Original subtitles

[Music]

in the beginning there was only darkness

and out of that darkness was born the

demons are who loved as a kid ease and

oppressor of humankind but from out of

the shadows cane cron warrior above

whole warriors and bearer of the gods

saw

[Music]

he freed humankind and led them to

victory

[Applause]

[Music]

but victory was daily one suffering a

mortal wound to his heart cron bled for

seven days and seven nights and a

hundred warriors drank of his spilled

blood and bad his strength cron looked

down at them and what he saw was good

and with that he died

[Music]

thus were born the barbarians the mighty

sons of cron

[Music]

oh yeah

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

listen up people

strength courage fearlessness these

frags work Ron's gifts to our people for

thousands of generations his untitled

garage has been running through our

veins that's it's what we celebrate on

this day every year before we go on a

quest my first and foremost it is Ron's

blood which makes us barbarians the

greatest warriors in all of metal onea

okay rhonu it's your turn roll is ill

Ronal are taking a sick day

Raoul why don't you just skip me my

elbow is hurting maybe I'm getting

osteoporosis jerk-off elbow come on just

give it all you've got shit

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

get in shape before going out on a quest

roam a barbarian who can swing a

double-headed axis well it's not a real

pop berry what the hell am I gonna do on

a quest anyway I'll just get in your way

why can't I hang it you're a son of

crown wahoo Kron Suns go on quests to

kill monsters and return home in glory

that's the essence of being a barbarian

uncle take a look at me what can I do to

harm a monster flex these muscles and

hope it lasts itself to death what's up

Ronal have you gotten some muscles funny

hey have you gotten yourself some brain

cells huh what yeah if there's one of my

back and you pop it for me so freakin

typical right before the party listen

Rory going out on a quest is more about

having big balls rather than big muscles

it's about courage once you show you're

a real man questing is fun crushing the

enemy is easy okay maybe it's just me

but I can't get over the fact that you

can seriously die from questing I'll

just shut up on Friday

[Music]

what the hell is that

[Music]

your arm Shaytards people

[Music]

[Music]

Oh

wait hold its alt who goes there

[Music]

greetings noble barbarians Master

Florian bad at your service we merely

wish humble fee of course to enrich your

spectacular buffet of raffle with noble

sonatas from olden times about heroes

and heroines

[Music]

[Applause]

what they seem songs at parties parties

that badass weapon is not a flame hurler

- fucking tuba man coming cracked open a

skull in ages I know that was a joke

[Music]

howdy girls

how about washing my massive rocks bit

dirty for Strings loot loot hey it's

time for Ellen's no frivolity my tongue

any better

duty calls we must practice for the

party in there just a little time to

check out the honey's no no no a real

bastard comes down to this how does it

have to be so perfect isn't it about

time we went on a quest and join the

barbarians tomorrow and getting it all

the action look at me I really need to

meet some chicks man I mean write some

very important poems and that sort of

thing Oh Allie bet you won't be ready

for that until you know all poems ever

written entirely by heart right but that

like a hundred years nonsense

total rubbish my little friend I was

only 57 when I was fully trained a

youngster now stick

[Applause]

honey better so I went hunting the other

day why and just happened to run into an

or kindergarten cute kids

here you go sugar this is for you oh

really brings out your eyes

oh you got to see this one too it's an

invisibility Body Lotion

I used to last you and I snuck into a

Hera cool right

totally sneaky peeky man you can't even

[Music]

[Music]

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all sons of crown or gathered Lord

Farkas I then the time is covered

[Music]

can I take over your shift what about

the party huh

yeah I was a bit tired okay then but

blow the horn if you see anything

suspicious okay think you can do that ah

who cares if I can blow that shitty horn

I just want to be alone okay it's a big

horn first to drawing a big breath

deeper and your God for God's sake uncle

who in the hell would bother attacking

us

we're barbarians we've crushed

everything in the northern hemisphere

we've never been attacked damn it you

may be right but it's the principle that

counts it's gonna be the death of me

fucking barbarians man

[Music]

you know what the hell is that

[Music]

[Applause]

we're under attack

let grab your weapons what is your

command unleash the fires of hell

[Music]

[Music]

I don't remember ordering any firewood

we're under attack

[Music]

bitch bar email

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

I really do try fine just isn't good

enough Ronald come on we've gotta save

the others

[Music]

are these the famous sons of cron how

pathetic chain the ball up and don't

leave anyone behind we barbarians never

surrender

[Music]

[Applause]

[Laughter]

and we want boughs to Lourdes focus on

[Music]

take them away you heard Lord fall kazar

get the last ones locked up

come on hurry up get the pigs in the

cart I haven't got all night

remember your shoes and purses

I mean axes we won't be coming back to

get them a problem here this president

don't with the cops what should I do

huh that's not a barbarian take it out

back and kill the bitch what yeah damn

it now it gets the Punjab

[Music]

oh what a night my head is killing me

wow this place looks pretty nice dude

where'd everyone go

you have to do the after party or

something wait up

Oh

[Music]

uncle you're alive not for long Cronus

calling me oh no uncle

it's probably just a Ronal when your

parents died I promised to look after

you I kept that promise

now it's your turn promise me something

that you'll save the others they're

counting on you rhodol what but but I

can't promise me you must go north to

the Oracle the Oracle but but how you

are their only hope you are the last

free barbarian

uncle uncle

[Music]

[Music]

hmm coax a disability lotion yo what's

up you going on a quest uh no I have to

go find the other barbarians now okay uh

sounds like a quest you're going on the

quest I'm not going on a quest I have to

find my tribe that is so totally a quest

I made up and who are you howdy

a Lebert bard pink tick John yeah

wait hey you can't say no cuz I'll just

follow you like a shadow

yeah oh it's gonna be awesome man you

know what since we're heading north why

don't we visit the Amazons along the way

no I hear the chicks up there totally

drool we gotta check it out man listen

it's true stop following me around okay

Amazon chicks are born hotter and

hornier than a June bride and all of it

Shh you're a drag man I've got it we'll

go to beryllium know the women there

have curly tails aboard it is I would be

great they sound like pigs oh come on

what are you doing here anyway I need to

talk to the Oracle so do you think this

dude could hook us up great ass buddy

[Music]

hello hello well you sure took your

sweet time I've been sitting here since

last Sunday are you coming in or what uh

sorry what why well you need to wipe my

shit stain shrivel ass you idiot fuck

are you doing here I want you the

fucking nurse uh what no wewe gundarr

sent me that's it I'm done shit I get to

wipe it

Joey's here my goddamn hemorrhoids I

gotta tell you something about this Lord

focus ah he's a mighty warrior the dark

forces of the zucchinis protects them

yeah well it's not as if I want to fight

him or anything I just want to find my

tribe focus our craze the power to rule

all a metal Oh Nia so far no one's been

able to stop

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[Music]

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this guy is surrounded by impenetrable

armor no weapon can ever hurt this

bastard there is only one sword with the

power to defeat him watch

[Music]

what's so special about that you

barbarian of all people should know that

this is Kron 4

it's a joke right don't you know it

doesn't exist all of our variants have

been searching for that stupid sword

forever I'm sorry to break it to you old

man but it's just a silly fairy only

that sword can hurt Lord

Volkers are and you will never save your

tribe without killing him only a

fearless warrior will be able to use

cron sword

and without a great warrior Baltazar is

invincible and without a ball baby with

big balls

the tribe is cool

why do I care I'm just an Oracle I don't

give a fuck it ain't my fault the

barbarians are captured

[Music]

[Music]

Corozal saucer are my lord that time is

not we must awaken there's a key DS

temple soon before it's too late for the

ritual are all crime signs cart my

mission is complete fantastic my lord no

nothing can stop us might ease all crime

sons have all been captured

Oh

what what now the great and mighty zahl

isn't pleased one of crime Santa's

missing is possible hey I don't

understand we didn't leave anyone alive

whoa Heidi the blood of every living

barbarian and you gonna let one escape

plague am tell me we're gonna listen I

just witnessed my village burned to the

ground and now I have to find Chron

sword even though I haven't got a rat's

ass chance of finding it so will you

just shut up with your owns and give me

a chance to think hey I could strum a

little barbarian tunas they don't please

not that crap and crime people please my

his sword and thrust with all his

strength the sward into the Katie's

still which cracks along everything up

that's all what what is that the pilot

Ekron the ballot of crime has 2073

versus I know them all by heart and

seriously dude Krong gets laid in half

of them white well why didn't you tell

me about it man that it is late lot know

about the lyrics it's about Kron you

idiot that first was about his sword was

it any verses about where the sword is

quick get to the end from his chest the

blood gushed forth it gush night and day

you don't know after he dies come on

sing it in his grave the sword was Lane

plays beyond recall the book of wisdom

and El Vanguard is bound to make the

call

the book of wisdom an elven guard that's

it well we've got to go to elven guard

and read the book of wisdom really

that's how we'll find the sword

oh those babes are totally pitching this

is gonna be a kick-ass quest okay I have

two rules for this trip one this is not

a quest and two if we ever see anything

that is even remotely quest like will

absolutely go around it

he'll go around it gotcha good

[Music]

I'm not quite sure but if we just break

rule number one or two

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

how are you are you one of them answer

me I'm just a traveler I swear I I

really don't want to disturb you

your uh yo yo yo a massacre of random

men they challenged me to a duel oh no

not again

[Music]

screw it I'll let you live oh hey Ronald

I think we just found the fairest

warrior a need for cross or what are you

crazy she's a fucking psychopath exactly

what are you waiting for

ask her no asshole hey gorgeous

my buddy Ronald wants to ask you

something no he's wondering if a feisty

warrior babe like you would be into

joining our quest you know till I save

his travel ebert you and as an added

bonus by the campfire if you catch my

drift listen I have no idea what he's

going on about I really don't know this

asshole I have zero interest in playing

with your instrument hey where you going

this is a hell of an offer I told you it

was a bad idea we'll find someone else

to save the barbarians

did you say barbarians uh yeah

barbarians are they your tribe uh yeah

the ones they call the greatest warriors

of metal onea um yeah it's a worthy

cause

I'll join you uh sorry what I'm Sandra

shieldmaiden of the shieldmaiden clan

where are you going to the elven tower

we just have to figure out where it is

first I think we'll need a guide there's

probably one in the next town follow me

hey wait you can't just take over here's

a problem with that listen uh no great

let's go score rhodol she's so into you

[Music]

[Music]

why'd you you can butter my buns and

call me a biscuit this place is sweet

okay here we are

yeah okay hey what's up asshole

look oh great it's happy hour it's

really crowded today stay behind me

whoa whoa whoa easy now

we'll go in quietly we'll find our guide

and get out of here without anyone

noticing and no fighting okay please

your call

Thanks

[Music]

[Applause]

you know what your tits look a bit heavy

[Applause]

now just say we were looking for a guide

there's only one left in the back behind

the shitter

after Elric okay thanks uh hey

and are you Elric the voice of the wind

is a light in the Evening Sun the

children of the stars

lead Mother Earth to rest the darkness

is filled by the moans of happy spirits

and the lovers I sensed you would come

Ori elves are connected to all living

things let our souls unite whoa you have

the Eagles imagination on the card

silent will the music of the copper

beeches in your heart oh yeah well now

that sounds interesting

listen I'm Ronal and I name's Gary no

meaning okay right but here's the thing

I need a guy yes all right but do you

need spiritual or physical guidance

we're going to the elven tower I don't

have a lot of gold but the ring will

tell me what to do with you stand still

let me penetrate your aura why call her

mommy

[Music]

uh-huh whoo windows me to go with you my

bow will sing with your sword I'm ready

[Music]

I found him

my bow we've seen with your sword

whatever let's bounce

hey shieldmaiden

leaving so soon how about a little dance

[Music]

uh hey hey guys everything everything's

okay we're leaving now no worries we're

cool I accept your challenge what they

must defeat me or die you're just

fucking agreed not to cause any problem

but they challenged me you promised in

and out without any fighting ok it's all

up to you

muscle boy hey shield Maiden what's it

gonna be

listen mmm friends I know you're itching

for a big fight but we're kind of in a

hurry now but I'm sure there must be

someone else in here willing to go a few

rounds with you so if it's ok with you

we'll just leave

[Music]

[Music]

have you ever seen one of these

[Music]

[Applause]

any last words shorty come on that's

friggin disgusting I'm gonna court you

like a bottle you little shit that's

enough leave him alone Black Riders

where is it up

no challenge the Lord volcasaurus riders

which one of you assholes

[Music]

is my lord one more strike and you'll

beat your personal record but my lord we

have to find the last son of Cronus for

moon or elsewhere are you gonna shut up

Hensel day hello the target has escaped

one it's been a very difficult evening

the Barbarian is being held by a great

warrior I will not tolerate humiliation

bring them to me both of them

[Music]

oh are you sure you know where we are it

feels like we're walking and circling

speaking to myself we'll be in the elf

kingdom soon I sense

you said the same thing two days ago

we're lost goddamnit

we'll end up dying like those dried-out

losers what's so funny I've heard

stories about the Kurds and strength of

the barbarians but you have neither you

just moan and whine all the time I

happen to find it very funny considering

how your ancestors are so I'm a joke why

did you come along if you think I whine

so much what's your deal with the

Barbarian that's my business

stop look uh meaning what we elves can

connect with all living creatures I will

unite with its soul and make it show us

the way out

[Music]

look on the other side there's no

labyrinth over there the entrance to the

elf Kingdom I didn't

elven gates I salute you didn't you say

this was the entrance

[Music]

come stop the keepers of the gate must

weigh our souls only those of the right

stature are allowed to enter and what

about those with a lesser stature what

oh my all the walls are crushed

what well shall we go it's just an FYI

but I but I can't do it what honestly

guys I'm a pathetic excuse for a

barbarian and I'm certainly not of the

right stature I don't think that's how

it's bent Rowan all forget it we are

going around it that's not a good idea

when you're on a quest you must follow

the rules seriously going on quests is

only gonna get you killed and if you

insist on calling this a quest then read

my lips

this is my quest and I have decided that

we are going around this date come on

[Music]

see no death traps no gates no nothing

in our way

all this quest garbage is so dumb if you

just take a moment think a little

outside of the box

oh no my man bits what the hell was that

we've offended the keepers of the gate I

sense

[Music]

[Music]

you stupid I see almost got us killed

how the hell would I know the mountain

would come alive I'm just telling you I

tried to avoid problems tried trying

just isn't good enough Ronal huh there

are always gonna be problems on quest

you're going to have to solve them not

go around

[Music]

this is the tower of the elves all of

the world's wisdom is in there

[Music]

the Book of Wisdom sits within the top

chamber

this way the moon can read it on its

journey across the darkened sky of night

the most sacred of sacred that's fine

that's where we're going

[Music]

no one from the outside can enter the

elf Kings archers have Hawk ties they

kill everything they see so we'll have

to do it the hard way

I kill the two up front while you run

across no I'll do it

what alone Ronal are you crazy they'll

kill you before you make it to the

bridge yeah I know but they won't see me

there isn't much left and I'm the

smallest one wait here how do I look

pretty sneaky isn't it what the fuck is

so funny what what it's it's fucking

empty ah thanks a lot Corey Oh relax

Ronal no one will notice

Oh tiny balls just wait here till I get

back okay don't do it Ronal just get

killed

[Music]

[Music]

so today

Gullit live Lacombe the Harvey

it's open

[Music]

[Music]

yeah

[Music]

[Music]

what

[Music]

there it is

let's see what we got sort of crawl in

this how the hell am I gonna find sort

of quad thats it cron sword piece of

cake like anyone's ever gonna notice

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Oh

the map says the crown was buried with

his sword in the mountain of eternity my

ELF soul senses but it is far far hidden

at it fairly close by destiny is on our

side hmm I was wrong about you what the

tower you made it

well sort of you do the barbarians honor

uh thanks well I've got an axe to

sharpen so uh I I was thinking hmm well

it's just hmm I never thanked you for uh

joining me honestly I couldn't have ever

made it without you okay

well then we better get some sleep maybe

we'll find the sword tomorrow so I'll

keep watch

we elves don't need any sleep you can

all rest easy hmm can I ask you

something Ron all uh sure go ahead what

are they like

the barbarians well they're not the

brightest I was thinking more like in

here Oh

a barbarian is always there to help when

you need them no matter how dangerous or

difficult it is and they go on quests

all the time

they're totally fearless kind of hard to

believe that I'm one of them huh I'm

their kick-ass warriors right yep the

best in the world

kick-ass warriors are so hard to find

yeah uh-oh what i dissent from an

ancient tribe of field maidens far far

far away according to our ways I must

marry the warrior who defeats me in a

duel

[Music]

many have tried to defeat me but she's

too strong and with every new duel I

grow stronger and stronger

in the meantime everybody else found

themselves me one by one I was the only

one left

the duels became few and far between and

in the end warriors stop coming to

challenge me the tribal elders got angry

they told me to leave and go out into

med ellonija and find my own worthy

husband a warrior with the strength to

conquer me if somebody defeats me I have

to obey his every wish but no warrior

has been strong enough yet but but

everywhere I go everybody says that the

barbarians are metal Onias greatest

warriors so maybe one of the barbarians

from your tribe can beat me that's why I

came along uh okay

okay what yeah well uh all that stuff

you just told me what's that got to do

with love at all what do you mean um I

love whoever defeats me I've waited so

long for this I'm about to explode whoa

I I've never told anyone this before oh

I see it feels kind of nice

you know Ronal it's actually nice

talking to you you're pretty nice to

talk to I mean okay well if I had met it

the other way then we would have to

fight yeah that would really suck yeah

that'd be weird you and me duel what was

that hey Elric who yells never sleep hey

what's that sound there oh I sense a

nasty voice in the way

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

when you're at the picnic

no-no-no

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

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[Music]

glorious Queen we have caught these

horrible women and I brought them here

so you me decide their fate your whim

pick him up

let me check them out

[Music]

hmm

most peculiar women I've never seen

anything like it

Oh miss Queen if I die ugly girl Oh ask

you to speak we're not women what no

we're kind of more like man you know

[Music]

well almost

[Music]

the gods of am setup rails and settles

to finally the time has come to carry on

our tribe take them to the sacred

meeting cabin rattle long skinny one

first save the other one my lord and he

knows we caught the warrior who helped

the last barbarian escape bring it out

well look at this a seal beta and a very

pretty one at that give me a weapon let

me fight all good things come to those

who wait nobody touches me you bastard

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

impressive

you really really turned me off

[Music]

you silly girl

I know your rules shieldmaiden

you must have paid me now it is your

destiny you you have to feed it me yes

it's about damn time it's my turn now

tonight's mating ceremony is over you're

not up till tomorrow what tomorrow

Queen's orders come back I've got the

world's bluest ball oh where are you

going we have to go huh

what about the Amazons Xandra is in

danger

we gotta find Chron sword and help her

before it's too late sanjer can wait a

week or so what we can't just let her

down

hey if we find another warrior I don't

want to find another warrior I want

Xandra oh you didn't even water long in

the first place

just come screw you I want to stay here

and get laid by some really hot babes

that's the only reason I joined you on

your lousy quest hmm oh I forgot you're

not on a quest you're more boring that a

yeast infection fine then stay here

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

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what the hell am i doing here

[Music]

are those real of course I just had to

see you

I laid eyes on you I'm gonna throw up my

nigga body all over your manly chest

ah forget the silly rules I just gotta

have you I found you very sexy miss

Queen but my friend needs me and I have

to go what

listen just have your girls capture me

to get on my way back

[Music]

[Music]

Oh it

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

well this must be the first barbarians

[Music]

whoa mr. Khurana sir

I need to borrow your sword for a bit

so light whoa oh uh yeah sorry about

that

Sandra I'm sorry Ronal how are you

managed to escape my best friend is

beyond me but now you show up here watch

out exactly like my shield mate said you

want my Lord consort the only weapon

that can ever harm you Sandra excellent

you have served me well I live to serve

you my lord what the hell is going on

now go your little barbarian have a date

with my sauce

[Music]

my senses say that Rome releasing great

[Music]

deal with him what you must saucer my

diesel here your humble servant the

blood of truant sons awaits you open the

doors to your

[Music]

only once every 10,000 years

is it possible resolved - god of the

zucchinis to contact our world I'm

bringing him the ultimate sacrifice the

sons of krod a warrior who sent him into

the exile of the hereafter has my reward

he will give me his divine power

everybody will obey me oh maybe fly like

the seeds of dandelions

[Music]

[Music]

white hair

[Music]

oh shit what's going on

ow you stop no but you skinny bitch whoa

what's happening man

what'd you do a cross sword it's down

there on that altar it's too late

there's nothing we can do get out of

here

[Music]

tighter I won't be happy till I hear

them squeal like my teaser receive this

offering of the blood of the sons of

Tron bless us with your

soon I will be mightier than a god and

you will be my immortal Queen for all

eternity

[Music]

Hey what are you doing in here

yeah I am alright wait mr. Oliver the

bard

you know for the party look old ritual

let me feel you did heroes help your

leather clothes they drive me on and the

way you shake your is it makes me hard

let's dance tonight until the morning

baby I really wanna hold your hand

that's so fucking lame

oh well adios

let the chosen one step forward

[Music]

grande sword I offer you hurry up we

gotta free the other Jaime what the hell

would you believe this shit

are you for real man drama sweet cheeks

your ass is mine you just don't think

you now just put it down before I whip

your ass over hey why don't you chain

yourself back up

[Music]

why

[Music]

I've been so warning to do

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Music]

kill them

Huebel to be shieldmaiden don't ever

forget that

yes my lord

[Music]

[Music]

buona sera you don't have to do this

focus I'll beat me in a duel it's my

destiny

you've completely frickin lost it is it

really your destiny to kill the only

person who actually cares about you just

because some ironclad madman beat you in

a fight is it

[Applause]

you must drink the blood there's no time

left

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

the sounds of terror will rise towards

the sky all shall bow to me

[Music]

[Music]

fuck saga Crotty pulled his mighty sword

and thrust with all his strength the

sword into zucchinies skull which

cracked along its length

what you have to hit him in the forehead

with crong sword it's red point man oh

[Music]

no you have to get out of here go save

yourself what are you talking about damn

it this is no place for you beat it no

I'm done being a pussy

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

yeah way to go

[Music]

fucking kill may I aim with the eyes of

a hawk my arrow to fly with wings

[Music]

[Music]

I got you a little French Luke

[Music]

[Music]

my queen countlessly for me what are you

doing kill David your destiny is to

serve no it's over

[Music]

[Music]

okay try let's show them how we

barbarians really far

[Applause]

oh fuck this one's for God are

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

Oh

oh shit my g-string as I'm in this I in

years

row row row No

[Music]

gone home

[Music]

[Music]

he likes Rana the bestest barbarian who

ever lived

[Music]

Oh

what are you staring at these life

Runnels alive I said we don't have to

find a duel now do we know you've

already conquered my heart

[Music]

Oh

[Music]

[Applause]

wanna see something nice yes I said it's

a really big tightness in your groin

yeah try being strapped to a leather

cross for a week the same Siriano the

fuzzies Bavaria

[Applause]

don't like a pussy fucking barbarians

[Music]

he was a weak boy laughter he wasn't

yeah

oh he was a geek boy with a chess song

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

big balls berry balls hot balls hot

phase hairy babes

yummy bangs the army balls and oily

muscles

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

okay

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]