All language subtitles for 30 - The Indian Affairs Affair

(audience lightly laughing)

Lucy, what are you doing?

Honey, remember what you said to me
the first time you met me?

I sure do.

I said you were a cute little
chicken.

Well, I got something to tell you

about this cute little "shicken"--

she has crow's-feet.

You do not.

You don't even know what crow's-feet
are.

I do, too.

They're like pigeon toes.

No, they're little lines around the
eyes.

Come here, look.

See?

Oh, honey, are you kidding?

You're beautiful.

Aw, you're just being nice, Ricky.

I am not.

It doesn't really bother me.

I knew the day would come when I'd
have crow's-feet

and your hairline started to recede

but I just didn't expect it so soon

that's all.

But if you say I'm beautiful, I'll
take your word for it.

Because after all, you're the only
one I have to please.

All you have to do to make me happy

is say that you still love me-- do
you?

My hairline is starting to recede,
huh?

Oh, honey, that's just a figure of
speech.

You haven't got anything to worry
about.

Oh, I have, too.

I'm starting to lose my hair.

Ricky, don't be ridiculous.

My hairline is receding.

Look, honey, look.

Are you crazy?

You should have as much money as you
have hair.

Well, I'm sure this much of my
forehead didn't show before.

You're not serious.

If your hairline was any lower

they'd have to bill you

as "Ricky Ricardo, Boy Sheepdog."

Well, it's thick enough on top

but gee, that hairline.

Oh, so your hairline has receded

a quarter of an inch.

So what?

Quarter of an inch?

Do you think it's that much?

And they say women are vain.

Vanity has nothing to do with this.

I'm only thinking of my career.

Oh.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

Well, you'd make a nice fountain.

What are you doing?

I think it's getting thin in the
back, right here.

It's getting thin back here in the
back.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Come on to bed, baldy.

"Baldy."

Ay, que barbaridad.

Tiene razon.

Se me va a caer el pelo y me va a
llamar "Baldy".

Como la aguila americana.

Stop muttering in Spanish.

I refuse.

I won't do it.

I will not get bald!

Well, don't talk to me.

Speak to your scalp.

Look, you're not losing your hair

and even if you were

there's nothing you can do about it.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Worrying won't do it any good.

Certainly not.

Yeah.

Good night, darling.

I wonder how I'd look without any
hair.

Ricky, good night.

Oh... oh.

Good night.

Good night, honey.

(audience laughing)

No, no, no.

(gasps)

Ricky, breakfast is ready, dear!

RICKY: Coming!

Well, you are in a hurry.

What are you wearing your...

What's the matter?

You're afraid I'll steal it?

No.

Well, what are you wearing your hat
for?

I thought it might rain.

Well, now that you mention it

the ceiling does look pretty cloudy.

My head was cold.

Oh.

Besides, you never can tell

when the plaster might fall down.

All right, all right, I'm not asking
you.

You got any jam?

Yep.

(audience laughing)

Lucy, I want...

And what's the big idea of that?

You're right

the ceiling doesn't look any too
safe.

Is my toast ready?

Coming up.

(audience laughing, applause)

Honey, take off your hat.

I feel like I'm having breakfast in a
beanery.

Well, what are you wearing your hat
for, anyway?

Well, so I won't get embarrassed

with everybody staring at my receding
hairline.

Oh, I give up.

And please, no more jokes about it.

This is a serious matter.

All right, who's making jokes?

I'll see you later.

(audience laughing)

Hi.

Hi, Luc.

Hi.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, I was just thinking about Ricky.

He's off on a new kick.

He thinks he's getting bald.

Ricky?

Bald?

Yeah, he actually thinks his hairline
is receding.

He wore a hat at breakfast.

Wait a minute.

It's no laughing matter, Ethel.

I can understand how he feels

now that my hairline has started to
recede.

Aw, honey, your hairline isn't
starting to recede.

Let me see.

Turn around.

Never mind, I got plenty hair.

It comes way down over my eyes.

Yeah, you better cut it.

People will think you're a girl.

Very comical.

Oh, Lucy, you're kidding about Ricky.

Why, he's got lots of hair.

I know it, but he's got this crazy
idea

and he believes it.

I got to snap him out of it somehow.

How?

Well, I thought maybe I'd invite
someone over

that was really bald

just to point up the comparisons.

Mmm-- that's a good idea.

FRED: Yeah.

Now, who do we know that's bald?

Yeah.

Fred, would you, uh...

Would I what?

Would you like a cup of coffee?

No, thanks.

(laughing bitterly)

What are you laughing at, Curly?

I was just thinking of what Lucy's in
for.

What?

Well, Ricky will start trying

one hair-restoring treatment after
another

just like every other man

when he thinks he's getting bald.

What kind of treatments?

Well, you wouldn't believe some of
them.

Massagers, tonics, poultices

scalp scrapers, suction devices

freezing the scalp, burning the
scalp.

Why, a man will try anything if he
thinks he's losing his hair.

Fred, you've given me an idea.

I'm going to give Ricky scalp
treatments.

And they're going to be so drastic

that he'd be glad to forget the whole
thing.

FRED: It won't work.

Why not?

Nothing has ever been invented that a
man won't try

if he thinks he can get his hair
back.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you haven't heard

of the Lucy Ricardo torture system of
hair restoring.

(clears throat)

Oh.

How do you do?

How do you do?

I'm Mr. Thurlow, may I help you?

Yes, I'd like to get some
preparations

that will grow hair.

I see-- won't you sit down?

Thank you.

What are you looking at me like that
for?

Oh, it's nothing, nothing.

Now, what did you have in mind?

Well, my husband thinks that he's
losing his hair

and I'd like to get several kinds of
preparations.

I see, Mrs....?

Ricardo.

Mrs. Ricardo, every case that comes
to my attention

requires its own special treatment.

Now, I can't do anything

unless you're willing to be frank
with me.

Just how bald are you?

Well...

Me?

It isn't me.

It's my husband.

Oh, your husband, yes.

Of course.

Of all the nerve.

You think I actually came in here

to buy all these things for myself?

Oh, no, no, no.

Farthest thought from my mind.

Well, that's better.

But...

But what?

Well...

You could at least let me show you

a more realistic- looking wig than
that.

Wig?

This is my own hair.

Oh, come now.

Well, it is-- see?

I beg your pardon.

My goodness, so it is.

Now, if you don't mind, would you
please show me

some of those hair-growing things?

What would you like?

We have ointments, salves, creams,
tonics, scrapers

vibrators, suction devices and
agitators.

Would you like me to demonstrate
them?

No, you just pick out some for me.

Yes, madam.

Um...

Pick out the ones that smell the
worst and hurt the most.

Yes, madam.

Well, I've been waiting for you to
call me.

How did the torture treatment work?

Ethel, I just didn't have the nerve
to do it to him.

You should have seen some of the
things I was going to use.

Awful, huh?

Yeah, there must be some less drastic
way

to snap him out of it.

Well, I still say your original idea
was a good one.

What was that?

Surround him with people who are
really bald

and make him realize how much hair he
has.

Bald people-- a lot of them.

Yeah, that might work.

I'm going to give a party

and everybody there is going to be as
bald as a billiard ball.

Will you help me?

You don't expect me to shave my head,
do you?

No.

I wonder how many bald-headed men we
know?

I want this place looking like a sea
of honeydew melons.

Well, I can ask Fred and...

Wait a minute.

Why didn't I think of this before?

I know a man who can put his finger

on a hundred bald heads.

Who?

Mr. Thurlow, the hair-restorer man.

Hi.

Hi.

Lucy, don't count on Fred.

He's not coming to your bald-headed
party.

Why not?

When I asked him, he got highly
insulted

and stalked out of the room

and I haven't seen him since.

Aw, too bad.

Well, I guess we'll have enough
without him.

Can I help you with anything?

Yeah, honey, put some of those around
for me, will you?

Okay.

How did Mr. Thurlow get all those men

to come here tonight, anyway?

Well, it seems that they all took
treatments

at the same time

and he told them it was a class
reunion.

Ah, bless their little bald heads.

(doorbell buzzes)

There they are.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Thurlow.

Good evening, Mrs. Ricardo.

Come in, gentlemen.

May I present Mr. Johnson

Mr. Miller and Mr. Davis.

LUCY: How do you do?

And this is Mrs. Mertz, Mr. Thurlow.

ETHEL: How do you do?

THURLOW: How do you do?

Mr. Johnson, Mr. Miller and Mr.
Davis.

ETHEL: How do you do?

There are six more coming.

Oh, fine, fine.

May I take your hats, gentlemen?

Mrs. Ricardo...

I had a tough time

getting the boys to come.

I had to promise you'd give them
dinner.

Dinner?

Oh, well, I guess we can take them
out somewhere.

And I had to promise

you'd give them each ten dollars.

Ten dollars?

And there are six more coming?

$90?

Gee whiz.

Well, we do have $100

that we keep for emergencies.

Well, I guess this is an emergency.

Pardon me.

There you are, $90.

Thank you, Mrs. Ricardo.

Okay, boys, let me have your hats.

There you are.

Mr. Thurlow!

Well, business hasn't been so good
lately.

I need the ten bucks.

Thank you.

Sit down, gentlemen.

All I can say is this better work.

(doorbell buzzes)

Oh, Fred.

Come on in.

Hello, Lucy.

Gee, I'm so glad you could come.

Good old Fred.

He always comes through in a pinch.

Aw, shucks.

Could I have your hat, Fred?

Yes, ma'am.

(audience laughing)

Well, I guess that evens things up.

(phone rings)

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi, honey.

LUCY (on telephone): Hi.

I won't be able to get home.

I got a lot of work to do.

Oh, honey.

Can't you just get home for a minute?

RICKY: What for?

Well, I have a new treatment

I want to try on you for baldness.

Well, it'll just have to wait.

But it can't wait.

It's a very expensive treatment.

Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart, but I
got a lot of work to do.

I'll see you later, good-bye.

Is he coming home?

No, darn it.

This is what I get for being so
softhearted.

It cost me a hundred bucks.

What now?

Torture system, here I come.

RICKY: Lucy!

I'm in here, dear, in the kitchen.

(audience laughing)

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Oh, a beret.

Say, you look very continental.

Yeah.

What's all this stuff?

Well, I went down to one of those

hair-restoring places today

and I am going to give you scalp
treatments

to make your hair grow back.

Scalp treatments?

Yeah.

Do you think these things really
work?

They're guaranteed.

Yeah?

Yeah. Come on, sit down.

Let's get started.

All right.

Your roots won't know what hit them.

There we are.

Now, you just relax.

There, now...

First we're going to wake up your
scalp

with a stimulating vibration.

(vibrator whirs)

Honey... cut it out, will you?

Now, honey, you want to grow hair,
don't you?

Yeah, yeah.

Makes your whole scalp tingle,
doesn't it?

Yeah, my head feels like it's on
fire.

Good, that means we got your scalp on
the run.

Now for a little brush job.

(brush whirring)

Are you sure you know what you're
doing?

Yes, I read all the instructions.

Now, this is the one that really does
the trick.

(audience laughing)

Honey, my eyes.

I don't...

My eyebrows are all right.

I don't need any hair there.

There, I think we're making progress.

Your scalp has a nice, red, healthy-
looking glow.

You sure it isn't blood?

Oh.

Here, try this on for size.

What's this for?

To cover the mustard plaster.

The mustard plaster?

Yeah, after you get the mustard
plaster on

you wear the stocking to bed.

I wear the stocking to bed?

Yeah.

Well, I don't get it, but I'll do it.

(audience laughing)

Oh, honey!

Not on your foot, on your head.

On my head?

Yes.

The next part of this treatment is
very gooey.

After I get the mustard plaster on
your head

you wear a stocking over it all
night.

Oh... oh, I didn't know.

Honey, it's awfully tight.

Well, I'm sorry, that's the biggest
stocking I could find.

(shouts)

Honey, take it off!

Take it off!

I'm only doing what you told me to
do.

Now, never mind.

You wear it on top like a cap.

I'll fix it later.

Here, now, you hold onto that.

Leave that right there now.

Put your neck in here and hold onto
the bowl.

Put your head over.

What are you putting on now?

Oil, to lubricate your scalp.

Oh.

What's that?

Vinegar, to marinate your scalp.

Eggs?

Honey...

What are you doing now?

Mixing in the egg.

Oil, vinegar, eggs...

Why don't you put some anchovies,
make a Caesar salad?

(audience laughing)

What is that?

What are you doing?

What is that?

(audience exclaims)

Hey!

Hey!

What is that?

What are you doing?

What's that you're doing now?

What's that for?

That's a heat cap.

What's that you put on now?

It's a heat cap, you have to bake for
20 minutes.

Is that the end of the treatment?

Yeah, that's it, but we have to do
that

every other night for six months.

Six months, huh?

Yeah, how about that?

Well... you know something?

What?

My scalp is tingling.

I can feel something happening
already.

Yeah? Well, you have to do it every
other night, you know.

I think we ought to do it every
night.

What?

Then my hair will grow in faster.

Oh, no.

Captioned by Media Access Group at
WGBH access.wgbh.org

Mr. Thurlow was played by Milton
Parsons.