All language subtitles for The Dictator.2012.Theatrical.en

The Dictator.2012.Theatrical - OCR
23.976 fps runtime 01:23:16

Tensions are rising
as the stand-off

between the world community and the
rogue North African nation of Wadiya

intensified today

as U.N. weapons inspectors were once
again refused access to the country

by Wadiyan leader,
Admiral General Aladeen.

I will take no options
off the table. And I mean what I say.

Tonight we ask...
Who is General Aladeen?

According to
Wadiyan propaganda,

Haffaz Aladeen
was born in 1973.

He did not know his mother,
who died in childbirth.

The only son of
the savage dictator Omar Aladeen,

he gained power
at the age of 7.

Eccentric and with
unlimited oil wealth,

he recently hosted
his own Olympic Games...

On your mark, get set.

At which he won
fourteen gold medals.

Aladeen! Aladeen!

Often described
as ignorant,

he changed
over 300 Wadiyan words to "Aladeen,"

including the words "positive" and
"negative," causing mass confusion.

Do you want
the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news?

The Aladeen news?

You are HIV-Aladeen.

With pressure mounting,

Aladeen addressed
his nation today.

Aladeen! Aladeen!

People of Wadiya,

I come before you today

to tell you that the world shall
kneel before our great nation.

We are two nonths away from
enriching weapons-grade uranium

to be used
for peaceful purposes.

It will be used
only for medical research

and clean energy.
It will, it will.

And will certainly
never be used

to attack Is...
Oh, boy.

With that speech, today,

the international community
is asking one question:

Does the Mad Dog of Wadiya
have nuclear weapons?

Now, show me
my nuclear weapons!

I can't wait!
I can't wait!

This is the Beard
of Doom rocket?

This is my weapon?
I will be a laughingstock!

All my friends
have got nuclear weapons.

Even Ahmadinejad!

And he looks like
a snitch on Miami Vice.

Where is the Head of my Nuclear
Programme and Procurer of Women?

Where is Nuclear Nadal?

You had Nadal executed,
Supreme Leader.

Why did I do that?

Supreme Leader!

Nadal.

We are just months away
from refining weapons-grade uranium,

and we are set
to test the missile next week.

It is too round on the top.
It needs to be pointy.

Round is not scary.
Pointy is scary.

This will put a smile
on the faces of the enemy.

They will think that it is a huge robot
dildo flying toward them.

No, Supreme Leader.

The shape of the missile top
has nothing to do with aerodynamics.

It is about
the payload delivery.

No. It sticks in the ground,
and then kaboom.

Supreme Leader,
I think perhaps

some of your information
about bombs is coming from cartoons.

Nonsense. I have been
watching research films.

In this film,
just one question,

was there a duck who,
when the explosion is happens,

his bill goes
around to the back of his head,

and then in order to talk,
he has to put it back this way?

There was somebody
who suffered a deformity like that.

Okay.

I am now 100% sure
that you are watching cartoons.

Indulge me. For one second,
pretend that I'm an idiot.

Okay. I'm there.

Okay. You know what?

Let's just agree
to disagree, my friend.

Okay.

What? Why? No!

- Don't you remember?
- Of course I remember!

How dare you question my
memory? I remember everything!

No, I would never do that!
Never! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that.

Don't worry, it's fine.
Well done, my friend.

Thank you.

Wait! Wait!
Where are we going?

Admiral General,
what if we just tell the United Nations

we have no nuclear weapons?

They will lift
the sanctions.

We'll be free
to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert.

Uncle Tamir.

Do you not remember
what my saintly father

made me promise him
on his deathbed?

It was never
to sell Wadiya's oil.

You remember that
was when he gave me power

instead of you,
the rightful heir.

You've been so cool about it.

Now, let's go back
to the palace.

It's the season finale

of Real Housewives
of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicch!

Death to the tyrant!

Looks like we need
to find a new double.

Because this one is...

You know, I don't know
if he's going to get better.

Oh, he's not going
to recover, sir. He's dead.

Yeah, how 'bout looking in my eye
when I'm speaking to you?

It's very rude not to look at somebody in
the eye when they're talking to you.

It's okay. Don't worry.
You're having a rough day.

We shot the wrong man.

I can fix this. I have a new
plan. We need to find a new double.

One that is simple enough to
be manipulated completely.

I think we found
what you are looking for.

You think this man
looks like me?

You have
a very big barn.

You must have
many happy goats, hmm?

What the fuck
does that even mean?

Uncle Tamir,
this thing is an idiot.

What makes you think
he can do the job?

May I remind you that his only real job is
to be shot in the head.

Very well. Put him
through the process, okay?

Clip his nails,
file his teeth,

bleach his skin,
and shorten the penis.

Megan! Megan!

You now have herpes.

Megan, you were
worth every penny.

You were super hot.

Is my jet ready?

Yes, but do you
want to stay the night?

You know, I really
want to do some cuddling.

No. Your time is up.

I have to be
with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow.

Okay. Maroush,
give the goodie bag!

Thanks.

I trust
everything is in there,

as your manager requested?

Katy Perry said she got
a diamond Rolex.

That's because she let me
Aladeen in her face.

Okay.

Right. Are you sure you don't want
to stay for some cuddles?

- No.
- But, please.

I really want
someone to cuddle.

Breaking news now.
Just moments ago,

the U.N. Security
Council voted

to authorise NATO
air strikes against Wadiya,

unless Admiral General Aladeen
agrees to address the U.N. in person.

And now, the world waits.

What will Aladeen do next?

Next. No, no, no. No. Boring,
boring. Come on. Come on.

Beloved Oppressor,
I have just received disturbing news.

Welcome
to the Munich Olympics.

Shalom?

Oy vey!

Supreme Leader,

the United Nations
demands that

you address their concerns
about our nuclear programme,

or they will vote to
authorise military action.

