All language subtitles for The Good Place - 03x07 - The Worst Possible Use of Free Will.S03E08.1080p.W

This library's depressing.

All they have in the Poetry section

is Jeff Foxworthy books.

Well, we needed someplace deserted,

and there's no place more deserted than

a public library in Arizona.

Now let's go, man.

We only have a few hours
before we have to

pick the gang up from the airport.

Fire up Janet's memory gizmo.

Flooding your brain with memories

from the afterlife is dangerous.

In one of the reboots, you
and Chidi were in love.

Can't you just take my word for that?

No, dude, I can't.

My screwed-up relationship
with my parents

made me believe I could
never really love anyone.

I need to see it for myself.

Those are my memories. I want them back.

Okay, fine. Have a seat.

Luckily, before we shut
the neighborhood down,

Janet saved a complete
record of all the reboots.

Put those in your ears.

- What's all that for?
- You'll see.

We're gonna start with a
simple, three-second memory.

Why only three second...

Oh, hi, Eleanor.

Buongiorno, Eleanor.

Morning, Bambadjan. Morning, Vicky.

Ugh. Those two are such forking dweebs.

As I told you, recalling
afterlife memories

here on Earth has some
significant side effects.

You should be back to
normal in about 20 minutes.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

_

Ah, looking a little better.

The banana must have helped.

Before we go any further, I have one

very important question.

Did I look hot bald?

'Cause I always kind of felt
like I could pull it off.

I have no real ability to gauge

physical attractiveness in humans.

But no, you did not pull it off.

Okay, that short clip should have

rewired your brain, like an inoculation.

So now I can show you the
highlights of reboot 119.

I'm skipping all of the
sleeping and chewing.

You guys are always either
sleeping or chewing something.

So, we are moving onto the subject

of free will versus determinism.

We are officially done with Nietzsche.

Aww. I'm gonna miss Nietzsche.

I spent a lot of my life thinking

I was better than everyone else,

and he showed me why I was right.

Give me that reading list.
What do we got?

Ooh, a little Aristotle,
little Descartes,

little Tommy Quine-Quine.

That's what I call Saint Thomas Aquinas.

Two months of philosophy
class, and you're already...

What are you grinning at, weirdo?

Come on, we're gonna be late
for the neighborhood meeting.

I gotta say, it seems

like I was really nailing
that philosophy class.

Can you believe my high school voted me

"Most Likely to Die Young
and Unaccomplished?"

You did die young and unaccomplished.

Fair enough.

Put those back in.

Ah! My favorite four residents.

Don't tell the others.

Welcome to "Pick a Pet Day."

We have hundreds of beautiful animals

for you to choose from.

And when you do make your choice,

your pet will bond to your soul forever.

Fabulous. I haven't had a pet since

Barbra Streisand gave me one of her

cloned Siamese cats,
and it killed itself.

- Ah.
- I'm going to look at

the mythical pets, darling.

Catch up when you're ready.

- May I? Yeah?
- Yes.

Dude, we can get mythical animals?

Maybe I'll get a penguin.

Penguins are real.

That's the spirit, Eleanor.

They're real to me too.

Ooh!

This one looks just like the one

I had when I was a little kid.

He's so cute!

But is... is this one a
little... a little cuter?

I mean, this pup looks friskier.

But this one looks a
little... a little sweeter.

- Maybe...
- Uh-oh.

It's Chidi kryptonite, a
choice between any two things.

Settle in, lizard. This
is gonna be a while.

Michael, what's a "Mirror Centaur?"

Ah, a stunning creature,

whose human half takes on
the image of its companion.

Greetings.

I am T'Hania,

Goddess of Beauty.

Oh my.

I mean, should I take

the cutest puppy, or is that shallow?

And is it even okay to separate them?

Are they brother and sister?

Or... or perhaps, married?

Dude, they're heaven puppies.

I'm sure they're both incredible.

Just choose one.

You're right. The black one.

That was my first impulse,

and that is the one I'll take.

I'm so sorry, Chidi. Both
puppies have been taken.

Yeah, I should have seen that coming.

My indecision has once
again cost me happiness,

and I will now suffer the consequences.

How many pets have gone unclaimed?

Three. A 16-foot albino python...

- Mm-mm.
- Something called a "tarantula-squid,"

and this owl.

The Tarantula-squid. Tarantula-squid.

Tarantula-squid. Tarantula-squid.

