Original subtitles

♪ Oriental boy all alone

♪ Runnin' all the way to your home

♪ Breathing very hard like a kung fu dragon

♪ Listen to your heart as you run

♪ Go, go, go, go, go

♪ Oriental boy

♪ Watch out, go, go, go

♪ Oriental boy, do you dream

♪ Dream what you can do as a man

♪ Flying far away, all across the ocean

♪ Do what you imagine you can

♪ Go, go, go, go, go

♪ Oriental boy, hang on, go go go

♪ What if there are dangerous men

♪ Oh no

♪ Maybe there's a beautiful jewel

♪ Uh huh

♪ You can go and saver her and be a hero

♪ Look out Western world, comin' through

♪ Go, go, go, go, go

♪ Oriental boy, look out, go go go

♪ Oriental boy, you can see

♪ Anywhere you are you know

♪ Sing about the heart of a kung fu dragon

♪ Let the people into your soul

♪ Go, go, go, go, go

♪ Oriental boy, so so, go go go

♪ He's gonna make it, you know he will

♪ He's gonna make it on his own

♪ He's gonna make it, you know he will

♪ He's gonna make it on his own

Grandfather, Grandfather.

I couldn't get a doctor.

- Son.

- Grandfather, please don't die.

- I must go a way for a while.

- I'll make you proud of me.

When I grow up, I'll make lots of money.

- Let me tell you, Grandson,

money is not the most important thing in life.

The most important thing is

broads. Broads!

Don't you ever forget it.

- If you die, Grandfather,

there will be nobody to take care of me.

- Go America.

- America?

- Yes.

- Long time ago, when I was a merchant marine.

In New York, I met the most beautiful lady in the world.

I fell in love with her.

When you find her,

she'll take care of you.

- How can I find her?

- Here.

Take this.

It'll help you.

I don't know if she's still there.

If you find her,

tell her

I loved her.

Yes, I'll...

Grandfather?

Bruce, I like some more sauce, huh?

- Boss, why do you keep calling me Bruce?

I'm Joon.

Bruce was the champ.

- I don't care, champ or no champ,

I'm callin' you Bruce, and when I call you Bruce,

you are Bruce, you understand?

Besides, you all look alike anyway.

It's true!

- Can he really do that karate stuff real good?

- Bruce?

Nah, he can't even chop a liver.

Oh, God.

- Mm, hey Bruce, the sauce is wonderful.

What's your secret, huh?

- Dog meat.

It's a joke.

But seriously, folks,

I make the best spaghetti in the world,

with a special flour from mainland China.

You see, 5,000 years ago,

Chinese invented the noodle.

And Marco Polo came to China,

and took it back to Italy,

and it becomes spaghetti.

And I can even sing Italian song.

Oh yeah?

- Rico, how are you, my friend.

- Bon journo, Capo, you're looking well.

- I feel good.

- Come, join me in this feast.

- No, excuse me.

I promised the wife, Nicola, dinner at home tonight.

- Rico, you brought me somethin'?

- You're gonna like this.

It's pure.

- You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you

in a court of law.

Uh...

Dammit, what's the next line?

- And the right to seek council.

- Oh yeah, thanks.

You have the right to an attorney.

In the event you cannot afford one, uh,

I'm available.

Hare Krishna.

Hare Krishna.

Hare, hare.

- Many pardon.

But we are lost.

Where's Disney Land?

- Do we look like Mickey Mouse?

- Ah, so.

Ah, Mickey Mouse.

- Hey, get out of here.

Hare Krishna.

Hare, Hare.

Hare Krishna.

Hare, hare.

Hare Krishna.

Hare Krishna.

- Care for a flower, sir.

- Hey, we carry our own flower.

You just pray for us.

- I can't stand this anymore.

- I'm taking off this one too.

- Me too!

You're under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

- He's out cold.

You better give him mouth to mouth

and make this bust legal.

- Thanks, I needed that.

- We're losin' the men to these federal agent busts.

We need the solutions now.

- We can bribe the FBI.

- We'll give them our brand of cigars.

Dynamite.

Let's infest in bulletproof Gucci loafers.

- Hey, I got an original idea.

Let's just make them an offer that they can't refuse.

Offer our mother-in-laws, eh?

- Boss, enough.

What do you mean the boss to think that this is?

Monkey business?

- Maybe there's a leak in the system.

You can't trust anybody, can ya, Pete.

- You the one to know about the leaks.

You got a big mouth.

And don't forget, Big Al,

I'm the one in power here.

- Maybe that's our problem.

- You push too far.

That's a call from New York.

Hello.

- Ciao, Lil Pete.

Ciao, boss, it's nice of you to call.

- Do you have your men with ya?

- Oh, yes, boss, they're all here. Everybody's here.

Put me on conference.

- Si.

- You boys have embarrassed me.

Opportunities blown.

It's hard to believe.

You guys being defeated

by a bunch of kung fu clowns.

The next time you're on the job,

you think about your family.

