Original subtitles

Bumworth! Bumworth!

They're filming us, look. Oi!

Yeah, we're on TV, look.

BBC, yeah.

He's a fucking twat, don't film him. He's a fucking bell end.

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I'm so ill.

I can't even smell. I forgot what it's like to smell.

You just take these sort of things for granted, don't you? KNOCK ON DOOR

What's the point in knocking if you're just going to walk in anyway?

Fucking hell. Sorry, mate.

I'm so ill.

I'm so ill. You look like shit.

Is Uncle Nugget here yet?

No, he's not here.

Are these lot filming him, are they? Yeah. Cos I got this.

Yeah, let's see it then.

Took me ages. I'll hold it. No, no...

Hold it together. I'll hold it together, then.

Justice. Justice.

On March the 13th, 2009,

our Uncle Nugget was wrongly incinerated for having a laugh.

Incarcerated. And today he's being released and he's coming home so

we're throwing a justice party for him.

Well, the reason Uncle Nugget ended up in prison was because he was just

having a laugh, right? He was at Swindon bus station and one of the

bus drivers quickly got off the bus to go and get some change and Uncle

Nugget seen this as an opportunity to have a laugh.

So he quickly ran on the bus, there were still some passengers on it,

turned on the ignition and just drove the bus off and went round

and round the roundabout, for about four hours.

It was a miscarriage of justice though, cos what people forget is

12 out of them 20 hostages actually found it funny. Yeah.

I'd never, honestly never seen that many people crying in court.

Have you? Yeah. Tears of laughter, though. Yeah.

Kerry does look up to her Uncle Steve as a role model.

But...

I don't think Steve always

thinks very deeply about the example he might be setting her.

So we started the "He Was Only Having A Laugh" campaign because

we's the only one in the family that has sort of stuck by him,

haven't we? Yeah.

Cos our Auntie Pat HATES him.

She says she can't touch him with a bargepole, didn't she? Yeah.

No!

I said no.

I put it in the plant pot outside.

Oh, we got rid of that ages ago.

Oh, fuck knows where that is!

Oh, she'll just have to use this, then, That'll do, won't it?

That'll do.

Mum, I can't...

I don't know where the hammer is but I've found something else.

I can't wait to take Nugget down the Keepers for his first pint of

freedom. Last time me and him went down Keepers, yeah?

We got so smashed,

and when the pub closed he frogmarched me to the cashpoint,

made me get 200 quid out.

Which is a bit annoying but when Nugget wants something you can't

really sort of...

You've got to let him, cos he gets a bit cross.

And...

yeah, he spent it all on acid and knives, I think.

And a roasting joint, which he ended up stabbing with the knives.

But it was a laugh. I mean...

Yeah, it's annoying, but...

He's just got that charm, you know?

You can't say no to him.

God, we were... That was a mad night.

Same again tonight, I think.

I'll probably leave my bank card here though.

So, me and Kurtan are both cousins, right? And...

our Auntie Linda got married to Nugget

so he's our uncle by marriage.

And they had a really good marriage until one day they went to Ikea

and he brought back some, like, flat-pack furniture

and he was so mad cos he lost the instructions,

and he blamed her for stealing them,

cos he's very paranoid.

And he kept thinking that she was making him have Alzheimer's cos

she kept apparently moving his belongings, like his slippers.

The thing is with Nugget, you can be having a laugh with him,

and we'll be laughing, laughing, laughing,

he'll be laughing, laughing, laughing

and then suddenly he'll stop...

..and be, like, "What are you laughing at?"

Kerry, can you put the oven on, please?

Sweet, I'm starving.

You're not having any. What, why?

Cos you're a skav - get your own food. I'm not a skav.

I paid for this with my birthday money. I'm not a skav.

Well, get a job and pay for your own, then.

I have got a job - I babysit people's pets, thanks.

Yeah, how's that going for you? Well, it's early days.

You can have that if you want. Look, that.

Fuck off, mate.

There's nothing I hate more than when we go to the pub together and I

buy a packet of crisps and she takes them,

opens them up and puts them on the middle of the table to share.

I do do that. That's not her place to do that.

KERRY SIGHS

Cos I bought them for me, not to share.

Let it go. That's injustice.

Let it go.

But it was annoying. Also, when I put 50p in the it-box

to play pub quiz, I don't want your clammy fingers reaching over jabbing

the screen - "Mel C, Mel C" - when the question clearly states,

"Which of the following is NOT a Spice Girl?"

You know, we've got 15 seconds to answer the question,

enough time to confer -

you don't have to just jab, jab, jab.

We can choose the right answer.

Sorry. What the fuck? I don't know why I did that.

What the fuck? Sorry.

Mum, what have we got to eat?

