All language subtitles for The Lovers 1973 1080p BluRay x264-GAZER

(upbeat music)

(baby crying)

- But we live in a permissive society.

- Not on this street, we don't.

- Everybody's at it.

- Not with me, they're not.

- Girls are supposed to
be crying out for it.

- Not this one.

I'm the silent majority.

- It's only manners these days.

Total strangers do it now
instead of shaking hands.

God is love!

- Jesus!

(wind whistling)

(horn honking)

(horn honking)

- [Sandra] We've never seen
him in real life, though,

only his picture in the papers.

- Oh come on, Sandra, let's go.

- No I don't want to. I want to wait.

- I've had enough standing
out here. It's stupid.

- But he might come in a minute.

- We waited ages yesterday,
and he never turned up then.

- But that was yesterday.
He might be here today.

- I feel really daft standing here.

Come on, we're supposed
to be going shopping.

Please let's go.

- Oh, no.

- I told you so, didn't 1?

I feel a right twit now.

- I don't fancy yours.

- Which is mine?

- Any except the blonde.

- Oh, good.

- We're being stared at.

- Where?

- Don't fancy yours.

- Which is mine?

- Any. Except the blonde or
the one with the yellow legs.

- Thanks, neither do I.

- Fancy the one with the twitch?

- About as much as Mao Tse Tung's granddad,

with all due respect, to his granddad.

- Ask them if they'll do a turn.

- Ew.

I thought we were given sex up

as a protest at never getting any.

- Ignore them.

- Hi.

- Hi.

-Ha ...

Peace, man.

- Were you hoping to see Georgie Best?

- He's in Majorca.

- Come on then.

- We only get an hour for lunch.

- There's a discotheque in Albert Square.

- Come on.

- I thought we were going for tights.

- It's our lunch hour.

- It's ours. We were going for lunch.

Shall I tell you something pretty

mind-blowing about Majorca?

It's one place I've never been.

- Pardon?

- I'm Geoffrey.

I don't happen to be attached.

- I'm Beryl. I don't
happen to be surprised.

(upbeat music)

♪ Don't you worry ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather may sound funny ♪

♪ But they go together fine ♪

♪ Every single time ♪

♪ Don't you worry ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather ♪

♪ First you're up there ♪

♪ On another plain and
then you're nowhere ♪

♪ And the tears are raining down ♪

♪ It's a runaround ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather ♪

♪ Sure can get you down ♪

- Not going twisting tonight then?

That's the modern name for it, isn't it?

- For what?

- [Mildred] Cutting a rug.

- Pardon?

- Grooving, Mildred.

It's called grooving nowadays.

Grooving and or freaking, right ?

- What I'm not doing tonight?

- Right.

- Right on.

- Are you staying in tonight then?

- Tonight, tomorrow night, every night.

I might sell me overcoat.

- Life's not all pleasure, you know.

- Mildred, don't hassle the lad.

Hassle.

It's a different world today, Mildred.

- We had a week's honeymoon in Blackpool

for what this Finney Hatty cost.

- They do their own thing.

- The usual 1,300 weight?

- Now that's the new
world that we worked for.

And fought for.

Full-page advert for contraception.

It's his birthright.

- I'm not hungry.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- It's the hip way cool
people say I'm not hungry.

(soft humming)

♪ La, la la ♪

(traffic passing nearby)

- I enjoy staying and
chatting as an evening.

I find it fantastically enjoyable.

No, really. I really do.

Some people don't.

I do.

- Beryl, please take my word for it.

Paul McCartney's never
going to ring that doorbell

and invite you to the pictures.

- Paul McCartney who?

- He doesn't know you've
been faithful to him

ever since "Hard Day's Night."

And please don't say Paul McCartney who?

I sacrificed too much
for your six O levels.

- Five.

- You were terrific in there, weren't you?

- I never touched you.

- Terrific self-control.

(baby crying nearby)

- What did you say your name was?

(light music)

(toy squeaking)

- Mind you, just a weekend
would do with you, Paul.

Not a dirty weekend.

A disgusting one (giggles).

Night-night, Percy Filth.

(light music)

(dog barking nearby)

- Have you always been insatiable?

(dog barking)

- It's not my fault.

It's just that I don't like blondes.

It's psychosomatic.

I'm sorry.

(dog barking)

- Ah.

(light music)

- Sandra.

Your hair's almost blonde in this light.

What's wrong?

- I'm just being brave.

- What about?

- Ending it all,

before we hurt each other too much.

- It's our first date.

- Probably wasted your
entire evening, haven't I?

- Not yet.

Not if your parents
aren't back till midnight.

- Don't you think you're too
old for this sort of thing?

Straight from Stanley Matthews
to Brigitte Bar dot you went.

Overnight.

That was when you were too
young for this sort of thing.

- It's artistic, Mother.

Like your Tutankhamun butter dish.

(light music)

- What?

- Got it.

- Got what?

- You now ask if I never
want to see you again.

I say I do.

You then stop crying quick as
a flash and say something like

how about Sunday, half seven,
outside Central Library?

- No, I don't.

Tomorrow, half seven,
outside Central Library.

- Then when I say okay, does
your zip miraculously undo?

- It does not.

- I thought it did.

Not until you've unfastened
the pressed stud.

- I can see her doing your ironing,

and cooking, and cleaning.

You wouldn't need to book
for the Christmas pantomime.

- I don't intend to marry her, Mother,

in case it interferes with my career.

We're just good friends.

- Good night.

- Miss Bar dot,

marry me.

You know what they say, once
you've had a Manchester lad

you never touch anything else.

(supporters chanting)

- United, United, United, United.

- About time and all.

- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Peace, man.

Did you have a good time last night?

- Great.

- Did you?

- Satisfied.

- I stayed in for a change.

Did you get much?

Did you?

(fans chattering)

Did you know that raping Princess Anne

was a capital of fence?

Not that I have done.

Stayed in for a change instead.

(turnstile clicking)

Ticket, I haven't got me ticket.

