Original subtitles

- How was yoga, Sheila? - Oh, terrible.

The guy in front of me wasn't wearing underwear,

and his downward dog wasn't neutered.

Really? Maybe I should take up yoga.

I'm feeling a little stiff.

Happy Saturday!

What are you wearing?

Oh, this?

Just the coolest shirt of the last 65 million years.

And my chances of being a grandmother have gone extinct.

Max is taking me to the natural history museum today.

And I'm her date.

How the hell are you in my life?

Even I would've picked on you in school.

You're gonna stand there

and tell something cold-blooded that it's not cool?

Boom! Joke and a science fact. Take that, haters.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Why do you have a baby?

Yeah, I don't remember getting an Amber Alert.

Oh, look at him.

Oh, he's so much cuter than you were as a baby, Katharine.

No. This is my nephew, Thor. I'm watching him for my sister.

Thor? His name is Thor?

Damn. Now I got to rename my vibrator.

Same.

My sister married a comic book nerd.

Their vows were in Klingon.

Klingon? What a couple of dorks.

He's so adorable.

Do you feel any maternal stirrings,

or have your ovaries turned to stone?

I am fine with babies.

I just prefer the kind that are covered in fur

and fall on their feet when you drop 'em.

Do not hand her that baby.

I like this getup.

You want to take him for a ride?

I want you to take me for a ride.

- When's your sister picking him up? - Tomorrow morning.

But we're going to the museum today.

Dinosaurs, rocks, stuffed animals.

There's nothing there for a kid.

Come on. We'll take him with us.

What if he embarrasses us?

He'll love it. Right, Thor?

The God of Thunder says that sounds bitchin'!

All right, I'll give it a try.

I've got my eye on you.

Don't you ruin this for me.

I'm lovin' this kid.

Now, Thor, some of the exhibits

on early humans will feature some tasteful nudity.

So try not to stare.

And definitely no touching.

Learned that the hard way.

Grade school field trip?

Last month.

So that's why the security guard keeps following us.

Oh.

Oh.

Look at you. Good with babies.

To be fair, I do the same thing with Carter when he's cranky.

You want to hold him?

Oh, no thanks. The only tiny, whiny thing I like is Phil.

Come on. Don't you just want to eat him up?

Like a little baby kebab?

Mmm.

Yeah, that hand was down his diaper five minutes ago.

I never realized you're not into babies.

Stop saying that. I can be good with babies.

Look, I'm here. I'm gone.

I'm here, I'm gone.

And it's fun

because you haven't learned the permanence of objects yet.

See?

I'm sorry. I was wrong.

You totally get kids.

I'm gonna go to the restroom

before we hit the gem and mineral exhibit

because we are going to be there a long time.

I get very fired up about igneous rocks.

- Lava, fire. - Mm. Yeah.

But when you see the plaque,

you're going to erupt with laughter.

- Stop it. Oy. - Okay, that was the last one.

- I pumice. - Oy.

You three are such a cute family.

- Oh, we're actually not... - Thank you.

He looks just like you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

He's bald and has three chins.

How does she think that's a compliment?

You should see her do "Baby Shark." It's a showstopper.

You have a great day.

Why did you let her think we're a family?

Because I get looks if I say, "Oh, this isn't my baby."

Oh, that never stopped my mom from saying it.

This is my manager.

- Here? Please. Yeah? - Yeah. No.

- Yeah, yeah. - No, I just told you,

- I have to... Oh. - Hello?

Yeah, now's a great time.

What's with that face?

Can you smell my fear?

Oh.

Oh. Okay, uh, okay.

We're gonna bounce? We're bouncing. We're bouncing.

Okay. Is this bouncing helping you?

It's making my pee situation worse.

Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.

That is helping.

Yeah, that's a good Thor.

You know what, Thor? That's a dumb name.

I'm gonna call you...

Carl.

That was my dad's middle name.

He's a really great guy. He's up there now.

Yeah. Yeah, not up there with that pterodactyl in the rafters,

but, like, the big "up there."

