All language subtitles for The.Gong.Show.Movie.1980.720p.BluRay.x264-SADPANDA

Shit.

Lucky duck.

Son of a bitch.

Have a seat.

Go to sleep, you
little girl, you just sleep.

Rest those little bones,

while I go out and make
a goddamn fool of myself.

Holy shit!

♪ Sometimes it just
don't pay to get up

♪ Sometimes it just
don't pay to get up

♪ Your old dog died
and it broke your heart

♪ And you're running late
and your car won't start

♪ Sometimes it just
don't pay to get up

♪ They say if whiskey
won't kill you

♪ Then cigarettes
will do the trick

♪ They say you can't eat
meat or nothing sweet

♪ It seems it's just plain
risky getting up on your feet

♪ That's why sometimes

♪ It just don't pay to get up

♪ Sometimes it just
don't pay to get up

♪ Your bones are aching
from the cold and damp

♪ And you ain't got a
quarter for a loudmouth tramp

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Like I said, sometimes
it just don't pay to get up

♪ To get up, to get up

♪ Oh yeah

Michael, Michael, Michael!

Why don't you answer me?

What's the matter, you
too big to talk to me?

You're such a big
man, you won't talk

to little, small,
teeny, tiny me?

You keep calling me Michael.

My name's not Michael.

You're not Michael Barrie?

No, no, no, no,
I'm Chuck Barrie.

Big deal, Chuck
Barrie, Michael Barrie,

what's the difference?

More important, I want
you should listen to my songs.

I've got 'em here
in the briefcase.

They're terrific.

I want you should let me play them

on my fiddle on the Bong Show.

That's the Gong Show.

You changed the name?

Look, call us up, we're
in the phonebook, okay?

Listen, Chick, my songs
are the kind of songs...

That's Chuck.

Listen, these songs used to be

sung by my mother, your mother,

well, maybe your
grandmother, I don't know.

But you see, my...

Hey, Chuckie baby!

We're Satisfaction!

Hey, Chuckie baby,
we're Satisfaction,

and we got this tune we
want to sing for you.

Hit it fellas, one,
two, three, four, hey.

♪ What good's sitting
alone in your room

♪ Come hear
Satisfaction play, oh

♪ Life is a cabaret, oh, Chuck

♪ Come to the cabaret

You've hardly heard
nothing, listen to this.

I was walking down the street,

guy put his hand in my pocket.

I said, "What do you want?"

He says, "I want a match."

I say, "Why don't you ask me?"

He says, "I don't
speak to strangers."

That's a good one, that's good.

Now, listen, Chick,
I want you to listen.

Listen, my songs.

If you won't listen to my songs,

I've got, I've got such...

Wait, Chick.

Chick, listen, Chick.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm moving, stormtrooper.

How come you so late?

Hiya, Chuck, how
come you're so late?

I don't know, I just
couldn't get out of bed.

It's been a
madhouse all morning.

I believe it, I was...

How come you look
so tired, Chuck?

I don't know, I just
couldn't get out of bed.

What's happening, Mabe?

An 85-year-old actress named

Ethel Niche was
up here yesterday.

We don't need any
85-year-old actresses.

She don't want to act,

she says she thinks
you made her pregnant.

I made her pregnant?

She said it was either you

or Julius Irving of the
Philadelphia 76ers.

She left a picture,
recognize her?

I never slept with her.

Oh, and one more thing.

Mr. Didlo is in
your office, he says

he's got to speak to you.

He says it's very important.

Mr. Didlo, presenting the star

and host of the
show, Chuck Barrie.

Okay, baby.

I told you that you do not
have to announce me like that.

Well, you are the host
and star of the show,

and that's how
you get announced,

ain't that right, mama?

That's right.

Hey, Buddy.

Buddy?

Charles, there's been slippage.

Pardon?

I said there's been slippage.

And as network vice president
in charge of programs,

it is incumbent upon me to
bring this to your attention.

What's slippage?

A drop in ratings.

Oh, damn.

The Gong Show ratings are down,

just a teense, but
down, just the same.

Due to the wildness of you
and Jaye P. Morgan, I suspect.

I thought The Gong
Show ratings were up.

They are, but I
can smell slippage.

And Charles, comes
at a bad time.

Of course, there never is
a good time for slippage,

but certainly not at
contract renewal time.

My contract's up for renewal?

Yes, and because of
the impending slippage,

you will not be getting a
salary increase this year.

I didn't get any salary
increases last year.

And you aren't going to
get any this year, either.

Oh, and

no more limousines
to the studio.

I never take a
limousine anywhere.

You never take a
limousine to the studio?

How do you get there?

I drive my car.

Oh, how gross.

You should take a limousine,
it's good for the image.

All right, I'll start
taking limousines.

No, you can't, not this
year, too much slippage.

Wait a minute, Buddy.

I've got auditions and I'm late.

I'll see you later, all right?

Primadonnas.

Give 'em a little
celebrity status,

and they all become primadonnas.

Hey, good morning.

Good morning!

Hey, I'm sorry to
keep you waiting.

Go ahead and do it.

I've got to stop and tune up.

I had a cockroach.

A cockroach is in your ear?

Yeah.

For how long?

It's, it must have
been three years.

Oh, yeah, I like that.

That's good.

I mean, I totally
cannot even believe

Morris the cat is dead and they
keep showing the commercials.

It just like totally
bums me out to the max.

One more time before you
go, I kind of like that.

Very good, all right.

Well, thank you,
you can take your

little musical schlong
and go right out the door.

My name is Janey
Need-to-hand-me.

I think, that's
what they told me.

Anyway, I don't believe, so I
changed it to Insaney Janey.

Yeah, that's me, my
man called me Magic,

and this is what he say.

Lady Magic has captured
my heart and mind,

and made set in
a different time.

Then he makes it like
a fire, what I say,

once he's caught in her
web, you can't get away.

Lady Magic like
quicksand, I must admit,

the more you struggle,
the deeper you get.

You know what I
mean, jelly bean?

Who is the cocksucker?

We're talking about beans,
I'm talking about a bean.

There you sit, all
broken hearted,

trying to shit and only farted.

Hold it, hold it, hold, hold it!

Janey, do you think we
could do that on television?

I did it before and they had me.

On television?

Where's Johnny Michelle?

Get him back.

Everything up until that's fine,

but we can't get away with
that, you must be crazy.

We can't say that
stuff on television.

♪ Sitting in the
bathroom, thinking of you

♪ Sitting on the
toilet, nothing to do

I had a bad day today.

Everything I touched
today turned into cock-up.

I had a pet rock, and
I loved it so much,

I turned my back, it peed on me.

I said to my wife, I said,
"Dear, let's eat out."

She spread all the food
and spread across the lawn.

What a day I had
today, everything...

I'm not right,
I'll be all right.

♪ We call that prostitution,
it's a prostitution

♪ It's the world's
oldest institution

♪ Now throw the first
stone if you dare

♪ You can be that ivory
citizen who really cared

♪ But remember behind
every lady of the night

♪ There's a first-class
citizen who's paying her right

♪ That's why I'm
calling the resolution

♪ Calling for resolution

♪ I want legalized prostitution

♪ Everything 'cause this

♪ That streetwalker
and a call girl too

♪ He's got an
economic service to do

♪ Work may have
its ups and downs

♪ But their business
has always been around

♪ So calling for this resolution

♪ For a resolution, for
legalized prostitution

♪ Make the girls
legal, make 'em clean

♪ This fall, vote
for Resolution 13

Oh, Chuck.

Hey, Chuck, how's tricks?

- How you doing?
- Okay.

- How are you?
- All right.

That's good.

You look beat, how
come you look so beat?

I don't know, that's
the way I look now.

You know, I just, I just,

I just finished auditioning
68 Gong Show acts.

No wonder.

But all that
stress, what are you

doing to maintain your
cardiovascular system?

My What?

Your cardiovascular system.

That's what I'm working on,
my cardiovascular system.

I work out like crazy.

You enjoy that?

I hate it.

Then why do you do it?

I just got divorced.

What's that got to do with it?

I am hawking every
22-year-old broad in this town.

Well, it's not exactly right,

I mean, I'm not hawking
every 22-year-old broad.

I'm hawking every 22-year-old
broad in my building.

I'm hawking my secretary.

She is something else.

Every time I throw her a hop,

she goes into the kitchen
and eats a piece of cheese.

Cheese?

And it don't make any
difference what kind.

It could be, uh,

American, Swiss, Camembert,
she likes cheese.

Then she comes
out of the kitchen

and I gotta hawk her again,
like I'm some kind of fountain.

That's really rough, Bernie.

You're damn right it is.

And if I can't do it,
you know what she does?

She grabs me by my canipes,
like they're subway pants

and jumps up and down
like a filled high.

What's a canipe?

These, these things,
these are canipes.

I always call them love handles.

Well, you call them love
handles, I call them canipes.

I'm telling you,

she treats me like
a Chinese dinner.

15 minutes after she hawks me,
she's ready to hawk me again.

I am terrified
every time she goes

into the kitchen for
a piece of cheese.

You know what I mean, Chuck?

Chuck?

So, what are you up to
tonight, Chuckie baby?

Big Premiere?

Dinner with some movie star?

Bang a few starlets?

You're not going
to believe this, Ed.

I'm going to go home and sleep.

I've got to tape five
Gong Shows tomorrow.

Yeah, sure, Chuckie.

Here come the Gold
Dinghies, do it!

All right, November's going
to be a good month for you.

December's going
to be a good month.

January, you will die.

February will be a good month.

A cow, listen to this, listen,

you listen, a cow
goes up to a priest.

The cow goes, "Moo
me, father, more.

"Mish-mack-uh, priest,
mish-mack-uh, father."

And the priest,
"Oh, for certain,

cow was my fay-schpook."

Are you making sport
of me or something?

Listen, I'm a talented
man, I've been on TV a lot.

Whaddya talking about?

To prove that this is no
ordinary ventriloquist act,

I now am going to have
Sad Sack sing a song

while I drink this water.

Shake, shake, shake,
shake your baggies.

That's a marvelous little duck.

That is animal
crackers, and, Phyllis?

Ow, Jesus.

Wakey, master.

Remember, Pearl Harbor.

That dastardly stab in the back.

I think it's time to
expose you're no good,

what do you say?

Yes, let's...

All right, okay.

♪ Little bit of business here

♪ Little bit of business there

♪ I can tell that you've
been window shopping

♪ All around the square

That's ridiculous,
that is time for it.

And now the new drink,
it's called a godfather.

Yeah, what's that?

It's chianti and prune juice.

Makes you an offer
you can't refuse.

♪ All right, yeah

♪ I'll tell you
where I'm coming from

♪ Well, brr, yeah, uh huh

♪ Figaro

♪ There he goes

♪ Allegro

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

a live bird in this bag.

Abra-kazam, lady-gazam.

Oh, well, what a bummer.

Gouging

One more time!

One more time.

Gouging

One more time!

One more time.

Gouging

More time!

One more time.

We'll be right back.

We'll be right back
with more stuff

right after this message.

All right.

HEY, I was gonged!

Yeah, a few losers,
now get off the stage.

Come on back,
Melvin, come on back.

Let's hear it for Melvin Presar.

Get off the stage.

All right, all right.

Yeah, that was pretty good.

Hey, one more time, Melvin!

Melvin, one more time!

At least it's a nice hospital.

I have never seen
a nice hospital.

You know I gave Presar
his heart attack.

I'm responsible, I did it.

I kept making him do
encore after encore.

Oh, come on, Bo, don't
be so hard on yourself.

Melvin loved doing his chicken.

And if he wasn't having fun,
you would have made him stop.

That's not true,
that's not true.

I kept going for the laughs,
without thinking about him.

I gave him his heart attack,

and I'll never forgive myself.

Excuse me.

Excuse me?

Well, if it isn't
old Chuck Barrie.

What can I do for you?

I would like to
see Melvin Presar,

I understand he's on this floor?

You know, I watch that
stupid show of yours

every day before I go to work?

First, I put on the coffee,
then I put on my TV,

and then I watch
your stupid show.

That is the dumbest thing.

Here, can I see
Mr. Presar, please?

Oh, you're here to say
goodbye to Mr. Presar.

Okay, follow me.

Goodbye?

Isn't Mr. Presar going to live?

Oh, he's alive,
but he won't survive.

I'm right, 19 out of 20,
and I call 'em as I see 'em.

Oh, here we are.

Now, the sickly
fool is only allowed

one visitor for
just five minutes.

That is, if he's still living.

It wouldn't matter how
long you stayed in there

if he was dead, now would it?

Well, by the way, if he should

happen to die while
you're in there,

just come and get me and I'll
take care of it from there.

Melvin?

Melvin?

Chuck?

Hiya, Melvin.

Chuck, it's so nice of you
to take the time to come.

I know you're very busy,

and have so many things to do,

and you have a lot on your mind.

How you doing, you old goat?

Is the nurse around?

Do you need her, I'll get her.

No, no, don't get her.

Just see if she's in the hall.

She's predicted that I'll kick.

She has a 19 out of
20 record, you know.

I want to make sure
she's not around.

Sure.

She's not out there.

Good, good.

Could you come
over here, please?

I want to show you something,

my new act for The Gong
Show, I've been practicing.

To start with, I
come out dressed like

a budding ginkgo tree!

And then I say to Milton,

"Milton, if you please."

And Milton plays A String
of Pearls in the key of C,

and I do my coyote.

Your what?

My coyote, like this!

Jesus Christ, Melvin!

And then, and then Milton plays

the Jersey Bounce, and
I do my law marine.

And then, and then...

What's the matter, how's Melvin?

How's Melvin, he's auditioning.

You can hear it for yourself.

Man has a heart attack,
and he's auditioning.

Chuck, Chuck, give
it to me straight.

How do you like my new stuff?

Chuck Barrie?

Where did you come from?

Well, originally from Utah,

but I've been in Los Angeles
now for the last 27 years.

My name is Dr. Jerry Queasley,

and I'm Mr. Presar's
personal physician.

I'd like to have a word
with you, Mr. Barrie.

Certainly.

This way, please.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

can we have a little
quiet, please?

Now, listen, I know
you're a very busy man,

but this won't take
very much time.

It's about Presar.

Now, all of us have
seen Presar's act.

None of us feel it is
anywhere as good as mine.

That's right.

Jerry's act is 10 times better.

It's great, the greatest.

Now, I am all set up, it'll
take a second to show you.

Now.

I go back, I call myself,

I call my act, "Dr.
Jerry, the Singing Chef."

I bring the table
out onto the stage.

I tell the orchestra to begin,
they play Camptown Races,

and I sing.

Dr. Crawford, if you please.

♪ First you break
your eggies in a dish

♪ Doo-da, doo-da

♪ Then you give
it a little swish

♪ All the doo-da day

♪ Then you add some flour

♪ And a dash of spice

Then you interrupt,
you come out on stage,

and you say, "I'm sorry, Doc,
but we've run out of time

"on the old Gong
Show," and I say,

"Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute,

"I can't come back
another time, I mean,

"I came down from San
Francisco to do this show.

"I mean, I brought all my stuff,

"and now you say I gotta
come back another time?"

And then you say, "Well,
I'm really sorry, Doc."

You see, and then we
argue back and forth,

and then I get
angrier and angrier,

and I get real fed up,
and pick up the batter,

and I throw it
right in your face.

How do you like the act?

It's just awful,
you're just a mess.

My God.

Is that, that's Presar!

Hold it, I've got a minute.

Hey, I've got it, I do, I do,

I do a crow.

I do a crow of The Stars
and Stripes Forever.

Who needs this?

Get off that damn show before

you really get
bent out of shape.

Get off?

How am I going to get off?

There are ways,
if you wanted to.

You could get a substitute.

Jamie Farr could do it.

Willie Bobo.

Joe Namath.

Joe Namath, where are you
going to find Joe Namath?

Someone else could do it.

You know, I can't believe
this is happening.

Listen, it's not
easy to get out.

You know, Bo,
you're not getting out

because you don't
want to get out.

You like it, everything,

including getting that
crap thrown in your face.

Ah, come on, it's better
than working in a bank.

Hey, don't change on me, Bo.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

It's just, you have this sort
of special quality about you,

and I don't want you to lose it.

What quality?

Never mind, forget it.

Listen, why don't
you call the Cowboys

tonight and play some music?

That always makes you feel good.

You know something, Red-Head?

Presar, doing a coyote

to the Jersey Bounce
really was pretty good.

Oh, God, you're sick.

I'm not sick.

What, just 'cause I roll around

with all this crap on my
face, you think I'm sick?

Hey, Chuck, anybody
hear how Melvin Presar is?

Yeah, I know how he is.

Red and I went to the
hospital to see him today.

He's okay.

I don't think he's very sick.

He auditioned a new act for me.

He auditioned?

He auditioned, and
so did his doctor.

I'm not kidding.

Come on, I've got a lot of
stuff to get out of my system.

Let's play a little, all right?

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ Hey, how come you like to see

♪ Everybody dump on me

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ You must be bored

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ What did I say

♪ To make you feel this way

♪ Now it won't be a disgrace

♪ If you just get off my case

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ You must be bored

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ Lord, I pay my dues

♪ I'm tired of singing the blues

I' Yeah I'd like to try

♪ And smile for a ltitle while

♪ If my muscles work

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

♪ You must be bored

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ Why me, oh, Lord

That's not your problem,
you know what your problem is?

You fell in love with me, and
you're just sick about it.

It's annoying the
hell out of you.

You know what your
grandmother used to say,

"For even! duck, there's a
duckess," and I'm your duck.

Duckess.

You would be my duckess.

Well, you know what I mean.

Sit down.

I'm going to tell you a joke.

All right?

You ready?

All right, now, you tell me.

What am I doing?

Don't know what I'm doing?

I'm running a bath.

I'm seeing if it's either
too hot or too cold.

I'm running a little bath,

you know, too hot or too cold.

Walk fast into the garage

and keep your hands in the air.

Stay right where
you are, Big Bo.

Hey, what's the problem?

What's the problem?

I ain't got no problem,
you've got the problem.

You die now.

Well, why?

Because we're brothers.

Well, what's that,

why do I die because
you're brothers?

Because we're brothers
from the same mother.

Yeah, there was a real
end-lick in our family.

A what?

An end-lick, a catastrophe.

When you gonged our
mother on your Gong Show,

you crushed her spirit.

You devastated her.

Oh, wait a second.

I didn't gong your mother.

The judges gonged your mother.

I loved your mother.

Who is your mother?

Dora Romani.

Dora Romani?

Cute, adorable Dora.

I loved her singing.

I wouldn't have gonged Dora
if I could have gonged Dora.

Shut up, no more talking.

No way you're going
to bullshit your way

out of this one, Bare-Ass.

Mario, pick up the top
of the garbage can.

Right.

What for?

What for, because it's dramatic,

and Bare-Ass here is show biz,

so I just figure we give him
a little show biz goodbye.

Go hit the top of the
garbage can, Mario.

And here's the moment
we've all been waiting for.

You hit the top of
the garbage pail,

it's like you hit the gong,

I hit the trigger,
and he hits the deck.

Vito, that's great,
that's greatness, Vito.

Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait.

Just a second, just a second.

Dora Romani was a good singer.

The talent's gotta be
running in your family.

And listen, you
shouldn't be wasting

your time with this stuff.

You should be thinking of
an act for The Gong Show.

You two guys could be stars.

You know, we could
do that little thing

we did at Angie's wedding.

What thing was that? I forget.

That's where we sang
the Robert E. Lee,

and then, in the
middle of the song,

we tell a little joke, and then

we sing the end of
the Robert E. Lee.

What joke was that?

That's the joke where I say,

"What do you call 250 Indian
maidens without nipples?"

And you say...

What do you call 250 Indian
maidens without nipples?

The Indian-Nippleless 500!

♪ Waiting for the Robert

♪ Waiting for the Robert

♪ Waiting for the Robert E. Lee

gouging

Pat, you're the same man

who gonged these boys'
mother, Dora Romani.

Now, why did you gong them?

I just remembered,
in the nick of time,

that Dora Romani
was their mother.

That's why.

Bad is bad.

Oh well, Gong Show marches on.

What, you want Jaye
P. to pull your tail?

Like her to pull mine too, okay?

Gouging

Why did you do that, Jaye?

Pull your tail, I'll
bite your ass off.

Oh, shit, I just
spit in my coffee.

Oh, shit, I just dropped
like the fucking Jews.

Oh, dog gone it,
Yo" 901: gonged.

Jaye, you school,

why did you do that to Bobby?

Nobody can follow the fox,
you asshole, so fuck off.

♪ My pa is a millionaire

My name is Doctor Jekyll.

It's Mister Hyde!

No, it's Doctor Jekyll.

It's Mister Hyde, Doctor
Jekyll, I tell you, Mister Hyde!

Today I'd like to pose
a Biblical question.

Is there reincarnation
after death?

And if there is, does
an individual return

in a higher or lower state

than he or she held in
his or her mortal life?

Oh, that's an interesting
question, father.

What is,

what is the answer
to that question?

Beats the shit out of me.

I pull the trigger.

The singing bird went bye-bye.

A bullseye.

Our next act is a
big disappointment.

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon

♪ Around the old oak tree

♪ It's been three long years

gouging

Jaye, why did you do that?

I'd like to know why.

I think we should tie a
yellow ribbon around your neck.

♪ Amazing grace

♪ How sweet the sound

♪ That saved

♪ A wretch

♪ Like me

♪ I once was lost

♪ But now am found

♪ Was blind

J" But now I

Pull the trigger,

watch the snake die.

A bullseye!

Please release me.

Let me go.

You know...

Gouging

Yes, well.

Tell me.

Well, Jaye, here,

Why?

Because you showed
your little monkey

once too often on television.

Pull the trigger,

got him on the first try.

A bullseye, a bullseye!

Hey, we'll be back.

What, what?

What, what?

Oh, yeah, but not now,

Moon, I gotta do commercial,
right after the commercial.

Hey, Chuck, Chuckie.

We'll be back.

What?

Is it okay if I just
kind of stand out here?

All right, now, just
stand right there, Moon.

Just let me get in
the commercial, okay?

All right, we'll be right back.

We'll be right back.

Chuckie, would
you do me a favor?

Could you tell me
if my fly is open?

Oh, no, it's not, it's closed.

Well, it should be, I'm peeing.

Now we've gone over the edge.

Right out of their
flipping minds.

Five shows are too
much to do in one night.

Well, we can't tape any less

if we want to make our schedule.

Schedule, schmedule,
there may not even be one.

Charles, you're in big trouble.

Stations are canceling the
show left, right, and center.

What show?

This show, your
show, The Gong Show.

Oh, they don't care how
big the ratings are.

You're offending
too many viewers,

and your offensiveness,
Charles, is escalating.

Now, Charles, we could be up,

pardon the expression,
Crap's Creek.

No.

I know you're on the run,
but we must have dinner

to discuss this
before it's too late.

Mabel, please make a reservation

at Matteo's tonight
for three at 8:30.

Good, good.

What a clay.

Yeah.

I'm telling you, Bo,
you really gotta get away.

You ain't just
bumping your gums.

Hey, how about a month
on the French Riviera?

Yeah, sure.

Ah, good evening,
Monsieur Barrie.

Greetings, mademoiselle.

How are you, Raoul?

This way, please,
careful, careful.

Careful with that, careful.

Table for two, this one.

May I, merci beaucoup.

May I take your jacket, please?

Always the epitome of
style, of style, class.

Que elegance,
please, lovely Red.

Oh, pardon, monsieur.

You look kind of tired
this evening, Charles.

Always tired, Raoul.

Well, let me tell you,
your secretary called.

You're a private party, no
one will bother you back here,

a little private
party, wonderful lace.

Far from the maddening crowd!

I've also chilled the Perrier.

You know, this
one I love myself.

Let me see, now, I will now
get the menus, tout suite.

The menus, please.

Pardon me, Chuck, but I'd
like to introduce myself.

I'm the cook, I
know you're busy,

but I just wanted you to
hear something I wrote

that you might want to use
on your television show.

Dr. Crawford, if you please.

♪ I'm a cook, I'm a cook

♪ Take a look, take a look

J" I'm the cook, I'm
the cook, I'm the cook

♪ Not a book, not a fluke

♪ Not a crook, not a snook

J" I'm the cook, I'm
the cook, I'm the cook

♪ I'm the cook, I can
cook like a son of a gun

♪ I can cook better
food than you can

♪ I can wheel, I can deal

♪ I can forge, I can feel

♪ I'm a wiz, I'm not
a flash in the pan

♪ I'm the cook

♪ Take a look

♪ I'm the cook

You shall be replaced.

Out, you're doing exactly

what Mr. Barrie is trying
desperately to avoid.

I don't believe you did this.

I beg your pardon, I
can't get good help.

I didn't plan this,
I'm so embarrassed.

Pardon, pardon.

I'm so nervous, I'm
going to smack his face,

I'm so sorry.

I will attempt now to
get the menus again.

The menus!

Anyway, as I was saying outside,

you need to get
away, you really do.

You've gotta get
back to the basics.

Smell the flowers, think
about life, stuff like that.

You've been working on that
looney bin show for so long,

it's driving you crazy,
and you don't even know it.

You've seen over a zillion acts,

and with auditions
and rehearsals,

week in and week out, you're
just not having fun anymore.

It's like you say, if it
ain't fun, don't do it.

And it ain't fun,
so don't do it.

Well, what do you want me to do?

I don't know, anything.

Go home and play with yourself.

Just get off that
goddamn Gong Show.

Play with yourself
on The Gong Show?

Is that what you plan to do,

play with yourself on
coast-to-coast television?

Oh, I knew it, I knew it.

Sorry, kids, I'm late,

but I had to drop Mildred
at her sumo wrestling class.

Coming up, a
chair for Mr. Dildo.

Oh, Didlo, Didlo.

Didlo.

Did-id-id-IO-IO-IO.

I beg your pardon.

Monsieur Barrie,
Mademoiselle, Mr. Didlo,

we have no menus.

I mean this is no,
we have no menus.

I mean, we keep
getting ripped off,

there aren't any.

Let's just not discuss the
menus any further, shall we?

And I'll be okay,
no, it's nothing.

Decide what you want to eat,

and I'll see if we can
fix it for you, okay?

Just take your time, I'll be
back in an hour and a half,

and you just try to relax.

Goodness sake, one
of us should relax.

Where are the menus, please?

Well, I'm not hungry, thank God.

What's up, Buddy?

You look worried.

Right, I will get
straight to the point.

Now, as a representative
of the network,

I'm responsible for taste,

religion, politics, and money.

Your responsibility
is to the people.

Now, millions of viewers
are counting on you

to get them through
the week, now,

that's a big responsibility.

And, Charles, quite
frankly, you are,

pardon the expression,
buggering it up.

Now, I wouldn't tell you this

unless I loved you.

A piece of you is
a piece of me, and,

and, where are you going?

I'm going to pissy.

Do what?

He's going to drain the goose.

Chuck, Chuck
Barrie, how are you?

Once upon a time, Charles,

The Gong Show was a
symphony of entertainment,

but now The Gong Show
is The Goon Show.

Cheap jokes, filthy language,

Jaye P. exposing
herself, transvestites.

Cute transvestites,
you gotta admit,

they're cute transvestites.

Yeah, yeah,
adolescent girls giving,

pardon the expression,
head to popsicles.

Now, in the beginning,
Charles, I believed in you.

I believed in you, I still
do, but the cancellations, oh!

Chicago, Detroit,
even San Diego.

San Diego?

Now, the bottom line is:

you and The Gong Show shape up

or you both ship out.

I'll shape up.

Do I have your word on it?

I'd raise my right hand, but
I'm a little busy right now.

Then repeat after me:

I, Chuck Barrie,
do solemnly swear...

Chuck Barrie!

Are you Chuck Barrie?

The guy on The Gong Show?

Come on, honey,
it's time to get up.

I know it's early, but
you got a long day today.

Come on, sleepyhead, come
on, that's a good boy.

Plump your pillows
up like you like,

make it nice and cozy.

Here's your little
hat, I know you

like your little
hat in the morning.

Now, I have a surprise for
you, so close your eyes.

They never opened up.

Are they closed?

Yeah.

Breakfast in bed!

I haven't made you breakfast
in bed since the good 0l' days.

Bacon and eggs.

Give me a little kiss.

Oh, no.

What?

Didlo!

I can't believe it.

My God, are you folks deaf?

I've been ringing
your doorbell forever.

Uh huh, you probably
turn it off,

like you turn your phones off.

Wanted a little,
pardon the expression,

early morning diddle, eh?

Oh, I'm exhausted, I didn't
sleep a wink last night.

And it's all because of you.

You're determined
to drive me crazy,

but I'm not going
to let you do it.

No, siree, I am not
going to let it happen.

I'm not going to let it happen.

Oh, that looks scrumptious.

I need marmalade, Red.

Oh, and skim milk, dear,

I never use cream.

And neither should Charles.

Buddy, what are you doing?

I'm eating Charles' breakfast,

Can't you see what I'm doing?

Now, Charles,

we parted last night without
you signing this agreement,

promising that you
would behave yourself,

and Jaye too, and
that The Gong Show

would be a good show.

Now, sign it this minute.

Go on, sign it, I said, sign it.

Hey, Buddy, it's 7
o'clock in the morning.

So what?

This is for your protection.

That's why I've been
climbing vines and trees

at dawn, to protect you.

That's what friends
are for, Charles.

And you know I care about
you, and the Red one.

Oh, seriously?

Seriously what?

I mean, you really care?

I really care.

In fact, I, and pardon the
expression, I love you both,

in my WaY-

Hear that, Red?

He likes us.

You know, it's nice to
wake up in the morning

with somebody you really
like right next to you.

I wonder how many people
in the city right now

are waking up to someone they
really like next to them.

Not many, I can tell ya.

Maybe just a handful.

Go on, sign it I said, sign it.

I guess you wonder why I called

this little meeting
here this morning.

Well, let me get to
the point: it's Didlo.

I mean, he is, he
has been hollering

and yelling at
me, day and night,

and he says that, I don't know,

that you and I are just too, uh,

too wild and woolly.

Wild and woolly?

Well, not exactly
wild and woolly, he says,

I guess that we're too crazy.

Crazy?

Oh, come on, Jaye,

we're too dirty,
that's what it is,

we're just too dirty.

We're really too dirty?

Gee, I thought I was
being pretty good.

Being pretty good?

I mean, you're saying
to that priest,

"Hey, father, you
were really a mother."

Or to that bird lady,
"There may be a pigeon

"on your shoulder,
honey, but under

"that skirt of yours,
there's a beaver."

I mean, that's being good?

Come on, Jaye, it's not funny.

I mean, it's funny,
but it's not funny.

Okay, I won't
talk dirty anymore.

You promise?

Do you promise you
will not be dirty?

Cross my fucking heart.

Why are you so
late this morning?

I overslept.

You always oversleep.

Why did you have to write that
letter to your sister now?

The acts have been waiting
over an hour as it is.

You haven't changed your
clothes in three days,

you look awful.

Coming in late,
and walking around

with about as much energy as

a hippopotamus with a hernia.

You've got to get
more rest, honey.

Ain't that right, mama?

That's right.

Hey, Mabel, come here, baby.

Come here, I just want
to ask you something.

I've been meaning to
ask you this for years.

How come your mother
follows you wherever you go?

Well, I keep telling
her to go home,

but she don't know
where she lives.

She don't know where she lives?

You don't know where you live?

That's right.

I can handle it from
here, girls, okay?

Remember, that's where you stop.

OkaYl now, if you get
Qoflged, you're not

going to get all crazy
about that, are you?

I mean, like you
said, quote the words

of that great old sage,
that's life in the city.

You know, all right?

You and me, we're doing
it for a laugh, all right?

I mean, you know, whatever.

Whatever happens.

I mean, don't take
it personally,

because they gong some of the
finest people on that show.

See you later, Mr. Barrie.

BYE, Mike, you too.

You too, thanks for coming down.

Thank you, take the
book, don't forget.

Jenny, we have done more

than a manager does in a
year, we do in a week, here.

While she's talking, yeah,

absolutely, absolutely.

Hush up, Harry, hush up.

We'll tell you when
to start, all right?

Because I got Harry
Christian in the nose.

Fuck it, so I'll make it
to the first of the year.

Barely, to the first
of the goddamn year.

Where the hell is
my black pencil?

My name is Walter Wanderman.

Now, listen to it, Chuck,
it's a very euphonious name.

Walter, Wanderman.

Da-da, da-da-da.

I've done many Broadway
shows in Paris,

a lot of television commercials,
a lot of television,

television series,
and a couple of, eh,

films that are being shown
in mental institutions.

Oh, you see, Chuck,
everything in my whole career

has always been in a comic vein.

I mean, I like
comedy, I love comedy.

Hey, man, I'm a funny
man, duh-duh-duh-duh-duh.

But you see, you see,
Chuck, the thing is,

the thing is, I've always
gotten up and done my own stuff.

I mean, I've never gotten up

and done another
writer's material.

And here I am in front of you,

and I'm doing myself,
me, da-da-da-da-da.

Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck.

Chuck, Chuck, Chuck,

I want to ask you a question.

I'll disappear.

Me, I'm doing acting, Chuck,

I'd like to ask you a question.

Did you, did you ever
try doing yourself?

Oh, no.

Well, anyway, Chuck, come on,
what are you walking out on me for?

No, you're playing.

Don't you have respect
for actors here?

I do, I do.

So what are you leaving
for, I'm an actor, man.

What is this shit?

Hey! chuck!

Hey, Chuckie, come on!

I'll be right back.

He'll be right back,
I've been waiting here

for three hours, here,
man, since Saturday.

Hey, Chuck, come on!

Hey!

I don't believe this, I
don't believe this, man.

I came here, where is that man?

I'm not going to,
I'm going to wait.

I gotta get out
of this business.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Della, what's up?

Remember I told you I want
to come by and surprise you?

Yeah.

Well, I'm getting married.

You're getting married?

You're 16 years old.

I'm in love, Daddy,
and I'm getting married.

You know, when you're in
love in a certain way,

you get married, it doesn't
matter how old you are.

Anyway, I want you to
meet the guy I'm marrying.

Bill, come on in.

This is Bill Bridges, Daddy.

Bill, this is my father.

Hello, Mr. Barrie,
how are you?

Holy batshit, Robin.

Are you ready?

Yeah.

Marriage, marriage,
what's marriage?

Chuckie baby!

You know, I'm still beat.

I am still beat.

Well, you played really hard.

And Marinara, he ain't
exactly chopped liver.

You know, that's not it.

You know what it really is?

I'm still angry,
that's what it is.

I'm still angry at the world.

And with all that raquetball,

and I still didn't get
it out of my system.

Wanna roll a drunk?

Very funny.

But I'll tell you what,

I think I ought to
call Billy and Ray,

and maybe, you
know, jam a little.

That's a good idea.

Okay, let's do that.

All right, go ahead, go.

All right, let's
get out a dime here.

Okay.

Hey, you know who that guy is?

No, who?

Chuck Barrie, the guy
who does The Gong Show.

Watch this.

I think The Gong
Shaw's the dumbest

fucking show on television,

and so is that
schmuck that does it.

Call the Cowboys.

Did you hear what he said?

Just forget it and
call the Cowboys.

Come on, it comes
with the territory.

Comes with the territory.

I'm tired of everything
coming with the territory.

Honey, they're too big!

All right, all right, look,

I'm not on the phone now, I'm
right in front of your face.

Now, talk about The Gong Show.

Go ahead, big brave guy, I
don't care how big you are.

Say something about
The Gong Show,

now tell me, say it.

Just say it.

I say, rag m0P-

Chuck Barrie, you get
down here this instant.

That's enough.

Mr. Barrie, I know
everyone asks you this,

but could my husband take a picture
with you and me together?

If you wanna, Mr. Barrie,

your friend Rag Mop can
be in the picture, too.

No pictures.

Kyle, don't take anymore
pictures until I fix my hair.

You and me together.

You get your hand off my
roommate, you big lummox.

Hey, how about one
with Chuck and his girl,

and me and my wife?

I said no pictures!

Well, if you're going
to play grab-ass, Kyle,

who's going to
take the pictures?

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

here's the host and
star of the show,

my daddy!

From Indianapolis,
Indiana, we bring you

a young man who, in my opinion,

is ready to give
up his regular job

and in no time find steady
employment as a doorstop.

♪ I'm singing in the rain

Now, a jackass.

I'd like to pose
a Biblical question:

is there life after death?

Well, father, that's
a good question.

Is there life after
death, father?

Well, son,

does a face have
a watertight ass?

Anybody want to
buy a little dog?

♪ I love it here

♪ I love

Ladies and gentlemen,

oh, come get me, come
get me, come get me.

Ladies and gentlemen,
our next performer

says that she likes swimming,

and take me away now.

I'm going crazy-

Now, let me ask
you this, Scarlet.

Well, what, Red?

What is short and
squat and limp and hot?

I don't know, Red, what is short

and squat and limp and hot?

My pecker, Scarlet.

Take that thing up.

Let's have them take that up.

Up, take that up.

Take this thing up.

Jesus.

Take this up.

Take that up, already.

And my friends,

did she despair?

Did she gnash her teeth or...

Now, the moral of the story is,

if the road to hell is
paved with good intentions,

what's the Pennsylvania
Turnpike paved with?

Craplock?

Craplock?

Craplock!

I'm a psychiatrist.

I suspect that he
is on the verge

of some sort of a breakdown.

He must see a doctor
just as soon as possible.

He said you may be
having a nervous breakdown.

Right now, I want you to
go see a doctor tomorrow.

No.

Okay, doc!

Give it to me straight.

Look, I've done a
complete physical on you,

and the only thing I
can find wrong with you,

other than a
distorted imagination,

is that you are exhausted.

And you seem pretty
worried about something.

You know, Betsy,

I think

I just don't like to do
The Gong Show anymore.

In fact,

I think I hate
doing The Gong Show.

How come?

