All language subtitles for Bros.2022.2160p.WEBRip.3500MB.DDP5.1.x264-GalaxyRG

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

Hey, everyone,
it's Bobby Leiber.

And welcome to your favorite
podcast, The 11th Brick at Stonewall.

Because we all know a butch
lesbian or a trans woman of color

probably threw the first
brick at Stonewall,

but it was a cis, white, gay
man who threw the 11th brick.

And today, as always, I will take you
on a journey throughout LGBTQ+ history,

and much more importantly, my own problems
and whatever I feel like talking about.

And this is a big day,

because, as of today, The 11th Brick
is celebrating one million subscribers.

And in honor of all this exciting
news, I am taking your questions live.

First question.

[caller 1] Hi, Bobby. Any chance
for more children's books?

Oh, not at the
moment, but thank you.

As some of you know, I wrote
a series of children's books

to help parents teach kids about
gay history, which no one bought.

Turns out a four-year-old didn't
want to hear a bedtime story

about Martina Navratilova.

Hey, parents. Thanks for teaching
your kids about Santa Claus,

a straight man
that doesn't exist,

and not Martina Navratilova,
a lesbian who does.

In other news, I
finally got the footage

from my audition to be part
of the next cast of Queer Eye,

and you can watch that
on the app right now.

[cast members exclaiming]

- Oh, no.
- Oh, my...

[exclaiming, crying]

I'm sorry. This is not
sad. It's just not sad.

You gave him a haircut
and a pair of pants.

I mean, he looks fine.

- Not great.
- [Bobby] Next caller.

[caller 2] What happened
to that movie you wrote?

Oh, yeah. The movie.

These big movie producers
came to me and said…

[Bobby] "We want you to write
a rom-com about a gay couple.

Something the whole
world would enjoy.

Something a straight guy might even
like and watch with his girlfriend."

I said, "Something a straight guy
might like? Like what exactly?

Am I gonna be in the middle
of some high-speed chase,

and then all of a sudden
fall in love with Ice Cube?

Am I gonna get butt-fucked by
Jason Momoa while we're both,

I don't know, worrying
about a volcano?"

And he said, "Bobby, we just want
to make a movie that shows the world

gay and straight
relationships are the same.

Love is love is love."

I said, "'Love is love is love?'

No, it's not. That's bullshit.

That is a lie we had to make up

to convince you idiots to
finally treat us fairly.

Love is not love.

Our relationships are different.
Our sex lives are different."

And he said, "Bobby, we were
just trying to make a nice movie

about nice gay people."

And I said, "Well, there's
your first mistake,

because not all gay
people are nice."

And I got up and left.

Anyway, it's totally fine.

I'm not the right person
to write a rom-com anyway.

[caller 2] Why not?

Um… I don't know.

I mean, I'm 40 years old.
I've never been in love.

I've never even had a serious
relationship, which is fine.

You know, I love my life. I love
my freedom. I love my independence.

But… [chuckles] …you know,

probably means I'm not the right
person to write a love story.

In exciting news, I
remain very horny,

and tonight I am being honored
at the LGBTQ+ Pride Awards.

- [celebratory music playing]
- [applause]

Being in the NFL, I never
thought I could come out.

For years, I had to suffer

as a hot, ripped, gay person,
living my life in private.

But this last year
has really shown me

how amazing life can be when
you are finally publicly hot.

- [applause]
- Thank you.

[host] And now, please welcome Emmy and
Tony award winner, Kristin Chenoweth.

Good evening.

What an honor for me
to be here tonight.

On my head is a hat depicting
the Stonewall riots,

where the queer
liberation movement began.

And now, the award for cis,
white, gay man of the year.

[upbeat music playing]

Please welcome Bobby Leiber.

- Thank you.
- [applause]

Oh, my goodness.
Thank you, New York.

Thank you. Thank you.

Meet Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum,
the Bert and Ernie of Ancient Egypt.

Many scholars believe

that they are the first recorded
same-sex couple in history.

Yet to this day,

there are historians who refuse to
believe that these men were lovers,

and insist that they
were brothers instead.

Thus began 5,000 years
of queer love stories

erased from the history books.

No gay love stories to teach us about
love and how to love each other.

Well, I'm happy to say
this erasure ends today.

And I am thrilled to announce

I have accepted a position
as the executive director

of the first national
LGBTQ+ history museum,

right here in New York City.

Thank you, New York. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

[John] Hey, what's up?

[Bobby] Hey, what's up?

Looking? Into?

Bottom here.

Versatile.

[scoffs] Sure you are.

[doorbell dings]

Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up?

[breathing heavily]

[moaning]

[heavy breathing intensifies]

[panting]

Thank you.

You want to finish?

Uh… I think I'm good, actually.

Okay, I'll get you
something for that.

Thanks.

♪ It's very clear ♪

♪ Our love is here to stay ♪

For me, the cold and
awkward Grindr hookup

is often followed by a walk
around the city by myself.

Anyone else do that?

It's weird, because you still
had this romantic encounter.

Even though it was odd or unsatisfying,
and you don't even know the person,

you're still feeling this, kind of,
post-sex warmth and wistfulness.

So I usually walk
around for a bit,

and I kind of coast on that warm
feeling as long as it lasts.

And between the weird sex with
strangers that you don't like

and conversations with friends you love
that you would never have sex with,

you know, you cobble together a
version of a romantic single life.

And it's good, you
know? It works.

It's a lot more than what a lot of
other people have in this world.

And you try to remember that.

As always, this podcast is
brought to you by Career Donkey.

[donkey brays]

[chattering]

- Hi. Hi, I'm sorry. I know. I'm sorry.
- [exclaiming]

What's going on? What did I
miss? How are you guys, Lucas?

Well, our surrogate just hit three
months, and, not only that, but we are...

Having triplets.

[exclaiming]

- Oh, my God, congratulations. Oh, my God.
- That's amazing. Yeah.

I'm sorry, you guys. I have to
go. A late shift at the bar.

- It was great meeting you guys.
- Nice to meet you.

- And congratulations.
- Thank you.

Bye, Marty.

- Bye, y'all.
- Text us.

So what's happening? Didn't
you guys have an announcement?

Okay, so, I totally know this is
a little weird and unexpected,

but the reason we've been
hanging around with Marty so much

is that we are kind of…

dating him.

- [exclaiming]
- Okay.

Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait.

What do you mean,
you're dating him?

I mean, together. Like, as
a couple. We're seeing him.

I guess it's kind of like
a throuple situation.

[laughter]

Hold on. So, wait, what
does that mean exactly?

Like, are you guys just having
threesomes or something?

Well, we hooked up, but then we started
spending a bunch of time together after.

It turns out we have
a lot in common.

It's more than just sex. We
genuinely like each other.

Wait, wait. So, how long
has this been going on?

- Six months?
- [exclaiming]

You're in a throuple for six
months, and you didn't tell me?

We didn't know it'd
get that serious.

How serious is it gonna
get? You're in a throuple.

What are you gonna do next,
tell your grandparents?

Hi, Grandma.

Oh, hi, honey.

- I have some news.
- Yes?

Peter and I are jointly
fucking a third person.

[screams]

Oh, my goodness.

It's Paul. He and Peter are
jointly fucking someone else.

- Oh, how wonderful. It's a throuple.
- [laughing]

We'll be fine. We really trust
each other enough to do this.

[Bobby] Just be careful.

I know a lot of guys who've done
this, and it's a slippery slope.

These things are fragile.

And, you know, we're men.
Okay? Men dating men.

Love is not love. We are horny
and selfish and stupid. I am too.

Someone called into my show the other
day and asked me why I'm still single.

I said, "You want to know why?

Because I've been gay my whole life, and
I don't trust these gay motherfuckers.

I support them, but
I don't trust them."

And are you happy?

- Who's so happy all the time?
- Uh, a lot of people.

Well, I really don't
trust those people.

- [chuckling]
- Mr. Leiber?

Sorry. I love your podcast.
Can I get a selfie?

Oh, sure.

[shutter clicks]

- Thank you.
- [cell phone chimes]

Shit. I told Henry I'd meet
him at this launch party.

Ugh. I wanted to go
home and change first.

Aren't you guys just gonna
take your shirts off anyway?

No, we're not just gonna
take our shirts off.

It's not 2003.

You have a very clichéd view
of what gay men do at a party.

[dance music playing]

What app is this for again?

It's this new hookup app
my company is launching.

We've got Grindr. We've got
Tinder. This is Zellweger.

It's for gay guys who just want to
talk about actresses, then go to bed.

Oh, I'd use that.

Bobby, I had sex
with a 65-year-old.

Sixty-five?

He didn't have an
age on his profile.

He was really nice, he
had an amazing body,

but he had this
big, white beard.

I felt like Mrs. Claus.

I kind of love that.

There's that guy Aaron.

Oh, yeah, I don't
know who that is.

He's at the gym sometimes.

Very hot. Very boring.

Well, what else is new?

Oh. Also, today I had sex
with a guy who peed on me.

Oh, are you into that?

- Not really, but what else was I doing?
- Fair enough.

It was honestly kind of boring.

Hey, what's up?

Hey.

- Well, hello, Aaron.
- Hey.

This is Bobby.

Do you boys need another drink?
I'm getting a shitrocket.

What the hell's a shitrocket?

It's like a Red Bull
but with protein.

Oh. Shitrocket and
vodka, I guess.

Move, boys. Daddy needs a drink.

Thank you.

[Aaron sighs]

You look angry.

Me?

Well, I'm not. That's
just the way I look.

I know. People always come up to
me and tell me that, but I'm not.

I'm not angry.

I listen to your podcast.

Oh, really?

That's cool.

I hear you're boring.

Who said that? I'm not boring.

I don't know. A lot of people.

Cool.

I'm sorry. That was mean.

I'm very bad at flirting.

And I'm also the type of person
who tells you I'm flirting,

which is so sexy.

It's okay.

What do you do?

For work? I do probate law.

I'm an estate planner. Basically,
I write people's wills.

Do you like it?

Oh, sure. When I was a kid,

first thing I would think
when I would meet someone is,

"Who's that person gonna leave
their shit to when they die?"

I really wanted to be part of
the legal logistics of that.

That's funny.

[slurps]

That guy's hot, right?

[Bobby] Oh, yeah. He is.

I'm supposed to fuck him
and his husband later.

Cool.

Very good.

["Heartbreaker (Junior's
Heartbreaker Club Mix)" playing]

- Oh, I love this song.
- What is this?

Old-school Mariah. How
do you not know this?

I'm more of a country guy.
You know, like Garth Brooks.

Garth Brooks?

Who are you?

