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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:14,964 ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) 2 00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:36,169 More meat loaf, anybody? 3 00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:37,170 No, thanks. 4 00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:38,171 No, thank you, honey. 5 00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:39,005 Ethel? 6 00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:39,873 Oh, I might as well 7 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,875 finish up that last little dab. 8 00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,014 Potatoes? 9 00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:49,015 No, thanks. 10 00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:50,016 Uh-uh. 11 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:50,884 Ethel? 12 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,385 Just another taste. 13 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:54,387 I hate to see food go to waste. 14 00:01:01,227 --> 00:01:01,728 Salad? 15 00:01:02,228 --> 00:01:03,229 No, thanks. 16 00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,231 I couldn't eat another bite, honey. 17 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:09,652 Mm-mmm-mmm. 18 00:01:13,656 --> 00:01:15,158 Sometimes, I feel 19 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:17,660 like I was married to a garbage disposal. 20 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:23,166 Oh, leave her alone, Fred. 21 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:25,468 So she's got a good appetite. 22 00:01:25,468 --> 00:01:28,054 Sure, she's just a growing girl. 23 00:01:28,054 --> 00:01:30,890 Yeah, but she's growing sideways. 24 00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:33,259 Quiet, fat boy. 25 00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,762 Lucy, this is the best salad dressing 26 00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,013 I ever tasted. 27 00:01:37,013 --> 00:01:38,815 Well, thank you very much. 28 00:01:38,815 --> 00:01:40,316 Well, now, for once, you're right. 29 00:01:40,316 --> 00:01:42,819 Why don't you buy a bottle of that stuff, Ethel? 30 00:01:42,819 --> 00:01:43,770 Oh, you can't buy it. 31 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,572 I made it myself, Fred. 32 00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:47,357 You know, you ought to bottle that, Lucy, 33 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,358 and sell it. 34 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:49,359 Oh, Fred! 35 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:50,360 Well, I mean it. 36 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:51,861 I bet you could make a lot of money. 37 00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:52,862 (chuckles) 38 00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:54,864 Money, money... 39 00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:57,867 Where did I hear that word today? 40 00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:01,671 Oh, yes, the teller at the bank called me 41 00:02:01,671 --> 00:02:04,874 and said that someone's account was overdrawn. 44 00:02:07,544 --> 00:02:10,380 Guess who the teller said was overdrawn, Lucy. 45 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,298 Uh, aren't these delicious-looking pastries? 46 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:13,800 They're real gooey. 47 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,302 I'll, uh, I'll give you a hint: 48 00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:19,305 He says it's someone who shares my joint account, 49 00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,641 but it's not me. 50 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,109 Go on, Lucy, guess. 51 00:02:23,109 --> 00:02:25,528 Please, not while I'm eating. 52 00:02:25,528 --> 00:02:26,946 All right. 53 00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:28,948 Not while you're eating. 54 00:02:28,948 --> 00:02:29,949 Cake, Ethel? 55 00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:31,951 I don't know where I'd put it. 56 00:02:31,951 --> 00:02:34,871 Just drop it into the bottomless pit. 57 00:02:36,289 --> 00:02:40,793 (chuckling uncontrollably) 58 00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:42,795 Are you finished eating? 59 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:45,298 No, no, I'm not finished yet. 60 00:02:45,298 --> 00:02:46,132 I'll wait. 61 00:03:11,407 --> 00:03:14,194 These are very good. 62 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:16,946 Made fresh today. 63 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,371 Finished? 64 00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:26,256 Nope. 65 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:37,717 I never can seem to get enough of these. 66 00:03:42,472 --> 00:03:44,774 Are you finished now? 67 00:03:44,774 --> 00:03:47,060 Yeah. 68 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,028 Now, would you mind telling me 69 00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:51,531 why you were overdrawn at the bank? 70 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,533 Every month, I put money in the bank 71 00:03:54,033 --> 00:03:55,034 and every month, 72 00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:57,036 you spend it all and more besides. 73 00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:58,538 I don't understand it. 74 00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:01,040 I mean, I'd like to know the reason. 75 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,043 Now, why are you overdrawn at the bank? 76 00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:05,545 Lucy? 77 00:04:08,047 --> 00:04:09,966 Eww... 78 00:04:15,972 --> 00:04:18,474 Well, how'd things go after we left last night? 