All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S03E03.1080p.WEB.X264-METCON

Michael, a demon
has infiltrated the group.

Not just any demon.

Trevor is a diabolical,
sadistic agent of evil.

Might just be the single

most dangerous creature in the universe.

Who wants lemon bars?

It's my nana's recipe,

and they are just sinful.

Love 'em on my lips
but hate 'em on my hips,

if you know what I mean.

All right, new guy,

coming in strong with free dessert.

You must be Eleanor,

the reason this is all happening.

I am.

It's so nice to hear someone say,

"Eleanor, you're the reason
this is all happening"

who isn't a judge in small claims court.

Thank you for this, Eleanor.

It's a wonderful thing you've done.

Mm, happy to help you out, buddy.

Oh, we're doing a long hug.

Are you crying?

Sorry, I'm just...

I'm just so happy to be here,
if that makes sense.

Okay, the five of us
narrowly avoided death.

The operating theory

of this experiment is that...

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www.addic7ed.com

So, I give them ethics problems,

and we scan their brains,

and we get a sense of their
baseline moral instincts.

Right, then I'll show them
pictures that trigger memories

of their near-death experiences,

we'll scan again, and see
if we get a different result.

For example, I'll show Jason

pictures of a safe, a snorkel,
and whip-it canisters.

Got it.

Also, what a grim death
that would have been.

Darling, do you remember all the rules

about what can and cannot
be worn inside an MRI?

More specifically,
what if one's brassiere

is very thin, but also very pure gold?

I don't know,

but I'm in a similar "situ-aysh,"

because the sports bra I'm wearing

is kind of rust-colored
underneath the armpits,

so I guess we'll roll the dice together.

Hey, Eleanor, do I have
the right phone number for you?

You haven't responded to any
of the dank memes I've sent.

Oh, yeah, I... 'cause I was
laughing too hard to reply.

Okay, what's your fave?

'Cause mine's "Damn Daniel."

Back at it again with the white Vans!

Should we get started, maybe?

Oh, Mrs. Teacher, for my turn,

is there any way to get,
like, extra radiation?

There is no radiation in the MRI.

But why do you ask?

Uh, no reason.

Jason, what do you got
in your hand there, bud?

Nothing.

Is it a spider?

Yes.

Do you think taking a spider
in an MRI machine

will give you superpowers?

Hey, it might work.

He already bit me a bunch of times

and gave me the power
to swell up my hand.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Trevor.

Hey, Mikey,
fancy seeing you down on Earth

completely illegally.

Sweet outfit.

Dick Tracy called.

He said you're a buttface
and he's been plowing your mom.

Hey, well, Dick Tracy
called me, too, first,

and he said he was about to call you

and say a lie about me

that was actually true
about you instead.

Whatever.

What are you doing here, Trevor?

Shawn hacked the judge's system,

and we caught you cheating,

getting your four little
cockroaches to meet up.

What, you think we were
just gonna sit around

in the Bad Place blowing beefers

while you're down on Earth
boning us in the meathole?

So why didn't Shawn just go to the judge

and turn me in?

Because this way's more fun,
knuckle nuts.

First of all, I'm currently
formulating a better comeback

to your Dick Tracy burn,
and it's gonna devastate you.

Second, you're too late,

because when I did this
experiment in my neighborhood,

every time Eleanor asked Chidi for help,

their bond became unbreakable,

and the entire group improved.

No, you're right.

There's no way
I'll get one of these bozos

to drop out of an unpaid,
rigorous academic study,

especially when
they're doing it with me,

their overeager new best friend.

Well, I should head back.

You want to come with?

Oh, right, they've all seen you already,

so you can't show your face
to them again,

so you're powerless to stop me.

Later days, dingus.

Dick Tracy called back
on his watch phone

and said you better "watch" out.

Shoot, second too late.

Okay, uh, Simone's
gotta analyze the scans,

so why don't the rest of you head home?

Good first day, everyone.

Hey, teach, um, do you think, maybe,

we could continue

the one-on-one lessons on the side?

I feel like last week, I had
my own personal ninja master,

and now I'm taking tai chi

with a bunch of farting housewives.

Between the new project and my classes,

I won't have time,

but this is way better.

You're still gonna learn a lot,

and you'll have a fun group of people

to study with outside of class.

- But...
- Hey, gang.

I just had a neat idea.

Let's all go sightseeing.

- Dope.
- Yeah.

We can check out Sydney,
get to know each other, bond.

What do you say, E Street Band?

You up for a Segway tour of...

Australia, mate?

This is a knife on the barbie.