I guess because

everybody thinks of me now

as some kind of a
clown, you know,

buffoon,

an idiot jumping around
the stage like a damn fool.

I'd just like to do
something meaningful.

Listen to me, Chuck.

It's important
that you get away,

even if it's just
for a few days, but,

if you can, try and
stay a few months.

I can't believe that Betsy,

I can't believe what
she says, you know?

But she's absolutely
right, you should go away.

Screw the shows, all they
do is give you asthma.

You know something, you
got your hand on my canipe?

- What?
- That's my canipe.

Honey, that's not a
canipe, that's a love handle.

You call it a love
handle, I call it a canipe.

Oh, come on, Bo, don't
change the subject.

What's the...

My asthma's better, listen.

Yeah, it sounds real good.

- It is.
- Listen, Betsy's right.

If you don't go
away, you're going

to have a breakdown for sure,

and spend the rest of your
life on a shrink's couch.

Fat chance that I'm going
to be on a shrink's couch.

Speaking of shrinks, this
guy goes to the shrink,

and he says, "Doctor," he says,

"I've got this
really weird problem.

"I've got this feeling
that there's this

"screw in my belly button
and there's nothing

I can do about it,
it's just there."

So, the psychiatrist says,
"Don't worry about it."

He says, "Look, tell
you what you do,

"you go home tonight, see,

"and when you get home,

"get out your tool chest
and go in your tool chest

"and get out your screwdriver,

"and when you get
your screwdriver,"

he says, "when you
get your screwdriver,

"what you gotta do

"is put the screwdriver

"right on your belly button,

"and just screw out the
screw, it'll be fine."

So the guy says, "Okay."

So about a week later,

the guy calls the
psychiatrist up,

and he says, "Doctor,

"I did just what
you said, you know?

"I went home and I
got out my screwdriver

"and I took it and I stuck
it on my belly button

"and I screwed out the
screw, I can't believe it."

And the doctor says,
the psychiatrist says,

"Everything worked
out all right,"

he says, "See, I told you."

He said, "Yeah, but
I got a problem, doc.

"My ass fell off."

That was very good, honey.

Yeah, well, I don't
tell jokes, but, you know,

I can't, I can't go away.

Oh, why not?

I got shows to do.

Oh, come on, Bo.

What about the people?

What people?

What do you mean, what people?

I mean, the
stagehands, the crew,

my staff, Gene Gene
the Dancing Machine,

Father Ed, they all have jobs.

You're not serious.

Sure, I'm serious.

You know, Bo,
you're the only one

you should care about right now.

You won't go away.

You'll never go away.

You'll just work
until you wither

up like an old string bean.

Oh, look, Red-head,
if you're looking

for me to change, forget it.

I mean, this is me, and if
I'm getting on your nerves,

I don't know, maybe we just

should split for
a while, you know?

You know, you're
becoming an itch?

And I am getting on
your nerves, aren't I?

I hate when you call me an itch.

Yes, you are getting
on my nerves.

What's happening to you
is getting on my nerves.

Well, you're getting
on my nerves, too,

and I really think
we should split.

I really do.

Well, maybe that is a good idea.

In fact, it is a good idea.

I'm moving out, I've had
enough of your looniness

and craziness to
last me a lifetime.

Really, you know, it's
over, we're finished,

history, done, in the toilet.

Oh, God, you frustrate me.

You irk me.

Besides, it hurts too much to
see you turn into such an ass.

Listen, I'll go up to the house

and get my things when
you're not around.

I want my teddy bear.

Here, take your vitamins.

And don't forget to get
your asthma shot this week,

before you start wheezing
like an old bulldog.

Listen, do yourself a
favor and call the Cowboys,

maybe they'll make
you feel better,

especially when you're in
one of your foul moods.

I'll see you around, Bo.

Hello?

Hello, Mabel?

Chuck, where are you?

Everyone is in a panic,
especially Mr. Didlo.

I don't know, I'm somewhere.

Somewhere, now what
kind of answer is that?

Why don't you know
where you are?

Are you okay?

What difference does it make?

When will you be here?

No, no, I won't be there, Mabel.

I'm going to go
away, I need some,

I need some peace of mind.

Peace of mind?

Give my love to
everybody and just

tell everybody not
to worry, all right?

Did Red call?

Not that I know of.

What do you mean
you're going away?

Do you want me to check
the answering service

to see if she called?

No, it's okay, Mabel.

BYE bye.

♪ They say if whiskey
won't kill you

♪ Then cigarettes
will do the trick

♪ They say you can't eat meat

♪ Or nothing sweet

♪ They say it's just plain
risky getting up on your feet

♪ That's why sometimes

♪ It just don't pay to get up

♪ Sometimes it just
don't pay to get up

♪ Your girlfriend splits
and leaves a note for you

♪ And your little wife finds
it and she leaves you too

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just
don't pay, like I said

♪ Sometimes it just don't pay

♪ Sometimes it just
don't pay to get up

♪ To get up, to get up

♪ Oh, yeah

That brings us to seven o'clock

out here on Radio
K-HEY Centipede.

It's gonna be another
warm one today,

so let's stay as
loose as a goose

with another big one from
Johnny Paycheck, here...

Good morning, what
can I do for you?

Can I just have a little
cup of coffee, please?

Wait a minute, I know you.

No, no, you don't, we never met.

Can I just have a
small cup of coffee?

Yeah, I do.

Listen, I don't know me,

so how are you gonna know me?

Because I watch TV!

You're Chuckie Chuck
from The Gong Show!

Hey, Myrtle!

Myrtle!

Lookie who's here!

It's Chuckie Chuck from
The Gong Show program.

You're kidding, holy shit,

the little fart from
the television show.

Hey, Myrtle, now's
the time, right?

Now, you just wait
right there, you hear?

Wait right there and
don't move a muscle.

Not a muscle.

Oh, we want to be on
The Gong Show so bad.

Now, you listen to this
and see if we ain't got

the damndest act you ever saw.

We call ourselves
the Diner Dolls.

Okay, Myrtle, let's get started.

One, two, three!

♪ Down in Arkansas

♪ They serve the cole slaw

♪ Chopped up by
better veil of straw

♪ When you're crunchin'
on a bunch of cole slaw

♪ Keeps you chewing
like a crosscut saw

♪ Exercise your jaw, baby

♪ Because the slaw is so good

♪ That you ever saw

♪ You can break no
more by one cole slaw

♪ It ain't nothing
but some cabbage raw

♪ It can't be beat

Goddammit, I can't even

get a lousy cup of coffee.

Come on, Chuckie,

did I sing something
dirty or something?

Was it something you ate?

Where you going?

Hey, I seen a lot
worse on your show,

I'll tell you that, a lot worse,

you stupid jerk.

Hey, you wouldn't
know good talent

if it fell on you.

That's it, that's
it, I'm resigning

my membership in your fan club.

We're finished, you understand?

Everything she says
goes double for me,

buddy, buddY!

I wouldn't play your
game if you paid me!

That's right!

Your attention please,

Western Airlines,
flight number 322

for San Francisco,
is now available

for boarding at
gate number five.

I've gotta find
some place to go,

where nobody will be
able to find me again.

Where should I go?

Go to Paris.

Ah, they'll find me in Paris.

Hey, Chuckie baby.

How you doing?

I'll go to Rome.

Ah, they goose you in
Rome, everybody gooses you.

I don't want to get goosed.

Go to Anchorage, that's where
I'll go, Anchorage, Alaska.

Ah, it's too cold.

Hey, aren't you that
little fella who does

that TV show, The Gong Show?

Sure, sure, you are
that guy, aren't you?

Yeah, I'm that guy.

Gee, that's a terrific show.

Can anyone get on that show,
I'd love to get on that show.

I do a great imitation
of Baryshnikov.

Umm, that's good.

Well, can I show it to you now?

I'm about to take
an airplane, okay?

Okay, I'll catch
you when you get back.

Can I help you, sir?

Where can I find the
middle of the biggest desert

in the whole world?

How about Morocco, sir?

Fine, I'll take a
one-way ticket to Morocco.

Charles.

Really, what are we doing here?

No, no, don't get UP-

Finding you is like looking
for a camel in a haystack,

pardon the mixed metaphor.

Now, Charles, all
of the stations

who canceled you want you back.

That's right, they're delighted
you had your breakdown,

or whatever the
hell it is you had,

because they know that
after a breakdown comes peace.

You are peaceful,
aren't you, Charles?

And the Red one
loves you to death,

she really does, Charles.

Take it from me, and
she wants you back, too.

And to show you there
are others who care,

who really care, I've
come with some,

pardon the expression, buddies.

Quiet, everybody!

Charles, I know this is silly,

but I've put some thoughts
of mine into a little song,

a desert song, and I'd
like to sing it to you

with a little help
from my friends.

Milton, if you please.

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy,
through and through

♪ But don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Everybody

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy
through and through

♪ But don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, just
sit and sulk and pout

♪ Try to figure out
what life's about

♪ You'll find yourself
and lose the show

♪ Not to speak of all that dough

♪ But don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Once again, everybody

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy
through and through

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, just
sit there in the sun

♪ I guess we'll never
get that album clone

♪ If you guys think
that bothers you

♪ Who's gonna listen to my...

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, Dad,
stay right where you are

♪ I guess I'll never
be a movie star

♪ Without you there
to push my ass

♪ I'll just end up pumping gas

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, just
let me say goodbye

♪ Because these ain't tears,
it's just a little dye

♪ I was a star, thanks to you

♪ I guess my dancing
days are through

♪ But don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up, just
let me have a kiss

♪ Just think of all the
fun you're gonna miss

♪ The way we gave
the censor fits

♪ Every time I
flashed my little tits

♪ Don't get up, no,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy
through and through

♪ But don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Now listen, Chuck,
what will be will be

♪ Your mind's made up,
now that is plain to see

♪ Ain't that right, mama

♪ That's right

♪ But when your
rotten clay is through

♪ Who be there to yell at you

♪ Don't get up, no,
no, don't get up for me

♪ Being out of work
ain't gonna bother us

♪ Having nothing to eat
ain't gonna cause no fuss

♪ Ain't that right, mama

♪ That's right

♪ I could use some
loss of weight

♪ But my poor mama's
going to deteriorate

♪ Don't get up, no,
no, don't get up for us

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ But if you do, I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy
through and through

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ But if you do

♪ I'm telling you

♪ You'll make me happy
through and through

♪ But

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

♪ Don't get up,
don't get up for me

What do you say, Chuckie baby?

We've got a lot of shows to do.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

here's the host and
star of the show,

my wandering roommate,
Chuck Barrie!

Here comes the Vatican Four!

♪ First you get
down on your knees

♪ Fiddle with your rosaries

♪ Bow your head
with great respect

♪ And genuflect,
genuflect, genuflect

♪ Do whatever steps you want if

♪ You have cleared
them with the pontiff

♪ And everybody say
his own kyrie eleison

♪ Doing the Vatican rag

♪ Get in line in
that processional

♪ Step into that
small confessional

♪ There, the guy
who's got religion'll

♪ Tell you if your
sin's original

♪ If it is, try playing it safer

♪ Drink the wine
and chew the wafer

♪ Two, four, six, eight

♪ Time to transubstantiate

♪ So get down upon your knees

♪ Fiddle with your rosaries

♪ Bow your head
with great respect

♪ And genuflect,
genuflect, genuflect

♪ Make a cross on your abdomen

♪ When in Rome, do like a Roman

♪ Ave Maria, gee,
it's good to see ya

♪ Getting ecstatic
and sorta dramatic and

♪ Doing the Vatican rag

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Siamese Connection!

♪ Love

♪ Love will keep us together

All right, what do you call
a Mexican with a vasectomy?

A dry Martinez!

All right, you know
what turns my stomach?

Tits on my back, yo!

You know why they
spell sex S-E-X?

Because you can't
spell, hooah, oh, hooah!

Oh, I know you're all saying,

does the Unknown
Comic do impressions?

Well, does a snake have an ass?

I don't know!

Of course I do impressions,

like to start off with
a quick impression

of an Eskimo going to
the bathroom, all right.

Do you know what this is, folks?

It's a week supply of these.

Oh, Chuckie, come here, Chuckie.

Chuckie, Chuckie,
Chuckie, Chuckie, Chuckie!

Hey, Chuckie baby,
hey, Chuckie baby,

I've got a joke for
you that's going

to make you look
like an asshole.

Oh, you already heard it!

You know what the ugliest
thing is on a girl?

No.

You!

You know the difference between

a shower curtain
and toilet paper?

No.

Here's the guy, we found him!

Hey, Chuck, Chuckie, come here.

You like sex?

Yes.

Yeah, you like traveling?

Yes.

Yeah, well, take a fucking hike.

Ladies and gentlemen, here comes

Count Bani-uh'.!

Picture, if you
will, old Vienna.

♪ Dr. Crawford, if you please

♪ Like I said

♪ That's right