79 00:04:18,975 --> 00:04:19,976 Pretty rough, huh? 80 00:04:20,476 --> 00:04:22,478 It was the biggest battle of the budget yet. 81 00:04:22,979 --> 00:04:24,981 We thrashed out every item in my books. 82 00:04:25,481 --> 00:04:26,849 It was just terrible, Ethel. 83 00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:29,852 I've used up my allowance until June 12. 84 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,771 Oh, that's not bad. 85 00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:35,608 June 12, 1978? 86 00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:38,111 Oh... well, money isn't everything. 87 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:40,113 Yeah, with me, it isn't anything. 88 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,615 Gee, I wish I could invent something 89 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:45,118 that would be worth a million dollars. 90 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,919 You sound just like Fred Mertz. 91 00:04:46,919 --> 00:04:48,087 Fred? 92 00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:49,872 Yeah. Ever since we've been married, 93 00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:51,374 he's been trying to think up 94 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,209 one idea worth a million dollars. 95 00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:54,927 None of his ideas any good, huh? 96 00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:56,296 Oh, he had some good ideas, 97 00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:59,098 but somebody always got to the patent office first. 98 00:04:59,098 --> 00:05:00,516 He's still mad at Edison 99 00:05:00,516 --> 00:05:02,018 for beating him to the electric light. 100 00:05:04,354 --> 00:05:06,806 And he's never forgiven Ford for scooping him 101 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,191 with the horseless carriage. 102 00:05:08,191 --> 00:05:10,643 Well, at least, he was trying. 103 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,645 I haven't even got an idea. 104 00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:14,147 Ethel, I've got it! 105 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,148 Got what? 106 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,150 I know how to make a million dollars. 107 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:18,484 How? 108 00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,236 Remember last night when Fred was raving 109 00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,238 about my salad dressing? Yeah. 110 00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:23,740 Well, he's right. I'm gonna bottle it 111 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,575 and put it on the market. 112 00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:26,993 Bottle it and sell it. 113 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:30,246 Yeah! It's the best salad dressing I ever tasted. 114 00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,547 We can make it right here in the kitchen. 115 00:05:31,547 --> 00:05:33,049 Will you help me? Sure. 116 00:05:33,049 --> 00:05:34,550 It's a real simple recipe. 117 00:05:34,550 --> 00:05:35,551 I have it right here. 118 00:05:35,551 --> 00:05:37,837 Let's see. Here it is. 119 00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:39,088 There now. Let me see. 120 00:05:39,088 --> 00:05:40,556 Let's see now. What'll we call it? 121 00:05:41,057 --> 00:05:43,059 My Aunt Martha gave it to me. 122 00:05:43,059 --> 00:05:44,560 I suppose we really ought to call it 123 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:46,062 "Aunt Martha's Salad Dressing." 124 00:05:46,062 --> 00:05:46,896 Sure. 125 00:05:46,896 --> 00:05:48,348 It needs more than that, though. 126 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,849 How about... 127 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:53,152 "Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad dressing"? 128 00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:54,737 Yeah, and we'll make it with old-fashioneds. 129 00:05:54,737 --> 00:05:56,823 No. 130 00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:58,491 We'll sell more of it. 131 00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:00,443 Oh, come on, now, be serious. 132 00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,945 How are people gonna know that we're selling it? 133 00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:04,447 Now, we've got to advertise. 134 00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:05,948 Yeah. 135 00:06:05,948 --> 00:06:08,451 Gee, isn't it too bad we haven't got money enough 136 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:09,452 to go on television? 137 00:06:09,952 --> 00:06:11,003 Yeah. 138 00:06:11,504 --> 00:06:13,506 Television! 139 00:06:13,506 --> 00:06:15,508 We'll go on television. 140 00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:16,709 Huh? 141 00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,544 I'll be a cooking expert. 142 00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,046 No, no, you'll be the cooking expert, 143 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,547 and-and I'll be one of those women 144 00:06:21,547 --> 00:06:23,049 that they get up from the audience. 145 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:24,050 I know just how they act. 146 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,351 I've watched them a hundred times. 147 00:06:25,351 --> 00:06:26,269 So have I. 148 00:06:26,269 --> 00:06:27,270 I watch them every day. 149 00:06:27,270 --> 00:06:28,271 That's great. 150 00:06:28,271 --> 00:06:29,272 I know just what to do. 151 00:06:29,272 --> 00:06:30,556 What'll we use for money? 152 00:06:30,556 --> 00:06:31,974 What do we need with money? 