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1
00:00:00,957 --> 00:00:04,787
♪
2
00:00:04,830 --> 00:00:07,137
I'm thinking about
using the bathroom.
3
00:00:07,181 --> 00:00:10,097
- Go for it.
- It's a no-brainer!
4
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:12,273
Wow, this one's brand-new.
5
00:00:12,316 --> 00:00:15,319
Hold my purse.
I'm gonna christen this puppy.
6
00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:18,192
- Get it, girl!
- Drop one on 'em, Mama!
7
00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:20,629
Whoa, whoa!
8
00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:23,849
The boys forgot
to chain this up.
9
00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:26,156
They know my mom's
visiting next week.
10
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,854
Dammit, she deserves
a fresh one!
11
00:00:31,814 --> 00:00:33,337
You journaling
right now, Steve?
12
00:00:33,381 --> 00:00:35,252
I'm working on an essay
about my dad
13
00:00:35,296 --> 00:00:37,167
for a contest in English class.
14
00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:40,518
I'm focusing on Stan Smith
the softball star.
15
00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:42,042
Love that.
16
00:00:42,085 --> 00:00:43,173
You have a title yet?
17
00:00:43,217 --> 00:00:44,870
I'm thinking...
18
00:00:44,914 --> 00:00:46,350
My Dad.
19
00:00:46,394 --> 00:00:48,526
Wow.
20
00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:51,181
I'm pretty sure I love that.
21
00:00:51,225 --> 00:00:54,532
Just look at him, Klaus--
totally in his element.
22
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:57,144
Yeah, I don't like chicken
in my pasta, either.
23
00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:58,667
Switch it up.
24
00:00:58,710 --> 00:01:01,583
The picture of a ballplayer.
25
00:01:01,626 --> 00:01:04,716
Let's go, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's friggin' go.
26
00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:10,070
♪
27
00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:12,202
Time, blue.
28
00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:14,770
[bat hits ball]
29
00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:16,467
Stay down on that ball!
30
00:01:16,511 --> 00:01:18,817
Hey, it's okay,
short memory, right?
31
00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:20,819
But don't [bleep] up
like that again.
32
00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:23,779
♪
33
00:01:23,822 --> 00:01:24,823
Safe!
34
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:27,217
[all cheering]
35
00:01:27,261 --> 00:01:28,740
It's only the second inning.
36
00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:29,828
Not for us.
37
00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:31,482
Yes, it is!
38
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,963
[patriotic music plays]
39
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:36,618
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
40
00:01:36,661 --> 00:01:40,491
♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day♪
41
00:01:40,535 --> 00:01:43,755
♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face♪
42
00:01:43,799 --> 00:01:47,977
♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race♪
43
00:01:49,848 --> 00:01:53,156
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say♪
44
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,463
-♪ Good--♪
-♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
45
00:01:55,506 --> 00:01:56,768
Aah!
46
00:01:58,074 --> 00:02:01,512
♪ Good morning, U.S.A.♪
47
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:04,646
STEVE: Webster's dictionary
defines "hero"
48
00:02:04,689 --> 00:02:08,389
as a mythological figure
of great strength or ability.
49
00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:11,827
- I define hero as my dad...
-"...I define hero as my dad.
50
00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:14,308
My dad is strong.
My dad is good.
51
00:02:14,351 --> 00:02:17,049
My dad could hit a ball
very far.
52
00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:20,140
If my dad raced your dad,
he'd win.
53
00:02:20,183 --> 00:02:21,489
Because he's a winner.
54
00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:25,536
Because he's my dad."
55
00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:26,581
Steve...
56
00:02:26,624 --> 00:02:28,060
Yes, Dad?
57
00:02:28,104 --> 00:02:30,628
This essay is so bad.
58
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:33,196
It's robotic, zero artistry,
59
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,198
"maudlin drivel"
comes to mind.
60
00:02:35,242 --> 00:02:36,330
What a dick.
61
00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:38,810
I wanna know more
about Stan the man.
62
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:40,812
The guy behind the uniform.
63
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,162
I'll tell you what!
64
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:44,425
Why don't you shadow me
at the CIA?
65
00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:46,296
Really? Wow, thanks!
66
00:02:46,340 --> 00:02:48,037
Hey. Don't push it.
67
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:53,260
Oh, my God. I can't believe Dad!
What a jerk!
68
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:55,262
He just has
high standards...
69
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,481
Can I see your essay?
70
00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:59,657
Whoa...
aren't you a little old
71
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,485
to worship Dad like this?
72
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:04,009
[scoffs]
I don't worship Dad...
73
00:03:04,053 --> 00:03:08,013
You just think if he
"fought a Tyrannosaurus Rex,
74
00:03:08,057 --> 00:03:09,972
- he would win"--
- Prove he wouldn't!
75
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,496
[knocking on plastic]
76
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:13,889
FRANCINE: [muffled] Hello?
77
00:03:15,543 --> 00:03:17,545
This is how it ends?!
78
00:03:17,588 --> 00:03:20,025
I'm gonna die in a Porta John?!
79
00:03:20,069 --> 00:03:21,157
[plastic crunches]
80
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:31,646
[muffled] Wow, this thing's
light as [bleep]
81
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:34,910
♪
82
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,651
There's my little daddy's boy!
83
00:03:36,694 --> 00:03:38,000
Ready to hand in that essay?
84
00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:40,611
Mr. Fritz, I need an extension.
85
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:42,134
Extension?!
86
00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:44,267
But I read the last draft
with the Tyrannosaurus Rex,
87
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,138
it was terrific...
What happened?
88
00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:48,010
My dad thinks it needs work.
89
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:50,969
Look, Steve, I started
an essay contest about dads
90
00:03:51,013 --> 00:03:53,102
because I love and admire dads.
91
00:03:53,145 --> 00:03:54,321
But dads aren't always right.
92
00:03:54,364 --> 00:03:55,757
Most of the time, yes.
93
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,281
99.9% of the time
they're 100% right.
94
00:03:58,325 --> 00:04:00,501
But in this case,
a dad is wrong.
95
00:04:00,544 --> 00:04:03,199
Your essay is perfection.
Just hand it in!
96
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:07,029
I can't hand in an essay about
my dad that my dad doesn't like!
97
00:04:07,072 --> 00:04:09,249
[sighs]
98
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:11,468
I don't like an unhappy dad...
99
00:04:11,512 --> 00:04:13,688
I'll give you two more days.
100
00:04:13,731 --> 00:04:14,906
But that's it.
101
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:17,431
Thank you, you won't regret it.
102
00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:19,737
I hope you're right.
103
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:22,436
What, Billy, what do you want.
104
00:04:22,479 --> 00:04:24,612
I just wanted to say hi.
105
00:04:24,655 --> 00:04:25,961
Hi.
106
00:04:26,004 --> 00:04:28,442
♪
107
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:30,792
For lunch I like the tuna
from Rocky's
108
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:33,055
but the macaroni salad
from Sub's Galore.
109
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,186
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow-- slow down.
110
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:35,753
Why am I here again?
111
00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:37,668
'Cause Dad won't drive me
to school afterwards.
112
00:04:37,712 --> 00:04:40,584
Dad, could we circle back
to softball for a sec?
113
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:42,020
What's your batting average?
114
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,631
Eh, not much of a stats guy,
115
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:45,285
more of a W's guy.
116
00:04:45,328 --> 00:04:47,199
Steve, check it out.
This is a thing I do
117
00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:49,854
that everyone loves.
118
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,203
People love that?
119
00:04:51,247 --> 00:04:53,510
I-- I think so...
120
00:04:53,554 --> 00:04:54,772
Hey, you guys love
121
00:04:54,816 --> 00:04:56,687
when I throw Dick's lunch
in the trash, right?