One more mistake,

they'll be widows and orphans.

I'm going to make sashimi out of you.

This

is the last fish

that I'm going to eat.

The next meal

will be you.

Kapish?

- Yes, Boss, don't worry.

Grazie, ciao.

Ciao, Lil Pete. Goodbye, boys.

- We gotta do something.

Pretty soon, we're gonna have the feds

fightin' in our own back yard.

Oh my God, it's a raid!

- Don't shoot!

Hey, guys, it's me, Freddy!

- What the hell is he doin'?

- Makin' lunch.

- Hi, boss.

I'm makin' spaghetti for you.

You know the difference between

Italian food and Chinese food?

- No, what?

- $5 per person.

- Ah Fung?

I went school with him.

His brother name Ah Chu.

- Ah Maron?

I don't know him.

- Help. Help!

- Hey!

Break up.

Lady, give that man his purse back.

- It's my purse, he's the thief.

- What you doin' around here, man?

And where you from and what you want?

- With my right foot, I can knock out that knife.

With my left I can kick your nose.

With this hand, I can poke out your eyes.

With this, I can break your neck.

Take a good look at my face.

I'm an oriental.

- It's cool, bro.

I don't want to trouble this time, it's cool.

But next time, it's gon' be me

and you.

- I don't wanna see your face in this area again.

Arrivederci.

- How many time I got to tell you,

arrivederci, she means goodbye, huh?

- Sometimes

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

- What do you got in the box?

- Oh, some noodles for Genele.

Maria!

Maria.

For Genele, huh.

Say, you look a little pale, how 'bout a beer, huh?

- Hey, baby.

Hey, check it out. Woo.

- Hi.

- Hello.

Oh, you look so beautiful.

Are you from New York.

- No, but I am drinking a Manhattan.

Is that close enough to New York for ya?

- No, I gotta go there.

You see, my grandfather had a dying wish.

- And, what was that?

- To stay alive.

He said I must go to New York, find this woman.

My grandfather loved her.

She's gonna take care of me if she's still there.

- My name's Anita, what's yours?

- They call me Bruce.

- You mean, like Bruce Lee.

- Yeah, who else?

- Then you must know kung fu.

- Oh yeah, I once stepped in it.

- Hey.

If you're lookin' for Mister Right, I'm right here.

- How 'bout some Tequila, Sheila?

- To tell you the truth,

I'm glad that you're here to protect me.

Those guys scare me.

- I can take those guys out with one bare hand.

Stick with me, I’ll teach you self defense.

- Okay.

- Hey, egg roll.

We heard what you said.

- With my right foot, I can knock out your face.

With my left, I can kick your nose.

With this, I can poke your eyes out.

With this I can break your neck.

Take a good look at my face.

I'm an oriental.

- I challenge you, sucker.

- I gotta go to john.

Mexican beer.

I'll be back.

I'll be back, you guys.

Be prepared, you guys.

- Open the door, you creep.

- Rape, rape!

Leave me alone!

- Come on, buddy, let's go!

- I'm coming right out, you guys!

Be prepared, you guys.

Bruce.

If I was half as good as you,

I could've fought those guys in the bar.

And I would be with that girl.

Bruce, you are the best.

I gotta eat more Mongolian beef.

I'm gonna be just like you.

With hard training and proper diet,

I'm gonna be as fast as you are.

And strong as Rocky.

Rocky?

Yes.

Diet.

Egg foo Yung would be better.

- May I help you?

- Yes, I wanna be like Bruce Lee.

- We will start you with a white belt.

- Oh, that's good.

- Mikey?

Give him a gi and a white belt.

Alright, everybody stretch.

Stretch.

Stretch to your right.

Stretch to your left.

Twist.

Stretch.

Come in.

You must have the right spirit to guide you.

Inner peace.

Control.

Patience.

It's all mental.

- My grandfather was a mental patient.

My father was a mental patient.

And now it's my turn.

- Let me stress

inner peace.

Control.

And tranquility.

Excuse me.

Hello, Dojo Studio.

What the hell you talking about you son of a bitch?

I'll sue you for every yen you have,

you stupid damn!

As I was saying.

You have to have control.

With control comes concentration.

You see the wall?

You can make a hole through the wall if

you have concentration.

Try it, you can do it.

- I'm not gonna try it.

You try it.

- I'm not gonna try it, I'm the master.

- Let's get Mikey, he'll try anything.

Class, do you think he can do it?

You see?

They don't think you can do it.

And I don't think you can do it, either.

You asked for it.

What's going on?

What is this?

- Well, hi Master, you're a little early today.

Oh God, come on, what is it?

- Mikey, Mikey, come here for a second.

Hey, what's going on in here?

What is this, get out of here, I'm gonna call the cops.

- It's all in the kya.

When you kya, you must bring all energy from your body

into one focused point.

Kya!

Now, you try it.

Hmm.

- Kya!

- You?

- No, Memorex.

- Get out of my place.

You are hopeless.