153 00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:33,976 After all, who is my dearest friend 154 00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:35,478 in the whole wide world? 155 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:36,696 Caroline Appleby. 156 00:06:36,696 --> 00:06:38,531 Caroline Appleby? 157 00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:41,534 Sine when did she get to be your dearest friend? 158 00:06:41,534 --> 00:06:42,985 Since I just remembered 159 00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:45,238 that her husband runs a television station. 160 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,707 Oh, yeah. Yeah. 161 00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:49,542 Do you think she'll go for the idea? 162 00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:51,994 I think so, especially if we cut her in 163 00:06:52,495 --> 00:06:55,248 to the tune of, say, three cents a bottle. 164 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,083 Yeah, she likes that kind of music. 165 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:57,967 Yeah. 166 00:06:57,967 --> 00:06:59,051 All she's got to do 167 00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:01,053 is get us on that Dickie Davis Show. 168 00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,555 He's on four hours every day 169 00:07:02,555 --> 00:07:04,056 and he sells all sorts of things. 170 00:07:04,056 --> 00:07:08,060 The Dickie Davis Show, yeah. 171 00:07:08,060 --> 00:07:09,929 Gee, I hope she'll do it. 172 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,932 Just show her money and she'll do anything. 173 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,852 She is the greediest, the penny-pinchingest... 174 00:07:15,852 --> 00:07:18,354 Caroline, darling, how are you, dear? 175 00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:20,356 Why, this is your old chum, Lucy. 176 00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:23,860 Thank you, thank you. 177 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:26,362 That last number was brought to you 178 00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:28,865 by the Nelson Photo Finishing Company 179 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:32,368 located on the corner of Leed Boulevard and Hickox Avenue. 180 00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:33,870 Remember, the slogan 181 00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:36,372 of the Nelson Photo Finishing Company is 182 00:07:36,372 --> 00:07:38,424 "our business is developing." 183 00:07:38,424 --> 00:07:40,927 Oh, that's pretty clever: "Our business is developing." 184 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:42,428 (chuckles) 185 00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,764 Well, that brings us to a brand-new sponsor. 186 00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:47,216 It is now my pleasure to present to you 187 00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:50,219 Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing 188 00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:51,721 and here to tell you all about it 189 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,223 is one of the country's leading home economists 190 00:07:54,223 --> 00:07:56,726 Mary Margaret McMertz. 191 00:08:02,365 --> 00:08:04,367 Good afternoon, homemakers. 192 00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,869 I am Mary Margaret McMertz, 193 00:08:06,869 --> 00:08:10,373 and today I have a wonderful surprise for you. 194 00:08:10,373 --> 00:08:14,877 For years, only a few close friends and relatives knew 195 00:08:14,877 --> 00:08:16,379 the thrill of eating salad 196 00:08:16,879 --> 00:08:19,882 made with Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing, 197 00:08:19,882 --> 00:08:21,384 but Aunt Martha-- 198 00:08:21,384 --> 00:08:24,887 sweet, loveable, kind, old lady that she is-- 199 00:08:24,887 --> 00:08:28,674 has finally consented to let the world in on her secret, 200 00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:31,093 and today you can buy a quart 201 00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:34,096 of real, honest-to-goodness, genuine 202 00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:37,099 Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing 203 00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:40,102 for only 40 cents a quart. 204 00:08:40,102 --> 00:08:41,103 Simply write to: 205 00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,110 Or call: 206 00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,115 Oh, pardon me. 207 00:08:56,118 --> 00:08:57,119 I did. 208 00:08:57,119 --> 00:09:00,122 And place your order. 209 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:04,343 Now, in order to get an unbiased opinion on this product-- 210 00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:08,347 for after all, they're paying me to do this-- 211 00:09:08,347 --> 00:09:10,349 just before we went on the air, 212 00:09:10,349 --> 00:09:14,353 I picked an average housewife at random from our audience 213 00:09:14,353 --> 00:09:16,188 and asked her to help me. 214 00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:17,607 Would you come up here, 215 00:09:18,107 --> 00:09:21,611 average housewife whom I picked at random from our audience? 216 00:09:21,611 --> 00:09:23,112 Yes, you dear. 217 00:09:23,613 --> 00:09:25,114 Right up those stairs. 218 00:09:25,114 --> 00:09:26,616 You, dear. 219 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,491 Hello, dear. 220 00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,493 Hello. 221 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:38,995 I'm Mary Margaret McMertz. 222 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:41,497 Oh, how do you do? 223 00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:43,833 And, uh, what is your name? 224 00:09:43,833 --> 00:09:44,800 Hmm? 225 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,302 What is your name? 226 00:09:46,302 --> 00:09:48,220 Uh... Isabella Clump. 