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1
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:05,480
MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES
2
00:00:05,480 --> 00:00:08,560
HE GRUNTS
3
00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:10,120
SHE GRUNTS
4
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:11,560
HE GRUNTS
5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:14,080
MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES
HE GRUNTS
6
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,240
HE GRUNTS
7
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,360
GRUNTS
8
00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:24,880
MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES
9
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:32,920
SHE GRUNTS
10
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,320
WOMAN: Tea.
11
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:39,560
MAN: Tea.
12
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,360
Tea, Dan.
13
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,800
MUMBLING: Tea. Tea, Dan.
14
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,840
Tea, Dan.
15
00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,280
Tea, Dan.
16
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:53,840
Tea, Dan!
17
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:54,880
Get the tea.
18
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,240
SHE MUTTERS
19
00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:01,360
MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES FAINTLY
20
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:11,440
MUSIC: Egypt Strut by Salah Ragab
and the Cairo Jazz Band
21
00:01:37,520 --> 00:01:38,840
Oh, well done.
22
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:41,000
You've eaten every single
crumb of nice in the flat.
23
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:42,600
I'll have to go down to
the Evil Forest.
24
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,400
Oh, no way. That deli with all
the bulging shit and the jumpers
25
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,440
and those awful women.
Three quid for a lemon?
26
00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,880
No way.
But they have all the nice things.
27
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,440
And it's Saturday.
28
00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:53,440
Why am I even justifying this?
29
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,120
I'm a hard-working princess
30
00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,880
and you've eaten all my sugar plums.
Boo hoo, Your HO-ness.
31
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,200
I don't even know why I'm talking
to you anyway, maniac,
32
00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:01,640
I landed on my face.
33
00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,040
Yeah, lucky you slept through.
34
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,880
I spiral-fractured about
18 of my fingers.
35
00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:09,080
I barely manage my bowl
of Tosty Frots...Frosty Tots.
36
00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,280
Bowls, three, big ones.
37
00:02:12,280 --> 00:02:14,760
Which one was the toughest?
38
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,760
Oh, no, have I got mansoobs?
39
00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,640
Oh, lefty's looking very chunky.
40
00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:19,880
Don't even say that.
41
00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,800
IN ROUGH COCKNEY:
Whoa, fucking hell, whoa.
42
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,680
Bleurgh! Oh, come on.
43
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:26,120
Let's get you all spaffed up
downtown.
44
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,000
Heh-heh.
Got to keep you pretty, boy.
45
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,760
NORMAL VOICE: Yay, OK, let's go
get you a magic expandable bra.
46
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,920
Then we can walk to
the forest and protect you
47
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,200
from the wicked sisters.
48
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:35,840
No, we don't even need anything.
49
00:02:35,840 --> 00:02:38,480
Yeah, I know, but that's the whole
point. Don't you get it?
50
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,000
I want stuff we don't need.
51
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,600
It's about pleasure.
It's about living, Dan.
52
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,160
My moobs and I are getting into
a hole in the ground.
53
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,680
Oh, come on.
I hate going down there on my own.
54
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,960
The way they sort of hover
and pounce like lame spiders.
55
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,480
If you are going down to
the Magic Forest...
56
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,080
Yeah, don't shag the walls.
57
00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,200
We're actually out of Frosty Tots.
58
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,440
Do you mind not smelling the jars?
59
00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:09,960
Thank you so much.
60
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,240
Sorry, I was, erm...
61
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,200
..just looking for lentils.
62
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,240
Lentils? What else?
63
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:17,600
That way.
64
00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:20,680
Rather obviously beside
all the other dried goods.
65
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,600
Yeah, you'd know more about
dried goods, wouldn't you,
66
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,520
you stupid old bint...
Carla.
67
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,640
THEY SCREAM
68
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:36,680
Oh, my God!
69
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,200
Oh!
70
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,280
So good to see you.
71
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,880
How are you?
I'm really good. How are you?
72
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,480
I'm really good, thank you.
73
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,120
THEY CACKLE HAPPILY
74
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,800
Oh, my God!
75
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:53,520
That is actually
the last one we have.
76
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,040
Any better at all?
77
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,920
Have you got anything tighter?
78
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:10,320
Maybe my yayas could
ping out when I say hi.
79
00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,120
I'll go and check.
80
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:17,720
One pieces, anything, talk to me.
81
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,320
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
82
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,120
Hey. Where are you?
You said you were hiding.
83
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:27,160
I had to go and find clothes
for the larger-cupped man.
84
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,480
Hey, let's become bakers
and wear dungarees.
85
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,240
You'll never believe
who I just ran into. Who?
86
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,040
Good, bad, we're moving?
87
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,920
One of my very,
very oldest and dearest...
88
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,440
Oh, an ex?
89
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,080
Yeah, how'd you guess?
90
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,880
They always get a good intro.
91
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,480
Who is it this time?
92
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,280
The wrestling chef?
93
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,360
The drumming surgeon? SHE SNICKERS
94
00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,040
Or the twins from the sawmill?
95
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,840
Raul only wrestled part time.
Weak thumbs.
96
00:04:50,840 --> 00:04:52,440
Maya's the singer.
97
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,360
We've going full evil here,
by the way.
98
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:56,600
We've got loads from
the fridges of bitches.
99
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,320
You coming back for lunch or what?
100
00:04:58,320 --> 00:04:59,640
MAYA: Running a bath, OK?
101
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,440
Come and get your bubbles.
102
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,320
I'm coming. I'm coming.
103
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:04,800
Bye, Sam!
104
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,440
No rush, all right?
Oh, can you get some bread? Bye.
105
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,680
Fuck, I'm definitely coming.
106
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,720
Oh, my God, my robe.
107
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,360
That is mine. That is my robe.
108
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,400
I've been looking
for that for years.
109
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,240
And my green snake ring.
110
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,840
OK, right,
the robe was sort of mine.
111
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,240
But because you're cheeky,
I'll let you have the ring.
112
00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:26,520
They're both mine.
113
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:28,040
No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
114
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:30,080
HE SIGHS
115
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,200
What's your secret, pal?
116
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,360
I'm thrilled it's cancelled,
to be honest.
117
00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:43,760
My throat is wrecked. Yeah?
118
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:46,040
Burning the candle, I guess.
119
00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:49,200
But I've still got free
festival bollocks. Mm. Yeah.
120
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,200
Got a pair of wellies.. Hello.
121
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,440
..and some face paint.
122
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,880
I heard somewhere guests
bring chocolate or wine.
123
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,160
How about weed?
124
00:05:58,160 --> 00:05:59,240
Oh!
125
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,200
Oh, my God, I haven't had
weed in ages, mate.
126
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,240
Oh!
127
00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,440
I got to say, babes,
128
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:08,720
you are looking good.
129
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:11,720
You gargling moonlight,
or what?
130
00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:13,560
You happy with your lot?
131
00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,640
All this, you know, you and Pat?
132
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:17,880
Dan.
133
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:21,120
Um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not all the time, obviously.
134
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,720
Do you have delight in your life?
135
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,320
Oh, stop.
136
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,080
How's Noddy?
137
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:29,480
Nellie, who keeps talking
about us getting married.
138
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,160
Yeah? Yeah.
139
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,560
Apparently, that's
what we really want.
140
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,360
When did you marry Jack?
141
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,200
Dan.
142
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,440
Uh, no, not.
143
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,600
No rings of any kind.
144
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:45,000
Hmm, I thought maybe you could,
uh, give me some advice.
145
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:47,040
How long you two been together?
146
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,560
A while-ish.
147
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,560
Well, uh, not that long,
but, yeah, a bit, a bit, yeah.
148
00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:53,200
Sounds good.
149
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,920
DOOR OPENS Hello, I'm home.
150
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:55,960
Oh.
151
00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:58,960
I wrote a song about you.
152
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,840
Yeah? I wrote a few, actually,
they just came out of me.
153
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,200
I might send you one.
154
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,720
You'll send all of them.
155
00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,480
Yeah, I will.
156
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:12,840
Goddamn.
Noah's going to need a bigger boat.
157
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,680
I got us kurvival sits.
158
00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,760
I mean, survival kits.
159
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,120
I keep doing that.
160
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,440
Oh. Oh, hello.
161
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,400
Hi. How's it going?
162
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:24,960
Hey. Hey. Hi.
163
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,160
You could use a towel.
164
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,960
Thank you. Thank you.
165
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,320
Hey. So you're the singer.
166
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,720
Dan used to write jingles for ads.
Did you get any bread?
167
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,240
I'm a musician.
168
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,240
No. Mm-hm.
169
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,160
What is that? It's... Hey.
Isn't it perfect for you?
170
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,480
Look. For me?
171
00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,000
Yeah. Look at that.
172
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,200
Seven days a week,
I will be not wearing that.
173
00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:46,520
You're insane.
174
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:48,520
Come on. Seriously?
I thought that would be...
175
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,240
Maya, no?
176
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,600
I mean, it, it,
it looks good on you.
177
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:54,640
CARLA CHUCKLES
178
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,360
Um, come and help me with lunch,
Inspector?
179
00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,000
IN FILM NOIR DETECTIVE VOICE:
The dead body's in the library.
180
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,040
It was me. SHE CHUCKLES, HE FAKE LAUGHS
181
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:03,600
I knew that.
182
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,000
How?
183
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,480
IN DETECTIVE VOICE: You had a bath.
184
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,040
Oh, you got me.
185
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,040
I'm going to hide out in the hills.
SHE CHUCKLES
186
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,200
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY Need a coat?
187
00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:16,360
I'll put it there.
188
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,320
So this is a Greek salad.
189
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,800
Sorry. Lovely Greek salad.
190
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,240
This, here, is a delicious dip.
191
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,360
It's just a bit of hummus.
Just a bit of hummus,
192
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:29,400
you're getting this.
193
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,640
Very, very...
194
00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,440
..chewy dip.
195
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:35,160
You can fuck off.
196
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,440
Very nice. Really nice. Really good.
197
00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:42,720
And them, there, uh,
are frightening, frankly.
198
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,240
Explain to me,
199
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,440
what is the bit between
the beetroot and the lettuce?
200
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:48,120
That's peas and walnuts.
201
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,360
Why? Because we have peas.
202
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,080
Had.
203
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,960
Now they live in there,
with walnuts.
204
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,880
Hello, you're fucking delicious.
205
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,000
I love you guys.
This one is moving.
206
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,200
LAUGHING: That one's trying to
eat the other one.
207
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,760
No wonder, they're all delicious.
208
00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:04,360
More delicious than each other.
Maya.
209
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,600
Ah, no, I'd better get going.
210
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,200
I've got to get to
Liverpool tomorrow, so...
211
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,560
This has been so lovely.
212
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,680
It's been really lovely. Hm.
213
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:15,000
Um...
214
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,480
Cheeky spliff?
215
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,800
Mm, uh, yeah, sure.
216
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,400
Wow, yeah.
217
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,440
Fuck, yeah.
218
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,000
I really like Maya.
219
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,520
She was super cool.
220
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,040
Your best ex yet.
221
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,640
No shit?
You only her five times.
222
00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,560
Shit, did I?
223
00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,120
Wow, their shit is the shit.
224
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,320
WHISPERS: We have cucumbers.
225
00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,000
We came in here to steal
something good. Shut up.
226
00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,760
The point is I'm thieving.
227
00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:01,600
Why aren't you?
228
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,960
SHE GASPS Oh, look, posh honey.
229
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:11,640
Poor little inbred bees,
all flying off the wrong directions.
230
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,720
Go and get those cute pineapples.
231
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:23,120
If they see us, we're going to go
to delicatessen jail.
232
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,880
They'll beat us with the rhubarb
and make us eat the wiggly things.
233
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,720
Oh, shut up,
what have you got so far?
234
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,240
SHE SCOFFS Rubbish.
235
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,160
I bet you're wearing, like,
ten pairs of knickers.
236
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:06,200
You're not even naked, are you?
Cheat.
237
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,760
I am, apart from the usual plasters,
238
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,400
100% naked and nude in here.
239
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,840
Could be a fib.
240
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,520
Guess not.
241
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,000
Can I get that back now?
242
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,400
Or otherwise we might have
a situ-nario.
243
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,480
Promise to put the top
on the toothpaste?
244
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,160
Is that your innuendo?
245
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,240
Time was you had standards.
246
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,360
Did I? When?
247
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:33,240
No, I lied.
248
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,920
MUSIC: Felony by The Allergies
249
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:41,320
# I thought loving you was a felony
250
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,560
# Was a felony, felony, felony
251
00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:49,360
# Lying next to you
252
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:51,440
# Forget the world outside
253
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:54,800
# You... #
254
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:56,600
You look rather lost.
255
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,800
What exactly is it you two want?
256
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,000
Perhaps we'll just call the police.
257
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,480
We are the police.
258
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:03,760
Fire squad.
259
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,320
Freeze.
260
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,800
You're wearing Wellington boots.
261
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,800
They're special radio boots, FYI.
262
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,080
We've been watching you
for years in our radio boots.
263
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:13,400
You -
264
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,800
you were in here earlier.
265
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,160
Get back.
That was for surveillance snacks.
266
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,880
Get back or a Taser comes.
267
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,440
We've seen the gherkins.
268
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,240
We know where you keep
the Dove paste.
269
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,520
You think you're so clever
with your little nibbly sponges,
270
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,480
you motherfuckers?
271
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,480
I'm actually going to call
the station now.
272
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,600
The police will have
a lot of questions.
273
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:32,960
Yeah? Not as many as us.
274
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,480
And we know who to ask.
275
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,960
This is Alfonso here,
our main undercover guy.
276
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:38,480
Yeah. What do you say, Alfonso?
277
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,520
He's been watching your shit
a long time. Yeah.
278
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,440
Oh. Oh, he says you're fucked.
279
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,360
So you better get your story
straight.
280
00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,800
Straight.
281
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,320
Better match.
They better match up, lady.
282
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,040
Nobody move.
18191
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