All language subtitles for La clinique des fantasmes - 1981.eng

Back up! Back up!
Come on!

That's real
pretty, Ma.

(CRASHING)

Howdy, Ma.
This is the last load.

Pa Kettle, are you aiming to wreck
the place before we even move in?

Pa's just tryin'
to be scientific.

Closer we get to the front door,
the less carrying there is.

That sounds like
Pa, all right.

Henry, you and the kids carry in this
stuff 'fore he does any more damage.

Elvis, stop banging
on that banjo!

I'll take it.
Oh, boy!

Anything I can
do to help?

Sure! Take this.
(GRUNTS)

Oh, this'll save you
an extra trip.

Don't overdo it, Ma.
Remember my lumbago.

These won't hurt you none.
They're medical books.

Better let me
get that, Ma.

It looks kind of
muddy down there.

Supper's all ready, Ma.

Well, then we'd
better eat, honey.

Your pa's bound to be mighty
hungry after all that hard work!

(LAUGHS)

Come and get it!

What on earth's the matter
with you kids?

Nothin', Ma. You said we had
to behave in the new house.

We just want
to please you.

Well, if that's all you think of
my cooking, clear out of here!

You heard me, the whole lot of you.
Quit it and git!

Hold it!

Now, come and get it
like Kettles.

We thank you
for these vittles.

(ALL CLAMORING)

George, you've been running
up quite a gas bill lately.

Why are you driving all the way over
to Benson's Flats to dump the garbage?

Have to, Mr. Logan,
on account of the bears.

They've been doin' lots of damage
to the farms around here lately.

Well, I don't follow you.
They haven't touched us.

And they ain't goin' to as long as I'm
crum boss of this loggin' outfit.

You see, it's all
a matter of strategy.

Back in the Navy, I had to grind the garbage
up so fine you could hardly see it.

That way the enemy submarines
never knew where we were.

(SNIFFING)

But down here, we're fighting
a different kind of war.

We want the enemy
to spot the stuff,

so I dump it out on Benson's
Flats when the wind is right.

Then all them bears can eat their
fool heads off in their own backyard,

and don't come sniff in'
around our front lawn.

Yeah. Well, that's pretty
clear thinking, George.

Just tryin'
to do my duty.

I reckon garbage is the first
line of defense around here.

Yeah.

Much obliged, Brad.

Them shingles will make
real good "For Sale" signs.

Of course I was hoping to borrow enough
to hang 'em all over Cape Flattery.

Gonna be mighty tough to put
'em up without nails, though.

Anything else, Pa?

Well, now that you mention it,
I could use some paint.

Signs don't mean much unless
there's something writ on 'em.

Oh, hi, George.

Say, George, you can start painting just
as soon as you finish dumping your load.

Be sure to tell Mr. Logan
that I'll pay for everything.

Just as soon as
I sell the farm.

Brad, did you
hear me?

Oh. Oh, yeah, Pa.
Well, there's no hurry.

I guess I forgot to tell you. Mr. Logan's
gonna take it out of George's salary, anyway.

That boy's sure been mighty jittery since
he come back from college last week.

Well, four years of book learning
can fill a mind so full of facts

a man ain't got
room to think.

Sally, you had me worried.
What happened?

Oh, everything, I phoned Dad
in New York like we planned.

I told him we were going to be
married and he hit the ceiling.

He's flying back here
to stop us.

I knew it.

A few dates with the hometown
boy are all right in college,

but let the hired help fall
in love with his daughter

and Mr. Millions
doesn't go for the idea.

Well, honey, we've
been over that before.

I go for the idea.
That's all that counts.

Honey, it's not
that simple.

Well, it is.

Unless you're getting cold feet
and don't want me anymore.

Don't want you?

Well, now that we're both convinced,
where can we get married?

Honey, slow down.

Well, you got the license,
didn't you?

Well, yes, but there's a little joker
involved called a waiting period.

Won't be up
until tomorrow.

By that time,
Dad will be here.

There's no telling
what he might do.

If I could just
vanish for awhile.

You couldn't hide a freckle in a
town as small as Cape Flattery.

It'd have to be a place
deserted, isolated.

Hey, wait a minute.

I've got an idea
that just might work.

It hasn't changed much since I used
to play here when I was a kid.

Well, there's
one consolation.

It can't be
any worse inside.

Wait a minute.

There's an old custom
I'd better practice up on.

(SCREAMS)

I guess I'd better wait
till we get married.

(BELL CHIMING)

I seem to hear
wedding bells already.

There's your bell ringer.

Or is that
the best man?

There go the bridesmaids.

Shoo!

(CLUCKING)

(PIG SQUEALING)

(SCREAMS)

You know, maybe staying in this
menagerie's not such a good idea.

Don't be silly.
It's only for one night

and you'll have 50 years
to make it up to me.