I'll take the owl.

Check it out.

Janet made him a little cowboy hat.

Isn't that stupid?

- Chidi? Hello?
- Shh.

Spencer doesn't like loud voices.

Yeesh. What happened, man?

Well, I was trying to
teach him to play fetch,

like I did with my puppy as a kid,

but instead of retrieving the stick,

he attacked my face with
his razor-sharp talons.

Why don't you just ask
Michael for a dog?

Because it was my mistake

to not pick a puppy fast enough.

I made my bed, and now I'll bleed in it.

Let me do that, dummy. Come here.

What if I talk to Michael for you?

That way you don't have to worry

about feeling ungrateful, or whatever,

and maybe you'll still get a puppy.

- Instead of...
- Ow.

Deep wounds.

- You'd do that?
- Of course.

It's the least I can do,

considering everything
you've done for me.

So you get it, right?

- Hey.
- What?

You liked him, he liked you.

You did nice things for each other.

Your lack of parental affection did not

make you numb to love, blah blah blah.

"Blah blah blah"?

Why don't you want me to see this?

- What are you hiding?
- Nothing.

It's just, the rest is not interesting.

Yeah, no, you're right.
"Not that interesting."

Just watching myself fall in love

for the first time in fake heaven.

What else is on?

I am going to put this back in my ear,

and you are going to show me

how thoughtful and caring I am,

or I'm gonna rip off your demon head

and shove it up whatever's
where your butt should be.

Roll it.

Oh, a lizard was a
perfect choice, Eleanor.

- You both have combination skin.
- Thanks.

Hey, this is a weird question to ask.

I'll just throw it out there.
Can I ride your centaur?

I'm afraid T'Hania's quite particular

about whom she allows to ride her.

I tried, and she gave
me a withering stare.

Turns out centaurs are a bit tricky.

You didn't have like a stable
full of horses growing up?

Oh, of course, but they
just pulled our carriages,

or performed in our horse ballets.

They weren't so... what's the word?

Judgmental.

With whom can I speak about
acquiring new shoes?

You can't expect me to walk
around in these flats all day,

like some common glue
factory, hobo horse.

Eleanor, you were looking for me?

Uh, yeah, so, Chidi chose an owl,

because he froze up trying to
decide between two puppies.

Is it possible for him to swap?

Of course. This is the Good Place.

But he might want to hold off.

Tonight we're having a
party where everyone

gets to transform into their pets

for a few minutes, as a treat.

Chidi can fly like an owl,

and you can do whatever lizards do.

Tahani, would you host the
party at your mansion?

Of course. I'd love to.

Is that what you're going to wear?

What? N... no. No.

Of course not.

Why? Is it unflattering?

I... I can change.

Guys? I can't find my lizard.

He was just out there,
like one second ago.

No big deal. Janet can find it.

No, I can't risk it.

These pets are supposed to, like,
bond to our souls forever.

If Michael finds out mine ran away,

he could figure out I'm
not the real Eleanor.

Just, um, go without me,

and tell people that I'm
hanging out with my lizard,

because we are so meshed together,

or, whatever... circle
of life crap like that.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Go enjoy flying. I'll meet you there.

Come on, Bleek.

Lizard?

Lizard?

Where the fork are you?

Lizard!

Ugh! Why didn't I name you?

Hey.

- Why?
- Oh! Oh, no!

Chidi!

Sorry I shoved you, man.

I've just been a little jumpy.

Hey, you didn't happen to
see my lizard in the lake,

when you were thrashing
around down there?

No. It was cold and dark and scary.

But don't worry, we'll find him.

Michael and Janet are busy
transforming people, anyway,

so they didn't even
notice you weren't there.

Holy crap, you're supposed
to be flying right now.

It's no big deal, I just decided

I'd rather be helping you.

Than soaring through
the air like an owl?

That's amazing.

You're amazing.

After that, you spent
all your time together.

You studied philosophy together.

You even got Chidi hooked
on popcorn shrimp.

Eventually, you became

suspicious of me, and escaped

to Mindy St. Claire's house on a train.

That was the first time you actually

said it out loud.

I love you.

And you don't need to respond, 'cause

I know you have trouble
saying how you feel...

I love you too.

That's the story.

You're capable of human love. Congrats.

- Can we go now?
- How did it end?

Like it always did,
with me rebooting you.

There's... there's no need to...

Show me, please.

All right. Let's get this over with.

