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Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
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How stupid are you?
3
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Hey, come on, man. Is that necessary?
4
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Oh!
5
00:00:10,375 --> 00:00:11,417
Hey, man, there's no need for that.
6
00:00:11,500 --> 00:00:13,389
Step the fuck back. Now.
7
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Thank you. I love it.
8
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Want to know a not so little secret?
9
00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:19,654
Jesse's not her nephew.
10
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He's her son.
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I was... I was just wondering if, uh,
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maybe you'd want to go to
dinner with me sometime.
13
00:00:28,458 --> 00:00:30,464
Yeah, but just let me write
you more material for Carson.
14
00:00:30,709 --> 00:00:32,458
So you saw Girls Are Funny Too,
15
00:00:32,542 --> 00:00:34,756
but it doesn't air until this Saturday.
16
00:00:34,781 --> 00:00:36,364
William Morris does its homework.
17
00:00:36,389 --> 00:00:37,597
From Hollywood, California,
18
00:00:37,775 --> 00:00:40,691
it's Girls Are Funny Too,
19
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starring...
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We interrupt your regularly
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00:00:43,838 --> 00:00:45,975
scheduled program for this special report.
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The devastation left behind
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00:00:47,734 --> 00:00:50,033
from a category five tornado that landed...
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Minor setback, but let's
talk in a day or two.
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00:00:52,583 --> 00:00:53,907
Okay, great. Thank you so much.
26
00:00:53,932 --> 00:00:55,376
If you think that's too much to ask,
27
00:00:55,458 --> 00:00:57,048
here's 1,000 bucks.
28
00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:58,917
I am finished
29
00:00:59,296 --> 00:01:00,754
being put through the wringer
30
00:01:01,043 --> 00:01:04,166
while you find new ways
to fuck up both our lives.
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00:01:13,017 --> 00:01:15,524
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
32
00:01:36,709 --> 00:01:37,941
Mmm, I miss that.
33
00:01:38,794 --> 00:01:40,500
It's good to be back in L.A.
34
00:01:40,583 --> 00:01:41,698
Yeah.
35
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It's nice to get some time away, though.
36
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:44,538
Mm-hmm.
37
00:01:45,033 --> 00:01:46,284
Nice to have
38
00:01:47,303 --> 00:01:48,427
some perspective.
39
00:01:48,502 --> 00:01:49,892
What is the Wink perspective?
40
00:01:49,917 --> 00:01:51,329
Is it like the Titanic perspective
41
00:01:51,413 --> 00:01:52,767
with fewer lifeboats?
42
00:01:52,792 --> 00:01:53,969
Serious.
43
00:01:55,352 --> 00:01:56,870
In Wink you have two options.
44
00:01:57,853 --> 00:01:59,475
Day shift or night shift.
45
00:02:01,179 --> 00:02:02,595
But going back home was
46
00:02:03,823 --> 00:02:06,878
a good reminder of why I came out here.
47
00:02:07,913 --> 00:02:09,945
And why this is so important and
48
00:02:10,705 --> 00:02:12,513
why I know I'm gonna make it.
49
00:02:14,976 --> 00:02:16,868
Why are you looking at me like that.
50
00:02:17,039 --> 00:02:18,576
Mostly because I love you.
51
00:02:20,809 --> 00:02:22,489
And probably because I'm peeing.
52
00:02:30,675 --> 00:02:32,204
Where'd you learn this?
53
00:02:32,702 --> 00:02:34,350
Lifeguarding on the Cape.
54
00:02:34,433 --> 00:02:36,256
Did they teach you how to grab a boob?
55
00:02:37,918 --> 00:02:39,251
Well, the first thing they teach you
56
00:02:39,276 --> 00:02:40,536
when someone is drowning
57
00:02:41,408 --> 00:02:43,244
is that they try and drag you under.
58
00:02:43,244 --> 00:02:45,419
You'll be out there trying to save them
59
00:02:45,868 --> 00:02:47,535
and they'll be strangling you,
60
00:02:47,618 --> 00:02:49,496
wrapping their legs around you,
61
00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:51,848
trying to take you down.
62
00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:54,977
We'll do anything to survive.
63
00:02:57,403 --> 00:02:58,987
Ah, they're just scared shitless.
64
00:03:27,112 --> 00:03:28,208
Amanda?
65
00:03:49,042 --> 00:03:50,119
Oh, my God.
66
00:03:56,487 --> 00:03:58,952
Everything hurts on my body.
67
00:03:59,237 --> 00:04:00,264
Nick.
68
00:04:01,497 --> 00:04:02,747
Yeah, I'm here.
69
00:04:03,033 --> 00:04:04,437
You mind dropping him off?
70
00:04:05,439 --> 00:04:06,611
I do mind.
71
00:04:07,158 --> 00:04:08,261
Come on, Bill.
72
00:04:12,142 --> 00:04:14,035
Let's go, Fuckuardo.
73
00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:15,979
- Thanks, Ralph.
- Mm-hmm.
74
00:04:20,289 --> 00:04:21,306
Hey.
75
00:04:23,924 --> 00:04:25,632
Crazy motherfucker.
76
00:04:29,528 --> 00:04:31,337
Hey, asshole. Grab my bag.
77
00:04:32,624 --> 00:04:33,711
Ah.
78
00:04:36,612 --> 00:04:37,718
- All right.
- I'll get 'em!
79
00:04:37,795 --> 00:04:38,904
Yeah.
80
00:04:39,904 --> 00:04:41,779
Thanks a lot, Ralph. Thanks.
81
00:04:43,528 --> 00:04:44,779
- In.
- The bags go in.
82
00:04:44,862 --> 00:04:46,636
- In.
- There you go.
83
00:04:46,636 --> 00:04:47,869
There you go.
84
00:04:50,428 --> 00:04:51,970
East on Fountain
85
00:04:52,094 --> 00:04:53,053
still the quickest way
to get to your place?
86
00:04:53,078 --> 00:04:54,757
Uh, yeah. Definitely.
87
00:04:54,936 --> 00:04:57,513
It's not really my place anymore.
88
00:04:58,979 --> 00:05:01,353
I may have neglected to pay the rent.
89
00:05:01,436 --> 00:05:02,852
Then is there a particular park
90
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,525
that you'd like to sleep in tonight?
91
00:05:06,915 --> 00:05:08,061
Fuck me.
92
00:05:12,908 --> 00:05:14,517
I... I really didn't get a good look.
93
00:05:14,542 --> 00:05:16,413
He ran by so fast that he...
94
00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:17,683
Best thing we can do right now
95
00:05:17,766 --> 00:05:19,100
is make a list of what's missing.
96
00:05:19,183 --> 00:05:20,599
Just the cash.
97
00:05:20,683 --> 00:05:21,995
Grocery money or...
98
00:05:22,654 --> 00:05:24,654
Oh, it was a little less than $10,000.
99
00:05:28,058 --> 00:05:29,933
Yeah, and, no, no...
100
00:05:30,016 --> 00:05:32,266
It was not in an envelope on my nightstand,
101
00:05:32,349 --> 00:05:33,860
marked "my rainy day fund."
102
00:05:33,860 --> 00:05:35,750
No, it was... tucked away.
103
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:36,894
It was...
104
00:05:36,895 --> 00:05:39,196
Maybe he was just lucky or...
105
00:05:40,235 --> 00:05:42,353
Is there anybody else who
knows where you hid your money?
106
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:46,030
Ma'am?
107
00:05:47,177 --> 00:05:48,301
Oh, it's nothing.
108
00:05:49,818 --> 00:05:51,217
I have a daughter.
109
00:05:51,824 --> 00:05:54,264
She's a pain in the ass, not a thief.
110
00:05:54,886 --> 00:05:56,783
Do you know where we can
find her, check it out?
111
00:05:58,387 --> 00:05:59,948
Mm. No.
112
00:06:01,818 --> 00:06:03,074
Mind if we look inside?
113
00:06:03,074 --> 00:06:04,255
Yes, please do.
114
00:06:09,449 --> 00:06:12,158
You know I've been in a
shooting gallery for heroin
115
00:06:12,241 --> 00:06:13,824
but never one for masturbation.
116
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,619
That's funny. You got a plan?
117
00:06:16,533 --> 00:06:17,766
Plan.
118
00:06:18,235 --> 00:06:19,623
Ooh, plan.
119
00:06:19,623 --> 00:06:21,873
I am sleeping on Bill Hobb's couch.
120
00:06:22,491 --> 00:06:24,879
What part of that sentence
makes you think I plan?
121
00:06:25,408 --> 00:06:27,233
Hey, hey. One second, Hobo Nick.
122
00:06:27,542 --> 00:06:28,631
What?
123
00:06:28,690 --> 00:06:30,022
There's rules at this men's shelter.
124
00:06:30,047 --> 00:06:31,297
Can you make it brief? Because that picture
125
00:06:31,380 --> 00:06:32,464
of your mother's giving me blue balls.
126
00:06:32,547 --> 00:06:33,795
Yeah, well...
127
00:06:35,539 --> 00:06:37,172
First off, you can't just sit on the couch.
128
00:06:37,255 --> 00:06:38,973
Okay, you have to be invited.
129
00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:40,192
You know, like I was on Carson.
130
00:06:40,217 --> 00:06:41,380
- Remember that?
- Oh, my God.
131
00:06:41,464 --> 00:06:42,714
- Remember?
- You are just gonna
132
00:06:42,797 --> 00:06:45,422
dine out on that forever, aren't you?
133
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,214
No, no, I'll mix it up.
134
00:06:47,297 --> 00:06:50,437
Occasionally it'll be about
me having a home, a car,
135
00:06:50,818 --> 00:06:52,296
and then I'll throw in the fact
136
00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:53,880
that I'm not an IV drug user like you.
137
00:06:53,963 --> 00:06:55,464
I just want to keep this relationship
138
00:06:55,547 --> 00:06:56,617
nice and fresh, Nick.
139
00:06:57,104 --> 00:06:58,172
Bill.
140
00:06:59,815 --> 00:07:01,344
Why do I make you so insecure?
141
00:07:01,596 --> 00:07:03,396
Maybe I'm overcompensating, Nick.
142
00:07:04,271 --> 00:07:05,928
For the fact that my
cock is bigger than yours.
143
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:08,386
If your mother loved you
just a little bit more,
144
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:09,636
I would be asleep right now.
145
00:07:09,719 --> 00:07:13,376
There's a jizz blanket and
a jizz pillow in that closet,
146
00:07:13,376 --> 00:07:15,127
and breakfast is whenever you wake up.
147
00:07:15,209 --> 00:07:16,994
Just walk down the street and buy it.
148
00:07:17,918 --> 00:07:19,032
Hey, Bill.
149
00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:22,439
Thanks.
150
00:07:24,021 --> 00:07:25,173
It's cool.
151
00:07:26,035 --> 00:07:27,196
Do me a favor.
152
00:07:27,877 --> 00:07:29,479
We're not on the road anymore, Nick.
153
00:08:09,620 --> 00:08:10,953
Morning, ladies.
154
00:08:11,787 --> 00:08:13,484
Jesus, Ron. Close your robe.
155
00:08:13,537 --> 00:08:14,715
Man, put that shit away.
156
00:08:15,857 --> 00:08:18,164
Your dick looks like a
character from Doonesbury.
157
00:08:18,189 --> 00:08:19,481
Getting tired of these
early morning calls, man.
158
00:08:19,506 --> 00:08:20,595
It's really wearing on me.
159
00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:21,638
A, it's noon;
160
00:08:21,638 --> 00:08:23,177
B, I'm not sure it's
the early morning calls
161
00:08:23,177 --> 00:08:25,356
as much as it is the
early morning call girls.
