Original subtitles

(soft music)

♪ ♪

♪ Rows and flows of angel hair ♪

♪ And ice cream castles in the air ♪

♪ And feather canyons everywhere ♪

♪ I've looked at clouds that way ♪

♪ But now they only block the sun ♪

♪ They rain and snow on everyone ♪

♪ So many things I would have done ♪

♪ But clouds got in my way ♪

♪ I've looked at clouds from both sides now ♪

♪ From up and down and still somehow ♪

♪ It's cloud illusions I recall ♪

♪ I really don't know clouds ♪

♪ At all ♪

♪ I've looked at life from both sides now ♪

♪ From win and lose and still somehow ♪

♪ It's life's illusions I recall ♪

♪ I really don't know life ♪

♪ At all ♪♪

(phone rings)

Hello?

Secretary: Mr. Brooks, there's a Margo Brofman on the phone for you.

Oh, yeah? Put her through.

Okay.

Margo: Hello?

Hey, Margo.

I'm giving a surprise party Sunday night, can you come?

Who you going to surprise?

You.

Who else is coming?

Just Felicia and Liz.

Oh, yeah? (chuckles)

What's the occasion?

That's the surprise.

Evening.

Nice-looking threads.

(chuckles)

Can I take some roses?

Help yourself.

Thanks.

Here you go.

Margo on intercom: Come in, Steve.

(buzzing)

(jazzy music playing)

Looking good, Slick.

Ah, Felicia.

Hello, Steve.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

And Liz.

Hi, Steve. Hi.

♪ I'd give my soul ♪

♪ Just to call you my own ♪

♪ Got a moon above me ♪

♪ But no one should love me ♪

♪ Lover man oh, where can you be? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I've heard it said ♪

♪ That the thrill of romance ♪

♪ Can be like a heavenly dream... ♪

Steve: All right, yeah, Margo, come on in.

(laughter)

Whoo-hoo. Un-fucking-believable.

(giggles)

Hey, Margo, looking good there.

Liz: Whoo-hoo, Margo, sexy!

Steve: Unbelievable.

Whoo, Slick, you are something else.

Oh, yeah. Whoo-hoo.

(laughter)

Felicia: Come on, Margo, it's my turn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ Oh, what we've been missing ♪

♪ Lover man oh, where can you be? ♪

Whoo.

Oh, yeah, Slick.

I don't believe it.

I'm sitting here with three beautiful women

who said they hated me.

I got to be dreaming.

We still hate you.

We decided you should be punished

for the way you treat women.

Oh, yeah, men like you just have to be stopped.

And how you going to stop me?

We're going to kill you.

Oh, what a way to die.

(struggling)

♪ Lover man ♪

♪ Where can you be? ♪

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Liz: We did it.

Come on, we still got to get him out of the hot tub

and out of the room.

But I don't think I can.

You have to. We can't do it without you.

(squishing noise)

(gurgling) You bitches.

(screaming)

(gunshots)

(squishing noise)

Where am I?

Man's voice: Purgatory.

Where's that?

Woman's voice: Between Heaven and Hell.

What happens now?

Man: Well, on one hand,

you've earned enough credits to get you into Heaven.

Oh, thank God.

Man and Woman: You're welcome.

Woman: On the other hand,

you've been so consistently rotten to women,

you deserve to go straight to Hell.

That's pretty rotten.

Man: Perfect record.

They all hate you.

All of them?

Man and Woman: As far as I know.

Ugh, you should know, but it's kind of hard for me

to believe that there aren't at least a couple of women--

Woman: Right now, I'll settle for one.

So I've decided that you should go back

and try to find one female who truly likes Steve Brooks.

Man: If you find her, you go to Heaven.

If you don't, you will spend eternity in Hell.

Back?

Man and Woman: Unless you have a better suggestion.

No, no.

Back's fine.

Back's terrific.

Radio announcer: Good morning, this is Ross Printon.

It's 8:00 in the Big Apple,

and here's Keith Slaughter and the Butchers.

playing what Jerry Falwell describes as the Devil's Music.

(shrieking guitars)

♪ Yeah... ♪

Excuse me.

Man and Woman: Yes?

I wish to lodge a complaint.

Man and woman: What is it this time?

I have as much right to Steve Brooks' soul as you do.

Woman: That's why I sent him back.

If he can't find one female who likes him,

then his soul is yours.

Well, that's not a fair test.

He'll pick some helpless, unsuspecting female,

pretend to be everything he's not.

In the end, she'll adore him.

And you'll be honor bound to admit

an unregenerate debaucher into Heaven.

Man: What do you suggest?

Teach him a lesson.

And at the same time, make it impossible for him to work

his macho machinations on any more unsuspecting females.

Man and Woman: And how do I do that?

Easy.

Make him a woman.

(phone rings)

Security.

Okay, Mrs. Witherspoon.

I'll take care of it right away.

Some woman is screaming her head off up in Brooks' apartment.

Again?

She didn't sound like the others.

It was blood-curdling!

Mr. Brooks.

Hello, Mr. Brooks?

You want I should call SWAT?

No.

Mr. Brooks!

Anybody here?

Are you sure you don't need a backup?

Mr. Brooks!

It's Mac.

Mr. Brooks?

Hey, lady, miss--

Miss?

I'm up...

I'm up. What time is it?

Mac.

Jeez.

You okay?

What the hell happened?

Looks like maybe you fainted or something.

Jeez, I must of fainted or something.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Holy shit, holy shit.

Holy shit.

Huh, holy shit!

Holy shit!

Ah, Holy shit!

Where's Mr. Brooks?

Where is Mr. Brooks? Where is Mr. Brooks?!

Who are you?

Where is Mr. Brooks?

Who am I? Who am I?

Who am I? Who am I?

How'd you get in here, huh?

And how do you know my name? I never passed you through.

Al was on duty.

He didn't tell me.

Did you sign in?

I don't remember.

All guests are required to sign the register.

You couldn't have gotten in unless Mr. Brooks

said it was okay and you signed that register.

Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Brooks must have said it was okay

and I must have signed the register, right?

Because here I am!

Here I am!

Here I am. Here I fucking am!

I'm not feeling too well.

What me to call a doctor?

No.

No, no.

It's okay. It's okay.

You know, I just--

I kind of keeled over there 'cause I got some bad news.

But I'm going to shower, shave.

I'm going to pull myself together here.

You know how it is, Mac.

You get up on the wrong side of the bed.

You haven't brushed your teeth.

Uh, when do you think Mr. Brooks will be coming back?

Oh, not for a very long time.

Really?

Yeah, he, uh-- you see, he, uh--

he told me that, um, he was going away.

He's gone away? Yeah.

And he-- he-- he asked me to take care of his apartment.

You're taking care of it?

Yeah, because, um-- because, uh--

Because we're sisters.

You're sisters?

Well, I'm his sister.

You know, I'm his half-sister.

Yeah, we have different mothers.

But you know, he gave me his key,

showed me how everything in there works.

So I'm going to be fine.

I'll be just fine.

Okay, yeah. Thanks a lot.

Sure.

Jesus Christ.