Actually, Carrie Underwood
blocked me on Twitter...

What the fuck?

Where the fuck did he go?

I don't know. This is
why I hate these people.

Oh, my God. That's
the 65-year-old.

[Bobby] Jesus, he's ripped.

I know. It's like they injected
steroids into Dumbledore.

Hey, what's up?

- Thanks.
- Hey. Where'd you go?

I don't know. Nowhere.

Yas, live your lives,
queens! Okurrr!

Gay guys are so stupid.

Oh, my God, I know.

Gay guys are usually
the absolute smartest

or the dumbest
people I've ever met.

We've been smart enough to brand
ourselves as being smart and clever.

I've hooked up with guys,

and afterwards I'll make a joke
or I'll say something sarcastic,

and the guy does not understand
that I'm making a joke.

Literally does not
understand satire.

I know. And straight people
think we're all smart,

but a lot of these
guys are dumb as shit.

[chuckling] Yes.

To our little secret.

Actually...

Are you fucking kidding me?

[Bobby] Hey.

Hey. What were you talking
to Aaron about for so long?

Just about how a lot of gay guys
are secretly incredibly stupid.

Oh, how fabulous.

I don't understand. We're having a
good time, and then he ghosts me.

He just fucking disappears.

Bobby, don't. Let
it go. He's a dick.

No, I am not letting it
go. I do not let things go.

- Why aren't you dancing?
- I am dancing, okay?

What do you want me to do,
the fucking Nutcracker Suite?

[scoffs]

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

I tried to kiss you and you
didn't kiss me back is what's up.

I'm sorry. I'm shy.

Please. What are you into?

One of these boring, ripped
idiots with no opinions?

No, I'd like someone who's physically
very frail and won't stop talking.

Come home with me.

I can't.

Why?

'Cause you have to fuck the fake
baseball player and his husband?

- I don't know what to tell you.
- [Bobby scoffs]

- Goodbye.
- Hey, wait, wait. Take my number.

- Absolutely not.
- Why?

Because I'm one of the
smart ones, asshole.

Oh, are you emotionally
unavailable?

No one's more emotionally
unavailable than me. No one.

I pride myself on that.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.
Henry has my number.

See you on Grindr or Zellweger or
whatever the fuck the next one is.

I'm not on any of those.

Then how do you meet people?

I'm not really looking.

Yeah.

Me neither.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, my God, they cannot stop
voguing. They cannot stop voguing.

Excuse me, I know you're voguing,
but can I please go home? Please?

[gasps]

[Joe] I had a gut feeling
you would be online now.

Hi.

[cell phone chirps]

[Mark] Hey, what's up?

- [cell phone chirps]
- [Bobby] Not much. You?

No. Okay.

But us texting each
other anonymously,

I never realized how much Grindr was
just like You've Got Mail. Smiley face.

Ha ha. LOL. Dick pic?

No dick pic. Sorry.

Think about You've Got Mail.

Meg Ryan would never send you
a picture of her genitalia.

Ha ha. LOLOL. Can
I see your ass?

Don't have ass pic. Sorry.

Need to see ass pic though.

Don't have ass pic!

Not gonna meet up
unless you send ass pic.

Must see pic of ass!

- [cell phone chirps]
- [groans]

[sighs]

Ow! Fuck!

I'm bleeding!

How am I gonna shit now?

I can't fuck. I can't shit.

I'm not a person, goddamn it!

It's too fucking flat.

[camera shutter clicks]

Took this just for you, bro.

[cell phone beeps]

Did he block me?

Motherfucker!

Hallheart proudly presents our
first bisexual holiday film,

the award-winning
Christmas with Either.

Hallheart. Always on the
cutting edge… of Christmas.

[Bobby] People.

Okay. Okay, people! People,
please! It's getting late.

We still need to find a donor to
fund the exhibit in the final wing.

As you know, Pier 1 Imports was
supposed to make a big donation,

but they went bankrupt and have
been bought by the Taliban.

- Taliban.
- So we are short five million dollars.

We can't afford to
push our opening again.

People will think we're in trouble.
This whole place could fall apart.

We need new ideas for what goes in
the final wing, and we need them now.

Cherry, go.

You know the blue whale hanging
in the Museum of Natural History?

- Yes.
- What about that,

but instead of the blue whale,

it's a lesbian?

- [Wanda] Oh, no. No.
- [Bobby] Well, yeah, we can't do that.

What about a transgender woman
from an Indigenous nation?

Goddamn it, Wanda!

What about the 400 lesbians
who fought in the Civil War?

Shut up, Cherry. They
were not all lesbians.

Some of them were trans men.

Okay, stop. This building is a rare chance
to legitimize the history of bisexuals.

Oh, God. Here we go.

We say LGBTQ, but we
always skip over the B.

I want a hall of bisexuals. Like
Disney's Hall of Presidents.

I want a stage full of
animatronic, talking bisexuals.

Talking and moving and
gesturing bisexuals.

You know what? This happens
to be Bisexual Awareness Week,

and no one has acknowledged it!

- I acknowledged.
- That is true. My bad.

Lesbian History
Month was in March.

Nobody said a goddamn thing!

It's June!

It was in March!

Of course lesbians get a
month, and we get a week.

- Robert.
- What?

I want you to know
that I hear you.

I see you, and I'm
holding space for you.

There she go. There she go.

She never has any ideas of her own,
but she's always "holding space."

A lesbian wrote
"America the Beautiful."

God, no. I can't.

Katharine Lee Bates wrote
the lyrics on a napkin.

If you go to her house in
Virginia, they have the napkin!

What if the final exhibit was a
recreation of a queer wedding?

- I like that.
- Okay, that I don't hate.

Tamara, that is so
sweet. I love that.

And people can come and
register for wedding gifts here.

Oh, my God. And...

No!

That is old-fashioned,
heteronormative nonsense.

We need to get people to rethink
history through a queer prism,

not comfort them with another
fucking gay wedding, all right?

It's a museum. It's
not Schitt's Creek.

- I like Schitt's Creek.
- Love Schitt's Creek.

That show has layers.

Everyone loves
Schitt's Creek. Okay.

That's who you remind
me of. Eugene Levy.

[Angela whispers] Yes.

Okay, Mr. Funk.

How can I help you today?

I need to adjust my will.

Okay. Can I ask you why?

Because I'm dying.
I have cancer.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I just need to figure out
where my money's going.

Okay, do you have a
partner or spouse?

No and no.

- Children?
- No.

- Family member?
- No.

Close friend?

Not anymore.

Okay, um…

Well, sometimes it
helps to close your eyes

and think about who means
the most to you in the world.

Who is it?

Cher.

Okay, so you want
to leave $100,000…

to Cher?

Do you really think
that she needs that?

She has a huge staff.

- O-Okay.
- [secretary] Mr. Shepard, I...

Sorry to interrupt.
Mrs. Bailey passed away.

Oh, God. This is so depressing.

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine
what you're going through.

No, I mean your job.

What a downer.

[cell phone dings]

It's Aaron. How's Grindr?

[Bobby] A dream. I spent 45 minutes
taking a picture of my own ass.

How are you? How was group sex
with that faux Chicago Cub?

[Aaron] It was fun. They
invited me back tomorrow.

Their surrogate is pregnant, and
they're having a gender-reveal orgy.

A gender-reveal orgy?

James Baldwin would be so proud.

[Aaron] LOL.

I woke up laughing about you so
rudely calling me out on my shit.

Well, you deserved it, bitch.

Honestly, I was impressed. You may be
more emotionally unavailable than I am.

Well, maybe we can be
emotionally unavailable together.

"Maybe we can be emotionally
unavailable together"?

Who's writing your
texts? Maroon 5?

- Fuck off.
- [Bobby] Kidding!

We can go out. Are
you asking me out?

- I'm down for whatever.
- Yeah, same.

- Cool.
- Sounds good.

So, tomorrow? Or
we can do whenever.

Yeah, I can do whenever,
and I can do whatever.

- I don't care what we do.
- Me neither.

We can do whatever, and
we can do it whenever.

- Does that work for you?
- That definitely works.

- Great. Whatever, whenever.
- Cool. Whatever, whenever.

GIF of Michael Scott dancing.

That's good.

Office GIF? This
person isn't gay.

Heart. Ugh, no.
Un-heart. Thumbs up.

- Peace.
- Peace?

Later.

Can't you heart my later, bitch?

Bye!

You're from here, right? Your
parents still live in the city?

No. My parents both
passed away, actually.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah. Thanks.
It wasn't recent.

My mom died when I was in college,
and my dad died ten years ago.

A bee! A bee! A bee! A bee!

Whoa, whoa! Stop swatting!
You're gonna kill it.

That's what I'm trying
to do. It's on my neck.

Bees are dying. Don't you read?

Yes! About gay stuff and movies.

- Can you do something?
- Yes, yes, yes. Here. It's okay.

- You're touching the bee!
- I know. Okay.

Wow. Thank you.

You're like a grown-up
gay Boy Scout,

and I'm like whatever ends
up happening to Evan Hansen.

Let me see what's playing.

What's your favorite
movie of all time?

What's my favorite movie
of all time? I don't know.

Why? What's your favorite movie?

The Hangover.

The Hangover is your
favorite movie of all time?

How many movies
have you seen? One?

It's a funny movie.

Yeah, kinda.

And you remember one of the
first lines of that movie?

- "Paging Dr. Faggot." Remember that?
- Yes.

"Paging Dr. Faggot" is
one of the first lines

of the highest-grossing comedy of
2009, and no one talks about it. Right?

And it wasn't that long ago. We're
just supposed to laugh it off.

It doesn't bother me. I'm
not sensitive like that.

I think you just like
getting angry at things.

Getting angry at things
is like your brand.

What? No, it's not! Fuck you.

Getting angry at things is
my brand? No, no, no, no.

You just don't like to complain because
that means your feelings were hurt.

And that means admitting you're
weak. And that's too vulnerable.

And as much as we go around
saying men should be vulnerable,

you and I both know
that is such bullshit.

Because for a lot
of these gay guys,

sweetness and vulnerability
are wonderful and lovely,

but they can also be
a real boner killer.

You're very intense.

Yes.

I was kidding, by the way.

- About what?
- The Hangover. It's not my favorite movie.

No, you weren't.

Yeah, I was. I just like
seeing you get riled up.

- I don't believe you.
- I was kidding.

Hmm.

I don't like this.

Okay. Let's see what
we have here. Mm-mmm.

Oh, The Treasure Inside is supposed
to be really good, actually.

[Aaron] What's that about?

It's about two closeted gay frontiersmen
in the California Gold Rush of 1849.

But really, it's about two straight actors
playing gay, trying to win an Oscar.

I never tire of watching
two very straight actors

really transform themselves
into being sad and gay.

Gay actors playing gay.
That's not even acting.

Oh, I totally agree.

If they ever make a movie about my life,
they'd better hire a straight actor.

I like to think of my life
story as just another way

for Benedict Cumberbatch
to really score.

Okay, if we don't see this
movie, what are we gonna do?

I didn't say I didn't
want to see the movie.

- Oh!
- I'll see the fucking movie.

I'm dying to.

I'd put it way above
Call Me by Your Name

but sort of below Dallas Buyers.

Well, it got me in the end.

Yeah, but why does it
always have to be so tragic?

I don't know. Philadelphia,
Milk, Brokeback.

Happy endings don't win Oscars.

Straight people love
seeing us miserable.

- [Aaron] Mmm.
- [moviegoer] Wait, Aaron Shepard?

Josh Evans? Holy shit!

- Hey, man. Bro! Nice to see you.
- What is up, dude?

It's been for-fucking-ever.

Aaron and I, we played
hockey in high school.

This is my fiancée, Samantha.

- Hey!
- Hey. Nice to meet you.

This is Bobby.

- Hey.
- Hey.

We just saw The Treasure Inside.
It's about closeted gay frontiersmen.

Oh. Okay. Nice.

[stammers] It's just
some dumb movie.

Oh, wait. I wanna see
that. Gay guys are my jam.

[Bobby chuckles]

So, what are you
guys doing here?

Just a little trip. It's her first time
in New York City. This city is sick.

- It really is.
- Yeah.

Well… awesome!

Yeah. Nice to meet you, Bob.

[Bobby] Nice to meet you guys.

That is crazy. I never run
into anybody from my hometown.

Oh, yeah, bro. Totally, bro.
Just some dumb movie, bro.

I had the biggest crush
on him in high school.

Yep. That tracks.

Well, like the bearded lady in
The Greatest Showman, this is me.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh.

The faux Chicago Cub?

Yeah. His husband
just sent me that.

Wow. They are extremely hot.

Yeah, Mike and Doug. They're
these roided-out meatheads.

They're not the brightest,
but they're sweet.

Do you wanna go over there?

Wait. Are you ditching me again

to go fuck the baseball
cosplayer and his husband?

No, I'm not ditching
you. I'm inviting you.

[laughs]

Why don't you just
come upstairs?

Uh… I don't really do the whole
relationship thing very well.

Relationship?

When did I say I wanted to be
in a relationship with you?

We literally hung out one day.

Yeah, but if I go upstairs, it
becomes like a whole thing and…

Whatever. We should just go
over there. It'll be fun.

I'm not gonna go, but you should
go. Can I ask you one thing though?

Why did you text me if
you didn't wanna hook up?

I'm not angry. I'm
just honestly curious.

I didn't say I
didn't wanna... I...

I guess I had fun talking
to you at the club,

and I wanted to say,
"Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, what's up?" So
basically you texted me

when you were feeling hungover
and lonely in that moment,

but you're not actually into me,
but you went on the date anyway.

Why are gay guys so weird?

Actually, you know,
we're not weird.

We're just constantly catering
to our own whims and needs,

which can change on a dime,
but we never even think about

the emotional consequences
of the other person.

Anyway, it's been a blast
catering to your whims.

And, honestly, I can't
really say anything about it

because I do the same thing
to people all the time, so…

- Fun day.
- Fun day.

- [Bobby] And, um…
- [Aaron] Yeah.

- Have fun with those guys.
- Okay. Bye.

Bobby, wait.

I had a really nice time today.

Me too.

I never go on dates,
but that was really fun.

Yeah. I had a really
good time too.

[Aaron moaning]

Hey, I'm gonna go.

[sucking, kissing]

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Is everything okay?
Is this weird?

Oh, no, no, no. No, it's fun.
It's great. I'm just gonna go.

- Okay.
- Okay. I'll see you.

- All right. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.

Hey, guys. I'm gonna
go. Thank you so much.

- No. You're leaving?
- Yeah, I gotta go.

- It was nice meeting you.
- Yeah, you too. It was lovely.

- Thank you. Night.
- All right.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks for coming. We're
convinced Brian's gay,

and I think it's good for him
to have his gay uncle around.

Oh, my God. Of course. I'm always here
to be a good "guncle" to my "g-nephew."

Uncle Bobby, will you read my
report? It's about Freddie Mercury.

He's obsessed with
Bohemian Rhapsody.

Oh, my God. I love this.

And like that movie, does your report take
a story about one of the great gay icons

and make it about that one time
he maybe had sex with a woman?

- I thought Freddie Mercury was bi.
- He had a wife.

Yeah, well, so did
Jesus, and he was gay.

This is excellent and an
improvement on the film. Good job!

- [cell phone chimes]
- What are those GIFs from The Hangover?

Nothing. This guy I went out
with won't stop texting me.

A guy?

Really? Like a Grindr guy?

No, shockingly. I actually
met this one in real life.

Bobby! That's fantastic! You
think you're gonna see him again?

No. He told me he prefers
group sex to one-on-one

because one-on-one is too intense
and makes it a whole thing.

We went on one date, and we
had sex with three people.

Gay relationships these
days are like a clown car.

Oh, there's another one. Oh,
look, another one. Another one.

It's ridiculous. Plus, I
don't think I'm his type.

- How do you know?
- Because I know.

He told me he likes country music, and
his favorite singer is Garth Brooks.

What kind of gay man says his
favorite singer is Garth Brooks?

That scares me.

Plus, I see the guys he likes.
They all look exactly like him.

They're all these big, hot,
straight-acting dudes. It's just not me.

- Is he a top or bottom?
- What does that have to do with anything?

Maybe you're both bottoms,
and that's the problem.

I'm not always
the bottom, Edgar.

Bottom dance!

- [Edgar] Yeah!
- Ooh! Bottom dance!

- Ooh-ooh. Uh-uh-uh.
- [Edgar vocalizing]

[Bobby] Oh, my God.

Gay sex was more fun

when straight people were
uncomfortable with it.

Fucking Schitt's Creek.

Maybe we should stop talking about
anal sex in front of your children.

- Oh, please. It's a natural part of life.
- Nah.

Bobby! Ask him out again.
You never like anyone.

He is so handsome.

- So are you.
- Dude, you're a hottie.

He is on another level.
He's like gay Tom Brady.

When I'm with him, I feel
like friggin' Elphaba.

I bet he's as intimidated by you

- as you are by him.
- Oh, yeah.

I'm telling you. He's
scared of being vulnerable.

Gay guys from your generation still have
all these pent-up masculinity issues.

You all need to get
over it already.

Half the kids in Brian's
class are nonbinary.

Well, it's not fair, Tina. We
had AIDS, and they had Glee.

[Edgar chuckles]

But there is a work thing I was thinking
of maybe inviting him to. Maybe.

What, a work thing? With lots
of celebrities and fancy people?

Now, are you gonna
peacock to impress him?

No! It's just a big
fundraiser for the museum,

and I need to bring someone.

Are you gonna be onstage?

No, I am not going to
be "onstage." Okay?

I am not some sort of
narcissistic sociopath.

- Thank you, Doja Cat.
- [applause]

Everyone, there are rock paintings in
Zimbabwe which depict homosexuality

that date back to
the year 2,000 BCE.

If only the men on those paintings
had lived another 4,000 years

to see a character come out on
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

[laughter]

Who did your chin?

Oh, no. It's real.

[scoffs] Yeah. Mine too.

Please continue
to give generously

so the museum can tell all the stories
in between that have never been told.

Thank you very much. Good night.

[audience member]
Yeah, all right!

Hey, I'm so sorry I left you
alone. Things got a little crazy.

No. Hey, dude, you were awesome.

I mean, I could never do that,

speak in front of a bunch
of people like that.

You move in some pretty
fancy circles. I had no idea.

Trust me, it's not
always this glamorous.

- Bobby, that was amazing, as always.
- Oh. Thank you, Charles.

- Congrats on everything.
- Thank you so much. Thank you for coming.

- Thank you.
- [person] Great speech, Bobby!

Hi. Thank you so much.

Hey, do you wanna see the museum?
I can give you a private tour.

Oh, sure. I don't wanna drag
you away from all this though.

- Oh, no. It's fine. Here. That way.
- Yeah. Okay.

This is The Legends Pavilion.
Unsung heroes from LGBTQ+ history.

Marsha P. Johnson
and Sylvia Rivera.

Usually Stonewall is the only thing
straight people know about queer history.

Truthfully, no one really knows who
threw the first bricks at Stonewall,

but it was trans women of
color like Marsha and Sylvia

who drove the earliest days of
the queer liberation movement.

So what do you think? It's
pretty incredible, right?

Yeah! I mean, it's
really impressive.

But?

But it's kinda depressing.

It's depressing? It
made you depressed?

It's AIDS and Nazis
and homophobia.

All of it's just...
It's kind of a downer.

Okay. Well, what were you
expecting? A Night at the Museum?

Honestly, my family
loves that movie.

- Oh, okay.
- Oh! What if you did something like that?

Where the things, they come
alive, and they talk at you.

"Where the things come
alive, and they talk at you"?

- Yeah.
- Like, what exactly?

Oh, oh. What if we had a bust
of Eleanor Roosevelt, right?

- Yeah.
- And you get really close.

And then all of a sudden, you
realize that's not Eleanor Roosevelt.

- It's Amy Schumer.
- Oh.

No! It's a museum. It's
not supposed to be fun.

[footsteps approaching]

Bobby! We've got Debra
Messing's agent on the Zoom.

It's urgent.

Debra's worried that she's on
the verge of being canceled.

She said in an interview that
she was the Viola Davis of Tufts,

and people are mad. [chuckles]

Her agent is saying that she may give
a very big donation to the museum

to save face.

Who's Debra Messing?

From Will & Grace. Oh, my God!

Okay, wait. This is amazing.

Stay here. I'll be
back in five minutes.

- Sure. Yep.
- Okay.

Aaron?

Aaron?

[cell phone chimes]

What the fuck?

Say hi to your brother.

- Sup.
- Sup.

[Mrs. Shepard] Jason's staying here
while he figures out where to live.

Never get divorced, Aaron.

[Jason] Never get married.

Okay, Mom. I'm sorry, I'm at work,
so I should probably get going.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you.

Do you remember Josh Evans?

Yeah, Josh Evans
from high school.

I actually ran into him and his
fiancée on the street the other day.

Well, they just broke up.
And you wanna know why?

Because he's gay.

Josh Ev... No.

I'm definitely embarrassed about
how long this has taken me,

but I'm told people do
this in their own time.

I've been empowered by my
hero, Colton Underwood,

to say that, as it turns out,

I'm gay.

And like this post if you
like that I'm gay. Peace.

Holy shit.

So we started going back
and forth for a while,

and then at the end, I was just like,
"Why don't you call the album Lemonade?"

[Wanda clears throat]
Bobby? When you're ready.

- What?
- When you're ready.

Sorry.

Okay. People wonder if America is
ready for its first gay president.

I say, we already had one.

For the final wing,
please consider,

The Lincoln Letters: A
Gay American Love Story.

For years, historians have
speculated about Lincoln's sexuality.

He shared a bed and exchanged intimate
letters with multiple men over the years,

including Joshua Speed
and David Derickson.

Okay, I'm stopping you.

Bobby, it won't work. You
can't say Lincoln was gay.

Why?

There's no way to confirm those
were sexual relationships.

There's no evidence of love.

Of course there's no
evidence of love, Robert.

We weren't allowed to exist. How
would we have enough evidence?

Lincoln was married to a
woman and had four children.

He was not gay, Bobby.

He might have been bi.

I am telling you!

We have let the world erase gay love
stories since the beginning of time.

This is our chance to reject
the shame and restore the truth.

And if we don't do this,
we're letting them win.

We're letting the
heterosexual terrorists win.

- The heterosexual terrorists?
- That's right.

There are also gay terrorists.

And there are bi terrorists, okay?
There are many bisexual terrorists.

Okay, there are
trans terrorists too.

Caitlyn Jenner.

[Wanda] Enough, people.
Let's vote on it.

Okay.

Looks like we have two votes for
The Great Bisexuals of the World.

Thank you, someone.

And three votes for The
Lincoln Letters. Lincoln wins.

Yes! Thank you. Thank you.

- Debra Messing is in the building.
- [all gasp]

[Robert] Yes, my girl.

- Are you okay? Debra Messing.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Okay. Wish me luck.

Ms. Messing.

Oh, please call me Debra.

Oh! I love this space.
How did you find it?

Oh. God. How did we find it?

Um… I don't know. I'm sorry.

Are you okay, dear?

- You seem a little flustered.
- [Bobby chuckles]

Trust me. I know I'm Debra
Messing, but I'm only human.

[laughs] Right. Um,
no, I'm fine. It's a...

I'm so sorry. It's boy
problems. It's nothing.

- It's stupid.
- Oh.

Yeah. He was actually
here last night.

He came to the fundraiser with me,
and then out of nowhere, he left.

And I keep texting him and
he doesn't text me back.

I don't know. It doesn't
matter. How are you?

I am so excited for this tour.

Can I just ask you
really quickly?

Because I actually think you're
the perfect person to ask.

What is going on?

You know, is he not interested in
me or did something really come up?

And why am I thinking about it so
much? That's what's so annoying.

Because I'm never distracted
like this. This is not who I am.

And it's like, what do I do now?
Do I text him again? Do I call him?

Do I go to his house, you know?

What do I do, Debra?

You know, for the last 25 years,

I have been listening to every
gay man on earth complain to me.

I am not my character. I am not
every gay man's best friend.

I am simply out in the world thinking
that I'm gonna get a tour of a museum,

but no. No!

Did I waltz in here and
lay all my shit on you?

Answer me! Answer me!

- I'm just... I...
- Shut up!

I am a divorced single mother.

You wanna hear what that's like?

I'm so sorry about this.
I'm terribly embarrassed.

Please let me start again.

Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on in here?

Do you have some personal shit
you wanna complain to me about?

- No.
- Of course not.

Because lesbians have
their shit together.

I gotta go. I lose
my sitter in an hour.

Ms. Messing, please
come back. I'm so sorry.

I am not Grace.

It is a character.

I won an Emmy for it.

I even beat Sarah Jessica
Parker! People forget!

I'm shaving my head.

What the fuck is
this doing here?

[Angela] Bobby! What
is going on with you?

Debra Messing just
told you to fuck off.

The door's fucking locked.

Oh, please let me help you.

No. I want her.

[singsongy] Don't call him.

Don't call him. Don't call him.

Do not call him.

Just watch Ozark. Ozark.
Like a normal person.

[line ringing]

Hey, it's me.

Um… Call me when you're
around. Okay, bye.

[cell phone dings]

[Aaron] Hey, what's up?

What's up?

Sorry I haven't replied.
I've just been busy.

No worries. Same.

You wanna hang out this weekend?

[sighs]

Hey, Bobby. I have to be honest. I
really like hanging out with you.

You're so smart and funny,

but I'm not sure I'm
the right match for you.

I'm not sure I'm at your level.

Maybe your friends were right
when they said I was boring.

Good luck with everything.

Oh, come on.

- [cell phone dings]
- [Aaron] Sure.

[people chattering]

Why are you sitting on the grass
and not this gigantic blanket?

I like grass.

Mmm. Cool. Cool.

So, what's up?

What's been going on?

Oh, wait. Crazy story.

Remember that guy I ran into?
That old buddy from high school?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. He just came out.

What?

Broke up with his
fiancée. I had no idea.

- Wow.
- Crazy.

- Good for him.
- Yeah, it's cool.

Very cool.

[chattering]

Okay, I'm sorry.
What is going on?

What do you mean?

The other night. Leaving
me at the museum like that.

And then you didn't
return any of my texts.

Well, you texted me 15
times. It was a little scary.

Okay, I need you to
be honest with me.

You're not attracted
to me, right?

It's okay. I can handle
it. I won't be insulted.

I just need to know. Just be honest
with me so I don't waste my time.

I'm not your type, right?

Bobby, it's not that. You
are a very attractive guy.

Okay. Well, thanks.

So why are you being so
weird and passive-aggressive?

Look, you're being
very loud, actually.

- You like dumb guys.
- What?

Yeah, you heard me.
I see what you like.

You like these big, fuckin'
bro-ey meathead idiots.

Is that what you
like, Aaron? Yeah?

- You wanna play with the big boys, huh?
- Yep.

[Bobby] Look, Aaron, they're
fighting. You wanna be in the fight?

You wanna be back in the old
high school locker room, huh?

With your hockey friends stealing a
glance at fucking Josh, right? Huh?

- Yeah, you like that?
- Hey.

- Yeah, I can be tough.
- Wow.

I can be tough like your boys.

- That's what you like?
- You stop that. Listen to me.

Now you're on my blanket, bro.

- Get on my blanket.
- Now I'm on your blanket.

Now you wanna get
on my big blanket?

Now you wanna be
on my big blanket?

- I can be aggressive.
- I can be way more aggressive.

- Yeah?
- Yeah? Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?

I'm all over your blanket.

Boys? Oh.

- Okay, man.
- My bad.

I would've helped him.

My place is near here.

- Let's go the fuck home.
- Yeah.

Ow! Ow! Oh, ow!

["When I Fall In Love" playing]

- Whoa, whoa!
- Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ It will be forever ♪

[Bobby] Yeah. I like
that. I like that.

- You like that?
- I like that.

You're gonna take that?
Yeah, that's what you like.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dirty.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, God.

[groaning]

[heavy breathing]

Oh, yeah.

♪ In a restless
world like this is ♪

- Oh, yeah? Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.

- You like that? Yes, okay.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- [muffled grunting]

- Okay. Good? Yeah?
- [muffled speech]

- Ooh, yeah? You gonna tap out?
- [groans] Yeah, yeah, I'll tap out.

- Yeah? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- I'll tap out.

- Say, "Tap out." Tap out!
- I'll tap out!

- Are you good? Are you good?
- I tapped out.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
- I tapped out.

♪ When I give my heart ♪

Oh! Oh!

- Great. Yeah, you like that?
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- You like that?
- Uh-huh.

- You like that? You like that?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- You like that? Oh, yeah. You like that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You like poppers?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Uh-huh.

♪ And the moment ♪

♪ I can feel that ♪

♪ You feel that way too ♪

♪ Is when I fall in love ♪

- [moaning]
- ♪ With you ♪

[exhales]

- [Bobby chuckles]
- [Aaron exhales]

- That was crazy.
- Yeah.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

I like how your chest
goes in like that.

Oh. Thank you.

It's called a concave chest.

Well, I like it.

It's like a tiny birdbath.

It's like a birdbath?

Great. I always wanted my chest to
look exactly like a tiny birdbath.

It's what every man wants.

I like how hairy you are.

You're like Austin Powers.

[scoffs]

- Thank you.
- [both chuckle]

God, I never thought
I would date someone

who gets more excited about
Austin Powers than Debra Messing.

Where did I go wrong?

Wait. Are we dating?

No.

We're not dating.
Please. I was joking.

You don't date people.
I don't date people.

We don't date people.

- Remember?
- I remember.

Ow! What are you doing?

[Aaron grunting]

[Bobby sighs]

So annoying how good a warm body
feels laying on another warm body.

[cell phone chimes]

Ugh.

- Hmm?
- I hate getting work emails on a Sunday.

Your job is really intense.

Yes, and I hate it.

It's fucking stressful and depressing
and so fucking boring. I...

I fucking hate it.

I'm sorry.

Was there something
else you wanted to do?

Bobby, I need to
tell you something.

[sighs]

When I was younger…

- What happened?
- I...

[sighs]

You can tell me.

When I was younger, I wanted
to make little chocolates.

You wanted to make…
little chocolates?

Yes. I used to tell my parents that I
was going to the arcade at the mall,

but I would sneak off to Godiva.

I just loved how all the
chocolates were wrapped.

And I thought about how I
would design my own chocolates.

How each little chocolate has its
own specific, unique design on it.

And that little design tells you
what they're gonna taste like.

So, I would draw my own
chocolates in a notepad.

It's all I thought about,

tiny little pretty chocolates.

That's good.

What was I gonna do with that,
though? What was I gonna be?

A chocolatier?

Bobby, I wasn't gonna be
a fucking chocolatier.

I don't know. Why not?

It seemed kinda faggy.

Oh, my God, Aaron.

Faggy?

It's not faggy to spend your life
making pretty little chocolates.

- Bobby.
- Okay, fine. But so what?

So you're a big fag.
So am I. It's great.

Did you not realize
that a few minutes ago

when you were sticking your
enormous penis into my tiny anus?

Okay, yeah. It's kind of
cliché, don't you think?

I'd rather be a cliché
than be miserable.

Well, my 15-year-old brain in
1995, that is all I thought about.

[exhales] That was right around
the time that my brother caught me.

Hooking up with a guy?

No. No, I was making
little chocolates.

Oh.

I lied, and I said that I was…

making chocolates for this girl
that I had a crush on at school.