What have we got to eat?

I am looking in the freezer.

What?

What?!

WHAT?!

(Shit...)

I forgot.

Oh, fuck's sake. Business going well then, Kerr?

Please can I just have some of your pizza, Kurtan? No.

So selfish today!

Oh, yes - turkey dinosaurs.

Yes... Is it all right if I have some, Kerr?

Yeah, if you give me a bit of your pizza.

That's...that's not a fair swap.

Well, don't have any of my turkey dinosaurs, then.

Yeah, but I'm the guest. Guest?

You're here more than I am, mate, and it's my fucking oven.

Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

You're letting the heat out, you lummock.

No, I'm going to take your pizza and put it on the bottom shelf.

What are you doing, you big oaf? Mine takes longer to cook, Kurtan.

That is just the way of the law.

Yeah, but my pizza, yeah, has to be top shelf

otherwise it won't cook evenly. Well...

OK, here we go, here's something for you.

Why don't you give me some of your crusts?

And then I'll let you have top shelf.

No.

Here we go. This is going to be my best offer. Right...

Because both of us want top shelf,

I suggest what we do is cut the pizza in half...

We can't do that. No, sorry. Why?

Because I eat my pizza from the inside out, right?

If you cut it in half, yeah, there's no inside to eat out from.

I don't use the basic slice system, Kerr,

which is why I get so fussy at Pizza Hut.

Why are you crying?

I'm not crying, I'm just...

so hungry.

I'm really sorry, Kurtan, but at the end of the day it is my oven so I am

going to have top shelf.

Just...don't cut my pizza in half, please.

I won't. Just chill out.

It's just a pizza, Kurtan.

Kurtan gets very emotional, but that's just what we're like in this family.

One of my first memories of Nugget is...

we all go round Nan's for Christmas Day and she was about to get the

spread on and he was like, Uncle Nugget was like,

"No, I want to watch Chicken Run because I've been waiting for this to come out for a year"

cos he loves Aardman Animations, and she was like,

"No, we're all going to sit round the table

"and we're going to eat the Christmas lunch."

So he absolutely kicked off.

He said, "Well, why can't I just watch it sat on my lap?

"And eat my food on my lap."

And she was like, "No". She's having none of it.

So he stormed in, he punched a hole in the turkey...

I started sniggering at this point,

so he just got...he literally got a ladle of bread sauce and, like, threw it across the...

across at me. It became a bit of a joke in the family cos the next

year we brought him Chicken Run on DVD,

and we thought he was going to absolutely love it and laugh,

but he really did not find it funny at all.

Shall I tell them about why he's called Nugget?

You can, but it's a bit boring.

No. Right, Uncle Nugget, yeah?

He's called Nugget because he went in this nightclub and the DJ

wouldn't play this song he requested so he got a knife, yeah?

Cut off half the DJ's scratching thumb,

threw it on the floor and some bloke came along who's just fucked out of

his brains, picked it up and ate it

cos he thought it was a chicken nugget.

He's called Nugget because his second name's Nuggins.

Where the hell did that come from?

Seriously? Yeah.

I think that's still part of...

Kurtan went through a very bad lying phase.

Yeah, I did, yeah.

That's the thing, I lied so much I still don't know what's real life

and what's plain lies. Mmm-hmm.

I'm so glad you're out of that lying phase.

There's injustices in this world, so many.

I experience it in my life every day.

Like, people look down their nose on me, like...

When I go into the village shop, Mrs Wicks just follows me around

like a stale guff, thinking I'm going to nick something.

Which just makes me so mad.

Yeah. Cos you can't nick anything.

Well, yeah, but she doesn't know that.

For all she knows I could be going in there to buy something.

But...you only go in there to nick stuff.

Yeah.

So your point is you want to go in the shop to nick stuff,

without being followed around by Mrs Wicks?

That would make my life easier, yes.

What?

What?

She's doing this all...

Yeah?

Right, I'm just going to watch something. This is winding me up now.

Yeah, I'll get some later.

TELEVISION: '..across the whole of your plate that I actually really, really like.

'The only thing I don't like the taste of is the celeriac puree

'and the chocolate and tamarind sauce.

'It's sweet, sweet earthiness and I can't get it to sit happily.'

She's not happy. 'I thought the dish was cooked beautifully.

'Your venison is wonderful and soft.

'Your celeriac puree is wonderful and creamy.

'Your beetroot - melt in your mouth.

'The crispness of your little rissoles, which crumble on the

'outside, they're really lovely and shredded on the inside.

'But the thing for me is, it all needs a little bit more seasoning.'

She's livid, look.

'The venison needs a decent...'

You know what? I actually can't watch this - sorry, Kerr.

Oh, no, don't. That is utter torture.

