All language subtitles for clerks-iii-2022-1080p-webrip-x264-rarbg

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek Download
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian Download
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian Download
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:01,463 --> 00:01:04,367 ♪ When I was a young boy 2 00:01:04,469 --> 00:01:09,072 ♪ My father took me Into the city 3 00:01:09,174 --> 00:01:13,540 ♪ To see a marching band 4 00:01:13,642 --> 00:01:17,216 ♪ He said "Son, when you grow up 5 00:01:17,318 --> 00:01:21,987 ♪ "Would you be the savior Of the broken 6 00:01:22,089 --> 00:01:26,454 ♪ "The beaten and the damned?" 7 00:01:26,556 --> 00:01:29,822 ♪ He said "Will you defeat them? 8 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:34,594 ♪ "Your demons And all the non-believers 9 00:01:34,696 --> 00:01:39,204 ♪ "The plans that They have made? 10 00:01:39,306 --> 00:01:42,743 ♪ "Because one day I'll leave you 11 00:01:42,845 --> 00:01:45,541 ♪ "A phantom to lead you 12 00:01:45,643 --> 00:01:50,844 ♪ "In the summer To join the black parade" 13 00:02:05,395 --> 00:02:08,266 ♪ When I was a young boy 14 00:02:08,368 --> 00:02:13,169 ♪ My father took me Into the city 15 00:02:13,271 --> 00:02:17,472 ♪ To see a marching band 16 00:02:17,574 --> 00:02:21,313 ♪ He said "Son, when you grow up 17 00:02:21,415 --> 00:02:25,952 ♪ "Would you be the savior Of the broken 18 00:02:26,054 --> 00:02:29,421 ♪ "The beaten and the damned?" 19 00:02:46,635 --> 00:02:48,974 ♪ Sometimes I get the feeling 20 00:02:49,076 --> 00:02:51,343 ♪ She's watching over me 21 00:02:51,445 --> 00:02:56,315 ♪ And other times I feel like I should go 22 00:02:56,417 --> 00:02:58,918 ♪ And through it all The rise and fall 23 00:02:59,021 --> 00:03:01,486 ♪ The bodies in the streets 24 00:03:01,588 --> 00:03:03,349 ♪ And when you're gone We want you all to know 25 00:03:05,189 --> 00:03:07,727 ♪ We'll carry on 26 00:03:07,829 --> 00:03:09,624 ♪ We'll carry on 27 00:03:09,726 --> 00:03:12,463 ♪ And though You're dead and gone 28 00:03:12,565 --> 00:03:14,834 ♪ Believe me Your memory will carry on 29 00:03:14,936 --> 00:03:16,901 Yes! 30 00:03:17,003 --> 00:03:19,601 ♪ We'll carry on 31 00:03:19,703 --> 00:03:23,405 ♪ And in my heart I can't contain it 32 00:03:23,507 --> 00:03:25,607 ♪ The anthem won't explain it 33 00:03:25,709 --> 00:03:28,046 ♪ A world that Sends you reeling 34 00:03:28,149 --> 00:03:30,214 ♪ From decimated dreams... 35 00:03:30,316 --> 00:03:32,411 Fuck you! Somebody get over here. 36 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,980 Back up! Back up! 37 00:03:35,884 --> 00:03:38,320 ♪ So paint it black And take it back 38 00:03:38,423 --> 00:03:40,787 ♪ Let's shout it loud and clear 39 00:03:40,889 --> 00:03:44,698 ♪ Defiant to the end We hear the call 40 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:47,096 ♪ To carry on 41 00:03:47,198 --> 00:03:49,499 ♪ We'll carry on 42 00:03:49,601 --> 00:03:51,766 ♪ And though You're dead and gone 43 00:03:51,868 --> 00:03:57,040 ♪ Believe me Your memory will carry on 44 00:03:57,142 --> 00:03:59,345 ♪ We'll carry on 45 00:03:59,447 --> 00:04:03,114 ♪ And though you're broken And defeated 46 00:04:03,217 --> 00:04:05,846 ♪ Your weary widow marches 47 00:04:05,948 --> 00:04:09,483 ♪ On and on we carry Through the fears 48 00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:15,292 ♪ Disappointed faces Of your peers 49 00:04:15,394 --> 00:04:17,362 All right. Spread out. Ready? 50 00:04:17,464 --> 00:04:21,530 ♪ 'Cause I could not Care at all 51 00:04:21,632 --> 00:04:23,798 ♪ Do or die You'll never make me 52 00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:26,866 ♪ Because the world Will never take my heart 53 00:04:26,968 --> 00:04:29,506 ♪ Go and try You'll never break me 54 00:04:29,609 --> 00:04:32,278 ♪ We want it all We wanna play this part 55 00:04:32,380 --> 00:04:34,742 ♪ I won't explain or say I'm sorry 56 00:04:34,844 --> 00:04:37,877 ♪ I'm unashamed I'm gonna show my scar 57 00:04:37,979 --> 00:04:40,583 ♪ Give a cheer For all the broken 58 00:04:40,685 --> 00:04:42,985 ♪ Listen here Because it's who we are 59 00:04:44,858 --> 00:04:46,425 Whoo! 60 00:04:46,527 --> 00:04:48,590 ♪ Just a boy Who had to sing this song 61 00:04:48,692 --> 00:04:50,124 ♪ I'm just a man I'm not a hero 62 00:04:51,394 --> 00:04:55,065 ♪ I don't care 63 00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:57,133 ♪ We'll carry on 64 00:04:57,235 --> 00:04:59,904 ♪ We'll carry on 65 00:05:02,207 --> 00:05:03,705 ♪ Believe me 66 00:05:03,807 --> 00:05:09,647 ♪ Your weary widow Marches on ♪ 67 00:05:20,593 --> 00:05:22,194 ♪ Pork roll Egg and cheese 68 00:05:22,296 --> 00:05:23,591 ♪ Pork roll Egg and what? 69 00:05:23,693 --> 00:05:25,363 ♪ Pork roll Egg and cheese 70 00:05:25,465 --> 00:05:26,928 ♪ Pork roll Egg and what? ♪ 71 00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:29,601 Uh, uh, uh. 72 00:05:31,103 --> 00:05:32,336 Excuse me. 73 00:05:32,438 --> 00:05:34,635 Yo, is anybody working or, uh... 74 00:05:34,737 --> 00:05:36,210 You know what you want or what? 75 00:05:36,312 --> 00:05:38,811 Yeah. Can I get three Snoogans Prerolls? 76 00:05:40,343 --> 00:05:42,308 $100 even. 77 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,448 Right. 78 00:05:44,550 --> 00:05:46,719 ♪ Tell me who Tell me who... 79 00:05:46,822 --> 00:05:48,354 Can you... 80 00:05:48,457 --> 00:05:49,548 ♪ Profits off the life Of every dude 81 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:50,991 ♪ Every sick 82 00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:53,487 Keep it down. 83 00:05:53,589 --> 00:05:55,154 ♪ Ask the schools 84 00:05:58,666 --> 00:06:01,900 ♪ Break the chains Reveal the lies... ♪ 85 00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:11,374 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 86 00:06:11,476 --> 00:06:12,806 What 'cha looking at, man? 87 00:06:12,908 --> 00:06:15,311 That's how we did it in the '90s, son! 88 00:06:30,627 --> 00:06:32,661 Wait. Wait, wait, wait. 89 00:06:34,767 --> 00:06:37,196 Your whistling is affecting your carrying. 90 00:06:43,408 --> 00:06:44,736 Pretty nifty planning. 91 00:06:49,247 --> 00:06:50,347 The fuck? 92 00:06:50,449 --> 00:06:52,282 Oh, uh... well, 'cause, um, 93 00:06:52,384 --> 00:06:53,881 nifty is slang for NFT, 94 00:06:53,983 --> 00:06:57,155 which is a non-fungible token in our world. 95 00:06:57,257 --> 00:06:58,618 "Our world"? 96 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,560 Oh, my God, I knew it. 97 00:07:00,662 --> 00:07:01,888 You belong to one of these religious death cults 98 00:07:01,990 --> 00:07:03,294 where they all wear sneakers to bed 99 00:07:03,396 --> 00:07:05,197 before they kill themselves. 100 00:07:05,299 --> 00:07:06,959 For the last time, Randal, 101 00:07:07,061 --> 00:07:09,094 I'm not in a religious death cult. 102 00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,368 Blockchain Coltrane and I are co-founders 103 00:07:11,470 --> 00:07:13,304 of the Christian Crypto Club. 104 00:07:18,542 --> 00:07:20,778 ♪ Rip and tear! ♪ 105 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,510 This is either a Lord of the Rings thing 106 00:07:22,612 --> 00:07:24,677 or a Jesus thing. Hmm. 107 00:07:29,083 --> 00:07:31,456 Blockchain says that Jesus saves souls, 108 00:07:31,558 --> 00:07:34,259 but we buy souls, it's... 109 00:07:34,361 --> 00:07:36,024 It's pretty clever wordplay 110 00:07:36,126 --> 00:07:37,823 because the Phantasma Chain's cryptocurrency unit 111 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,933 is called the Soul, so... 112 00:07:40,035 --> 00:07:41,467 It's... 113 00:07:41,569 --> 00:07:44,067 You are killing me this morning, you nut. 114 00:07:44,170 --> 00:07:45,434 Oh, shit, 115 00:07:45,536 --> 00:07:47,404 I think I get it now. 116 00:07:47,506 --> 00:07:49,771 Get what? NFTs and crypto? 117 00:07:49,873 --> 00:07:51,871 No, not that Beanie Baby bullshit. 118 00:07:51,973 --> 00:07:53,809 Talking about this pair of puds. 119 00:07:53,912 --> 00:07:57,551 Looks like Elias has got his own Silent Bob. 120 00:08:00,883 --> 00:08:02,853 Oh, this is quite a handjob. 121 00:08:08,831 --> 00:08:09,823 What? 122 00:08:09,925 --> 00:08:12,132 Jesus, these Gen Z kids are fucked. 123 00:08:12,234 --> 00:08:13,931 - Oh, what a surprise. 124 00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:16,335 Randal has taken the Lord's name in vain again, Mr. Dante. 125 00:08:16,437 --> 00:08:18,565 Please stop calling me Mr. Dante. 126 00:08:18,667 --> 00:08:20,501 You're 36-years-old. 127 00:08:20,603 --> 00:08:21,969 And not for nothing, 128 00:08:22,071 --> 00:08:23,673 but how's it taking the Lord's name in vain 129 00:08:23,775 --> 00:08:25,545 if I don't pray to your Christian God? 130 00:08:25,647 --> 00:08:27,843 If you don't pray to God, then who do you pray to? 131 00:08:27,946 --> 00:08:31,148 When I'm at my lowest, I always pray to Crom. 132 00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:32,450 Who's Crom? 133 00:08:32,552 --> 00:08:33,846 That's Conan the Barbarian's God. 134 00:08:33,949 --> 00:08:35,587 - You know what, Randal? 135 00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,083 I really wish you didn't worship all your 136 00:08:37,186 --> 00:08:39,657 false comic book idols and satanic superheroes. 137 00:08:39,759 --> 00:08:43,693 Batman, The Avengers, Wonder Woman, AOC. 138 00:08:43,795 --> 00:08:46,191 Come on, man, give Crom a chance. 139 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:48,534 He may not be all woke and shit like Jesus, 140 00:08:48,636 --> 00:08:50,429 but homeboy's pretty metal for a deity. 141 00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:53,571 Well, joke's on you, Randal, because there's only one God. 142 00:08:53,673 --> 00:08:55,941 Yeah. What about Thor? Thor's a god. 143 00:08:56,043 --> 00:08:58,672 Thor is a fictional character who flies through outer space. 144 00:08:58,774 --> 00:09:00,143 So is your God. 145 00:09:00,246 --> 00:09:01,447 Mr. Dante. 146 00:09:01,549 --> 00:09:02,776 His God is the living Christ, Randal. 147 00:09:02,878 --> 00:09:04,317 His God is the Living Dead 148 00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:05,783 with all that goth-y shit like, 149 00:09:05,885 --> 00:09:08,549 drink my blood. That's fucking vampire talk. 150 00:09:08,651 --> 00:09:10,051 Mr. Dante! Oh, no. 151 00:09:10,153 --> 00:09:13,189 My name is Foo-Foo and this is between you two. 152 00:09:17,828 --> 00:09:20,029 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, freeze. 153 00:09:23,272 --> 00:09:25,001 What the fuck are these? 154 00:09:27,142 --> 00:09:28,737 Kites. No shit. 155 00:09:28,839 --> 00:09:30,573 But what are they doing here? 156 00:09:30,676 --> 00:09:32,239 I thought we could sell them. 157 00:09:32,341 --> 00:09:35,476 Are you serious? Who the fuck flies kites anymore? 158 00:09:35,578 --> 00:09:36,979 Lots of people. 159 00:09:37,081 --> 00:09:39,716 Kids today love flying kites. Kites are cool. 160 00:09:39,818 --> 00:09:41,917 What century is this, Ben Franklin, 161 00:09:42,019 --> 00:09:43,751 and what kind of kid in this day and age 162 00:09:43,853 --> 00:09:45,084 would be remotely interested 163 00:09:45,186 --> 00:09:47,859 in buying or flying a fucking kite? 164 00:09:49,597 --> 00:09:51,057 Did you see they have Jesus on them? 165 00:09:51,159 --> 00:09:54,060 Oh, well, all the kids love Jesus. 166 00:09:54,162 --> 00:09:55,764 Who in their right mind is gonna buy 167 00:09:55,866 --> 00:09:57,763 one of your creepy Christ kites? 168 00:09:57,865 --> 00:09:58,964 I would. 169 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,374 You did, like, 30 times. 170 00:10:01,476 --> 00:10:03,669 Maybe we can sell some online. 171 00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,071 - Online? 172 00:10:05,173 --> 00:10:06,842 The only way anyone on the Internet 173 00:10:06,944 --> 00:10:08,613 would care about this old-timey bullshit 174 00:10:08,715 --> 00:10:10,443 is if you shot a TikTok trying to jam 175 00:10:10,545 --> 00:10:13,613 one of those Jesus kites up your Christian dickhole. 176 00:10:15,751 --> 00:10:17,449 Asshole. Thank you. 177 00:10:17,551 --> 00:10:19,393 You know what, Randal? I don't think there's anything 178 00:10:19,495 --> 00:10:21,660 particularly "metal" about blasphemy. 179 00:10:21,763 --> 00:10:25,232 Shah, blasphemy and biting off a bat's head 180 00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:27,231 are as metal as it gets. 181 00:10:29,201 --> 00:10:31,401 There were two men who were crucified with Jesus, Randal. 182 00:10:31,503 --> 00:10:32,866 Holy fuck. 183 00:10:32,968 --> 00:10:35,407 A good thief and a bad thief. 184 00:10:35,509 --> 00:10:36,739 If they were caught, I'd say 185 00:10:36,841 --> 00:10:38,276 that makes them both bad thieves. 186 00:10:38,378 --> 00:10:39,841 The bad thief said, 187 00:10:39,943 --> 00:10:42,207 "If you are really the son of God, 188 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:45,013 "get us down from here and save us." 189 00:10:45,115 --> 00:10:47,018 So why is this guy called "The bad thief"? 190 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,784 Call him "The practical thief with common fucking sense." 191 00:10:49,886 --> 00:10:52,351 Ah. But the good thief said, 192 00:10:52,453 --> 00:10:56,924 "Jesus did no wrong, whereas we are but thieves." 193 00:10:57,026 --> 00:10:59,192 What the fuck are butt thieves? 194 00:10:59,294 --> 00:11:02,062 Uh, well, then the good thief said, 195 00:11:02,164 --> 00:11:04,635 "Jesus, remember me in your kingdom." 196 00:11:04,737 --> 00:11:06,331 And Jesus said to the good thief, 197 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:09,309 "Today, you shall be with me in paradise." 198 00:11:09,411 --> 00:11:11,542 And Paradise is a strip club. 199 00:11:11,645 --> 00:11:13,747 It's not a strip club, Randal. 200 00:11:14,844 --> 00:11:16,847 It's Heaven. 201 00:11:16,949 --> 00:11:19,180 So the moral of your never ending story is, 202 00:11:19,282 --> 00:11:21,852 even in Heaven, it's all about who you know. 203 00:11:21,954 --> 00:11:24,153 The moral of the story 204 00:11:24,255 --> 00:11:26,489 is if you didn't go to Heaven as a guest of Jesus, 205 00:11:26,591 --> 00:11:27,758 like the good thief, 206 00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:29,661 where did the bad thief go, Randal? 207 00:11:29,763 --> 00:11:31,697 Not that I wanna prolong your sermon, 208 00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:34,201 but how is it blasphemy to remind a guy 209 00:11:34,303 --> 00:11:35,665 he's the son of God? 210 00:11:35,768 --> 00:11:37,330 Maybe the bad thief thought 211 00:11:37,432 --> 00:11:39,031 Jesus had a Bourne Identity thing going on, 212 00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,572 like Jesus fell off a boat, 213 00:11:40,674 --> 00:11:42,441 hit his head and caught amnesia. 214 00:11:42,543 --> 00:11:44,475 He was born in a manger. 215 00:11:44,577 --> 00:11:46,039 Now he's Bourne again. 216 00:11:46,141 --> 00:11:49,680 Matt Damon is Jesus Bourne in... 217 00:11:49,782 --> 00:11:51,747 The Bourne Nativity. 218 00:11:51,850 --> 00:11:53,652 Heavenly Father, I beseech thee, 219 00:11:53,754 --> 00:11:56,086 please smite this braying heretic. 220 00:11:56,919 --> 00:11:58,858 Oh. 221 00:12:00,657 --> 00:12:02,158 Are you okay? 222 00:12:02,260 --> 00:12:05,197 No, something's wrong, I... I can't catch my breath. 223 00:12:05,299 --> 00:12:06,332 Stop teasing me. 224 00:12:06,434 --> 00:12:08,665 I'm not teasing, I... 225 00:12:08,768 --> 00:12:10,503 I can't catch my breath, man. 226 00:12:10,605 --> 00:12:12,134 Really? Should I try mouth stuff? 227 00:12:12,236 --> 00:12:14,066 What is this, a Tinder date? Get off of me. 228 00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,642 You said you can't breathe. 229 00:12:15,744 --> 00:12:18,037 I can breathe. I just... 230 00:12:18,139 --> 00:12:19,237 I can't catch my breath. 231 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:20,577 What are you doing with your arm? 232 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:22,141 I'm trying to breathe. 233 00:12:22,243 --> 00:12:23,943 You're really sweating, Randal. 234 00:12:24,045 --> 00:12:25,519 It's hot in here, man. 235 00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:27,117 Can we open the door? I got to... 236 00:12:28,784 --> 00:12:30,120 Mr. Dante! 237 00:12:30,852 --> 00:12:32,691 Oh, shit! 238 00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:34,754 I need an ambulance at the QuickStop. 239 00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:39,991 Dr. Ladenheim, 240 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,696 report to the ER. 241 00:12:41,798 --> 00:12:43,263 Dr. Ladenheim... 242 00:12:43,366 --> 00:12:45,234 You had to call an ambulance, didn't you? 243 00:12:45,336 --> 00:12:47,903 I just ate too much fuckin' Mooby's, that's all. 244 00:12:48,005 --> 00:12:50,168 Well, if you know what's wrong, 245 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,838 then I guess I can go home. 246 00:12:51,940 --> 00:12:53,542 Are you the doctor? 247 00:12:53,644 --> 00:12:55,144 I'm the doctor. 248 00:12:55,246 --> 00:12:57,281 Dr. Ladenheim, I'll be your savior this evening. 249 00:13:00,652 --> 00:13:02,081 What in the fuck? 250 00:13:02,183 --> 00:13:03,687 I apologize for my wardrobe. 251 00:13:03,790 --> 00:13:05,250 I just came from a costume ball. 252 00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,758 Listen, Doc, I'm okay. I just... 253 00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:09,726 I can't catch my breath is all. 254 00:13:09,828 --> 00:13:11,225 On a scale of one to ten, 255 00:13:11,327 --> 00:13:12,530 how bad would you say your pain level is? 256 00:13:12,632 --> 00:13:13,531 My pain level? 257 00:13:13,633 --> 00:13:14,963 Like a negative three. 258 00:13:15,065 --> 00:13:16,603 Well, you're doing it all wrong. 259 00:13:16,705 --> 00:13:17,767 You're supposed to be in a lot of pain 260 00:13:17,870 --> 00:13:19,639 when you have a heart attack. 261 00:13:19,741 --> 00:13:21,166 Wait a minute. I had a heart attack? 262 00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:22,841 No, that's not what I said. 263 00:13:22,943 --> 00:13:24,202 You misunderstood me. Oh, thank Christ. 264 00:13:24,305 --> 00:13:25,576 You're having a heart attack 265 00:13:25,678 --> 00:13:27,309 right now as we speak, 266 00:13:27,411 --> 00:13:30,045 a massive one, so we have to act pretty quickly. 267 00:13:30,147 --> 00:13:32,011 I just wish I wasn't so hung over. 268 00:13:32,113 --> 00:13:34,048 I'm kidding. 269 00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:36,019 I'm gonna go get all glammed up 270 00:13:36,121 --> 00:13:37,621 for our big date and I'll see you in the OR. 271 00:13:37,723 --> 00:13:39,054 Look at me. Uh-huh. 272 00:13:39,156 --> 00:13:40,490 Everything's gonna be fine, all right? 273 00:13:40,592 --> 00:13:41,658 Good. All right. 274 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,323 He's not gonna make it. 275 00:13:43,425 --> 00:13:45,763 Jesus, could someone page the Good Witch? 276 00:13:45,865 --> 00:13:47,692 What's next, a fucking Munchkin? 277 00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:51,032 Shave and a haircut two bits. 278 00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:53,973 Shave and a haircut two bits. 279 00:13:55,241 --> 00:13:57,139 I see that you met Dr. Ladenheim. 280 00:13:57,241 --> 00:14:01,146 And she wants me to prep you for surgery. 281 00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:04,718 Surgery? No. The doctor just said I'm going to the OR. 282 00:14:04,820 --> 00:14:06,951 Right! Which is short for operating room 283 00:14:07,053 --> 00:14:09,885 where they do... Ding, ding, ding, surgery! 284 00:14:09,988 --> 00:14:11,517 She gotta get into your heart. 285 00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:13,789 Uh, is the doctor gonna crack his chest open? 286 00:14:13,891 --> 00:14:15,588 Fuck. No, no, no. 287 00:14:15,690 --> 00:14:17,292 She's gonna thread a camera through his femoral artery 288 00:14:17,394 --> 00:14:20,028 up to his ticker through a very small incision. 289 00:14:20,130 --> 00:14:21,894 Where does she make this incision? 290 00:14:21,996 --> 00:14:22,962 In the groin. 291 00:14:23,064 --> 00:14:24,970 The groin? Come on. 292 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,604 So I gotta shave you. 293 00:14:26,706 --> 00:14:28,305 Or I get to shave you, 294 00:14:28,407 --> 00:14:31,142 depending on how much you love your job and I love mine. 295 00:14:31,244 --> 00:14:34,842 So, as the wife says at- 00 p.m. after Dateline, 296 00:14:34,944 --> 00:14:36,345 every single week, 297 00:14:37,452 --> 00:14:39,051 take off your pants. 298 00:14:48,129 --> 00:14:51,665 I gotta shave your groin, sir, so underwear too. 299 00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,864 First, can we establish geography? 300 00:14:53,966 --> 00:14:55,595 Like, where is the groin to you? 301 00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,298 Where's the groin to me? 302 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,171 What is this, a metaphysical question? 303 00:15:00,273 --> 00:15:02,200 We're running out of time here to save your life. 304 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,509 So come on, let's go. 305 00:15:05,540 --> 00:15:07,547 Can you avert your eyes, block your ears 306 00:15:07,649 --> 00:15:09,179 and sing something, please? 307 00:15:09,281 --> 00:15:11,276 Oh, for God sakes. What do you want me to sing? 308 00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,915 Not you, him. Oh, right. 309 00:15:13,017 --> 00:15:14,379 All right, here's the deal, 310 00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,319 Nurse Jackie. 311 00:15:15,421 --> 00:15:16,854 Mmm. 312 00:15:16,956 --> 00:15:18,651 I got a really small dick, okay? 313 00:15:18,753 --> 00:15:21,961 I promise you, it's nothing I've not seen before 314 00:15:22,063 --> 00:15:24,223 because I work in pediatrics. 315 00:15:24,326 --> 00:15:25,865 If I take off my underwear, 316 00:15:25,968 --> 00:15:28,227 everyone in the ER is gonna see my little dick 317 00:15:28,329 --> 00:15:30,136 including my friend here, 318 00:15:30,238 --> 00:15:31,903 who thinks I got a giant cock 'cause I've been lying to him 319 00:15:32,005 --> 00:15:33,903 about it since we were 12. 320 00:15:34,006 --> 00:15:35,840 Is this a long fable, Aesop? 321 00:15:35,942 --> 00:15:37,072 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, 322 00:15:37,174 --> 00:15:39,174 give you a little more privacy... 323 00:15:39,276 --> 00:15:41,311 There you go. Oh, thanks for that. 324 00:15:43,183 --> 00:15:45,151 Unfortunately, this is as far as you can go 325 00:15:45,253 --> 00:15:48,318 but we do have a waiting room that's right down this hall. 326 00:15:49,958 --> 00:15:51,420 I'll be right here when you get out, man. 327 00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:53,788 You got this. 328 00:16:04,171 --> 00:16:08,502 ♪ You got an idea We can rock the night 329 00:16:08,604 --> 00:16:10,503 We've got a female with multiple 330 00:16:10,605 --> 00:16:12,205 C-spine complications, internal bleeding 331 00:16:12,307 --> 00:16:13,746 and multiple lacerations. 332 00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:16,248 Blood pressure, 100 over seven... 333 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,613 ♪ Let's both make a promise That we can't say... ♪ 334 00:16:21,221 --> 00:16:23,181 We're losing her. Starting CPR. 335 00:16:31,592 --> 00:16:33,126 DR.- Why has he still 336 00:16:33,228 --> 00:16:35,035 got his underpants on? 337 00:16:35,137 --> 00:16:37,230 How am I supposed to get to his femoral artery 338 00:16:37,332 --> 00:16:38,937 if he's wearing Squeezies? 339 00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:40,334 I told him, 340 00:16:40,436 --> 00:16:41,873 but he's got some body shame issues. 341 00:16:41,975 --> 00:16:43,104 Look, Doc, 342 00:16:43,206 --> 00:16:44,369 I got a really small dick. 343 00:16:44,472 --> 00:16:46,176 I'm trying to save your life 344 00:16:46,279 --> 00:16:47,438 and you're worried about your little dick? 345 00:16:47,541 --> 00:16:48,413 We don't have time for this. 346 00:16:48,515 --> 00:16:49,882 Whoa! 347 00:16:49,984 --> 00:16:53,652 This is all my fault. 348 00:16:53,754 --> 00:16:55,721 No, it is not, Elias. 349 00:16:55,824 --> 00:16:59,024 I prayed to God to smite Randal 350 00:16:59,126 --> 00:17:03,494 so Jesus attacked his heart at my command. 351 00:17:05,099 --> 00:17:07,628 Randal's mother had heart trouble, too. 352 00:17:07,730 --> 00:17:10,395 No, I gotta make Jesus reverse this. 353 00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,472 Pray with me, Mr. Dante. 354 00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:18,504 Oh, my sweet savior, hear your gentle servant. 355 00:17:18,606 --> 00:17:21,606 Spare the heretic I damned in jest. 356 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:24,682 Remember the words of the good thief. 357 00:17:24,784 --> 00:17:26,950 Jesus did no wrong, 358 00:17:27,052 --> 00:17:30,222 whereas we are but thieves. 359 00:17:31,322 --> 00:17:34,058 DR.- A-ha. What's up, Doc? 360 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:36,762 I can tell by your very subtle tattoo 361 00:17:36,864 --> 00:17:38,027 that you're a superhero fan, 362 00:17:38,129 --> 00:17:39,532 so you might appreciate this. 363 00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:40,832 Uh-huh. You know, 364 00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,331 they have a name for the type 365 00:17:42,433 --> 00:17:43,634 of heart attack you're having right now. 366 00:17:43,736 --> 00:17:45,133 Really? Okay. 367 00:17:45,235 --> 00:17:47,138 They call it the Widow-Maker. 368 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,306 Now, doesn't that sound like some bad guy 369 00:17:49,408 --> 00:17:51,504 that Ranger Danger has to fight? 370 00:17:51,606 --> 00:17:53,878 Why do they call it the Widow-Maker? 371 00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:55,677 Because in 80% of the cases 372 00:17:55,779 --> 00:17:58,314 when there's 100% occlusion like what you have now? 373 00:17:58,417 --> 00:18:01,486 Hands down, patient always dies, always. 374 00:18:01,589 --> 00:18:03,022 Oh, fuck. 375 00:18:03,125 --> 00:18:04,751 But don't worry, you're gonna be in the 20% 376 00:18:04,853 --> 00:18:07,286 because keeping you alive is good for my brand. 377 00:18:07,388 --> 00:18:09,226 Now, if you excuse me, 378 00:18:09,329 --> 00:18:11,259 I'm gonna go fool around in your little crotch 379 00:18:11,361 --> 00:18:13,032 and I'm gonna make a little magic, 380 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,197 but I could use all the help that we can get. 381 00:18:15,299 --> 00:18:16,835 So, if you remember any prayers 382 00:18:16,937 --> 00:18:18,533 from when you were a kid, 383 00:18:18,635 --> 00:18:19,936 now would be a terrific time to dust those off. 384 00:18:21,973 --> 00:18:24,202 Are you there, Crom? 385 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,177 It's me, Randal. 386 00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,445 Please don't let me die. 387 00:18:30,784 --> 00:18:32,185 He won't answer me. 388 00:18:34,415 --> 00:18:36,222 After all this time... 389 00:18:37,154 --> 00:18:39,652 devoting my life to God. 390 00:18:39,754 --> 00:18:43,228 Jesus has abandoned all of us at QuickStop. 391 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:46,527 I think Jesus was always more of a Wawa guy. 392 00:18:46,629 --> 00:18:49,895 Yeah, well, you know what I think? 393 00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,838 I think I wasted my life believing in bullshit. 394 00:18:54,940 --> 00:18:56,338 I've been conned. 395 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:59,475 Fairy tales, faith and pledging fealty 396 00:18:59,577 --> 00:19:03,346 to a fictional fucking phantom. And for what? 397 00:19:03,448 --> 00:19:05,312 In my darkest hour when I need him most, 398 00:19:05,414 --> 00:19:08,188 the Lord totally ghosts me. 399 00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:13,758 Well, to hell with all that made up Jesus jive. 400 00:19:16,593 --> 00:19:19,557 Save Randal this night, 401 00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:22,334 and I will swear my soul to you, 402 00:19:22,967 --> 00:19:25,166 oh, sweet Satan. 403 00:19:25,268 --> 00:19:26,834 Satan? Oh, buddy, no. 404 00:19:26,936 --> 00:19:30,603 I mean, isn't he kind of like the Optimus Prime of evil? 405 00:19:30,705 --> 00:19:32,570 You don't have to condescend to me. 406 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,475 You can just say Megatron. 407 00:19:34,577 --> 00:19:36,975 I'm kind of a Transformers virgin. 408 00:19:37,817 --> 00:19:39,378 Well, 409 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,449 I'm an actual virgin, 410 00:19:41,551 --> 00:19:43,821 so I know Satan's gonna want my soul. 411 00:19:43,923 --> 00:19:46,358 For what? Evil. 412 00:19:47,521 --> 00:19:50,296 And butt sex probably. 413 00:19:52,363 --> 00:19:54,433 Do you have any lube? Are you... 414 00:19:54,535 --> 00:19:55,868 No! 415 00:19:55,971 --> 00:19:57,966 I don't deserve lube! 416 00:19:58,068 --> 00:19:59,905 Take me, Satan! 417 00:20:00,007 --> 00:20:01,270 Jesus! Pull up your pants. 418 00:20:01,372 --> 00:20:03,107 Make me your concubine! Jesus... 419 00:20:03,209 --> 00:20:04,403 Pull up your pants. No, stop it. 420 00:20:04,505 --> 00:20:06,142 I have to fuck Satan. 421 00:20:06,245 --> 00:20:09,509 And that's when, I shit you not, 422 00:20:09,611 --> 00:20:12,745 Luke fuckin' Skywalker shows up. 423 00:20:12,848 --> 00:20:14,616 DR.- Uh-huh. And I'm talking about 424 00:20:14,718 --> 00:20:17,585 the young, fuckable Luke from Return of the Jedi, 425 00:20:17,687 --> 00:20:20,226 not the Gran Torino, "Get off my lawn" 426 00:20:20,328 --> 00:20:22,995 Luke from The Last Jedi. DR.- Okay. 427 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,864 Quick heart update, Mr. Graves. 428 00:20:24,966 --> 00:20:26,725 Uh-huh. During your thorough 429 00:20:26,827 --> 00:20:28,494 retelling of The Star Wars Show... 430 00:20:28,597 --> 00:20:30,400 The Mandalorian, season two. 431 00:20:30,502 --> 00:20:32,335 ...I was able to get the stent in place. 432 00:20:32,437 --> 00:20:33,932 So this is where I need your help now. 433 00:20:34,034 --> 00:20:35,908 I'm gonna open this stent and all you have to do 434 00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:37,306 is tell me when you feel 435 00:20:37,408 --> 00:20:39,108 the pressure lets up. All right? 436 00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:41,010 Let's do this, McDreamy. 437 00:20:41,112 --> 00:20:42,648 "This is The Way." 438 00:20:42,750 --> 00:20:44,150 The way to what? 439 00:20:44,252 --> 00:20:46,512 Oh, that's a saying from The Mandalorian. 440 00:20:46,615 --> 00:20:49,319 Huh? The Star Wars Show. 441 00:20:49,421 --> 00:20:50,816 Okay, listen, we need to hit pause 442 00:20:50,919 --> 00:20:52,685 on all your pop culture references for a minute 443 00:20:52,787 --> 00:20:55,488 just until we open the stent on three. 444 00:20:55,590 --> 00:20:58,430 One, two, three! 445 00:20:58,929 --> 00:21:00,165 Oh! 446 00:21:00,267 --> 00:21:04,334 Holy shit, I can fucking breathe again. 447 00:21:04,436 --> 00:21:06,171 Does this mean I'm gonna live now? 448 00:21:06,273 --> 00:21:08,306 Yes, because I'm an amazing doctor. 449 00:21:08,408 --> 00:21:11,210 You're a better doctor than Doctor Strange 450 00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:14,309 and Doctor Zaius combined. Doctor who? 451 00:21:14,412 --> 00:21:16,282 Oh, no, I don't watch that show, 452 00:21:16,384 --> 00:21:20,113 but I might start now because I'm fucking alive. 453 00:21:21,618 --> 00:21:23,789 "Mazel tov!" As the Chinese say. 454 00:21:23,891 --> 00:21:25,122 Thank you, Doctor. 455 00:21:25,225 --> 00:21:27,591 Thank you for saving my life. 456 00:21:27,693 --> 00:21:30,563 You're like the Batman of heart surgery. 457 00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:31,789 Yeah? 458 00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:33,163 With great power 459 00:21:33,265 --> 00:21:34,395 comes great responsibility. 460 00:21:34,497 --> 00:21:36,369 What the fuck was that? 461 00:21:39,669 --> 00:21:41,537 You're alive! - You're alive! 462 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,938 Are you okay? If that was a heart attack, 463 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:46,940 I'll take another one. That shit was easy. 464 00:21:47,042 --> 00:21:49,842 Okay, you must be on a lot of drugs right now. 465 00:21:49,944 --> 00:21:51,876 No, they didn't give me nothing in there. 466 00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:53,547 I had to do the whole thing sober. 467 00:21:53,649 --> 00:21:56,450 He's high as a kite on fentanyl. 468 00:21:56,552 --> 00:21:59,257 Kite imagery, very cool. 469 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:01,752 See, Randal, kites are in the air. 470 00:22:01,855 --> 00:22:03,526 Stop with the fucking kites. 471 00:22:03,629 --> 00:22:04,923 DR.- One more thing, Mr. Graves, 472 00:22:05,026 --> 00:22:07,894 since you were really preoccupied about it, 473 00:22:07,996 --> 00:22:12,368 so much so that you wasted time and nearly died, 474 00:22:12,470 --> 00:22:14,306 your penis is not that small. 475 00:22:14,408 --> 00:22:16,508 It's not that big, but it's not that small. 476 00:22:16,610 --> 00:22:19,339 That's the best news I heard all day. 477 00:22:24,217 --> 00:22:25,443 - Is he gonna be okay? 478 00:22:25,545 --> 00:22:26,711 How do I help? 479 00:22:26,814 --> 00:22:28,352 Well, if you care about him, 480 00:22:28,454 --> 00:22:30,215 you'll jam a vegetable down his throat. 481 00:22:30,317 --> 00:22:32,920 The guy's got more cholesterol in his arteries than blood. 482 00:22:33,022 --> 00:22:35,456 Got it. From now on, I'm only gonna order him food 483 00:22:35,559 --> 00:22:37,060 off the vegan menu at Mooby's. 484 00:22:37,162 --> 00:22:38,898 Him and you. Me? 485 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,199 If you're around his age 486 00:22:40,301 --> 00:22:41,796 and eat the same diet as your friend, 487 00:22:41,898 --> 00:22:44,065 you might wanna get your heart checked out, too. 488 00:22:44,167 --> 00:22:45,666 Will do. 489 00:22:45,768 --> 00:22:47,272 But here's something I want you to keep 490 00:22:47,374 --> 00:22:49,136 an eye out for as regards to Randal. 491 00:22:49,238 --> 00:22:50,606 Okay. 492 00:22:50,709 --> 00:22:52,738 Middle-aged men tend to go through a depression 493 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,646 after they've had a heart attack. 494 00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,678 Now your friend might sound or act differently now because 495 00:22:56,781 --> 00:22:59,249 he's come face to face with his own mortality. 496 00:22:59,351 --> 00:23:01,613 So, for the next few months, 497 00:23:01,715 --> 00:23:03,717 do whatever you can do 498 00:23:03,819 --> 00:23:06,989 to help Randal keep his spirits up. 499 00:23:07,092 --> 00:23:08,291 All right? 500 00:23:08,393 --> 00:23:10,595 Now, my bill is in the mail. 501 00:23:15,198 --> 00:23:17,035 Judgy. 502 00:23:17,137 --> 00:23:18,438 ♪ Whatever it takes 503 00:23:20,339 --> 00:23:22,475 ♪ I know I can make it 504 00:23:24,708 --> 00:23:26,941 ♪ I know I can make it through 505 00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:34,787 I brought you a hat. 506 00:23:34,889 --> 00:23:36,148 Yeah. Thanks. 507 00:23:37,786 --> 00:23:38,917 I can't believe you're still awake 508 00:23:39,019 --> 00:23:40,387 after the day you've been through. 509 00:23:40,489 --> 00:23:43,529 Yeah, I can't sleep. 510 00:23:44,825 --> 00:23:46,498 There was only a 20% chance 511 00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:49,594 I was gonna make it out of that OR alive tonight. 512 00:23:49,696 --> 00:23:51,733 Hmm. Is that right? 513 00:23:51,836 --> 00:23:54,568 I mean, I figure I got a 50-50 chance of dying 514 00:23:54,671 --> 00:23:56,641 any time I leave my apartment. 515 00:23:57,307 --> 00:23:59,444 But today, 516 00:23:59,546 --> 00:24:03,245 there was an 80% chance everything for me 517 00:24:03,347 --> 00:24:05,012 was just gonna stop. 518 00:24:06,417 --> 00:24:08,181 There was an 80% chance 519 00:24:08,283 --> 00:24:10,083 you and I were never gonna talk about Star Wars again. 520 00:24:11,786 --> 00:24:13,325 There was an 80% chance 521 00:24:13,427 --> 00:24:15,060 I would never know for a medical fact, 522 00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:17,459 I got a normal-sized dick. 523 00:24:17,561 --> 00:24:19,263 You always said it was huge. 524 00:24:19,366 --> 00:24:20,729 I was gonna miss a lot of shit 525 00:24:20,831 --> 00:24:22,931 if you didn't call that ambulance today. 526 00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:26,631 You saved my life, man. 527 00:24:26,733 --> 00:24:28,440 Oh. 528 00:24:28,542 --> 00:24:31,175 I wish I had a life worth fucking saving. 529 00:24:31,277 --> 00:24:32,276 Come on, man. 530 00:24:32,378 --> 00:24:34,508 What are you talking about? 531 00:24:34,610 --> 00:24:35,708 When I was lying there, 532 00:24:35,810 --> 00:24:38,683 wondering if I was gonna die, 533 00:24:38,785 --> 00:24:42,555 I saw the whole movie of my life flash before my eyes. 534 00:24:44,156 --> 00:24:45,525 You know what? 535 00:24:46,258 --> 00:24:48,088 It sucked. 536 00:24:49,725 --> 00:24:52,993 I always thought, hoped... 537 00:24:53,095 --> 00:24:57,269 that my life was building towards something. 538 00:24:57,371 --> 00:24:59,501 Turns out it was just the hospital. 539 00:24:59,603 --> 00:25:00,601 What are you talking about? 540 00:25:00,703 --> 00:25:02,903 We built our own business. 541 00:25:03,006 --> 00:25:05,576 So I co-own a convenience store. Big deal. 542 00:25:05,678 --> 00:25:08,379 I never went anywhere outside of Jersey. 543 00:25:08,481 --> 00:25:10,580 I never fell in love like you. 544 00:25:10,682 --> 00:25:12,044 If I'd have dropped dead tonight, 545 00:25:12,147 --> 00:25:15,520 only you and Elias would remember I even existed. 546 00:25:15,622 --> 00:25:19,555 I mean, look at me, man, I'm almost 50. 547 00:25:19,657 --> 00:25:21,358 I sit around and watch the same 548 00:25:21,461 --> 00:25:23,288 stupid movies over and over. 549 00:25:25,299 --> 00:25:27,259 The fuck is wrong with me? 550 00:25:28,101 --> 00:25:29,929 I don't know. 551 00:25:30,031 --> 00:25:31,801 You know so much about all that stuff. 552 00:25:31,903 --> 00:25:34,002 I always thought you could have made a cool movie. 553 00:25:41,983 --> 00:25:43,209 Holy shit. 554 00:25:44,282 --> 00:25:45,343 You're right. 555 00:25:48,818 --> 00:25:51,182 I could make a pretty cool movie. 556 00:25:51,284 --> 00:25:53,922 I've been watching movies all my life, 557 00:25:54,024 --> 00:25:55,859 I've seen all these people tell their stories 558 00:25:55,961 --> 00:25:58,526 and never once thought about trying to tell mine. 559 00:25:58,628 --> 00:25:59,957 Well, fuck that, man. 560 00:26:00,060 --> 00:26:01,764 Since I almost died tonight, 561 00:26:01,866 --> 00:26:04,335 now I know I'm living on borrowed time. 562 00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:06,371 So, no more watching movies 563 00:26:06,473 --> 00:26:08,135 because when I get out of here... 564 00:26:09,606 --> 00:26:12,341 I'm gonna make a movie! 565 00:26:18,580 --> 00:26:19,981 - A movie? 566 00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:21,752 Don't you have to go to film school or something? 567 00:26:21,854 --> 00:26:25,285 It's like 75 G's a year to go to NYU Film School. 568 00:26:25,387 --> 00:26:27,919 And you know what those kids pay all that money for? 569 00:26:28,022 --> 00:26:30,462 I don't know. To watch movies. 570 00:26:30,564 --> 00:26:33,259 I worked in a video store for 20 years 571 00:26:33,361 --> 00:26:35,765 where I sat around and watched movies all day, too. 572 00:26:35,868 --> 00:26:39,230 So basically, I went to my own film school. 573 00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:42,301 Just because you've seen every movie ever made, 574 00:26:42,403 --> 00:26:44,708 doesn't mean you can make any kind of movie at all. 575 00:26:44,810 --> 00:26:46,708 Tell that to Quentin Tarantino. 576 00:26:46,810 --> 00:26:48,813 Oh, now you're Quentin Tarantino? 577 00:26:48,915 --> 00:26:52,581 I'm not saying I'm gonna make a movie as good as him, 578 00:26:52,684 --> 00:26:54,047 but I'm not good at sex either, 579 00:26:54,150 --> 00:26:56,086 and that doesn't stop me from trying to get laid. 580 00:27:05,027 --> 00:27:06,659 - You wanna shoot a movie here, 581 00:27:06,761 --> 00:27:08,393 at the QuickStop? 582 00:27:08,495 --> 00:27:10,568 Yeah, I've seen convenience stores in flicks before, 583 00:27:10,670 --> 00:27:12,601 but I've never seen an entire flick 584 00:27:12,703 --> 00:27:14,132 set in a convenience store. 585 00:27:14,234 --> 00:27:16,005 Because who would wanna watch that? 586 00:27:16,107 --> 00:27:18,137 I mean, it's my life and I barely wanna live it. 587 00:27:18,239 --> 00:27:20,807 This movie's meant to memorialize my life. 588 00:27:20,909 --> 00:27:22,140 And since I spent the last 589 00:27:22,242 --> 00:27:23,576 30 years of my life working here... 590 00:27:23,678 --> 00:27:25,451 Oh. Working? 591 00:27:25,553 --> 00:27:27,583 I got plenty of convenience stories 592 00:27:27,685 --> 00:27:29,180 to put into a screenplay. 593 00:27:29,282 --> 00:27:31,149 Convenience Stories. Good title. 594 00:27:31,251 --> 00:27:32,951 Well, what kind of convenience stories 595 00:27:33,053 --> 00:27:34,625 are we talking about here? 596 00:27:34,727 --> 00:27:36,322 Remember the time we went to 597 00:27:36,424 --> 00:27:39,397 Julie Dwyer's funeral and you knocked the casket over? 598 00:27:39,499 --> 00:27:41,228 You knocked the casket over. 599 00:27:42,203 --> 00:27:43,302 I did? 600 00:27:43,404 --> 00:27:45,001 Well, that's a scene now. 601 00:27:45,103 --> 00:27:46,735 Or how about the time the old guy was jerking off 602 00:27:46,837 --> 00:27:48,538 in the bathroom and dropped dead? 603 00:27:48,641 --> 00:27:50,202 That's totally a scene, man. 604 00:27:50,304 --> 00:27:52,003 I mean, all the shit you and I have said 605 00:27:52,105 --> 00:27:53,444 sitting at this counter, 606 00:27:53,547 --> 00:27:55,043 these are all scenes now, man. 607 00:27:55,145 --> 00:27:56,678 How about the time you burned the store down? 608 00:27:56,780 --> 00:27:58,177 Is that gonna be a scene? 609 00:27:58,279 --> 00:27:59,581 I'm still pretty sure terrorists did that. 610 00:27:59,683 --> 00:28:00,885 Uh-huh. 611 00:28:02,322 --> 00:28:03,286 - Hey, hey! 612 00:28:03,388 --> 00:28:04,955 Motley Crewneck. 613 00:28:06,286 --> 00:28:08,527 Anyone in your Christian Crypto Club 614 00:28:08,629 --> 00:28:11,256 got a non-crypto camera we can borrow? 615 00:28:11,358 --> 00:28:13,225 It's called the Crimson Crypto Club now. 616 00:28:13,328 --> 00:28:15,799 Our first drops gonna be all crypto kites. 617 00:28:15,901 --> 00:28:17,667 Oh, put that shit away, Elon Muskrat. 618 00:28:17,769 --> 00:28:19,231 What do you guys need a camera for? 619 00:28:19,333 --> 00:28:21,737 - Mmm. Randal wants to make a movie. 620 00:28:21,839 --> 00:28:23,407 Ooh, like a pornography movie? 621 00:28:23,509 --> 00:28:25,102 No, like a movie-movie, 622 00:28:25,205 --> 00:28:27,509 one with actors and a screenplay 623 00:28:27,611 --> 00:28:29,312 and Crafty. 624 00:28:29,414 --> 00:28:30,714 What's Crafty? 625 00:28:30,816 --> 00:28:32,351 That's where the, uh, crew hangs out 626 00:28:32,453 --> 00:28:33,616 and practices witchcraft, 627 00:28:33,719 --> 00:28:35,315 you little devil worshipper. 628 00:28:36,090 --> 00:28:37,249 Cool. 629 00:28:37,352 --> 00:28:39,986 Crafty is where you find all the food on set. 630 00:28:40,088 --> 00:28:41,218 But if you're shooting in here, 631 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,087 I guess the whole store's Crafty. 632 00:28:43,190 --> 00:28:44,828 What's the movie gonna be about? 633 00:28:44,931 --> 00:28:46,528 Mmm, it's gonna be about an hour and a half. 634 00:28:46,630 --> 00:28:48,128 I hate long movies. 635 00:28:48,231 --> 00:28:50,600 It's about him working here. - Wow. 636 00:28:50,703 --> 00:28:52,670 Meta. Never seen a whole movie 637 00:28:52,772 --> 00:28:54,338 set in a convenience store before. 638 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:56,171 Right? Thank you. 639 00:28:56,273 --> 00:28:58,003 I'm gonna fill the script with all the weird shit 640 00:28:58,105 --> 00:28:59,376 me and Dante have ever said 641 00:28:59,478 --> 00:29:00,510 or seen around here 642 00:29:00,612 --> 00:29:01,978 over the years. Oh. 643 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:03,482 You should put in that stuff you used to say 644 00:29:03,584 --> 00:29:04,980 about the Death Star contractors. 645 00:29:05,082 --> 00:29:07,752 Get sued by Disney? Fuck that. 646 00:29:07,855 --> 00:29:09,820 Besides, I don't want this movie to be about 647 00:29:09,922 --> 00:29:11,920 other movies. I want it to be about me. 648 00:29:12,022 --> 00:29:13,655 It's my flick, so I wanna write about 649 00:29:13,757 --> 00:29:15,322 the things that I do. 650 00:29:15,424 --> 00:29:17,555 Like, um, like how we play hockey on the rooftop. 651 00:29:17,657 --> 00:29:20,226 I've never seen that done in a movie or a TV show, 652 00:29:20,329 --> 00:29:22,797 even though it's just fucking practical. 653 00:29:22,900 --> 00:29:24,263 Remember that fight 654 00:29:24,366 --> 00:29:25,602 where I hit you in the face with the bread? 655 00:29:25,704 --> 00:29:27,134 Ooh, that could be a scene. 656 00:29:27,236 --> 00:29:29,103 Or the time I spit water on that old guy? 657 00:29:29,206 --> 00:29:31,540 That's, like, the fucking opening scene. 658 00:29:31,642 --> 00:29:33,207 Ooh, I got an idea. 659 00:29:33,309 --> 00:29:34,944 Maybe Jay and Silent Bob could be characters. 660 00:29:35,046 --> 00:29:37,341 That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard. 661 00:29:37,443 --> 00:29:38,881 - Well, you're still gonna have 662 00:29:38,983 --> 00:29:40,246 to get them involved if you wanna set 663 00:29:40,348 --> 00:29:41,983 any of the scenes in your old video store. 664 00:29:42,085 --> 00:29:43,888 All right. Watch the register, dawg. 665 00:29:43,990 --> 00:29:46,452 We got to go talk to the Warner Brothers. 666 00:29:47,959 --> 00:29:50,395 What the fuck, man? We heard you died. 667 00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:52,060 Almost. What happened 668 00:29:52,162 --> 00:29:54,059 is I was taking a shit in the high grass 669 00:29:54,161 --> 00:29:55,467 when a rattlesnake came up 670 00:29:55,570 --> 00:29:57,195 and bit me right on the asshole. 671 00:29:57,297 --> 00:29:59,504 But like the good friend he is, 672 00:29:59,606 --> 00:30:01,804 Dante sucked the poison out. 673 00:30:01,906 --> 00:30:04,503 See? It happened to them, too, man. 674 00:30:04,605 --> 00:30:06,610 Well, listen, when we thought you were dead, man, 675 00:30:06,712 --> 00:30:08,747 I felt really, really bad 676 00:30:08,850 --> 00:30:10,174 'cause in all the time I've been hanging out 677 00:30:10,277 --> 00:30:11,813 in front of this store and stuff, 678 00:30:11,916 --> 00:30:14,051 I forgot to give you something. 679 00:30:23,430 --> 00:30:24,862 Dental School? 680 00:30:24,964 --> 00:30:28,499 Me and Veggie Dick rented that shit in 1994, 681 00:30:28,601 --> 00:30:29,999 but we never watched it 682 00:30:30,101 --> 00:30:32,297 'cause we didn't have a VCR. 683 00:30:32,399 --> 00:30:34,705 But now, you can put it on the shelf 684 00:30:34,807 --> 00:30:37,072 in the video store. Oh, yeah. 685 00:30:37,175 --> 00:30:40,143 Uh, the video store closed ten years ago. 686 00:30:41,842 --> 00:30:43,108 It did? 687 00:30:43,210 --> 00:30:45,412 This was the video store. 688 00:30:50,823 --> 00:30:52,186 Oh, yeah, I'm getting senile 689 00:30:52,288 --> 00:30:53,991 and shit right there, you know? 690 00:30:54,093 --> 00:30:57,062 So listen, how much we owe you for late fees? 691 00:30:57,164 --> 00:31:02,366 Uh, well, let's see, a dollar a day for what, 692 00:31:02,468 --> 00:31:05,462 26, 28 years? 693 00:31:05,564 --> 00:31:11,570 That's, like, approximately... $10,220. 694 00:31:13,546 --> 00:31:14,980 Oh, didn't rewind. 695 00:31:15,813 --> 00:31:19,413 $10,220 and 50 cents. 696 00:31:21,355 --> 00:31:23,014 You take crypto? 697 00:31:23,116 --> 00:31:24,583 You guys got crypto? 698 00:31:26,457 --> 00:31:27,559 No. 699 00:31:27,661 --> 00:31:28,957 If you never watched it, 700 00:31:29,059 --> 00:31:30,521 why was it not rewound? Yeah. 701 00:31:30,624 --> 00:31:33,129 Hey, asshole, I said we didn't have a VCR. 702 00:31:33,231 --> 00:31:36,001 We watched it. We held it up to the light. 703 00:31:36,868 --> 00:31:38,133 Fucking Luddite. 704 00:31:38,235 --> 00:31:40,233 Listen, we'll squash your giant late fees 705 00:31:40,335 --> 00:31:43,203 on the 28-year-old copy of Dental School 706 00:31:43,305 --> 00:31:44,840 if you let us shoot a movie in here. 707 00:31:44,942 --> 00:31:47,073 Ooh, a pornography movie? 708 00:31:47,175 --> 00:31:49,715 No, it's not a porno movie. 709 00:31:49,817 --> 00:31:52,981 Sex sells, son, and I'm always buying 710 00:31:53,083 --> 00:31:57,587 'cause I am the Clit Commander! 711 00:31:57,689 --> 00:31:59,021 Snootchie Bootchies. 712 00:32:04,058 --> 00:32:06,565 ♪ I love nachos 713 00:32:06,667 --> 00:32:09,097 ♪ Nachos from 7-Eleven 714 00:32:09,199 --> 00:32:11,198 ♪ I know that They're bad for me 715 00:32:11,300 --> 00:32:14,099 ♪ When I eat them I'm in heaven 716 00:32:14,201 --> 00:32:16,508 ♪ 7-Eleven nachos! 717 00:32:16,610 --> 00:32:18,840 ♪ 7-Eleven nachos! 718 00:32:18,942 --> 00:32:21,242 ♪ 7-Eleven nachos! 719 00:32:21,344 --> 00:32:24,412 ♪ Liquid toppings Taste so good ♪ 720 00:32:29,390 --> 00:32:30,418 Goodnight. 721 00:32:31,018 --> 00:32:32,519 Thirty-seven? 722 00:32:36,697 --> 00:32:37,992 That's not a scene, Randal. 723 00:32:38,094 --> 00:32:39,292 Stop writing it right now. 724 00:32:39,394 --> 00:32:41,098 Thirty-seven cannot go in your movie. 725 00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:43,662 Shut the fuck up. It's nighttime! 726 00:32:48,202 --> 00:32:50,609 - "In Convenience"? 727 00:32:50,711 --> 00:32:52,374 It's the story of my life. 728 00:32:52,476 --> 00:32:54,272 Hundred and sixty-eight pages full of dick jokes, 729 00:32:54,374 --> 00:32:55,745 set in a convenience store, 730 00:32:55,847 --> 00:32:57,377 written in one night. 731 00:32:57,479 --> 00:32:59,449 Maybe don't tell people that last part. 732 00:32:59,551 --> 00:33:02,085 I thought, you were gonna call it "Convenience Stories." 733 00:33:02,187 --> 00:33:04,282 Yeah, that shit sounded too precious. 734 00:33:04,384 --> 00:33:05,824 What am I, Wes Anderson? 735 00:33:05,926 --> 00:33:07,186 Not based on this script. 736 00:33:07,288 --> 00:33:08,653 "There is only one return 737 00:33:08,755 --> 00:33:10,990 "and it ain't of the King, it's of the Jedi." 738 00:33:11,092 --> 00:33:12,623 Hmm. - Hey. 739 00:33:12,725 --> 00:33:14,327 You said that same thing about return 740 00:33:14,429 --> 00:33:16,099 the day that guy threw up in Mooby's 741 00:33:16,201 --> 00:33:17,628 and you made me clean it. - Yeah. 742 00:33:17,730 --> 00:33:19,166 Everything in the script is something 743 00:33:19,268 --> 00:33:20,364 either me or someone I know said, 744 00:33:20,466 --> 00:33:21,872 I just made up new names. 745 00:33:21,974 --> 00:33:23,069 What am I, some kind of writer? 746 00:33:23,171 --> 00:33:24,568 Ah, yes. 747 00:33:24,670 --> 00:33:26,540 Blockchain would like to understand 748 00:33:26,642 --> 00:33:28,639 why the two girls are into this "Dan-T" character 749 00:33:28,742 --> 00:33:31,144 when the Randy character is much funnier. 750 00:33:31,247 --> 00:33:32,751 Randy has been asking himself 751 00:33:32,853 --> 00:33:34,314 the same question his whole life. 752 00:33:34,416 --> 00:33:36,018 What's wrong with Dan-T? 753 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,151 Read his first scene on page 37. 754 00:33:38,253 --> 00:33:39,685 - Are you kidding me? 755 00:33:39,787 --> 00:33:41,121 I'm in this convenience store way more than you, 756 00:33:41,223 --> 00:33:42,421 but I don't come into your 757 00:33:42,523 --> 00:33:44,257 convenience store movie 'til page 37? 758 00:33:44,359 --> 00:33:46,290 I had a lot of exposition to do. 759 00:33:46,392 --> 00:33:47,825 "Enter Dan-T. 760 00:33:47,927 --> 00:33:50,396 "A hideous fuckin' chud of a man." What the fuck? 761 00:33:50,498 --> 00:33:52,770 - Well, maybe Dan-T's not you. 762 00:33:52,872 --> 00:33:54,169 Do you ever think of that? 763 00:33:54,271 --> 00:33:56,472 "Dan-T's hideous fuckin' chud of a beard 764 00:33:56,574 --> 00:33:59,470 "doesn't suggest Tony Stark so much as a male crack whore 765 00:33:59,572 --> 00:34:01,408 "who is cosplaying as Tony Stark." 766 00:34:01,510 --> 00:34:03,341 That's just in the screen direction. 767 00:34:03,443 --> 00:34:05,181 Nobody actually calls Dan-T 768 00:34:05,283 --> 00:34:07,785 "a hideous fuckin' chud." To his face. 769 00:34:07,887 --> 00:34:08,985 I can't believe you made me 770 00:34:09,087 --> 00:34:10,756 sign a non-disclosure agreement, 771 00:34:10,858 --> 00:34:12,389 only to read that I'm not even 772 00:34:12,491 --> 00:34:14,123 one of the main characters in the story of your life. 773 00:34:14,225 --> 00:34:15,520 I mean, I knew I was never the Luke, 774 00:34:15,622 --> 00:34:17,157 but I thought I was at least the Han. 775 00:34:17,259 --> 00:34:18,863 Oh, come on, I'm the Han 776 00:34:18,965 --> 00:34:19,995 and the Luke, right? 777 00:34:20,097 --> 00:34:22,461 Then who am I, the Chewie? 778 00:34:22,563 --> 00:34:24,365 I think Elias is more the Chewie, no? 779 00:34:24,467 --> 00:34:26,197 Unless this is Empire then I'm the Lando 780 00:34:26,299 --> 00:34:27,870 and he's the Lobot. 781 00:34:27,972 --> 00:34:29,068 I'm not even the Lobot? 782 00:34:29,170 --> 00:34:30,571 Which one's Lobot? 783 00:34:30,673 --> 00:34:31,942 He's the one with the headphones who looks like 784 00:34:32,044 --> 00:34:33,173 a dad who's trying to be a DJ. 785 00:34:33,275 --> 00:34:34,672 The bald fucker from Bespin 786 00:34:34,774 --> 00:34:36,344 who never says nothing the whole movie. 787 00:34:36,446 --> 00:34:38,382 Wouldn't that make Silent Bob the Lobot? 788 00:34:38,484 --> 00:34:42,054 No. Jay and Silent Bob are clearly the C-3PO and R2-D2. 789 00:34:42,156 --> 00:34:43,714 I mean, they've been here since the first movie, 790 00:34:43,816 --> 00:34:45,749 which was the last time they were cool, 791 00:34:45,851 --> 00:34:47,858 but they've been with the franchise so long 792 00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:49,157 they still give them cameos 793 00:34:49,259 --> 00:34:50,523 and put them on the lunchboxes. 794 00:34:50,625 --> 00:34:54,260 So if I'm not Luke, Han, Chewie, Lando, 795 00:34:54,362 --> 00:34:56,068 the droids or the Lobot, 796 00:34:56,170 --> 00:34:57,868 then who the fuck am I in your Star Wars, 797 00:34:57,971 --> 00:34:59,867 Princess fucking Leia? No. 798 00:34:59,969 --> 00:35:01,133 You're the Dak. 799 00:35:01,235 --> 00:35:03,535 Who the fuck is Dak? 800 00:35:03,637 --> 00:35:05,072 He's Luke Skywalker's tail gunner 801 00:35:05,174 --> 00:35:07,043 in the Battle of Hoth. 802 00:35:07,145 --> 00:35:08,408 You know, the guy who's ready 803 00:35:08,510 --> 00:35:10,114 to take on the whole Empire himself 804 00:35:10,216 --> 00:35:11,544 until the Empire kills the shit out of him? 805 00:35:11,647 --> 00:35:14,985 Did Dak even get an action figure? 806 00:35:15,087 --> 00:35:17,015 Not in the classic Kenner line, no. 807 00:35:17,117 --> 00:35:18,718 Because? 808 00:35:18,820 --> 00:35:20,385 Because he was deemed unimportant to the story. 809 00:35:20,488 --> 00:35:22,126 But that's just bullshit, man. 810 00:35:22,228 --> 00:35:25,461 Without Dak, Luke could have never... 811 00:35:25,563 --> 00:35:29,366 Like, Dak was the only guy that's, like, uh... 812 00:35:29,468 --> 00:35:33,071 I mean, Dak was plucky as shit, man, just like you. 813 00:35:33,173 --> 00:35:35,136 Uh, I have a question about the script. 814 00:35:35,238 --> 00:35:36,301 Great, more fuckin' notes. 815 00:35:36,403 --> 00:35:38,210 Go ahead. - Yes. 816 00:35:38,312 --> 00:35:41,078 Uh, I have a problem with the Friar Fuck character, 817 00:35:41,180 --> 00:35:42,814 who, I believe, is supposed to be me. 818 00:35:42,916 --> 00:35:45,578 Friar Fuck, uh, loves Jesus, 819 00:35:45,681 --> 00:35:48,781 uh, to what appears to be an unhealthy degree. 820 00:35:49,214 --> 00:35:50,384 And? 821 00:35:50,486 --> 00:35:53,288 And Elias is a born again Satanist. 822 00:35:53,390 --> 00:35:55,127 Because it was Satan who saved you 823 00:35:55,229 --> 00:35:57,587 when my prayers fell on the deaf ears of Jesus, 824 00:35:57,690 --> 00:35:59,657 the giant jerkoff. 825 00:35:59,759 --> 00:36:01,360 All right, listen up, Friar Fuck. 826 00:36:01,463 --> 00:36:02,693 I get that you just broke up 827 00:36:02,795 --> 00:36:04,730 with your boyfriend Jesus recently, 828 00:36:04,832 --> 00:36:06,938 and clearly you're going through some couture 829 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:08,634 and cosmetic stuff because of it. 830 00:36:08,737 --> 00:36:10,570 But for the first 36 years of your life, 831 00:36:10,672 --> 00:36:13,542 you were into Jesus to an unhealthy degree, 832 00:36:13,644 --> 00:36:16,607 and that's the Elias that I based Friar Fuck on. 833 00:36:16,709 --> 00:36:18,410 Then this script is based on lies. 834 00:36:18,512 --> 00:36:20,082 Welcome to the movie biz. 835 00:36:20,184 --> 00:36:22,784 There's no truth in this art! 836 00:36:22,886 --> 00:36:24,051 Jesus. 837 00:36:24,153 --> 00:36:26,550 Everyone's a critic. 838 00:36:26,652 --> 00:36:28,057 So, what do we do next? 839 00:36:28,159 --> 00:36:29,722 What are you asking Dak for? 840 00:36:29,824 --> 00:36:32,731 Well, I can't do this alone. I need a producer. 841 00:36:32,833 --> 00:36:34,558 That's your job. Me? 842 00:36:34,661 --> 00:36:36,563 What do I know about producing? 843 00:36:36,665 --> 00:36:38,298 Come on. I'm already writing and directing. 844 00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:39,697 I can't do everything, man. 845 00:36:39,799 --> 00:36:41,767 All right. What does a producer do? 846 00:36:41,869 --> 00:36:44,504 Just build us a schedule, keep us under budget, 847 00:36:44,606 --> 00:36:47,173 secure a DP, and most importantly, 848 00:36:47,275 --> 00:36:49,012 find us financing. 849 00:36:49,115 --> 00:36:52,083 What, I gotta get money, too? 850 00:36:52,185 --> 00:36:53,343 How much are we talking about here? 851 00:36:53,445 --> 00:36:55,718 Mmm, 25 grand. 852 00:36:55,820 --> 00:36:58,418 $25,000? 853 00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:01,291 Well, technically, it's $27,575 854 00:37:01,394 --> 00:37:03,193 but it would be way more if we were in Canada. 855 00:37:03,295 --> 00:37:04,555 Where the fuck am I supposed to find 856 00:37:04,657 --> 00:37:06,095 that kind of money from? 857 00:37:06,198 --> 00:37:07,695 We can find that kind of cash. 858 00:37:08,295 --> 00:37:09,761 What? How? 859 00:37:09,864 --> 00:37:11,364 We launch our crypto kite NFTs next month. 860 00:37:11,466 --> 00:37:13,071 So the Crimson Crypto Club 861 00:37:13,173 --> 00:37:14,268 could have a lot of money to invest 862 00:37:14,370 --> 00:37:15,700 if the crypto kites fly. 863 00:37:15,802 --> 00:37:17,637 - Again with the fucking kites. 864 00:37:17,740 --> 00:37:20,177 Guys, we need real loot to make a real movie, 865 00:37:20,279 --> 00:37:22,309 not your make pretend Matrix money, 866 00:37:22,411 --> 00:37:24,241 you fuckin' kite fucker. 867 00:37:24,343 --> 00:37:26,782 I'm sick and tired of the kite killing attitude around here. 868 00:37:30,850 --> 00:37:32,554 - Anyway, back to the budget. 869 00:37:32,656 --> 00:37:33,954 What if we took out a loan against the store? 870 00:37:34,056 --> 00:37:35,357 A loan? 871 00:37:35,459 --> 00:37:37,262 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't we just 872 00:37:37,364 --> 00:37:38,623 slow down a minute and think about this first? 873 00:37:38,725 --> 00:37:40,725 Slow down? I almost died, man. 874 00:37:40,827 --> 00:37:42,563 It doesn't get any slower than that. 875 00:37:42,665 --> 00:37:45,267 I'm not getting all "Dante" about this. 876 00:37:45,369 --> 00:37:46,797 Uh, what's that supposed to mean? 877 00:37:46,899 --> 00:37:48,370 You're the guy who can never decide 878 00:37:48,472 --> 00:37:50,000 whether to shit or get off the pot. 879 00:37:50,102 --> 00:37:52,341 Well, I don't have time for that anymore. 880 00:37:52,443 --> 00:37:54,343 From now on, I'm gonna shit bricks 881 00:37:54,445 --> 00:37:56,176 or what's the point of being here? 882 00:37:56,278 --> 00:37:57,577 So, come on, man, 883 00:37:57,679 --> 00:37:59,676 get behind me when I shit for once. 884 00:37:59,779 --> 00:38:02,279 So I can what, wipe your ass? 885 00:38:04,051 --> 00:38:05,619 You know, I don't wanna get all "Dante" about this, 886 00:38:05,721 --> 00:38:08,085 but find someone else to take your shit. 887 00:38:26,940 --> 00:38:30,782 - Well, well, well, here he is. 888 00:38:30,884 --> 00:38:32,582 The escape artist. 889 00:38:34,955 --> 00:38:37,049 I Sit on Your Grave. 890 00:38:37,151 --> 00:38:40,155 Didn't we have that movie at the video store? 891 00:38:40,257 --> 00:38:41,952 I Spit on Your Grave. 892 00:38:42,054 --> 00:38:44,062 Hicks, you spit on my grave in a dream, 893 00:38:44,164 --> 00:38:45,696 you better wake up and apologize. 894 00:38:45,798 --> 00:38:46,791 Ah... 895 00:38:46,893 --> 00:38:49,233 So this is a dream. Uh, if it is, 896 00:38:49,335 --> 00:38:52,033 then you need to learn to dream bigger. 897 00:38:52,135 --> 00:38:53,235 I mean, really, 898 00:38:53,338 --> 00:38:54,835 this is the best that you can do? 899 00:38:55,908 --> 00:38:57,371 A cemetery? 900 00:38:57,474 --> 00:39:00,877 You can't dream us into sex... 901 00:39:00,979 --> 00:39:02,447 on the beach... 902 00:39:03,113 --> 00:39:05,348 in Hawaii? 903 00:39:05,450 --> 00:39:07,644 Like you'd wanna have sex with me now. 904 00:39:07,746 --> 00:39:09,715 I'm an old man. 905 00:39:09,817 --> 00:39:12,287 I'll have you know that being dead only 906 00:39:12,389 --> 00:39:14,791 increases your sex drive. 907 00:39:15,996 --> 00:39:18,624 The dead live to fuck. 908 00:39:18,726 --> 00:39:20,765 So you have sex in the afterlife? 909 00:39:20,867 --> 00:39:22,300 Hell's yeah. 910 00:39:22,403 --> 00:39:24,367 There's nothing to do in Heaven except fuck. 911 00:39:24,469 --> 00:39:26,736 That's what makes it Heaven. 912 00:39:26,838 --> 00:39:29,137 I can't believe my wife's having sex with dead people. 913 00:39:29,239 --> 00:39:30,471 Famous dead people. 914 00:39:30,573 --> 00:39:32,104 I'm on the celebrity circuit now. 915 00:39:32,206 --> 00:39:34,177 Bullshit. Name one famous person you fucked in Heaven. 916 00:39:34,279 --> 00:39:36,075 One. Okay. 917 00:39:36,177 --> 00:39:40,314 I have knocked boots with the ghost of Cleopatra, sir. 918 00:39:40,416 --> 00:39:42,550 Oh. And Miles Davis 919 00:39:42,652 --> 00:39:45,083 and Frederick Douglass, together. 920 00:39:46,390 --> 00:39:48,320 George Washington... What? 921 00:39:48,422 --> 00:39:50,361 Carver. Oh. 922 00:39:50,463 --> 00:39:51,929 You know how much I love peanut butter. 923 00:39:52,031 --> 00:39:53,930 True. Who else? 924 00:39:54,032 --> 00:39:55,362 Um, Carl Sagan. 925 00:39:55,464 --> 00:39:57,669 Oh! A real thinker. 926 00:39:57,771 --> 00:39:58,800 Um... 927 00:39:59,906 --> 00:40:01,667 Malcolm X. 928 00:40:01,769 --> 00:40:04,542 Malcolm triple X. Oh, settle down. 929 00:40:04,644 --> 00:40:07,309 And I'm sure you're letting them all go ass to mouth. 930 00:40:07,411 --> 00:40:09,745 Uh, yeah, they're famous. 931 00:40:16,521 --> 00:40:18,083 You think I want this, don't you? 932 00:40:19,853 --> 00:40:22,087 You carrying the torch for me? 933 00:40:23,729 --> 00:40:26,028 I told you how I feel about romantic love, Hicks. 934 00:40:26,130 --> 00:40:27,694 Oh, I remember. 935 00:40:27,796 --> 00:40:30,334 You were very convincing. Mmm. 936 00:40:30,436 --> 00:40:32,229 Right up until the day I proposed. 937 00:40:34,574 --> 00:40:36,671 We only knew each other for, like, 15 minutes. 938 00:40:36,773 --> 00:40:39,539 You've been mourning me for, like, 15 years. 939 00:40:39,642 --> 00:40:40,839 So what do you want me to do? 940 00:40:40,941 --> 00:40:42,874 You want me to just forget about you? 941 00:40:42,976 --> 00:40:45,616 You were all I ever dreamed about. 942 00:40:46,216 --> 00:40:47,486 Both of you. 943 00:40:49,047 --> 00:40:50,885 Now... 944 00:40:52,388 --> 00:40:55,219 God, I'm so alone. 945 00:40:58,030 --> 00:40:59,498 I know. 946 00:41:00,794 --> 00:41:02,798 I know losing me and Grace... 947 00:41:03,937 --> 00:41:04,998 broke you. 948 00:41:06,803 --> 00:41:09,136 But you don't know how lucky you have it. 949 00:41:09,238 --> 00:41:10,739 What? 950 00:41:10,841 --> 00:41:13,904 The Book of Life is closed for the two of us. 951 00:41:14,006 --> 00:41:16,777 But you... can still turn a page. 952 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,578 You get to keep writing the story of your life. 953 00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,784 Why bother without you? 954 00:41:22,886 --> 00:41:26,052 Because there are more tales to tell, Hicks. 955 00:41:27,557 --> 00:41:29,690 As long as you're alive, 956 00:41:29,792 --> 00:41:32,289 you can always start another chapter. 957 00:41:33,929 --> 00:41:38,262 So live while you can, love while you can. 958 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:41,903 God damn it. 959 00:41:44,373 --> 00:41:45,742 Dream bigger. 960 00:41:48,678 --> 00:41:51,144 That all sounds pretty romantic 961 00:41:51,246 --> 00:41:54,285 coming from a girl who doesn't believe in romantic love. 962 00:41:54,387 --> 00:41:56,250 I don't believe in romantic love. 963 00:41:56,352 --> 00:41:58,117 That's my girl. 964 00:42:00,424 --> 00:42:01,890 But I do believe in you. 965 00:42:30,824 --> 00:42:32,653 Hey, I wanna thank you guys for having me here today. 966 00:42:32,755 --> 00:42:35,288 I've always wanted to be an actor. 967 00:42:35,390 --> 00:42:36,890 Nice. 968 00:42:36,992 --> 00:42:41,598 I'm not even supposed to be here today! 969 00:42:41,700 --> 00:42:43,193 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 970 00:42:43,295 --> 00:42:45,164 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 971 00:42:45,266 --> 00:42:48,039 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 972 00:42:50,677 --> 00:42:52,506 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 973 00:42:52,608 --> 00:42:53,973 I'm not even supposed 974 00:42:54,075 --> 00:42:57,680 to fucking be here to fucking day, fucks. 975 00:42:57,782 --> 00:43:00,649 Oh, shit! I thought that was the police. 976 00:43:00,751 --> 00:43:02,385 I'm not even supposed to be here. 977 00:43:02,487 --> 00:43:04,587 By the power of Grayskull, 978 00:43:04,689 --> 00:43:10,258 I am not supposed to be here today! 979 00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:11,727 Hey, I'm Joe. 980 00:43:11,829 --> 00:43:13,256 Uh, I'm 45-years-old, recently divorced, 981 00:43:13,359 --> 00:43:15,632 and I figured I'd give this shit a go. Uh... 982 00:43:15,734 --> 00:43:17,735 I am not even supposed to be here today. 983 00:43:19,072 --> 00:43:20,565 Damn right. 984 00:43:20,667 --> 00:43:23,074 Uh... 985 00:43:23,176 --> 00:43:25,110 Lion face. 986 00:43:25,212 --> 00:43:27,776 Lemon face. 987 00:43:27,878 --> 00:43:31,681 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 988 00:43:31,783 --> 00:43:33,616 Um... A little about me. 989 00:43:33,718 --> 00:43:35,912 I'm known professionally as Boston John. 990 00:43:36,014 --> 00:43:37,853 That's a nom de plume. 991 00:43:37,955 --> 00:43:41,659 Uh, Robert De Niro is my fuckin'... Lone star. 992 00:43:41,761 --> 00:43:43,892 You know what I'm saying? Close your eyes. Just... 993 00:43:43,994 --> 00:43:46,895 Close your eyes. Just listen. Ready? All right? 994 00:43:46,997 --> 00:43:49,166 I have nipples, Greg. 995 00:43:49,268 --> 00:43:50,962 Could you milk me? 996 00:43:51,064 --> 00:43:53,934 Fuck, that is one, bitch. All day. 997 00:43:54,036 --> 00:43:56,104 Can you give me one like Schwarzenegger? 998 00:43:56,206 --> 00:43:58,541 I'm not even supposed to be here today. 999 00:43:58,643 --> 00:44:00,872 But can you, uh, Pacino that shit? 1000 00:44:00,974 --> 00:44:02,179 Ooh-ah! 1001 00:44:02,281 --> 00:44:03,844 When, Lord? 1002 00:44:03,946 --> 00:44:07,147 When will I see the God damn sailboat? 1003 00:44:08,721 --> 00:44:12,254 That came from a real deep personal place. 1004 00:44:12,356 --> 00:44:13,656 I have a BFA. 1005 00:44:13,758 --> 00:44:15,086 Uh, I'm a theater background actor. 1006 00:44:15,188 --> 00:44:17,121 As an actor with a theater background, 1007 00:44:17,223 --> 00:44:19,230 I was classically trained in New York. 1008 00:44:19,332 --> 00:44:21,030 Have you actually thought 1009 00:44:21,132 --> 00:44:22,332 about going musical with this? 'Cause it could be... 1010 00:44:22,434 --> 00:44:23,497 ♪ I'm not even... 1011 00:44:23,599 --> 00:44:25,763 Supposed to be here. 1012 00:44:25,865 --> 00:44:29,670 ♪ Today ♪ 1013 00:44:29,772 --> 00:44:32,402 Hah, hoo, hah. Yeah-cha! 1014 00:44:32,504 --> 00:44:35,444 Kick ball change and snap, snap, jazz hands. 1015 00:44:35,546 --> 00:44:37,474 That is beautiful, man. 1016 00:44:39,285 --> 00:44:40,444 Freddie Prinze Jr. 1017 00:44:42,148 --> 00:44:43,984 "I'll fuck anything that moves." 1018 00:44:44,086 --> 00:44:46,017 Wait, wait a minute, man, is this a porno? 1019 00:44:46,119 --> 00:44:47,986 I'll fuck anything that moves. 1020 00:44:48,088 --> 00:44:49,526 I'll fuck anything that moves. 1021 00:44:49,628 --> 00:44:50,990 I'll fuck anything that moves. 1022 00:44:51,092 --> 00:44:52,563 That's a little bit in your face. 1023 00:44:52,665 --> 00:44:54,326 Let me try it like this, hold on. 1024 00:44:54,428 --> 00:44:56,027 Can I borrow your underpants for about ten minutes? 1025 00:44:56,129 --> 00:44:57,694 I'll fuck anything that moves. 1026 00:44:57,797 --> 00:44:58,897 And, fool, 1027 00:44:58,999 --> 00:45:01,637 I always carry a machete. 1028 00:45:01,739 --> 00:45:04,971 I'll fuck anything that moves! 1029 00:45:05,073 --> 00:45:06,807 Sounds like the guy I buy weed from. 1030 00:45:06,909 --> 00:45:08,178 You know what this movie needs? 1031 00:45:08,280 --> 00:45:10,680 Deez. Deez nuts! 1032 00:45:10,782 --> 00:45:12,717 Can I just offer you a piece of advice? 1033 00:45:12,819 --> 00:45:14,519 You know what this script needs right here? 1034 00:45:14,621 --> 00:45:17,219 Like an old lady that says curse words. 1035 00:45:17,322 --> 00:45:18,956 Holy shit. 1036 00:45:19,058 --> 00:45:21,685 Who wrote this garbage? His mother should be ashamed. 1037 00:45:25,759 --> 00:45:26,958 The fuck? 1038 00:45:27,061 --> 00:45:29,229 He's auditioning for Silent Bill. 1039 00:45:32,232 --> 00:45:33,836 I don't know if you know Sound of Music, 1040 00:45:33,938 --> 00:45:35,539 the marionettes were the best part of that. 1041 00:45:35,641 --> 00:45:38,937 I think that's why they won Oscars. 1042 00:45:39,039 --> 00:45:40,976 It's worth thinking about 1043 00:45:41,078 --> 00:45:44,178 maybe doing the whole movie with marionettes. 1044 00:45:52,922 --> 00:45:54,288 Take your heart pills, Tin Man. 1045 00:45:54,390 --> 00:45:55,923 Hey. 1046 00:45:56,025 --> 00:45:57,791 So, how's it going with the financing? 1047 00:45:57,893 --> 00:45:59,428 You raise my money, yet? 1048 00:45:59,530 --> 00:46:00,796 If it's your money, 1049 00:46:00,898 --> 00:46:02,059 then how come I have to raise it? 1050 00:46:02,162 --> 00:46:03,898 That's Hollywood. 1051 00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:05,334 Did you finish reading the script? 1052 00:46:05,436 --> 00:46:06,436 Last night. 1053 00:46:06,538 --> 00:46:08,337 And? It's funny, right? 1054 00:46:08,439 --> 00:46:10,171 It's funny, 1055 00:46:10,273 --> 00:46:12,807 but it was like my entire life flashed before my eyes. 1056 00:46:12,909 --> 00:46:15,140 My life flashed before your eyes. 1057 00:46:15,242 --> 00:46:17,816 I was glad you left some stuff out. 1058 00:46:19,714 --> 00:46:20,948 So, uh... 1059 00:46:21,050 --> 00:46:23,047 which one of these guys gets to play me? 1060 00:46:23,150 --> 00:46:24,281 Well, the guys are too young 1061 00:46:24,383 --> 00:46:26,251 and hot to play you. What the fuck? 1062 00:46:26,353 --> 00:46:29,086 And nobody's nearly funny enough to play me. 1063 00:46:29,189 --> 00:46:30,659 So then, what are you gonna do? 1064 00:46:30,762 --> 00:46:33,397 I'm gonna play my part myself. 1065 00:46:45,043 --> 00:46:48,546 All right, already, we're closing. Gee whiz! 1066 00:46:48,648 --> 00:46:51,614 Why? You're highly offending me! 1067 00:46:51,716 --> 00:46:54,046 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. 1068 00:46:54,148 --> 00:46:56,451 I'm sorry, ma'am, we're closed. 1069 00:46:56,553 --> 00:46:58,052 It's me, Randal. 1070 00:46:58,154 --> 00:47:00,756 Huh. Cool. Blade Runner, I like that. 1071 00:47:00,858 --> 00:47:02,958 Thanks. What's a Blade Runner? 1072 00:47:03,060 --> 00:47:05,128 Can we get back to you acting in a movie 1073 00:47:05,230 --> 00:47:07,696 that you're directing even though you've never acted in 1074 00:47:07,798 --> 00:47:09,060 or directed a movie before? 1075 00:47:09,163 --> 00:47:10,765 It worked for Orson Welles. 1076 00:47:10,868 --> 00:47:12,470 You're not an actor. 1077 00:47:12,572 --> 00:47:13,870 Neither was Howard Stern, 1078 00:47:13,972 --> 00:47:15,837 but he acted in the movie about his life. 1079 00:47:15,939 --> 00:47:17,002 If you call that acting. 1080 00:47:17,105 --> 00:47:18,501 You think you can do better? 1081 00:47:18,604 --> 00:47:20,974 Better than Howard Stern did in Private Parts? 1082 00:47:21,076 --> 00:47:22,680 It's not a high bar. 1083 00:47:22,782 --> 00:47:25,145 Great, because you're playing Dan-T. 1084 00:47:25,247 --> 00:47:27,883 What? No, no, no. I'm not. I can't act. 1085 00:47:27,985 --> 00:47:29,212 You're as good as any of the jokers 1086 00:47:29,314 --> 00:47:30,988 we saw at 1the audition. 1087 00:47:31,090 --> 00:47:33,349 Besides, if I'm gonna play me, you gotta play you. 1088 00:47:33,451 --> 00:47:35,493 You have to do this, Mr. Dan-T. 1089 00:47:35,595 --> 00:47:36,825 - Oh, for God's sakes, 1090 00:47:36,927 --> 00:47:38,862 please stop calling me Mr. Dan-T. 1091 00:47:38,965 --> 00:47:40,896 That's another thing. Fuck all the fake names. 1092 00:47:40,998 --> 00:47:43,160 What is this shit, Mad Magazine? 1093 00:47:43,262 --> 00:47:45,670 Randal is playing Randal. 1094 00:47:45,772 --> 00:47:49,771 Dante is playing Dante, aka Mr. Dante, 1095 00:47:49,873 --> 00:47:52,939 and Elias is playing Elias. 1096 00:47:53,042 --> 00:47:54,306 - I'm in the movie, too? 1097 00:47:54,408 --> 00:47:56,613 Yup. And as a Satanist playing a Christian, 1098 00:47:56,715 --> 00:47:58,648 you've gotta act the most. 1099 00:47:58,750 --> 00:48:00,779 It's my very own chance... 1100 00:48:00,881 --> 00:48:02,346 to transform. 1101 00:48:02,448 --> 00:48:05,022 And transform you shall, Bumblebee. 1102 00:48:05,124 --> 00:48:08,189 Soon as Mr. Dante secures our fuckin' financing. 1103 00:48:08,291 --> 00:48:10,825 Yo, it's too bad you didn't marry that Emma chick, 1104 00:48:10,927 --> 00:48:12,492 the one with the big clit. 1105 00:48:12,594 --> 00:48:14,894 Wasn't she like some kinda car wash heiress or something? 1106 00:48:14,996 --> 00:48:16,094 - Can you focus? 1107 00:48:16,197 --> 00:48:17,560 Even if we do play ourselves, 1108 00:48:17,663 --> 00:48:19,465 you still got to cast all the customer parts. 1109 00:48:19,567 --> 00:48:23,135 Why am I casting customers to say all this stupid shit 1110 00:48:23,237 --> 00:48:25,008 when I still see the real customers 1111 00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:26,843 who said all the stupid shit in the first place 1112 00:48:26,945 --> 00:48:29,273 come in here every day? They can do it. 1113 00:48:29,375 --> 00:48:31,209 Oh, my God, you can't just turn 1114 00:48:31,311 --> 00:48:33,212 regular people into movie stars. 1115 00:48:33,314 --> 00:48:36,452 Noinch, noinch, noinch! Smokin' weed. 1116 00:48:36,554 --> 00:48:37,885 Smokin' weed! 1117 00:48:37,987 --> 00:48:39,118 Pack of wraps, my good man. 1118 00:48:39,220 --> 00:48:40,721 Time to kick back, drink some beers 1119 00:48:40,823 --> 00:48:41,988 and smoke some weed. 1120 00:48:42,090 --> 00:48:44,288 You own a whole weed store. 1121 00:48:44,390 --> 00:48:45,994 Hey, Randal, I've got an idea. 1122 00:48:46,096 --> 00:48:48,863 What if Jay and Bob play Jay and Bob? 1123 00:48:48,965 --> 00:48:52,131 Well, we can ask 'em. Yo. 1124 00:48:52,233 --> 00:48:54,572 Youse guys want to be in my movie? 1125 00:48:54,674 --> 00:48:56,266 Ooh, a pornography movie? 1126 00:48:56,369 --> 00:48:58,107 - It's not a porno movie. 1127 00:48:58,209 --> 00:48:59,877 It's the movie we're shooting in your store. 1128 00:48:59,979 --> 00:49:02,173 That movie? You still ain't done? 1129 00:49:02,275 --> 00:49:04,213 We haven't even started yet. 1130 00:49:04,315 --> 00:49:07,611 I don't know. Who would we be playing in this movie? 1131 00:49:07,713 --> 00:49:09,314 Well, it's these two characters I kind of based 1132 00:49:09,416 --> 00:49:11,622 on you and Maggie Simpson here. 1133 00:49:11,724 --> 00:49:14,022 Check out your first scene. 1134 00:49:14,124 --> 00:49:15,819 - These guys aren't real actors. 1135 00:49:15,921 --> 00:49:18,190 But they are real fucked up and I could work with that. 1136 00:49:18,292 --> 00:49:20,224 This doesn't sound like me at all. 1137 00:49:20,326 --> 00:49:21,832 What are you talking about? 1138 00:49:21,934 --> 00:49:23,593 All the shit in there is all the stuff 1139 00:49:23,695 --> 00:49:26,098 I've personally heard you say around here. 1140 00:49:26,201 --> 00:49:27,905 I do not talk like this, man. 1141 00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:29,807 Why do you have me saying stupid shit like 1142 00:49:29,909 --> 00:49:31,334 "Snootchie Bootchies" all the time? 1143 00:49:31,437 --> 00:49:33,108 - I'll tell you what. 1144 00:49:33,211 --> 00:49:35,309 If you guys play yourselves in the movie, 1145 00:49:35,411 --> 00:49:37,813 I'll let you guys be in charge of Crafty, too. 1146 00:49:37,915 --> 00:49:39,744 So what's Crafty about? 1147 00:49:39,846 --> 00:49:42,678 Well, in addition to being the comic relief in the movie, 1148 00:49:42,781 --> 00:49:45,150 you'd also be in charge of all the food on set. 1149 00:49:45,253 --> 00:49:47,253 Ooh, we learned about food prep 1150 00:49:47,355 --> 00:49:50,190 back when we ran the fucking Cock Smoker. 1151 00:49:50,292 --> 00:49:51,621 Wasn't that place just a drug front? 1152 00:49:51,723 --> 00:49:54,565 No, we had drugs in the front 1153 00:49:54,667 --> 00:49:56,767 and drugs in the back. 1154 00:49:56,869 --> 00:49:58,099 - So if Elias is playing Elias 1155 00:49:58,201 --> 00:49:59,970 and these dopes are playing themselves, 1156 00:50:00,072 --> 00:50:01,364 who are you gonna get to play Veronica? 1157 00:50:01,466 --> 00:50:03,005 Well, funny you should ask, 1158 00:50:03,107 --> 00:50:05,040 'cause earlier today I sent the script 1159 00:50:05,142 --> 00:50:07,044 to someone who will be absolutely... 1160 00:50:07,146 --> 00:50:09,105 ...perfect to play Veronica. 1161 00:50:10,809 --> 00:50:13,850 Who the fuck do you people think you are? 1162 00:50:13,952 --> 00:50:15,951 Veronica? What is this filth? 1163 00:50:16,053 --> 00:50:18,417 What is this gamey, tawdry trash 1164 00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:21,221 that makes me out to be some slutty sex maniac? 1165 00:50:21,323 --> 00:50:22,990 - It's just a movie I'm making 1166 00:50:23,093 --> 00:50:24,390 about my life, and I thought 1167 00:50:24,492 --> 00:50:26,023 it'd be fun for you to play yourself in it. 1168 00:50:26,125 --> 00:50:27,529 Oh, you did? 1169 00:50:27,631 --> 00:50:28,965 Yeah. 1170 00:50:29,067 --> 00:50:30,934 Then you are fucking sick! Hey! 1171 00:50:31,036 --> 00:50:33,332 Watch it with my artistic expression. 1172 00:50:33,434 --> 00:50:35,967 "Artistic expression"? That's my life. 1173 00:50:36,069 --> 00:50:37,369 It's my life. 1174 00:50:37,471 --> 00:50:39,669 Okay, everybody, calm down. Jeez. 1175 00:50:39,771 --> 00:50:41,241 - Oh, come on, you would have killed 1176 00:50:41,343 --> 00:50:42,778 to have been in a film in college. 1177 00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:43,944 You majored in drama. 1178 00:50:44,046 --> 00:50:46,112 I minored in drama. 1179 00:50:46,214 --> 00:50:48,246 I majored in oral surgery. 1180 00:50:48,348 --> 00:50:50,147 All hail the queen of oral. 1181 00:50:50,249 --> 00:50:51,920 Fuck you. Surgery. 1182 00:50:52,022 --> 00:50:53,486 You didn't let me finish. 1183 00:50:53,588 --> 00:50:55,253 And I'm not gonna let you finish this film either, 1184 00:50:55,355 --> 00:50:57,192 not with me as a character. 1185 00:50:57,294 --> 00:51:00,093 I'm not some fucking joke you get to tell 1186 00:51:00,196 --> 00:51:01,932 in your dirty little B movie, 1187 00:51:02,034 --> 00:51:04,894 you two-bit strip mall Soderbergh. 1188 00:51:04,996 --> 00:51:07,904 I see myself more like retail's Richard Linklater. 1189 00:51:08,006 --> 00:51:09,267 - You want to do this? 1190 00:51:09,370 --> 00:51:11,734 Fine, but leave me out of it. 1191 00:51:11,837 --> 00:51:14,275 Unlike either of you, I've got a grown-up job. 1192 00:51:14,378 --> 00:51:17,214 And unlike either of you, I've got a family. 1193 00:51:20,412 --> 00:51:22,318 Oh, man, I'm so sorry. 1194 00:51:24,689 --> 00:51:26,522 I... Sorry. 1195 00:51:38,803 --> 00:51:40,136 Please don't cry. 1196 00:51:40,238 --> 00:51:43,869 It's just been a shit day. 1197 00:51:45,438 --> 00:51:48,075 I had two cancelations. 1198 00:51:48,177 --> 00:51:49,913 My ex calls to tell me that 1199 00:51:50,015 --> 00:51:52,044 he's not putting our daughter's car 1200 00:51:52,146 --> 00:51:53,478 on his insurance, 1201 00:51:53,580 --> 00:51:56,748 and so now somehow she's pissed at me. 1202 00:51:58,750 --> 00:52:03,022 And then I see you and say that shit. 1203 00:52:03,124 --> 00:52:05,823 It's okay. Really. 1204 00:52:05,925 --> 00:52:09,359 I kinda feel like... I feel like such an asshole. 1205 00:52:09,461 --> 00:52:12,400 Hey, Ronnie. 1206 00:52:12,502 --> 00:52:14,672 If Randal told me he was gonna send you the script, 1207 00:52:14,774 --> 00:52:16,174 I would've said no way. 1208 00:52:16,941 --> 00:52:18,836 But now, I'm glad he did. 1209 00:52:20,272 --> 00:52:21,807 Because it's... 1210 00:52:21,909 --> 00:52:25,414 it's really nice to see you. Even under the circumstances. 1211 00:52:28,085 --> 00:52:30,349 And you look great. 1212 00:52:30,451 --> 00:52:32,117 You look way younger than I do. 1213 00:52:32,219 --> 00:52:34,825 Yeah? Yeah. 1214 00:52:34,928 --> 00:52:37,586 How young you think I look? 1215 00:52:37,689 --> 00:52:39,527 You don't look a day over... 1216 00:52:40,293 --> 00:52:42,431 37. 1217 00:52:43,966 --> 00:52:45,096 So, um... 1218 00:52:46,966 --> 00:52:48,067 You want to fuck? 1219 00:52:48,169 --> 00:52:49,805 ♪ I'm a mess 1220 00:52:49,907 --> 00:52:51,774 ♪ All washed out 1221 00:52:51,876 --> 00:52:53,843 ♪ Mostly regrets 1222 00:52:53,945 --> 00:52:55,338 ♪ Laced with doubts 1223 00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:56,539 ♪ All bruised up 1224 00:52:57,982 --> 00:52:59,280 ♪ I'm knocked down 1225 00:52:59,382 --> 00:53:01,313 You think this means Veronica is in? 1226 00:53:01,416 --> 00:53:03,950 I think it means Dante sure is. 1227 00:53:04,052 --> 00:53:05,986 ♪ No hope 1228 00:53:06,088 --> 00:53:07,489 ♪ No peace ♪ 1229 00:53:08,827 --> 00:53:10,025 - "Silent Bob, 1230 00:53:10,128 --> 00:53:13,061 "you are a rude motherfucker. 1231 00:53:13,164 --> 00:53:15,765 "But you are cute as hell." 1232 00:53:19,068 --> 00:53:20,367 Silent Bob! 1233 00:53:20,469 --> 00:53:23,840 You are a rrr-rude motherfucker! 1234 00:53:23,942 --> 00:53:25,606 But you're cute as hell! 1235 00:53:28,344 --> 00:53:29,839 - I brought the cat, Randal. 1236 00:53:29,941 --> 00:53:31,743 Perfect. We don't want him going anywhere 1237 00:53:31,845 --> 00:53:33,381 near a litter box until we're ready to shoot. 1238 00:53:33,483 --> 00:53:34,950 So you're gonna have to hold him all day. 1239 00:53:35,052 --> 00:53:36,779 But I'm allergic to cats. 1240 00:53:36,881 --> 00:53:39,188 You got to suffer for your art, man. 1241 00:53:39,290 --> 00:53:40,686 But it's not my art, it's your art. 1242 00:53:40,788 --> 00:53:42,386 Shouldn't you be the one doing the suffering? 1243 00:53:42,488 --> 00:53:43,819 I didn't suffer enough 1244 00:53:43,921 --> 00:53:45,390 when I almost died from a heart attack, 1245 00:53:45,493 --> 00:53:47,228 which I might add was after 1246 00:53:47,330 --> 00:53:49,065 a heated exchange about kites? 1247 00:53:49,167 --> 00:53:50,728 My allergies have made me immune 1248 00:53:50,831 --> 00:53:52,867 to your emotional blackmail. 1249 00:53:56,370 --> 00:53:57,600 Check out this acting. 1250 00:53:57,702 --> 00:53:59,438 Silent Bob, 1251 00:53:59,540 --> 00:54:02,175 you are a rrr-rude motherfucker! 1252 00:54:02,277 --> 00:54:04,379 But you're cute as hell. 1253 00:54:04,481 --> 00:54:07,318 Very natural, and subtle. I like it. 1254 00:54:09,352 --> 00:54:11,649 So, how are you feeling today? 1255 00:54:11,751 --> 00:54:13,683 Oh, you know, I feel like that kid 1256 00:54:13,785 --> 00:54:15,422 that worked in the video store, 1257 00:54:15,524 --> 00:54:17,522 fully fluent in the language of cinema. 1258 00:54:17,624 --> 00:54:19,528 It's like I was born to direct. 1259 00:54:19,630 --> 00:54:21,327 No, bro. I mean, you had a heart attack last month. 1260 00:54:21,429 --> 00:54:23,361 Oh, that. No, I feel fine. 1261 00:54:23,463 --> 00:54:24,762 How do you feel today 1262 00:54:24,865 --> 00:54:26,797 after your Range Rover sleepover last night? 1263 00:54:26,899 --> 00:54:29,536 Stop it. When I said to be a producer, 1264 00:54:29,639 --> 00:54:32,072 I didn't mean produce a late-in-life child. 1265 00:54:32,174 --> 00:54:33,739 Unwilling producer. 1266 00:54:33,841 --> 00:54:36,575 I didn't ask for this job, but I am doing it. 1267 00:54:36,677 --> 00:54:39,115 So I have a meeting today about money. 1268 00:54:39,217 --> 00:54:41,216 Fucking A, that's producing, J.J. 1269 00:54:41,318 --> 00:54:43,184 And I found you a cinematographer. 1270 00:54:43,287 --> 00:54:45,081 What? May I present to you... 1271 00:54:46,924 --> 00:54:47,952 Shooter Bob. 1272 00:54:49,425 --> 00:54:51,327 Silent Bob is gonna be our DP? 1273 00:54:51,429 --> 00:54:54,592 Shit, yeah, we all gonna be doing DPs! 1274 00:54:54,694 --> 00:54:56,461 Uh, DP is the name of the job. 1275 00:54:56,564 --> 00:54:57,694 You said it was cinematographer. 1276 00:54:57,796 --> 00:55:00,269 The cinematographer is the DP. 1277 00:55:00,371 --> 00:55:02,071 Man, don't be acting like you know 1278 00:55:02,174 --> 00:55:03,438 all the industry slang and shit. 1279 00:55:03,540 --> 00:55:04,967 Me and Silent Bob are the only ones here 1280 00:55:05,069 --> 00:55:08,272 who've actually been on a movie set. Twice. 1281 00:55:10,211 --> 00:55:11,577 - Come on. 1282 00:55:11,679 --> 00:55:13,581 Yes, he's an unconventional choice, 1283 00:55:13,683 --> 00:55:16,118 but you are an unconventional filmmaker making 1284 00:55:16,221 --> 00:55:18,017 an unconventional film. Yeah. 1285 00:55:18,120 --> 00:55:21,355 You want me to entrust the story of my life to the Quiet Place. 1286 00:55:21,457 --> 00:55:23,059 He has some really nice shots 1287 00:55:23,161 --> 00:55:24,391 on his Instagram. 1288 00:55:24,493 --> 00:55:26,056 Come on, give him a chance, man. 1289 00:55:26,158 --> 00:55:28,097 Maybe he speaks the language of cinema like you do. 1290 00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:30,198 The guy never speaks at all. 1291 00:55:30,301 --> 00:55:33,070 Okay, so we just scouted in here, 1292 00:55:33,172 --> 00:55:34,799 and the colors are fucking ugly. 1293 00:55:34,902 --> 00:55:37,335 So Silent Bob wants to shoot the whole movie 1294 00:55:37,437 --> 00:55:39,036 in black and white. 1295 00:55:39,138 --> 00:55:42,146 Schindler's List black and white? What, is he nuts? 1296 00:55:42,248 --> 00:55:44,345 Uh, no, I'm a fucking filmmaker. 1297 00:55:44,447 --> 00:55:46,346 And any filmmaker worth their salt 1298 00:55:46,448 --> 00:55:47,712 would know that the colors 1299 00:55:47,814 --> 00:55:49,451 in this place are fucking ghastly. 1300 00:55:49,553 --> 00:55:50,981 The only way you could deal with them 1301 00:55:51,083 --> 00:55:52,850 is to neutralize them by going in black and white, 1302 00:55:52,953 --> 00:55:55,158 which will also kind of act as a commentary 1303 00:55:55,260 --> 00:55:57,561 on the soulless nature of commerce 1304 00:55:57,663 --> 00:56:00,592 while subliminally giving the audience the impression 1305 00:56:00,694 --> 00:56:02,932 that they're watching our heroes 1306 00:56:03,034 --> 00:56:04,267 from the perspective 1307 00:56:04,369 --> 00:56:06,767 of an imaginary store security cam. 1308 00:56:07,933 --> 00:56:09,536 That's what I was thinking. Mmm-hmm. 1309 00:56:09,638 --> 00:56:11,041 That's what an artist thinks. Yup. 1310 00:56:11,144 --> 00:56:12,606 But, you know, it's up to you. 1311 00:56:12,709 --> 00:56:15,412 However, I'm shooting it in black and white, 1312 00:56:15,514 --> 00:56:17,506 or I ain't shooting it at all, motherfucker. 1313 00:56:17,608 --> 00:56:19,010 That's right. 1314 00:56:28,390 --> 00:56:30,687 Jesus, he looks fat. 1315 00:56:30,789 --> 00:56:32,588 You're not on mute, Emma. 1316 00:56:32,690 --> 00:56:36,099 I know. So? Hello. 1317 00:56:36,201 --> 00:56:37,867 Hi, you. 1318 00:56:37,969 --> 00:56:39,767 How's Florida? 1319 00:56:39,869 --> 00:56:41,302 Full of assholes, but at least it's not Jersey. 1320 00:56:41,405 --> 00:56:42,834 What do you want, Dante? 1321 00:56:42,937 --> 00:56:46,036 Okay, uh, this is gonna come out of left field, 1322 00:56:46,138 --> 00:56:51,275 but, um, I was hoping I could borrow some money. 1323 00:56:51,377 --> 00:56:52,511 Fuck no. 1324 00:56:52,614 --> 00:56:54,578 It's not for me. It's for Randal. 1325 00:56:54,680 --> 00:56:57,450 Oh, then double fuck no. 1326 00:56:57,553 --> 00:56:59,189 He had a heart attack, Emma. 1327 00:56:59,291 --> 00:57:00,986 Good. I hope he dropped dead. 1328 00:57:01,586 --> 00:57:02,852 He didn't. 1329 00:57:02,954 --> 00:57:05,094 So he needs the money for, uh... 1330 00:57:05,196 --> 00:57:06,461 for the hospital bills. 1331 00:57:06,563 --> 00:57:08,096 Randal doesn't have any insurance. 1332 00:57:08,198 --> 00:57:09,696 So the fuck what? 1333 00:57:09,799 --> 00:57:11,964 Even if I wanted to help, which I don't, 1334 00:57:12,066 --> 00:57:14,871 I'm not giving Randal Graves any free money. 1335 00:57:14,973 --> 00:57:16,639 Emma, please. 1336 00:57:16,741 --> 00:57:18,641 You and I once promised that if we ever needed help, 1337 00:57:18,743 --> 00:57:20,904 we'd always be there for each other, no matter what. 1338 00:57:21,006 --> 00:57:23,674 That was before you cheated on me 1339 00:57:23,777 --> 00:57:26,279 at a fucking donkey show. 1340 00:57:26,381 --> 00:57:27,647 Goodbye, Dante! 1341 00:57:27,749 --> 00:57:30,480 No, no. Wait, wait, wait. 1342 00:57:30,582 --> 00:57:32,490 Please, Emma. 1343 00:57:33,619 --> 00:57:35,885 I'm desperate here. 1344 00:57:35,987 --> 00:57:37,894 Do you even have any collateral? 1345 00:57:37,996 --> 00:57:40,290 If I have to... 1346 00:57:40,392 --> 00:57:43,495 I can sign over my half of the QuickStop as collateral. 1347 00:57:43,597 --> 00:57:45,536 That shithole? Ugh. 1348 00:57:52,578 --> 00:57:55,145 What's all this about? We're making a movie. 1349 00:57:55,247 --> 00:57:57,844 No shit. A pornography movie? 1350 00:57:57,946 --> 00:58:00,616 How long does that take? Twenty-one nights. 1351 00:58:00,718 --> 00:58:03,013 It's gonna take my auteur friend here 21 nights 1352 00:58:03,115 --> 00:58:05,547 for him to cinematically suck his own dick. 1353 00:58:05,650 --> 00:58:06,887 In a row? 1354 00:58:08,427 --> 00:58:11,188 "In Convenience." I don't get it. 1355 00:58:12,131 --> 00:58:13,756 Scene ten, take one! 1356 00:58:15,896 --> 00:58:17,568 Cat Wrangler! 1357 00:58:31,249 --> 00:58:32,781 All right, let's go. 1358 00:58:33,919 --> 00:58:35,280 And... 1359 00:58:35,382 --> 00:58:36,983 action. 1360 00:58:39,387 --> 00:58:41,089 Holy shit. 1361 00:58:41,191 --> 00:58:42,593 We got poop. 1362 00:58:44,529 --> 00:58:46,324 And action. 1363 00:58:46,426 --> 00:58:47,427 Fuck. 1364 00:59:01,777 --> 00:59:04,440 What are you waitin' for? Dance! 1365 00:59:04,542 --> 00:59:08,083 I ain't doing this with all these fuckin' people watching. 1366 00:59:08,185 --> 00:59:09,615 Oh, my God. 1367 00:59:09,718 --> 00:59:11,015 Cut! 1368 00:59:11,117 --> 00:59:12,653 The talent's being a little bitch. 1369 00:59:12,755 --> 00:59:14,552 Can you guys wait in the video store? 1370 00:59:14,654 --> 00:59:16,424 I'll run the camera. 1371 00:59:16,526 --> 00:59:18,926 - Unbelievable. Really? 1372 00:59:26,537 --> 00:59:28,600 There, ya happy? I cleared the set. 1373 00:59:28,702 --> 00:59:31,470 So fucking dance, man. 1374 00:59:31,572 --> 00:59:33,408 You fucking dance. 1375 00:59:33,510 --> 00:59:35,373 Bitch. - And... 1376 00:59:35,475 --> 00:59:37,076 action. 1377 00:59:50,824 --> 00:59:53,024 What the fuck, JoJo Siwa? 1378 00:59:53,126 --> 00:59:55,532 Look at this fucking guy looking at us! 1379 00:59:55,634 --> 00:59:58,929 He's not even paying attention. Gee whiz. 1380 00:59:59,031 --> 01:00:01,735 You have to go inside, too, cuck. 1381 01:00:01,837 --> 01:00:04,340 Who the fuck's gonna run the camera? 1382 01:00:04,443 --> 01:00:05,976 Push the button and walk away. 1383 01:00:06,078 --> 01:00:07,937 Oh, my God. 1384 01:00:08,039 --> 01:00:10,978 All right. 1385 01:00:21,856 --> 01:00:23,322 Action. 1386 01:00:23,424 --> 01:00:24,827 I guess. 1387 01:01:03,329 --> 01:01:07,231 ♪ You know, it's been A long, long road 1388 01:01:07,333 --> 01:01:10,068 ♪ Since I packed up and left On my own... 1389 01:01:10,170 --> 01:01:11,806 All right, now, hold on to the counter. 1390 01:01:11,908 --> 01:01:13,944 I'm going to pull, okay? Here we go. 1391 01:01:14,046 --> 01:01:15,271 Ah... 1392 01:01:15,373 --> 01:01:18,144 ♪ Just trying To get back to her heart 1393 01:01:22,386 --> 01:01:24,018 Action. 1394 01:01:34,764 --> 01:01:37,863 We need some tits and ass, yeah! 1395 01:01:37,965 --> 01:01:40,234 ♪ I sure ain't got no home... 1396 01:01:40,336 --> 01:01:41,797 And cut. 1397 01:01:41,899 --> 01:01:44,005 Ha-ha. 1398 01:01:45,905 --> 01:01:48,077 Nice job, nice work. 1399 01:01:48,179 --> 01:01:49,613 Um... 1400 01:01:49,715 --> 01:01:50,775 All right, we're doing the same shot 1401 01:01:50,877 --> 01:01:52,475 just over to this door. 1402 01:01:52,577 --> 01:01:55,812 ...sound here. Let's get the sticks over there. 1403 01:01:55,914 --> 01:01:57,179 Elias, you with us? 1404 01:01:57,281 --> 01:01:58,819 Okay, we're doing the same thing. 1405 01:01:58,921 --> 01:02:00,049 We're just, kind of, coming over here. 1406 01:02:00,152 --> 01:02:01,590 We're gonna stay on the same... 1407 01:02:01,692 --> 01:02:03,090 ♪ Find your way back... ♪ 1408 01:02:05,527 --> 01:02:07,557 And... action. 1409 01:02:07,659 --> 01:02:12,231 You know, there are a million fines in the world, dude. 1410 01:02:12,333 --> 01:02:14,535 - "Millions of fines"? What the hell, man? 1411 01:02:14,637 --> 01:02:15,935 That's not the line. 1412 01:02:16,037 --> 01:02:18,539 "There's a million fine-looking women 1413 01:02:18,641 --> 01:02:20,272 "in the world, dude." 1414 01:02:20,374 --> 01:02:24,680 There are a billion behinds in this world, dude! 1415 01:02:24,782 --> 01:02:27,847 Whoo! Not "billions of behinds." 1416 01:02:27,949 --> 01:02:30,580 "A million fine-looking women." 1417 01:02:30,682 --> 01:02:34,823 You know, they're killing swines in the world, dude. 1418 01:02:34,925 --> 01:02:37,458 Jesus fucking Christ, you non-acting fuck! 1419 01:02:37,560 --> 01:02:39,489 I will do it myself. 1420 01:02:40,264 --> 01:02:42,261 Ahem! 1421 01:02:42,363 --> 01:02:44,333 You know, there's a million fine-looking women 1422 01:02:44,435 --> 01:02:46,033 in the world, dude, 1423 01:02:46,135 --> 01:02:48,197 but they don't all bring you lasagna at work. 1424 01:02:48,299 --> 01:02:50,268 Most of them just cheat on you. 1425 01:02:50,370 --> 01:02:53,206 You All About Eve -ining fuck. Well? 1426 01:02:53,308 --> 01:02:56,011 Fasten your seatbelts. It's gonna be a bumpy night. 1427 01:02:56,113 --> 01:02:58,347 - So that's it. He doesn't love you anymore. 1428 01:02:58,449 --> 01:02:59,881 He loves Caitlin. 1429 01:02:59,983 --> 01:03:02,345 And he told you all this? Pretty much. 1430 01:03:02,447 --> 01:03:04,684 All except the latent homosexuality but... 1431 01:03:04,786 --> 01:03:05,984 What the fuck, man? 1432 01:03:06,086 --> 01:03:08,453 We're making a movie here. Ew! 1433 01:03:08,555 --> 01:03:11,256 - It's nothing compared to how my cousin Walter died. 1434 01:03:11,358 --> 01:03:13,923 - How'd he die? - He broke his neck. 1435 01:03:14,025 --> 01:03:15,833 That's embarrassing? 1436 01:03:15,935 --> 01:03:17,861 He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick. 1437 01:03:17,963 --> 01:03:19,263 - Holy shit, man. 1438 01:03:19,365 --> 01:03:21,634 Is that shit true? - Are you nuts? 1439 01:03:21,736 --> 01:03:22,769 Shut the fuck up. 1440 01:03:22,872 --> 01:03:24,266 We're shooting a scene here. 1441 01:03:39,691 --> 01:03:42,891 ♪ I know it's too late now 1442 01:03:42,993 --> 01:03:47,124 ♪ But I wish I could Go back in time 1443 01:03:47,226 --> 01:03:51,130 ♪ And start all over somehow 1444 01:03:51,232 --> 01:03:54,767 ♪ And get it right From the start 1445 01:03:54,869 --> 01:03:56,973 ♪ Find your way back 1446 01:03:58,569 --> 01:04:01,340 ♪ Find your way back To her heart 1447 01:04:02,713 --> 01:04:03,975 ♪ Find your way back ♪ 1448 01:04:04,077 --> 01:04:05,911 Uh, what the hell is this? 1449 01:04:06,014 --> 01:04:07,683 The story needs a little action 1450 01:04:07,785 --> 01:04:09,115 so I added a scene where Cohee 1451 01:04:09,217 --> 01:04:11,215 comes in to rob the place at the end. 1452 01:04:11,317 --> 01:04:13,122 And in the process, you get shot. 1453 01:04:13,224 --> 01:04:15,987 No way. I'm not letting you kill me off in the third act. 1454 01:04:16,089 --> 01:04:17,527 What if there's a sequel? 1455 01:04:17,630 --> 01:04:20,094 A sequel? What am I? A hack? 1456 01:04:20,196 --> 01:04:24,326 Cohee, producer says I gotta cut your scene, man. 1457 01:04:24,428 --> 01:04:26,429 Yo, I'm still pay or play, right? 1458 01:04:26,531 --> 01:04:29,202 Publicity? Isn't it a little early for that? 1459 01:04:29,304 --> 01:04:31,038 I've been reading the paper my whole life 1460 01:04:31,140 --> 01:04:32,740 and the only time I've seen my name in it 1461 01:04:32,842 --> 01:04:34,206 was under the headline, 1462 01:04:34,308 --> 01:04:36,639 "Local grocer has massive heart attack." 1463 01:04:36,741 --> 01:04:40,312 So I thought in your official capacity as producer, 1464 01:04:40,414 --> 01:04:42,314 maybe you can get a cub reporter over here 1465 01:04:42,416 --> 01:04:45,147 to do a story about your director in action. 1466 01:04:48,320 --> 01:04:50,425 - "I assure you we're open." 1467 01:04:50,527 --> 01:04:52,094 I don't get it. 1468 01:04:52,196 --> 01:04:54,227 Some savages are always sticking gum in the locks, 1469 01:04:54,329 --> 01:04:56,633 so I wrote it into the script to be the reason 1470 01:04:56,735 --> 01:04:58,162 the shutters are closed all day. 1471 01:04:58,264 --> 01:04:59,635 That way, we can shoot at night 1472 01:04:59,737 --> 01:05:01,166 and pretend it's day out. 1473 01:05:01,268 --> 01:05:04,171 I fucking hate how fake Hollywood is. 1474 01:05:04,273 --> 01:05:07,038 - I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am. 1475 01:05:07,141 --> 01:05:08,876 I beg your pardon. Your ruse. 1476 01:05:08,978 --> 01:05:11,208 Your cunning attempt to trick me. 1477 01:05:11,310 --> 01:05:13,515 This is the last time I rent here! 1478 01:05:13,617 --> 01:05:15,515 You will be missed. 1479 01:05:15,618 --> 01:05:17,053 Screw you! 1480 01:05:19,353 --> 01:05:21,851 You're not allowed to rent here anymore! 1481 01:05:21,954 --> 01:05:23,051 - Yeah! 1482 01:05:23,153 --> 01:05:24,489 - And cut. 1483 01:05:28,800 --> 01:05:30,398 - Nice work. 1484 01:05:30,501 --> 01:05:31,768 Nice work. 1485 01:05:31,870 --> 01:05:33,770 Okay, now just give me ten minutes 1486 01:05:33,872 --> 01:05:35,667 and then I'll be ready to do mine. 1487 01:05:35,770 --> 01:05:37,040 Your what? 1488 01:05:37,607 --> 01:05:40,074 Wah, Ricky! 1489 01:05:40,177 --> 01:05:43,279 This is the last time I rent here! 1490 01:05:47,419 --> 01:05:49,212 I don't get it. 1491 01:05:49,314 --> 01:05:52,414 She wanted to do one as Lucy. 1492 01:05:52,516 --> 01:05:54,219 Empire had the better ending. 1493 01:05:54,321 --> 01:05:55,824 I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, 1494 01:05:55,926 --> 01:05:57,255 finds out Vader's his father. 1495 01:05:57,357 --> 01:05:58,925 Han gets frozen, taken away by Boba Fett. 1496 01:05:59,027 --> 01:06:00,762 It ends on such a down note. 1497 01:06:00,864 --> 01:06:03,126 Cut. What? What happened? 1498 01:06:03,228 --> 01:06:04,359 "Han gets frozen 1499 01:06:04,462 --> 01:06:06,732 "and taken away by Boba Fett." 1500 01:06:06,834 --> 01:06:08,067 I said that. 1501 01:06:08,169 --> 01:06:09,771 No, you said, "Han gets frozen, 1502 01:06:09,873 --> 01:06:11,167 "taken away by Boba Fett." 1503 01:06:11,269 --> 01:06:12,235 You left out the "and." 1504 01:06:12,337 --> 01:06:13,775 Do I come in now, Randal? 1505 01:06:13,877 --> 01:06:16,278 Not yet, Thomas. Go back out. 1506 01:06:16,380 --> 01:06:18,406 You can blame Dante for ad-libbing all over my movie 1507 01:06:18,509 --> 01:06:19,980 like he's Seth fucking Rogan. 1508 01:06:20,082 --> 01:06:21,983 Oh, my God, I left out one word. 1509 01:06:22,085 --> 01:06:23,950 Every word is sacred to the writer. 1510 01:06:24,052 --> 01:06:25,584 - This isn't writing. 1511 01:06:25,686 --> 01:06:26,982 It's a bunch of shit that happened for real in my life. 1512 01:06:27,084 --> 01:06:28,317 My life. 1513 01:06:28,419 --> 01:06:29,922 Do I come in now, Randal? 1514 01:06:30,024 --> 01:06:31,861 Not yet, Thomas. Back. 1515 01:06:31,963 --> 01:06:34,664 Oh, man, Thomas fucked up again? 1516 01:06:34,766 --> 01:06:36,427 Stop fucking shit up, Thomas. 1517 01:06:36,530 --> 01:06:39,867 Hey, fuck-o. What'd you say to my father? 1518 01:06:39,970 --> 01:06:41,166 How about I fuck your shit up, 1519 01:06:41,268 --> 01:06:42,064 you fucking fuck hole motherfucker! 1520 01:06:42,166 --> 01:06:43,799 Shooter Bob! 1521 01:06:45,008 --> 01:06:46,504 That is the Jersey-iest thing 1522 01:06:46,606 --> 01:06:49,742 I've ever heard or seen in my life. 1523 01:06:49,844 --> 01:06:51,843 And action. 1524 01:06:53,079 --> 01:06:54,511 That's your lung. 1525 01:06:54,613 --> 01:06:57,351 By this time, your lung looks like this. 1526 01:06:58,452 --> 01:07:00,382 So why don't you put the cigarettes back 1527 01:07:00,484 --> 01:07:02,220 and try some gum instead? 1528 01:07:02,322 --> 01:07:05,057 Here, Chewlies gum, try this. 1529 01:07:05,159 --> 01:07:07,091 Oh, my God, that reeks! 1530 01:07:07,193 --> 01:07:08,857 God! What is that? 1531 01:07:08,959 --> 01:07:11,259 What happened to the model of the lung I gave ya? 1532 01:07:11,361 --> 01:07:12,867 I'm a method actor. 1533 01:07:12,969 --> 01:07:14,199 I ditched the model lung 1534 01:07:14,301 --> 01:07:15,872 for this tripe I got at Foodtown. 1535 01:07:15,974 --> 01:07:18,701 Jesus. I used my power of stagecraft 1536 01:07:18,803 --> 01:07:21,777 to see that stomach as a lung. It's method! 1537 01:07:21,879 --> 01:07:23,574 - And you're Dante Hicks. 1538 01:07:23,676 --> 01:07:26,309 We went to the same school. You played hockey. 1539 01:07:26,411 --> 01:07:27,915 Yeah. How'd you know that? 1540 01:07:28,018 --> 01:07:29,378 You still going out with her? 1541 01:07:29,480 --> 01:07:30,882 No, she's getting married. 1542 01:07:30,984 --> 01:07:32,414 To you? No. 1543 01:07:32,516 --> 01:07:34,317 To an Asian design major. 1544 01:07:34,420 --> 01:07:36,192 - What is... You know what? 1545 01:07:36,294 --> 01:07:39,422 Cut, cut, cut! I can't abide by this racist shit. 1546 01:07:39,524 --> 01:07:41,790 Racist? How the hell is it racist? 1547 01:07:41,892 --> 01:07:44,066 Just look at all this fucking lack of diversity. 1548 01:07:44,168 --> 01:07:48,505 And calling some guy an Asian design major 1549 01:07:48,607 --> 01:07:50,032 just feels racist. 1550 01:07:50,134 --> 01:07:54,477 That's not racist. The guy literally majored in Asian design. 1551 01:07:54,579 --> 01:07:56,312 Are you sure? 1552 01:07:56,414 --> 01:07:59,015 Wasn't he a, uh, Asian student who was also a design major? 1553 01:07:59,117 --> 01:08:02,945 He was a passionate student of Asian design. 1554 01:08:03,047 --> 01:08:06,953 It just so happens he himself was coincidentally Asian. 1555 01:08:09,991 --> 01:08:11,287 Take it easy, man. 1556 01:08:13,431 --> 01:08:15,732 So, uh, where are we gonna shoot the donkey show scene? 1557 01:08:15,834 --> 01:08:17,700 Where it happened. Mooby's. 1558 01:08:17,802 --> 01:08:19,165 Our Mooby's? Yeah. 1559 01:08:19,267 --> 01:08:20,829 How are we supposed to get in? 1560 01:08:20,931 --> 01:08:23,666 I got the locations department working on it. 1561 01:08:23,768 --> 01:08:26,841 It's stuck in my hair. 1562 01:08:26,943 --> 01:08:29,441 Shit. Can you get it? 1563 01:08:29,543 --> 01:08:33,048 Ugh. I hate wearing the Mooby suit, man. 1564 01:08:40,159 --> 01:08:43,158 ♪ I'm just trying to see Miss Sally walk 1565 01:08:43,260 --> 01:08:46,162 ♪ In a simple baddest On the block 1566 01:08:46,264 --> 01:08:49,264 ♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally Double Dutch 1567 01:08:49,366 --> 01:08:51,293 ♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally fuck it up 1568 01:08:51,395 --> 01:08:53,065 ♪ Fuck it up 1569 01:08:53,167 --> 01:08:55,772 ♪ Eenie-meenie-miney-mo 1570 01:08:55,874 --> 01:08:58,005 ♪ Yo girl say she tryna go 1571 01:08:58,107 --> 01:08:59,237 ♪ Red light, green light 1572 01:08:59,340 --> 01:09:01,140 ♪ Now you can't find yo ho 1573 01:09:01,242 --> 01:09:02,405 ♪ Freeze tag, this froze 1574 01:09:02,508 --> 01:09:04,313 ♪ Took her to the jewelry store 1575 01:09:04,415 --> 01:09:06,612 ♪ Miss Sally walk A-walkin' down the street 1576 01:09:06,714 --> 01:09:09,785 ♪ Miss Sally walk A-walkin' down the street 1577 01:09:09,887 --> 01:09:11,480 ♪ Miss Sally walk... 1578 01:09:11,582 --> 01:09:13,683 Come on, boys. Let's go! 1579 01:09:13,785 --> 01:09:15,687 ♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally walk 1580 01:09:15,789 --> 01:09:19,229 ♪ Miss Sally walk A-walkin' down the street 1581 01:09:19,331 --> 01:09:21,091 ♪ Miss Sally walk A-walkin' down the street 1582 01:09:23,234 --> 01:09:25,828 ♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally walk 1583 01:09:25,930 --> 01:09:28,704 ♪ I just wanna see Miss Sally walk ♪ 1584 01:09:35,205 --> 01:09:36,411 No. 1585 01:09:38,446 --> 01:09:41,182 No what? No, I... I can't go inside. 1586 01:09:41,284 --> 01:09:42,783 Of course, you can. 1587 01:09:42,885 --> 01:09:44,617 Becks, I can't. 1588 01:09:44,719 --> 01:09:48,154 We had the best times of our lives in that place. 1589 01:09:48,256 --> 01:09:50,719 Until one of our lives ended. 1590 01:09:50,821 --> 01:09:52,691 It's just a building, Hicks. 1591 01:09:52,793 --> 01:09:56,332 It's just a building I haven't been inside since... 1592 01:09:58,298 --> 01:09:59,834 Since you... 1593 01:09:59,936 --> 01:10:02,066 I know. I'm sorry. 1594 01:10:04,006 --> 01:10:05,506 Just turn the page. 1595 01:10:06,405 --> 01:10:07,871 You can do this, babes. 1596 01:10:08,812 --> 01:10:10,940 No. 1597 01:10:11,749 --> 01:10:12,913 Don't go. 1598 01:10:28,560 --> 01:10:30,526 Uh, Randal. This is Lisa 1599 01:10:30,628 --> 01:10:33,529 and her daughter... Lisa. 1600 01:10:33,632 --> 01:10:35,300 Uh, Lisa goes to high school 1601 01:10:35,403 --> 01:10:37,198 at Henry Hudson Regional. Oh. 1602 01:10:37,300 --> 01:10:40,677 And this is my husband, Lando, who can go straight to hell. 1603 01:10:40,779 --> 01:10:42,111 I'm so mad at you. 1604 01:10:42,213 --> 01:10:43,872 Don't say a damn word the whole night. 1605 01:10:43,974 --> 01:10:46,511 Don't even think words! - Uh... 1606 01:10:46,613 --> 01:10:48,115 We're gonna shoot a movie in a minute 1607 01:10:48,217 --> 01:10:49,448 so I gotta chase you guys 1608 01:10:49,550 --> 01:10:50,645 out of here. - Oh, okay, my bad. 1609 01:10:50,747 --> 01:10:52,253 I guess you don't want press 1610 01:10:52,355 --> 01:10:53,349 for your little YouTube video, then. 1611 01:10:53,451 --> 01:10:54,583 Did you say press? 1612 01:10:54,685 --> 01:10:56,223 - Mr. Dante asked them 1613 01:10:56,325 --> 01:10:57,455 to come here to cover the shoot. 1614 01:10:57,557 --> 01:10:59,796 So you're saying little Lisa is... 1615 01:10:59,898 --> 01:11:02,360 Ah! High School Lisa. 1616 01:11:02,462 --> 01:11:03,759 Don't call her little Lisa 1617 01:11:03,861 --> 01:11:05,600 and you better not call me big Lisa. 1618 01:11:05,702 --> 01:11:09,303 High School Lisa writes for the high school newspaper? 1619 01:11:09,405 --> 01:11:11,300 And her parents are the chaperones. 1620 01:11:11,402 --> 01:11:12,935 Fucking great. 1621 01:11:13,037 --> 01:11:14,272 - Even though one parent just came out 1622 01:11:14,374 --> 01:11:15,939 of the strip club tonight 1623 01:11:16,041 --> 01:11:19,041 spending all my $5 bills that I got at bingo. Bitch. 1624 01:11:21,415 --> 01:11:23,918 Hey! The producer's on set. 1625 01:11:24,020 --> 01:11:27,185 So lights! Camera! 1626 01:11:27,287 --> 01:11:29,021 Action! 1627 01:11:29,123 --> 01:11:30,789 He looks drunk. 1628 01:11:30,891 --> 01:11:32,890 He looks like he needs a piece of butter and bread. 1629 01:11:36,231 --> 01:11:37,833 Ooh, it's cold in here. 1630 01:11:37,935 --> 01:11:39,900 Cough cold... Hey! 1631 01:11:40,002 --> 01:11:41,403 All right, look, 1632 01:11:41,505 --> 01:11:43,906 I realize going to Mooby's might have hit you hard 1633 01:11:44,008 --> 01:11:45,339 but you just take off? 1634 01:11:45,441 --> 01:11:47,710 We couldn't even shoot the donkey show! 1635 01:11:47,812 --> 01:11:48,771 Oh, big deal. 1636 01:11:48,873 --> 01:11:50,776 What the fuck is wrong with you, man? 1637 01:11:50,878 --> 01:11:54,443 Try thinking of somebody other than yourself for once. 1638 01:11:54,545 --> 01:11:56,249 Myself? Okay. 1639 01:11:56,351 --> 01:11:57,815 We're gonna shoot this scene 1640 01:11:57,917 --> 01:11:59,648 because the kid from the high school newspaper 1641 01:11:59,750 --> 01:12:01,523 and her mom are waiting. 1642 01:12:01,625 --> 01:12:03,787 Thanks for understanding the assignment on that one. 1643 01:12:03,889 --> 01:12:05,792 But since you showed up here shit-faced 1644 01:12:05,894 --> 01:12:08,560 and ruined tonight before we even had a chance to roll, 1645 01:12:08,662 --> 01:12:10,860 we're gonna re-shoot this tomorrow. 1646 01:12:10,963 --> 01:12:13,729 So get your selfish ass out there on that cooler 1647 01:12:13,831 --> 01:12:15,337 and let's pretend for a minute 1648 01:12:15,439 --> 01:12:17,666 you've actually been helpful on my movie, 1649 01:12:17,769 --> 01:12:19,239 which is, like, the only thing 1650 01:12:19,341 --> 01:12:21,177 I ever asked you to do for me 1651 01:12:21,279 --> 01:12:23,210 and only after I almost dropped dead 1652 01:12:23,313 --> 01:12:25,708 from a fucking heart attack. 1653 01:12:25,810 --> 01:12:28,145 You're fucking unbelievable, man. 1654 01:12:28,247 --> 01:12:29,716 Come on! 1655 01:12:38,160 --> 01:12:39,154 What... 1656 01:12:41,229 --> 01:12:43,064 In Convenience. 1657 01:12:43,166 --> 01:12:44,630 Stupid title. 1658 01:12:44,732 --> 01:12:47,534 Scene 137. Take one. 1659 01:12:47,636 --> 01:12:49,536 Are they shooting this in black and white? 1660 01:12:49,639 --> 01:12:52,237 I see a lot of white. I don't see the black. 1661 01:12:52,339 --> 01:12:54,642 - And action. 1662 01:12:54,744 --> 01:12:57,442 ♪ Da-dum, da-dum... 1663 01:12:57,544 --> 01:12:59,447 ♪ Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum 1664 01:12:59,550 --> 01:13:01,784 ♪ Da-dum, da-dum Da-dum, dadum... ♪ 1665 01:13:01,886 --> 01:13:03,646 Salsa shark! 1666 01:13:03,749 --> 01:13:05,455 We're gonna need a bigger boat. 1667 01:13:07,051 --> 01:13:10,423 Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. 1668 01:13:10,525 --> 01:13:13,122 Shark's in the salsa. Our shark. 1669 01:13:14,892 --> 01:13:16,762 Oh, what? What's with you, man? 1670 01:13:16,864 --> 01:13:18,595 You haven't said anything in, like, 20 minutes. 1671 01:13:18,698 --> 01:13:20,263 What the hell's your problem? 1672 01:13:20,366 --> 01:13:21,770 This life. 1673 01:13:21,873 --> 01:13:23,833 This life? 1674 01:13:23,935 --> 01:13:26,773 I'm stuck in this pit on my day off, 1675 01:13:26,875 --> 01:13:30,640 dealing with every backward ass fuck on the planet. 1676 01:13:30,742 --> 01:13:32,676 I smell like shoe polish, 1677 01:13:32,778 --> 01:13:35,381 and my girlfriend sucked 36 dicks. 1678 01:13:35,483 --> 01:13:36,580 Thirty-seven. - Oh! 1679 01:13:36,682 --> 01:13:38,387 Cover your ears, baby girl. 1680 01:13:38,489 --> 01:13:39,948 Why the fuck are they cursing like that? 1681 01:13:40,050 --> 01:13:42,423 You need to shit or get off the pot. 1682 01:13:42,525 --> 01:13:43,985 What the hell are you talking about? 1683 01:13:44,087 --> 01:13:45,725 I'm talking about this thing you have, 1684 01:13:45,827 --> 01:13:48,126 this inability to improve your station in life. 1685 01:13:48,229 --> 01:13:49,293 Fuck you. 1686 01:13:49,395 --> 01:13:50,997 It's true, man. 1687 01:13:51,099 --> 01:13:53,401 You sit there and blame life for dealin' ya a cruddy hand, 1688 01:13:53,503 --> 01:13:55,335 never once accepting responsibility 1689 01:13:55,438 --> 01:13:57,065 for the way your situation is. 1690 01:13:57,167 --> 01:13:59,474 You better leave me the fuck alone, man. 1691 01:13:59,576 --> 01:14:01,036 It's because you're comfortable, right? 1692 01:14:01,138 --> 01:14:02,675 This is the life of convenience for you 1693 01:14:02,778 --> 01:14:04,712 and any attempt to change it would shatter 1694 01:14:04,814 --> 01:14:07,079 the pathetic microcosm you've fashioned for yourself. 1695 01:14:07,181 --> 01:14:08,517 What? 1696 01:14:08,619 --> 01:14:09,979 Man, if you weren't such a fucking coward. 1697 01:14:10,081 --> 01:14:12,621 Oh, would you shut the fuck up? 1698 01:14:13,884 --> 01:14:16,292 That's not the line, man. 1699 01:14:16,394 --> 01:14:18,122 What are you doing? My whole life 1700 01:14:18,224 --> 01:14:20,559 you've been running your mouth a million miles an hour 1701 01:14:20,661 --> 01:14:22,457 and saying absolutely nothing! 1702 01:14:24,302 --> 01:14:25,599 I gotta listen to you talk shit 1703 01:14:25,701 --> 01:14:27,800 about everybody and everything you think 1704 01:14:27,902 --> 01:14:30,666 as if the world's waiting for you to weigh in! 1705 01:14:30,768 --> 01:14:33,206 Nobody fuckin' cares. 1706 01:14:33,308 --> 01:14:34,707 Oh, real nice, pal. 1707 01:14:34,809 --> 01:14:36,345 Get me all worked up because it's not like 1708 01:14:36,447 --> 01:14:37,743 I had a heart attack and almost... 1709 01:14:37,845 --> 01:14:41,310 Died! "I almost died from a heart attack! 1710 01:14:41,412 --> 01:14:44,079 "Did I not mention that a couple of thousand times yet?" 1711 01:14:44,181 --> 01:14:47,287 Fuck you. "Hey, everybody, look at me. 1712 01:14:47,389 --> 01:14:48,618 "I'm the boy who lived." 1713 01:14:49,920 --> 01:14:51,693 "So I gotta make a movie 1714 01:14:51,795 --> 01:14:53,690 "all about what a relentless fucking asshole I am 1715 01:14:53,792 --> 01:14:55,123 "to everybody I ever met, 1716 01:14:55,225 --> 01:14:57,795 "especially my so-called fucking friends." 1717 01:14:57,897 --> 01:14:59,598 Oh, we're not friends anymore, man. 1718 01:14:59,700 --> 01:15:01,236 You can fucking believe that shit. 1719 01:15:01,338 --> 01:15:02,534 Oh, good! Yeah. 1720 01:15:02,636 --> 01:15:04,366 Because if we're not friends, 1721 01:15:04,468 --> 01:15:07,376 I don't have to worry anymore what the cold, hard truth 1722 01:15:07,478 --> 01:15:09,238 might do to your poor, wittle heart! 1723 01:15:09,340 --> 01:15:12,181 Oh, don't worry about me, pal, I'll be just fine. 1724 01:15:12,284 --> 01:15:13,446 So since I can be completely 1725 01:15:13,548 --> 01:15:14,743 honest with you? Oh, please, 1726 01:15:14,845 --> 01:15:16,511 be completely honest. 1727 01:15:18,620 --> 01:15:21,219 You think you deserve a movie? 1728 01:15:21,321 --> 01:15:22,755 Yeah. 1729 01:15:22,857 --> 01:15:26,326 What did you ever do in life but watch it 1730 01:15:26,428 --> 01:15:27,890 and mock it? 1731 01:15:27,992 --> 01:15:30,394 What have you ever fucking done? 1732 01:15:30,496 --> 01:15:32,063 I had a life. 1733 01:15:33,834 --> 01:15:36,031 I was this close to happily ever after 1734 01:15:36,133 --> 01:15:39,906 and then, one drunk driver later... 1735 01:15:41,243 --> 01:15:42,612 my movie's over. 1736 01:15:43,310 --> 01:15:44,581 Forever. 1737 01:15:46,149 --> 01:15:47,608 No happy ending, 1738 01:15:47,711 --> 01:15:49,713 no sequel. 1739 01:15:49,815 --> 01:15:51,849 Not even a third fucking act, 1740 01:15:51,951 --> 01:15:55,222 just, "Fuck you! And, oh, by the way, 1741 01:15:55,324 --> 01:15:58,320 "fuck you!" Credits. 1742 01:16:00,264 --> 01:16:01,598 But, hey... 1743 01:16:02,599 --> 01:16:05,000 What's that compared to a heart attack? 1744 01:16:05,102 --> 01:16:07,062 I mean, shit! 1745 01:16:07,164 --> 01:16:09,806 You could have almost died, right? 1746 01:16:09,908 --> 01:16:11,272 Yeah. 1747 01:16:11,374 --> 01:16:13,137 Well, some of us did die. 1748 01:16:15,878 --> 01:16:18,912 Some of us have been dead inside ever since. 1749 01:16:19,014 --> 01:16:22,346 But then, just when I'm able to walk into this place 1750 01:16:22,448 --> 01:16:26,788 without wanting to kill myself every day, you have an idea. 1751 01:16:27,921 --> 01:16:29,890 You wanna make a movie about your life. 1752 01:16:29,992 --> 01:16:32,926 Oh, and you... you've been very clear about that. 1753 01:16:33,691 --> 01:16:35,093 It's your life! 1754 01:16:36,797 --> 01:16:39,862 Well, get this, you self-centered, 1755 01:16:39,964 --> 01:16:41,502 gaping wound of a human being 1756 01:16:41,604 --> 01:16:43,732 with your insatiable fucking ego! 1757 01:16:43,834 --> 01:16:45,601 The fuck? 1758 01:16:45,703 --> 01:16:47,039 Your life... 1759 01:16:48,277 --> 01:16:49,778 is my life! 1760 01:16:51,110 --> 01:16:54,343 I've been there with you the whole time! 1761 01:16:56,821 --> 01:17:00,085 And since you know how hard that life's been on me, 1762 01:17:00,985 --> 01:17:03,451 did it ever occur to you 1763 01:17:03,553 --> 01:17:07,191 that maybe I didn't wanna relive that fucking life? 1764 01:17:09,859 --> 01:17:11,096 So, I quit... 1765 01:17:11,862 --> 01:17:13,395 as your producer. 1766 01:17:15,337 --> 01:17:16,871 And I quit... 1767 01:17:18,309 --> 01:17:20,204 as your fucking friend. 1768 01:17:23,746 --> 01:17:26,144 'Cause I'm not even supposed to... 1769 01:17:30,752 --> 01:17:33,050 Now that's what I call acting! 1770 01:17:33,152 --> 01:17:36,017 Come on, everybody, clap it up for that. 1771 01:17:36,120 --> 01:17:38,992 Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky, get up. 1772 01:17:41,230 --> 01:17:42,292 Dante? 1773 01:17:43,429 --> 01:17:44,426 Hey. 1774 01:17:45,268 --> 01:17:48,764 Hey. Hey! Dante! 1775 01:17:48,866 --> 01:17:50,304 Wake up, man. Hey! 1776 01:17:50,406 --> 01:17:51,704 Call an ambulance! 1777 01:17:51,806 --> 01:17:54,304 Wake up, man. Dante. Dante! 1778 01:17:58,149 --> 01:17:59,943 Dante? Um... 1779 01:18:00,045 --> 01:18:01,684 Excuse me. We're... What the... 1780 01:18:01,786 --> 01:18:02,978 No, you can't be back here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1781 01:18:03,080 --> 01:18:05,487 All right, already. God. 1782 01:18:05,589 --> 01:18:06,717 They just brought our friend in. 1783 01:18:06,819 --> 01:18:08,483 His name is Dante Hicks. 1784 01:18:08,585 --> 01:18:10,186 He's the drunk guy that collapsed at the QuickStop. 1785 01:18:10,288 --> 01:18:11,792 - Uh-huh. The first responder said 1786 01:18:11,894 --> 01:18:12,988 he's having a heart attack. Okay, okay. 1787 01:18:13,091 --> 01:18:14,562 You need to wait out there, sir. 1788 01:18:14,664 --> 01:18:15,793 Someone will be by to tell you more 1789 01:18:15,895 --> 01:18:17,363 as soon as we know more. 1790 01:18:19,236 --> 01:18:20,231 Thank you. 1791 01:18:22,840 --> 01:18:25,474 This is where I first rejected Jesus. 1792 01:18:25,576 --> 01:18:28,575 Yeah, and now look what's happened. 1793 01:18:28,677 --> 01:18:30,005 So weird to be back here. 1794 01:18:30,107 --> 01:18:32,307 Yeah, tell me about it. 1795 01:18:32,410 --> 01:18:34,883 All right, look. I'm gonna get out of here. 1796 01:18:34,985 --> 01:18:37,145 Call me as soon as they say something, all right? 1797 01:18:37,247 --> 01:18:38,851 Wait, what? Where are you going? 1798 01:18:38,953 --> 01:18:41,618 I'm gonna go work on my movie, man. 1799 01:18:41,720 --> 01:18:42,821 Your movie? 1800 01:18:42,923 --> 01:18:44,520 Yeah, I mean, it's almost done. 1801 01:18:44,622 --> 01:18:46,595 It's not like I'm doing Dante any good sitting around here. 1802 01:18:46,697 --> 01:18:48,695 I might as well go work on my movie. 1803 01:18:48,797 --> 01:18:51,133 Are you kidding me? Even now? 1804 01:18:51,235 --> 01:18:53,201 "Even now" what? 1805 01:18:53,303 --> 01:18:54,603 "Oh, my movie. 1806 01:18:54,705 --> 01:18:56,735 "My movie! Everybody make my movie 1807 01:18:56,838 --> 01:18:58,399 "because it's so important." 1808 01:18:58,502 --> 01:19:00,741 This is neither the time nor the place 1809 01:19:00,843 --> 01:19:02,403 to do an impression of Chris Nolan. 1810 01:19:02,505 --> 01:19:04,610 I'm doing an impression of you, Randal. 1811 01:19:04,712 --> 01:19:06,043 We're in the hospital. 1812 01:19:06,145 --> 01:19:08,112 That's stating the obvious. No. 1813 01:19:08,214 --> 01:19:10,385 The obvious statement right now would be, 1814 01:19:10,487 --> 01:19:11,785 "Never mind the movie, 1815 01:19:11,887 --> 01:19:13,317 "my best friend's in the hospital." 1816 01:19:13,419 --> 01:19:17,393 It's just a heart attack. I had one. He'll be fine. 1817 01:19:17,495 --> 01:19:19,490 Fuck you, Randal. 1818 01:19:19,593 --> 01:19:20,823 Fuck you. 1819 01:19:20,925 --> 01:19:22,696 Come on. God, man. 1820 01:19:22,798 --> 01:19:24,798 I used to look up to you so much 1821 01:19:24,900 --> 01:19:27,095 but you're the worst, you know that? 1822 01:19:27,197 --> 01:19:28,669 The worst in the world. 1823 01:19:28,771 --> 01:19:31,836 Mr. Dante made your movie happen. 1824 01:19:31,938 --> 01:19:34,070 I made my movie happen. 1825 01:19:34,172 --> 01:19:36,641 I had the idea to make the movie. 1826 01:19:36,743 --> 01:19:37,942 I wrote the script 1827 01:19:38,044 --> 01:19:39,811 and I'm the goddamn director. 1828 01:19:39,913 --> 01:19:41,711 I made this movie happen. 1829 01:19:41,813 --> 01:19:43,311 It was all me. 1830 01:19:43,413 --> 01:19:46,353 Oh, it was all you, huh? Yeah. 1831 01:19:46,455 --> 01:19:47,582 Okay. 1832 01:19:48,858 --> 01:19:51,025 Take off your stupid mask, Randal. 1833 01:19:51,657 --> 01:19:53,258 Yeah. 1834 01:19:53,360 --> 01:19:55,590 Because I remember Mr. Dante doing everything. 1835 01:19:55,692 --> 01:19:59,535 He even called his ex-fiancee who hates his guts. 1836 01:19:59,637 --> 01:20:02,201 He put up his half of QuickStop 1837 01:20:02,303 --> 01:20:05,273 just to get you the money to make your stupid movie. 1838 01:20:05,375 --> 01:20:06,742 Wait a minute. 1839 01:20:06,844 --> 01:20:08,908 Dante got the money for my movie from Emma? 1840 01:20:09,010 --> 01:20:10,579 Code Blue. ER 7. 1841 01:20:10,681 --> 01:20:12,408 Dante, I didn't know about Emma. 1842 01:20:12,510 --> 01:20:13,946 I just found out. You again? What did I say? 1843 01:20:14,048 --> 01:20:15,142 I didn't know. What did I say, huh? 1844 01:20:15,244 --> 01:20:16,518 Security! Is he okay? 1845 01:20:16,621 --> 01:20:17,817 Get out of here, man. Get out! 1846 01:20:17,919 --> 01:20:20,489 Is he okay? Get out! Security! 1847 01:20:20,591 --> 01:20:22,518 All right. Get off of me! 1848 01:20:23,991 --> 01:20:25,728 Randal, where are you going? 1849 01:20:27,425 --> 01:20:30,900 ♪ Skip amongst The telephone lines 1850 01:20:32,837 --> 01:20:35,597 ♪ Catch a frequency To pass the time 1851 01:20:38,007 --> 01:20:41,977 ♪ Anything's better Than New Jersey 1852 01:20:43,109 --> 01:20:46,377 ♪ Living along the turnpike 1853 01:20:50,949 --> 01:20:53,221 ♪ Headed home 1854 01:20:53,323 --> 01:20:54,248 Fuck! 1855 01:20:54,350 --> 01:20:56,285 ♪ With the smell of smoke 1856 01:20:56,387 --> 01:20:59,929 ♪ We ran out of things To say 1857 01:21:01,631 --> 01:21:03,796 ♪ So let it unfold 1858 01:21:03,899 --> 01:21:06,594 ♪ We pumped the tires full 1859 01:21:06,696 --> 01:21:12,005 ♪ All our favorite songs Were shitty anyway 1860 01:21:12,107 --> 01:21:15,637 ♪ Anything's better Than New Jersey 1861 01:21:17,244 --> 01:21:21,082 ♪ Skip amongst The telephone lines 1862 01:21:22,447 --> 01:21:26,417 ♪ Anything's better Than New Jersey 1863 01:21:27,824 --> 01:21:30,960 ♪ Living along the turnpike 1864 01:21:43,467 --> 01:21:46,841 ♪ I'd give anything To go home 1865 01:21:46,943 --> 01:21:48,843 ♪ I'd give anything To go home 1866 01:21:48,945 --> 01:21:51,879 ♪ I gave up everything To leave 1867 01:21:51,981 --> 01:21:54,211 ♪ I gave up everything To leave 1868 01:21:54,313 --> 01:21:57,049 ♪ I'd give anything To go home 1869 01:21:57,151 --> 01:21:58,952 ♪ I'd give anything To go home 1870 01:21:59,054 --> 01:22:02,119 ♪ I gave up everything To leave 1871 01:22:02,221 --> 01:22:03,384 ♪ I gave up everything... ♪ 1872 01:22:03,486 --> 01:22:05,822 I think it needs more weed. Hmm. 1873 01:22:05,924 --> 01:22:07,156 God. Hey... 1874 01:22:07,258 --> 01:22:09,064 I need your help with Dante. 1875 01:22:11,996 --> 01:22:13,030 Who's Dante? 1876 01:22:13,132 --> 01:22:16,500 The fuck do you mean? Dante. 1877 01:22:16,602 --> 01:22:19,841 The other guy, the guy in the QuickStop who's not me? 1878 01:22:19,943 --> 01:22:21,503 Wait, I thought his name was Sergio. 1879 01:22:21,605 --> 01:22:24,646 Ain't his name Sergio? It's fucking Dante. 1880 01:22:24,749 --> 01:22:26,747 Are you gonna help me or not? 1881 01:22:26,849 --> 01:22:29,249 Anything for our boy Sergio. 1882 01:22:29,351 --> 01:22:32,583 I need to sneak into the hospital to get to Sergio, 1883 01:22:32,685 --> 01:22:36,922 so I want you guys to create a very subtle distraction. 1884 01:22:37,024 --> 01:22:40,661 I took a poo in the ICU! 1885 01:22:40,763 --> 01:22:42,058 I took a... Oh, shit! 1886 01:22:42,160 --> 01:22:44,132 - Hey! Hey! 1887 01:22:45,231 --> 01:22:47,903 ♪ Give up everything to leave 1888 01:22:48,005 --> 01:22:51,268 ♪ Anything's better Than New Jersey 1889 01:22:51,370 --> 01:22:53,336 ♪ I'd give anything To go home 1890 01:22:53,438 --> 01:22:56,045 ♪ Living along the turnpike ♪ 1891 01:23:03,420 --> 01:23:04,647 Dante? 1892 01:23:13,563 --> 01:23:15,526 Hey, man. 1893 01:23:15,628 --> 01:23:18,964 I figure, since you're just laying around here... 1894 01:23:19,067 --> 01:23:21,235 you little heart attack copycat. 1895 01:23:22,907 --> 01:23:25,635 You got time to watch our first movie. 1896 01:23:27,608 --> 01:23:29,177 Huh? 1897 01:23:43,058 --> 01:23:44,454 You're gonna see I was way off 1898 01:23:44,556 --> 01:23:47,427 with that stupid shit I said at the store. 1899 01:23:47,529 --> 01:23:52,431 I never... never would have made this movie without you. 1900 01:23:55,005 --> 01:23:57,238 I never could do anything without you. 1901 01:24:03,143 --> 01:24:05,581 I'm here, man. I'm here. 1902 01:24:05,683 --> 01:24:07,446 Let's watch the movie. 1903 01:24:41,214 --> 01:24:43,381 This is the way I see you. 1904 01:24:43,483 --> 01:24:46,987 You're the main character in my Star Wars. 1905 01:24:47,089 --> 01:24:49,186 You're not the Dak. 1906 01:24:49,289 --> 01:24:52,259 You've always been the Luke. 1907 01:24:52,361 --> 01:24:54,757 You're the hero of my movie, too. 1908 01:24:56,593 --> 01:24:59,096 You've always been my hero, Dante. 1909 01:24:59,198 --> 01:25:03,364 ♪ The water is wide 1910 01:25:03,466 --> 01:25:06,637 ♪ I can't get over 1911 01:25:08,041 --> 01:25:12,208 ♪ Neither have I 1912 01:25:12,310 --> 01:25:16,816 ♪ The wings to fly 1913 01:25:16,918 --> 01:25:21,084 ♪ So go and get 1914 01:25:21,186 --> 01:25:24,292 ♪ Me to a boat 1915 01:25:25,729 --> 01:25:28,758 ♪ To carry both 1916 01:25:29,832 --> 01:25:34,269 ♪ My love and I 1917 01:26:09,103 --> 01:26:10,935 ♪ There is a ship 1918 01:26:13,469 --> 01:26:16,740 ♪ Out on the sea 1919 01:26:17,980 --> 01:26:22,178 ♪ And loaded deep 1920 01:26:22,280 --> 01:26:25,419 ♪ As it can be 1921 01:26:26,956 --> 01:26:30,989 ♪ But not as deep 1922 01:26:31,091 --> 01:26:34,221 ♪ As love am I 1923 01:26:34,324 --> 01:26:35,423 Let's go. 1924 01:26:35,525 --> 01:26:36,863 ♪ Don't care if I 1925 01:26:36,965 --> 01:26:38,696 Yeah? Yeah. 1926 01:26:39,969 --> 01:26:41,998 ♪ Should live or die... 1927 01:26:44,801 --> 01:26:46,671 That was the best movie I ever saw. 1928 01:26:47,910 --> 01:26:49,003 But it's not over. 1929 01:26:50,113 --> 01:26:51,742 Don't you wanna see how it ends? 1930 01:26:52,443 --> 01:26:53,975 I trust the director. 1931 01:26:55,317 --> 01:26:57,918 He wasn't just my favorite filmmaker... 1932 01:26:58,020 --> 01:27:01,785 ♪ The wings to fly 1933 01:27:02,992 --> 01:27:04,623 He was my best friend. 1934 01:27:06,522 --> 01:27:09,323 ♪ Me to a boat 1935 01:27:10,768 --> 01:27:13,566 ♪ To carry both 1936 01:27:15,069 --> 01:27:19,136 ♪ My love and I 1937 01:27:19,238 --> 01:27:22,641 ♪ To carry both 1938 01:27:23,847 --> 01:27:28,014 ♪ My love and I 1939 01:27:34,222 --> 01:27:36,457 What's goin' on? 1940 01:27:37,288 --> 01:27:38,794 You okay? Hey. 1941 01:27:38,896 --> 01:27:40,995 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey! 1942 01:27:41,098 --> 01:27:43,291 Don't fucking leave me, man. 1943 01:27:43,393 --> 01:27:45,359 Don't leave me! 1944 01:27:45,461 --> 01:27:47,831 Oh, shit. Help! 1945 01:28:00,382 --> 01:28:02,351 And that's when the good thief said, 1946 01:28:02,453 --> 01:28:06,520 "Jesus did no wrong, whereas we are but thieves." 1947 01:28:07,850 --> 01:28:09,521 What the fuck are butt thieves? 1948 01:28:09,623 --> 01:28:11,057 I don't know if any of you know this 1949 01:28:11,159 --> 01:28:14,592 but I'm a Satanist now. 1950 01:28:14,694 --> 01:28:17,399 And while I may be the devil's concubine, 1951 01:28:18,200 --> 01:28:20,066 I still believe in heaven. 1952 01:28:20,168 --> 01:28:22,170 And because Mr. Dante 1953 01:28:22,272 --> 01:28:24,700 was the best person that I ever knew, 1954 01:28:24,802 --> 01:28:26,738 I believe he's in heaven right now, 1955 01:28:27,737 --> 01:28:29,510 just like the good thief. 1956 01:28:31,816 --> 01:28:33,041 Dante's Inferno. 1957 01:28:34,310 --> 01:28:35,516 No. 1958 01:28:36,315 --> 01:28:37,914 Dante's Paradiso! 1959 01:28:39,217 --> 01:28:40,422 Si. 1960 01:28:59,272 --> 01:29:01,003 Grazie, Elias. 1961 01:29:04,674 --> 01:29:08,778 I, uh... 1962 01:29:08,881 --> 01:29:12,317 I thought a lot about what to say here today. 1963 01:29:12,420 --> 01:29:13,816 I was gonna pull from the eulogy 1964 01:29:13,918 --> 01:29:17,392 that Kirk gave Spock in The Wrath of Khan, 1965 01:29:17,494 --> 01:29:19,390 but I've always been more of a Star Wars fan 1966 01:29:19,493 --> 01:29:21,727 so I should say something like, 1967 01:29:21,829 --> 01:29:25,896 "May the Force be with you" or "This is the Way." 1968 01:29:27,063 --> 01:29:28,731 But I think instead of quoting a movie, 1969 01:29:28,833 --> 01:29:31,702 I'd like to paraphrase the departed. 1970 01:29:31,804 --> 01:29:33,935 And by the departed, I mean Dante Hicks, 1971 01:29:34,038 --> 01:29:36,710 not the Scorsese picture that was pretty perfect 1972 01:29:36,812 --> 01:29:39,679 right up until that stupid shot of the rat at the end. 1973 01:29:42,117 --> 01:29:44,684 So in the words... 1974 01:29:44,786 --> 01:29:46,983 ...of the best guy I ever knew... 1975 01:29:50,120 --> 01:29:53,259 "You're not even supposed to be here today." 1976 01:29:53,361 --> 01:29:57,229 ♪ Nothing you would take 1977 01:29:57,331 --> 01:30:02,300 ♪ Everything you gave 1978 01:30:02,402 --> 01:30:06,141 ♪ Hold me 'til I die 1979 01:30:06,243 --> 01:30:11,007 ♪ Meet you on the other side 1980 01:30:15,145 --> 01:30:16,744 - Come on in here, you little butt thief, 1981 01:30:16,847 --> 01:30:19,847 and assume your new position. 1982 01:30:19,949 --> 01:30:21,816 But this was Mr. Dante's spot. 1983 01:30:21,918 --> 01:30:23,654 Yeah, well, after all this time 1984 01:30:23,756 --> 01:30:26,423 of being my biggest and only fanboy, 1985 01:30:26,525 --> 01:30:28,256 I'd say you earned it. 1986 01:30:28,358 --> 01:30:30,096 Besides, I told you way back when we worked at Mooby's 1987 01:30:30,198 --> 01:30:31,431 when Dante is gone, 1988 01:30:31,533 --> 01:30:33,064 you're gonna be my new best friend. 1989 01:30:34,234 --> 01:30:35,700 No, I'm not. 1990 01:30:35,803 --> 01:30:37,368 Who the fuck else am I gonna hang out with? 1991 01:30:37,470 --> 01:30:38,771 It's you and me, buddy. 1992 01:30:41,043 --> 01:30:42,838 Oh, fuck. 1993 01:30:42,940 --> 01:30:45,940 Well, look who it is, Mr. Big Shit. 1994 01:30:46,042 --> 01:30:49,282 Well, look who it is, Mrs. Big Clit. 1995 01:30:49,385 --> 01:30:51,782 Classy. How am I not surprised? 1996 01:30:51,884 --> 01:30:54,154 I was surprised to see you at the cemetery. 1997 01:30:54,256 --> 01:30:55,954 You flew up for Dante? 1998 01:30:56,056 --> 01:30:59,724 Well, I did almost marry the man, and if I had... P.S. 1999 01:30:59,826 --> 01:31:01,523 He wouldn't have died of a heart attack 2000 01:31:01,625 --> 01:31:03,057 before he was 50. 2001 01:31:03,159 --> 01:31:05,430 Yeah, because after a year with you, 2002 01:31:05,532 --> 01:31:06,829 he'd have killed himself. 2003 01:31:06,931 --> 01:31:09,871 I think I heard you had a heart attack. 2004 01:31:09,973 --> 01:31:11,100 Am I right? 2005 01:31:12,573 --> 01:31:14,638 That must really fuck with you. 2006 01:31:14,740 --> 01:31:18,710 Dante's dead but you're still here. 2007 01:31:18,812 --> 01:31:20,709 I guess it's true what they say, Randal. 2008 01:31:20,811 --> 01:31:24,284 Only the good die young. 2009 01:31:24,387 --> 01:31:25,813 To what do I owe the pleasure 2010 01:31:25,916 --> 01:31:28,749 of your entirely unwelcome visit? 2011 01:31:28,851 --> 01:31:32,660 I loaned Dante 30 grand 2012 01:31:32,762 --> 01:31:37,195 and he put his half of the store up as collateral. 2013 01:31:37,297 --> 01:31:39,030 Now he's gone. 2014 01:31:39,132 --> 01:31:43,101 And if you can't pay me back, I own half this shithole. 2015 01:31:45,938 --> 01:31:48,207 How big's my clit now, motherfucker? 2016 01:31:48,309 --> 01:31:50,876 Oh, my sweet Satan, 2017 01:31:52,077 --> 01:31:55,082 lend your might to the meek and deliver us 2018 01:31:55,184 --> 01:31:57,278 from this succubus. 2019 01:31:58,353 --> 01:32:00,386 What the... 2020 01:32:00,488 --> 01:32:02,355 The kites are flying! Ah! 2021 01:32:02,457 --> 01:32:04,454 I repeat! The kites are... 2022 01:32:04,556 --> 01:32:05,587 flying! He talks? 2023 01:32:05,689 --> 01:32:07,555 Yes. Oh, my God. 2024 01:32:07,657 --> 01:32:09,130 Oh, my God! 2025 01:32:09,232 --> 01:32:10,825 Oh, my God! What? 2026 01:32:10,927 --> 01:32:12,432 The kites are sold out. 2027 01:32:12,534 --> 01:32:14,829 The fucking kites, God, the kites. 2028 01:32:14,931 --> 01:32:16,637 The Crimson Kite NFT's, 2029 01:32:16,739 --> 01:32:18,670 the ones we minted for the Crimson Crypto Club. 2030 01:32:18,772 --> 01:32:20,240 Blockchain put them on sale last night 2031 01:32:20,342 --> 01:32:21,303 and they all sold out. 2032 01:32:21,405 --> 01:32:22,903 So? 2033 01:32:23,005 --> 01:32:24,443 The two of us just made... 2034 01:32:24,545 --> 01:32:25,774 One million! One million! 2035 01:32:25,876 --> 01:32:27,481 One million dollars! Ah! 2036 01:32:27,583 --> 01:32:30,278 Hail Satan! I'm crypto rich, bitch! 2037 01:32:30,380 --> 01:32:34,320 I just cashed out $100,000 just to flex and buy sex. 2038 01:32:34,422 --> 01:32:35,986 Here, take that. Shit. 2039 01:32:36,088 --> 01:32:37,825 What're you gonna do with your money, Big E? 2040 01:32:37,927 --> 01:32:40,627 I'll never be able to earn my place behind this counter 2041 01:32:40,729 --> 01:32:43,724 but now I can buy it. Here's your sucking 2042 01:32:43,826 --> 01:32:44,993 blood money. Oh! 2043 01:32:45,095 --> 01:32:47,629 Now, get the hell out of our store! 2044 01:32:47,731 --> 01:32:50,738 Well played, clerks. 2045 01:32:51,705 --> 01:32:52,933 - Sorry about the mess. 2046 01:32:53,035 --> 01:32:55,939 That was from Star Wars. 2047 01:32:56,041 --> 01:32:57,809 I only said it 'cause you and Mr. Dante 2048 01:32:57,911 --> 01:32:59,948 used to talk about Star Wars. I know. 2049 01:33:00,050 --> 01:33:01,375 Long time ago. 2050 01:33:02,850 --> 01:33:05,918 In a galaxy far, far away... 2051 01:33:06,886 --> 01:33:08,586 Holy fuck, that's a lot of money. 2052 01:33:08,688 --> 01:33:09,785 You wanna buy some weed? 2053 01:33:09,888 --> 01:33:11,752 Yes! I wanna buy all the weed! 2054 01:33:11,854 --> 01:33:13,086 Here's ten grand. 2055 01:33:13,188 --> 01:33:14,657 Whoo! That's gonna get you higher 2056 01:33:14,759 --> 01:33:16,924 than Godzilla's asshole. 2057 01:33:17,026 --> 01:33:19,564 Yo, where those kites at? 2058 01:33:19,667 --> 01:33:22,000 Right this way, valued customer. 2059 01:33:24,803 --> 01:33:26,708 Aye-yi-yi. 2060 01:33:40,687 --> 01:33:42,691 I wish you were here, man. 2061 01:33:44,624 --> 01:33:47,724 ♪ I'm from New Jersey 2062 01:33:47,826 --> 01:33:51,299 ♪ I don't expect too much 2063 01:33:51,402 --> 01:33:54,498 ♪ If the world ended today 2064 01:33:54,600 --> 01:33:56,771 ♪ I would adjust 2065 01:33:57,835 --> 01:34:00,902 ♪ I'm from New Jersey 2066 01:34:01,005 --> 01:34:04,278 ♪ No, I don't talk that way 2067 01:34:04,380 --> 01:34:07,875 ♪ I watched too much TV 2068 01:34:07,977 --> 01:34:10,312 ♪ When I was young 2069 01:34:12,721 --> 01:34:14,654 ♪ There are girls From New Jersey 2070 01:34:14,756 --> 01:34:19,527 ♪ Who have That great big hair 2071 01:34:19,629 --> 01:34:22,230 ♪ They're found In shopping malls 2072 01:34:22,332 --> 01:34:28,902 ♪ I will take you there 2073 01:34:37,809 --> 01:34:41,315 ♪ I'm from New Jersey 2074 01:34:41,417 --> 01:34:44,483 ♪ It's not like Texas 2075 01:34:44,585 --> 01:34:47,816 ♪ There is no mystery 2076 01:34:47,918 --> 01:34:51,292 ♪ I can't pretend 2077 01:34:51,394 --> 01:34:54,525 ♪ I'm from New Jersey 2078 01:34:54,627 --> 01:34:57,958 ♪ It's like Ohio 2079 01:34:58,060 --> 01:35:01,334 ♪ But even more so 2080 01:35:01,436 --> 01:35:03,464 ♪ Imagine that 2081 01:35:06,035 --> 01:35:08,639 ♪ I know which exit 2082 01:35:08,741 --> 01:35:12,842 ♪ And where I'm bound 2083 01:35:12,945 --> 01:35:14,976 ♪ The tolls on the parkway 2084 01:35:15,078 --> 01:35:21,350 ♪ They will slow you down 2085 01:35:31,368 --> 01:35:34,501 ♪ New Jersey people 2086 01:35:34,603 --> 01:35:37,637 ♪ They will surprise you 2087 01:35:37,739 --> 01:35:41,374 ♪ 'Cause they're not expected 2088 01:35:41,476 --> 01:35:44,412 ♪ To do too much 2089 01:35:44,514 --> 01:35:47,711 ♪ They will try harder 2090 01:35:47,813 --> 01:35:51,078 ♪ They may go further 2091 01:35:51,180 --> 01:35:53,014 ♪ 'Cause they never think 2092 01:35:53,117 --> 01:35:56,825 ♪ That they are good enough 2093 01:35:57,856 --> 01:36:01,055 ♪ I'm from New Jersey 2094 01:36:01,157 --> 01:36:04,531 ♪ I don't expect too much 2095 01:36:04,634 --> 01:36:07,730 ♪ If the world ended today 2096 01:36:07,832 --> 01:36:10,865 ♪ I would adjust 2097 01:36:10,967 --> 01:36:13,336 ♪ I would adjust 2098 01:36:14,642 --> 01:36:17,208 ♪ I would adjust ♪ 2099 01:36:50,373 --> 01:36:52,310 Hey, kids! It's me, Kevin Smith, 2100 01:36:52,412 --> 01:36:55,410 and I can't thank you enough for making this third trip 2101 01:36:55,512 --> 01:36:58,752 to the convenience store with me. Thank you. 2102 01:36:58,854 --> 01:37:01,055 Um... This time's exciting for me 2103 01:37:01,157 --> 01:37:03,350 because this time everyone finally gets to see Clerks 2104 01:37:03,452 --> 01:37:05,290 the way I've always seen Clerks. 2105 01:37:05,392 --> 01:37:07,590 Most people think that Clerks is a black and white movie 2106 01:37:07,692 --> 01:37:09,896 and they're right. It was shot on black and white film. 2107 01:37:09,998 --> 01:37:12,964 But, to me, whenever I watch Clerks, 2108 01:37:13,066 --> 01:37:14,161 even though it's in black and white, 2109 01:37:14,263 --> 01:37:15,866 the movie appears in color. 2110 01:37:15,968 --> 01:37:17,197 Because I lived that life. 2111 01:37:17,300 --> 01:37:19,238 And so now, thanks to Lee Ron, 2112 01:37:19,340 --> 01:37:23,173 you're all seein' QuickStop and the surrounding area, 2113 01:37:23,275 --> 01:37:25,208 uh, Dante, Randal, Jay and Silent Bob 2114 01:37:25,310 --> 01:37:28,648 as I've always seen them from day one. 2115 01:37:28,750 --> 01:37:31,017 Um, in vivid, living color. 2116 01:37:31,119 --> 01:37:36,350 Uh, you know, QuickStop is the unsung, uh, star 2117 01:37:36,452 --> 01:37:38,624 of all the Clerks movies, if not, 2118 01:37:38,726 --> 01:37:40,157 you know, the epicenter 2119 01:37:40,260 --> 01:37:42,496 of the View Askewniverse films in general. 2120 01:37:42,598 --> 01:37:44,259 Um, all stories emanate 2121 01:37:44,361 --> 01:37:47,601 and flow from that little building. 2122 01:37:47,703 --> 01:37:50,937 And when I worked there... 2123 01:37:51,040 --> 01:37:53,467 um, I hated it. I didn't want to be there. 2124 01:37:53,569 --> 01:37:54,971 I didn't wanna work for somebody else 2125 01:37:55,074 --> 01:37:56,510 and I didn't wanna work there. 2126 01:37:56,612 --> 01:37:58,678 And people would come in 2127 01:37:58,781 --> 01:38:00,275 and I'd be like, "Oh, my God, 2128 01:38:00,377 --> 01:38:02,142 "I have to actually wait on people? 2129 01:38:02,244 --> 01:38:04,051 "I just wanna watch TV." 2130 01:38:04,153 --> 01:38:05,753 I didn't even wanna work at the convenience store. 2131 01:38:05,855 --> 01:38:07,282 I tried to get a job at RST Video. 2132 01:38:07,384 --> 01:38:09,054 There was an ad in the paper for it. 2133 01:38:09,156 --> 01:38:10,791 I went down and talked to Mr. Topper. 2134 01:38:10,893 --> 01:38:12,354 He said... He goes, "I see you have 2135 01:38:12,456 --> 01:38:14,459 "convenience store experience as well." 2136 01:38:14,562 --> 01:38:16,294 I said, "Yeah, I worked in a bunch of convenience stores." 2137 01:38:16,396 --> 01:38:18,029 And he goes, "Would you be willing to work 2138 01:38:18,131 --> 01:38:19,968 "in this convenience store next door 2139 01:38:20,070 --> 01:38:21,628 "from time to time because we own that as well?" 2140 01:38:21,730 --> 01:38:23,431 And I was like, "Uh, yeah, if you need help." 2141 01:38:23,534 --> 01:38:25,069 And, uh, famous last words because it... 2142 01:38:25,171 --> 01:38:26,641 it was a convenience store job. 2143 01:38:26,743 --> 01:38:28,539 He catfished me. I just wound up 2144 01:38:28,641 --> 01:38:30,339 working in a convenience store with a couple of hours in... 2145 01:38:30,442 --> 01:38:33,047 in a video store, teased with paradise, 2146 01:38:33,149 --> 01:38:36,980 then seduced and abandoned to sell, uh, goods. 2147 01:38:37,083 --> 01:38:39,620 So in Clerks, Randal says, 2148 01:38:39,723 --> 01:38:41,119 "Man, this job would be great 2149 01:38:41,222 --> 01:38:42,989 "if it wasn't for the fuckin' customers." 2150 01:38:43,091 --> 01:38:45,488 Uh, but in the script for Clerks III, 2151 01:38:45,590 --> 01:38:47,289 I'm gonna read you a little something that was there 2152 01:38:47,391 --> 01:38:48,727 that I didn't use in the movie. 2153 01:38:48,829 --> 01:38:50,392 During the pullback shot 2154 01:38:50,494 --> 01:38:52,227 at the very end, you hear John Gorka's 2155 01:38:52,329 --> 01:38:53,930 beautiful I'm From New Jersey. 2156 01:38:54,032 --> 01:38:55,463 And it was so lovely, 2157 01:38:55,566 --> 01:38:58,072 I left that moment alone and didn't put in 2158 01:38:58,174 --> 01:39:00,472 what in the script called for, the voice of Smod. 2159 01:39:00,575 --> 01:39:03,944 That would be me. And this is what you would have heard. 2160 01:39:04,047 --> 01:39:06,075 "Randal Graves spent the rest of his life 2161 01:39:06,177 --> 01:39:07,815 "running QuickStop Groceries 2162 01:39:07,917 --> 01:39:09,376 "whenever he wasn't making movies, 2163 01:39:09,478 --> 01:39:11,652 "with each film financed solely 2164 01:39:11,754 --> 01:39:14,151 "by Crimson Crypto Studios. 2165 01:39:14,253 --> 01:39:15,889 "At a screening of his final film, 2166 01:39:15,991 --> 01:39:18,023 "the Asbury Park Press asked him 2167 01:39:18,125 --> 01:39:20,523 "to sum up a life spent satisfying 2168 01:39:20,625 --> 01:39:24,032 "both the public's demand for cigarettes and soda 2169 01:39:24,134 --> 01:39:26,727 "as well as their appetite for the many movies 2170 01:39:26,829 --> 01:39:30,300 "he made after his celebrated debut, Clerk. 2171 01:39:30,402 --> 01:39:33,338 "The 90-year-old Randal Graves replied, 2172 01:39:33,440 --> 01:39:35,174 "'I always thought that jobs would have been great 2173 01:39:35,276 --> 01:39:37,237 "'if it weren't for the fuckin' customers. 2174 01:39:37,339 --> 01:39:39,346 "'But as it turns out, 2175 01:39:39,448 --> 01:39:42,479 "'these jobs are great because of the fuckin' customers.'" 2176 01:39:43,752 --> 01:39:45,278 He means it and so do I. 2177 01:39:45,380 --> 01:39:47,153 Thank you to everybody 2178 01:39:47,255 --> 01:39:48,654 whoever walked through the door of that store 2179 01:39:48,756 --> 01:39:50,355 and made me think, 2180 01:39:50,457 --> 01:39:52,725 "Somebody should put this in a fuckin' movie." 2181 01:39:52,827 --> 01:39:55,492 Somebody did. Thank you. 2182 01:39:56,565 --> 01:39:58,561 - Yeah! 160834

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.