All language subtitles for Abbott Elementary s02e02 Wrong Delivery.eng

And it's been almost a year, okay?

It is beyond time that
they reboot "Spider-Man" again.

Yeah, you're right.
I love it.

But who can replace
Tom Holland?

I'll tell you who--
that little magical cutie,

that Harry Potter.

-Daniel Radcliffe?
-Yeah.

He's already
in a franchise.

You can't just swing
from franchise to franchise.

Then why do I have to see
-Chris Pratt everywhere? -It's okay.

No, I want a thicc Spider-Man,
like 50 Cent.

Should be Black anyways.
Costume got a built-in durag.

Well, if they do go
with a Black actor,

I hope they go with
that Mr. Brian Austin Green.

I'm so proud of that young man
and all of his success.

Uh--
Tuh-tuh-tuh!

So, there are a bunch
of white celebrities

who Barbara thinks are Black.

Like, Brian Austin Green
would be Brian Tyree Henry.

Ooh, I see you,
little Carrie Underwood.

Good morning.

Kerry Washington.

I'm going straight home,

put on a little
Millie Bobby Brown.

Bobby Brown.

No one's done more
for Black actors

than Tommy Lee Jones.

James Earl Jones.

And we just let her
keep thinking that.

It's easier.

And if they go
with a woman,

you cannot go wrong
with the splendid,

the wonderful
Michelle Williams.

Mm-mm-mm!

Now, that is one
talented diva.

Mm, yes.
Mm-hmm.

She is arguably the third best
child of Destiny.

And all the way
to the Academy Awards

from "Dawson's Creek."

Oh, yes, Michelle. Mm.

So close.

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

♪

Summer's
supposed to be over.

Are we sure
this AC is on?

Oh, it is on, but that thing
is older than Mr. Johnson.

Yeah, and they both
have emphysema.

This is
last year's calendar.

No!

[ Coughs ]

And that is why
we had that up there.

Yeah, now put it back.
It's a load-bearing calendar.

Maybe we can use some of
the grant money to fix that.

We already decided that
we were gonna use that money

for cleaning supplies.

This school
is just filthy.

Are my ears burning?
Huh?

Mm.

You know what?

I respect Barbara and her
lil' daughter Taylor too much

to hit on you publicly.

Nice arms, though.

Me and Taylor?

Oh, um, it's-- it's fine.

It's okay.

It's a bit of
an awkward situation.

You know that saying, don't,
you know, where you eat?

They should also say, don't
do that where her mother eats.

Okay, which one of y'all ordered
this big stack

of social studies books?

Ooh! Oh, my goodness,
they're only a few years old.

Oh, my God,
they have Brexit!

And the Flint water crisis.
And "Hamilton."

These aren't for
Abbott Elementary.

They're for
Addington Elementary.

Oh, the school
down the street?

New books--
one of the perks

of turning into
a charter school.

They went charter
and went up.

From 2012 Khloé K
to 2022 Khloé K like that.

Unrecognizable.

I heard they got a lot
of good stuff over there.

Well, that building was made by
the same World War II architect

as this one,
so can't be that great.

Why don't we
walk over there

and find out for ourselves
during lunch?

Need to get my steps in,

and it's closer
to the cheesesteak spot--

another perk.

Only like a block closer,
but, yeah, let's do it.

Well, y'all have fun.

I'll be here at work, working.

What? My followers aren't
gonna influence themselves.

Ooh,
do y'all feel that?

That is some good AC.

They got a young
Mr. Johnson.

W--
Hi.

These walls,
the paint's not chipped.

-And they have color.
-Do you smell that?

I don't smell anything.

Exactly.

[ Chuckles ]
You know what? No.

Guys, it's not
that great here.

I mean, look,
the ceilings are smooth.

Isn't that
what floors are for?

Because they
don't have asbestos.

Ah, they cheaped out
on asbestos.

Look, Janine, the school's
just better, alright?

You don't have to lie about it.
The cops ain't askin'.

- Hey!
- Tina!

Oh, what?

That's Ms. Schwartz,
the teacher you replaced.