227 00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,056 Oh. 228 00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:51,474 Mrs. Clump. 229 00:09:51,474 --> 00:09:52,975 Yeah. 230 00:09:52,975 --> 00:09:54,477 Have you ever heard 231 00:09:54,477 --> 00:09:57,229 of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing? 232 00:09:57,229 --> 00:10:00,099 Aunt-who's old-what salad-which? 233 00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:03,486 You see, friends, she's never heard of it. 234 00:10:03,486 --> 00:10:05,488 No, I never heard of it. 235 00:10:05,488 --> 00:10:08,824 Now, I want you to try this salad dressing 236 00:10:08,824 --> 00:10:10,743 and tell these people what you think... 237 00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:11,577 Mrs. Clump. What? 238 00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:12,528 I want you to try 239 00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:13,529 this salad dressing 240 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,031 and tell these people 241 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,032 what you think of it. 242 00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,033 Oh, all right. 243 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,034 Pour it on the salad. 244 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:18,834 Oh. 245 00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,255 That's it. 246 00:10:23,255 --> 00:10:24,757 Now, toss the salad. 247 00:10:25,257 --> 00:10:26,258 Just mix it. Okay. 248 00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:28,127 (laughing goofily) 249 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:32,682 That's enough, dear. 250 00:10:32,682 --> 00:10:33,683 Now let me have these. 251 00:10:33,683 --> 00:10:34,684 Yeah. 252 00:10:35,184 --> 00:10:37,186 Now, taste it. 253 00:10:37,186 --> 00:10:39,188 Oh. All right. 254 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:42,775 Mmm... 255 00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:44,060 (chuckles) 256 00:10:44,393 --> 00:10:45,027 Well? 257 00:10:45,027 --> 00:10:47,530 Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm... 258 00:10:47,530 --> 00:10:48,531 Mmm... mmm... 259 00:10:48,531 --> 00:10:49,532 Well? 260 00:10:49,532 --> 00:10:50,533 Mmm... 261 00:10:50,533 --> 00:10:52,868 Mmm, mmm, mmm... 262 00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:54,704 Well, Mrs. Clump? 263 00:10:54,704 --> 00:10:56,205 Don't bother me. 264 00:10:56,205 --> 00:10:58,457 This is the best salad dressing I've ever eaten. 265 00:10:58,824 --> 00:10:59,992 There you are. 266 00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:01,994 The opinion of an average housewife 267 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,497 picked at random from our audience. 268 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:05,998 Mmm... 269 00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,635 You will feel the same way 270 00:11:09,635 --> 00:11:11,087 once you try 271 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:14,090 Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing 272 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,092 at only 40 cents a quart. 273 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,595 Simply call: Circle 7-2099 274 00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:20,596 or write to: 275 00:11:20,596 --> 00:11:23,099 623 East 68th street 276 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,101 and place your order. 277 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:28,604 Until tomorrow, good-bye, then. 278 00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:37,997 You can relax, girls. 279 00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:38,998 You're off the air. 280 00:11:38,998 --> 00:11:40,332 Oh. 281 00:11:40,332 --> 00:11:41,667 Oh, how'd we'd do? 282 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:43,169 Oh, wonderful. You've already got 283 00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:44,170 23 orders by phone. 284 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,672 Oh, 23 orders! 23! 285 00:11:46,672 --> 00:11:48,641 Oh, no kidding! 286 00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,805 ...a hundred and forty-four, 287 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:05,391 a hundred and forty-four... 288 00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,394 a hundred and forty-five... 289 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:10,980 a hundred and forty-five... 290 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:13,482 a hundred and forty-six... 291 00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:16,485 a hundred and forty-six. 292 00:12:16,485 --> 00:12:18,487 There-- the salt's all in. 293 00:12:19,488 --> 00:12:21,991 That takes care of the oil. 294 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,325 Gee, if I get any 295 00:12:23,325 --> 00:12:26,078 more of this stuff on me, I'll be ready to swim the channel. 296 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,747 What do we do next? 297 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,631 Peel the onions. 298 00:12:29,131 --> 00:12:30,633 Peel the onions. 299 00:12:39,558 --> 00:12:40,559 Say, Lucy... 300 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:41,560 What? 301 00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:44,063 Where'd you get the money to buy all this stuff? 302 00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:45,064 Charged it. 303 00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:47,566 Charged it? What's Ricky gonna say? 304 00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:49,068 Nothing-- we'll have the money back 305 00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:50,569 before the bills come in. 306 00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:52,071 Oh, of course. 