Cool idea.

I'm just worried that,
maybe, it's too cool.

I think I'm just gonna
find the nearest bar,

have one or eight drinks,
and hit the hay.

Even better! We'll all go bend an elbow.

Actually, I know the perfect
place for homesick Americans.

Hey, dudes, welcome to
the Cowboy Skyscraper Buffet.

Oh, hey, can we get the Florida table?

They absolutely nail the swamp stench.

Oh, someone's seated there.

But if you purchase our
Manifest Destiny package

for $30, you can have anyone you want

forcibly removed from the table.

We'll just sit anywhere.

When your table's ready,
this gun'll go off.

I think this is real.

So, listen up, y'all.

I was so excited to join the group

that I made sweatshirts.

You get a sweatshirt.
You get a sweatshirt.

- You get a sweatshirt.
- I get a sweatshirt.

"The Brainy Bunch."

Awesome! I love being on teams,

and if we're on a team now,
we need nicknames.

Optimus, Bumblebee, Jazz,

ugh, Megatron.

That's what you can each call me.

Now we need nicknames for you guys.

Ah, this is the best!

I'm gonna get the first round,

and we are all gonna toast to Eleanor,

the reason we're all here.

Yay, Eleanor!

Oh, well, if you guys are celebrating,

I recommend the jalapeno poppers.

Hi, there, I'm Janet.

I'll be taking care of you tonight.

Can I get you started with some drinks?

Our specialty cocktail tonight

is the Fourth of July.

It's half an apple pie

blended with Southern Comfort
and Coca-Cola

served in a Chevy hubcap.

Why don't you just
go get us a round of beers?

Of course. Here you go.

Sorry. I will go

physically pick those up, I guess,

and then walk them
back here with my feet.

But just so you know,
I will be here all night

watching everything that you order.

So, Ellie, baby, brainstorm.

We should get a house.

Me, you, Tahani, Jason...

we should all go in together on a place.

- Roomies.
- Roomies!

That is...

technically an idea.

I think it would be supes fun.

We could play pranks
on each other for my vlog.

No.

We could do one
of those ice bucket challenges

- that I sent you.
- I don't think so.

Or maybe just a Harlem shake?

I like to cook,

- and I have been dying to...
- Please stop.

- Experiment with Jamaican food, man.
- Please stop now.

I like Jamaican food.

Listen to the reggae,
and smoke the joints.

That's a Jamaican accent.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Not good, Michael.

I don't have my powers.

I can't summon things.

Dictionary. Spaghetti.

Jet Ski. Giraffe. Gah!

Look what I've been reduced to.

Humans only live 80 years,

and they spend so much of it

just waiting for things to be over.

I'm all out of sorts down here too.

I'm bad at lying now.
That used to be my thing.

And every part of my body
is either too dry or too wet.

It's worse for me, man.

Ever since we walked
through that portal,

my knowledge has stopped updating.

The instant before we left,
a man in Caracas, Venezuela,

named Raul Benitez
was eating a ham sandwich.

Did he finish it?

I don't know, and it's making me crazy.

I got to find him.

Janet, focus on the mission!

We have to get Trevor
away from the humans.

I am so glad you came out with us, man.

I just assumed you would think
it's unprofessional

to be friends with the subjects
of your study.

No, I never thought that.

I mean, I-I kind of do now.

Should I not be socializing?

I'm sure it's fine.

I mean, how much harm
could it possibly do?

Good point.

Such a good point
that I'm gonna go think

about how good a point that is

over there by myself
for several minutes.

Excuse me.

Hey, El train,

you think with all these
new "Star Wars" movies

they'll finally make a new "Spaceballs"?

I'm sorry, I'm getting a text
and I have to take this.

Okay, everybody, here are your beers.

And here is yours.

Oh, no, oh.

I guess you should go to the bathroom

or maybe go home and never come back.

No worries, I made extra sweatshirts.

Besides, we're having
too much fun to leave.

Hey, speaking of fun,

I know this super fun
drinking game we can play.

Every time one of you
says something that

the other can't relate to,
you both drink.

Could be fun.

I once played a drinking game
with Ryan Reynolds

and Blake Lively
at their macrobiotic farm

with a particularly robust
batch of homemade kombucha.

Do I have to drink
for every word I don't know?

Up to you. Just drink.

Hey, what happened with
Chidi, and where's Eleanor?

This... this is all moving too fast.

Can we just take Trevor out?

I don't know if he can die,

but I could drop
a steamroller on his head.

Oh, darn it, I can't summon things.

I guess I could kick him
with my soft feet.