- I must learn to be mental.

- You are mental.

- But I'm paying you to teach me.

- I'll refund your money.

Change your clothes and get out!

- Whoa, you're very good.

Let me see.

It's natural for me.

I do that all the time when I make a noodle.

See, oh, look at this.

Oh, Master.

Oh, I know how to do this. - No, no!

- My vase, you broke it!

I will kill you.

- Master, you're out of control.

You sucker mother!

Now what?

- I wanna return your sticks.

- Keep them.

Go home and practice in your closet.

- Are these eggs fresh?

- Hey, this is a stick up, man!

Hands up.

You, hurry up with the money. Come on.

And don't do nothin' stupid, huh.

- No, no, no, wait, wait.

It's not him.

He's not the robber. He's the robber!

You should've seen this guy's fantastic kung fu technique!

Unbelievable.

Like, he's so fast!

And powerful.

I'm tellin' ya, this guy is Bruce Lee reincarnated.

- You even look like Bruce Lee.

- Well, with the proper training and diet.

- Can you strike that karate pose for the cameras

with the sticks over your head, please.

Get that, Sherry.

- A Bruce Lee lookalike

put on a dazzling show of kung fu.

An eyewitness said that the gunman never had a chance

against the martial arts hero.

- Ciao boss.

I got the good news.

No, I got the great news.

You don't have to worry about any more trouble.

I got a guy who's gonna fix everything from now on.

I got a new delivery man.

They call him Bruce, master of kung fu.

- Here comes the guy in the paper.

This ain't like the real Bruce Lee.

- Hey, man, I don't care what the papers say.

You're still Brucey.

What are you lookin' at, Brucey.

You're nothin' but jive, man.

I can kick your ass any day of the week.

- Kick my ass any day.

Well, I'm busy all week.

- Yeah, you're a phony, man.

You don't even know kung fu.

Get back.

What do you say to this, fool?

- If you must fight, fight dirty.

Kick him in the groin.

Hit him with a rock.

Bite off his nose.

But, most of all, use your brain.

Not fists.

- Oh, you're fantastic.

Who taught you that?

- Master Cho.

- Oh, we're acquaintances.

I study under Master Cho too.

Do you know the martial art code?

It says pupil study under same master must never fight.

- Yeah?

For real, huh?

- Yeah.

And that's too bad, I can't beat you up.

What code?

- Well, maybe he's right.

Let's forget about it.

- Yeah, I don't study for Master Cho.

I study for Master Tung.

- Oh, that's great.

Then you two can fight.

And I personally think that Master Cho

is 10 times better than Master Tung.

- My master's better than Master Cho.

- Hey, wait a minute, my master's better then yours.

What are you talkin' about, Master Tung is a pussy.

- Yeah, yeah!

Hit him in the stomach.

Hit him in the balls.

Hit him in the nose.

- Hey, look.

He's got nun chucks in his pocket.

- Let's go check him out.

- Hey.

You got a permit to carry those nun chucks?

- This?

You don't need no permit for this.

- That's a lethal weapon, you're under arrest.

- Wait a minute, wait, wait a minute.

These are my chopsticks.

I'm just a big eater.

Chopstick lickin' good.

- I sure hope this is gonna work, boss.

You hope.

It better work of the Boss of Bosses

is gonna make sashimi out of us.

- Hey, you can count on me, boss.

I'm not gonna let ya down.

- Yeah, remember, Freddy.

You're the only one I can trust.

I cannot trust Big Al anymore.

Yeah, well, there have been rumors goin' around.

- What?

That Big Al thinks he's gonna be boss of the West Coast?

That sneaky bastard will never get my job. Never!

- Listen, boss, nobody can tear down

a reputation like yours.

You're a good boy, Freddy.

You've always been a loyal, trusted servant of la familia.

When you get back from this job, I'm gonna promote you.

You're gonna be my consigliere.

- Really?

Like Robert Duvall?

- You gonna sit in Big Al's seat

at the other end of the table.

- I hope I don't have to sit on his lap.

- Sit on his lap?

You make a joke?- Yeah.

People say I got no sense of humor.

Sit on his lap.

You make me laugh!

Hurry up, I don't wanna miss Hollywood Squares.

- Oh boy, Florence Henderson.

- Florence Henderson.

Remember, no tell Bruce about anything.

Alright?- Yeah.

Make sure this place is locked up,

because this stuff is worth millions of dollars now.

Yes, sir.

- That's it, huh?

- Put the barbells down, I gotta talk to you.

- Look at you.

You've been eating too much pasta.

Take that tie off and get down here and work out with me.

- Carmen, put those goddamn things down.

I got the plan set up.

- I hope this plan is better than the last one.

If you wanna be boss in the West Coast,

killing Pete's dog isn't gonna do it.

- You know that poison was meant for Little Pete.

How was I supposed to know the dog likes cigars.

- So, what's your plan this time, Rover.

- You know I love you just before you get slapped.

Had enough?

You really know how to hurt a guy.

Thanks, darling.

- Bad news from Africa.

Your brothers and sisters are being killed for their ivory.

- Shut up and listen to me.

If I'm boss on this coast,

you'll be right there alongside me.

You'd like that power, wouldn't you?

Why'd you have to kick me?

You didn't have to kick me.

- Oh, I'm sorry, poor baby.

- Look, the Boss of Bosses

is going to exterminate Little Pete

if one more job gets busted.

I know Little Pete's plan.

They're settin' up Bruce as a delivery stooge.

You follow Bruce,

switch the coke whenever you can

before they get to New York, okay?

Little Pete will be river moss,

and I'll be boss of the West Coast.

- You mean we will be boss on the West Coast.

- That's what I said.

- Bruce.

You're a hero, I saw you in the papers.

You're very brave.

Where'd you get your black belt.

- Oh, I got my black belt in the Orient.

It was easy. Only written test.

- Do you have a girlfriend?

- I'm a sex object.

Every time I ask girls sex, they object.

- Well, could I be your girlfriend?

Listen, I'll give you this necklace.

Here.

Let's go steady.

Okay?

Now, as long as you wear this,

I'm not gonna make love to another man.

- Me neither.

Bruce, I got a new job for you.

A new job?

- I'm givin' you a raise.

From now on, you get the minimum wage.

- What do I gotta do, boss.

- Listen and I tell you.

Your spaghetti recipe, it's famous.

I told all of my friends all around the country

about your Chinese noodles.

And they're very anxious to get this special flour.

So, I'm a send you to New York.

- New York?

More money and going to New York?

- You got to learn about America.

This is one great country.

- When do I start?

- What, you got ants in your pants?

When I say so.

- How long does it take to fly to New York?

- Wait a minute, not so fast.

First, you gotta stop at different cities.

If you don't deliver the flour to all of my friends,

you never get to New York. Understand?

- I finally get to go to New York.

- Freddy, he's gonna chauffeur you.

- Freddy?

My chauffeur?

Why don't we want to fly?

- Fly?

When you fly, you see nothing.

But when you drive,

you get to know this beautiful country.

Start packing.

Bruce, where you get that necklace?

I never seen that on you before.

- Oh, this?

It was a gift from my new girlfriend.

- Ah.

When you get back from your trip,

maybe you get married, eh?

- Oh, I love get married.

But I hate to give up my girlfriend.

- Bruce, tell us about your girl.

- Oh, she's beautiful.

Sexy legs.

Really big eyes.

- Yeah, yeah?

Did you touch any?

- Easy, animal.

She hugged me.- Yeah?

And she was moaning. - Yeah, yeah?

She tore my shirt off.

And scratched my back. - Yeah?

Kissing my eye.

Kissing my nose.- Yeah!

Breathing in my ear.

So, was she good?

I'm not sure.

I don't kiss and tell.

- This is serious.

Now, Bruce could lead us to the head of this drug ring,

and you guys know it.

Now, we've got to do whatever it takes

to get him to New York.

- Breathing in my ear?

- Bruce.

Be sure to deliver all of the flour

and never let it out of your sight.

Otherwise, you never get to New York.

Freddy, he's gonna keep an eye on you.

Right, Freddy?

- There's right, we're not gonna let you down, boss.

- Oh, I wanna capture this moment.

Say kim cheese.

- No, no, no. No pictures.

Just remember to never let the flour out of your sight. Eh?

Alright, your first step is Las Vegas, so enjoy yourself.

But, don't gamble unless Freddy shows you how to do it, huh?

- I never gambled before.

I can't even say blackjack.

Goodbye, so long.

- Ciao, ciao.

Freddy, remember, drive carefully on the road.

We can't afford accidents or tickets, huh?

Good boy.

Ya-Ha, Leos Vegas!

The town where everybody's a winner!

Boy, look at these places.

Where's the Mustang Ranch?

My grandfather once had a sweet there.

- Sy, Hy, listen up.

Boss of Bosses thinks he can deliver powder in my town

without kickin' in, he's crazy.

I want you should get Lil Pete's deliveryman

and kill him if you have to.

But bring that powder to me.

Here, these are the guys that you kill.

Intercept their cocaine

before it gets to the Las Vegas connection.

Waste him before they leave town.

- Be a pleasure, boss.

- Oh, and would you remind me to call my mother on Tuesday.

- Hi.

Hi.

- Ah, thanks.

We heard a lot about you, Bruce.

The martial arts and your special flour here.

- You want me to cook for you?

- No, we got our own recipe for this flour.

Why don't you two guys sit at the table.

- Oh, thank you.

- You guys must be thirsty after such a long, hot trip.

Eh, Mr. Willinger.

Bring my friends ice cold beer.

- Do you know anything about gambling?

- Gambling?

I met a woman who made her husband

a millionaire by gambling.

- Really?

- Yeah, but he was billionaire before.

- Hey, that's funny.

I like that.

- I'm gonna teach ya how to play blackjack.

Now, if you want another card,

you go like this, okay?

If you don't want another card,

then you go like that, alright?

Do what I do, ya got it?

Okay.

No, no.

Cut the cards, sir.

- Just cut the cards.

- Kya!

- Hi there, wanna have a good time?

- Ha ha, listen, baby, this guy,

he's just a wet noodle, you know what I mean?

But me, I'm a caged tiger.

Why don't we go to the penthouse for your penthouse.

Penthouse.

I'm always attracted to men with big bucks.

Let's go, tiger.

The way you were dressed,

I thought you were just a chauffeur.

- But, he is a chauffeur.

- I ain't no chauffeur, what, are you crazy?

Yeah, but you got great thighs.

- Are you having bad luck?

- This machine only know how to eat.

Must be constipated.

- Here.

Try this one for good luck.

- You look so beautiful.

You from New York?

- No, sweetie, I'm from Ohio.

- Ah!

Look at all this money!

- You hit the jackpot.

- I'm gonna be millionaire!

Thank you, grandfather!

Oh, no pocket.

What am I gonna do?

I got an idea.

Put it in.

- Okay.

- Ah!

- How would you like to go to a party with me, sugar?

- Party?

I love parties.

Who's party?

- Your party.

- I have no party.

- I'll make you a party.

- Oh, that must be surprise party.

- Kya!

- I'm dying.

Call me a doctor!

- You're not bleeding.

Thank God, that knife never touched you.

- Then call me a banker.

- Listen to that.

They must be havin' a good time.

- Hey, that's my partner Bruce!

Well, sounds like he found something wild, did he?

- I'm just as wild as any girl in this town.

- You gotta give me more time!

- Times up.

And now we're in the bonus round.

Listen, why don't you have your friend

give you a few tips.

He must be incredible.

In fact, if he ever has the time,

I'll give him a discount.

- What happened?

Are you sick or something?

- Okay, that's it!

That's it!

I've had enough.

Enough is enough.

It's, aw Jesus.

It's an obsession.

No more, no more.

Aw, jeez, two girls?

- No, there are more girls comin'.

I can't take it, out.

Get out. Get out!

Right now, out.

Get outta here.

Get outta sight. Get out, get out, get out.

I can't take it. I can't take it!

Get out!

I don't want no more.

Get out of here!

Why, am I glad we're out of that zoo.

Did you learn anything in Vegas?

It's showbiz.

Sammy Davis Junior.

Will you take off those rings.

You look ridiculous.

Come on, take 'em off, take 'em off.

Off, off, off, come on.

Oh God, the cops.

Alright, now don't make trouble.

Who loves ya, baby?

♪ And now the end is near

- Stop it, will ya just stop it?

Will ya just stop it?

- I'm just doing Frank Sinatra.

He did it his way.

♪ I did it sideways

- Alright, be cool, be cool.

You're cool, I'm cool. You're cool, I'm cool.

God it's hot.

Howdy. - Hi!

- You wanna show me your driver's license.

- If you guys keep taking it away,

how's he supposed to show it to you?

- Is this car registered?

- No, this car Oldsmobile.

- Wanna show me your registration.

- Yeah, right, registration. Right here.

- You, speeder.

Sign right there.

- Sign.

You Libra, put down Libra.

- What are you on, drugs?

- No, officer...

You, shut up.

- That's groovy.

- Chinese boy got a funny mouth.

- Mm-Hmm.

- What you got in the bag?

- This?

This is famous Chinese flour.

The best recipe making noodles.

You should try some of this.

It's from mainland China.

Here, taste it.

- I hate Chinese food.

Half hour later you hungry again.

- That's a good one, Clyde.

- That's a good one.

That's a good one.

- I don't get it.

- Boy, you look like an illegal alien.

You got yourself a green card?

- No, I god blue card.

- Well, I guess that's it.

We better be goin', thank you very much.

Have a nice day.

And, as a token of our friendship.

I want you to have this.

- You want us to have this.

- Yeah, and there's plenty more where it come from.

- No, he doesn't mean that.

Tell him you don't mean that, Bruce.

- I sure mean that.

Keep it.

- I believe the Chinese boy offerin' us a bribe.

- Kinda looks like it.

- No, no, no.

Get out of the car.

Get out of the car now.

- You can't bribe us.

- At least not for nickles.

- Could you help me?

I think I've got a slow leak in my rear tire.

- I'll be more than glad to help you out, ma'am.

- Did you say you think you got a slow leak, ma'am?

- Well, I don't know anything about cars.

But I do know about practically everything else.

- I bet you do.

- Get the hell in the car.

- I'm hip.

- Get in the car.

- Hip, hip.

- Give them some chloroform and put them in the patrol car.

That should buy some time.

Freddy, that Toyota didn't even stop for me.

I was once run over by a Toyota.

Oh, what a feeling.

Look, we can't waste much time, you know.

The cops'll be on our neck any minute now.

That's got it.

Oh, Jesus.

It's an attack.

Attack!

Attack!

- Hey!

Hey!

- Kung fu cowboy?

- Looks like you got yourself

in a heap of trouble there, partner.

Or, did you just marry a cop?

- Excuse me.

Do you happen to know a blacksmith

or somebody around who can get this

bracelet off my friend.

- I'll do better than that for ya.

Hold your arm out straight there.

- Wow.

See ya.- Happy trails.

- Well, Bruce.

That takes care of the Houston delivery.

- Another job is over now, it's a Miller time.

Bonzai, huh?

Hey.

- What's your pleasure?

Cowboy?

- Sake light.

- Well, we don't got no sake light.

All we got is sake natural.

- I come all the way from California,

and the only thing you got is sake natural?

It ain't bad.

I'm surprised.

- I'm a two-fisted drinker.

I like to drink and punch people out.

- Oh, I like to drink and each sushi.

- Susie?

Susie's my girl.

- Oh, you like sushi like I like sushi?

- Yeah, I like Susie.

- I had sushi last night.

You should eat sushi in the morning, sushi in the evening,

sushi for suppertime.

Then you wouldn't be so fat.

- What the hell's wrong with you, China boy?

What's your name?

Wong or Dong?

- They call me Bruce.

- Bruce?

No, Bruce.

- Well, I tell you what, Bruce?

I'm gonna put bruises all over your body.

- If you can snatch this pebble from my hand,

then you are ready.

- Grandfather, there is big bird over your head.

- I'm not gonna fall for that old trick.

Ooh, punchin' doggies.

- Let's get out of here.

- Holy turd.

- Anybody drunk?

I wanna arrest somebody.

- Hey, guys, let's wait til they throw up here.

I hate to clean up the jail.

- Well, don't just stand there, arrest somebody.

- You guys, shut the hell up.

- He ain't with us.

- I thought he was.

If Stephen hadn't been tryin' to steal the furniture,

we wouldn't be in here.

- What are you lookin' at?

Haven't you seen a guy in a jail before?

You're lucky, these iron bars in the way.

I'll finish you punks off another time.

- When I get out of here,

I'm gonna squash your face. Truth.

- Hey, this food sucks.

- How 'bout some mashed taters?

- Gee wiz, I've got a riot on my hands.

What am I supposed to do about it?

- Serve real food, fat face.

- Now listen, Stephen, I don't have to take that from you.

- Oh, I got an idea.

Why don't I make my famous Chinese noodles?

- Oh, my favorite dish is moo goo gai.

- Your favorite dish is some young guy.

- I have a very special flour right here in my bag.

- Gee, I don't know.

The guard sucks. The guard sucks.

The guard sucks. The guard sucks.

The guard sucks. The guard sucks.

The guard sucks. The guard sucks.

The guard sucks. The guard sucks.

The guard sucks.- Stop it!

- I'll let him go in and cook in the jail's kitchen.

- Alright, alright.

- You got microwave wok?

- I don't think this is a good idea.

- Pretty face, stay out of this.

- Look, you don't understand.

This is very expensive flour.

We can't afford to waste it on a bunch of prisoners.

- Don't be selfish.

Guard, take me to the kitchen.

Let go!

- Look what you did!

The boss is gonna kill me!

- The more I inhale, I wanna be an astronaut.

- Well, the more I inhale

the more sick and tired l get of your face.

All of your faces.

Everybody go home.

Let's go catch us some real criminals.

- Now you're talking, yeah!

- Will you excuse me for a moment?

- Go ahead.

- Man you have enough on that arm for a condominium.

In Florida.

- Hang on.

You still got that M&M?- Yeah.

Let's peel 'em and eat him.

And then we'll drive to Europe.

Come on.

♪ The yellow rose of Texas

♪ Is the only gal for me

- Where's that special little geisha, I was in Texas.

- There's one up the road here, we'll take ya.

- Oh yeah, I gotta have some sushi.

- Sushi?

♪ You know sushi like I know sushi

♪ Sushi in the morning, sushi in the evening

♪ Sushi in the summertime

Freddy, where are you going?

- I'm gonna ride to the bridge where the west commences.

I'm gonna find my new horizons.

Make way for the new Italian stallion.

Sylvester Stallone, each your heart out!

There must be a better way to get in your jeans.

- Chicago is my town.

Nobody delivers coke to my territory.

Two of Lil Pete's guys are comin' into town.

I wanna get those guys.

I want them killed.

How ya gonna do it?

- Well,

we could,

we could slit his throat from ear to ear.

Or, perhaps you're looking for something

a little bit less bloody.

I could throw a flying star between his eyes.

Ooh!

Or, we could just drown them.

Slam dunk!

- Yeah!

- Of course,

maybe you're into a little torture first.

For that, we have a whole new line of this year's gag balls.

Gag balls.

And we have leather whips.

I love the whips part.

The name's Toby!

The name's Toby!

No, no, Kunta Kinte,

Your name's Toby!

That's for Suzy Chapstick.

And that's for meat by-products.

And that's for Lucciano Pavorati.

And that's for people that stop on

entrance ramps of freeways.

The name's Toby.

No, no, Kunta Kinte.

That's for the Village People.

That's for nondairy creamers.

And that's for heehaw!

You're name's Toby.

Yes, yes, my name is Toby.

Help me!

Of course there's always castration.

Of course, if you want some more conventional method.

This gun and silencer is just dandy.

- I hope everything is prepared for the arrival of my guest.

Look, I want you to make him feel at home.

He's a very important visitor.

Go all out.

Well, Bruce, we're in Chicago.

One more delivery, and we're on our way to New York.

My grandfather told me he had a friend in Chicago.

Al Capone.

Never heard of him.

- Bruce has arrived, sir.

- Tell him to come in.

- Howdy, folks.

- Welcome.

- What is this?

- Give me a hug!

- Oh, sure. Welcome.

Oh, of course.

Welcome.

- That's for jello pudding.

That's for bagpipes.

That's for pina coladas.

That's for kitty litter.

- I love sushi.

Seaweed.

Octopus.

But who ordered that fly?

I as a samurai warrior, but I gave it up.

You were a samurai warrior?

Why did you quit?

- Union problems.

- You say you're a samurai warrior,

but the fly is still alive.

- But that fly will never make love again.

- After dinner, I'll give you a massage.

Would you like that?

- Massage?

I like massage.

In fact, my first time in America,

I worked at massage parlor.

They fired me.

- What for?

- Rubbing people the wrong way.

- Ah, that's good.

Harder.

Harder.

Ah.

Ah.

Oriental women walk five feet behind the men.

American men walk all over men.

You think you're going to give me acupuncture.

Now I really need it.

Ooh, ooh.

Whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

- I'm playing doctor.

- Doctor, I'm fine down there.

Pain it up here.

- Hello.

- Big Al?

It's me.

- Carmen, baby.

You didn't screw up again, did ya?

- I got the bag.

I switched them.

They have the real flour and we have the stuff.

- Oh, you're beautiful, baby.

And Little Pete, he's gonna get the ax.

- You're not gonna forget about me and our plans, are you?

- Oh, of course not, kiddo.

I want you to come back here right away.

And be careful.

You're carrying enough powder to get all of Chicago high.

- I'm so excited, Al.

Finally, our dreams are gonna come true.

- What is he doing, boss?

- Just checking your Chinese flour.

- You don't need him, I'm the real expert.

- This is flour.

- Yes, sir.

My test shows this is genuine flour.

And a very good grade I may add.

- I'm not paying you to be a joker.

Now, if your life depended on it.

And it does.

Do you swear that this stuff is flour.

- Sir, I'm positive.

- I want you out of this room now.

- Yes, sir.

- Freddy.

Freddy, Freddy.

Ah, Freddy.

You know what this means, don't you, Freddy?

- Goodbye, Freddy.

- I know what that means.

That means kiss of death.

I've seen Godfather movie.

But, I hate to tell you this, Boss.

You don't kiss as good as Marlon Brando.

Now you gonna kiss me too?

- You shall die by my bullet,

because that's as much as I can do for you.

- Freddy, come on.

- Get him!

- Go, go, go, go.

Go now, go now, go, go, go, go.

Don't wait, go, go.

- Lady, please help me.

There are gangsters after me.

- Gangsters?

What happened?

- I can't explain.

Would you hide me some place?

- We're lookin' for an Oriental, you seen him?

If you are referring to a particular person

of the Asian Mongolian race,

they are not indigenous to this propinquity.

- What the hell is she talking about?

- She said there's no rice peddlers in this neighborhood.

- Yeah?

You don't mind if we look around?

- Do you have a search warrant?

I know my rights.

I happen to be a law student at NYU.

- Yeah, lady.

This is our search warrant.

- Stop it!

Stop it, you’re ruining my merchandise.

- You'll get reimbursed in Hell, lady.

- Stop it!

Stop it!

- You got somethin' to hide?

I'll tell you!

I'll tell you where he is!

Well, why didn't you say so?

- He's in the back room.

- Excuse me.

- It's okay.

- What are ya searchin' for?

What are ya searchin' for?

I want you to tell me today. - Amen!

What are you searching for?

Come, look at me.

Tell me.

- I am searchin' for him.

Amen!

- Ask and it will be given you.

Seek and you will find.

Knock and it will be open to you.

Yeah, Amen.

What are you searching for?

- I want to be healed.

- You're in the wrong line, sister.

Remember, children.

God gave us his love.

And the Catholics gave us bingo, hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

What are you searching for, sister?

- I'm looking for a man.

- Tell us about him.

Was he in your heart?

- No, he was in my car.

- Well, spiritually.

He is everywhere we go.

And we call him Jesus.

- No, I call him Freddy.

Hallelujah!

- Why don't you turn around

and share your experience with us.

Amen!

