Original subtitles

Saturday, March 24, 1984.

Shermer High School, Shermer, lllinois, 60062.

Dear Mr. Vernon...

we accept the facf that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention

for whatever it was we did wrong.

What we did was wrong.

But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay

telling you who we think we are.

What do you care?

You see us as you want to see us,

in the simplest terms

and most convenient definitions.

You see us as a brain,

an athlete,

a basket case,

a princess,

and a criminal.

Correct?

That's the way we saw each other at 7:00 this morning.

We were brainwashed.

I can't believe you can't get me out of this.

I mean, it's so absurd I have to be here on a Saturday.

- It's not like I'm a defective or anything. - I'll make it up to you.

Honey, ditching class to go shopping doesn't make you a defective.

Have a good day.

Is this the first time or the last time we do this?

Last.

Well, get in there and use the time to your advantage.

Mom, we're not supposed to study. We just have to sit there and do nothing.

- Well, mister, you figure out a way to study. - Yeah.

Well, go.

Hey, I screwed around. Guys screw around.

There's nothing wrong with that. Except you got caught, sport.

Yeah, Mom already reamed me, all right?

You want to miss a match? You want to blow your ride?

Now, no school is gonna give a scholarship to a discipline case.

Well, well. Here we are.

I wanna congratulate you for being on time.

Excuse me, sir. I think there's been a mistake.

I know it's detention, but, I don't think I belong in here.

It is now 7:06.

You have exactly eight hours and 54 minutes to think about why you're here,

to ponder the error of your ways.

You may not talk.

You will not move from these seats.

And you...

will not sleep.

All right, people, we're gonna try something a little different today.

We are going to write an essay...

of no less than a thousand words...

describing to me who you think you are.

This a test?

And when I say "essay," I mean essay.

I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times.

Is that clear, Mr. Bender?

- Crystal. - Good.

Maybe you'll learn a little something about yourself.

Maybe you'll even decide whether or not you care to return.

You know, I can answer that right now, sir.

That'd be "no" for me, 'cause -

- Sit down, Johnson. - Thank you, sir.

My office is right across that hall.

Any monkey business is ill-advised.

Any questions?

Yeah. I got a question.

Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?

I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday.

Don't mess with the bull, young man. You'll get the horns.

That man is a brownie hound.

You keep eatin' your hand, you're not gonna be hungry for lunch.

I've seen you before, you know.

Who I think I am.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I am a walrus.

It's the shits?

I can't believe this is really happening to me.

Oh, shit!

What are we supposed to do if we have to take a piss?

- Please. - If you gotta go, you gotta go.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, you're not urinating in here, man. - Don't talk. It makes it crawl back up.

You whip it out and you're dead before the first drop hits the floor.

You're pretty sexy when you get angry.

Hey, homeboy, why don't you go close that door?

We'll get the prom queen impregnated.

Hey. Hey!

What?

If I lose my temper, you're totaled, man.

Totally?

Totally.

Why don't you shut up? Nobody here is interested.

Really.

Butt face.

Hey, sporto, what'd you do to get in here? Forget to wash your jock?

Excuse me, fellas. I think we should just write our papers.

Just because you live in here doesn't give you the right to be a pain in the ass.

So knock it off!

Well, it's a free country.

He's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Just ignore him.

Sweets?

You couldn't ignore me if you tried.

So...

so...

are you guys, like, boyfriend-girlfriend?

Steady dates?

Lovers?

Come on, sporto. Level with me.

Do you slip her the hot-beef injection?

- Go to hell! - Enough!

Hey! What's going on in there?

Spoiled little pricks.

Scumbag.

What do you say we close that door?

We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds.

You know, the door's supposed to stay open.

- So what? - So why don't you just shut up?

- There's four other people in here, you know. - God, you can count.

See, I knew you had to be smart to be a wrestler.

- Who the hell are you to judge anybody anyway? - Really.

You know, Bender, you don't even count.

If you disappeared forever, it wouldn't make any difference.

You may as well not even exist at this school.

Well, I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team.

Maybe the prep club too.

- Student council. - No. They wouldn't take you.

I'm hurtin'.

You know why guys like you knock everything?

- Oh, this should be stunning. - It's 'cause you're afraid.

Oh, God, you richies are so smart. That's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.

You're a big coward.

I'm in the math club.

You're afraid they won't take you. You don't belong, so you have to dump all over it.

Well, it wouldn't have anything to do

with you activities people being assholes, now, would it?

You wouldn't know. You don't even know any of us.

Well, I don't know any lepers either,

but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fucking clubs.

- Hey, let's watch the mouth? - I'm in the physics club too.

Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?

Well, what I'd said was, I'm in the math club,

the Latin club, and the physics clu - physics club.

Hey. Cherry.

Do you belong to the physics club?

That's an academic club.

So?

So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.

Ah, but to dorks like him, they are.

What do you guys do in your club?

In physics, well, w-we,- we talk about physics, properties of physics.

So it's sort of social.

Demented and sad, but social. Right?