307 00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:53,572 Gee, isn't it wonderful? 308 00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:56,075 We only started in business yesterday 309 00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:58,577 and already we got orders for 23 quarts. 310 00:12:58,577 --> 00:12:59,578 Yeah, and no telling 311 00:12:59,578 --> 00:13:01,580 how many more the mail will bring. 312 00:13:01,580 --> 00:13:04,083 Gee, this is a real get-rich-quick scheme. 313 00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:06,085 I'll say. Ooh. 314 00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:08,921 Just think, in no time at all, we're gonna be millionaires. 315 00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:11,257 Oh, that'll be lovely. 316 00:13:11,257 --> 00:13:12,708 Yeah. 317 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,928 What are you going to do with your first million? 318 00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:20,266 I'm going to go right out and buy myself a mink coat. 319 00:13:20,516 --> 00:13:21,634 So am I. 320 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,135 Then I'm going to buy myself 321 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,638 a house in the country with a swimming pool 322 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,140 and tennis court and horses. 323 00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,141 Oh, boy. 324 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,644 Oh, that'll be nice. 325 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:34,146 (sniffling) 326 00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:35,648 (sniffling) 327 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,650 You know what I'm going to do? 328 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,951 What? 329 00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:43,656 I'm going downtown and buy that bank and fire that teller. 330 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,075 That'll be great. 331 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:48,043 Yeah. 332 00:13:48,544 --> 00:13:51,330 We're going to be so happy. 333 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:53,499 Yeah. 334 00:13:54,884 --> 00:13:55,384 RICKY: Hi. 335 00:13:55,885 --> 00:13:57,386 Hi, Ricky. Hi, darling. 336 00:13:57,386 --> 00:13:59,839 Lucy, Ethel, what's the matter? 337 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:00,840 What do you mean, what's the matter? 338 00:14:01,340 --> 00:14:02,341 What are you crying for? 339 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,843 Crying? 340 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,344 Oh, it's the onions. 341 00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,178 Oh... Oh. 342 00:14:07,396 --> 00:14:08,814 Say, what's all this? 343 00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:10,316 Welcome to the main plant 344 00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:13,152 of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing, Incorporated. 345 00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:14,854 What?! 346 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,772 Ethel and I are in business. 347 00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:19,275 We are bottling that good salad dressing I make. 348 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,743 Ay, que barbaridad. 349 00:14:20,743 --> 00:14:22,745 Mira que no saben lo que estan haciendo. 350 00:14:22,745 --> 00:14:25,247 That's not true, whatever you said. 351 00:14:25,247 --> 00:14:27,616 We're going to make a million dollars. 352 00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:29,585 Well, this is the most ridiculous thing 353 00:14:30,085 --> 00:14:31,871 I've ever heard in my whole life. 354 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:32,788 Why? 355 00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:34,173 There's lots 356 00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:35,674 of wonderful salad dressing in the market 357 00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:38,043 made by people that know what they're doing. 358 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,045 Well, we know what we're doing. 359 00:14:40,045 --> 00:14:41,547 I should say! 360 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,550 We've already got orders for 23 jars. 361 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:46,051 At 40 cents a quart. 362 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,052 40 cents a quart? 363 00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,888 Yes, sir. 364 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,806 That sounds awful cheap. 365 00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:53,025 How much does it cost to make? 366 00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:56,362 Oh... uh... um... 367 00:14:56,362 --> 00:14:58,614 Oh, um... 368 00:14:58,614 --> 00:15:00,616 Well, we didn't figure that. 369 00:15:00,616 --> 00:15:01,567 Oh, I see. 370 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,569 Well, what did you figure? 371 00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:05,571 Well, we figured you'd just buy the oil 372 00:15:06,071 --> 00:15:07,573 and the onions and stuff, and-and sell it 373 00:15:08,073 --> 00:15:09,875 and what's left over is profit. 374 00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:13,162 Uh-huh, and what if there's nothing left over? 375 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,080 Well, there's got to be something left over. 376 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,082 How else can we make a million dollars? 377 00:15:18,083 --> 00:15:19,585 Wait a minute. Now wait a minute. 378 00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,586 Now let's figure this thing out. 379 00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:22,638 How-how much did you pay for all this stuff? 