All language subtitles for Columbo---S02E08---Double Shock

I came here, I think,
to make an arrest.

- [Woman] I'll kill him.!
- You didn't even have a motive.

I stand to inherit half of his estate.

There's something about
your uncle's death that's very disturbing.

- What am l, some kind of suspect?
- Well, you could've had him killed.

- Does that put me on your list?
- Do you think that your brother is guilty?

Norman could have shoved Lisa
right off the balcony.

We were supposed
to come down two years ago,
but my wife switched sides...

and voted with my in-laws,
we ended up in Animal Land.

- You're a bum!
- Would you mind too much
coming with me to the bathroom?

[Clanking]

[Buzzes]

[Yells]
Good hit.

- [Buzzes]
- Good touch.

Ah, finally.

Showing your years, Mike.
Showing your years.

Not so.
You just refuse to show yours.

[Laughs]

[Cries Out]
Touch�.
[Buzzer Buzzes]

Take care of the body, Mike,
and the body takes care of you.

Oh, yes.
I know, I know, I know.

Protein, Mike, protein.

Better than those doubles
you had before lunch. En garde.

Touch�. Good hit.
[Buzzer Buzzes]

Good hit.
A pleasure always.

Ah, Mike, you're too much
for me today.

Hi there, bridegroom.
Bridegroom.
Ah, Dexter. How are you?

How about that old guy, huh?
Is he wild? Is he wild?

- Hello, Dexter.
- Glad you stopped by, Dexter.

Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss
shaking hands with an old goat like you...

who's good enough to snare
a beautiful chick like... [Snaps Fingers]
What's her name?

- [Laughs]
- Hey, where's the honeymoon gonna be?

Dexter, your uncle
is getting married tomorrow.

It's not the same as
going out for a night on the town.

Oh, relax, Michael.
Don't argue semantics.

My nephew stopped by
to wish me well.

I rather hoped you might bring
your brother Norman with you.

Well... [Exhales] if Norman were to come...
which I hope he does, by the way...

it certainly would not be with me.

Still? You're two grown men, Dexter,
for heaven's sake.

Mr. Hathaway, you're
a very nice man and you happen
to be an excellent attorney.

But the day you can make a merger
between me and my beanbag brother,

that is the day they'll appoint you
to the Supreme Court.

Uncle, good luck to you,
you old rou�.
Thank you, Dexter.

When you come back from
your honeymoon, I want
a nice, home-cooked blowout.

Don't let Mrs. Peck
hear you say that.

Hey, wow, I got stuff in the oven.
I'm baking some stuff for her to
take over to her sister's house.

Don't let him wear you out,
Mr. Hathaway.
He already has, Dexter. Already has.

Take care, Uncle.
Glad you stopped by, boy.
Take care.

Well, Michael, let's get at it.
I know what
I'd like to get at.

A nice, cold martini.
Yes, I know, Michael.
En garde!

** [Humming]

Ah, look at them.
Look at them.

Beautiful. Les Tartes Strawberre
� la Dexter Paris.

Exactly as prepared on
my little Thursday cooking show
for all my hypoglycemic housewives.

You know what your uncle would say
if he could see that display.

He'd give you a big nutritional zero
and throw them in the garbage can,

right along
with that TV show of yours.

No, he wouldn't.
You know why, you gorgeous thing?

Because in about an hour,
you're going to sneak down to your car
and take them to your sister's house,

and you and she will pull down
the shades, lock the doors...

and devour each and every one
of those little things, right?

Well, Betsy has a sweet tooth.
[Exaggerated Laugh]
Oh, Betsy does, huh?

Look at this mess. Will you
get out of here, and I'll clean this up
so the cook won't quit.

Come on. Cheer up, will ya?
Don't you realize my uncle's girlfriend's
gonna pick him up tonight,

whisk him away to some teenage
health resort and marital bliss...

and return and take all these dismal
kitchen chores right away from you?

Well, I think it's disgusting.
That's what I think.

She's young enough
to be his granddaughter. That snip.

And if she thinks
she can take better care of that man
than I've been taking for 30...

Come on.
Come on, you feisty creature you.

Don't you know no one
can do without you around here?

Oh, you're soft-soaping me.
I am not.

Oh, here now. I'll thank you
to dribble those crumbs
on somebody else's floor.

I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.

You old phony grumpy.
Have a nice vacation, eh?

Mmm. Great.
Go.

[Door Opens, Closes]

[Engine Starts]

I'll call you as soon as
we get back, Michael.

All right, and I wanna go over
those oil lease agreements.
Oh, good.

Well, my very best
to your bride, Clifford.
Thank you, Michael.

I guess now we'll really find out
what kind of shape you're in.
[Laughs]

Good-bye, Mrs. Peck.
Good-bye, Mr. Hathaway.

I thought you were going to
your sister's, Mrs. Peck.

Well, l-I thought I should stay around
in case you needed something.

After all, I'm the only one
who knows where everything is.

Although, I suppose
your young bride-to-be
won't need me.

Now, Mrs. Peck, you have been
the mistress of this house
and you always shall be.

Lisa wouldn't have it any other way.
So you lock up and go on.

[Lock Clicks]

She claims it's just a head cold.
I hope to heaven that's all it is.

What if it's not?
Dr. Werbel, supposing it's something l...

- Supposing it's something serious.
- Supposing it is.

You're notjust a fullback anymore,
playing for glory on some football field.

You're also a doctor now, Rocky,

and if you're not cold and hard
and tough enough...

tojustify the faith and confidence
of your patients,

you can hand me your stethoscope,
Rocky, right now.

- Hello again, Uncle.
- Well, Dexter, what a surprise.

Not as surprised as I was when I realized
I'd forgotten your wedding present.

Here it is,
just an ordinary electric mixer.

Well, my-my goodness.
[Chuckles]

A plain, everyday...

kitchen utensil.

Blend, mix, whip.

But it's more than that.
Much more than that, Uncle.

Well, l-I'm not very fond of appliances,
but thank you.

[Laughs]
You're welcome.

Uncle, you're gonna get
a real charge out of this.

[TV Off]
Well, what?

[Knob Clicking]
Oh, please.
Don't go off.

- Well, what in heaven's name?
- Sinofron is dangerous. I won't agree.

Dr. Werbel, you've had 30 years
as a general practitioner.