Yeah, well, I guess you could consider it a social situation.

I mean, there are other children in my club.

And, a-at the end of the year we have a big banquet at the Hilton.

You load up. You party.

No. We get dressed up, but we don't - we don't get high.

Only burners like you get high.

I didn't have any shoes, so I had to borrow my dad's.

It was kinda weird, 'cause my mom doesn't like me to wear other people's shoes.

My cousal K - My cousin Kendall from Indiana, he got high once.

He started eating really weird foods. Then he felt like he didn't belong anywhere.

Kind of like, you know, Twilight Zone, kind of.

Sounds like you.

You guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here.

I got a meet this Saturday. I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.

Oh, and wouldn't that be a bite?

Missing a whole wrestling meet?

Well, you wouldn't know anything about it, faggot.

- You never competed in your whole life. - Oh, I know.

And I feel all empty inside because of it.

I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys.

Ah, you'd never miss it. You don't have any goals.

- Oh, but I do. - Yeah?

I want to be just like you.

I figure all I need's a lobotomy and some tights.

You wear tights?

No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.

Tights.

Shut up.

You know, there's not supposed to be any, monkey business.

Young man, have you finished your paper?

Come on, Bender, don't screw around.

- What are you gonna do? - Drop dead, I hope.

All right!

Bender, that's - that's school property there.

I mean, that doesn't belong to us. It's something not to be toyed with.

- That's very funny. Come on. Fix it. - You should really fix that.

- Am I a genius? - No, you're an asshole.

- What a funny guy. Everyone, just. - Fix the door, Bender!

Listen. I've been here before. I know what I'm doing.

- No! Fix the door! Get up there - - Shut up!

Goddamn it!

Why is that door closed?

Why is that door closed?

How are we supposed to know? We're not supposed to move. Right?

Why?

We're just sitting here, like we're supposed to.

Who closed that door?

- I think a screw fell out of it. - It just closed, sir.

Who?

She doesn't talk, sir.

- Give me that screw. - I don't have it.

You want me to yank you out of that seat and shake it out of you?

I don't have it. Screws fall out all the time. The world's an imperfect place.

Give it to me, Bender.

Excuse me, sir. Why would anybody want to steal a screw?

Watch it, young lady.

The door's way too heavy, sir.

Damn it! Chair's - Son of a bitch!

Andrew Clark, get up here.

Front and center. Let's go.

- Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? - That's right.

If he gets up, we'll all get up. It'll be anarchy!

- Okay, watch - watch the magazines. - It's out of my hands.

That's very clever, sir.

But what if there's a fire?

I think violating fire codes and endangering the lives of children

would be unwise at this juncture in your career, sir.

All right, what are you doing with this? Get this out of here, for God's sake.

What's the matter with you? Come on.

The school comes equipped with fire exits at either end of the library.

Show Dick some respect.

Let's go.

Go. Get back in your seat.

I expected a little more from a varsity letterman.

You're not fooling anybody, Bender.

The next screw that falls out is gonna be you.

Eat my shorts.

What was that?

Eat...

my...

shorts.

- You just bought yourself another Saturday. - Oh, I'm crushed.

- You just bought one more right there. - Well, I'm free the Saturday after that.

Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar.

Good, because it's gonna be filled.

We'll keep going. You want another one?

Just say the word. Instead of going to prison, you'll come here.

- Are you through? - No.

- I'm doing society a favor. - So?

That's another right now.

I've got you for the rest of your natural-born life, if you don't watch your step.

- You want another one? - Yes.

You got it! You got another one right there! That's another one, pal!

Cut it out!

You through?

Not even close, bud.

Good. You got one more right there.

- You really think I give a shit? - Another.

- You through? - How many is that?

Seven, including one when we first came in when you asked Mr. Vernon here

whether Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.

- Now it's eight. You stay out of it. - Excuse me, sir. It's seven.

Shut up, pee-wee.

You're mine, Bender. For two months, I gotcha.

I gotcha.

What can I say? I'm thrilled.

Oh, I'm sure that's exactly what you want these people to believe.

You know something, Bender?

You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself

and a little less time trying to impress people.

You might be better off.

All right, that's it! I'm gonna be right outside those doors.

The next time I have to come in here, I'm cracking skulls.

Fuck you!

Fuck.

Wake up!

Who has to go to the lavatory?

That's real intelligent.

You're right.

It's wrong to destroy literature.

It's such fun to read.

And...

"Molay" really pumps my nads.

Moli�re.

I love his work.

Big deal. Nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy.

Aw, speak for yourself.

Do you think I'd speak for you?

I don't even know your language.

Hey. You grounded tonight?

I don't know. My mom said I was, but my dad told me just to blow her off.

There's a big party at Stubby's.

Parents are in Europe. Should be pretty wild.

- Yeah? - Yeah. You gonna go?

- I doubt it. - How come?

'Cause if I do what my mother tells me not to do, it's because my father says it's okay.

It's this whole big monster deal. It's endless. It's a total drag.

It's, like, any minute, divorce.

- Who do you like better? - What?

You like your old man better than your mom?

- They're both screwed. - No, I mean if you had to choose between 'em.

I don't know.

Probably go live with my brother.

I mean, I don't think either one of them gives a shit about me.

They use me just to get back at each other.

Ha!

Shut up!

You're just feeling sorry for yourself.

Yeah, well, if I didn't, nobody else would.

Oh, you're breaking my heart.

- Sporto. - What?

You get along with your parents?

Well, if I say yes, I'm an idiot, right?

You're an idiot anyway.

But if you say you get along with your parents, well, you're a liar too.

You know something, man? If we weren't in school right now, I'd waste you.

Can you hear this?

You want me to turn it up?

Hey, fellas, I mean -

I- I don't like my parents either. I mean, I don't -

I don't - I don't get along with them.

I mean, their idea of parental compassion is just, you know...

wacko, you know.

- Dork. - Yeah?

You are a parent's wet dream, okay?

Well, that's the problem.

Look, I could see you getting all bunged up

for them making you wear these kind of clothes,

but face it - you're a neo-maxi-zum-dweeby.

What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?

Why do you have to insult everybody?

I'm being honest, asshole.

I would expect you to know the difference.

- Yeah, well, he's got a name. - Yeah?

Yeah. What's your name?

- Brian. - See?

My condolences.

What's your name?

What's yours?

- Claire. - Claire?

Claire. It's a family name.

No, it's a fat girl's name.

- Oh. Thank you. - You're welcome.

- I'm not fat. - Well, not at present.

But I could see you really pushing maximum density.

You see, I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people -

there's fat people that were born to be fat,

and there's fat people that were once thin but they became fat.

So when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside.

You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies,

and then,...

Oh.

Obscene finger gestures from such a pristine girl.

I'm not that pristine.

Are you a virgin?

I'll bet you a million dollars that you are.

Let's end the suspense.

Is it gonna be a... * White wedding? *

- Why don't you just shut up? - Have you kissed a boy on the mouth?

Have you ever been felt up...

over the bra, under the blouse,

your shoes off, hoping to God your parents don't walk in?

Do you want me to puke?

Over the panties...

no bra...

blouse unbuttoned...

Calvins in a ball on the front seat, past 11:00 on a school night?

Leave her alone.

I said leave her alone.

You gonna make me?

Yeah.

You and how many of your friends?

Just me.

Just you and me. Two hits.

Me hitting you, you hitting the floor. Anytime you're ready, pal.

I don't want to get into this with you, man.

Why not?

'Cause I'd kill you.

It's real simple.

I'd kill you, and your fucking parents would sue me.

And it'd be a big mess, and I don't care enough about you to bother.

Chickenshit.

Let's end this right now.

You don't talk to her. You don't look at her.

And you don't even think about her! You understand me?

I'm trying to help her.

Brian, how you doing?

Your dad work here?

- Carl? - What?

- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.

- How does one become a janitor? - You want to be a janitor?

No, I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor.

Because Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.

Oh, really?

You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant, serf, peon, yeah?

Maybe so.

But following a broom around after shitheads like you for the last eight years,

I've learned a couple of things.

I look through your letters, look through your lockers.

I listen to your conversations. You don't know that, but I do.

I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends.

By the way, that clock's 20 minutes fast.

Shit.

All right, girls, that's 30 minutes for lunch.

- Here? - Here.

I think the cafeteria would be a more suitable place for us to eat lunch in, sir.

Well, I don't care what you think, Andrew.

Dick?

Excuse me. Rich.

- Will milk be made available to us? - We're extremely thirsty, sir.

I have really low tolerance for dehydration.

I've seen her dehydrate, sir. It's pretty gross.

Relax. I'll get it.

Ah-ah-ah!

Grab some wood there, bub.

What, do you think I was born yesterday?

You think I'm gonna have you roaming these halls?

You.

And you.

Hey!

What's her name? Wake her - Wake her up.

Hey! Come on! On your feet, missy. Let's go.

This is no rest home.

There's a soft drink machine in the teachers' lounge. Let's go.

So... what's your poison?

What do you drink?

Okay. Forget I asked.

Vodka.

Vodka?

When do you drink vodka?

Whenever.

- A lot? - Tons.

Is that why you're here today?

- Why are you here? - Why are you here?

I'm here today because,...

because my coach and my father don't want me to blow my ride.

See, I get treated differently because, Coach thinks I'm a winner.

So does my old man.

I'm not a winner because I want to be one.

I'm a winner because I've got strength and speed, kinda like a racehorse.

That's about how involved I am in what's happening to me.

Yeah?

That's very interesting.

Now why don't you tell me why you're really in here?

Forget it.

Claire, you want to see a picture of a guy with elephantiasis of the nuts?

- It's pretty tasty. - No, thank you.

How do you think he rides a bike?

Oh, Claire?

Would you ever consider dating a guy like this?

Can't you just leave me alone?

I mean, if he had a great personality, was a good dancer and had a cool car?

Although you'd probably have to ride in the back seat,

because his nuts would ride shotgun.

- You know what I wish I was doing? - Ah. Watch what you say.

- Brian here is a cherry. - A cherry?

I wish I was on a plane to France.

- I'm not a cherry. - When have you ever gotten laid?

I've laid lots of times.

Name one.

She lives in Canada. Met her at Niagara Falls.

- You wouldn't know her. - Ever laid anyone around here?

Oh. You and Claire did it?

- What are you talking about? - Nothing. Nothing.

- Let's just drop it. We'll talk about it later. - Drop what? What are you talking about?

Brian's trying to tell me that in addition to the number of girls in the Niagara Falls area,

that presently you and he are riding the hobby horse.

Little pig.

No, I'm not.

John said I was a cherry and I said I wasn't. That's all that was said.

Well, then what were you motioning to Claire for?

I don't appreciate this very much, Brian.

- He is lying. - Oh, you weren't motioning to Claire?

- You know he's lying, right? - Were you or were you not motioning to Claire?

Yeah, but it was only -

it was only because I didn't want her to know I was a virgin, okay?

Excuse me for being a virgin. I'm sorry.

Why didn't you want me to know you were a virgin?

Because it's personal business. It's my personal, private business.

Well, Brian, it doesn't sound like you're doing any business.

I think it's okay for a guy to be a virgin.

You do?

- What's in there? - Guess.

Where's your lunch?

You're wearing it.

You're nauseating.

- What's that? - Sushi.

Sushi?

Rice, raw fish, and seaweed.

You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth, and you're gonna eat that?

Can I eat?

I don't know. Give it a try.

What's your problem?

What are we having?

It's just your standard regular lunch, I guess.

- Milk? - Soup.

- That's apple juice. - I can read.

PB&J with the crusts cut off.

Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch.

All the food groups are represented.

Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?

- No, Mr. Johnson. - Ah.

Here's my impression of life at big Bri's house.

"Son?"

"Yeah, Dad?"

"How's your day, pal?"

"Great, Dad. How's yours?"

"Super.

Say, Son, how'd you like to go fishing this weekend?"

"Great, Dad!

But I've got homework to do. "

"That's all right, Son. You can do it on the boat. "

"Gee!"

"Dear, isn't our son swell?"

"Yes, dear. Isn't life swell?"

"Oh. "

"Oh!"

All right. What about your family?

- Who, mine? - Yeah.

It's real easy.

"Stupid, worthless,

no-good goddamn freeloading son of a bitch,

retarded, big mouth, know-it-all,

asshole jerk. "

"You forgot ugly, lazy, and disrespectful. "

"Shut up, bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie. "

"What about you, Dad?"

"Fuck you. "

- "No, Dad. What about you?" - "Fuck you!"

"No, Dad, what about you?"

"Fuck you!"

Bam!

- Is that for real? - You wanna come over sometime?

That's bullshit. It's all part of your image. I don't believe a word of it.

You don't believe me?

- No. - No?

Did I stutter?

Do you believe this?

It's about the size of a cigar.

Do I stutter?

See, this is what you get in my house when you spill paint in the garage.

See, I don't think that I need to sit with you fuckin' dildos anymore.

Fuck!

- You shouldn't have said that. - How did I know?

He lies about everything anyway.

Oh, shit.

Coffee.

Looks like they scrape it off the bottom of the Mississippi River.

Everything's polluted. Everything's polluted.

The coffee. The kids are polluted.

- How do you know where Vernon went? - I don't.

Well, then how do you know when he'll be back?

I don't.

Being bad feels pretty good?

- What's the point of going to Bender's locker? - Beats me.

This is so stupid.

Why do you think - Why are we risking getting caught?

I don't know.

So then what are we doing?

You ask me one more question, and I'm beating the shit out of you.

Sorry.

- You're such a slob. - My maid's on vacation.

Drugs.

- Screw that, Bender. Put it back. - Drugs.

The boy has marijuana.

- That was marijuana. - Shut up, dick.

Do you approve of this?

We'll cross through the lab and then we'll double back.

You better be right. If Vernon cuts us off, it's your fault, asshole.

What did he say? Where are we going?

Wait. Wait, hold it. Hold it.

- We have to go through the cafeteria. - No, the activities hall.

- You don't know what you're talking about. - No, you don't!

We're through listening to you.

We're going this way. You can go where you want, Motorhead.

Come on!

- Shit! - Great idea, jag-off.

- Fuck you. - Fuck you. Why didn't you listen to John?

We're dead.

No.

Just me.

- What do you mean? - Get back to the library.

Keep your unit on.

That son of a bitch.

Three... two...

one!

Bender! Bender!

What is this? What are you doing here? What is this?

Hi.

Out. That's it, Bender. Out. It's over.

- Don't you want to hear my excuse? - Out.

I'm thinking of trying out for a scholarship.

Give me the ball, Bender.

Give me that.

Get your stuff. Let's go.

Mr. Wise Guy here's taken it upon himself to go to the gymnasium.

I'm sorry to inform you, you're going to be without his services for the rest of the day.

B- O-O H-O-O.

Everything's a big joke, Bender?

The false alarm you pulled Friday. False alarms are really funny, aren't they?

What if your home, what if your family -

What if your dope was on fire?

Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.

Oh, you think he's funny? You think this is cute?

You think he's bitchin'? Is that it?

Let me tell you something.

Look at him.

He's a bum.

You want to see something funny? You go visit John Bender in five years.

You'll see how goddamn funny he is.

What's the matter, John? You gonna cry?

- Let's go. - Hey, keep your fuckin' hands off me!

I expect better manners from you, Dick.

For better hallway vision.

That's the last time, Bender.

That's the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those kids. Do you hear me?

I make $31,000 a year, and I've got a home.

And I'm not about to throw it away on some punk like you.

But someday, man, someday,

when you're out of here and you've forgotten all about this place,

and they've forgotten all about you,

and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life,

I'm gonna be there.

That's right.

And I'm gonna kick the livin' shit out of you, man.

I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt.

- You threatening me? - What are you going to do about it?

You think anybody's gonna believe you?

You think anybody is gonna take your word over mine?

I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here. I'm a swell guy.

You're a lying sack of shit, and everybody knows it.

Oh, you're a tough guy. Hey, hey. Come on. Come on.

Get on your feet, pal!

Let's find out how tough you are. I want to know right now how tough you are.

Come on. I'll give you the first punch. Let's go.

Come on, man. Right here. Just take the first shot.

Please, I'm begging you. Take a shot. Right here. Come on.

Just take one shot. That's all I need. Just one swing.

That's what I thought.

You're a gutless turd.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm

and a two-foot salami under the other.

She lays the poodle on the table.

Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink. "

Naked lady says -

Oh, shit!

Jesus Christ Almighty!

Forgot my pencil.

Goddamn it!

What in God's name is going on in here?

- What was that ruckus? - What ruckus?

I was just in my office, and I heard a ruckus.

Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

Watch your tongue, young man. Watch it.

Ah!

What is this?

What is that? What-What is that - What is that noise?

What noise?

Really, sir, there wasn't any noise.

Ah -

That noise? Was that the noise you were talking about?

No, it wasn't. That was not the noise I was talking about.

Now, I may not have caught you in the act this time, but you can bet I will.

You make book on that, missy.

And you!

I will not be made a fool of.

- It was an accident. - You're an asshole.

Sue me.

So, Ahab, can I have all my doobage?

Yo, wastoid. You're not gonna blaze up in here.

I'm not going.

Shit.

Chicks cannot hold "dey" smoke. That's what it is.

Do you know how popular I am?

I am so popular.

Everybody loves me so much at this school.

Poor baby.

No way, man!

Mr. -

Oh, Mr. Tierney.

"A history of slight mental illness. "

Oh. No wonder he's so fucked up.

Afternoon, Dick.

Hey, Carl. How you doing?

- Good. - Good. What's up?

Not much. What's happening? What are you doing in the basement files?

Oh, nothin'. Nothin' here. I'm just doing a little homework here.

- Homework? - Yeah.

Confidential files?

Look, Carl, this is a highly sensitive area, and I tell you something -

Certain people would be very, very embarrassed.

I would really appreciate it if-if-if this would be something

that you and I could - could keep between us.

- What are you gonna do for me, man? - Wh-What would you like?

- Got 50 bucks? - What?

Fifty bucks.

No, no, no, man. No. You got a middle name?

Yeah. Guess.

Your middle name is Ralph.

As in "puke. "

Your birthday is March 12, you're 5'9" and a half,

you weigh 130 pounds,

and your social security number is

049-38-0913.

Wow. Are you psychic?

No.

Would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?

- I stole your wallet. - Give it to me.

- No. - Give it.

- This is great. You're a thief too? - I'm not a thief.

Multitalented.

What's there to steal? Two bucks and a beaver shot.

- A what? - He's got a nudie picture in there.

- I saw it. It's perverted. - All right. Let's see it.

- Are all these your girlfriends? - Some of them.

What about the others?

Well, some I consider my girlfriends, and some I just consider.

Consider what?

Whether or not I want to hang out with them.

You don't believe in just one guy, one girl?

- Do you? - Yeah.

That's the way it should be.

- Well, not for me. - Why not?

How come you've got so much shit in your purse?

- How come you have so many girlfriends? - I asked you first.

I don't know. I guess I never throw anything away.

Neither do I.

Oh.

This is the worst fake ID I've ever seen.

You realize you made yourself 68?

I know. I know. I goofed it.

- What do you need a fake ID for? - So I can vote.

You want to see what's in my bag?

- No. - No.

Holy shit.

What is all that stuff?

Do you always carry this much shit in your bag?

Yeah.

I always carry this much shit in my bag.

You never know when you may have to jam.

Are you going to be, like, a shopping bag lady?

You know, like, sit in alleyways and, like, talk to buildings

and wear men's shoes and that kind of thing?

I'll do what I have to do.

Why do you have to do anything?

My home life is unsatisfying.

So you're saying you'd subject yourself to the violent dangers of these Chicago streets

because your home life is unsatisfying?

I don't have to run away and live in the street.

I can run away and I can go to the ocean. I can go to the country.

I can go to the mountains. I could go to Israel, Africa.

Afghanistan.

Andy, you want to get in on this?

Allison here says she wants to run away

because her home life is unsatisfying.

Well, everyone's home life is unsatisfying.

If it wasn't, people would live with their parents forever.

Yeah, yeah, I understand, but I think hers goes beyond

what guys like you and me consider normal unsatisfying.

Never mind. Forget it. Everything's cool.

- What's the deal? - No.

There's no deal, sporto.

- Forget it. Leave me alone. - Wait a minute.

Now, you're carrying all that crap around in your purse.

Either you really wanna run away or you want people to think you wanna run away.

Eat shit.

The girl is an island unto herself. Okay?

Hi.

- You want to talk? - No.

Why not?

Go away.

- Where do you want me to go? - Go away!

- You have problems. - Oh, I have problems?

You do everything everybody ever tells you to do.

- That is a problem. - Okay, fine.

But I didn't dump my purse out on the couch and invite people into my problems.

Did I?

So what's wrong?

What is it?

Is it bad?

Real bad?

Parents?

Yeah.

What did they do to you?

They ignore me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What did you want to be when you were young?

When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon.

Carl, don't be a goof. I'm trying to make a serious point here.

Carl, I've been teaching for 22 years.

And each year, these kids get more and more arrogant.

Aw, bullshit, man.

Come on, Vern. The kids haven't changed. You have.

You took a teaching position because you thought it'd be fun, right?

Thought you could have summer vacations off.

And then you found out it was actually work. That really bummed you out.

These kids turned on me.

They think I'm a big fucking joke.

Come off it.

Listen, Vern, if you were 16, what would you think of you?

Hey, Carl, you think I give one rat's ass what these kids think of me?

Yes, I do.

You think about this.

When you get old, these kids -

When I get old, they're gonna be running the country.

Yeah.

Now, this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night -

That when I get older, these kids are gonna take care of me.

I wouldn't count on it.

What would I do for a million bucks?

I guess I'd do as little as I had to.

- That's boring. - How am I supposed to answer?

The idea is to, like, search your mind for the absolute limit.

Like,...

would you drive to school naked?

Would I have to get out of the car?

- Of course. - In the spring or winter?

Doesn't matter. Spring.

In front of the school or in back of the school?

- Either one. - Yes.

I'd do that.

I'll do anything sexual. I don't need a million dollars to do it either.

- You're lying. - I already have.

I've done just about everything there is, except a few things that are illegal.

I'm a nymphomaniac.

Lie.

Are your parents aware of this?

The only person I told was my shrink.

- What did he do when you told him? - He nailed me.

Very nice.

I don't think that, from a legal standpoint,

what he did can be construed as rape since I paid him.

He's an adult.

Yeah. He's married too.

Oh! Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?

- Well, the first few times - - The first few times?

- You mean you did it more than once? - Sure.

Are you crazy?

Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing her shrink.

Have you ever done it?

I don't even have a psychiatrist.

Have you ever done it with a normal person?

- Didn't we already cover this? - You never answered the question.

Look, I'm not gonna discuss my private life with total strangers.

- It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it? - A what?

Well, if you say you haven't, you're a prude.

If you say you have, you're a slut.

It's a trap.

You want to, but you can't.

And when you do, you wish you didn't, right?

- Wrong. - Or are you a tease?

- She's a tease. - I'm sure. Why don't you just forget it?

Oh, you're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.

She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.

I don't do anything!

That's why you're a tease.

- Okay, let me ask you a few questions. - I already told you everything.

No, doesn't it bother you to sleep around without being in love?

Don't you want any respect?

I don't screw to get respect. That's a difference between you and me.

- It's not the only difference, I hope. - Face it.

- You're a tease. - I'm not a tease.

Sure, you are. Sex is your weapon. You said it yourself.

You use it to get respect.

No, I never said that. She twisted my words around.

- What do you use if for then? - I don't use it, period!

Oh, are you medically frigid, or is it psychological?

I didn't mean it that way. You guys are putting words into my mouth!

Well, if you'd just answer the question.

- Why don't you answer the question? - Be honest. No big deal.

- Answer it. - Answer the question, Claire.

- Talk to us. - Come on, answer the question!

It's easy. It's only one question.

No! I never did it!

I never did it either.

I'm not a nymphomaniac.

I'm a compulsive liar.

You are such a bitch!

You did that on purpose, just to fuck me over.

I would do it though.

If you love someone, it's okay.

I can't believe you. You're so weird.

You don't say anything all day, and then when you open your mouth,

you unload all these tremendous lies all over me.

You're just pissed off because she got you to admit something you didn't want to admit to.

Okay, fine, but that doesn't make it any less bizarre.

What's bizarre?

We're all pretty bizarre.

Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all.

How are you bizarre?

He can't think for himself.

She's right.

Do you guys know what I did to get in here?

I taped Larry Lester's buns together.

That was you?

- Yeah. You know him? - Yeah, I know him.

Well, then you know how hairy he is, right?

Well, when they pulled the tape off,

most of his hair came off, and some - some skin too.

Oh, my God.

And the bizarre thing is,

is that I did it for my old man.

I tortured this poor kid

because I wanted him to think that I was cool.

He's always going off about when he was in school...

all the wild things he used to do.

And I got the feeling that he was disappointed

that I never cut loose on anyone, right?

So I'm sitting in the locker room...

and I'm taping up my knee...

and Larry's undressing a couple of lockers down from me.

And... he's kind of -

he's kind of skinny, weak.

And I started thinking about my father

and his attitude about - about weakness.

And the next thing I knew...

I- I jumped on top of him and started whaling on him.

And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on.

And afterwards...

when I was sitting in Vernon's office...

all I could think about...

was Larry's father...

and Larry having to go home...

and - and explain what happened to him.

And... the humiliation -

the fucking humiliation he must have felt.

It must have been unreal.

I mean, how do you apologize for something like that?

There's no way.

It's all because of me and my old man.

God, I fucking hate him.

He's like this -

He's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore.

"Andrew,

you've got to be number one!

I won't tolerate any losers in this family.

Your intensity is for shit!

Win! Win! Win!"

You son of a bitch.

You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give.

Then I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore.

Then he could forget all about me.

I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.

It's like me, you know, with my grades,

like when I - when I - when I step outside myself, kind of,

and, like, when I look in at myself, you know?

And I see me.

I don't like what I see.

I really don't.

What's wrong with you?

Why don't you like yourself?

Sounds stupid, but...

because I'm failing shop.

We had this assignment, you know, to make this, like, ceramic elephant.

And we had eight weeks to do it.

And then, you know, we're supposed to - It was like a lamp.

And, you know, when you pull the trunk, the light was supposed to go on.

You know, but my light didn't go on.

I got an "F" on it.

I've never gotten an "F" in my life.

When I signed up for the course, I mean, I thought I was playing it real smart.

'Cause I thought, "I'll take shop.

It'll be such an easy way to maintain my grade point average. "

Why'd you think it'd be easy?

Have you seen some of the dopes that take shop?

I take shop.

You must be a fuckin' idiot.

I'm a fuckin' idiot because I can't make a lamp?

No, you're a genius 'cause you can't make a lamp.

- What do you know about trigonometry? - I could care less about trigonometry.

Bender, did you know, without trigonometry there'd be no engineering?

Without lamps, there'd be no light.

Okay, so neither one of you is any better than the other one.

I can write with my toes.

I can also eat, brush my teeth -

With your feet?

- Play "Heart and Soul" on the piano. - I can make spaghetti.

What can you do?

I can, tape all of your buns together.

I wanna see what Claire can do.

- I can't do anything. - You know, everybody can do something.

There's one thing I can do.

- No, forget it. It's way too embarrassing. - You ever seen Wild Kingdom?

That guy's been doing that show for 30 years.

Okay, but you have to swear to God you won't laugh.

Okay.

I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

All right. That's great.

- Where'd you learn to do that? - Camp, seventh grade.

That was great, Claire.

My image of you is totally blown.

You're a shit. Don't do that to her.

- You swore to God you wouldn't laugh. - Am I laughing?

You fucking prick!

What do you care what I think, anyway?

I don't even count, right?

I could disappear forever, and it wouldn't make any difference.

I may as well not even exist at this school.

Remember?

And you... don't like me anyway.

You know, I have just as many feelings as you do,

and it hurts just as much when somebody steps all over them.

God, you're so pathetic.

Don't you ever, ever compare yourself to me. Okay?

You got everything, and I got shit.

Fucking Rapunzel, right?

School would probably fuckin' shut down if you didn't show up.

Queenie isn't here.

I like those earrings, Claire.

- Shut up. - Are those real diamonds, Claire?

- Shut up. - I bet they are.

Did you work for the money for those earrings?

Shut your mouth.

- Or did Daddy buy those for you? - Shut up!

I bet he bought those for you.

I bet those were a Christmas gift, right?

You know what I got for Christmas this year?

It was a banner fuckin' year at the old Bender family.

I got a carton of cigarettes.

The old man grabbed me, said, "Hey, smoke up, Johnny. "

Okay, so go home and cry to your daddy. Don't cry here, okay?

My God, are we gonna be like our parents?

Not me.

Ever.

It's unavoidable.

Just happens.

What happens?

When you grow up... your heart dies.

Who cares?

I care.

I was just thinking, I mean...

I know it's kind of a weird time, but I was just wondering,...

what is gonna happen to us on Monday when we're all together again?

I mean, I consider you guys my friends.

I'm not wrong, am I?

No.

So on Monday, what happens?

Are we still friends, you mean?

- If we're friends now, that is? - Yeah.

- Do you want the truth? - Yeah, I want the truth.

I don't think so.

With all of us or just John?

With all of you.

- That's a real nice attitude, Claire. - Oh, be honest, Andy.

If Brian came walking up to you in the hall on Monday, what would you do?

I mean, picture this. You're there with all the sports.

I know exactly what you'd do.

You'd say hi to him, and when he left, you'd cut him all up

so your friends wouldn't think that you really liked him.

No way.

Okay. What if I came up to you?

The same exact thing.

You are a bitch!

Why? 'Cause I'm telling the truth? That makes me a bitch?

No. 'Cause you know how shitty that is to do to someone,

and you don't got the balls to stand up to your friends

and tell 'em that you're gonna like who you wanna like.

Okay, what about you, you hypocrite?

Why don't you take Allison to one of your heavy metal vomit parties?

Or take Brian out to the parking lot at lunch to get high?

What about Andy, for that matter? What about me?

What would your friends say if we were walking down the hall together?

They'd laugh their asses off, and you'd probably tell them that you were doing it with me

so they'd forgive you for being seen with me.

Don't you ever talk about my friends!

You don't know any of my friends, you don't look at any of my friends,

and you certainly wouldn't condescend to speak to any of my friends!

So you just stick to the things that you know -

shopping, nail polish, your father's BMW

and your poor, rich, drunk mother in the Caribbean!

Shut up!

As far as being concerned about what's gonna happen when you and I walk down the hallways,

you can forget it 'cause it's never gonna happen!

Just bury your head in the sand and wait for your fuckin' prom.

I hate you!

Yeah? Good!

Then I assume Allison and I are better people than you guys?

Us weirdos?

Would you - Would you do that to me?

I don't have any friends.

Well, if you did.

No.

I don't think the kind of friends I'd have would mind.

I just want to tell each of you that I wouldn't do that.

I wouldn't and I will not.

'Cause I think that's real shitty.

Your friends wouldn't mind because they look up to us.

You're so conceited, Claire.

You're so conceited.

You're so, like, full of yourself. Why are you like that?

I'm not saying that to be conceited.

I hate it. I hate having to go along with everything my friends say.

Then why do you do it?

I don't know. I don't...

You don't understand. You don't...

You're not friends with the same kind of people that Andy and I are friends with.

You know, you just don't understand the pressure that they can put on you.

I don't understand what?

You think I don't understand pressure, Claire?

Well, fuck you!

Fuck you!

You know why I'm here today?

Do you?

I'm here... because...

Mr. Ryan found a gun in my locker.

Why did you have a gun in your locker?

I tried.

You pull the fuckin'... trunk on it,

and the light's supposed to go on.

It didn't go on. I mean, I...

- What's the gun for, Brian? - Just forget it.

You brought it up, man.

I can't have an "F."

I can't have it.

And I know my parents can't have it.

Even if I ace the rest of the semester, I'm still only a "B."

Everything's ruined for me.

Oh, Brian.

Considering my options, you know?

No. Killing yourself is not an option.

Well, I didn't do it, did I? No, I don't think so.

It was a handgun?

No, it was a flare gun. Went off in my locker.

Really?

It's not funny.

Yes, it is.

Fucking elephant was destroyed.

You want to know what I did to get in here?

Nothing.

I didn't have anything better to do.

You're laughing at me.

- No. - Yeah, you are.

Brian?

Are you gonna write your paper?

Yeah. Why?

Well, it's kind of a waste for all of us to write our paper, don't you think?

Well, that's what Vernon wants us to do.

True, but I think we'd all kind of say the same thing.

You just don't want to write your paper, right?

True, but...

you're the smartest, right?

Well...

We trust you.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll do it.

Okay.

Come on.

Where are we going?

Come on.

Don't be afraid.

Don't stick that in my eye.

I'm not sticking it. Just close it... No, wait. Just go - Go like that.

Good.

You know, you really do look a lot better without all that black shit on your eyes.

Hey, I like that black shit.

This looks a lot better.

Look up.

Please. Why are you being so nice to me?

'Cause you're letting me.

You lost?

Thank you.

- Why'd you do that? - 'Cause I knew you wouldn't.

You know how you said before how your parents use you to get back at each other?

Wouldn't I be outstanding in that capacity?

Were you really disgusted about what I did with my lipstick?

Truth?

Truth.

No.

What happened to you?

Why? Claire did it.

What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong. It's just...

It's just so different, you know?

I can see your face.

Is that good or bad?

It's good.

- See you, Brian. - Hey, Carl.

- See you next Saturday. - You bet.

DearMr. Vernon...

we accept the facf that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention

for whatever it was we did wrong.

But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay

telling you who we think we are.

You see us as you want to see us,

in the simplest terms, with the most convenient definitions.

But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain -

And an athlete.

And a basket case.

A princess.

And a criminal.

Does that answer your question?

Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.