122
00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:58,602
That's your hero, Steve?
123
00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:00,430
Why does it bother you so much?
124
00:05:00,474 --> 00:05:01,692
It doesn't bother me,
125
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,694
I'm just trying to help you
grow up, gawd!
126
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:05,348
I'll be in the car.
127
00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:06,523
Four people said they love it,
128
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,786
five said they really love it.
129
00:05:11,398 --> 00:05:12,573
SHADOWY FIGURE:
You're right about Stan--
130
00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:13,748
Aah!
131
00:05:13,791 --> 00:05:15,358
- Dick?
- I'm not Dick.
132
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:16,490
Who are you?
133
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:18,230
SHADOWY FIGURE:
Call me "Deep Dick."
134
00:05:18,274 --> 00:05:19,406
Why are you in my car?
135
00:05:19,449 --> 00:05:20,842
SHADOWY FIGURE:
Because you're right.
136
00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:22,844
Stan's no hero.
137
00:05:22,887 --> 00:05:25,281
This star softball player
routine?
138
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,369
A big lie.
139
00:05:26,413 --> 00:05:28,240
He sucks shit!
140
00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:29,677
But he's got everyone fooled!
141
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,288
And I want him exposed.
142
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,029
He's been on the team 10 years,
143
00:05:34,072 --> 00:05:35,683
how could he fool
everyone for so long?
144
00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:36,727
SHADOWY FIGURE: Tricks!
145
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:39,295
[car door opens]
146
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,905
- What's Dick doing here?
- SHADOWY FIGURE: Deep Dick.
147
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:42,603
He says Dad's bad at softball.
148
00:05:42,646 --> 00:05:44,779
He's probably pissed
he threw his lunch in the trash.
149
00:05:44,822 --> 00:05:47,608
SHADOWY FIGURE: Again?!
Look, don't take my word for it.
150
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,958
Go to the file room.
Check the softball records.
151
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:52,047
Grrreat! I welcome the chance
152
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,875
to slurp up
that delicious evidence
153
00:05:53,918 --> 00:05:56,138
that Dad is all he says he is.
154
00:05:56,181 --> 00:05:58,749
SHADOWY FIGURE: You'll need to
pass a retina scan to get in.
155
00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:01,622
Are those... loose eyeballs?
156
00:06:01,665 --> 00:06:05,800
Mmm... I hate
to part with a green one.
157
00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,628
- Jackson?!
- Jackson?!
158
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:08,846
Guess again.
159
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:11,153
- Whoaaaaa.
- Whoaaaaa.
160
00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:15,244
♪
161
00:06:15,287 --> 00:06:17,028
Man, it's been hours.
162
00:06:17,072 --> 00:06:18,203
You find anything yet?
163
00:06:18,247 --> 00:06:20,336
Team rosters, game logs,
164
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,513
a recording of Bullock singing
John Fogerty's "Centerfield."
165
00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,341
- I'd like to hear that.
- What I didn't find
166
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,735
is any actual statistics on Dad.
167
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,389
Dad was in the lineup.
168
00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:32,348
Why does it say zero for zero
for his at-bats?
169
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,089
Maybe they walked him
every time.
170
00:06:34,132 --> 00:06:36,178
Pitchers fear his mighty bat.
171
00:06:36,221 --> 00:06:38,354
He also had zero plays
in the field?
172
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,095
Hitters fear his mighty glove.
173
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:42,097
Again zero...
174
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:44,099
Every game.
175
00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:46,449
Zero, zero.
176
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:48,669
It's like he's
not even participating.
177
00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:49,844
He's... he's...
178
00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:51,236
He's avoiding the ball,
179
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:52,499
ya damn fools!
180
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:53,891
Your dad's a fraud!
181
00:06:53,935 --> 00:06:56,677
Open your eyes, my God!
182
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,070
Sorry I lost my temper.
183
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:03,379
It's just I recently found out
that I'm a janitor.
184
00:07:04,162 --> 00:07:05,599
Dad's a fraud.
185
00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:08,384
He literally avoided
the ball for 10 years!
186
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,560
None of these documents
prove that.
187
00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:13,694
You're making assumptions
based on mere pieces of paper!
188
00:07:13,737 --> 00:07:16,479
- Ephemera!
- Oh, come on, man! Wake up!
189
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:19,134
I'm tired of you
whispering poison in his ear!
190
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,614
He needs to see the truth!
191
00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,006
I don't give a damn
about the truth!
192
00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:24,792
Just print the legend!!
193
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:27,447
Steve, you got
a gold star essay here,
194
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:29,274
why are you digging?!
195
00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:31,625
Because a deranged lunatic
has an axe to grind?
196
00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:34,366
She's probably an old flame
looking for vengeance!
197
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:35,803
She's my sister.
198
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,239
My-- my dad's daughter--
199
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,502
Let's review the facts.
200
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:41,852
Your dad is big. Your dad
is strong. Your dad could hit a ball very far.
201
00:07:41,896 --> 00:07:44,376
He can carry a Redwood tree,
karate-chop a python in half
202
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,335
and he makes giant pancakes
like Uncle Buck.
203
00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:48,729
These are the things we know,
204
00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:51,427
these are the things
that ground us!
205
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,516
I still think
he's all those things.
206
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,867
I just need time to prove it.
207
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:59,087
Two more days.
208
00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:04,875
- Get outta here! Get!
- Myha!
209
00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:06,398
Trust me, Hayley.
210
00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:09,053
Once you watch Dad play,
you'll see you were wrong.
211
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,752
♪
212
00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,536
Lefty! Switch!
213
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:18,019
♪
214
00:08:18,062 --> 00:08:19,716
Okay, what was that?
215
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,065
An out?
216
00:08:21,109 --> 00:08:22,719
♪
217
00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:24,373
Jackson, yours!
218
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,375
♪
219
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:28,725
Hey, you gotta
call those out, Jackson.
220
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,118
Communication.
221
00:08:30,161 --> 00:08:32,076
Come on, that was so obvious.
222
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:35,253
[scoffs]
Obvious Dad's not a ball hog?
223
00:08:35,297 --> 00:08:37,560
♪
224
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:39,388
Looked like a snake.
225
00:08:39,431 --> 00:08:41,477
Okay, let's just talk to him.
226
00:08:43,131 --> 00:08:47,048
So Hayley has this crazy idea
227
00:08:47,091 --> 00:08:49,137
that you have no stats
228
00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:51,226
because you've been avoiding
the ball for a decade
229
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,575
because you suck at softball.
230
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,577
That's an interesting theory.
231
00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:55,752
"Theory"?
232
00:08:55,796 --> 00:08:57,319
50 games.
233
00:08:57,362 --> 00:09:00,278
No hits, no put-outs. Nada.
234
00:09:00,322 --> 00:09:02,629
- Go ahead, check.
- I believe you.
235
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:05,327
- So you admit it?
- Admit our statistician--
236
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:08,025
Dick's mom--
has an axe to grind? Sure.
237
00:09:08,069 --> 00:09:11,202
Dick! Of course.
See, Hayley, I told you.
238
00:09:11,246 --> 00:09:13,204
- I told her, Dad.
- We watched you play.
239
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:15,119
You spent the whole game
avoiding the ball.
240
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:17,774
And you did take yourself out
in the last inning
241
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,384
when the score was tied...
242
00:09:19,428 --> 00:09:22,649
Because I shit my pants
from those fish tacos!
243
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:24,476
Has she gotten to you, Steve?
244
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,087
Just prove her wrong, Dad!
245
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:28,045
Play a whole game
at second base.
246
00:09:28,089 --> 00:09:30,004
No tricks.
247
00:09:30,047 --> 00:09:31,483
Come to today's game.
248
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,660
- Should we ride together?
- Let's caravan it.
249
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:36,663
I gotta listen to Gwar
at max volume to get hyped.
250
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:39,970
♪
251
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,189
[whistles]
252
00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:42,930
Dad's lookin' real confident.
253
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:44,540
Yeah, he does.
254
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,804
ANNOUNCER: Now batting,
Demetrius Mongoni.
255
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:51,460
A damn fine hitter
and my brother-in-law.
256
00:09:51,503 --> 00:09:52,983
Easy out, guys!
257
00:09:54,811 --> 00:09:56,770
STAN [thinking]: No-no-no-no-
no-please-God-no-Mommy-no-
258
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:58,206
I'm-scared-
I-don't-want-the-ball-
259
00:09:58,249 --> 00:10:00,208
nooooooooooo!
260
00:10:00,251 --> 00:10:03,124
♪
261
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:06,083
Nooooooooooo!
262
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:08,738
[heartbeat]
263
00:10:08,782 --> 00:10:15,658
♪
264
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:18,052
- [groans]
- Pick up the ball, Smith!
265
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,098
STAN:
Where is it, where is it?!
266
00:10:21,142 --> 00:10:24,754
♪
267
00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:27,278
ANNOUNCER:
Uh-oh, he's in a full-on panic!
268
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:29,454
He's fishing around
in his jock!
269
00:10:29,498 --> 00:10:31,065
[laughter]
270
00:10:31,108 --> 00:10:33,241
Why is this happening to me?
271
00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:35,678
Oh, I got it! I got the ball!
272
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:37,549
A pine cone?
273
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:40,422
And it looks like it belongs
to fan favorite Ricky Raccoon,
274
00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:43,512
the unofficial mascot of
the left-field bleacher bums.
275
00:10:43,555 --> 00:10:44,644
- [screaming]
- [raccoon snarling]
276
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:47,124
[crowd gasps]
277
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:50,954
FRANCINE: [muffled] Hello?
A little help here?
278
00:10:50,998 --> 00:10:54,349
We got a straggler. Yee-haw!
279
00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:56,090
[tires screech]
280
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,832
FRANCINE:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not you!
281
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,398
Ooh, look at that!
We got a runner!
282
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:02,574
Yee-haw!
283
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:06,100
- Aaaaah!
- Soooey!
284
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:13,760
♪
285
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:16,066
Sir, I'm so sorry
about the game.
286
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:18,808
I just don't get why
that raccoon was so butt hurt
287
00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:19,809
about his pine cone.
288
00:11:19,853 --> 00:11:21,637
A mystery indeed.
289
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,987
The important thing is
I want you to know
290
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:26,816
there's still a place
for you at the CIA.
291
00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:28,470
Thank you, sir.
292
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:29,514
[urinating]
293
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:32,692
Ahhhhhhh.
294
00:11:32,735 --> 00:11:35,303
You're welcome, piss boy.
295
00:11:35,346 --> 00:11:37,784
Goodbye, martinis!
296
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:40,177
[laughing]
297
00:11:44,573 --> 00:11:45,617
Hey, kiddo.
298
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:48,055
Want to toss
the ol' pill around?
299
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:51,885
I got to go meet my friends.
300
00:11:57,151 --> 00:12:01,198
"The man I admired
didn't really exist.
301
00:12:01,242 --> 00:12:06,943
He was a phantom, a figment,
the product of a con man."
302
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:09,032
[crying]
303
00:12:09,076 --> 00:12:11,208
"I realized my Paul Bunyan
304
00:12:11,252 --> 00:12:15,299
was actually
my Paul [crying] Bla-a-a-rt!"
305
00:12:15,343 --> 00:12:17,954
[sobs] Steve? Hello?
306
00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:24,700
Myeehhh!
307
00:12:28,443 --> 00:12:30,314
I owe you an apology, Dad.
308
00:12:30,358 --> 00:12:33,100
Stan's gone.
It's all in the note.
309
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,756
"You're better off without me.
310
00:12:36,799 --> 00:12:38,496
Don't try to find me.
311
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:39,933
I'm a broken man.
312
00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:43,153
I've gone to the place
all broken men go."
313
00:12:43,197 --> 00:12:44,285
Where's that?
314
00:12:44,328 --> 00:12:45,416
Beats me.
315
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:47,244
Hey, have you seen
your mom lately?
316
00:12:47,288 --> 00:12:49,769
- FRANCINE: Aaaaaah!
- [giggling]
317
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:51,074
Sooey!
318
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:55,470
♪
319
00:12:55,513 --> 00:12:57,515
Dad left! We have to find him!
320
00:12:57,559 --> 00:12:59,517
- Pass.
- Pass?
321
00:12:59,561 --> 00:13:02,042
Steve, he's your dad.
Are you drinking beer?
322
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:05,175
It's actually nonalcoholic,
but I've had 30 of them.
323
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,830
Ask me why. Dad! He's a fraud.
324
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:09,179
Who's a frog? Kermit?
325
00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,312
Dad. He left.
326
00:13:11,355 --> 00:13:13,880
Said he went to the place
all broken men go.
327
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:15,055
- Orlando?
- What?
328
00:13:15,098 --> 00:13:17,535
The place broken men go. Orlando.
329
00:13:17,579 --> 00:13:19,973
So are you going? I'd go.
Let's go!
330
00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:22,497
♪ Orlando-o-o
331
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,805
♪ We're gonna make it happen
332
00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:29,504
STAN: Hey!
333
00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:33,464
Every day.
334
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:45,259
♪
335
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:46,826
Get him, Stan!
336
00:13:46,869 --> 00:13:49,132
I just want to sell my drugs!
337
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:51,482
I saw an iguana use my toilet!
338
00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:52,962
I can give you a free soda.
339
00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,443
- [door opens]
- Didn't I say Orlando?
340
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,097
First place we checked too.
341
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,663
We're here to bring you home, Dad.
342
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:01,928
Your family needs you.
Your son needs you.
343
00:14:01,971 --> 00:14:03,146
He's not the same.
344
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:05,496
Well, he lost
an incredible hero.
345
00:14:05,540 --> 00:14:07,890
Now I'm a laughingstock,
a pariah.
346
00:14:07,934 --> 00:14:09,500
I could never
make that up to him.
347
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,938
You could try. I could help you.
348
00:14:11,981 --> 00:14:13,461
Are you thinking gifts?
349
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,680
Like a platinum ID bracelet
or toe ring?
350
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:17,334
I was thinking more
we practice softball
351
00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:19,467
so you could redeem yourself
in a game.
352
00:14:19,510 --> 00:14:21,338
Become the hero
he always thought you were.
353
00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:24,472
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No.
354
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:26,996
The truth is...
I'm afraid of the ball.
355
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,476
Yeah, no shit.
356
00:14:28,519 --> 00:14:31,348
As a boy, I witnessed
something terrible.
357
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,133
It traumatized me.
358
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:36,092
WOMAN: That's what
the iguana did to me!
359
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:39,356
Pop-ups.
360
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,402
People will tell you
to use two hands,
361
00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:42,969
but I'm a confident guy.
362
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:45,667
I use one. Check it out.
363
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,066
[children gasp]
364
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:58,941
There must've been something
else going on with his face.
365
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:02,553
Anyway, the point is,
I'm a broken man.
366
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:05,513
Yeah, well, you've got
a broken son right now.
367
00:15:05,556 --> 00:15:07,950
He needs someone
to believe in again.
368
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:09,560
He needs a hero.
369
00:15:09,604 --> 00:15:12,172
He needs his dad.
370
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,347
What do you say?
371
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,131
No. Hey!
372
00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:19,962
You're Houston Astros legend
Mudcat Ranelli, aren't you?
373
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:23,792
I could just be an anonymous
old man paying for sex.
374
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:25,141
Mudcat's my childhood hero.
375
00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:27,970
Okay, yes, I'm Mudcat Ranelli.
376
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:30,190
And that's why I'm a broken man
377
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,974
living in exile in Orlando.
378
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:33,845
Maybe you're a broken man,
379
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,500
but you got a broken son
right now.
380
00:15:36,544 --> 00:15:39,155
He needs someone
to believe in again.
381
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:41,462
He needs a hero.
382
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:43,986
He needs his dad.
383
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,292
What do you say?
384
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:46,771
- Yes.
- Just said that.
385
00:15:46,815 --> 00:15:50,123
You have a wonderful way
of communicating, Mudcat.
386
00:15:51,776 --> 00:15:53,953
Let's get it going! Hit me one!
387
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,130
[grunts]
388
00:15:58,392 --> 00:16:00,611
Wowza!
389
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:06,269
Dad, you can't quit!
You've got to keep going!
390
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:07,792
For Steve.
391
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:08,968
For me.
392
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:11,013
- For you?
- Yeah.
393
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:13,233
I guess this whole thing
reminded me
394
00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:15,235
you used to be my hero too.
395
00:16:15,278 --> 00:16:17,411
So, when did that stop?
396
00:16:17,454 --> 00:16:20,980
Worshipping your parents is just
a thing kids grow out of, Dad.
397
00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:24,374
"There is one sure thing
about the fall of gods.
398
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,420
They do not fall a little.
399
00:16:26,463 --> 00:16:30,946
They crash and shatter,
or sink deeply into green muck."
400
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:31,991
Steinbeck.
401
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,470
Also there was that time
402
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:34,819
you pissed yourself
at Chuck E. Cheese.
403
00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:37,126
I was drunk!
All the dads were doing it.
404
00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:40,912
But I think I could look up to
you again, if you could just
405
00:16:40,956 --> 00:16:42,958
face something that scared you.
406
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,656
Like finally watching
Hotel Transylvania
407
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:46,744
with my eyes open?
408
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:47,919
No, like softball.
409
00:16:47,963 --> 00:16:49,138
Shit.
410
00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:50,835
[sighs] Okay.
411
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,185
I'll try.
412
00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:56,928
Whoa, Mudcat!
Let me get you to a hospital.
413
00:16:56,972 --> 00:16:59,888
I can drive myself.
I just need to find my keys.
414
00:16:59,931 --> 00:17:01,107
Okay, Dad.
415
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,326
Let's get you over your fear
of the ball.
416
00:17:03,370 --> 00:17:05,502
[John Fogerty's "Centerfield"
plays]
417
00:17:05,546 --> 00:17:07,548
Got to keep
those eyes open, Dad!
418
00:17:07,591 --> 00:17:10,159
♪
419
00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:12,031
David "Flincher" over here.
420
00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,729
[chuckles] That's a good one.
421
00:17:14,772 --> 00:17:19,864
♪
422
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:21,910
♪ Put me in, Coach
423
00:17:21,953 --> 00:17:24,217
♪ I'm ready to play
424
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:26,045
♪ Today
425
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,264
Thought process here was that
watching Fear Factor
426
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:30,614
would also help you conquer
your fear of the ball.
427
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:33,574
Oh, don't eat those
habanero peppers!
428
00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,576
♪ Put me in, Coach
429
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,273
♪ I'm ready to play
430
00:17:37,317 --> 00:17:38,535
♪ Today
431
00:17:38,579 --> 00:17:39,580
See, Dad, you're doing it!
432
00:17:39,623 --> 00:17:40,885
♪ Look at me
433
00:17:40,929 --> 00:17:42,061
♪ I can be
434
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:45,194
I'm not afraid anymore!
435
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:47,762
[all gasp]
436
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:49,459
And I'm gettin' veneers!
437
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:50,547
[all cheer]
438
00:17:50,591 --> 00:17:52,723
♪ Centerfield
439
00:17:52,767 --> 00:17:55,204
[solemn music plays]
440
00:17:55,248 --> 00:18:01,863
♪
441
00:18:01,906 --> 00:18:03,604
Hey. You're ready, Dad.
442
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,867
Show Steve, show me,
443
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:08,087
show everyone
what you're made of.
444
00:18:11,438 --> 00:18:12,613
[crowd gasps]
445
00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:14,136
What's the meaning of this,
Smith?
446
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:17,487
I'm ready, sir.
Please. Give me a chance.
447
00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:20,273
I won't let you down.
448
00:18:20,316 --> 00:18:23,363
Smith is... in.
449
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:26,931
Damn it, no! This is a mistake!
450
00:18:26,975 --> 00:18:31,110
Two outs, man on third.
Everything on the line.
451
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,372
Thoughts?
452
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:34,069
He'll never score, sir.
453
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,810
That's great news!
454
00:18:37,942 --> 00:18:39,596
- Mongoni?
- Mongoni?
455
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,076
KLAUS: Yeah, Mongoni.
456
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,296
Mm, he's a total ringer.
457
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:45,124
Plays on, like, five teams.
458
00:18:57,179 --> 00:19:01,401
Ye-e-e-s-s-s!
459
00:19:06,710 --> 00:19:09,452
No-o-o-o-o!
460
00:19:09,496 --> 00:19:12,107
Mmm-m-m.
461
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,414
[grunting]
462
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,024
I got it!
463
00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:18,592
- [screaming]
- [snarling]
464
00:19:18,635 --> 00:19:20,159
[all gasping]
465
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,726
[cheers and applause]
466
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:31,822
You cost me a shutout, Smith!
467
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:34,042
You already proved your point!
468
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:36,871
Did you really need to
tear Dad down again?!
469
00:19:36,914 --> 00:19:39,178
I wasn't trying
to tear him down.
470
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:41,484
I was trying
to build him back up.
471
00:19:41,528 --> 00:19:42,833
- You were?
- Yeah.
472
00:19:42,877 --> 00:19:44,879
I used to worship him too,
you know?
473
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:47,664
And I am sorry for taking
that away from you.
474
00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,231
It's okay.
475
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:52,321
Even though I wasn't quite ready
to lose my superhero,
476
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,367
everyone's time comes, I guess.
477
00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:55,846
Not me.
478
00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:59,502
I still have my superhero--
Chris Pratt.
479
00:19:59,546 --> 00:20:01,852
So funny. So sexy.
480
00:20:01,896 --> 00:20:04,246
He's an important reminder
that we all have
481
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:07,902
a responsibility
to be both those things.
482
00:20:10,383 --> 00:20:13,212
Dad, Hayley and I
wrote a new essay.
483
00:20:13,255 --> 00:20:14,909
Read it.
484
00:20:14,952 --> 00:20:19,696
[weakly] "Our dad might not be
a superhero or a sports hero.
485
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:22,221
But he showed up and tried.
486
00:20:22,264 --> 00:20:23,874
For us.
487
00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:27,574
And that's why he's...
our hero."
488
00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:31,273
Thank you, guys.
But this is still very bad.
489
00:20:31,317 --> 00:20:34,363
Shhhh. Just rest now.
490
00:20:34,407 --> 00:20:37,236
Have you seen your mother?
491
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,368
[dramatic music plays]
492
00:20:39,412 --> 00:20:52,599
♪
493
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:54,862
FRANCINE: Hello?
494
00:20:54,905 --> 00:20:56,516
MAN: Hey, what's up?
495
00:20:56,559 --> 00:20:57,995
Bye! Have a great time!
496
00:20:58,045 --> 00:21:02,595
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