All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s05e01.eng

- ♪ MTV ♪

[soft sad music]

- I have psoriasis,

and it's tough.

It leaves me struggling
to do the things I love.

♪ ♪

[uplifting music]

So I talked to my doctor,

and he prescribed Flatuda.

Flatuda is clinically proven

to control moderate
to severe psoriasis,

so I can get back
to doing what I love.

♪ ♪

For you.

I made that.
- Oh.

Oh, wow.

Thank you, hon.

- You like it?

- I love it.

- In clinical studies,

Flatuda was proven
to reduce psoriasis

twice as fast
as the leading medication.

You know, I've been thinking
about quitting being a judge

and opening a pottery shop.

- Yeah.

- Flatuda let me get back
to living my life

so I can focus
on what matters.

Morning, honey.
- Morning.

- [clears throat]

Did you already have
your coffee today?

- Yeah.

- What did you drink it out of?

- Hmm?
- What did you drink

your coffee out of?

- Oh, I, uh, I don't remember.

- Did you drink it out of this?

- Uh, yeah, I guess so.

- You guess so? Okay.

And, uh...

what about this?

- Hmm?
- Were you planning

on using the mug
that I made you?

- Yes, of course.
- When?

- Soon.
- How soon?

- Tomorrow, if not later today.

Your skin looks great.

- So lemme just see
if I have this right, Michael.

You woke up this morning,
came down,

made a big pot of hot coffee.

And instead of using
this mug your wife made you,

which is right next
to the coffee maker,

you walked all the way down

to the other side
of the kitchen

and went in the cabinet to get
to the mugs all the way there?

Am I following?
- Yeah, I guess so.

I don't know.
It was early. I'm tired.

- It was 1:30 p.m.

- Amy, I love the mug
you gave me.

- What do you love about it?

- What--what do you mean?

- What do you mean,
"What do I mean?"

What do you love about it?

- Mom!
- Cool it, Hannah.

- Well, I love all
of the little bumps

and I love that it's shiny
in some parts

and then not in others.

I think that's cool.

And I like that.
- [mockingly] Yeah?

You like that, Mike?

- Mom, look.

I drew a picture of our family.

Happy.
- Oh, honey.

That is so good.

- I'm really not seeing it.

- What?
- Looks nothing like us.

You don't even have that hat.

And we're not wearing
any clothes.

That's disgusting.

It sucks. Do it again.

- Mom, you're scaring me.

- Shut the fuck up, Hannah.
- Okay, look.

Having
a beautiful, lovely drink

out of this wonderful mug!

- Good!
- Mmm.

Wow, that's so nice...
- Isn't it?

- The way
it sort of hits my lip.

- I'm so glad you like it.
- Feels so good

to drink out of.
- Yeah! If you--

- Are you fucking happy?
- Yeah, yeah!

I'm so fucking happy now!

- [screams]

- Go get my Flatuda.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry I yelled.
- I'm sorry.

both: I love you so much.
I love you.

- Talk to your doctor about
Flatuda today.

May cause delusions about
artistic ability.

[upbeat spacey music]

♪ ♪

- [indistinct]

- So this mug is the prop
from that scene,

which is the most exciting prop
I've ever held.

And it sort of looks like
if vomit got run over by a car.

It feels awful to hold.

♪ ♪

The only thing my therapist
said I'm lacking is empathy.

- Oh, well, same.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Same.

- Mmm, guys,
I actually love the rain.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's so nice

to sometimes just be, like,
inside, warm and cozy,

you know?
- Oh, my God, exactly.

And can we just stop
and acknowledge

how incredible it is
that we're all here together,

just be here, be present,
breathe, gratitude?

- Oh, did I not tell you?

I'm always really present now.

I started about six months ago,
so...

- Wow.
- Good for you.

- [laughs]
all: Gratitude.

- Brianna, can I just say,

your skin looks amazing.

- Aww, that's because it is.

Thank you for my skin.

Thank you for my voice.

[laughs] Oh, here I go.

- Well,
you give that gratitude, girl.

It feels so good, right?

- It does.
- Yeah.

But really,
have you changed products

or maybe
a little something else?

If you know what I mean.
[laughs]

I mean, I would never
get anything done,

but, you know, like,
no judgments.

- I mean, this is a safe space.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Mm-hmm, yes.

- You can tell us.
- You can.

- I'm not gonna touch anything
on my God-given face or body,

but you do you, girl.

- Guys, no way.
Honestly, no way.

I am au naturel and filled
to the brim with gratitude.

Truly. That's what you see.

It's just gratitude.

- Oh, bubbling over
with nonstop,

balls-to-the-wall gratitude.

No question. Yes.

- Same. Like, gratitude.

- Yes! Yes.
- Same.

- Exactly, so I got something

called
the See-through Smart Laser.

It just burns off the very top
layer of the dermis.

It's, like,
not even a legal laser

because it's so light.

'Cause, like,
I'm just gonna gracefully rock

into my old age
with God's plan up there.

Like, whoever she is,

I'm sticking with it, you know?

- Same. Same.

- Honestly, same.
- Literally same.

- That's why
I felt so comfortable

getting these eyelash
and hair extensions,

because I'm not changing
Goddess' work at all.

I'm just adding to it.

Like, I love me.

I just wanted to add more
of me to me, you know?

- Yes,
and that is the exact reason

I got my calf implants.

Gratitude!
- Grat.

- Grats.
- Gratitude, gratitude,

gratitude.
- Gra-tat-tat.

- And your calves look sick.

- What?
- Have you been getting steps?

- [laughs] Oh, my God, no.

- Yes!
- Actually, I didn't tell you?

- No.
- Oh, my God. Did I tell you?

- No!
- Did I tell you?

- No.
- Okay, well, I've found

that for me
and listening to my body

that walking wasn't right,
and I can only be fully present

and fully in gratitude
if I'm completely still.

- [gasps]
- Which is also why

it was so easy for me

to start getting Coldform.

- Wait, that's when
they blast your fat

with a big
MRI-machine-looking thing,

right, until your body
gets frostbitten and dies?

- Correct.

Yes, and on my pets' lives,

I would never get
any work done.

- No, thank you.
- But that wasn't something

that I was willing to miss.

Gratitude.
- Gratitude.

Well, I would
get that done too.

I mean, you look great.
- Aww.

- But you know,
I just feel like if I start,

I'm not gonna stop.

[laughter]

both: Same.
- Samesies.

- Same, you guys.
- Same.

- Same?
- Same.

- Same?
- Same.

- Same.
- Same, same, same, same.

both: Same, same, same.
- Same, same, same.

- So for me,
it's, you know, no work.

I'm just really grateful
for the gifts I've been given.

- Like, the same.
- So what I got was called

Fat Suck, Fat Blow.

It's where they take
your own fat

from unwanted places,

and they stick it back in
to places where it should be.

I just thought,
"I am giving me back to me.

And that--that's gratitude."

- Yes, it is.
- Gratitude.

- Yes, it is.
- I'd be jealous

if I wasn't so grateful.
- You look amazing.

- And what about you, Court?
What have you been doin'?

- Yes, bitch.
- Meditation?

[thunder rumbles]

[dark music]

- Well...
- Courtney, it doesn't actually

sound like
you're in gratitude right now.

- No, no, no. I--I am. I am.

- That's just not what it's
really seeming like, Courtney.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Courtney, I don't wanna pile

on, but I don't even think
you're present right now.

- You guys, come on.

- Really?
- You guys know I'm present.

- Really?
- I'm present, you guys.

- Courtney?
- I am fucking present, Amy.

Fuck you.

[low tense music]

both: Okay.
- Well, good!

- Gratitude to the sky.
- Gratitude!

- Good! Gratitude.
- 100P grat.

- Hey, do you guys wanna go
to Haiti this weekend

on my private jet and get
our faces and bodies made

into Lily Collins' face
and body?