You know, I don't know if I'm the one

to be teaching you about death.

However, do you remember our conversation

about object permanence?

Ooh. Ooh, a little baby toot.

Oh, wow. That is pungent.

Yeah, that was not me.

That was the baby.

Whew. Carl.

You know what? This dam's about to break,

and only one of us is wearing a diaper. Let's go.

- It's slow today. - Yeah.

Good day for Kat to take off.

Uh-huh.

But we're not gonna tell her that, though, right?

Hell no.

I guess we could restock the shelves in the storeroom.

Yeah, we probably should.

All right, well, give me a hand with these boxes.

I'm on my break.

Hey, baby.

- Hi. - Hi.

I'm pretty sure he was talking to me.

Well, bless your heart.

You pick a movie for tonight?

Ooh. So, I've narrowed it down to Bride of Chucky,

Seed of Chucky,

- or Cult of Chucky. - Mm.

Ah, yes. Chucky.

Like a Murder-Me Elmo.

And, Phil, you are helping me

when you're done with your break.

Of course. I just hope you don't finish before I'm back.

I can't wait to watch the movie with you tonight, baby.

Smart move watching a horror movie

so your girl snuggles up all close to you during the scary bits.

Scary bits is also what I call a woman's private parts.

Phil, you ever told a lie on a first date?

I don't think I've ever told the truth on a first date.

Between you and me, I hate horror movies.

But Randi said she loved them on our first date,

and I wanted to see her scary bits, so...

Well, why not just tell her the truth?

Because that woman has crazy trust issues.

I mean, if she knew I lied about one thing,

she'll think I lied about a lot of things.

Did you lie about a lot of things?

Of course I did.

I mean, "I like scary movies" led to

"I like Milk Duds just like you" led to

"Yeah, I like camping." Camping, Phil.

Do you know what happens to people who go camping?

I do, because I've seen every damn horror movie.

And you know who they kill first?

The handsome, funny Black guy.

You know what candy I like?

Sour Patch Kids.

They're my body shape, and I feel seen.

Maybe I should be dating you, Phil.

I knew you'd come around, baby.

Okay, Carl, welcome to the ladies' room,

where the seats are always down,

and toilet paper is the currency of the realm.

Uh, pardonne-moi.

Would you mind holding this tiny humanoid

whilst I relieve myself?

Actually, wait. Are you a weirdo?

Yes, I'm the weirdo.

When you're a little older, I'll tell you

what your middle finger's for.

All right, Carl, let's do this.

There's no shelf? Why is there no baby shelf?

Okay.

Hmm.

I don't think that's a very good idea at all, but it's very cute!

All right.

I'm like a teenage boy trying to get to third base.

Oh, I have an idea.

I'll make you a little nest.

Fun fact... my mother calls these "cootie catchers."

And she calls this sweater...

a "loneliness catcher."

Here we go. Here we go.

Okay. All right.

Now, Carl, here's the thing. I'm a little pee shy, so...

Carl? Carl?

Oh, yeah. Hi.

Um, can you roll that baby back to me?

Also, I like your shoes.

Okay, if Uncle Max asks if I put you

on the filthy, pee-pee bathroom floor, what do you say?

Exactly. Perfect.

Okay. Sorry about that. Everything go okay?

Yeah. Easy-breezy, no trouble, double-bubble.

Well, I don't know if this is your pee or floor pee,

but it doesn't matter. It's still pee.

Oh, damn it.

Hmm.

Ready?

Yeah, so, Carl and I have just been hanging out.

Oh, by the way, Thor goes by "Carl" now.

And what if I told you, you never had to buy a towel again?

We got to get out of here.

What do you mean?

Did you steal a moon rock? I did, too!

If we get caught, blame the baby.

My manager's shopping a song around,

and Miranda Lambert might be interested.

Oh, that's big.

Not unlike the moon rock that Carl hid in his diaper bag.

I need to change the lyrics by the end of the day.

It was about a truck,

and now, it needs to be about infertility.

But what are you gonna do with Carl?

I was thinking maybe you could help?

