Original subtitles

Avery, I'm on my way out the door in five minutes.

Do you want any more coffee?

Nope! Almost ready!

I have never looked forward more to a midterm election.

Finally, after 655 days

of this reality show we call a government,

America gets to vote some of these clowns

off the island and I get to report it.

All set. How do I look?

Many people are saying I look terrific.

Avery Robert Brown, take off that tie before I cut it off.

Oh, right. I forgot,

you have no sense of humor before sun-up.

Yeah, well, it's hard to have a sense of humor

when we're facing one of the most consequential midterms

in decades.

Yeah. And it may not go the way you're hoping.

I'm well aware of that.

I've been surprised by a lot of things

in the past couple of years,

one of them being that the child

Dan Quayle raked me over the coals for conceiving

is now working at the Wolf Network.

The place where truth goes to die.

My values are still the exact same as yours, okay?

But you got to admit,

my career choice is paying off.

Getting to cover the election alongside John Haggerty...

That's a big deal for me.

Yes, it is. And I'm surprised

that Haggerty agreed to go on in the daytime.

Isn't that when he's supposed to be inside his coffin,

avoiding the burning rays of the sun?

Rag on him all you want.

He is a Wolf Network conservative superstar.

He runs a zoo and all he does

is throw raw meat to his audience.

Yeah, well, today your son...

Or as BuzzFeed calls me, "the Millennial Anderson Cooper"...

Will be doing his best to add just a little bit

of objectivity to his network.

Good luck with that because we could be on the air

for up to 24 hours.

And I bet you don't make it to the end of Haggerty's broadcast

without losing your cool.

All right. 20 bucks says that you won't make it

to the end of your broadcast without nodding off on air.

Well, you are on.

Because I am a pro.

From start to finish, I will be alert, focused,

and totally neutral.

Yeah, right.

If a state goes from red to blue,

you will never know it from the expression on my face.

Really?

That's for commercial breaks.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

Good morning, my fellow Americans!

Ready to cover an election?

Please tell me that is not the same party horn

from two years ago.

I'm not saying I'm superstitious,

but if it is, I'm burning it right now.

I just love voting.

I remember the first time I was in a booth.

I was just a little girl when my mama took me in...

And then made me promise not to tell my daddy

she didn't vote for Nixon.

I carried that lie like a yoke around my neck...

until I caught Daddy making out with a waitress

from the Waffl House.

Then I had something on both of them.

So now you know why I love voting so much.

There they are, the best news team in the business!

Even if we're on the air for the next 24 hours straight,

we're gonna give America the kind of rock-solid,

old-fashioned journalism they really need right now.

Only during commercial breaks.

Pat!

My man!

First time going on camera.

How do you feel?

I caught a glimpse of myself in wardrobe,

and I screamed.

I get it. You're nervous,

but we need you to look professional.

Yeah. But do I have to wear this?

It's like something my parents would put me in

to meet the wife they picked for me.

Listen, it's natural to have a few preshow jitters.

But if this situation was made for anyone,

it was made for you.

Who else could keep track of all the data

flashing across the big board, analyzing trends,

trying to remember which is Kansas

and which is Nebraska,

all with millions of people watching you live?

- I can't breathe. - You'll be great.

Hey, Phyllis! Hey, Miguel!

Miles, here's the breakfast sandwich you ordered.

Thanks, buddy.

Yo, Pat, nice outfit.

I didn't know it was your Bar Mitzvah.

Mazel tov.

And now the room is spinning.

I got everything you asked for, Miles.

10 gallons of Phil's special blend, extra strong.

And enough energy drinks to keep this crew going

till the next election.

Excellent.

We wouldn't want a repeat

of the cottonmouth fiasco of 2000.

Would we, Frank?

That wasn't my fault.

It was those old people in Florida

and their damn hanging chads!

"We're thtill waiting for the returnths

from Tharathoda."

Menopause has made you mean.

Now, this is my personal stash.

Hands off!

So, this is it.

Mission control.

Oh! Hey, look at me.

I'm... I'm... everywhere.

Oh, yeah.

You go, girl.

You really should go, Phyllis.

Okay, places, everyone!

In five, four, three, two...

Welcome to "Murphy in the Morning."

It's November 6th, Election Day in America,

a day when control of both houses of Congress

hangs in the balance.

We'll be with you from the very first vote cast

to the final tally.

And joining us on the big board is our newest addition,

the Doctor of Data, the Millennial Maestro of Metrics,

Pat Patel.

Good morning. I'm John Haggerty,

and this is...

"The Wolf Pack,"

the place to come for honest and objective reporting.

To my right is the beautiful Callie Clark,

and on my left, rising network star Avery Brown,

who's a little on the left even when he's not on the couch.

Am I right, big guy?

John, you're so far right,

you're almost pushing Callie off the couch.

Stick with us for what polling has shown

could be a big day for Republicans.

Yes. Of course, that is just one poll... ours.

Correct. The only one we trust.

And, you know, Avery, with over a dozen states

successfully purging voter rolls,

we won't have to worry about dead voters

electing Democrats again.

Amen to that, John.

Hey, Wolf Pack,

I want to tell you about my latest book...

"Mike Pence, God's Vice President."

If you haven't bought your copy yet,

here's a brief commercial to tell you how you can get it.

Be right back.

And we're out.

Look, kid, I know you're just a pup,

but on "The Wolf Pack," I'm the alpha.

I make the jokes,

and when I say something, you go along with it.

Right, Callie?

Amen to that, John.

Yeah, you know, I just want to make sure

that we're living up to the "honest and objective" part

of our reporting.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Hey, do you know that the President calls me

every single night before he goes to sleep?

That's... a little creepy.

He asks for my advice.

I give it to him.

The next day, he goes into the Oval Office

and does what I told him to do.

I'm actually running the country.

That's a good one.

Oh, you're not kidding.

Back in 15, people. Stand by.

Frank, you might want to pace yourself with these.

I spilled some on the floor of my car.

Now I can see pavement.

Who cares? I feel like Iron Man.

Butta-gutta-butta-gutta-she sells seashells by the seashore.

Oh, yeah!

No cotton mouth for this guy.

In three, two...

If you're just joining us,

this is a special "Murphy in the Morning"...

Because it's not morning.

It's 3:00 p.m., to be exact.

So... four more hours to go

before the first polls close.

To some people, that might seem like a long time,

but not to this well-oiled machine.

Turkey?

Tuna?

We won't be making any projections

so as not to discourage members of either party from voting.

But right now, let's check in with Pat Patel.

What have you got, Pat?

The, uh, 18-to-24 demographic has seen a 22.635927% increase.

Oh, wait, no. That should be 22.635928%.

I wouldn't want to make a critical...

Yeah, that's fascinating, Pat.

Corky, what have you got for us?

Well, Murphy, as you know,

I've been checking in with the good people

of East Winnsocket, New Hampshire.

Who have voted for the winning party

in every election since 1850.

- Am I right? - Exactly.

Their polls open at midnight,

and they are proud of the fact

that every single eligible person in town votes,

all 16 of them.

Let's talk with Emily Currier, the town registrar.

Emily, where do we find you?

In my garage, our usual polling place.

Henry, knock it off!

I'm on TV! We don't need another stupid birdhouse!

Sorry. Will you hit 100% this year?

Ayuh. We are just waiting on Bill Cabot.

He likes to be the last vote.

He's kinda full of himself.

Even his husband, Ed, will tell ya

Bill can be a real pain.

I think he was having an affair with Duncan, the Postmaster,

because for a while there, nobody was getting their mail,

and then all of a sudden,

everybody was getting their mail...

Talk to you later, Emily.

Frank, what are you seeing?

Corky, there's a record number of women

and people of color running this year.

On the other hand, there's also avowed Nazi Arthur Jones

in Illinois,

North Carolina's Russell Walker,

who believes Jews are satanic,

in Nevada, dead brothel owner Dennis Hof.

It's a slight revision of Lady Liberty's immortal poem,

"Give us your tired, your poor,

your white supremacists, your anti-Semites, your pimps."

Anybody know CPR?

I know the choices that one party is offering.

And although Democrats typically don't show up

for midterm elections, there is a remarkably high turnout

in Pennsylvania, which usually bodes pretty well

- for left-leaning... - What concerns me are these reports

of uniformed gangs intimidating voters in Philadelphia,

a classic Democrat ploy.

Amen to that, John.

Huh. You know, I'm looking at the video,

and it appears to be a Boy Scout troop

helping the elderly across the street.

They may be dressed like Boy Scouts, but come on.

Look, that guy's giving the Black Power salute.

Yeah. No, I think he's just hailing a cab

for an older woman.

Yeah. Why don't we, uh, put this video up

so our viewers can see for themselves.

I'm so sorry to interrupt you again, Avery,

but it seems like we have a call from a very important person.

Good afternoon, Mr. President.

What an honor it is to be talking

to the leader of the free world on this important day.

How are you, sir?

I love election days.

I won the Electoral College, you know.

I got like 306 and she got, like, what, like 223.

There was no way to break 270.

I heard that on CBS and NBC and ABC.

They're all fake news.

Did you know that I'm actually polling higher

than Abraham Lincoln?

Oh.

Wow.

Uh, sir, Avery Brown here.

Yeah, I don't think

that they had polls in Lincoln's time.

I know who you are.

Your mother is not a nice lady.

And by the way, no collusion.

Two-minute warning, people!

I can cover for you if you want to go vote.

Why bother?

Politicians all stink.

The Republicans start a knife fight,

and the weenie Democrats show up with spatulas.

Meanwhile, nothing gets done.

Voting doesn't make a difference.

It does if your last name is Gonzales.

Aw, don't make me feel guilty.

I've been here since I was 2.

I feel like an American in every way

except maybe the most important.

You never had the pleasure of lining up at the DMV

for seven hours?

I'm talking about voting.

You know, Dreamers like me can't vote.

You can. So why wouldn't you?

- You can't vote? - Nope.

We pay taxes, we serve in the military,

but we're not allowed to go into that booth.

You really think you can make me crack, don't ya?

Yep.