- Um, yes.

- [laughing] Okay.
- Yeah.

- Gratitude.
- Gratitude!

both: Gratitude.

[laughs]
[lightning cracks]

- Yeah, Amy wanted me
in that scene,

but I told her a Black woman
ain't that stupid.

[upbeat spacey music]

[bright festive music]

- Noelle Christensen
is a big-city bigwig.

- And this year, profits are...

- With the career
she always wanted.

But sometimes,
life gets in the way.

[phone buzzing]

- [groans]

Hey, Amy.

- Hey, big shot
workaholic little sis.

[laughs] We can't wait
to see you this weekend

at the town's holiday festival
that we do every year.

- Yeah, about that--
listen, we are so...

- Slammed at the office

because of end-of-year
accounts?

- [sighs]
- You tried that last year,

okay, and the year before.

Look, Noelle,

I know our hometown
has never been your thing,

but it's Christmastime,
and everyone's looking forward

to seeing workaholic
big-city Noelle,

my little sister
who's younger than me,

that's you.

Christmas, girl!
It's Christmas!

[upbeat festive music]

♪ ♪

- Watch it, lady.
- Hey, you big jerk.

[sweet orchestral music]

- Noelle?

- Finley?

- Last time I saw you,
you were breaking up with me

at graduation to move
to the big city

to become a skyscraper jockey.

- If you mean managing
a Fortune 200 hedge fund,

then yes, I did.

And you sell Christmas trees?

- Is something wrong with that,
Broadway?

- No, I just...

I remember
you saying you wanted

to become a talented painter.

- Yeah, well.

Garlandton ain't a place
where dreams come true, is it?

My dad's brother's friend
got sick and we lost the farm.

- [sighs]

- Anyway,
enjoy your cell phone.

[cheery festive music]

♪ ♪

- [sighs] Lil sis,

can you please peel yourself
from your spreadsheets

and help me
with these baking sheets?

[laughs]
You used to love making

our special Christmas cookies.

Right?

Uh-oh.

This calls for--I think you
need a little flour.

Uh, uh, uh.

[both grunting]

- Oh!
[both laugh]

Ah!

[doorbell chimes]

Finley, come in.

♪ ♪

- I felt bad about before.
- [laughs]

- And I know this place's
old heater ain't so great,

so I thought I'd drop off
some firewood.

Or have you been
in the city too long

to remember how
to get a fire going?

- [laughs]
- You got an app for that,

city slicker?

- An app for what?

[laughs] Okay.

Well, okay,
I'm gonna leave my workaholic

lil sis to have some privacy

with her hot capable ex
from high school

that may have been
the one that got away.

[laughs]

[dreamy music]

- You know,
I still paint a little.

[laughs]

Mostly landscapes
around Garlandton.

It's a special place
if you really look at it.

- I'm beginning
to see that more and more.

♪ ♪

[emotional Christmas music]

♪ ♪

- This Christmas...

- Noelle.

I thought you were heading back
to your big city.

- You know, I was,
but this town

is just so magical,
especially during the holidays.

- Hallmark presents...

- It makes me remember
what really matters.

- Like all lives.
- You know, I'm not sure

why I ever lef--

I'm sorry. What did you say?

- All lives matter.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- Lock her up, lock her up.

Christmas!

[dramatic musical sting]
- And that's why I left.

All right, I'm out.

- But my artwork.

- I'm good.

- "The Last Noelle."

- It's Trump!

- You left...
- He's the best.

- For a reason.

- Christmas!

- I had to take so many showers
after shooting this,

and I've played a lot
of pieces of shit

on this show over the years.

[upbeat spacey music]

[mellow guitar music]
- Colorado.

Come for the fresh air,

the perfect mountains'
majesty,

a magical night
under a magical sky.

Whatever kind of experience
you're looking for,

you can find it here
in Colorado.

But we're more
than just beautiful wilderness.

We also have
bustling town centers

and access to all the services
you may need.

Mmm, all as legal

as a fresh mug
of hot cocoa is refreshing.

- Visiting here
was on our bucket list

of things to do before we die,

which honestly, I might have

if I hadn't been able
to visit Colorado.

- Not that you need
some big dramatic reason

to come to Colorado.

No one should have
to justify a trip to Colorado.

Maybe you just wanna do
with your own body

what you wanna do
with your own body.

[laughs] And if that's--
come to Colorado.

That's all right by us.

- My employer actually paid
for my trip to Colorado.

They covered travel
and time off.

I mean, I did have to get HR
involved in my personal life,

which is obviously not ideal
and they didn't cover childcare

while I was out of town,
but still.

I'm grateful for access
to Colorado.

- Colorado is more centrally
located than you think,

especially if you're coming
from, say, Utah,

Arizona, Wyoming, Nebraska,
or Oklahoma.

Actually, if you're coming
from Missouri,

or Nebraska, or even Iowa,

don't forget, Illinois
is another great option.

But we'd prefer you come see us
in Colorado.

But seriously,
do what you need to do, girl.

- I came to Colorado
from Texas.

As a last resort, I could have
gone to a city in Texas

that has a super chill DA,
if you know what I mean.

But why risk it?

- So why not?
Come say hi to Colorado.

There are even organizations
that will help you get

to Colorado
and experience Colorado

and recover from Colorado
as discreetly as you please.

For more information,
open your browser,

click Private Browsing,
or better yet,

subscribe to an encrypted VPN
internet provider

and check out these sites,

before deleting
your search history,

just to be sure.

Heads-up, these offers may be
for a limited time only

because holy fucking shit!

Colorado!

[upbeat spacey music]

- What?
- I know.

- Okay, baby Tigers!

I am so psyched to welcome you

to the Midwest State
University,

but particularly
to the third floor

of Harrison House Dorm!

[cheers and applause]

Yes, as your orientation guide

and resident advisor,
I'll be your go-to Tiger.

I'll help you in any way I can,

even if it's just
French braiding your hair

while you cry about
missing your family dog.

- Can you do a fishtail braid?
- Maybe.

Did Midwest State
give us a bunch of free swag

to give out?

Grab a bag, y'all!

Let's see.
We've got some Tigers T-shirts,

a water bottle
for definitely just water,

not diet White Claw,
wink wink.

[laughter]
Your meal card,

a pre-charged portable
phone charger, mace.

What else?
- I'm sorry. Did you say mace?

- Is there something wrong
with that?

What, are you, like, macist
or something?

[laughter]

[whistle trills]

All aboard
the Don't Rape Me Train.

Let me hear you blow.

Check those bags for these,
honey.

[whistles trilling]

That's the sound
of a woman in trouble.

Though notice no one
from the university

coming to check out that noise
because the school

doesn't actually do squat.
[laughs]

[gasps] Ooh, a cute lanyard
for your dorm keys.

We all know how
to hold our keys, right, right?

Check out my little Wolverines.
Amazing.

- Is anyone else scared?

- Can you do a braid
that wraps around your head

like a Victorian maid?

- Maybe no more
braid questions?

Oh, okay. Ooh!
Another extra phone charger.

Keep your fucking phone charged
and the charger charged.

I am not kidding.

You need
to make sure you have evidence.

- Of what?
- Here's a brochure

for our women's services,

where the only thing
they actually do

is make you take
a pregnancy test.

- Inside the brochure
is just a coupon

for one free karate lesson?

- [laughs] I love karate.

Hi-ya.
Like Miss Piggy. Girlboss.

[laughter]
Which reminds me,

we all know the importance
of a safeword, right? Yeah?

At Midwest State University,
the safeword is "Go, Tigers."

Let me hear you say it.
all: Go, Tigers!

- Anyway, that's just
your starter safeword.

Feel free to change it.

Your safeword
can be anything you want

as long as you realize
you're not actually safe here

or at most colleges.

Gum?
- I wanna go home.

- And I know that y'all know

that you're more likely
to know your attacker,

so maybe
just don't know anyone.

And if you do insist on dating,

I'd find someone who isn't good
at sports

or connected to wealth or power
or friends or parents.

- Okay, cool. What's this?

Like, a list of course
recommendations?

- Oh, yeah,
those are courses to avoid

because the professors
are all ped--

did you gals try the gum yet?

It tastes like Gatorade, right?

- It's so good, yeah.
- So good.

Yeah, it's sugar-free
because your body is a temple,

but also a target.

Look, I know
you're probably like,

"Why do we have to do all this?

"Why can't the school
just teach guys

not to assault?"

[laughs] Sorry, sorry.

"Or hold 'em responsible
when they do?"

[laughs]

[nervous laughter]

I could not get through that
with a straight face.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm gonna call my mom.

- Ooh, a gift certificate.

- Oh, yeah! Okay.

That is redeemable
for three textbooks

at the bookstore
or a bus ticket

to the closest state
where abortions are legal.

- [gasps] Can you do cornrows?

[whistle trills]

- God damn it.
[dramatic music]

Every woman for themselves!

♪ ♪

Check your bags!

♪ ♪

- That scene is a huge bummer.

I pitched it to Sascha,
who's still in college,

so it must be
an even bigger bummer to her.

- College orientation
is basically just

"Welcome to college.
You're about to be assaulted."

It's really dark.

[upbeat spacey music]

- I met our writer Ron Weiner

when I was on an episode
of "30 Rock" he wrote

a million years ago
that I was mostly cut out of.

- Yeah, Amy actually
kind of got herself cut out

because she ad-libbed a lot
of lines,

which got me really furious,
actually.

But later on,
we became friends,

and I ended up emailing her
these MP3s

of these really kind of, like,
dorky comedy songs

that I used to write.

- I love Ron's songs,
and I wanted them

to be on our show,
so here's Ron.

[birds chirping]

- ♪ McDonald's pizza,
have you heard of it? ♪

♪ It really existed ♪

♪ It's real, it's real,
it's real ♪

♪ It's so real ♪

Would you like fries
with that pizza?

♪ It's so ♪

- I'd like the Happy Meal
with pizza.

- ♪ It's so real ♪

♪ And Pac-Man cereal
was killer, man ♪

♪ It really existed ♪

♪ How does
that make you feel? ♪

♪ And E.T. cereal was cereal
that really existed ♪

♪ C3PO's were real ♪

♪ And in Hawaii at McDonald's ♪

♪ They have
Portuguese sausage ♪

♪ They also do in Guam ♪

♪ It's so real ♪

Life's amazing, all around you.

♪ It's so real ♪

Normal items, hidden secrets.

♪ It's so real ♪

- Keep alive
your childish wonder.

- ♪ It's so real ♪

♪ The world is full
of wondrous secrets ♪

♪ If you're looking it's the
only way you know them ♪

♪ The world
is full of hidden music ♪

♪ If you listen, it's the
only way they show them ♪

♪ Science is magical ♪

♪ Love is everywhere ♪

♪ Kiss your alchemist
at the Ren faire ♪

♪ World is wonderful,
wonderful world ♪

♪ World of wonders,
it's a wonderful world ♪

♪ McDonald's pizza
and Pac-Man cereal ♪

♪ C3PO's ♪

- I swear,
whenever we're about to roll,

my vagina itches.

- [laughs]

- I don't know what that is.

- It's chlamydia.

- Oh.
I need a stretcher.

- Here we go. Cameras set?
- Yep.

- And tomorrow
for Friday we got everybody--

we got a drug truck
for the crew.

[cheers and applause]
Yeah, you're welcome.

- [shouts]

- Stop doing
your Chihuahua noise.

Go to your room!

Wait, go to my room
and get my Flatuda.

- Go to your mom's room.

- [shouts]
- [laughs]

- It's so easy.

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