- We're late already.

- See you behind the goal then.

(supporters chanting)

- [Geoffrey Voice over] Well,
a night's beauty sleep's

done nothing for her, snooty old bag.

- [Beryl Voice over] Trendy,

crimson shoes with bottle green socks.

Must be going steady with a traffic light.

Still, who else would have him?

- [Geoffrey Voice over]
Anyway, they're all the same

in the dark, rumor has it.

- [Beryl Voice over]
Different girl every night.

I know the type.

- [Geoffrey Voice over] Probably an omen

seeing her before the match.

Bet we lose, three-one.

- [Beryl Voice over] Well I'm certainly not

making the first move.

At least I've got my pride.

- Oh hello.

- Oh, hi.

- Hi.

- Didn't see you.

- No, nor me.

- Are you going that way?

- Yeah, not especially, no.

Are you going there?

- Yeah, well, no.

I was sort of--

- Going to the football match?

- Are you?

- Shopping.

- Oh.

- I'm probably going to
the pictures tonight.

- I am.

- Which?

- Which are you?

- Any.

- I am.

- See you then.

- Tonight?

- Pardon?

-Oh, I ...

- All right then.

- Right.

(horn honking)

- Super socks.

- Did you see that?

- They're all on drugs,
the lot of them (coughs).

(crowd cheering)

(crowd moaning)

- Any score?

- Losing, three-one.

(diners murmuring)

(soft music)

- Excuse me.

(soft music)

Excuse me, I ...

I only go to restaurants
with deaf waiters.

Ah.

- Hi.

- Hello, mate.

- Peace, man.

- Surprise, surprise.

- Surprise.

- Been anywhere controversial?

- Pictures, "The Boyfriend."

She's slim.
- I'm just going to the um ...

- Oh, I'll come with you.

- Are you and Beryl, you know?

- You know.

- Oh.

(soft music)

(diners murmuring)

- Would you,

would you sort of reckon she's a

fair sort of bird, sort of?

- She's all right.

- I mean nothing sensational, obviously.

- Geoffrey, she's a bird.

- You having a coffee with us?

- No thanks, kid, Neville's ravenous.

- You've just eaten.

Oh of course, yeah, sorry.

- You see, what I think
Caruso was trying to do--

- By implication.

- Probably by implication

was to allow the images to
provoke a moral response

from our own aesthetic judgement.

You see?

- Yes.

Was he the errand boy?

- Was who the errand boy?

- Ken-thingy.

- He directed it.

- Oh, yes.

I was probably thinking of Andy Warhol.

- Probably.

(soft music)

- You're not like other
boys at all, are you?

- Well, I'm probably a little
more mature, that's all.

- It's over 200 yards from the cinema,

and you talked to me the
whole way, like a person.

Other boys seem to have
one-track minds these days.

- Sex.

- Marriage.

- Pardon?

- The number of boys that asked me to marry them.

- A couple of dates and, pow,
they want to get married.

I want to live a bit before I get married.

I suppose I just don't
have a hangup about it.

- Getting married?

- Mm.

- No.

Actually, I find girls,
most girls that is,

a bit obsessed these days.

- Not marriage?

- No, sex.

- Percy Filth?

- Sex.

- That's what I said.

Oh.

- Well I'm not like that.

- Not Percy Filth motivated?

- No.

- No.

(soft music)

- Did you want to say any
more about Andy Warhol?

- Ken Russell?

- Yeah.

(clock bell tolling)

- This is it.

- I won't come in, with
it being our first date.

- No.

- Oh.

- Anyway, me mum's gone to
bed. We'd be on our own.

- Is that a reason for
me not coming in then?

- Yes, Geoffrey.

- Nice house.

- Thank you.

- 25-year mortgage.

Well thanks for seeing me home.

Funny, isn't it, first date with someone.

It always leads to one of three things.

Either nothing, or something,

or everything.

- Don't think about Percy
Filth at this stage, Beryl.

- I'm not.

- No, I'm not.

- Night-night, God bless.

(key clicking)

(traffic passing)

I won't give you me phone number,

in case you think I'm one
of those scheming females.

- What is it?

- 327 double four 21.

The easy way to remember it
is, the three and the two

make five, which is two less than seven,

then two fours and half
of four, which is two,

and half of two, which is one.

-Um--

- But you mustn't ring
me if you don't want.

- No.

- But you can if you do.
- Do you want me to?

- Not if you'd rather not.

327, double four 21.

Night.

(light music)

(gasping)

- Well hello, Mrs. Battersby,

Beryl's brought you up a cup of tea.

- Oh me, all of me past
life flashed before me then.

Can't be Mother's Day.
You'd have forgotten.

Has there been an eclipse?

- Mum, I want the benefit
of your experience.

What do you think of Andy Warhol?

See, Geoffrey has this
theory that by implication--

- Who's Geoffrey?

- Of course, Geoffrey
knows about these things.

Ho, these things. Everything.

- Who's Geoffrey?

- He's fantastically intelligent.

See, Geoffrey's idea--

- Beryl, who's Geoffrey?

- Oh no one.

No one special.

His name's Geoffrey.

- How'd this Beryl bird
turn out last night then?

- What Beryl bird?

- I told him.

- Does she, uh, does she uh?

- What?

Wow.

- She doesn't then.

- You don't listen, do you?

I said--

- How about Sandra?

- Chips.

Jammy sod.

- [Mother] Not seeing him tonight then?

(laughing on television)

- Who?

I have rather better
things to do, thank you.

(laughing on television)

I said he was no one special.

- Have they got a phone here?

(dart clattering)

- Why?

- They haven't, have they?

- Do you want to get some
nookie lined up or something?

- If I did, do you think I'd
be playing darts with you two?

- Look, are you fed up here?

- Are you?

- We'll split after this game.

- Anything you say.

- And go for a few at the King's Head.

- Great.

(dart clattering)

- [Announcer] And that ends our pro--

- Well, Monday tomorrow.

- Hallelujah.

- Pardon?

