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1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:03,461
[PIANO PLAYING]
2
00:00:03,629 --> 00:00:05,755
Malory Archer. Ho.
3
00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:08,591
You get more beautiful
every time I see you.
4
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,760
Oh-ho-ho, Gussy.
Minx.
5
00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:14,347
You'll be the death of me yet.
But if I die...
6
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:17,684
...let it be with the name of this
dusky jewel upon my lips.
7
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,812
Lord Feltchley,
may I present Miss Lana Kane?
8
00:00:20,979 --> 00:00:23,106
Yes, you bloody well may.
9
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:25,024
LANA:
So nice to, uh... Wow.
10
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:27,735
Okay, that's kidskin
you're slobbering on, so...
11
00:00:27,903 --> 00:00:29,070
Okay.
12
00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:32,407
Wouldn't want to offend
that boyfriend of yours, eh, wot?
13
00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:34,617
No offense taken, Your Lordship.
14
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:36,703
Glad to hear it. Whoever you are.
15
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,788
Cyril Figgis, ISIS Comptroller.
16
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:40,289
And also my...
Boyfriend.
17
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,958
Person I'm dating.
No, he isn't.
18
00:00:42,126 --> 00:00:43,126
We date.
No, you don't.
19
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:44,961
Ha.
No, no, no.
20
00:00:45,129 --> 00:00:48,631
Your man's a rakish chap.
Air of mystery, chiseled good looks?
21
00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:51,592
Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex?
Oh.
22
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,053
Archer.
Archer, exactly just.
23
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:57,640
And if memory serves,
not only handsome, but also...
24
00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,183
ARCHER:
A secret agent.
25
00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:00,393
[CRASHING]
26
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,938
That's what I am.
And I shouldn't even be saying that...
27
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:07,358
...but you have a certain
thickness about you...
28
00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,068
...that I very find appealing...
29
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:11,487
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I find
your drunkenness very unappealing...
30
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:13,740
I am drunk
or I wouldn't be talking to you.
31
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:17,452
So if you'll please excuse me.
Hey, come on. Don't be like that.
32
00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:18,619
[CROWD CHATTERING]
33
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,538
Whoops.
Sterling, look out.
34
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:23,791
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Feltchley, you dirty Sassenach.
35
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:28,337
Free Irishmen will never bow down
before the English crown.
36
00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:30,715
[TRAY CLATTERING]
37
00:01:30,883 --> 00:01:32,425
[CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING]
38
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,177
Oh là là, Sterling Archer.
39
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:35,636
ARCHER:
That was totally ninja.
40
00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:37,013
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
41
00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:38,848
Yeah, if you're...
42
00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,767
...into that. Hmm?
Lana?
43
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,186
Hon? Hello?
Huh? Hey.
44
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:46,981
What's up, buddy?
Ugh. Nothing.
45
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,691
Oh, dear.
46
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:51,819
Good show, Archer.
Really saved my bacon there.
47
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:55,198
Hey, come on. You know I'd never
let anything happen to your bacon.
48
00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:58,451
I love you, Santa Claus.
What?
49
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:00,661
[CRIES]
I do.
50
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:08,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-
51
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,570
Cyril, we've got big problems.
52
00:02:34,738 --> 00:02:36,239
Well, it may seem
daunting now...
53
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:39,742
...but in the long run the HSA
makes a lot more sense than flex accounts.
54
00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:41,828
I don't mean the health plan.
55
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,705
Unless it covers
Wandering Eye Syndrome.
56
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:47,416
That depends on if that's a real thing.
57
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,378
Oh, it's very real. And Lana has it.
58
00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:51,963
Wait, what?
Cyril, I know...
59
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,549
...you saw how she looked
at Sterling last night.
60
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,551
Well, I think she was
just shaken up...
61
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,135
Stirred up, Cyril.
62
00:02:58,303 --> 00:03:01,514
In the loins.
You think her loins were stirring?
63
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:05,351
If not frothing.
Frothing? Great. What should I do?
64
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:11,023
We should make you into someone for
whom Lana's loins get equally frothy.
65
00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:14,193
And how exactly would we do that?
66
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:16,612
She's obviously attracted
to men of danger.
67
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:17,864
Like Archer.
Exactly.
68
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:21,117
The perfect field agent.
Who better to train you to become one?
69
00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:23,286
Archer train me? To be a field agent?
70
00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:24,620
He's already been briefed.
71
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:28,207
But only on the "what,"
mind you, not the "why."
72
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,543
No sense telling him it's about Lana...
73
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,420
Boy, wait till I tell her.
No.
74
00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:36,465
Cyril. Under no circumstance
is Lana to know about our little...
75
00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:39,302
...plan.
Right. I think. Oh.
76
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:41,470
But about plans: Health plan switchover?
Cyril.
77
00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:44,098
I'll take care of whatever that is.
78
00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,642
You just concentrate on your training.
79
00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:50,438
And Archer's really okay with this?
Oh, not at all.
80
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:53,649
Which is just gravy.
81
00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:56,944
No, I just let mother think that
because I know what she's up to...
82
00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:58,988
...vis-à-vis Cyril and Lana and me.
83
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,574
And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons.
84
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,118
Trust me, Mother's idea
of horizon-broadening...
85
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,578
...is a lot of fights...
86
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,331
...walking home from a lot
of jazz-tap lessons.
87
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,336
I so enjoy our talks. You got them?
88
00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:16,339
They're loaded and ready to go?
89
00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:20,676
Seriously, Krieger, you are my Oprah.
90
00:04:20,844 --> 00:04:23,971
So obviously I'm not happy
about this whole arrangement, but...
91
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,431
CYRIL:
But your mother is, so...
92
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,016
But I wonder what Lana thinks?
93
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,852
Oh, Lana's not need-to-know on this.
94
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,772
Wow, "open purse, remove balls" huh?
95
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,983
I'm sure it's not the first time
you kept a secret from Lana.
96
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,860
Uh... Hello. Herpes?
97
00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:39,987
You gave Lana herpes?
ARCHER: Ahem.
98
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:41,697
Hello, Cheryl.
It's Carol.
99
00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,115
What? Since when?
100
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,327
Since I had it legally changed
because you always call me Carol.
101
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,162
Wow, that's...
102
00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,289
Excuse us.
Ugh.
103
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:52,667
Okay, now what is this herpes business?
104
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,794
Sorry, bad joke. And a false alarm.
105
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,838
Lesson one, get used to that.
Should I be writing this down?
106
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,175
No. Never leave a paper trail.
That's lesson one.
107
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,843
So ditch this.
Hey, that's...
108
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,471
CHERYL: Ow! Jesus.
My dead mom's pen.
109
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:09,266
Cyril did that.
This is what a real field agent uses.
110
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,060
Huh. Point's a lot finer than I prefer.
111
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:13,562
That's because it's a hypodermic needle...
What?
112
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,691
...and the cartridge is full
of a deadly super-toxin called...
113
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,693
...Poizocaine.
114
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,611
Here. Keep it in here.
Uh... Hey, whoa.
115
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,738
Wait a minute.
But be careful.
116
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:25,366
The cap slips off for, like, no reason.
117
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:26,909
[HUMMING]
118
00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,577
Beep, beep, beep.
119
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,413
Oh, you giving me the truck noise...
120
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:34,000
...Karen Carpenter's stunt double?
I thought you were walking backwards.
121
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,002
It's all the HSA switchover crap.
122
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:39,422
I'm so over that lame flex account.
When does the HSA start?
123
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:41,924
When Cyril e-files these DD-14s.
124
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:44,343
Oh, Ms. Archer's taking care of those.
What?
125
00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:47,013
Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer.
126
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,682
I'm sorry, Cyril's off what?
With whom?
127
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,892
I think "somewhere"
was the "what" there.
128
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:55,021
"Mr. Archer" was the "whom."
Worlds collide, huh?
129
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,106
Inevitable for a serial workplace-dater.
130
00:05:57,274 --> 00:06:00,901
Oh. Yeah. Call the kettle black.
Ugh.
131
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:04,613
Did she just race-card me,
or are you totally just gay for her?
132
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:09,285
I'm the Human Resources Director,
Little Miss Hostile Work Environment.
133
00:06:09,453 --> 00:06:10,953
[WHISPERING]
She is riddled with herpes.
134
00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:14,623
Hey.
Inappropriate workplace topic.
135
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,792
And also a dealbreaker.
136
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,961
Lesson one: Human intel...
Oh, shoot.
