All language subtitles for I m Dying Up Here - 02x02 - Plus One.DEFLATE

Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...

I need you to pick up Roy Martin
at the airport tonight.

The Roy Martin? I have all
his comedy albums.

He's like an idol of mine.

Front page, huh?

You're the talk of Wink.

Well, it's not the first time.

Girls Are Funny Too.

We interrupt...

Once again, my life has been preempted

- by a fucking tragedy.
- Tough night.

I just talked to our daughter.

I'm not the one gumming up the works.

She doesn't wanna talk.

It's Benny time.

Network called.

They want to make you a regular.

You're rich, you lovable cocksucker!

Holy shit.

Synced & corrected by reggielist
www.addic7ed.com

Well, I'd be lying if I said
I didn't see this coming.

It's for my nephew, Jesse.

It's got a holster and
caps and everything.

I just... I'm not really
sure what he likes.

My nieces were so much
easier to shop for.

What, are you kidding?
He's gonna love it.

His name's Jesse, for cripes' sake.

I never went anywhere without mine.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Were you a good guy or a bad guy?

- Bad guy, always.
- Mm.

I was actually on the
Jewish Most Wanted List.

Oh, you don't say?

Yeah, right after a,
uh, crooked accountant

and a deli owner notorious for
putting his thumb on the scale.

So...

are you excited to see your family?

It's been a while.

Mm, I was more excited...

...when I thought they'd all
be clamoring to congratulate me

after being on TV.

Now I don't really
know what I'm gonna say.

Well, you just say, "When
is your special airing",

Uncle Billy Bob?"

I don't have an Uncle Billy Bob.

Sure, you do.

Hey.

You know I'm sorry that I
can't be there with you, right?

I'll be fine.

Plus, I get to tell everyone
that my boyfriend can't come...

because he's working for Roy Martin.

- All right.
- "Uncle Billy Bob."

Yeah, well, "working for"

sounds a lot better than "driving."

Yeah, but driving will
lead to other things.

Like picking up his dry cleaning.

Dropping off his call girls.

Mm, clipping his toenails.

Giving him a sponge bath.

Oh, he does love sponge baths.

Who doesn't?

"Gosh, Mom, I don't know
what I'd do without you.

Thanks for coming to get me."

"Oh, sure, honey. Be happy.

Happy to help you
anytime. You know that."

Honestly, Amanda, y-you're
not gonna say anything?

It's very important to Amanda

that you respect her vow of silence.

You hungry, hmm?

We could stop at Mel's.

Get pancakes with bacon. Huh?

Amanda's a vegetarian now.

- Oh, Jesus.
- It's part of her healing.

The only way to free
your mind, body, and soul

from old traumas

is by making deliberate decisions

about everything you do, say,

drink, and eat.

Change your days, change your ways.

Is there someplace we
could drop you? Hmm?

I'm not here for me, Goldie.

I'm here as a spiritual
mentor to your daughter.

So you break her out of rehab

so an hour later, she can get arrested

for shoplifting and possession,

like a regular Mahatma fucking Gandhi.

She stole tampons and a lighter.

We're not exactly
talking Patty Hearst here.

Stop!

Stop, or I swear to Christ,

I will pull this car over

and slap the glitter out of you.

I see what you mean about her.

Let me say it in English. No!

Let me say it in Spanish. No!

Goldie doesn't book
comics to play anywhere

not named Goldie's, okay?

Bye-bye!

Ooh!

Hey, Arnie, how often do
you get that phone call?

All fucking day.

And no, we can't book ourselves,
if that's what you're thinking.

I understand why you
can't book yourself,

because you're fucking terrible,

one of the worst comics I've ever seen.

But why can't I book me?

Trust me, you don't
want to play with fire.

Oh, that's right,
only Goldie can do that

and get away with it, huh?

Hey, that's a rumor,

and we're not having this
conversation right now.

Why are you so afraid of her?

I don't know, Manny. Or is it Edgar?

You tell me.

That's a fair point.

Oh, my God.

Oh, hey.

You want jam?

I've got blueberry, huh?

This really how you're gonna play it?

Not a word?

Sweetie, I...

Don't you think I deserve

a little follow-up discussion here?

Your filter was gurgling,
so I added a little water.

Nobody asked you to.

How long is Sister Mary Freeloader

gonna stay here, hmm?

It's fine.

I was prepared for the sarcasm.

Oh, I'd be happy to quit the sarcasm

and tell you to get the fuck
out of my house if you'd prefer.

You really curse a lot.

It's like a sea captain amount.

Yeah, I'm the captain
of this fucking ship.

I am not your enemy.