How you doing there, Mrs. Witherspoon?

Oh...

Un-fucking-believable.

(phone rings) Aah!

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, Walter, how you doing, buddy?

Who's this?

Who is this?

Who is this.

Okay, look, Walter, I'm going to try something here,

I'm a woman.

Yeah?

It's me, Walter. It's me.

I'm a woman.

Who is this-- Connie, is this Connie?

No, no, no, it isn't Connie, it's me--

Okay, forget it, forget it.

I'm a man-- I'm Amanda.

I'm Amanda. I'm Steve's sister.

And wait till you get a load of me.

Yeah, well, Steve doesn't have a sister.

Uh, could I talk to Steve, please?

You are-- I mean you can't.

You know it's after 10:00.

Steve hasn't shown up for work.

Look, uh, it's really complicated.

Why don't you meet me for lunch, and I'll explain it to you?

You know, Steve would have told me if he had a sister.

Oh, no, he wouldn't.

I'll meet you at the City Grille at 1:00.

Wait, wait, wait, how am I going to know it's you?

Huh, you can't miss me, pal.

I'm blonde.

I'm about-- I don't know-- about 5'7",

built like a brick shithouse.

(phone ringing)

Man: Desk.

Yes, Mr. Reed...

Hold on a second.

Yeah.

That's the broad.

I never passed her by here.

You let her in?

No, I didn't let her in.

She told me that you-- I never let her past--

(buzzer)

Morning, May.

Hey, wait a minute.

What, is she still in the sack?

Wait a minute, you can't go up there!

I'd love a cup of coffee.

Mrs. Brofman!

Mrs. Brofman. Mrs. Brofman!

Mrs. Brofman!

Mrs. Brofman... Mrs. Brofman!

Mrs. Brofman! Mrs. Brofman, open the door!

Mrs. Brofman.

Mrs. Brofman, open the door, Mrs. Brofman!

What, May, what?

Mrs. Brofman! What, what, wha--

(shrieks)

Who are you?

Get out!

May, call the police!

Oh, yeah, then you could tell them

all about that little party you threw last night.

What?

Divers shouldn't have any trouble finding the body.

May?

I can just hear Felicia and Liz now.

"Oh, yeah, yeah, we tried to drown him in the hot tub.

But Margo shot him."

May!

Three times in the chest.

May!

Yes, Mrs. Brofman?

Don't call the police, May. Forget the police.

You sure? Yes.

All right.

Who are you?

What did you do with the gun?

Who the hell are you?

Oh, take a good look, Margo.

You know, they say that the eyes are the window to the soul, huh?

Look into my eyes, Margo.

Whose soul do you see?

It's me, Margo.

Steve.

You're crazy.

You know, I picked you

because you're a lot smarter than those other two bimbos.

Also you believe that fag psychic of yours,

told you you were Helen of Troy in another incarnation.

The way I figure it, Margo, you'd have no trouble believing

that I am the late, great Steven Brooks,

your ex-lover,

reincarnated as a gorgeous female.

Look deep, Margo.

(thud)

You better believe it, Slick.

'Cause after I borrow a dress and some lipstick,

I am going to have lunch with my buddy Walter,

and you are going to teach me everything I always wanted

to know about women but was afraid to ask.

Whoo.

(music and chatter)

Hey.

How you doing, Walter?

A-Amanda?

In the flesh.

And what about that flesh, huh?

Jesus Christ.

Hey, Suzy, I'll have a margarita, please. You bet.

So what do you think?

Did you get a good look at my legs?

So, uh, Steve never mentioned me?

Uh, no.

Well, that's understandable.

See, we only just discovered each other a few days ago.

I'm his half-sister.

We have different mothers.

He sure did talk about you quite a bit, though, Walt.

Oh, really?

Jeez, would you check out that ass?

Boy, how'd you like to give her a little

punch in the pants, huh, Walt?

Oh, no, you're not gay, are you?

Suzy: Your margarita's ready.

Pal, if I'm gay, Clint Eastwood is a transvestite.

Excuse me.

You know, you don't look anything like Steve,

except maybe something...

about the eyes. Really?

But, uh, you sure do act like him.

You always drink margaritas, huh?

Yeah, yeah. So does Steve.

Huh, well, here's to Steve,

wherever he may be.

By the way, where is he?

I don't know.

He just said that he was going away

and that, you know, he'd probably be gone

for a very long time.

You're kidding me!

No, he kept talking about Gauguin.

Who?

Gauguin, Walter, he was a French painter.

He decided to chuck it all and move to Tahiti to paint.

He said he was fed up with everything.

And between you and me,

he seemed very depressed.

Depressed? Mm-hm.

Last night, three of his ex-girlfriends

were throwing him a dinner party.

When he left me, he couldn't have been happier.

Yeah, well, maybe the party didn't turn out

exactly like he planned.

Well, I'll tell you one thing for sure,

Steve is not the kind of man who would suddenly decide

to just chuck it all and not tell me.

Did you check his office?

For what?

I don't know, maybe he left you a note or something.

You heard anything?

No, it's very strange.

Beth, this is Amanda Brooks, Steve's sister.

How you doing there, Beth?

Mind if I look in his office?

Maybe he left a note or something.

Uh, no, go ahead.

But when I cleaned up his desk, I didn't find anything.

You're his sister, huh?

Well, half-sister.

We only just discovered each other a few days ago.

Oh, oh, 'cause I've been his secretary for two years,

and he never said anything about you.

Nothing, nothing.

Did you look in the drawer?

Yeah, I did.

Let me have a look there.

He told Amanda that he was going

to chuck it all and be like Gauguin.

The painter?

Can't believe that he wouldn't call me.

Hey, what's this here?

What? What?

It's a note, says "To Walter."

Where'd you find that?

Uh, in the drawer.

Well, I looked--

"Dear Walter, I'm fed up with my life.

"I've decided to chuck it all and start again, like Gauguin.

"I asked Amanda, my half-sister, to stay in my apartment

"while I'm gone.

"Take her to lunch. You'll like her.

"She's got a great pair of--

So long. Steve."

Is that uh, his handwriting?

Yeah.

Yeah?

(sobbing)

What the matter?

He's really gone.

Yeah, it looks that way, Sugar.

He-- he always called me that.

(sobbing)

Jesus, you must have been really crazy about him, huh?

I hated him.

I just always cry when I'm really, really, really happy.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

(sobbing)

(sobbing) Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Freidkin.

Walter...

Yep, Mr. Freidkin, we-- we just found this.

Steve's sister.

Half-sister.

Our Steve?

Why, that son of a gun.

He didn't know about her until a couple of days ago.

Talk about your family secrets.

You should read the note.

What note?

Oh.

(mumbling)

(gasps)

Gauguin?

Come on, this is a joke, right?

No, it's not a joke. He's gone.

I don't believe it.

I guess you must be Arnold, Steve's boss.

How you doing, Arnold?

Yes.

Steve told me a lot about you.

Oh, well, not all bad, I hope.

No, not all of it.

Well, we're going to miss him.

He was one hell of an advertising man.