137
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:21,422
I forgot about the DD-14s.
Screw them.
138
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:22,757
That's Mother's headache.
139
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,801
You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic?
140
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:29,305
Jesus Jones, yes.
So when I asked for cucumber slices...
141
00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:31,766
...which one of you idiots
sent up zucchini?
142
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:35,102
That, well, that would be...
That would be Jane who did that.
143
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,147
Scatterbrain Jane?
I know, she's just a mess.
144
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,483
Because this is obviously zucchini.
MALORY: Oh.
145
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:44,487
You'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't
wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.
146
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:46,489
What's that supposed to mean?
147
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,658
That is Pam, isn't it?
148
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,328
Okay, so,
human intelligence entails?
149
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:56,123
Well, there's false flags,
dead-drops, drop-outs, cut-outs...
150
00:06:56,291 --> 00:06:59,001
...active doubles, passive doubles,
dangled moles...
151
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,504
...the often under-appreciated honeypot?
152
00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:02,671
Wow.
One of my favorites.
153
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,258
That sounds like a lot to cover.
Yeah, so we may have to gloss over...
154
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:08,135
...almost all of it, but...
155
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,387
Aah!
Weapon.
156
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:11,680
Oh.
157
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:13,099
Oh, hey hon.
Hey back.
158
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,475
Hello.
What's...
159
00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:16,352
What's this?
Well, see...
160
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:17,603
...here's the thing...
161
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:21,190
MALORY: Under no circumstance is Lana
to know about our little...
162
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:22,775
...plan.
163
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,193
Here's what thing?
Okay.
164
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,486
Archer's DD-14.
Yeah.
165
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:28,155
That we're on our way down
to clear up with Jane.
166
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,532
Really?
Well...
167
00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:31,325
...you know Scatterbrain Jane.
Heh-heh.
168
00:07:31,493 --> 00:07:33,369
You're cooking dinner later?
Yes, I am.
169
00:07:33,537 --> 00:07:34,787
Yeah.
Yeah.
170
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,872
Speargun?
171
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:40,167
Oh. I can't believe I just did that.
Yeah, dunce.
172
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,669
Now Jane's a loose end.
173
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,588
Hey, Jane.
174
00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,715
You getting a snack?
175
00:07:46,883 --> 00:07:49,802
Keep your story vague.
That's lesson one.
176
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:53,347
But, I mean, morality aside, how
do you keep track of all these lies?
177
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:58,519
Practice, Cyril.
Lying is, like, 95 percent of what I do.
178
00:07:58,687 --> 00:07:59,854
In your job.
Sure.
179
00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:02,273
It was pretty cool how
you handled that speargun.
180
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,025
Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Will I get to learn karate?
181
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,695
Karate?
The Dane Cook of martial arts?
182
00:08:07,863 --> 00:08:10,531
No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
Krav?
183
00:08:10,699 --> 00:08:12,950
We've got an ex-Mossad guy,
he comes in Thursdays.
184
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:16,412
Neat.
Yeah. Tuesdays he does a spin class.
185
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:19,748
So will I need sweatpants?
Cyril. You need all new clothes.
186
00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,250
What's wrong with these?
187
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:22,877
[LAUGHS]
188
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:26,338
Sorry.
189
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:28,465
Oh.
190
00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,593
I was laughing at your clothes.
191
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:37,433
Wow, Archer, you were right.
A tailored suit hangs so much better.
192
00:08:37,601 --> 00:08:39,727
ARCHER:
That's because Woodhouse is a genius.
193
00:08:39,895 --> 00:08:42,897
Like so many other geniuses,
unappreciated in his life...
194
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,565
ARCHER:
Shut up and hem, you old fruit.
195
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:48,569
Speaking of fruit, sir.
Oh, sorry. Heh-heh.
196
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:51,488
Cyril, check this out.
CYRIL: Watch yourself.
197
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,783
Really?
Don't make it weird. It's your friend.
198
00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:57,203
And so's this baby.
Jeezy Petes.
199
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,996
It's a Chekhov. Russian-made.
200
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:02,082
.25 caliber.
When would you use an underwear-gun?
201
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:04,376
Hopefully never. But say you're...
202
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,087
...in a Caribbean bungalow
and you're kind of high.
203
00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:09,465
An exotic woman on the bed...
204
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:12,718
...now is she just the high-priced
whore you asked for?
205
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,012
Or is she an assassin?
I don't know. I...
206
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,222
[DOORBELL RINGS]
207
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,390
ARCHER: Here's room service.
Who ordered champagne?
208
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,892
CYRIL: How should I know.
ARCHER: Exactly.
209
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,393
You're baked, can't remember.
210
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,313
Since when does it take three
huge, surly Jamaican guys...
211
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,899
...to deliver one bottle of champagne?
CYRIL: Oh.
212
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,235
Because they're assassins too.
Or...
213
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:32,279
Maybe one guy's a new waiter,
the second one's training him...
214
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:35,991
...and the third's from maintenance,
finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC.
215
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,743
Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen.
216
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,496
Point is, you come out
of the john waving this around...
217
00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:42,748
...nobody's gonna bug you
for a tip. Here.
218
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,292
It's a gift.
Thanks, wow, that's slippery.
219
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:49,046
And the safety's off
so be careful, it could go off for, like...
220
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:50,297
...no reason.
221
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,258
Now what're these pills?
222
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:55,177
Oh, just antihistamines mostly.
223
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:59,306
You just rest, Ms. Archer.
We'll take care of these DD-14s for you.
224
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:02,351
Damn right you will. Idiot.
225
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,144
Pam, look at this.
226
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,939
Holy shitsnacks.
We have snacks?
227
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,857
Everybody's personal medical records.
228
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,443
No, we can't be looking at this.
MALORY: Are there snacks?
229
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,861
It's totally confidential.
230
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:14,738
It totally should be. Look at this.
231
00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:15,948
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
232
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,702
Cyril tried to get his plan
to cover a penis ensmallment?
233
00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:23,372
Who'd have thunk it?
I bet Agent Kane thunks it plenty.
234
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:24,873
You bet she does what?
Oh!
235
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,333
I bet she, uh... Oh.
236
00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,460
I got nothing.
That's what I thought.
237
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,379
You seen Cyril?
MALORY: Is that Lana?
238
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,089
Wow. What happened to you?
239
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:35,467
Scatterbrain Jane,
but let me just tell you, okay?
240
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,928
You should be thankful you have Cyril.
241
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,805
Well...
For about 12 reasons.
242
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,348
Well, thank you, Malory.
243
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:43,559
But if you don't mind,
I'd prefer to keep...
244
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:47,229
...my personal affairs out of the office.
Oh, please.
245
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:50,065
She's had more pens
in that company ink than...
246
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,484
...a pen store.
CHERYL: And yet...
247
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:54,903
...does not have herpes.
248
00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:59,033
Dealunbreaker.
Ugh.
249
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,744
What's the matter, baby?
Afraid you'll catch something?
250
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:05,331
No, it's not that. I've just
never been this close to a...
251
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,541
Call girl. It's not an insult, Cyril.
252
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,501
Trinette takes pride in her work.
253
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,753
I really do.
Okay.
254
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,338
So come on budge in.
Uhn.
255
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,215
Gosh, yeah.
Now that's not so bad, is it?
256
00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:17,509
Ha-ha-ha.
No. That feels pretty good.
257
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,679
I can tell. You are gifted.
Okay.
258
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,182
God, it's just his gun, Trinette.
CYRIL: Sorry.
259
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:24,933
Bet this seems pretty weird.
260
00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,603
Oh, please.
The sick shit I've done in this apartment?
261
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,813
Okay.
And that wasn't all gun, neither.
262
00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:31,106
Ha-ha. No, ma'am.
263
00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:34,777
Hey, can you two focus? Please?
Woodhouse. Are you ready, or what?
264
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:38,781
Yes, quite ready sir.
Though not entirely willing.
265
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:42,201
Yeah, and I don't know if I am, either...
Could have fooled me.
266
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,410
ARCHER: Hey.
Oh, Trinette.
267
00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:45,412
It's perfectly safe. You're tangoing...
268
00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:48,791
...then your trained field agent eyes
spot two threats.
269
00:11:48,958 --> 00:11:51,418
But they're not trained.
We haven't done this yet.
270
00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:53,379
This is how you train them. So.
271
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,173
You spot your first threat. Woodhouse.
Ooh. Hoo.
272
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,758
My knees aren't...
Bam, bam, bam.
273
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:01,136
You put him down. But just shoot
the pad, not Woodhouse.
274
00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:02,971
Like, actually shoot the gun?
ARCHER: Then.
275
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,432
How else are you gonna learn?
Okay, he's down...
276
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,851
...just the pad.
Then you see the second threat.
277
00:12:08,019 --> 00:12:10,479
Oh, no, you're out of ammo.
What are you gonna do?
278
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:12,314
Oh, that's where the turn comes in?
279
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,108
Duh. Woodhouse. Get in position.
280
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,068
I really need a better health plan.
281
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:20,322
Shut up. Weapon is hot
and live fire exercise...
282
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,991
...in five, six, seven, eight.
283
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:27,746
Tango, tango, tango. Scan
the ballroom of the Cuban embassy...
284
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,998
...for the agent
you're supposed to meet.
285
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:33,001
You're just some Canadian dude
down here on business...
286
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,587
...and threat. Woodhouse.
Yes.
287
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,339
Cyril. Shoot.
Oh, oh.
288
00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,925
Aah!
Shoot, bitch. Democracy's at stake.
289
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:43,053
Oh! Take that, forces of evil.
Heh. Ooh.
290
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,681
Whoa.
Way to go, baby. You hit it.
291
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:48,183
Yeah. I did, didn't I?
292
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:50,185
Second threat.
Oh. Right, I forgot about...
293
00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:51,854
Second threat.
CYRIL: Jesus.
294
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:55,023
Ow! Christ on sale.
CYRIL: Jesus.
295
00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:57,317
Yeah, Cyril. That was totally ninja.
296
00:12:57,485 --> 00:13:00,362
No, Archer. That was totally uncool.
297
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,030
Sorry, Trinette, did that hurt?
298
00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:05,033
Yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot.
It's ice.
299
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:08,537
Okay, we'll use grapes.
We've only lingonberries, sir.
300
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,372
Ballistically similar to grapes?
301
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:14,001
Screw your grapes and screw your
whatever-berries, I am out of here.
302
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:16,628
No, wait. Trinette, please, I...
Spying ass bastards.
303
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,381
Please my fat Irish ass. Ow!
Ooh.
304
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,383
What the hell's
in your freaking pocket?
305
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:22,885
Um...
306
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,053
Ha.
Oh. Oh.
307
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,139
I don't feel so good.
308
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,724
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
309
00:13:28,892 --> 00:13:30,225
CYRIL:
Me neither.
310
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:33,187
And voicemail again. Huh.
311
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:37,399
So, it's me. Duh. And did you say
you'd cook, or did I mishear that?
312
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:41,236
I know I misheard you about Jane,
because turns out, I ran into her.
313
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,406
Hey, Jane.
314
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,742
You getting a tampon?
315
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:48,076
Yeah. Loose end.
316
00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,537
But I'm sure you had a good reason
to lie to me...
317
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:52,956
...so can't wait to hear what it was.
318
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:56,418
Oh, my God, you killed a hooker.
Call girl.
319
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,669
She was a...
No, Cyril.
320
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,755
When they're dead they're just hookers.
321
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:03,258
God, I said the cap slips
off the poison pen for no reason.
322
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:05,093
I know, but I just assumed...
323
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,845
...that if anything bad happened...
324
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:11,683
No. Do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril.
That, sir, is a facile argument.
325
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,894
And also woefully esoteric.
326
00:14:14,062 --> 00:14:15,771
Woodhouse.
Fetching a rug, sir.
327
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:18,607
Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril?
328
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,609
No. No, I'm not happy.
329
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,569
Well, guess what. Me neither.
330
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:26,406
I mean, big picture,
I wouldn't say I'm a happy person.
331
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,784
Sir. I have fetched the rug.
332
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,744
Plus now I'm out a rug.
333
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:36,375
Oh, God.
I should never have agreed to this.
334
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:39,795
You and your stupid mother
and her stupid frothing loins.
335
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:44,550
Hey. I know you're upset, but if you
ever mention my mother's loins...
336
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:46,802
...or their frothiness, to me again...
337
00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:50,806
...I don't know what I'll do,
but it will be bad.
338
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,935
Now let's go bury this dead hooker.
339
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:58,480
Shirt tails. We need a password.
340
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:00,023
Hang on a second.
MALORY: Ha-ha-ha.