I'm sorry. This is the
cutest thing I've ever heard.

I guess you just have
this big, exciting life.

I just didn't want you to think
that I was some boring schlub.

I don't think you're boring.

Your friend said I was boring.

Oh, my God. You
were mad about that?

I was joking. I'm sorry.

But I don't understand.

You don't have to be stuck in
that miserable office all day.

You could be out in the world, I
don't know, making fudge. You know?

You're like a Keebler elf
with internalized homophobia.

You have to do this. You
have to become a chocolatier.

Oh, Bobby.

You have to become a
chocolatier. I'm telling you.

You make that sound so easy.

Well, no. It's not easy.

Nothing's easy.

My God. You know what I
have to do this weekend?

I have to drag my concave chest up to
Provincetown and beg donors for money.

I need five million dollars
or else the museum can't open.

And it's Pride up there,

so the museum has to have a float in
the parade, and that's a whole thing.

I'm telling you, it is not
easy. It is never easy.

But it's worth it.

Hey, maybe I can come.

To where?

Provincetown?

Oh.

Yeah.

[both sigh]

Well, come, come, come.
Welcome. I'm Louis.

Let me show you your bedroom.

Thank you. Oh, my God.
This house is so beautiful.

How long have you
had this place?

I've been coming up
to P-town since 1976.

Wow.

Who are all these guys?

Well, actually, that's me.

Oh, my God. Louis,
you were so hot.

Yeah, I know.

Wow. Do any of these guys
still come up here too?

[Louis exhales] No.

By 1996, four of the
seven of them were gone.

I got this place in 1999
when I realized that somehow,

miraculously, I
was gonna survive.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

So, tell me. What are
you boys up to today?

Well, I have a work thing this
afternoon, so I don't really know.

- Probably just lay low.
- Lay low?

You're in P-town.
Go out. Have fun.

You'll be dead soon
enough. Come on.

- Let me show you your room.
- All right.

Here's your bedroom.

Oh, my God!

[Aaron] Oh, wow.

- And if you wanna fuck, you let me know.
- [Aaron] Oh.

- Mmm.
- Yeah.

[shower running]

Hey, I need to grab something.

- Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
- Bobby.

- Why are you walking in here?
- Sorry. I thought you were in the shower.

It's not steroids.
It's just testosterone.

Isn't that dangerous for your
liver and balls and stuff?

- [water stops]
- No. Half the guys I know do this stuff.

Yeah, but half the guys you
know are roided-out morons.

Yeah, that doesn't seem to bother you
when you're obsessing over my body.

Okay, that's fair.
I'm gonna shower.

- [shower running]
- ["She's Like The Wind" playing]

♪ She's taken my heart ♪

♪ But she doesn't
know what she's done ♪

[Bobby] ♪ I feel her
breath in my face ♪

♪ Her body close to me ♪

♪ Can't look in her eyes ♪

♪ She's out of my league ♪

♪ Just a fool to believe I
have everything she needs ♪

♪ She's like the wind ♪

You have a really nice voice.

What?

I heard you singing
in the shower.

Well, that's mortifying.

Wait, so you're asking this guy to
donate the remaining five million?

No. If I can get one million
out of him, I'll take it.

You can't scare these people
off by seeming too needy.

Kind of like with you.

Who's Lawrence Grape?

Larry Grape. Biggest gay
TV producer on the planet.

He's made all this groundbreaking
queer content. He's major.

Mr. Grape, I'm thinking the final
wing should be about Lincoln.

Love that. Love Lincoln.

Very few people know this,

but our most popular president
was also our first gay president.

Sorry. This is a Lincoln museum?
Is this a Lincoln museum, sir?

This is actually an
LGBTQ history museum.

It's the first of its kind on a
national level. We actually...

That fucking bush!

[chuckling] Come on.

My neighbors planted that
bush, and it blocks my view.

- Can you believe that?
- [dog barks]

[Lawrence] Let's go
take care of this.

- [neighbor] Again with this?
- [Lawrence] This is my property, Maurice.

[neighbor] This is
a shared borderline!

This is a fucking disaster.
He won't even listen to me.

He's too busy getting his
rottweiler ready for Pride.

Okay. From my
experience at my job,

weird rich people just
want to be listened to.

Ask him what he's interested in.

But I don't care what he's interested
in. I'm here to pitch him my idea.

Well, then pretend like you're
interested. Just do a listening face.

- Do a listening face?
- Yeah.

- Mmm. Yeah.
- I can't.

Yes. Come on. Go.

Okay.

- Yes. Yes.
- Really?

That looked like I'm listening?

- Totally.
- [shouting]

- …on my property!
- It's an indigenous bush!

- Are you going to Pride?
- Of course.

- See you there. Love you.
- I love you too.

[sighs] All right. Listening.
I'll try it. I'll try it.

Sorry. I have to
get going, boys.

Oh, Mr. Grape, let
me ask you something.

Um, what would you like
to see in the museum?

A haunted house of gay trauma.

A haunted house of gay trauma?

Yeah. It's a cart on a
track, and there's...

I'm sorry. This is a ride?

Yeah, it's a fucking ride. So
you think a ride is too much?

Um, no. No.

No, no, no, no. It's
perfect. Please, keep going.

Okay. We find ourselves
in an intimate little bar

with some young,
hot animatronic men.

The men turn to dance with
each other when suddenly, boom!

A cop car smashes
through the wall.

Police storm out of the cars.

There's sirens and batons
and voices screaming.

And suddenly, the car takes
off like a roller coaster,

and there's blood everywhere,

and a monster with Reagan's face on it
is chasing you down the hallway saying,

"Shining city on a hill.
Shining city on a hill."

And then we shoot
out into the light.

And it ends on something happy,

like Lil Nas X working
out with pink dumbbells.

Wow.

A gay trauma coaster.

I mean, it's... it's
very provocative.

I just don't think we can afford
that sort of thing, unfortunately.

Right. Well, okay, it was
so lovely meeting you g...

Mr. Grape. Mr. Grape.

- I'm not a creative guy. I'm a money guy.
- No, no, no, no.

No, no.

I can tell you, to
accomplish what you want,

we need more than just
a little donation.

No, Aaron...

We need five million dollars.

And you won't just get
the gay trauma coaster.

You get the Lincoln
exhibit. You get all of it.

You rewrite history for
an entire LGBTQ community.

You're a storyteller, Lawrence,
and this is the ultimate story.

You already pushed the
museum opening back twice.

Is it really happening?

Yes! It's definitely happening. I promise.
My entire life has led up to this.

Right, well, five million dollars is
nothing to rewrite history. I'm in!

- Wait, really?
- Yes! Yes!

[Bobby] Oh, my God!
Mr. Grape, thank you!

Of course. Congratulations
on my money.

- Happy Pride.
- Happy Pride!

Now I have to go to a Pride party, and
you're both too old to be in the pool.

Please leave.

Aaron! Oh, my God!

You're a genius! "You're a storyteller"?
Where did that even come from?

I told you I'm good at
talking to weird rich folk.

I could tell he
had money to spend.

[chuckles] I don't know
what to say. Thank you.

Sure.

Oh, my God.

Shit! I've gotta go to the parade.
I've gotta get on that stupid float.

I'll see you after.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Thank you.

Okay.

I kissed you! Are we
kissing each other now?

I don't know! Bye!

[no audible dialogue]

Bobby!

[no audible dialogue]

You're gorgeous.

What? You are.

I still can't believe what
you did with Lawrence today.

That was amazing!

Five million dollars!

It's not that big a deal.

It is a huge deal.
Are you kidding me?

I always have to do everything for myself.
No one ever does shit like that for me.

You know, what you did for
me, you could do for yourself.

Open a chocolate
shop. I don't know.

I'm not opening
a chocolate shop.

I'm not as confident as you.

Oh, please. I'm
not that confident.

You are the most confident
person I know, like, to a fault.

It's actually...
It's kind of scary.

Trust me. It's all an act.

Confidence is just a choice you
make. It's a decision like any other.

Usually born out of necessity.

You think I have a
good singing voice now?

You should have heard me when
I was a kid. I was even better.

Had American Idol existed then,

I would've been the gay guy with an
amazing voice who comes in second.

And then let's see.
Then I went to college.

And my musical theater teacher,

he told me that I had a "gay
walk" and a "flamboyant quality"

which would "limit my options."

And then for grad school,

I went to one of the best
journalism schools in the country.

And my teacher there, this old, closeted
queen who was married to a woman,

pulled me aside and thought
he was doing me a favor

when he told me that I
should stick to writing

because my voice sounded too
gay to do the news on TV.

True story.

And then I did stick to writing
and my gay history books.

Every single publisher,
every single one,

told me there wasn't enough
of an audience for it.

I was always too gay,
or I was too niche.

Or, you know, I made
people uncomfortable.

Even my dad, who was so
wonderful and supportive,

I remember him saying,

"You know, not everyone wants to
hear this gay stuff all the time."

But what was I supposed to do?

I mean, I'm a writer.

I wanted to write about my
life, my friends, my world.

And I'm telling you, enough
people tell you things like that,

no matter how confident you are,

when you're alone at night,

you start to think that
maybe they're right.

So…

I just put my head down.

And I just worked really hard.

And I just hoped that, somehow,

all these other
people were wrong.

And they were.

And they were.

[chuckles] I mean,

I spent years watching a wave of
mediocre straight men passing me by.

Men with half the talent,
who worked half as hard,

who didn't care as much as I did,
and they got twice as far. Always.

I mean, that's an
old story, but…

And, you know, the
world caught up with us.

Didn't catch up fast enough.

Didn't catch up fast enough

for my parents to see all these
great things happen for me.

Right?

Didn't catch up fast
enough for a lot of people.

That's the truth.

Let me tell you,

confidence is just knowing you're the
only person left you can count on.

That's all that is.

That's all.

Want another beer?

Sure.

Sorry. That was a lot.

Did that weird you out?

["Love And Affection" playing]

- ♪ The friends that I want ♪
- ♪ So give me love ♪

♪ With friends, I still
feel so insecure ♪

♪ Little darling, I believe
You could help me a lot ♪

♪ Just take my hand And
lead me where you will ♪

- [sighs]
- ♪ No conversation ♪

I love this song!

♪ Well, give me love ♪

♪ Just make love
with affection ♪

That is a weird dance.

Excuse me. At least I dance.

I can dance.

I have never seen you
dance. Literally no one has.

- Really?
- No.

- Wanna see me dance?
- Yes.

Uh-oh.

♪ Once more with
feeling Give me love ♪

♪ Give me love Give me love ♪

[laughs] Very
good. There you go!

Come on.

