Original subtitles

Good mornin'!

For some.

Huh.

♪ I am the passenger ♪

- Morning! - ♪ And I ride, and I ride ♪

♪ I ride through the city's backsides ♪

♪ I see the stars come out of the sky ♪

♪ Yeah they're bright in a hollow sky ♪

♪ You know it looks so good tonight ♪

Huh.

♪ I am the passenger... ♪

Oh shit.

Shit!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh... Whoa!

Oh shit!

Hello there, stranger.

Oh! Hey.

This one, or this one?

Uh-uh. I wanna hear about the time

the Umbrella Academy defeated the robbers at the museum.

Again?

Okay.

It was a dark and stormy night...

Claire, it's Mommy.

Mommy?

What?

- Who the hell are you? - Patrick? Wh...

- Mommy! Mommy! - What's going on? Who is this woman?

Wh... Where's my baby?

You have ten seconds to leave.

- Where is Claire?! - Lady, there's no Claire here.

- You're scaring her! - I'm sorry. I...

Something is wrong.

Something is very wrong.

We're here. Hotel Obsidian.

We take all kinds here.

You have given me

the greatest gift of a lifetime.

You let me feel alive for the first time.

You helped me find hope again.

That's a wonderful thing.

You don't even notice the box that you're in

until someone comes along and lets you out.

- Can I help you? - Hey.

Thanks.

Old Holland Road, Pennsylvania.

Hmm.

Christ, what a dump.

That little delinquent is your son?

- Allegedly my son. - That's so funny!

Wait, who's... who's the mother?

- Lila. - Excuse me?

- Whoa, Lila's here? - Was.

She dropped him off in my lap last night then bolted.

- I don't much care for that one. - Don't.

Technically, she's family.

She was trying to murder us, like, yesterday.

Yeah, like I said, "family." Diego, is she coming back?

Well, she goddamn better be

because we got more important things to be dealing with right now!

Calm down. Shh.

- Where's Luther? - Who cares? Probably out for... a run.

Mmm!

Love the haircut.

So I, uh, talked to Marcus last night.

Wait, what? You talked with the enemy?

- By yourself? - Somebody had to do something.

Who elected you, Vanya?

It's, uh, Viktor.

Who's Viktor?

I am.

It's who I've always been.

Uh, is that an issue for anyone?

Nah, I'm good with it.

Yeah, me too. Cool.

Truly happy for you, Viktor.

But last time I checked, you don't speak for this family.

Okay, well, it's fine, okay? Marcus totally gets it.

He doesn't want a war any more than we do.

What are you talking about? He tried to homicide us!

- So did Lila, and you had a kid with her. - That's not the point!

We made a deal.

He's gonna give back Five's briefcase, then we're gonna get out of the timeline.

We're gonna meet later today for the, uh, the handover.

Oh, thank God!

That's a rookie move. Dude is playing you.

- Oh, really? - Yeah, but maybe we can use this.

And we turn it back on them, and then we wipe them the hell out.

Diego, stop, please.

And you're not gonna, like, do anything today.

Except bond with your spawn.

Alleged spawn.

I will get the briefcase,

and then we will all go back and fix the timeline.

Hey, we're not going anywhere! This is a perfectly acceptable timeline.

Yeah, why don't you tell that to Allison, who's upstairs grieving her daughter,

who doesn't even exist here!

Not to mention, we've been replaced

by a bunch of blobs and cubes and birds and shit!

News flash, geniuses! It's not about us!

Take a look around.

If you hadn't noticed, there's no doomsday.

There's no apocalypse. The sun is shining.

Birds are doing whatever the hell birds do.

That's all that matters. We're done messing with time.

And I'm officially retired.

Is he wearing aftershave?

I'm concerned.

Hey. What do you say we get outta here, huh?

Take a little... road trip.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a sojourn to the countryside.

You and me, the wind in our hair.

Thelma and Louise on the open road.

You know they die in the end, right?

Holding hands,

living our best life, my little cherub!

Listen to me.

