Original subtitles

All right, I got to go.

- See ya. - Oh, what?

Mm. Wait, where do you think you're going?

I go work. Make money. You buy flowers. - No, no, wait!

No. You-you can't leave.

My mother's gonna be here any second.

Why didn't you say so? I'll get my announcement trumpet

and blow it right here in the foyer.

I need you to be my buffer. You know how my mother is.

Look, I know you want me to say something bad about your mom,

but, honey, I literally like six people in the world,

and your mom's one of 'em.

Yeah, well, that is because you have never been her daughter.

I like that you're implying

that there's still time.

I really thought she was coming this afternoon.

I've got to get to work.

I'm working on this pain-in-the-ass

environmental impact statement for our California store.

No, no, I need you. I need you.

My mother is impacting my environment.

But you bought her flowers.

Next to a grandkid, that's the best thing you could get her.

Oh, no, trust me. She will take one look at those flowers

and then do that little head tilt and say something critical.

So what I'm hearing is you could've spent less money

on flowers.

Uh...

Wa-Wait, wa-wait, wa-wait.

- Hey. - Oh!

- My little girl! - Oh.

Hi, Mom.

Mike, I don't know

what you're eating, but, whatever it is,

it's making you younger.

Corn Nuts and bacon.

- Okay. That'll do it. - Oh, you look good.

- Hi, Bonnie. - Thank you.

Oh, what beautiful flowers.

Oh, darling, do you remember that flower arrangement course

I signed us up for when you were in high school?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the church basement.

Yeah, yeah. I felt so bad for my friends

who had to find something else to do on Friday nights.

But you learned a wonderful skill.

And...

if you remember,

they always stressed that we should never put delicate stems

in our foundation.

Huh! Mother made it better.

Yeah.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen www.addic7ed.com

It's my favorite.

That's why they have it on the wine list.

Oh! Oh.

Oh...

This is a terrible year.

- For me. - Yeah.

Well, this one's not going so great for me, either. Um...

Oh, oh, there's Kristin! Kristin, Kristin!

Oh!

- Oh! - Grandma!

- Hi! Oh. - Look at you,

managing this whole restaurant.

I always knew you were a go-getter.

Oh, stop it.

She, um... she-she takes after her mother.

Minus the bragging.

Uh, can you join us? Well, you-you-you must join us.

Uh... No, I...

We're short-staffed today. I'm sorry.

But I promise you ladies will get the VIP treatment.

- Oh. - Which, at my restaurant, means

endless jerky.

Oh...

that is a woman in charge.

The boss. Ooh.

- Isn't that something? Mm! - Mm.

Well, I'm-I'm very proud of my daughter.

- Yeah. - 'Cause I-I know

how hard it is to succeed in a male-dominated world.

I mean, t wasn't easy, even with my PhD.

Dear, it isn't a compliment when you pay it to yourself.

Ed! Ed! Hi!

Ed, over here!

- Ed! - Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Uh, Mom, uh, you-you remember Ed Alzate.

Of course!

- Hi, Ed. - Bonnie, you look as lovely as ever.

- Look at you. - Oh, and you're such a gentleman.

- And as dapper as always. - Oh.

Look at you two getting along. Join us.

Thank you.

- Kristin's, uh, bringing jerky. - Oh.

Two blondes and a bucket of jerky.

I hit the jackpot!

Oh, you were always such a character.

I remember you dancing at Mandy's wedding.

I'd never seen someone tango to "Whip It."

Uh-huh.

Well, start humming, and you can see it again.

Whoa.

Ed... uh, my-my mom and I are planning

on taking a painting class tonight.

You should... you should come along.

- Oh, yes. - Really? Really?

I've always wanted to try painting.

But I'd need a muse.

Oh. And I always thought I could be a model.

Mom, it's not a compliment if you pay it to yourself.

Did you finish your math?

Almost.

Did you start it?

Almost.

That's not funny, Boyd, okay?

And neither was your last report card.

You get upstairs and you get your work done,

or we are not going to the Autumn Festival

this weekend in Aspen.

I don't want to go.

It's leaves changing colors.

Math. Now. Do it.

What?

Nothing. It's just...

the way you talk to Boyd.

Yeah. Remember, Ryan, you shouldn't talk at him.

You know, you should talk to him.

Oh, yeah. I forget, how many kids do you guys have?

None. Duh.

I was gonna freak if you said anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I-I do appreciate

the nonstop input of how to raise our child,

but Kristin and I got this.

Do you?

I mean, I wonder if it wouldn't be better for everybody

if you weren't so stern with Boyd.

Yeah, you know, be less of a father and more of a friend.

Oh, now I get it.

Thank you for talking to me and not at me.

Here's a thought.

Why don't you and Kristin go to Aspen

and you can leave Boyd with us. Give us a chance.

Yeah, I mean, you would have to ask Kristin first...

She said yes. He's all yours. No take-backs.

- Ah. There you are. - Listen, I'd like to talk,

but I really got to get this done, honey.

I'm not gonna interrupt you.

I just want to give you a little bit of news.

But you can't do that without interrupting me,

so let's just...

You do not have to worry about being the buffer

between me and my mother anymore.

Know why?

You killed her.

No.

I got Ed to join us at the painting class.

- Great. - He is my new buffer.

Ed's always been a real mother-buffer, I'll tell you.

Oh, there you are, Vanessa.

Oh, boy.

You know, I wonder if Saddam Hussein's spider hole

is still available.

You know, say what you will about him...

it took a long time to find him.

I just talked to Eddie,

and he invited me to dinner tonight.

- What about our painting class? - Oh, darling,

would you mind if we took a rain check?

He wanted to...

he wanted to see me in something other than a smock.

Okay. Well, you go, go. Have fun.

- Okay. Don't wait up. - Okay.

Looks like your plan worked.

And yet you still seem upset.

I can't believe it.

That mother-buffer stole my mom.

Oh. Hey.

I couldn't find you.

That was kind of the idea.

Sorry. Uh, so how's the impact report coming?

Oh. People's Republic of California can't slide into the ocean fast enough.

Yeah.

I know exactly what you mean.

You know, I have had it with Ed.

Let's talk about Ed, 'cause I was tired

of talking about my problems.

You know, every day this week,

that man has monopolized my mother,

and I can't get a lunch in edgewise.

Look, you don't like it when your mom's around you.

You don't like it when your mom's not around you.

Between us, are you bananas?

Honey, I want to be with her, just not alone with her.

Okay, I've told you this for, like, 30 years,

but they say the 900th time is the charm.

Talk to your mother.

Oh, right, right, right.

Then all she'll do is this.

And who could survive this?

Mike, she does it all the time.

Remember when she saw the flowers?

Yeah. When you made fun of the class you guys took together?

What? No, I didn't make fun of it.

You drew first blood, Rambo.

Oh, why am I talking to you?

You never even told your father how you felt.

And now he's dead.

So you're saying

all I have to do is wait this out?

Thanks for taking me to the arcade.

You know, you guys are really good at Dance Dance Revolution.

Well, our secret to getting the high score is doing this.

Hey, so what's next?

We could watch all the Fast and Furious movies.

Pound candy every time Vin Diesel says...

"We're family."

Well, your dad wanted you to finish your math workbook first.

Aw, I hate math.

I can't do it, because...

Never mind.

What? You can tell us.

We cool.

Yeah, speak the truth, broseph.

I'm stupid.

Hey, don't say that.

Yeah, math was hard for me, too,

and nobody thinks that I'm stupid.

I-I try, but I-I just can't do it.

You're a Baxter. You guys can do anything.

Even Vin Diesel impressions.

Yeah, and-and maybe we can help you.

But how am I supposed to remember that,

uh, "tangent equals opposite over adjacent"?

Well, what I used to do is just, you know,

come up with fun ways to remember things.

So, if tangent equals opposite over adjacent,

then "T" equals "O" over "A."

So, T-O-A.

So just remember...

tickle... ostriches...

always.

This is known as a moronic device.

Wow.

You guys are brilliant.

We get that a lot.

And Ryan said we didn't know how to parent.

Hey, is there any way you guys can help me

with the rest of this?

Yeah, of course.

"We're family."

No. Hang on. Hold on.

"We're family."

I can't... Family. Fam...

Eh, I can't do it.

Well... I am so glad you were able to squeeze me in

for lunch between your dates with Ed.

Oh, I cannot remember a better visit to Denver.

Huh.

Uh, you know, I-I think this might be the perfect time

to, uh... to talk to you about something.

Oh, dear. This sounds important.

Will it take long?

Ed's taking me to an exhibit at the art museum.

- What? - Yeah.

They're all nudes.

Even the boys.

Uh, excuse me.

I-I suddenly need to go to the ladies' room.

Oh, okay.

- Hey Vanessa, good to... - No time, no time.

Good to see you, too, Chuck. How's your day going?

Oh, pretty good, actually.

I won 20 bucks on a scratcher.

Oh, Ed. Hi.

Oh, Vanessa.

I was just heading down to get your mother.

We're gonna look at some dirty pictures.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, I-I want to talk to you about that.

I-I jest, of course.

We're also gonna look at some dirty statues.

Ed, I think it's great that you and my mom

have started this relationship.

I-I mean, she raves about you.

You're-you're all she talks about.

But I don't get to spend time with her anymore,

because she's all wrapped up in you.

Well, uh, Vanessa, I had no idea it's created such a situation.

Yeah, well-well, it has, so, um, if you don't mind,

I-I would like to spend time with my mom.

And, uh, I would really appreciate it

if-if maybe you didn't take her to the museum.

Of course. Of course, of course.

Just give me a second, I'll go right down and tell her myself.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Uh, oh, and, yeah, when you get

to the table, um, I'll say something to cover, like, uh,

like, "Hi, Ed. So nice to see you for the first time today."

- Oh, hey, Vanessa. - Sorry, in a hurry.

Oh, this shirt?

Yeah, it's new.

I know purple's bold, but I figured I'd roll the dice.

- Ooh. - Hi.

Darling, you're all out of breath. Is everything okay?

- Uh, had to use the upstairs bathroom. - Oh.

There was a woman cleaning the downstairs bathroom.

Her name's Theresa.

We're... we're gonna play tennis.

Ooh, Ed. Hi.

There's Ed.

Yeah, so nice to see you again.

Oh, uh, for the first time.

Is it time to leave already?

No. Actually, my dear, I won't be able to accompany you

to the museum today.

Oh, it's no problem, Eddie.

Um, maybe we can do it tomorrow.

I'm afraid not.

See, we seem to be drifting into deeper waters,

and I don't know if this old schooner

is quite seaworthy anymore.

Do you get what I'm saying?

You're leaving on a boat?

You're just canceling plans for today, right?

A relationship just isn't in the cards for me right now.

Please forgive me.

Vanessa.

Oh...

Vanessa, I-I think I'd like to go home now.

No. I understand. We'll-we'll just have lunch at the house.

No. No. I mean home-home to-to Connecticut.

Well, uh... would you excuse me again?

I-I just, uh, need to cancel my tennis game with Theresa.

Hey, Chuck.

You go ahead. We already talked.

No, no, Ed.

I don't want to go see nude men with you.

Ed, you have got some nerve

breaking up with my mother like that.

Well, you said you wanted to spend some more time with her.

Bananas.

I didn't mean to dump her.

When you said Bonnie thinks that we're in a relationship,

I thought maybe it's time that I just step back

- a little bit, you know? - And why is that?

Guys, could you please take this someplace else?

I don't want to get involved in this.

Well, actually, you see, she's too much like you.

Okay. Now I'm involved. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

She's not the kind of woman that you can have fun with.

And what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Calm down.

Bonnie, like you, is a woman of substance.

The kind of women I date are not as... as deep.

You mean younger?

- Exactly. - Ah.

See, the kind of women I go out with, th-th-they're interested

in me for my money, and I'm interested in them

because they're young women.

Oh. That's right, the greatest generation.

Uh-huh, you know what I think, Ed?

I th... I think you're scared.

I think you're scared to let someone in.

And that... that makes me feel sorry for you.

You're right, she's totally bananas.

- Or she's got a point. - Mm.

Bonnie's a lot like Vanessa.

You'd be lucky to have her.

Bonnie.

Good work.

Just one thing. I noticed that when you wrote "cosine,"

you dotted your "I" with a daisy.

I, uh, have a sister who used to do that.

Well, Kyle and I helped.

And I like to give each letter a little personality.

Yeah, but Boyd was with us the whole time.

And when we finished the work,

he felt really good about himself.

- I do feel good. - Mm.

And isn't that what's important?

Boyd, go to your room.

Guess it isn't.

Let me guess, he had you do all his homework for him

because he said he was too stupid to do it?

Yeah. And gave you his sad puppy dog eyes?

How did you know? Did you even go to Aspen?

No. It's how he gets out of doing things.

Yeah, he's a bright kid, but, lately,

he uses it to avoid doing work.

Wow. You know, now I'm starting to wonder

if he really couldn't wash the dishes

because he's "too sensitive to water."

Yeah. Ryan told me about your, uh,

- "let's be friends" parenting theory. - Yeah.

Rookie mistake, guys.

Look, he has plenty of friends, all right?

We need to be his parents.

It's not always fun, but it's what he needs.

Parenting is actually harder than it looks.

Like math.

You might want to finish checking those answers.

No, Boyd will.

And we will make sure he gets it right.

Really? I'm so sorry.

It's okay. You were trying to help. And at the end of the day,

we're family.

Can everybody do Vin Diesel?

"We're family."

Family. We're family.

Oh, Mom, do you have to leave?

Oh, there's really nothing to keep me here, dear.

Wh-Wh-What does that mean? I mean, Ed's gone,

but we could spend more time together.

I'm really surprised to hear you say that.

It-it seems like you always need someone to be with us,

like a... oh, I don't know, like a buffer.

That's ridiculous.

All right, all right. You...

I-I-I just feel like every time we're alone,

all you do is judge me.

You think I judge you?

Y-Yeah, see? There. There. That. That head tilt.

Yeah. Every time you do it,

I feel like that little girl who lost the spelling bee.

Huh? Vacuum has two "U" s?

I mean, that's just weird.

Sweetie, I have a vision imbalance.

Tilting my head helps me see straight.

Wh-Why didn't you tell me that before?

I never know what to say to you.

Whatever-whatever it is, it-it's not interesting enough,

or it's not smart enough.

- Oh, that's just stupid. - I just... I...

Bad... bad choice of words.

And-and you're always taking these little shots.

You know, putting me down.

Mom, I don't do that to be superior to you.

I do that to hurt you.

Oh.

I'm just not great with the talking today.

Do you have any idea how intimidating you can be?

To you?

Yeah. Yeah, you know,

one day, one day I'm changing your diaper,

and the next day you're this accomplished woman with a PhD.

And I only managed to go to what? Two years of college.

Mom, you-you are the first woman

in our family ever to go to college.

- Well... - You...

You've always been my role model.

I have? Really?

Yeah, really.

Is that what you wanted to talk about at the... at lunch?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah. - Oh.

Might... might take a few lunches to sort everything out.

Yeah.

You know, 'cause we... we have been doing this for 30 years.

Ten years.

Well, it might take a few dinners, too.

I think so. -Yeah.

- Oh. - Oh.

Permission to enter a house full of strong, beautiful women?

- Granted. - Oh.

Bonnie, my dear.

I apologize for before.

That's not the man I want to be.

I would be so lucky to spend time

with a woman of substance like yourself.

Oh. W-Well, thank you.

Th-Th-These are... they're beautiful.

- Just beautiful. - Yes, Ed. Thank you.

Perhaps we could go to a museum tomorrow. Or dancing.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be great. Sure. You kids, you go. Go.

Very tempting, but I-I think

I'm going to spend the-the day with my daughter.

We have a lot to talk about.

Yes, we do.

But another time?

Of course.

You know, for years I've admired this apple.

Imagine my delight in getting to know the tree.

- He's lovely. He's just lovely. - Yes.

Well, well, well.

Oh, now.

What are we gonna do about these?

Hmm.

Ah. There. We made it better.

- Aw. My baby. - Oh, Mommy.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, with a word about

the most powerful force ever unleashed in the known universe:

family.

Yeah, there's a reason they call it "nuclear family,"

because only the people we love can drop 50 megatons of guilt,

resentment and judgment on us.

And that's just at Christmas.

Even so-called happy families have one or two people

at the table who are basically just enriched uranium

in search of exploding-bridgewire detonators.

I'm surprised I could even say that.

They say, "Did you enjoy the mushroom soup?

Now enjoy a mushroom cloud of emotional destruction."

Of course, the mother lode in any family is,

well, of course, the mother.

Who else can turn your soul into an irradiated blast zone

with a well-timed... "I don't know. I..."

I mean, that is pure mom mojo.

There's a simple reason no one can push your buttons

she sewed them on!