[saxophone solo playing]

I want you to fuck me.

Are you sure?

When was the last
time you did that?

It's been a while.

But I want you to.

- Okay.
- Good.

♪ Sing me another love song But
this time with a little dedication ♪

♪ Sing it, sing it,
sing it, sing it ♪

- ♪ You know that's what I like ♪
- ♪ Love ♪

♪ Once more with the feeling ♪

♪ Sing me another love
song But this time… ♪

[no audible dialogue]

[laughter]

[chattering]

[Aaron] All right. Here
you go. Merry Christmas.

[Bobby] Thank you.
Merry Christmas.

[Aaron] Okay. All right.

- [Bobby] Okay. Great. Fine.
- [Aaron] Okay. Ready? Let's go.

[Bobby] Okay, it's
gonna be good.

- It's all worth it. It's all worth it.
- Yeah.

[chattering]

What's up? Aaron!

- Wh... [chuckles]
- What's up, man?

I was wondering when I
was gonna run into you.

…seven of us.

Hey, congratulations
on everything.

Yeah, thank you. Yeah,
it's been crazy, man.

Cool. So, yeah, what
have you been doing?

[Henry] Louis was like,
"No, I need to see options."

And then he started
sending me Airbnb options.

- Am I boring you?
- No, no, no.

I'm like, "No, we deserve..."

[partygoer] Mistletoe, bitches!

- [chattering, laughing]
- ["Deck The Halls" playing]

- Bobby!
- What do you want?

[Aaron] I want you.

[Aaron grunting]

[Bobby] What's up?

Um, where do we stand on this?

Where do we stand on what?

- Momogany.
- Oh. [chuckles]

On "momogany"?

Are we open? What are we
into? What are we doing?

This is just like
When Harry Met Sally…

What do you mean?

That classic scene where Billy Crystal
runs to Meg Ryan on New Year's Eve

and asks her if she wants to
have an open relationship.

Bu... But...

I mean, I'm not into
monogamy, you know.

But I don't think we should be
constantly fucking other people.

No.

Why do you ask?

Oh.

- You wanna fuck your little hockey friend.
- No, I wanna fuck you.

Oh, that's nice.

But maybe he's there too.

He's very hot.

Hi, Joshua.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hi.

I'm Steve.

- Hey, Steve.
- Hey, Steve.

Hi, Steve.

["Santa Baby" playing]

♪ Santa baby Just slip
a sable under the tree ♪

Hi, Steve.

[Aaron] Hey.

♪ Been an awful good girl ♪

♪ Santa baby So hurry
down the chimney tonight ♪

[Steve moans]

♪ Santa baby A '54
convertible too, light blue ♪

Sorry.

Hey.

♪ Santa baby So hurry
down the chimney… ♪

Pillow fight! [chuckles]

[Steve] Can I have a massage?

Like…

♪ Think of all the
fun I've missed ♪

[Bobby] Sure.

I got really tight hamstrings.

[Bobby] Cool.

[Steve] Oh, yeah.
Right there. [groans]

- ♪ Next year I could be just as good ♪
- [Aaron breathing heavily]

- ♪ If you check off my Christmas list ♪
- [heavy breathing continues]

Ignore me! I think I
left my scarf in here.

Henry!

Get out!

Bobby Leiber!

You made some friends.

- Hi, Henry!
- Hey, Steve.

Oh, sure.

I am so hungover.

- Thank you.
- [Aaron grunts]

So, I may have been wrong about the
whole hooking up with other people thing.

- Okay.
- I don't know. I just...

I want to be cool and free,

and I don't want to be lame,

but actually seeing you...
I don't know. It just...

It wasn't working for me.

Yeah, no, totally. I get it.

You sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you.

- [sighs]
- [cell phone chimes]

[grunts] Sorry, my mom
will not stop texting me.

When do your folks
get here again?

The 21st. She wants to do the whole
"magical Christmas in New York" thing.

They love sightseeing. I have
no idea what to do with them.

Well, if you need me, I'll be home
hate-watching Hallheart Christmas movies.

Hey,

do you maybe want to spend
Christmas with me and my folks?

Really?

Because, honestly, I
am totally fine alone.

That is very sweet
of you though.

No, you shouldn't be
alone. That's crazy.

Okay.

Yeah, that'll be fun.

And, honestly, no one knows
New York City better than me.

I will plan the ultimate
New York City Christmas,

as only a New York
City Jew could.

Amazing.

But just keep in mind, you know,
they're quiet folks from a small town.

Aaron, I understand. You and
I come from different worlds.

I'm from New York City,
you're from upstate New York.

I mean, they're sweet, but just…

If you could just
be, like, chill.

I promise I won't embarrass you.

And Mrs. Shepard, these are
the first holiday windows

to ever feature a
sex-positive Tiny Tim.

And it's so important.

We don't get queer characters in
the stories that we read as kids.

There's no gay Cinderella,
there's no lesbian Rapunzel,

there's no nonbinary
Ebenezer Scrooge.

Bobby, I think they get it.

Guys, we've gotta go.

I told Josh Evans
we would meet him

at the Hallheart Christmas
movie pop-up village.

- We're seeing Josh Evans?
- I didn't know.

Let's do it.

Are you a Hallheart fan?

I dabble.

["Jingle Bells" playing]

This is so beautiful.

I know, I love it.

There's Josh.

Wearing shorts in winter,
like a total psychopath.

[Mrs. Shepard] Oh, my goodness.

They have Rachael
Ray edible tinsel.

Josh! Evans!

Hey, fellas. How's Hallheart
Village treating ya?

[Bobby] Hey.

Did you see the gay movie that
they did? It was kinda dope.

Yeah, for years they ignored us, then
their audience got 10% less homophobic,

so they decided we're a new
demographic they can sell shit to.

I mean, look at these movies.

Have Yourself A Heteronormative
Little Christmas,

Miracle on 34th Street
But With One Gay Guy,

Home Alone But With Sarah
Paulson. I mean, it's absurd.

- [Mrs. Shepard] Josh.
- Hey.

- Merry Christmas.
- Hey, man.

Come get skates.

I want to see you and Aaron back
out on the ice for old time's sake.

Bobby, Josh and Aaron played
hockey together in high school.

Oh, I know.

- Come on.
- Hey, man, what's going on? How you doing?

Dude, what is your problem?

What?

Could you just maybe
tone it down a notch?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

We've been with my
parents for two hours,

and you've already talked about
transgender mannequins, HIV prevention,

and you pointed out the
route to the 1976 Dyke March.

They're having fun. They're
totally fine. What is your problem?

I'm nervous, okay? I've never
introduced them to anybody.

I just don't want them
to get weirded out.

I want them to have
a chill, normal time.

So now I'm not normal?

Bobby, you know what I mean.

I'm just being myself.

Okay, but maybe you could just be a
little less yourself for three hours.

I want them to like you.

Oh. Yeah. No, sure.

Of course, yeah. I'll just...

I'll just be quiet.

Okay, thank you.

Bobby! Oh, my God, hi!

Hi.

Jesus Christ.

We have to go anyway. We
have a dinner reservation.

Where's dinner again?

♪ I'm flying ♪

♪ Look at me, way up high
Suddenly, here am I ♪

♪ I'm flying ♪

Hey, Dad, how are the
Polar Bears doing?

That's the team Josh
and I used to play on.

They haven't won all year.

I told Josh they need
you boys to come back.

[laughter]

Bobby, you seem quiet tonight.
Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah. I'm
totally fine. Yeah.

You know, I'm sorry if
I spoke too much today.

I just... I think I got nervous.

This is actually more
like how I usually am.

I'm very quiet. Very quiet
and just weirdly normal.

Well, thanks again for
planning such a lovely day.

Oh, you're so
welcome, Mrs. Shepard.

You sound like one of my
students. Call me Anne.

Okay, I will.

Mom's been a second-grade
teacher for almost 40 years now.

Oh, my God, that's amazing. We need
good teachers, now more than ever.

Thank you. I agree.

And Aaron says you're working
at an American history museum.

Yes. Yes, it is.

It's an American history museum.

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's actually an
LGBTQ history museum.

It's the first major queer
history museum in America.

Do you teach your
students any gay history?

'Cause I know in a few states,
they're finally starting to do it.

Well, I teach
second grade, so no.

Oh. Right. No, I
understand. Yeah.

Out of curiosity, why not?

[Mrs. Shepard] Well,

I just think they're a
little young for that.

Of course. Yeah. No,
I understand that.

- I don't think so though.
- Bobby.

No, no, no, I'm just saying.
If I may disagree respectfully.

That's actually the best time to
teach them, when they're young.

You know, that way they develop
an appreciation for queer people

before they all start bullying each other
or hating themselves if they're gay.

Maybe you're right.

Feels a little young though.

Right.

Totally. I get it.

- I will drop it. Agree to disagree.
- Yeah.

- Cheers to that.
- Yes.

So when are you
guys heading home...

It's not really that young
though. It's not that young.

Bobby, can you please drop it?

No, I can't, because we're talking
about gay kids here, and it's important.

One of the things that saved me

is that my parents exposed me
to gay stories when I was a kid.

When I was 12 years
old... this is true...

My parents took me to see a Broadway
play called Love and Compassion.

It was about a group of gay men spending
the summer together in Provincetown.

And all of a sudden
the curtain goes up,

and there are seven completely
naked gay men on stage.

And there I am, sitting between
my mom and dad at age 12,

looking at seven soft penises.

[snorts] Shit.

And all of a sudden, two of
the guys start making out,

and then one of them starts
talking dirty, you know?

And I remember this so vividly,

there was a sex scene and
one of the guys is like,

"Pound my prostate. Pound my prostate."
You know, "Milk me. Milk me."

And I didn't even know what
that was. I mean, now I do.

But, you know, it
was incredible.

You know, to know that I could
sit there, between my mom and dad,

looking at seven penises.

Seven penises, Anne. I was 12.

And to know that they were okay with that,
I mean, that had a profound effect on me.

All I'm saying is, we need to remove
the stigma from that type of thing,

so that gay kids can feel good about
themselves. That's all I'm saying.

I mean, look at Aaron and
how much he hates his life.

- Bobby.
- All I'm saying

is there's a direct correlation between
how unhappy you are with your life

and what you weren't taught
about your potential as a child.

Bobby, stop talking.
Seriously, enough.

I will kill you.

Aaron, you hate your life?

♪ Rama lama lama ka
dinga da dinga dong ♪

♪ Shoo-bop sha wadda wadda
Yippity boom de boom ♪

♪ Chang chang changitty chang sha-bop Dip
da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo ♪

♪ Boogedy boogedy boogedy
boogedy Shoo-be doo-wop she-bop ♪

♪ Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Yippity dip de doom ♪

♪ Wop ba-ba lu-mop
and wop bam boom ♪

[Bobby] Your brother's
a real chatterbox.