The one
who kicked a student?

Oh, I don't do that anymore.
[ Laughs ]

Because of therapy
and anger management.

Also, at a charter school,

there's a lot less oversight
in the hiring process,

so it's been
pretty sweet.

Well, sweetheart,
it's good to see you,

and the school
is wonderful.

Yeah.
Are those my books?

Oh, yeah.
Ohh!

I've been kicking myself
for losing them.

[ Laughter ]

Something funny?

No.

You guys want
a little tour?

Yes.
Okay, so...

this is
the language lab.

The kids are currently
learning French.

Bonjour!

Together: Bonjour!

Aww!
Ohh.

Yeah. Over there are our
restrooms, which are awesome

because the baños
don't attack you here.

Oh, I fixed
that toilet, so... Okay.

Uh, the music teacher comes
♪ twice a week

♪ Abbott's comes twice a week,
as well ♪

-Just lying.
-I--

And this little diddly
is our computer lab.[ Gasps ]

You know, the kids love it,
and it's improved

reading scores
just across the board.

Is that Mavis Beacon?

Yeah, this place is the best.
[ Chuckles ]

We did have a little
mice problem,

but we called people to humanely
get rid of them, so...

Instead of chasing them
with sticks, you know?

[ Chuckles awkwardly ]
That's so great.

It really is great!

-It's so great here!
-It's really great at Abbott, too!

Oh, hey, Kya, you gagootz,
keep it movin'!

[ Scoffs ]

Okay, come on.

Let's get out of here,
come on.

Melissa,
that's-- that's like

your charter school doppelganger.

I said let's go!

Um...

Open your ears,
listen with your minds.

Assuming everybody here
has seen "Pocahontas,"

the original "Avatar."

Really?[ Knock on door ]

Oh, class,
this is Mr. Eddie.

This is the guy
I was telling you about.

What have you
been telling them?

N-Never mind.
Can I talk to you for a minute?

Okay, everyone,
give a couple besties

a moment to, uh,
flap the gums.

Whoa!
You look hot.

Warm.
Y-You're sweating.

Yeah, my classroom
is sweltering,

and I can't remember the way
Barbara showed us

how to open up
the windows.

How do you
do that again?

Oh, well, I am flattered
you thought to ask me first,

but that's definitely
more of a Barbara question.

That's what
Janine said.

Oh, so I wasn't first.

You know, it's fine.

Sweating is good
for the students.

It stimulates the brain.

Wait, wait. Why aren't you
just asking Barbara?

Is there something else
going on?

-Don't worry about it.
-Okay, but I will worry about it,

you know,
and every time I see you,

I'll be thinking about it
and want to talk about it.

Okay, fine, look,
I'm avoiding Barbara right now

because things with Taylor
aren't going... great, okay?

We're not meshing, and I'll
talk to Barbara eventually.

I just have to figure out a plan
for this whole Taylor situation.

Girl problems,
young blood?

I cannot relate.

I have to go.

-Hmm?
-Students: Eh.

Ooh, I didn't know
Jazz Band was a color.

Abbott is my home,
and I take pride in it,

so I've decided to brighten up
the place myself.

And it'll be as good
as anywhere else.

Addington who?

Ms. Teagues is pleased.

[ Applause ]
Yeah!

Yeah, we're gonna
go Jazz Band.

I think that's a real reflection
of our room, right?

You play bass.

Uh, what do you think
you're doing?

Oh, um, just sprucing up
the place.

That charter school
had that fresh coat of paint,

so if we just--We're not Addington.

We're an actual public school,
and you can't paint the walls.

Classroom decor is set
by the Philadelphia Department

of Education, Animal Shelters,
and Traffic.

Well--
Trust me, the blue looks worse.

My brother gets to go
to Addington.

They take a field trip
every month.

Is it true that they
have a computer lab?

Yep, and you can
Google stuff.

Dang.

[ Door opens ][ Breathing heavily ]

I know how we can spend
the grant money.

Janine, didn't you get
your breathing checked over the summer?

We already agreed we're
spending it on baby wipes

and cleaning supplies.

