Original subtitles

Previously on Kidding...

Pickles on Ice,

starring Mr. Pickles himself, as played

by gold medalist Tara Lipinski.

I want my head back.

Pickles on Ice requires a Mr. Pickles, Jeff.

Otherwise, it's just Tara Lipinski

ice dancing through a fever dream.

Here.

♪ Today's hidden ingredient ♪

- Ecstasy! - He's some Croatian voice actor.

Hi, Havana?

Maddy, we're not getting divorced.

I promise.

This is Mr. Pickles-san.

He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff around for a few weeks

and then bring back what he learned to Japan.

English, eh...

mm... not amazing.

You speak English?

I'm not speaking English.

What the actual fuck?

I'm in remission.

I love you so much.

Now that I can

plan ahead, I'm sorry.

Those plans don't involve you.

It'sss all so beautiful!

Agh!

Quel fromage!

- Agh! - Mr. Pickles... agh!

Every pain needs a name.

Ah!

Excuse me. Hey.

What?

Uh, can I buy three chickens?

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.addic7ed.com ...

Some college kid put it together.

We're sending a cease-and-desist.

Quel fromage!

- Has Jeff seen this? - We don't know.

Please get this game taken down

before he does. It'll upset him.

You won't like him when he's upset.

Today through December eighth

at the Columbus City Convention Center,

Tara Lipinski Visits Pickle Barrel Falls On Ice!

Get your tickets now.

Hello?

Your father loves you, Jeff,

but he's going to animate you.

- Who is this? - He doesn't want to, but he will.

He's asking all around Eastern Europe,

where talent is cheap and plentiful,

trying to find a voice like yours.

Am I on the radio?

He wanted me to call and threaten you.

I said no. I'm your friend.

But there are hundreds like me, Jeff.

Time's running out. It's not too late.

Listen to your father, Jeff.

Fall in line, Jeff.

Your entire existence is at stake!

Please, Jeff!

I learn English from watching your show.

Hello.

Listen, fucko.

Don't listen to that other guy.

He's crazy. I need this job.

I have a large Serbian family.

Little Ognjen needs his sarma!

Blow your fucking brains out.

I want to see your skull fragments

bounce off the White House windows!

Make me cartoon, pickle man.

Make me cartoon!

Please leave me alone.

Oops, you got me!

It's all so beautiful!

What are you guys playing?

I need something from you.

I spoke to our lawyers.

They're getting it taken down immediately.

Getting what taken down immediately?

Nothing.

Is the Pickles on Ice-tacular sold out?

Because St. Joan's said that I could

take 20 of my sick little pickle pals.

One of them, Brian,

has Landau-Kleffner syndrome.

His wish was to meet Ms. Lipinski.

I promised I would grant it.

What happened to my office, Jeff?

Did you do that?

Did you call several Serbian Jeffs?

I'm worried Vivian breaking up with you

the way she did has put you in a particularly dark place.

A woman is gonna live!

It's a miracle. We should be happy for her.

I know I am!

Tell you what: don't go to D.C. next week,

and I'll rethink turning you into a cartoon.

You're not turning me into a cartoon,

and I am going to D.C.,

because I have to light the national tree.

I don't want you on live TV.

You're in too much pain.

I stood behind that podium

months after my son died,

and nobody tried to stop me.

I don't see why some

run-of-the-mill breakup suddenly tips the scales.

I'm beginning to think that last year was a mistake,

and I'm sorry,

but last year, your eyes were soft.

Your voice was a Mormon trumpet,

a peaceful horn.

Now you are a bagpipe

of insanity.

This is not insanity.

This is how honesty looks

when you're inside out and upside down.

Jeff,

you're having a breakdown.

I'm having a breakthrough.

You know, I've never seen you lie,

except to yourself.

I'll get the tickets for the ice show.

I'm glad you're coming around to it.

It'sss all so... agh!

Quel fromage!

I need to know, did you have sexual relations

with the Japanese version of your brother?

Mr. Pickles-san is independently handsome.

He's your brother with subtitles.

I would rip you a new one if you had any asshole left.

Seriously, where do you get this stuff?

Me, a homosexual? I am the...

straightest dude I ever met. Go, Buckeyes.

We had that whole coded conversation

about pianos and clarinets!

I was talking about pianos and clarinets.

What-what-what were you talking about?

Your daughter saw her piano teacher

giving you a hand job in our driveway!

Oh, my God, who knows what she saw?

Rex is my friend.

Sure, we garden sometimes,

but there's nothing lurid going on between us.

You almost came out to me, Scott!

When?

That night in bed!

All I remember

is a night you wanted me

to name a happy child of divorce,

so think about that

before you become your mother.

You're gay.

You're gay. You're gay.

You're gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!

And my pussy needs attention.

My... pussy... needs... attention.

Can I go to Pop-Pop's?

Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you...

even when I hate you.

Don't forget your promise.

Yeah, I remember.

You promised you and Dad would always stay together.

I did say that. I remember.

Hi.

Hi.

Is that what you're wearing to the premiere?

Mommy's not coming.

No, Scott's in an...

he's in one of his moods.

I think he's depressed.

I love pussy!

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

- Is it? - Yes.

That's good.

Did you really think you could commit

such a blatant infidelity

- without any consequences? - I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking. I was selfish.

I'm a terrible person.

A child lives in this house, Deirdre.

We'll tell her you're away on a trip.

Fine, you should tell her.

I'm a terrible liar. Oh.

Ohayo gozaimasu.

He needs to find another place to sleep.

I agree.

He's overstayed his welcome.

A-and seriously, how much longer

do you need to stay here?

It-it-it's a puppet show.

You're not learning the ways of the freaking Jedi.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, fuck you.

God damn it.

I think we should fuck.

I cannot. I'm sorry.

All Pickles-sans take a vow of chastity.

This has been tradition since the show began.

How many Pickles-sans have there been?

I'm the second.

I think we should fuck.

I cannot. I'm sorry.

I serve a higher moral authority:

the children of Japan.

I think...

we should fuck!

Who wants an autograph?

Oh, I do. I do.

Oh, here you go, kid. I like that sweater.

- Thank you. - Who's next?

- I am. - She's beautiful.

You really like watching Ms. Lipinski, don't you, Brian?

If I stop watching,

she'll fall down.

Well, then you better not take your eyes off her.

_

Hmm.

Hello.

Hi, Mr. Pickles.

This is Principal Ward from Will's school.

We have a bit of a situation here.

Oh, mon dieu!

Life is meaningless.

Hey, that hurts!

Looks like someone got a new phone.

Thank you, Will.

You can wait out here.

Can I see the parents now,

and only the parents?

Have they found number three yet?

There is no number three, is there?

Why'd you do it?

To impress that girl.

You think she got the message?

Women.

Women.

There is no good way to say this.

One of Will's chickens pecked a cook in the genitalia.

It swelled up, and we had

to put a special sock around it.

Will generally doesn't act like this.

He'll apologize.

I like Will, but he's changed.

He has new friends,

and I can't prove it, but...

I think he's smoking marijuana.

It's an epidemic.

Every family has a Will.

My brother Paul started as a Will.

Paul owes a lot of people money.

Paul once got so drunk on alcohol,

he broke into a bowling alley at night

and fried his own food at the snack bar.

I don't think Will is Paul yet, so...

I'm letting him off with a warning.

Thank you for your lenience and your candor.

The pot thing, we take very seriously.

Why can't Will be an asshole?

Hmm?

Why can't Will be an asshole?

I'm sorry. I like that he's

an asshole. I don't know why.

Sometimes it's okay to be an asshole.

Sometimes the world needs assholes.

Paul sounds awesome. I'd like to hang out with Paul.

Paul's living his best life.

I don't understand.

I do.

We love our children.

We love them when they're good,

but we love them more when they challenge us.

When children misbehave,

they're reminding us

of how much we must love them

if we're still willing to tuck them in at night.

When Will acts out,

it reminds her of his deceased brother.

I think we should suspend him.

I'm sorry, I have to go.

What happened?

You're suspended.

Now let's go get some hotcakes.

Yeah?

All of us?

Did you want me to join,

or are you guys... just want family time?

Um, I think just the family, if that's okay.

Principal Ward,

I found the number three chicken.

Good work, Barnaby.

Uh, let's get out of here.

Jeff's left. I don't think he's coming back.

Put on the Pickles.

No, I'm sorry.

I promised him I would be myself and only myself.

I've sunk my reputation

and a considerable chunk of my 401

into this endeavor.

The people need the Pickles.

The puppets need to find Mr. Pickles,

or the ice narrative has no ending.

Listen to reason.

You're beautiful just the way you are.

Shut up!

Sorry. That's our new parakeet,

Sarakeet. Uh, she talks too much,

uh, kind of like me.

I don't think I've ever seen you talk.

Uh, well,

I only try to talk during meals

because it-it keeps me from eating.

It's a diet I made up.

Shut up, skinny bitch.

I tell you what, Tara's sister.

"Sah-ra."

Actually, Sarah.

I go by Sarah now.

I don't care what it rhymes with.

How would you like your turn in the limelight...

Sarah?

It's that time, pickle pals.

Astronotter, Ennui Le Triste, The Oops,

and all their friends invite you to take

the hand of the loved one sitting next to you

and brace yourselves for a trip down

Pickle Barrel Falls.

Disaster! Monsieur Pickles has gone missing!

Without him, we cannot survive.

Maybe,

with the help of Tara Lipinski,

we can locate him.

Did you and Grandma ever fight?

Oh, all the time.

She cheated on me. Then I cheated on her.

Then we got a divorce.

She took the cat. Hmm.

She got in a car to go visit her sister

for a few weeks.

Nine days later, the cat came back,

but we never saw Grandma again.

Anyway, don't worry.

My wife had severe mental issues,

not like your mother.

- No, no, no! - Yes! Yes!

No, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop!

- Yes! Yes! Yes! - Stop, stop!

Yes, damn it! Yes!

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. I thought we were both enjoying it.

Did I break it?

Here you are.

Mr. Pickles, please, enjoy.

- Thank you so much. - Thanks.

We will.

Have we eaten here before?

I don't think so.

Am I in trouble?

We're not angry.

Why not?

We just like pancakes more

than we could ever be angry at you.

When will your divorce be official?

Sometime down the road.

Is it a long road?

I don't know.

Do you want to see a magic trick?

- Yes. - Oh, you bet.

First, I need to pee.

Oh, yeah, keep us

on the edge of our seat much?

If we eat real quick,

we can catch the end of Pickles on Ice.

Yeah?

It's a super show,

now that I made some changes and stuff.

I'm thinking of asking Peter to move in.

What?

They say time and space are both immutable,

governed by laws that cannot be broken.

All I have to say to that is...

How are you doing that?

... laws were meant to be broken.

Seriously, how are you doing that?

Doing what?

That!

A magician never reveals his secrets.

And that's why they call me...

... the amazing Pickle-ini!

You're hurting my arm!

That boy has every reason to ask

for everything and doesn't.

You have no reason to ask for anything,

and you can't keep your mouth shut.

Learn how to keep your mouth shut.

You hear me?

Stop!

Are you okay?

- Yeah. - Okay.

I'm fine.

Okay.

Good trick, Will.

Quel fromage.

We will never find Monsieur Pickles, Tara.

Don't worry, Ennui.

Mr. Pickles made a promise,

and when Mr. Pickles makes a promise,

Mr. Pickles keeps his promise.

Go, Tara, go!

Tara, I love you!

Regardez!

It is Monsieur Pickles!

We are saved!

That's right, it's me, Mr. Pickles!

Hi! Hey!

I'm sorry, but the show

just didn't make sense without you.

You promised.

You promised!

_

Gosh darn it.

Okay, Sarah, you can do this.

I believe in you.

Pshoo!

No!

- Awesome! - Tara!

It was an accident!

It was an accident!

It's all my fault.

I looked away!

There's something wrong, Brian.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - ... www.addic7ed.com ...