Original subtitles

(LOUD WHIRRING)

Hey, Calvin.

I can't hear you.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

I still can't hear you, but no.

Please?

(SHUTS BLOWER OFF)

Yeah, man. What's up?

So, our anniversary is coming up.

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave,

we've only known each other for two months.

Well, I was talking about me and Gemma.

Besides, our man-iversary isn't until the fifth.

So, how are you two celebrating?

You know, Gemma's under a lot of pressure with the new job

and still getting used to living here,

so I want to do something really special for her.

Like the time you tried to take me to a Renaissance fair?

You would've had fun, Milord.

Anyway, look,

I'm having a box of her favorite cupcakes flown in from Michigan.

I got a fancy bottle of champagne.

I even may have choreographed a little dance number for her.

You know, like Magic Mike.

I'm guessing more like Tragic Dave.

I-I just really want to help her put everything aside

for one night,

just try to get Gemma to relax.

Oh. Yeah, I get it.

You're not getting sex.

Well, y...

You know how things can slow down

when you get busy and with the kids.

No, Dave, I don't.

You're gonna tell me you and Tina never had a dry spell?

(CHUCKLING): Dave. Dave.

In-in the Butler household,

it's like monsoon season all-year-round, bud.

So, what's your secret?

Well, damn, Dave.

Check it out.

You know?

I maintain my sexy, you know?

Well, you know, I keep it sexy, too.

A lot of people say I look just like Tom Cruise.

Yeah.

Yeah, a'ight. Yeah.

Anyway, look, I-I planned the perfect night.

There's just one problem.

We need to find someone to watch Grover.

Well, why don't you get a babysitter?

Well, we would, but since we moved, we haven't found anyone.

You know, back in Michigan, we knew all our neighbors

and felt comfortable leaving him with them. But...

the only neighbors we know here

are you guys.

Oh. Okay, say no more.

I got the answer to your problem.

Oh, Calvin, thank you so, so much.

Move back to Michigan.

(WHIRRING) Let's go, baby.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

(KNOCKING)

(EXHALES)

- Oh. Hey, Tina. - Hey, Gemma. You busy?

Ugh, actually, I'm swamped.

- I brought wine. - I could use a break.

Wow. Look at all this paperwork.

No wonder you're looking like the Apocalypse Barbie.

I just have so much to do.

I have to finish

teacher evaluations,

go through grant proposals,

and get ready for a visit from the superintendent.

Damn, that's stressful. I always thought principal was like

a figurehead position, you know?

Like the queen.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't think the queen wears the same bra five days in a row.

No wonder you and Dave are going through a slump in your bedroom.

Wha...

Where did you hear that?

Dave told Calvin.

Why would he tell him?

You've been wearing the same damn bra for five days, Gemma!

And, besides, I mean, he asked us to babysit Grover

so he can take you out for your anniversary.

Oh, my God.

Our anniversary.

I can't believe I forgot.

You forgot your anniversary?

What are you, a man?

It's just, things have been so crazy at work,

and Grover's still adjusting to the move.

He's even started sleeping in our bed.

Ooh, is Dave okay with that?

Let me ask you this. You-you're still attracted to Dave, right?

Are you kidding?

You've seen him.

He looks exactly like Tom Cruise.

Yeah. All right.

Besides, come on, everyone goes through lulls.

- (SCOFFS) - Look,

let us take Grover so you guys can go out and celebrate.

That is so nice of you. Thank you.

You are welcome. (CHUCKLES)

So, you and Calvin really never have any lulls?

No.

I mean, you've seen him.

That man maintains his sexy.

Mm.

All right.

- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Ooh, that must be Grover.

Malcolm, get the door.

I still don't know how you convinced me to do this.

Oh, you know.

(CHUCKLING)

Hey, guys. Come on in.

Hey. Thank you so much for taking Grover overnight. Oh.

You don't know how important this is to us.

Okay. Okay, Dave,

save some for your wife, okay?

Now, sweetie, everything's gonna be just fine.

If you need anything, you ask Miss Tina.

And if you get scared, don't worry,

because Mommy is gonna be right next door.

'Kay. Bye.

Okay, I think he's good.

Let's make like Tom and cruise.

Oh, oh. Um,

wait, before we go, everything he needs is in this bag:

his blanket, his nightlight,

and his rosemary eucalyptus candle

that'll help him fall asleep.

Time is a-wastin'.

I think The Firm is about to premiere,

if you know what I mean.

I do.

(SNIFFS) This is a nice candle.

We're gonna keep this for ourselves.

DAVE: Are you ready?

Ready.

("OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL" BY BOB SEGER PLAYING)

(GASPS)

Ow!

Oh, my God!

I think I may have over-waxed the floor.

Well,

for what it's worth,

I think you're hotter than Tom Cruise.

Thanks, babe.

I think you're hotter than Tom Cruise, too.

(LAUGHS)

- I love you. - I love you.

- (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh, let me check that.

It might be Grover.

Hmm. Or maybe it's not.

Uh, actually, it's about work. Hold on.

Let me just respond real quick.

Okay, yeah. Sure.

Oh, that is so great.

Anything I can do to help you relax.

Oh, no, I was talking about this grant approval.

Okay, you know, s-since it's our anniversary,

maybe we put the phone down and we-we focus on each other.

You're right. You're right. I'm sorry.

Here you go.

To our anniversary.

And our new home.

And our first night alone in it without Grover.

- Aw, Grover. - No, no.

No, tonight is just about us.

I-I didn't mean to mention Grover.

Pretend you didn't hear that. Pretend he doesn't exist.

- Dave! - No!

Look, of course he exists.

We love him. He's here with us.

But, at the same time, he's not, like a ghost.

That's it. I'm gonna go check on him.

Okay, no. Gemma, look.

Look, I'm-I'm...

I'm sorry.

Can't we just have this night together?

It's our anniversary.

I miss you.

Aw. I miss you, too.

Okay, great.

'Cause I have another surprise for you.

Is it trying to juggle bottles like in Cocktail?

Because, last time, I wound up in the emergency room.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God! Are those what I think they are?!

Your favorite Michigan cherry cupcakes,

shipped fresh today,

all the way from Kalamazoo.

(SQUEALS) I love these!

Grover and I used to eat them all the time.

Now, Grover, when the boys were young,

we used to go around the table and say what we're thankful for.

So, I'll go first.

I am thankful that you are our guest this evening.

Uh, I am thankful for Star Wars.

Not the prequels.

Those hurt my heart.

Well, now that they have a black hero,

I'm thankful for Star Wars, too.

"Now"? What do you mean "now"?

Empire Strikes Back, Lando Calrissian?

You ain't got no love for Billy Dee?

All right, all right.

Listen up, you two.

I'm-a tell you what I'm thankful for.

My vasectomy. That's what I'm thankful for.

And family. And family.

Um, Grover, what are you thankful for, baby?

Chicken fingers.

Can I have some?

Well, actually, I made catfish tonight.

CALVIN: Yes.

And the rule in our house is that everyone eats

what Miss Tina cooks.

Well, can you ask Miss Tina to cook some chicken fingers?

Well, we don't have that.

But I could probably whip you up something real quick.

What do you like?

Maybe some spaghetti?

Got that.

With chicken fingers.

CALVIN: Look, Grover,

you're gonna eat your catfish with the rest of us,

and I bet you're gonna like it.

I'll take that bet.

Now, listen, little man,

there are starving children all around the world

who would love a piece of that delicious catfish.

You're right. We should give it to one of them.

Coming to a hotel was such a good idea.

But are you sure we can afford it?

Even if it costs all the money in the world,

for you, it's worth it.

Aw.

Besides, I used miles, reward points,

and I got a senior discount.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

As soon as we get upstairs, I am gonna put on

one of those fuzzy robes, run a bath,

and eat $20 chocolates from the minibar.

And then we're gonna have sex?

And then we're gonna have sex.

Yes!

(CLUNK, POWER WHIRRING DOWN)

No!

WOMAN (OVER P.A.): Due to renovations,

we are experiencing a power outage.

Please stand by.

And thank you for your patience.

Renovations?

Yeah.

That's another reason we got a discount.

I knew we should have stayed home.

Okay, babe, look, relax.

How can I relax?

Oh, my God.

I don't have service.

Grover could be calling me.

People could be texting about work,

and here I am trapped in a metal cage,

ten stories up, waiting to plunge to my death.

First of all, we haven't left the lobby.

Second, I'm sure everything is perfectly fine,

especially Grover.

Boy, you gonna sit here all night.

I don't care if you starve.

Who's ready for some cobbler?

Oh, you know I am.

Why do you think I wore my "eatin'" pants today?

I'll get the ice cream.

Hold up.

Cobbler a la mode?

Okay. I'm just gonna lose this drawstring altogether.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

What do you think you're doing, little man?

Having dessert, big man.

No. No.

(CHUCKLES)

Under this roof, you don't get dessert

until you finish your dinner.

Why?

Because I said so.

Welcome to Shawshank.

But why is that the rule?

Oh, you need a deeper explanation of the rules.

All righty, not a problem.

Um, the reason is...

because I said so.

That's it.

But that's not an answer.

Excuse me?

At my house, when I ask questions,

my parents give me real answers.

Long answers.

Really long answers.

Well, at my house, "because I said so"

is the longest answer you're gonna get.

Got it. One more question.

Why?

You see, Grover,

ever since we were your age,

it's been my dad's way or the highway.

This one time, I asked him if I could move

my 9:00 bedtime to 10:00.

And tell Grover what happened.

It got pushed up to 8:00.

You know, Pop, instead of being a dictator,

maybe you should try seeing things

from other people's perspectives.

Ooh, look. It's almost 8:00.

Malcolm, you might want to get ready for bed.

Do you see what I mean?

You know, maybe what this house needs is a little

civil disobedience.

Grover,

you do not have to eat that,

and neither do I.

In fact, none of us do.

Am I right, Marty?

- Uh-uh. - Yes!

Uh-uh, man.

Mar... Yes.

Now, I'm sorry, my brother.

But we didn't land on this cobbler.

This cobbler landed on us.

Well, too bad for all of y'all,

because this cobbler about to land in my mouth.

I'm gonna save us.

How?

Well, I'm gonna do exactly

what Tom Cruise would do in this situation.

The only problem is,

in Mission Impossible, he had all these cool gadgets.

In Minority Report, he had futuristic technology.

All I have is my quick wit and quiet strength.

You act like it's Tom doing it, but it's really a stuntman.

That's where you're wrong. Tom does all his own stunts.

That's what makes him Tom.

And I'm gonna get us out of here.

That's what makes me Dave.

Okay. (EXHALES SHARPLY)

How does he make it look so easy?

Mm-mm.

Cobbler. (LAUGHS)

It looks like y'all little protest backfired, huh?

More for me.

This night couldn't get any better.

Who's ready for ice cream?

Ooh, I stand corrected.

Don't be vanilla bean. Don't be vanilla bean.

- Is it vanilla bean? Oh. - Mm-hmm.

So you're saying I can't get any of this vanilla bean

because of that vanilla bean?

Just stay strong, my brother.

What's going on?

Oh, White Gandhi,

Nerd Gandhi and Broke Gandhi

are on a hunger strike.

A hunger strike?

- Mm-hmm. - Yes.

We are tired of Pop's dictatorship.

We demand democracy.

And cobbler.

Hot, bubbly cobbler with-with-with-with cold,

creamy ice cream, where-where the cobbler starts

to melt the ice cream ever so slightly.

And-and real specks of vanilla beans

start cascading down the side of a peach, while my...

Damn, man, just have a piece.

Okay, and here you go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

No, he doesn't get cobbler.

He didn't even try his catfish.

TINA: Ah, come on, baby.

Give the boy some cobbler. It's probably the first time

he ever tried food with flavor.

I don't care.

The rules are the rules.

And listen, little man,

you may not understand this right now,

but I'm trying to help you.

This feels like the opposite.

Look, Grover, you can't go through life

with your mind already made up

about things that you like or don't like.

You're going to miss out

- on a lot of stuff. - Like what?

Well, look at Marty.

He didn't like working on cars when he was a kid,

but I made him, and that's where he started

to enjoy working on machines.

And that turned him into a successful engineer.

Wait a minute, Dad, are you seriously taking credit

for me becoming an engineer?

And-and Malcolm hated books,

but I made him read to me

every day when I took him to school.

We only lived a mile away,

so it took us five years to finish Roots.

But then you started reading Malcolm X

and Maya Angelou, and James Baldwin,

and look at you, following in their footsteps.

Yeah? How?

Organizing sit-ins.

I mean, granted, it's for little white kids, but still.

Calvin, please, you're one to talk.

You hate trying new things.

That's not true.

You just flipped out the other day

when I put raspberry vinaigrette on your salad.

That's because dressings are supposed to be creamy, Tina.

Ranch, Thousand Island, blue cheese.

If my carrot can't stand up in it, I don't want it.

Look, my point is,

you don't know what you like

until you at least give it a try.

Okay. I'll try it.

Oh.

Okay.

What do you think?

Mmm. It's good.

It tastes like chicken fingers.

Now you can have some cobbler.

Hey, way to stay strong, little man.

You know, you are the only kid to ever get more

of an explanation than "Because I said so."

This is cause for celebration.

Oh.

What you think you're doing?

Why can't I have some?

Because I said so.

I can't believe what a disaster tonight is.

Instead of taking your mind off of things,

I just made everything worse.

No, you didn't.

You did everything right.

I don't know why I couldn't just relax and enjoy it.

Well, you got a lot going on.

Yeah, but I always have a lot going on.

I think this is something more.

What do you mean?

Was it wrong of me to make us move here?

What?

I'm the one who got the job

and made us move to California.

I made us leave all of our family,

our friends, Grover's school.

I uprooted everything.

Gemma, you didn't make us do anything.

We decided together.

Are you sure?

Well, maybe it was 60-40, but...

I was an enthusiastic 40.

Dave, you're an enthusiastic everything.

We're a team, Gemma.

Like Maverick and Goose?

(SIGHS)

I've never loved you more.

Ugh, I guess that makes me Goose.

Well, yeah, look at me. You're definitely Goose.

Gemma, I'd follow you anywhere.

All I ever want to be is close to you.

I know, sweetie.

I love you.

And I love you.

You know, even though this isn't exactly what you had in mind,

we are pretty close right now.

We are, aren't we?

What do you think?

Goose, you big stud,

take me to bed or lose me forever.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey, Grover. What are you doing out of bed?

I couldn't sleep. Can you read to me?

O-Of course. Let me...

Uh-oh.

Grover, whoa, whoa, whoa, little man.

In this house, we all stay in our own beds.

Why?

Because I said so.

You know that doesn't work on me.

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com -

"Once upon a time, there was a little boy

who didn't know when to quit."