He was that, yeah, but I think he can be improved on.

Really?

How's that?

Why don't you take me to your office?

I'll tell you "how's that."

You're sure I can't get you something stronger?

No, no thanks.

You know, except for the occasional margarita at lunch,

I make it a habit not to drink on the job.

You sound like your brother.

Who do you work for?

You, I hope.

Oh, well, I'm flattered.

Have you had experience in advertising?

Hire me, and I'll get you the Faxton account.

(chuckles)

Get me the Faxton account, and you're hired.

Hire me, Arnold, I won't tell your wife

about Apartment J on West 57th Street.

My God...

What else did Steve tell you?

He told me you pay him 200 a year plus fringes.

I'll take 250.

Well, why should I pay you more than Steve is getting?

Steve didn't give you a hard-on.

Uh, Denise.

You knew Steve Brooks pretty well, didn't you?

You?

Well, no.

Yes, pretty well.

So tell me, what adjective would you say best describes him?

Asshole.

That could also be a noun.

Major asshole.

Sounds great, so when do you start?

Uh, tomorrow morning.

Yeah, what can I say?

Hey, how about you show me the ropes, huh?

Sure.

Goddamn Italian shoes, huh?

Yeah, well, look, it's going to really be great

working with you-- I mean, Steve and all that.

Why don't we have dinner tonight, heh?

Yeah.

How about a little sushi at Aiko's?

8:00, couple of beers, the Duke's?

Okay. Yeah, great.

See you later, bud.

Well, let's see which one of your guides is available

to give us some answers.

(caw)

Jesus...

(squawking)

(with Indian accent) Greetings, sahib.

Multiple blessings from the eternal spirit.

(normal voice) It's Pasha.

Pasha, is it appropriate that we speak?

(with accent) Exceedingly so, sahib.

The answer to your question is,

in order for Sahib Brooks

to be reincarnated, he must first be dead.

But he is dead.

He is?

Well, isn't he? I mean--

You're supposed to know about those things.

If indeed Sahib Brooks', uh, immortal soul

has left the bondage of this earth,

it is reasonable to assume

it has not yet arrived

at its predestined spiritual abode,

or, of course, I would know of it.

Okay, let's say that he is dead

and he has been reincarnated as a woman--

Oh, well, you see, the eternal soul--

Let me finish. (bird cawing)

Sorry, Pasha.

Could it still be the same man in a different body?

Although the Grand Design provides

for almost any possibility,

uh, I have never heard of such a case

as you speak of, but I will investigate

and report to you the next time we communicate.

In the meantime, peace be with you,

and Brahma, the Supreme Soul, the essence of the universe,

guide and protect you.

(gasps)

That really takes it out of me.

Well, Pasha wasn't much fucking help.

Margo...

um, aside from the fact that this woman claims

to be the late Mr. Brooks,

is there any other reason why

you might think that he would be dead?

No, of course not, what other reason could there be?

(phone ringing)

Answering machine: You've reached 555-6731.

Please leave a message, and I'll call you back.

(beep)

Amanda: Hello, Curt, you psychic psycho fag.

Margo, get your ass over to Bloomingdale's.

I'll meet you in an hour.

Oh, yeah, that's pretty.

Where are you going?

I'm going to Aiko's.

Don't you think something a little less formal for sushi?

Yeah, probably, but maybe we should get it anyway.

Bound to be other nights when I can wear it.

Oh, bound to be.

Amanda: What do you think?

You think I'd look good in something like that?

There's not much you wouldn't look good in.

I bet you say that to all the boys who become girls.

You know, you need a bra.

We're about the same size aren't we, a 34 C, right?

Um, uh, oh, yeah, yeah, I think we are, yeah.

Cash or charge?

Uh, what's the total there?

Including cosmetics, perfume, and jewelry,

it's $41,611.89.

Huh, uh, how do you want to pay for that, Slick?

(coughs)

(giggles) She never lets me pay for a thing.

If I tried, she'd probably shoot me, dump me in the river.

Do you know how many poor animals they had to kill

to make that coat?

Do you know how many rich animals

I had to fuck to get this coat?

Here she comes.

Excuse me, Miss Brooks, is it?

I'm Stewart Higgins, the apartment manager.

Nice to meet you.

Do me a favor, Al.

I'm expecting a big delivery from Bloomingdale's.

Would you send it up as soon as it gets here?

I got a hot date tonight.

I'm sorry, but I can't allow you

to stay in Mr. Brooks' apartment

unless you can prove you really are his sister.

Do you have some means of identification?

Like what?

Well, a driver's license.

Oh, I don't drive.

Credit cards.

I don't charge.

You told Mac, the night guard, that your brother told Al,

the day guard, that you'd be staying

in your brother's apartment.

Well, this is Al.

And he doesn't remember your brother saying that.

You don't remember that, Al?

No, ma'am.

How old are you, Al? 49.

Jeez, you told me you were 50.

Don't you remember the day my brother introduced us,

you said you just had a birthday last month.

I met you?

Yeah, I told you how young you looked.

Could start that early, could.

It's probably nothing serious, just short term,

but if I were you, I'd get it checked.

And you can call Arnold Freidkin.

He's my boss at F&B.

If that doesn't satisfy you, call Laura Patrick.

Who?

Laura Patrick, little redhead my brother fixed you up with

last week when your wife was out of town.

You should get checked, too.

You're getting to be just as forgetful as Al.

Yo, Walt, check out the headlights on the blonde.

How'd you like to play "hide the salami"

with that for about a week?

Ugh, but not me Walt, you.

What, you don't think that's a perfectly legitimate question?

Coming from a guy, maybe.

You don't think that women talk to women that way?

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Sometimes, some women.

So what's wrong with a woman talking to a man that way?

I don't know.

Look, I just think that when a man talks to a woman,

a woman talks to a man, that it should be more, uh,

romantic.

So women aren't supposed to feel the same things

that a man feels?

I mean, it's wrong for her to talk about it.

It's okay for a man to say, "I'm horny, I like to get laid."

This is not okay for a woman to say?

Well, now you sound like Gloria Steinem.

Let's go to Duke's.

Steve told you about Duke's, huh?

Yeah, he did.

I used to put your brother to bed after six of these.

Oh, yeah, how many is this?

That's five.

Good, then I got one to go.

Nope, that's a double.

Well, then I'll just sip it.

I was afraid of that.

Uh, boy I'm going to miss him.

Who, Duke?

No, Steve.

Why, Walt?

I mean, face it, you know.

He wasn't the nicest guy in the world.

No?

Especially where women are concerned, huh?

Nope.

He loves kids, though,

and dogs.

And he does things for people that nobody would ever

know about except maybe me

and the shrink that he was seeing for about six months.

And God.

Right, man.

Yeah, He knows.

She.

He's like Popeye.

God?

No, Steve!

You know, "I am what I am."

He is what he is.

He's a smart, funny, charming, dyed-in-the-wool male chauvinist

who brags about most things

that other guys are afraid to admit themselves.

And you know what?

He likes me.

He's very loyal.

You want to know why, Walter?

Why?

Because he envies you.

See, you're a good guy.