- I don't know what you're
paying for that phone,

but whatever it is, you're being done.

Good night.

(light music)

(horn beeping)

(light music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Morning.
- Morning.

- John for pope.

- Long may he reign.

- Amen.

- What's going on?

- The pound's up again.

- Oh, God.

- Today's special.
Bloody travelers checks.

Here you are.

- Suddenly, everyone's going on holiday.

- Except us.

- Enjoy yourself while you're young.

(door closing)

- Why do we always to that?

93 times a day?

We never see anything.

(door closing)

(typewriter clattering)

♪ Early one morning as
the sun was rising ♪

♪ I heard the maiden singing
in the valley below ♪

- Is my typing not disturbing
your singing, I hope?

- Seeing Geoffrey on Sunday?

- Oh Geoffrey.

- That Neville's the greatest.

Is he dishy, or is he dishy?

Neville promised he's
going to take me to—-

- I'm considering packing Geoffrey in.

One date was enough.

- Why?

- He's Cancer, and I'm Libra.

- Is that bad?

- Hopeless.

Actually, I'm slightly off
the male gender at the moment.

(typewriters clattering)

- Five, five, which is, which is ...

Three and two's five, which
is two less than seven.

Which is ...

- I see the Spanish police are throwing

your lot out of Ibiza

- Bank clerks?

- Your lot.

- Football supporters?

- Hippies.

- Oh, my lot.

- [Operator] At the third stroke,

it will be 7:22 and 40 seconds.

(phone dialing)

It will be 7:22 and 50 seconds (beeps).

- That's it then, fate.

All over by 7:23 precisely.

So what?

Plenty more where she came from.

(phone ringing)

Is that the speaking clock?

- [Beryl] Is that Geoffrey?

- Is that Beryl?

- [Beryl] Yes.

-Yes?

- [Beryl] Hi.

- Hi.

(soft upbeat music)

- It's terrifically exciting, isn't it,

getting to know a person?

- Fantastic.

(soft upbeat music)

- I want to know all about you.

- That's what it's all about.

- For example, we have
things in common already.

- Definitely.

Like what?

(soft upbeat music)

- We're enormously fond of animals.

- Right.

- And we're both from Manchester.

(soft upbeat music)

Have you ever been abroad?

- No.

Have you?

- No.

Unless you count Istanbul.

- Is tan ...

Was it beyond belief?

- I don't know. I was only three.

- Do you ever get the feeling
you've been somewhere before?

- Sometimes.

-I do.

- What, now?

- No, just sometimes.

- Yes, I do.

Such a lot, isn't there?

In getting to know.

- Mm.

- [Beryl Voice over] He
was lithe and easy-limbed.

His stride quietly casual,
his eyes clear and confident

and his strong mouth ready to break

into a relaxed, assured, lopsided grin.

- You know, Geoffrey, you
have a really lopsided grin.

Really, you know, lopsided.

- I don't think I have.

- It's in the eye of the beholder.

See?

- Geoffrey doesn't need someone
else when he's tying a knot.

He holds it down with his little finger.

Must be marvelous being a man.

- It's okay, I suppose.

- Men can do anything.

Conquer Everest, do heart transplants.

Become leader of the opposition.

Anything.

(birds chirping)

- Geoffrey, N-O spells no.

- It's good for your circulation, Beryl.

Read any women's magazine.

It's good for theirs too.

- I'm not sure they recommend
Percy Filth on Tuesdays.

- I only see you on
Tuesdays and Saturdays.

- Or Saturdays.

- Beryl.

Oh, Beryl.

- Oh, Geoffrey Bubbles Bumble.

- Oh, Beryl.

- Oh, Geoffrey.

- Oh! Beryl.

- Are you all right?
What exactly happened?

Don't tell me.

- I just had a sharp
attack of dramatic irony.

- Pardon?

- Come back.

They're better, it's better. I'm okay.

(thunder banging)

- I told you, it's going to pour.

- It's not.

(rain falling)

- There.

It's only the angels crying.

- I know how they feel.

- Well don't blame me.
I haven't done anything.

- That's true.

- That's not true,
Beryl. I have apologized.

I keep going down on me knees
when I'm talking to you.

Independent observers
thinking I'm training

to be a Cossack dancer.

- It must be a bad line. I can't hear you.

You better apologise again.

- I apologise again.

- Gosh, this lousy line.

- [Mother] How would Geoffrey
like to come to tea on Sunday?

- Pardon?

- Is that who I think it is?

- No, dear.

(birds chirping)

- Well, isn't this nice?

- Sardine sandwich?

- Are they all sardine?

- Yeah.

- She got her own trawler?

- Isn't it awful?

- What?

- I was speaking to Geoffrey.

What's happening in the world,
I blame the politicians.

- What for?

- For what's happening. In the world.

(birds chirping)

- Talk to her.

- I don't speak Portuguese.

- Tasty?

- They're in oil.

- That's enough. She's got a bad leg.

- The bread's extremely wholesome.

- I have this little baker down the road.

He does something with the bleach.

- Yes.

- I can't do a lot of conversations

about sardine sandwiches.

My mind goes blank.

I start thinking about life after death.

- Oh, that Neville, honestly.

Number of hearts he must a broken.

Every girl in Manchester nearly.

- Geoffrey definitely
has, probably even more.

Air hostesses,

all sorts.

- Tell me about your
terrible past, Geoffrey.

- I haven't had one yet.

- White man speak with forked tongue.

- Actually, I was hoping
more for a terrible future.

(sighing)

- Wow, is that the time,
at this moment in time?

- What have I done?

- Is Neville the insanely jealous type?

- Not in the slightest.

- You're lucky.

- Why, is Geoffrey?

- Wow.

- You're not jealous of
all my ex-flames, are you?

- Of course not, why should I be?

- Please stop interrogating
me, Geoffrey. Forget it.

That's all in the past.

They're nothing to be jealous about.

Who needs drama?

- So I shouted back at her,

No shop assistant shouts at me, I shouted.

And then Neville nearly
belted me for swearing.

- He thumped you? Walloped you one?

- No. I said nearly.

- You'll never thump me, will
you, like Neville does Sandra?

She adores it.

- Of course not.

- No.

Geoffrey, Percy Filth isn't
the only thing in life.

- It isn't even one of the things in mine.

- You used to talk to me.

- All right, let's talk.

- Geoffrey, I've just
had the most super idea.

- Why, is your mum going out?

(Mother singing)

- May as well pack it in really.

- Why?

- Why not?

(Mother singing)

- Good thinking.

Thanks for a stimulating few weeks.

- You too, it was real ...

- Psychedelic?

- You can keep me Grateful Dead LP.

It was scratched anyway.

- It's been a gas.

- Groovy.

I won't wave from the window.

- No, I won't look back anyway.

- Good.

- It's been a gas.

- You've said that once.

- You're well rid, Beryl.

There's plenty more fish in the sea.

- About three very lonely sardines.

- Mother, please don't try
raising one eyebrow at me.

You know you can't do it.

(upbeat music)

- [Beryl] You'll never thump
me, will you, Geoffrey?

Ow!

- [Geoffrey] Beryl, I've
just had the most super idea.

- [Beryl] Are we going to Percy Filth?

- [Geoffrey] No, we're
going to pack it in.

- [Beryl] Don't say that,
please don't say that.

- That.

- Sandra?

- Sandra.

- Your Sandra?

- Mine.

- Two months?

- Two months, nine days.

- Is she positive?

- The test was.

- What are you gonna do?

- She'll think of something.

- Sandra, it's stupendous.

Congratulations, I hope
you'll both be very happy.

- Oh thanks, kid.

- Sandra, I don't know how you do it.

- Often.

(engine humming)

(soft upbeat music)

- John for pope?

- Long may he reign.

(light music)

- Aren't you, uh?

- Yeah.

And you're, uh?

- That's right.

- Going somewhere incredible?

- I'm meeting me parents.

Taking them to see "Fiddler on the Roof."

- That's pretty incredible.
Your Mummy and Daddy?

- Uh, hell, no, that's tomorrow.

If I'm in the mood.

- Where are you off?

- Depends where you take me.

(burlesque music)

- What I was saying about your
friend with the glasses ...

- Roland.

- Roland, is that I found
him intellectually unaware

and psychologically incredibly boring.

- He's not bad at snooker.

- And how are you and little Beryl?

- Didn't she tell you?

- I don't work there anymore.

- I packed her in.

- Good.

(men catcalling)

Does she turn you on?

- Beryl?

- Her.

- I hadn't really looked.

You seen one, you seen them all.

- Not quite all.

I'll go and get me coat.

(burlesque music)

- Must be me birthday.

- Boys aren't the only
thing in life, Beryl.

I do wish you'd find one.

They aren't all after Percy Filth.

Yes they are.

(moaning)

- Oh, you were terrific on the bus.

-Was I?

(moaning)

- Terrific self-control.

- Joan of Arc never married,

yet she led a fully and happy life.

Or am I thinking of someone else?

- Mother, I don't happen
to be interested in boys.

I happen to be interested
in having early nights

and writing poetry in bed
with me new felt-tip pen.

- It's run out of ink. I
used it for my laundry list.

- My God, your generation's
got a few things to answer for.

(moaning)

- Please. Don't.

Please, you can't ravish a
girl on her own doorstep.

(baby crying)

- Let's go inside then.

- Smooth-talking bastard.

(door opening)

- It is me birthday.

- What about the boy with the freckles

from Shakespeare Crescent?

- I don't believe that question.

- You used to be crazy about him.

- I was 11 years old.

He used to let me choke on his tortoise.

- What's your name again?

- What's yours?

- Rock.

- That's not your real name.

- No, Steven.

- Ooh, God, that turns me on.

(moaning)

When I first met you in the street,

I thought just a quiet drink and a chat.

- Shows you the art of
conversation isn't dead.

(moaning)

- Mm.

Don't move a muscle, however gorgeous.

(pants zipping)

- Testing.

Oh, Geoffrey, many happy
returns of the day.

I wish you everything
you've ever wished yourself.

(pants zipping)

- I'm fed up.

- Who are you?

- What are you fed up about?

- Teachers don't have to do homework.

- No.

- They just mark it.

Anyone can mark it.
They've got the answers.

- Do you know it's after two o'clock?

- What's he doing here then?

- Well, this is your uncle Steven.

This is my revolting brother, Jeremy.

- How do you do?

- Do Mum and Dad know he's here?

- Jeremy, bed.

- I could always wake
them up and tell them.

- Jeremy, little boys need sleep.

- Even big astronauts.

- Do you know where babies come from?

Do you?

- Say no.

- No.

-I do.

- Say yes.
- [Jeremy] Shall I tell you?

- He knows.

- The man has this male
organ and some blood cells

and erectile glands, and
there's these 500 billion

spermatozoas in these
testes that he has as well.

And they go through his
male organ into the female

uterus that the lady has.

- Who told you that?

- Then they go through the
Fallopian tubes after that.

One of them fertilizes with a female egg.

The others don't bother.

Anyway, that's what you have to do.

And then you have a baby.

- Did they teach you that at school?

- They were doing woodwork
in the next class.

People can only make babies
at certain times of the year.

But animals, like dogs and
cats, and rats I think,

do it all the time.

- No, um,

that's people.

- What is?

- Well, people do it all the time.

Whenever they feel like it.

- In the next class you can do metalwork

if you don't like woodwork.

- Good night, Jeremy.

25p?

- 50.

- 50.

- Good night, Uncle Steven.

(door opening and closing)

- Would you care for a
government health warning?

- [Father] Hey, Veronica.

- Yes.

- [Father] Who in the hell is Uncle Steven

at 10 past two in the morning?

- A friend of Jeremy's. He's going now.

Good night, Love.

- Look, we would have
done that, wouldn't we?

- And how?

- You can't win them all, can you?