- Oh.
- Goldie...

I have incredible compassion for you.

Uh... oh, you do, do you?

I think you should know that
Amanda is very committed.

Committed?

To overcoming her trauma.

What kind of trauma are
you talking about, huh?

You know.

What do you think you know?

She's a child of divorce.

Volatile home environment.

Absentee parents.

You know, the whole
emotional kit and caboodle.

I'm going down to the club.

I expect you to be here when I get back.

Don't say a word.

And you, you can take
your kit and caboodle

and take a hike on the freeway.

You and your kit and caboodle,

you can go and take a hike.

Yum, yum, yum.

Oh, I make it into your diary?

Uh, no, you know,

I'm just, uh, working on some new stuff.

What do you got?

You really wanna...

- Pretty please?
- Right.

Let's see what we got.

Um...

So my mother wasn't a
very supportive woman.

Um, one night after my act,

she told relatives that the club owner

presented her with a folded flag.

What else you got?

Uh...

Uh, "...not very supportive."

Uh, I asked her to tell me
about the birds and the bees,

and she said, "Why? What's it to you?"

What else?

I could never seem to please
my mother no matter what I did.

Whenever I disappointed
her, she'd scold me

and ask why I couldn't be
more like my imaginary friend.

What else?

- Um...
- Move.

Oh.

When I was five, I-I asked
my mother if she loved me,

and she shrugged and said,

"'Not to play devil's advocate,
but, uh...'"

I'm taking them for The Tonight Show.

Uh, but...

they're about my mother.

A very fine lady, to be sure.

I know what you're all thinking.

I look like a younger, slightly
less syphilitic Ben Franklin.

"It's Benny time!"

- Yeah!
- All right.

Okay.

Can't tell you how many times
I get stopped on the street

and thanked for inventing bifocals.

You see, 'cause Ben Franklin
also invented bifocals.

You know, a lot of people
think it was just electricity,

but he actually invented a lot of shit,

bifocals, flexible catheter.

It's Benny time.

All right, our next
comic you may recognize

from him selling you
weed in the men's room.

Señor Manny Martinez, everybody.

Ron Shack. Let him hear it.

The thin line between celebrity

and being too lazy to get
up and change the channel.

Hey, Mailman.

Oh, wow, Roy Martin.
You hear to watch my show?

Not yet, but I hear it's
a real piece of shit.

Goldie tell you how I
like to be introduced?

Uh, yes, sir.
"Roy Martin in from Vegas."

Catch him on Carson this Friday.

No! "Ladies and gentlemen",

we have a special guest in the audience.

"Let's see if we can
persuade him to come on up."

Who's the special guest?

I'm the special guest.

But you... you're in the lineup.

You know, I think the best part of you,

your dad wiped off on the motel drapes.

- Right, got it.
- Okay, good.

Now let's stick a fork in
the Frito Bandito up there

so I can get this show started.

Anybody ever tell you you're
kind of a dick in person?

Make sure you save me a dance.

...in your fucking dog, first of all.

Secondly...

Roy Martin's a real asshole.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Track it inside...

You don't think of the guy
who's on his hands and knees

cleaning up the dog shit.

You don't think about that.

All right, you know what
should stay outside also?

I don't want your watch.

You wanna keep your mom. I respect that.

No, you can have her.

Just let me write you
more material for Carson.

I know your voice.

I've listened to it my entire life.

- I have all your albums.
- I already have writers.

And yet you gave up your
fancy watch for my jokes.

Look, before you start polishing

your new set of brass balls in public,

just know I have about
40 of these watches.

I've been smoking weed,
crank calling them nonstop.

"Nine-one-one. What's your emergency?"

"I'm a bad boy."

"You're a bad boy? Is this a baby?"

"I'm a poopy baby."

"You're a poopy baby?

Well, what's your
emergency, poopy baby?"

"Uh, I went poo-poo",

and my mommy's mad."

"Well, why is your mommy mad?"

"Because I'm 23
and I did it in her shoes."

"Hello? Hello?"

That's right.

What are you doing up here?

What's going on? What?

I've been up here for,
like, three minutes.

It's not me. It's fucking Roy Martin.

Yeah, but I'm murdering with Poopy Baby.

- Manslaughter at best.
- I was killing it.

All right, everybody,

we have got a very
special guest here tonight.

I think you all know him.
Mr. Roy Martin!

All right, Roy!

Listen, let me write you ten jokes.

If you don't like them,
I will shut up and drive.

Let's, uh... let's see
if we can't persuade Roy

to come up for a couple minutes.

What do you say, Roy? You cocksucker.

Fine, but come to my
hotel room tomorrow night.

