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This programme contains
strong language
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Would you describe your...
I'll fix it. I will.
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Yeah, and I'll burst into flames.
4
00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:10,120
Would you describe your
relationship as stable, exciting...
5
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:12,880
Agony. These quizzes are for
chumps who don't know
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00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,560
they're chumps doing quizzes.
7
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We got this.
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"The Hayden Quiz." That thing is
straight off your desk, isn't it?
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00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:23,680
Yeah, but it's spooky
accurate about who you are.
10
00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:25,360
These Californians
we're working with,
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it's like really clever shit.
12
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,840
Come on. Who are we?
13
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What do we want?
Why do we never have any fun?
14
00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,520
These questions are weird.
Who's more trusting?
15
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,360
That's you, cos you know
nothing about the real world.
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Thank you.
17
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:38,840
What's that?
18
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:40,080
Who's more realistic?
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Well, that's me. I win that point.
20
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:43,840
No-one wins.
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Why so competitive?
22
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Right on.
23
00:00:47,080 --> 00:00:49,360
Genes, family, some other losers.
24
00:00:49,360 --> 00:00:51,760
And realistic, without me,
you'd be in jail.
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I am in jail.
26
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:54,960
I mean, I'm not blaming you, Dan,
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but you did make us buy this flat,
now it's worth half of fuck all.
28
00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,600
Why don't you ask
your brother for a loan?
29
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:02,920
At least you don't blame me.
30
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Hey, look, we're doing it.
31
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The plan is the plan.
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The plan, that's
the beauty of the plan.
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We're going to get out of here.
We're going to get our own place.
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We're going to have a family.
We're on track.
35
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,120
So you wouldn't ask him?
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00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,600
I'm not asking Declan for anything.
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But he'd help, though, wouldn't he?
38
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Yeah, he's my brother.
39
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,480
But you're not going to ask?
40
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No. He's my brother.
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00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,000
Yeah, of course. I only know
the world is real because
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00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:35,680
you still haven't
fixed my bedside cabinet.
43
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I will do it.
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00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,080
Oh, here's a big one.
45
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,120
Dog or cat?
46
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:45,960
We both know if either
of us ever wanted a cat,
47
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,640
it would all be over.
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I know even in a fur coat
and everything.
49
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,560
But the way they look at you,
50
00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:54,720
it's like they know something.
51
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,120
They know you have a can opener.
52
00:01:58,120 --> 00:01:59,720
SHE SIGHS AND MUSIC PLAYS
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Like a proper nightmare.
54
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Thunderstorms, snarling tigers.
55
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After folding your wings,
you became a huge shock,
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00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,400
obviously, a dictator
with two moustaches.
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There's no room.
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00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,720
Look, it was under your penis.
59
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,040
You're a winged
dictator with a dick-tache.
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00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:50,360
You want to meet later
at that nice coffee joint?
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I can't. Crazy busy.
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We're through the roof.
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So much anxiety.
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00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:57,480
Everyone's fucking losing it.
65
00:02:57,480 --> 00:03:01,000
People come in now saying,
"Fuck, I can't feel my head."
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It's great for business.
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00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,920
Mm, and I've got to finish
that quiz later.
68
00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,560
It'll give me something to laugh
about when Joy and Kurt get here.
69
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,800
You didn't invite Joy and
Kurt round this weekend.
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00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,200
You didn't do that! You didn't!
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They're just dropping in for a bit.
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Oh, no.
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Spiritual growth, and energy eggs,
and chakras and...
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00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:21,640
Oh... Yes, we know your views.
75
00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,320
Thank you for re-re-resharing.
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00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,880
It's just a really quick
kind of casual chat.
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You can't have
a casual chat with Kurt.
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00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,800
The man is a bonfire.
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00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,440
He helps a lot of people!
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What, shit themselves?
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Fix their lives!
82
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:37,200
Look, he's got five
million followers now.
83
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,960
Five million?!
84
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,240
What? Yeah.
85
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Jesus. Joy is always accidentally
bending his spoons.
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00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:47,760
He is a spoon,
lodged in a rub of merde.
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00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,480
My lipstick. Oh, but you do it!
88
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,120
Go on, you just come
over and sit on me?
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00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,280
Yeah.
90
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,920
I just waxed my moustache.
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00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,480
Did you get some toast?
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Mm, a little bit.
93
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,400
See you later, knobber.
94
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:06,480
Yeah.
95
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,600
Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.
96
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,120
Ooh! Sorry. Stupid suit.
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Have a good one.
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00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,400
You're serious?