I nearly died from Luther's sleep farts last night.

We need to get out of here, get some fresh air!

Okay, I'll bite. Why me, Klaus?

Because you said... you said you're retired,

and that's what retired people do.

And don't you deserve some fun?

- There's no lobsters. - Excuse me?

There were three lobsters in that tank a minute ago.

Yeah, well, you know, maybe Chet blended 'em into a morning smoothie.

- You're an idiot, but I'm in. - Whoo!

- Let me go! Get your hands off me! - I saw what you did!

Hey, what the hell are you doing?

Your son stuffed three mini muffins down his pants.

And this is a buffet! I can take whatever the hell I want!

I got him. Come on.

- Wait, take it easy. - Time for some ground rules.

How about no physical assault?

- That's a... - Shut up and listen.

My father was a Hall of Fame asshole.

And when I was a little pissant like you, I made a promise to myself

that I would never act like him to any kid of... mine.

Yeah, stop. I'm gonna cry.

But I'm a busy man, with a lot on my shoulders, okay?

So I'm not gonna let you slow me down either, all right?

Yeah, you look really busy right now.

You can stay until your mom gets back, all right?

But no more doing dumb shit,

or else you and I are gonna have a serious problem.

Look at me.

¿Me entiendes?

Dude, your

ear's leaking.

Oh, I...

Yeah, I forgot to pack my ear medicine.

Oh sh... Ear medicine, huh?

If I don't drain it, uh, pus leaks out, and it smells like cat puke.

Come on.

Whoa, whoa! Where do you think you're going?

Kid thing. I'll be right back.

No. I need you to stay put

and not do anything stupid until I get the briefcase.

Yeah, and you're not the boss of him, okay?

- Who... - Come on.

We'll get a few road sodas for the journey.

- Sometimes, you gotta clear the head out. - Guys, wait. Where are you going?

- Get the rats out of the maze, you know? - Come on.

Mom?

Why do people keep calling me that?

Where am I?

The Academy, silly. Everybody's waiting for you.

The Academy?

Ah, there he is.

Please, join us.

It's okay. Nobody's gonna hurt you.

- Smoothie? - Oh.

Yeah, thanks.

You must be starving.

Oh, uh...

No, I... I probably shouldn't. Is that cashew butter?

Cashew butter, almond butter, sunflower butter, tahini, Brazil nut.

Wow. You know what?

Now that you mention it, I am feeling a little bit, uh,

peckish, actually.

- Help yourself. - Thanks.

Wow.

So, we know you're Number One,

but we haven't been formally introduced yet.

I'm Ben, Number Two.

It is so good to see you again, buddy.

Why does everyone keep looking at me like that?

Because you've been dead for 15 years.

Dead?

What do you mean, dead?

Kind of a long story.

Anyway, I'm Fei, Number Three.

Alphonso, cuatro.

Sloane. Five. Hey.

- Hey. - I'm Jayme, Six.

That's Christopher, of course. Number Seven.

Oh, don't mind him. He's in a bit of a saucy mood today.

He wouldn't get it.

It's just so...

Wait, uh, what about, um, Number One?

- What about him? - Where is he?

That's what we'd like to know.

Are we playing a game?

Whatever game the Umbrellas are playing,

you're gonna lose!

You took our Number One,

so we took you.

Wait, we took Marcus?

Why would we do that?

Act of war? Death wish?

The last time we saw him, he was with your sister.

- Which one? - The little one with the big powers.

Vanya? Huh.

Well, I gotta say,

it does not sound like Vanya to go and kidnap anybody.

You know, having said that,

I am usually the last to know about these kinda things.

You're their Number One. Shouldn't you know everything?

I know. You'd think so, Ben.

Discipline has never really been our strong suit.

It's pretty much a free-for-all over there.

So, listen.

This sounds like an easy fix.

I'll head back.

I mean, my family's probably worried sick about me, to be honest.

And if they have your guy, I'll send him back without a scratch.

All right? No harm, no foul.

How's that sound?

Good?

Great.

What's the rush? Stick around till Marcus is back.

My family will come for me.

Wonderful.

In the meantime, make yourself at home.

Oh, and, uh...

before I forget, if you try to escape,

Fei's birds will peck your eyes out and make a nest inside your skull.

Cool.

So, what do you like to do for fun?

Hey, d'you get any sleep?

Brought you some breakfast.

I'm not hungry.

Come on. You should really eat something.

- This is all my fault. - Stop. No.

I knew something could go wrong if we came back.

I knew it, and I risked it anyway.

I left Ray to be with Claire, and now...

Now it's like she never existed.

And I don't even have a picture of her.

There might be a way out of this.

What do you mean?

Five's briefcase. I'm gonna try and get it back.

How?

I'm meeting Marcus again today. We're gonna do a trade.

"Again"?

- Yeah, I went to see him last night, and... - Alone? What were you thinking?

I needed to do something.

For you. For... For all of us.

What? What do you...

If you think I'm not coming, you're insane!

If you think I don't want you there with me, then you're even crazier.

Just don't give up yet, okay?

Since when are you the optimist?

Making a few changes, I guess.

The hair?

It's a bit more than that, actually, but...

I'll explain on the way.

Okay.

Berlin, here we come.

Uh...

Come on, work, you stupid briefcase.

I'm ready to go!

Mother! Cunt! Bitch!

Fuck off!

Why won't you fucking work,

you little bitch!

I need to get to Berlin!

Fuck!

♪ Oogum, oogum, boogum, boogum ♪

♪ Boogum now, baby You're castin' your spell on... ♪

This actually isn't so terrible.

See? Told you.

Come to think of it, my whole life I've been under the gun.

Missions for Dad,

working for the Commission, trying to survive the apocalypse.

I was always looking around every corner,

just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

- It's nice to just breathe. - Good for you, man.

Retirement is suiting you.

Oh! Uh... All right!

So, I've circled all the roadside attractions along the way.

- I'm not sure we're gonna have time... - We have the Brownsville Big Nickel.

Oh, Ricky's Bakery has award-winning pies.

- If you just let me explain... - Or there's this Cow Henge.

That's it... Don't...

Listen to me. Just shut up for two seconds, okay?

Just two seconds? All right?

Okay, I'm all ears.

We are going to Pennsylvania to find

my birth mother. Yay!

- Excuse me? - I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

I just needed somebody to come with me for emotional support.

Oh, emotional support, like a Schnauzer?

I knew you wouldn't come if I told you, so what was I supposed to do?

You're goddamn right I wouldn't have come, Klaus. You know why?

- Because I am supposed to be retired! - I know!

This was supposed to be a carefree road trip.

Well, it still can be, babe.

Ball of Twine? Klaus, turn!

- Ball of Twine! Turn! - What? Five! Five!

It is one of the best ones! Come on!

- Five, we're gonna die! Whoo! - I don't care! Let go!

You know what? No twine, no birth mother!

Why didn't you tell me sooner?

I didn't... Well, I...

Uh, I just... I can't believe I never realized.

Well, how would you?

No, I know, I just... I feel like such an asshole.

Hey, just... shut up for two seconds?

You couldn't have known 'cause,

I mean, I didn't fully.

Being with Sissy...

I don't know. She... opened something in me.

Showed me I'd never be free hiding from who I really am.

And after losing her, I realized...

I just can't live in that box anymore.

I won't.

You know, I always hated mirrors.

I thought everybody felt so strange in their skin.

I guess that's not true, right?

What do you see now?

Me.

Just me.

Thank you for trusting me with this.

You're family, Viktor.

Okay?

And there's nothing...

nothing that would make me love you less.

Come on.

Yeah, you know.

I don't know why, but I thought it'd be a lot bigger.

- Seems pretty big to me. - Ehh.

Here's the real question.

How do you know your birth mother is in Pennsylvania?

Well, because I was on the ass end of a two-week bender,

and I can't tell you the exact date

because we were boofing Xanax and the whole business,

but Amy Winehouse was at the top of the charts.

So that puts us somewhere, where? In the mid to late aughts?

I helped myself into Dad's office, looking for the key to his safe

'cause he had Pogo lock up all the stealables.

But instead, I found a treasure trove of our family history

told in expired check stubs.

Rachel Herschberger?

I was too messed up to, uh, do anything about it,

too scared to look her up.

But always in the back of my mind,

I wondered why she sold me off for three grand.

I mean, come on, she couldn't have held out for five? Six?

You see anything about my mother?

No. Sorry.

- Why now? - Well, duh.

Dad disowns us. Grace isn't Grace.

Ben's... gone.

Now just felt like a good a time as any to find out who I could've been

if I didn't grow up in this stupid family.

Well, can you really call what we had a family?

No. It's more like a...

Institute for Snarky Delinquents.

And not a good one at that.

But what is family? What is it?

It's like some kind of giant... ball of twine

that can never be untangled.

A giant ball of obligation I've been pushing uphill my entire life.

And the older you get, the bigger it gets.

- And the more you try and untangle it... - You watch it roll down the hill...

And what's the point?

Hey, I'm glad you came along.

You're a good brother.

All right, all right. You say nice things about me now.

Let's go find your stupid mother.

Love you too, tiny dancer!

Hurry up. All right? We gotta get back to the hotel.

Yeah, I gotta find the right one.

- Just get the no-name shit. - Have you tried the no-name shit?

No, because ears don't squirt juice every time I get excited.

Yeah, then trust me. I need my brand.

Jayme, get me munchies.

Oh, I found it...

- Go wait outside. - Why?

I'm about to kick this fool's ass.

- Don't worry. I got your back. - Go.

Well, isn't this a coinkidink?

Only dink I see is yours, tough guy.

- You followed me here? - Don't flatter yourself.

Leave now, or I'm gonna spank you like the little bitch you are.

Take your best shot, tubby.

Oh shit!

I know. Doesn't feel good, does it?

♪ Tell me quando, quando, quando ♪

♪ We can share a love divine ♪

♪ Please don't make me wait again ♪

♪ When will you say yes to me? ♪

Ah shit!

♪ Tell me quando, quando, quando ♪

♪ You mean happiness to me ♪

♪ Oh, my love please tell me when ♪

Dude, your chin.

It does that sometimes.

Stanley, no!

Goddamnit!

Ow, my leg!

- You getting how this works yet? - That's my kid, asshole!

Are you getting tired yet? Heart's getting weaker?

Not... even close.

- You all right? Where'd he get you? - I'm fine. I'm fine!

- Oh, you'll be all right. - Oh dear!

You're good. You're okay. It's not that bad. Stop crying, all right?

♪ To a joy beyond compare ♪

♪ I can't wait a moment more... ♪

Watch out!

That girl was gonna hork on you, dude.

Move! Get down!

- I can handle my own shit! - Yeah, sure you can.

- Fuck yeah! - Hey, watch your mouth!

Come on.

What? No way! We were kicking their asses!

"He who fights and walks away lives to fight another day." Okay?

- That's some lame-ass shit. - Yeah, I know.

♪ When? ♪

Son of a bitch! Klaus is Amish.

This explains everything.

- How does this explain anything? - Because look!

Look at this place!

This is everything my childhood was missing.

- Hey, uh, Klaus? - Yeah?

Wait up a minute.

Doppelgänger check. You feel anything strange?

Uh, itching, sweats, gas, anything like that?

No. No, I feel great.

Apart from the old rash on the tackle, but what can you do?

All right, good luck.

What? Wait, you're not coming?

This one you gotta do alone.

Alone?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I can do that, sure.

Hello there.

Yoo-hoo! Guten haben.

Mom.

Nay, English.

No mothers here.

Only rabbits.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I... I'm looking for Rachel Herschberger.

No Rachel.

Oh, okay.

Well, that's a shame.

Do you happen to know where I might find her?

- I'm trying to track her down. - There's no Rachel here.

Now, walk your fancy boots back to town where you belong, and leave us be.

Okay.

All right. No need to get your knickers in a twist there.

Caleb, let the boy speak.

You're upsetting the womenfolk, and now you're upsetting me.

No, that's not...

I'm not upsetting the womenfolk. Are you kidding?

Womenfolk love me.

Ow! Jesus Christ! What's the matter with you?

I... I thought you people were supposed to be nice!

That's what you call a misconception, English.

All right, fine.

Fine!

But I want you to know

that you have ruined the Amish for me, forever!

In here.

Ruined!

It's okay, Sarah-Beth. He's leaving.

This place is incredible!

We had the old lounge taken out and had this put in.

You know, I thought the home theater and the Zen garden were impressive,

but this is just next-level!

You know,

I always wanted the Umbrella Academy to be like this.

You guys actually do stuff together!

You don't?

Uh...

Nah, not really.

So, our brother died

when we were kids.

Number Six. Our Ben.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, and after that, nobody really gave a shit.

Everyone had their own agenda,

and it's like pulling teeth to get anybody to actually care.

And then, I guess after a while, I stopped caring myself.

You know, about training, the missions...

About... being Number One.

You're not what I was expecting.

- I'm not? - No.

You're actually really sweet.

If I could, I'd get out of here in a heartbeat.

Why can't you?

Why couldn't you?

Fair point.

This house, it's all I've ever known my entire life.

And I know there are better places out there in the world,

and one day, I want to see them all.

You know, I, uh...

I spent a little time on the moon.

What? That is so cool!

- You think so? - Yeah! The moon?

- My God. No one ever thinks that's cool. - Yes!

The moon, yeah!

So, tell me a little bit more about that family of yours

before they decide to come and rescue you.

Where are you guys staying anyway?

Oh, just some dumpy hotel downtown.

Uh, the Hotel...

- You're trying to honey trap me. - No, no, no.

No, of course. Luther, you're so stupid!

Oh, wow! You really think the moon is cool?

- Luther, I wasn't... - Duh!

I'm such...

Ben would like a word.

Go get cleaned up.

- Luther, I wasn't trying... - Sloane.

♪ Well, it's a cryin' shame ♪

♪ You don't even know my name ♪

♪ But every time you pass me by ♪

♪ Girl, it makes me wanna cry ♪

♪ It's a cryin' shame ♪

♪ I go inside the... ♪

What is...?

Oh, can't I get one fucking day off?

I wasn't sure what kind you like best.

You did create all of them.

Hey!

Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- I don't want any trouble. - No, no!

Hey.

You know Rachel, don't you?

She's my sister.

Oh!

Hey!

So, where can I find her?

Young man, she's been dead for over 30 years.

Oh.

So, but... how did she die?

Brain hemorrhage.

Took her quick, thank the Lord.

What about her son?

What son?

Wait. When did she die again?

She passed October 1st,

1989.

Oh.

- What's the matter? - No, it's just that that's my...

That's my birthday.

- English, the cows are missing! - You need to leave. Now.

- Oh! Oh shit! - Go now!

Listen.

You know how to use this briefcase, right?

Because last time Klaus tried it, he ended up in Vietnam,

and I can't handle another screwup, Viktor, I swear to God, I can't.

I know, I know.

Me neither.

Hey, Five is an asshole...

Yes.

...but he's not a monster.

When we explain what this means to us, he'll help.

He has to.

But first, we need to get that briefcase.

Here you go.

Five! Five!

Start the car, would ya?

Oh my...

Shit, shit, shit! Five!

Start the car!

Five! Start the car!

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!

- Why can't you just get along with people? - I tried. Really, I did. I tried!

- Wait, wait, wait! - Hold on a second!

- Take this. - What is it?

Rachel's death was unusual, and she wasn't the only one.

Come on! Get in the car, Klaus!

You have her eyes.

- English, go! - Klaus, it's now or never!

Klaus!

Go, go!

This whole timeline's chock-full of riddles. Get this.

My mom died here before I was even born!

- What did you just say? - Yeah.

He's not gonna show.

Something must be wrong.

Or he's blowing you off.

He's not the type.

And you know that after spending 15 minutes together?

We don't let your kind in here.

What did you say?

I said you're still here.

Do you wanna order while you're waiting for your friend?

- Yeah. - No, that...

I'll be back. No rush.

- Allison, are you okay? - I... I...

I don't...

One more story, Mommy.

Claire, honey.

Mom, I want a story!

I heard a rumor that you're really tired.

Allison, come on. What is happening?

Where is Claire?!

- I need to get some air. - Hey!

Where are you g...?

What are you looking at?

Hey!

Hey, I'm talking to you!

Oh!

Sorry.

Allison?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Um...

Let's go.

You were basically screaming for help.

I wasn't screaming. I was kicking his ass.

You couldn't breathe, but...

Doesn't look like your family is coming anytime soon.

Oh, no, I'm sure they're just,

you know, working out the final details and...

...such.

Relax. You're free to go.

Why?

Gesture of goodwill.

But I want you to pass along a very important message to your family.

Yeah, of course.

Let Marcus go.

And if any of you hurt one hair on him, we'll come for you.

All of you.

And I promise we won't be so hospitable next time.

Super don't like being threatened, Ben.

You'll do as we say, or else...

Birds. In my brain.

Got it.

Don't forget your tote bag.

Hope you enjoyed your stay.

Oh!

Excuse me.

I mean, who does that? Who does it?

What are you mumbling about?

Lila.

Dumping Stan on me after all these years?

I mean, that's not right.

Hey, man. If you did the deed, don't blame her for the consequences.

That's not the point.

Oh, what's the point?

He's cramping my style.

I need to be able to react to danger on a moment's notice.

How am I to do that when I'm playing wet nurse to a 12-year-old?

You're his dad!

Alleged dad.

Well, at least you have a kid.

Can I get another one?

Okay, gather round, people.

Where is... Where's every... Where's Luther?

- Haven't seen him. - Who knows?

Anybody know where... Okay, you know what?

We got bigger problems to worry about right now.

Like what?

This.

Who are they?

These are our mothers.

That one's mine.

They're all dead.

They all died on the exact same day,

October 1st, 1989.

- That's our birthday. - Not anymore, it isn't.

They all died before we were born.

That's dumb. If we weren't born, how can we exist?

- Exactly. - What are you saying?

I'm saying, when we jumped here, we created a time paradox.

All right? Not just any paradox.

This is the grandfather paradox.

What the hell is a grandfather paradox?

Psst!

Luther! Hey!

♪ Think about it ♪

♪ There must be a higher love ♪

♪ Down in the heart Or in the stars above ♪

♪ Without it ♪

- Whoa! What the... - ♪ Life is wasted time ♪

♪ Look inside your heart ♪

♪ I'll look inside of mine ♪

♪ Things look so bad everywhere ♪

♪ In this whole world ♪

♪ What's fair? ♪

Go get 'em, T. J.

♪ We walk blind and we try to see ♪

♪ Falling behind in what could be ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love... ♪

Hey.

- Shit. - Oh...

- Okay, now what? - Here. Yes.

Just need to...

Just... Yeah. Okay.

Um, I'm gonna take this from you.

We have to be quiet.

What the hell do you want from me?

I wanted to apologize for earlier.

Is this another one of your games?

No, you don't understand.

We were being watched.

What? By who?

My family. They're crazy.

But I want to let you know, I meant every word I said.

Even about the moon?

Especially about the moon.

Well, um...

Is anyone watching us now?

No. But I mean, we should be...

♪ We walk blind and we try to see ♪

♪ Falling behind in what could be ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪

♪ Where's this higher love ♪

♪ I've been thinking of? ♪

♪ I will wait for it ♪

♪ I'm not too late for it ♪

♪ Until then, I'll sing my song... ♪