- So, listen guys...
- No, you... listen.

We just went to Mindy St. Claire's,

and when she wasn't trying to

trick us into having a threesome,

she filled us in on everything
that you've been up to here.

Oh, yeah?

We know this is, like,
the hundredth time

you've tried to torture us,

but this time it's different,

because... we're in love.

And love is stronger than
anything you can throw at us.

No, it's not.

Love is stronger than
anything I can throw at you?

I could throw an elephant at you.

You think a thrown elephant

wouldn't crush you because of love?

She was speaking metaphorically.

Even metaphorically, it's lame.

It's okay.

No matter what he does,

we will find each other,

and we will help each other,

because we're soul mates.

There's no such thing as
soul mates, you dingus.

I made it up.

I put clowns in your house
because you hate them.

I forced you to choose the lizard,

and then I made that lizard run away.

I made it all up!

Don't you understand that?

This...

That's why I didn't want to
give you your memories back.

I didn't want you to see
how cruel I used to be.

Plus, I wore a lot of French
cuff shirts back then.

I thought it made me look classy.

It's... it's... it's all embarrassing.

But I'm different now, I promise.

I'll swear on a Bible
like you humans do.

I could grab one right now.

It's the only book they
have in the Sex Ed section.

I'm not mad at you.

I can't be mad at a
demon for being evil.

I'm just sad,

because I thought for a
second I could love someone.

But really, it was just
you manipulating me

into thinking I loved someone.

So, I guess I was right.

I'm incapable of love.

Eh, that's no biggie. Do
you wanna get burgers?

Hang on, how did you
draw that conclusion?

You just watched yourself
fall in love with Chidi.

No, I didn't,

I watched a puppeteer
pull a bunch of strings

to make us think we were in love.

You said it yourself,
you made it all up.

Okay, yes.

I put you and Chidi in close proximity,

because I needed you to
drive each other crazy.

But I never intended for
you to fall in love.

Once you made us bond,

the romance was inevitable.

It's a basic reality show playbook.

Put a bunch of attractive young people

in stressful situations,
so they act like idiots

and have sex with each other.

This is all just determinism.

What?

"Determinism is the theory that

"we have no control
over our own actions.

"Everything we do happens
because of some external force,

which exists outside of our control."

I didn't choose to fall
in love with Chidi,

because some all-knowing demon, you,

brought us together and
scripted our lives.

That's ridiculous.

I didn't make you kiss
Chidi by that lake.

You kind of did.

You orchestrated the
whole "pet day" thing,

manipulated us into
choosing specific animals,

made my lizard run away,

which led to Chidi coming
to help me find it,

which led to us kissing, which
led to us falling in love.

None of that was my choice.

Everything in my life
has been determined by

my upbringing, my genetics,
or... or my environment.

And everything in my afterlife
was determined by you.

There is no such thing as free will.

We're closing up soon, guys.

Yeah, can we just have 15 minutes?

We're kind of in the
middle of something.

I'd take off if I were you.

The second we close, they use
this place to shoot pornos.

Okay.

You want something to drink?

Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

But whatever I choose
will be the result of

millions of biological,
genetic, and societal factors

that are entirely outside my control.

Iced tea.

Oh, that sounds good. I'll have one too.

Okay. You think you have no free will,

because I scripted everything
that happened, right?

All I have to do is prove
that you made one choice

that I couldn't anticipate.

Easy.

Okay, here's a perfect example!

- In the very first attempt...
- Dude.

Dude-dude-dude!

- What?
- Yelling...

You're... you're yelling.

- Oh...
- Like, so loudly.

Sorry.

- Sorry.
- Yeah.

Watch this, it's from
the very first attempt.

If anyone has any information...

- Oh, boy.
- About any of this...

Okay, easy.

I beg you, tell me.

Hey, I love you, man.

Michael.

The problem in the neighborhood

is me.

You saw your friend in pain,

and you decided to sacrifice
yourself to help him.

That wasn't me pulling a string

or manipulating you.

In fact, it was the last thing I wanted.

Ruined my whole plan.

- Free will.
- No, dude.

The only reason I cared enough
about Chidi to do that,

was because you forced us together,

made me feel bad for causing him pain.

- Okay, yeah...
- Yeah.

But, no, you were constantly

doing stuff I couldn't anticipate.

As a matter of fact, I
complained to you once,

right... right to your face.

I think it was reboot 444.