380 00:15:23,138 --> 00:15:23,639 All of it? 381 00:15:24,139 --> 00:15:24,640 Yeah, all the stuff. Come on. 382 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,142 Well, $7.21 for the groceries. 383 00:15:27,142 --> 00:15:28,143 $7.21. 384 00:15:28,644 --> 00:15:29,144 Yeah. 385 00:15:29,645 --> 00:15:30,145 For the groceries. 386 00:15:30,646 --> 00:15:34,149 ETHEL: And $1.20 for the jars. 387 00:15:34,149 --> 00:15:36,151 $1.20 For the jars. 388 00:15:36,151 --> 00:15:37,653 LUCY: Ten cents for the labels. 389 00:15:38,153 --> 00:15:38,654 (sniffles) 390 00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:40,155 Ten cents for the labels. 391 00:15:40,155 --> 00:15:40,656 (sniffles) 392 00:15:41,156 --> 00:15:42,658 That's, um... 393 00:15:43,158 --> 00:15:43,659 (sniffles) 394 00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:45,160 (muttering) 395 00:15:45,661 --> 00:15:47,162 $8.31... 396 00:15:47,162 --> 00:15:49,164 (sniffles) 397 00:15:49,164 --> 00:15:52,501 and um... how many jars are you making? 398 00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:53,752 Twenty-three. 399 00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:56,622 (tearfully): 23 jars. 400 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:57,623 (sniffles) 401 00:15:58,123 --> 00:16:00,926 and, uh... and you're selling it for what? 402 00:16:00,926 --> 00:16:02,711 40 cents a quart. 403 00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,179 40 cents a quart. 404 00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:05,681 (sniffles) 405 00:16:05,681 --> 00:16:09,685 (tearfully): 23 jars, 40 cents a quart. 406 00:16:09,685 --> 00:16:13,138 Oh, now, get these onions out of here! 407 00:16:13,138 --> 00:16:14,640 For goodness' sake. 408 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,643 Now, let me see now. 409 00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:20,529 That's, uh... uh-huh. 410 00:16:20,529 --> 00:16:22,398 How much profit are we going to make? 411 00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:24,116 Three cents a jar. 412 00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:26,452 Three cents a jar? 413 00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,454 That three cents goes to Caroline. 414 00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:30,456 Yeah. Well, uh... 415 00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:32,958 maybe there is no profit on each individual jar, 416 00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:34,827 but we'll make it up in volume. 417 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,329 This I'd like to see. 418 00:16:37,329 --> 00:16:38,831 And let me tell you something else. 419 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,832 LUCY: What? 420 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:43,218 I didn't figure shipping, mailing, 421 00:16:43,218 --> 00:16:45,721 insurance, taxes or overhead. 422 00:16:46,221 --> 00:16:48,974 Oh, well, if you're gonna figure all that stuff. 423 00:16:48,974 --> 00:16:49,758 Lucy. 424 00:16:50,259 --> 00:16:50,759 What? 425 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:51,760 Come here. 426 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:53,262 No. 427 00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:54,763 Look, I'm not gonna get mad. 428 00:16:54,763 --> 00:16:55,764 You're not? 429 00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:57,266 No. 430 00:16:57,266 --> 00:16:58,767 Well, all right. 431 00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:00,769 Now, at least you tried. 432 00:17:00,769 --> 00:17:01,770 Yes. 433 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,272 Now, the thing for you to do 434 00:17:03,272 --> 00:17:06,191 is fill this 23 orders and get out of business. 435 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:07,192 Well... 436 00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,694 That way, I'll only lose 437 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,195 seven or eight dollars. Yeah. 438 00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:11,697 FRED: Lucy! Ethel! 439 00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:12,698 Yeah? We're in here, Fred. 440 00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,832 FRED: I got your mail. 441 00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:14,833 Okay. 442 00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:18,087 (whispering) 443 00:17:19,088 --> 00:17:20,756 What's that? 444 00:17:20,756 --> 00:17:22,257 That's your morning mail. 445 00:17:22,257 --> 00:17:23,759 The morning mail? 446 00:17:23,759 --> 00:17:25,127 You're kidding! 447 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:26,595 "Send me one quart of 448 00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:28,097 Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing." 449 00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:29,598 "Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned..." 450 00:17:30,099 --> 00:17:31,100 "Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned..." 451 00:17:31,600 --> 00:17:32,384 "Send me two quarts of..." 452 00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:34,269 LUCY: "Send me four quarts 453 00:17:34,269 --> 00:17:35,771 of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing." 454 00:17:35,771 --> 00:17:36,772 "Send me one quart of Aunt Martha's 455 00:17:36,772 --> 00:17:38,223 Old-Fash..." 456 00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:39,608 They're all the same. They're all orders. 457 00:17:39,608 --> 00:17:41,560 Well, how.. wh-where did this mail come from? 458 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,362 How do these people know about this? 459 00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:44,730 Um... 460 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,732 uh, well, yesterday we did a spot 461 00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,485 on Charlie Appleby's television show. 462 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,287 Well, there's two more sacks of mail downstairs. 463 00:17:52,287 --> 00:17:53,038 Oh, no. 464 00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:53,872 Well, what's the matter? 465 00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:55,374 I thought you'd be glad. 466 00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:58,877 Uh, we just applied a little arithmetic 467 00:17:58,877 --> 00:18:00,379 and we found out 468 00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:02,881 that they're losing money on every jar. 469 00:18:02,881 --> 00:18:04,750 I thought it sounded too good. 470 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:07,219 Hey, Lucy, look at all this mail. 471 00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,721 We must be terrific television salesmen. 472 00:18:10,222 --> 00:18:12,224 Yeah. Oh, listen! 473 00:18:12,224 --> 00:18:14,226 Maybe we'd better go back on that program 474 00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:16,228 and unsell that salad dressing, and... 475 00:18:16,228 --> 00:18:17,729 and then maybe all these people 476 00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:19,231 will take back their orders. Yeah. 477 00:18:19,231 --> 00:18:20,599 What are you talking about? 478 00:18:20,599 --> 00:18:23,068 Well, if we did such a good job of selling yesterday, 479 00:18:23,068 --> 00:18:25,404 maybe we can go back on again and unsell it today. 480 00:18:25,404 --> 00:18:28,857 Here I am again, Mary Margaret McMertz. 481 00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,410 And today I'm going to demonstrate the same product 482 00:18:31,910 --> 00:18:33,412 that I showed you yesterday. 483 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:35,914 And to get an unbiased opinion, 484 00:18:35,914 --> 00:18:39,334 I asked an average housewife, 485 00:18:39,334 --> 00:18:40,836 picked at random from our audience 486 00:18:40,836 --> 00:18:43,338 just before we went on the air, to come up here and help me. 487 00:18:43,338 --> 00:18:44,840 Uh, would you come up here, 488 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,342 average housewife whom I picked at random, please? 489 00:18:56,351 --> 00:18:57,769 How do you do? 490 00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:00,189 Hello. 491 00:19:00,189 --> 00:19:02,191 I am Mary Margaret McMertz. 492 00:19:02,191 --> 00:19:03,692 How do you do? 493 00:19:03,692 --> 00:19:06,195 And what is your name? 494 00:19:06,195 --> 00:19:08,197 What is your name? 495 00:19:08,197 --> 00:19:09,615 Huh? 496 00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:10,616 Your name, please? 497 00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,952 Oh, Lucille Mcgillicuddy. 498 00:19:13,952 --> 00:19:15,787 Oh, now, Mrs. Mcgillicuddy, 499 00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:18,123 you know why you're up here, don't you? 500 00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:20,075 Huh? 501 00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:22,077 You know why you're up here, don't you? 502 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,963 I'm... No, I don't. 503 00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:27,466 Well, I want you to try 504 00:19:27,966 --> 00:19:30,969 some of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing 505 00:19:30,969 --> 00:19:32,971 and tell these people what you think of it. 506 00:19:32,971 --> 00:19:33,972 Oh, all righty. 507 00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:37,009 It's a mighty pretty color, isn't it? 508 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,513 (bellows in disgust) 509 00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:43,515 Wow, wow! 510 00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:45,234 What's that?! 511 00:19:45,234 --> 00:19:47,736 Why, that's Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing. 512 00:19:47,736 --> 00:19:50,239 Are you sure? Smell it. 513 00:19:52,074 --> 00:19:53,408 How about that? 514 00:19:53,408 --> 00:19:57,162 Looks like Aunt Martha had too many Old-Fashioneds. 515 00:19:57,162 --> 00:19:59,498 What do you want me to do with it? 516 00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:00,782 Why, I want you to taste it. 517 00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:04,086 Taste it? 518 00:20:04,086 --> 00:20:06,538 Now, maybe that's a bad jar. 519 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:08,540 You could say that again. 520 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,042 Here, let's try another one. 521 00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,044 It's really delicious. 522 00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,845 All righty. 523 00:20:32,281 --> 00:20:36,868 What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me? 524 00:20:36,868 --> 00:20:40,489 Friends, I can no longer endorse this product. 525 00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:43,158 If you have ordered it, send in your cancellations. 526 00:20:43,158 --> 00:20:44,993 Cancel, cancel. 527 00:20:44,993 --> 00:20:48,463 Phone to: Circle 7-2099 528 00:20:48,463 --> 00:20:51,750 or write to: 623 East 68th street. 529 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,252 And do it now. 530 00:21:04,730 --> 00:21:06,148 FRED: Lucy! Ethel! 531 00:21:06,148 --> 00:21:06,932 The mail. 532 00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:08,734 Here it is! Come on in! 533 00:21:08,734 --> 00:21:09,568 Here it is. Open up. 534 00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,987 Look! Cancellations! 535 00:21:11,987 --> 00:21:12,487 It worked. 536 00:21:12,487 --> 00:21:13,989 Oh, boy. 537 00:21:13,989 --> 00:21:15,991 Oh, yes. 538 00:21:18,493 --> 00:21:19,328 Here. 539 00:21:19,328 --> 00:21:20,746 "Keep kidding the product. 540 00:21:21,246 --> 00:21:23,749 "It's wonderful. Send me four jars." 541 00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:27,252 "Enjoyed your hilarious advertising stunt on television. 542 00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:30,756 "Send me a jar of Aunt Martha's Old-Fashioned Salad Dressing." 543 00:21:30,756 --> 00:21:32,257 "That's the American way to do things-- 544 00:21:32,257 --> 00:21:33,258 "with a sense of humor. 545 00:21:33,258 --> 00:21:35,260 Send me a half a dozen jars." 546 00:21:35,260 --> 00:21:37,212 They're all orders. 547 00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,714 Oh... four quarts. 548 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:40,215 Send me one quart... Lucy... 549 00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:41,216 (bottles clinking) 550 00:21:41,216 --> 00:21:44,219 (counting under her breath) 551 00:21:47,222 --> 00:21:51,310 (counting under her breath) 552 00:22:03,121 --> 00:22:06,158 (counting under her breath) 553 00:22:14,082 --> 00:22:17,386 (counting under her breath) 554 00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:24,009 (counting under her breath) 555 00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:32,434 (counting under her breath) 556 00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:36,938 (counting under her breath) 557 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,442 Is that the last one? 558 00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:42,444 Next to the last. 559 00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:47,249 Stick out your tongue. 560 00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:51,787 Thanks. 561 00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:54,790 Mine went dry 200 jars ago. 562 00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,792 (chuckling) 563 00:22:56,792 --> 00:23:00,295 1,153 jars. 564 00:23:00,295 --> 00:23:01,296 Wow-wee. 565 00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:02,798 Come on, I'm tired. 566 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,299 So am I. 567 00:23:04,299 --> 00:23:05,300 Whew! 568 00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:06,301 Hi, girls. 569 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:07,803 Hi. Hi. 570 00:23:07,803 --> 00:23:10,305 Listen, I got to feeling sorry for you, 571 00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:12,808 so I got a whole assembly-line system figured out. 572 00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:14,309 You can bottle this stuff in no time at all. 573 00:23:14,309 --> 00:23:17,813 Well, thanks just the same, but we have news for you: 574 00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,314 We're all finished. 575 00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,816 Come here. Finished? 576 00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:21,616 So soon? 577 00:23:23,485 --> 00:23:26,488 My goodness! 578 00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:27,739 How did you do it? 579 00:23:27,739 --> 00:23:29,991 Oh, Lucy had a wonderful idea. 580 00:23:29,991 --> 00:23:30,792 Oh, it wasn't so much. 581 00:23:31,293 --> 00:23:32,794 We just went to the grocery store, 582 00:23:32,794 --> 00:23:36,164 bought 1,133 jars of salad dressing 583 00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:39,000 and pasted our labels on them. 584 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,921 And it only cost ten cents more a quart than ours. 585 00:23:44,723 --> 00:23:46,057 What? 586 00:23:46,057 --> 00:23:47,926 So we lost money. 587 00:23:47,926 --> 00:23:50,929 We'll spend the rest of our lives making it up. 588 00:23:50,929 --> 00:23:52,564 Yeah, the main thing is, 589 00:23:52,564 --> 00:23:53,432 we're done with it. Yeah. 590 00:23:53,432 --> 00:23:55,233 Are you? 591 00:23:55,233 --> 00:23:56,401 What do you mean? 592 00:23:56,685 --> 00:23:58,186 Well, you have to deliver this stuff. 593 00:23:58,186 --> 00:24:00,939 It's gonna cost you at least 20 cents to mail it. 594 00:24:00,939 --> 00:24:02,607 Just a minute, dear. 595 00:24:02,607 --> 00:24:04,109 We have that all figured out. 596 00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:05,911 Come, Ethel Roberta. 597 00:24:07,579 --> 00:24:08,914 (knock on door) 598 00:24:10,415 --> 00:24:11,917 Oh, hiya, Fred. 599 00:24:11,917 --> 00:24:13,418 Hi, Rick. Did you tell them about our plan? 600 00:24:13,418 --> 00:24:14,920 Yeah. 601 00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:16,421 What's this?! 602 00:24:16,421 --> 00:24:17,923 They don't need our plan. 603 00:24:17,923 --> 00:24:19,925 They went to the market store, 604 00:24:19,925 --> 00:24:22,928 they bought over a thousand and some more jars of this stuff, 605 00:24:22,928 --> 00:24:24,930 they got their own labels, they pasted it on, 606 00:24:24,930 --> 00:24:26,431 and they got it all finished. 607 00:24:26,431 --> 00:24:27,933 Pretty clever. 608 00:24:27,933 --> 00:24:30,936 I'm waiting here to find out how they're gonna deliver it. 609 00:24:30,936 --> 00:24:31,937 Yeah, how are they gonna do that? 610 00:24:31,937 --> 00:24:33,939 I don't know. Look, I gave up 611 00:24:33,939 --> 00:24:36,224 trying to outguess them a long time ago. 612 00:24:57,162 --> 00:24:59,664 Where's my assistant? 613 00:25:04,469 --> 00:25:06,755 Well, you take the East Side, I'll take the West Side, 614 00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:08,139 and I'll be in Jersey afore ye. 615 00:25:23,488 --> 00:25:25,056 ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) 616 00:25:25,056 --> 00:25:29,060 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org 617 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:11,069 ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu production. 618 00:26:11,069 --> 00:26:13,004 Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz 619 00:26:13,004 --> 00:26:15,473 will be back next week at this same time. 620 00:26:18,043 --> 00:26:20,612 ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS Television Network. 40815

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