All language subtitles for Dogma (1999)23.976fps- 128.11 min mp4 yifd-addEndSong

Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force behind
Catholicism Wow! Cardinal Glick.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, we all know how the majority...

and the media in this country
view the Catholic Church.

They think of us as a passé, archaic institution.
People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey.

Now, in an effort to disprove all that...

the Church has appointed this year as a time
of renewal both of faith and of style.

For example, the crucifix.

While it has been a time-honored
symbol of our faith...

Holy Mother Church has decided to retire...

this highly recognizable yet wholly depressing
image of our Lord, crucified.

Christ didn't come to Earth
to give us the willies.

He came to help us out.

He was a booster, and it's with
that take on our Lord in mind...

that we've come up with a
new, more inspiring sigil.

So it is with great pleasure that
I present you with the first...

of many revamps the Catholicism Wow!
campaign will unveil over the next year,

I give you "The Buddy Christ".

That's not the sanctioned term
we're using for the symbol.

Just something we've been
kicking around the office.

But look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ.

Well, there you have it.

Let me get this straight.

You don't believe in God because
of Alice in Wonderland?

No, Through the Looking Glass.

That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter",
is an indictment of organized religion.

The Walrus, with his girth and good nature
he obviously represents either Buddha...

or... or with his tusks, the Hindu
elephant god, Lord Ganesha.

That takes care of your Eastern religions.

Now, the Carpenter, it's an obvious
reference to Jesus Christ...

who was raised a carpenter's son,
he represents Western religions.

Now, in the poem, what do
they do? What do they do

They... they dupe all these oysters
into following them...

and then proceed to shuck and devour
the helpless creatures en masse.

I don't know what that says
to you, but to me it says...

that following these faiths based
on mythological figures...

he sure the destruction of one's inner being.

Organized religion destroys who we are...

by inhibiting our actions, by
inhibiting our decisions...

out of... out of fear of some... some
intangible parent figure...

who... who shakes a finger at us
from thousands of years ago...

and says... and says "Do it... do
it and I'll fucking spank you!"

Oh, Jesus!

The way you put it, I've never really
thought about it like that before.

What have I been doing with my life?

- What am I...?
- Yeah, I know.

Listen, my advice to you...

you take this money you've been
collected for your parish...

go get yourself a nice dress,
you know? Fix yourself up.

Find some man, some woman, you can
connect with, even for a moment...

because that's really all life is, Sister,
it's a series of moments.

Why don't you seize yours?

Attagirl. Attagirl.

You know, here's what I don't get about you.

You know for a fact that there is a God.

You've been in his presence. He's
spoken to you personally.

- Yet I just heard you claim to be atheist.
- I like to fuck with the clergy, man.

I just love it. I love to keep
those guys on their toes.

Here's what I don't get about you.

Why do you feel the need to come
to this place all the time?

Oh, my friend, because this is humanity
at its best. Look at them.

All that anger, all that mistrust,
all that unhappiness...

forgotten for that one perfect moment
when they get off the plane.

See those two?

That guy doesn't know that the girl cheated
on him while she was away.

- She did?
- Twice.

- Nice.
- But it doesn't matter right now...

because they're just both so relieved
to be with one another.

I like that.

I wish they could all feel that way more often.

Is this why I had to come down here this
morning, man and I miss my fucking cartoons?

You call me, you tell me it's
important, you know?

What, to share in your half-assed
obsession with Hallmark moments?

We're going home.

Somebody sent us this in the mail.

Take it, man and quit leering at me. People
will think I just broke up with you.

- You did just say we're going home, hum?
- Read.

"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On
Catholicism Wow! Campaign."

And?

You have to keep reading.

"The rededication of St. Michael's Church"...

is the kickoff of a new campaign which seeks
to bring Catholicism into the mainstream.

With a papal sanction, the archway entrance...

of the century-old Jersey
Shore house of worship...

will serve as a passageway
of plenary indulgence...

a little-known Catholic belief offering
all that passes through it archs...

a morally clean slate.

For Sunday News Brief, I'm Grant Hicks.

Wait, all I gotta do, I walk through the arch
thing, and then I can go back home?

No. By walking through the archway,
all your sins are forgiven.

- Then all we have to do is die.
- Die? I don't wanna die.

You rather hang around here...

- for few more years?
- No. We don't know if we can die.

All right, but what if we can and then...
and then the arch thing doesn't work?

- What then, hell? Fuck that. Fuck that.
- It's impossible. If we cut off our wings and...

transubstantiate to complete human
form, we become mortal.

If we die with clean souls, there's
no way they can't keep us out.

We won't be angels anymore, but
at least we get to go home.

- Who sent the paper?
- Who cares who sent the paper?

All that matters is that after all these
years, we found a loophole.

He can't keep us out anymore.

Once we're back in, he'll
just forgive and forget.

But this thing is, this is... this is... this is... this
is... Church law. It's not divine mandate.

Church laws are fallible because
they're created by man.

One of the last sacred promises imparted
to Peter, the first pope...

by the son of God before he left was:

- "Whatever you hold true on Earth..."
- "I'll... I'll hold true in heaven".

It's dogmatic law. If the Church
says it's so, God must adhere.

This thing has a papal sanction...

Let it never be said your anal
retentive attention to detail...

- never yielded positive results.
- You can't be anal retentive...

- if you don't have an anus.
- Outstanding work!

Oh, there's just one thing I think
we gotta do before we leave.

- This will help us get back on his good side.
- What?

Here, I've been dreaming about
this for five years. Read that.

"Mooby, the Golden Calf. Creating
an empire out of simplicity".

I wanna hit them.

You really are Just a simple creature.

We find a way back and you
wanna jeopardize that...

because you yearn for the good old days.

Hey, what better way to repent than by
resuming the position I once denied...

thanks to you?

I really don't think a killing spree...

- is gonna make things better for us.
- Killing spree?

I'm talking about divine justice here.

I'm talking about raining down fire and
brimstone, punishing the wicked.

He's all about that. I know he'd want this done.

There hasn't been an Angel
of Death since you quit.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

And besides, what if you're
wrong, like you always are?

If I'm wrong, which I'm not,
it's not gonna matter.

We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway.

- We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.
- Well, he does hate competition. I will say that.

And your Mooby certainly
falls under that heading.

Uh, where is this church we have to go to?

New Jersey. Rededication
ceremony is in four days.

Last four days on Earth? Hmm,
if I had a dick, I'd go get laid.

- We can do the next best thing.
- What's that?

Well, let's kill people.

Oh, not you.

The Great Illinois Chapter of the
Right to Life Foundation...

will be holding its biannual softball game...

against the Cook County Pro-Choice
League next Sunday at 2.

Today's second collection will be donated
to the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.

For those of you who haven't
followed the news...

san unidentified homeless
man who was accosted...

and severely beaten at the New
Jersey Shore last Tuesday...

lies in critical but stable condition
in one of that area's hospitals.

He lacks identification...

and police have had no luck tracking
down any possible family.

The archbishop of the Trenton diocese
has disputed the state's decision...

to remove the indigent man
from life-support systems...

asking that Catholics all over the country
join in this protest against euthanasia.

Well, now please rise for
the recession of faith.

We believe in one god, the Father Almighty
maker of heaven and earth.

We believe in Jesus Christ,
his only son, our Lord...

Hey, choose life!

You're gonna burn in hell,
you fucking baby killer!

- Holy shit, it's the pope.
- Where?

Hey, what are you talking about?

Jesus. You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?

They hate me more than you, no doubt.

At least you have an excuse. You're
Jewish. You don't know any better.

I heared we go for that one. We already used
that excuse when we killed Christ.

So, where were you yesterday?
We went to brunch.

- I went to church.
- That still kills me, you and church.

If only they knew your tithing came
from a Planned Parenthood check.

I don't know why I still go, Liz.

I can remember going to church when
I was young and being moved.

Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing.

I don't think I have any faith left.

Do you have remember that seminary
student who used to mow my lawn...

the one I tried to set you up with?

The 20-year-old. The one I could
have babysat for in high school.

Right, well, the point is, he told me something.

He said that faith is like a glass of water.

When you're young, the glass is
little, so it's easy to fill.

As you get older, the glass gets bigger. The
same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore.

- But periodically the glass has to be refilled.
- You're suggesting I need to get filled?

In more ways than one. You need
to get laid, Bethany Sloane.

You need a man, if only for 10 minutes.

It's been my experience is that the
average male is never a man...

not even for 10 minutes in his entire life span.

That sounds a little bit militant. You thinking
of joining the other side?

Couldn't do it. Women are insane.

Well, then you need to go back to church
and ask God for a third option.

- I think God is dead.
- The sign of a true Catholic.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.

I'm from the EPA.

We're checking on possible Freon leaks.

Tell me, do you have air conditioning?

- Yes, we have central air.
- In every room?

Except the bathroom. Why?

Oh, well, you do know what
that means, don't you?

Move.

No pleasure, no rapture, no
exquisite sin greater...

than central air.

Pick that up.

This will be the base of operations
from here on in.

Now, if I remember the protocol correctly...

the powers will attempt to
contact the last scion.

I need you three, to shuffle
her loose the mortal coil.

Go.

Behold the Metatron! Herald of the Almighty
and voice of the one true god!

Behold the Metatron!

Herald of the Almighty and
voice of the one true god!

Behold the Metatron!

Herald of the Almighty and
voice of the one true go...

Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can?

Who the fuck are you and what the
fuck are you doing in my room?

I'm a little soaked and she's the
one that's surly. That's rich.

- Stubbed my fucking...
- Get the fuck out of here, now!

Or you'll do what exactly? Hit me with that fish?

Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up.

Jesus wept! Look at my suit.

Look, just take what you want,
but don't kill or rape me.

No, give over! Will you? I couldn't rape you
if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.

See?

I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

Make yourself useful and give me that towel.

Honestly, you bottom-feeders
and your arrogance.

You think everybody's just trying
to get in your knickers.

- What are you?
- I'm pissed off is what I am.

Do you drench everyone who comes in
here with flame-retardant chemicals?

No wonder you're single.

Stand back.

As I was saying...

prior to your fire-fighting episode...

I am the Metatron.

Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell.

You people.

If there isn't a movie about it,
it's not worth knowing, is it?

I am a seraphim.

The highest choir of angels.

You do know what an angel is, don't you?

Metatron acts as the voice of God.

Any occasion when some yahoo claims
that God has spoken to them...

they're speaking to me.

Or they're talking to themselves.

Why doesn't God speak for himself?

Glad you decided to join the conversation.
To answer that...

human beings have neither the aural
nor the psychological capacity...

to withstand the awesome
power of God's true voice.

Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and
your heart would explode within your chest.

We went through five Adams before
we figured that one out.

Oh, how do I know you're an angel?

What, I mean, aside from the fiery entrance
and the expansive wingspan?

You want more proof?

Fine.

How about tequila?

Where the hell are we?

Only place you can go for a good tequila.

- Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass.
- Si.

Gracias, senor.

We're in Mexico?

Actually, we're in the franchised
Mexican eatery...

down the street from your apartment but...

it's impressive nonetheless.

You don't mind I lost the wings, do you?
I'm trying to keep our profile low.

What do you want with me?

- I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
- For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.

Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished.

And no one's asking you to build an ark.
All you gotta do is go to New Jersey...

and visit a small church on a very
important day. Oh, gracias.

New Jersey?

That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.

- Aside from the fine print, that's it.
- What's the fine print?

Stop a couple angels from entering
and thus negating all existence.

Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Stop a couple of angels from entering
and thus negating all existence.

I hate it when people need
it spelled out for them.

You might want to clarify that.

Back in the old days, God was
vengeful and hot-tempered.

And his wrath was bore by the
Angel of Death, name of Loki.

When Sodom and Gomorrah was
destroyed... that was Loki.

When the waters wiped out everything
except Noah and his menagerie...

that was Loki. And he was
good at what he did.

But one day he refused to bear
God's wrath any longer.

- Why?
- He listened to his friend...

- a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.
- Grigori?

One of the choirs of angels.
They're called Watchers.

Guess what they do.

So one day, Loki's wiping out
all the firstborn of Egypt...

The Tenth Plague.

Tell a person you're the Metatron,
they stare blankly.

Mention something in out of
a Charlton Heston movie...

and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar.
May I continue uninterrupted?

Once he's done with the firstborn...

Loki takes his friend Bartleby out
for a post-slaughter drink.

And over many rounds...

they get into this discussion about whether
murder in God's name is okay. And in the end...

bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and
take one which doesn't involve slaughter. So...

very inebriated...

Loki tells God he quits, throws down his
fiery sword and gives him the finger.

Which ruins it for the rest of us because
from that day forward...

God decreed that angels could no longer
imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.

So for their insolence...

God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby
would ever be allowed back into Paradise.

- Were they sent to hell?
- Worse. Wisconsin...

for the entire span of human history.

And when the world ends, they'll have
to sit outside the gates for eternity.

And this has what to do with me?

Someone has clued them in to a
loophole in Catholic dogma...

- that would allow them to reenter heaven.
- So what? They beat the system.

- Good for them.
- It's not that simple.

If they get in, they will have
reversed God's decree.

Now listen closely because
this bit's very important.

Existence in all its form and splendor
functions solely on one principle:

God is infallible.

To prove him wrong...

would undo reality and everything that is.

Up would become down, black
would become white.

Existence would become
nothingness. In essence...

...if they're allowed to enter that church...

they'll unmake the world.

If this is so major, why are you talking to me?

Why doesn't God do something about it?

He could. But he'd rather see you
take care of this one personally.

Why me?

- Because of who you are.
- And who am I?

The girl in the P.J.'s! Don't ask so many
questions. Just serve your purpose.

- I'm gonna have to pass.
- I beg your pardon?

When some quiet little infection destroyed
my uterus, where was God?

When my husband decided he couldn't be
with a wife who couldn't bear children...

where was God?

To hell with him.

Don't allow eons of history and life
to get blinked out of being...

just because you go of a grudge
against your creator.

So you lost the ability to make life.

You're being offered the chance
to play mother to the world...

by acting like one and protecting it. Saving it!

But I can't make you.

However, if you should decide to stop being
selfish and accept your responsibility...

you won't be alone.

- You'll have support.
- What? More angels?

Prophets.

In a manner of speaking. Two of them.

The one who speaks...

And he will, at great length, whether
you want him to or not.

will make mention of himself as a prophet.

The other one...

well, he's the quiet type. Look, I've gotta go.

Just try to remember, we're working
in a time frame here.

Hey.

- What's he like?
- God?

Lonely...

but funny.

He's got a great sense of humor.

Sex, for example. There's nothing funnier...

than the ridiculous faces you
people make mid-coitus.

Sex is a joke in heaven?

The way I understand it, it's mostly
a joke down here too.

I'll see you.

Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!

Go back to your paper routes,
you Mighty Duck Fucks!

Snoogans. Did you see that shit, man?

I know they were just kids, but we kicked
their fucking pubeless asses!

I don't know what to say or think, except...

- That you'll offer us sex as a reward?
- That I'd like to know who they and you are.

Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero
life mate, Silent Bob.

I don't know those kids, but they
would have kicked yours...

- and lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.
- Well, thanks for being out here so late.

Wait a minute. Are you protestors?

You mean those dickheads with signs
and pictures of dead babies?

Shit, no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.

A woman's body is her own fucking business.

- But what are you doing hanging around?
- We're here to pick up chicks.

Excuse me?

We figure abortion clinics are a good
place to meet loose women.

Why else would they be here
unless they like to fuck?

Right.

Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue.

- I think.
- Wait... wait a second.

We just saved your ass, and
you're just gonna take off.

What the shit is that?

I had a really weird night last night and
tonight's not shaping up to be better.

I think I should go home, take
some Percosets and lay down.

Now, how about that shit? Fuck this town, man!

I'm going back to Jersey and
starting the business again.

I can kick the shit out of kids in Red
Bank and make myself a profit.

Prophets. Two of them.

- You know what I'm saying, Silent Bob? Fuck...
- You gotta be kidding me.

We call this piece "The Fecalator".

One look at it and the target shits him or herself.

Try it on.

I mean, it's a lot more compact
than the flaming sword...

but it's not nearly as impressive.

It doesn't have that "wrath
of the Almighty" edge to it.

How am I supposed to strike fear into the
hearts of the wicked with this thing?

Look at this.

Well, then, you know, don't use a
gun. Lay the place to waste like.

Well, easy for you to say. You
get off light in a razing.

You got to stand and read at Sodom and
Gomorrah. I had to do all the work.

What work did you do? Did
you...? You lit a few fires.

I rained down sulfur, man.
There's a subtle difference.

Okay, I'm sure.

Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron
with a pack of matches can set a fire.

Raining down sulfur is an endurance trial.

Mass genocide is the most exhausting
activity one can do... next to soccer.

I'll take this one.

So, what's up? You have a friend for
Silent Bob, or you gonna do us both?

- If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
- You're a man of principle.

Jersey's pretty far from McHenry.
May I ask what brought you here?

- Some fuck named John Hughes.
- Sixteen Candles John Hughes?

You know that guy too? That fucking guy.

He made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not
bad. There's tits in it, but no bush.

But Ebert here don't give a shit
about that kind of thing...

because he's in love with
this John Hughes guy.

He goes out and rents every one of his movies.

Fucking Breakfast Club, where stupid
kids actually show up for detention.