How do you know that?

What, that you're a good guy?

No, that he envies me.

Oh, well, he told me.

He said, "Amanda, you stick with Walt; he's a good guy."

Yeah, well, maybe I'm not so good.

How come?

Well, to tell you the truth,

I really, really, really want to go to bed with you.

Oh, that's a hot news flash.

Yeah, yeah, but I can't because you're my best friend's sister.

What do you mean?

Steve wouldn't have any trouble

going to bed with your sister.

I don't have a sister.

And even if I did, I don't think that he would.

Oh, oh, he would.

Take my word for it.

So what are you saying, that I should?

I mean could.

If you could, yeah, sure.

But you can't.

No? No, sorry.

(giggling)

You mind telling me why?

Because I'm not really who you think I am.

It's me, Walt; Steve.

I died, and God wouldn't let me into Heaven 'cause I've been--

I've been such a shit to women.

That's why.

God.

If I want to go to Heaven--

Mm-hmm.

I got to find--

I got to find one female who likes me.

That's not going to be easy.

Hey, you believe I'm Steve?

Yeah, sure.

I knew you would.

Hey, Steve.

What?

I'd still like to fuck your sister.

Liz: She is not Steve.

You didn't look in her eyes, all right,

she didn't kiss you, for Christ's sake.

Give me this.

Spooky.

It's bullshit, darling.

You're just a sucker for that kind of thing.

That's why she chose you.

But how does she know about everything?

I mean, you can laugh, but I get the feeling

she's watching us right now.

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

Hello?

Uh, you're a major stockholder with Faxton Cosmetics.

I want an appointment

with Sheila Faxton tomorrow afternoon.

You sound drunk.

You sound stoned.

Three of you getting high,

trying to figure out what to do about me?

(laughs)

(dial tone)

Who was that?

Steve.

You mean Amanda.

No, I mean Steve.

Coffee, coffee.

Where is my address book?

Your address book?

Steve's address book.

Oh, uh, bottom drawer.

No, no, I looked there.

Um...

There.

Can't think with all this hair.

You have beautiful hair.

You know how long it takes to dry this hair?

Get me my barber.

Your barber?

I don't have a barber, my hairdresser.

In fact, who does your hair? You have very nice hair.

It's all off your face.

Um, well, Sergei actually.

Sergei, good, get me an appointment with Sergei.

Go, go, go!

Operator: Media, how may I direct your call, please?

Uh, hello, a Miss Darlene Wooster, please.

Operator: One moment, please.

Darlene: This is Darlene.

Darlene, um, uh, I'm writing a book

called Great Names in Advertising,

and Steven Brooks gave you as a recommendation,

so I was wondering if maybe you could, uh,

tell me a little bit about it.

Darlene: I don't believe that asshole gave you my number...

(screaming continues) Crazy.

Didn't think you were so hot, either.

(sighing) Oh, boy.

Shit.

Morning.

Uh, what's up?

You said you wanted me to show you the ropes.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

You look like shit, pal.

You don't look too good yourself.

You all right?

You're red.

Got a fever or something?

Probably too much rouge.

Got to be a fucking Rembrandt to put on makeup.

Photographer: Pretty, put your chin up. There you go; that's good.

(upbeat music)

♪ ♪

Remember when I thought you were Connie?

Photographer: Love your look; good.

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

That's Connie.

Photographer: Good, good, all right.

Let's take a break. Thanks, Connie.

I think I need salt 'cause I keep cramping up.

Woman: Okay, turn the music down.

Hi. Hi.

I'm Amanda Brooks. I'm Steve's sister.

He never told me he had a sister.

Well, I'm his half-sister, really.

Hello, Walter.

He never told me he had a half a sister.

Listen, have you seen him lately?

Haven't heard from him in three days.

Yeah, see I'm afraid he's disappeared.

Where?

Well, we don't know.

He just said he went someplace to start again.

Start what?

His life.

Like Gauguin.

Who?

Gauguin, Connie, is a painter

who gave everything up and moved to Tahiti.

I thought you said you didn't know where he went.

Right, uh, so I guess you're really going to miss him, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

You liked him a lot, didn't you, Connie?

Sure.

You're lying.

No, I like him okay.

You're just saying that because I'm his sister.

Tell me the truth.

He's a putz. Sorry.

You slept with him.

Sure, and here I am on the cover of "Dream."

I'm the "Dream" girl for November.

Woman: Connie, get changed.

Yeah.

Nice meeting you.

You know, you're gorgeous.

You ought to be a "Dream" girl for December.

See you.

Bye.

If there are some of you who may not have read my memo yesterday,

F&B has added two new additions to its growing family.

Miss Amanda Brooks,

whose pretty feet will be filling

her brother's prematurely departed shoes.

(clapping)

And Mr. Dan Jones, recruited from our West Coast office.

(clapping)

All right, let's do some brainstorming.

Who wants to get the ball rolling?

Amanda: Uh, the Mama Weisse

commercial has been very successful.

You know, that was your brother's account.

Well, I have an idea here that might be just as good,

maybe even better, for Haycrest Foods.

Home movies.

Probably Dad, photographing the family doing family things.

Kids washing the car on a Sunday morning,

squirting each other with the hose.

Mom, caught in her curlers, picking up the morning papers,

a family dog taking a little nap.

Mom serving up some pancakes to the kids for breakfast.

Kids fighting over the bottle of Haycrest Maple Syrup,

which falls, bounces, but does not break.

Amateur-style home movies, professional message.

Ow!

Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt,

but did you discuss this idea with Steve?

No, why?

Well, I'm a little embarrassed to bring this up,

but I was taking some home movies the other day,

and I came up with almost exactly the same concept.

Really?

I called Steve immediately and told him about it.

I don't know what to say, Arnold.

I feel-- I feel very foolish.

Oh, you shouldn't.

Always remember that in this company

it's not authorship that counts; it's teamwork.

Mr. Edmonds can see you now.

This way.

Amanda.

Amanda, I was just thinking,

since we're both new here on the job,

how about joining... forces?

Have dinner and talk it over...

That's a great idea.

Get to know each other. Yeah.

Let me save you some time and trouble, Dan.

I know all about you.

Your reputation has preceded you.

Don't tell me you're one of those women who believes

everything that she hears.

You know, even if your reputation hadn't preceded you,

I'd still know all about you?

Is that suede?

You're a pretty smart, good-looking, sexual deviate

who has to score in order to prove he's not inadequate.

Sounds like you've made this speech before.

Don't get me wrong, Dan.

Some of my best friends are deviates.

But save yourself an expensive meal,

whatever's left of your ego,

because there is no way in hell

you are ever going to get me into the sack.

And switch aftershaves.

You smell like a salad.

Arnold...

Miss Brooks.

Uh, I think I'll call you Amanda.

Since you know about the apartment,

why don't you let me give you a personal tour?

It's stocked with champagne,

and it has a great view of the park.

No, thanks, Arnold.

I'm allergic to grapes and corporate executives

who take credit for other people's ideas.

Miss Brooks, you're not suggesting--

I'm not suggesting anything.

