All language subtitles for Married With Children - 0602

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Last week on Married With Children
Marcy had a little announcement:

Jefferson and I are pregnant.

Al was the first to congratulate
the happy couple.

Yeah, Al was happy until:

I'm pregnant too.

The family rejoiced together.

Bad Daddy. Bad, bad, bad.

As if what you did wasn't bad enough,
but with our mother, for God's sake.

Jefferson is the perfect husband.

Here it is. I drove 50 miles...

...holding it so cherries
didn't settle on the bottom.

And Al couldn't do
enough for Peggy.

Al, get me some water.

And now, "Married With Even
More Children" continues.

Hey, here's something interesting.

For just $49.95...

...us dads can buy "Buckle-on Baby."

You get a 50-pound sack
of fluid on your belly...

...to experience the wonder
of childbearing...

...and the excruciating pain
of a hernia for one low price.

Well, I don't know about you kids, but
I'm really happy about the new baby.

The gods must be on a roll, huh?

Must be playing another round of
"Can you top this?"

One said, "Make him a shoe salesman."

Another said,
"Let's give him a redhead."

Another one, probably
a cruel, hung-over God...

...said, "I know, I know, let's have
him not eat, yet not starve."

Yes, Daddy, but the gods showed you
they loved you when they gave you us.

Well, give them gods a Miller.

Could someone please tell me
how this happened?

Well, Dad, when the ovum is embedded
securely in the wall of the uterus...

...the sperm, after about
two or three days of swimming...

...if properly positioned,
penetrates the wall of the egg.

And then the stork comes
and it's a baby.

Bud, in all matters,
except vandalism and fashion...

...I want you to be in charge
of educating the baby.

Hey, you did the crime,
you do the time.

God, I feel like Exxon. One spill,
I'm paying for it the rest of my life.

Come on, Daddy,
look on the bright side.

I mean, how long could the rest
of your life be?

Come on, Kel. Can't you see the man's
plotting his next sexcapade?

- Let's finish setting up this intercom.
- What intercom?

The one Mom wants us to put in every
room so you can't have any peace.

Sorry, Daddy, you wet your bed,
now lie in it.

I guess I'll turn on the TV. At least
that can't reproduce. Damn shame.

Thank God I don't have to hear
any more talk about babies.

You're pregnant, Mindy.

What a lovely baby.
Where'd you find it, Hoss?

What's that, Lassie? Our cow just
had a baby and you ate the placenta?

- My baby...
- Her baby...

Babies declare war on Lithuania.

God, that's just how I left him.

You will never guess
where we went, Al.

To Madame Rachel,
the baby psychic.

She was amazing.

For starters, she knew
that I felt bloated...

...had morning sickness,
and that my nipples hurt.

I didn't think
that was possible with innies.

Al, don't you want to hear what
the psychic had to say about our baby?

Please, Peg, can't we hear
more about Marcy's nipples?

Well, gee, Al, if we're so boring...

...then maybe we should talk
about something that interests you.

For starters, let's talk about...

...what goes through your mind at that
exciting moment when you sell a shoe.

I think, "How could someone buy
something so cheap, ugly and stupid?"

Then I think, "Somebody knocked up
my neighbor, so anything's possible."

Oh, yeah, honey,
anything's possible...

...except both of us
being satisfied after sex.

That was a good one, wasn't it?
Yeah, we got your daddy good.

Come on, Al, laugh with the baby.

I don't wanna.

If someone didn't know you, they'd
think you weren't happy about this.

Oh, I'm happy about it. I mean,
after all, it's something we planned for.

Oh, I love the baby.
Everyone loves the baby.

God, I hate the baby.

I hate Mom.

I mean, you can't blame Dad.
He's a stupid animal...

...but Mom knew what she was doing.

Kelly, is that button on?

Of course not.
One says "on" and one says "off."

How stupid do you think I am?

Well, I for one love the baby.

What do you mean?
Why are you poking at me, gnome?

They can hear us?

I "wuv" the baby too.

And I really, really, really love Mom.
Which damn button is on?

Why do they have to
both start with an 0?

And soon there'll be three.

God, I wish Jefferson
was here. Rub my belly.

He's my husband
and he's rubbing my belly.