162
00:08:25,381 --> 00:08:27,395
They are not call girls. Okay?
163
00:08:27,856 --> 00:08:29,053
They're extras.
164
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,593
They've still got another
year or two of dashed hopes
165
00:08:31,618 --> 00:08:33,082
before crossing that finish line.
166
00:08:33,107 --> 00:08:34,594
Hey, Ron, I want to take
Gloria to this place,
167
00:08:34,677 --> 00:08:36,184
but I can't get reservations.
168
00:08:36,841 --> 00:08:39,133
Think you can throw around
some Benny weight for me?
169
00:08:39,215 --> 00:08:40,469
Yeah, man, of course.
170
00:08:40,469 --> 00:08:41,923
I'll call and make the reservation.
171
00:08:42,006 --> 00:08:43,506
Uh, what time is the early bird special?
172
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:45,329
Four or five?
173
00:08:45,587 --> 00:08:46,672
Ha ha.
174
00:08:46,697 --> 00:08:48,291
Ha ha ha. Okay, I get it.
175
00:08:48,369 --> 00:08:50,096
Gloria's older. So what?
176
00:08:50,328 --> 00:08:52,869
All right, she's beautiful, she's cool,
177
00:08:53,135 --> 00:08:55,601
and she's twice as smart
as everybody I've ever met.
178
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,827
Sure, she's twice as everything.
179
00:08:57,911 --> 00:08:59,219
She's like two
25-year-olds.
180
00:08:59,219 --> 00:09:01,020
I expected better from you.
181
00:09:01,020 --> 00:09:02,247
Not comedically.
182
00:09:02,247 --> 00:09:03,831
Comedically you're exactly
where I had you slotted.
183
00:09:03,914 --> 00:09:05,456
That's just because I'm
saving up my best material
184
00:09:05,540 --> 00:09:06,832
for Roy's Tonight Show appearance.
185
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:08,248
Getting out the notebook.
186
00:09:08,331 --> 00:09:09,498
Oh, no, no, no. Let the man tell his jokes.
187
00:09:09,793 --> 00:09:10,931
Life is good.
188
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:12,676
I just performed in Africa.
189
00:09:13,009 --> 00:09:14,581
My manager called me
after the show and asked,
190
00:09:14,665 --> 00:09:16,039
"Did you click with the audience?"
191
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,373
I said, "What are you crazy?"
192
00:09:17,456 --> 00:09:19,415
I can't learn a language that fast."
193
00:09:21,330 --> 00:09:22,331
It's Africa.
194
00:09:22,403 --> 00:09:24,535
That language with the noises.
195
00:09:24,535 --> 00:09:25,743
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Clicks and stuff.
196
00:09:25,828 --> 00:09:26,828
Yeah, I know.
197
00:09:28,684 --> 00:09:30,256
Pearls before swine.
198
00:09:34,308 --> 00:09:36,868
Not everybody reads
National Geographic, Eddie.
199
00:09:38,046 --> 00:09:41,670
Sammy says, "My friend told
me cocaine makes him paranoid",
200
00:09:41,753 --> 00:09:44,363
gives him the sniffles,
and he can't stop talking.
201
00:09:44,628 --> 00:09:47,226
"I told him you're not getting
high; you're getting Jewish."
202
00:09:47,452 --> 00:09:49,836
Not so much.
203
00:09:50,586 --> 00:09:52,711
Sammy says, "Last Sunday
I went to a black church",
204
00:09:52,794 --> 00:09:54,128
and I mean really black.
205
00:09:54,211 --> 00:09:56,003
"The communion wafers were menthol."
206
00:09:57,961 --> 00:09:59,419
Is that yours, Ralph?
207
00:09:59,502 --> 00:10:01,358
No, mine was the Jewish joke you shit on.
208
00:10:01,424 --> 00:10:03,549
I didn't shit on it. It wasn't funny.
209
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:06,035
Oh, but the six other black
jokes, those were hilarious.
210
00:10:06,081 --> 00:10:07,711
Hey, you want to be the
one who says what's funny?
211
00:10:07,794 --> 00:10:09,502
You create your own show.
212
00:10:11,224 --> 00:10:12,702
Look, I'm just saying,
213
00:10:13,128 --> 00:10:15,003
last month we had Burt Reynolds on.
214
00:10:15,028 --> 00:10:16,992
All the jokes weren't
about him being white.
215
00:10:17,252 --> 00:10:21,045
Sammy is a great
singer, dancer, entertainer,
216
00:10:21,882 --> 00:10:23,003
ladies' man.
217
00:10:23,107 --> 00:10:25,230
There's more to him than just being black.
218
00:10:25,473 --> 00:10:28,599
Five of these six black jokes are yours.
219
00:10:28,681 --> 00:10:30,264
So save the raised fist.
220
00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,046
We shoot in three days.
221
00:10:35,178 --> 00:10:36,810
- Hi, Cassie.
- Hey.
222
00:10:36,835 --> 00:10:38,169
Is Bob ready?
223
00:10:38,252 --> 00:10:40,345
Oh, I'm sorry. Bob just got pulled
224
00:10:40,345 --> 00:10:41,889
into an emergency meeting.
225
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,563
Can we reschedule?
226
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:44,901
Oh.
227
00:10:44,984 --> 00:10:47,031
This is a rescheduled meeting.
228
00:10:47,290 --> 00:10:49,359
It's... it's actually our
second rescheduled meeting.
229
00:10:49,442 --> 00:10:51,636
Yeah, Bob's gonna call you.
230
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,042
Pilot season.
231
00:10:53,042 --> 00:10:55,024
Things are just a little
crazy here right now.
232
00:10:55,049 --> 00:10:56,166
- Right.
- Yeah.
233
00:10:56,817 --> 00:10:59,979
Well, I-I look forward to
our next glass of water.
234
00:11:00,004 --> 00:11:01,488
Sorry.
235
00:11:01,596 --> 00:11:02,763
- It's okay. It's okay.
- Yeah.
236
00:11:02,846 --> 00:11:04,641
Okay. Bye, guys. Have a great day.
237
00:11:15,536 --> 00:11:17,244
What the... what are you doing?
238
00:11:17,524 --> 00:11:18,604
Sorry.
239
00:11:18,940 --> 00:11:19,952
Goldie?
240
00:11:20,327 --> 00:11:21,490
Who are you?
241
00:11:22,286 --> 00:11:23,411
Dawn Lima?
242
00:11:23,631 --> 00:11:25,207
I just got in town.
243
00:11:26,025 --> 00:11:27,057
Look, sorry, Goldie,
244
00:11:27,057 --> 00:11:28,933
but you got some deaf
motherfuckers working for you.
245
00:11:29,038 --> 00:11:31,040
I was knocking on that door forever.
246
00:11:31,189 --> 00:11:32,732
And they wouldn't let
me into the coffee shop
247
00:11:32,757 --> 00:11:33,966
across the street to use the ladies' room.
248
00:11:34,049 --> 00:11:35,216
All right, okay, I got it.
249
00:11:35,241 --> 00:11:36,694
Yeah, Mickey Sherman called.
250
00:11:36,719 --> 00:11:38,173
He told me not to put you up. Why is that?
251
00:11:38,301 --> 00:11:39,639
He's an asshole?
252
00:11:39,711 --> 00:11:41,711
He told me you had no gratitude.
253
00:11:42,089 --> 00:11:44,169
Which I took to mean you wouldn't fuck him.
254
00:11:45,148 --> 00:11:46,501
Anymore.
255
00:11:47,668 --> 00:11:49,085
Shit. Eat.
256
00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:50,514
Pretty fuckin' simple.
257
00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:52,410
Never is, though.
258
00:11:55,102 --> 00:11:56,557
Where else you go up?
259
00:11:57,228 --> 00:11:58,956
Everywhere in the East Coast.
260
00:11:58,957 --> 00:12:01,165
Um, Playboy clubs.
261
00:12:01,248 --> 00:12:02,385
Chitlin' Circuit.
262
00:12:02,385 --> 00:12:04,593
I sat at the knee of
Lawanda Page for a spell.
263
00:12:04,678 --> 00:12:06,142
Yeah, she called too.
264
00:12:07,410 --> 00:12:09,052
Come back tonight. I'll put you up.
265
00:12:09,647 --> 00:12:11,403
- All right.
- Oh, and for future,
266
00:12:11,427 --> 00:12:12,694
there's a gas station
267
00:12:12,719 --> 00:12:14,287
about a half a block down that way.
268
00:12:14,524 --> 00:12:16,207
- Good to know.
- Uh-huh.
269
00:12:18,183 --> 00:12:19,770
So your regular comic fell out,
270
00:12:19,770 --> 00:12:20,939
and you need a new one.
271
00:12:20,939 --> 00:12:23,039
If I had a nickel for
every time that happened...
272
00:12:23,064 --> 00:12:24,606
Oh, wait a second, I do,
273
00:12:24,690 --> 00:12:25,773
because that's my business.
274
00:12:27,022 --> 00:12:28,862
I'd be happy to get somebody for you.
275
00:12:29,209 --> 00:12:30,439
The fuck you doin'?
276
00:12:30,672 --> 00:12:32,547
I'm trying to make some money, that's what.
277
00:12:32,630 --> 00:12:33,630
Screw.
278
00:12:35,251 --> 00:12:37,339
Anyway, one of my best guys is available.
279
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:38,589
I got Edgar Martinez.
280
00:12:38,674 --> 00:12:40,302
Great comic.
281
00:12:41,249 --> 00:12:42,838
And I got somebody else too.
282
00:12:43,294 --> 00:12:44,878
Another guy, he's okay.
283
00:12:44,962 --> 00:12:46,754
He's the opener. Arnie Brown.
284
00:12:46,837 --> 00:12:48,136
You good with queers?
285
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,996
I'm joking. Okay.
286
00:12:51,186 --> 00:12:53,330
Well, I might be able to get both guys.
287
00:12:53,736 --> 00:12:54,879
For...
288
00:12:54,962 --> 00:12:56,300
A hundred bucks.
289
00:12:57,316 --> 00:12:58,400
Each.
290
00:12:59,735 --> 00:13:00,828
Okay.
291
00:13:01,317 --> 00:13:03,464
Will do. They'll see you tonight.
292
00:13:04,907 --> 00:13:07,217
The Lookout. 9:00 p.m.
293
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,217
San Diego. Tonight.
294
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:11,884
Hundred bucks. You're fuckin' welcome.
295
00:13:11,967 --> 00:13:13,717
Fuckin' A, man!
296
00:13:14,096 --> 00:13:16,174
I got my eye on some pony
colored suede seat covers
297
00:13:16,258 --> 00:13:18,537
for my 'stang for months now.
298
00:13:19,301 --> 00:13:21,941
- Why do you do that?
- Why do I do what?
299
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:25,646
I mean, just once I'd
like to have a conversation
300
00:13:25,647 --> 00:13:27,065
where it didn't end with me
301
00:13:27,065 --> 00:13:28,677
feeling overwhelming pity for you.
302
00:13:29,453 --> 00:13:31,562
Hey, shit stain, what about Goldie?
303
00:13:31,968 --> 00:13:34,132
She finds out we booked
ourselves somewhere else,
304
00:13:34,132 --> 00:13:35,508
from her club no less?
305
00:13:35,591 --> 00:13:37,925
Okay, that's the beauty of this operation.
306
00:13:38,582 --> 00:13:40,050
We didn't book us.
307
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:41,547
Mort did.
308
00:13:42,418 --> 00:13:43,359
Right?
309
00:13:43,384 --> 00:13:44,752
I don't know.
310
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:47,381
What are you looking around for?