You and I both know you never called Steve.

Even if you're right, and you aren't,

don't you think that's dangerous talk

for a corporate employee?

I think I can afford it.

Really?

What makes you think so?

I have a 2:00 appointment with Sheila Faxton.

Still interested in the Faxton account, Arnold?

Yes.

I thought so.

(crowd chatter)

(kissing noises)

You got a problem, pal?

Yeah.

If you don't kiss me, I'm going to be sick.

Then I think we both got a problem,

because if I do kiss you, I'm going to be sick.

Have a nice day.

Miss Brooks is here to see you.

Woman: All right, send her in.

Go on in.

Amanda Brooks.

Thank you for taking the time to see me, Ms. Faxton.

You're welcome.

If Margo wasn't a majority stockholder

in Faxton, you wouldn't have made it past the front door.

Now that you're here, what can I do for you?

You've got five minutes.

Okay, I'll get right to the point.

Uh, I work for Freidkin and Booth,

and, uh, we'd like to represent Faxton Cosmetics.

Horton and Benson represent Faxton.

Why should I change?

'Cause we're new-fashioned.

Our people are younger and brighter.

And I go with the deal.

Exactly...

what does that mean, Miss Brooks?

If you want to find out,

it's going to take a lot longer than five minutes.

Okay.

I'm having a party this evening, a few special friends.

Kelly will give you the address.

Good. Oh, what time?

8:30...

sharp.

Great.

Oh, what'll I wear?

Whatever you like.

I'll be there...

with bells on.

Male radio announcer: 8:00 in New York City, this is Kid Kelly.

Here's Are You Listening Lucky by Joe Ely.

♪ ♪

Do you believe this body?

I'll never get used to this.

Be careful with Sheila; she can be dangerous.

Do I detect a note of authentic concern over my future welfare?

No, but these days, my welfare seems to depend on yours.

Kathleen Seymour lived with Sheila for ten years.

She developed this fragrance for Faxton,

and she always wore it.

Yeah, what happened to her?

She eloped with a French architect.

Sheila never got over it.

You think it's prudent to remind her?

Knowing Sheila, I think it ought to just do the trick.

Give it a whirl.

Nice touch.

Thanks, now what the hell is this?

It's a body suit.

You've taken a million of them off women.

God, I used to hate these things.

Shit.

Snap crotch, step into it.

No, no, no, it's very fragile.

Snap--

Snap crotch, step into it.

How you doing?

Good, thanks, how are you?

Yoo-hoo.

Excuse me.

(low voice) Yeah. Oh, boy.

Hi. How're you doing?

Nice party. Wow.

Hello.

Hello, Sheila.

What's that you're wearing?

Oh, I don't know,

just a little something I pulled out of the closet.

Not really sure who designed it.

I mean the perfume.

Oh, well, that's yours.

You make it. It's called, uh--

Yeah.

I know what it's called.

Come on.

I'll introduce you to some friends.

Great.

So you don't like the perfume?

I love it.

It just makes me a little sad sometimes.

And a little angry.

Well, when we get to know each other a little better,

I'll tell you all about it.

Great.

Willy, Amanda.

How you doing, Will?

Willy: How are you?

Amanda: Oh, boy, you were right, Margo.

That Sheila can be dangerous.

After the party, we went up to her bedroom.

We killed a magnum of champagne in nothing flat.

We did about ten minutes

on the merits of good advertising and safe sex.

And then we started to undress each other.

Uh, I'll do it.

Thanks.

Um, you know, I'll just put these in my purse, okay?

Excuse me.

You know, I mean, I was seriously looking forward

to what I fantasized was going to be a truly

unique sexual experience for me.

But it wasn't turning out that way.

Something was definitely out of sync.

So I said to myself, Steve, baby, come on.

You may be a gorgeous female on the outside,

but inside, you're still 100% male.

And Sheila is just another rich, horny broad

looking to get laid.

So go for it. What's the big deal here?

Zipper?

Oh no, it's a body suit.

You know, it has one of those, you know--

those snappy crotches.

Unsnap it.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

It got very weird.

Suddenly, I felt like my panty hose were strangling me.

I got the-- I got the shakes. I couldn't breathe.

And then she started kissing me,

and I fainted.

(both) Ugh!

I am so goddamn confused here.

I feel like my brains are being ripped apart.

Did you do any drugs?

Oh, for Christ's sake, you know I never take drugs.

That's right, you never do.

Did.

Jesus Christ, it really is you, isn't it, Steve?

Yes, argh, yes!

Okay.

All right, you want me to tell you why you couldn't handle it?

Unless you'd like me to jump off the fucking roof.

She's gay.

No kidding.

And you are a macho, homophobic--

Homophobic!

Yes, and gay male or female

scares the living hell out of you.

Right.

Where are you going?

To jump off the fucking roof.

(sighs) I should be so lucky.

Morning.

Wah!

Amanda. Morning.

Morning.

I understand you saw the layouts for the Brewster-Mills project.

Yeah, it sucks.

Hey, it's only a rough draft.

Women buy these products, Dan.

I am aware of that.

No, that's a man's concept

of what appeals to a woman.

Well, all the women I showed it to

thought it looked terrific.

What women?

Your secretary, the ladies in accounting?

What are they going to say

to Mr. California Suntan Vice President?

Arnold thought it looked gre--

Oh, Arnold would.

He's about as sensitive to a woman's needs

as Jack the Ripper.

Hey, well, maybe you're right, but why are you so pissed off?

I'll tell you why I'm so pissed off,

buddy boy.

I'm sick and tired of being treated like a piece of meat.

Ow. Ow!

(phone rings)

(phone rings)

Hello?

Morning.

I called you twice.

Yeah, I just got in.

So, um, tell me, have you thought any more

about giving Freidkin and Booth the Faxton Cosmetics account?

Well,

you're all business this morning, aren't you?

Well, it's very important to me.

I'll give it some more thought,

and when I make a decision, I'll give you a call, okay?

Okay.

Bye.

Uh, Sheila?

Yes?

In the meantime, um--

Yeah, in the meantime?

In the meantime, could we have dinner?

Sure.

We can have dinner at Sardi's.

Sardi's?

Uh, couldn't we go somewhere a little less public?

Well, that's no fun.

I want to show you off.

I'll pick you up at 7:30.

Bye.

(sighs)

Come on.

Where we going?

We're going to the gym.

Why? I'm going to whoop your ass.

(hard rock music)

♪ ♪

All right.

Game to 11?

Spot you two.

Game to 11.

And you can shove your two.

♪ Well, I've come to play and I play to win ♪

♪ Just say the word and I'll stuff it in ♪

♪ Slam it ♪ ♪ All the way ♪

♪ Dunk it ♪ ♪ What do you say? ♪

She can play.

♪ When the whistle blows... ♪

Don't get nervous. Don't get nervous.

Unbelievable!

Come on, Walter, you're not gonna let a girl beat you, are you?

(men cheering)

Ugh!

Call the foul. Call the stupid foul.

Come on!

High score.

Next basket wins.