I'm new. I'm green.
You're purple.

Tell me, what can I do?

What can any of us ever do, Roger?

Oh, we can, I suppose,

be grateful for little Maryanne's
coming to us with a head cold.

If she hadn't, we might never have known
she was a terminal case until it was all over.

Please wait.
I'll just be a minute or two.

Oh.
[Doorbell Rings]

Mrs. Peck, how nice to see you.
Is Mr. Paris ready?

I'll tell him you're here.
Good.

Oh, never mind.
I'll just scoot on up.

Please. I do think
you'd better let me fetch him.
He may not be quite dressed.

Why, Mrs. Peck, you're talking like
we were a couple of children.
[Snaps Fingers]

[Giggling]

Clifford. Clifford.

I got a taxi waiting.

Clifford.

Are you decent?
[Knocks]

Well, ready or not...

Oh.

He's not upstairs at all.
I even checked his bathroom.

** [Humming]
Could be in
the new gym, I suppose.

I bet it's that electric bicycle
I got for him. Oh, isn't he
absolutely adorable.

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]
I'll bet he's down there
right now just rowing away.

[Whirring]

Oh, there you are, you silly.
Now, why aren't you...

Clifford. Clifford, would...

Clifford.

Cliffiord.!

[Sobbing]

Hey, Lieutenant.
How are you?

Well... [Loud Yawn]

Believe me, I know just how you feel.
Dobrinsky, I don't even
know how I feel.

Give me a handkerchief.
Lieutenant, you-you got a handkerchief?

Open the door, Dobrinsky, will ya?

You got one?

Who is she?
Victim's, uh, fianc�e.

Supposed to be
their wedding night.
Oh. Isn't that awful.

Yeah.
What'd he die of?

Coronary.
What are we doing here?

Well, she called us hysterical.

Said something about everybody's after
the old fellow's money,

and that, uh, he was too healthy
to die like that, so...

Mmm. What'd you say?
Old fellow?
Yeah.

Boy, old fellow
has a lovely fianc�e.

Oh, yes. Old fellow have
nice, young fianc�e. Old fellow
drop dead of a heart attack.

You have my handkerchief?
No, she's got it.

Oh.
Well, anyway. Come on. We have to
go through the motions, huh?

What'd she do?
She kept it?
I don't know.

His chest was about here.
Mm-hmm.

Left leg rotating.
Mm-hmm.

Both arms hanging down.
Mm-hmm.

That's about it.
Mm-hmm.

Then, um,
when Mr. Hathaway...

came up from the gym with him,
he went upstairs.

l-I thought
he was going to change...

to get ready for...

Do you have any idea at all
what time that that would be?

You-You must belong
in some pigsty.

Do you do that in your own home?
Do you?

I'm sorry, ma'am.
Forgive me. I'm awfully sorry.
I didn't realize that I was doing that.

This is Mrs. Peck.
Dropping ashes from
a stinking cigar.

Let me see if I can
clean that up for you.
Stop that!

You're rubbing it in!
Oh, forgive me, ma'am.
I didn't realize.

You know, sometimes it's a habit.
Let me see if I can clean that up.
This house...

What I'll do is I'll get this spray
and I'll...
[Glass Shatters]

[Screams, Sobs]

You broke Mr. Paris's pitcher.

[Sobbing]
Get him out ofhere.!

Mrs. Peck.
Get him out.!

Come over here for a minute.
Will you please?
Get him out.!

[Revs Engine]

[Exhales]

And I just took off. I waved good-bye
to Mrs. Peck and drove away.
Mm-hmm.

I mean, he was as healthy
as a horse when I saw him.
He was in the gym. He was fencing.

It's-It's inconceivable.
I can't believe it. Hello.

Well, thank you very much, Mr. Paris.
Thank you.

Mrs. Peck.
May I come in?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.
Who might you be?

How do you do? Dexter Paris.
Mr. Paris's nephew.

I hope it's okay I'm here.
Mrs. Peck phoned me
and I came over.

Oh, listen, I'm glad you came.

I mean, uh, well, things like this,
they can be awfully rough on everybody.

[Clears Throat]
Officer, I'm afraid
I have to apologize for my conduct.

I was very overbearing.
Ma'am, please,
accept my apologies.

What happened was this.
I came here with a cigar,
and I didn't realize it, and, uh...

Anyway, l, uh...

I dropped some ashes
on the floor down in the gym,

and, uh, it was very clean down there,
very clean.

In fact, the whole house is spotless.
Upstairs and down...

- You said upstairs.
- Uh, l...

Well, now, ma'am,
I am the police officer
and I deemed it reasonable...

That's one of Mr. Paris's towels
that you have.

Yes. Yes, it is.

I'm gonna be flat out with you, ma'am.
I was upstairs looking around.

I wanted to throw some water
on my face... you know, just sort of
clear my head, you know?

And, uh...

I used Mr. Paris's bathroom...
for a minute.

I was very careful.
That's very brave of you
to admit, Lieutenant.

What were you planning to do,
dry your face on the way
down the stairs? Was that your plan?

No, no. I used
that very nice hand towel up there.
I hope you don't mind.

But this towel was in the hamper
and damp. See? Feel.

- Oh, I believe you.
- Uh, Mrs. Peck.

I would like to tell you something.
This house is always immaculate.

At 4:00 p.m. today,
every towel in Mr. Paris's bathroom
was clean and dry and in its place.

I checked personally. I do not allow
damp towels to remain in the hamper.

And that I believe, ma'am.
I certainly do believe that.

But, um, this towel
was in the hamper.

I swear. And damp. Very damp.
And I was just wondering...

Wait a minute. What difference
does it make if it was in the hamper?
I don't understand...

Excuse me. Uh, Lieutenant,
could I see you for a minute?

What did you want, Murray?

Well, now, what do l...
what do I tell the coroner?

I think you better tell him
an autopsy.

- An autopsy?
- Shh. Please.

I don't wanna upset her
any more than she is. Please.
She's a very emotional person.

What do you mean autopsy? Now, did
my uncle die on his exercising machine
of a heart attack or didn't he?

I mean, what's this autopsy business?
Well, that's what
Lt. Columbo has to decide right now.

Like hell he does.
I am the next of kin,
my brother and I.

I understand that.
I am not signing any authorization
for an autopsy, nor will my brother.

