All language subtitles for Hetty.Wainthropp.Investigates.S01E06.Safe.As.Houses.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-squalor_track3_eng

CLOCK TICKS

MATCH IS STRUCK

SIRENS WAIL

BABY CRIES

A job?! Part-time. Three days
a week, collecting trolleys.

The detective business doesn't pay!
We're using up my redundancy money.

Something had to be done! ..Give it
up the moment we can afford it!

I'm not having a husband of mine
going out to work! Your job's here!

Shall we take him? Come on.
BABY CRIES

That's it. Yep, I've got it.

Right, then. Let's get you home!

SPORADIC CRYING

Mrs Baynes? Label? She always puts
a label. Yes... I'll take him.

All right...?

HORN BLARES

'Yes. I'll be there.'

Rely on me.

Chrissie Hedges, aged 16,
been in care since she was 2½,

five foster placements,
six children's homes,
four or five suicide attempts.

Real ones?
You can tell the difference(?)

Sometimes it's just "cutting".
Watching the blood spurt out.

So they know they're there.
Proof of existence. Girls, mostly.

Boys have other ways.
You know a lot!

Kids from a children's home
came to our school.

It's depression and low self-esteem.
They've been in care so long.

Not so much a death wish,
more a life wish?

Wish for a different life. Yeah.

So she leaves her young baby
hidden among the crisp packets
at the station and legs it?!

WOLF WHISTLE AND LAUGHTER >

HE WHISTLES

Am I not coming with you, then?
Not this one.

Not today.

You need me!
It's our first job for...

for a long time.

And maybe we won't get it.

It's beyond Bolton.
We can't afford your fare!

One of the few advantages of my age
is the bus pass. I'll hold the fort.

You hold the fort!
The phone may ring again.

Oh, one small thing
you could do for me.

But only if you find you're bored.

Peel a few potatoes
ready for tonight.

Come on.

PIPED MUSIC

Hello. Hetty Wainthropp, private
investigator. You're not! I am!

Quick, inside! Oh!

One evil eye from that window there
and you'll wither on the spot!
We've got one of those.

A private detective?! I don't
believe it! I need a recommendation
from the Chief Constable(?)

Fetch me the Magna Carta signed by
Barry Manilow! You still couldn't
detect a gas leak with a blow torch!

Then why are you wasting my time
and money?! You were cheapest.
We're doing a special rate.

Course you are.
You'd have to, wouldn't you?!

SHE PLAYS
(I've got a madwoman!)

# Why does the cow have four legs?
Why, oh, why, oh, why? #

My hat! If you're a detective,
tell me who I am!

Alice Endersby!
As was. Alice Baynes now.

I might have known!
You never knew the words!

Play!

# Why has a cow got four legs?
I must find out somehow!

# You don't know, I don't know
And neither does the cow! #

What do the initials S and M
mean to you? Sausage and mash.
Why, is there room service?

HETTY LAUGHS
Ohhh! Hetty Ponsonby.

AKA Little Miss Chuckles Chinchilla.

All that wriggling about
in fur and fishnet tights!

And that squeaky voice you put on
when you wrinkled your nose!

I had the devil in me in those days!
Still have, I bet!

I saw your picture
in the local paper.

They used the wrong profile.

"Super gran sleuth". Summat to do
with an old woman dead. I kept it.

Then when I needed a bloodhound
I remembered Chuckles Chinchilla!

It's...nothing untoward really,
you know.

It just adds to the excitement.

It must be a challenge.
When did you start fostering?

When we knew we couldn't have any.
After Jim died I kept on.

Change him while I do his bottle?
Well...

It's like riding a bicycle.
You never forget.

Now the Social Services
seem to take a delight

in sending me the difficult cases
like Chrissie.

Total cost of damage by age 13,
£16,864.

The precise way they tot it up!

They must know
it'll make the kids compete.

She reckons her best year was in
the secure unit when she were nine.

Knew who she was, what she was.

Didn't have to think about it.

Rest of her life
is running or being returned.

Was she pregnant when she came?

Mmm, five months.
We knitted and shopped and planned!

I thought the baby
would be the making of her.

She was too heavy to run,
then too tired.

But now she knows perfectly well

that you're besotted with him.

As far as she's concerned,
you've got two foster children.

She can come and go as she pleases.
Right. You're not a bad detective!

He saves up till you start changing
him, so watch his line of fire!

You want me to find her?

..No.

She always comes back.
That's not the problem.

Rawhide! Oh, yes!
HE MOANS

That's the spirit! Oh, I love you!