All right, is there anything
you want me to focus on?

Any particular material?
Mother? Mother-in-law?

Look, I'm giving you the shot.
Wipe your own fucking nose.

Okay! Hello!

Roy Martin, everybody!

I still can't believe

that you got fucking Soul Train.

- It's incredible.
- There's no way.

Rosa Parks stayed seated for this.

- What?
- Apparently not.

Can you think of a better
advertisement for Afro Sheen?

Okay, a lot of white comics
go up on Soul Train.

I don't see what the big deal is.

What are you talking about, you
don't see what the big deal is?

- It's fucking Soul Train.
- It's Soul Train.

It's a major-league gig.

- Yeah.
- When did you even find out?

Couple hours ago. Agent called.

Let me ask you a question.

Are you performing as Benny the Mailman,

or are you performing as Ron Shack?

What's the difference?

Well, Benny the Mailman is a punch line.

Ron Shack is a comic.

Is he, though?

- Sort of.
- Seriously?

Is-is that the only
bullet in your barrel?

- It's a good bullet.
- It's a really good bullet.

- One-trick pony.
- But besides the fact,

you should really listen to him, man.

This is your chance to show people

who you are as a stand-up, all right?

Separate from Benny the fucking Mailman.

Though fitting, not his middle name.

- Are you going with him?
- Yeah, I'm going.

My agent feels like I
should expand my circle,

so I'm just going to make connections.

And plus, the circle
doesn't have Charmaine.

She's, like, the finest
Soul Train dancer ever.

Oh, I'm gonna sop that
girl up with a biscuit.

- Morning.
- Guess I'm on California time.

- Good morning.
- Hmm.

- Am I the last one up?
- Uh, no, that would be Jesse.

- Aunt Cassie?
- Aunt Cassie!

Oh, my God, you're giants!

What'd you bring us?

I think you mean "good morning."

Oh, no.

Oh, girls, I'm so sorry.

I was supposed to get you a gift?

Oh, no.

But luckily I did.

All right. Presents.

- Yeah!
- That was a nice trick.

A Friend From a Foreign Land!

That's kinda what I am, huh?

- Where's mine from?
- Thailand.

Wasn't that sweet of
your Aunt Cassie, girls?

Are you famous? Mommy
and Daddy said you were.

Oh, not really, no.

- Are you married?
- Nope.

- Are you rich?
- Nope.

How big is your mansion?

Winnie, your doll's from Sweden.

Eat, girls, 'fore your eggs get cold!

Jesse, let's move it!

Craig, you're gonna be here
for the rental company, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Uh, Denise and Pam

are coming for a final fitting
on our bridesmaids' dresses,

and I'm so sorry, Cassie.

It is a chore getting
everybody fed and on the bus.

No, it's great.

It's just, you're my
second tornado of the week.

Why aren't you dressed for school?

Look at you, little man.

I hate eggs.

Well, you get what you get, okay?

Can you hug your Aunt Cassie, please?

She just got in last night.

It's okay. He's tired.

Tired's no excuse for rudeness.

No!

You can't get me.

Uh, hey, Jess, I got you something.

You might be too old for it now,

but if you don't like it,
we can always return it

and get you something else.

No way! Can I open it?

Yeah, of course.

Let's get in there. Yeah, all right.

Yeah.

Whoa-oh.

Mom, did you see this?

Mm.

Don't shoot your sisters.

There's a box of caps in
here to make it even louder.

Oh, by all means, make it louder.

Thank you. I love it.

Welcome home!

Last night's little sojourn
your idea or the Maharishi's?

Let's take a step back.

Let's have a nice,
deep cleansing breath.

That's enough, huh? Enough.

So many windows in this house,

yet nothing can come in.

You did.

Am was feeling cooped up last night,

so we went out.

We got stoned. We connected.

We ate some tabbouleh at the Source.

And that's it. No big deal.

I'm not doing this anymore.

I'm not playing this game.

If you're back, I need to know

it's to get your shit together.

Take some classes. Get a job.

Hell, lie by the pool
till you figure it out.

It's okay.

I will move heaven
and Earth to help you.

But not knowing where you are,

if you're coming back at night,

I'm not doing it.

So if you think that's too much to ask,

here's a thousand bucks.

Do your own thing, set yourself up,

but I am finished being
put through the wringer

so you can find new ways
to fuck up both our lives.

Your call, baby.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Um...

That's nice.

It's like... like your
own personal peep show.

Wow, really committed to
the whole box of crayons.

Dressing for Soul Train
is like doing a backflip.

If you don't fully commit,

you're just gonna fall on your face.

Besides, guy Charmaine
danced with last week,

brother was wearing
a gold lamé jumpsuit.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

There's a science to a
black man and his clothes.

All right?

We couldn't live in-in
nice neighborhoods

because of segregation.

You had to set yourself apart somehow.

Nice car, nice clothes.

Look, to this day, a brother's outfit

says everything that a black
woman needs to know about him.

Which brings me to my next inquiry.

I myself would like to
sleep with a black woman,

and being on Soul Train feels
like a perfect opportunity to...

sop that up with a biscuit.

Uh, so I was wondering if you might have

any tips you can give me.

Ron, you ever hear yourself talk?

Not really. I find that it
gets in the way of the message.

Come on, please?

I mean, look, I got
relatives in Tennessee.

You wanna sleep with a
20-year-old mother of four

that signs her Christmas cards
with a X, I can set that up.

No, I'm good, but we do need to worry

about the material
that you're gonna use.

I had the writers from the
show send some jokes over.

Oh, lay it on me.

My character's really
popular with mailmen.

When my mailman asked me to
sign for a package, he said,

"'Make it out to Jerry,
Thelma, and the twins.'"

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm calling to cancel for you.

Come on, man, that's the
bullshit you're gonna use?

Benny the Mailman?

I mean, I got some of
my own stuff, but...

I don't know, it's kinda out there.

Okay, well, what's out there

has to be way better
than what's in here.

So let's hear it.

All right.

Um...

so it was confusing as a kid

moving from Tennessee to Boston.

Like, when my teacher told
me that the Boston Tea Party

was a protest against
the king, I was shocked.

I thought she was talking about Elvis.

So I asked her,

"Well, shouldn't they be
throwing prescription pills

or peanut butter and banana
sandwiches into the harbor?"

That's it. That's it. Come on.

Okay, how 'bout this?

I've been working on this
all-white version of the blues.

It's about pain and suffering

and ruling the world.

Yes, that's what I'm talking about!

- That's solid.
- Yeah?

Now it's Ron time.

So this black girl thing...

You're on your own.

Ahh.

Cass, I'm really sad we're
not gonna meet your Eddie.

Yeah, Denise was hoping
that you bringing a plus-one

would take the focus away
from the bride being pregnant.

So, uh, tell us more

about this fictional guy you're dating.

Well, he is very real,

unlike your long-distance
relationship, Brock Rexford.

He may be made up,

but he's still the best lay I ever had.

Eddie's... he's really sweet,

and he loves me,

and he definitely would be here,

but he just started
working for Roy Martin.

Roy Martin.

Is he that tall guy
that makes the funny faces?

- Oh, him.
- Oh, you know who...

- Well, yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

But he does a lot more than that.

- Oh, wow.
- He plays Vegas and...

- Oh, that's a big deal.
- Oh, wow.

Sort of a big deal, but yeah...

- But that's him.
- Right.

Pam, who you bringing
now that you're single?

Ugh, not single. Divorced.

But I'm not bitching.

Larry did give me Georgia

and stretch marks

and a bladder that can't barely
hang on to a simple sneeze.

And you're next, Denise.

Oh, that reminds me. I need
that paperwork, Denise.

Oh, it's all filled out. I'll give it
to you when we're done.

What paperwork? Denise's dowry?

How many chickens we up to?

No, it's just some legal stuff.

Um, now that me and
Roger are getting married,

Sara's making us guardians of the kids

just in case something should happen.

Sounds like a smart thing to do.

Cassie.

It doesn't change anything, okay?

Jesse and the girls are still
gonna know you and love you,

and you can see them whenever you want.

It's fine.

I-I-I get it.

"Stable" is not a
word that comes to mind

when you think about my life,
and plus, you and Craig

aren't dying anytime soon anyway,

so doesn't even matter.

Plus, you're doing exactly what
you always dreamed of doing.

Dreams.

Aren't those the things you're
supposed to wake up from?

You're gonna be big.

Craig and I were talking
about it just the other night.

Did you even consider me?

Even for a second?

Cassie.

Don't make me feel bad about this.

You are doing what nobody else
we know has the guts to do.

Honey, and we are rooting for you.

We are.

So breathe in slowly.

And exhale.

And just let it all go.

Can somebody get that, please?

Yeah?

Sorry. Uh, is this Roy Martin's room?

Hey, Roy, your hooker's here.

You might want to dim the lights.

Not a looker.

- Hey...
- Again?

- A nine, king...
- Check it.

Check around. Go. You don't want that.

Nice belt buckle.

Thank you. Holy shit.

- Tom Shackman.
- Is that who that is?

Alan Lucas. I got all your albums.

- Can't return 'em.
- What about me?

You're the guy who
opened the fucking door.

That's right. Without me,
he's still in the fucking hallway.

You got something for me?

What are these, cheese doodles?
What's a cheese doodle?

Yeah, uh, you want it now?

No, Valentine's Day.

That way, we can do it by candlelight.

Of course I want it fucking now.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I... so I-I just...
I riffed on some topics

you, um, tend to gravitate towards,

like money problems,
depression, ex-wives.

Hey, look, we don't need
the fucking foreplay, kid.

Just put your dick in and move.

The autobiography of Roy Martin,
ladies and gentlemen.

It's a worst-seller.

My, uh... my psychiatrist
has me on so many pills

for depression, when
I go to the drugstore,

the pharmacist asks if I
need help out to my car.

Way too long, kid.

How 'bout my psychiatrist
gave me a prescription

for a noose and a bucket.

- That's punching it up?
- Way too terrible.

How 'bout this? I spend so much time

at my psychiatrist's,
he bought a pull-out couch.

So I could sleep there.

Put a sheet over it.
Time of death, 9:18.

Who doesn't love a joke
that comes with instructions?

That is the exact reason why
you toil in relative obscurity.

Allow me.

- No, no, no, don't do it.
- Oh, don't.

- Ohh!
- Fuck it.

Bunt single. What else you got?

My gambling has gotten so bad,

I made a bet with my bookie on
how many swings it would take

to break my legs.

- Okay.
- I like that one.

Hey, hey.

Okay, we're building something here.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Oh, a little close to home.
What else you got?

Uh, you know you have a gambling problem

when you go to the dog track

and a greyhound brings
you the newspaper.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

We have a gunfighter on our hands.

- I like it.
- Huh?

Hey, Phil, give him your chair.

Why do I have to give?
I got the fucking door.

God damn it. Here.

All right, I'll be over
there fucking myself.

Sit down, Eddie.

What else you got?

Apparently the short stack.

Yeah.

Are you bombing?

Well, different city every night.

Beauty of being on the road.

Well, I'm bombing here in Wink,
and I'm not even performing.

Is there a word for bombing in life?

There sure fucking is. He's right here.

Bill, we talking about you. It's Cassie.

Oh, tell her I loved the comedy special,

especially the bit about
the cow on the roof.

Oh, my favorite part was
all the dead parishioners.

- Jesus Christ.
- I'm just kidding.

Hey, you know, the same
shit happened to Dorothy,

and, uh, she turned out all right.

Yeah, but she wanted to go home.

Damn, that bad, huh?

Well, it's like It's a Wonderful Life

where the happy ending
is George Bailey drowning

before Clarence sticks
his big, fat nose in.

Maybe don't go to the wedding.

Eh, it's in my sister's backyard.

My sister-cousin.

When my parents died... whatever.

I-I'm in the wedding. I'm staying here.

So I gotta go to it.

Hey, is pee-wee with you?

You got off your ass and
came to the phone for that?

I was going to take a dump anyway,

and I usually kiss Ralph
before I go poop.

- Oh! Come on.
- My little baby.

- How'd you find us?
- Your manager.

How did you get him on the phone?

That fucker hasn't
returned my call in a week.

Maybe stop telling his receptionist

it's you when you call.

Very funny. How's Wink?

Great if you're into

the constant pitter-patter
of little feet.

I thought you said Eddie
wasn't with you.

- My God.
- Oh, come on.

You have no one to blame
but yourself on that one.

All right, here's Ralph.

Sorry about that.

We've been on the road way too long.

Oh, I missed you jerk-offs.

All right, well, I should go.

Everyone's already asleep,

'cause everyone goes
to bed at eight in Wink.

What else is there to do?
It's fucking Wink.

Say good night to everybody for me.

All right.

Oh, my God.

Think I've died and
went to black heaven.

- Oh, please don't dance.
- Too eager?

- No, too damn embarrassing.
- Right.

Ron Shack?

Oh, she said that like a question.

Shut up. Hi, uh, I'm Ron Shack.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to have you on the show.

I'm Gloria, one of the producers.

I apologize, when I saw you,

I just... all I could
think of was Benny.

No, don't worry
about it. Happens every day.

Uh, this is my dear, dear friend...

You'd almost call him my brother...
Adam.

- How you doing? Adam.
- Proteau. I know who you are.

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

Mind Your Damn Business.

You listened to my album?

Yeah, we all have, been
passing it around the office.

You're really talented.

We need to have you on the show.

- Yeah.
- Hey now.

Love your album, man.

White people's only black friend?

Hey, that's some funny shit.

Right on. Thank you, man.

Look, see, I got a friend.

He's not my only black friend.

'Cause, uh, I'm on a...
I'm on a black show.

Not this show, not this show.

- Uh, different black show. Uh...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Benny time.
- Yeah, right on.

Funny bit.

- Yeah, uh, Christine.
- Yeah?

Will you take Ron to
hair and makeup, please?

Christine will take care of you, baby.

Oh, great.

- Come on.
- Hi, Christine.

You know, it must be nice
making a little bit of money

at your age.

Just make sure you don't
blow it all on nice threads.

You understand?

Be honest, these are all
the nice threads that I own.

I ain't seen dime one yet.

Man. You know...

I was in the record business
ten years before this.

Doesn't sound right,
but familiar, though.

Yeah, producer said it
didn't sell like they hoped.

- Really?
- Yeah, so maybe

you and your friends can stop
passing it around the office

and buy your own copy.

No, I'm just playing.

- He's coming!
- Come on!

I'm afraid the single-man buffet's

a little light on quality.

- Hmm.
- Some slim pickings.

Hmm, well, I'm dating
someone these days,

so I was gonna sit this one out.

Good, because I thought
if I had to compete

with both you and Pam, I know
I'd be taking home the bronze.

And I do not want the bronze.

Don't sell yourself short, Janice.

He too young for you?

Oh, man. No, too old.

Oh, I had so much to live for.

You're fun.

You're fun.

I like the smell of caps.

Mmm, smoky.

Hey, I wanted to tell you something.

Can I get more caps?

Yeah, we can go to
the drugstore tomorrow,

get you some caps.

Listen, I-I'm sorry I
haven't been around more.

It's hard to get back
here because of my job.

Do you know what I do?

- Tell jokes?
- Yeah.

It's a little bit more
than that, but yeah,

I tell jokes.

I had to go far away to do it,

find people to listen.

Kinda seems like a silly job.

Yeah, I guess...

I guess it is a little bit silly.

I would love for you to come
hear me tell jokes one day.

Would you like to do that?

I don't know. What time?

I guess when you're older,

you could come stay
with me and we could go...

No, the caps. What time
tomorrow can we get my caps?

You can barely see my
six-shooters under my jacket.

Nobody knows.

You're not gonna tell, are you?

Not a chance.

- Uh-huh.
- Oh! Oh, yeah.

I didn't think you came here
just to escort that white boy.

Oh, no, I'm just here
for peace, love, and soul.

I see.

You know, every week,
there's somebody here

trying to impress Charmaine.

And it never works.

Got any tips other
than "just don't try"?

She's into astrology,
so if you wanna win her over,

you just talk to her about
her birthday and her sign,

because that's all she
really likes to talk about.

Oh, whoa, we actually going over there?

Yes, why? What, is shy your new game?

I've heard your comedy.

That's the man she needs to meet.

- And are you a Libra?
- No.

Well, you are tonight,
'cause that's all she likes.

Charmaine, Hi. This is Adam Proteau,

a very talented up-and-coming comic

who's just released his first album.

Hmm. You on today's show?

Uh... um...

No, we can't afford him,
but maybe someday.

And he's into astrology, so...

I thought you two should meet.

Mm.

No, that's what you said.

I asked him to leave.

Yes. Yes, I did.

No...

No, you didn't.

No, you didn't. No, we can't go back.

Who are you talking to?

Her dad.

Uh, I-I have to go.

Oh.

So this vow of silence shit
is just for my benefit, huh?

Her issue isn't with Sid.

Get the fuck out!

What are you doing here, hmm?

Some kind of vendetta?

Or is it a game?

'Cause it sure feels like a game.

Hmm?

You and Anne Bancroft playing charades?

Or is it some kind of
Chinese water torture,

drip, drip, drip on my
forehead till I go fucking nuts?

What do you want?

You want an apology?

Is that what this
pathetic display is about?

Little baby Amanda

wants an apology from her mommy, huh?

Huh? Huh?

Well, I am fucking sorry, Mandy...

that your childhood wasn't
everything you hoped for.

I was there too, you know?

Eating eggs three meals
a day after he left,

and he gets the phone call?

He gets to hear you talk, laugh?

I'm the one who's
owed a fucking apology.

I had no one to bail me out.

You try living under that.

You try getting out of bed with
the world on your shoulders,

two cents in your pocket,
and a crying kid

who keeps asking where Daddy is

and why do we have to eat in the dark,

when keeping the goddamn
lights on took a distant second

to everything else you needed.

I am sorry that I wasn't
there for you more.

I am so sorry that I
built a life for you

that split me in two.

I'm sorry that I didn't
build those butterfly wings

for the school play, or I'm sorry that,

Mrs. Foulihan took you to the hospital

when you broke your little arm.

I am sorry for all that

and the entire bag
of goods they sell you

to define what makes a good mother.

I am sorry.

I am so fucking sorry.

I'm sorry for all of it

and none of it.

Can you understand that?

Can you?

I'm so...

I'm so fucking sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry.

Don't. Don't.

I'm a firm believer in
astrological compatibility.

Yeah.

Yeah, me too. As-as a Libra,

I find that to be very, very important.

Libra?

Ahhh!

Fire sign, Sagittarius. I love Libras.

Air and fire are perfect together.

- No doubt.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so-so when's your birthday?

Thanksgiving.

Whoa! Okay.

So when-when is Thanksgiving this year?

Thursday.

Yeah, I mean, what's the date?

'Cause Thanksgiving falls on
a different day every year.

No, it's always on Thursday.

Right. Um, yeah...

Yeah, but Thursday isn't a day.

I mean, it's a day of the week,

but birthdays got a
number attached to them.

No, it's always the same day,
just like Easter Sunday.

Oh, you're really pretty.

Well, so he's-he's recently divorced,

he's got no kids,

and I hope he's not
expecting any from me, right?

'Cause this shop is closed.

Mm.

He does seem to like his bottle.

But he's an eye doctor. Ka-ching.

I'm willing to overlook all that, right?

- He's perfect for me.
- Mm-hmm.

Why do all the good
ones have to be cousins?

Mm.

What do we have here?

Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, my.

Look at Bo Peep.

- Oh, look who it is.
- Oh, my God.

Is this a mirage?

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we're supposed to be in Tucson

with some midget wrestling, but we said,

Wink, eight and a half
hours away, let's go.

You guys missed midget wrestling for me?

No, we didn't miss anything for you.

We came here for these
special ladies in Wink

we've been reading about in
the Pennysaver. Hello.

Yeah, where are all the
pigs and goats staying

while things blow over?

Oh, my guys. Get over here!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

I'm Ron Shack, and I'm white.

Actually, what's lighter than white?

It was confusing for me,

moving from Tennessee
to Boston as a kid.

Yeah, when my teacher told
me that the Boston Tea Party

was-was actually a
protest against the King,

I was shocked.

I thought she was talking about Elvis.

So I said to her, you know,

"Shouldn't they be
throwing prescription pills

or peanut butter and banana
sandwiches in the harbor?"

So my Benny character is
very popular with mailmen.

Yeah, that's right.

They love him. Mailmen love him.

In fact, the other day, uh,
I was signing for a package,

and my mailman goes, "You know what?"

"Just make it out to Johnny,
Irene, and the twins."

It's Benny time.

- Fuck Benny.
- Hey.

Can I borrow you for a minute?

Your album is number 92.

- What?
- I know.

But the producer said that...

Hey, that's HaHa Records,

that bullshit, low-rent label

that's notorious for
ripping off young artists.

But my agent said that
I just signed a bad deal.

No, even if you signed the
worst contract imaginable,

they owe you something.

That's two and a half
years of hard work.

I've seen this time and time again.

Okay?

It's the reason I left
the record business.

Ninety-two.

And climbing.

Hey, there's a whole
lot more inside of you.

Do you understand?

This is just the tip
of the iceberg for you.

And it looks like you're climbing

somebody else's charts too.

...than any other workers in the U.S.

Turns out "it's Benny time"

could be three to five years in prison.

You think the black folks' invitation

- got lost in the mail?
- No, it didn't.

Fucking Mayberry in here.

You wanna take a lap
with a water pitcher?

Don't want my guests getting parched.

Pam, did you happen to catch me
on The Tonight Show last year?

- No, sorry.
- Yeah, I was on Carson too,

just, uh... just before Bill.

He was right before me. That's right.

Except Johnny called
me over to the couch.

It's a very big deal,
actually. You got the...

No, you didn't get the couch.

That's right, you got a seating ovation.

No, it was great for Bill, though.

You know, he goes home and
his mom's waiting up for him.

She's just super proud. Big deal.

She has to stay up. She can't
go to sleep at night.

She's an insomniac.
It's actually very sad.

I know. I have to rub her shoulders.

You know, he likes to rub feet.

He's a big foot guy. Mom foot, yeah.

I like feet, especially toes.

"This little piggy went to
market" is like foreplay to me.

Hmm.

That reminds me, Bill,
I was supposed to tell you

to get penicillin when we got to town.

If I pick one of you guys,
will you both shut up?

- Yes.
- Sure.

- I pick you.
- Oh.