- Brothers and sisters.

Amen!

- It all started when I was a kid.

I was raised by my grandfather.

And we didn't have no clothes, no food.

We were so poor, one time burglar broke into house.

We robbed him. - Amen!

- Amen.

- But, seriously, folks.

Today, people are so, what do you call it, materialistic.

- Materialistic.

- That's the word.

- Money is not the most important thing in life.

- The most important thing in life is broads.

Broads!- Amen!

Broads?

- Broads?

- Sister, you cannot say blasphemous things

in this holy church.

Repent, repent!

- Did I do something wrong?

- Moony, moony, moony!

Moony, moony, moony, moony!

Moony, moony, moony, moony, moony, moony, moony.

Moony, moony, moony, moony.

Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony.

Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony.

- Peter, I mean, Freddy!

- Run!

Run!

- Wait a minute.

- I'll take care of this.

Say, blood, give me five yo mamma get down.

- What you mean, yo mamma?

- Wait a minute, I know where you comin' from,

but you gotta get it together. Do like I do.

Say blood.

Say blood.

- Say blood.

- Naw, say blood.

- What's happenin'?

- What's happenin'?

- Say, foo, what's yo name.

- Say, foo, they call me Bruce.

Bruce?

- What's yours?

- I'm Curtis.

- Curtis, this fool be Freddy.

- Curtis, it's a pleasure.

I want you to know you all run very fast.

- We know that.

- Yeah, so, what's your problem.

- Man, some dudes chasin' us all over.

And they're from mafia.

Mafia?

- So, what you need is some protection.

- Right on!

- You all come from us, we'll hide you.

- Whoa!

What are these stuff in this room?

- They're some electronic gadgets.

- That's an electric chair.

Yeah.

Uh, must be Curtis with the food.

- Hi, Bruce.

Hello, you look familiar.

- May I come in?

Yes.

- Thank you.

Don't you recognize me?

We met in Ginelli's bar.

- Oh.

She's the lady who gave me this necklace.

- Oh, yeah, you're the one

with all the moanin' and the kissin'

and the breathin' in his ear, huh?

- Look, I'm a federal agent.

- Oh my God.

- The necklace I gave you was an electronic microphone.

We've monitored all your conversations.

We know your locations all over the country.

- Oh my God.

- Can't you say anything but oh my God?

- They used you, Bruce.

You were their stooge.

You weren't delivering flour,

you were delivering cocaine.

Drugs, Bruce.

- Drugs.

Oh my Buddha.

I've been delivering drugs.

Oh, forgive me.

- Bruce, I was gonna tell ya.

But, you know, I took an oath.

- Don't blame Freddy.

If he'd said anything,

they would've killed him and you.

- I took an oath too.

For Bruce Lee.

Now I have disgraced him.

- Not yet.

You can still make up for everything.

We'll get an amnesty for Freddy.

I need your help.

- Now you want me to be your stooge?

- If we can catch these guys,

we can stop the entire distribution

of all the drugs in the underworld.

When we do that, we can find your lady.

But, I need your help, Bruce.

- I must help you.

That's all there is to say.

- Here we go.

- Well, well, Freddy.

Now, I'm glad to see that you’ve decided to make up for your

unhealthy mistake.

Where is it?

- If we give it to you know, you'll kill us.

- Freddy.

You're already a dead man.

- Well, Bruce.

I guess you'd better give it to him.

- You see?

You're braver than I thought.

Hey, where is it?

Kya!

Hey, Bruce, the enemy went that way!

Hold it, freeze!

- Move it, on the car, on the car!

- Hello, Boss.

I hope you like the food in hoosegow

Otherwise I'll have to bring Chinese noodles for you.

Freddy, wait.

- Oh, man, Bruce, what do you want?

- I want you to have this.

- Aw, no, man.

- So I always know where my best friend it.

- You make me laugh, you know, you always make me laugh.

Come on, driver, let's go, huh?

You think there's a bar around here

or somethin' on the way, maybe?

- Arrivederci.

- Well, according to this, that's the lady.

- That's the lady?

- No, darling.

That's the lady.

- Wow.

My grandfather was right.

She is the most beautiful lady in the world.

- Your grandfather meant America.

America will take care of you.

Come on.

- Bruce.

Don't forget the most important thing in life.

♪ Oriental boy find a girl

♪ You won't have to run anymore

♪ Win her with a heart of a kung fu dragon

♪ Just the way you dreamt it before

♪ Go, go, go, go, go

♪ Oriental boy, so slow, go, go, go

♪ Now that you have grown to a man

♪ Do you feel a certain surprise

♪ Living may be hard, oh, but life is funny

♪ All the little boys still inside

♪ Go, go, go, go, go

♪ Oriental boy, bye bye, go, go, go

♪ He's gonna make it, you know he will

♪ He's gonna make it on his own

♪ He's gonna make it, you know he will

♪ He's gonna make it on his own

♪ He's gonna make it, you know he will

♪ He's gonna make it on his own