Now, is Chidi trapped in
the purple space bubble?

Yes. Is he in pain?

Almost certainly. Will he ever get out?

No. However...

Uh, yeah, uh... wrong one. Wrong one.

I mean, that's worth
watching. It's great.

But uh... not... not the
one I was thinking.

It's probably, uh, 445.

You. In here.

Where am I?

Hell. You're in Hell.

Can I ask you something?

Have I missed anything

in that freaky little noodle of yours?

See I... I've studied
everything about your life.

I know your hopes, your fears,

your psychology, your tendencies.

- _
- I know all your private shames,

like that you don't wash
your feet in the shower;

your first concert was Barenaked Ladies;

and you have frequent sex dreams

about Sam the Eagle, from the Muppets.

Well, he's very authoritative,

and I find that reassuring.

You keep making crazy
choices I don't understand.

Am I missing something?

I'm sorry. Can we rewind for a second?

Who are you? Who is that guy?

Am I dead?

Is Sam the Eagle here?

No.

I tried to script your whole afterlife.

And I devised a 15 million-point plan

to torture you.

You made choices I never saw coming.

I call that free will.

What if all your choices
are predetermined?

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

What? We don't know.

Maybe there's a mega-demon

who built a torture chamber for demons,

and this whole thing is
just him torturing you.

And maybe all the mega-demons are just

fulfilling a destiny
laid out by a bunch of

super intelligent tarantula-squids,

who are torturing them, be...

Why did you do that?

Because I have free will.

And because you're being so annoying.

Uh. Thank you.

I'm so sorry that he did that.

Happens all the time.

Usually it's the younger woman

doing it to the older guy, though.

Dude! Not cool.

Disagree.

I think it's the coolest
thing I've ever done.

Do you really not see
what's happening here?

Do you want me to spell it out for you?

This is a defense mechanism, Eleanor.

You saw yourself fall
in love with Chidi,

and it freaked you out to see
yourself be so vulnerable.

So, you're using determinism
to convince yourself

that those feelings were not real.

You know, you don't know me, man.

Yes, I do, I know everything
about you, remember?

Including that nothing scares
you more than vulnerability.

Whatever. Who even cares?

I do.

Because if everything is determined,

and we have no free will,

then all the stuff we're
doing to put more good

into the world is pointless.

And I want to believe that it matters.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna use my free will

right now to go pick up our
friends at the airport.

Worst possible use of free will,

but I'm gonna do it anyway,

because I care about them.

You might wanna head out too.

We're closing soon,
and the second we do,

they use this place to shoot porn.

First class was amazing.

They give you so many free presents.

A shaving kit, an eye
mask... oh, a vest.

At times like this, it's fun to remember

that we're legally married.

That is fun.

Oh, I call window seat!

I'm sorry. You were right.

I was scared about what it all meant,

and I went back to one
of my favorite moves,

turn on the ol' Blame Hose.

"This is all you fault."

Apology accepted.

And I'm sorry I dumped
iced tea on your head.

Are you kidding me? You did exactly what

you should do when you're
friend is being annoying.

You snapped me out of it.

It also made me realize, in a weird way,

we are the only truly free
beings in the universe,

because we actually know
what's up with the afterlife.

And I think that means
we need to be bold.

Take the Soul Squad to
the next level somehow.

You're right.

We need to find someone who can

serve as a... as a
blueprint for humanity,

someone who's life is so great

that we can use it as a
model to get as many points

for as many people as possible.

And I think I know that perfect person.

Rihanna. Good call. I don't
know her personally,

but I did see her in Vegas once,

and her calf brushed
up against my tongue.

I licked her leg. I was kicked out.

It's not Rihanna. It's...
it's someone way cooler.

Hey, everybody out of the car!

Grab your bags!

We're going to rural Canada!

- Is it ready?
- I guess.

We have no idea if it'll work.

Oh, I'm sure it's perfect.

- Give it a try, Shawn.
- Me?

I'm not going through that thing.

She is.

Ask Michael how many
times he rebooted them.

- He's lying...
- Yeah, zip it, toots.

We're way past that.

Where am I?

How long was I in there?

You have missed a lot.

Now go through that makeshift portal.

See if you explode.

This might be gross.

Oh. Am I on Earth?

Did you figure out a way to build

an illegal door to Earth?

Yes.

That's exactly what I did.

- Well, we all helped.
- Shut up, Glenn.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --