All language subtitles for Kevin.Can.Fuck.Himself.S02E08.Allisons.House.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-NTb

Sam, I don't want to leave.
Now I know how to take
care of my problems.

I guess I'm gonna
have to take on Tammy.

We have a chance of
figuring this out together.

Or I can start
getting answers on my own.

No one listens to me.

I've never been a problem
for you.

I took care of my little

Tammy's gonna arrest me
for arson problem.

All you have to do
is sign this affidavit.

She knows.
I'm so sorry.

I'll fix it.

This is Allison's.

We think there's been
an accident.

Where is she?
I don't know.

What?

Can I get you
another tea?

Uh, I'd love one.
Thank you.

Allison.

Actually, I'm okay. Thanks.

Kevin, you have to
start doing dishes.

I tried that one time.

No, you licked all the dishes
and put them back.

Pete, what do you think
"licked it clean" means?

I guess I'm...
just bad at it

because dishes...
remind me of Allison.

Sometimes I wonder
if I'll ever recover

from her
untimely passing.

Hey, hon.

Oh, hey, babe!

You were saying?

I don't know.
Was I talking?

- Hey, Molly.
- Hello, boys.

Oh, you brought
my Miller Lite!
Yeah.

How much do I owe ya?

Oh, my treat.

Also, I'm cooking later
for the big game.

You're hear a lot, Molly.

Yeah, well,
Kevin needs me.

You know, like that time
he got his arm stuck

in the refrigerator.

It's true.
I might've died of starvation.

Which is ironic.

Alanis Morissette
taught me that.

So Kevin would've died
without you?

Maybe you should
go home sometimes.

Ahh...

No, no, she--
she shouldn't go home, Neil,

because she's
my girlfriend.

Like, you know how you feel
about curly fries?

Imagine if another human being
felt that way about you.

- That's what we have.
- Aww.

I like having
Molly here.

You made everything
so much better.

Y-You've given me, us, our lives
back these last six months.

Well, that's nice, Neil.

Uh, but Kevin and I have
only been together for four.

Yeah, Allison's
been gone six months.

Huh. Well, I'd say,
"Ding-dong, the witch is dead,"

but that would be insensitive.

So I won't say it.
Adiós.

Yeah.

Yeah.
What do you think?

I think it's rearranging
deck chairs

on the Titanic
at this point.

But it's nice.

Gonna be $85, Judi.

Okay.

Okay.
Thank you.

Oh. And here.

Oh.

Small print.

Oh, stop that.
You'll like it.

You been reading much?

Yeah. Sometimes.

I've been busy.

That's stupid.

I don't care what
you have going on, okay?

Or who you live with.

You don't forget
who you are.

Okay.

Mm!

Yeah, hi. Uh...

I'm looking for a number
in New Brunswick County.

Gertrude Fronch?

Hey, Dad! Can you come
in here real quick?!

And, uh,
bring some pancakes!

Oh. Oh, boy.
This is tough.

But I knew
this day would come.

Buddy, I said "pancakes,"
not "suitcase."

Kevin,
it's time I leave.

I've been sticking around
'cause you're in mourning,

but it's starting to feel
like you're taking advantage.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

This morning,
you made me tie your shoes

'cause it reminded you
of Allison.

I do bunny ears, and
she loved Easter so much.

I guess you just forgt
about all that

because of your
just-on-time-set Alzheimer's.

I do not have--

Look, Kevin, Lorraine has
a condo down in Florida.

We're gonna be going there
for the winter.

- It's summer.
- And all the other seasons.

Fine! Go follow that
old crone down to Florida!

I'll see you for three weeks
in February to work on my tan!

You think I'm gonna
tell you the address?

Come on.

Oop. Okay.

Why don't you sit down
and I will just serve you?

Mm! If you insist.

We need
a bigger place.

What?

Four people lived
in this apartment

for the first 11 years
of my life.

Plus, my Uncle Tim
when he first got out of jail.

Oh, yeah, I can see why
you're dying to stay here.

Hate to leave all those great
Worcester memories behind.

Tammy.

Would a new place
be so bad?

Especially after everything
that happened with Allison?

I know I shouldn't
have helped her.

But she needed the pills.
And it got Nick off her back.

I know, I know. I don't need
to go through it again.

I know why you wanted me
to move in here.

It would have been a lot
of change all at once.

But it's been,
like, six months,

and I feel like
we're... stuck.

Don't you?

I don't know.

Maybe.

What's really
keeping us here?

My business.
Your job.

You can cut hair
from anywhere.

And my job--
I just watched another

Patrick O'Irishwhatever
make detective

after two years
on the job.

And in another two years,
he'll probably be my boss.

I'm fine with
leaving Worcester.

This is the only place
I've ever lived.

Look, Patty.

This is the only place
you've ever lived.

Hey, you settle
the register?

- Yep. Even.
- Ah. Nice work.

Pam would've liked you.

Pam, as in...?

Oh. From the name.

I didn't know she was real.

I know I only brought you on
for the summer, but...

how'd you like to stay?

I-I feel like
you belong here.

Yeah?
Yeah.

You caught on really quick,
and it's only been a few weeks,

and you're
practically a pro.

Well, technically, I am.
You pay me.

Right.
And you're funny, too.

You don't think someone
named Gertrude would be funny,

but you are.

Well, yep.

Think about it. Okay.

Neil, best buddy, you are
not gonna believe this!

My dad w--

W-W--
Uh...

Whoa!

Uh, uh... no.

No. No, no, man. No.
She-- She fell on top of me!

Uh, uh,
she needed my gum.

I'm dreaming?

I could argue that I am
the one slumming it here.

But, no, Diane. I--

Whew.

Sorry. I got caught up
with some stuff.

Mm. That's fine.

I ordered
a bacon egg-n-cheese.

Yeah.

Oh. Okay.

Anything new?

So, I'm pretty sure she ws
working at a Dollar Store

in Vermont
a few weeks ago.

Vermont.

She might be moving south.

You look tired.

Are you an actual idiot?
Saying that to a woman?

Probably.
Um, I'm still gonna ask.

Uh, are you okay?

Are you sleeping?

I just want to make sure
she's alright.

I think about her.
Don't you?

No.

Liar.
I don't.

She left on her own, and I don't
think she wants to be found.

Yes, she does.
She's Allison.

Yeah, and I know
Allie, too, and--
Oh, no.

Because you still call her that
like she's 17? Jesus.

Well, yeah, she's still
the same person, right?

I mean,
people don't change.

But sh--
she actually... did.

I don't even think
she realized it.

She gave up everything
to protect me.

And now that I'm left here
without her,

I don't feel better off.

I just feel... left.

I think the most fun I ever had
was sitting on my couch

next to her trying
to pull her teeth out.

What?

Well.

It's complicated.

Yeah, well, Allison's
a complicated person.

She's my favorite person.

And she did this because she
thought it would fix everything,

not because she wanted to.

She wants to be found.

Then why is she
so good at running?

Here you go.

- Another one?
- Yep.

I guess, uh, Doris Lyman
spent half her life

at Eileen Fisher's.

Lucky us.

These are pretty!

Sure.

Hey, you said your brother
was a handyman, right?

Hmm. Michael.
The golden boy.

Right.
Do you think he could, uh,

come by my apartment
to fix my window?

It's been like two weeks,
and I can't get it shut.

I'll ask him, but he's
too busy to come to mine.

At least
your garbage disposal

isn't backing up
into your bathtub.

Be grateful.

Mm. Gratitude.

Mm!
Right.

Whew! I swear, all these bags
smell like Chanel No. 5.

I know. These are
some fancy ladies.

Yeah.
Fancy dead ladies.

That's... kinda dark.

Hm.

- Oh, hey.
- Ah, well, well!

If it isn't my supposed
best friend,

here in the bar
of mine enemies.

You can add that
to the list of things

I'll be expecting
an apology for tonight!

We came here
to get an apology?

I thought
this was date night.

Um, explain to me
why you deserve the apology.

Because you've been lying

and ditching me
to star in your very own

Barnum & Bailey sideshow
with that grandma!

Diane is not a grandma!

But, I mean, even if
she was a grandma,

that'd be okay, right?

I mean, my grandma, she's only
30 years older than me.

Okay.
So then you're...

If your mom was... If your mom was...

- They were both very young.
- Oh.

Whatever!
Diane is not a grandma!

She's an aunt who smells
like Herbal Essences

and is very nice to me.

Well, she is
practically my aunt!

It's like you hooked up
with my family!

Well, then, you're related,
almost, huh?

Whatever happened
to loyalty, Neil?

Gee, Kev, I don't know.
Maybe it went out the window

when you ditched me
and I got arrested alone!

Neil,
you misunderstand.

I'm talking about
your loyalty to me,

not the other way around.

You know what, man?
I'm done.

You've been a jerk to me for--
for-- for-- forever, I think.

Oh, yeah?
Name one time.

The time you ditched me
and I got arrested!

That's real mature, Neil.

About as mature
as your new girlfriend.

No.

Goodbye, Kevi.
It's time for you to go.

Fine. Whatever.

I got my own
smoking-hot girlfriend

to take care of me, so...

Oh, no, I-I didn't
even shower today.

Babe, how about
you don't announce it

to the whole bar
when you don't shower?

Hi, Allison.

Hi.

You did this to get me
to stop asking questions?

To give Patty an out?

Patty didn't need an out.

I deserve the blame.

And she knows you're alive,
I'm assuming.

Yeah. I--
Yeah, I think so.

This explains why
she won't leave Worcester.

Like one of those
captain's widows,

waiting for him
to come back.

You're surprised that Patty
doesn't want to leave Worcester?

I don't think
you can put that one me.

Right. But there's plenty
that I can.

For the last year, since
Wyndorff broke into your house,

I feel like everything's
been a little... off,

like a fraction of an inch,
and I just can't move on.

So I'm just gonna say
what I think happened out loud,

and we'll take it
from there.

You faked your own death.
That's obvious.

But before that,
you and Patty

assaulted a trucker
in Vermont for his pills.

Those pills and cash
were given to Nick Wyndorff

in exchange to
break into your house.

And that's where
I lose the thread.

Or really where I want
to drop the thread.

Right.

That was you, uh,
following me in the Jeep?

I had a friend up here
looking for you.

I must say, you're
really great at running.

Well, not good enough, apparently.

Is the rest of
the Worcester PD out there?

It's just me.

Why?

Because I don't think

it will do anyone any good
to tell them.

I think
Kevin might disagree.

I'm not really concerned
with protecting Kevin.

Or anyone like him, really.

That's been my job
for years, so...

But...

Nick Wyndorff died
last week.

And as far as I'm concerned,
this died with him.

Ohh.

Thank you.

I'm not doing this
to be nice.

I'm doing this because
I don't think you're the enemy.

You, either.

But that's about it.

Hey.

Good luck, Allison.

You seem like you hate that.

I kinda do.

Did they give you
the wrong thing?

Nope.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm just homesick.

Where'd you say
you were from again?

Uh, I didn't. Uh...

I'm from Worcester.

Oh.

You need money for a train
or something?

No, I don't need money.

Well, why can't you
go back?

I can.

But, also, I can't.
I, uh-- I don't deserve it.

You don't deserve...
Worcester?

Mm. I'm just not
a good person.

Sure you are!

Well, now's the time
you tell me

that everyone has
some good in them?

Fuck no.

I mean, you think I loan out
my asshole brother

to be just
anyone's handyman?

Oh. Hey.

Hello.

I just quit.

You quit?

Like, your job?
Yes.

- Just like that?
- Well, not just like that.

I've been miserable for a while.
You know that.

Yeah, Tam, but isn't that
just sort of life for everybody?

Not me.
I'm not staying stuck

in things that are
not working anymore.

I wanted options,
and now I have them.

Oh.

This is the part where you tell
me again that we should move.

Patty, you know we need
to get out of Worcester.

No. No, I don't.

What is so wrong with
staying where you grew up?

Why should I want to leave?

Because this place
is haunted.

Everywhere I look, I see
somewhere you lied to me.

I know I messed up.

And I'm sorry.

But are we ever gonna be able
to just move past it?

Maybe, but not here,
where everything happened.

I need something
to change.

I understand,
and I want you to be happy.

But I can't uproot my life
just to make you happy.

Okay, Patty.

What do you want?

I'm sorry.

But not this.

I need you to talk
to Diane for me.

Excuse me?

She's all pissed because
I didn't propose

or whatever after Kevin found us
making out upstairs.

What do you want me
to do about it?

Tell her I've been off lately
'cause you messed me up.

Tell her Dad used to hit us,
and she should feel bad for me.

I don't know.
Make something up.

You have to leave.

Not 'til you say
you're gonna talk to Diane.

No, I mean you have to
move out, for both of us.

You can't make me.

Yeah, I can.

I should've done it years ago,
and I'm doing it now.

You're not just gonna
throw me out on the street

because I asked you
to do one thing.

One thing?

One thing?!

Jesus. Calm down.

You spent the last 30 years
asking me to do

one thing after another,
and I've done them!