I'm not rubbing any occupied bellies.
I'm a human being.

Oh, yeah, soon I'll be
partying like 1999.

- Isn't this nice?
- You should have Jefferson do this.

You can just feel the fatherhood
flow through you.

Al, I don't feel the fatherhood
flowing through me.

Well, you may not have felt it,
but it's obviously there.

That's not the first time
he's said that to me.

We got him good again.
Come on, Al, laugh with the baby.

I don't wanna.

Besides, I don't think you're pregnant.
That's a 10 gallon can...

...of ice cream down there.

Come on, Peg, laugh with the ulcer.

Now, don't make
the baby hate you. Rub.

God, he's depressing.
I want Jefferson.

- So do I.
- So do I.

At least he'll be here soon.
He's out getting me a wave machine.

At the baby expo, at the
"hundred dollar and over" booth...

...we learned that babies
like the sound of water.

Al, I want a wave machine.

I think the baby's
getting plenty of waves...

...with turbulence of the daily arrival
of your four Grand Slam breakfasts.

Have you tried the
Six Corn Dog Special at Bippys?

Every day on the way
to Flap Jack Johnny's.

You ever transport Bippys corndogs
to Johnny's and roll it up in a flapjack?

With the ranch dressing and those
chunky croutons from the salad tub?

- Now, that's eating.
- Now, that's eating.

Peg, Peg, speaking
of eating, I too enjoy...

Less talk. More rub.

So Al, when do I get
my wave machine?

- Not getting one.
- You don't know how much it costs.

I didn't think it was important,
since I'm not getting one.

Al, you don't want Marcy's baby
to be smarter than ours, do you?

Peg, our other kids didn't have a wave
machine and look how they turned out.

Mom, Bud has more
fingers than I do.

Honey, did you try
counting on both hands?

Hey.

Not because they
didn't have a wave machine.

That's because your parents
were brother and sister.

That is not true.

They just started to look alike
when Mom's hair fell out.

Oh, come on, Al,
I want a wave machine. It's only $329.

Oh, thank you, God, that's exactly
the price of my socket wrench set.

You know, this is amazing.
You are actually gonna tell me...

...you would rather spend money on a
socket set than the fruit of your loins.

You know I had my
heart set on that socket...

- What?
- Oh, Al, now look what you've done.

I'm crying. And so's the baby.

I'm crying too.

I hope you're happy now.

- Rub our bellies!
- Rub our bellies!

Hold it. Enough. Enough.
I'm getting up.

Now you see me going.

Really, Al? You're really going?

Yes, Peg. I'm really going.

Bus for Scranton
now loading, gate 15.

Another one, buddy?

God, what a great place.

I mean, it's genius.

A bar hooked up to the public-address
system at the bus terminal...

...so you don't miss your
connection for leaving your wife.

Don't forget about the cheap bimbos.
They give the place class.

- So where you headed, pal?
- I don't know.

Someplace where
there's a lot of girls, no women.

Oh, L.A.

You might want to use
one of our new instant ID machines.

It's genius.

Hair dye. Get your hair dye.

False moustaches, bulbous noses!

Bus to Tacoma now loading,
gate six.

Let her try and find me now.

Hey, you want to hear a sad story?

My wife's having another baby
and I think it's mine. The end.

Hey, buddy, you gonna let go
of that dollar?

Oh, I'm sorry, here you go.

My next door neighbor's
having a baby too.

God, what a weenie.

Even has a weenie name. Jefferson.

Mr. Perfect Husband.

Waiting on his ferret-face of a wife.

I'll tell you something,
when that guy rolls over...

...and has to look at that...
Hey, Jefferson.

I was just talking about the
neighbor on the other side.

You know, his name is Jefferson.
He's having a baby too.

What do you think about that?

So, what are you doing here?

I'm running like a river
when the snow melts.

It was the baby expo, Al. It broke me.
You should have seen it.

It was nothing but acres of fat,
pregnant women wearing Keds.

Why are you running, Al?

Can you look at me
and seriously ask that?

Don't take an oxen that
works with his yoke...

...for 20 years, take the yoke off,
and then say:

"Oh, Just kidding. Here's a
heavier yoke for you, old fella.