341
00:15:00,191 --> 00:15:01,400
How you doing, Ms. Archer?
342
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:02,985
I am good.
343
00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,779
Okay, try... Okay, try "guest."
MALORY: Real good.
344
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:08,782
Well, that's just idi... Oh, my God.
345
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:13,287
I know, right? So here let's make
the co-pay zero, and the deductible...
346
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,455
Super high, right?
No, low.
347
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,499
You want the lowest deductible.
348
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:20,002
But don't you deduct it
on your taxes or something?
349
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,503
Wow.
So you want more?
350
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,297
And people think Jane's stupid.
351
00:15:23,464 --> 00:15:26,008
Speaking of, it's probably better...
352
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,802
...if Jane was the last one to log in.
353
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:31,680
You are a bitch.
354
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:33,181
I am not. What?
355
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:37,144
Because I don't want Sterling to end up
with a woman like Lana Kane?
356
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:39,354
My God, a black...
357
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,648
...ops field agent?
358
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:44,860
Thought she was going in a whole
other direction with that.
359
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:47,446
Because let me tell you,
I was black ops.
360
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:52,200
And that does not for a young boy
a very merry Christmas make.
361
00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:55,537
Ajax a success, Teheran is ours, stop.
362
00:15:55,705 --> 00:15:59,207
Merry X-mas from Mommy
and Uncle Kermit, stop.
363
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:02,711
Also, be nicer to Woodhouse, stop.
364
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:06,340
You made up the last part, didn't you?
I did, sir.
365
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:07,633
Douche.
366
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,801
Oh, my God.
I know, right?
367
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:13,055
This is the most kickass health plan ever.
368
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:15,474
And I think I just had a flashback, so...
369
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,852
...these antihistamines are insane.
370
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:22,898
Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one
who killed a perfectly good hooker.
371
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,150
By accident. We could explain.
372
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,486
To who, Cyril? The cops? Lana?
373
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,489
She'd never forgive me.
Archer, my life is ruined.
374
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,282
And all because Mother cooked up...
375
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,284
...this stupid plan...
But I just...
376
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:37,537
...to make you an agent
just to impress Lana. Ironic, isn't it?
377
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,581
I'm not sure that's technically irony.
378
00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:43,960
What? This is like O. Henry
and Alanis Morissette had a baby...
379
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,672
...and named it this exact situation.
380
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,964
No, it's...
Yes, it is.
381
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:51,843
Because a man like you, Cyril,
doesn't deserve a woman like Lana.
382
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,136
You...
383
00:16:53,304 --> 00:16:58,183
You butthole. You set this all up,
just to drive me and Lana apart.
384
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,269
Well?
Screw you, Archer.
385
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:03,980
Hey. Hostile work environment.
386
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:07,484
Exactly. And I'm gonna file
a hostile work environment lawsuit...
387
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,362
...against you, and your mother,
and ISIS, and...
388
00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:12,531
What? Who the hell is that?
389
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,117
Your confederates in Operation Butthole.
Cyril.
390
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,536
Those aren't my confederates.
Well, nice try...
391
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,371
...but Cyril Figgis ain't buying it.
392
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,082
You hear that? I ain't buying it.
Cyril.
393
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,626
CYRIL: Oh, my God.
ARCHER: How about now, Cyril?
394
00:17:24,794 --> 00:17:26,753
Are you feeling ready to buy?
395
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:30,799
To Scatterbrain Jane.
396
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:33,218
And to plan-covered elective surgery.
397
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:36,221
And the boob job. That you so need.
398
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,974
And the ass-reduction you so need.
399
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:40,684
And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need.
400
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:41,893
[GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE]
401
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,312
Oh, my God, did you hear that?
What do you think it is?
402
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,314
Immigrants.
That's how they do, you know?
403
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:50,485
Just drive around, listening to raps
and shooting all the jobs.
404
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,030
Then who are those guys?
How should I know?
405
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:58,493
KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path,
this guy I know named Popeye?
406
00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,745
I have enemies, okay?
407
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,913
That's because no one likes you.
What?
408
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,832
Seriously, do you not sense that?
409
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,585
I am a product of my upbringing, Cyril.
410
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,170
Well, I was a single mother.
411
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:11,673
And it's a big dangerous world out there.
412
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,176
Are you idiots still even here?
413
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,969
So why aren't you better at this?
414
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:19,514
I am the best at this, Rain Man,
okay? I'm like...
415
00:18:19,682 --> 00:18:21,308
CYRIL:
Who? James Bond?
416
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,602
Well, I don't like
to invite that comparison.
417
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,937
But yeah, basically.
So do something.
418
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,524
I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril.
I'm shooting the gun, see?
419
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:32,194
I'm driving the car.
I could drive better than that.
420
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,362
So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.
421
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:36,364
No, you are not.
Yes, I am totally am.
422
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,033
Stop it. No.
No.
423
00:18:38,201 --> 00:18:41,453
Grenades in the glove box.
Drive me and the hooker to safety or...
424
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:43,079
LANA: Excuse me.
Lana?
425
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:45,707
Yeah, I'm looking for two guys.
426
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,210
They're on their way to the morgue?
427
00:18:51,047 --> 00:18:52,923
Great.
Archer, what am I gonna tell her?
428
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:55,926
Well, if you learned anything today,
it won't be the truth.
429
00:18:56,219 --> 00:18:59,012
I don't care if you have
50 dead hookers in the trunk...
430
00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:00,514
...you lied to me.
431
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:02,182
Did not learn anything.
432
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:05,393
Well, you shot a machine gun at me.
Around you.
433
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,354
Because my feelings were hurt.
Well...
434
00:19:07,522 --> 00:19:09,064
Why on earth would you lie to me?
435
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,149
I just wanted to show you
I could be...
436
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,693
...a supercool ISIS field agent
like Archer, but...
437
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,404
But baby, don't you know I...
438
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,740
...like you so much...
439
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,409
...because you're exactly the opposite
of Archer?
440
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,496
Well, yeah, but...
Not to mention your other qualities.
441
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:27,666
Oh, you are such a naughty Nelly.
442
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:31,711
He just gets a pass? Like Milton Berle?
CYRIL: Yep.
443
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,923
Hey, so how did you know where I was?
444
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:37,008
When we first started going out...
445
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:40,178
...I may have injected
a tracking device into your body.
446
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,973
In my body? No, no.
Now, that is a breach of trust, Lana.
447
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:46,101
Do you really wanna open
this can of trust-breachy worms...
448
00:19:46,269 --> 00:19:50,605
...right after I caught you and my
ex-boyfriend with a hooker in the trunk?
449
00:19:51,315 --> 00:19:52,691
I do not.
You do not.
450
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:56,778
Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic?
451
00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:01,366
You know what? I don't have a "one to
some other number of douchebags" scale.
452
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,786
So, six? Oh, my God, Trinette.
453
00:20:04,954 --> 00:20:07,455
Yeah, Trinette, you shitass.
454
00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,708
So you know you have to be punished.
Yes.
455
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,960
You're gonna walk into our video store...
456
00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:13,587
With the sweet old Korean lady.
457
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:17,966
- And buy the nastiest, barebackinest,
hard dickinest, ball splapiest...
458
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:20,302
...interracial porno in there.
459
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:22,053
From the sweet old Korean lady?
460
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:24,389
Yep. How you feel about that?
461
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:28,143
Like I got off pretty easy.
Night ain't over yet.
462
00:20:28,311 --> 00:20:30,312
Throw me in a trunk?
Not part of the plan.
463
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:32,522
Inject me with some crazy spy poison?
464
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:35,108
It was just a harmless tranquilizer.
You shitass.
465
00:20:35,276 --> 00:20:38,486
I mean, let's be honest, I doubt
that's the first needle you ever...
466
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:41,156
Ow!
I never. Give me your wallet.
467
00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:42,449
I already paid you.
468
00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:46,328
File a customer service complaint.
I'm sure Popeye'd love to hear it.
469
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,955
Hey, come on, you wouldn't tell Popeye.
470
00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:50,498
Oh, watch me.
471
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:53,293
Oh. Give me your watch.
You know how much this thing costs?
472
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:55,337
Probably less
than a new set of kneecaps.
473
00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:58,590
There. Happy?
Almost.
474
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:04,012
You know, I bet there's a lesson
to be learned from all this.
475
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:07,474
But I... Oh, shit, my rug.
476
00:21:30,581 --> 00:21:31,581
[English - US - PSDH]
476
00:21:32,305 --> 00:22:32,310
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