- Anyway, do you good
going without for a change.

Still, there's always another day.

- Tomorrow?

- No.

- Tomorrow's another day.

- Sh, sh. Not unless you
happen to be in Plymouth.

- Where?

- I'm joining the WRENS for three years.

- What WRENS?

- The Royal Navy's WRENS.

This time tomorrow, I'll be
in barracks with about 50

other girls and 30,000 sailors.

Hope I like it.

- Well, thanks for nearly everything.

We definitely would
have done, wouldn't we?

- Well obviously.

- We as good as did, in
a way, really. Almost.

- Just keep telling yourself
and we will have, only better.

Good night, Love.

- Ciao, Beryl.

(fish tank bubbling)

- Morning, previous generation.

What's for breakfast?

- You knew it was your mother's birthday.

Now, what we would like
to know is where were you

when we were fiddling on the flaming roof?

- I'm sorry, Mum.

I'll take you out another
night. Something cropped up.

- Like what?

- Dad, you understand.

- I don't, Geoffrey.

- Well you always say you do.

- Geoffrey, you're at it every night.

- Yes, Dad.

- And we don't complain.

- No, Dad.

- But last night was different.

- I knew you'd understand.

(light upbeat music)

- John for pope.

- Long may he reign.

- Amen.

- What's going on?

- Pound's down again.

- Opened down like a pair of knickers.

- You should know.

- Or me.

Know what I mean?

What a night.

Wow.

The lot.

Including action replays in slow motion.

Hey, lads, I picked up a
bit of spare last night.

- Who didn't?

- No, it's true.

- Yes, Geoffrey.

- It is.

- Yes, Geoffrey.

(keys punching)

- Bloody is.

- Poor Geoffrey.

- Beryl, please, it's Neville's
engagement party as well.

We had to invite him.

- He'll see me. It's cruel.

- He'll see other girls.

- I shan't take him back, Sandra.

I shan't.

- It's been two weeks. He
may have got over you by now.

- Don't know much about men, do you, love?

(upbeat groovy music)

- [Beryl Voice over] It was
doing him a kindness, really,

finally splitting up.

He only had one ambition in life.

Send my knickers to Oxfam.

- [Geoffrey Voice over] Good job
she hasn't joined the ranks.

The entire Navy would go on strike.

- [Beryl Voice over] I
expect he's sorry now.

I won't even consider
taking him back if he isn't.

- [Geoffrey Voice over] She
might have changed, of course.

If she has, I might let her
be in an orgy now and again.

- [Beryl] He's got to accept
we've finally split up.

Otherwise, I definitely
won't take him back.

- [Geoffrey Voice over]
Well I'm certainly not

making the first move.

At least I've got me pride.

- Hello, Beryl baby.

- Oh hi.

- Didn't see you.

- No, nor me.

And how's Manchester City doing

without me cheering them on then?

- United. We're winning every game now.

- Ah, good.

And what's new with Geoffrey then?

(upbeat groovy music)

I asked you what was new with you.

- I answered you.

(upbeat groovy music)

- Did you?

- Need I say more?

- Pardon?

- How's Beryl baby getting on then?

- Geoffrey, I'm not all that ecstatic

about you calling me Beryl baby.

It isn't like you.

- You can say that again, Beryl baby.

- What's your name, handsome?

- You'll laugh. Everybody laughs.

It's the story of my life.

- You tell it like it is, chum.

(upbeat music)

- She's putting on an act.

- What do you care?

- I don't.

(dramatic music on television)

- Is she going to get
into bed with him now?

- Probably.

- Geoffrey always looks
half asleep these days.

- Well, it's very exhausting.

- What is?

- Working at a bank.

- Oh.

(upbeat groovy music)

- Hi. Had this bad scene.

This chick decided to split.

So I cut out, man, like
there's no tomorrow.

This cat gets it together
where he's at, man.

Lots of beautiful bank, baby.

So if you want a piece of the action,

don't cool it.

Dig?

Hm?

- I'm sorry. I no understand English.

(party-goers chattering)

- Gesundheit.

- I thought she'd only just
been to bed with the other one.

- She has.

- And which is her husband?

- Neither.

- It's warming up, isn't it?

(soft upbeat music)

- Great beat, isn't it?

Great to dance to.

- Do you agree that life's an onion?

- Pardon?

- If so, what's death?

-Um.

- A banana.

-Yes, I expect it is
when you think about it.

- Have you read Schopenhauer's
"Concept of Existence"?

-Um.

No.

But I've seen the film.

- Are you married?

- No.

- Grab yourself an adage.
Marriage is a cabbage.

- Are you a poet?

- Never ask the questions.
Ask the answers.

- You are a poet.

- To any manager marks expenses.

Ciao.

- Arrivederci.

- Now he's taking his clothes off.

What's on ITV?

- This.

- What's on BBC?

- "Casanova."

- What's that like?

- This.

- Come on now. You know
that's not where it's at.

Let's get this word for word.

Let's get it clear.

Let's get down to the real
nitty gritty's fill, okay?

(upbeat music)

Women's lib is not about
burning bras. Papers, yeah.

- What papers?

- Marriage certificate, dog's license,

whatever you prefer to call it.

- Let's be basic about this, Enid.

All girls want marriage, and a baby.

- Really basic. You
want to be really basic?

- Utterly basic.

- Balls.

- Grass?

- Enid, when Sandra says every
girl, she means most girls.

Like herself.

Not me, of course, because I incredibly

value my independence, but
most girls definitely want--

- Balls.

- If you can't conduct an
intelligent conversation

without recourse to--

- I'm not re-coursing to anything.

I'm merely telling you what girls want.

- What?

- Balls!

- Whoa.

- Would you please stop saying that?

- You believe in free love, right?

- Wrong, I believe in free everything.

Freedom from all male
chauvinist pig domination.

Honestly, don't you understand?

- Excuse me, you've got your hand on me.

- Beryl, grass?

- No thank you.

- Excuse me, excuse me,
you've got your hand on me.

