Original subtitles

Once upon a time there was...

or there never was...

or maybe there will be, one day...

a queen without a king, and her castle.

We won't tell you the story of the king...

but just the story of the queen and her step-daughter.

In fact, the king wasn't a real king...

but just a notoriously unlucky, but independently wealthy castle builder!

When he died he left his young wife the fruit of a previous marriage...

a beautiful young girl named Baby Love...

4427 angry creditors and...

the Castillo de la Pelota Del Pomponero [Castle of the Cannonball of Pomponero]

y de la Pica [and The Pike], y de la Vaca Blanca [and White Cow], y de la Vaca Negra [the Black Cow]...

y de la Vaca Grassa [the Fat Cow], y de la Vaca Magra [and the Skinny Cow].

But what of these four mysterious characters appearing in our story?

- We should have had this meeting at Yalta! - We do not agree!

What are we doing?

After two hours on that dusty road, I've about busted my pepperonis!

Pepperonis?

Pepperonis?

Ah! Pepperonis!

First of all, by way of welcoming you...

I want to praise your punctuality.

So, gentlemen...

I trust that our lengthy correspondence has already made everything clear.

Now please, let's review the situation...

and proceed to concluding the contract.

Of course, we must establish the currency for the payment.

You can decide that yourselves.

- Yen, of course! - Nyet yen! Rubles!!!

No, better make it U.S. currencydollars!

- Why not Italian currency? - Which is?

- Promissory notes! - Since there is no agreement, I choose the dollar!

So, gentlemen, we can start the negotiations.

Who's to be first?

We decided to be represented by Dr. Ci Fè Chen Pien.

Oh, sorry! My nose has a very strong sense of smell!

Mine too. It smells an asshole!

My very honorable and perfumed lady, my talent is being able to recognize...

the perfume of fruits, of flowers, and the essence of females.

Fu-ci-lin the Wise says: "Happiness is certainty's daughter."

So, in order to be happy, my gentle and perfumed lady, we must be celtain.

Not "celtain"certain!

I don't know what you might smell from such a distance!

Perhaps my Lily of the Valley? I'm impressed!

You're probably wondering what all that was leading up to.

My dear lady, I am pleased to inform you that we've come to an agreement...

and that we accept your terms...

if the guarantees provided in the contract justify signing the contract!

Thank you gentlemen, then we can start signing.

You must understand, gentle and perfumed lady...

that this endeavor has required a considerable financial investment on our part.

Therefore we need some assurance that the graceful Baby Love...

possesses all the requirements to become our secret agent...

and marry the son of the great emperor.

Yes, the Emperor of Smell!

Shut up! Don't be lude!

Did you mean lewd?

Excuse me, as usual, I need to intervene.

Mr. Cannamozza, Dr. Ci Fe Ten Pie meant RUDE, not LEWD!

You think I'm stupid? I was just joking!

We Sicilians are a high-spirited people!

We even export our spirit abroad, where they make it into whiskey!

Stop it, gentlemen! That's enough!

Behave yourselves!

You're not in a brothel!

- Mr. Zimmerman, you should be ashamed of yourself! - I'm sorry!

- His sister is sorry - That's enough!

Stop with this nonsense!

Dr. Cannamozza, we're here to discuss very important business, not to joke!

Here we practice austerity, continence, devotion, sobriety and even sexual abstinence!

I know perfectly well that her intended husband is the heir of a great and wealthy empire.

But I also know that my Baby Love, with the education I have given her...

is worthy of the position!

Baby Love is the right girl! Because of her rank, status, culture, beauty...

and spirit!

Her father - may God hold him in his glory - left her to me, together with this old castle...

that he himself built on land bought at a good price...

along with the servants and other assets that allowed me...

to prepare the girl for a bright future!

We're here to make sure the girl is a virgin, God-fearing and willing to do anything.

My colleagues and I agree that it is necessary to seal the deal as soon as possible.

We just want to be assured of the integrity of the merchandise...

to avoid any last-minute surprises!

In Siberia we say, "if you buy a pregnant cat, a dog will be born."

You have the word of the Lady of Pelota Del Pomponero, y de la Pica y de la Vaca Blanca y de la Vaca Negra...

Before closing the deal, we require a thorough inspection of the girl's assets!

Inspect her ass?

Never! Madmen!

Limp little worms!

I should let my intact pearl be inspected by you?

And before closing the deal?

Never! Never...

ButI only said "asset," not "ass"...

She's pretty pissed off!

What can we do now?

Something doesn't smell right!

Yes...

A Ukrainian proverb says,

"What's art at dawn, is fart at dusk."

And remember that my Baby Love is as pure and clean as a diamond!

You disappointed me, gentlemen! I consider the deal to be canceled!

How did you dare doubt my word and ask for assurances!

The Cossacks have a saying,

"We want to see the token, to ensure that it's not broken."

"Broken"? I'll break something. Your head, you frozen Siberian!

I've had enough!

You want to check? So be it!

But mind youit will cost you a lot!

And another thing it will be performed my way! Okay?

Give me the time needed.

In the meantime, my maids will prepare some good Turkish baklava for you...

together with the best red wine, from my vineyard, of course.

What is it, mama?

It's just this, my sweet baby. This is a great day for you!

You have such a beautiful body!

You get more and more beautiful every day!

We cannot waste that body! Let me handle this!

It's for your own good! You will be the most beautiful doll...

in a beautiful game, my baby!

The Sleeping Beauty who will be awakened by the kiss of a Prince Charming!

So nowthe ceremony is about to begin.

Here is our corporate stock! The quintessential good investment!

Gentlemen, check well and judge accordingly!

Let me remind you that each of you is entitled to just one share...

corresponding to one body part of our corporate stock.

This is to avoid hoarding that may cause international tensions.

Gentlemen, look. Take a good look!

Look, but don't touch!

There are no other rules, gentlemen.

Play your game!

Let us proceed. The bidding may now begin!

The girl's naked sexual organ is an essential part of the body.

A good idea from the Middle Ages, that chastity belt!

It's a good guarantee for our deal.

You have the key. We have a blacksmith.

I've said what I think, my friend.

Holy Mother, she's Heavenly!

My God! My God! She's wonderful. My God!

I'm climaxing too!

We're all climaxing, here!

Take a good look at the corporate stock so we can complete the formalities...

assuming you've read Articles 1, 2, 3 through 12...

omitting Articles 13, 14, 15 through 24...

in front of the full meeting, including the two ex-officio witnesses.

You may proceed with bids for the first share.

I'll open at 100,000 dollars!

One million rubles!

I beg you pardon? I said dollars!

Chinese dollars?

I offer one million dollars!

Why offer so much for such little feet?

What? It's not for the pussy?

No! You don't understand! It's not for the pussy! It's for the feet!

Nyet! I withdraw my offer!

I'll wait for...

the pussy.

You're getting soft?

I'll take the feet for one million dollars!

At last we have a break through!

So, the feet go for one million dollars to the very honorable Dr. Ci Fe Tan Pie!

Now, gentleman, let's open at $200,000.

And since the price will go up, we'll also go up with the body parts!

So, who'll offer more than $200,000?

- $100,000 - $200,000

- $300,000 - $400,000

- $500,000 - $600,000

Let the American have it.

It's still not for the pussy?

You really are stupid!

Why offer so much for her ass? You want the pussy! Now you also want her ass?

Nyet! No ass!

Will you make up your mind, boys?

I confirm my withdraw.

Because the girl hasn't followed a Kazakhstani diet based on...

pickles, Black Sea algae and sour milk...

she'll develop a big belly and a fat ass.

My target is the pussy!

Now you're playing hard to please?

Let's change the subject!

Beautiful! Beautiful!!!

Don't move! Hold still!

My head is spinning!

Damn! Now I have a belly ache!

I feel sick...

Sorry. My hat fell off.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

What are you doing?

The pussywhy don't you let anyone?

What are you doing?

What are you saying?

Well! Now that we've cleared the air, we can resume the negotiations.

So, who will offer more?

I bid one million dollars!

- Why not two? - Okay! Two million!

Wow! You took me for my word! My compliments!

The wise man says, "Hair is stronger than steel."

And now gentlemen, we'll open at $150,000 dollars for the best part.