Hey, are you mad?

Me? No, I'm great.

Josh just texted me. I'm
gonna meet him at that bar.

I think we should
go home and talk.

Really? You want to talk more?

I think it's better
than partying with Josh,

the self-loathing meathead
who took 40 years to come out.

Not everybody's you, Bobby.

Okay, but 40 years? J.R.R. Tolkien
took less time with his journey.

God, you are fucking relentless.

"Aaron hates his life"?

God.

Hey.

Hey!

Fuck!

[club music playing]

[chattering]

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Big man.

[Josh exhales]

Dude. No.

Hey. Just kiss me.

Aaron.

Hey, Bob.

Shit, Bobby, we were
just playing around.

You were just playing around?
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Bobby, Bobby.

- Josh, leave.
- I'm sorry.

- Get the fuck out of here!
- Bobby, calm down.

Oh, my God, I knew
it. I fucking knew it.

Just say it. Can you
please just say it?

Finally, just fucking say
it, because I already know.

- You're not attracted to me.
- What?

I see the guys you look at,
at the gym and the club.

Everywhere. Everywhere we go.

Okay, Bobby...

Go be with him if
that's what you want,

but I will not let you drag
me into this any further.

And I will not let you break my
heart. I am too smart for that.

Bobby, why did you say that shit
about me in front of my parents?

I begged you not to embarrass me,
but you couldn't help yourself.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with me?

"Tone it down, Bobby.

Be quiet, Bobby.

Can't you be a little
bit less of yourself?

Just for a few hours."

You don't think I
know what that means?

You don't think I know
what that's code for?

You don't think I've been hearing
that my whole fucking life?

That's what you think about me?

I'm not apologizing for myself.
I will leave that to you.

[exclaiming]

[sobbing]

Hey, question for you
because you know everyone.

I need a makeover.

Oh, yeah. Let's go
to a spa weekend.

No, I want steroids or
testosterone or HGH or something.

I keep working out but
I don't get bigger.

I want to look like a
fucking action star.

Forget Provincetown. I want people to
think I have a summer share on Jumanji.

I'm sick of being niche.
I want to be Thor.

You know that steroids don't
make you big on their own, right?

You still have to work out

- and you can't miss the window.
- I know.

Let's fucking go.

Ow.

[cell phone dings]

No. Fuck!

[chattering]

Stop. What are you
doing? Stop that.

[Wanda] Bobby!

- The Lincoln exhibit is canceled.
- Why?

People are threatening a boycott,
they're pulling their donations.

There's not enough proof.

Okay. You want to put
Lincoln back in the closet?

Fine. I'll put him
back in the closet,

- I'll put him back in the fucking closet.
- [Wanda] Bobby!

Here.

There you go.

Lincoln is back in the closet
where you all need him to be.

I'm on steroids.

Okay, Bobby, just calm down.

So, Angela and I have proposed that
the final exhibit be called "Post-Gay."

Post-Gay?

Yes, because just
being gay is old news.

Okay, so, now I'm too gay for
Aaron, but I'm too straight for you?

Will somebody please tell me
exactly how gay I'm supposed to be?

Poor Abraham Lincoln
can't even be gay now?

Because he wasn't gay, Bobby.

- He was bi, and I have...
- Okay, enough.

You want to get rid of our stories?
Fine. Let's get rid of them.

I have roid rage.

Are you insane?

Enough, Bobby. No.

It's for you.
Bye-bye, Buttigieg.

- [Wanda] Stop it, Bobby.
- No.

Bobby.

No. Give it to me.

- Put the flag down.
- Give it to me.

[people exclaim]

- Angela and the lesbians, hold him down.
- [Bobby] No.

You're on steroids?

You can't tell.

You know what, I
don't need this shit.

Me neither. Lesbians, disperse.

[Angela] I hate the museum,

but most of all, I really
fucking hate storytelling.

[people gasping]

She doesn't like
telling stories.

Maybe the final wing
should be a big, empty room

where people can go to
just shut the fuck up!

Okay. Yeah. Leave. All of you.

Oh, shit. My window.
My workout window.

["Drop The Bass" playing]

♪ Drop the bass ♪

[song continues
faintly over earbuds]

[in macho voice] Hey, bro.

- Hey, bro. What's up?
- What's up?

I'm Joel.

I'm… Rob.

Hey, can you help me
with this set, bro?

Yeah, sure, bro. Yeah.

Nice.

- You doing chest?
- Yep.

- Leg day for me, bro.
- Oh, nice.

Gotta work on those hammies.

Yeah. [chuckles]
Go put them all on.

I'm doing a superset today.

- Oh, superset?
- Yeah.

Yeah, superset.

- Pack it up, bro. Lots of plates.
- Yeah.

I haven't seen this many plates
since the Jewish holidays, bro.

- Nice, nice.
- Yeah.

We should hang out
again sometime.

Maybe watch a game?

[in normal voice] Yeah, I'd love
that. I'll give you my number.

Holy shit, dude. What
happened to your voice?

Oh, fuck.

Um… Okay, I'm really sorry.

But, um, I know this is
very strange, but when I...

When I walked up to you in the gym,
I just did this voice, you know?

You know, like, "Hey,
bro. What's up?"

I don't know, I
just was trying it.

Holy shit, are you
a serial killer?

Are you going to fucking
kill a bro right now?

No, no, no. I'm not killing
a bro. I'm so sorry.

No, this is weird.
I'm sorry. I'll go.

Yeah, you need to
leave right now.

But it kind of worked, right?
That's what's weird about it...

Dude, hurry up, man.

But just the fact that I was
like, "Hey, bro. What's up?"

Okay, I'm leaving. I'm so sorry.

I'm going through a very
hard time right now.

I didn't ask for all that.

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm
going. I'm going.

Can I just ask you
one thing though?

If I had come up to you
and used my real voice,

would you have been
attracted to me?

Wow,

that is really sad, but…

yeah, I think so.

- Oh.
- But not now.

Okay.

I'm really sorry.

Streisand?

Of course. I love her.

She's the best.

Streisand fucking rules.

This is actually kind of like
Yentl, if you think about it.

- Dude, get the fuck out.
- I'm so sorry.

Later.

Sorry.

[TV announcer] And now,
Hallheart proudly presents

our first polyamorous
holiday film,

A Holly, Poly Christmas.

Look, it's snowing.

- It's snowing on all seven of us.
- [laughter]

Oh, man.

[sniffles]

[on TV] Guys.

- [club music playing]
- [chattering]

[Aaron] Hey.

Hey.

Can we talk?

Okay.

[Bobby] So what's up?

Bobby, I am so sorry I told
you not to be yourself.

I know I fucked up, but
this is new for me too.

And when you blew up in front
of my parents, honestly, it...

It felt like you were
doing it on purpose.

I was.

And I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have handled
it like that. You're right.

I'm sorry.

But, Aaron,

that doesn't change the fact that
you like a certain type of guy.

And that isn't me,
and that's okay.

You're right.

I always pictured
myself with a guy...

- Like Josh.
- Yeah, a guy like Josh.

Yeah, he's hot.

Yes, he's simple,
conventional, basic as hell,

and not somebody that
actually makes me happy.

Bobby, you are so
different from me.

You're not afraid to take up space
in the world. You challenge me.

Which at first,
it freaked me out

because who the fuck wants to
be challenged all the time, but…

But I love it.

You're what's been missing.

I know I fucked up, but
please give me another chance.

I miss you so much.

I miss you too.

A lot.

I didn't realize until
after we broke up

there were actually a couple
of months there where I was…

What do they call it?

In a good mood.

But I can't.

My whole life, I have prided
myself on being self-aware

and self-reliant
and self-possessed,

and it didn't matter.

It didn't matter

because, at the end of the day,
I just ended up in the street

looking at you and
looking at Josh

and thinking, "I'm
not enough for him."

I know, and I feel awful.

But do not throw this away
because of one mistake.

What do you want me to do?

- Say you'll give me another chance.
- I can't do that.

Why not?

'Cause I don't trust you.

I've been alone so
long. Who knows?

Maybe that's the only
way I know how to be.

I don't know.

[Bobby] I'm going.

[machine beeping]

- [machine chimes]
- It's good.

Hey!

If you don't trust
me, that's fine.

But if for some reason, underneath
all that strength and confidence,

you still don't trust that
you are lovable enough,

I'm living proof…

that you're wrong.

[clangs]

[Bobby] First of all, thank
you all for letting me do this.

I really appreciate it.

Look, I know I've been a very
angry, judgmental person, obviously.

And sometimes anger can be
good. I know you all know that

because for years, it was the
fuel we all needed to keep going.

It wasn't that long ago that the
straight gatekeepers of the world

didn't allow for all of us to
really succeed in a big way.

Oh, my God. Do you guys
remember straight people?

Yeah. They had a
nice run. [chuckles]

Look, Bobby. I'm a
Black trans woman,

and I don't need you to come
here and lecture me about anger.

But I get it.

I am brimming with anger.

And if I were to let
just an ounce of it out,

I would probably explode
and kill every one of you.

But, Bobby, I want
you to know something.

I hear you.

And I forgive you.

You do?

Yes.

Look, this is the only community
I've ever loved being a part of.

And we fight like crazy,
and we always have…

but you're my people.

And I am so sorry that I was
so rude and spoke down to you.

I should've shown you
much more respect.

There is truly no group of people on
earth that I love and respect more.

Well, I am not going to
lie. I am still angry.

But I insist on progress.

Not just for our LGBTQ heroes,

but for our LGBTQ assholes.

Like you.

Thank you, Robert.

The live of this
apology has 40K viewers.

You're posting this?
Can you please...

No, okay. Yeah. No, you
should definitely post this.

Everything should...

Everything should be posted, and
thank you for teaching me that.

["Turn To Hate" playing]

♪ Don't leave, don't cry ♪

♪ You're just another
boy Caught in the rye ♪

Hey. I've decided to quit.

- I just quit too!
- You did?

I do this Kamala Harris impression
online, and it's really taking off.

- Oh.
- Yeah,

like, "I'm Kamala Harris. Okay."

Good luck with that.

Yeah. Good luck with
whatever you're doing.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. [chuckles]

[cell phone dings]

Hey, Bobby. I wanted you to be
the first person to see this.

This is Aaron Shepard's Chocolate
Factory. I made these little chocolates.

I also made some special treats

to celebrate the opening
of the LGBTQ+ Museum.

These are Harvey Milk Duds.