Meshugenner!

Very well.

Then I shall address this gathering of
snakes they call the U.N.

We are going
to the devil's nest

of America!

America!

Built by the blacks
and owned by the Chinese.

Supreme Leader, I took the liberty
of hiring some extra security.

This is Mr Clayton.

Admiral General,
I am here for your protection 24/7.

Okay.

But in the interest of full disclosure, I
have to say I hate A-rabs.

Well, that's fine,
because I'm not an Arab.

Well, you're
all A�rabs to me, the blacks, the Jews,

those blue tree-hugging
queers in A-vatar.

In fact, anyone fron outside of
America is technically an A-rab.

Listen, while you're here,

I highly recommend a visit
to the Empire State Building,

before you or one of your
sand-monkey cousins takes it down.

Supreme Leader, the suite has been
renovated to your specifications.

Twenty dollars a day
for Internet? What the fuck?

And they accuse me
of being an international criminal?

Beloved Oppressor,
try to get some sleep.

Tomorrow is
your big speech.

Nobody touch the minibar!
It's a fucking rip-off!

Rise and shine.

Who are you?

We've actually
already met.

Hello, Aladdin.

- Clayton?
- Here's the deal.

I'm being paid to kill you.

But I'm gonna
torture you for free.

Are you serious?

Where'd you get
those relics?

From the Shah of Iran's
garage sale?

Yeah, right.

I nean, I know there's
nothing more annoying

than a backseat torturer,
but, please, come on.

This is great stuff.

It's not great stuff.
That's like 1972, hello.

You won't be talking
so much smack with this up your butt.

That's the Anal Umbrella.
It's a good device, I grant you,

but where's
the splash guard?

You're going to kill me
and your white shirt.

It didn't come
with a splash guard.

You're gonna get chara
on your trousers.

I can see it has
a screw hole for one.

Apparently,
I didn't get it.

All right, Mr Smart Guy,

check out this bad boy.

Oh, that's not bad.
The Kandahar Cock Wrench.

Okay, so, now
we're getting somewhere.

It's actually been banned in Saudi
Arabia for being too safe.

You know,
this is totally depressing.

Listen, just show me
another one.

You know, honestly, I don't even want
to show you anything any more.

Don't be like that.

You know, I don't even think
you want to be tortured.

I don't want
to be tortured.

You're just, like,
taking all the fun out of it!

What else you got?
I'm gonna love the next thing!

I will be supportive.

All right.

Just this. This pours
hot fire out on you.

Oh,
the Fallujah Firehose!

Someone's got
a friend in Syria!

I am pretty proud of it.

There is a new model,
you know.

I've got one that
works by Bluetooth.

Screw it. Screw it!
Screw it!

I'm going to enjoy this now.

No, don't. Don't.
Don't. Please, don't!

No one will recognise
the body without this!

The Supreme Beard!
You will be cursed!

No, no, don't do it!

Come on!
Why won't this catch?

You foolish nan! There is no earthly
fire that could ever light...

The flames
of the righteous attack the unjust!

I'll be back with help!
J.K.! Just kidding!

My speech.

Yo!
Average American shopper!

Give me your clothes!

Hey, hey, oh, oh!
Aladeen has got to go!

Hey, hey, oh, oh!
Aladeen has got to go!

Hello. I am
Admiral General Aladeen.

I am here to
deliver my speech to the United Nations.

Look, Admiral,
it's too hot for crazy.

How dare you?

Listen, Tamir is
coming right now.

You're going to
be in big trouble. Here he is.

Tamir! Tamir!

Tamir, it was you, you snake!

He's not the
legitimate leader!

He's not
the legitimate leader!

He's not the
legitimate leader!

You have rehearsed the
speech I prepared for you?

Yes. But when is
the General coming?

He's feeling ill.

Does he have worms in his shilshul?

Very possibly.

Admiral General Aladeen
preparing

to address the General
Assembly of the United Nations.

An historic moment.

He's approaching the podium.

And he's walked
right past the podium.

What is he doing?

You are making
a fool out of me!

Let's bring in Denise,
our U.N. correspondent.

What do you make of that?

Well, I have to say,
he's got their attention.

Every eye in the room
is on him right now.

And he's returning
to the podium.

And he's fallen
off the stage.

What do you make
of that, Denise?

You know, he's clearly implying that the
U.N. must fall before him.

Drinking from the
pitcher of water directly,

as opposed to
the glass that I'm sure must be up there.

What do you think
that means?

Again, it's another
attempt to say,

"Listen, I'm not going
to play by your rules."

And he seems to have
a pitcher of urine out.

I believe he just
urinated in the pitcher.

He is now drinking
his urine.

Itlooks to be
his own urine.

Sorry. You want?

Trying to force it
on the Israeli delegation.

That might be
the ambassador.

He is dumping the urine
on the Israeli delegation.

Oh, that's a good one.

Okay, he's returning
to the podium.

Much has been made
of the hostility between our countries.

With the help
of the U.M.,

I will draft a new
constitution for Wadiya

and sign it in five days,
on Wadiya's Independence Day.

No, no, no.

This new constitution

will end the dictatorship...

No!

And it will
turn Wadiya into a

democracy.

No! Democracy? Never!

Never!

The Wadiyan people
love being oppressed!

Dictatorship forever!

Come on! Come with me!

Hurry!

Hello, person. Person.

Black person.

The double that
you found is good.

He is almost as dumb
as the real guy.

So, Wadiya will
become a democracy.

China is a democracy,
too.

Once that constitution
is signed,

I will be able
to sell Wadiya's oil rights. Gazprom,

you will have control of
Wadiya's southern oil fields.

B.P., you will
control the north.

Exxon, you will have
all offshore rights,

provided you do not
use B.P.'s drilling rigs.

And, Mr Lao of PetroChina, you will
have the lease on our shale reserves.

Some of those reserves are
in densely populated areas.

Then unpopulate them.

After you've paid me
my 30% finder's fee, of course.

Gentlemen.

So, you're going
to make billions.

What will you do
with all those dollars?

I will buy the house on Lake Como
next to George Clooney's.

I love George Clooney!

He's an old�fashioned
movie star.

He gay?
He suck my dick?

No, those are just rumours.
Are you a homosexual?

No, no, no, it's more
of a power trip with me.

Everybody has a price.

Tommy Lee Jones let me roll it in my
fingers for two hundred grand!

Oh, my gosh,
that was so crazy!

I am so honoured
to be able to help you.

Finally, somebody
who knows who I am.

Yeah, of course!

You're the Wadiyan dissident who was
standing up to that asshole Aladeen.

It was so brave of you.

- My name is Zoey.
- I don't care.

What's yours?

My name is Ala... son.

- Allison?
- Right. Allison.

What's your last name?

Burgers.

Nice to meet you,
Allison Burgers.

- You know, I...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Allison, could you
please take your hands off my breasts?

Those are breasts?
I thought you were a boy.

- Where are you taking me to?
- To Brooklyn!

So, yeah,
this is my store!

This is the Free
Earth Collective.

We are a vegan, feminist,
non-profit cooperative operating

within an anti�racist,
anti-oppressive framework

for people of
all or no genders.

We are
a pure democracy,

just like Wadiya's
going to be soon!

Get me clothes,
little man.

Oh, you know what, there's some in
the Earthquake Relief box

in the lesbian bathroom,
right there.

Right.

So, Allison,
we're the only store in New York,

other than that fascist
superchain Green World,

that sells your nation's
speciality fruit, mafroom,

which I know
you people eat a lot of.

Oh, I hope that didn't come off
like a cultural stereotype.

Because I'm, like,
the furthest thing from a racist.

I pretty nuch haven't
had a white boyfriend since high school.

Well, the darker races
are less choosy.

Okay, that came off
as kind of offensive.

Thank you.

Anyway, let me give
you the grand tour.

Up on the roof,
we have this amazing organic garden...

Boring! Do you sell
any assault rifles?

Oh, wait. I got it.
Humour. Right?

I took a feminist
clown workshop once.

Help! Help! I'm trapped
under a glass ceiling!

What the fuck?

I wasn't the best
student, but...

You seem educated.

Yes.
I went to Amherst.

I love it when
women go to school.

It's like seeing
a monkey on rollerskates.

It means nothing to them,
but it's so adorable for us.

Okay. Well, hey, Allison,

you know, we'd love to have you work
here if you ever wanted to.

All of our employees
are political refugees, just like you!

There's Hannah over here.

She's from El Salvador. She's a really
useful member of our team.

Useful as what?
A coat hanger?

- Come on.
- Allison, that's not funny.

Okay. I tell you what,
get back to work, Captain Hook!

- "Captain Hook." It's funny.
- No, it's not funny.

Who's that?

Oh, this is Joteph.

He's from a Sudanese tribe
that has no concept of money.

His entire village
was ransacked.

Hey, Sub�Saharan!

Do you think you could get me 100
child soldiers here by 5:00 p.m.?

No!

Okay. Time out! Time out.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Shave your under�the�arms!

I dread to think what kind of jungle
you have on your malawach!

That is very inappropriate.

Don't tell me what
to say and what not to say, little boy.

You need to put
that finger away.

I won't put my
finger away because...

Look, I've got
two fingers now.

Okay.

If you do not stop using hateful
language, you cannot work here.

All right. I promise.

Okay.

I tricked you,
Wolverina.

Justin Bieber's
chubby double!

Hairy Potter!

Good�bye, old friend.

When will the Supreme
Leader be better?

In time.

He's resting in his bedroom
and must never, ever be disturbed.

Time for bed.

Being Aladeen has its perks,
does it not?

Dropped your belt.

What are you doing?

She tried to milk me!

No.

They are trying
to pleasure you.

Allow the girls to use
their many talents.

No!

Supreme Leader!
The girls!

Girls, show him
your bosoms.

Let me in! I have
85 rooms at this hotel!

It's me, Admiral
General Aladeen!

I lost my beard!

You don't got a pass,
you don't get in.

But I'm staying here! I paid twenty
dollars for the fucking Internet!

How much do you charge
for assassinations?

Nadal?

Welcome to
the Death to Aladeen Restaurant.

Wait. You look
very familiar.

Do I know you?

Sorry.

Sorry.

So sorry, Supreme Leader.

Don't worry.
I'm 50% to blame.

No! No! Supreme Leader!

Definitely not.
I must be going.

No, no. Stay, please.

If you hate Aladeen
and you like good food,

this is the place for you.
This way. Here we go.

Enjoy it.

No! No!

For you.

What is your name?

Allison Burgers.

That's a made�up name.
What's your real name?

Ladis.

Ladis what?

Ladis Washerum.

So your name
is like the sign. "Ladies Washroom"?

That is a made-up name.

What is your real name?

I am interested.
We are interested.

Emploice.

Emploice what?

Emploice... Muswashans.

That is a made-up name.

Okay.

What is your real name?

Max.

Max what?

Imunoccupancyu
One-hundred-and-twenty.

There's a number in the name?

Who are you?
An Aladeen sympathiser?

No, no, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. No, no, no!

No!

It's Aladeen!
It's Aladeen without the beard!

No! It's not Aladeen!

Hasan, lock the door!

Wait, wait, wait, no!
There you are, cousin!

This is my cousin.
I see you've all met him.

He's very simple
and backwards. I'm sorry.

- Sorry.
- It's okay, sit.

- Okay.
- Sit and eat.

Have a seat, cousin.

Very sorry.
My apologies. Enjoy.

What are you doing here?
And what has happened to your beard?

I've been replaced by this body
double who's a total imbecile.

How are you alive?

How am I... Wait.
You don't know?

No.

Every single person
you had executed is still alive.

We all live here
in Little Wadiya.

The executioner, he is
a member of the Resistance!

You mean I never
executed anybody?

No.

Like, honestly, zero people.

Nadal, you nust help me
get back into power.

What? No.
Why would I do that?

I have a perfectly
good job here. I'm a Mac Genius!

What do you do?

Mostly, I clean
semen out of laptops.

Congratulations.
Living the American dream.

Okay, fine. I will help you.
On one condition.

Name it.

You reinstate me
as Head of Nuclear Research,

so I can finish
building my bomb.

Deal.

One last thing.

You will let me build
a round nuclear weapon.

Never.
It has to be pointy.

- Wait a minute. This is...
- Whoa.

- Okay. Deal.
- Deal.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the press,

our Supreme Leader
is indisposed to answer your questions

as he is currently
drafting Wadiya's new constitution,

which is scheduled
to be signed

at the Lancaster Penthouse
Ballroom in three days.

Thank you.
No further questions.

There is no way we're going to
get anywhere near this hotel

without a security pass.
This is ridiculous.

- Wait.
- What are you doing?

Hiding from that
lesbian hobbit.

That woman,
you know her?

I cannot begin to tell you
what an honour it is

to be able to provide
all of the catering...

Well, of course.

And the mafroom
for this signing.

You just paid
this month's rent!

She offered me a job.

Can you imagine that?
Me? Working?

Listen, hold onto that badge. It's the only
thing that'll get you past security.

Okay, thanks.

Wait a minute.

Wait, her company is catering the
event. She has a security pass!

That is the answer.
This is the plan.

Okay? You will take that
job and you will work for her.

I will get you
an identical beard and costume.

And then on
the day of the event,

you enter the Lancaster
as a member of her staff.

You will find the double,
switch with him,

then rip up the constitution
in front of the whole world.

Me? Work for that
hairy titted yeti?

Kimberly?

Zoey.

Who cares?

I've come here
to apologise

about some of the comments
I may have made about

Captain Hook and Blackie.

Great!

And I accept your job offer
as general manager.

Well, you can't be the manager,
because I am the manager.

Well, I can
if I killed you.

I think I'm starting
to get you.

All right, then...
I will get you.

Great!
Let's get you to work!

Yeah?
Hold on one second.

Hey, my man!
Excuse me. Hairnet!

Yeah.

I need a little of the
quinoa salad, please,

and throw a couple of
extra cranny-b's on top, if you could,

and I kind of need you
to hurry up, chief. Chop-chop.

Next!

Whoa, whoa!
Occupied!

Out. I have to clean.
Come on, out you go, out you go.

- What? You're hurting me!
- Out. Come on.

Hey, Allison,
can you take out the garbage? Thanks.

Look! One of the
customers left a tip of

some Nair and sone female razors.
Does anybody want to use it?

Stop that.

Suck it, loser.

Clean�up on aisle four!

Hey, buddy, I saw that.

That is very disrespectful
to your leader.

Whatever, dude.
Who are you,

Osama bin Laden's
best friend?

No, he is not
my best friend!

Though he has been staying
in my guest house

ever since they shot
his double last year.

Now the guy won't leave.

I know why this guy's
the most hated man in the world.

You just have to go
to the bathroom after him.

You go to the bathroom
after Osama,

you will realise
the true meaning of terrorism.

Here is the plan.

We're going to take
this helicopter tour

and fly over
the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses.

Remember, we're just two
ordinary American tourists

looking at the sights.

Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect
anything. It's a great plan.

Don't do anything
to arouse any suspicions.

Don't worry.
I am Wadiya's number one actor.

You don't win four
Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing.

Yes, you do,
because you gave them to yourself!

My performance in
Aladeen Jones and the Temple of Doom

was outstanding.

I give it thumbs down.

Have you seen
You've Got Mail Bomb?

Yes, I've seen them all!
They're all terrible movies!

Listen to me. Okay?

You are a terrible actor.

I urge you, right now,
keep your performance small and real.

All right, can you
get me a cloak?

Why?

Because I think
my guy would be wearing a cloak.

No, your guy wears an American flag
sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge.

I need the sheriff's badge.

For what?

You're sheriff
of American douche-town!

That's rude.

Listen.

We're going to walk over
there, act very inconspicuous.

- Okay, great, okay.
- Okay, good.

Okay. So, when
we go to fly...

Don't do that
with your eyes!

You can't be
a Chinese person on this thing, okay?

I'm not chink,
I'm Chinese-American!

No, but you cannot
hold your eyes!

Nobody is going to think
you're Chinese-American

because you hold
your eyes like that!

It's racist,
what you are doing!

Do you know it's a fact
that they cannot pronounce their R's?

They pronounce them
as L's.

So instead you know
what "rabbit" is in Chinese?

I don't know
how to speak Chinese.

- It's "labbit."
- It's not "labbit"!

Yes! Who Shot Loger Labbit
was a huge hit in China!

Nobody...
It's stup...

All right, I don't care.
This is stupid, okay?

Okay, I'll do Filipino.
I like to work, I like to talk.

- Don't.
- I like the shit, I do the kids.

Stop that.

Your Filipino
is the same as your Chinese!

Now who's being a lacist?

I love being
an Americans!

America is number one!

Oh, I am from U.S.A.!

My father also
from U.S.A.

My great�grandfather fought
in the American Civil Jihad.

I am very proud
to be an American.

I am America's
number one douche.

I've fooled them. Job done.

So, how are things back at the Palace?

Fine, but guess
who's still living in my guest house?

Ooh, Bin Laden?

Yes, Osama.

Bin Laden flooding the bathroom
every time he showers...

And how hard is it to put a bath mat
down, Bin Laden?

Hey, do you remember
my favourite sports car?

You mean your Porsche?

Yes... the 911.

911, it's the best!

So I was driving my 911 near the
palace one day...

and I totally crashed!

It's ok, I've already ordered a new one.

A brand new 9112012.

You know, while you are here, you
should try to see some of the sights...

such as the Empire State Building...

and Yankee Stadium.

And I'd love to see the fireworks
over the Statue of Liberty.

Hey, have your old back problems been
bothering you?

Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that
I made myself a back brace.

- Really?
- Yes, look, I'm still wearing it.

Hey, my English is getting good...

I bet I can count down from five
faster than you can!

Five, four,
three, two, one!

Allison! Are you okay?

I... Yes.

You know what?
You people, you make me sick!

You see a Middle Easterner
on an aircraft

and you just assume
that he's hatching some violent plot?

Allison Burgers is a persecuted
dissident, not a murderous madman!

He was reported saying, "Let's take out
the guards at the Lancaster."

Guess what?
We deliver to the Lancaster!

Good one!

Maybe he wanted to
take the guards out for a falafel!

That's a bit
of a stereotype,

but I get the idea.
Great idea! Yeah. You...

You know what?
Is it a crime to care about your job?

Yeah! Well,
it is in Wadiya.

Where did you get your diversity
and sensitivity training, huh?

The Stasi?

Let's see how you feel about racial
profiling when white people...

And I know
what I'm talking about

because I majored
in Fem Lit!

Come on.

Hey! What are you doing?
Where are you going?

Don't worry!

Just suck the fatoot
of the biggest guy, you'll be fine.

The police here
are such fascists!

Yeah, right,
and not in a good way.

It just makes me so mad!

You know, Zoey,
you were great back there.

Thanks. I just...

I don't know,
I just feel so sorry

that wherever
you go in the world,

you're the victim
of police abuse.

Come here.
I'm just so sorry! You're okay now.

All right?

And I'm not gonna
let anything bad happen to you.

You know what? Let's get you
back to the collective, okay?

Come on.

No, a bit more.

Okay.

- Come on, let's go. I need to go to work.
- I feel so sad!

Let's do another hug, okay?

Allison, why are you sad?

The brutality?

Did you suffer
from sexual abuse?

Yes, they raped me in
a very unprofessional way.

Oh, no.
We have to get you to the Rape Centre.

You have a centre
for rape here?

Greati. I'd love to go!
Maybe another time, you know.

Hire a limo, have some
cocktails, bring my raping shoes.

It was literally
the tour from hell...

Look, Supreme Leader is
on the talking painting.

With shades of 9/11,

their helicopter tour
of the Manhattan skyline was cut short

by what police are now
calling a "terrorism misunderstanding"

involving a man named
Emer Gencyexitonly.

Maroush!

Double the security
around the hotel.

The signing must
not be disrupted!

Hannah, that guy from the
Lancaster's coming tomorrow morning,

so why don't you take
the mafroom downstairs

and make some sort of
a nice display?

I just want everything
to be perfect.

Zoey?

Allison. Hi.

To thank you for what you did
today at the police station,

I have decided to
bestow upon you a gift.

- That's sweet. What is it?
- Yeah.

I don't know
what that is.

It's fine.
It's ine.

Oh! No!

No, I am not
going to do that.

I'm getting a lot of this
and not much of this...

Listen, I understand
that you're having urges, okay?

Right.

But you need to
take care of them by yourself.

Myself? What? How?

You need to
touch yourself.

I don't touch myself.
Do you touch yourself?

I think most
healthy people do, yes.

Yeah, you touch your own
malawach? Disgusting! Yuck!

Yuck!

Stop joking, all right?
You've never jerked off?

Okay, come with me.

Where are you taking me to?
The Rape Centre?

This is silly.

Okay...

Take your penis out
and put it in your hands.

This is silly.

Now, slowly move your hand
up and down.

Okay.

I told you already,
this is...

Wait.

What sorcery is this?

Some people
wait a lifetime

For a moment like this

Some people
wait a lifetime

For a moment like this

Whoa, I can't believe
it's happening to me

Some people
wait a lifetime

For a moment like this

I can't believe
it's happening to me

I did it!
I just jerked it completely off!

I did it all by myself!

With this hand right here!

I grabbed my bilbul
like I was strangling a bird.

And I smacked it
and I smacked it and I gave it a flick,

and out came
my own labeneh!

Zoey?

Zoey! You have
changed my life!

Give a man a vagina
and he will shpichs for a day.

Teach a man to use
his hand as a vagina,

and he will shpichs
for a lifetime.

Is something the matter?

That was the guy from the Lancaster on
the phone. They just fired us!

What? Why?

He said he came by
and someone kicked his son.

They've given the contract
to Green World Market.

We must get
the contract back.

I have to be
at the signing.

I don't know what to say!
My staff lacks the discipline

and motivation
to do this job.

We will see about that.

But from now on,
it is my way

or the highwahahtmaa �
fferrohshelechnichway.

Okay?

There has been
a regime change!

Yo! You are
stocking the shelves.

You, senile
Romanian accountant.

You are on
the cash register.

The CEO of Green World
does not drive a hybrid!

The chemicals
in Green World produce

made this boy
grow tits?

You promise not
to steal again?

I won't. I won't!

Give him one more
for fun, Viktor.

Good choice.

Hi, Viktor.

Supreme Grocer.

The radicchio
has been washed and sorted,

and the spray hose
has been tightly coiled.

Very good. Now go upstairs

and finish composting
the wheatgrass tailings, okay?

Yes, Supreme Grocer.

Zoey!

What? Look...

Wow!

It's amazing!

Oh, it's not amazing.
It's just a little less shit.

Well, thank you.

- Sorry.
- Oh, of course.

- Personal.
- Thank you. Thank you again.

- Hello?
- I have some very good news.

What is it?

I managed to buy some beards at the
wig store today that are perfect.

No, Nadal,
it must be real hair.

- And from the head of a great man!
- What?

Like Castro or Gandalf.

No...

Well done, Nadal.
This beard is perfect.

Those are lovely flowers.

You know, Zoey is
thinking of opening

an eco-friendly
flower section to the store.

This is the fifth time you've mentioned
her today. What is going on?

The signing
is in two days.

Tell me you're not
falling for this woman!

Of course I'm not.
This is silly.

Okay, good. All we need to do
is slip into this chapel...

And yet, it's strange.

The other day,
I asked her to, you know,

gobble on my bilbul
and she said, "No."

So obviously
I wanted to execute her.

But the thought of
her decapitated head actually upset me,

- so I decided not to do it.
- No.

When the thought of someone's
decapitated head upsets you,

that is love.

- I swear, I don't even like her at all.
- You don't like her?

She has the body shape
of a 14-year-old boy.

Well, that is
a particular weakness of yours.

Need I remind you of
the Menudo incident?

Those boys had
their eyes open.

They knew exactly
what they were doing.

We made them
have their eyes open.

You nade me hold
one of their eyes open,

so they'd see what
you were doing to them.

They seemed to be having
a pretty good time.

They were not.
Those boys were crying.

Three of them
killed themselves!

Nothing to do with me.

Everything to do with you!
A lot of them wrote notes.

In their suicide notes
they named you by name!

It's all a rumour.
And you're being silly.

- Go there.
- Okay. Here we go.

Hello?
Somebody in here?

Nadal!
The Sub-Saharans have discovered us!

- What? Okay, okay, okay!
- Hurry, hurry!

- Just a moment!
- Open this door!

- No, no, no!
- Open the door now!

Quick! Plan B! Plan B!

Why did you
chop off his head?

You said Plan B!

Plan B was to have
coffee and regroup,

it was not to
chop his head off!

Good morning, Nadal!

Wake up!
Good morning, Nadal!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Get this away from me!

You know, me and you
are quite a team.

No, no.

You know who else
makes a great team?

Ebony and ivory

No, no, no!

Live together
in perfect harmony

What is wrong with you?
Get it out of here!

Good one.

Splish splash
I was taking a bath!

No! Get it out of here!

Oh, that is weird.

I threw in some carob-covered goji
berries, just as a treat. Enjoy.

Thank you. That's very kind of
you. You're a very nice man.

What the fuck
did you call me?

I said you were nice!

Allison! The Lancaster just
called! We got the contract back!

- Great! Whatever!
- I know!

Green World is shutting down
their Manhattan store!

I wonder what
could have happened?

Be careful with that,
sweetheart. Be careful.

Oh, yeah, we're going to
have a nice big salad.

Celebratory cuddle?

Well done!

- You smell bad.
- I know.

Help!

Somebody help!
My wife is in labour!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Baby? The ambulance can't
be here for 20 minutes. Can you hold it?

I can't hold it!
It's coming out!

It's coming out!

Does anyone have
any medical experience?

I was Wadiya's Chief Surgeon
for the last 22 years.

Please.
Please help us. Please.

- Allison, they need your help. Come on.
- Okay, fine.

Come on.

Are you okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

Sorry! Old habits die hard.

All right, I'm going in.

That's the wrong hole!

- What?
- You just put your fist up the wrong hole.

If I had a dollar for
every time I heard that.

Get it outta there.

- Going in again.
- Okay, good.

Still my asshole!

What is wrong
with you, man?

You just put it in
my asshole again!

Just go up
from where you are.

The good news is,
your prostate is completely healthy.

That's good. That's good.

- Going in again.
- Okay, good.

Hold on.

What are you...

Allison, stop it!
You need two hands!

But I'm in the middle
of the text.

It's coming out!

- Where is that coming from?
- What?

I'm really sorry.
I'm gonna have to take this call.

Is there a phone
in my body?

What are you doing?

I'm in
the Lincoln Tunnel.

What? Okay, look.
We need to talk for a minute.

Hello, Nadal.
Listen, I can't speak now.

I'll speak to you later,
okay? Bye!

Stop talking to my vagina!

Zoey, the baby's stuck. I need you to put
your hand in and help me.

- What? No...
- Come on! Put it in!

- No, don't be scared. Put it in.
- Okay. Okay.

- I'm sorry.
- Put it right there on the right side.

- Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh!
- Push in.

I think I feel an arm!

That's my finger.

Excuse me. You guys
make a really cute couple together.

But maybe could you finish doing this

when you're not elbow-deep
in my pussy!

Okay, Allison,
you've got the head?

- I've got the head.
- Okay, it's coming out.

Come on, push!

Where are the rebel bases?
Where are the rebel bases?

Sorry, sorry.

Wait, I can see the head!
I can see the head!

I can't push any more!

You did it!
You did it!

I sentence you

to life.

It's still attached!

Sorry. Oh, no.

- What's wrong?
- I'm sorry.

It's bad news.

It's a girl.

Where's the trash can?

No, no, no, no!
That's what we wanted!

We'll take her,
we'll take her.

Oh, baby.

You were so
amazing down there.

You saved
a little person's life.

It feels so nice
to kiss you.

I know. It's nice
to kiss you, too.

I love the hugging.

I just came.

I don't care.

Lie back.

Okay.

This is going to be
amazing for you.

Okay!

See you in 15 minutes.

Okay.

Wait, wait.

Wait.

Allison,
before we go any further,

there's something
that I want to tell you.

You've got a dick.
I knew it.

Allison,
I don't have a dick.

Great!

What I wanted to
tell you was this.

I really want
to be with you, Allison Burgers.

Zoey,

I'm not really
Allison Burgers.

I'm actually
a little somebody called

Admiral General

Aladeen.

No, what's your real name?

Wait, this will
convince you.

Look, it's me!

The weapons inspectors
will bathe in their own blood!

That's your beard?

No, no, no!
It's not my beard.

My friend chopped the head
off Morgan Freeman.

You're a murderer!

No, no, no!
Zoey, Zoey, Zoey! No.

You were just using me
to get access to that hotel!

No!

Zoey, I'm attracted to you
in a really fucked-up way.

Oh, my God!

I'm cancelling that
contract tomorrow!

No, Zoey! What have
I ever done wrong?

You lied to me!

And you're wanted
for war crimes!

That stuff never sticks.

You need to leave now.

Okay.

I'll go.

With the signing of the
constitution tomorrow morning,

democracy in Wadiya
is just hours away,

and people are
in the streets celebrating.

Kill Aladeen,
kill Aladeen, hey!

Kill Aladeen,
kill Aladeen, hey!

- Good-bye!
- Stop, stop, wait!

What are you doing?

I am executing myself!

What? Why?

Because no one
has ever loved me!

Your father would
be ashamed of you!

No, I've realised
I don't want to be like my father!

In fact,
I don't want to be a dictator any more!

What's that now?

I've been on a spiritual journey,
man, like Eat, Pray, Love.

Have you gone insane?

I now know that
on the outside,

I am a bit of
a cocksucker.

- Yeah.
- But deep down I'm nice.

- Not really.
- Yes, I ami. I'm like mafroom.

Hard and spiky
on the outside,

but soft and
really mushy on the in.

You're not like
mafroom at all. You're like an onion.

An outer layer
of cocksucker,

and when you
peel it away,

there is 10 more layers
of cocksucker underneath.

You are such a schmuck!

- Why are you speaking Yiddish?
- I picked it up.

What do you mean,
"I picked it up"? Who picks up Yiddish?

I'm in New York!

We're trying to erase
that country off the map!

I don't like the people,
but I like the way that

their words really sound like
what they're meant to be.

Oh, I'm sorry! Did I not get the
Evite to your bar mitzvah?

Oh, my God!

You've got real
chutzpah saying that!

Look, where has being
a nice guy gotten you, huh?

Standing on the edge
of a bridge about to commit suicide?

Still wearing Crocs?

What's wrong with Crocs?

They are the universal symbol of a
man who has given up hope!

You might as well
put sweatpants on

and go to Applebee's
for the rest of your life!

I'll give you that one.
I do look ridiculous.

Yes! Listen, if you won't
come down from there for yourself,

do it for your country.

If this constitution
is signed,

there will be free press,
women drivers, civil rights!

What are "civil rights"?

I'll tell you later.
They're hilarious.

Look, you alone can stop
these terrible things from happening.

You are the last
great dictator!

All of the others
are gone! Qaddafi,

Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney.

You are right, Nadal.

I will become
the greatest dictator of all,

the envy of madmen
everywhere!

Yes, Supreme Leader!

From the mountaintops of North Korea
to the jungles of Zimbabwe,

let every child labourer
and sweatshop factory worker sing,

"Oppressed at last!
Oppressed at last!

"Thank Aladeen,
I am oppressed at last!"

Yes! Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?

- No, no, no, no, don't fall.
- I'm not doing anything.

Just do like a pull-up.
You know how you do pull-ups?

I invented the pull-up.

If you're just joining us, we
are at the Lancaster Hotel,

where in about 20 minutes,

General Aladeen will be signing the
new Wadiyan constitution.

Dignitaries from
around the world

are arriving now to witness
the creation of a democracy

that will undoubtedly change
the political landscape

of the entire region.

As Waeiya goes,
so goes North Africa.

Edward Norton,
tell Viggo Mortensen he is on my radar.

How do you say,
"Fly is in the soup"?

Gentlemen, Tamir.

Let me introduce you
to my beautiful wife.

Mrs Lao, it is my
very great pleasure.

No, no, no, no.
She does not speak English.

Watch this.

You ugly horse!

She doesn't know.

"Ohhh." See?
She goes "Ohhh" all the time. Watch.

Shaved ape.

"Ohhh."

Wait. That is how you intend to get me
across to the Lancaster?

Absolutely.

- Where'd you get that?
- I built it.

When I was going
to assassinate you.

You mean my double.

Sure. Yeah.

Bingo!

Love it!

- Here's what you do.
- Okay.

Zipline across,
kill the double,

and then rip up the constitution in
front of the world's media.

Piece of cake.

Hello, Lancaster!

I don't understand
what has happened.

My calculations
were very precise.

If you lose enough weight,
then the zipline will work.

Do you have anything
in your pockets?

Let me check.

What is that?

It's Vita Coco water.

Why do you have
Vita Coco water?

Because it has
as much potassium as three bananas.

The line is
still too heavy.

Is there anything else in your pockets
that could be weighing you down?

You're kidding. So then why did
you bring three bananas?

Because I don't trust the
advertising. I'm naturally suspicious.

Is there anything else you're
carrying? You're still too heavy.

Just this.

What is that, a brick?

All this time you've had a
brick? Why do you have that?

Well, to balance out
the weight from the other one.

You have two bricks?

Yes!

Throw them down
immediately!

Oh, my God!
There's a little goat eating the wire!

You need to lose
weight immediately!

My pockets are empty.
I could poo.

That won't be enough
to make a difference.

Yes, it will.
I haven't gone since Wadiya.

Losing power
has stopped me up like a cork.

Hurry!

Come on, Supreme Leader!
Make it rain! Make it rain!

It's out!
And it's pointy!

Somebody stop that man!

Yes!

What? No, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

Supreme Leader!

Get out of here
before Tamir kills you.

Who is Tamir?

Tamir...

The bald bastard
who did all these terrible things to us!

I thought
his name was Dennis.

How would you
even make that leap? Tamir to Dennis?