It's still up to the lieutenant here,
you understand?
Why is it up to him?

Homicide.
Look, now, I'm sure there's nothing there.
Nothing at all.

I think autopsy, Murray.
It is really just routine, Mr. Paris.
You got it. Good night, Mr. Paris.

Look, uh, Murray, before you go,
I don't wanna have to trouble
Mrs. Peck anymore.

What did she say about
the burglar alarm system?

Oh, yeah.
I noticed the switch
on the way down from upstairs.

Yeah. I asked her about that.
Burglar alarm was set for about 7:30 p.m.,
somewhere around there.

That's the same routine they followed
since it was installed.
That was, like, 14 years ago.

Okay. Before you go, have somebody
check the burglar alarm system
and check out all the windows.

Let 'em keep an eye out
for footprints.
Okay.

Thank you, Murray.

Lieutenant, just what is this about?
Why this sudden investigation?

Look, Mr. Paris, it would be a big help
if you and I could go to the gym.

Uh, that way, you could, you know,

show me around without Mrs. Peck
getting upset again, you know what I mean?

[Grunts]
Boy, oh, boy. Your uncle
must have been in terrific shape.

Fifty pounds.
[Weights Clatter]

Lieutenant, would you mind
telling me why you think
an autopsy is necessary?

Well, there are a couple of things
that bother me.

I wonder why he came down here
for a workout right when he was
supposed to leave to get married?

Does that seem odd?
No, the man had an insatiable appetite
for life, for exercise.

What can I tell you?
But he just got done fencing
with his attorney.

I mean, a whole bunch of fencing,
then right away down here without stop
for another session with all this?

Boy, oh, boy, that is robust.
Indeed, but the man was
a health nut.

I mean, this very place was
a storeroom three months ago.

He had it converted
for himself and his bride-to-be.

Yeah, I saw her.
She's extremely healthy too.

Oh, yes.
[Chuckles]
That machine new?

Reasonably so. Why?

Just curious. Could we go up
to your uncle's bathroom?

Lieutenant, will you mind
telling me what's bothering you?

Mr. Paris, frankly, sir,

there's something about
your uncle's death that's very disturbing.

You mean, something-something
about the heart attack?

That's what's bothering me, sir.
I'm not completely sure
it was a heart attack at all.

- That's what the autopsy's for.
- Well, if not a heart attack, what?

- Well, I don't know.
- Why not a heart attack?

Could we go up to your uncle's bathroom?
I'll show you.

[Exhales Forcefully]
Yeah.

Do you see what
I'm getting at, Mr. Paris?

A damp towel in the hamper,
and a damp piece of soap in the soap dish.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

I mean, you've deduced
my uncle took a bath.

Every civilized person I know
takes a bath after strenuous exercise.
Now, don't you?

Always.
[Door Opens]

The doors and windows
are okay, Lieutenant.

I mean, there's no sign
of any kind of jimmy work.

But there was a footprint
outside Mrs. Peck's window.

I didn't see or hear anything.
I was watching TV.

Mrs. Peck, are you absolutely sure
that you turned on
the burglar alarm system tonight?

I mean, are you sure that
no one came into the house
until you let Miss Chambers in?

Right. You are sure.
That's very good. Thank you very much.

Now, Lieutenant, that footprint.
Whoever it was was not wearing shoes,
and it looks like he has flat feet.

Okay?

Lieutenant, I know you're trying to
drum up a homicide case feverishly,

but certainly,
you-you can't believe that Mrs. Peck
could do anything like that?

No, no, no.
I was never considering Mrs. Peck.

But she was the only one
in the house.
Hmm, that's the way it looks.

Unless there's something
in that footprint.

I thought flat feet were peculiar
to your business, Lieutenant.

You know, that's not true.
In fact, I have never met a cop
with flat feet.

You take my feet.
I have terrific arches.

My doctor tells me
I have an exceptional arch.

He says 30 years in the business,
he's never seen an arch like my arch.
I believe you.

No, really. Take off your shoe,
compare your arch with my arch.
You'll see what I mean.

Really, take offi your shoe.
Compare your arch to this arch.

You see, now that's not a cop's arch.
Lieutenant.

Let's compare arches.
May I make it easy for you?

Yes, sir.

I'm sure you've surmised that my brother
and I stand to inherit my uncle's estate,
which is about $3 million, right?

Yes, sir, I gathered that.

I also have flat feet.
No kidding?

[Laughs]
You really are... You really are...

He's really trying to make this
seem like there's foul play.

- It's incre... Incredible.
- Well, you have to admit
there's something peculiar.

Why would somebody do a lot of fencing,
come in here and take a bath,

and then right away run down to the gym
and do another exercise session?

I don't understand that.
Do you understand that?

[Door Opens]

Norman.

Lieutenant, this is
my loving brother, Norman.

Mrs. Peck informs me
you're considering an autopsy?

Norman, Lt. Columbo
is a full-fledged sleuth.

Homicide. He suspects foul play.

From you?

At the risk ofbeing officious, Lieutenant,

uh, I think an autopsy might be
a very-very good idea indeed.

You know, uh, Lieutenant, we are
very identical twins, Norman and I.

He, too, has flat feet.

[Laughs]

530, 540, 5 50,

5 50... $5 54,000.

5 54,000 cash.
Would you please sign this, Mr. Paris?

Certainly.
You all right, Lieutenant?

Oh, yes, sir, I'm fine.
It's just that I haven't been around
so much money in my whole life.

You get used to it.
You do?

So, it wasn't ordinary heart failure
after all, hmm?

Uh, no, sir. No, it wasn't.
No, they call it, uh, ventricular fibril...

Fibrillation.

I know that word
and I can never pronounce it.

Anyway, severe heart seizure.
That's what it is.

You know, a strong blow.
Some kind of shock. Things like that.

George, you have
some paperwork to do?
Oh, yes, sir. Excuse me.

Some kind of shock, you say?
Psychological or physical?

Uh, well, it could be
either one in a man his age.

Yes, but what about tension
or garden-variety overexertion?
I mean, in a man his age.

Uh, well, yes, uh, yes.

I gotta tell you, I'd be a nervous wreck
if I had to work around all this money.
I mean, the responsibility.

What you mean is you're measuring
my traits and responses against
those of my brother. Not so?

Why would I do that?
Why not?