And then I'm gonna get you to give me health insurance.

With a dental plan.

Here's a dental plan for you stay away from sugar.

Pat.

It's okay.

You're... You're doing great.

Um, do you think you could add a little more...

What's the word I'm looking for?

Life?

It's these clothes, Miles.

I'm not myself.

I don't know who I am.

I'm uptight. I'm uncool.

Oh, my God.

I'm you.

At this point, I don't care what you wear.

Just give me some zhuzh.

More zhuzh.

You are so getting it!

- The only collusion... - Sir...

is the collusion with the Democrats

- and the Russians. - Um...

You can look at what's going on there.

- President Tr... - It's a real problem.

We don't want to keep you.

I'm sure you have a lot of important things to do

besides talking to us.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. I want to hear

more about the witch hunt.

Amen to that, Avery.

It's a total hoax, I mean, the whole Russia thing.

The FBI is totally corrupt,

and you look at Crooked Hillary...

Well, we've been on the air for 12 1/2 hours,

but we're now only 30 minutes away

from most polls closing in the East.

And what's le... Stop it.

And what's left to talk about?

What... is... left?

Pat. Cut to Pat.

Tell us, Pat, how are the Nazis, pimps,

and child molesters doing in their districts?

I can't tell you that, Murphy,

but I can tell you this...

In 2016, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Wisconsin

all went red,

driven by lower urban voting

and increased turnout in rural areas.

But tonight the question is,

will the counties that made the difference switch back?

In crucial battleground areas,

voter enthusiasm has completely negated

the effects of bad weather,

with a net increase of 19%,

right within my margin of error.

This is so dope.

Back to you, Murphy.

Well, someone's found his inner Kornacki.

Thank you, Pat.

Frank, do you think this election

could set some records for voter turnout?

Yes!

Okaaay.

Let's go back to our sleepy New England town

to see if their results will once again predict

the national outcome.

Corky, how's the voting going in "Winnsucket"?

It's Winnsocket, Murphy, East Winnsocket.

And of course, I'll be happy to check back...

for the sixth time.

Emily, has Bill...

Or as I call him, "the invisible man"...

Shown up yet?

Here he comes now.

About time, Bill.

Hello there, America.

You know, as I like to say, you can't hurry love,

and you can't put a clock on patriotism.

When I step into that booth and I pull that lever,

it's with the knowledge that our forefathers,

in all their infinite wisdom...

Sweet Baby James, Bill,

get in the damn booth and cast your damn vote!

Looks like the "elites" have spoken.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry.

I said "damn" on the air.

In all these years, I've never done that.

I've said "geez Louise,"

son of a biscuit eater, hell's bells.

That wasn't me.

It's the menopause!

And we're into commercial!

Not a minute too soon.

That is gonna be costly.

But we can do this.

Just five more hours.

Five more?

This is worse than childbirth...

And without the epidural.

Murphy, do you need a break?

I can run another commercial.

The network's always happy to sell more catheters.

No way. I promised my son

I'd make it to the end of the broadcast,

even if it killed me.

And if it does, the kid is out of the will.

Look at this.

There's just been a new challenge

to Roe v. Wade.

Boy, it never ends.

Yes, I heard it, too.

Can you handle things around here for half an hour?

- What's that? - I researched city council members

and all the ballot measures.

Of course you did.

When I get back, we'll talk about that health insurance.

Just talk about it.

Okay, good night, Mr. President.

Enjoy those two scoops of ice cream.

Mmm, vanilla.

Eric, don't do that to the cat.

Why don't we take a little break

so you people out there can...

go on your phones and order my book.

Also available in audio book, read by Ted Nugent.

We're clear. Back in 20 seconds.

Listen, kid, I'm gonna give you a little piece of free advice...

If you want a permanent seat on this couch,

you'd better start to get with the program.

Capisce?

You know, funny thing, John...

No seat's ever permanent, even yours.

There's always some younger wolf comin' up right behind you.

Capisce?

Stand by.

Ah-oooo.

Polls are now closed virtually everywhere,

and the one thing we know for certain

is that I'm still standing

and my son owes me 20 bucks.

But what's really important is that in a time

when democracy is being challenged

and division and mistrust permeate our society,

we must remember that we're all in this to...

I see you looking intently at something, Frank.

- What have you got? - I-I'm trying to see

the numbers from "Mippisippi."

Did you just say "Mippisippi"?

No, I said "Missespippi."

I mean, "Minnesippi."

Ugh!

Well, after 17 hours, some of us are a little punchy,

but the important thing to remember

is that today every American has had an opportunity

for their voice to be heard, from sea to "signing she."

We were this close, Pat.

This close.

Cut to the zhuzh.

I'm going in.

Well, you Wolf Packers,

it's been a roller coaster of a night.

Amen to that, John.

It's almost midnight.

This all comes down to Nevada.

I don't care. I'm gonna call it.

You can't call it.

It's my show. I can do whatever I want.

Hey, look at the board.

Nevada's in.

So that's it.

Wow.

Wow.

How about that?

Guys, guys.

Look at the board.

Wow.

I did not see that coming.

Welcome to the next two years.

_