Oh, I don't know, Max.

No. Like you just said...

easy-breezy, no trouble, double-bubble.

Don't use my love of wordplay against me.

Please. Really need you.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

What do you mean?

Carl, do you know what she means?

Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Great. You mean babysit, right?

Not drop him off at the fire station?

Max, what kind of person do you think I am?

I'm gonna need a verbal "yes."

- Ooh, popcorn. - Not just popcorn.

Great. The Duds.

All right.

It is Chucky time.

Are you ready to get your stabbing on?

You know it.

But if you want to get really freaky,

there's a new movie featuring Dame Judi Dench.

- Wait. Who? - You know, Dame Judi Dench.

Shakespeare in Love, Pride and Prejudice, Chocolat.

Anyway, it's a rom-com.

Well, is it scary?

Ah, there is a fear of commitment.

That sounds boring.

Might as well read a book. Come on, let's watch.

Okay. Yeah, let's do it.

You know, I know I love horror movies

because I said I love horror movies,

and why would I lie about that, but what do you love about them?

Oh, everything.

The jump scares, the blood, not being able to sleep at night.

- Ooh. - Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Ditto.

I guess I really got into them when I was a teenager,

which makes sense because that's when

I started dealing with depression.

I guess it kind of helped me feel something

instead of being numb all the time.

Hmm. That does make sense.

Plus, I cannot get enough of screaming white people.

Oh. Here comes your Dud.

Yay.

I have a PhD in mathematics.

How am I losing to a baby cage?

You know, it would be nice if I had another person to help.

Hello?

Noise-canceling.

Oh, so you can hear me?

Not a word.

Stay 'n Play, my ass.

Should be called the Sweat 'n Cry.

If you can't keep him quiet,

I'm gonna go work in the other room.

Oh. Yeah, that's just great. I mean, you can't even

pitch in for, like, two minutes? This baby was your idea.

I'm sorry, Kat.

You know I have a deadline.

Oh, well, you know what?

Why don't you at least show your face to Carl

before you leave so he doesn't forget what you look like!

Why are you always so dramatic?

Oh, I'm the dramatic one?

That is ridiculous. Just go!

Don't have to tell me twice.

I need a drink.

You know what? We don't need him.

Oh. Ah. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh!

Remember earlier we talked about the middle finger?

Okay, Carl. You ate, you burped, you farted.

That's all I need to do before I go to sleep.

You leave me no choice.

I'm really sorry for what I'm about to do.

Hello, Mother?

Oh, Katharine, I'm so glad you called.

You've never said that before. What's going on?

I'm organizing a clothing drive for the needy.

Where do you keep your mannish suits?

Wait. Are you in my apartment?

Why would you give me a key

if you didn't want me to go through your things?

I didn't give you a key.

Katharine, why are you calling?

I need help. How do I stop a baby from crying?

I used to put you in the car.

Oh. And drive around?

No, and go back inside.

Seriously?

I cracked a window, snowflake.

This is my fault for calling.

Yes, it is, dear.

All right. Goodbye, Mother.

Oh. Oh, please stop crying.

I'll give you 20 bucks if you stop crying.

Oh. Oh. I've got a five and a wrinkled cat toy.

Oh. Do you like that?

Yeah, you do.

I got a laser pointer, we got a Roomba.

We could go all night.

Look at that. Yes!

Why am I afraid of that movie?

He's just a doll. A stupid pretend doll.

With the knife skills of a psychotic Benihana chef.

Think happy thoughts.

Benihana, shrimp tossed in my mouth,

making friends with my table mates.

"Well, hi, Jeff and Eileen from Maryland.

And who is this cute little... ?"

Ah! It's Chucky!

I got to man up and tell her I hate these movies.

Randi?

What's going on?

I hate horror movies.

Wha... what? You-you told me you loved them.

You-you lied to me?

I'm sorry.

Well,

I guess I'm just going to have to cut you off.

What?

I'm never gonna sleep.

I wonder what time Benihana opens.

Hmm.

Oh, hey.

You two look pretty adorable.

Oh. Thanks.

He's a sweet little guy.

If you wake him, I'll kill you.

Also, the entire left side of my body's asleep.

- Don't worry. I got him. - Ooh.

Drop a baby one time, you never do it again.

Ah. Oh, man, he's really out.

Yeah, I read to him.

He liked Goodnight Moon,

but he really liked Murray Spiegel's

Advanced Mathematics for Engineers and Scientists.

Oh.

I never understood why parents like to watch their baby sleep,

but now I get it.

It's like I won,

and you lost, Carl. In your face.

Thanks for your help.

Did you finish your song?

Yeah. And not to brag,

but it might be the best country song ever written

about polycystic ovary syndrome.

Sorry I was so stressed earlier.

Oh, stop. We make a pretty good team.

Yeah, we do.

Yikes.

That is not sweat.

No, it's not.

Is... is this a cat toy?

- Don't criticize me. - I'm not crit...

It's your tone.

Carter?

Yeah?

What are you doing?!

Definitely not looking for a tiny, redheaded maniac.

Wait. Did that movie give you bad dreams?

It did not because...

I have not been asleep yet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry you're so soft.

Soft? Please.

I don't even wear a glove when I play golf.

We've watched so many horror movies.

I'm surprised that's the one that got you.

What about Candyman? You weren't afraid of Candyman.

I will jump out that window if you say "Candyman" again!

Oh, God. I just said it!

Okay, what the hell is going on?

I don't like horror movies.

What?

If you're gonna get me with a chainsaw,

please spare the hair.

But you told me you liked them.

We watched all nine Saw movies in one day.

It was the most romantic Valentine's ever.

And I was terrified.

That's why we did it with the lights on.

Plus, we had just started dating,

and you told me you loved 'em, and I wanted you to like me.

What else have you lied about?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

Milk Duds. I mean, I just swallow 'em like pills.

But that's it. And camping.

I mean, I know bears crap in the woods, but why do I have to?

Carter, we have been dating for more than a year.

I thought I knew you.

Baby, I'm the same Carter you said you loved yesterday.

Except my real name isn't Carter. It's Charles.

- Charles?! - My grandma was hard of hearing.

Nobody wanted to correct her, so here we are.

You are not making this better, Charles.

Come on. I'm a guy who would do something he hates

just to make you happy.

Well, I want a guy who tells me the truth.

This is the truth.

It took a long time for you to take down your walls,

and I was afraid if I said anything, you'd put 'em back up.

I don't like Prince.

Excuse me?!

He's tiny, and he's weird, and his music ain't all that.

But I know that he's your favorite, and that's why

I just smile and nod whenever you put his songs on.

I don't know what to say except...

this is what it sounds like when Carter cries.

- Baby, I did... - Mm.

But I'm sor...

One latte coming right up.

Why are you so tired?

Baby. Why are you so tired?

Dame Judi Dench marathon.

We found a movie where she stabs someone.

It was a win for everybody.

Oh, are you tired, too?

No, y'all are just boring.

I never have a bad night of sleep.

The key is light stretching, a warm bath

and a handful of cheap Canadian sedatives

washed down with vodka.

Hey, guys. Can I get a coffee?

Oh, sure. Phil?

Sorry. I just started my break.

How'd the drop-off go with Carl?

Did he say anything about me?

Just a toot and a smile.

Oh, that's so Carl.

- Who's Carl? - Oh, Carl's Thor.

- Who's Thor? - The tastiest Hemsworth.

You really were great with him.

Well, she learned from the best.

That's right, Mother, I did. My nanny Adela.

It was kind of nice being a little family yesterday.

Yeah, I liked playing dad.

I even went to the Home Depot

and learned the name of the paint guy.

It was Carl.

Oh.

I think I want to have a baby.

It's gonna make my mother really happy,

but I'm gonna do it anyway.

? Oh, yeah, yeah, oh ?

? Keep pushing to the top ?

? Got to work on it, no time to stop ?

? Let nobody tell me what to do ?

? Do your best thing, best thing, ooh ?

- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -