Original subtitles

[Adam] Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...

He's barely breathing. Call an ambulance.

[Edgar] Of all the graves I've pissed on,

this'd be the least satisfying.

The fuck are you doing?

You're a sad fucking excuse for a son!

What is your plan for me here?

I'm killing it every night in the Cellar.

All right? I need the Main Stage.

- What do you want? - A business partner.

If you could get Pryor to play my club--

What I am proposing is that we build our own Pryor.

[Roy] You want me to represent you?

You're gonna dump the broad, clean up your act.

That's my offer.

[Ron] He wants me to audition

for a guest role on one of his sitcoms next week.

- Hey! - [screams]

They're sketches. They're not exactly Shakespeare.

Got one of my girls to rewrite it.

No, you don't hire writers.

No, not without consulting me.

Why can't you compromise on something?

Because then I'd be you.

♪ jazz music ♪

♪♪

[Edgar] Are you having a good time, ma'am?

Really? All right.

Tell your face.

[laughter]

[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.

That means what?

Comedians are coming home...

from Canada.

[wild laughter]

[Adam] I used to do a lot of handyman work,

growing up.

Mostly because my dad was in the business...

of breaking shit.

[laughter continues]

[Cassie] Well, what are you doing in here?

That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.

[laughter]

[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.

You've been a...

slightly above average crowd.

[laughter and applause]

[man] Sheppard and Berenson take the draw at center ice.

Berenson wins the faceoff. Back to Bergman

who fires it up the boards to Bailey.

Bailey dumps it into the Boston end

as Orr and Leduc race to the corner.

Orr dishes it to Sims as Berenson closes in.

Sims sends it up to O'Reilly who crossed the red line.

He headmans it to Sheppard who snaps one in on Rutherford

from the top of the faceoff dot to the right of Rutherford.

Rutherford deflects it into the corner

where Thommie Bergman digs it out

and O'Reilly sends him into the boards

with a bruising check.

Now Marcotte to center.

[Bill moaning]

Fuck yeah.

[phone ringing]

Shut up! Shut up!

[ringing continues]

Fuck.

What?

[car horn honks]

- Hey, Joe. - Yeah?

You mind if I take all these?

I don't see a nickel from them.

That a friend of yours?

Not really.

Maybe that'll be you someday.

Ha-ha. All right.

Hey, Chris.

Chris.

Hey.

Hi.

How you doing?

Think you lost something here.

There you go.

- Cool. - That's for you.

Thanks, Arnie.

- All right, take care. - Later, alligator.

[tools pounding and rattling]

Well? You ain't said nothin'.

I don't know.

Kind of miss the way it was before.

Empty?

Maybe.

At least it felt like me.

Let me let you in on a little somethin'.

Nobody wants to go to a place that feels like you.

[chuckles]

[Adam] I'll be damned.

Goldie, you did this?

You asked for the moon and the stars.

We're building your rocket ship.

Right now, the Cellar is as hot a draw as the Main Stage.

It's gonna get even more so after this.

So starting tonight, you get 30 minutes.

I can do that. Yeah, I can do that.

You work it to a tight 45, and we'll go Main Stage.

As a headliner?

You stay on course,

I'm guaranteeing you Carson in a year.

Well, f-- Carson in a year, that--

You work my Cellar. You do your homework.

Is that a promise?

Promise?

Santa Claus makes promises.

That's why he's always smiling.

People who make guarantees never smile

because they know how much hard fuckin' work it's gonna take.

I don't even--I don't-- I don't even know what to say.

I'm-- thank you, Goldie.

You think I did that just for you?

- Probably not. - I want to be perfectly

clear here, Adam.

There are two things I will never do:

A, whisper in your ear,

and B, do something

that doesn't benefit me first.

You know what that makes me?

What?

The devil you know.

[Bill] Guys, you know when you're dating someone new?

The conversation is simple. It's easy, right?

You know, it's harmless back story.

Like, oh, when you were six, your cat had six kittens?

Neat. Wow.

Oh, you chipped a tooth on a caramel apple?

Wow, that is interesting.

It's the conversational equivalent of watching soccer.

It's boring as shit.

- What is Bill doing here? - Killing it.

Yeah, where else should he be?

Have you guys not heard about his dad?

- What? - He died last night.

- Heart attack. - Shut the fuck up.

- His sister called me. - Fuck.

- When's the funeral? - Saturday.

But it doesn't matter, because he's not going.

Really?

Not going to his own father's funeral.

I mean, he's gotta, don't he?

Apparently, he don't gotta.

Guys, we have no answers for all this stuff.

[Bill] You know, we're totally at a loss.

We dream about the time

she went and talked about that dumb cat

and her six kittens that we never gave a fuck about.

You know when you go to a Chinese restaurant,

you see a lot of Chinese people eating there.

You think, "Hey, it's probably a good restaurant."

You know, "We should eat there."

How come that doesn't work with other things?

Like if you go to a bar and see that it's filled

with alcoholics, you don't go,

"Hey, look at that guy puking in the corner.

Maybe this is where we should have a few drinks," right?

["Love in the City" by John Stokes playing on radio]

♪♪

Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

Then why aren't you laughing?

Because...

♪♪

You're not funny.

And I don't love you anymore.

I'm not gonna lie.

I think one might've impacted the other.

[scoffs]

We just had sex.

Yeah, I know. I was gonna leave a note,

but I felt like this is more personal.

♪ Come to town ♪

You just gonna roll out here with this shit?

Yeah. Dying's easy.

Family's hard. Don't worry about me.

[Sully] When my Aunt Annie died, I had a cousin

who flew 3,000 miles to go the wake,

which made me look bad 'cause I lived a block away

and I missed it.

That is so weird,

knowing how much you prioritize family.

Shouldn't you be chasing coyotes and watching them shit

and then sifting through it to find

your little cat's flea collar?

That was really-- that was hurtful.

Seriously, what's going on with you and Betty?

Yeah, what the fuck is going on with you and Betty?

No, no, no. Guys.

His father is dead.

Bill, this is your day.

Have you spoken to anyone in your family

since your decision?

[scoffs] No. Why would I?

My dad's dead. It's very sad.

There's not much I can do about it.

You can be there for your family.

You can be there for your mom.

I have three brothers and two sisters.

That's plenty of people to keep her chardonnay glass full.

That is a lot of people if they're just pouring chardonnay.

[laughs]

On that note, it is late.

3 a.m. So...

[indistinct chatter]

[Ralph] What are you talking about?

I pay every time.

[Sully] Go to the funeral. Jesus.

Hey.

Let me guess.

- Susan. - Yeah.

Well, she's worried about you.

Your whole family is concerned.

- You don't have to do this. - Do what?

Act like you don't care.

You're angry, I-- believe me, I get it.

What happened...

was so dramatic and shocking.

A heart attack out of nowhere, it's...

What are you doing?

I--what do you mean?

We're not that. Don't do that, okay?

I'm not your job anymore.

Just because we don't sleep together

doesn't mean that I don't still care about you.

Yeah, well, do me a favor, Cass. Don't.

[indistinct announcement over PA]

[phone ringing]

[man] You here for methadone?

[Nick] Is that what this place is?

- [man] Funny. - [Nick] Mm-hmm.

Say good-bye to your heroin high.

Yeah.

I know you?

No.

You sure?

Look, I don't want to be a dick,

but I'm kind of reading something here, so...

I saw you on TV!

Carson, right?

I saw you.

You're hilarious.

That was you, right?

Yeah, that was me.

- Ah! Johnny fucking Carson. - Yeah.

[woman] Nick Beverly. Nick Beverly.

Well, I'm up.

Here's Johnny! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha.

Just going to get my methadone.

[man] Hey, this guy was a fucking comedian

on The Tonight Show! That's Nick Beatty.

[laughs]

[light applause]

[knocking on door]

Oh, hey.

Aw, come here.

That's right.

You sit down. Hmm?

- Drink? - Sure.

My sister said you sent flowers.

I just wanted to say thank you.

My uncle Isaac died of a heart attack

sitting on the sofa watching football.

The Jets get the touchdown.

Didn't budge.

We should all go so quietly.

Wasn't a heart attack.

Suicide.

Oh, Jesus, Billy.

He gassed himself in our garage.

♪ melancholy music ♪

He'd been depressed for a while, so...

Fuckin' suicide.

♪♪

How're you holding up?

Your family?

- You know. - No, I don't.

It's business as usual.

♪♪

My sister said it was Japanese cars.

You know, my dad had too much faith in GM.

He said Americans would never buy a Jap car.

It'd been that way forever, so why would it change?

He was always so fucking sure of himself.

Death by lingchi.

By what?

- Lingchi. - Mm-mm.

Death by a thousand cuts.

The Chinese, they would execute people

by cutting off

little pieces of their flesh

piece by piece.

That's how Dad described life in general.

Slow. Methodical.

The ultimate punishment.

♪♪

Punishment for what?

In my dad's case, hubris.

It kind of runs in the family.

Hey, Eddie.

- You happy here? - I'd say I make a living,

but we both know that's not true.

Always with joke.

Eddie, I like you, but, uh, open comedy not really working.

Best for everyone to stop.

Wait, what are you talking about?

It's just starting to catch on.

Four people sharing egg cream for two hours

not really "catching on."

Think I'll go back to having sister sing

American songs about love and strife.

Grajca, please. Please be patient, okay?

These things, they-- they take time to build.

Comedy's gonna be a big draw here.

Trust me. You'll make money.

I don't know.

Maybe need hire different host.

I'm the emcee. I'm the host.

The whole freaking point is that it's me.

Don't get me wrong. You're funny.

For all of five minutes.

- Then, eh. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying that I don't have a tight 15?

Would you mind criticism?

You mean constructive criticism?

No, just criticism.

Tell joke more like,

"Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-funny line.

Da-da, da-da, da-da, da, funny line."

- You get? - Yeah, Grajca, that's--

that's not really my style, okay?

I'm not a "da, da-da, da-da, da" type of comic, you know?

Everything is all, "My parents don't love me.

I never have sex with woman.

I'm Jewish."

All so sad.

[Eddie] Okay.

I will "da, da-da, da-da, da,"

but you just, you got to let me keep the open mic.

- [sighs] Okay. - Yeah?

Two nights.

Thank you, Grajca.

Tuesday and Wednesday.

But...those are the two slowest nights.

What I need entertainment for when it's busy?

If comedy make people come,

make come on nights when empty.

[sighs]

Cut the stand-up?

A little.

Look, it's hit or miss,

the girls going up alone to the microphone,

but the sketches are coming along fine.

Fred is happy. Everybody's happy.

The girls are over the moon.

Stand-up is how this whole thing originated.

Stand-up is what this show is about.

Goldie, I get it, okay?

Look, it's always the same

at this stage of production.

Everybody's running around like Chicken Little,

saying the sky is falling, everything's going to shit,

but, and Eli will back me up on this,

if you just stay calm and you do your work,

everything's gonna turn out all right, okay?

We do the sketches, and we're working the stand-up,

what, by the girls popping up,

doing their little interstitial jokes.

It'll be just like Laugh-In. Everybody wins.

What is this, 1970? 'Cause the last time I looked,

Laugh-In was headed down the shitter.

Listen, your sets,

they're brighter than the Sun's surface,

and there's a way to make stand-up work.

We take one of the sets,

and we make an exact replica of my stage.

And why would I do that?

You've been to Goldie's.

I put the focus on the comic.

It's dark, and the funny shines.

And that's where the focus would lie, huh?

Make for a better show,

and then we can give these comics

the five minutes each that they signed up for.

Well, ain't you the hooker with the heart of gold.

- [laughs] - Goldie, people want to see

comedy in a comedy club,

they go to a club.

They don't want to watch it on TV.

Sketches work. It's been proven.

You're wrong. Dead wrong.

Really? I'm wrong?

Okay, and how many Emmys do you have?

None, but if you air these sketches,

I will not be asking my maid to dust off the mantel shelves

any time soon.

Okay, okay.

Look. I think Marty's right.

Let's keep the stand-up as it is,

with the girls popping up every now and then.

They'll get plenty of time, all right, and then maybe have

the writers take another whack at the sketches

and let the girls throw in their two cents.

Huh?

Okay?

[elevator dings]

I don't know what the hell that was up there.

I mean, no matter what's going on between us,

we got to be on the same fuckin' page.

I am getting tired of jumping on grenades

every time you open your mouth.

Why don't you try listening for a change?

Well, if someone had something

fucking intelligent to say, I would.

Oh, right, 'cause you're the only one

with an opinion that's worth anything.

Given your vast experience with the television landscape,

we should all just cock our heads

in your direction every time a light bulb

pops up over your head.

- Hey-- - It's network television.

It's not your night club.

Okay? Just do your job. Let them do theirs.

♪ dramatic music ♪

♪♪

[Edgar] All right, ladies and gentlemen.

You ready for your next comic?

[cheers and applause]

You've seen this guy on Carson,

and now you're gonna see him here.

The only difference is, you are not in your pajamas

exhausted from begging your wife for sex.

Ladies and gentlemen, big round of applause for Nick Beverly!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you for that introduction, my good friend,

uh, weird Mexican guy whose name keeps changing.

Manny Martinez, everybody. Let's keep it going, huh?

[applause]

So, my girlfriend

recently moved out.

She packed--

[muttering] Fuck.

[man laughs]

Sorry.

As I was saying

before God stuck his finger up my ass,

my girlfriend moved out recently.

Just picked up in the middle of the night.

That, or we were robbed, and they only took her shit.

[scattered laughter]

It was probably time, though.

Our love life, not so great.

You know it's not good when your girlfriend refers

to having sex with you as "taking one for the team."

[woman laughs]

Who was that?

Who laughed?

[woman laughs awkwardly]

What's your name?

Um, Robin.

Robin.

Don't. Okay?

I would rather a woman fake an orgasm than fake a laugh.

All right?

[chuckles nervously]

Ooh, Nietzsche was right, huh?

"When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you."

[chair creaking]

Thanks for coming.

You know Nietzsche, Robin?

[chuckles nervously]

Hey. It's okay. It's okay.

It's not a test.

I was... You have passed.

I am the one who is up here failing.

Um...

♪ solemn music ♪

♪♪

It-it's okay. Tell a joke.

Right.

♪♪

Um...

♪♪

"One must still have chaos in oneself

to be able to give birth to a dancing star."

I'm sorry, Robin.

[Edgar] Nick Beverly!

He is available for kids' parties.

[laughter]

Don't forget to tip your therapist, huh?

"The doorbell rings.

Bobby opens the door,

revealing a nervous mailman, Benny,

who is now hyperventilating."

[breathing heavily]

"Neither rain nor sleet nor hail's

supposed to stop the U.S. Mail,

but nobody said anything about...

[whispering] black people."

"Something bothering you, my man?"

"I'm sorry. It's my first day on the job,

and nobody told me everyone on my delivery route is--

[whispering] black."

"Brother, you're not swearing.

You can say the word."

"I just don't want to offend anyone."

"What are you talking about? It's what we are.

- Black is the color--" - All right. Okay.

I'm gonna-I'm gonna stop you right there.

It would really help me for the audition tomorrow

if you could do it a little...

You know, just put a little...

You know what I'm saying.

Just do a little--you know, a little jive in there.

You know what I mean.

What the fuck is "a little bit more jive"?

You know, just do it a little--

- Blacker. - Blacker. Yeah.

Thank you. [clears throat]

You know, not like this angry black

you're doing right now, but--

but, you know, like, okay, for example, it's not,

"What are you talking about?"

It's, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout?"

Who do you talk-- I'm doing it the way

that I would do it, and I'm black.

But you're real-life black.

I need, like, like, TV black.

You know, like you're written by a bunch of white Jewish guys.

What the fuck?

What's going on?

Did you get stiffed by a busload of blue hairs again?

Fucking Grajca's cutting down the open mic

to Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

So what's the bad news?

All right. Okay.

You're auditioning for a bit part on a sitcom,

so let's just tone down the arrogance a notch.

Hmm. I'll remember this impertinence

when my TV paycheck is floating your ass.

Are you really that delusional?

Do you think because you might land a one-time part

that you're gonna be taking care of me?

How about we start with you taking care of you for a change?

Huh? How about we start there?

- I was fucking joking. - Oh.

Jeez, Mary, go pop a fucking Midol

and ride your cramps out in the closet.

I'm busy manifesting here.

Oh, if you say you manifested this,

I'm gonna kick the shit out of you, just so you know.

I did. I manifested it.

All right.

You're dead.

Here we go.

You're dead.

- Come here, tough guy. - Oh? Huh?

Don't fucking touch me.

Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

♪ fast-paced jazz ♪

Ah!

Hey, I'm starting to feel like this fight

was written by white Jewish guys.

Kaufman, man.

This fucking guy.

Genius.

I saw him do this busboy bit one time.

He was just yelling at the customers,

like, flipping out.

Half the people were laughing, half the people didn't know

what the fuck he was doing. It was amazing.

We're all slaves to the joke, right?

Not Kaufman.

That's probably why everyone loves him so much.

[Cass] There's nothing in here.

Not a word.

Did they hate everything?

Oh, trust me. They never even read your stuff.

Talking to these people, it's like coaxing

a fucking mule onto the expressway.

Sweetie.

Well, can't get any worse, right?

Never underestimate the aggressively untalented.

Ugh. Thank you.

You got anybody coming to the, uh, taping?

Uh, any of the guys?

No. Bill doesn't want anything to do with me.

He hates me.

Trust me, it's not you Bill hates.

The whole thing with his dad.

Fucking terrible.

Ugh.

Heart attack.

It's just-- it's-it's just awful.

Yeah.

Funeral is on Saturday, and I know Bill,

and I know what he's gonna do to himself for not going.

Every one of these guys is a high-wire act.

Falls are inevitable.

The best you can do is help him back up there.

Well, he doesn't want my help.

[scoffs] More than sex,

more than laughing at their jokes

or telling them how strong they are,

men want help.

Yeah? So then why do they act so stoic and hard all the time,

like a fucking tear means

they're about to get their period?

Eh, because that's the way we like 'em.

Ugh.

Ain't that the fucking truth?

[laughs]

How's the stand-up coming?

Hmm? You got a tight five for this show?

Fucked if I know.

Fucked if I know anything at this point.

You know what Goldie's was before it was a comedy club?

Some kind of performance space?

Yeah, we did plays, one-acts, monologues, folk singers.

We even had an act where a gal rode a guy

around a stage naked for half an hour.

It was crazy times.

I ate, worked, and slept there.

Changed a lot of Mandy's diapers there too.

Sid left when she was five,

and we bumped along another five years,

and then I rolled the dice on comedy.

After a while, things did what they did.

The point being,

it didn't matter whether I was ready or not.

Shit was happening one way or another.

You ever wonder what you would've done if,

you know, it failed?

Oh.

You mean like options?

[sighs] Eh.

I guess.

You have options, you have outs.

All I had was gut and survival.

Believe me, Cass.

The best thing that ever happened to me

was getting painted into that corner.

You'll be okay.

[Mike] So, how is it amongst the living, Nick?

♪ mellow music ♪

You surviving?

'Bout it.

Three weeks now?

Mm-hmm. Yesterday.

♪♪

Anything new come up as of late?

Meaning?

You know, getting clean.

Sometimes, when the fog lifts,

shit gets a little clearer.

Yeah, one thing's a little clearer.

I'm...not funny anymore.

You rang?

I'm putting Adam up at ten tomorrow night

in the Cellar.

30 minutes.

Double time.

You're emceeing down there tomorrow night.

I thought you should know.

Anything else?

You tell me.

Well, based off what, Goldie?

A fucking article in the Free Press?

Remember Skip Krake?

- Yeah. - Jerry Korab?

And they were the next hot fucking thing too.

I got to say, Ralph, I'm kind of surprised.

I thought you'd want to support the kid,

maybe even mentor him.

Why? 'Cause he black?

Well, partly. Mostly because he needs it.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I already reached out, and that motherfucker bit me.

But you know what really burns my ass?

I been on this stage most every night

since you opened this place.

Where is my fuckin' article?

Where's my hand up, huh?

And please don't give me this bullshit

about Sonny and Cher.

I ain't talking no phone calls

where I make somebody else funny.

Truly sorry, Ralph.

I had no idea things were so tough.

I've done everything that's ever been asked of me.

Motherfuckin' everything.

Ralph.

I got to admit, I'm kind of lost.

Who exactly are you railing against?

Oh, thank you. You guys having a good time?

Yeah. Good, good. Only 16 more comics to go.

All right, we're gonna have--

So you doing better?

A relative term.

Yeah, well, you look like shit.

It's a good thing.

Means you're doing the program.

Thanks for doing this.

Taking me back.

You can, uh, thank your fairy godmother.

Anyways, the, uh, the Mike Douglas Show,

they love you.

Doesn't that shoot in Philly?

Oh, they'll fly you out.

The people we're meeting first, they're here.

We're having lunch with them tomorrow.

- What do they know about-- - Nada.

You're as straight as the Tin Man's dick,

as far as anyone's concerned.

Can you do me a favor?

God knows I owe you one.

I know you're going through a lot of shit,

getting cleaned up, girlfriend,

but I need to see a little bit more

than what's standing in front of me.

Can you manage that?

You got it, Chief.

Excellent.

[sighs]

You seen Sully before?

Yes, I have.

Can you stop?

It's bad enough we have to touch asses,

but when they rub, it's too much.

Should I just call them?

[groans] Jesus.

We've been through this.

They're probably dealing with more important things

than your two-line part.

They'll probably call you tomorrow.

Yeah, most likely to say "no, thanks"

after you put the kibosh on it.

- Excuse me? - You.

You unmanifested this job for me.

That's not a word.

All my hard work manifesting

just...down the toilet

thanks to you, Captain Negative.

Well, I worked a double shift,

so I'm too tired to listen to your goo-goo universe talk.

Yeah, right, like there's not part of you that'll be happy

if I don't get this job.

Our asses aren't even touching.

It's just all the negativity in your ass,

it's like a magnet sucking all the positive energy

I've been manifesting out of my ass.

Ron...

did you ever think that if you don't get the job,

it's because you didn't do anything to earn it?

You didn't manifest anything with your positive bullshit.

You got lucky. You got an audition.

And now if it doesn't go your way,

you want to point fingers,

claiming that somehow I caused you not getting the part?

If you don't get the part,

it's because there was somebody fuckin' better for the job.

End of fuckin' story. Get used to it.

[Arnie] Hey! You two!

Either shut the fuck up or get married!

[both] Fuck off!

Wait, you want my Chris?

Just for one night.

I'll pay him 20 bucks.

It's for a comedy bit.

An avant-garde comedy bit.

So, what, you're gonna make fun of my son or something?

No, no, no.

Never. I promise.

He's gonna make fun of me.

How you doing, Chief?

- Figgy? - Oh, yeah, I want a figgy.

- Cool. - Been in a school play, right?

I think so.

- Yeah, cool. - Mm-hmm.

[phone rings]

- Yeah? - [Roy] Yeah.

When you see your Nick,

you can tell him to go fuck himself.

Hold on.

Getting a pencil.

What'd he do?

We had a meeting with the Mike Douglas people today.

All he had to do was fucking show up.

Instead, no-show, and I'm stuck

with my dick in my hand, looking like an asshole.

You couldn't come up with an excuse?

Maybe I overestimated you as an agent.

Ha-ha-ha. Fuck you.

You're gonna have to get in line like everybody else.

♪ lighthearted rock music ♪

Fucking cunt.

I look like family?

All I know is, your mom wanted it out, pronto.

Can you sign? I got to get going.

♪ The Band's "It Makes No Difference" ♪

Look, fucking thing's cherry.

He obviously wanted you to have it,

so why not enjoy it?

Fruits of his labor and shit.

♪ I can't get over you and the flame still burns ♪

♪♪

[Ron] Yeah?

♪ It makes no difference ♪

Of course.

Okay.

Thanks.

Yeah, thanks for calling.

♪ The shadow never seems to fade away ♪

♪ And the sun ♪

♪ Don't shine ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

[Eddie] Uh, no, but I do enjoy sex.

I really do.

But what I enjoy most

is the sound of a woman having sex.

Her all moaning and loud.

And me,

with a cup pressed against the wall, listening.

[clears throat]

Uh, well, thank you.

You've been a very, uh, lively crowd.

Have a good night.

♪♪

[clears throat]

♪♪

[slowly] Eddie.

We're out of the brisket,

and the soup is chicken and rice.

Oh, I didn't come here to eat.

I came here to pay you for the joke I used.

- Stole. - Stole.

And to make you an offer.

Now, look, you're a funny guy,

so I want you to write more stuff for me.

Now, I'm gonna pay you for everything I use.

5 bucks a joke.

Well, let me think about it. Fuck you.

[chuckles] Okay.

Look. If you get over yourself...

Here's my card.

[schmaltzy guitar music playing on radio]

♪♪

[Arnie] Okay.

So you're gonna help me out with my act,

but nobody can know that you're helping.

- It's a secret. - Exactly.

- Do you know what heckling is? - No.

It's when a comic's up on stage

and you say mean shit to him to fuck with him.

- That's two swears. - [laughs] Sorry.

So you want me to yell mean things at you?

Yeah, but it's all pretend.

See, when I start talking, you immediately yell,

"You suck!" Or, "Get off the stage!"

Or whatever mean thing you want to yell,

and then you just keep yelling mean things out

until the end of the act.

Arnie, why is that funny?

Well, there's this guy named Andy Kaufman.

He's a real genius.

He just comes on stage and does weird stuff.

People love it.

So it's like that.

It's, uh, complicated.

- I can add fractions. - Great!

So you know what I'm talking about.

Definitely.

Fantastic.

That's why I date Jewish girls.

Seriously.

I love Jewish women. I do.

But you know what's a lot of pressure?

Being a white person's only black friend.

No, no, no. I'm being serious, y'all.

'Cause it's like, you got to get used to

being shown off like you're some possession

that makes them cooler.

[laughter]

"Oh, yes, this is my, uh, my Mercedes-Benz.

And this over here is my state-of-the-art sound system.

And if you look behind you-- don't get scared now--

that's my black friend, Lamar."

"Hey, man, I'ma fuck your wife."

"Isn't he delightful?"

[laughter]

One thing I like to do when I'm a white person's

only black friend is, I like to...

give 'em misinformation,

you know, just to fuck with 'em.

Say shit like, "Hey, you know, when a black person

loses a baby tooth, an adult tooth pops

right into place, but then when they lose

that adult tooth, a gold tooth, right there.

Just pops--" It's like a rite of passage.

Look, smile, brother.

I told you. See, it's not a joke.

Seriously. Another one-- ooh, another good one is

I like to say, "Hey, do you know why all black dudes,

like, wear shower caps in the--"

Come on, man. Give me five minutes.

Help a brother out. You're cutting me off.

I'm trying to help a brother off.

[all] Aww.

Thank you. [laughs]

Adam Proteau!

[cheers and applause]

Comic to watch in '74...

You know, if you ain't already got shit to do.

[laughs]

Time was up. [laughs]

Anyway, look at you. Looking delicious.

Girl, what's up?

Hey, how much longer you gonna put up with this disrespect?

Now, listen, my offer is still good, son.

You could be headlining tomorrow night

at King Theodore's, and ain't nobody

gonna cut you off then. That's for damn sure.

What's the matter? You want to say something?

No, I just think that it's best if I stay here for now.

No, but thank you, though. That's cool.

Oh, this is just because, um,

Goldie got you a picture in the paper last week, huh?

Oh. Yeah, Free Press. [laughs]

Good to know that your picture's gonna be

gracing the bottom of birdcages all over LA.

But you the only one shittin' on it.

Meanwhile, Goldie gave me double time,

30 minutes, so I'm cool.

Gives you double pay too?

Seem like she gettin' the best of the deal.

All you got is a story in a paper that nobody reads.

Chinese food, though. It's a dog-eat-dog world, right?

I kid the Chinese.

Actually, uh, I have a Chinese half-brother.

I don't see him much 'cause he's been working on the railroads.

[Sully] What's going on?

[Cass] Arnie wanted us to catch his set.

You ever go to a Chinese restaurant

just 'cause you see a bunch of Chinese people

eating there?

How come that doesn't work with, uh, other things, right?

Like when you go to a bar

and see that it's filled with alcoholics--

[laughing]

You don't go, "Hey, there's a drunk puking in the corner.

Maybe this is where we should get a few drinks."

- This is awful. - I know.

I'm sorry, I just want to make sure everyone gets the concept.

Arnie!

[laughs]

Yeah? Yeah?

[Chris laughing]

Arnie's dancing!

Not dancing. What the fuck?

Did you not listen to one word I said?

What the fuck is your problem?

What do you think is his problem?

He's mentally handicapped, you prick.

Fuck you, you fuckin' four-eyed ham sandwich!

- Ha-ha! - This is between me and him.

Yeah, very mature. Fuck you, man!

Eat shit, you melted crayon.

Holy shit.

[both laughing]

- Oh, Arnie. - What is he doing?

Is this really happening, or am I back on heroin?

My wife's filing for divorce, I haven't seen my son in a week,

and I'm on Ralph's couch, and I still

wouldn't trade places with Arnie right now.

Fuck you! I have a sister

who's mentally disabled, asshole.

Oh, yeah? I bet she fuckin' brags about you too.

- [all] Oh! - [both laughing]

Oh, my God. Edgar, you're emceeing

this episode of The Twilight Zone.

Get the fuck up there.

[Edgar] It would be easier if I yelled "fire."

You know what? Your dad didn't come in your mom,

he pissed inside her.

Yeah, I'm a piss baby, weirdo.

Get the fuck out of here!

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

- I tripped on the chair leg. - What the hell?

I'm so sorry.

Yay! Hey!

Keep it going for Arnie.

- [cheers and applause] - [Edgar] Or not. Or not.

[woman] Okay, I'll be right there.

I got it. I got the job.

You got it?

Yeah, they called this afternoon.

Um, I got to be in wardrobe tomorrow at 8:00.

[laughs]

I'm-I'm really happy for you, pal.

Thanks.

[laughs]

Why-- why don't you seem excited?

I don't know.

I mean, like you said, it's just a bit part.

Like, you know, then what after?

I'm just back to being a doorman doing open mic.

It doesn't fuckin'...

I was being a douche bag.

I mean, this is a great thing.

Trust me.

Yeah?

Ron.

You're gonna be on TV.

That's fucking huge, man.

- Yeah. Yeah. - You know.

I'm gonna be on TV. [laughs]

You-you hungry? You want something to eat?

No, I can't, I got to go meet an agent in a half-hour.

Really? No shit.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, Ernie set it up, so, um...

I'll just catch you when you get home?

Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.

- Okay. - Yeah. [clears throat]

Hey. Um...

I didn't manifest any of this.

You did.

Did what?

All of it.

I mean, you manifested it.

I-I got this job because of you,

not in spite of you.

I mean, let's face it-- I am kind of a fuckup,

and you always make the tough decisions for both of us,

so-- [clears throat]

Thank you.

♪ gentle music ♪

Wow.

I'm not used to sincere Ron.

Well, drink him in, 'cause he just left

with that last sentence.

♪♪

All right. I'll see you back at the fart box, amigo.

♪♪

Wow.

Holy shit.

You lucky prick.

Ugh. My dad drives a shit box.

He might as well live to 100

for how I'm gonna make out.

- Right off the assembly line. - It's beautiful, Bill.

You and your dad tool around town in this a lot?

You shittin' me?

He bought this when I was out here.

I went home two Christmases in a row.

Never even sat in it.

No, this was all his, and his alone.

Then how about we make up for lost time,

you take us for a spin?

Sure, why the fuck not?

Not me. I got a 7:00 a.m. sales call in Los Feliz.

Nick, aren't you going up soon?

Not by the looks of it.

Can I?

Your call.

- Bye. - Bye.

["Better Step Outta Line" by Rockin' Horse on radio]

♪♪

["I Want to be Free" by Harry Krapsho on radio]

♪ I want to be free ♪

♪ Don't want no hands tied behind my back ♪

♪♪

♪ Don't want nobody to tell me about this ♪

You know this car's three years old

and has just over 4,000 miles on it?

Can you believe that?

What, he just drive it to church on Sunday?

I know. It's crazy, right?

- My mom rode in it twice. - [scoffs]

♪ About that security-type job ♪

Whatever.

♪♪

♪ Oh, people ♪

♪ Don't ask too much to me ♪

♪ I just wanna be free ♪

♪♪

You sure you want to partake?

Does a bear shit wherever the fuck he wants?

♪ I wanna be me ♪

Why didn't you go up tonight?

Fuck knows.

Didn't feel it.

[Cass] You're dealing with more than your act, Nick.

I mean, quitting heroin, it's...

I think it's pretty brave, man.

Yeah, well.

♪ Sitting stale on a dusty shelf ♪

♪♪

Book ain't been written yet.

[laughter]

[Ralph] So this might come as a surprise

to you lovely white people,

but I was not a fan of the Civil Rights Act.

I loved having our own bathroom.

[laughter]

Finally, we--

What the hell is Ralph doing on stage?

He's supposed to be emceeing in the Cellar.

Okay, so, Nick bailed, so Ralph took his spot.

Now Walter's covering the Cellar.

What do you mean, bailed?

He blew off his set?

I guess he went for a joyride with Bill and Cassie

in Bill's dead dad's new car.

- You're looking good, Manny. - Thank you.

Just have the same quality drinking fountains.

One white. One black.

One got Kool-Aid. One got...

[laughter]

["When I Was Young" by The Animals on radio]

♪ The rooms were so much colder then ♪

Why do I get the feeling that's probably the first time

the inside of that car's heard any music

that didn't have yodeling in it?

Conway Twitty. My dad loved Conway Twitty.

Hey, Bogie, are you gonna pass that or what?

It's out.

♪ I smoked my first cigarette at ten ♪

♪ And for girls, I had a bad yen ♪

♪ And I had quite a ball ♪

♪ When I was young ♪

♪♪

Well, lookee what I found.

♪ When I was young, it was more important ♪

♪ Pain more painful ♪

Jesus. Where'd you find this?

Ashtray.

Thing's so fucking clean, you could eat out of it.

Is that gold?

My dad got this from GM his 20th year there.

I haven't seen this in years.

He quit smoking a year after they gave it to him.

♪ And I was pretty green ♪

They fired him... and still...

his precious GM lighter in his precious GM car.

♪♪

What a fucking idiot.

Well, that must've really meant something to him,

his time at that company.

It's a company, Cass.

It's not a fucking-- it's not people.

- Okay. - Seriously.

Why hold onto a useless lighter?

Because it's got a GM logo on it?

That precious to you?

♪♪

This is the sum of a man's life:

a car he never drove, a lighter he never used,

and a family he never talked to.

♪ I believed in fellow man ♪

[yelling] What the fuck for?

It's all useless shit, Dad!

[Cass] Hey.

Bill, let's head back, okay?

Yeah. We'll go to Canter's, huh?

My treat.

♪ When I was young ♪

♪♪

♪ When I was young ♪

Bill, what are you doing?

♪♪

Bill.

What are you doing?

Death by fucking lingchi, that's what I'm doing.

♪♪

Oh! What the fuck, Bill?

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, shit.

Stop! All right?

It's your dad's car.

It's a fucking gift.

[yelling] A gift?

He fucking killed himself in that gift.

He ran a hose through the back window.

What the fuck does that tell you, huh?

What kind of fucking gift is that?

"My dead fucking body will be found

in the seat that you drive around in.

Enjoy!"

Fuck.

Is this us playing catch together, huh?

Is this him saying "I love you"?

There's a thin fucking line

between "I love you" and "fuck you."

Useless. You're fucking useless.

- [Bill] Fucking useless. - [glass shattering]

[Cass sighs]

Fuck him.

♪ New York Dolls' "Looking for a Kiss" ♪

♪ I'ma lookin' for a kiss ♪

♪♪

♪ Why wontcha tell me why those kids are movin' so slow? ♪

♪ Is it that they just don't have a place to go? ♪

♪ When the day starts breakin', the sun is gonna shine ♪

♪ It's hard to sleep if I been cryin' ♪

♪ Just lookin' for a kiss ♪

♪♪

Ah!

- [bed creaking] - [Maggie and Arnie moaning]

[Arnie] Oof.

I don't know if this is a good thing to bring up,

but weren't you and Maggie sleeping together?

Yeah.

[moaning continues]

Don't you kind of like her?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

[bed continues to creak]

So then, you're okay with...

- [moaning continues] - That?

Yeah, I mean, we-we had sex

before she went to work this morning.

Really?

It's kind of complicated.

Right.

[Arnie] Ugh. Sorry.

Time to say good-bye, Bill.

♪ melancholy music ♪

♪♪

♪♪

Hey.

You coming?

♪♪

[food sizzling]

♪♪

♪♪

I don't want eggs.

Sure you do.

Here's coffee.

I don't have it anymore.

It's all...

♪♪

Fuck it.

Thought we were gonna have an honest conversation.

Roy dropped you.

Guess that calls for eggs.

♪♪

There's cold cuts and soda in the fridge.

You go up at 10:00. Don't be late.

♪ The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes" ♪

♪ No one knows what it's like ♪

[door slams]

♪ To be the bad man ♪

[line trilling]

♪ To be the sad man ♪

Yeah. Hi. Kenny. Yeah, it's Eddie.

Eddie Zeidel.

Yeah, I'm wondering if that offer's still good.

♪ To be hated ♪

Jesus.

What's the story, Eli? You don't call.

We talked about this.

We never let personal bleed into business.

Goldie, sit.

We talked about this a long time ago.

Goldie.

Sit.

♪ And I blame you ♪

I haven't been avoiding.

I've been negotiating.

Negotiating what?

Your severance.

You're fired, Goldie.

♪ But my dreams ♪

♪ They aren't as empty ♪

So that's it, huh?

♪ As my conscience... ♪

Fired.

You're my fucking lawyer, Eli.

My partner in all this.

Nothing?

You couldn't defend me?

And get fired too?

No.

♪♪

'Cause then I'd be you.

♪♪

♪ When my fist clenches, crack it open ♪

♪ Before I use it and lose my cool ♪

♪ When I smile, tell me some bad news ♪

♪ Before I laugh and act like a fool ♪

♪♪

♪ And if I swallow anything evil ♪