Yes! Ohhh!

Hurt me! Oh, yes! Yes!

HE MOANS IN ANTICIPATION

MOANING CONTINUES

< DOOR SLAMS

I wanted the Paul Newman film, but
I set it wrong, as usual, and got
the local news. That's the problem.

That's your Chrissie?

That's the fire at Preston last
week. What's Chrissie doing there?!

Watching.

Why?

People do. That year
she spent in the secure unit
was for setting fire to a school.

There've been two house fires
in the north west in two weeks.
Both set deliberately.

Nobody hurt –
they were away on holiday.

And both times...Chrissie
was doing one of her runners.

< Please help me, please!

< Help!

What shall I do?
Prove it's not her!

You can't prove a negative.
Find out who did it!

And if Chrissie did it?

Alice?

I can't shop her.
I'm the only person she trusts.

If I shop her, then she's nobody.

If I find out
she's burning houses, I'LL shop her.
There might be somebody home!

That's your decision.

You're taking a risk!

There is a perfectly simple
explanation to all of this,
I assure you.

Where you going?

Anywhere.

I could try to find out where she
goes and what she gets up to when
she runs away. It's a start.

Her last children's home's near by.
She still has friends there.

I'll get the address.

I hope you don't mind me asking...
I couldn't help noticing...

That hair's not your own, is it?

Cooking isn't...

Have you seen t'baby?
In't he smashing?

I'm told she won't let on
who the father is? No, she won't.

Is it because of the Child Support
wotsit, making the father pay?

Or because she slept around so
much she doesn't know? She knows!

She just won't share.

And you want to share?

You won't tell anyone, will you?

She won't let anyone share Fred.
But she keeps dumping him
and running away. Why?!

When they put you in care,
you're nothing,
so you've no respect for anything.

Maybe.

..Won't swallow up your budget.
There are alternatives to mince.

Thank you.

He's all yours. Get him to write
down cooking times, ingredients
and prices. See you. See you.

When you're free after years
in a a place like this, it's
a shock. You get into everything.

Drink, drugs, shoplifting –
quick fixes.

We're in care cos we're deprived
of love and money.

And then they wonder why
we end up on the game.

ROCK MUSIC
'News flash
for all would-be Sherlocks.

'Someone's setting
the north west alight.

'Police are convinced fires in
Preston and Bolton were deliberate,

'though seemingly motiveless,
arson attacks by the same person.

'The insurance companies
are offering a reward of £15,000

'for information
leading to an arrest.'

A week?! I hardly ever use it
these days, but even so...!

All right, Geoff!

A week. And a full tank and a clean
plug this time, please, when you
bring it back! Two helmets?

One'll do, thanks.

Put it on. Let's have a look at you.

What, now?! I'm not making
an appointment to view!

Yes! That should do nicely.

Many's the time I've turned from
3C's blackboard to glimpse you

ducking behind Deirdre Turner's
hairdo, and thought,

"One day that boy
will have his moment centre stage!"
Please stand in this hole

while I snap at you
with my faithful Instamatic.

I was going to get down there
myself. But you in that helmet,

with your "Help me,
cos I'm only small" expression

is perfect for the Record's funny
photo competition! I'll win it.

I'm relying on you.

Does Chrissie know
who her mother is?

No. She gets notions.

Someone who's been kind to her.
No real reason.

She'll track her down, hang about
till she's been rejected, give up,

start again with someone else.
Does her foster mother know?

Mrs Baynes.

No.

I think she'd be cut up.
She's more than a usual foster
mother. Fred's special for her.

Chrissie doesn't talk about it,
just runs off, then comes back.

Now we turn t'meat over.
But you know.

Yeah. What would she do
if she found her mother?

Ask questions
and hope to believe the answers.

In t'pan, please,
with the vegetables.

You swear
on little Fred's dimples that you
have no idea where Chrissie is

right now?

Casserole cover on.

And into t'oven.

Better call it...
Wainthropp's Winter Warmer,

since it was supposed to be
your grandmother's secret recipe.

Total cost, £1.50

Not that you'd bother to do it
when you could buy a bag of chips!

Well, I've certainly
learned a lot today!

HE GRUNTS AND CAMERA CLICKS

I'm not sure that amount
of panic is more humorous
than a straight face, Geoffrey!

Ask why I'm here! I could have
the name of a murderer in my pocket.

If you'd shrunk the miscreant
and put him in your bag
I'd not be surprised!

These fires, this arson.

You want the times they were seen
and by whom, names of neighbours,

and any other information we have.

I may bring a charge of wasting
our time against Radio North West,
all the DIY detectives they've sent,

asking things that'd be answered
by last week's paper in the library.

It's closed! It was open when local
radio told the listening public
about the reward. What kept you?!

I've come straight from a client.

Nobody told me about any rewards.
Straight from a client?

And you want to know about these
fires? With no hope of a reward?

I don't know what you're on about.

Then what is the connection,
Mrs Wainthropp,

between your client
and these fires?

None, I hope.

But if my investigation is blocked
by petty officialdom, pique and
man-handling, we may never know.

The name of this client?
I said I wasn't after a reward.

Not that I'm throwing in
me job and fee.

You know darn well I'm not the sort
of woman to sit on fires.

If I find a criminal offence, then
you'll be told, and quickly, too!

What do you want?
If there's another fire, I want
to know. I want to be there.

I want to be sure
somebody isn't hanging about
watching. And if they are?

Client confidentiality stops.

There's her number. When we know,
SHE knows. A member of the public?!

She's amazing. Not Miss Marple,
but... Mind like a steel trap.
More like a plate of pilchards.

You think you've done with it,
but it persists!

Ooof!

SNORING >

I do that! It's only shirts.

I don't mean the ironing!
HE SLURS: My need is greater!

If you like laundry,
there's long johns
soaking in a bucket in the kitchen.

I've done the stairs, as well.
Well, we've got the case! I don't
suppose it'll make us rich, though.

Have you been listening
to local radio? On the bus(?)
These fires – there's a reward.

I know.
We're going to need that scooter.

Do you think your friend
will let us have it?
Funny you should say that.

By chance I've borrowed it for
the week. While you were stuck here

looking after the phone? The only
problem is there's only one helmet.

Are you telling me...? You always
said I should use my initiative.

Hell's bells and little fishes!

I've only to turn me back
for ten minutes

and he's at the Dubonnet and you
start taking on cases of your own!

It's probably doing him good.

Getting out and about and making
new and exciting friendships.

Mmm!

Are staff allowed discounts
at that place, do you know?

SIRENS WAIL

PHONE RINGS
Wainthropp Detective Agency.

Eh?

Who? ..Oh, right. Police.

HUM OF VOICES

Stilettos, they were.
Well, I don't sleep...

So when I heard this tippy-tap,
tippy-tap going up the path
next door, then the letterbox,

I thought I'd better
go and have a look.

You can only see the door from
the spare room. But I heard them.

Tippy-tap, tippy-tap,
down the path and into the street.

So I scurried to the spare room, I
looked out the window, and whoosh!

Up goes the front door
in a sheet of flame!

What are we looking for?
Not stiletto heels!

Who in their right mind would wear
high heels to go setting fires?!

What, then?
I'm looking to see where I'm going.

I think I've trodden in something.
They walk dogs on this estate.
You didn't see Chrissie? No.

She wasn't there. Thank goodness.

SIREN

I can give you food
if you're hungry.

I did those people an injustice.
It's not dogs, it's plastic.

There's something written on it.

Interesting! I can feel the little
grey cells beginning to stir.

In what direction, Mrs Wainthropp?

How were the other fires started,
and maybe this? Rags in petrol.

And how would you carry them to
the scene of the crime? Plastic bag.

Plastic doesn't burn at once. It
shrivels, and bits could blow away

and stick to a shoe!
But that's forensic evidence!
The police need it.

They shall have it.
But I've got my job to do.
I've taken a case in good faith.

And there's the matter
of the reward, Geoffrey!

See if you can make it out.
Use Robert's specs.

"Family...

"Burn"!
We're dealing with a maniac here!

"Family...Butcher"!

Burnley, I expect.

It's a manner of speaking.
I don't think they do
butcher families these days.

Not even in Burnley!

Ready for breakfast?

Are you an amateur detective?
Some questions.

£50 for an interview,
£15 for photos in the house,

£10 for an Eccles cake and tea.
Where have they gone?

£5. It's a fire, Mr...Nygate,
not a mass murder.
If you've told the press,

I'll find out from the paper.
£1, then, in me hand!

50p! Done! Tenerife.

Excuse me. I'm surveying the habits
of the Ribble Valley meat eater.

Can you tell me how many carrier
bags you give away each week? None.

They're 5p. How many do you sell?

Not many. Folks don't like to pay.

Are your bags stolen? Why, when you
get 'em from t'supermarket free?

I'll ask the questions; you answer.

Can you remember
how many bags you sold yesterday,
as between men and women? No.

There'd be more women. Always are.
Look at this.

Don't get blood on it! I'll hold it.

Have you seen a young woman
like that come in recently?

No.

Thanks for your co-operation.
Now, I'd like a bag, please.

5p, you said?

I hope you don't mind
me saying this. But speaking
as an expert in market research,

if you really want to sell
those pork chops, you'd do better
with all that fat cut off.

What's she want?
Taking down a peg, in my opinion!

..Met by a man from the insurance
holding a card with their names on.

"You're under-insured," he said.
"We can't pay in full."

"Where are we to live?!
Our house is burned down!

"We should be put up
while they rebuild!"

"It's not in the policy," he says.
So they're on a trailer site
near Padiham...

< CRASH!

HORNS BLARE

You're back early!

Er...got the sack.

What for?! Oh, a bit of a
misunderstanding with some trolleys.

Is there any tea in that pot?

SHE SIGHS
I've been all round Burnley!

Back streets, town centre...

I don't know what good it's done.
None! You can't know.

Yes, I can.
Look, just take the supermarket.

There's recycling bins
and litter bins all over.

If I wanted a carrier bag
to burn down someone's house,
I wouldn't use me own!

You're too logical.
It'll make you enemies!

That's as maybe.

But I've found
a piece of your jigsaw.

..You what?

One of them couples
whose house burnt down last week.

They're on a caravan site
near Padiham.

We'll finish our tea
and eat something first.

< LAUGHTER

You don't seem too upset
at having your house burn down!

It's only possessions, in't it?

You've NO idea who might have
a grudge against you? No.

The Mitchells
thought theirs might be their
loony nephew, but he's doing time.

The Saunders one might be political.

He used to be on the council.
You know the others?
There's some connection?

Course! We live in the same
apartment block in Tenerife!

Eureka! Er...Mrs Wainthropp,
before the little grey cells
get into their stride.

Do the police know about this?

Yes, they were very interested.
I mean, three fires and all of us
in the same apartment block!

Well, it's hardly a coincidence.

GURGLING
Look, Fred!
Look what the fleet sent home!

You've been two nights! Who cares?!
I do! You've been with someone.
If you like. Did he use anything?!

Did he use a rubber?!
To rub out a mistake?!

They can do you for child abuse
these days, Mother Hubbard.

BABY GURGLES

Did she feed you?

It does seem quite clear,
Mrs Wainthropp.

Apart from that plastic, everything
we've found out, the police know.

That plastic won't run, Hetty,
I told you.

All three in the same apartment
block in Tenerife!
We can't afford the air fare!

It's not two days since the bus
to Bolton was a problem!

I have to say, Mrs Wainthropp, the
agency went into this to prove...

Was employed to prove...

A negative?

And we've proved it.
If the answer's in Tenerife,

then Chrissie can't be involved.

It'd be...dishonest...

..to go on taking
the client's money.

Very well.

I shall take this bit of plastic to
the police station in the morning,

then go and tell Alice
Chrissie has got to be in the clear
and collect our fee.

Geoffrey will return the scooter.
Case closed!

DOOR SLAMS >

He'll want a feed.
I'll give him his bottle.

I'm back. I've got milk.

Your milk stays where it is
till tests are done!

Have a bath. More than your job's
worth? I might have caught anything!

That's right!

We're not much of a job for your
talents! No, I don't like failure!

You know you're going to lose him,
don't you?

He's a child of the state, Mrs B.
A ward of court.

He was never really mine
in the first place.

BABY CRIES

You found it at the scene
and took it away?

I trod on it.
I didn't find it till we got home.
And kept it for 24 hours.

It was not under sterile conditions.
It was in the muck in the street!

Who else has touched it?

My assistant, Geoffrey.

He wanted me to hand
the bit of plastic over to you.

I took the decision to keep it.
I may have acted rashly.

And you've forfeited co-operation.

I'm asking you now, officially,
for the name of your client.

It's confidential.

And I'm now satisfied my client
had nothing to do with the fires.

You know perfectly well the
connection's somewhere in Tenerife!

They weren't STARTED in Tenerife!

Are you refusing to assist me
with my enquiries, Mrs Wainthropp?

PHONE RINGS
Very well. Go now, please.

Your potty little business exists
on my sufferance. Remember that.

It's for me mother.

Look at this! Look! Did you
ever see anything so ridiculous?!

Dunroamin on a grave!
It's not at all funny!

In extremely bad taste! Can I look
at the front page? What?!

ALICE: It's not a bit like Chrissie!
Is it even a HER, I wonder?

Remember Percy Higginbottom?
With some reluctance!

We struck poses at the back
of the stage while he pretended
to be Gladys Camiknickers!

Doing that patter he'd pinched
off the radio. He stood like that.

You're right. The knees aren't
a woman's. Too many knobbly bits.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Alice Baynes speaking.

QUIETLY:
# Why has a cow got four legs? #

Yes, right. ..Right, thank you.

She's been arrested.

Something to do with a credit card.

And for the fires.

It's a mistake! Using a stolen
credit card to obtain goods.

I don't deny that.
The girl who stole that card

was in these clothes –
we have an identification.

She wasn't there!

Can you prove it?
Look closer at that photo.

Look at those knees!

It's taken by an amateur at night.

You wouldn't know they WERE knees.

But they're below thighs
and above calves.

I knew a comedian
used to stand the same way.

You're suggesting HE started the
fires? Come along, Mrs Wainthropp!

What did I once try to teach you

about cost-effectiveness in police
work? You won't do what you can't
afford unless you're forced. Right.

If you have a suspect, don't waste
time looking for reasons why they
should NOT have committed the crime.

All suspects are guilty
until proved innocent.

Usually years after they've been
jailed or, in earlier times, hanged.
I never know when you're serious.

I don't always know myself,
to tell you the truth.

They're trying to find
a secure unit for me.

Well, you'll know
where you are then. ..Yeah.

Are you sure
you don't want to see Fred?

I've got to start
trying to forget him, haven't I?
I'm not sure that's possible.

You really are
an old bat on a broomstick

when you want to be.

'She's not guilty!'

I'll prove it! We need the scooter.
I took it back. Get it again!
Miss Apthwaite's not very pleased.

I didn't look enough like a tulip.
Don't prevaricate! I'll show you!

It was the funny photo competition.
I wasn't funny enough.
That won, not me.

She's disappointed. I've no time.
We've a case still on the boil!

Dunroamin? That's a house! That's
the house that burnt down last week.

And The Dovecote. That's the other.

74 Arbutilon Avenue.
The third house.

"Ethel...dearly beloved wife
of Stanley".

I don't think we'll bother
the police with this.

Oh...come on!

I just need the final confirmation
before we risk all and go public!

These rags may be triple-wrapped,
but I can still smell petrol!

What if we pass a heavy smoker?!

Nothing venture, nothing win.

The tape recorder's
pushing me breasts out of place!
People look at me!

Come across!

Now, you want half a pound of skirt,
to be minced while you wait.

That'll give you time
to chat him up while he's mincing.
CLICK

And in case he looks like trying
anything, I'll be right behind you.

Let us give thanks
for small mercies. Don't be cheeky!

One last word. If you see
you're penetrating his defences,

don't hesitate
to use your initiative!

Now, off you go.
HE CLOMPS

Chrissie?

..You know it's not.

What have I got here, Stanley?

Got a match?

Bit of lighted paper?
Cigarette lighter, perhaps?

STANLEY GASPS
Say something to me, Stanley.

..Even if it's goodbye.

No!

No? Shall I do another?

< SOBBING

It's all right.
They wouldn't strike. I wet them.

Is it your heart?
Do you want pills?

Was it your wife, Stanley?

Was it because of Ethel
that you did the fires?

She had emphysema.

They said the air was dry
in Tenerife.

We spent our savings
to buy a place there.

But we were cheated!

There's others
live in our apartment now!

And Ethel's...

..dead.

It wasn't ever their apartment.

The firm building the block
went bankrupt a new lot took over.

He lost his savings and had to take
that job. Lucky to get any.

And Chrissie? There's no justice.

She won't be charged.
The man doesn't want publicity.

All's well that ends well.

If you like.
It seems I owe you an apology.

You do.

Well, I'm offering it.

Well, I'm accepting it.

APPLAUSE
Thank you very much!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

# I'm Burlington Bertie,
I rise at 10:30

# And saunter along like a toff

# I walk down the Strand
with me gloves on me hand

# Then I walk down again
with them off

# I'm all airs and graces,
correct, easy paces

# Without food so long
I've forgot where me face is

# I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt

# Though my people are well-off,
you know

# Nearly everyone knows me

# From Smith to Lord Rosebery

# I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow! #

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Alison Bonomi, IMS,
for BBC Subtitling, 1996