Everything! I'll give you everything I have!

My castle, servants, the island..

I'll give you everything! Everything I own!

My compliments, Mr. Cannamozza!

If you didn't leave anything out, sold to Turi Cannamozza from Lupara!

I apologize for the language I'm about to use...

Russian asshole! What a dumb-ass!

That was the time to bid!

You don't understand! I'm waiting for the pussy!

No! You don't understand!

What you were waiting for was just bought by the Sicilian!

What did the Sicilian just buy?

The thing you wanted! Ci coglioni! Her pussy! Pussy!

My pussy?

I cast a veto!

What's this?

I demand the right to check the girl's pussy!

And if you don't grant me this, I'll break your face!

What the fuck are you saying? I don't grant you anything!

Are you crazy? I put all my money into this!

- I'm asking for half. - You'll have to give me the money!

- I'll give you my house! - Money!

- I'll give you my cottage! - Money!

- I'll give you the Steppes! - Money!

- Money! Money! - I'll give you the money!

That's more like it.

You can discuss this in your room!

It's late now, and my baby has to get some rest!

This will give you a chance to discuss all the details!

From this moment, Baby Love belongs to you!

After you've made the down payment, of course!

Gentlemen, good night!

Baby, send the gentlemen a kiss!

Beautiful! Gorgeous!!!

Good night, Baby Love!

Dobre...

Cin cin...

Ciao Mao!

As I already told you, applied sexology is a very tricky subject.

Everyone's eager for knowledge, but doesn't know how to apply it.

Sex is a gift from God! Even the butterflies do it!

We've thoroughly studied the positions that are suitable to pleasure the legitimate male.

The legitimate male is an imbecile who only cares for good food and having his socks mended.

Let's see what can pleasure a woman in exchange for these services.

There's solitary pleasureit's sad. Best to avoid it.

There are some basic rules for beauty.

It's very important to remain beautiful!

And it's not impossible! You just have to remember...

good food is bad for the figure, wine is bad for your complexion, sun damages your skin...

sleep makes you fat, heavy caressing distorts your breasts...

and pregnancy makes your body ugly!

I often feel a strange tingling...

It's completely natural, my dear, even butterflies feel it!

As well as hippos, horses, rhinos, crocodiles, elephants, giraffes, zebras, bees...

whales, flatfish, shellfish and clams!

Now I'm going to ask you a question. I want to see how smart you are!

Do you know what's red and bad for your teeth?

- What could it be? I really have no idea! - Come on, it's easy.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick!

Now, to avoid missing the point and mixing fantasy with reality...

some explanation is necessary.

You should know that in those times, which were actually very similar to ours...

teachers sought to establish a bond of friendship with their students.

Almost like a family.

Ballroom dance was taught, martial arts, Japanese fighting, kung-fu and kung-poo...

as well as Latin,arithmetic, analytics and culinary art.

These lessons often saw the participation of family and friends...

witnessing with good cheer the progress of the young girls.

That's why our four gentlemen, once the Queen allowed them to observe Baby Love's education...

while waiting to return to their superiors and report on the transaction...

decided to linger a while...

giving little thought to the most fruitful moments of their own cultures.

Shhhh! Go! Go! Run!

Who woke me? I was sleeping so nicely!

END OF PART ONE BABY LOVE

PART TWO BABY LOVE

The Queen, as it also happens nowadays, to celebrate the success of the negotiations...

and also to quell the fury of the 4427 mad creditors...

announced a full-dress cocktail party!

It was a very sophisticated affair.

It started at her command.

All the guests, with austere elegance, began dancing to the tune of an ancient waltz.

As you can see, in those times customs weren't very different from our own...

although the waltz was probably performed in a more authentic manner.

More effervescent, more pastoral, more bucolic.

In other words, more rustic!

In those times, like nowadays, people were easily entertained.

So, what with all the tea and biscuits, parties went on 'til morning...

queens got bored and preferred to meditate alone in their chambers!

Oh, he's so handsome! He looks like Tarzan!

And he has such good aim!

Look at him! Such a mysterious expression!

Like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca!

And he may even be intelligent!

Oh, Mama Mia!

Miss Baby Love! Miss Baby Love!

Baby Love!

Miss Helga is waiting for youyour lesson.

I don't give a fuck about the lesson, and all that other bullshit!

I hope you're going to explain yourself!

Well?

It's just I've had enough of analytics, arithmetic and culinary art!

I've been sold off in pieces! My feet, my asseven my pussy.

No! My pussy is mine, and only I will handle it! So there!

And I also have to wash it while wearing this stupid lock!

I mean itI'm fed up!

You've really spanked my pussy!

Listen to her!

What's gotten into your head?

When that cuckold father of yours died...

I explained to you what was necessary to avoid winding up on the street!

Your father left us in a world of shit! You understand that, kid?

And who was it who preserved and maintained this paradise?

It was me! All me! Got it?

I saved this castle!

I had the inspiration to contact those four gentlemen who brought us money!

And again, it was I who found the idiot who wants a virgin bride!

Got it, asshole?

Yes, but I was the one who was sold like a side of beef at an auction!

And I'll be the one getting molested by some dirty old man!

So, if that's all, I won't be taking lessons anymore!

And there's something else that I deserve!

I don't get any pleasure being with that Miss Helga, you know?

"Move here, turn there, face down, face up."

I'm fed up!

And all this just to enrich a filthy provincial whore like you! So there!

Quick! Come with me!

Just calm down!

Yes, let's stop all this violence!

What do you want? What are you looking for? Who are you?

Relax, I'll explain everything! I have a very delicate job for you.

Why are you closing the door? Have you gone mad?

- Will you tell me what you're after? - Give me a hand!

Sit here!

- I'm not an obstetrician! - Have you ever seen anything like this?

What is this? Today's fashion in panties?

- What do you want me to do? - We want you to open it!

- How? - With a wedge!

- You want me to give her a wedgie? - Wedge, dumb-ass! An iron wedge!

Is this okay?

Hammer!

Go ahead!

Ouch! Fuck it!

I broke a tooth!

- Miss Helgatold me - Never mind Miss Helga.

You can tell her about this later!

Sssshhhh! Silently!

Silence! Just say good night and leave!

What is she doing?

She's sleeping!

It's a trick! This isn't Baby Love!

- Where is Baby Love? - We want an explanation!

In Russia we have a saying, "Bitch!"

Wretch!

Unfortunately, those are the facts, gentlemen.

And no one is more mortified than I am!

I came up with this trick, hoping that our corporate stock returned before you noticed.

This is a deceit! We should have been informed as soon as you discovered her absence...

in accordance with the contract!

Do you realize what could happen if she's really disappeared?

What should we tell our administrative board?

That we've been screwed???

The contract said to perform alternate checks. I took my precautions. Did you?

Our precautions were beyond reproach, like my sense of smell, my perfumed lady!

What perfumed lady? She's a scumbag!

First she sucked the builder's money, then she sucked our money...

and now she's sucking all four of our cocks!!!

- Remember that I'm still a lady! - Yes! The Lady of Whores!

I won't allow you to speak to me like that!

If you'll permit me to say so, we're wasting time arguing.

Right! And I think I must punish the one who betrayed our trust...

like Ivan the Terrible.

In Russia we have a saying...

"Punishment should apply to women who are too sly."

That's all I have to say.

If I may be allowed to say so, I have Chinese torture for the perfumed lady.

Terrible, economical torture, like a garden of torture!

Have you all gone insane?

You want to put me against the wall?

I explain.

You certainly have a flower vase in the garden.

You certainly have a big hungry rat in the cellar.

So, we put rat in vase, we put lady's perfumed ass on vase...

and then we put a flame in bottom of vase.

Rat gets crazy and goes up into lady's ass to avoid flame!

Simple! Economical! Guaranteed to work!

My God! Why don't you take an enema with muriatic acid!!!!

Listen boys, let's try to meet in the middle here.

We share equal responsibility for her disappearance.

What the hell were your secret services doing?

Well, I can follow the trail with my nose!

Can I have Baby Love's panties?

Now then...

What's he doing?

That way!

Come! Come! Over here! Come! Come!

Victorian relics, French comedies, Pirandellian horns...

Scandinavian graveyard runes, transcriptions, reductions...

interpolations, storytelling. Myth doesn't have any form of objectification with mere words.

Scenic action is the authentic poetic truth!

Theater reveals the truth through improvisation! Not merely criticism of the truth!

It's a stage as big as the world!

Lustful as a dream of De Sade, colorful as the newborn mushrooms after the first autumn rain.

Truth! Like a sow breastfeeding its piglets!

An artist needs conflicts, doubts, or he would sin against himself.

Baby Love is going to meet her lover...

who, hoping to stop her pursuers, went to the castle with false evidence of the girl's death.

But the four hounds, led by Ci Fe Ten Pie's infallible smell, are on the trail of Baby Love.

That's it! I've had enough of your infallible sense of smell! Just shut up!

You shut up! You all shut up!

Shut up? Damn my soul! How dare you?

You should put a hole in your skull to drain out your incompetent fear!

How dare you, miserable plebeian, interrupting the sublime acuity of a genius...

the mystical inspiration of an artist, the enchanted ictus of a poet.

You're fired! Don't ever show your face here again!

You'll never be able to understand the revolutionary spirit of my theater!

No Mirandolina, no Brecht, no Iris, no Shakespeare, no Chekov, no Pirandello!

New theater! Participatory! Collective! Dynamic! Cyanotic!

I smell Baby Love! She's near!

I swear! She's near!

Baby Love? What is Baby Love doing?

You don't believe me? I smell her! She's near! I swear!

It's the truth! My smell is never wrong!

I am clever! Why is everyone angry at poor Chinaman?

Silence!

To everyone his own role!

I am the protagonist, the stage technician, the electrician, the director, the handyman...

the administrator, the author, the censor and the audience!

Why didn't Hamlet kill his mother?

Why did a mother poison her husband to fornicate with his brother?

Liberating action! That is the synthesis!

Eros to the end! Explosion of sexual instincts! Joie de vivre! Escape, crime, liberation!

What's the use of fornicating? It fucks up your brain, your ideas, your voice!

Fornicating is the antithesis of art!

I will leave this ungrateful world in which no one understands me!

Suicide for art's sake! You have to actually die in order to make death real!

And I shall punish my lust, because an actor has to be like a priest!

I have sinned! I have fornicated!

How many times, my son? Countless times!

Shame on you! Shame! That's why you couldn't achieve fame!

Fornicating! Fornicating is the failure of art! Repent! I'll say it again...

Fornicating is the failure of art!

Where the hell have you been? Who gave you permission to leave my castle?

I beg your forgiveness, my Queen, but something was going on in the woods.

That doesn't give you the right to disobey my orders.

I didn't mean to leave the castle.

I did it because I heard a woman crying out for help.

I rushed there, and what I saw was terrible!

There were enormous footprints, torn up vegetation and broken tree branches.

What a cute story! You're telling me you met King Kong?

Don't joke! I'm serious! There was blood all over the place!

Even on the branches!

Following the trail, I came to a waterfall, where I found this.

It was still covered in blood! Look!

Here's the proof! Are you convinced now?

But this is Baby Love's belt!

Yes! It's hers!

She's dead!

Holy shit! Satan! Satan! I thank you!

I'm rid of that dumbass monkey at last!

And now it's those four buffoons' turn!

I'm rich!

I'll throw a party that would make Messalina and Pipino the Short blush!

I'll cover you in gold!

Don't get your hopes up, my Queen! I won't be staying with you!

As you wish. It's your loss! You don't deserve to live like a prince!

You poor fool! No one can refuse my hospitality!

You won't get out of this castle alive!

You're wrong! I'm leaving, whether you allow it or not!

The only way you'll leave here...

is dead!

Gentlemen...

our corporate stock, our beloved Baby Love, the destined bride, the flower of virginity...

is dead!!!

The only thing that's left of her is this relic.

In accordance with the contract, Article 13, Section A, Paragraph 2, which stipulates that...

in case of death, everything must be maintained in its current status.

Therefore, I will retain the million dollars you deposited...

and ask that you immediately leave the castle!

Your continued presence will remind me too much of my beloved, sweet, adorable Baby Love!

In other wordsbe gone!

Perfumed lady, may I be allowed to smell the belt?

It's your right!

Yes! It belongs to Baby Love! My smell is never wrong!

Oh! The pain! The pain!

Baby Love is dead!

Blindfolded menyou're half condemned!

Mania with cock. You're out of here, don't knock!

Baby Love had jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire!

In fact, the crazy guy had an even crazier brother called The Wizard of Passo Di Brione!

It's a fact that back then, like nowadays, village girls liked to entertain themselves.

That's why the Wizard could arrange innocent para-pussyology sessions with great success!

Sadly, Baby Love knew next to nothing about para-pussyology!

And her thirst for knowledge was regularly thwarted by the advanced students!

Oh! Nice! Very nice! I want to try too!

Away! Get away! Take her away!

Away! Away! Cursed woman! You're not a member of my cult!

Help! Help!

Let me out of here!

That crazy woman plays Middle-Ages and like a moron I played along!

I deserved it! Bloody hell!

Get me out of here!

Theater must be explicit communication, not allusive theory!

It must be externalization of the ego, spontaneous alternative of the collective...

managed with an upward impulse from subconscious to conscious!

To dishevel wigs! Theater is life! Theater is the soul!

Stop that damned gibberish!

I contest! I protest! I rebel!

Mars is in astral conjunction with Saturn! In triangulation with Aries! In conjunction with Virgo!

Taurus is in opposition with Gemini!

My oracles have spoken! Curses and misfortunes on this temple!

Jinx! Jinx! Jinx!

Don't listen to this crazy man, his oracles or his prophecies!

33 curses will fall on his madness!

I am the king, the protagonist, I cannot be struck down by such as him!

You, with your hemorrhoids, boils, lack of skills and mediocre mind are only worthy...

to take the dog out to piss, prepare the sandwiches and clean the toilets!

You'll never get any further than that, you ballerina's constipated brain!

Hello! Lunch is served! Hello! Dinner is served!

To be or not to be. My kingdom for a horse.

You're like all Italians! You show them a little kindness and they try to take advantage!

I just came to let you out because we have a mission.

We must find Baby Love!

Please! Stop!

Stop it!

There are people are coming!

It's them! The four crows! We must follow them to find Baby Love!

Will you stop it?

Just one kiss and then you must stop!

Yes! Yes! My smell never fails! It never fails!

This is theater!

Because theater is liberating action, creative action, inspiring action!

Words are useless! Expression is action!

Silence expresses everything: anger, youth, strength, sensuality, life, death.

I'm a genius!

- Who are you? What do you want? - We want Baby Love back!

Look at where my baby ended up!!!

Baby Love, you silly girl! Get off that stage! You have more serious things to do!

Shut up when you talk to me! I rule here!

This is my temple! You won't be stealing my female lead!

Go away!

- What is he saying? How dare he? - You can't abduct Baby Love!

Stop it! Stop it!

Will you just stop it?

What is all this noise?

She'll be the one to decide!

You'll never have my Baby Love, buffoon...

because I'm her mother! Because only I know all that I have given her!

- I call on your democratic spirit! - In Russia we say- In Sicily we say...

If you choose calmly and wisely...

you'll see everything will be okay!

Believe me!

With whom shall I do theater now?

I've found the perfect female lead! Who will ever be able to assume her role?

Me! The Queen! Am I or am I not her mother?

I'm sure you won't miss her! Let me assure you!

"To be or not to be. That is the question"

This is theater! You will prostitute yourselves on the rack!

Sentiments! Genius! Because I am the genius! And this is my theater!

So, all together now...

who will lend me a cigarette?

Let's start rehearsals immediatley!

It will be a modern performance, rebellious, nonconformist, revolutionary!

Yes! I have decided! I have decided!

We'll finally debut my theater!

The theater of life! The theater of the soul! Life! Soul!

But who is there, far from clamor and ambition, far from yearning and vanity...

that lives the true life?

Now the two lovers are happy in the simple flow of days...

as the Lord commanded.

"Woman, you shall bring water to bake the bread.

"Man, you shall chop wood to feed the fire."

Adapted from subtitles originally created by VaccaStracca