Because you're sniffing around
for a suspect to a possible homicide.

Again not so?
You are a very logical man.

Boy, are you logical.
Yes, but let me tell you
what I am not.

I'm neither flighty nor a dilettante,
neither unreliable nor a low-life sponger...

who chases women and dreams of
inheriting other people's wealth.

Now that, I trust, will end
any comparison between
my brother and myself...

and any conjecture as to
who the logical suspect might be.

Good day.
Mr. Paris.

There's one other thing
I wanted to talk to you about.
It's rather personal.

Yes, I know. Because my uncle died
before his marriage, I stand to inherit
half ofhis estate.

But, as to that being any sort of motive,
let me point out...

that I am wealthy in my own right,

with neither wife nor
darling kiddies to encumber me.

And if, in fact, I were possessed
of a criminal mind,

I would find it much,
much simpler to embezzle...

than to kill my uncle for it,

which is more than
I can say for my brother.

Now, if you'll excuse me, uh,

I have exactly 47 minutes
to catch a plane to San Francisco.

Good day.

Boy, that's wonderful.
How do you hold it so long?

Don't your ears ring or anything
like that, all that blood
rushing to your head?

That's what it's for.
Feeds the brain.

I consider it essential
to feed the brain twice a day.

- I hope you don't mind waiting.
- No, not at all. No, I enjoy watching.

Well, why don't you come out here
and I can hear you a little better.

Oh, fine.

Mind if I ask you a few questions now?
No.

Ma'am, I know that you gave us
a full report on what happened
the night of Mr. Paris's death,

but I did have a couple of
short little questions... very short.

I suppose you did know
Mr. Paris's two nephews?

Oh, Dexter I knew.
The other one I think is a banker.

They're not exactly on speaking terms.

I was looking forward to meeting...

- Well, after the honeymoon...
- Ma'am, I'm very sorry to have to
bring any of this up.

I know it must be
a very painful time for you.

No, no.

Actually,
it's a challenging time for me.

It's a time when you want to draw from
that-that interspacial life force,

and, well, I think Cliffiord
understood it better than I.

He also understood our bodies. Oh.
He loved our bodies.

I guess people snickered at us a little.

You know,
spring in the lap of December.

But you know something, Mr. Columbo?
There's no age barrier in feeling
comfortable with somebody.

Oh, I'm sure there isn't, ma'am.
Sure there isn't.

Um, you exercise often, do you?
[Horn Honks]

Yeah. Well, morning
and, uh, evening.

Wonderful.

That's wonderful.
Uh, I wanted to ask you,
if you don't mind...

Uh, thank you.

Did Mr. Paris get along pretty well
with his nephews?
Do you know about that?

Did he prefer one to the other,
something like that?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, he, uh...

He wanted them to...

What did he want 'em to do?

I guess he just wanted them to love
and understand each other. That's all.

Well, I don't know what kind
of answers I'm supposed to give
to this investigation.

- What am l, some kind of suspect?
- Oh, no.

Oh, no, ma'am. Not at all.
Don't worry even thinking about that.

You make me very uncomfortable.
Well, I didn't mean to
do that, ma'am.

I'm sorry.

You know, even if Mr. Paris's death
should turn out for certain to be...

from something other than natural causes,
you didn't even have a motive.

For instance, if you two were married,
then you'd stand to inherit
all ofhis money, for instance.

You see, that would be a motive.

If I demanded that
you leave this house right now,
would you have to?

Well, I'm not sure, ma'am.

Is there something or some thing that
you're afraid that I might ask you about?

It's just that I request
on my rights that
you please leave this house.

Certainly, ma'am. Apparently, I said
something inadvertently, Miss Chambers.

I'm sorry I did that because I think
you're a very nice lady.

[Applause]

And now, my friends,
upward and onward to the simple,
but incredibly delectable hollandaise.

An inexpensive magic which transforms
your lowly, mundane vegetables
into a gourmet delight.

It's really so simple, folks, that
even your husband can prepare it.

Now, I would like,
as I have in the past,

to ask somebody from the audience
to volunteer and come up here.

Hands up.
Ladies, put your hands down.

[Chuckles]
I would like a gentleman
to raise his hand.

Is there a gentleman in the audience
who would like to volunteer
and come up here to help me demonstrate?

How about you, sir?
[Chuckles]
How about you?

I see a gentleman in the audience
that, uh...

Let's follow me around here.

Keep the camera on me.
Here we are.

Uh, this gentleman over here.
How about you, sir?

Oh.
Come. Really.

Oh, no.
[Scattered Laughter]

Go ahead!
I think he's shy.
Let's help him.

Come on.
Let's hear it.

We won't take no for an answer.
Here we go.

[Applause Increases]
Here we go. Yes, sir.

Come on. Let's hear it, folks.
Come on. Up. Hey.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I have a confession to make.
This happens to be a friend of mine.

Not a very close friend,
but one who does, in fact,

qualify, uh,
as someone's husband.

This happens to be Lt. Columbo
of the L.A.P.D.,

who is your everyday, average, typical,
downtrodden American husband.

Don't you agree?

Now, Lieutenant,
I would like you to help me.

Now, this is a Dexter Paris,
number 91, multispeed blender.

These are other ingredients
you find in most kitchens,
I'm sure even in yours.

We have four eggs...
Relax, Lieutenant.
It's gonna be all right.

Four eggs.

We have some salt,
some pepper,

some butter
and some lemon juice.

Now, uh, let me take this off,
make you more comfortable, all right?

And let's take your coat off too.
The jacket. All right, that's enough.

[Laughs]
All right. Now, I have something here
to make you much more comfortable...

and a little neater, perhaps.

Lieutenant, you want me
to help you tie that?
Yes, please.

Good. Let me, uh, take it
around this way. I think it's...

All right, Lieutenant.
He's a man with his own mind.

Uh, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

Now, I'd like you to separate
the yolks from the whites of the eggs...

and put them in the blender,
all right?

Now, while you're doing that,
I'm going to take this half cup of butter...

Lieutenant,
I'll take this half cup of butter,
and I will heat it in this frying pan.

Now, uh, you think
you can do that?
I don't know. I'll try.

All right, then, uh,
get cracking.

Is that my camera?
That...

[Laughs]
You're on television.

All right now.
All right.

I'll heat this up meantime.

And you better get cracking,
Lieutenant.

I'll get cracking, yeah.
All right.
All right.

Uh, no, just the yolks.

What do you mean, just the yolk?
This goes in here, doesn't it?

No, no. Wait. No, no.
You have to separate...
Let me show you what I mean.

You separate...

the yolks from the whites,
you see, by doing that.

Then you just put the yolks
in there like that.
Oh, I got it. All right.

There we are.

That's very good.
That's very good!

That's amazing.
You must do a little cooking
at home, huh?

Uh...

"Uh" what?
[Laughing]

You're doing very well though,
I must say.
Thank you.

Uh...

Can't you say anything else,
Lieutenant?

Uh...
[Audience Laughing]

I think that's great.
You amuse me, Lieutenant.

Yeah. Uh...

Oh, please forgive me.
That's very good.
For a job well done.

No! Put it in there.

Take the bows after.

All right.
All right.
Oh, I broke this one.

It's all right.
It don't make any difference.
Nobody saw it.

[Audience Laughing]
Huh?

That's fine.
All right. One more.

One more.
And we separate those.
I'm getting sloppy with this thing.

That's fine. That's okay.
There we are.

Wi... Wipe your hands off.
Thank you very much.

All right. Now, what about
a little lemon juice?

Put a little lemon juice in there.
All right.

I'll put the butter in.
A little more.

A little bit more.
Little bit more.

Perfect. Okay!

Butter.
Now a little dash of salt.
Salt.

Gee, I'm getting
to enjoy this.
I know.

A little pepper.
[Laughing]

Okay, that's great.
Now, why don't you
turn on the blender.

Right here?
Right there.

There we go.

Now, while that's blending,
I'll put this in here like this.

And that's just about right.

Why don't we just take this off.
Wanna hold that?

Sure.
Whoops.
I said turn that off.

[Audience Laughing]
Magic.

Oh! I'm terribly sorry!
You...

That was your fault.
I know it was.

Mmm.
Too much pepper, I think.

[Audience Laughing]
It is.

**[Piano]
Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
but that's that fateful music.

Yes, you gorgeous gaggle
of gals out there,

it's time to say good-bye
for today.

And remember...
[French Accent]
When ze husband comes home tonight,

let him know
what wonderful eating
can do for the marriage.

This is Dexter Paris saying,
"Mwah!"

Bye-bye, ladies.
See you tomorrow.
Thank you, Lieutenant.

**[Piano Continues]

**[Ends]

Well, you know,
I can't believe
this really happened.

I mean, appearing on TV like this?
I was very nervous.
Now, calm yourself.

Could you notice?
You were fine.

My hand was shaking.
When I broke the egg,
I was nervous.

You were fine.
[Chuckling]
No, really.

Mr. Paris, this was
a very, very big moment.

You were an asset to the show.
Believe me.
I looked all right then?

You looked fine.
Photographically?

You looked wonderful.
I didn't say much.

I don't remember saying anything.
What's on your mind, Lieutenant?

I remember coming around this corner,
and then, from there on in, nothing.
I couldn't remember.

You know, my wife cooks
all your recipes?

When I first met you,
I didn't mention that I really
knew who you were,

but when I went home,
I told her...

Well, she absolutely fell down.
She's a big fan of yours.

I forgot to say hello.

I was so nervous,
I forgot to say hello.

Isn't that something?
She'll kill me.
Lieutenant, what's on your mind?

You know
what the problem is?

Whenever she tries
one of your recipes,
it's a disaster.

A total disaster.
And she follows your instructions
to the letter. Believe me.

Disaster.
I don't know what it is.

But the souffl� falls down,
the cake hardens.
You name it. Disaster.

You know what I told her?
I told her it was the equipment.

Lieutenant, I'm afraid I'm gonna
be out of my teens by the time
this conversation gets anywhere.

Do you ever recommend any equipment,
like say, for instance, a mixer?

You know,
one of those small electrical mixers
that you hold in your hand?

No, I'm not permitted to endorse
any products by brand names, no.
I'm sorry.

Oh, I didn't know that. Oh.

Well, uh, you know,
I did wanna tell you,

they've definitely established now
that your uncle passed away
from an electrical shock.

I thought you should
be aware of that.

Oh. I... don't understand.

I mean, uh... You mean
from the exercise machine?

No. I sent an electrician out there.
The machine works
absolutely perfectly.

Well, that doesn't
make any sense.

I mean...
do you have any ideas?

Yes, sir, I do.

Seems reasonably certain to me
that your uncle was murdered.

Oh, come on, Columbo.
Come on!

This melodramatic sleuthing
is driving me crazy.

Look, I don't...
I don't like being rude,
Lieutenant,

but I really must go.

For instance,
that upstairs bathtub...

If somebody went in there
and, let's say, dropped
an electrical appliance in there,

in that bathtub,
during a time when it
was occupied, I mean.

Look, you come in here
with the subtlety of a train wreck,

and you ask me
what electric mixers I use.

I didn't wanna bother you personally,
but I checked with your secretary.

She told me you ordered up
two brand-new mixers
only last week.

[Laughing]
My brother put you up to it, right?

No, sir. No, he didn't.

One, two.

Yeah, my brother's beautiful.
He's beautiful.
I'm sure he put it to you.

Oh, I can see him now.
Yes, my brother.

"Dexter? Unreliable.
Dilettante.

"Waiting for Uncle to die
so he can feed off his millions.

"Yes. If you want a suspect, I suggest
you keep an eye on him, Lieutenant.

Must go now.
Terribly sorry. Toodle-oo."

- How was that? Close?
- Close? That was terrific!

Yeah.
You're very talented.
No, I mean that.

Thank you.
And you're right.
That's pretty much what he said.

Let me ask you a question.
Did you hurl the same
defamatory remarks at him?

He doesn't seem to have much
of a motive to kill your uncle, sir.

I mean, he's established.

He has money ofhis own.
Let me tell you something, Lieutenant.

My brother happens to be
a creature of habit.

Today is Wednesday, correct?

Did he happen to tell you
he was gonna fly to San Francisco
on a business trip?

Yes. That's amazing.
Yes, he did.

Yeah, I thought so.

You doing anything
for the next couple of hours?

Come on.
Where are we going?

We're gonna visit my brother,
see his motive.