And instead of a heart-shaped
Valentine's Day box

filled with chocolates,

we have a pink "silence equals death"
triangle filled with chocolates.

And a tribute to my favorite
gay television character,

this is…

a "Tirami-Susan" from Friends.

Of course Aaron likes Friends.

[Aaron] Of course, all the
profits go to the museum.

Okay. Bye.

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

Dude, thanks for
letting me crash here.

I know Mom pressured
you into inviting me…

but it's cool of you.

Yeah, sure.

- You okay, bro?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm a very happy chocolatier.

I mean, there was that guy.

But it's over.
Whatever. I'm fine.

Yeah, totally.

Jesus, how do you decapitate?

Seriously, that's all you're gonna
say? "How do you decapitate?"

What do you want me to say?
How do you remove their heads?

What about, "Hey, bro.
How are you holding up?"

I'm sorry, bro. We don't
talk about this shit.

I'm crashing here because I'm
in the middle of a divorce,

and you haven't asked
me about it once.

I'm sorry.

So how's the divorce?

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Okay.

So…

what happened to you?

Okay, you remember at Christmas
when Mom and Dad came?

I asked Bobby to...

I asked him to tone it down.

I know. I know. I
fucked up. I panicked.

Did you try to get him back?

Yes! I mean, Bobby is the best, but
he is a stubborn son of a bitch.

And do you love this
stubborn little bitch?

Whatever. It's over.

Bobby's strong. He
doesn't need me.

He doesn't need anyone.

["Alive (Millennium
Funk Mix)" playing]

Hey, guys. It's your girl, Tamara.
We're opening the LGBT Museum tonight.

Tonight is our grand opening, and
we're gonna have a wonderful time!

Yeah! What's up?

What's up?

Hi. I'm Leonardo da Vinci.

I changed the world with my work as
an inventor, scientist and artist.

But most importantly,
I may have been bi.

Arrivederci.

[screaming]

[cackling laughter]

Congrats. You've made it to
the Obama Administration.

But what's that
around the corner?

[cackles]

[chattering]

Okay, seriously, this
place is incredible.

Are you happy?

I don't know. It's
weird, you know?

This place was my
dream, and it happened.

Why can't I answer
your question?

- Okay, can I just say one thing?
- Yes.

I know that what
he did was wrong,

but you didn't have to
argue with his parents.

I did though.
Plus, I apologized.

And he apologized too.

I just don't know
if I can trust him.

He fucked up. People fuck up.

Is there no part of you that
wants to give him a second chance?

You know what it is?

I just don't want to want
someone else this much.

But you do!

It doesn't make you look
weak to love someone.

Vulnerability is
not a boner killer.

- [chuckles]
- I know you.

I know that you've had a million reasons
to keep your guard up all these years.

But there are people out there
worth letting your guard down for.

Were you happier with
him or without him?

That's all that really matters.

Can I tell you something extremely
embarrassing that I would only tell you?

Yes.

I wrote a song about him.

I know! That's the only time I'm gonna
talk about it. We're not talking about it.

I didn't send it, and
I'm not sending it.

Okay. Fine.

I've just never seen
you that happy, is all.

And I love seeing it.

- [Bobby] Hi, guys.
- Hi, sweetie.

- Ready to go dance? Let's go.
- Yeah.

[no audible dialogue]

[cell phone chimes]

Holy shit. He texted me.

Bobby texted me!

What did he say?

He said, "Hey, what's up?"

"Hey, what's up?"

Fuck yeah, bro! That's
what I'm talking about!

- That's good?
- It's great!

- "Hey, what's up?"
- "Hey, what's up?"

- "Hey, what's up?"
- "Hey, what's up?"

- No, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
- What?

Okay, yeah. I'm gonna wait to
text him back though, you know?

Shit. I gotta get to the gym.

Aaron, what the fuck is up with you
and the CrossFit every day? Jesus!

What are you people all
training for? You going to war?

Stop playing it so cool.

Just go and tell
him how you feel.

What about you?
What about divorce?

What about keeping
it young and fun?

Whatever.

Straight people, we're
so set in our ways,

but gay people, you guys are
all so... You're so smart.

You're gonna figure it out.

My story is not your story.

Go write your own damn story.

- Go! Now!
- Okay. Yeah.

Hey.

[Jason grunts]

[clears throat]

- "Hey, what's up?"
- "Hey, what's up?"

- "Hey, what's up?"
- Yeah!

- Bobby?
- Yeah?

- It's time for the toast.
- Okay, great.

Okay.

[Wanda] One of the hardest parts
of putting the museum together

was figuring out what the
final exhibit would be.

The message we'd leave
people with about who we are.

But the truth is we
are not one thing.

We are not a monolithic group.

We are some of the smartest and most
self-reliant people you will ever meet.

And we are so stupid.

[laughter]

[Wanda] And we are a total mess.

And we are great.

We've been around since the
beginning of time, of course,

and yet it still feels like
we're at the very beginning

of being able to
tell our own stories.

In many ways, I think we're still
getting to know each other, really.

Now, I'm just a boring
old cis white gay,

but… [chuckles]

…one thing I have learned from my
trans and bi and nonbinary family

is that happiness for all of us comes from
staying fluid, staying open to change.

Open to being more than just
who you thought you were

or more than what other
people assume you are.

So this is a toast to all of us.

We've come a long way.

And there are a lot of people who deserved
to live long enough to be here tonight.

And we are here,
and they are not.

And we are very lucky.

We are very lucky.

I have no complaints.

Hey.

Hey.

Um…

Sorry, um...

Just, um... One more
thing. Sorry, hold on.

I'm gonna do it. Let's
do it. Let's do it.

[crowd murmuring]

What's going on?

Hi. [clears throat]

[Bobby] So, um,

this is a little special
something I wrote for tonight,

and I didn't think I would
actually have a reason to sing it.

And I haven't sung in front of people
in a very long time, so forgive me.

But tonight is about love

and we've seen a lot
of tortured gay cowboys

played by a lot of straight
actors over the years.

[laughter]

So, this is a love song from
one gay cowboy to another

inspired by everyone's
favorite LGBTQ+ icon,

Garth Brooks.

[laughter]

[guitar playing]

♪ We met at the club ♪

♪ Mariah Carey remix on ♪

♪ Oh, the boys in harnesses ♪

♪ You didn't
recognize the song ♪

♪ You took me up ♪

♪ Up to Provincetown ♪

♪ Where, for years, the
deviant boys Have run around ♪

♪ 'Cause love is not love ♪

♪ Our love is real ♪

♪ And I'm nervous as hell
To tell you how I feel ♪

♪ 'Cause after all these
years Of running 'round ♪

♪ It's nice to have
somebody Slow it down ♪

♪ 'Cause love is not love ♪

♪ Our love is free ♪

♪ I'll let you be you
And you let me be me ♪

♪ And we can
wrestle on the bed ♪

♪ I love when you pin
me to the ground ♪

♪ But if I tell you How
much I love you, boy ♪

♪ Will you stick around? ♪

♪ And you can lift me up ♪

♪ And I will calm you down ♪

♪ I've made a lot of noise ♪

♪ But only you can hear me now ♪

♪ 'Cause love is not love ♪

♪ This love is real ♪

♪ I hope you feel the same
'Cause this is how I feel ♪

♪ And I'm tired of
being angry, babe ♪

♪ And I'm sick of being strong ♪

♪ And I know a lot of cynical
assholes Who will hate this song ♪

♪ 'Cause it's an open heart ♪

♪ It's a second chance ♪

♪ It's finding your first love ♪

♪ As a 40-year-old man ♪

♪ And we don't have
to get married, babe ♪

♪ This is our romance ♪

♪ And just because we're gay ♪

♪ Doesn't mean we
have to dance ♪

♪ 'Cause love is not ♪

♪ Love is not ♪

♪ Love is not… ♪

♪ Love ♪

Bobby, I just have
to tell you...

In all my years, I never
thought I'd say this.

But, Debra Messing,
it'll have to wait.

[crowd gasping]

[crowd murmuring]

What's wrong?

I just really love you.

I love you too.

[in macho voice]
You like love, bro?

Oh, yeah.

- Wait.
- Wha...

- [crowd murmuring]
- [Aaron] Oh…

What are you...

Just let me do this.

Um… Oh, shit. I need a ring.

Bob... Bobby...

- [Bobby] Tamara, can I borrow your ring?
- Yeah.

Thank you.

- Bobby, I...
- Aaron Shepard,

I know we're not
relationship people,

but will you date me for three
months, and then we'll reassess?

[laughter]

Yes, Bobby Leiber,

I will date you for three
months, and then we can reassess.

[crowd laughing, applauding]

Mommy, what's happening?

It's a miracle.

Uncle Bobby's gonna date
someone for three months.

[cheering]

- [beeping]
- [upbeat music playing]

Hey, queers!

I'm the museum guard here.

Just gonna do some dusting.

[gasps]

Hello. What are you
doing dusting me?

I'm lesbian First Lady,
Eleanor Roosevelt.

Hi, I'm Seth Meyers
as Harvey Milk.

Hello, I'm Kenan Thompson
as James Baldwin.

It's a Night at the Gay Museum.

Come here.

♪ Everybody's free
to feel good ♪

♪ Everybody's free
to feel good ♪

♪ Brother and sister Together
we'll make it through ♪

♪ Someday a spirit will lift
you And take you there ♪

♪ Everybody's free
to feel good ♪

[Mrs. Shepard] Aaron?

Mom.

- Bobby.
- Hi.

- Bobby, this is spectacular.
- Thank you.

And the kids are loving it.

I'm so glad you're here.

It means so much to me that you would
make it part of your trip, it really does.

You were right. Of course,
they should see this.

It's their history too.

Congrats!

You're a four on
the Kinsey Scale.

You're a bisexual.

Well.

- Bye!
- Bye!

Thanks for teaching
me about Liberace!

Any time!

You know, we just
hit three months.

How do you think it's going?

I think it's going pretty well.

How do you think it's going?

I think it's going
pretty well too.

Well, good.

- Good job.
- Yeah.

- Bye, boys!
- [Aaron] Bye, Mom!

You want kids someday, right?

No.

- Bobby.
- Absolutely not.

- Oh, Bobby.
- No.

- Come on. Bobby.
- No. No.

Where are you going?

I'm not having children
wherever I'm going.

- Come on. I want kids.
- No, no.

♪ …when I was younger ♪

♪ That I should've just
danced When I didn't want to ♪

♪ But hindsight's 20/20 ♪

♪ What's a boy to do ♪

♪ With a story in my
head That's never true ♪

["Hindsight" continues playing]

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.