- No!

- Oh!

- Oh, sorry. Wow, man, sorry.

- It's all right.

It's a pleasure.

- Grass?

- Geoffrey, you're not to.

- Why not?

- I said don't. You're not to smoke it.

(soft saxophone music)

(coughing)

- Oh wow (laughs).

- We're as liberated as you, Enid.

- We have equal importance as individuals.

- Neither of us is boss.

- Just doesn't rise.

- Go make some coffee, dear.

- You see, what we believe is--

- Now.

- Right.

- You see--

- Well one.

I can see there's only
one way to get through.

- What are you doing?

- Lighting everybody's fire.

Burn my bra.

- Right, that's it, finished.

The end. Full stop.

We're finally split up.

Neville, Sandra wants
you, I should imagine.

- [Enid] Sad, isn't it?

- Pathetic.

- Well I can't follow plays these days.

- It's just showing real life, that's all.

(violin music on television)

- I once thought I'd found her.

The perfect girl.

Red hair.

Not too skinny.

Very gentle and shy.

Passionate when aroused.

She packed me in for picking
me teeth with a matchstick.

- You're very sweet, Roland.

- I've always thought you were.

- Did you know you very
nearly have a lopsided grin?

- It's just I'm a bit tired.

- No, it's nice.

(saxophone music)

(dish clattering)

I don't think I've washed that one.

- Oh, sorry.

- Do you know--

- What, Beryl? You can ask me anything.

- Do you know where Geoffrey's got to?

(saxophone music)

- He's upstairs, I think.

(upbeat music)

Is it true they dry on their own?

- Usually.

(upbeat music)

- Oh.

I hate to be any trouble,
but I think I'm dying.

- You'll be all right, honest.

- She said I shouldn't smoke it.

- Who?

- She said.

- Geoffrey?

Geoffrey?

(knocking on door)

(woman laughing)

Sorry.

Geoffrey?

(Geoffrey moaning)

- [Enid] Move up a bit, Geoffrey.

With your legs.

That's better.

It's because it's your
first time, isn't it?

(sobbing)

- Call Dr. Weisberg on Crums Mill Road.

- It wasn't marijuana, you know.

- What was it then?

- Grass.

- Grass is marijuana.

- This grass wasn't.

It was the real thing.

From the front lawn.

(door slamming)

- Is that you, Beryl?

Had a nice time?

Even though it's three
o'clock in the morning.

Not that I mind, if
you've had a nice time.

Even though I've been in bed since 10

having a good night's worry.

Did you see Geoffrey?

(footsteps ascending)

(door slamming)

That's good.

(soft music)

- Do you ever get the feeling
you're trying too hard?

- I didn't try at all.

Gave it a rest.

(soft music)

I'm right off birds.

- I am.
- I am.

- [Roland] For good.

- [Geoffrey] Me too.

- [Roland] And me.

(soft music and singing
in foreign language)

- Good morning. Your mother
would like to know if you have

a reservation at this hotel.

- Good night.

(soft music and singing
in foreign language)

(sighing)

(moaning)

- Beryl.

Beryl.

Geoffrey.

Can I rip your trousers off
and have my way with you?

(door creaking)

Oh, Beryl.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Oh God.

(upbeat dramatic music on television)

- Hello.
- I'm off.

- Will you be requiring
the room again, sir?

Because we're thinking
of taking in bookies

for the next pop festival!

Bugger.

I don't know who he takes after.

(phone ringing)

- Hello.

- [Beryl] It's me.

- Who?

- My God, that's symbolic.

- Oh, hello, Beryl.

- I'm just ringing to
tell you I never want

to see you again.

If you ever phone or call, please don't

because I shan't be in.

Tonight or any other night.

Anyway, tonight I'm helping me mum

at the school jumble sale.

(soft music)

(shoppers chattering)

- Small world.

Good evening, Mrs. Battersby.

I was looking for a nice lampshade.

- Oh?

- Probably this one.

Definitely, magic in satin.

- Oh certainly, Geoffrey.

Look who's here in his nice crimson shoes.

You'd like some nice fancy
wrapping paper, wouldn't you?

- I'm a child of the universe, Beryl.

I have a right to be here.

- I'm afraid we don't
sell marijuana on Sundays.

Try the co-op.

- Beryl, listen.
- If you can smell burning,

it's just the vicar's been
round burning his jockstrap.

- Beryl, listen.
- Can I help you, madame?

- Have you got that in another color?

- No, madame.

- I'll leave it then.

(shoppers chattering)

- Listen to what, for heaven sake?

- Doesn't matter.

- What doesn't?

- You wouldn't anyway.

- Wouldn't what?

- Go to the match with me on Saturday.

- Me? A football match?

With 40,000 skinheads and you?

- Told you.

- Who are they playing?

- Huddersfield Town.

In the Cup.

- I've always wanted to
watch Huddersfield Town.

- They're, they're fourth from the bottom.

- Shows you.

- Away from home, they've won three,

drawn five and lost 12.

- Drawn five.

- So what do you think?

- I think I nearly love you.

(crowd chattering)

(whistle blowing)

(crowd chattering)

- Never mind, it's only a game.

- I thought you said you nearly loved me.

(crowd chattering)

- Boo, ooh, get out.

- I don't recall Grace Kelly
enticing Prince Rainier

by going to watch United, I may be wrong.

- Grace who?

- We live in a permissive society, Beryl.

Read any color supplement.

- Mother, you're supposed to be my mother.

- I am, love, and it wasn't through

going to football matches.

- You are the same mother that
makes me tug me skirt down

every time I stand up even
if he's only on the phone?

- Yes, well, boys are very
sick, and I am your mother.

- That's what I said.

- I don't mean permissive permissive.

Romantic.

- Pardon?

- Kissing, cuddling,
things of that nature.

- Oh we do.

- Do what?

- What you just said.

- Good.

Not too much, I hope.

- Oh, God.

- Boys are very funny.

- They're novices compared to mothers.

- Did I tell you that
two new people have moved

into the house opposite
with the green curtains?

- Oh.

- Two new people have moved
into the house opposite

with the green curtains.

- Fantastic.

- The Cowgills.

Mr. and Mrs. Cowgill.

Married couple.

Newlyweds.

Not long married.

You'll go bald doing that.

- Doing what?

- Did I tell you 28
stockbrokers have moved

into the office opposite
with the dirty curtains?

Living in sin.

Can you say one single sentence

without the word marriage in it?

If I said to you, do
you think Cassius Clay

would have beaten Rocky Marciano,

would you say what's it matter

so long as they're happily married?

- I don't think so.

- Beryl would.

- Giving you a bad time, is she?

- I wouldn't say that.

- I haven't even mentioned the word.

- What word?

- Goodness me, a single
person can have a relationship

with another single person
without everyone thinking

she's automatically out to--

- I never said you were.

- You think it.

(vehicle passing)

All right, Geoffrey,

I hereby promise never
to utter the word again.

- Marriage?

- Never.

Well, until I am, if I ever do.

Which I fervently hope I never will.

- For someone who's
not uttering something,

when's your LP coming out?

(traffic passing)

- [Beryl Voice over] No two
people have a divine right

to happiness, Geoffrey.

You mustn't feel guilty about me.

- Sorry.

- [Beryl Voice over] No one can say you've

completely ruined me life.

Not yet.

- What are you staring at?

(knocking on door)

- Hello.

- You all right, Son?

- Terrific.

- Why did you throw your
sponge pudding at the cat then?

Your mother's theory
is you're overworking.

- Yeah.

- My theory is you're overdoing
it with some dolly bird.

- Oh.

- What's your theory?

- Indigestion.

- Oh.

- What's yours, Sundance?

- Hasn't he said anything at all?

- He has said one thing.

- Oh, what's that?

- If God had meant sardines to be in oil

he'd have given them dipsticks, all right.

- [Man On Television]
Weeks, and months, drag by,

and with neither side
willing to compromise,

we still have deadlock.

Her Majesty's government
have consistently tried

to find a way out of this dilemma.

- [Geoffrey Voice over] Another
wild night learning what

N-O spells and how many of her

school pals are getting married.

And what N-O spells.

And what N-O spells, great.

I might as well go bald
and open me own monastery.

- [Man On Television] And so
society, that's you and me,

says end this dispute.

End it now.

Good night.

- Here here.

- Good, weren't it?

- Terrific, especially
when he said good night.

- We're just enjoying ourselves.

- Having a good time.

- Just having fun.

- Being happy!

- Take two a day, after meals,
and one if you find yourself

crying hard again in the
middle of a zebra crossing

for no reason at all.

You are sure this has nothing
to do with a boyfriend?

- Absolutely positive.

That was the first film
we ever saw together.

- Make that three a day after meals.

(church bell tolling)

- [Geoffrey Voice over]
Look, Beryl, how's this

for a peace plan?

You join a marriage bureau,

and I'll get a job on the stage.

Twice nightly in Denmark.
Then we'll both be happy.

Right? Right.

Jesus Christ Superstar, amen.

- Oh, hell.

- Pound's up again.

- See you tomorrow.

- Where do you think you're going?

(upbeat music)

- Geoffrey, I'll get the sack.

- It's important.

(upbeat music)

- What is?

I keep asking you what is?

What is?

- To be on our own.

- What?

- So's we can talk.

- What?

- I had a whole speech worked
out on the bus this morning.

The only bit I can remember
is, and that's what I think.

- Last night I dreamt I was
in goal for Manchester United

and Grace Kelly kicked nine goals past me.

- Grace who?

- She was playing for United
as well. Weird, isn't it?

(traffic passing below)

- The main thing is,

we do communicate.

- Oh, we do.

- What basically I wanted--
- See what I think ...

- Goon.

- No, you, mine wasn't important.

- Mine wasn't.

(traffic passing below)

Beryl?

Are you

happy?

- Course.

Very.

- I am.

- No one is every second of
every minute of every day.

- No.

I'm not.

- Do you think it's because we love

each other, do you think?

(traffic passing below)

- Probably.

- You've not actually
said the words often.

- Not in so many words.

- Mostly in words to that effect.

(plane engine roaring)

Is there anything you don't love about me?

- No, don't think so.

- Honestly no?

- Nothing.

- If there is ...
- There isn't.

- You just tell me,
and I'll stop doing it.

- There isn't anything, honest.

- Good.

It wouldn't upset me,
it would just make me

a better human being to deserve your love.

Like, you know,

crimson shoes and bottle green socks.

- You don't wear crimson shoes

and bottle green socks, Beryl.

- If I did, I'd stop, to please you.

- I see.

- No need to be sensitive, Geoffrey.

In a meaningful
relationship, you must like

even what you don't.

- Your mother.

- Pardon?

- I like your mother.

- Please don't sulk, Geoffrey.

- And her lampshades.

- Sulking isn't the most
endearing quality in a person.

- Well you ought to know. You've
almost made it an art form.

- Anything else at random?

- You got 24 hours to spare?

- After all, I'm no Brigitte Bar dot.

- According to reliable sources

in San Tropez, she's 105 next birthday.

- Over 98% of the male
population of Manchester

and Salisbury can tell the difference

between Brigitte Bar dot
and Beryl Battersby.

Ask any opinion poll. I'm
much fatter, for a start.

- You're not all that fat, Beryl.

- I am.

- Start slimming.

- Men like something to get hold of.

- If they're allowed to get hold of it.

- You always succeed in
getting back to Percy Filth

in the end, don't you, always?

- No, I don't, Beryl.

You do. I always fail.

- Do you know what some girls
find extremely like able?

The extremely like able way some boys

stare at every girl they see.

- Boys like it when girls
tell them what N-O spells,

especially for the 600th
time, that they really dig.

- You never say dig.

- I did then.

- You're passionate, unrequited
love for 11 boring men

kicking a ball about,
that's really lovable.

- I never knew you thought that.

- Neither did I.

I do now, though.

(traffic passing below)

- I used to say dig before I met you.

Used to say all sorts of things.

There's a lot about me
I can't even remember.

(traffic passing below)

- Thinking what I'm thinking?

- I think so.

- We just don't like each other.

- That's all.

(soft clarinet music)

- Well goodbye then.

- Good luck.

- Peace, man.

St. John's Square.

- St. John's Square, please.

(soft music)

- So that just leaves a
cot, two matinee coats,

two rumpus suits, and what else do I need?

Oh yes, a ring.

- A teething ring?

- Wedding ring.

- Of course.

- Oh, there are gorgeous
prems in the shops these days.

No wonder everyone's at it.

Oh sorry.

- What about?

- Skip it.

- [Beryl Voice over] About
time too, which is sympathy.

Not that I need any. I never
been as happy in me life.

She doesn't know that.

- If I'm looking miserable, Sandra,

it's because I'm feeling happy for you.

- Yeah.

- We know what you must be thinking.

- Of course we do.

- I've got to pop the pink
one in without going off.

(balls colliding)

- Ace?

- She used to wear pink, you
know. I won't tell you where.

(chuckling)

A hell of a lot more
where hers came from. Wow.

(balls colliding)

- Did you want the chalk, Geoffrey?

- N-O spells no.

- [Beryl] Super day for it.

- Shouldn't be inside a day like this.

- Well, Sandra, this is it.

-Yep.

- The big day.

-Yep.

- Going to the crunch.

- Crunch?

- I daresay it'll hardly break me heart

in the slightest seeing him again.

You mustn't think I'll be crying inside,

because I most definitely won't be.

- And what's more no
one will know that I am.

Because I shan't.

Truly.

Sandra, please, you
have enough to think of.

(church bells ringing)

It's a big day for you as
well, really, isn't it?

(church bells ringing)

(camera snapping)

- And now one of the bride
and groom on their own.

Do you mind stepping back, sir?

Fine.

- Is this far enough.

- Here?

- About there, lovely.

You can kiss the bride on this one, sir.

- Wow, official permission
to actually kiss her.

- Whew.

- Ow!

- Oh, sorry.

- [Photographer] That's right, hold it.

Lovely, thank you.

All right now, a nice
family group, please.

- Funny, I remember the Friday
lunchtime they first met.

- How have you been?

- Absolutely great. You?

- Never better, ever.

- It's all over now, bar the salmon salad.

- It's tuna fish.

- Looks like.

(group chattering)

See President Nixon went to China, no?

- That was before we ever met.

- [Geoffrey] I know.

- [Beryl] Why, something
happened about it?

- [Geoffrey] No.

Could I trouble you for
the salad cream please?

- Oh.

Speaking personally, I think
there are enough problems

to sort out on Earth to solve
without going to the moon.

- Nixon?

- What, is he going?

- No.

- The astronauts.

- Oh.

- It's the wives and
sweethearts I feel sorry for.

We never really talked, did
we, about things that matter.

- Good, isn't it?

- Shows we're friends.

- Now that we know we
don't like each other.

- Everybody thinks we're broken-hearted.

- I know.

- We've really grown up, haven't we?

Me mother's convinced herself we split up

because we had too much Percy Filth.

- I'm right off it myself.

I've been able to walk off urges

perfectly normally for the past few weeks.

- Aw, I expected it's only temporary.

- I hope not. It's marvelous.

- Good.

- I don't fancy you in the slightest now.

- Thank you, love.

- Still off the food, I notice.

- And we've learned a fantastic
amount for the future.

- Fantastic.

- For example, say I finally
did marry someone like you,

only someone I love.

I bet I'd now let him wear crimson shoes

and bottle green socks every night.

In bed I bet.

And you'll probably meet some little fatty

who's never even heard of Kenny Warhol

and marry her three days later.

- We probably won't see each
other at all, now we're pals.

- I expect you're going to
the match this afternoon.

- Oh yeah.

- I'm helping Sandra
pack a going-away case.

- Where's she going?

- Hospital.

- Well, we'll bump into
each other sometime.

(crowd applauding)

(soft music)

(crowd applauding)

(phone beeping)

- Hello, Mrs. Battersby.

You won't remember me.

- [Beryl's Mum] Good afternoon, Geoffrey.

- Oh, is, uh,

is Beryl there please?

- [Beryl's Mum] She's gone
to the football match.

- [Geoffrey] There is no
football. It's cricket now.

- [Beryl's Mum] Well, it's
the same thing, isn't it?

(phone hanging up)

(soft accordion music)

- Hi.

When's the kickoff?

- In about three months.

Football season's over now, Beryl.

- Well what on Earth did
you want to come for?

- I forgot.

I'm not all that interested these days.

- Where do we go now then?

- Don't know.

Could always go inside and
practice booing for next season.

How about you?

- Might go and get a new pair of tights.

Hey, it's like the countryside,
isn't it, when it's empty.

- Fancy a stroll in the country?

- May as well, if you like.

Don't mind. Why not?

- Just as friends?

- Oh I meant just as friends.

- Yeah, I did.

Wish we had a ball.

I'd shoot it in.

You could go in goal.

Amazing how people change, isn't it?

(footsteps receding)

- Well we're certainly much
happier without each other.

- We'll be even happier with someone else.

- Anyone really.

- There's millions to choose from.

- All nearly exactly right for us.

You'll find someone, Geoffrey.

- You will, Beryl.

- Just a matter of keeping
your eyes open really.

- Picking one out of the crowd.

(crowd chanting)

- United, United, United.

United, United, United.

United, United.

(soft upbeat music)

♪ And you find sometimes ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather
can turn out fine ♪

♪ Getting wet together's fun ♪

♪ When the crying stops ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather ♪

♪ Are followed by the sun ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather, hm, hm, hm, hm ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather ♪

♪ When the crying stops ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather ♪

♪ Are followed by the sun ♪

♪ Love and rainy weather, ah ♪