Earth sucks.

You stay on Trevor,
keep interfering with his plan.

All right, and I'm going
to do my librarian act

and nudge Chidi back to the table.

- Uh, yummy.
- Yay!

You gotta relax, man.

You're off the clock.

It's just a simple drink with friends

- at the world's worst restaurant.
- No, but Trevor's right.

I might skew the study by
fraternizing with the subjects.

We can be colleagues.
Associates is pushing it.

And by even having this conversation,

you're becoming my confidante.

- I can't have that.
- Jeez.

Kind of thought that before
everyone else showed up,

you and I were, like,
becoming actual friends.

Oh, no. You're right.

What have I done?

Okay, okay, I-I-I'm gonna go to the bar

and get you a hot tea.

Okay.

Or a regular temperature Xanax.

Try not to fall apart.

Professor Anagonye?

Oh, yeah, I thought

I recognized you.

It's me, the librarian from the library.

Oh, right, hi, sorry.

Uh, I was just kind of in
the middle of something here.

Well, maybe I can help.

You know what I like to do
in situations like these?

I haven't told you anything
about what I'm going through.

Do that first,

then I'll tell you
what I do in situations

such as the one
you're about to describe.

I've been in every situation
because I'm a librarian.

Hit me. Go ahead.

Mm.

Ah, la-la-la-la.

Mm, I'm tired.

Does anybody want
a gallon of water to sober up?

No thanks, sweetheart.

I just called a car
for these two lovebirds,

so why don't you
just bring us the check?

Oh, and you should smile more.

You'll get bigger tips.

Gosh, you're pretty.

No, you're pretty.

Pretty beautiful.

If you ask me, Chidi,

you need to get back over there,

you know, spend time with the team.

Though, we do have
a saying in the library game.

Um, there's only room

for one male subject
in an academic study,

so keep the one who got there first.

Catchy.

Got to go now.

The closest thing
I could find to herbal tea

was a root beer I had them
throw in the microwave.

You know what? Don't drink that.

I think I'm just gonna head home.

But you can go and spend time
with the others.

Yeah, man, that's not
really what I signed up for.

I mean, Tahani is eh, but Jason, woof,

and Trevor, blegh.

They're not the reason I flew
all the way from Arizona.

You are.

I'm sorry, but this
is just how it has to be.

I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, E dog, get over here!

It's trivia night!

The first round questions
are all about Logan Paul,

and you know I'm Logang for life.

Go put your head up your own butt.

- What?
- What?

What?

Oh, don't you buttnecks ever give up?

No, and what are you
even doing in a bathroom?

You're a demon. You don't... need it.

I like the smells.

And I like putting
my hands in the toilet

so everything I touch gets
a little bit of poop on it.

Hey, you guys see what I did out there?

I am so good, I got Eleanor
to leave a bar early.

Chidi's melting down.

Jason and Tahani just left together.

If they hook up,

she's on the first
private jet out of here.

This was too easy.

It's gonna take a lot more than that

to break up this group.

Why don't you give up, Trevor?

As long as we're here,
you'll never succeed.

Maybe, but how long will that take?

I mean, at some point,
the judge will find out

that you're not in your little
room watching ticker tape.

Right? Tick, tick, tick, tick.

But, hey, may the worst demon win.

Good luck, Mikey.

Ah, poop hands!

I can't believe you fell for that.

Are you all right?
You didn't sleep at all last night.

I got a solid eight minutes,

not consecutively, but still.

It's fine.

You're not even that blurry.

You gotta take it easy, man.

I mean, you're not sleeping.
Your eye's twitching.

This study has to be airtight.

And this ethical question of friendship

with the subjects is weighing on me.

I've done a million of these things.

I promise I'll warn you
if you cross any lines.

I don't want to come
anywhere near those lines.

I have been waiting my entire
career for the right thesis,

and I am not going to blow it.

I have to keep this professional.

Fine, but you need to get some rest.

This morning, you bit into
a raw egg like it was an apple.

I thought it was hard-boiled.

Yeah, but still, the shell.

This is the best
secret-friend handshake, bro.

And it goes...

Attention, everyone.

Do not look at me.

Oh, I don't... don't know what to do.

I am both overhung

and humiliated by my uncouth
comportment last night.

Please accept these
formal letters of apology.

Further apologies for their appearance.

I just couldn't find
a proper calligrapher

at 5:00 in the morning.

So, what happened to you
two lovebirds last night, huh?

Frankly, it is none of your business.

Oh, sorry.

Jason was a...

perfect gentleman last night.

Thank you so much
for getting me home safely.

I wouldn't blame you
should you ostracize me

for my boorish behavior.

You weren't boring. You were fun.

Crazy story... after
you got into the cab,

I forgot where I lived,

but then I looked across the street,

and there was a motel,

and behind that, there was a dumpster.

I slept in a dumpster.

- Jason.
- No, no, no, it was fine.

And it was super fun
getting to know you.

You're the fanciest person I know,

next to my friend Ronnie,
who drives a limo.

He's in limos all the time.

Oh, what a life.

All right, as soon as Eleanor
gets here, we'll begin.

Bad news, prof.

Eleanor might not be coming.

She bailed right after
you did last night.

Seemed like she was having
second thoughts

about being part
of the Brainy Bunch, so.

Oh, well, that's disappointing...

in... in... in terms
of how it affects the study.

But we press on, like professionals.

Hey, do you think I should...

Yeah, and I already called you a car,

because you should not drive.

It's outside.

Thanks.

Where's outside?

Hey, man.

Are you okay?

Sorry, uh, literally one second ago,

I was at the front desk.

I don't know where I got this.

Anyway,

are you coming to class?

Uh...

I just don't think
the group thing is for me.

I'm better when it's one-on-one

and we're both looking at our phones

and I don't know the other
person and we don't talk.

I might just head back to Arizona.

Listen.

My whole life has been

a-a torture chamber of indecision,

and now I'm finally on the path
to understanding why,

and the only reason that's happening

is because you walked into my office,

and you said you wanted
to be a better person.

That was really brave.

Now, I know we barely know each other,

but, please, could you
give me three months?

Can you give me three months?

I am... I am asking you as a friend.

See, I just told you
I don't like talking.

That whole thing could have
been sent in a text

that I pretended I never saw.

Fine, you did good at talking.

I'll come back to class.

Come in.

No?

- I'm gonna drive you back.
- Okay.

Hey, Dick Tracy called.

Said that I was right about

Eleanor and Chidi
having an unbreakable bond.

I don't think you understand
how that joke works.

Yeah, that doesn't matter.

We won. That's the point.

You won squat.

We're gonna get 'em eventually.

I'll just keep chipping away
till one of 'em bails.

These four humans are all
I care about in the universe,

and there is nothing...
I mean nothing...

that's gonna come between me...

Oh, cool, you're all together.

The judge wants to see you.

Now? Right now?

Um, like, all of us, or...

Yep.

So, this is Earth, huh?

Whoo, that's pretty cool.

Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM

Michael, how many times

did I say you could go down to Earth?

Actually, you weren't 100% explicit.

One time.

I said you could go down there,
save their lives,

start the new timeline,

and then come back here to observe them.

One time!

Is what I said.

Uno.

One.

Your Honor, I have to say,

I support you one-hundo percent.

I mean, what Michael did
is unbelievable.

Now, granted, I also tricked the doorman

and snuck down to Earth,

but what are we gonna do...

Do you realize what you did?

You meddled in human affairs.

That ripples out, man.

Do you know how much
weird stuff has happened

because of your little experiment?

England left Europe.

That Hugh Jackman musical

about P.T. Barnum?

It made, like, $400 million.

Also, the Jacksonville Jaguars
are good now.

Impossible.

I'm serious.

They're gonna make the playoffs.

Blake Bortles is kind of okay, maybe.

I don't know.

It's being debated amongst experts.

It's confusing.

But whatever it is, it's yo fault!

Your experiment with the humans is over.

Are you gonna kill them?

No!

But starting now,

there is no more monitoring them.

They're just regular humans

that need to hit
the regular point threshold

to see if they make it
into the Good Place.

- Hmm.
- And if they don't...

And right now,

the two of you are going
back to the Bad Place.

But they'll retire Michael,

and I'll be marbleized.

Well, maybe you should
have thought about that

before you intervened in human affairs.

I mean, because of you,

Byron Allen owns
The Weather Channel now.

Is... is that bad?

I don't know, but it's weird, man.

Now come with me.

Hey, my powers are back online.

This must be everything
I tried to summon on Earth.

- Stop it.
- I don't think I can.

I'm like a printer

when the print queue
suddenly starts processing

all the unprinted documents.

Oh, man.

Buckle up, folks.

Let's go, right now.

Janet, make it stop!

Janet, stop it.

Janet, this is annoying.

Janet.

Good luck, frog man.

Pulling for ya.

Janet, I know you're still there!

Ugh, oh.

They escaped.

Yeah, thanks, Jeff.

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www.addic7ed.com