[Man Yells]

How long has this
been going on?
First time in Vegas, huh?

Uh, we were supposed to
come down two years ago,

but my wife switched sides
and voted with my in-laws.

We ended up in Animal Land.
It was nothing like this.

See that second crap table
over there? Over there.

Recognize anybody?

[Croupier]
Seven.! The winner.!

Norman.
Right.

He tells me
he's going to San Francisco.
That's right.

This is his San Francisco trip?

He comes here every Wednesday,
in rain or shine,
in sickness or in health.

Mostly in sickness.

Hey, you liked
the last impersonation
I did of him?

You're gonna love this one.
Come on. Come on!
Where? What?

Well, well, Mr. Paris.

I believe this is the first time
in three years I've seen you
without a necktie on.

What can I do
for you today?

I'm not here to beg
another credit extension,

but this gentleman is willing
to advance me sufficient funds
to help me diminish...

my indebtedness
to this establishment.
Just one minute, Norman.

I'm willing to do that, ma'am.
I'd like to know how much
he owes first, exactly.

Do you have that on file?
Yes, of course.
We have that one right here.

We have markers for Mr. Paris...

totaling $3 7, 500.

That enough evidence?
That is what you said, huh, Columbo?

Huh?

Come on.

[Croupier]
Seven.! A loser.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

[Croupier]
New shooter. Don't forget
your big six and your big eight, folks.

That's me too.

Here we go.

Craps.! A loser.

Comin'up, a new shooter.
Get your bets down.

Don't forget your big six
and your big eight, folks.

Don't forget your pass line.
Here we go.

Get your bets down, folks.
A new shooter.

Shooter comin'up.
Here we go now.

- Care to make a bet, sir?
- Watch your hands.

Watch your hands, folks.

Eight, the number.
Easy eight.

Seven.! A loser.

Put your bets down, folks.

A shooter comin'up.

Beautiful.

Just beautiful.

Hmm. Beautiful.
Just beautiful.

I didn't know how gorgeous
this stuff was...
If you please!

Uh... yes, Lieutenant.
I'm sorry.

Mr. Paris was
a very shrewd collector.

This stuff
is worth a fortune, huh?

Well, that's what these gentlemen
and I are trying to determine.

I was Mr. Paris's
business manager
as well as his attorney,

so I'm responsible
for all these assets.

Listen, I don't want to
get in the way or anything,
so you just tell me.

I know that's a big responsibility
to have all this, uh...

all these lovely artifacts,
things of such beauty.

There's a lot more to the estate
than just this house.

Are you close
to the nephews at all?
No, not really.

But Dexter's useless,

and Norman's rather pompous.

Excuse me.

[Slams Object On Table]

She practically raised
both boys.

She has more love for the family
than the family does.

I think she hates me.
I really feel that.

I bet she's very strong.

Yes, it is. It's a shame
that the two brothers
don't get along like that.

Which one of them
do you suspect?
I beg your pardon?

[Chuckling]
Come now, Lieutenant.

Well, sir, the trouble there is
it seems to me that they both
have pretty good motives.

I'm very big on motive.
Mm-hmm. Norman's
gambling debts, you mean.

You know about that?
Mmm. I just made sure
the old man never found out.

He was awfully proud
of Norman.

But Norman wasn't there
that day, remember?
Dexter was.

He came while Clifford
and I were fencing.
Don't touch that, please!

That's a rather valuable
little piece.
Oh. Sorry.

Has your department visited
Lisa Chambers at all?

Must have been
really tough on her.

The funny thing about that...
when I spoke to her,
she was very nervous,

sort of defensive.

Would she have any reason
that you know of to maybe help...

or maybe protect
either one of the two brothers?

Protect them?
I don't think
she even knows them.

Oh, met Dexter
once or twice perhaps, but no,
I wouldn't think so, Lieutenant.

Thank you very much
for your courtesy, Mr. Hathaway.

We're going to check out
every possibility.
Including myself, I trust.

I wouldn't want
to feel slighted.

To be frank, sir,
we haven't slighted you.

Man dies without a will, well,

we know that whoever manages
an estate of this size
can do pretty well by it.

I certainly hope to.

- Does that put me on your list?
- We checked out where you went
after your fencing match with Mr. Paris.

You really couldn't
have killed anybody
from that attorneys' banquet.

Well, it's always flattering
to be considered, however briefly.

Right. Of course,
you could've had him killed.

But I really don't put you very high
on the list of suspects.

Nice talking with you, sir.
[Clattering]

Bum! You're a bum!

Putting your stinking cigar butt
in this silver antique dish!

Do you see this? Oh!

I thought it was an ashtray.

I have one at home
that looks exactly like that.
Would you excuse me for a moment?

Excuse me.

Mrs. Peck?

Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor
introduction of myself to you.
I know that.

I'm a stranger in your house
that you love, and I'm here to do
something that's not pleasant,

so I don't expect you
to like me.

But I have feelings too,
Mrs. Peck.

I'm sorry about being untidy.
That's something I can't control.

That's a fault of mine
that l-I don't know...
I just can't correct that.

I've tried many years.
I'm just very untidy.
That's my nature.

But I've never been...
I've never been rude to you,
Mrs. Peck.

And if you keep on treating me
like I'm an enemy...

just because I'm here trying
to find who killed the man
that you worked for for 33 years,

well, then I think
you're a very unfair person.

Lieutenant Columbo.

Lieutenant,

I know that you're
a very hardworking officer...

and I would like to offer you
a plate of...

Mr. Paris's favorite health cookies
and a glass of milk.

Well, thank you.
I'm extremely fond of health cookies.

And then what?

Well, nothing.

Well, the bell rang,
and I let Miss Chambers in.

She had a cab waiting.

Maybe there's some little thing...
I mean really little.

A noise maybe?

Well, the TV there
went off for a minute.

The TVwent off?

Well, it came back on again
in a few seconds.

It's not worth mentioning,
except that the color
hasn't been the same since.

Oh. Well, I'm an expert
on fine-tuning.

What I mean is, you know,
I know what those repairmen get.

See, I got stung a couple of times,
and I went down to the supermarket...

and I bought one
of those instructional manuals
and I really studied it up.

So if you don't mind,
may I take a look at this,
see what I can do for you?

- Uh, no.
- Huh?

When the TV set went off,
did the lights go off too?