- Go on, get out! Get out!
- Come on, Montzi!

Quick!

Just jump.
It's not that far.

Efawadh.

It is almost time.

I like goats.

I am very stupid.

This is
an historic moment.

Admiral General
Aladeen of Wadiya

is going to be signing

the first democratic
constitution in the history of his nation.

Across the globe,
people are glued to their television sets.

The people of Wadiya
are celebrating

what will be
a new chapter in their country.

Just moments away now
from putting his signature

on the first
democratic constitution.

That's Tamir Mafraad,
Aladeen's trusted advisor,

sharing a lighthearted moment with
Chinese businessman, Xiang Lao.

Any thoughts on
what they might be saying, Mike?

I thought I made out
the words "Harvey Keitel."

Don't know
what that meant.

Maybe they shared
a hot dog together, I'm thinking?

That would make sense. He's wiping the
mustard off his face and chest.

Excuse me!

You have to let me in.
You don't understand.

He's trying to
stop the signing!

Tamir is now speaking.

Today,

we begin a new era.

Wadiya will be
open to the world.

Open to the future.

And open for business.

The document is
ready to be signed, Supreme Leader.

What are you doing?
This man is an imposter!

No! This traitor tried to kill me
and had my beard removed!

Look!

Arrest the viper Tamir!

And now in another

amazing turn of events,
Tamir Mafraad is being taken away.

This constitution

is nothing
but a license for oil companies

and foreign interests
to destroy my beloved Wadiya!

Wadiya will remain
a dictatorship!

Oh, be quiet.

Why are you guys
so anti dictators?

Imagine if America
was a dictatorship.

You could let 1% of the people
have all the nation's wealth.

You could help
your rich friends

get richer by
cutting their taxes

and bailing them out
when they gamble and lose.

You could ignore the needs of the poor
for health care and education.

Your media
would appear free

but would secretly be controlled
by one person and his family.

You could wiretap phones,
you could torture foreign prisoners.

You could have
rigged elections.

You could lie about
why you go to war.

You could fill your prisons

with one particular racial group
and no one would complain!

You could use the media
to scare the people

into supporting policies
that are against their interests.

I know this is hard
for you Americans to imagine,

but please try.

I will tell you
what democracy is!

Democracy is the worst!

Endless talking
and listening to every stupid opinion!

And everybody's
vote counts,

no matter how
crippled or black or female they are.

Democracy...

Democracy

has hairy armpits
and could lose five pounds.

Democracy looks like
a midget in a chemo wig.

Democracy kisses you
because she wants to,

not because her father
is in the next room chained to a radiator

with electrodes
attached to his nipples.

Democracy is flawed!
She is not perfect!

But democracy,

I love you.

And that is
why I call for real democracy!

A real constitution!

And real elections
in Wadiya!

Oh, no!

Come on!

Democracy,
I will make you one of my wives.

Okay, only wife.
We'll vote on it.

I'll shave
my armpits for you.

Praise be to the Creator!

And please stop using
that organic deodorant.

You could gas the Kurds
with that stench.

You died
protecting me, Efawadh.

Hello!

You are alive?

Of coursei.
It is my job to be shot in the head.

- Is he okay?
- He's fine.

Luckily the bullet
hit him in the brain.

So,

what now?

I return to Wadiya
to participate in fair elections.

Let's now look back
at the wonderful events of the past year.

After Wadiya's
first free elections,

President Prime Minister
Admiral General Aladeen

won 98.8% of the vote.

But the big story today is the
marriage of President Prime Minister

Admiral General Aladeen
and his new bride, Zoey.

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Are you okay, my love?
What did you step on?

Oh, yes! No, no.

It's my people's tradition.
We always smash a glass at weddings.

- I'm Jewish!
- What?

Mazel tov!

Are you okay?

That's fine.
I don't mind. It's great!

Come here, my love.

Jachnoon, President
Prime Minister Aladeen.

Jachnoon. Nadal. I have to be back
at the palace in an hour.

Zoey thinks I'm at yoga.

I have great news.

We are just days
away from testing the new missiles.

I have re-engineered
the oxidizing ducts

and the payload
delivery systems.

But you'll be happy to know,
the missile is now pointy!

Who cares if it's pointy?

What?

You do.
You care if it's pointy.

Why would I care
about such a trivial detail?

Are you serious?
Are you serious right now?

Of course I'm serious.

That's why you
had me executed!

The shape of the missile has nothing to
do with the payload delivery.

That's what I said!
That's what I said the first time!

No, that's what I said,
and you went crazy.

No!

So, we're opening
300 Women's Centres,

but I'm going to have to take a
break for a little bit because

I'm pregnant.

What?

Are you having a boy
or an abortion?

Hello, gentlemen.
How you doin'?

Are you guys friends
of the deceased?

Do you want me to say this
in front of his widow?

I was his lover.

No. That is
not true.

I saw him perform
with the Globetrotters.

I thought
he was outstanding. I befriended him.

No, it's
a different person.

His message
of don't worry and being happy

was so powerful.

No, this is
Bobby McFerrin. I told you this outside.

Whatever the scandal
you went through,

you're still
the best golfer in the world.

Let's go.

Okay. Let's rehearse this.
Role play, role play.

So, Secretary General,
your soldiers will weep...

I am so sorry!

Listen, it was
not my fault.

I mean, somebody had
set the safety catch

to "Aladeen"
instead of "Aladeen."

Look, I mean,
this whole gun...

Zoey.

That's some good head!

That is called payback
and it feels so good!

How did it feel for you?
How did it feel for you?

I prefer it with goats.

Where is
the Supreme Leader?

No, no.

Now that is
called payback!

Oh, great!

Don't touch it.
Don't touch it.

You don't have
to touch it.

Sorry. I was...

Just give us...
We don't...

Just give me
a couple of millimetres to myself.