Whoa!

Okay, kids! Start roundin'
up the livestock!

I want 'em moved to the
new place before dark!

Funny, I don't remember
them being here before.

Something tells me
you got visitors.

Say, if those animals are
bringing up reinforcements...

It's the Kettles.

We can't let them
find us here together.

Get in the closet, quick!

Brad Johnson.

Hi, everybody. I was just
lookin' the place over.

I thought that might
be your truck outside.

And might I ask who belongs
to that fancy buggy?

Nobody.

You mean you rode up in both of 'em?
All by yourself?

No, I drove one
and towed the other.

Why, why, hi,
Ma and Pa!

Why, it's Sally
Mae Flemming.

Why, child, I haven't
seen you in years.

What're you doin'
here with him?

Well, Sally and I are old
friends from college, Ma.

She just drove
in from Seattle.

In that car you said
you towed here?

Ma, please. It's not
what you're thinking.

How do you know
what I'm thinkin'?

Unless you're thinkin' what both
of us shouldn't be thinkin'.

Oh, Ma, you don't understand.
Sally and I, well, we just...

Well, you see, what Brad is
trying to tell you is...

We're married.

Well, land's sakes! Why
didn't you say so right off?

You sly, old
dog, you!

I never even knew you was
sweet on the boss' daughter.

Weren't no need
to keep it a secret.

Well, you know how these
things get out, and we...

Well, we didn't want any
publicity until we got settled.

Oh, so that's why you're
lookin' the house over.

Well, sir, you've come
to the right place.

There ain't a better farm
on the whole peninsula.

And seeing
we're all friends,

I'll let you have it
mighty cheap.

Well, we didn't
want to buy it, Pa.

Well, that is, until we were
sure that we'd be happy here.

Well, you're welcome to stay
a while till you're sure.

I won't even charge
you any rent.

Oh, well, that's
a good idea, Pa.

We can clean up the place and bring
in our old bed from the barn

and everything will be just like it
was on our honeymoon 30 years ago!

(SQUEALS)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

It's a mighty
good bed, too.

Sure is a beauty.

Good as new!

I got another surprise
for you kids, too.

Found the pillows that Ma and
me used on our honeymoon.

Why, they're lovely.

I don't know
what to say.

Goodbye'll do.

I expect it's time we got outta here and
left these lovebirds to themselves!

That's enough, kids!
Let's git!

But Ma, we ain't loaded
half the livestock.

Oh, we can get
the rest tomorrow.

I don't want to raise any more ruckus around here.
Ah, there's my boy!

They were so sweet, I was afraid
we'd slip and give ourselves away.

Well, our worries
are over, darling.

I'll leave now, pick you up first thing
in the morning, and we'll get married.

(MOOING)

Looks like some of the wedding
guests arrived early.

I'm in no mood
for any more company.

Now, if you want to find me here tomorrow
morning, you'd better keep them out tonight.

You know, Ma,

seein' them kids start their married
life sure makes my heart feel good.

It does mine, too.

(LAUGHING)

Remember the first night
we spent on the old farm?

Uh-huh.

It rained something awful.

It thundered and
lightning hit the barn

and old Bessie
started bawling

and the calf
broke loose.

Uh-huh.

Took you quite a while
to get 'em rounded up.

I'll never forget
how sweet you was,

holdin' the umbrella
over me

so I wouldn't ruin
my wedding dress.

I was glad I could make it up
into this pretty nightgown.

The flowers are
a little faded,

but the memories
are still there.

And just to think, Pa,

you picked it out of a mail
order catalog all by yourself.

You always was a romantic...
(SNORING)

(KNOCKING)

Ma!

Balls of fire!

Kind of late for company.

Ma Kettle!
Open up, Ma!

Jim Flemming,
what in tarnation...

I'm sorry to barge in on you like
this, Ma, but I'm lookin' for Sally.

I traced that car of hers
to Cape Flattery, and...

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Ain't the girl entitled to a
little privacy on her honeymoon?

Honeymoon! Oh, no.

What's the matter?
Anything wrong?

Well, there
better not be!

Well, that ought to
guarantee some privacy.

It's nice to know I'm going
to marry such a talented man.

And I work cheap, too. All
it will cost you is a kiss.

Oh, look! You can't
even reach that hole!

Oh, well, that one
doesn't matter.

Nothing bigger than a chicken
will ever get through.

Just keep your bedroom door locked
and you won't have any trouble.

It's stuck.

Oh, the floor's warped.

Well, we solved that
problem pretty easily.

It's stuck again.

Mr. Kettle!

I sure thought that bed would
hold up longer than this.

Dad!

How did you find...

Never mind that.
I'll ask the questions.

Now, where's your
marriage certificate?

Well, you see, we...

It's no use, honey. We can't
bluff our way out of this one.