Toss it on and rub my belly."

Well, you should rub
the belly I've been rubbing.

I have.

What you watching?

Nothing. I'm just listening
to Mom eat on the intercom.

Is there anything left for us to eat?

Oh, sure. Why don't you
go and stick your hand...

...through the door
and see what happens.

I see the only chance of me getting
any food, love or attention any more...

...is if the baby comes out
looking like you.

But then again, what are the chances
of Mom having two circus monkeys?

Why, the odds must be one in nine.

Excuse me, is there
anybody down there?

My bucket o' tapioca is empty.

Bud, look what we've become.

Pudding slaves to Mount Mom.

Yeah, I don't know
how Dad can put up with it.

After all he's been through, he's
out doing something nice for Mom.

Well, good. Then he'll be home
soon and he can fill her trough.

You wanna go to a movie?

I can't. You know, I checked
that box under my bed.

Someone stole all my money.

Al.

Al.

Al. Look, just because we're leaving
our pregnant wives alone...

...to fend for themselves
without a cent in the world...

...that doesn't make us bad, does it?

Heck, no. Many is
the great American before us...

...who have skipped out
on the needy.

Take, for example, The Rifleman.
He knew not to hang out with his wife.

You know, I always suspected that's
who he was blowing to smithereens...

...before the start of each show.

I've been thinking. I mean, I'm almost
done with her first trimester.

What if the worst is over and it's all
good from now on and we miss out?

- What?
- I'm finally starting to understand...

...how she got you.
Let me explain something to you.

There is no such thing
as a trimester.

There's actually
just one long 40-year "mester."

When they get pregnant, it turns
into what I call the "mini-mester."

You got your fat-mester,
you got your puke-mester...

...and Lord help us,
you got your horny-mester.

That's when I left.

So, Al, where you gonna go to?

Somewhere where shoe men
run wild and free in the big sky.

Where never is heard
an impregnated word...

...and the hooters
are uncovered all day.

That's beautiful, Al, that's beautiful.

Monacles, family trees, gum.

Gentlemen, would you like
to be somebody?

Your shirt.

How much for an ex-football
player with a cool name?

- Two hundred dollars.
- What can I get for a buck?

A shoe salesman named Al.

Give me some gum.

There you go.

Hey, I'll pick my own name, huh?

My new name will be...

...Bazooka Joe.

Damn. I wish I'd thought of that
before I decided on...

...Anheuser-Busch.

Yep, the Buschmeister's
going to Seattle.

Join up with some friends
that have a lobster boat.

And I'm gonna be
the mighty fisherman.

- How about you, Al?
- Going to L.A.

Gonna be the big white
hooter hunter.

- God, life is gonna be great.
- Yep.

Bus to Seattle now leaving, gate 11.

- Well, back to the wives?
- Yeah, back to the wives.

If she has another baby in the
next 18 years, I'm going.

Me too.

Well, I'm going home.

Can I have my dollar back?

Here's five. Take a cab.

Five?

Can I have some change?

Oh, hi, honey. Come lay beside me.

There is no beside you, Peg.

Watch the cookies, honey.

So you went to the bus station, huh?

- How'd you know?
- Marcy has Jefferson miked.

Hi, Marcy, I'm home.
You look beautiful.

Thank you... Anheuser.

You just couldn't leave, could you?

I knew you wouldn't be able to.

You love your little Pooh Bear,
don't you?

You do, you do.

I really don't.

So, Al, what's in the bag?
Your socket set, huh?

Oh, well. You know, if one of our
children grew up to be a success...

...who would the street sweepers
of tomorrow be?

Oh, Al, a wave machine!

Oh, you do care, don't you?

Peg, touch me with even
one lip, I take it back.

You know, the only reason
I wanted this...

...is so that at least one of our children
would have every opportunity in life.

I mean, you saw what not having one
did for the other two.

Oh, what a pair of misfits.

But you know, Peg, the baby's
already got one up on the other two.

He's already smarter than Kelly.

And he's closer to a woman
than Bud will ever be.

What a pair of losers.

Honey, are you sure
that intercom is turned off?

Sure, I'm sure. There's an "on" switch
and an "off" switch.

Why, how dumb do you think I am?

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