♪ Slam dunk way to go ♪

♪ Pick it up, baby let's do it some more ♪

♪ Pick it up, baby, let's do it some more ♪♪

(men cheering)

Nice game.

Way to go.

First time you beat me.

What are you talking about? I never played you before.

Yeah, that's what I said.

First time you beat me.

And the last time.

Well, you play pretty damn good for a girl.

Don't be so fucking condescending, Walt.

I play pretty damn good for a man.

Ahh! (men laughing)

Ms. Faxton.

Uh, bring me the wine list.

Yes, of course.

Unless you'd rather choose.

Oh, no, it's your evening.

You know, I think we have a problem.

What's that?

No give and take.

We both want to be the aggressor.

Somebody's got to be the man, right?

What are we going to do about it?

Uh, flip a coin.

Ha, ha. I'm serious.

You know,

if you were really serious,

you wouldn't have taken me to this place.

Where would you like me to take you?

(crowd chatter and laughter)

Do you come here often?

I used to when I was a man.

When was that?

Not so long ago, in another life.

Did you like being a man?

Oh, yeah.

What's it like?

Compared to what?

Being a woman.

Mm...

Don't get me wrong.

I'm-- I'm not--

You know, being a woman,

it's not half bad.

It's being both that is the bitch.

I'll drink to that.

How you doing, ladies?

Oh, fuck off.

Why, shame on you.

Didn't your mother tell you nice girls don't talk like that?

I bet you don't talk like that dollface, huh?

Only to assholes

who don't pay attention when they're told to fuck off.

Oh, I should've guessed.

Which one likes to be the man, huh?

Tonight it's my turn.

Argh!

You talk like a man; you fight like one.

Guess you really must have been one.

Come on.

Let me take you someplace where you can be yourself.

Wherever that is.

♪ It's all been ♪

♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ Warm hellos ♪

♪ Soft good-byes ♪ (women laughing)

♪ And an unspoken invitation ♪

♪ In your smile ♪

♪ I accept... ♪

Go ahead. Okay.

Some place.

Woman: Good evening, ladies.

May I take your order?

Uh, two margaritas.

Right away.

See, that wasn't so difficult.

For who?

You can tell Freidkin he can have the Faxton account.

Thanks, Sheila, thanks.

Want to dance?

Yeah, sure.

Sure.

♪ Let's leave some things to our imaginations... ♪

Uh, who's going to lead?

You are.

Okay.

Jeez, I forgot how to do this.

This doesn't feel right, I can't.

Then I will.

I really want to work this out.

Okay.

I'm terribly attracted to you.

Oh, God.

Um...

Sheila, don't--

Don't do this.

Oh, it's not that easy.

You'll have to give me one good reason

why I shouldn't.

Listen to me, um...

I only came onto you to get the Faxton account.

That's the only reason?

Yeah.

You're cruel like a man.

Hey, uh, Sheila?

Sheila, listen to me.

Listen to me; let me explain to you.

Listen, you don't understand.

But I do. No!

Sheila, Sheila.

You having a problem, Ms. Faxton?

Hey, fuck off, okay?

It's all right, Nancy.

No, it's not all right, Nancy.

I don't like being grabbed--

Aiee! Ow, ow, ow!

Ah!

Oh, jeez!

As you can see, I'm not doing very good so far.

Would it be kosher if I prayed to you for a little help?

Well, I'm not giving up yet.

Male radio announcer: It's 3:00 a.m. in the Big Apple

and coming to you direct from the Gehenna Casino,

located on the Hades Turnpike,

a stone's throw from the center of the Earth,

the molten music of Judas Iscariot

and his 30 Piece Orchestra.

What is that smell?

Devil: Brimstone.

You'll get used to it after a few hundred years.

Who in hell are you?

Who in hell do you think I am?

You look like the Devil.

Well, you don't look so good yourself. Ha!

Just a little Netherworld humor there.

(gasps)

Hilarious.

What do you want?

You.

Your time is up.

Says who?

Have you found one female who liked Steve Brooks?

Well, I haven't talked to them all yet.

You'd just be wasting your time.

You see, I know who they are.

And they all think that Steve Brooks is a selfish,

inconsiderate, unredeemable, male chauvinist pig.

I don't believe you.

You're not to be trusted. You're the Devil.

Anyway, you know,

He/She didn't give me any timetable on this thing.

Look, you hate being a woman, right?

Well... There's no fun in PMS or shaving your legs.

And what have you got to look forward to?

Guys like you used to be always trying to get into your pants.

Cellulite, menopause?

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Right now, there's a shortage of good recruiters.

I bet there's not a man alive who wouldn't sell his soul

for the chance to jump in the sack with you.

Forget it!

(sizzling noise)

Sooner or later, I'm going to get you anyway.

Come along now, and I'll guarantee you a hell of a time.

If you're going to get me anyway,

I'd just as soon it was later and not sooner.

Terrible sight to see a beautiful body like yours

go through a meltdown.

What?

Tell you what,

you want to hedge your bet with me?

Make eternity a little less hellish?

(wheezing)

What did you have in mind?

Did you see "Rosemary's Baby"?

Yeah. What?!

No, no, I can't!

See, I'm... I'm expecting my periods.

I can't. I can't.

Male radio announcer: It's straight up 8:00

for the center of the known universe, New York City.

This is Ross Printon and we're locked into a pretty nice day.

Sunshine, blue skies,

so check your body parts and let's get busy.

Sorry I'm late.

I've called this meeting to congratulate Amanda

for convincing Ms. Faxton that F&B

is the best agency to handle Faxton Cosmetics

and to hear personally from Ms. Faxton

what ideas she might have to put us on the right track.

Ms. Faxton?

Well, obviously I have some ideas.

Faxton Cosmetics is the keystone to Faxton Inc.

And I intend to work hands-on with the account executive.

Therefore I expect you to give me

your most qualified, most experienced,

and most political executive.

Naturally.

Do you have someone in mind?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

What about Dan?

Oh, I'd be honored.

Fine. Good.

Then it's settled.

Absolutely, I understand.

Amanda: Congratulations, Dan.

Thanks.

I want you on the team.

Oh, good, well, why don't we discuss it over dinner

at Sardi's?

Unless you prefer to go someplace

a little more private.

Uh, no, Sardi's is great.

Good.

Then I can show you off.

Woman: Amanda.

Um, I located Rebecca Heckencamp,

who is now Mrs. Rebecca Sanderson

still living in Allentown.

Good, get her.

Amanda,

something's come up and I can't have dinner with you tonight.

Sheila Faxton wants to talk to you about the account, huh?

Yeah, well, I'm really disappointed.

I was looking forward to getting to know you better.

Next week, maybe? Monday, Tuesday?

Look, don't push it, Dan, okay?

Okay.

Schmuck.

Woman: Rebecca Sanderson.

Rebecca.

Rebecca, I'm-- I'm doing a book about the advertising business

and the men who have been successful in the field.

I understand that you went to high school

with Mr. Steven Brooks.

Rebecca: That Brooks, the prick that knocked me up,

I hate his guts!

Really, I'm shocked because, you know, that--

that's not at all the way he remembers it.

Rebecca: Well, he has a lousy memory.

If ever I see him again, I'll rip his balls off--

And you still feel that way after all these years?

You bet I do... Oh, I understand, yeah.

I just can't print it.

Getting down to the bottom of the barrel, Slick.

So it looks like Danny boy's

going to be tied up for the weekend, huh?

Tied up is a definite possibility.

Want to go to Duke's?

Sure, I'll shoot you some straight pool.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Woman: Hello?

Hello, Brenda? Who is this?

Brenda, I'm calling about Steven Brooks.

Brenda: Go fuck yourself.

Hello, hel-- (phone clicks, dial tone)

Brenda?

Shit!

Did you-- did you call your hairdresser?

Woman: Yeah, but he can't take you until next Wednesday.

What you--

Fuck, all's I want is a fucking haircut.

(baseball game over radio)

What can I do for you?

I'll take a ham on rye.

This is a barber shop, not a delicatessen.

Oh, then why don't you give me a haircut?

Laura, Higgins, wife still out of town?

Hey, Walt, sorry I'm so late.

One of those, you know, psycho cab drivers.

What?

Oh, yeah, got a haircut.

Like it?

Yeah, it's--

it's just such a surprise.

I mean, what happened?

You looked so beautiful.

Took me an hour to blow it dry every morning.

Hi, Amanda.

Duke, how's it hanging?

What are you drinking?

Bud.

Two Buds.

Where did you learn how to shoot?

Misspent youth.

I bet you could beat Steve.

I doubt it.

Hey, it's her; she's the one

I was telling you about last night.

Her? Yeah.

Cut her hair.

That's more like it.

Last night I thought she was a girl.

Walt: Hey, guys.

Let it go, Walt.

She's the one that hit you when you wasn't looking?

You got to be kidding me, her?

Hey, guys, we're in the middle of a game here, all right?

Forget about it, Walter. Hey what, Walter?

Hey what, Walter?

You with her, him, whatever she is?

Yeah, yeah I am. You got a problem with that?

Hey, Walter, looks like you got the problem.

Well, we should take the problem outside.

Well, let's go do it.

Argh!

Hey!

(glass shattering)

Hey, dollface, somebody hurt you?

Hi.

Amanda: Okay, come on, Bud.

Oh, for Christ's fucking sake, Walter.

You're really gaining weight.

How you doing there, Mrs. Witherspoon?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Okay, here we go. Oh, yeah.

Ah, fuck. Okay.

Amanda?

Yeah, Walt, it's me.

Okay, I got you.

(struggling)

Hi.

Oh, God.

Hey, cut it out, Walter.

Jesus!

Okay, come on.

I got you. I got you.

I got you now.

Okay.

Here you go.

(thud)

Walter?

Oh!

Ow.

Okay, come on, Walter. Come on, take off your pants.

Why, Ms. Brooks, what would your brother say?

(laughing) No, you're too drunk to get home.

You'll have to sleep here. Okay.

So take off your pants.

Ba-boom!

And then, come on, Walter.

Don't fool around now. (laughing)

Okay, okay, I'll help.

Get into bed.

Uh, give me a hand, Walter.

(struggling)

Okay, I heist, pull.

Okay.

Okay, quit fucking around.

Pull! (laughing)

Okay.

Ho!

Okay, come on. Get in the bed, Walter.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, God.

The lights are on.

Yeah, I know the light's on.

What do you think I am?

You think I don't know when the light is on?

Walter...

Hmm?

Get your hand off my ass.

You sure?

Argh!

No more hanky-panky, Walter.

(high-pitched voice) No more hanky-panky.

(phone ringing)

I'm up, oh.

(phone ringing)

Oh, sh--

Oh, yeah.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Mrs. Brofman here to see you.

What?

What the hell time is it?

It's a quarter to 10.

(sighs) Oh...

Okay, send her up.

Go on up.

Thanks, Mac.

Oh, my God.

(Walter groans)

Walter, where are your shorts?

Hm?

When you went to bed last night you were wearing your shorts.

Hm-mm.

Now, when did you take 'em off?

Well, I don't recall the exact moment.

And wipe that stupid smile off your face!

Walter! Huh?

How come you took your shorts off?

Amanda, don't you remember?

(screaming) Remember what, Walter? Remember what?

Well, we made love.

(doorbell)

(mumbling) Son of a...

Good morning!

What's so fucking good about it?

You're in a great mood.

What's the matter? Got your period?

I should be so fucking lucky.

Yeah?

What happened?

It's a long story.

Just give me the punch line.

I lost my virginity.

Obviously without your consent.

I passed out; I don't remember anything.

Who's the unlucky man?

(muffled speech) Hi, Margo.

(laughs) Walter!

Well, it's not exactly Romeo and Juliet,

but then I always say, to each his own.

Amanda, we got to talk here.

I don't talk to rapists!

Rapist?!

I was drunk, passed out.

She loved it!

Bullshit, Walt!

Don't you give me that macho, self-serving crap!

I was unconscious, buddy boy. I didn't love anything!

I was helpless. You took advantage of me!

I have never taken advantage of anybody in my life!

Oh, yeah, that's what all you guys say.

You take a girl out for dinner; you get her drunk.

It's date rape, Walt!

Read the paper, it happens all the time.

Well, it didn't happen here, not last night!

I don't believe it!

I mean, after all the years we've been buddies, it's like--

What?

Guys like you are what's wrong with this society--

What?

After all the years we've been buddies?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Don't try to change the subject here.

Do you realize that every six minutes,

a woman is raped in this country?

I didn't realize it. No, I'm sorry!

You didn't realize. Why should you realize?

Right, Walt? Why should you care?

You're just one of the assholes responsible--

Now wait a goddamn minute-- For what, Walt?

For you to rape some other poor, innocent, unsuspecting female?

I was a virgin, goddamn you!

Male television announcer: This morning the body of Steven Brooks,

New York advertising executive, was discovered floating

in the East River.

According to the police,

Brooks had been shot three times in the chest.

We'll continue to report on the facts of this case...

(phone ringing)

(phone ringing)

(phone continues ringing)

(TV turns off)

Hello?

Wha--?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

Well, who was that?

It was the police.

I got to identify my body.

Sorry to have to do this to you, but apparently

you're his only living relative.

This isn't going to be very pleasant.

The body's been in the water for quite a few days.

God.

I look awful.

Holy shit.

Jesus H. Christ.

Ms. Brooks-- Ah!

Oh, Higgins.

The police were here with a search warrant.

If they arrest you,

please don't say anything about the little redhead.

W-what makes you think they're going to arrest me?

They found your gun.

This whole thing feels like a bad dream.

Are you really sure that they can't trace that gun?

Not a chance.

You bitch.

You planted that gun in my apartment!

(screaming)

The gun's not registered. They'll never trace it.

You killed me, Margo. I'm not taking the rap for it.

Yeah, what are you going to tell them?

You're not really a woman?

You're Steve Brooks come back from the dead?

I got you to believe me, didn't I? You...

(struggling)

They'll lock you away in a padded cell

and throw away the key!