Look, I know it's not sexy, but
we just need the basics here.

But the basics
aren't good enough.

These kids
need to be uplifted.

We can turn the library
into a computer lab.

Get a bunch
of computers--

You mean computer.
The "S" makes it expensive.

Fine. Computer
for the library.

We don't even have a librarian
for the library.

It would be nice to get
some plants for the classrooms.

Or some air freshener.

-A computer.
-Why are we even debating this?

I can't believe you don't want
to do more for our kids.

That's not what it's about, Janine.

Then what is it about?

Look, we should not
be competing with any school.

We should be doing our best
for this one.

Yeah, no,
I'm not saying-- Yeah.[ Indistinct talking ]

Sounds like y'all got
some different ideas

about the grant money.

We need to come up with a fair
and responsible way

to figure out what to do
with the rest of that cash.

- Dear God.
- Like what?

The only tried-and-true way

that any sound
financial decisions are made.

Y'all ever seen
"Shark Tank"?

[ Humming
"Shark Tank" theme ]

Ah, all dressed up for your
big dip in the Shark Tank today?

What? No.

I got to go
to court later

for throwing a corn cob
at Ben Simmons.

Wait, so you're not gonna
make a presentation?

No! I'm not gonna
humiliate myself,

and I don't know
anybody else who would, either.

I stayed up all night
making my presentation.

Of course you did.

I'm gonna win
that grant money

and turn Abbott into a
crown jewel of the neighborhood.

Crown jewel?

It'll be us and that corner
store that still sells loosies.

You know, in the end times,
it's just gonna be cockroaches

roaming the empty streets
and Janine holding up a sign

that says
"Turn that frown upside down."

Whoa,
that was awkward.

Hey, I hope
whatever's going on

with you and Taylor
can be fixed.

Unfortunately,
I don't think so.

I cannot do another dinner
at a restaurant

that does small plates
with a unique flare.

Small plates?

Oh, you have to break up.

Just call her right now,
rip off the Band-Aid.

Normally I would, but
I don't think I can be the one to end this one.

If I hurt Taylor,
I hurt Barbara.

You best not
go hurtin' Barbara.

-You want my advice?
-No.

Mail a certified letter
telling her you got drafted.

Or you could just
let it peter out.

What do you mean,
peter out?

You can't ghost.
That's too harsh.

But petering is gentle.
It's nice.

I've-- I've done it
a bunch of times.

You just stop using
exclamation points, okay?

You start taking a few hours
to respond,

and then, you know,
before you know it,

it's been a few weeks since
you've gotten a text that says,

"Good morning,
handsome."

It's risky,
but it could work.

And you probably won't
get your tires slashed.

You ever heard
of Martha and the Vandellas?

Well, I dumped Martha,
but I'm pretty sure

the Vandellas
vandalized my car.

I would like to not have
my tires slashed, so...

Thanks for being here, Courtney.

I think of you
like a young me.

I think of you
like an old me.

This ain't "A Star Is Born."
I'll shut your tiny ass down.

Let's get going.

There's dust bunnies
in the gym with my name on it.

[ "Shark Tank"
theme music plays]

♪

Shanae:
Hello, Sharks.

You all know me
as the Lunch Lady.

'Cause none of you had
the decency to ask my name.

Yes, continue,
Lunch Lady.

My name is Shanae.

And I'm looking for
a 100% investment

of the grant money
for our kitchen.

We need cutlery, a bunch
of tongs, and hair nets,

'cause I know y'all are tired
of stray hair in your food.

I thought that was
a new kind of soup.

Ava: Thank you for
your presentation,

but I don't see
how any of this

benefits me personally
in any way,

and for that reason,
I am out.

-Hey, Ava.
-Do you work here?

For nine years!

Damn, this is embarrassing--
for you.

You should really try
to stand out more.

[ Sighs ]

I haven't been impressed
with the pitches so far.

They're trash.

It's like they don't
even want it.

Can't believe I get
to miss class for this.

Okay, who's next?

Oh, thank God.

I thought you had
some kind of twin janitor.

-That was freaky.
-Hello, Sharks.

My name is Mr. Johnson,
and I'm here to pitch you

on janitorial work
in the 21st century.

Behold.

Okay.

With 100%
of that grant money,

I could become
the 007 of janitors,

Agent 409.

Welcome to the Tank.
What do you have for us?

Uh, we're just here
to retrieve some books.

'Cause this is, you know,
a library.

You both are annoying me,
and for that reason, I'm out.

We don't want
to be in!

Nevertheless, it's a no.

And that is why I'm seeking
the entire sum of the grant

so that we can grant...

our kids a brighter future.

Thank you.
[ Chuckles ]

No.
No?

I don't know.
It's a bit much.

But a bit much
is kind of my brand.

I know, but I think
it'll be more effective

if we limit the theatrics
and just keep it grounded.

See, that is why
I came to you.

Because Jacob just would've
lied to my face

and told me
it was amazing.

Man, see, you're such an honest,
straight-up guy.

You're right.

I am straight up.
And honest.

It's kind of my brand.

Well, it's not really
your brand.

Yeah, it is.

See?

Okay, then.
Well, I'm going shark diving.

Wish me luck.

So, if I get
the seed money,

I'll be able to have my
water ice truck all year round.

What does this have to do
with the school?

This about the school?

I thought y'all was
just giving out money.

Get out.

Courtney:
He's got my vote.

It's so hot, I could really go
for a water ice right now.

Oh, we don't take bribes--

that aren't in
the form of money.

Hi, Sharks. I'm Janine Teagues
from Philadelphia.

Girl, we already know
who you are.

Get to it.

See? This is why I was bored
in her class.

Today I am seeking an investment
of the full grant

to brighten
and better our school.

I'm talking computer...

the gateway to the future.

One second.

Gregory was right.
This was too much.

Ava: Let's go
to commercial break.

I'm reserving judgment till
you can answer this question.

You got one
in my size?

I do!

T-shirt,
T-shirt, T-shirt.

So you want us to look
just as dorky as you.

A lot of our kids don't have
access to the Internet at home.

Plus, I believe
this will boost morale,

which positively
affects learning,

according to
certain studies.

Are those
peer reviewed?

I prefer the pitch
Mr. Johnson gave.

Look, we can prove that
we're not just as good

as any charter school,

we're better!

Stay tuned and find out
who we'll be making a deal with

after this next break.

Who are you talking to?

This is always
my favorite part,

when we let the losers
know who they are.

Yeah.
Sorry, Mr. Hill.

What?
I didn't even pitch.

Because morale
is important,

and because I got outvoted
two to one,

the winner is...

Janine.

Wait. Wait a minute.
I'm Janine.

Wait, I won?
Oh, my gosh, this feels amazing.

I usually only get this feeling
watching movies.

Ugh.

Congrats, girl.

You're getting
your computer.

-Student: Aah!
-What is that?

You guys got to see
what's in the cafeteria!

[ Students screaming ]

Hello, friend.

For real?

This is why
we need new tongs.

The mice are just slipping
through the old ones.

[ Gasping ]

Don't worry.
I figured out the problem.

W-W-What is it,
Mr. Johnson?

There's a bunch of mice
runnin' around.

We know that,
Mr. Johnson!

Oh.

You're up to speed, then.

Melissa: I don't know.
We'll just-- Here he is.

Seems that when they chased the
mice from that charter school,

they roamed the streets looking
for somewhere else to go.

Abbott was
the most delicious.

Congrats, Janine.

I guess Abbott is better
than Addington at something.

Well, can you get rid of them
or not?

This job is too big
for one Mr. Johnson.

Oh, exterminators
are expensive.

Melissa: The grant money.

Yeah, I don't really think
we got a choice.

No.

But I won.

Well, sorry, hon.
Abbott is undefeated.

[ Window rattling ]

Oh, uh, Mrs. Howard.

Can you please help me
with this window?

Oh, sure.

They don't call me the
Window Whisperer for nothing.

Alright.

Okay, now, press directly here
and release the pressure.