We're not married,
Mr. Flemming.

Brad, you ought to be
tarred and feathered.

Well, now, Ma, calm down. We
haven't done anything wrong.

And you're not going to. Pack your
things, young lady. I'm taking you home!

I'm not going anywhere
without Brad.

Now, Mr. Flemming, be reasonable.
All we want to do is get married.

I've got a lease on some fine
timber land at Salmon Point.

Once I start to work it,
I can...

That means years
of hard work.

Cutting corners,
living on beans.

Oh, now, don't go turnin' up your nose at
those humble beginnings, Jim Flemming.

Why, 30 years ago,

you were the only family in Cape Flattery
that had to borrow from the Kettles.

Ma, you don't understand.
I'm all for Brad's ideas.

And there isn't another man
I'd rather see Sally marry,

only I don't think she's
good enough for him!

Dad, how can you say that?

I know I've spoiled and pampered
you ever since your mother died.

And living in a Seattle penthouse
is no way to train for farm life.

You'd be cryin' for a
divorce in six months.

I'll take that chance.

JIM: Well, I won't!

Well, you're not
being fair!

Ah, honey.

Sally, I'm only trying to do
what's best for both of you.

Seems to me this "tryin' to do what's best"
business is only makin' things worse.

What're you getting at, Ma?

Oh, it's plain as the
nose on your face.

Let Sally live on
the farm for awhile,

and if she proves
she's got what it takes,

then they can
get hitched.

Ma, that ain't decent.

Ah, hogwash!

All she'll have to do
is to cook his vittles,

wash his clothes
and run the farm.

He can still bunk down
at the lumber camp.

And just to make sure
there ain't no mix-ups,

Pa and me will do
around-the-clock chaperonin'.

Team's all hitched, Ma.

Sure gonna be
lonesome without you.

Somebody's gotta stay
nights with Sally.

And if it wasn't me, we'd need another
chaperone to chaperone the chaperone.

Besides, George said he'd
bunk with you for awhile.

Won't be the same, Ma.

After 30 years, I don't know I can fall
asleep without the sound of your snoring.

Snorin' or no snorin', we gotta
take care of those kids.

Besides, the money that Mr. Flemming
insisted on paying us for chaperoning

will just about cover the first
installment on the mortgage.

Yeah, I reckon
you're right, Ma,

but I still don't hold much
with the idea of women workin'.

(GRUNTS)

(ROOSTER CROWING)

Sally! Wake up!

I've let you oversleep
a half hour already.

It's 4:30!

It's the middle
of the night.

In Cape Flattery, it's the
middle of the morning.

Brad'll be here at 5:00
for his breakfast.

That's nice.

I promised
I wouldn't help you,

but I suppose it's my duty to
make up my side of the bed.

It's too green to burn.
This stuff's still growing.

Ma Kettle, I'm not
completely incompetent.

We have a fireplace
in the penthouse

and I've managed pretty well
with all kinds of wood.

It's just a matter
of getting things started.

Some kerosene will do it.

Gettin' kinda stuffy
in here, ain't it?

All it needs is
a little more draft.

The house's on fire!

Hey, Ma.
You all right?

Of course, I am! You're
just in time for breakfast.

Here's your gas mask.

Well, I wasn't really
very hungry anyway.

But don't let on to Sally.
It might upset her.

Say, if that girl keeps dishin'
out those kind of vittles,

she's gonna end up a widow
before she's a bride.

Well, I'm all set!

MA: Land sakes, you ain't gonna do
your chores in that getup, are you?

These are the most
suitable clothes I have.

Besides, I see no reason why a girl
can't look pretty when she works.

Maybe.

But the livestock ain't
used to fashion shows.

Come on, Brad.

You can drop me off at home
on the way to the camp.

See you at supper, honey. In the
meantime, this is for luck.

Now, Ma, don't go closing
your eyes to good ideas.

I declare, Pa,

you're actin' like we was married
only 30 minutes instead of 30 years.

Oh, by the way, here's a
copy of Sally's chore list.

And believe me, you'd better keep at a
safe distance while you're supervisin'.

The way that gal operates,
anything's liable to happen!

(SNAPPING)

(BLEATS)

Whoa!

Everything all right
at home, Ma?

Of course.
How's Sally doin'?

Well, she's way
behind schedule,

but I guess you can't expect them city
folks to work as fast as you and me, Ma.

(CRASHING)

Gosh!

(CRYING)

I been meanin' to fix
that stovepipe for years.

Oh, things ain't
as bad as they look.

This mess is all Pa's fault and there's no
rule sayin' I can't help you clean it up!

Anything I can
do to help?

Yes.

You can show slow
city folks like Sally

just how fast country folks like
you can make tracks outta here!

The clothes'll be dry
in a couple of hours.

You can iron 'em
after supper.

Sally! Stop dozin' off!
You gotta fix supper!

Oh, I'm too tired
to do anything!

I'm kinda
tuckered out myself.

What do you say
to takin' a cold shower?

It'll perk us both up!
Come on!

Better get a move on!
Brad'll be here soon.

(SINGING) Oh, where, oh,
where can my little dog be?

Oh, where, oh, where
can he be?

With his ears cut short
and his tail cut long

Oh, where, oh, where
can he be?

He left last night
and he ain't come home

Oh, Rover
where can you be?

I saved a bone
so please come home

Oh, Rover come back to
me (ANIMALS BRAYING)

Now you've heard me yell
there's no more to tell

My dog has left me alone

But you can bet
he'll be back yet

When he's hungry
he will come home

(SNORTING)

Brad? Are you home already?

I hope you're not
too hungry, dear.

(GROWLING)

Well, I'll get supper as
soon as I take a shower!

Honey, please
don't do the dishes!

Ma wouldn't like
you to help me.

I'll do them
after I shower!

Why don't you
just rest awhile?

Brad, don't come in!
I'm not dressed!

Brad Johnson!

The water's fine, Sally. Just
yank the rope when you're ready.

(GROWLS)

Land sakes, honey! You sound like you
never took a cold shower before!

Here's the soap!

Gettin' kinda clumsy,
ain't ya?

(SNORTING)

Sally! Sally Mae Flemming!

What in tarnation's
the matter with you?

Sally! Sally, what's
the matter with you?

Sally.

That's old Three Toes!

According to the tracks, he
must have been in the house!

But I thought
it was Brad!

Well, right neighborly of you to help
Brad and me stand watch, George.

Old Three Toes, he's a
mighty mean critter.

Well, if he comes snooping around
here again, he won't get by us!

Especially, with that
$500 bounty on his hide.

(SNIFFING)

Why didn't you park the
garbage truck downwind?

I did, Pa!

(SNIFFS)

George, ain't you ever
thought of changin' jobs?

What for?

There's nothin' more
important than garbage.

Yes, sir. You show me
a man without garbage,

and I'll show you
a man who ain't eatin'!

Yeah. That makes
a heap of sense.

(SNORING)

(CROWING)

(CROWING CONTINUES)

(RINGING)

Sally, turn that
darned thing off.

I can't.

My neck's stiff
and I can't raise my arms.

Oh, I feel like every bone
in my body's broken.

I got the remedy
for that, all right.

Ma, what're you gonna do?

I'm gonna rub out your aches
and pound in some sense.

It's a wonder you're alive
at all, the way you work.

Ma! Stop it!

Please, don't...

Choppin' wood
with your wrists!

You gotta take
a full swing!

(BONES CRUNCHING)

(SCREAMS)

Ma! Don't!
Ma, please stop. Please.

(BONES CRACKING)

Ma, you're breaking my back!

(SCREAMING)

What difference does it make?
You never use it anyway.

Doin' the wash with your elbows! You
gotta put your shoulders in it.

And when you wring
out the clothes,

twist 'em dry
and fast like this!

See? Nothin' to it,
once you get the hang of it.

And you'd better, if you expect
to make the grade as Brad's wife.

Ma Kettle, when I want
your advice, I'll...

Well, my neck.
It isn't stiff anymore.

And I can raise my arm.

Well, then, you better
cook breakfast.

Those men'll be mighty hungry
after all that bear-watchin'.

Ma, you're wonderful!

I guess I have been
stubborn and silly,

but I'll make you
proud of me yet.

You ready for seconds?

I've already helped
myself to thirds.

And I can't get over it. A few weeks
ago, you were burning boiled eggs.

Now, six-course breakfasts
with apple pie!

Even pigs wait till
the feed's thrown at 'em.

These pies are for the contest at
the lumbermen's rodeo tomorrow.

PA: Morning.

I run into the mailman on the way over, Brad.
He gimme a letter for you.

Well, thanks, Pa.

Anything wrong?
I'm afraid so.

It looks like I'm going
to lose my timber lease.

They've jumped the renewal
price to $2,500 dollars.

Oh, but we were going to start our
own logging outfit on that land.

And you still are. You got three
weeks till the lease runs out.

There's plenty of time
to harvest enough timber

from that stand to meet
the renewal price.

But, Ma, even if George and
Pa were willing to help,

I'd still need
to rent equipment

and it'd take about
$500 to swing the deal.

Well, we'll just have to pick it
up in prize money at the rodeo.

But, Ma, them events
is dangerous.

Oh, it'll be worth
the risk.

Anyway, we'll have a better
chance to win than anybody else,

'cause there's four of us.
lncludin' you!

(SNIFFING)

(GUNSHOT)

Careful, Ma. That
ain't no safety razor.

GEORGE: Come on, Ma!

The winner,
in 19 seconds flat,

Ma Kettle!

(ALL CHEERING)

You boys ready?

All right, get set.

Good for you, Brad!
I knew you'd do it!

Oh, you're
wonderful!

Nice goin', Brad!

(SNIFFING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

the winner of the first and only
prize in the pie-baking contest is

number five,
Miss Sally Flemming!

Oh!

Congratulations,
Sally!

Well, with that 25,

we'll have a even
400 in the kitty.

We're still 100 short.

You've just got to win the
first prize in the log race.

It's the
last contest.

Well, I'll need
my other shoes.

Oh, they're in the truck.
I'll go fetch ' em.

A hat's no place
to carry $400.

Howdy.

(GRUNTING)

ANNOUNCER: Will the rest
of the contestants

for the log running race please
report to the starting line.

This is the final call.

What's keepin' Pa?

Don't fall in! Hurry.

He's in the race.

Pa ain't never been
on a log in his life.

(BELL DINGS)

(LAUGHING)

He's sensational!

Never saw him move
that fast before.

Come on! Come on! Good for you!
Come on!

(ALL CHEERING)

Why, you old rascal!

Why didn't you tell us you
was gonna enter the race?

What race?

Where's Three Toes?

Three Toes?

Yeah. He was breathin'
down my neck

all the way
from the truck!

No wonder Pa
moved so fast.

We'd better get
some men together

and track that bear down
before somebody gets hurt.

Well, if you ask me I think we
ought to pin a medal on him!

For scarin' Pa right into
the lumber business!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, no more signs
of his tracks.

You know, he could've headed
for those berry bushes

over at the old
Kettle place.

Well, it's worth a look.
Come on.

Let's go.
Come on.

Mr. Logan, no!

I mean, we can't
go bargin' in on Sally!

Sally? I thought
she was staying

at the MacDonald farm
with the Kettles.

Well, you know how crowded
it is with all them kids.

She just wanted
a little privacy.

Well, it's too private with
that bear roaming around.

The least we can
do is warn her.

Let's go.

She's not in any danger.

Brad's the best shot in...

What's Brad
doing up there?

Please, Mr. Logan.

Don't pay any attention to
an old blabbermouth like me!

Listen, George. Jim
Flemming's not only my boss.

He's my friend.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of
this thing one way or another!

(PA SNORING)

I hate to wake him up
out of a sound sleep

just to send him
home to bed.

After what he did
at the rodeo,

he deserves
an extra catnap.

You let him sleep and
I'll clean up the dishes.

I'll bring in the rest.

You dump them in the sink
and I'll heat up the water.

Well, Ma sure has made a
perfect farm wife out of you.

But I'm a nervous wreck.

Do you realize we haven't been
alone for more than a month?

I know. Thirty-one days,
744 hours.

(MA CLEARS THROAT)

(CLINKING CHINA LOUDLY)

Thought I'd get myself
another cup of coffee.

Sally, ain't it about
time you fed the pigs?

I suppose so.

(HORN HONKING)

Jumpin' horned toads!
What's goin' on?

We've come to pay our respects
to the bashful newlyweds!

Newlyweds?

There they are!
Yeah!

Come on, Rip!

I couldn't stop them, Ma! They're
gonna give the kids a shivaree!

They think
they're hitched.

Well, where'd they get such
a fool notion as that?

Well, Ma, you see,
it was like this. I...

All right, everybody!
Let's line up!

Come on!
Hey, you can't do that!

Oh, can't I?
Oh!

Us girls always
kiss the groom!

So you see, there wasn't
anythin' else I could do!

Well, we gotta do
somethin'. Now!

Yeah, let's get in line
'fore we miss all the fun.

PETE: All right, everybody,
let's get back on the road!

Pete Logan! Pete Logan, you
bring those kids back here!

Well, of course, Ma, after they
spend the night at Salmon Point!

Over my dead body!

They ain't
goin' nowhere!

And if you don't
listen to reason,

I'll settle this
with a shotgun!

Better listen to her, Pete.
She's a crack shot!

Well, I guess you got a
right to your opinion, Ma,

only this time
you're outvoted!

Grab 'em, fellows!

(SCREAMING)

Put me down!
Help! Help!

They must have
bolted it!

When I get through
with that Pete Logan,

they won't be able
to sell him for sawdust!

Well, you can't
blame him, Ma.

He thinks
everything's legal.

Fact is, we ought
to thank him.

Them kids ain't the only ones that
this chaperoning's been keepin' apart.

I kinda missed ya.

Oh, Pa Kettle! You always
was a sweet talker!

But now we gotta
think of those kids!

If they stay up
at Salmon Point,

Jim Flemming's
bound to find out

and that'll
ruin everything!

Yeah. I reckon you're right.
But what can we do?

Get outta here!

The hayloft!
Start climbin'!

Well, get goin'!

Okay! Slide down while
I hold it steady!

This end ain't long
enough for me to slide!

You'll have to
lower me down!

All right, Ma!
Come ahead!

Mighty neat catch, Ma.

Well, catchin' you
ain't the problem.

It's those kids!

Well, I'll go hitch up
the team right away.

Oh, we'll never make it
in time in the wagon!

Sally's car!
Come on! Get goin'!

Ma, are you sure you can
drive this contraption?

Of course I can,
once I get it goin'.

Where's that fool starter?

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, it's no use, honey.
Looks like we're stuck,

for better
or for worse.

Well, if this is any example of
Cape Flattery's mentality...

Oh, now, honey,
calm down.

They've really
done us a favor.

We're finally alone

in the most romantic
spot on the Cape!

I'm a mess! Look at
my dress and my hair!

Why, look at me!

I am.

Hi, Ma! Why, we never
thought you'd get here!

I can see that!

All right, Ma. Think
whatever you want to.

Just get us
out of here.

Brad Johnson, are you
givin' me orders?

I'm the chaperone
around here.

Now you just stay out
in the moonlight, honey,

so I can keep
an eye on you!

Ma, you old softie!

Well, it's a lot more romantic
than the barn, ain't it?

Thanks for helping me tidy
up the bridal suite, Ma.

Ah, stop your gripin', Brad.

I know this ain't the most
comfortable place to sleep,

but you couldn't keep
stayin' at the bunkhouse

now that everybody
thinks you're married.

Brad! Ma! Brad!

It's a letter from Dad!

Well, what'd he say?
Let's see.

Well, quiet down and I'll
read the most important part.

"So, under the circumstances,
I agree with Ma.

"You had to pretend
you were newlyweds.

"I'll be down tomorrow and
we'll make everything legal."

Oh, wonderful!

Ma, writing Mr. Flemming the
truth was a stroke of genius.

Well, there wasn't
anything else we could do

after the Seattle papers runnin'
the story about your shivaree.

(HORN HONKING)

George, since when are you
gift wrappin' the garbage?

Ma, them's weddin' presents from
Sally's friends in Seattle.

Wedding presents?

Yeah. They got things there that
I never even knew was invented.

Washin' machines, driers,
garbage disposals,

electric...
Garbage disposals!

It'll be a cinch to run this
place with all these appliances.

Now, hold on, Sally.

We're tryin' to show your pa you can
manage without modern conveniences.

I guess you're right.

Well, maybe you'd better
store 'em in the barn.

As far as I'm concerned,

you can ship 'em back where
they came from right now.

What are you
talking about?

Look, honey, we agreed to rough
it for a couple of years.

Now this is a farm,
not a penthouse.

Oh, well, you
don't understand.

I didn't intend
to use these things

until we were
officially married.

Well, you won't use these things
even after we're married.

Now, why are you making a fuss
over a few wedding presents?

A few? You've got enough
here for the whole county!

And what're people gonna say when they
find out I didn't buy any of them?

Oh, that's it. You don't
care how hard I have to work

just so you can keep
your silly pride.

I didn't say that.
No, but you meant it!

You don't want a wife.
You want a workhorse!

Of all the spoiled,
self-centered...

Well, maybe your
father was right.

You are too soft
for this kind of life.

MA: Brad!
Come back here!

(CRYING)

Oh, Sally, stop
carrying on like this.

You've got a whole lifetime to
fight after you're married.

The way he's acting, there
may not be a marriage!

Garbage disposals.

10:30.

I told you he wouldn't
be man enough

to show up
for breakfast.

What good would that have done?
You didn't cook him any.

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

(HONKING)

Hurry UP-

Oh, it's them.

I figured those
girls would be over

to look at the wedding
presents sooner or later.

Come on. You might as
well get it over with.

Oh!

They look too new
to be real!

Just like the mail
order catalogs!

Hello, everybody!

(WOMEN ALL GREETING MA)

Never seen so many newfangled
gadgets in my born days.

They don't look like
they've been used, either.

Well, they haven't,
and it's time they were.

Say, why don't you ladies go get
your wash and try out the machines?

We was sort of hopin'
you'd feel that way, Sal,

so, just in case, we brung
along a couple of things.

At least I've seen the stuff
work once before I leave.

Oh, Sally, stop makin'
such a ruckus.

Just because you and Brad
had your first spat.

And last.

And you can tell him he doesn't
have to worry about the neighbors.

They can
have everything.

That silly little idiot
thinks she's gonna get...

Pa, you check
the loggin' site.

George,
try the lumber camp.

And I'll scout
around town.

I want Brad here
by noon, hog-tied,

and with enough breath
left in him to say, "I do."

I ain't so sure
this'll work, Pa.

Even if we do
get Brad up here,

they'll probably have
at it worse than ever.

Yeah. Ma and me, we fit like wildcats
even after the weddin' bells,

till she told me the first
young one was on the way.

We ain't had a real
decent scrap since then.

You mean, once those kids get
married and have a baby,

they'll stop
their battlin'?

Oh, sure, sure.

That kind of news
makes everybody happy.

I can't hardly wait to see the
expression on old Jim Flemming's face

when Sally tells him that he's
goin' to be a grandfather.

(GASPS)

Don't tell a soul, but Sally's
going to have a baby!

No!
Don't tell a soul.

It's supposed to be a secret, but
Sally's going to have a baby.

Well, this always was
a mighty productive farm.

Don't tell nobody, but
the kids are expectin'.

What's that?

I said, there's gonna be anotheryoung'un
on the old Kettle farm.

Keep it under
your bonnet,

but the old Kettles are goin'
to have ayoung'un on the farm!

Don't you tell I told you,
but Ma's that way again.

About the only thing
she ain't had yet is twins.

The doc says Ma
is gonna have twins.

But we ain't
supposed to let on.

Well, I don't see why, but if
she wants to keep it a secret,

I think all of us
should cooperate.

Uh, time I was
headin' for home.

(RINGING)

Hello. What?

Well, are they sure?

Yeah.

BRAD: Ma! Ma?

Sally!

Sally!

Well, Mr. Johnson, to what
do I owe this pleasure?

Now, Sally, this is no
time for bickering.

Haven't you heard the news about
Ma being in a family way?

Brad, don't be ridiculous!

No, it's all over town.

Logan's wife got it
from Ethel Parks.

She heard it from Mabel
Shaw who said that

Granny Higgins took Ma
to the doctor's office.

She didn't say anything
to me about it.

Maybe she's a little
embarrassed.

You see, they say,
according to the doctor,

that it might
be triplets.

Whoa!

So, under the
circumstances,

we better not let on that we
know till Ma tells us herself.

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

Sally, about the other day,
it was all my fault.

No, it wasn't. We were both
proud and stubborn and...

And in love.

I hate to interrupt
this peace parley,

but we've got to get down to the
station and meet Sally's pa,

before you two hot-tempered
kids declare war again.

Come on!

(SNORING)

(MEN CHUCKLING)

George, what's
all this about?

Congratulations, Pa.
Why didn't you tell us?

You're a sly one.

Pa, you old hound dog.
You're havin' another litter.

You mean old Bessie's
gonna whelp?

Not Bessie, Pa. Ma.

Ma? Well, I'll be danged.

Why ain't she told me?

I guess she was
plannin' a surprise.

Accordin' to the doc, it might be
quadruplets, or even quintuplets.

That means you'll beat
old Zeke Haskel's record

for sirin' the biggest
brood on the peninsula.

That's quite a feat, Pa,
especially at your age.

Yeah, I reckon it is.

Well, it all comes from clean
livin', lots of rest...

And never doin' an honest
day's work in his whole life.

Aw, if Pa ever put his mind to it, he
could probably work like a dynamo.

MAN 1: Now I've
heard everything.

MAN 2: The age of
miracles is over.

Now, George is right.

I just ain't never had
no reason to try before.

Of course, feedin' and clothin' and
educatin' all them extra mouths

can be mighty
expensive.

Maybe it's time
I give it a whirl.

By God. I will!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Pa, what're you up to?

I can't waste time
talkin', George.

I'm comin'
out of retirement.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Hey, Pa! You better go
back into retirement.

Hey, Pa, why don't
you honk your horn?

He doesn't even know
how to run that thing!

Back it up.

Stop!
Hold it!

Watch out for
the cliff, Pa!

Watch out!

(LOUD SPLASHING)

(BUBBLING)

Oh, that's bad. That's the
deepest part of the river, too.

(BURPING)

We got the umbrella
back, though.

Of all the fool stunts you
ever pulled, Pa Kettle,

this takes the
booby prize!

A bulldozer like that costs
thousands of dollars.

Well, no need
to get riled up.

I aim to pay
for it on time.

Huh! According to your record,
that'd take about 50 years.

Pa, you've just bulldozed
Brad out of business.

But I was just tryin'
to turn over a new leaf

and become a good
husband and provider

so you could have the new
young'uns in the hospital.

Young'uns?

Who said I was expectin'?

George.
Sally.

Brad.
Logan.

Seems everybody in town
knows somethin' I don't.

Ma, you mean
you ain't gonna...

Of course, I ain't!

When I find out who started
that rumor, I'll...

GEORGE: You ought to
invite him to the wedding.

After all, that baby
you're not havin'

got Sally and Brad
together again.

Together again?

I didn't know you two
were ever apart.

Oh! Oh, nothin'
to speak of.

Just a little
misunderstanding.

You see, Brad had some
old-fashioned ideas about wives.

Hold on, Sal. Just because I
didn't let you pamper yourself

with all those
grandiose ideas...

Pamper myself? Well,
how do you like that?

What about you and all
your grandiose ideas?

Striking out on your own
with Pa Kettle as a partner!

Well, you struck out
all right.

If I had a dime for all
the mistakes you've made,

I wouldn't need to start
a lumber company.

I'd have more money
than your father.

You're impossible!
Dad, you were right.

I don't like this
kind of a life,

and I don't like the kind
of man who goes with it.

Look, Brad, if I
loan you the money...

You'd be wasting your time.
I'm not gonna buy a wife.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I hope you're satisfied.

You've ruined everything.

For 30 years, you never
buckled down to work,

but somehow
we managed.

Then in one day's work,
you bankrupt all of us!

I'm sorry, Ma.
I'll make it up to you.

Huh! I've been hearin'
that for 30 years, too.

Folks always talked about
how shiftless you were,

but I never paid
any attention to 'em

because I thought
sometime you might change.

I've tried to be
patient with you,

but I just can't
take it much longer.

Now get outta here.

The kids and I can get along without you.
Go on! Git!

(QUIETLY) Pa.

Thanks, Pa. Nice of you to
help me on the garbage run.

Anythin's better than
facin' Ma and the kids.

Besides, maybe you ought to just
leave me out there at the crick,

with the rest of the garbage
for the bears to eat.

Pa, that's no way for
a family man to talk.

Why, you...
Or is it?

Pa, you're right.

Now hold on, George.
No matter how I feel,

like you say, we got to
think of Ma and the kids.

That's just
what I'm doin'

and I got me
a foolproof plan.

Well, now, wait a minute. I don't know
about these plans of yours, George.

I knew somethin' was wrong when Pa
didn't show up for his vittles.

Well, he's probably off
sulkin' around someplace.

This sure has turned into
a messed up logjam.

Ma! It's old Three Toes!

He's been here!

There are tracks all
over the berry patch!

And they're fresh, too!

If I could only get him in
my gunsights just once,

he'd end up like that
cougar I bagged last year.

Yeah.

That bounty money sure did
come in handy all right.

Wait a minute.

Didn't you tell me they doubled
the price on Three Toes' hide?

Well, don't stand there.
Get your rifle!

He put Brad in
business once.

No reason why
he can't do it again!

Here's where George
dumps all the garbage.

Three Toes gotta be
around here someplace.

We'll set up over there.

Yes, Ma.

Well, I got to hand
it to you, George.

Old Three Toes, he'll never be able
to climb out of a hole that deep.

Yeah. Now all we gotta do is spread
a little garbage on the trail,

and when Three Toes
eats himself into our hands,

all your
troubles'll be over.

I can't wait to see
the look on Ma's face

when we show up with
that bounty money.

Trackin' that critter down,

that's probably the last thing
she'd ever think of, huh?

Can't wait to see the
look on your pa's face

when he finds out all this
stuff from his junk pile

is a made-to-order
bear trap.

Well, I better scout around. If I
spot anything, I'll signal you.

Good idea.

While you're at it, bait the
trail with some of this.

Well, I'm fresh out, Pa.

I guess we better get
some more from the truck

so we can run this all
the way out to the road.

Yeah.

Funny, I was sure we put
garbage on this path before.

We did, Pa. Three Toes
must've eat it all up!

Look, there's his
trail! Come on!

(SNIFFING)
I smell something.

No, no. I mean
somethin' different.

(SNIFFING)

Honey-flavored
preserves!

Pa, this is
unfair competition!

(TWIGS CRACKING)

Henry, is that you?

Okay, I'll be right up!

Hang onto this
till I get there!

Henry!
Where are ya? Henry!

(GROWLING)

(SNARLING)

(GROWLS)

(SHOUTING)

Feed him the garbage,
George.

I think he wants
somethin' more substantial!

George, bears can't
shoot, can they?

Of course not!

(GUNSHOT)

I don't think.

(GUNSHOTS)

Whoa up, you varmint!

Git!

(GEORGE SCREAMS)

Growl your fool head off,
you silly critter!

Pa!

(BEAR GROWLING)

(GROWLING)

Howdy.

PA: My hat!

Pa! You all right?

I think so.

(SCREAMING)

GEORGE: Pa!
It's George!

Sounds like Three Toes
has got him cornered!

I think he loves me.

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

CHILD: Ma! What's Three Toes
doin' up there?

Oh, he's harmless!

We didn't have the
heart to kill him, so,

meet the new assistant
garbage collector!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, Ma, looks like our
chaperonin' days was over.

Ha! That's what you think.

From now on, we got a full-time
job chaperonin' each other!

And just to make sure
nothin' goes wrong.