Can't take Gramps four hours to drive from Gloucester.

That's only a half an hour drive.

It does. It actually does cos he goes at 5mph

and he likes to be the only person on the road,

so whenever he sees a car coming the other way he just pulls over.

Yeah.

Don't do that.

God, Kerr...I watched the most fucked up thing last night. What?

It was this real-life documentary, yeah, about this Nasa experiment,

yeah, where they sent this monkey into space in its own spacecraft.

But when it hit a certain altitude

the monkey's head just exploded like a grape.

So they sent this other monkey into space...

Yeah? ..in its own spacecraft.

And they sorted the altitude problem out but,

cos the scientists were so obsessed with doing that,

they totally forgot to teach the monkey how to navigate its craft,

so he just got lost in space for all time.

Which I think is far worse, to be fair.

What?

Well, go to sleep then, Sue, rather than shouting down here

the whole time, you stupid old bat.

Oh, well done(!)

Yeah?

Me and Kerry's mum do not see eye to eye.

We've had some proper stand-up blazing rows.

Actually, just me stand-up - she's always in bed.

Cos, see, I live with my nan and we like things in a certain way.

We like to know where everything is.

But Kerry and her mum,

they're just like two pigs rolling around in their own muck.

Mum says you've got to leave.

What? Why? Cos you called her an old bat.

She is an old bat.

You've got to leave now, mate. Yeah...I heard her.

Bye, Sue.

I'm still here!

If you want to have a laugh but also be physically sick,

just watch Kerry's mum put her sandals on.

It's disgusting.

They're like two...

Her feet are like two blocks of spam, yeah?

And watching her trying to squeeze them into her Birkenstocks is...

Get your mum to say tomato.

Oh, no, not now. Please.

Please.

Mum!

What's in a BLT?

A BLT.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, what else do you have?

No, but what's the T stand for?

Yeah.

What?

What?

I can't stop thinking about that monkey. Yeah, same.

That's the thing, though.

They went through hundreds of them in the '60s.

And now every time I see a really bright star in the sky I can't wish on it,

cos in my head I'm thinking,

"That's probably just a spacecraft with some monkey bones in it."

Scientists, as well, taught this monkey once how to sign language

and it took them six months,

and after six months he finally figured out how to do it

and all he could bang on about was how his kids had been left in the jungle.

Is that Uncle Nugget now?

No.

Yeah, Nugget scares me sometimes.

Actually, to be honest,

don't tell Kerry this, but I don't really like him.

He is...

He terrifies me.

And I don't really want him...

coming out of prison, to be honest, cos he needs help.

I don't think he's getting the right help he needs.

And cos Kerry can't see it,

whenever he's around we just end up at each other's throats.

Is there anything in there?

No.

What did you just take out?

Nothing.

I seen you just take something out.

No, I didn't. Show me your hand.

The other one. Hmm? The other one.

What hand? I just seen you take something out.

I'm just going to the toilet... No. Why?

Open your hand.

Open it. There's nothing in there.

Open it. What...?

A knob of cheese!

You absolute traitor. That's my cheese - it's my fucking house.

I wanted to grate...

Ow! Sorry.

What the actual fuck?

I'm hungry. You...

Aargh...

Ow! Right, say sorry now.

Say sorry now.

Say sorry now, and then I'll let go.

No. Say sorry now and I'll let go.

Kerry, I'll go fucking apeshit. Say sorry now.

Say sorry now and then I'll let go.

Ow... Say sorry. Say sorry. Say sorry.

Say it.

Sorry!

(Absolute idiot.)

You wouldn't dare. Yeah, I would. You would not dare.

Of course I would. You eat that, right...

You eat that... You wouldn't.

You wouldn't throw that.

I would. No, you wouldn't. I would.

Don't you dare eat that cheese.

You eat that and I will smash this.

I promise you, I will smash you with this.

What the fuck?

Truce.

Truce, truce. You've lost your head. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Fuck! You switched them!

Did I?

Nothing!

Perfect! What the...?

No!

How has that happened?

Seriously!

I put it on the top shelf so it would cook evenly!

It did. It's just cooked evenly burnt.

Yeah, I can see it's fucking burnt, Sherlock.

I fucking don't believe that!

Do you want a turkey dinosaur?

Can I?

No.

Hello?

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, see you in a bit.

Is that Uncle Nugget?

No, it's my nan.

My tea's ready. Well, what about Uncle Nugget?

Oh, I'll just see him later.

And this. You've got to help me clear up all this.

Fuck that.

See you.

Well, it's his loss cos he's just going to miss out on

Uncle Nugget time.

I can't wait to see Uncle Nugget.

He is such a laugh.

He is going to make such great TV, I tell you that now.

Can't wait.

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