You'll never find that one female

who is going to get you to Heaven!

How much money you got?

3,000, it's in my purse on the bed.

Woman over P.A.: Service from New York

to Los Angeles, gate number one...

(crowd chatter)

Miss Brooks.

Going someplace?

No, I just like to hang around airports.

You're under arrest for the murder of Steven Brooks.

You invited Mr. Brooks to the party.

Yes, but he never showed up.

She's lying!

Your witness.

Man: When did you meet the defendant?

The morning after the party.

What did she tell you?

That she was Steve Brooks reincarnated as a woman.

What else did she tell you?

That I shot him.

Who?

Him. Her.

What else did she say?

That God had sent him back.

Would you mind speaking up, please?

That God had sent him back

and that he couldn't get into Heaven

until he found one female who liked him.

Him? Steve.

Her.

But she was drunk.

Amanda: No, I wasn't that drunk. Uh-uh.

You solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth?

So help me God.

State your name.

Steven Brooks.

(gavel bangs)

Amanda: It's been five months, Walter.

You got to get me out of here.

Walter: I'm doing the best that I can.

So how do you feel?

How do I feel?

How the fuck do you think feel, Walter?

I'm going to have a baby.

Your fucking fault.

I'd like to strangle you, that's how I feel.

Oh, look, I'm sorry. I don't know if you recall.

But you were very, very cooperative.

I simply do not choose to accept that fact, Walter.

Drunk or sober,

do you think that for one cotton-picking second,

Steve Brooks would ever even consider

making love to another man,

let alone his best friend?

Steve Brooks, no.

You still don't believe I'm Steve.

I don't, and I'm going to tell you why.

Three years ago, your birthday.

I sent you a little brunette.

You called her Aztec.

Hey!

Look, I don't know how you know about that--

Uh-huh...

If Steve Brooks did get pregnant,

he'd have an abortion.

I nearly did.

Why did you change your mind?

You're not going to believe this, but,

you know, there I was, I was laying on that table

and I had my feet in those stirrup-y things.

And all of the sudden,

it kind of like just came to me in a flash.

Maybe the only reason I wasn't roasting in somewhere in hell

was...

was because God wanted me to have this baby.

That's the only reason?

And making the Guinness Book of Records.

I don't know; I guess you really are Steve.

Ow! Argh!

What's wrong?

I don't know, oh, God!

Woman over P.A.: Dr. Gold, Dr. Gold to OB room 501, please.

Dr. Gold to OB room 501, please.

Hey, Walter.

How'd you know it was me?

Old Spice.

And you tip-toe louder than Gregory Hines tap dances.

Don't punch him.

I talked to the doctor today, you know.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh.

What did he say?

He's worried about you.

Says you got high blood pressure

and, uh...

diabetes.

I'm a big girl, Walt.

Cut to the chase.

He said that if you carried the baby to full term,

that there's a possibility that you might...

Die?

What about the baby, Walter?

That's the thing.

He said that if you decide not to have the baby, then--

Oh, no. I'm having the baby, Walter.

Can we talk about this here?

No, we can't talk about this.

Walt.

You can't imagine what it's like

to have a life inside you.

It's growing, Walter.

It's moving, it--

It lives because I live.

And when I die...

there's a part of me that...

goes on.

It's a truly amazing thing.

It is an honest-to-God miracle.

Which reminds me, you know,

just in case what the doctor says is true, you know...

How do you feel about being a full-time father?

Great.

I knew you wouldn't let me down, buddy.

Well, uh...

don't you think we ought to get married first?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Sure.

I got to get some rest here, Walt.

Okay.

Good night, honey.

Honey?

Amanda, do you take Walter to be your lawful wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Walter, take Amanda to be your lawful wedded wife?

I do. (snickers)

I do.

The rings.

With this ring, I thee wed.

There you go, Walt.

I, uh, now pronounce you

husband and wife.

Mr. Stone.

Morning.

(clears throat)

Walter.

I won't beat about the bush.

Your marriage has become an embarrassment to the firm,

so... I'm going to have to let you go.

Well, I was going to quit anyway, Arnold.

See, I'm going to become a father soon and, uh,

it'd really be an embarrassment for me to have to tell my kid

that I work for somebody like you.

Woman over P.A.: Dr. Harrison to OB ICU.

Dr. Harrison, please report to OB ICU.

Amanda?

Ahh!

Walt: Push!

Ha! Argh!

Breathe, all right?

Argh!

Walt: Breathe a little, you got to breathe a little.

Yes, push.

Argh!

(both) Argh!

Doctor: That's it, push.

Good.

(screaming) Doctor: Almost there now.

Now that's it, good.

Congratulations.

It's a girl.

(deep sigh)

(baby crying)

Look.

(baby crying)

Hoo!

You know what, Walt? Huh?

I think she likes me.

(baby crying loudly)

Woman: Something's wrong, Doctor. Amanda?

Doctor: Get her BP.

Take the baby now.

Amanda?

Doc. Woman: She's not breathing.

Doctor: What the hell's wrong?

(overlapping conversation)

What's wrong? Amanda!

(sustained beeping) Somebody do something!

(overlapping voices)

Amanda: Wow, what a beautiful baby.

Male and female voices: Yes. You did well.

Amanda: Wish I could be there and watch her grow up.

Male: Oh, you can watch her grow up.

But in the meantime, you have to decide

whether you want to be a male...

Female: ...or a female angel.

Amanda: Oh, hey, now, that's a tough one.

Okay if I think about it for a while?

(birds chirping)

(Walt grunts)

I love you, Mommy.

Okay.

Let's go.

Male and female: Have you made up your mind?

Amanda: Look, I don't want to be a problem,

but, you know, it's not an easy decision.

I really liked being a man.

Male: Naturally.

Amanda: But being a woman had its advantages.

Female: Definitely.

Amanda: Could I think about it just a little longer?

Male and female: Take your time.

You have all eternity.

♪ Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels ♪

♪ The dizzy dancing way you feel ♪

♪ As every fairy tale comes real ♪

♪ I've looked at love that way ♪

♪ But now it's just another show ♪

♪ You leave 'em laughing when you go ♪

♪ And if you care, don't let them know ♪

♪ Don't give yourself away ♪

♪ I've looked at love from both sides now ♪

♪ From give and take ♪

♪ And still somehow ♪

♪ It's love's illusions I recall ♪

♪ I really don't know love ♪

♪ At all ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Tears and fears and feeling proud ♪

♪ To say I love you right out loud ♪

♪ Dreams and schemes and circus crowds ♪

♪ I've looked at life that way ♪

♪ But now old friends are acting strange ♪

♪ They shake their heads, they say I've changed ♪

♪ But something's lost and something's gained ♪

♪ In living every day ♪

♪ I've looked at life from both sides now ♪

♪ From win and lose and still somehow ♪

♪ It's life's illusions I recall ♪

♪ I really don't know life ♪

♪ At all ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I've looked at life from both sides now ♪

♪ From win and lose and still somehow ♪

♪ It's life's illusions I recall ♪

♪ I really don't know life ♪

♪ At all ♪♪

(music ends)