99
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,640
Fight that fight.
100
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,160
I'm a sausage!
101
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,200
Hey, Mickey.
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Got a great hook
for that burger song.
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It's killer.
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# I'll be chicken
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# I ain't fooling
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# I'll be chicken
you'll be drooling. #
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And then it goes into
this chorus thing, which is...
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What is this shit?
109
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They just told me
it's already printed.
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You didn't even run it by me, Dan.
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00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,440
Why does the chicken have nipples?
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00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:45,480
Hey?
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And neck tattoos.
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"Be drooling"? Really?
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You said you wanted something zippy.
Yeah, I wanted something zippy.
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This is...
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..ba-fucked!
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I don't have the time
now to redo all this.
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All right, all right. Time. Time.
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He's at dinner.
Then he clocks his friends.
121
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We have a clock in the background
going ding,
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00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,760
he clocks his friends.
And we go, "Hello...
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00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,160
"..it's chicken time."
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What? No, no, no.
125
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You kept giving us duds, mate.
You didn't get it.
126
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There's new owners.
It's a whole new deal around here.
127
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And you really pissed them off.
128
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,680
I couldn't protect you.
129
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,760
You're talking in
the past tense, Mickey.
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00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,560
Did somebody buy us?
Yeah, Susan Fortuna.
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Huge outfit.
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They hate you.
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Don't take it personally.
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Am I dreaming?
135
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,160
Everybody loves sausage fountain,
especially you.
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00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,440
Sausage fountain was such
a long time ago now, Dan,
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00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,160
and I told you before,
you can't keep pulling these stunts.
138
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You have to run
the work past checks. Yeah?
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Also, you're old.
140
00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,360
Sorry.
141
00:05:45,360 --> 00:05:46,400
Here.
142
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What's that?
143
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Is that my severance?
144
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,560
After everything I've done?
145
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Jealousy.
146
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That's what this is!
147
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Where was your sausage fountain,
Mickey?
148
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Where was your Colonel Marmalade?
149
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,480
Where was your baked bean militia?
150
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,640
You've got to come to dinner
when the Americans are here.
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OK? Just in case they're weird.
152
00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,360
I mean, their emails are fine,
but for all I know,
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00:06:21,360 --> 00:06:24,120
they have the personal
warmth of a coroner.
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I'd love to.
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Because this Hayden Quiz
really works.
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I know. I mean, we're
totally booked out, like,
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meditation, breathing, everything.
158
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,520
So, as...
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..as a little bonus. What is it?
160
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:40,920
That's my mum's place
in the country.
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I mean, it's just a shack,
but, hey, it's in the woods.
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Oh, my God.
I've been dreaming of the woods.
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Well, take a week there,
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when we're a bit less busy,
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like 3050.
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What do you actually do there?
167
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Oh, it's nice.
168
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We normally go there when
we fight. Well, one goes,
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the other inevitably follows.
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Usually me, cos I'm tragic.
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You're not tragic.
Oh, I'm fucking tragic.
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00:07:03,280 --> 00:07:06,800
Anyway, so he goes, and...
173
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,160
..we live on fruit, and
wine and sex all weekend.
174
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:13,640
Oh. And then I really,
really, really want lasagne,
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so we come back to town.
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Until he starts to go mad again.
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It's very handy.
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Yeah. Well, thank you.
That's incredible, and I...
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SHE MOUTHS
180
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Oh!
181
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Oh, my God.
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00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:30,960
What the hell is this?
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00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,720
Oh, stop.
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00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:35,760
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
185
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,920
I want to eat it.
186
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,320
Look at you. Is it weird
that I want to eat it?
187
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,080
It craps its own
weight ten times a day.
188
00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:43,800
I'm just looking
after it for neighbour.
189
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,520
What's your name, mister?
190
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:46,680
Daphne.
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00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,320
Oh, Daphne.
192
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Run away with me.
193
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,000
Well, bring a shovel.
194
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,200
That's it. Look.
195
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,440
Bam, goodbye.
196
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:07,080
And of course, Carla is
talking about squads of children
197
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:08,960
while complaining that
we live in a bread bin.
198
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,400
So...
199
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,720
Why are you smiling?
200
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,400
I can't help it.
201
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:17,240
Guy I beat at cards last
night looks a bit like you.
202
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,960
Couple more years and I'll
be out of this fucking game.
203
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,360
I hate sick people.
204
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:22,560
Your life's so brilliant.
205
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,800
Now you haven't even got a job
and you're freaking out.
206
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,240
You wimp. Yes, I'm
fucking freaking out, Pete.
207
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,960
I really am fucking freaking out.
208
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,880
So maybe you could give
me a pill, you know?
209
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,280
How about that? No.
210
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,280
Karma. That's what this is,
for being a dick.
211
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,600
This'll be good for you.
212
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,480
You'll learn all kinds of lessons.
HE LAUGHS HEARTILY
213
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,680
When's the last time
you lost at cards?
214
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:51,080
I can't remember.
215
00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,640
How about you use my severance?
216
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,080
And then, you know, play with it
and then split the take with me?
217
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,680
It could go either way, you know?
I mean, I'm very good...
218
00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:01,800
Do it. Go on.
I'll wire you the money today.
219
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,440
Do it. Love to.
220
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,440
Sound investment.
221
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,600
Your brother was in the paper again.
He bought a bank.
222
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,680
That's got to be a sign
you're doing all right.
223
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,040
How come you don't just ask him?
224
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,240
Because that's not how
it is in my family, Pete.
225
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,440
Actually, nut-wise,
I've been meaning to ask,
226
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:17,440
can you still get
a good look at yours?
227
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,880
At your age, you should still
be able to give him a wave.
228
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,480
Yeah.
229
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:24,240
You spend much time catching
up with the guys, do you?
230
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,960
Realistic goals, realistic rewards.
231
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,400
Lose a little weight.
232
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:31,760
As a reward, a nice glass of Rioja,
a little mellow jazz,
233
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,600
candles, some quality time
with your testicles.
234
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,040
GIGGLING
235
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,080
Thank you so much.
236
00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:49,400
I mean, we'd be lost
without our fixer.
237
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,720
Right? Yeah, absolutely.
238
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,000
You are amazing.
239
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,720
Honestly, here's to being busy.
240
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:54,880
It's so fantastic.
241
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,040
And I love my flowers.
They're so beautiful.
242
00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:59,160
Thank you.
243
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,920
So, Kurt, I must ask you...
244
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:02,800
Finally.
245
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,360
The one man who never asks
me anything, he cracks.
246
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,440
JOY LAUGHS
247
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,800
Why do you think so many
people come to you for advice?
248
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:15,320
Because I think I say some simple
human truth they already know.
249
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,360
Google and the rest,
they own our arses.
250
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:19,480
They sell us this lie of connection.
251
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,440
And they do nothing real
to help us where we suffer
252
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:24,240
here in our real lives.
253
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:25,520
Nothing.
254
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,920
I mean, it's like the latest war.
255
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,960
At least in Berlin, we knew
who our real friends were.
256
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,400
Come on. The internet
is hardly the Stasi.
257
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:36,440
It's worse.
258
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,520
The Stasi worked hard to break
down the individual, the persona.
259
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,000
But today we treat
ourselves like machines,
260
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,280
and then we wonder
why we feel crazy.
261
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:47,880
Facebook and the rest,
262
00:10:47,880 --> 00:10:49,640
they can suck my schwanz.
263
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:52,640
They're probably doing it right now.
264
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,040
You know, a banana,
265
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,400
back then in Berlin, a banana.
No, no, no, no!
266
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,320
Nein. Keinen bananan Berlinen.
267
00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:00,800
And just can you go
and get the kids?
268
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:02,680
Cos I'm ready for collapsing.
269
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:03,960
Sure. All right, all right.
270
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,320
All right. Thanks, Kurt. Kids.
271
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,000
Hey, no hiding.
272
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:11,920
Alles klar. Ja.
273
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,800
GERMAN ACCENT: Back then,
behind the wall,
274
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,440
a banana was worth pure gold.
275
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,560
We would slice it
into nine million pieces,
276
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,600
get naked and sing The Beatles.
277
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,920
I want to hold your
kur-fluffen-hausen.
278
00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:25,880
OK.
279
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:27,800
It's time to say goodbye.
280
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,520
We destroyed your apartment.
281
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,880
Say sorry.
282
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,160
TOGETHER: Sorry for painting
in the bathroom.
283
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,640
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
284
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,080
Oh... Painting?
285
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,680
Artie told me to do it.
286
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,440
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
287
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,120
I'm sorry, it does wash off.
288
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,360
I mean, we...
289
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,280
..we love our bathroom paintings.
290
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:55,800
Guess what?
291
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:59,920
Joy has given me the keys
to her place in the woods.
292
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,000
Mm.
293
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,400
Ooh.
294
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:05,960
We should get out of town.
295
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,920
City rain not windy enough?
296
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,520
I want a cat.
19780
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