Original subtitles

Well?

Has anyone got anything to say?

Even a couple of words…

No, anyone but you.

No.

My dear colleagues,

I'm not exactly enjoying this moment.

It's not easy to find the right words.

So, let's at least

give our dear departed

a proper send-off.

I suggest we light the pyre.

Stop.

No. Stop.

You call that a memorial service?

A man's life has passed, and you can't even get a decent crowd together.

Not even a couple of warm words.

Take that away.

Listen, can we get it over with? We're all busy.

-I'm going to smash your glasses. -Orchestra, please.

What sort of bastards are you?

Did I really do so little for you?

I'll come back to haunt you from the other side.

I'll turn all your hair grey.

Are you taking selfies?

Who's going to shed a tear then? Where are you going?

Half a word at least.

It's not possible. You're scum.

You're sub-human, insects, animals.

That's hot.

Wake up, Christoforov.

Come on.

We're not running a hotel here.

I've got work to do.

And so have you.

You come to find God, and he throws you out.

GOD IS LOVE

Welcome to our historical theme park.

THE ETERNAL LIFE HISTORICAL THEME PARK

HEELER

Close your eyes. Your eyes are getting heavy,

you feel relaxed.

Hi. Please remain seated.

He's a complete charlatan, you know.

-Put that bottle back. -It's the spirit of healing.

-You don't drink anyway. -Do you want to kill yourself?

Thank you, but preferably without your help.

Get out of here.

Lady. Get up and go.

Don't mind him.

-Now, let's continue. -I can see! It's a miracle!

People of Rome. What should I do with him?

-Coffee. -Not for you.

Nicole, what are you doing here?

-It's your day off. -Life's a bag of shit, eh?

Bastard.

Do you know how much that costs?

-I quit. -I'd beat him up.

Shut up, you old fart.

People of Rome.

I proclaim these great games

in honor of the almighty Mars open.

You don't look good, man.

Is your corset too tight for you?

Is your head too big for your brains?

Is that your Zimmer frame parked outside by any chance?

It's you who dies in this scene.

I might forget we're only play-fighting.

Mark Agrippa!

ETERNAL LIFE GLADIATORS' FIGHT

Thank you.

Fight, you buffoon.

Fight, old man.

Hit the ground. What are you doing?

People of Rome.

What should I do with him?

You see? Everyone wants you dead.

Thank you.

-What's going on? You're dead. -Never.

I will never die.

I will live forever.

I am immortal.

You need peace and calm.

And here you are, running, waving your sword about.

It's just a heat stroke. Next time I'll wear a panama hat.

Next time it'll be your funeral. Please, tell him.

Alec,

I should fire you.

-I came up with this show. -That's true,

but you sold it to me.

You have to understand that

you're no longer fit to do this sort of work.

You don't look good, you faint.

It wouldn't be fair to sack you.

I don't feel good about it either.

I'm going to move you somewhere else.

-Where? -To Nazareth. You will be Jesus.

How? Airapetyan is Jesus.

He's gone over to the competition, the bastard.

I'm Mark Agrippa. Marching into the arms of death.

Well, you're marching too fast.

A stable will be much healthier. It's not as dusty as the arena.

And please stop drinking on the job.

You bastard. I won't forgive you for this.

It's your job to forgive everybody now.

Have some cucumber water, I'll pay.

-So, what happened? -What happened?

He demoted me to being Christ.

No, he raised you up.

Maybe it's all for the best.

What kind of God's son am I? I don't even believe in God.

It's God who doesn't believe in you. You are just paying him back.

Speaking of sons, how did Misha's birthday go yesterday?

Yesterday?

-Make way. -In the name of the king.

Make way!

One, two, three…

So you finally made it.

-You don't look so good. -I know. Please call Misha down.

He doesn't want to see you.

Ira, you are his mother. How do you know what he wants?

-Misha. -Kolya. Could you speak to this person?

Alexander,

No, I didn't come yesterday.

Misha is upset, do you understand?

What's more, I don't approve of presents like this.

Go home.

You don't look well.

Please stop fucking with my brains. Is fucking my wife not enough for you?

Leaving already? Call Misha while you're at it.

Dream on.

-You were saying? -Misha isn't going to talk to you.

That is not up to you, you gobshite.

Go home and sleep it off, you buffoon.

Buffoon…

Look out, Kolya.

Did you have too much to drink yesterday?

How could you…

Buffoon.

What's up, old man?

Off the wagon now you've got your pension?

I lost my keys somewhere. They're somewhere here…

Hot?

No, all right.

You don't look so good.

-Is that the phrase of the day? -Get up.

Let me have a look…

at you.

-That's very serious. -How serious?

A woman would have noticed immediately.

I'm off. See you tomorrow on the morning run.

Do you know how much longer you have to live?

Half a year.

How do you know? Who told you all this?

There's a jewelry box in that cupboard. Open it.

-What is it? -Your salvation.

An elixir of life, is it?

-I'd prefer a bottle of whiskey. -Do you want to live?

What are you so wound up about? Will it work?

When you are ready for it.

I only have one favor to ask of you. Look after my little starling.

He can't fly.

His wing is broken.

I feel sorry for him.

Listen, when do you think

I will be ready?

You will feel it.

-Are you sure you're okay? -Enough, leave me alone.

You look after yourself, old man.

For the king.

I'll kick your arse for the king.

I DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY.

Wonder if there's any alcohol in it…

Hey. Aren't you cold up there?

What are you doing here?

Can't you see I'm chopping firewood?

-And you? -I come here every Thursday.

Now you're going to tell me that life goes on,

and tomorrow will be a brand new day.

-Everything will be all right. -Yeah.

Life is shit and the prospects are grim.

So you can jump with a clear conscience.

It's just I have a favor to ask.

Take a sip of this before jumping.

-What is it? -What difference does it make?

In five minutes, you're going to be scrambled eggs.

Take a sip and I'll be off. I promise.

I don't care what you do with your life.

Okay.

Why did you have to drink all of it? I told you just to take a sip.

Are you alive? How are you feeling?

Excellent.

Wait.

You've got only bruises.

-You may leave now. -Thank you.

We'll go in a minute.

Funny girl.

How did she survive?

I don't know.

Maybe it was some sort of panacea.

What?

Something unknown to science.

The elixir of life.

The elixir of life? Do you take me for an idiot?

No. But you're stupid enough to waste whatever was in that bottle.

Alec, try not to get too upset.

I'll read up on some literature and do some research on this.

What's there to research?

The healer is a pathetic charlatan.

Do you want to find out or not?

Come see me at 7 p.m. tomorrow. Now, go home.

You don't look so good.

Is he dead?

Karma is a heartless bitch.

Agrippa! Agrippa!

EVGENY BOYKO STARS AS MARK AGRIPPA

Ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to invite you for a tour into the wellsprings of Christianity.

Mankind's greatest legend.

The secret of the birth of the Savior…

What's so great about that Colosseum? Bread and circuses.

Some sad men hitting each other over the head

with big lumps of metal?

Isn't there enough bloodbath in your lives?

Learn the secret of Jesus Christ, the Savior, the son of God…

Hello. I'm here for you.

At last. Someone with some spiritual identity.

Unlike some people.

What can I do for you? Have you come to save your soul?

No, I've got a subpoena for you.

Charges brought by Mr. Shvedov.

Shush, no need to shout about it.

But I can't make it at 5:00 p.m.--

Where have you gone?

STAY FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS. YOUR BREAKFAST IS ON THE TABLE.

-To the king. -To the king.

Bog off, will you?

Alec, you're not making any money.

You're not attracting enough people.

I told you this isn't my part.

You said that when they gave you the part of Evgeny Onegin in the theater.

I don't want to be a bore, but you need to sell yourself harder.

Explain to them that faith is one of humankind's great blessings.

Can they not work that out for themselves?

It would still be better if you explain.

If they haven't worked it out in the last thousand years, what can I do?

Maybe I should just sack you.

The healer's popped his clogs, and now Christ is losing me money…

Our only hope is the Colosseum.

Are you not worried that the Colosseum might suffer without me?

No.

Violence always sells.

What's that in your glass?

Wine?

Wine.

There was water there originally.

Sorry. I haven't quite got the hang of my miracles yet.

Go around the souvenir stalls, Alec.

Even Death is a joke around here.

Does anyone want their sins absolved?

How about a selfie with the Savior?

-I absolve you of your sins. -What sins?

Well, we could start with gluttony, and then take it from there.

-Get out of here. -I forgive you…

Girls.

-How long are you going to stay here? -A week, what's it to you?

I absolve you of your sins for the week in advance.

No, thanks.

I forgive you anyway.

Does anyone want their sins absolved?

Who wants a selfie with the Savior?

No one wants to try and save their souls?

-Here, have my change. -I forgive you, you wanker.

-What did you say, old man? -I'm not old.

I'm just experienced. How are your knackers?

Are you looking for trouble, you cretin?

Wanker!

Police!

What are you in for?

They're arresting everyone these days.

Sorry. It's just my way of dealing with the job.

So. Alexander Christoforov. At 4.30 p.m.

you started using offensive and abusive language

at the souvenir market,

overturned stalls and tried to hit Mr. Boiko.

You're a bit of a smart Alec, aren't you?

-I told you he was dangerous. -Dangerous?

You broke Nikolai's nose.

Maybe it's just his calcium deficiency?

Had you been drinking?

-Yes. -What had you been drinking?

-Whiskey. -Whiskey. What sort?

An Irish whiskey. What's the difference? I was sober when I arrived.

-Hold on. A 12-year-old whiskey? -Fifteen.

Fifteen. Excellent. Single malt?

-Of course. -Of course.

The Irish know their onions when it comes to their whiskey.

-They invented whiskey. -I like Irish whiskey.

I can't stand the American stuff. It just won't slip down.

It's always giving me flux, heartburn… Really rough on the throat.

What exactly are we doing here?

Yes. You have to understand,

assault is a bit more serious than having one too many,

there could be a prison sentence.

We're not complete monsters here. Well, at least we try not to be.

So if you can make it up, I'll close the case.

What do you say?

Okay. I forgive you and your cretin husband as well.

Shut up, you clown.

I agree on one condition.

That you undergo a two-month anger management course

with a psychotherapist.

Fine. We've found an excuse for a drink.

-Why, Ira? -You're an alcoholic and sociopath.

I could run for government office.

I'm afraid to let you near our son.

So now I'll have a bunch of shrinks telling me what a shitbag I am.

I'm sure you'll have plenty to say for yourself.

-And what if I refuse? -Then you'll go to prison.

The choice is yours.

The glass is either half full, or half empty.

-See you. -Not if I can help it.

Stop!

Who's this?

I told them I wanted Lucifer.

I've come to see Misha.

The one over there with an axe in his head.

Misha!

Can we get a move on, we've only got Lucifer until 9:00 p.m.

We need to work.

-Why do you have to embarrass me? -How am I embarrassing you?

Have you looked at yourself recently? What are you doing here?

Are we going to shoot this or what?

-I'm on my way. -Wait a minute.

-Did you hear about the psychologist? -Yes. So what?

Why do I need to go to a shrink? Get Nikolai to drop the charges.

Actually, the psychotherapy was my idea.

Yours? Interesting, very creative of you.

I thought so too. We'll get to see each other more often.

You don't turn up for years.

And now you come here looking like a hippie.

Why didn't you come before?

Wait a minute.

Come see me at my work. We can spend some time together.

I could listen to your music. I'm really interested in it.

We'll see.

Your little chat with that tramp just cost us 20,000.

That wasn't a tramp, that was my father. Okay?

Do you think you can talk to me like that? Come over here.

Turn me round to face him.

If you don't like it, you can take a hike.

Nobody is indispensable. Now turn me back again.

So, that's agreed then? See you tomorrow.

Hey! What's going on?

Someone! Stop me swinging.

-Hello. -You're late, mate.

It was on this very spot in the fourth century

that the first synagogue was built in these parts.

Thank you, my son.

-Your sins are forgiven. -Thank you, Lord.

It's Lammerwein.

What?

What that girl drank is pure Lammerwein.

It translates as the elixir of life.

How can you believe this nonsense?

If you were me, you'd believe in Santa.

Do you remember Kolya "the Spanner" from Tolstoy Street?

Who stank like a railway station?

The one who used to eat glass, or the son of a judge?

It's the same person.

Six years ago, he came here with a screwdriver in his head.

We didn't remove it, it would have been dangerous.

It's still stuck there to this day. He gave up drinking as a result.

Now he's a real estate agent.

How did he survive? Isn't it a miracle?

-What's the girl got to do with it? -How did she survive?

That tower is over 10 meters high.

-At least 14. -Well, there you are then.

Look, it says here…

that a person who has taken Lammerwein may be able to heal others.

Alec,

I think this might be your chance.

Maybe your last one.

-Let's take a blood sample from her. -What's the point?

We'll transfuse it into you. It's Lammerwein.

-What are you doing? Are you nuts. -Listen.

We need your help.

You have become immortal.

And you have the power to heal others.

-Are you drunk? -No.

My friend is very ill. And you are his last hope.

-Get lost. -You have no feelings.

Shut up.

This man is your guardian angel.

So do the decent thing and save his shitty life in return.

-What do you want from me? -Nothing much. A trifle.

A small sample of your blood.

-Go to hell. -Just a tiny little pinprick.

You'll have to pay me.

How about 1,000 rubles?

-5,000. -Have you no conscience?

He is dying and you want to haggle.

-2,500. -3,000. I'll add another 500 later.

Good, it's a deal then.

-Can I get some clothes on? -Yes.

Turn around then.

-I'm a doctor. -Good for you.

Now, turn around.

Idiots.

I thought the old man was a fraud.

-You thought I was one too. -No.

I still think you are a fraud.

Thank you.

Help!

Don't be mad. If you were me, you would have done the same.

Go to hell.

It's a good person whose life we're saving.

Go to hell!

All right, he's not exactly Gandhi. But he's no Hitler either.

Somewhere in between the two. A sort of Darth Vader.

Now take a breath.

Three, two, one.

Come on, get on with it.

What have you done? Killed her?

-I told you no good would come of this. -Don't worry. She's just fainted.

When she comes to, give her something sweet.

And plenty of tea.

-Then come and see me tomorrow. -Do you think it'll be worth it?

At your age, a walk will do you good.

Eat.

Fragrant cucumbers from Azerbaijan. Very tasty.

They're good.

Surely you don't have to drudge away All your life?

And then you don't even leave behind A pot, or a buzzer or a horseshoe

Maybe a word, or half a word Something like a dry leaf

The shadow of a swift Flitting under the eaves

And perhaps half a sip Of life-giving elixir

The stuff of the soul

Do you really think I can heal you?

Suppose you can?

You're one of those suckers who believes in miracles?

-Go to hell. -I'm already in hell because of you.

Why did you climb up onto that tower?

None of your business.

-And the hairdryer in the bath? -Also none of your business.

Did you not think of your parents?

-About my parents? -Yes.

What are you getting at?

If I were to die, what would you say about me?

I wouldn't say anything.

So, still none of you want to say anything?

I'm not going to stop anyone.

Look, just say something, whether you want to or not.

He was always overacting.

Yes.

Not the best obituary I've ever heard.

All right then, let's get on with it.

We're going to miss you, you old git.

A. I. CHRISTOFOROV

Wait a second. Where are you all going?

Not everyone's arrived yet.

What sort of people are you?

It doesn't take long, does it? Just take a seat and say something.

All right. Maybe, say nothing.

Ira, what did you mean by "overacting"? Are you a theater director?

Ignatyich.

Lena, you are very beautiful, but could you come up with at least

a couple of words, eh?

-I'd prefer to be cremated. -I can't transfuse her blood into yours.

You can place my ashes in an hourglass or perhaps a set of maracas.

That way my grandchildren could say, "That's granddad rattling in there."

She's a different blood group. You'd be a goner even sooner.

I will have served some small purpose. No flowers or tears…

Just a small remembrance, every time the hourglass is turned.

It's good to have modest ambitions.

We haven't discovered everything about this Lammerwein.

-You can say that at my memorial service. -Sod off.

Read about Lammerwein for yourself.

Uncle Jesus.

Are you feeling okay?

I'm not Jesus, little girl.

What are you talking about? We've even bought tickets to see you.

-It's my tea break. -It's over.

So, get up and provide the service we've paid for.

Take a good look at me, lady.

Do I look like the Savior?

I'll call the management.

-What do you want, my child? -Let's make a deal.

When I go home, I will eat less sweets

and you'll cure my allergic reaction to them.

If you eat lots of sweets, by the time you're 20

you'll have a bottom like a hippopotamus.

And then you'll ask me to find you a fiancé.

-What? -I forgive you, my child, now go away.

He said that my bottom will grow to be the size of a hippopotamus.

What?

You philistine.

You're mistaken there, lady.

The Philistines are the Old Testament.

You're drunk.

I'll have you sacked. Come with me, my girl.

No, you'll end up with an arse like your mother's at the age of 15.

Don't eat sweets, little girl.

Don't listen to him. We're off.

Where's the manager's office?

Doesn't anyone know where the manager's office is?

It's useless asking you.

Come on, my girl, don't dawdle.

A catastrophe. He's been extremely rude to this woman.

Sorry, I'm looking for Christoforov.

He's in the administration marquee.

Well, what happened next?

Do you have any idea who I am?

My father-in-law is a prosecutor. Do you know what that means?

It's a terrible misunderstanding. I'm furious myself.

Not only was he horrible to my child, but also very rude about my bottom.

I was talking about a hippopotamus. But if you must make comparisons…

Just shut up. And apologize immediately.

-On my knees? -I don't care.

The main thing is that this lady is happy with it.

Madam…

Forgiveness is one of man's cardinal virtues.

Sorry I made a comment about your bottom.

Though there is quite a lot to say about it.

-He's making fun of me. -Wait, now about the hippopotamus.

You fire him today, do I make myself clear?

-Don't touch anything here. -Goodbye, uncle Jesus.

Are you stalking me? Musya, don't stand there, follow Mom!

Alexander…

I've tried all I can, but you don't even want to help yourself.

I'm sorry but I wash my hands of you. You're fired.

It's all right, your sins are forgiven.

Misha. Misha.

Misha, wait a minute.

Stop. Where are you off to?

-Fabulous performance, Dad. -It's nothing.

-Come to my place. We can talk. -Just leave me alone.

Why don't you talk to your dad?

-And who are you? -Your half-sister.

Don't listen to her, let's go.

Give him ten minutes. Show him a little respect.

Who asked for your opinion?

Who are you, some snot-nosed kid?

Why don't you take a hike?

Why are you all interfering in my life?

-I'm going to the therapy. -Take your girlfriend.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Like father like son indeed.

I'm sorry, but this isn't your seat.

-So what? -What?

Hi. What are you here for?

-Did you burn down your hairdresser? -Pardon?

Sorry, no offense. It's been a bad day.

How do you like our brain healer? Is he as disturbed as other shrinks?

Why would you say this?

-Our therapist is perfectly normal. -It's all just social camouflage.

I see you're a real expert. Well, what can I do?

-Hello, everyone. -Hello, Margo.

Thank you all for coming.

For the sake of our newcomers, I'd like to remind you,

that we are all friends here, and everyone is equal.

So, who's going to start? Kirill?

Yes.

My name is Kirill.

Hello, Kirill.

My problem is…

a neighbor with a drill.

It all started a month ago. I worked nights.

And he did his drilling during the day.

I asked politely, but the scumbag

continued his drilling out of spite.

-Did you try pushing him down the stairs? -Quiet, please.

Please continue, Kirill.

So I got my power drill, and began to drill

to get my own back.

All day long.

And when my wife came home, the wall was covered with holes

spelling out a very rude word.

We don't need the details, Kirill.

What conclusions can we draw from this story?

What' s your name?

Alexander.

-Hello, Alexander. -Enough of the greetings.

Enough of telling us what to do. We're listening to you, Alexander.

No offence, Kirill, but you're a sissy.

Stop there, Alexander.

Aggression only breeds aggression.

And no moral judgements, please.

But you let others wipe their feet all over you.

So that's how things are, aren't they?

Great. What brought you here? We're all ears, Alexander.

I think I'll pass.

Hey, you, neurotic, don't you want to spill your guts?

I insist.

Are you sure?

Okay.

To each, their own

Their woman, their religion, their road

To serve a devil or a prophet To each, their own

Right, can we stop this nonsense?

To each, their own A word for love

And a word for prayer A rapier for a duel

A sword for the battle To each, their own

To each, their own

I choose as best I can

I hold no grudges

To each, their own

I'm sorry, Alexander, but you're going to have to leave us.

I understand. It wasn't my best performance.

But you do like me, Margo?

Goodbye, then, dear colleagues.

Bye, Alexander.

Neurotic.

Right…

Let's take a quick break.

-Why are you jumping the queue? -I'm in pain.

Come on, get it over with.

-So full of the joys of spring? -I've met a woman.

Alec,

women are the source of all evil.

My mother, who is also a woman, used to say,

"Never trust anyone in a skirt. Not even a Scot."

I read the book. Listen.

"According to Celtic tradition, any person in possession of Lammerwein

can undergo a healing ritual."

You said that it's all utter nonsense.

"The sick person is placed in a circle on the floor."

That's exactly what the healer used to do, a circle.

His hand. The book. The girl.

Can't you just leave me in peace?

We just need one last small favor and we'll leave you alone.

-So, you need to sacrifice me? -Are you completely mad?

We are modern, enlightened people. Just a little shamanic ritual.

No. Are you complete savages?

Now turn around.

No, Alec, this is a non-starter. I'm sorry.

Can't you at least meet us half-way?

There's money in it for you. Say something.

As soon as money is involved, it's straight to Solomon.

Do you want us to kneel down?

Kneel, Solomon.

Kneel.

Say something.

Nicole, greater love hath no man than to save another man's life.

St. Seraphim wrote, "If you

save a thousand people around you, you will find salvation yourself."

-It was the other way around. -All the more reason to help me.

Nicole, have a heart.

Okay, you won't get off me anyways. What do I have to do?

Alcoholism and corruption is our

historical inheritance. They are buried deep in society's DNA.

You can't just cut them out. You get it?

Nah.

Did you really major in Philology?

Your unwarranted disbelief is outrageous.

Alec, this is going to take forever.

I can feel myself aging.

Give it to me.

Please.

Welcome.

-Shall I come in as well? -No. You keep watch.

Sit down over here.

The book was around here somewhere.

Here's a book.

Alec, what do I have to do?

You have to put your hand on the swelling…

Okay, so where is this swelling?

You perverts.

Wait. It's only medicine.

I can show you his medical chart.

Come on, get it over with.

Guys, someone's coming.

How can you read Berdyaev?

Have you seen his spelling mistakes?

How can you trust him?

-Hi, guys. -What were you doing here?

I went in to get some booze.

Hands up.

-Are you going to frisk me? -You no longer work here.

What's this?

Well, you see, the thing is…

Look. A condor.

Stop!

Stop!

-What shall we do? -Nothing.

He'll manage.

Good evening.

Ignatyich, let me have the book.

Why?

The healer is dead, but the book might help me.

Alec, I found this healer…

in a second-rate children's theater.

He was playing the role of Papa Carlo in Pinocchio.

Christ also made stools before he discovered his powers.

This is an ancient fortress.

Alchemists might have hidden something.

What if the old man found it?

-Found what? -This book, for example.

This is a stage prop.

I ordered it from the prop department.

So what's written there?

Did you not get it?

It's The Divine Comedy

in the original language. Italian.

The Divine Comedy?

Okay, off you go, Christoforov.

Yes, before I forget…

Could you hand in your costume and vacate your trailer? Okay?

I need to put the new Jesus somewhere.

Ignatyich,

what will you say at my funeral?

Just go home.

Lammerwein. What were you thinking?

Don't you believe in anything?

I believe in common sense and I suggest you try that too.

Who are you to lecture me?

How many hopeless cases have you seen?

They beg you, look you in the eye,

they grab your hand. "Doctor, please help me."

How can you help them?

If you're so smart, tell me.

Give them some vitamins, tell them it's the latest treatment,

to give them an extra week to live.

And they believe you.

But he isn't just any patient.

He's my childhood friend.

He might not be with us tomorrow. Vitamin pills?

Alec's got a whole drawer full of them.

You can't handle alcohol. I'm not an idiot.

You drank that muck, fainted,

your body relaxed and that's how you survived.

Congratulations. Are you going to tell him?

No, Alec must know nothing.

A man needs to believe in something.

Who are you feeling sorry for? Him or yourself?

Alec, what's wrong?

Are you off your face on something?

On your sedative tablets.

Combined with alcohol, they can turn a man to jelly.

Alec!

-What have you done? -I… wash… to… day.

What? He wants to die.

I got that. Get me some water with a lot of salt in it.

You are not going to die today.

You are destined to die in a stupid accident.

Flattened by the only grand piano in town.

-He says, "Take a hike." -Where's that bloody water?

Was that your plan?

You're a doctor, for crying out loud.

Is Lammerwein the best you could come up with?

I'm going to try something.

Stay with him until morning.

I'm not even going to ask anyone.

Come on, let's get on with it.

I bet he won't even sink.

Alexander…

Alexander. I have a letter for you. To be delivered by hand.

Read it.

Dear Mr. Christoforov,

after having done a detailed analysis of your samples and scans,

I have concluded that your illness is in remission.

A final conclusion will be made at the clinic

where your medical records will be sent.

Yours sincerely, G.V. Sviridov.

Alexander.

I have a letter for you.

To be delivered by hand.

Dear Mr. Christoforov,

after having done a detailed analysis of your samples and scans,

I have concluded that your illness is in remission.

Business not going so well?

What do you care?

I don't.

Would you mind if I borrowed a hat for a while?

I'll give it back.

Come on then, Kurt Cobain. Break the strings,

burn the backing group, shave your eyebrows.

Shake a leg.

Well.

Good job.

Folks, please support a young musician.

He'd have been on TV ages ago

if he'd agreed to dress up as a gender-bender.

It doesn't have to be much, please help a young musician.

Why not help out a young musician?

Give him some cigarettes. Thank you.

Hi girls, nice shirts.

I didn't even have to ask you.

Thank you.

Roll up, roll up.

Hi.

Help a struggling young musician!

Draw your anger.

Let it out.

Put all the energy of your words into your actions.

Loutish,

anti-social,

unpardonable.

Margarita,

I'd like to apologize for yesterday.

No need.

I behaved like a complete pig.

And indeed, I am a pig.

But I respect what you're doing.

And if you need help…

And I can see that you need it…

I'm here. Of course, I'm not much of a helper

but you can trust me completely.

We hardly know each other,

but I can keep a secret. Trust me.

We both sense that we have a lot in common.

I won't let you down.

I would sooner die than compromise a lady.

You need the help of a man like me… I can see that.

-Close the door, will you? -Your job isn't easy.

You take other people's stress onto yourself.

All this needs to be released somehow.

You just need the support of an understanding, mature man.

-Did you hurt yourself? -I'm sorry.

I don't know what's going on.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

But you said that you wanted to help.

Anger is a monstrous personal feeling of irritation

that manifests itself on a physical, mental and social level.

Anger is a surge of adrenaline,

which in turn activates the muscles and affects the ANS.

-What does it affect? -The autonomic nervous system.

What's the matter with you,

can't you take it?

So what do you do for a living?

I was Jesus. But that's all in the past now.

Too bad.

I think you'd make a good Jesus.

You can put up with a lot.

Your father says hello by the way.

What's your relationship with him?

Well, we're kind of colleagues.

I see.

It's not what you think. We're just fuck buddies.

Sorry, it's just my sense of humor. You'll get used to it eventually.

Very funny.

So, is he always like this?

-Like what? -Like an old git.

No.

Well, sometimes. He is going through something now.

What exactly?

Come to the bar tonight. On the pier.

You can speak to your father. There is karaoke. You can sing.

Here.

Buy yourself a new pick.

-Thanks for your help. -You're welcome.

Wait.

Is my dad going to sing?

She has nothing left

Just three rubles in her pocket

But my granny smokes pipe

But my granny smokes pipe

The drinks are on me.

Hold your horses, I'm not that rich.

Okay, this half, the drinks are on me. You lot can pay for yourselves.

Thank you.

Well done, Alec.

Go on, Nicole, give us a song.

-I'm not in the mood. -Go on.

-Nicole, sing. We'll back you up. -Go on.

Nicole. Nicole.

May I?

Somewhere, nowhere

Or even nearer

Maybe in Paris

Or even here

All alone

A simple heart

Lies

Who will find it?

Somewhere, nowhere

Maybe more remote

On some wet asphalt

Or at the very bottom

So hindered, restricted

A burning heart blazes

Who will save it?

Somewhere, nowhere

Maybe right by you

In a pretty dress

Or your neighbor's dream

So silent

A dead heart does not speak

Nothing matters to it

Or maybe he was merely fated To live amid the common tide

And as his years of youth abated The flame within him would have died

And in the country, he'd have worn A quilted gown and cuckold's horn

And happy, he'd have learned life truly At forty he'd have had the gout

Having eaten, drunk, grown bored And stout, and so decayed

-Until he duly… -…died

Alec, where are we going?

In his bed, his children round While women wept and doctors frowned

I need your help tomorrow.

What needs to be done?

It's all in the execution.

-Who left this boat here… -Idiot.

I pity everyone and everything

And I pity the shawl nervously chewed When all alone…

What?

-What would you like to hear now? -About the little lamb.

About the little lamb.

"A little lamb ran up the bank

He sniffed the flowers 'Cause he smelled quite rank"

-Stop it immediately. -What else would you like to hear about?

About love.

Wait. Look at them.

The circle of love was suddenly broken

On a day half-high, half-cut

The hands of the rowan turned berry-red

Oh, cursed rowan, do not wave

Lena. Get back to the tent.

"The circle of my soul is broken."

You son of a bitch.

Don't be shy. Who's next?

THE FAMILY FORTRESS

-What's up with them? -It's Krump. It's a dance.

We use it to release aggression.

Go!

It's taken me a long time to get to this.

And finally, it happened.

Allow me to introduce my family.

Olya.

Olya.

Don't just stand there.

-Hello. -Hello, Olya.

You know Kirill's story.

But you have helped him here.

He no longer gets angry with our neighbor.

He doesn't get angry at all.

We spend more time together.

Liza is also very happy.

Thank you for our happy family. We'd have been lost without you.

Off you go.

-Goodbye. -Bye, Olya.

Kirill, I'm very glad that the therapy has had such a beneficial influence.

-You don't need our help now. -Thank you very much.

-Congratulations. -Thank you.

Thank you. All the best.

-Don't ever be angry again. -Never.

I beat the crap out of him with a metal shower hose.

My friends, it's wonderful. I love the entire world now.

I didn't know you could do that.

Congratulations. Your family will be so happy now.

Rid yourself of that aggression. And exhale out hard.

That's good.

Hard.

I could have brought my wife and son, and be done with all this?

-Do you have a wife and son? -Yes.

Really? Then why don't you bring them in?

-I will. Why not tomorrow? -Tomorrow, great.

If I've understood you correctly, you just needed your report?

And you just need me as your whipping boy?

A boy? You have an inflated opinion of yourself.

-I only kept you out of pity. -Out of pity for yourself?

No.

It's not you who wants to leave.

It's me who wants to be rid of you.

-Well, what's stopping you? -Nothing. Go on, bring your wife

and your son, bring all your friends too.

Don't forget your colleagues.

The whole lot of them.

Then why don't you come to my workplace?

To your Jesus experience? Why not.

The people speaking for you will have to be convincing

so you can get the report you want so much. Is that clear?

"Responsive,

sensitive, calm…"

Do I have to do this? Maybe I could just say it in my own words?

No, it's important. Write this down.

"After the psychotherapy, he became kind,

attentive, he even gave me his scooter for my birthday."

What's the point of saying that?

You just have to.

Would you have said that about your father?

Yes, I would.

-If I could… -You see?

Now write it down so you don't forget.

My friends, does anyone want to try saving their soul while we're waiting?

-Neurotic? -Thank you, Alexander.

You've already made it very clear to us

that you have a talent for dramatic gestures.

-And what about your family? -My son is my only family.

Misha is one of a kind.

He was even late for his own birth. He had to be induced in the end.

-Were you present at the birth? -And then some.

I even assisted the midwife.

My husband is also keen to be there. But I'm trying to dissuade him.

Husbands often end up fainting.

What use are they to anybody out cold on the floor?

Thank you.

You've become a bit of a frequent visitor. Maybe we should have a little talk?

-I haven't got the time. -Chicken.

Chicken.

Hey, miss.

Can I have your phone number?

You leave Nicole alone. Okay?

Or what?

You'll go crying to your old man?

Are you fucking her at the same time? Or in turns?

Are you on duty Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

And the other days it's him? Can I help you out with Sundays?

Idiot.

We've all had a lovely time.

But the session should have ended a while ago.

Wait. He's definitely going to come. Does anyone fancy the chamber of fear?

Yes, we've been dreaming of it.

I'd be happy to, but I can't keep everyone waiting any longer.

I want to say something.

-But who are you? -My name is Nicole. Hello.

Hello, Nicole.

I have only got to know Alec… Alexander recently.

At first, I also thought he was nuts.

-Did you have a reason? -They tied me to a chair.

To take a blood sample from me. But that's not the point.

-In order to do what? -Nicole needs to leave now.

-Bye, Nicole. -Let me finish.

Why did they take a blood sample from you?

And who were they?

Alec and Solomon.

Solomon is a doctor from the city hospital.

It's just that…

They thought I had become immortal.

God. I was planning to have my baby at that hospital.

Just wait a minute, let me finish.

-Don't… -Alec, shut up. I just want to say,

I think that…

people shouldn't be lonely.

They mustn't be lonely. That's just my opinion.

People shoud give themselves to others, even if the others don't want to take it.

Alec just believes in miracles. Do you understand?

Is there anything else about the chair you want to tell us?

-I'm not talking about that. -Enough.

Alexander, I think you need a psychiatrist more

than you need me.

Wait a minute.

Alexander is a good man. Believe me. He just puts on an act…

Fedya, you're all I need right now.

Sveta, is everything all right?

Her water broke. I'll get an ambulance!

Is there a doctor here?

We need a doctor.

Will a homeopath do?

I see. We're going to have the birth here.

-Who do you mean by "we"? -We're in a stable.

-Trust me. Help me make her comfortable. -I don't want to give birth in a stable.

The history of Christianity began in a stable.

-It's almost an honor. -We all need to calm down.

Now let's find our stress chakras and breathe out.

Breathe out, okay.

Margarita, come over here.

Warm water and clean towels, quick. Everyone outside. Close the doors.

-Neurotic, you stay here. -Me?

You need to talk to her.

Talk to her all the time.

Maybe you could talk to her? You're the therapist.

Well, start talking. The baby's coming out.

Give us some more light. It's dark down here.

Margarita?

Sveta, you need to be strong, breathe out. Expel your anger.

I mean… Push.

Push.

-Where's the ambulance? -On the way.

I can't stand all this negative publicity.

Where's Sveta?

Quiet, quiet, everyone.

We'll call him Alec.

What other miracles have you got up your sleeve, Alexander?

Neurotic, are you okay?

Yes, and my name is Andrei.

Come to my place.

I'll turn some water into wine.

You don't need to go to therapy any longer.

I didn't get to see your son who was supposed to say something.

But seeing as Death himself put in a word for you,

how can I say no?

So, you can show this to…

whoever it is you have to…

show this to…

I--

Good night,

and good morning.

Let it be like that.

Let it be like that.

Alexander.

What?

You're wanted on the phone.

-Is it urgent? -Yes, very.

I'm sorry.

It's really not too bad.

Just some bruising to the neck. He'll be as good as new in a month.

-Is it very painful? -No, fine.

I told you not to see him. Are you happy now?

Ira, be quiet.

-Who did this? -Nobody, it was my own fault.

Show your forehead to your father. He has a highly artistic abrasion there.

-Leave me alone. -Wait.

The bastard.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Now, we're all loaded and ready to shoot.

-Look, I'll show you my press-ups now. -You piece of shit.

-Put that down, it's sharp! -You bastard.

Don't shoot! You idiot! What are you doing? Don't shoot!

-He started it, he hit me first. -I don't care. I'll kill you.

Let's face it, you can only fight an unarmed man?

-You're not the man you used to be. -You wanna have a go?

Like we used to, sword against sword.

We've got unfinished business to settle.

Tomorrow. At the Colosseum. With seconds and witnesses.

The loser will resign and leave.

-But I am going to be Agrippa. -Now that is going too far.

I am Agrippa. You are a bag of shit. Repeat after me.

"I'm Agrippa, you are a bag of shit."

-The other way round. -I'm a bag of shit, you are Agrippa.

-Is that clear? -Yes, but there are people here.

Keep repeating it until tomorrow morning.

-Bag of shit. -Agrippa.

I'm a bag of shit.

I'm a bag of shit. I'm…

a bag of shit…

Don't you dare tell Misha.

Sure.

Here's your Agrippa costume.

-You're not well enough to fight. -I've never felt better in my life.

-You don't understand. -It's time to start. Advance.

Rule number one.

You don't hit a man on the ground.

If one drops his weapon, the other waits for him.

The winner is the man who puts his foot on his opponent's chest.

Is that clear?

-Can I put my foot somewhere else? -Just a second.

Come here.

As your doctor, I forbid you to fight. You are seriously ill.

Any strain could lead to an attack.

I feel fine. Have you forgotten? I'm in remission.

So it's not true?

You falsified that report, didn't you?

So…

You betrayed me.

I'm sorry.

Are we going to start or what?

Did you tell him?

Well? Come on!

What are you doing? Fight.

I forgive you.

As you wish.

-Raise your sword! -Stop the fight!

-He's a sick man! -Stop, it's against the rules!

Raise your bloody sword!

Get up!

Alec!

-Keep his head up! -He can't breathe.

-Alec! -Dad, do you hear me?

You?

-So, I'm dead, am I? -It's possible.

Shit.

Who was at the memorial service? What did they say?

No one went. They were all away at a jam-making festival.

Are you worried that no one will say anything?

-Then say something yourself. -Mocking me again, old man?

-I gave you that small bottle. -What was in it?

-I can't remember. Do you still have it? -I have it.

-At least that's something. -Listen,

-what do you want from me? -I want to know

whether you are looking after my sick starling.

And that's it?

I knew I couldn't rely on you.

The starling can fly.

What?

The starling can fly.

Shit.

-Where are you going? -I'll be back in a minute, wait for me.

Stop!

Stop!

-I'm coming with you. -It's not allowed.

-Then give him this. -There's no time. He's leaving us.

-Please. It's really important. -What is it?

Okay, I'll give it later. Let's go, he's dying.

Come on, move!

Bring us some more wine.

Not too much in the glasses.

Well?

Orchestra, are you ready?

Excellent.

Aren't you coming to the memorial service?

We haven't finished our game.

He can't get over it.

I can understand that.

Dear friends,

it is a sad occasion that gathers us here today.

Alexander Christoforov is no longer with us.

I'm not going to beat around the bush. He was one of a kind,

always the center of attention.

And it would be most unlike Alec

if he didn't have the last word even at his own funeral.

So I would like to pass you over to the man for whom we have gathered.

Roll the film.

Hi, everyone.

If you are watching this video, it means that I am already up in heaven.

And it's not half bad up here.

But if you happen to be passing through,

bring me a bottle of something. I'm kidding.

Thank you all for coming.

Of course, I'm very sorry for all of you.

Now your lives will be boring and predictable.

With no one to give you the hard time you deserve, isn't that right, Ignatyich?

But that's not the point. Strange as it seems,

I wanted to tell you guys

that I'm sorry.

First of all, I'd like to apologize

to my ex-wife Ira.

Forgive me, Ira.

Thank you for bringing up our son.

But he's a grown man now.

He needs a bit of freedom. Not all men like to be under the thumb.

Now that leads me to Nikolai.

Me?

You are a good man.

It's not easy to bring up other people's children.

I have the greatest respect for you. I'm honored to have broken your nose.

Thank you very much.

Nicole,

despite the fact that you're completely crazy,

you have always been my guardian angel.

And will always be.

I'm sorry if I've ever done anything wrong.

Misha, my son. You are a wonderful musician.

I love you even more than I love myself.

My scooter is in front of your house, I bequeath it to you with all my heart.

Talking about inheritances, Zhenya.

Me?

I give you my Agrippa costume.

Forgive me for forcing you to beg for mercy.

I never begged for anything.

Solomon, my friend.

Thank you for organizing all this.

Some doctors have an innate heaven-sent gift.

If anyone asks, tell them that I recommend you.

Forgive me.

Bless you.

Thank you, Ignatyich.

What?

He's still alive.

-Are you joking? -No, no, I'm dead.

-I'm dead, honestly. -You buffoon.

Orchestra, play something lively.

Why are you making a fuss again?

Buffoon! Bastard!

I must have been convincing. You said that I overact all the time.

The man's alive, that's the main thing.

Don't go. I couldn't have gotten all of you together otherwise.

I've got so much to say. Don't go.

We'll fight some more.

God grant you good health.

To the king!

-Solomon, stop them. -Why do I have to solve all your problems?

Is there anything you can't fuck up?

You can go to hell as well. Where are you all going?

I forgive you, you idiot.

Lena, at least let's take a selfie, don't go.

I'll come around and explain everything.

It's all turned out a bit awkward.

Mr. Christoforov.

-I've got a parcel for you. -Who's it from?

Have a look.

What am I supposed to do with this?

-Have you still got the little flask? -Yes.

You need to pour something into it and put the flask into the box.

You should give it to the most hopeless

-and downtrodden person you can find. -I don't understand.

-When do I have to give it? -When you are ready.

Do you understand now?

Hey, what's your name?

-Is everything all right? -Excellent.

So, how do you like…

my new hairstyle?

It's very bold.

Is your hairdresser still among the living?

Don't start, don't…

Don't start.

Your sins are forgiven. Don't start.

Yes, it's me.

Please don't shout.

Yes, everything's fine, I'll be home soon.

Say a big hello to her as well.

I love you, Dad.

Thank you.

THE ETERNAL LIFE HISTORICAL THEME PARK