But I don't remember
you ever asking me

what it is that I want!

Fine.
What do you want?

I want to sit out there
and smoke

and not worry about
what anybody else needs.

That's the one thing
I haven't been doing for you?

Jesus.
That's pathetic.

It's the most
I could come up with.

Maybe if I could do that, I
could figure something else out.

But as long as you're here,
even that's impossible.

Where am I supposed to go?

You're 36 years old, Neil.

Don't you think it's time
you figured that out without me?

Jesse, could you put on
some more decaf? Jesus Christ.

I-I did some back
from the dead,

so you're not
entirely wrong.

Sorry. I'm not serious.
I know I'm not Jesus Christ.

I really thought
I'd never see you again.

Thought or hoped?

Uh, no. Not hoped.

I'm glad I was wrong.

I really thought it was
the right thing to do.

Well, but you know we're
not actually better off

without you, right?

Trying to believe that.

Well, Patty really does know you
better than I do.

And, um...
how is Patty?

I think she'll really
want to see you again.

Yeah. Yeah.
Not yet.

I-I still have a few things
I need to figure out first.

Yeah. Wait.

So, how are you gonna
explain to everyone

that you're back here, alive?

Kevin basically
buried you.

He made a really big deal
about it. People know.

Those are the things
I need to figure out.

What are you gonna say?

That I ran,

that I got away from Kevin
the only way I knew how.

So the truth, I guess.

How's that feel?

New.

So Kevin really made
a big deal when I died?

He grew a beard.

Mnh.
Yeah.

He had this elaborate memorial
service at a bowling alley.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

That's where
he met Molly.

Who?

Sam, who the fuck
is Molly?

Thank you.

Hi.

Aren't you...?

Allison McRoberts. Yeah.

I was gonna say "dead."

Well, about that--

uh, I was hoping
you had a second to talk.

Diane!

Diane, come on!

Neil?! What the hell
are you thinking?!

I made a mistake.
I can't just let this go.

I-I think
I'm in love with you.

Oh. Shut up.
Shut up. Come here.

You cannot
just show up here.

Do you have any idea
what Chuck would do to you?

- To-- To me?
- That-- That's the thing.

I don't care.
I don't care who knows.

Not--
- Not Chuck, not Kevin.
- Well, that must be nice,

'cause I had to pay
Kevin 500 bucks

to not "let it slip"
at bowling last night.

I care if Chuck knows.

Why?
He's a dick to you.

Are you drunk?

Diane, I need you.
When-- When we're together,

I feel... a lot.

And mostly, it's good.

We could--
We could leave together.

- We could leave together.
- Who says I want to leave?

I mean,
I-I tried that once.

It-- It was-- It was--

I-It's possible.
It's possible. Maybe.

But--
But not with you like this.

I haven't had a drink
for 212 days,

and if I was gonna go somewhere
and start over again,

stuff would
have to be different.

I can be better.

You-- You can
make me better.

That's not my job, Neil.

You figure it out.
And maybe.

But I can't do it
for you.

It's quiet in here.

A little too quiet.

So quiet
that if I stop talking,

it'll be complete silence,
which I cannot handle,

so I am just gonna say words
that I think sound cool.

Swashbuckler.

Noodle.

Spelunking.
Hey.

Quadru-- Oh.
Oh! Hey.

I'm so glad you're here.

Really?
Yeah. Of course.

Um, it's just last time
I stopped by

without calling first,

you called me
a "stage five clinger."

I did not!

Yes, you did,
because then I said,

"Oh, do we still quote
'Wedding Crashers'?"

And you said, "I'll stop quoting
'Wedding Crashers'

when they pry it
from my cold, dead hands."

And then I said,
"What-- Who's 'they'?

What are 'they' prying?"

And then you said,
"It's a figure of speech.

It's probably
Shakespeare."

And then I said--

Whoa, whoa.

Where was this memory

when you were ordering pizza
over the phone?

What?

Sorry.
That was the other one.

But if I did say that,
it was just a joke.

Oh. Yeah.

Well, four months together,

still never knowing
when you're serious.

Rule of thumb--

If you're offended by
what I said, I was just joking.

But don't worry.

You're gonna have plenty of time
to figure this stuff out,

because--
big exciting news--

you're moving in!

I'm moving in?

I know.
I'm a catch.

It's okay to get
a little excited.

Kevin, t-this is--

We... We--
We are moving very fast.

Lovebug...

...when do you think we can
start, uh, moving your stuff in?