Well, I didn't have any lights on
in here at all.

Of course, I don't know
about the rest of the house.
But it was only 20 seconds.

I'm sure it wasn't...

Do you remember exactly when it was
that the set went flooey?

Yes, I remember exactly...

because I was hammering
on the TV,

and I saw the clock,
and it was 8:05 exactly.

And Miss Chambers
got here at 8:30.

Boy, this thing really is
out of whack, isn't it?

But I'm gonna be able
to help you with it.

All you have to do
is get the precise thing...

Oh, dear. Wait a minute.
Uh-oh.

Oh, wait a minute. Now, Mrs. Peck,
I want you to remain calm.

- Remain calm, Mrs. Peck.
Just remain calm.
- Out!

This goes back on very easily.
This is part of the knob.

You just tell the repairman
this needs to go right back...
Out!

Yes, ma'am. I'm leaving.
Out!

- I'd be very happy to pay for this.
- Out!

Yes, ma'am. I'm going.

Maybe the repairman...
Out!

I'll leave it right here.

Your uncle left a will, Norman,

leaving the bulk of the estate
not to you or your brother,
but to Miss Lisa Chambers.

Uh...

Would you like
to see for yourself?

See, the girl, uh,
really wasn't that keen
on marrying him.

The silly little thing honestly
didn't care at all about money.

So in a burst of...
what, romantic enthusiasm?

And to show her that he believed
she'd never marry him for his money,

he had me draw up this will
leaving everything to her
whether she married him or not.

I can't accept this.

So if either one of you killed him,
it's all for nothing because
the money goes to the girl.

Unless, of course... well...

Go on, please.

There are only three copies
of this will.

One in my safe,
one which was in your uncle's safe
until I removed it this morning...

and, uh,
the copy held by the girl.

- And?
- And...

I might be able to persuade
the lovely but not too brilliant
young lady...

into giving me her copy
for safekeeping.

Ergo, no copy
of any will being found,

the estate descends to you...
and your brother.

In return for...

A simple contract
calling for the retention
of my services...

as business manager
and as attorney.

I see no reason not to make
as much money now
from the estate...

as I did
before your uncle died.

Tell you what, counselor.

You can be my business manager
and my lawyer...

if you can get her copy of the will
away from that girl.

That's fair enough.

Why don't you go pick up
your other phone and listen,
if you'd like.

[Rings]

[Sighs]
Hello.

Uh, Miss Chambers?
This is Michael Hathaway.

Oh, listen. I've been trying to
get in touch with your office all day!

Oh, really?

This police detective came over here
to ask me a lot of questions...

about Clifford and his nephews
and everything.

- I didn't know what to tell him.
- That's funny. That's what I was calling about.

Do you have a moment?
I'm listening.

I do have certain sources
in the police department
who seem to feel...

that you're regarded
as a prime suspect
in Mr. Paris's death.

I know that. That I know,
but I didn't do it, Mr. Hathaway!

Let me finish.
Please, Miss Chambers.

- I strongly suggest
that when they come to arrest you...
- Arrest me?

Oh, really!
[Laughs]

Oh, yes. Apparently they feel
the circumstantial evidence
is overwhelming,

particularly since it was,
unfortunately, you who found
Mr. Paris's body.

Mr. Hathaway, I didn't do this.
You know I didn't do this!

Of course you didn't.

I'm only telling you
these things because...

I feel that, for Mr. Paris's sake,
the least I can do is help you
get out of this mess.

There's one very important thing
you should understand, Miss Chambers.

If the police should ever find
that copy of the will
Mr. Paris made out...

naming you
as sole beneficiary...

Well, I don't want the money.
I never wanted the money.

I realize that,
but you must understand that
the police would never believe you.

I don't care about the money!

Well, we don't have
very much time, Miss Chambers.

I think the wisest thing is...

to pick up your copy of that will
myself for safekeeping,

just in case the police come at you
with a search warrant tonight.

Yeah. Okay. All right.
Thank you very much.

- I can be at your apartment at 5:00.
- Thank you.

Good work, counselor.

There.

[Doorbell Rings]

Miss Chambers?

Miss Chambers?

Hello!

Miss Chambers.

[Siren Wailing In Distance]

[Siren Approaching]

[Woman On Police Radio,
Indistinct]

[Gasps, Grunts]
Sir? May I ask which apartment
you came from?

I set Hathaway up, huh?

Oh, boy. Has he got
a galloping imagination.
And you believe him?

Oh, now,
I never said that, sir.

But Mr. Hathaway does claim
that since you knew what time
he was due to visit Miss Chambers,

all you had to do
was get there ahead of him,
wait until you saw his car arrive.

Wrong. Wrong.
When you knew
that he was in the elevator,

shove the lady over the balcony,
disappear down the back stairs
in all the commotion.

Wrong.
Well, he was very insistent,
Mr. Paris.

He woke up half the police station.
He was very loud, very vocal.

You wouldn't believe
the noise that he made.

What do you expect?
A confession?

No. No, sir.

No, I don't. Oh!

By the way, I have here a, uh,
copy of an agreement...

signed by you.

[Muttering]
"Retaining Mr. Michael Hathaway...

as business manager and attorney
for all the estate."

That's right. I assumed that I
would need someone to handle...

my share of my uncle's estate
that I thought I was inheriting.

That's a straight, aboveboard
business agreement.

I see here
your brother signed it.

We thought we were inheriting
my uncle's estate.

Oh. I thought you never
talked to your brother.

[Sighs]

I talked to my brother today
for the first time in over two years
on the phone...

to discuss the signing
of that agreement.

When I hung up, I still hated
his pompous guts, and I'm sure
he felt the same way about me.

I guess wounds
between two people
never heal, huh?

Wait a minute.

When I talked to my brother,
Norman, I did tell him...

that Hathaway
and Lisa Chambers...

were gonna meet at 5:00.

You did?

Yeah. Well, well, good old Norman,
my banker brother.

I'm sure he won't admit
that I told him.

I would tend to agree
with that, sir, yes.

Which means that Hathaway
could be telling the truth.

In other words... [Laughing]
good old Norman could have shoved
Lisa right off the balcony, right?

Which means that possibly
he committed two murders, not one.

Do you realize the 6:00 news could make him
a bigger TV celebrity than I am?

Mr. Paris, do you think
that your brother is guilty?

The truth? Of course not.

I think it's quite obvious
what happened.

I think, uh, Hathaway
and the girl made a deal.

She killed my uncle,
Hathaway killed her.

She probably tried to cross him
for some reason or other,

and he shoved her off the balcony.

Lieutenant?

Oh. Sorry.
Thank you very much, Mr. Paris.

You've been very helpful.
Good night.

[Man On TV]
Mr. Marshak, you've had over 30 years
as a practicing lawyer in this town.

I'm new. I'm green.

Tell me, what can I do
for this client?

What can any one of us
ever do, Tony?

Oh, we can be grateful,
I suppose.

Ohh!

I know!

Lieutenant Columbo!
In a moment, ma'am.

Lieutenant!
Can't talk now.

You have been allowed
to come into this house.
You have been given permission.

Not now.
You have turned everything
into chaos!

Now you have bungled
my television set!

[Yelling]
Do you hear me?

My television does not work.
It'll be fine now. New fuse.

I promise it'll be terrific.
I promise.

[Man On TV]
If we hadn't maneuvered Irving's
confession of infidelities...

with Shirley's uncle and aunt,

we might have sent
still another man to his death.

Purple. I'll kill him!

[Clears Throat]

[Doorbell Rings]

I want to pay the repairman for you.
I want to pay everything.

Right now,
while the man is still here,
I'll pay you.

Mrs. Peck,
in front of your eyes, I'll do it.
And I won't touch anything.

I swear on my mother's eyes, not a thing.
Please, would you let me in?

You get the Degas,
I get the Picassos.

Norman, you couldn't tell
a Picasso from a Rorshach test.

Can anyone?
I know well enough
what they're worth.

Is that all that matters to you?
Money? Dollars and cents?
Is that all?

Look, my fellow vulture,
if you're going to be here,
you're going to be picking the bones.

Excuse us.
Lieutenant Columbo is here.

Thank you, Mrs. Peck.
Yes, Lieutenant.
What is it this time?

Well, I'm a little ahead
of the police car supposed
to meet me here.

Pardon me, lady,
but how do you want me
to set the color on that thing?

It's okay, Mrs. Peck.
Take care of your TVset.
Go ahead.

You were saying, Lieutenant.

Well, to tell you the truth,
I came here, I think,
to make an arrest.

- You think?
- Well, it's a little bit complicated.

Would you mind too much
coming with me to the bathroom?

Columbo, you're marvelous.
You're absolutely bizarre.

Mr. Paris, would you
lift me out of the tub?

- Lift you out of the tub?
- Yes, sir. If you could please try.
I'll stay just like this.

Well, I can try, yes.
Thank you very much.
Just try, and I'll stayjust like this.

Let's see.

I can't get any leverage.
Wait.

[Grunts]
I can't. It must be the angle I have.

That's right, sir.
That is perfectly right.

And you'll notice, sir,
that I'm perfectly dry.

I'm not even slippery.
I mean, I have my clothes on.

And you still could not
lift me out of the tub.
Uh, Officer?

No, I'll do that in a moment.

Do you intend to demonstrate
drowning yourself for us, Lieutenant?

Uh, no, sir, but I think
I can demonstrate...

is that your uncle could have died
from an electrical shock...

without showing any marks
or burns or anything like that.

Now...

let's see, uh...

Officer, could you turn off
that water, please?

You see,
I'm not exactly sure...

I think everybody should
stand back for a moment.

I'm not overly expert
at electrical equipment.

[Whirring]

Oh. All right.

Now,

suppose Mr. Paris
was in that bathtub there,
and somebody came walking in.

Officer, would you turn on
that light, please?

Are you suggesting that someone
just sauntered into the bathroom,
carrying an electric mixer?

Well, I'm just using this mixer.

I mean, anything electrical
is what I'm trying to show.

Now, here we go.
[Whirring]

Cannot supersede...

Ohh!

Very quickly now.
We should all go very quickly now.

Left. Bear left.

This is a pretty old house
here, as you know,

and when they have
those old type fuses,
the screw-in kind...

Right here.

Lieutenant?

Yes, sir. Just bear with me
for a moment, will you?

All right, Lou.

[Stopwatch Clicks]

Sixty-seven seconds, exactly.

Fascinating.
I didn't know that.

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Paris.
I think you did know that.

- Know what?
- Well, you see, sir...

You know what bothered me?

Right from the beginning,
it bothered me.

How the murderer got into the house
after Mrs. Peck switched on
the burglar alarm.

Someone was here shortly before
the, uh, incident, as I recall, Lieutenant.

Come off it, Norman.
I said I left the house,
and I left the house.

Mrs. Peck saw me.

It would have been necessary
for someone to let the murderer in.

Somebody already in the house
who could turn off the burglar alarm.

That lets me off,
I guess, huh?
I'm afraid not, Mr. Paris.

Instead of leaving the house,
you stayed around and turned off
the burglar alarm...

at the right moment.

Mrs. Peck, did you or did you not
see me drive out of here,

wave good-bye,
honk my horn...

No, sir. She didn't see you.
She saw him.

I think you had on the same clothes
as your brother, Mr. Paris.

I think it was you that drove out
and then came back later
when your brother let you in.

- Are you nuts?
- I resent defamation, Lieutenant.

You said you two never talked,
except about that agreement.

I guess you had to say that in order
to keep the guessing game going.

But you know?
That's what nailed you down.

I called the telephone company.

The told me that you two have talked
maybe 20 times in the last 10 days.

You're saying
they killed their uncle?

These boys wouldn't do
such a thing!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Peck, but I think this time
they needed each other so much...

that they both
did something very bad.

See? Sixty-seven seconds.
Sixty-seven.

Took us 67 seconds to get down here
and replace that fuse.

But Mrs. Peck's television set
was only out for 15 seconds.

There had to be somebody else
waiting down here...

to replace that fuse.

And somebody had to help lift
the body out of the bathtub.

One man couldn't have
done that alone...

and then dried him off
with that wet towel I found,
then put him in a sweat suit,

let alone carry him
down the stairs.

- [Mrs. Peck] Stop it.!
- [Norman] It's all right, Mrs. Peck.

[Sighs]
What's done is done.
What's obvious is obvious.

- I'm just sorry that you had to be here...
- Shut up!

Okay, gents.