Original subtitles

Ooh-wee.

Five more minutes till the big grand prize raffle.

You got your ticket, Hank?

You know it. I need that TV, baby.

All I got is this grainy-ass Zenith

with a VHS copy of 13 Going on 30 stuck inside.

Now, that's a hell of a movie, but that is a bummer, man.

Uhp, got an e-mail.

- From my son. - Oh!

Hope it's good news.

The boy says, "Hey, Pop."

That's a really good start, Hank.

"Just reaching out to let you know

"that Mom is getting remarried...

- ... to Reggie." - Oh, Hank.

I am so sorry. Who's Reggie?

Well, remember when Hank's ex-wife

Lorraine cheated on him

with that great big football player

who lived in his building?

That's Reggie.

That's right.

And-and Hank said he could hear the sound of them

making love upstairs.

Uh, what was it, it was something like...

No, no, no.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Hank, are you sure you're okay?

Your ex-wife getting remarried is a really big deal,

and your calmness is kind of freaking us out.

No, I'm fine. In fact, I was just about to write

a reply e-mail to my son, telling him how fine I feel.

"Dear son, I'm fine."

Send. See?

You know, Hank, you don't have to pretend.

I mean, I've been there. When my cheating ex-husband

got remarried, boy, it sucked,

and I held onto the anger about it for a long time.

Too long.

Nah, I feel good. I mean, really, really, really, really,

really, really good.

She's moved on and so have I.

That book is closed.

Are you sure? Because your brain looks like

it's throbbing through your scalp.

Well, that's because I'm excited about the raffle.

You know, uh, the brain works overtime during raffles.

Four out of five raffle scientists agree.

You can't argue with four out of five raffle scientists.

Good morning, everyone.

I need to get made up

for my stupid sister's stupid wedding,

so let's get through this quick, capisce?

Boy, she knows how to make an event fun, doesn't she?

All right, give me that TV.

Come on down to Hankytown.

Today's my lucky day!

Oh, God, I hope he wins this TV.

Well, what about us? I could use a little high-def

Bradley Cooper in my life.

No, no, no. I have been in his shoes.

He needs this a lot more than we do.

He seems to be taking it just fine to me.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

And the winner

of this beautiful 65-inch TV set

is number 4-3...

- 5... - 623.

- 6... - Come on, come on! Say it, Allison!

- 623. - 2...

- 623! - 629.

Yes!

All I do is win.

Ah, let me see, which one of these is it?

What? This hater bought up every ticket in the place.

He won by cheating.

It's not cheating, Hank.

I just bought more tickets.

Look, to put it another way,

I won because I've got more money than you.

That's America, baby doll.

Gorgeous George, I will slap that mustache off your face

- and kick it down the hallway! - Hold it, bud.

I can't restrain you the way I used to.

Last week, I threw my back out throwing my shoulder out.

Want us to deliver it to your room?

Well, I've already got more televisions

than I know what to do with.

Plus, all of them are so much nicer than this one.

Then give it to me!

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

Install it in my crapper.

I'll listen to my programs as I shower.

You're gonna listen to a 4K TV?

That is a waste of K's!

Allison!

For once in your miserable life,

do something!

Guys, put the TV in my office for now.

- George, we'll install it tomorrow. - Okay.

Here.

Here's five bucks.

Save up for a new TV.

Loser.

Oh, man, you didn't need that

on top of everything with your wife.

This isn't about my ex-wife.

This is about me and that TV. We belong together.

In sickness and in health, for better or for worse.

Till death do us part!

You guys, call me cuckoo,

but I'm starting to think that this anger

may be about his ex-wife.

We need to do something for Hank.

I haven't seen him this upset

since he found out that RadioShack

went out of business.

Yeah, we kept it from him as long as we could.

We all know what you're driving at, Margaret, and I accept.

I'll talk to Hank and get him to open up about his ex.

And I'll even do it for free.

Sid, there's no way in hell that he is gonna open up to you.

And why would we pay you for it?

Because I'm the most sensitive person in the group.

Are you stupid, Margaret?

I'm a great listener.

- Sid... - Uh-uh-uh!

I'm not through yet, Margaret.

People say that empathy is my superpower.

Who has said that to you?

Well, it's more like a whisper on the wind,

rather than a specific person,

but I will get Hank to talk about Lorraine.

Hank doesn't open up about his feelings.

He's proud, he's insecure,

he's quiet, he's a man.

No, what Hank needs is a win.

Yep.

What do you mean?

I know what Hank is going through.

When my cheating ex-husband got remarried,

I went to a very, very dark place.

What, like, bingeing ice cream?

No, I put a pound of cocaine in his honeymoon luggage.

We need to do something to turn Hank's mood around.

I think we should make this Hank day.

We'll do whatever he wants to do,

no matter how stupid.

All right, everybody, listen up.

I decided what I'm gonna do about this, uh, TV issue.

I want to steal the TV out of Allison's office.

Now before y'all shout me down...

- I think that's a great idea. - Yay, Hank!

Y'all never listen to my ideas! This is about justice.

- We're all on board, Hank. - We're there.

- You are? - Yeah.

Well, cool. Then let's go steal that TV.

All right, so let's get started planning this heist,

which I am calling "Hank's Eleven."

- So... - Uh, h-hold on.

Uh, Hank's Eleven? There's only four of us.

Yeah, the movie was called Ocean's Eleven

because there were 11 people.

No, because the heist took place at 11:00 at night.

So, wait a minute, by that logic,

then Ocean's Thirteen took place at 13:00?

That's correct. Military time.

I think it's an excellent name for a heist.

We all do.

So here's how Hank's Eleven...

is gonna go down:

so the TV is currently in Allison's office, now...

You know, Hank, if I may,

I am somewhat of a heist expert,

and I've taken the liberty

to create this scale model

of Shady Meadows.

Wow.

When did you have time to make this?

I'm 70. When didn't I have time to make this?

Well, either way,

I think we're following Hank's lead here, aren't we?

Or, or, or, or, or... Hank could have a chat

with the most empathetic person in the room.

Some people call me Mr. Emotions Man.

Just drop it, Sid. That book is closed.

We're stealing the TV. That's it.

Okay, let's get back to the plan now.

This gingerbread man, which represents Hank,

will release laughing gas in the vents...

Well, first of all, I want to be a cooler cookie.

And where are we gonna get laughing gas?

Well, my friend Mitch is a dentist,

or he was a dentist, until he lost his license

for selling laughing gas.

I don't think we're gonna need the laughing gas.

I think what Hank was probably going to say

is that all we have to do

is wait until everybody is asleep.

We will sneak into Allison's office

and we will take the TV.

Well, that's exactly what I was gonna say.

I would've thrown in a couple more, uh, "Hank's Elevens"

up in there, but that's basically the gist of it.

All right. This is gonna be easy.

It's a retirement community.

All we have to do is stay awake till 9:30.

- Whoa, now. Wait, wait a minute. - No! -No.

Oh, all right, 9:00.

All right, so what we have to do is...

back up, back up, back up!

Why is she still in her office at 9:00?

Doesn't she get off work at 6:00?

Oh, honey, she hasn't gotten off in years.

Yeah, I guess the fatal flaw

of this whole plan is we forgot

that Allison is a gigantic loser.

It's prom season, betches!

And if you want the perfect smoky eye

to get you the perfect smokin' guy...

Oh, this is pathetic.

The woman is 40 years old

and doesn't know how to do a smoky eye?

Now all we have to do is think of something

that'll get Allison out of her office, fast.

Got it.

Allison, get out of your office, fast.

Why? What?

Sid just passed out all up in the sauna.

All right, betches.

Now let's clean up that bikini line.

Help! Help! Woe is me!

Ah, boy, we're too late.

Rest in peace, tiny angel.

- Allison! - Whoa!

Ah, what the heck? I just spoke.

Uh-oh. The door is locked.

- I'm-a go get help. - No, wait, wait.

I'm still in here.

Good luck in there, Mr. Emotions Man.

You can lock the door on me,

but you cannot lock the door on your feelings!

I mean, this is all a total and complete accident.

Nothing is afoot.

I still think that we all should be wearing ski masks.

I mean, w-who does a heist without a ski mask?

It's embarrassing.

This is not your heist. We're doing this for Hank.

Well, you know, the craziest thing just happened.

Yeah, I just found out that one of my ex-wives

is getting remarried... oh, yeah...

I'm not buying it, Charlie.

- Please? - No.

Mission accomplished.

Allison and Sid are locked up in the sauna.

- Huh. - Sid's okay with that?

Uh... uh-huh.

And this has nothing to do with the fact that he wants you

to talk about your ex-wife?

Uh... uh-uh.

Okay. Well, all very believable.

It's your heist.

- Crap. It's locked. - Oh...

Well, we're gonna have to jimmy the lock.

Charlie, run down the hall and be a lookout

while Margaret and I break in.

A lookout? I'm the mastermind.

You don't ask the mastermind be the lookout.

That's like asking the general to be the... lookout.

All right.

How are we gonna jimmy this lock?

With the help of my old friend,

my RadioShack rewards card.

It won't budge. You try.

Help! Let us out!

Ooh, my fingers smell funny.

I think they're cooking in the heat.

Should I eat them?

How long have we been in here?

Seven minutes.

Uh... uh, what?

Does my makeup look weird?

Oh, honey, you look like somebody put Beetlejuice

in the microwave.

Oh, great. Beetlejuice.

That's the wedding look I was going for.

Beetlejuice.

"Hey, which bridesmaid you want to hook up with?"