311
00:13:47,406 --> 00:13:49,781
She's not fucking invisible. All right?
312
00:13:49,889 --> 00:13:52,316
After the gig, Mort's dead.
313
00:13:53,135 --> 00:13:55,590
We get the 100 bucks, we call it a day.
314
00:13:56,261 --> 00:13:57,287
Yeah.
315
00:13:57,287 --> 00:13:58,931
Harold Baker has the flu.
316
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:00,634
Now can you think of anyone that can play
317
00:14:00,659 --> 00:14:02,180
Santa at the church fair?
318
00:14:13,597 --> 00:14:15,102
It's Benny time.
319
00:14:15,211 --> 00:14:16,503
Wait, wait.
320
00:14:17,260 --> 00:14:18,426
Wait, Ron.
321
00:14:18,451 --> 00:14:19,999
You're late on the cue again.
322
00:14:20,701 --> 00:14:22,131
Shit. Sorry.
323
00:14:22,131 --> 00:14:23,701
Are you okay? You look wiped.
324
00:14:23,726 --> 00:14:25,208
A little tired.
325
00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:26,804
Yeah, why don't you grab a cup of coffee
326
00:14:26,805 --> 00:14:27,930
and we'll go again.
327
00:14:28,011 --> 00:14:29,838
Okay, hey, let's take ten, everyone.
328
00:14:29,863 --> 00:14:31,563
- Actors back in ten.
- Sorry.
329
00:14:31,563 --> 00:14:33,604
That's right, take ten.
330
00:14:34,020 --> 00:14:35,063
Late night, buddy?
331
00:14:35,146 --> 00:14:36,896
Ooh, yeah, yeah.
332
00:14:36,980 --> 00:14:38,813
MC'd at Goldie's, and then Canter's,
333
00:14:38,896 --> 00:14:40,931
then a couple strip clubs and then
334
00:14:40,931 --> 00:14:42,061
I ended up at a cock fight.
335
00:14:42,086 --> 00:14:43,122
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
336
00:14:43,147 --> 00:14:44,973
Man. Wow.
337
00:14:45,057 --> 00:14:46,764
Hey, y-you see this?
338
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:48,682
- Mm.
- All this?
339
00:14:49,510 --> 00:14:50,989
All this has family.
340
00:14:50,989 --> 00:14:52,094
Say that with me.
341
00:14:52,119 --> 00:14:53,690
- Family.
- No, man, don't say it.
342
00:14:53,715 --> 00:14:55,262
I'm being condescending to make a point.
343
00:14:55,411 --> 00:14:56,806
- Oh, sorry.
- All right?
344
00:14:57,723 --> 00:15:00,141
This show, our show,
345
00:15:00,473 --> 00:15:02,095
feeds those families, you dig?
346
00:15:02,459 --> 00:15:03,505
Yeah.
347
00:15:03,941 --> 00:15:04,989
Good.
348
00:15:05,615 --> 00:15:06,941
Now learn your motherfuckin' lines
349
00:15:07,024 --> 00:15:09,149
for the network run-through
so we can all keep eating.
350
00:15:09,731 --> 00:15:10,765
You got it?
351
00:15:13,508 --> 00:15:15,137
That was brutal.
352
00:15:15,397 --> 00:15:18,568
Rene's pep talks. Not the call
to arms he thinks they are.
353
00:15:19,106 --> 00:15:20,333
I hear you.
354
00:15:20,981 --> 00:15:23,064
Well, let me know if you want my help.
355
00:15:23,992 --> 00:15:25,632
How would you help?
356
00:15:26,147 --> 00:15:29,229
I got something you might find
a little peppier than coffee.
357
00:15:31,778 --> 00:15:33,188
Because there was a minor present,
358
00:15:33,272 --> 00:15:34,852
it's actually a felony.
359
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,797
With a felony, you could
be looking at jail time.
360
00:15:38,483 --> 00:15:41,338
But after talking with the
arresting officer and a judge,
361
00:15:42,154 --> 00:15:43,196
I think I worked something out.
362
00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:44,399
Oh, goody.
363
00:15:44,688 --> 00:15:47,433
How about you shutting up and listening?
364
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:48,964
They want an apology.
365
00:15:48,964 --> 00:15:50,488
You pay a $500 fine.
366
00:15:50,488 --> 00:15:52,388
Do that, everything's honkey dory.
367
00:15:52,655 --> 00:15:54,349
Here's my apology.
368
00:15:55,363 --> 00:15:57,697
They can go fuck themselves.
369
00:15:58,101 --> 00:16:01,183
That guy almost broke his kid's arm.
370
00:16:01,606 --> 00:16:02,690
I called him out.
371
00:16:03,003 --> 00:16:04,168
I'm the good guy.
372
00:16:04,168 --> 00:16:05,959
Wh-you think that's what this is about?
373
00:16:06,044 --> 00:16:07,336
You being a good guy?
374
00:16:07,630 --> 00:16:08,879
Look, I'm from there. You're not a hero.
375
00:16:08,963 --> 00:16:11,067
You're just a condescending
prick from Hollywood
376
00:16:11,092 --> 00:16:13,547
telling them why they're not good enough.
377
00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:16,849
If you're looking at me
378
00:16:16,933 --> 00:16:18,223
because you think I'm on your side,
379
00:16:18,493 --> 00:16:19,702
look away.
380
00:16:20,398 --> 00:16:22,431
It's the best I can do.
Take it or leave it.
381
00:16:24,844 --> 00:16:26,893
Let me know what Lenny Bruce decides.
382
00:16:27,409 --> 00:16:28,575
We'll do that, Dick.
383
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,934
Thank you so much for coming by,
384
00:16:30,934 --> 00:16:32,392
your hard work and everything.
385
00:16:32,475 --> 00:16:33,766
Thank you.
386
00:16:33,850 --> 00:16:34,808
Good seeing you.
387
00:16:34,891 --> 00:16:36,302
Mm, best to the family, huh?
388
00:16:40,084 --> 00:16:41,789
Ball's in your court, Nick.
389
00:16:41,814 --> 00:16:43,355
I am not a crusader.
390
00:16:43,380 --> 00:16:44,813
That's not what this is.
391
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,445
You got your favor. Do
what you will with it.
392
00:16:53,926 --> 00:16:55,653
Well, Harold Barker
393
00:16:55,967 --> 00:16:57,123
has the flu.
394
00:16:57,347 --> 00:16:58,675
Then who's gonna play
Santa for the children?
395
00:16:59,842 --> 00:17:02,009
It's B... Benny time!
396
00:17:03,630 --> 00:17:05,071
Hey, Benny,
what are you doing Christmas Eve?
397
00:17:05,071 --> 00:17:06,363
- Because we have a situation...
- Oh, what I do every year.
398
00:17:06,444 --> 00:17:07,694
A few of us bachelor mailmen get together,
399
00:17:07,778 --> 00:17:08,986
you know, drink a little schnapps,
400
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,278
read children's letters to Santa
from the dead letter department,
401
00:17:11,362 --> 00:17:13,028
and then just take turns shaking hands
402
00:17:13,112 --> 00:17:14,454
- underneath the mistletoe.
- Hold up. Hold up.
403
00:17:14,479 --> 00:17:15,572
Hold up.
404
00:17:15,654 --> 00:17:17,657
Ron. A second?
405
00:17:17,682 --> 00:17:18,931
Ernie, what's going on?
406
00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:20,951
They're... they're... Look at 'em
laughing. That's a fantastic take.
407
00:17:20,951 --> 00:17:22,205
- No, no, it's great, Ron.
- And it's killing.
408
00:17:22,206 --> 00:17:23,408
It's great. We just need you
to take it down a little bit.
409
00:17:23,492 --> 00:17:25,242
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
How little?
410
00:17:25,325 --> 00:17:26,402
Not much. Just, like, a hundred percent.
411
00:17:26,427 --> 00:17:27,552
Okay, you got it.
412
00:17:27,577 --> 00:17:28,821
All right, everybody, from the top!
413
00:17:31,523 --> 00:17:33,356
When Johnny asks,
"What's it like to be back
414
00:17:33,381 --> 00:17:34,523
in L.A., Roy?"
415
00:17:34,607 --> 00:17:35,892
I was thinking you could say...
416
00:17:36,690 --> 00:17:38,029
All right.
417
00:17:38,356 --> 00:17:39,482
Let's see.
418
00:17:39,913 --> 00:17:41,160
"I wouldn't know.
419
00:17:41,185 --> 00:17:43,488
You booked me a hotel out in Torrance."
420
00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:45,454
Cute. "I'm not sure yet.
421
00:17:45,538 --> 00:17:47,038
Ask me again when the pills kick in."
422
00:17:47,063 --> 00:17:48,097
Funny.
423
00:17:48,886 --> 00:17:49,926
"Terrible."
424
00:17:49,951 --> 00:17:52,354
I got invited to the Play-girl Mansion.
425
00:17:53,090 --> 00:17:55,693
"I like my bunnies without the carrots."
426
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,783
Should be "without carrots."
427
00:17:57,808 --> 00:18:00,283
It's funny, but that'll
get Carson's panties
428
00:18:00,308 --> 00:18:01,333
all in a bunch.
429
00:18:01,358 --> 00:18:02,942
So let's go with A and B.
430
00:18:03,341 --> 00:18:04,425
Okay.
431
00:18:04,507 --> 00:18:05,876
Torrance and pills it is.
432
00:18:06,337 --> 00:18:08,754
So? How you feel? You excited?
433
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,920
Oh, Christ, kid, I've
seen this picture before.
434
00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:13,296
Yeah, but it's Carson. I mean...
435
00:18:13,569 --> 00:18:15,045
Still means something.
436
00:18:15,559 --> 00:18:16,636
I'd be pissing myself.
437
00:18:16,661 --> 00:18:18,953
What, you want me to
tell you a bedtime story?
438
00:18:19,036 --> 00:18:20,227
No. I'm just...
439
00:18:20,889 --> 00:18:22,637
Just wondering what it feels like.
440
00:18:23,334 --> 00:18:24,762
It feels like...
441
00:18:31,108 --> 00:18:32,826
Wow.
442
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,691
Sort of like that.
443
00:18:36,517 --> 00:18:38,180
What the hell did you do that for?
444
00:18:38,223 --> 00:18:40,429
Will you lighten up? Huh?
445
00:18:40,468 --> 00:18:41,972
You're gonna have a fuckin' heart attack
446
00:18:42,055 --> 00:18:43,638
before you lose your virginity.
447
00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:48,457
Look, you want me to be honest?
448
00:18:48,766 --> 00:18:51,652
I don't remember what
anything feels like anymore.
449
00:18:53,394 --> 00:18:55,957
Shit blurs. You know?
450
00:18:56,024 --> 00:18:58,472
Yeah, but, I mean, not seminal shit, right?
451
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:01,412
Shit blurs.
452
00:19:01,495 --> 00:19:02,656
All of it.
453
00:19:02,745 --> 00:19:04,161
Seminal? What?
454
00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:06,776
My mother died ten years ago.
455
00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:08,241
Cancer.
456
00:19:09,144 --> 00:19:11,987
I took the red-eye out the
night before her funeral,
457
00:19:12,144 --> 00:19:13,372
I buried her,
458
00:19:14,084 --> 00:19:17,892
and I did two shows that
night at the Flamingo,
459
00:19:17,917 --> 00:19:20,451
and I don't remember shit.
460
00:19:22,139 --> 00:19:24,347
You mean that's the kind of fucking seminal
461
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:25,715
you're talking about?
462
00:19:27,014 --> 00:19:28,503
Oh, God.
463
00:19:28,806 --> 00:19:31,222
Oh, Eddie, what am I gonna do with you?
464
00:19:31,305 --> 00:19:32,994
You're too fuckin' eager.
465
00:19:34,447 --> 00:19:36,969
They're gonna be able to
see your asshole from space
466
00:19:37,051 --> 00:19:38,629
before they're done with you.
467
00:19:39,873 --> 00:19:42,540
Compromises are coming your way, boychick.
468
00:19:42,761 --> 00:19:44,833
If you hate it so much, why
don't you just fucking quit?
469
00:19:49,696 --> 00:19:51,310
Let's get the fuck outta here.
470
00:20:22,665 --> 00:20:23,706
Sit.
471
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:30,964
I know you can keep a secret.
472
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,701
Yeah, you know I know how
to keep my mouth closed.
473
00:20:33,926 --> 00:20:35,899
I have not told the others yet.
474
00:20:37,257 --> 00:20:40,029
Roy Martin and I are
opening another Goldie's.
475
00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:41,611
In Santa Monica.
476
00:20:41,611 --> 00:20:42,998
Congratulations.
477
00:20:43,225 --> 00:20:45,286
I'm telling you because
Roy's gonna headline
478
00:20:45,311 --> 00:20:46,590
for the first month or so,
479
00:20:46,615 --> 00:20:48,144
get the place up and running,
480
00:20:48,228 --> 00:20:49,857
and I want you to open for him.
481
00:20:50,428 --> 00:20:52,574
Then when Roy hits the road,
482
00:20:52,575 --> 00:20:55,324
I will find someone to open for you.
483
00:20:56,191 --> 00:20:58,150
Once you are headlining,
484
00:20:58,232 --> 00:20:59,524
we'll cut you in.
485
00:20:59,608 --> 00:21:01,025
- Half the door.
- What?
486
00:21:01,108 --> 00:21:02,683
That...
487
00:21:02,683 --> 00:21:04,683
Goldie, that's... And you've already done
488
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:06,316
so much for me.
489
00:21:06,341 --> 00:21:08,058
- Thank you.
- Pleasure.
490
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:09,536
That's good.
491
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,802
Ah, that's the good stuff.
492
00:21:16,873 --> 00:21:19,266
Hey, uh, can I ask you something?
493
00:21:19,572 --> 00:21:20,580
Always.
494
00:21:21,264 --> 00:21:22,433
Okay.
495
00:21:22,516 --> 00:21:26,099
So if a guy wanted to
take you out on a date,
496
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:27,973
where would you want to go?
497
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:33,016
Is this a bit?
498
00:21:34,568 --> 00:21:35,642
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
499
00:21:35,725 --> 00:21:37,130
It's a... a bit.
500
00:21:37,155 --> 00:21:39,184
Just something I'm working on.
501
00:21:39,184 --> 00:21:40,238
Mm.
502
00:21:43,558 --> 00:21:44,757
Chasen's.
503
00:21:45,061 --> 00:21:46,422
- Chasen's.
- Hmm.
504
00:21:47,338 --> 00:21:48,615
That's, uh...
505
00:21:48,806 --> 00:21:51,058
That's the spot where movie stars go.
506
00:21:51,726 --> 00:21:54,455
I want to impress this girl, but...
507
00:21:54,865 --> 00:21:56,851
It's on me. Hmm?
508
00:21:56,935 --> 00:21:58,562
Give me a time. I'll set it up.
509
00:21:59,471 --> 00:22:01,143
What... really? No, no, no.
510
00:22:01,168 --> 00:22:02,496
Goldie, I can't ask you to do that.
511
00:22:02,521 --> 00:22:03,810
- That's...
- I know you can't.
512
00:22:03,893 --> 00:22:05,499
Why the fuck you think I'm doing it?
513
00:22:06,959 --> 00:22:09,000
- Right on! Yeah!
- Ha ha!
514
00:22:09,085 --> 00:22:10,167
Thank you.
515
00:22:12,942 --> 00:22:14,668
Oh, look, he just ordered another
516
00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:16,835
nonconsensual sex on the beach.
517
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,072
Jesus,
518
00:22:19,184 --> 00:22:21,273
I know without you, I can do nothing.
519
00:22:22,108 --> 00:22:23,452
But with your strength,
520
00:22:23,577 --> 00:22:24,872
I can do it all.
521
00:22:25,616 --> 00:22:26,625
Amen.
522
00:22:26,651 --> 00:22:27,912
If there's such a thing
as fresh from Philly,
523
00:22:27,937 --> 00:22:30,395
but give it up for Ms. Dawn Lima!
524
00:22:54,778 --> 00:22:56,336
I fucked a bum today.
525
00:23:01,353 --> 00:23:03,167
Anybody out here ever fuck a bum?
526
00:23:04,973 --> 00:23:06,932
It ain't nothing to be ashamed of.
527
00:23:07,390 --> 00:23:08,856
I like bums.
528
00:23:09,914 --> 00:23:11,199
They grateful.
529
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,499
A fuck and a sandwich for a bum,
530
00:23:14,499 --> 00:23:16,833
that's like Bum Disneyland.
531
00:23:18,251 --> 00:23:19,681
I'm serious.
532
00:23:19,681 --> 00:23:21,306
If you fuck a bum and
then give him a sandwich,
533
00:23:21,389 --> 00:23:23,179
you set for life.
534
00:23:23,959 --> 00:23:25,662
That bum will take a motherfucking bullet
535
00:23:25,687 --> 00:23:26,889
for your ass.
536
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:29,972
Pussy and a sandwich is
like what a bum pictures
537
00:23:30,055 --> 00:23:31,551
heaven to be like.
538
00:23:32,792 --> 00:23:33,963
Talking about...
539
00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:37,491
Oh, man.
540
00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:40,042
Mmm, mmm.
541
00:23:41,099 --> 00:23:43,349
Oh, man!
542
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:45,218
Who the fuck is that?
543
00:23:45,875 --> 00:23:47,928
Just got in from Philly.
544
00:23:47,928 --> 00:23:49,199
Dawn something.
545
00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:51,260
Oh, man!
546
00:23:51,344 --> 00:23:53,010
Fucking and a sandwich!
547
00:23:53,211 --> 00:23:55,687
I should've drank myself to death
548
00:23:55,687 --> 00:23:57,296
years ago.
549
00:23:57,678 --> 00:24:00,177
Oh!
550
00:24:02,419 --> 00:24:04,045
Now, blowing a bum,
551
00:24:04,678 --> 00:24:06,250
now that's just wrong.
552
00:24:06,352 --> 00:24:08,630
Even a bum will tell you that's fucked up.
553
00:24:09,966 --> 00:24:12,761
But if you do fuck a bum,
554
00:24:12,976 --> 00:24:14,250
give him a sandwich,
555
00:24:14,404 --> 00:24:15,648
and then blow him?
556
00:24:15,932 --> 00:24:17,023
Shit.
557
00:24:17,330 --> 00:24:19,366
That bum don't even
believe in Jesus no more.
558
00:24:20,363 --> 00:24:21,598
It's just you.
559
00:24:22,442 --> 00:24:24,488
Jesus could walk up to try to talk to you
560
00:24:24,513 --> 00:24:25,577
and the bum will be like...
561
00:24:28,224 --> 00:24:30,558
And take off that crown of thorns.
562
00:24:30,583 --> 00:24:32,927
You in the presence of a lady.
563
00:24:43,688 --> 00:24:45,113
Hey, man, that girl burned that place
564
00:24:45,197 --> 00:24:47,031
to the fuckin' ground tonight.
565
00:24:47,056 --> 00:24:49,450
Yeah. I mean, where do
you go from bum fucking?
566
00:24:49,654 --> 00:24:50,946
Eddie, apparently.
567
00:24:52,197 --> 00:24:53,858
I thought she was so great.
568
00:24:53,935 --> 00:24:55,894
Well, needless to say, you're funny too.
569
00:24:56,978 --> 00:24:58,685
I know.
570
00:24:58,779 --> 00:25:00,685
Did anyone say I wasn't?
571
00:25:00,967 --> 00:25:02,124
Oh, boy.
572
00:25:02,381 --> 00:25:03,964
No, that's the point.
Nobody would say that.
573
00:25:04,047 --> 00:25:05,464
So then why'd you think you had to say it?
574
00:25:05,548 --> 00:25:07,339
I didn't think I had to say it,
575
00:25:07,364 --> 00:25:08,964
and I did say "needless to say."
576
00:25:09,047 --> 00:25:10,673
Yeah, but you said it.
577
00:25:11,034 --> 00:25:13,502
Just roll over.
Let her feast on your entrails, Eddie.
578
00:25:13,502 --> 00:25:15,720
It's like watching a
guillotine in slow motion.
579
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,712
Yeah. Thank you.
580
00:25:17,751 --> 00:25:20,168
Oh, my God! Hey!
581
00:25:20,252 --> 00:25:22,085
Oh, wow, you're cutting your own hair now.
582
00:25:23,209 --> 00:25:24,438
Jesus Christ!
583
00:25:24,626 --> 00:25:26,087
That shit tonight,
584
00:25:26,425 --> 00:25:27,979
shit was crazy, girl.
585
00:25:27,979 --> 00:25:29,508
That was the game plan.
586
00:25:29,508 --> 00:25:31,063
Did you really fuck a bum?
587
00:25:31,536 --> 00:25:33,396
I don't know, do you really deliver mail?
588
00:25:33,479 --> 00:25:34,479
Give it six months.
589
00:25:34,562 --> 00:25:35,812
He does!
590
00:25:35,896 --> 00:25:37,604
How do you guys know each other?
591
00:25:37,687 --> 00:25:40,302
We worked together at the Playboy Club.
592
00:25:40,427 --> 00:25:41,482
Chicago.
593
00:25:41,482 --> 00:25:43,520
We worked, played,
594
00:25:43,604 --> 00:25:45,341
did a little of everything in Chicago.
595
00:25:45,341 --> 00:25:46,786
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, good for you.
596
00:25:46,811 --> 00:25:48,020
You really did fuck a bum.
597
00:25:49,410 --> 00:25:50,587
What brings you out...
598
00:25:50,587 --> 00:25:51,721
You know, I, uh,
599
00:25:52,290 --> 00:25:53,882
I almost slept with a black woman.
600
00:25:53,965 --> 00:25:55,548
What happened? She couldn't break a twenty?
601
00:25:56,632 --> 00:25:58,756
No, she... She had her chance.
602
00:25:58,868 --> 00:25:59,999
That's good.
603
00:26:14,196 --> 00:26:15,864
Hey! Dawn!
604
00:26:17,511 --> 00:26:19,407
You know this a dangerous
neighborhood, right?
605
00:26:19,407 --> 00:26:21,383
I know. I live here.
606
00:26:21,493 --> 00:26:22,719
Yeah, near me.
607
00:26:22,952 --> 00:26:24,445
Come on. I'ma give you a ride.
608
00:26:24,470 --> 00:26:25,515
All right.
609
00:26:27,219 --> 00:26:28,678
God damn, Cleopatra.
610
00:26:29,317 --> 00:26:31,202
Go beat somebody's ass with that pipe.
611
00:26:33,077 --> 00:26:34,618
Really shook the place up tonight.
612
00:26:35,495 --> 00:26:36,612
I've been hearing.
613
00:26:36,612 --> 00:26:37,994
Ain't no Carson in there,
614
00:26:38,077 --> 00:26:39,351
but funny as hell.
615
00:26:39,351 --> 00:26:40,977
Ain't no Carson anyway.
616
00:26:41,159 --> 00:26:43,368
A black woman whose name's not Mabley?
617
00:26:43,451 --> 00:26:45,409
I ain't exactly holding my breath.
618
00:26:46,835 --> 00:26:47,953
What brings you to L.A.?
619
00:26:48,633 --> 00:26:50,432
There's a comedy gold rush on.
620
00:26:50,433 --> 00:26:51,600
Haven't you heard?
621
00:26:51,684 --> 00:26:52,733
Yeah.
622
00:26:53,017 --> 00:26:54,057
Family?
623
00:26:54,996 --> 00:26:56,101
Here and there.
624
00:26:56,184 --> 00:26:57,228
You?
625
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,311
L.A. and thereabout.
626
00:26:59,776 --> 00:27:01,546
Used to live around here.
627
00:27:02,223 --> 00:27:03,379
This neighborhood?
628
00:27:03,379 --> 00:27:05,087
Used to be all white, believe it or not.
629
00:27:05,171 --> 00:27:07,021
My parents were original blockbusters.
630
00:27:08,212 --> 00:27:09,594
Real estate speculators.
631
00:27:09,619 --> 00:27:12,037
You know, they'd buy
a home in a white area,
632
00:27:12,062 --> 00:27:13,416
sell it to a black family,
633
00:27:13,714 --> 00:27:15,867
then buy up the remaining
homes from the whites
634
00:27:15,892 --> 00:27:18,386
trying to get the fuck out of
there before the niggas came.
635
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,131
Pay jack shit,
636
00:27:20,131 --> 00:27:22,297
then sell it to a black
family for a huge markup.
637
00:27:22,380 --> 00:27:24,657
Mm. Now, that sounds about right.
638
00:27:24,657 --> 00:27:26,725
There ain't a fair
fight to be had anywhere.
639
00:27:47,662 --> 00:27:48,776
Hello?
640
00:27:48,801 --> 00:27:50,390
Burning the midnight oil?
641
00:27:52,305 --> 00:27:53,551
It's, like, 3:00 in the morning;
642
00:27:53,634 --> 00:27:54,841
how'd you know I was here?
643
00:27:54,841 --> 00:27:56,083
I tried the house.
644
00:27:56,513 --> 00:27:58,134
Where the hell else would you be?
645
00:27:58,729 --> 00:27:59,922
Out dancing?
646
00:28:01,130 --> 00:28:02,622
Hey, little fun fact.
647
00:28:03,229 --> 00:28:05,570
Got a visit from the LAPD today.
648
00:28:06,010 --> 00:28:07,597
They were looking for Amanda.
649
00:28:08,086 --> 00:28:09,188
And?
650
00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:11,355
They were following up a lead, Gold.
651
00:28:13,445 --> 00:28:14,728
From her mother.
652
00:28:15,279 --> 00:28:17,023
Is that supposed to sting, Sid?
653
00:28:17,752 --> 00:28:19,106
Your own daughter, Gold?
654
00:28:19,805 --> 00:28:21,086
Is that who you think she is?
655
00:28:21,086 --> 00:28:22,295
That she'd rob you?
656
00:28:22,295 --> 00:28:23,668
That you'd go there?
657
00:28:23,921 --> 00:28:25,046
You're pathetic.
658
00:28:25,082 --> 00:28:26,703
Not like I'm pathetic. Like...
659
00:28:28,188 --> 00:28:29,749
Like McTeague's wife.
660
00:28:31,045 --> 00:28:33,254
Spreading gold coins on her
bed, rolling around in 'em,
661
00:28:33,337 --> 00:28:35,268
while your daughter lives on the street.
662
00:28:35,482 --> 00:28:37,182
She left, Gold.
663
00:28:38,135 --> 00:28:39,720
That's why you called the police, isn't it?
664
00:28:39,745 --> 00:28:41,712
That's why you sent 'em looking for her.
665
00:28:41,796 --> 00:28:44,462
Because she left you.
666
00:28:44,546 --> 00:28:45,766
She left you.
667
00:28:46,170 --> 00:28:48,049
Someday we'll all be in jail.
668
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:52,737
Till then, I wouldn't
be waiting by the mailbox
669
00:28:52,737 --> 00:28:53,917
Mother's Day.
670
00:28:54,403 --> 00:28:55,570
If I were you.
671
00:28:55,595 --> 00:28:56,807
You're drunk, Sid.
672
00:28:56,807 --> 00:28:58,386
So you know it's all true.
673
00:29:00,077 --> 00:29:01,559
Pleasant dreams, sweetheart.
674
00:29:02,083 --> 00:29:03,295
Pleasant dreams.
675
00:29:28,671 --> 00:29:30,208
How'd you find me?
676
00:29:30,291 --> 00:29:31,958
Tell yourself otherwise, but...
677
00:29:32,980 --> 00:29:35,545
I suspect it's because
you wanted to be found.
678
00:29:36,372 --> 00:29:37,538
What do you want, Daddy?
679
00:29:39,401 --> 00:29:40,894
Just see you is all.
680
00:29:41,471 --> 00:29:43,208
You are still my daughter.
681
00:29:44,327 --> 00:29:46,929
I thought you said good-bye
to her two years ago.
682
00:29:48,125 --> 00:29:51,291
You see, we serve the flesh and blood
683
00:29:51,374 --> 00:29:52,801
at the peril of the soul.
684
00:29:53,515 --> 00:29:55,209
You don't think I've been where you are?
685
00:29:56,000 --> 00:29:57,798
That I don't know torment?
686
00:29:57,798 --> 00:29:59,401
You are my torment.
687
00:30:00,004 --> 00:30:01,879
I have as much soul as anybody.
688
00:30:01,962 --> 00:30:03,203
More, even.
689
00:30:04,569 --> 00:30:05,801
Go home, Daddy.
690
00:30:08,033 --> 00:30:09,616
I don't want your money.
691
00:30:12,990 --> 00:30:14,574
That's for the flesh and blood.
692
00:30:20,264 --> 00:30:21,925
Yes, hi. I was calling to see
693
00:30:22,007 --> 00:30:24,161
if there were any
messages for Cassie Feder?
694
00:30:24,925 --> 00:30:26,174
Good afternoon, Ms. Feder.
695
00:30:26,257 --> 00:30:27,414
Yes, you have three messages.
696
00:30:27,439 --> 00:30:28,498
Great.
697
00:30:28,523 --> 00:30:30,495
Joseph Teagarden from Hollywood Talent
698
00:30:30,495 --> 00:30:32,746
called to reschedule
your meeting on Friday.
699
00:30:32,828 --> 00:30:34,920
He has a client emergency
he needs to handle.
700
00:30:34,945 --> 00:30:36,411
Got it. Thanks.
701
00:30:36,494 --> 00:30:38,870
Wally Kent from William
Morris is going out of town
702
00:30:38,953 --> 00:30:41,043
on a family emergency and
will call to reschedule.
703
00:30:41,168 --> 00:30:42,178
Okay.
704
00:30:42,203 --> 00:30:43,536
And David Barron cancelled.
705
00:30:43,620 --> 00:30:45,660
An unspecified emergency came up.
706
00:30:45,707 --> 00:30:48,999
Well, we've really run the
gamut on agent emergencies.
707
00:30:49,248 --> 00:30:50,944
Who knew they were so prone to crisis?
708
00:30:50,945 --> 00:30:52,820
Maybe I should just call
911 to get a hold of 'em.
709
00:30:56,359 --> 00:30:57,401
Hello?
710
00:30:57,484 --> 00:30:58,890
I'm still here, dear.
711
00:30:58,932 --> 00:31:00,812
Oh, okay, 'cause I just didn't...
712
00:31:00,837 --> 00:31:01,793
Yep.
713
00:31:01,818 --> 00:31:03,084
I didn't hear you s...
714
00:31:03,387 --> 00:31:05,432
Okay. Thank you. Bye.
715
00:31:09,954 --> 00:31:11,039
Anything?
716
00:31:12,216 --> 00:31:15,116
Apparently everyone's in
varying states of emergency.
717
00:31:15,442 --> 00:31:16,526
Oh, shit.
718
00:31:17,559 --> 00:31:18,650
Sorry.
719
00:31:19,433 --> 00:31:20,591
It's okay.
720
00:31:20,591 --> 00:31:21,901
It's just rescheduling.
721
00:31:21,926 --> 00:31:23,287
It's not the end of the world.
722
00:31:25,447 --> 00:31:27,489
Your stuff is gonna kill tonight.
723
00:31:27,637 --> 00:31:30,330
Yeah, you'd think it was me going up there.
724
00:31:30,330 --> 00:31:31,711
Well, they're your jokes.
725
00:31:31,736 --> 00:31:32,884
Some of them.
726
00:31:33,944 --> 00:31:35,102
Most of them.
727
00:31:37,801 --> 00:31:40,003
Ah, fuck, my stomach is sweating.
728
00:31:49,256 --> 00:31:51,696
What if this is as close
as I ever get to Carson?
729
00:31:54,383 --> 00:31:55,556
Eddie.
730
00:31:56,765 --> 00:31:58,616
All my eggs are in this basket.
731
00:31:59,854 --> 00:32:01,362
I'm 29 years old.
732
00:32:01,586 --> 00:32:05,152
Wait tables and tell jokes at
a Polish deli in the Valley.
733
00:32:08,185 --> 00:32:09,936
You know I was gonna be a history teacher?
734
00:32:18,011 --> 00:32:19,542
It's gonna be okay.
735
00:32:22,502 --> 00:32:24,502
So? What do you think?
736
00:32:25,279 --> 00:32:26,477
Oh, wow.
737
00:32:26,737 --> 00:32:29,195
Are you planning to eat
off the top of her head?
738
00:32:29,220 --> 00:32:31,376
What? Platforms are the style.
739
00:32:31,376 --> 00:32:32,420
What are you talking about?
740
00:32:32,906 --> 00:32:34,540
Oh, can I borrow your car, man?
741
00:32:34,540 --> 00:32:36,415
Yeah, yeah, sure. Keys are
out there. Do you want a bump?
742
00:32:36,499 --> 00:32:38,540
I hear some of these
bingo games go pretty late,
743
00:32:38,624 --> 00:32:39,959
like, 10:00, 10:15.
744
00:32:40,249 --> 00:32:42,730
Look, the woman swims a hundred laps a day.
745
00:32:43,429 --> 00:32:44,693
You almost pulled a muscle
746
00:32:44,693 --> 00:32:46,118
trying to get the cereal this morning,
747
00:32:46,231 --> 00:32:47,412
so shut the fuck up.
748
00:32:47,888 --> 00:32:49,101
I hadn't stretched.
749
00:32:51,824 --> 00:32:53,074
I got you.
750
00:32:54,872 --> 00:32:55,912
Hello.
751
00:32:56,922 --> 00:32:57,988
Hey, Gloria.
752
00:33:00,591 --> 00:33:01,611
Oh.
753
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:03,307
Oh... okay.
754
00:33:03,883 --> 00:33:05,728
Y-yeah. Yeah. Work is work.
755
00:33:07,632 --> 00:33:10,081
Ah, yeah, for sure. Another time.
756
00:33:11,674 --> 00:33:12,830
All right. Bye.
757
00:33:14,807 --> 00:33:15,985
Oh, no.
758
00:33:16,296 --> 00:33:18,380
What happened? Let me guess.
759
00:33:18,799 --> 00:33:21,062
That glass of warm milk's
really kicking her ass, huh?
760
00:33:21,549 --> 00:33:23,050
Fuck you. All right?
761
00:33:24,507 --> 00:33:25,841
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
762
00:33:25,924 --> 00:33:27,716
Hey. Eddie's coming over.
763
00:33:27,799 --> 00:33:29,674
We're gonna watch his de
facto Tonight Show appearance.
764
00:33:29,758 --> 00:33:31,924
Why don't you take a knee, pull up a line?
765
00:33:31,949 --> 00:33:33,588
We'll make a night of
it. I can call some girls.
766
00:33:33,737 --> 00:33:35,893
Nah. I ain't in the mood.
767
00:33:36,648 --> 00:33:38,818
I'll just try to go to Goldie's and go up.
768
00:33:39,427 --> 00:33:40,636
Clear my head.
769
00:33:40,813 --> 00:33:41,952
Thank you, though.
770
00:33:41,952 --> 00:33:43,372
- All right, man.
- I'll catch you, though.
771
00:33:43,397 --> 00:33:44,958
I'll be here.
772
00:33:47,661 --> 00:33:49,744
Fuck, those shoes are awesome.
773
00:33:49,828 --> 00:33:51,480
Thank you.
774
00:33:52,740 --> 00:33:54,036
Great chair, Johnny.
775
00:33:54,119 --> 00:33:55,661
Does it come in an adult size?
776
00:33:55,744 --> 00:33:56,910
Hmm?
777
00:33:57,432 --> 00:33:58,932
Edward G. Robinson?
778
00:33:59,016 --> 00:34:01,283
Close. Karl Malden.
779
00:34:03,515 --> 00:34:05,640
Good to see you, Johnny.
780
00:34:05,665 --> 00:34:07,040
Um, sorry, Helen.
781
00:34:07,065 --> 00:34:08,678
I'm just gonna watch the...
782
00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:10,432
television now.
783
00:34:10,515 --> 00:34:12,307
And you're back in Los Angeles.
784
00:34:12,332 --> 00:34:13,515
How is that for you?
785
00:34:13,540 --> 00:34:14,772
Well, actually, I wouldn't know
786
00:34:14,772 --> 00:34:16,440
because you booked me a motel in Torrance.
787
00:34:16,523 --> 00:34:17,897
I-I...
- Thank you for that.
788
00:34:17,981 --> 00:34:19,355
But actually on the plus side,
789
00:34:19,380 --> 00:34:21,927
the asphalt is beautiful this time of year.
790
00:34:21,952 --> 00:34:23,551
So I hear.
791
00:34:23,576 --> 00:34:25,644
Is there a difference
792
00:34:25,669 --> 00:34:27,932
between the Las Vegas
793
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:30,293
comedy audience and L.A.'s?
794
00:34:30,557 --> 00:34:32,183
Well, there's a lot less crime.
795
00:34:32,208 --> 00:34:34,995
The L.A. crowd, well,
they're like a game of craps.
796
00:34:35,077 --> 00:34:36,618
- Craps?
- You know, they're fun,
797
00:34:36,702 --> 00:34:38,658
they're loud, they're explosive.
798
00:34:38,658 --> 00:34:42,456
Where a Vegas crowd is
more like slots, right?
799
00:34:42,456 --> 00:34:44,706
Tight, cheap, and so old
800
00:34:44,788 --> 00:34:46,539
you'd be lucky to find three cherries.
801
00:34:48,401 --> 00:34:49,429
Yes!
802
00:34:50,049 --> 00:34:51,667
I made Johnny Carson laugh!
803
00:34:53,406 --> 00:34:54,822
I made Johnny laugh.
804
00:34:55,552 --> 00:34:58,907
That joke should go well
with my Rat Pack potatoes.
805
00:34:59,401 --> 00:35:00,568
Yeah.
806
00:35:00,652 --> 00:35:02,819
Ah, you're gonna have to look hard.
807
00:35:02,902 --> 00:35:04,193
Yeah, no kidding.
808
00:35:08,625 --> 00:35:10,401
What are you loading
up on those things for?
809
00:35:10,401 --> 00:35:13,260
You got dinner at Chasen's
at, what, less than an hour?
810
00:35:13,961 --> 00:35:15,442
It's not happening.
811
00:35:16,222 --> 00:35:17,615
She cancelled on me.
812
00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:19,336
Shit. What happened?
813
00:35:20,667 --> 00:35:21,729
Work.
814
00:35:22,198 --> 00:35:23,667
At least that's what she said.
815
00:35:24,032 --> 00:35:26,257
Well, people gotta work, baby.
816
00:35:26,739 --> 00:35:27,989
Yeah, I guess.
817
00:35:28,673 --> 00:35:29,827
Don't do that.
818
00:35:31,949 --> 00:35:33,141
Do what?
819
00:35:34,331 --> 00:35:37,123
Give away your power like that.
820
00:35:38,724 --> 00:35:40,294
Say it is rejection.
821
00:35:40,554 --> 00:35:41,938
That's their bullshit.
822
00:35:42,563 --> 00:35:44,522
You can't buy into their definition
823
00:35:44,522 --> 00:35:46,053
of what makes you you.
824
00:35:46,918 --> 00:35:49,450
That's a long, dark
fucking well to fall down.
825
00:35:51,575 --> 00:35:54,143
So what you're saying, I'm just
supposed to be cool with it?
826
00:35:54,144 --> 00:35:55,612
Damn straight.
827
00:35:58,768 --> 00:36:00,912
Either way, both long
828
00:36:01,351 --> 00:36:04,162
fucking wells to fall down into.
829
00:36:08,037 --> 00:36:09,371
Hey, would you mind slowing down?
830
00:36:09,454 --> 00:36:11,834
You want to get us killed
before your jokes air?
831
00:36:11,881 --> 00:36:13,287
Sorry.
832
00:36:15,816 --> 00:36:17,765
So was it everything you dreamed?
833
00:36:19,307 --> 00:36:20,579
More, I think.
834
00:36:21,435 --> 00:36:22,651
Good.
835
00:36:23,058 --> 00:36:24,479
Make sure you celebrate.
836
00:36:25,659 --> 00:36:26,797
Oh, I will.
837
00:36:27,117 --> 00:36:29,080
Tonight. Don't wait.
838
00:36:30,058 --> 00:36:33,142
Otherwise it'll be... next time.
839
00:36:33,167 --> 00:36:35,058
Right? Next time I get asked
840
00:36:35,141 --> 00:36:37,940
to the couch or have my own show or...
841
00:36:38,111 --> 00:36:39,393
get an Emmy.
842
00:36:39,766 --> 00:36:42,224
Trust me, kid. Next time and never,
843
00:36:42,307 --> 00:36:43,896
they run neck and neck.
844
00:36:43,921 --> 00:36:45,429
Yeah, I think I'll, uh,
845
00:36:46,557 --> 00:36:49,266
maybe go out and grab a bite
to eat with a few friends.
846
00:36:49,349 --> 00:36:50,599
That's not celebrating.
847
00:36:50,682 --> 00:36:53,085
That's being entertained. It's passive.
848
00:36:53,361 --> 00:36:55,557
It's like sitting in a tub of your own fat.
849
00:36:55,891 --> 00:36:57,807
Celebration is action.
850
00:36:57,891 --> 00:37:01,258
It's... it's taking in the whole
of all the shit you had to eat.
851
00:37:01,724 --> 00:37:04,099
It says, "Fuck you, I beat you."
852
00:37:04,767 --> 00:37:06,635
I beat you."
853
00:37:07,247 --> 00:37:08,414
You understand?
854
00:37:08,439 --> 00:37:10,046
It's like a... A victory lap
855
00:37:10,130 --> 00:37:12,342
around everyone who ever shook their head
856
00:37:12,342 --> 00:37:13,551
when you weren't looking.
857
00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:22,218
So you're telling me I
should, uh, celebrate Carson
858
00:37:22,301 --> 00:37:24,030
by saying "fuck you" to people?
859
00:37:25,135 --> 00:37:27,301
You don't celebrate Carson, you idiot.
860
00:37:27,385 --> 00:37:28,822
Carson's a thing.
861
00:37:29,469 --> 00:37:31,203
You're celebrating you.
862
00:37:32,332 --> 00:37:35,894
The gift of success is now
you can love your hardship.
863
00:37:36,812 --> 00:37:39,265
I may not remember much
about my Carson appearances,
864
00:37:39,265 --> 00:37:42,062
but I remember every
injury that got me there.
865
00:37:42,451 --> 00:37:44,200
Well, maybe I should go back to Boston
866
00:37:44,225 --> 00:37:45,537
and do a lap around my mother.
867
00:37:46,829 --> 00:37:48,226
Good one, kid.
868
00:37:53,321 --> 00:37:54,404
What a blast!
869
00:37:54,488 --> 00:37:55,780
It was fun. Good show.
870
00:37:55,863 --> 00:37:57,577
- Yeah.
- Great show.
871
00:37:57,602 --> 00:37:58,732
All right.
872
00:37:59,673 --> 00:38:01,529
My cousin has a club in Palm Springs.
873
00:38:01,853 --> 00:38:02,905
Take his card.
874
00:38:03,119 --> 00:38:05,493
I will tell Mort to expect your call
875
00:38:05,518 --> 00:38:07,318
about booking us again next Thursday.
876
00:38:07,619 --> 00:38:09,566
All people used to want to hear was music.
877
00:38:10,332 --> 00:38:11,672
Now they want to hear comedy.
878
00:38:11,672 --> 00:38:13,252
The world gets weird and scary,
879
00:38:13,252 --> 00:38:14,832
the everyman wants to laugh,
880
00:38:15,050 --> 00:38:17,341
wants to forget about
the wars and the lies...
881
00:38:17,366 --> 00:38:18,687
Okay, take care of yourselves.
882
00:38:21,427 --> 00:38:23,641
To Mort, long may he live.
883
00:38:23,678 --> 00:38:24,867
To Mort!
884
00:38:25,265 --> 00:38:26,317
To Mort.
885
00:38:26,661 --> 00:38:27,733
To Mort.
886
00:38:27,734 --> 00:38:29,758
Hey, I got a couple of
great comics for you.
887
00:38:29,783 --> 00:38:32,616
It's good to see Mr.
and Mrs. Shaft showed up.
888
00:38:32,641 --> 00:38:33,881
Thank you so much for coming out.
889
00:38:35,283 --> 00:38:36,574
Shaft. Two bad mother...
890
00:38:36,657 --> 00:38:38,150
Shut it down tonight.
891
00:38:39,369 --> 00:38:41,075
I bet he shut down the restaurant.
892
00:38:41,158 --> 00:38:42,817
Look at how husky this boy is, huh?
893
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,604
What would you bet?
Linebacker? Half-backer?
894
00:38:45,604 --> 00:38:46,659
All the backers?
895
00:38:49,033 --> 00:38:50,955
Yeah, thank you for coming
out, Mr. and Mrs. Shaft.
896
00:38:50,980 --> 00:38:52,454
I appreciate you, man.
897
00:38:53,522 --> 00:38:55,147
Mrs. Shaft better buckle in.
898
00:38:55,230 --> 00:38:56,814
That's a heavy boy, ma'am.
899
00:39:01,605 --> 00:39:02,730
What can I do ya?
900
00:39:03,715 --> 00:39:06,188
You are not gonna believe
the shit I just heard.
901
00:39:06,272 --> 00:39:07,410
Hmm.
902
00:39:07,730 --> 00:39:11,230
So it seems there's some
complicated motherfucker,
903
00:39:11,313 --> 00:39:13,258
all full of piss and vinegar,
904
00:39:13,647 --> 00:39:15,169
and he's in some deep shit.
905
00:39:15,927 --> 00:39:18,195
But he won't get out of his
own way to make things right
906
00:39:18,195 --> 00:39:19,414
with the law.
907
00:39:20,596 --> 00:39:22,903
Sounds like a fucking asshole.
908
00:39:22,987 --> 00:39:24,241
Yeah.
909
00:39:25,030 --> 00:39:26,736
But hold up, 'cause it gets crazier.
910
00:39:26,761 --> 00:39:27,842
Mm.
911
00:39:28,278 --> 00:39:30,908
All this cat has to do is say sorry
912
00:39:30,908 --> 00:39:32,503
and he won't do it again,
913
00:39:32,995 --> 00:39:34,238
it all goes away.
914
00:39:34,870 --> 00:39:36,220
Just like that?
915
00:39:36,658 --> 00:39:37,891
Just like that.
916
00:39:38,745 --> 00:39:41,225
No jail. Free and clear.
917
00:39:41,250 --> 00:39:42,959
I mean, he can go on to
doing whatever he was doing,
918
00:39:42,984 --> 00:39:44,092
not a care in the world.
919
00:39:44,491 --> 00:39:46,985
Let me guess. He won't.
920
00:39:47,163 --> 00:39:48,240
Nope.
921
00:39:49,994 --> 00:39:52,431
And here's the really crazy part.
922
00:39:54,781 --> 00:39:55,981
He shouldn't.
923
00:39:58,555 --> 00:40:00,389
'Cause that's who he is.
924
00:40:01,668 --> 00:40:03,472
And that's what people love about him.
925
00:40:04,114 --> 00:40:07,281
More importantly, it's
what he loves about himself,
926
00:40:07,306 --> 00:40:09,014
even though he don't know it yet.
927
00:40:11,188 --> 00:40:14,582
And if he gives up that thing
928
00:40:15,305 --> 00:40:17,352
that makes him love that part of himself,
929
00:40:17,352 --> 00:40:20,369
that... he thinks makes him so unlovable,
930
00:40:21,310 --> 00:40:23,247
so unworthy of love,
931
00:40:25,102 --> 00:40:27,957
then that motherfucker's lost forever.
932
00:40:33,241 --> 00:40:34,811
So I say fuck 'em all.
933
00:40:38,393 --> 00:40:39,988
And he should stick to his guns.
934
00:40:52,215 --> 00:40:55,203
You know what, first dates in
L.A. should be called pilots.
935
00:40:57,798 --> 00:41:00,298
'Cause nine out of ten of
'em get canceled, all right?
936
00:41:00,381 --> 00:41:02,592
This is the only city
937
00:41:02,592 --> 00:41:04,319
where a woman can call and cancel on you
938
00:41:04,319 --> 00:41:05,753
while you getting out the shower.
939
00:41:06,273 --> 00:41:07,371
Okay?
940
00:41:07,788 --> 00:41:09,636
You hanging up the phone in a towel like,
941
00:41:11,058 --> 00:41:13,044
"I just washed my whole ass for no reason."
942
00:41:15,954 --> 00:41:17,663
This is why I love women
from the South, all right.
943
00:41:17,746 --> 00:41:20,717
Southern women, they never cancel on you.
944
00:41:20,759 --> 00:41:22,462
Fuck that. Uh-uh.
945
00:41:22,704 --> 00:41:25,303
Woman will show up to the
restaurant, covered in blood,
946
00:41:26,015 --> 00:41:28,411
knife stabbed in her chest and everything,
947
00:41:29,002 --> 00:41:32,079
saying shit like, "I'm so
sorry that I'm late, okay?"
948
00:41:32,162 --> 00:41:34,719
Please say that you ordered without me."
949
00:41:36,857 --> 00:41:38,371
Fucking love Southern women.
950
00:41:38,632 --> 00:41:40,444
It's like in L.A. "I would love to go out
951
00:41:40,444 --> 00:41:41,527
on a date with you" just means,
952
00:41:41,610 --> 00:41:44,027
"Yeah, look at this stupid
motherfucker here, mm-hmm."
953
00:41:45,076 --> 00:41:47,443
Yeah, let me see if I
can crush your spirit.
954
00:41:47,527 --> 00:41:50,236
Yeah, you smiling now,
you beautiful bastard.
955
00:41:50,319 --> 00:41:53,190
Let's see if you smiling when
you got shampoo in your hair
956
00:41:53,215 --> 00:41:55,215
"and I call and cancel on your ass."
957
00:41:56,578 --> 00:41:59,789
I think that's probably why God asked Noah
958
00:41:59,814 --> 00:42:01,512
to build the ark, okay? A man.
959
00:42:02,550 --> 00:42:03,591
Don't get sensitive.
960
00:42:03,675 --> 00:42:05,823
A man. All right?
961
00:42:06,780 --> 00:42:08,863
'Cause he knew that if he
asked a woman from L.A.,
962
00:42:08,947 --> 00:42:10,448
she'd probably say yeah
963
00:42:10,474 --> 00:42:12,974
and then call him and
cancel 20 minutes before
964
00:42:12,999 --> 00:42:14,155
it started to rain.
965
00:42:14,931 --> 00:42:16,681
You'd just have a bunch of drowned animals
966
00:42:16,764 --> 00:42:19,854
and a few people clinging
to a soggy piece of wood.
967
00:42:19,854 --> 00:42:22,415
Just... cold as a motherfucker.
968
00:42:23,667 --> 00:42:26,068
But to be fair, like,
God didn't even the balls
969
00:42:26,093 --> 00:42:29,813
to ask a woman to do any
of this Noah shit, okay?
970
00:42:30,744 --> 00:42:32,592
Woman would be standing there, thinking,
971
00:42:33,917 --> 00:42:35,200
"Wait a minute."
972
00:42:37,458 --> 00:42:38,798
Wait, girl. Shut up.
973
00:42:41,917 --> 00:42:44,185
Did he just ask me to build a boat?
974
00:42:46,330 --> 00:42:49,575
What kind of god just gonna
pop some shit out like that
975
00:42:49,575 --> 00:42:50,805
last minute?
976
00:42:50,805 --> 00:42:52,866
No, no, no, 'cause if he
was the all-seeing god,
977
00:42:52,949 --> 00:42:55,157
"he would know that I got
shit to do this weekend."
978
00:42:59,694 --> 00:43:00,979
Checking out the talent, huh?
979
00:43:00,997 --> 00:43:02,577
In a manner of speaking.
980
00:43:02,577 --> 00:43:04,366
Well, your future awaits.
981
00:43:04,398 --> 00:43:05,994
- Well, he is why I'm here.
- Wh...
982
00:43:06,244 --> 00:43:08,125
Yeah, I wanted to talk
about the record business,
983
00:43:08,150 --> 00:43:10,525
and we had dinner plans
and I had to cancel.
984
00:43:10,550 --> 00:43:12,693
So... but I got out a little
earlier than I thought.
985
00:43:12,995 --> 00:43:15,952
Ask a man to do some shit like that, okay?
986
00:43:15,952 --> 00:43:18,403
I don't think dinner and business advice
987
00:43:18,428 --> 00:43:20,081
is all he had in mind, huh?
988
00:43:22,340 --> 00:43:23,911
It's okay. Neither did I.
989
00:43:25,712 --> 00:43:27,412
Fellas, if I'm wrong, you can correct me.
990
00:43:27,495 --> 00:43:28,870
He's a little green, no?
991
00:43:29,390 --> 00:43:31,078
Neither of us were kids at his age.
992
00:43:31,162 --> 00:43:33,375
She gonna say, "Okay."
993
00:43:35,498 --> 00:43:36,870
- It's okay.
- I got it.
994
00:43:39,306 --> 00:43:41,427
So we're calling you on this big-ass boat.
995
00:43:42,597 --> 00:43:43,612
Hey.
996
00:43:43,945 --> 00:43:45,116
Look, that's my time, y'all.
997
00:43:45,141 --> 00:43:46,930
Don't worry. I wouldn't be here
998
00:43:47,012 --> 00:43:48,054
if I didn't see the special in him.
999
00:43:48,137 --> 00:43:49,929
Hmm. He is special.
1000
00:43:50,012 --> 00:43:51,458
Stay beautiful, baby!
1001
00:43:52,002 --> 00:43:53,940
- So good to see you.
- You too.
1002
00:44:02,929 --> 00:44:04,062
All right.
1003
00:44:04,854 --> 00:44:06,320
There's Adam Proteau.
1004
00:44:08,620 --> 00:44:09,900
Thought you were working.
1005
00:44:10,236 --> 00:44:11,652
Mm, I finished early.
1006
00:44:11,677 --> 00:44:13,177
I had thirty dates to cancel,
1007
00:44:13,260 --> 00:44:15,177
and I was building an ark, so...
1008
00:44:17,301 --> 00:44:18,546
You still hate women?
1009
00:44:19,468 --> 00:44:21,479
Nah. You all right.
1010
00:44:21,993 --> 00:44:23,032
Hmm.
1011
00:44:23,057 --> 00:44:25,116
We had dinner reservations
for Chasen's, but...
1012
00:44:25,141 --> 00:44:27,058
pfff, you know.
1013
00:44:27,646 --> 00:44:29,567
You know what, Mel's is still open.
1014
00:44:30,438 --> 00:44:32,088
I could do a cheeseburger.
1015
00:44:32,593 --> 00:44:34,065
Good, 'cause you're paying.
1016
00:44:34,065 --> 00:44:36,316
I just gave you a whole
lot of new material.
1017
00:44:37,291 --> 00:44:39,524
Oh, oh. I'm with that.
1018
00:44:51,066 --> 00:44:52,859
You sure he's asleep?
1019
00:44:52,941 --> 00:44:54,551
Hmm, conked out.
1020
00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:56,608
Him and his friend Luke went swimming
1021
00:44:56,692 --> 00:44:58,126
down at Little Sandy's pond.
1022
00:44:58,126 --> 00:44:59,917
Remember how we used to sit on the dock
1023
00:44:59,942 --> 00:45:02,245
and let the little
fishies bite at our toes?
1024
00:45:02,496 --> 00:45:04,121
It's kind of a creepy feeling.
1025
00:45:06,299 --> 00:45:07,939
You sure you can't wake him up?
1026
00:45:11,589 --> 00:45:12,764
You okay?
1027
00:45:13,565 --> 00:45:14,890
Why wouldn't I be?
1028
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:17,275
Had a bad week? I get it.
1029
00:45:18,813 --> 00:45:20,481
You couldn't possibly get it.
1030
00:45:21,043 --> 00:45:23,112
What do you want me to say, Cass?
1031
00:45:24,011 --> 00:45:25,459
You're sorry.
1032
00:45:25,543 --> 00:45:26,655
Sorry?
1033
00:45:28,095 --> 00:45:29,128
For what?
1034
00:45:29,543 --> 00:45:30,570
Hmm?
1035
00:45:30,595 --> 00:45:33,929
You're saying you wish
you married Rowley Cotton?
1036
00:45:34,774 --> 00:45:36,732
Lived in that little
yellow shithole he owns
1037
00:45:36,816 --> 00:45:39,158
with this 442 car engine
dangling from a chain
1038
00:45:39,158 --> 00:45:40,534
on a tree out front?
1039
00:45:40,768 --> 00:45:42,518
You were 17 and pregnant
1040
00:45:42,601 --> 00:45:44,226
and you hated this place.
1041
00:45:44,626 --> 00:45:46,434
I was 17.
1042
00:45:46,947 --> 00:45:48,239
Why did you take him?
1043
00:45:48,322 --> 00:45:49,613
Why didn't you help me?
1044
00:45:54,618 --> 00:45:56,380
Oh, Cass.
1045
00:45:58,488 --> 00:45:59,707
What you need to realize
1046
00:45:59,732 --> 00:46:01,606
is as soon as Jesse was born,
1047
00:46:03,137 --> 00:46:05,226
it wasn't about you anymore.
1048
00:46:08,004 --> 00:46:09,712
Go to bed, Cassie.
1049
00:46:22,091 --> 00:46:24,713
So then he did the
joke about how his love life
1050
00:46:24,797 --> 00:46:27,262
is going great according to
Hollywood's top divorce lawyer
1051
00:46:27,681 --> 00:46:29,667
and how the lawyer's
glad Roy is dating again
1052
00:46:29,667 --> 00:46:30,963
because he's having a pool put in.
1053
00:46:32,958 --> 00:46:34,897
First part is Roy's; the pool part is mine.
1054
00:46:35,214 --> 00:46:36,284
There you go.
1055
00:46:38,058 --> 00:46:40,208
Fuck, man. Carson.
1056
00:46:41,174 --> 00:46:42,675
You made Carson laugh.
1057
00:46:42,757 --> 00:46:43,775
Yep.
1058
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:45,162
I mean, I didn't.
1059
00:46:47,578 --> 00:46:49,127
But, I mean, I kinda did.
1060
00:46:52,219 --> 00:46:53,492
Fucking surreal.
1061
00:46:54,103 --> 00:46:55,302
- Yeah.
- Just surreal.
1062
00:46:58,001 --> 00:46:59,763
Well, the show's not on for a while.
1063
00:46:59,764 --> 00:47:01,097
Let's go celebrate, huh?
1064
00:47:01,410 --> 00:47:02,488
You name the place.
1065
00:47:02,488 --> 00:47:04,590
We're using Benny bucks,
so money's no object.
1066
00:47:06,649 --> 00:47:08,233
Call Cassie. We'll make it for three.
1067
00:47:08,436 --> 00:47:09,895
Yeah, she's not feeling well.
1068
00:47:09,895 --> 00:47:11,156
- That's a shame.
- It'll just be us.
1069
00:47:11,156 --> 00:47:12,464
Yeah, I know you're upset.
1070
00:47:12,526 --> 00:47:13,726
You're disappointed.
1071
00:47:14,564 --> 00:47:15,982
Come on. Let me buy you dinner.
1072
00:47:16,007 --> 00:47:17,060
You pick the spot.
1073
00:47:18,156 --> 00:47:19,162
All right.
1074
00:47:19,739 --> 00:47:21,197
Think I know where I want to go.
1075
00:47:44,178 --> 00:47:45,427
What are you doing here?
1076
00:47:45,452 --> 00:47:46,411
Hello.
1077
00:47:46,569 --> 00:47:47,919
Well, I hear you got robbed.
1078
00:47:48,192 --> 00:47:50,683
The serial killer who
works for you told me.
1079
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:53,251
Fucking Arnie. He's got a big mouth.
1080
00:47:54,144 --> 00:47:55,496
Caught you on Carson.
1081
00:47:55,741 --> 00:47:56,812
It's funny.
1082
00:47:56,812 --> 00:47:58,716
Well, all grist for the mill.
1083
00:47:59,978 --> 00:48:01,202
So...
1084
00:48:01,519 --> 00:48:02,811
I can get you something to eat.
1085
00:48:02,894 --> 00:48:03,978
Ah.
1086
00:48:06,352 --> 00:48:08,561
- Look at that.
- Wuh-huh.
1087
00:48:09,700 --> 00:48:11,602
I'll get you... I'll get you a drink then.
1088
00:48:11,686 --> 00:48:12,745
- Here. Hold on.
- Whoa.
1089
00:48:12,770 --> 00:48:14,326
- What about that?
- Oh!
1090
00:48:14,894 --> 00:48:16,974
You got any entertainment in there?
1091
00:48:16,974 --> 00:48:18,516
Well, Neil Diamond cried like a bitch
1092
00:48:18,600 --> 00:48:19,642
when I stuffed him in the bag.
1093
00:48:19,725 --> 00:48:22,061
- So I brought this.
- Oh-ooh.
1094
00:48:22,086 --> 00:48:24,903
Oh. Fantastic.
1095
00:48:26,686 --> 00:48:28,472
I'll get silverware and stuff.
1096
00:48:28,497 --> 00:48:29,645
All right.
1097
00:48:36,934 --> 00:48:38,090
Ah.
1098
00:48:39,929 --> 00:48:41,471
Why do you think stolen
food tastes so much better
1099
00:48:41,496 --> 00:48:42,820
than when you pay for it?
1100
00:48:42,845 --> 00:48:44,887
Ah, must be the body sweat.
1101
00:48:46,748 --> 00:48:49,292
By the way, kudos on
clean-snatching that whole box
1102
00:48:49,317 --> 00:48:51,709
of Slim Jims right under
the cashier's lazy eye.
1103
00:48:52,124 --> 00:48:53,707
I know, I think it was just because
1104
00:48:53,790 --> 00:48:55,707
he was so dazzled by your celebrity.
1105
00:48:55,790 --> 00:48:56,832
Yeah, he really was.
1106
00:48:56,915 --> 00:48:58,456
I mean, I could tell by the
way he was looking at me.
1107
00:48:58,481 --> 00:48:59,872
Or the magazine rack.
1108
00:48:59,897 --> 00:49:01,480
You know, it's hard to
tell with the lazy eye.
1109
00:49:03,375 --> 00:49:04,834
To the funniest fuck I know.
1110
00:49:05,082 --> 00:49:05,999
Hmm.
1111
00:49:07,701 --> 00:49:09,136
And to the runner-up.
1112
00:49:09,707 --> 00:49:10,683
Douche.
1113
00:49:11,341 --> 00:49:12,578
Two in a row.
1114
00:49:13,734 --> 00:49:15,341
I never have this kind of luck in Vegas.
1115
00:49:15,424 --> 00:49:17,383
Ah, spoken like a true degenerate.
1116
00:49:18,708 --> 00:49:19,869
It's true.
1117
00:49:20,660 --> 00:49:22,613
You know, my place was robbed there.
1118
00:49:23,174 --> 00:49:24,738
I never went back to it.
1119
00:49:26,132 --> 00:49:28,049
The odds of it happening a second time
1120
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:30,202
are, like, a billion to one.
1121
00:49:30,675 --> 00:49:32,633
That's why you're such a bad gambler.
1122
00:49:32,967 --> 00:49:34,508
It's one of the reasons.
1123
00:49:41,039 --> 00:49:42,134
What?
1124
00:49:42,217 --> 00:49:43,409
It's nothing.
1125
00:49:44,467 --> 00:49:46,661
Got something on your mind, just say it.
1126
00:49:47,711 --> 00:49:50,508
I wish I'd never mentioned
Amanda to that police.
1127
00:49:50,533 --> 00:49:51,545
It...
1128
00:49:52,217 --> 00:49:53,476
They called Sid.
1129
00:49:54,800 --> 00:49:56,504
Sid called me and, Christ,
1130
00:49:56,529 --> 00:49:57,717
he went to town on it.
1131
00:49:57,800 --> 00:49:59,300
Oh, fuck Sid.
1132
00:49:59,383 --> 00:50:01,300
I've had funnier surgeries.
1133
00:50:12,675 --> 00:50:14,550
I sort of kind of wish it was her.
1134
00:50:17,550 --> 00:50:18,731
Goldie.
1135
00:50:19,425 --> 00:50:21,334
Amanda will come around.
1136
00:50:21,717 --> 00:50:22,928
She will.
1137
00:50:24,884 --> 00:50:26,301
Eventually.
1138
00:50:27,759 --> 00:50:30,179
How many "eventually" s
do you think we get in life
1139
00:50:30,204 --> 00:50:32,930
before we realize that
what's in front of us
1140
00:50:33,335 --> 00:50:34,433
is it?
1141
00:50:37,097 --> 00:50:39,805
Okay, are you done with
the pep talk, Sylvia Plath?
1142
00:50:39,830 --> 00:50:42,743
Because, uh, I have a
third game to win, please.
1143
00:50:46,079 --> 00:50:49,126
Oh, I think I've got to call it a night.
1144
00:50:51,773 --> 00:50:53,061
Okay.
1145
00:50:57,411 --> 00:50:58,888
Would you mind if I, uh,
1146
00:50:59,668 --> 00:51:00,990
stick around a bit?
1147
00:51:01,793 --> 00:51:03,926
You crash, and I'll, uh...
1148
00:51:04,152 --> 00:51:05,880
I'll let myself out in a while.
1149
00:51:06,252 --> 00:51:07,346
How's that?
1150
00:51:10,562 --> 00:51:11,683
Okay.
1151
00:51:12,802 --> 00:51:13,831
Thank you.
1152
00:51:15,139 --> 00:51:16,312
Sure.
1153
00:51:17,898 --> 00:51:19,018
Okay.
1154
00:51:20,484 --> 00:51:21,509
Okay.
1155
00:51:21,776 --> 00:51:23,068
- Good night.
- Thanks for the chicken.
1156
00:51:23,150 --> 00:51:24,234
Sure.
1157
00:51:59,026 --> 00:52:00,136
Mmm.
1158
00:52:02,026 --> 00:52:03,068
Hey.
1159
00:52:05,317 --> 00:52:07,224
I thought you weren't feeling well.
1160
00:52:08,265 --> 00:52:09,339
I rallied.
1161
00:52:09,535 --> 00:52:10,621
Mmm.
1162
00:52:13,394 --> 00:52:14,621
You all right?
1163
00:52:14,941 --> 00:52:16,692
You were funny tonight.
1164
00:52:18,205 --> 00:52:19,936
Sorry I couldn't be there.
1165
00:52:20,742 --> 00:52:21,951
I missed you.
1166
00:52:24,614 --> 00:52:25,860
What's going on?
1167
00:52:34,014 --> 00:52:35,116
Shit.
1168
00:52:35,577 --> 00:52:37,026
I don't have a rubber.
1169
00:52:39,526 --> 00:52:40,734
That's okay.
1170
00:52:40,818 --> 00:52:42,227
You can just pull out.
1171
00:52:43,984 --> 00:52:46,443
Here's one for the country club sketch.
1172
00:52:47,114 --> 00:52:48,740
Sammy's a bartender.
1173
00:52:48,901 --> 00:52:50,400
Uh, he's making a cocktail for Cher.
1174
00:52:50,484 --> 00:52:52,234
They banter. Blah, blah, blah.
1175
00:52:52,317 --> 00:52:55,017
Cher says she'd do anything
for a black Russian.
1176
00:52:55,818 --> 00:52:58,026
Sammy says, "Let us start with dinner
1177
00:52:58,109 --> 00:52:59,651
at my place, no?"
1178
00:53:01,859 --> 00:53:02,818
It's...
1179
00:53:20,034 --> 00:53:21,483
I guess Ralph likes it.
1180
00:53:34,068 --> 00:53:35,400
Black Russian!
1181
00:54:06,150 --> 00:54:07,560
What're you drinking?
1182
00:54:08,526 --> 00:54:10,109
Seven and seven.
1183
00:54:12,377 --> 00:54:13,420
Hey.
1184
00:54:13,983 --> 00:54:15,468
Two of these, please.
1185
00:54:31,454 --> 00:54:32,526
Hey, Cass.
1186
00:54:32,924 --> 00:54:34,244
We're gonna have to stop.
1187
00:54:34,244 --> 00:54:35,494
No, baby, it's okay.
1188
00:54:35,578 --> 00:54:36,786
It's okay.
1189
00:54:36,870 --> 00:54:38,078
Cum.
1190
00:54:40,752 --> 00:54:41,995
It's okay.
1191
00:54:58,078 --> 00:54:59,619
It's okay.
1192
00:55:02,744 --> 00:55:04,161
It's okay.
1193
00:55:06,953 --> 00:55:08,369
It's okay.
1194
00:55:10,452 --> 00:55:12,036
It's okay.
1195
00:55:48,586 --> 00:55:51,021
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com
80849
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