If he tires easy, though,
I'll come find you.

I can only hope.

Move along.

I'm gonna cut to the chase.

I came once letting
a man brush my teeth.

Okay.

Excuse me, everyone.

Excuse me. I know what y'all thinking,

"Oh, my God, the black population

of Wink just doubled."

There goes the property value, right?

My name is Ralph Carnegie,

and as you may have guessed,

I am the ex-fiancé of the bride.

Denise, you look stunning in that dress.

But white?

You've done some things, Denise.

That's true. That is true.

- I have too.
- I always remember

what I learned on that magical
summer we spent together.

How to sneak into an
all-white country club.

And if anyone should ask,
just say you're Mexican.

I messed with Texas,

and I lost a woman's heart,

but I gained a father's love.

Hal, where are you?

Father of the bride.

Or as he insisted I call him, sir.

I'm gonna miss our talks.

I'm always gonna remember
those life lessons,

know your place.

Stick with your own kind.

Man's a poet. Cassie? Where's Cassie?

Cassie, I would have been proud

to call you my sister-cousin-in-law.

It's really nice to
see where you come from.

And now I understand why
you like peeing outside

with a beer in your hand.

To the bride and groom.

Neecey, I'm always gonna love you, girl.

That's my time, everybody.
That's my time!

Okay, all right.

That's one of Cassie's funny friends.

So enjoy the cake.

I liked your set. It was funny.

Right, thank you.

You know, I was wondering
if maybe after the show,

you would wanna get high.

That's okay. Thank you, though.

I mean, are you sure?

The greenroom's empty. It would
just be the two of us.

Oh. Right.

Um... This is a little awkward.

What is?

You know, if I'd met
you on any other show,

I would absolutely take
you up on that offer,

but-but this is Soul Train,

and frankly, I'm here to
have sex with a black lady.

You're so funny.

You know what I'm saying.
Like, when in Rome.

Right?

You're serious?

You're here to sleep
with a black dancer?

No. No, come on.

It wouldn't have to be a dancer.

Your garden variety black woman is fine.

That is so incredibly racist.

No, it's... no, it's not.
It's the... it's the opposite.

If anybody here's a racist,

it's you for not wanting me
to sleep with a black woman.

- I never had any children.
- Mm.

So my undercarriage is tight.

Ooh.

- Tight.
- Hmm.

I mean, you put a lump of coal in there,

I walk up three flights
of stairs, and, boom,

you got a diamond.

Good God, I wish I had a lump of coal.

I'm staying in the guest house.

- Whoo.
- Whoo, I'm sorry. Sorry.

That's okay. Oh, that's okay.

Second door on the right.

If you get to the...

The-the bathroom with
the olive wallpaper,

you gone too far.

Tight.

Are you really gonna sleep
with my crazy Aunt Janice?

Me? Me?

- You.
- Bill Hobbs?

- Bill Hobbs.
- You think I'm gonna sleep

with a crazy woman who
I'll never see again?

- Ooh.
- Come on.

Ugh, so out of character.

I'm going to. I really am.

You okay?

Yeah.

It's just weird being here.

It's not weird.

It's just normal.

We don't do normal.

Do you have any regrets?

Cass.

Hmm?

This is the wedding talking.

What do you mean?

You know, I mean the ceremony
and the sparkly lights

and the "till death do us part."

Gets you all drunk and "what iffy."

Yeah, but what if...

what iffy?

Okay, let's say you have a regret

and then you do something that
totally undoes that regret.

You know what you got?

What?

A different regret.

Mm.

Hey, hey, how you... how you doing?

Uh, it's Adam. Proteau?

Yeah, yeah. Um, I w...

I was just wondering if, uh,

maybe you want to go to
dinner with me sometime?

Dinner.

Yeah..

Stop it, Jesse.

Jesse, stop it.

Stop.

Stop it!

Stop! I said stop it!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I'm really sorry.

- Jesse.
- Sorry.

Jesse, it's time to say good
night to your Aunt Cassie.

- I'm sorry.
- Come on.

- I'm really sorry.
- Cassie.

Cassie.

- Cass.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

Okay, all right. All right, now.

Wanna know a not-so-little secret?

Jesse's not her nephew.

He's her son.

You really should learn
to keep your mouth shut.

Well, now you know.

Come on.

Next episode of I'm Dying Up Here...

I fucked a bum today.

- Who's that?
- Dawn something.

As soon as Jessie was born,

- it wasn't about you anymore.
- You look wiped.

- A little tired.
- Why don't you grab a cup of coffee

- and we'll go again.
- I've got something you might

find a little peppier than coffee.

It's Benny time.