"The one that looks like Beetle... "

Don't say it a third time!

Unless you want a real problem on your hands.

Well, we're officially stuck.

I guess the one upside is I might miss

my stupid, self-obsessed sister's wedding.

Hmm, you know, Allison, I have a skill that some people call

a superpower.

Don't let this freak you out, but I'm sensing

you have some problems with your sister.

Yeah, I just said that.

Look, the thing is,

my sister's always been the star of the family,

a-and I never get any attention.

Mm.

Yeah, so you were hoping that

maybe if you got married first,

you'd gain some ground on your sister,

but, honey, that ship is sailing fast,

and there's a brisk wind behind it.

And I'm standing all alone on the dock.

Looking like Beetlejuice.

Damn it, Allison! You said it a third time!

Brace yourself. It's about to get real crowded in here.

There she is. There's my beautiful television.

Damn, girl, you sure look sexy.

Looks like Hank's Eleven has fallen into place.

I'm like a combination of George Clooney, Brad Pitt

and Matt Damon all rolled up into one.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

You are a genius, Hank.

Wait a minute.

Did you just call me a genius?

What the hell is going on in here?

Nothing. I-I just think you're killing it today.

Now, you've gone along with every one of my ideas.

You haven't called me a moron once.

Wait a minute.

You're doing all of this 'cause you feeling bad for me?

This is a pity heist.

You really think I'm that upset about my ex-wife?

- No? - Look, I don't care

what Lorraine is doing

and I don't care who she's doing it with,

and I don't care what her mattress sounds like

when they doing it.

And for the record,

it's...

Can we please just take the TV and be done with it?

You know what? I don't want that TV now.

You don't pity me, I pity you! You take it.

- Fine, I will. - The hell you will.

Get your hands off that.

That's my 65-inch TV set.

You wouldn't even know what to do with it.

I would watch it.

Well, you just have an answer for everything.

I got gas.

Charlie, tell me the truth.

Is this a pity heist?

Oh, absolutely not. No.

This heist is 'cause we all felt really sorry for you

and thought you might need a win.

That's a textbook pity heist.

Well, whatever it is, I got the laughing gas

to cover our escape.

There is no one to escape from.

We do not need gas.

So no ski masks, no gas.

This heist sucks.

If you're so worried

about not being caught,

why don't you try making a little bit less noise,

you dumbass.

Why am I... why am I laughing?

What is happening?

The nozzle came off.

Oh...

I shouldn't have knocked it over.

- Why does everything we do... - Shh.

... always have to be so damn stupid all the time?

Like, like, my marriage. It's stupid.

The truth is coming out. Keep going.

My-my soul mate cheated on me,

and-and she left a gaping hole where my heart should be.

Yeah.

And we thought we could fill it with a TV.

Now the devil woman wants to marry

the man she cheated on me with!

That kind of pain doesn't go away!

I'm dead inside!

Damn, damn, damn!

I can't believe you all thought I needed this pity heist.

Yeah, but don't you feel better now that you've said

all that stuff you were holding deep inside?

No. It was just the gas. And the gas has passed.

I'll bet Mr. Emotion Man was excited to hear

about your breakthrough when you let him out of the sauna.

Uh, right.

"Let him out." Um, I didn't do that.

How'd you guys get out of the sauna?

We made it out when Mr. Randall came in for his morning steam.

Completely naked, by the way.

Lowest testicles I've ever seen.

Oh, I've seen lower.

Happy ending to Allison's story:

we made some serious breakthroughs about her sister.

Oh, that didn't happen.

You kept crying because you thought Beetlejuice was coming,

and then you tried to eat your fingers.

I was tasting them, Allison, tasting.

And Hank.

I spent most of my time in the sauna planning to murder you.

Then I realized I sweated off ten pounds

and I'm gonna be the hottest bridesmaid at that wedding.

Way hotter than my bitch sister.

We've got some work to do, still.

Uh, can one of you escort me to the infirmary?

I haven't peed in 14 hours.

I'll take you.

Don't worry about the pee. It'll come.

I'm gonna go, uh, go help Allison with her smoky eye.

She, she really is pathetic, isn't she?

Yes, she is. And, uh, Margaret.

- Mm. - One last thing.

What is it?

Thank you.

What exactly are you thanking me for?

Don't push me, Margaret. That's as far as I'm going.

All right, I'll take it.

I'll see you later, you moron.

It's movie night!

Tonight's film is 13 Going on 30.

Now, I chose this film

'cause it's an enchanting romantic comedy

and plus, it's still stuck in the VCR part

of my TV/VCR combo.

So imagine this: when the day begins, you're 13.

But when the Moon comes up, you're 30.

She can't even drive a car.

'Cause she looks 30 on the outside,

but on the inside,

she's 13.

Y'all a bunch of wusses.

That's pretty good.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --