All language subtitles for Shall.We.Dance.1937.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-FGT

Hey!

Wassi! Wassi!
Stop that!

Oh, the idea.

Voulez vous me to... to
call the police?

J'essayais seulement de
perfectionner la nature.

En effet vous avez
exactement l'air d'un chameau.

What's that mean in English?

- Same as it does in French, monsieur.
- Oh..

All right.

Comme ça, a little brook.

Comme ça, a little river.

- Ou est Petrov?
- Comme ça, a little brook.

- Comme ça, a little river.
- Ou est... where is Petrov?

Please! Can you not see
I am busy being a wave?

Comme ça, a little river,

comme ça, a little brook.
Comme ça, a little river,

comme ça, a little brook.

Where is Petrov?

Look here,

I don't want to be bourgeois and remind
anybody that I'm the owner of this company,

but if somebody doesn't
tell me where Petrov is,

this is going to be trouble
for everybody.

He's in his private room
practicing his grand leap.

Thank you.

- But he doesn't want to be disturbed.
- Thank you!

- What is this? What is this?
- Hi, Jeffrey.

Stop it! Stop it!
Stop that music!

What on earth are you doing?

I'm just having fun.

Fun? The great Petrov
doesn't dance for fun!

The great Petrov doesn't, but I do.
Pete Peters. Remember me?

Oh, that awful name of yours.

I was born with it. It isn't bad.
Pete Peters, Philadelphia, PA.

How do you make that exasperating noise?
What have you got on those shoes?

- Taps.
- Taps?!

On your ballet shoes!

- Sure.
- Sacrilege!

At last I'm beginning to understand why
you wanted a private room to dance in.

All this time I thought you were
practicing your grand leap.

But, Jeff, I haven't
neglected anything. Look.

Le entrechat trois.

- Lovely. Beautiful.
- But how much more effective it is this way.

Lovely! Beaut... I forbid that.
That's not art.

Maybe it isn't. Perhaps it's just
the Philadelphia in me.

Oh Jeff, I wish we could combine
the technique of the ballet with the

warmth and passion
of this other mood.

Mood? What other mood?
You mean this jazz business?

Jazz went out with the flapper.
That isn't jazz.

After 15 years of the hardest work you
want to dwindle into a shimmy dancer.

Forget all that nonsense.
Here. Look at this.

You realize we ought to be sailing?
You realize that

The Metropolitan in New York
City is getting nervous?

I'm sorry, but I have to stay
in Paris a while yet.

Stay in Paris? What for?
Why? Why? Why?

- That's grace. That's rhythm.
- What is that? What have you got there?

Isn't she lovely?

Isn't she lovely? I... Oh!

So that's it. Who is that girl?
Who is she? Where did you ever meet her?

That's just it. Haven't been
able to meet her yet.

But I hope to dance
with her someday.

- Dance? With her?
- Sure.

Are you mad?

Are you sure that she hasn't tried
to persuade you to stay on here?

I told you. I haven't even met her.
But I'd kinda like to marry her.

I think I will.
Thanks, Jeff.

You are so beautiful
when you are angry.

Pardon, mademoiselle.
I cannot help what I cannot help.

Neither can I.

You cannot let us up like this.
It is not up she let us. It is down.

Up or down, she let us.

- It is all your fault. You kissed her.
- But it is in the play.

- You kissed her out of the play, too.
- Go home, all of you.

Go home!

Well, hello, my little darling.
What have you got there?

It's Mr. Miller, miss.
He just arrived from New York.

- Hello, Arthur.
- Hello, Lin.

You better go.

If I ever walk on
a stage again...

- How'd you get here?
- By rail.

I hung over every inch of it.

New experience for you. You
usually have your foot on one.

Yes, Lin.

Of all the humiliating
experiences,

did you ever dance with a man
you didn't you didn't care about

- and who's in love with you?
- No, Lin.

Why do actors have to take
the author's lines literally?

And why must there always be a
kiss at the second-act curtain?

As long as I live,I hope I never see
another hand-kissing heel-clicker.

Careful, Lin. You know I come
from a long line of heels, myself.

But we've never clicked.

And it's all your fault, too.

I was a happy, peaceful girl
until you discovered me.

Fame. Name in lights.

I never should've
listened to you.

I'll quit!

- I'll retire from the stage forever.
- Again?

It does you good
to break an engagement.

Engagement? Engagement!
That's what I'll do. Tai!

Send a cable
to Jim Montgomery.

Tell him I want to
see him desperately

and I'm coming back on
the Queen Anne tomorrow.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Now Lin, don't lose your head.

You have to stay in theater.

Never. I refuse to be
a bowl in a gold of fish.

You mean a fish
in a bowl of gold.

That's what I said.
A bowl in a goldfish.

- Just a moment, please.
- Thank you.

Petrov?
What's a Petrov?

Just the Russian
ballet's greatest dancer.

Oh, fine. Well, tell him
to go back to Moscow.

The gentleman seems
very anxious to see you, miss.

I've got enough troubles without
adding a dizzy Russian to them.

Just another dancer
to swoon in my arms.

That's all I need
to make things perfect...

a simpering toe-dancer.

Get rid of him! He
probably only wants to say

he's seen a picture of me
and can't live without me.

Otschi tschornyije!

I am Petrov.

Charmed.
I'm Linda... Linda...

- Uh, Linda... Linda Keene.
- Yes.

How do you do?

- Otschi tschornyije!
- Glad you came, Mr. Petrov.

Not Mister.
Petrov, alone.

Just, uh, Petrov.

And why not? Just Caesar.
Just Napoleon.

And only Garbo.

So Petrov, too, she's enough.

Just about enough.

And you! I understand
you want to dance with me.

Of course, I cannot blame you.

But I will not permit it.

Who told you that?

Ah, a little bird,
she tell me so.

Nyet?

Not in the least.

What? You do not want to dance
with the great Petrov?

Don't be a silly horse.

Maybe you could, uh...
Tweest for me once.

Like so.

Uh, no, I... I...
I don't...

- Tweest! Tweest!
- You better twist.

Oh... Oh! Get up.
I hate this discords.

Oh, she is horrible, nyet?

Well, that kind of settles it.

With me, nothing is settled.

Well, I must go now.
I must go to Mos-cow.

Ha ha ha. Funny, nyet?

- Oh, very.
- It kills me.

Otschi tschornyije!

That lunatic's dangerous.
They ought to lock him up.

Oh, am I glad I'm sailing
on the Queen Anne tomorrow.

No, Denise, no. I can't take
you back as ballerina.

Why, you've done absolutely
nothing for 4 years.

And everything's been
so peaceful since you left.

It wasn't my fault.

Peter just refused
to fall in love with me.

- Peter, darling.
- Why, Denise.

- Or should I say Lady Tarrington?
- No, it is Denise again.

Denise wants to come
back to the ballet.

Oh, she does?

Well, that sounds like fun.

Oh. Well, I didn't know
you felt that way.

Why, of course, Denise,
you're engaged,

- you go downstairs and get your contract.
- Thank you, Jeffrey!

Jeffrey, may I speak to you
a moment, please?

- You'll excuse us, please.
- Of course.

And I'll let you know about the
rehearsals the first thing in the morning.

We can't give her anything
important to do at first.

You want me to stay with
the company, don't you?

- Oh, why, what a question!
- Then, get rid of her.

- Get rid of her?
- Remember the trouble she caused last time?

You just told her.
I heard you myself.

- I was only being polite!
- Oh, dear, dear.

- And I've given her my word.
- Look Jeff, I'll make a deal with you.

- You want me to go to New York?
- Why, naturally.

I'll sail on the Queen Anne tomorrow
providing you get rid of her.

Tomorrow? Oh, dear,
that's so sudden, why...

I wouldn't know what to do.
I wouldn't know what to say.

All right,
I stay here in Paris.

But I'll think of something.

I'll... I'll connive.
I'll connive something good.

Good.

- Peter.
- Oh...

Oh, hello, Denise.

I feel very bad because
I am not going with you.

So do I.

Is your wife going with you?

My wife?
I haven't any wife.

Jeffrey told me it was a secret
for professional reasons.

Oh, Jeffrey.

Did he mention how long
I've been married?

Yes, he did. Immediately
after dear Tarrington

took me away from you.

Dear Tarrington.

Is she sailing with you?

Who? Oh, my wife.
Yes, of course.

I'd love to meet her.

Well, uh... You couldn't.
She's busy with the children now.

Children? But Jeffrey
didn't tell me.

Ah, Jeffrey doesn't
know everything.

Imagine.
Married 4 years.

Imagine.

And how many
little ones are they?

Five.

Five?

Well, twins.

- How wonderful.
- Isn't it?

All visitors ashore.

Well, good-bye,
Denise.

- Sweet of you to see me off.
- Good-bye, Peter.

Bon voyage.

Miss Keene, I know,
wants me to tell you

how much she hates
leaving her dear Paris.

She's enjoyed everything about
it and everybody in it.

All visitors ashore.

Monsieur Petrov?
A picture, please.

- One more, please?
- Alright.

I certainly do envy you, Pete.
Going home at last.

I kinda like the idea myself.

All right. So long, fellows.
Thanks for everything.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Otschi tschornyije!
Miss Keene!

Why, just Petrov.

You come to see me go, nyet?

Oh, yes. Isn't
it sweet of me?

I know you come.

Petrov? I have been looking all
over for you. I beg your pardon.

Oh, miss Keene.
My friend Jeffrey Baird.

- How do you do?
- Oh, really? Miss Keene, I...

what did you say?

Me? Nothing.

What's the matter with you?
You got a cold?

No. I feel like you say...
Good.

You don't sound so good.
What's the matter with you?

Doesn't Mr. Baird
understand Russian?

- Not a...
- Oh, yes.

What?

What sort of a game is this?

Oh, it's just a game
little American boys play.

I beg your pardon, sir.
We can't find Mr. Petrov.

Well, you've got to find him.

He's probably practicing
that jig-a-lig somewhere.

I've looked everywhere, sir.

Splendid service,
that's all I can say.

Bring the world's leading ballet
dancer on board this ship

he disappears out of his stateroom
right under your very nose.

Well, he might be in someone
else's stateroom, sir.

What would he be doing in
someone else's stateroom?

That would be
entirely up to him, sir.

The world is in a mess, yes

politics, taxes
and people grinding axes

there's no happiness

zoom, zoom zoom, zoom

rhythm need your aid

future doesn't fret me
if I can only get me

someone to slap that bass

happiness is not a riddle

when I'm listenin'
to that big bass fiddle

slap that bass
slap it till it's dizzy

slap that bass
keep the rhythm busy

zoom-zoom-zoom
misery, you got to go

misery, you got to go

slap that bass
use it like a tonic

slap that bass
keep your philharmonic

zoom-zoom-zoom

and the milk
and honey'll flow

dictators would be
better off if they

zoom-zoomed now and then

today you can see
that the happiest men

all got rhythm
in which case

if you wanna bubble
slap that bass

slap away your trouble
learn to zoom-zoom-zoom

slap that bass

You aren't really serious about
that marriage idea, Lin.

No, Arthur?

Well, what about me?

Sorry, but I'm facing real happiness
for the first time in my life.

Yes, and I'm
facing bankruptcy...

For the third time in my life.

- Steward, Miss.
- Oh, come in.

I ordered lunch for us.

You can put the table
right here.

I guess we won't be having
many more of these together.

Lin, I still think you're a sap to
walk out on me just to get married.

No, I'm tired of living the kind
of life I've been leading.

Look, Lin. I'll give you $10,000
more than I gave you last year.

Oh, you don't understand.
Your kind never does.

Money isn't everything.

But, Lin, after all
these years together..

Arthur, I'm tired
of being pawed.

I beg your pardon.
My compliments, Miss.

And as for you, sir?

Shame.

You misled me.
You tricked me.

You knew that she was
going to take this boat.

I'll admit the charge and plead
an extenuation of my humor.

And where have you been
all day? With that woman?

Not that woman, Jeff. The woman.
But I wasn't with her.

Furthermore, she hasn't left her
room all day, darn it.

Probably one of
those night prowlers.

She's not going to
prowl too near you,

because I intend to
accompany you all evening.

- Good. Maybe she's got a friend.
- Really?

What's the matter?
What are you doing?

What are you weaving
about like that for?

- Weaving?
- Yes.

I'm not weaving.
It's the boat.

You mean,
this boat's doing that?

Of course. Must be
getting choppy out.

Oh. Oh, of course.

Oh. Oh.

- Why, Jeff. What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing. Nothing.

I'm all right, I think.

I guess.

- Oh.
- Oh?

- You look terrible.
- Do I?

Why, yes. You're all white.
Sort of...

Green.
Kind of... Yellowish.

- Maybe you ought to go to bed.
- Maybe, I... no.

Maybe I better get some air.

Oh...

- Do you mind?
- Not at all.

Oh...

- What's the matter, old man?
- It's the boat.

The whole boat is weaving.

There. Is that better?

I don't know, really.
I don't know.

Straight lemon juice, please.
I wouldn't drink that.

- No?
- It'll make you seasick.

What this gentleman
needs is champagne.

Champagne? No, no. I've never
touched champagne in all my life.

- I refuse to touch it.
- Well, you can watch me, then.

- Keep them coming.
- Yes, sir. - Nothing.

Tell me the truth.
Do I look bad to you?

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know
you well enough to tell you the truth.

Oh.

Miss, uh...
Miss Keene.

You remember the night
we met in Paris?

Yes, I remember.
Otschi tschornyije!

No, wait a minute, please.
I want to explain, you see..

I once saw a photograph of you,

I decided right then and there
that I simply had to meet you.

And I tried every way,

but nobody in Paris
seemed to know you, and...

Everybody in Paris
knows Linda Keene.

Everybody worth knowing.

Uh, of course. But, uh, I just don't
seem to know the right people..

Yet.

Couldn't you do something
about that right now?

As one yankee to another?

I'm from the South.

Maybe
you all's from the north.

It's funny, dogs have an instinct
for the right people.

How do you like that?

Marvelous, how you can do it
with so many at one time.

- Let's drink to that.
- Steward. Another bottle of this lemon.

He's gone to bed.
Must be late.

What time is it?

What does your watch say?

It says, "tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick.."

Jeffrey! Hey, Jeffrey.

Hello, hello, hello.

Good morning, good morning,
good morning.

Well...

What's the matter?
You lose something?

I got great news
for you, old man.

You're not going to be seasick.

The captain just told me this will continue
to be the smoothest trip in 10 years.

Oh...

Well I don't see why you should have such
a big head. You only had one glass.

Yes, but you kept filling it.

Your breakfast, sir.

What'll I do?
What'll I do?

Before you do anything, you'd
better put that breakfast away.

That'll save me an extra trip.

Walter, come here, darling.

What happened?

You've ruined your sweater.

Now I'll have to fix it.

Isn't it wonderful being
here tonight like this?

Still on the same
boat together.

Oh, I seldom change
boats in mid-ocean.

I mean, look how lucky I am.

First time I find myself on a
boat with somebody like you,

it turns out to be... You.

At any gambling casino

from monte Carlo to Reno

they tell you
that a beginner

comes out a winner.

Beginner
fishing for flounder

will catch a 17-pounder

that's what
I've always heard

and always thought absurd

but now

I believe every word

for I've got
beginner's luck

the first time
that I'm in love

I'm in love with you

gosh, I'm lucky

I've got beginner's luck

there never was
such a smile

or such eyes of blue

gosh, I'm fortunate

this thing we've begun

is much more than a pastime

for this time is the one

where the first time
is the last time

I've got beginner's luck

lucky through and through

'cause the first time
that I'm in love

I'm in love with you

Bellows.
Listen to this.

"Lady Tarrington
left this morning

"on the S.S. Marseilles
for a trip to America

"to visit her friends,
Mr. and Mrs. Petrov,

"who are aboard
the S.S. Queen Anne.

"Upon further questioning,
it was learned

"that the Petrovs have been
married for some time,

"their marriage
not having heretofore

been disclosed for
professional reasons."

Ha ha. That is news for
your morning bulletin.

That must be the musical comedy star
he's with so much... Linda Keene.

By George, you're right.

Sparks just told me
that ballet dancer

Petrov is secretly married.

I'll wager it's to
that American dancer.

Right-o.

Will that be all, Miss Linda?

Yes, thank you, Tai.

And he's been secretly married
to Linda Keene for some time.

They're a lovely-looking
couple, don't you think?

Oh. Shh.

- How do you do?
- Good evening.

That's what I like about boats.
Everyone's so friendly.

A toast.

For he's a jolly
good fellow

for he's
a jolly good fellow

for he's a jolly
good fellow

which nobody can deny

Petrov! Petrov!

Petrov!

Petrov, wake up.
Wake up, Petrov.

Wake up. We're going
to have a baby.

- What?
- Why did you keep this a secret from me?

- What are you talking about?
- It's all here in the ship's bulletin.

It says you've been married
for years to Linda Keene,

and the editor announces, quote,

"it is rumored that a blessed
event is imminent."

Unquote.

Why did this
have to happen to me?

To you? It hasn't
even happened to me.

"Lady Tarrington..."

Uh-oh.

Do you realize that you're
the father of my child?

Of course... that's ridiculous.
That's impossible.

It's very simple. You told
Denise I was married,

somebody selected a wife, and
now I'm going to be a father.

- Oh, well, isn't that cute?
- Cute? It's a miracle.

I warned you the association with that
Keene woman would get you into trouble.

I warned you I was gonna
fall in love with her, and I have.

It'all your fault.
You go and explain it to her.

I? I'll do nothing of the kind.

If you want me to dance
at the Metropolitan,

you go into Linda
and clear this thing up.

Oh, in that case,
perhaps I'd better.

I'll take care of this.

Operator. Operator!
Get me Mr. Petrov.

What? Don't you dare
congratulate me.

Come in.

I've come to tell you, Miss Keene, that we
will not tolerate your insinuations.

Stay where you are...

While I compose myself.

I suppose you and that toe-dancer
think this whole thing's a good joke?

Well, it wasn't altogether the
toe-danc... Mr. Petrov's fault.

Oh, it wasn't?

A man in Petrov's position
is besieged by women.

Oh, naturally.

And there was one persistent
wretch who, uh...

Well, to get rid of her,
he said he was married to you.

- To get rid of her?
- Exactly.

He had to choose somebody and he felt
that a person like you wouldn't mind.

- So, he used me to...
- Exactly.

See? It wasn't
altogether a joke.

Good morning, little mother.

Good morning.

I want to book passage
on that mail plane.

I'm sorry, but that's
against government regulations.

But I must leave the ship. It's
absolutely urgent that I leave.

Ohh. Well, I understand.
But it is a little irregular.

Well, I'm quite sure
the government would understand.

Well, perhaps under the
existing circumstances, Madam...

not Madam, Miss!

Where's Linda?

Oh, pardon me.
Take a good look.

Gosh, and I could have
explained everything.

You couldn't have explained her
embarrassment and humiliation.

Thanks. Now she's
gonna get married.

- Married?
- Yes.

Married to a Park Avenue cluck
with the longest yacht

and the shortest chin
ever christened.

You've driven her to that.

Me? I didn't do anything.

Only told somebody you were married
to her to get rid of another dame.

Only used her, that's all.

- Who said I did?
- Your impresario, Mr. Baird.

Oh, he did?

Excuse me, gentlemen, in a few
moments the fire bell will ring,

but there's no need to
pay any attention to it.

- Fire drill for ship's crew.
- Right.

He's probably in here.

Jeff, did you tell Miss Keene I used
her to get rid of another woman?

My very words, dear boy, and one of
these days you'll thank me for doing it.

Thank you? Why, I didn't need
you to explain it to her, I...

What is the matter with you?

Haven't you any feeling of responsibility
for your art, your company?

Do you realize because of your lies,
the best musical comedy star

- is quitting show business!
- Is that so? That's no loss.

It would be a loss if Petrov were
mixed up with that cheap vaudeville.

However, I've scotched all that,
and I'm proud of it.

You've scotched it alright.

This boat is getting terrible.
What is that noise?

Oh, it's a fire.
The boat's on fire.

Oh, is it? Well, I...
this boat?

Aah! Of course! Yes!
What are we gonna do?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

- Stay where you are.
- Stay where you are!

- Don't move.
- Don't move, but hurry! My word!

- You'd better get into this.
- I'm going to sue the company.

- If we get out alive.
- I'll sue them anyway!

Take this thermos.
We may be stranded on an island.

We'll need this
for cold nights.

I feel the flames.
Getting nearer and nearer!

Now, let's keep our heads.

- What else do we need? Hats!
- Of course! Hats!

We don't want head colds.

Gentlemen always dress,
even on a tropical island.

Oh, and this basket
of fruit to eat.

I'll pick up a few
blankets. No, wait.

A clock. The clock.
So I'll know when it's bedtime.

Oh, Petrov. They've
lowered our boat.

Take this. We may be on that island for quite a
while, and time will hang heavy on our hands.

Vary it with a little golf.
Go ahead, boat station 4.

- Station 4? We got everything?
- Everything.

Come on, fellas! Come on!
Don't forget the blankets!

- I'll get the blankets.
- And don't get excited, just follow me.

Follow me. Come on.
There! Oh! Yes!

Come on, Petrov!
Hurry up.

I'm all right. Don't get excited.
Don't get excited, anybody.

Everybody keep calm, calm.

My boat's number 4.
My boat's number 4.

Where? 4! 4! Alright, I'm here!
Bring it down!

Let it down!
What are you waiting for?!

Miss Keene? She's back already?
Oh, goody, goody.

Miss Keene's back. Give me her
key, will you please?

Thank you very much.

- Welcome home. I'm so happy to see you back.
- Thank you, Cecil.

You're in sooner than expected.
You... ahem... are you alone?

Certainly.

And who else would be with me?

Oh, you are a one, Miss,
keeping it a secret so long.

There is no secret.

- No, not now.
- There never was.

Oh, very well, Miss.
I know professional people.

You'll find me
the very soul of discretion.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Just one moment, please.
I've got a surprise for you.

Voilà.

Jim! I'm so glad
to see you.

I received your cable, Linda.

You're looking very well,
considering..

- Oh, well, you look grand, too, Jim.
- Thanks, I'm lucky that way.

Nothing shows in my face.

But why didn't you
tell me, Linda?

Tell you? Well,
there's nothing to tell.

- Then somebody's wrong.
- Oh, that.

A lot of false,
malicious gossip.

Petrov? On his way up?
Splendid.

- Cecil Flintridge.
- Oh, no, no, no. Jeffrey Baird.

I beg your pardon.
Cecil Flintridge.

I beg your pardon.
Jeffrey Baird.

No! Cecil Flintridge.

I don't like to
disillusion you, old man,

but I am Jeffrey Baird,
Petrov's manager.

And I am Cecil Flintridge.

You mean you are
Cecil Flintridge?

- Yes, that's what I mean.
- Well, what of it?

What?

- Cecil! Of the hotel!
- Yes, of the hotel.

Of course, well, how are you?

Well, how are you?
How do you do, indeed.

You know, I've been at great pains
to make you and Mr. Petrov comfortable.

- Have you really? That's very kind of you.
- I thought it was kind of me.

Your suite is right next to Mrs.
Or shall I say miss Keene's.

Miss Kee... what?! Oh, no!
Oh, you blundering... blunderer!

Petrov? Petrov? Petrov?

Petrov. Do you know
where we are?

Wait a minute, don't tell me.

New York.

Yes... no. We are right
next to Linda Keene.

- Good.
- That's what I thought.

Nobody's interested in what
you think... If you do.

I'm only trying
to do my best, sir.

Do your next best and move us
to another part of this hotel.

Why shouldn't married people
have adjoining suites?

- Because they're not married.
- Not married?

Oh!

Arthur.

Linda, I've only kept the roof open
in the hope you'd come back.

Since you left I haven't
had one revue there.

I couldn't find
a big enough name.

Oh, Arthur.
I'm not that good.

You're right, Linda.
You're not.

Seriously, the crowds who haven't been
on the roof since you left think you are.

- Oh, Arthur, I forgot to tell you something.
- What, Lin?

I'm going to be married...
To Jim Montgomery.

Well, I guess I'm licked.

If you have your mind
made up that definitely,

there's nothing more
I can say to influence you.

No, I'm afraid there's not.

Except to wish me luck.

You know I do, Lin.
All the best, the very best.

Thank you, Arthur.

There's just one thing
I insist on doing for you.

- What's that?
- Give you and Jim a farewell dinner.

Tonight.
On the roof.

Oh, we'd love it.

It's so nice of you
to think of Jim.

I think of him constantly.

We've had our dinner.
What are we doing up here?

You'll find out when I do.

- Petrov.
- Yes, Mr. Petrov.

Mr. Miller's expecting you.
This way, please.

- Take this to Evans.
- Yes, sir.

Thanks, Arthur.
Thank you, Arthur.

The odds

were a hundred to one
against me

the world

thought the heights
were too high to climb

but people from Missouri
never incensed me

oh, I wasn't
a bit concerned

for from history
I had learned

how many, many times
the worm

had turned

they all laughed at
Christopher Columbus

when he said
the world was round

they all laughed
when Edison recorded sound

they all laughed at
Wilbur and his brother

when they said that
man could fly

they told Marconi
wireless was a phony

it's the same old cry,
they laughed at me

wanting you

said I was
reaching for the moon

but, oh, you came through

now they'll have to
change their tune

they all said
we never would be happy

darling, let's take a bow

but ho ho ho

who's got
the last laugh now?

And now miss Keene has
graciously consented

to dance for us.

But, uh, not alone.

Those of you who have never
seen her famous partner

have at least heard of him...

Quite a bit lately.
Petrov!

What am I supposed to do?

Tweest.

I've got to keep that marriage
story alive, Charlie.

It's the only way I can stop
Lin from marrying Montgomery.

Then you'll have
to get a new angle.

The newspapers are cold
on this secret marriage.

It's too secret.

They've told boys to lay off
unless you can furnish absolute proof.

I can only hang onto
this combination,

public would climb
the side of a building

to see Lin and Petrov dance together now.
We've got to do something.

Yeah, furnish the proof
that they're married.

That ought to be easy.

I have an idea that's so
dastardly, it's beautiful.

You remember the dream idea
that sculptor sold us on for Lin?

The one we spent 5 grand on
and never used.

Yeah. Here's where
we're gonna collect on it.

- Lin never saw that model, did she?
- Not that I know of.

It breaks my heart to do this,

but with a few slight changes,
I'll turn that dream stuff

into a nightmare
that'll make history.

Poor Lin. Ha ha ha.
Look.

They all said
we never would be happy

they laughed at us, and how

but ho ho ho

who had
the last laugh now?

Good morning, Tai.
Good morning, miss Linda.

- Have you no shame?
- Why I...

- How can you look yourself in the face?
- But I...

Here I emphatically deny
your marriage to the boys,

they flash these pictures on me.
Oh, the humiliation of it.

Lin, I never thought
you'd double-cross me.

Double-cross you?!
I didn't pose for those!

I suppose that's an old tintype
of your grandmother!

Well, it could be!
It's certainly not me!

Linda, I've trusted you.

I've done everything
I could think of!

Didn't I even bless your
proposed union with Jim?

What a way to treat me,
your best friend.

Don't go, Arthur. You're the
only one who can help me.

- I've done everything I could.
- You've got to!

- Not anymore.
- You must, Arthur!

All right, I'll sue the paper.
I'll get to the bottom of these pictures!

You mustn't get involved in this.
I can't let you down in this crisis.

I'll handle the whole thing for you.

Thank you, Arthur.
I knew you'd stand by me.

Get me Mr. Petrov!

Hello?

Oh, it's you.

Good morning.

How?

What?

Why, no, I haven't.

The papers?

I'll be right over.

Jeffrey! Oh, Jeffrey!

What is the matter, Petrov?

When you shout like that,
you frighten me, old fellow.

Take a look at this,
old fellow.

Oh, I read the paper
this morning, Mr. Petrov.

You won't have to run
through the hallway anymore.

Compliments of the management.

Cad.

I suppose you're going to say
this is Jeffrey's fault!

I suppose you're going
to say this isn't you.

I can't, very well.
Neither can you, can you?

No.

You, um..

You don't by any chance
walk in your sleep, do you?

What...

how can you say such a thing?!

Well, it's... it's my bed,
and I'm asleep.

Well...

Hello!
What?

You want a statement!

Well, let me tell you.
If you think...

Wait a minute. Better not say
that. It might be libel.

Let me talk. Maybe I can
put it more gently.

Hello?
Who is this, please?

Oh, the editor.

You and that cheap outfit that
published those pictures...

I know, but... But wait
a minute. I'm talking!

What?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh... Oh, Jim.

Jim, wh-why
didn't you phone?

I...I would have
been dressed.

I suppose you've seen
the morning paper?

Oh, that. Lies,
ridiculous lies.

Now, Linda, I let you talk your way out
of that other picture,

but that's no joke sitting
on that bed. It's you.

Me? That's not me!

Do you think I'd be caught dead
in that cheap negligee?

That's irrelevant. In the picture
I'm looking at, there's no corpse.

Eh... Good morning.

Uh... Good morning.

Uh... Jim,
this is Mr. Petrov.

Mr. Petrov,
this is Jim...

Jim Montgomery, my fiancé.

You've heard of Mr. Petrov,
haven't you, dear?

Yes. Isn't he the man
you were telling me about?

Yes. He's the one.

Yes, I'm the one.

Uh... I'm glad to see you,
Mr. Montgomery.

Oh, Linda, the editor said he'd be
very happy to retract his statement,

- but... how about those pictures?
- Yes. As I was saying,

how about those pictures?

Oh, yes. How about
those pictures?

Now, Linda, I don't want
to upset you or anything,

but don't you think this is a poor time
to announce our engagement? I mean,

couldn't we wait until things get
a little more straightened out?

Oh, yes, Jim, of course.
It's only fair to you.

Glad to have met you,
Mr. Petrov.

Me too, Mr. Montgomery.

Charming chap.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Linda,
we... we'll manage this somehow.

But how?

Mr. Petrov, the lobby's simply
bursting with reporters.

They're on their way up.
What shall I do?

Stall them off, Cecil.

- We'll sneak down the freight elevator.
- Yes, I'll stall them off.

Get dressed, I'll meet you
in the park in 15 minutes.

Alright.

Let's go back.
I'm tired.

Gosh, I can't keep this up
much longer.

I haven't been on skates
since I was a kid.

- It was your idea.
- Yeah.

How much longer do we
have to stay out here?

Oh, the reporters will
probably leave by dark.

I guess it would look
kind of funny if we...

denied the marriage now,
wouldn't it?

I don't know what to do.

I don't either.

The word is either.

Alright.
The word is either.

No use squabbling. That'll get
neither of us anyplace.

The word is neither.

Things have come to a pretty pass
our romance is growing flat

'cause you like this and the other
while I go for this and that.

Goodness knows what the end will be,
oh, I don't know where I'm at,

it's plain to see we two
will never make one,

something must be done.

You say either,and I say either,
you say neither, and I say neither,

either, either,
neither, neither,

let's call
the whole thing off!

You like potato, and I like pot-ah-to,
you like tomato, and I like tom-ah-to,

potato, pot-ah-to,
tomato, tom-ah-to

oh, let's call
the whole thing off

but oh, if we call the whole
thing off then we must part

and oh,

if we have to part then
that might break my heart,

so if you like pajamas and I like pa-jah-mas,
I'll wear pajamas and give up pa-jah-mas

for we know we
need each other so we

better call
the calling-off off

oh, let's call
the whole thing off!

You say laughter, and I say laughter,
You say after, and I say after,

laughter, laughter,
after, after

let's call
the whole thing off

you like Havana, and I like Ha-vah-na,
you eat banana, and I eat ba-nah-na,

Havana, Ha-vah-na,
banana, ba-nah-na

let's call
the whole thing off.

But, oh

if we call the whole thing off
then we must part

and, oh

if we ever part then that
might break my heart

So if you like oysters and I like oysters,
I'll take oysters and give up oysters,

for we know we
need each other so we

better call
the calling-off off,

let's call
the whole thing off!

Yes, it was my idea.

Have you any more of them?

No.

Read all about
the secret marriage!

Paper, read all about
the secret marriage!

Did you hear that?

You know, we're about the only two people
in the world who don't think we're married.

We don't think we're not.
We both know we're not.

Except me. I'm beginning
to have my doubts.

Don't tell me I have to convince
you too that we're not married.

Well, we might just as well be.

We certainly can't afford to deny it
in the face of those pictures.

No, I'm afraid not.

The only difference between us
and other married people is

that we can't
even get a divorce.

If I really could get a divorce
from you before I married Jim,

that would put a stop to all these
embarrassing falsehoods.

It certainly would.

Peter, you've got to marry me.

Why, Linda, this is so sudden.

If we get married now,

I could start divorce
proceedings in the morning.

Well, I... I don't know.

You got me into all this. The very
least you could do is marry me.

It wasn't my fault
any more than it was yours.

Alright, it's my fault.

But you've just got
to marry me.

Well, now, I... I'd
like to think it over.

But why? There's nothing
to think over.

Alright.

But where can we get a license?
Everybody in New York knows us now.

- Why don't you try New Jersey?
- Thanks.

Name of the bride is?

Uh... My, uh...

My real name is Linda Thompson.

And the name of the groom is?

Uh, Peter P. Peters.

I beg your pardon, but...

what are grounds
for divorce in this state?

Marriage.

Good afternoon.

Oh, Lady Tarrington.
Your suite is ready.

Would you announce me
to Mr. Petrov?

- Is Mr. Petrov expecting you?
- Oh, yes, indeed.

Room 2601.
I'll have you announced.

Petrov, where are you?
Why didn't you telephone?

Oh, it's not Petrov, it's the desk.
What do you want?

Lady Tarrington. Well, yes,
have her come right up.

Did you say Lady Tarrington?
Oh, my word, she can't come up here!

Oh, n... Tell her to
go back to Paris.

She's already on her way up?!
Oh, it's calamitous.

Oh, dear. Let me talk
to the floor manager.

Cecil Flintridge speaking.

Oh, it's you, Mr. Baird.

How are you?

That doesn't matter! Now, you
stop asking questions and listen.

There is a woman on her
way up here who started

the whole silly rumor
about Petrov's marriage.

- Yes, I said rumor.
- Did you say rumor?

Yes, I said rumor!
They are not married!

Oh! Denise!
Oh, it's you!

So they are not married.

Yes. Well, that is,
not exactly. No.

Well, my little journey is going to be
more exciting than I thought.

Oh, dear! You...
You're not going to...

Oh, yes, indeed, I am.

That's Petrov now.

I don't wish to shilly shally, but
I want to know once and for all

- is Petrov married or is Petrov not married?!
- Yes, he is not.

Thompson.

Change that lock!

Gardenias, 10 cents.
Gardenias, 10 cents.

Right here, please.

A corsage for the bride.

- It's all right.
- Thank you, sir.

Well, tomorrow we'll be
all straightened out.

You'll be on your way, and I'll...

Be on my way.

Where?

I'm gonna get back to
being a bachelor again,

sort of catch up
with my usual gay life...

forget all this.

I hope you enjoy your gaiety.

Thanks. I hope you'll
enjoy your divorce.

Thanks.

I didn't know getting married
was so depressing.

I'm sorry now I asked you.

Oh, that's all right.
I'll get over it.

Oh, of course.

Our romance won't end
on a sorrowful note

though by tomorrow
you're gone

the song has ended

but as the songwriter wrote

the melody lingers on

they may take you from me

I'll miss your fond caress

but though they
take you from me

I'll still possess

the way you wear your hat

the way you sip your tea

the memory of all that

oh, no, they can't
take that away from me

the way your smile
just beams

the way
you sing off-key

the way you haunt my dreams

no, no, they can't
take that away from me

we may never,
never meet again

on the bumpy road to love

but I'll always, always
keep the memory of

the way you hold your knife

the way we danced till 3:00

the way you changed my life

no, no, they can't
take that away from me

no

they can't take that away

from me

Well..

I guess the honeymoon's over.

Oh, wouldn't you like
to come in for a drink?

No, I... I don't think so.

Good night.

Well, maybe you'd prefer
a cigarette or something.

Oh, no. No,
thanks just the same.

Well, I just want to
thank you for everything.

You're welcome.

Well... Goodnight.

Oh, sorry. It's way
past my bedtime.

Goodnight, Linda.

Jeff?

Oh, Jeff?

Come in.

Oh, it's you, Cecil.

Yes. May... may I come in?

Well, isn't it way past
your bedtime?

Yes, but I haven't been
able to sleep a wink.

I've been waiting up
to see you.

- To see me?
- Yes, I...

I must acquaint you with the
varying state of my mind.

It feels like a veritable
pendulum, to and fro.

Then a moment later,
it swings fro and to.

Tell me, miss Keene.
Are you Mrs. Petrov?

Or should I say,
Mrs. Petrov,

are you miss Keene?

I'll tell you, Cecil.
We... we are married.

Mrs. Petrov!

- My best congratulations!
- Thank you.

Oh, now I can go to bed
with a clear conscience.

So can I.

Oh, Mrs. Petrov, I hope
you will forgive me,

but in the storm and stress
of other circumstances,

I rather willfully
changed the lock.

But may I present you
with this?

Shall we call it the new key
to your happiness?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Goodnight.

Come in.

Peter!

Why, Denise! Look, you can't
come in here.

Why? Afraid your wife
will object?

Yes. Yes, exactly.

Oh, Peter, please.
Think of a new one.

Oh, but... but I'm married,
really!

Save your breath, Peter.
Jeffrey told me the truth.

But even Jeffrey doesn't know.

Are you sure your wife knows?

Oh, please go away, will you?

I don't believe you,

and I won't budge
under any circumstances.

Oh, Peter.
You're so worked up!

And I love it.

Linda! Wait a minute!

Yes, don't go.

Um... This is
Lady Tarrington.

This is my wife,
Mrs. Petr... miss Keene.

Oh, I've heard about you.

I hadn't heard about you.

Why have you been so secretive
about this one, Peter?

Oh, well..

Well, I didn't... didn't think
you'd be interested.

Oh, how silly of you.

I imagine Lady Tarrington
is quite charming...

- when you get to know her.
- Oh, yes, she is. Well, I mean...

Then you really are married
to Peter?

Oh, yes, really.
Do you mind?

No. But I do think
it will be awfully pleasant

if you would divorce him.

No. I'm sure
I'll never divorce him.

You know, you are a lot more
intelligent than you look.

Why, thank you.

I wish I could say
the same of you.

Goodnight.

Tai?!

I'm sorry, Peter.

No, no, don't apologize. You've
really done me a great favor.

I certainly didn't mean to.

- Well, bon voyage.
- Are you going away?

No, but I thought
maybe you were.

I'll send for you, Tai.
Yes, miss Linda.

- Good luck, Peter.
- Thanks, Denise.

Linda?

Linda, darling? She's gone.

May I come in just long enough
to tell you how...

how happy I am
that you're not divorcing me?

Linda?

Linda!

Well, at least tell me
where you're going.

Alright, Linda,

if that's the way
you feel about it.

Good luck and bless you.

- Now what?
- Linda. She's walked out.

This time, for good.

For whose good?
Not yours or your creditors.

- Creditors?
- Yeah, creditors.

You know, the people who come up
because the customers didn't?

This is Arthur Miller.
Send up a case of champagne.

- Arthur, have you heard from Linda?
- Yes, she just phoned. - Where is she?

She wouldn't tell me, but
she gave a message for you...

something about
a Lady Tarrington,

and that she was going through
with the divorce as planned.

Why didn't you do
something to stop her?

I'm all worn out stopping her
marriage with Montgomery.

What d'you ever do to stop her
marrying Montgomery?

Don't you read the papers?
I proved she was married to you

so she couldn't marry him.

- You proved?
- Yes.

You took those pictures?
How?

As long as Linda wasn't
marrying Montgomery,

thought I could get her
in my revue. But, no!

You had to horn in.

- So now I've lost her.
- You mean I've lost her.

Petrov? Oh!
You're here!

Let me tell you...
How do you do, miss Keene?

You may be interested
to learn that we have no show.

- Shake hands with Arthur. He hasn't either.
- Oh, really? I'm glad. I...

The Metropolitan has canceled our engagement
because of the scandalous notoriety

occasioned by your association
with that woman!

Oh, my word, she's fainted!

It's just a dummy.

I know she's a dummy. I said so
all along... a tap-dancing dummy.

Oh. Oh!

You mean a dumb dummy.
Of course.

That picture in the paper...

Oh. Well, you know where
we are, don't you?

We're right here in New York
on a wild goose chase

with a whole company of ballet
artists and no show,

and all because of you and your
practical dummy jokes!

Say, maybe Arthur and I
could help you out.

Maybe we could use
your boy in our show.

My what?

What do you say, buddy? Suppose the
boss and I could find a spot for you?

You vandal, you vandal!
Petrov, the great Petrov,

in one of your cheap
medicine shows?!

What's the matter, Pete?
You look worried.

I'm still trying to get
an idea for the ballet.

- There's just something missing.
- Yeah, Linda Keene.

There's a man outside,
wants to see Mr. Petrov.

He looks like a process server.
Shall I let him in?

Nobody's to go near Petrov.
Those are my orders.

- Yeah, but the man insisted if he don't see...
- Arthur!

- I'm gonna dance with Linda Keene.
- Is she back?

No, but that wax figure
gave me an idea.

We'll have masks made
to look like her.

If I can't dance with one Linda,
I'll dance with dozens.

I think you've got something.

The man says if he don't
see Mr. Petrov...

you go out and tell the man
you're Petrov.

- Oh, like a game, you mean?
- Yes, like a game.

What's troubling you,
my good fellow?

Are you Peter P. Peters,
known as Petrov?

Ha. What an amusing
alliteration.

I am.

Here's a present for you.

Thank you very much.

Oh. Now I begin to see
the idea of the game.

Well, you see, I am not
Peter P. Peters,

- neither am I Petrov.
- Oh, wise guy, eh?!

Leave these premises at once!

I'm waiting to speak
with Mr. Arthur Miller.

Oh, well, I'll speak
with Mr. Jeffrey Baird.

This is Cecil Flintridge.

Oh, yes, I'll wait.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Jeffrey.
Yes, are you there?

Of course, I'm here.

Now, don't shout at me.
I'm in jail.

Well, that's all right.
We don't need you.

I'm in jail for battery,
and I want you to get me out.

I'm at the Susquehanna
Street jail.

Susquehanna.

Susquehanna!

S-u-s-q-u...

Q! Q!

You know, the thing you
play billiards with.

Billiards!

B-I-L-L...

What is this, a spelling bee?!

No, "L" for larynx.

L-A-R-Y-N...

No, not "M", "N"!
"N" as in neighbor!

Neighbor!
N-E-I-G-H-B...

"B"!

"B"!

Bbbbbzzzzzzz!

Bbbbbzzzzzz!

You know, the stinging insect.

Insect! I-N-S...

"S"!

"S" for symbol!

S-Y...

"Y"!

Oh! "Y"!

Well, why?
Don't ask me why!

Look, Jeffrey, I'm in jail.
W... wait a minute.

- What jail did you say this was?
- Susquehanna Street jail.

Thank you indeed.
Thank you very much.

I'm in the subsq...
The subse...

Jeffrey? Listen closely.

Do you know where
the Oak Street jail is?

You do? Fine.

I'll have them
transfer me there

in the morning!

Oh!

I insist that you give up this idea
of making a spectacle of yourself.

Yes, miss Keene. It was entirely
unnecessary for you to return.

- Our man will serve Petrov.
- Your men have had their chance.

Besides, I'll derive a great deal of pleasure
in serving this summons personally.

- Linda! It was swell of you to come.
- Hello, Arthur.

I want you to meet
my attorney, Mr. Russell.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

He said if he couldn't dance with you,
he'd dance with images of you

Arthur, take me backstage.

Why, Mrs. Petrov.
Or should I say miss Keene?

Oh, hello. You're back, eh?
Well, what do you want?

What's the matter, Cecil?

Arthur, please.

Drop that long face,
come on, have your fling

why keep nursing
the blues?

if you want this old world
on a string

put on your dancing shoes,
stop wasting time

put on your dancing shoes

watch your spirits climb!

Shall we dance
or keep on moping?

Shall we dance
and walk on air?

Shall we give in to despair?

Or shall we dance
with never a care?

Life is short, we're growing older,

don't you be an also-ran

you'd better dance little lady,
dance little man,

dance whenever you can!

Otschi tschornyije.

They all said we'd
never get together

they laughed at us, and how,

but ho ho ho

who's got
the last laugh now?