[ Grunts ]
Ah, there you go.

That all?

Um, no, actually,
it's not.

I don't know why I avoided it
for so long.

I'm not a peter-out kind of guy.

I'm happy Janine
reminded me of that.

I actually wanted to talk to you
about something.

[ Sighs ] And I wanted
to talk to you, too.

I just want to say
I'm sorry

things didn't work out
between you and Taylor.

Oh!

Oh, don't tell me
-I'm breaking the news. -Uh...

Ooh!
I told that child,

"You have got to be
straightforward."

Petering out is
just not of the Lord.

Mnh-mnh!

Wait, so she was
petering out on me?

Do you know why?

Well, I think she said
you a "broke bwah."

I think she's saying
I'm a broke boi.

Oh.

No.

I can't believe we have rats
in this school.

Well, they're actually mice,
which are better than rats

'cause they're
less intrusive.

This lady trying to put
a positive spin on rats.

Don't get it twisted.
This is a mouse house now.

Look.

Barbara and I weren't
trying to be mean.

It's just the kind of stuff
we got to deal with around here.

And that's why,
when we can get anything,

we just want the basics.

No, I get it.
I do.

You know, I just saw Addington
and freaked.

Just wanted to get
something special for Abbott

so that we don't feel
like an afterthought.

-Mm.
-Wanted us to feel just as good,

even though maybe
that just isn't true.

And now it looks like we won't
be getting any of that stuff.

Yeah, even if I can cut a deal
with the rat guy,

we're only gonna have
like 350 bucks left.

Yep.
Okay, let's just get wipes.

There you go. Yeah.

The kids don't need
to feel special.

Well, if that's
all you want,

I can make somebody feel special
for less than $350.

Ava, I've said I do not want
to go to a strip club with you.

That wasn't an invitation, girl.
I just needed some ones.

And lots of 'em.
[ Laughs ]

But, no,
I have another idea.

Thank you, Sharks,
for this one-time cash infusion.

This is awesome!

Abbott for the win!

Whoa,
they got water ice?

That's right.
Water ice at Abbott.

Keep it moving.

What do you have,
a computer lab?

Dweebs.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, you heard
the baby shark.

Keep it movin', and quit staring
us down with that lazy eye.

Who you think
you're talkin' to?

A woman with Jersey mall hair
and too much makeup.

Now take that sfigato ass
down the street.

Oh.

Melissa!

I don't even know
what "sfigato" means

and I know
that was too much.

It's a very small
cup of coffee.

That's not even close,
and I can say whatever I want

to my stupid sister.

Sister? As in the woman
that works at the other school?

You have the same mom?
Y-Your sister?

Yeah, yeah, good, you know
what having a sister means.

Glad you're making good use
of that Penn education.

Wait--And, no, I'm not saying
another word about this.

Well, um, hey,
you got to hand it to Ava.

This is--
-This is a blast. -Yeah.

And it is so good that the kids
can feel special today.

Oh, are you saying
that I was right, Barbara?

Uh... no.

[ Sighs ]
Oh, this is so fun.

-Yeah.
-I just wish Gregory could enjoy it.

What's wrong
with Gregory?

Well, you didn't
hear it from me,

but I think he and Taylor
are on the outs.

That's too bad.

Yeah.

Hey, Devin,
can I get a piña colada?

Hey.
Hey.

You okay?

I will be.

Thank you.

You are so welcome.

You're all welcome!

I really killed that today.

Kids happy, Janine quiet,
Gregory fine.

I feel like I got
a real knack for this,

like I could be president
or maybe even mayor of a school.

What would you call that?

How's that
petering out going?

Well, it turns out that Taylor
was actually petering out on me.

Whoa, she petered?

That's amazing.

How is that amazing?

Because, man, that's what
people used to do to me.

Huh? Just one more thing
we have in common.

Don't take it so hard.

Everybody gets dumped.

If it can happen
to Michael B. Jordan,

it can happen to you.

Now, that white boy
sure can act.

Ooh! I love those
"Back to the Future" movies.

Together:
Michael J. Fox.

Hmm?

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