You know, get going?

Kinda backing up there, huh?

No. No. It's just--
just 'cause I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna, uh...
What?

I gotta go--
I gotta go get some cigarettes.

Oh. Okay. Phew!
I thought you were leaving.

Oh!

No.

No!

But wait.
She doesn't smoke cigarettes.

What the hell is with everyone?

Bad day?
Oh, my God!

This is some sort
of horrible nightmare!

Or it's some sort
of wonderful dream!

Oh!
Allison, you're alive!

This is amazing!

And you have
great timing, too,

because I'm pretty sure
I just got dumped.

Where have you been?
What-- What is going on?

I'm here to do what I should
have done for the last 15 years.

I'm gonna be honest.

Six months ago, I ran.

I thought you were hiking when
you fell down that mountain.

No.
Kevin, I didn't go for a run.

I ran from you.

Did you hit you head when
you fell down that mountain?

Jesus Christ, Kevin.

- There was no mountain.
- Oh, okay.

So you were running on flat
ground when you hit your head.

I mean, you must have
some sort of brain trauma,

'cause right now, you sound
a lot like Neil this one time--

Kevin, shut up.

I'm gonna talk,
and you're gonna listen.

I want a divorce.

Sorry.

I-I thought you said "divorce."

I did.

No.
No, no, no.

No.
No.

Uh, Allison, you...
you don't want to do this.

Of course I do.

Honey, you're not serious
about this.

Yes, I am.
No, you're not.

Because you know
how this'll go.

You leave me,
and you will be back,

begging for help or money
or attention before you know it.

That's not true.
It is true.

Because this is just like
when you thought we should move

or-- or you should try school
or you had to go to Paris.

Eventually, you come
to your senses and calm down.

So what do you say
we just skip this part

where you think you want
a divorce, okay?

This is happening.

No.
No, no.

It's not, because, babe,
you're not capable.

Well, it's not
up to you.

Allison...
everything is up to me.

Kevin, where is everyone?

Everyone who?

Pete, Neil, Molly.

What do you know--

What did you say
to Molly?

Just the truth.

What Pete knew...
and Neil.

That you're
a goddamn cancer.

No. No, no, no. No.

No. This--
This is not happening to me.

Not from my wife.

No!

Allison...

without me,
you will have nothing,

because I will fucking
destroy you.

Do your worst.

Dad, pick up your goddamn phone.

Hey, Molly, it's Kevin.

Uh, I'm not really sure
what happened there,

but, um... call me back.

I'm, uh, I'm worried about you.

Hey, Neil, uh, I'm planning
some revenge on somebody,

and you're not here.

But you're supposed to be
to help me out.

So how about you just stop being
a fucking idiot

and you call me back, okay?

Whatever.
Bye.

♪ You see this guy

♪ This guy's in love with you

♪ Yes, I'm in love

♪ Who looks at you
the way I do? ♪

♪ When you smile, I can tell

Hey.

Can I get one of your stupid
fancy IPAs?

We don't have any today.

I'm sorry.

Oh.
Right. Sure.

I had a terrible,
terrible day...

and you're the only person
I hang out with now.

Is that okay?

Yeah. Yeah.
Of course.

Jesus.

She's here.

Allison?

Allison's here?

Or at least she was.

Wait. W--

When?

- Did she leave again?
- I really don't know.

I wasn't sure if I was
supposed to say anything, so...

Jesus Christ.

Why wouldn't she just--
Ugh!

Neil, I swear to God--

♪ ...my heart keep breaking,
'cause ♪

What?

♪ I need your love

♪ I want your love

♪ Say you're in love

♪ In love with this guy ♪

♪ If not, I'll just die

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do

Oh, my God.♪ Tell me now

♪ Is it so?

♪ Don't let me be
the last to know ♪

♪ My hands

♪ My heart keep breaking
'cause... ♪

♪ I need your love

♪ I want your love

♪ Say you're in love

♪ In love with this guy ♪

♪ If not, I'll just die

Patty.

I missed you.

I know.

For once he finally did
something you wanted him to.

I didn't want this.

Not anymore.

I want to stay.

Let's die alone together.

Let's die alone together.

♪ Just tell old Satan
how you feel ♪

♪ Get that old devil
right off your heel ♪

♪ Shout, sister

♪ Shout, sister, shout

♪ Oh, Lord

♪ Shout

♪ Oh, Lord

♪ Mm ♪ Oh, Lord