Fucking Weird Science, where this babe
wants to take gear off and get down...

but, oh, no, she don't, because it's a PG movie.

And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch
with this tubby bitch anymore...

because every time we sit far with the redhead
hooks up with her dream guy...

he starts sobbing like a little bitch
with a skinned knee and shit.

And there's nothing worse than watching
a fucking fat man weep.

What exactly brought you to Illlinois?

See, all these movies take place in this
small town called Shermer, Illinois...

where all the honeys are top-shelf but
all the dudes are whiny pussies.

Except for Judd Nelson. He was fucking harsh.

But best of all...

there was no one dealing, man.

Then it hits me. We could live like phat rats...

...if we were the blunt connection
in Shermer, Illinois.

So we collected some money we
were owed and caught a bus.

But you know what the fuck we
found out when we got there?

There is no Shermer in Illinois.
Movies are fucking bullshit.

- When are you going to New Jersey?
- Jeez, this broad asks a lot of questions.

- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.

Yeah. So you do anal?

Is it true chicks fart if you blast them in the ass?

- I didn't ask you out for sex.
- I'll take head.

This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe
I'm even thinking about this but...

I think I should go with you.

What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?

All right, but Silent Bob gets to live
with us and you pay the rent.

- No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.
- Really?

- You're going to lead me somewhere.
- Me lead you?

Lady, look at me. I don't even know
where I am half the time.

If we're not gonna fuck, then what
the fuck did you ask us out for?

Someone said I'd meet you and you'd take
me someplace I'm supposed to go.

What the hell are you babbling about?

All we knows, we saved your ass from
some angry fucking dwarves...

and now you telling us we're supposed to take
you somewhere as if we know where it is?

Do you believe in God?

Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches out in
front of that place and we get the Jesus freak?

- Let's get out of here.
- No, wait.

- I'll scream rape.
- I can pay you.

Pay?

A hundred bucks for being my guide.

You were going to Jersey anyway.
All I'm asking is to tag along.

I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's
Ben Kenobi and we're in that fucked-up bar!

What about sex?

No sex.

All right, let's say we're caught in a situation
where we have five minutes left to live.

I don't know, a bomb or something's gonna
go off. Would you fuck us then?

In that highly unlikely situation?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah? She's a slut.

All right.

But I get to drive.

- What gear are you in?
- Gear?

Well, what do I know about shifting?

Like I ever drove before.

Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania...

...New Jersey.

Maybe you're wrong on the slaughter thing.

How can you be sure what incurs
the Lord's wrath these days?

Times change.

I remember eating meat on a Friday
used to be a hell-worthy trespass.

The major sins never change.

And besides, you know, I can spot
a commandment-breaker...

from, like, a mile away. It's oh, bet on it.

This from the guy who still owes
me 10 bucks so over that bet...

about which was gonna be the bigger
movie, E. T. or Krush Groove.

You know, fuck you, man, because
time's gonna tell on that one.

What, are you insinuating that I don't
have what it takes anymore?

Insinuating, no.

Flat-out telling you.

- Right there. Right there. There's one.
- So? They're kissing.

Adultery.

- Adultery?
- Adultery.

You are just a simple creature.

- Am I right or what?
- I happen to know the truth.

I'm not gonna tell. I wanna see how
boned up on the job you are.

- What's your proof?
- He's wearing a wedding band.

And it never occurred to you
that maybe she's his wife?

No married man kisses his wife like that.

Okay. Well, it's a good thing you were never...

the deciding member on
a jury is all I'm saying.

"No married man kisses his wife
like that"? Are you stoned?

Excuse me.

Are you married?

Why?

I'm just curious.

What do you think?

- What?
- To her?

- What?
- Are you married to her?

Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no.

Why?

Whose house?

Run's house

I said, whose house? Run's house

Whose house, say what?
Run's house, say what?

Martin, Martin.

She's fucking pissed, dude. She's
never gonna fuck us now.

Well, maybe you, but definitely not me.

Let me know how she is.

Nobody is fucking me! You got that?

I don't know what I was
thinking in that diner...

but being that I've decided to go
home, and not to New Jersey...

sorry for the inconvenience, and goodbye.

You're breaking up with us?

Who the hell do you think you are, lady?

You can't just go around breaking
people's hearts like that!

I fell in love with you! We fell in love with you!

Guys like us just don't fall out
of the fucking sky, you know.

Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just
don't fall out of the sky, you know.

No heartbeat.

You think someone threw him out a plane
with a message on him like in Con Air?

- Did you ever see that flick?
- Oh, did that suck!

- Con Air? Con Shit.
- Kill it! Kill it!

- Sounds familiar.
- Jesus, are you okay?

Yeah, it's Rufus. And yeah, I'm fine.

- He's the fucking undead! Cut his head off!
- Hey! What I just did...

gave me a fucking migraine!

So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna
yank your sac off like a paper towel.

Speaking of which, you're awfully nude.

- Rufus, is it?
- Yes, Rufus it is.

Uh, it's usually Long Rufus, but it's a
little cold out here. You understand.

Big Papa, how about lending a brother
your coat till I find threads?

Dude, he fell out of thin air.

Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing
inside of your armor.

- Dude!
- Yeah, thanks a lot, baby.

I'll do my best to tuck it back.

You know, it's been a while since
physics but I would think...

the impact with which you hit the
asphalt would have liquefied you.

You know, death is a worry of the living.

The dead, like myself, only worry
about decay and necrophiliacs.

- Told you he was the undead.
- Not the undead. The dead. I died.

You know, Christ told me the
secret to resurrection once.

We were at this wedding in Canaan,
right? And I got drunk and forgot it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Christ?

You knew Christ?

Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks.

Let me guess.

- You're another angel?
- Oh, I ain't no angel, I ain't no angel.

I'm a man, just like you and
him. Well, maybe not him.

At least I was a man.

Been dead nearly 2000 years.
Here, check this out.

You know, no wonder he saw Jesus.
Homey's rocking the ganj.

It's not a joint.

I can't read this.

It's Aramaic. It says, "Rufus,
see you in two years. Jesus".

Freaked me out because he basically
told me when my number was up.

Took all the flavor out of the remaining
years. Look, we gotta get move.

Let's say we continue this discussion over
a two-piece and a biscuit. Come on

I'm starving. Back off, Kato.

Wait a second!

Between guys with wings, guys
falling out of the sky...

and guys trying like hell to fuck me...

I think I've been a pretty good
sport about all this so far.

But I'm not going anywhere until
I find out where you came from.

Me? I came from heaven.

Now let's start walking.

Walk? Fuck you! Do you know how
far we are from anywheres?

Hey, man, back in the old days with
J.C., we used to walk everywhere.

Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?

What the hell's an apostle?

Let me get this straight. She's
already met the prophets...

and the apostle's with them?

I think that our best course of action is
to ensure that our parcel is not found.

And being that I can't even trust
you enough to kill a woman...

well, I'm left with no choice but to seek outside
assistance in guarding said package.

I'm gonna have to summon the Golgothan.

I appreciate the loan, brother.
You can have that back.

Man, I remember when all we had for
breakfast was fish and goat's milk.

- What do you call this shit?
- Egga Mooby Muffin.

Now, how about you start explaining
somethings, like for starters...

how did you know to find us?

You know what the dead do
with most of their time?

- Watch the living. Especially in the shower.
- Sure, I can't wait to die.

- And why are you watching me?
- Because you're the one gonna help me...

get some changes made in that
book you put so much stock in.

- Hustler?
- The Bible!

- What's your beef with the Bible?
- Look, for starters, I'm not in it.

Well, neither are anyone of us. You don't
hear us bitching and moaning.

Yeah, but I'm supposed to be
in it. I was the 13th apostle.

I've gone to church my whole life and never
heard of the 13th apostle, the Rufus.

Yeah, but you heard of the other 12 apostles.

Yeah, all white boys, I might add.
But no mention of me, Rufus.

And why is that? Because I'm a black man.

But you know what? That's just my pet peeve.

I'm mainly here to correct a major error
you've been basing the faith on.

- What's that?
- Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black.

I don't buy it.

If that's true then, why did he get written
about and you were left out?

Well, he is the son of God.

Kind of hard to have a New
Testament without him.

So you fudge a few facts, you
put a spin on his ethnicity.

Leaving me out's okay because you still
got 12 white boys to choose from.

You gonna listen to this shit?

That's what the good people of Antioch
said right before they stoned my ass.

- You were martyred?
- That's one way of putting it.

Another way is to say I was bludgeoned
by big fucking rocks.

I mean, white folks only wanna
hear the good shit:

Life eternal, a place in God's heaven.

But as soon as you hear you're getting this
good shit from a black Jesus, you freak.

And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy.

A black man can steal your stereo,
but he can't be your savior.

Gonna eat that hash brown?

So you went to heaven?

You, damn right I went to heaven!
Shit, that's the least he could do.

You know, in the three years I followed his
ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?

Hell, no. And I was in my prime.

I mean, I could have been knee-deep
in shepherds' daughters...

not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene.

She had a thing for dark meat.

Maybe this is just me talking,
but if I were in heaven...

I wouldn't care what the Bible said
as long as the message was right.

The message is what counts.

But folks who build their faith on that
message should be colorblind.

And all my rabble-rousing is
not doing that much above.

So I'm gonna need some help down here.

That's why I'm gonna help stop those
angels from getting into that church...

in exchange for you helping
me with my campaign.

How do you know about that, the angels?

- There isn't much I don't know about you.
- I find that hard to believe.

Check this out, when you were 5, you let
a kid from next door piss in your hand.

Yo, you did that shit? You're nasty.

I never told anybody about that.

Neither did he. Two years later,
that kid died of leukemia.

- His name was Brian Johnson.
- Brian Johnson.

See, your exploits, no matter how inane
are well documented in heaven.

Probably hell too.

Where are you going?

Yo, man, tell me something about me.

You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

So, fuck. Everyone knows that. Tell
me something nobody knows.

When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

- Dude, not all the time.
- Sorry if I scared you.

You know, two-thirds of me wants
to forget about this and go home.

Yesterday, I wasn't sure if God even existed.

Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology.

Let me let you in on a little inside info.

God hates it when it's referred
to as "mythology".

Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets"
what we should call it instead.

Where did those two assholes go?

What are you doing?

Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.

- What?
- Long story. Forget it.

We gotta get moving. How can we get to Jersey?

We take the train. I'll call for reservations.

I thought she looked familiar.

- Who?
- Serendipity.

Morning, shoppers.

Good morning.

- Has anyone seen the overnights?
- No, sir.

- We creamed them.
- All right.

Last night was a rerun, which says to me not...

Do I smell onions?

Excuse me.

May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?

You may proceed, mon ami.

I'm gonna have to start by apologizing. My
friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.

Oh, come on!

Would you just relax? I'm doing it.

Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former
kindergarten teacher, in 1989.

Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991.

Broadcast nationally as the
Mooby Fun-Time Hour.

Since its inception, has spawned
two theatrical films...

...16 records, eight prime-time specials...

and a library of priced-to-own
videocassettes.

Not to mention bicoastal theme
parks dubbed "Mooby World".

- Did I... did I miss anything?
- You forgot Mooby Magazine.

- Damn it!
- Now, is there a point to this?

You and your board are idolaters.

I can't believe you forgot the magazine.

That's you.

Do you know much about voodoo?

That's a fascinating practice. No real
doctrine of faith to speak of.

More an arrangement of superstitions
the most well-known of which...

...is the voodoo doll.

You see...

a mockup of an individual is subjected
to various pokes and prods.

The desired result is that the individual
will feel those effects.

- Call security, now!
- Yes, sir.

All lines are currently down.

- Okay, I have to apologize...
- Would you just knock it off?

Hey, stop, you're doing it again.

- Stop. What did we talk about?
- Fuck.

You are responsible for raising an icon
which draws worship from the Lord.

You have broken the First Commandment.

More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you
passes for a decent human being.

Your continued existence
is a mockery of morality.

Like you, Mr. Burton.

Last year, you cheated on your
wife of 17 years eight times.

You even had sex with her best friend while you
were supposed to be home watching the kids.

In the bed that you and
your wife share, no less.

Mr. Newman.

You got your girlfriend drunk at
last year's Christmas party...

and then paid a kid from the mail room to have
sex with her while she was passed out...

just so you could break
up with her guilt-free...

when she sobbingly confessed in the morning.

She killed herself three months later.

Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.
Very compassionate, Mr. Brace.

Mr. Ray put his mother in a
third-rate nursing home...

and used the profits from the sale of her home...

to buy an Oriental rug for himself.

Heavens.

Oh, Mr. Barker flew to Thailand
on the company account...

to have sex with an 11-year-old boy.

Mr. Holtzman okayed the production
of Mooby Dolls...

from materials he knew to
be toxic and unsafe...

because it was, survey says...

less costly.

You, on the other hand...

are an innocent.

You lead a good life.

Good for you.

But you, Mr. Whitland...

you have more skeletons in your
closet than this assembled party.

I cannot even mention them aloud.

You're his father, you sick fuck.

- Good.
- Not bad, right?

That's great work. Very good.

Well...

alone at last.

You know with the exception of Miss Pryce here
there isn't a decent human being amongst you.

Not one.

Do you know what makes a human being decent?

Fear.

And therein lies the problem.

None of you has anything left to fear anymore.

You rest comfortably in seats
of inscrutable power...

hiding behind your false idol,
far from judgment...

lives shrouded in secrecy,
even from one another.

But not from God.

Forgot my little voodoo doll.

Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it?

Look, I mean, I'm been... if I
believed enough in this...

I wonder...

Come on. I don't believe in voodoo.

Voodoo.

But I do believe in this.

Don't run! Don't run!

Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes! Oh, and you!

- Oh, great, you were on your last...
- I do believe in this.

- What does that mean?
- And one to grow on.

Gum?

Go on. It's okay.

You've done nothing wrong.
These guys were fakes.

You're a pure soul.

But you didn't say "God bless
you" when I sneezed.

Loki!

You're getting off light.

- Loki!
- I know. I'm coming.

You're so lucky.

I forgot you were down here. How long now?

Three years this August.

Let me guess, 14th apostle, left out of
the Bible because she's a woman?

Oh, this girl's no woman.

Oh. Those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?

What, these?

You should know better than anyone at this
table here that tits don't make a woman.

Hell, the tubby, coat-wearing
motherfucker's got tits.

What traditionally defines a woman
falls between two things:

Her legs.

But as you can see...

I lack definition.

Hey, they're getting a free show!
Let me see that shit!

Oh, God, another angel like Metatron.

How do you know Metatron...? How
does she know Metatron?

- This is the last scion.
- You're kidding, wow.

I'm confused.

Uh, Bethany, uh, Serendipity here
isn't technically an angel.

Nor is she, by any means, a human
being like I was and you are.

- I used to be an abstract.
- Now I'm really confused.

I'm a muse, stupid.

I can't take much more of this.
So you, what, inspire people?

What just went down with your friends there...

It doesn't take a muse to inspire horny
retards to empty their wallets.

I used to specialize in entertainment.

For example, I'm responsible for 19 of
the 20 top-grossing films of all time.

- Nineteen?
- Yeah.

The one about the kid by himself in his house...

burglars trying to come in
and he fights them off...

I had nothing to do with that one.

Somebody sold their soul to Satan to
get grosses up on that piece of shit.

- What are you doing stripping?
- Well, you remember why I left, right?

Because you were tired of doing all the work
and getting none of the credit for your ideas.

So I opted to quit being a muse
and write for myself.

I gave my two weeks' notice,
got a body, 50 bucks...

and got sent out into the world
to make my fortune.

So, what happened?

Writer's block.

Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake.

I can inspire anyone I meet and give out
a zillion and nine ideas a second...

but I can't keep any for myself.

Her quirky sense of humor.

- Whose?
- God's.

- You're saying God's a woman?
- Was there a doubt in your mind?

- He's always referred to as "him".
- Well, that's not how I wrote it.

But one of the drawbacks to being intangible is
that you have no say in the editorial process.

The people that held the pens
added their own perspective...

and all the penholders were men.

So she became a he. Doesn't
stop with God either.

The whole book's gender-biased.

A woman's responsible for original sin.
A woman cuts Samson's coif of power.

A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.

Read that book again sometimes.

Women are bigger antagonists than
Egyptians and Romans combined.

It stinks.

- Why is the last scion here?
- Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.

- Not the plenary-indulgence loophole.
- You know about that?

I always knew that thing was a bad idea.

- Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
- You have issues with Catholicism, I take it?

I have issues with anyone who treat God
like a burden instead of a blessing...

like some Catholics.

You people don't celebrate
your faith, you mourn it.

- So, if we're wrong, what religion is right?
- It's not about who's right or wrong.

No denomination's nailed it yet, because
they're all too self-righteous to realize...

that it doesn't matter what you have
faith in, just that you have faith.

Your hearts are in the right place,
but your brains gotta wake up.

Look, they made me and Silent
Bob part of the gang.

Who fucking farted?

Not born. Shit into existence.

Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad!

- What is that thing?
- An excremental.

- The Golgothan.
- A what?

A shit demon!

No man of woman born!

- Oof, friend of yours?
- Is this smelly fuck with us?

It came for Bethany!

Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thing!

Damn! I knew I was gonna whack somebody today!

Yo, get your fucking hand back.

Represent!

- Go! Go!
- Go!

Looks like we're in charge of the gang now.

Over the bar! Come on!

- Where did fuck that thing come from?
- Ever heard of Golgotha?

The sacred place, the hill where
Christ was crucified?

Well, it wasn't just Christ himself. The
Romans crucified everyone there.

When Christ excluded, they were criminals.
Killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.

Whenever the crucified expired, their bodies
would naturally lost its muscle control...

spilling bowel and bladder in the process...

the result of which is that
walking pile of crap there.

The Golgothan shit demon, hell's chief assassin.

And it's here for you, girlie.

- Bob, get down!
- Matches! Matches!

- You the man.
- How?

"Knocks strong odors out".

- Way to go, biggie.
- Why would you ever carry this?

What?

Whoever sent this might send more.

I suggest you take the princess
and get as far away as possible.

What I do can, to get something
out of poopy boy here.

If he tells me something, I'll let you know.

Hello. We'd like two tickets
to New Jersey, please.

- Jersey's sold out, sir.
- What?

There's one same time tomorrow.

I suggest do not underestimate the staggering
drawing power of the Garden State...

and show up two hours in advance.

Nice.

Your hard-on for smiting has prevented
us from negotiating...

what ought to be the relatively simple
matter of catching or staying on a bus.

Oh, bus, schmus. Anyway...

why... why... why should we fall victim to gravity
when we can just as easily rise above?

- You mean fly?
- We got wings, right?

Fuck, let's use them!

I wouldn't suggest that.

You see, kids...

you wouldn't want to look like a couple
of fairies, now, would you?

Look at this pimp. How'd you get out of hell?

I told them I was coming up on a
routine possession, look...

I don't have much time. They figure out
my ruse, they'll come looking for me.

Hey, what's with bringing us in here?

You two fucks, you're inches
away from getting caught.

Going around killing people,
about to uncase your wings.

- Don't you have any idea what's going on, hun?
- Well, we're going home.

Oh, really. Are you so clueless as to think
you can just waltz back into heaven?

- Why not?
- Everybody is looking for you.

Both sides. Above and below.

Orders are to terminate you on sight.

- Really?
- Why?

Because you're pissing people off, that's why.

Word of great devine is that God's pissed
off at your presumption...

and I know Lucifer's pissed because you
assholes might make him look bad...

by succeeding where he's
failed so many times.

- So they're just gonna kill us?
- They're gonna try.

That's why you have to travel incognito.

Tone down your behavior. Stay
off their respective radars.

Quit killing people. That's high-profile.

- Oh, lighten up.
- I still can't believe they wanna kill us.

Oh, believe it, boys.

They've even got the last scion looking for you.

- Really?
- You're kidding me.

This is huge, man. Your reentry
is a thorn in a lot of sides.

They'll stop at nothing... I mean
nothing to prevent it.

Meanwhile, I may suggest you find an
alternate mode of transportation.

If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.

Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.

I have to get back to the pit
before they get suspicious.

And remember, incognito.

How you coping, kid?

It's weird.

Just when I think I have a handle on things...

something wholly unbelievable
presents itself.

- Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed home.
- You sound like the man.

- What's he like?
- He likes to listen to people talk.

Christ loved to sit around the fire,
listen to me and the other guys.

You know, henever we were going
on about unimportant shit...

he always had a smile on his face.

His oly real beef with mankind is the shit
that gets carried out in his name.

Wars, bigotry, televangelism.

The big one, though, is the factioning of all the
religions. He said mankind got it all wrong...

by taking a good idea and building
a belief structure on it.

- You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing?
- I just think it's better to have ideas.

Something mean, you can change an
idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

People die for it. People kill for it.

The whole of existence is
in jeopardy right now...

because of the Catholic beliefs structure
regarding this plenary-indulgence bullshit.

Bartleby and Loki, whether they know
it or not are exploiting that belief...

and if they're successful, you, me,
all of this, ends in a heartbeat.

All over a belief.

You know, I haven't seen the moron
twins in a while. How about you?

One time we were at the mall, right?
We tied Tubby to the ceiling...

and he went flying through the air,
fucking crashed through the wall.

It was fucked up.

You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?

Hell no, we're just about to smoke a fatty
with these two suave motherfuckers...

who just got on at the last stop.
This is Larry and Barry.

- Hi.
- Hey.

So Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him.

Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff.

Oh, fuck.

That's some bad shit, dude.

You hit that?

Yeah, you're bad, dude.

Bad shit.

- So why are you heading, uh... to New Jersey?
- It's just this thing I have to do.

- We're going home.
- Oh. Do you two live together?

Unfortunately, yes.

- So how long have you two been together?
- Uh... a while.

He can be pretty flaky sometimes,
but we have a lot in common.

- How'd you meet?
- We were stationed together.

See, that's beautiful.

You know, everybody's always up in arms
about this "out in the military" issue.

Pardon?

Well, you know, there's all that macho bullshit
about it being "this man's army".

And you two meet there, hook up...

You think we're lovers? No,
no. We're... we're not gay.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

- I just assumed.
- Well, do I come off as gay?

- No.
- All right.

My ex-husband sort of screwed up my
relationship awareness barometer.

- You're divorced.
- That's a nice way of putting it.

- I call it being dumped.
- I was... uh...

- dumped once.
- Don't you just constantly question your value?

Like, why was I so easy to cast aside?

And you wonder if the other party is gonna
come to their senses and call you back.

And they always tell you
it'll hurt less with time.

When actually...

...it hurts more.

You know what we need?

- What do we need?
- We need drinks.

We need a lot of drinks.

Garçon.

- You're saying you still go to church?
- Every Sunday.

Does it...? I mean, does it
do anything for you, or?

It gives me time to balance
my checkbook every week.

You see, what's what I'm saying. I mean, people
don't go to church to... to feel spiritual anymore.

They go to church and feel bored...

but they keep going every
week just out of habit.

I am so buzzed.

When. uh... when do you think
you lost your faith?

I remember the exact moment.

I was on the phone with my mother...

and, uh... she was trying to
counsel me through this...

This thing.

And when nothing she was saying
was making me feel any better...

she said: "Bethany... God has a plan".

I was... I was so angry with her.

I was like:

- "What about my plans?" You know?
- Uh-hum.

I had planned to have a family with my husband.

Wasn't that plan good enough for God?

Apparently not.

- How about you? When did you lose your faith?
- Uhm... a long time ago.

One day God just, uh... stopped listening.

I kept talking but...

I got the distinct impression he
wasn't listening anymore.

How did you know she was
listening in the first place?

- Uhm... well, I guess I don't.
- I hate thoughts like that.

But, you know, they come to you with age.

Because when you're a kid you never
question the whole faith thing.

God's in heaven, and he's...

She's always got her eye on you.

I'd give anything to feel that way again.

Guess that's why I got talked
into this pilgrimage.

What you do...?

Where is this pilgrimage to?

- You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
- Try me.

- All right, but I warned you.
- Okay.

- I'm going to this church in New Jersey.
- Really?

Kerwood Mandel to car three.
Kerwood Mandel to car three.

See, I'm supposed to stop a couple of
angels from going into the church.

They're trying...

Shit.

They're trying to get back into heaven.

See, they got tossed out of
heaven years ago, right?

And if they get back in, it proves God wrong...

and since God is infallible to prove her wrong...

would, you know, unmake existence.

May I have your attention, please.

The dining car will be closing
in five minutes. Thank you.

I feel so stupid... just saying it.

The thing I don't get is, I mean... how
am I supposed to stop an angel?

Two, even!

I guess I'm supposed to talk
them out of it or something.

- Maybe you're supposed to kill them.
- Oh, yeah, right. Kill them.

I mean, even if that were
the case, which it's not...

how do you kill an angel, Barry?

I don't suppose it's much different
from killing a human.

Where the hell is everybody? I wake up and...

- The apostle.
- Holy shit!

Rufus, I want you to meet my new friend Barry.

Don't be such a show-off, Barry.

Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go.

- We can talk about this.
- Bartleby?

After all this time, it comes down
to slaughter by a meat puppet?

Get your fucking hands off me,
you dickless son of a bitch!

Save it, lady. Five minutes ago
you were aching to top me off.

Loki!

Holy shit. The apostle.

I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.

What are you doing here?

This woman has to stop two angels
from entering a church.

- Did she talk about us?
- No, two other fucking angels.

Yeah, I'd say there's a pretty good chance.
What you say Rufus, we're to be liquidated?

You haven't thought about the
consequences of your reentry.

- Consequences, schmonsequences.
- It's what, we're going home, okay?

No matter whose pride it may hurt.

- It's not a matter of pride, stupid!
- Loki, kill the girl.

Are you high? I can't kill her if she hasn't
done anything, you know that.

- Fine. I'll kill her myself.
- What the fuck is this shit?

I fall asleep and everyone takes off?

- These guys are fucking flat-leavers.
- Shut his mouth.

Oh, shit!

Jay!

Biggie!

The door! The door!

Can't we talk about this?

Why don't I just get off at the next stop!

No ticket.

- The apostle is here.
- I noticed.

- Then you know who the chick was, don't you?
- The scion, I imagine!

Shit man, oh, look, maybe we should
rethink this whole thing.

I mean... I mean you heard the guy.
He said there are consequences.

And Azrael tells us we're marked?

Look man, there's more to this
than we thought about.

I was close.

You know? I was so close to
slitting that bitch's throat.

You know how I felt? Righteous.
Justified. Eager, even.

- You all right? Your eyes are kind of...
- My eyes are open.

For the first time I get it.

When that little innocent girl let her
mission slip, I had an epiphany.

See, in the beginning it was just
us and him, angels and God.

Then he created humans.

Ours was designed to be a life
of servitude and worship...

and bowing and scraping and adoration.

He gave them more than he ever
gave us. He gave them a choice.

They choose to acknowledge
God or choose to ignore him.

All this time we've been down here I've felt
the absence of the divine presence...

and it's pained me, as I'm sure
it must have pained you.

And why? Because of the way he made us.

Had we been given free will, we could
choose to ignore the pain like they do.

- But no, we're servants.
- Okay.

You know, all I'm saying here is that
one of us might need a little nap.

Wake up!

These humans have besmirched everything
he's bestowed on them.

They were given paradise, they threw it away.
They were given this planet, they destroyed it.

They were favored best among
all his endeavors...

and some of them don't
even believe he exists!

And in spite of it all...

he has shown them infinite fucking
patience at every turn.

What about us?

I asked you once to lay down the sword
because I felt sorry for them.

What was the result?

Our expulsion from paradise.

Where was his infinite fucking patience
then? It's not right! It's not fair!

We've paid our debt! Don't you think it's time?

Don't you think it's time we went home?

And to do that, I... I think we may have
to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.

Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?

You're talking about the
last scion, for chrissake.

And what about Jay and Bob? I mean
those guys were all right.

Don't. Don't, my friend.

See, don't let your sympathies
get the best of you.

They did me once. Scion or not...

she's just a human and by passing through
that arch, our sins are forgiven.

No harm, no foul.

My God. I've heard a rant like this before.

What did you say?

- I've heard a rant like this before.
- Don't you fuck do that to me.

You sound like the morning star.

- You shut your fucking mouth!
- You sound like Lucifer, man!

You've fucking lost it!

You're not talking about going home, Bartleby.

You're talking about fucking war on God.

Well, fuck that.

I have seen what happens to the proud
when they take on the throne.

I'm going back to Wisconsin.

We're going home, Loki...

and no one, not you, not even the Almighty
himself... is gonna make that otherwise.

Shit.

I don't understand, why couldn't we stay
on the train? You threw those guys off.

Very basic strategy.

If your enemies know where
you are, then don't be there.

Why are we enemies?

Well, I know I'd perceive the person
sent to kill me as an enemy.

What does that mean? Since when
am I supposed to kill anybody?

I'm tired of all this cryptic bullshit.

I'm physically and psychologically
exhausted, Rufus...

and I'm ready to kick back and
welcome the end of existence...

unless you come clean right now.

Why me?

Out of all the people on the goddamn
planet, why was I tapped?

Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy.

On one day, you're told you're God's only
son, but more than that, you're God.

How long would it take to come to
grips with something that huge?

Maybe, say, 18 years?

In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes
from age 12 to 30. Twelve to 30.

Now, that's some pretty bad storytelling.

Where are the volumes of text dealing
with the missing 18 years?

I'll tell you where.

They were offered up as a sacrifice
to the god of ecumenical politics.

You make it sound like there's some church
conspiracy to cover up "the truth about Christ".

Oh, bullshit.

Any important material about Christ...

would give people a better understanding
of nature of God.

- Why would they leave any of it out?
- Because it's all closely tied in with his family.

- His mother and father.
- His brothers and sisters.

Jesus didn't have brothers and
sisters. Mary was a virgin.

Mary gave birth to Christ without having
know a man's touch. This is true.

But she did have a husband.

Do you really think he would've stayed
married to her for all those years...

...if he wasn't getting laid?

The nature of God and the virgin
birth, those are leaps of faith.

But to believe a married couple never
got down, that's just plain gullibility.

Meaning?

The blood that flows through your veins...

shares a chromosome or two at the genetic
level with the one you call Jesus.

Bethany, you are the great-great-great
great-great-great-great-great...

great-great-grandniece of Jesus Christ.

So that would make Bethany part black?

I can't do this anymore.

Bethany, where you gonna go? You
know what I'm saying is right.

- It's bullshit.
- Bethany.

It's bullshit!

Let her go, man.

Give her time.

Why?!

What the fuck do you want from me?

I fucking hate you!

I hate you.

He can't hear you, you know.

- That's why we needed you.
- Why didn't you tell me?

Would you...?

Could you have believed me?

It was something you had to come to gradually.

Only after everything you've seen...

everything you've heard, could you possibly
be able to accept the truth.

I don't want this.

It's too big.

That's what Jesus said.

I had to tell him.

You can imagine how that hurt the Father
not to be able to tell the son himself...

because one word from his lips would
destroy the boy's frail human form.

So I had to deliver the news to a scared child...

who wanted nothing more than
to play with other children.

I had to tell this little boy that
he was God's only son...

and it meant a life of persecution
and eventual crucifixion...

at the hands of the very people he'd
come to enlighten and redeem.

He begged me to take it all back.

As if I could.

He begged me to "make it all not true".

I'll let you in on something, Bethany, it's
something I've never told anyone before.

If I had the power...

I would have.

It's unfair.

It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder
that responsibility...

and it's unfair to ask you to do the same now.

I sympathize. I do. I wish
I could take it all back.

But I can't.

This...

...is who you are.

- Everything I am has been a lie?
- No, no, no, no.

Knowing what you now know doesn't
mean you're not who you were.

You are Bethany Sloane.

No one can take that away
from you, not even God.

All this means is a redefinition of that identity.

The incorporation of this new data into who
you are. Be who you've always been.

Just...

be this as well...

from time to time.

Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes.

To say the least.

Look...

do you mind if we adjourn to somewhere
a tad more habitable, and a bit warmer?

Fuck, man, I think this shit Just kicked in.

Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods?
What are we doing here now?

Going out in style.

- The voice.
- The apostle.

Now, who's this motherfucker?

It's the voice of God. Show some respect.

Oh, the voice of God. Where's the rest of him?

It's funny you should mention
that. We're not sure.

- What?
- Come on, apostle, didn't it ever occur to you...

that this Bartleby-Loki situation was
well within the sphere of his control?

Yes, but then why was she tapped?

You know those constitutionals
that he likes to take?

"Constitutionals"?

I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.

God's a skeeball fanatic.

The Lord has a quiet fancy for the game.
He's been playing it for years.

He assumes a human form once
a month and indulges.

Didn't tell anyone where he's playing,
just goes away for a couple hours.

And for what I understand he always gives his
free points away to neighborhood children.

Isn't that sweet?

But she hasn't come back from one of
these day trips, is that you saying?

No, she hasn't...

and we've been unable to locate her.

He could've been killed. I mean, human
form does have that drawback.

No, there's a different sort
of foul play afoot, children.

Whomever has set the renegade
angels on their path...

and is keeping them quite well hidden is also
responsible for the Lord's whereabouts.

Were he to be killed in human form he'd
have returned immediately to heaven.

Someone knew enough...

to keep him biologically alive but incapacitate
him in another fashion.

And as omnipotent as we are above...

I have to admit that we're more or
less lost without his presence.

We've looked everywhere for him.

And I tapped her because I thought we'd be
able to smoke out whoever's behind it.

But whoever he is was clever enough
to send some lackeys after you...

as opposed to showing up themselves.

- Could it be Lucifer?
- Not Lucifer.

If he was, he'd have made his move
by now to conquer Heaven.

And I know he's not responsible
for Bartleby and Loki...

because he has just as much to lose
by their return as anybody else.

So, what do we gonna do now?

Well, I say we get drunk, because
I'm all out of ideas.

Why... why... why don't we just ask
this guy to close the church?

I beg your pardon?

It's the guy in charge of the church thing.

Cardinal Glick?

Maybe we can ask him to shut down the church.

If it's closed that day, uh... those guys
can't get blessed or whatever, right?

- Good Lord. The little stoner's got a point.
- Maybe we could talk this guy Glick.

Maybe we could talk to him to canceling
the rededication ceremony.

"We"? Are you saying you're back in, Ms.
"I don't think, I can't do this anymore?"

I wouldn't want to let the family
down, now, would I?

Well...

the prophets finally live up to their titles.

Mass attendance is at an all-time
low in this country...

but if we can let them know the Catholic
Church has a little panache...

we can win them back, even get
some new ones. Excuse me.

Fill them pews, people.

That's the key. Grab the little ones as
well. Hook them while they're young.

- Kind of like the tobacco industry.
- Christ, if only we had their numbers.

We really appreciate you seeing us
so late in the day, Your Eminence.

My friends and I have been traveling all night
in hope getting a chance to talk to you...

about the St. Michael's rededication ceremony.

So you looking to help out
in some way, I take it?

We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.

I beg your pardon.

There's gonna be a world of trouble if
tomorrow's ceremony goes forward as planed.

- Are you pro-choice?
- No, no. The trouble's not from us.

It's from these renegade angels that have
been stuck on Earth since the plagues.

Uhm... these guys, they think
they're renegade angels.

See, padre, it goes down like this.

These guys think that by passing through that
archway they can go straight to heaven.

You want me to call off the ceremony for that.

Who sent you?

We were sent by him who is called I Am!

Cute. Really cute.

Well, come on, kids, playtime
with the cardinal is over.

- Worked for Moses.
- Stay out of this.

- Lets go.
- Your Eminence, it's not a joke.

I'm telling you, man, this
ceremony's a big mistake.

The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.

Please! What about the Church's
silent consent of the slave trade?

And its platform of noninvolvement
during the Holocaust?

All right, mistakes were made.

But one can hardly hold the current
incarnation of Holy Mother Church...

responsible for the oversights of old.

I'm an important man with important
matters that demand my attention...

so if you please...

- But tomorrow...
- Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.

Do I make myself clear?

Neither you nor any other influence
short of the hand of God himself...

...is gonna keep this thing from
going off without a hitch.

I can see the headlines now...

...if there were gonna be any.

- "Existence Erased".
- Don't worry about it. We evened the score.

Hand it over, Silent Bob.

What up?

You stole the cardinal's driver?

That's what he gets for messing with
our girlfriend. Cross-dressing fuck.

That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.

So, what do we do now about Bartleby and Loki?

I guess we're gonna have to try and kill them.

- You said they couldn't be killed.
- Correction.

They won't be killed.

And just to ensure that, we're
all gonna sit tight...

right here, until those two idiots
pass through that arch.

Hey. There's only one idiot here, Azrael...

- and I'm looking right at him.
- Muse!

- Just in time to join us for a drink.
- Hey. Where'd you come from?

- Where'd you come from?
- Me? Nothingness.

And that's where I'm returning to
in approximately, oh, one hour.

All right, Plato, sounds like you've
had enough already.

- Let's go.
- Oh, darn it!

Come on, barkeep, just one drink.
One for the road, then I'm gone?

I was trying to find you to tell you I figured
out who was behind all this.

Is that who I think it is?

- None other than.
- Who is he?

- All right, one drink. Then you're gone.
- Give me a...

- ...Holy Bartender.
- Never heard of it.

He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender.

- You do, don't you, Muse?
- Don't.

Anybody? No?

Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender.

- Get it?
- Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why?

Come on, demon! Try that shit on
somebody who's already dead!

Oh, apostle, you maintain
that kind of an attitude...

and you and the barkeep won't be
the only corpses in the room.

The Christ bitch will join you.

Are you really that stupid?

You do know what's gonna happen if
those two jerks enter that church.

I'm actually counting on it.

And if my calculations are correct...

the pawns are moving into
checkmate as we speak.

"Holy Bartender". I get it. That's a great one!

Now I'd also like to acknowledge this great
state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton...

for coming here this morning.

True, she's a Protestant, but we're
not gonna hold that against her.

Now, let me just tell you a little bit
of history about this particular...

hundred-years-young house of God.

God's house?

God doesn't live here anymore.

He's grown weary of your superficial faith.

He's turned a deaf ear to
your lip-service prayers.

- He has abandoned you...
- Sorry.

his favorites, to the whim of judgment.

Hypocrites, charlatans...

prepare to taste God's wrath.

- Maybe we should just leave.
- You wanted your body count. You got it.

- This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.
- Officer McGhee.

All right, mouthpiece let's leave the nice
cardinal alone and go for a ride.

Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry. You
wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Is that so?

Ladies and gentlemen...

you have been judged as guilty of violations
against our Almighty God...

and this very day...

I assure you, you will all
pay for your trespasses...

...in blood.

- Wings. Now.
- I'm feeling a little exposed here.

Do it!

- So he's a muse too?
- Former muse.

- He was kicked out.
- Ever the fucking apple polisher.

- So, then what happened?
- Yes, what?

Well, Lucifer just had to start
his little war for the throne.

Heaven became divided into two factions...

the faithful and the renegades.

Oh, the ethereal plains were chaotic
with battle. Angel against angel.

And when it was all over, God
cast the rebels into perdition.

But Azrael refused to fight.

He remained in the middle, waiting
to see who came out victorious.

- What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
- No. I was an artist, stupid!

I was inspiration!

- A muse has no place in battle.
- So after the fallen were banished to hell...

God turned on those that wouldn't fight...

and Azrael was sent down with the demons...

- something he considers a great injustice.
- Oh, come on.

Don't tell me you never questioned
the judgment, Serendipity.

No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist.

Big deal!

Elvis was an artist...

but that didn't stop him from joining
the service in time of war.

That's why he is the king and you're a schmuck.

Nice.

So all this is about revenge.

You're gonna unmake existence because
of a grudge against God?

After the first million years? No.

Escape from hell became my
all-consuming reason.

So I studied the religions and waited for
my opportunity to present itself...

which it finally did... in Catholicism.

Plenary indulgence.

But I couldn't exercise it.

Demons can't become human.
No, we can't transubstantiate.

- But angels can.
- Bartleby and Loki.

After that it was a simple matter of waiting for
a church to celebrate their centennial...

and when it finally happened I sent the
pair an article laced with ideas.

An incantation I picked up in the pit kept
them cloaked and off heaven's radars.

And aside from the triplets
here and the Golgothan...

no soul in hell had a clue as
to what was going on.

But the Almighty could still
putsch the whole deal...

so I dispatched him in a fairly ingenious fashion.

Her. And how? That's the only
thing I couldn't figure out.

Oh, no, I've seen way too many
Bond movies to know...

that you never reveal all the
details of your plan...

no matter how close you may
think you are to winning.

The only X factor was the involvement
of the last scion here.

But fat lot of good that did, right?
I mean, here you all are.

Powerless to stop the inevitable.

Look, asshole, I don't know if anyone
explained the rules to you...

but if you succeed everything gets
blinked out of existence, even you.

Human, have you ever been
to hell? I think not.

I'd rather not exist than go back to that.

And if everyone has to go
down with me, so be it.

Still thinking only about yourself
you fucking child!

Now, now, now.

Things are getting too intense in here.

- Hey! What say we watch a little TV?
- Yo, put on Channel 9. Davey and Goliath.

Uh... actually, I was thinking more
along the lines of current events.

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

I repeat, men with huge fucking wings
have laid waste to St. Michael's!

Bullets don't seem to affect them!

The remainder of the crowd have
dropped to their knees...

identifying this as the fabled apocalypse.

And now, I'm not a man of faith, but
I'm inclined to agree with them.

Oh, God, please, don't come any closer!
Don't come any closer! God, no!

No!

You see that? And I told them
to keep a low profile.

Oh, I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes
it's not gonna really matter anyway.

Oh.

- Oh, now what was that all about?
- What?

Oh, nothing.

- I had something in my eye.
- Now who's the fucking child?

What did you tell him, Serendipity
to hit me with the golf club?

Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon. You'd
have him assault me with a putter?

You want to play? Then we'll play. One side, Red.

Go ahead, then. Pick it up. Call it a gift.

Come on.

That's it.

Take a shot.

Take your best fucking shot.

No, I'm seriously. I'm not kidding.
Take it. Come on.

Come on, bright boy.

Don't you know anything?

Bethany, bless the sink!

- What?
- Just do it!

Bless the sink, damn it!

That's what you get, motherfucker.

But I'm a fucking demon.

- What just happened?
- He said it himself: "I'm a fucking demon".

Hit a demon with an instrument
of God, the pure side...

- will do the most damage.
- Holy shit! Silent Bob's an instrument of God?

No, but driver is.

Because Glick's the kind of asshole who'd
bless his clubs for a better golf game.

- But the sink?
- You've got the divine heritage going for you.

Sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits.

Remind me to try the water-to-wine
thing at my next party.

- How far away is this church?
- Three towns over, about 10 miles.

- Rufus, grab the gun.
- Ten steps ahead of you.

Hey, take the bartender's car.
He not gonna need it.

The whole fucking world's against
us, dude, I swear to God.

Oh, my God.

And people wonder why I don't
go to church anymore.

Are we too late?

To save these poor schmucks?

Yeah.

But we still exist.

Where are they?

They could already be in the church.

Which means, if they come
out, nobody touches them.

Are you fucking shitting me?

The brother is gonna shred them with his
angel-be-good special ain't you, homey?

If they pass through that arch,
they'll come out clean.

And if they die, they go straight up. And, hello!
We know what happens then, right?

- Why don't they kill themselves?
- It's a mortal sin.

You die with a mortal sin on your soul,
you burn. They don't try to go to hell.

Then what are we supposed to do, just
wait for a solution to fall from the sky?

- Friend of yours?
- No, that was a cardinal.

You can't tell from his face, but the
rosaries are a dead give away.

- It's one of them! Kill that motherfucker!
- No!

Don't you listen?

- We can't touch him!
- I wasn't gonna touch him.

- I was gonna shoot his ass.
- Hey, he's been at it for a while now.

Please! Please!

We... we ran out of parishioners...

so he just started picking up folk off
the road and just dropping them.

This is just eons of repression getting purged.

If only they'd let us jerk off, you know?

Oops, take a s... take a step back.

Let me go!

Why? What are you trying to prove?

- All these people!
- Hey, this wasn't my idea! All right?

Jesus Christ!

I just wanted to go home.

But him, you know...

he just lost it.

He realized who you were and what
you were gonna have to do.

He jus... he just snapped.

And the funny thing is, this guy could
never even stand to see me work.

He just... he said he felt sorry for you people.

Now look at him.

This guy's fucking drunker than hell.

Which means he's human now.

His wings have been cut off.

Loki...

Loki.

The muse?

Oh, no way!

I haven't seen you... you look terrific.
Wow, what's with the tits? Can I...

Have you walked through the arch yet?

Come on, tell me. Have you gone in and
come out through the archway yet?

No!

Look, he's back.

- We were awaiting your arrival.
- Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me.

You can't go through with this.
Azrael was just using you.

If you go back...

I've become aware of the repercussions
muse, I know what I'm doing.

You sick, twisted fuck!

Bethany.

You, of all people, should understand
what I'm trying to accomplish here.

You too know what it feels
like to be cast aside.

But you've only dealt with the pain a few years.

I've dealt with it for a millennia.

And while you never see your ex-husband
or how blissful he is with his new wife...

And he is.

Seeing you people every day on this perfect
little world he created for you...

is a constant reminder that though
my kind came first...

your kind was most revered.

And while you know forgiveness...

we know only regret.

The lesson must be taught.
All are accountable...

even God.

Soon a cadre of police will arrive just in
time to kill us as we exit the church.

Then this failed experiment called existence...

will cease to be.

No. Hey. Hey!

No. No.

I can't let you do that, Bartleby.

This has gone too far.

I might have to take you down.

It's okay.

I'll do it.

My compatriot.

Genocide takes a lot out
of him. He's weakened.

- You're weak.
- More importantly, he's also a human being...

a condition which carries two liabilities.

A conscience...

and...

a short life span. I'm sorry, old
friend, but you lost the faith.

Oh, my God. He's lost it. We're fucked.

- We're absolutely fucked!
- I hear that shit.

I can't believe this shit.

We're on the brink of nonexistence and
God's still no where to be found.

- What fuck kind of deity gets kidnapped?
- Amen to that.

What the hell are you doing?

It's about five minutes to live, if the whole
world's gonna end, you said you'd fuck me.

- You're a pig.
- Oh, what? Nobody's gonna beat that thing.

We can lay here all comatose like that
John Doe Jersey bastard over there...

- or we can get making with the love.
- What did you say?

Make with the love. It's a nice
way of saying boning.

No, about John Doe Jersey.

That guy they won't take off life
support, John Doe Jersey.

This is where he's at, St. Michael's
Hospital over there.

Where's the nearest boardwalk?

Look, I ain't got time to win you a prize.
We gotta get to the fucking.

- Where is it?
- Asbury Park, about five miles away.

- Have you been there?
- Once, with a chick.

We were about to fuck on the carousel
and I got sick, started puking son of...

- Do they have skeeball there?
- Yeah.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Oh, no.

Whatever you do, stall Bartleby
from going into that church.

Bob, come with me. Come on!

- How am I supposed to do that?
- Think of something!

- I already did, but it takes two of us!
- I repeat, this is not a drill.

This is the apocalypse.

Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.

Thank you. I repeat...

Hey, Big Bird!

Ready for the counting game?

No!

Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck.

No more bullets.

Now, what the fuck would you do that for?

Angels have to cut their wings
off to become human.

You just did him a favor, stupid!

I hope you're the skeeball type.

Oh, Bartleby.

Was Wisconsin really that bad?

Bow down, stupid!

I'm sorry.

Anyone who isn't dead or from
another plane of existence...

would do well to cover their
ears right about now.

What the fuck?

Thank you.

It never ends!

Get off of me. I wanna see what's up.

What the fuck is this shit?

Who the fuck are you, Lady?

Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

What the fuck is this, The Piano?
Why ain't this broad talking?

I believe the answers that you seek
lie within my companion's eyes.

What the fuck does that mean? Has
everyone gone fucking nuts?

What the fuck happened to that
guy's head? I want some...

Where was she?

Imprisoned in a body.

Bethany figured it all out. She's
a clever girl, that one.

Hang on a minute.

You missed a bit.

Well, then, you ready to go back, apostle?

You ready to make those changes
I been talking about?

We'll see. Muse?

Seeing as how you just had to get involved
you're welcome to return with us as well.

First I gotta say goodbye to
Bethany. Where is she?

Oh, no.

Metatron, is she...?

Afraid so.

One of the drawbacks to being a
martyr is that you have to die.

But no matter.

All is being taken care of.

How so?

Wax on, wax off.

How did I...?

She can rebuild you.

She has the technology.

She can make you better, stronger, faster.

That's...

A very relieved deity.

You did well, little girl. I knew
you'd come around.

Your kind always does.

So you might wanna take good care of yourself.

We're gonna need you down the road.

I know. I'm the last scion.

Well, you're half right.

You were the last scion.

But now...

this...

is the last scion.

I'm pregnant?

Can't put anything past you.

Take care of that parcel for us.

She has a world of work ahead of her.

Oh.

Thank you for...

I don't know...

everything.

God, there's a million things
I wish I could ask you...

most of it questioning your great plan
and that'd be arrogant of me, I know.

But there is one I need to ask.

I'm sure you get it all the time, but how
many opportunity like this will I get?

Why are we here?

Didn't I tell you she was funny?

I really enjoyed meeting you.

It was an honor.

You did so well.

I told you she was a woman.

She's not really a woman.
She's not really anything.

She's something, all right.

Crisis of faith over?

I think I'm now burdened
with an overabundance.

When it rains, it pours.

- Are you saying you believe?
- No. But I have a good idea.

Yes.

The man was right about you.

Now I'm gonna go home and tell him so.

And if you clean up your language I just
might put in a good word for you too.

Thanks.

Why don't you name the kid after me?

Rufus.

Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.

You guys wanna hear something sick?

- I got half a stalk when she kissed me.
- Jay!

I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot.

You know, you can't talk to me that way
anymore. I'm gonna be somebody's mother.

You're pregnant?

Yo, I heard pregnant women can have
sex into their third trimester.

I'll keep that in mind.

# I am the harm that you inflict, I am
your brilliance and frustration #

# I'm the nuclear bombs if they're to hit, I am
your immaturity and your indignance #

# I am your misfits and your praised, I am
your doubt and your conviction #

# I am your charity and your rape, I am
your grasping and expectation #

# I see you averting your glances
I see you cheering on the war #

# I see you ignoring your children #

# And I love you still, and I love you still #

# I am your joy and your regret, I am
your fury and your elation #

# I am your yearning and your sweat, I am
your faithless and your religion #

# I see you altering history, I see
you abusing the land #

# I see you and your selective amnesia #

# And I love you still, and I love you still #

# Haah... Haah... Haah... Haah... #

# I am your tragedy and your fortune
I am your crisis and delight #

# I am your profits and your prophets
I am your art, I am your bytes #

# I am your death and your decisions
I am your passion and your plights #

# I am your sickness and convalescence
I am your weapons and your light #

# I see you altering history, I see
you abusing the land #

# I see you and your selective amnesia #

- # And I love you still, and I love you still #
- # I see you holding your grudges #

# I see you gunning them down, I see
you silencing your sisters #

- # And I love you still, and I love you still #
- # I see you lie to your country #

# I see you forcing them out, I see
you blaming each other #

# And I love you still, and I love you still #

# Haah... Haah... Haah... Haah.. #

So that would make Bethany part black?