Original subtitles

Malory (o.S.): No, coordinate with rome, then get me the

Latest intel, then tell rodney they need travel documents

An hour ago...

Then bring me the file I asked for!

Gillette: Why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the

Floor while I'm at it?

Malory: What was that?!

Gillette: Nothing.

Malory: Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly

Homophobic remark.

Cheryl/carol: Aww.

Gillette: Ew!

Malory: Go!

Gillette: Ow!

Lana: Ow!

Gillette (o.S.): Sorry!

Lana: What's going on?

Malory: Where?

Lana: Uh, this new place called here!

Malory: Nothing lana: Wh-? Malory.

Cheryl/carol: Good luck, she just had an electro -

Malory: -- Electromagnetic lock installed, are you serious?

Lana: Malory malory: Because I'm seriously

Asking, did krieger give you robot hands?

Krieger: Not yet!

But you just say the word.

Lana: The - [zzrrrzz].

Lana: Out.

Malory: Can't have anything nice...

Malory: Krieger!

Krieger: Jazz hands!

Malory: Should've never taken him to see "the wiz."

Lana: The broadway show or the movie?

Krieger: Jazz hands!

Malory: Both.

Krieger: Jazz hands!

Lana: I -- whatever, look, obviously there's -

Malory: Nothing! Is going on, lana! If there were, I would

Tell you, but - [dooot]

Cheryl/carol: Uh, there's a cardinal corelli on line one

For you? Something about a radical faction of the swiss

Guard assassinating the pope tomorrow night?

Lana: You need to get that?

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Lana: Do you. Need to get that.

Malory: No, I'm sure whoever it is -

[dooot] cheryl/carol (o.S.): It's the

Vatican! Line one! Jesus!

Cheryl/carol: (gasp) shit, I hope he didn't hear that.

(gasp) or that, shit!

Malory: Just put him through, you idiot!

Cheryl/carol (o.S.): Okay, jesus! [gasp] shit...

Malory: Uhhhhh ah ha ha, giancarlo! Como stai?

Corelli: Molto meglio, cara mia, now that I see your eyes,

Your lips, your...

Malory: Giancarlo! Siete senza vergogna.

Corelli: And you, are the only woman who ever made me regret

Taking the holy orders.

Malory: And you are the only man who ever made me -

Ron cadillac: Come oonnn!

I'm right here, ya know!

Malory: Why?!

Ron cadillac: Gettin new carpet in my office. Which,

Speaking of...

Malory: Ron?!

Corelli: Malory, you have married?

Malory: Ehh...

Corelli: You are a fortunate man, signore.

Ron cadillac: Ah, blow it out yer cassock.

Malory: Ron!

Corelli: Malory. We don't have much time. Your agents of isis,

They are ready?

Lana: Or they are confused verging on angry?

Malory: Lana, it's an undercover mission. At the

Vatican?

Lana: What, they don't have black nuns? Although granted

I've never seen one. But that's not like, a rule, is it?

Corelli: Ehh...

Lana: Well since you're not sending me, and I assume you're

Not sending ray...

Malory: To the vatican? You think all those catholic

Priests wouldn't peg him - [cough, cough] as american?

With that hillbilly accent?

Corelli: Malory, I must go now. Please hurry!

Lana: So not ray, and not me, which leaves...

[gregorian chant] lana: [sigh]

Archer: In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti, et

Cetera, et - lana: You can't.

No one is gonna believe archer is a priest.

Archer: For your infor - I'm in! Turn it off!

Cheryl/carol (o.S.): Okay!

Jesus! [gasp] shit.

Archer: For your information, lana, I have totally prepared

For this mission.

Lana: Well there's a firs - archer: First thing I did was

Watch every episode of "lucy, daughter of the devil." which

By the way, was grossly - lana: Inadequate preparation,

For an undercover mission protecting the pope from an

Assassination attempt!

Archer: I was gonna say "underrated," but -

Lana: But even if you were prepared -

Archer: Which I truly feel that I am.

Lana: -- But which you're not, who's your backup if ray's not

Going? Cyril?

Archer: No...

Malory: No, it turns out cyril - cyril: Aaagh!

How bout a little warning?!

Malory: Has a thing. About church stuff.

Lana: Since when?

Cyril: Since none of your beeswax, and -

Archer: Bwoohahaahaaa!

Cyril: Aaagh!

Lana: Well...

Cyril: And I think I need a spanking, because I have been a

Very naughty baaaaagh!

Lana: Guess that explains that. But it doesn't explain

How archer's gonna run this mission by himself.

Malory: Well, if you were "confused verging on angry"

Before...

Cyril (o.S.): Aaagh!

Pam (o.S.): What?!

Pam: Jesus christ... Shit. God damn it.

Malory: Pam!

Pam: What.

Lana: Pam?!

Pam: What?!

Archer: Paaaam!

Pam: Whaaat?!

Archer: I dunno, what're we doing?

Lana: Esatto! Che cosa stiamo facendo?!

Pam: Aww man, we have to learn latin?

Archer: Ew yeah, that's a dealbreaker.

Lana: You were speaking latin when you walked in here -

Archer: Mmmmno...

Lana: -- Whereas I was just speaking italian, which neither

Of you speak nor even understand, obviously, so -

Archer: So?! Lana, the assassination plot is being

Hatched by the swiss guard?

Lana: So...?

Archer: So it's an eight-hour flight, so we get some tapes

And brush up on our - lana: Swiss?

Archer: Duh?

Lana: Well, since swiss isn't a language, maybe you should

Get some tapes on german, french, italian and romansh.

Archer: Maybe I will.

Malory: Alright. Lana pack a bag, you're -

Archer: No! Mother come on, we don't need -

Malory: Lana! Is going!

Lana: Ha!

Malory: And pam, if you keep your eyes open and your big

Mouth shut, you just might learn something from her.

Pam: Ha!

Archer: Why are you going ha?!

Pam: I dunno, what're we doing?

Lana: I'll tell you what we should be doing. So, who does

The pope remind you of?

Malory: Ha!

Archer: What.

Lana: Haaa!

Archer: Shut up! And you also shut up.

Woodhouse: Yessir.

Pam: Haaa!

Archer: Why are you still going ha?!

Pam: Pink panther's on.

Father guido sardoochbag.?

Archer (o.S.): Oh really?

Archer: Because she didn't specify an agent in-command,

Lana, so I would argue - lana (o.S.): With a fence post.

Archer: I wouldn't argue with a -- oof! Move, idiot!

Pam: I'm goin as fast as I can!

Archer: Not you, the - pam: The fence post?

Lana (o.S.): Ha!

Archer: It was a bollard! And my point was -

Lana: Fine! You're agent-in- command! Now shut up, brief

Corelli, and get the access code to the pope's apartment!

[doot] archer: I... Will, because I

Command me to.

Lana: And you should eat, this could be a long night, and

You're... So teeny.

Woodhouse: Hm?

Lana: Seriously, eat, you're like a slow loris.

Woodhouse: Oh, no, bit off my feed, I'm afraid.

Lana: Woodhouse, you need to - oh c'mon, you need to fix?

Woodhouse: [whimper] lana: Well, is there some

Amount you can shoot up to get right for the mission, without

Gettin all... Trainspotty?

Woodhouse: Back in a tick!

Lana: Oh for the -- and thanks for making me carry your bag

Through customs!

Woodhouse (o.S.): No, thank you!

Archer (o.S.): Grazie.

Grazie mille, vostra... Majesty-o?

Corelli: Your italian is, how you say, shit?

Archer: Then you are not gonna like my romansh.

Corelli: Mio dio! You think this is funny?!

Archer: I thought that was.

Corelli: Assassins plan to kill the holy father in his own

Bed, on this very night, ma tu stai qui con la testa nel culo!

Pam: Whoa whoa, take it down a notch, st. Louis! His head is

Not up his ass!

Archer: How'd you know what he said?

Pam: It was an eight-hour flight.

Archer: Wow, did you learn romansh?

Pam: Who am I, cypher? The gayest x-man?

Archer: I dunno, gambit looks like he knows his way around a

Pair of - corelli: Basta! Here is the

Access card to the holy father's private apartment. I

Assume you have a plan once inside?

Pam: We call it the old switcheroo.

Archer: We absolutely do not call it the old switcheroo.

Corelli: Mio dio!

Lesser cardinals: [gasp] archer: I know, right? Trope

Alert!

Corelli: Che?

Pam: Eh... Non si traduce bene.

Lana: Feeling better?

Woodhouse: Sound as a pound, my dear.

Where the hell are we?

Lana: Uh, this new place called Italy?

Woodhouse: How'd I get all the way downtown?

Lana: Wh-? Not little Italy!

Italy, Italy!

Woodhouse: Bloody hell. What are we doing here?

Lana: Thwarting an assassination attempt on the

Pope. Using you as a decoy.

Woodhouse: Back in a tick!

Lana: With ken and your weekend weather. And you may need an

Umbrella because it's going to be raining.

Dead ass popes.

Pam (o.S.): Aw crap, he's already dead.

Archer: No he's not, he's just old. That's how woodhouse looks

When he's asleep.

Pam: I'm gonna get a mirror.

Archer: Right until he wakes and sees me staring at him

With night-vision goggles and literally pisses himself. Hey,

Does woodhouse seem unhappy to you, or -- what the hell're you

Doing?!

Pam: Gonna see if his breath fogs it up.

Archer: Put the stupid mirror back, he's not -

Pam: [gasp] archer: Dead. Nice job, oliver

Cromwell.

Pam: I killed the pope!

Archer: Yeah, that's why I said oliver crom -

Pam: Jesus christ I'm going to hell I'm going to hell I'm

Going to hell I'm - [thwak! Thwak! Thwak!]

Archer: Pam.

Pam: Yes?

Archer: Get off the pope.

Archer: Heeey, your holiness...

Pam: Is he dead?!

Archer: I dunno, shut up, I'm - pam: Should I get another

Mirror? But like, a much much smaller one?

Lana (o.S.): No, you're half heroin already!

[clunk] lana: Okay, here's junkie

Brewster, let's...

Where's the pope?

Archer: Soo, here's the thing.

Pam: Promise you won't get mad?

Lana: I -- actually do not promise I won't get mad,

Because here's what thing?

Archer: Um...

Lana: What, why is there a giant mirror on the oh my god

You crushed the pope?!

Lana: Don't just stand there idiots, help me get it off and

Pam! Woodhouse!

Pam: Huh? Oh!

Woodhouse (o.S.): Oof!

Woodhouse (o.S.): Ow!

Pam: Ow! What the -- is that a needle?!

Archer: [chuckles] lana: Rrrrrgh!

Pope: [gasping] lana: Oh thank god!

Pope: Chi siete voi, dove sono le guardie?!

Lana: We're -- your holiness, do you speak english?

Pope: Yes, of course, but - archer: Ha! Way to waste your

Time learning italian, pam!

Pam: Aw, stai zitto, testa di cazzo. And could you...?

Woodhouse: Sorry.

Pope: Dio mio! He look just like me!

Lana: Yes, your holiness, he's a decoy. We have reason to

Believe a faction of the swiss guard will make an attempt on

Your life tonight, so - archer: So if you don't mind

Hopping out of those pope- jamas...

Lana: Archer? We'll hide you, put him in your place, wait for

Them to come in - pope: And then what?! You are

Only two!

Archer: Well three, so - pam: Better make that two.

Think I mighta grabbed the tail of the dragon here...

Woodhouse: Ooh, then you're in for a treat!

Archer: Shut up! And with all due respect your holiness,

It's the swiss guard...

I think we can handle a few court jesters

With, whatever, halberds.

Lana: Which, you realize are just ceremonial.

Archer: Obviously they're ceremonial, they were made

Obsolete by the arquebus.

Lana: Which is why now they use mp-5's.

Archer: Oh.

Lana: Which is why where's the gear bag with all of our

Automatic weapons?!

Archer: Well I assume in the hotel room, but -

Lana: God - archer: I thought they just

Had halberds!

Lana: Do you at least have a sidearm?!

Archer: It was ruining the lines of my cassock.

Lana: Dammit!

Archer: And again, I honestly thought they just had -

[rattle rattle] archer: -- Halberds. Although

Technically I think they're called voulges.

Swiss guard (o.S.): Santo padre! La porta, per favore!

Pam: I got him, just toss him down!

Lana: I'm not tossing the frickin pope!

Archer: Somehow this is all your fault.

Pope: Che?

Archer: Oh for the -- this is the pope!

Lana: Oh, then woodhouse (o.S.) [yelp]

Woodhouse (o.S.): Oof!

Pam: Ow! Oh for shit's sake, already!

Archer: [chuckles] lana: Archer shut up and find

Us some - [krunch!]

Swiss guard: Sparale!

[brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpt!] lana: Oof! Transport! Are you

Shitting me?!

Archer: Well it was this or the vespas! It's not my fault

Italy's so gay. Which, by the way, pope, on the gay thing...

Pope: La sacra bibbia says it is a mortal sin. But get me out

Of here alive and I will pardon you for it, my son.

Archer: Wh-? No, I - pam: Haaaa!

Cheryl/carol (o.S.): So why are you scared of church stuff?

Did the unspeakable happen?

To your slender, hairless, adolescent body?

Cyril: Wh-? No!

Cheryl/carol: Aww...

Cyril: Eww!

Cheryl/carol: Right?!

Cyril: First of all, I'm not - I'm not scared of priests or

Nuns or - cheryl/carol: Bishops?

Cyril: No, I just -- cheryl/carol: Bishop the

Android from aliens?

Cyril: No! I told ms. Archer that because I didn't wanna go

On another mission with the world's worst colleague.

Cheryl/carol: Bishop the android from aliens?

Cyril: Archer! You think he's a dick here? On a mission he's

Ten times worse.

Cheryl/carol: That's impossible.

Archer (o.S.) oh really?!

Pam: Yes, really! A, I was a race car driver! And b -

Lana: Archer.

Archer: Your holiness, a little help?!

Pam: The pope could drive better than you!

Pope: No no, io non guido.

Pam: Ugh, esatto?

Pope: (chuckling) oh, capito...

Archer: Why're you taking her side?! She's lutheran!

Pope: Eh, luther had some valid complaints.

Lana: Archer! Owwwww!

Lana: Drive the ffffffffrickin car!

Archer: Okay, lana! What is your problem?

Lana: Well there's you... And also that.

Archer: Why aren't they on horseback?!

Lana: Because why would they be?!

Archer: Right, halberdsmen are foot-soldiers.

Pope: Mi scusi, the bigger question is, if they really are

The swiss guards...

Pam: Why are they wearing swiss guard uniforms, driving a

Swiss guard car?!

Pope: Esatto.

Lana: Holy sh -- it's a false flag operation! To make it look

Like the swiss guard!

Pope: Who told you I was to be assassinated?

Archer: Cardinal corelli! He - lana: He wouldn't, by any

Chance, be next in line for the papacy, would he?

Pope: Well, there would be an election -

Archer: Right, with the smudge- pot...

Pope: -- But corelli would be sure to win.

Lana: Pretty good motive.

Pam: (laughing) yeah, you must make a shitlo -

[brrrrrrrrpt!] everybody: Ahhhhhhhh!!!

[skreeech] lana: Go! What're you

Doing?!

Archer: I'm letting them catch up!

Everybody: Why?!

Archer: Can I finish?! He asked, agent-incommandingly!

Take the wheel and maintain speed! Woodhouse, lighter!

Woodhouse: I'm only ninety pounds wet, sir!

Archer: What? No you idiot, your spoon-cooker!

Woodhouse: Oh right.

Archer: Like pulling teeth with you people. Lana! Head

Toward swiss guard hq!

Lana: What, while you request freebird?!

Archer: Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Ahh.

[brrrrrrrpt] actually that was pretty good,

For you at least, but no, while I do...

Shit, I had a pun about flares.

Lana: Fake dynamite?!

Pam: That's your plan?! So hey, can I squeeze in a

Confession?

Pope: (chuckling) oho, ora dov'� il tuo martin luther?

Pam: Fine, I'll buy a damn indulgence! Oh wait...

Archer: Wait until they're right beside us, then swerve

Into em!

Lana: What, so you're crushed between the -

Archer: Woohoohoohoooooooooo!

Lana: Shoulda seen that comin...

Archer: Hey, I can see st. Peter's from -

Lana: Archer look ooouuut!

Archer: Goddammit, quit telling me what to do! I'm the

Goddamn agent-in-command!

Pope: Figo, he really drops the g.D. Bombs...

Pam: Plus he's a whoremonger.

Lana: Cough.

Pam: Oh please, who hasn't paid for it?! Still talking

About indulgences.

Archer (o.S.): Lana now!

Lana: He said, last wordsingly. Hang on!

Everybody: Ahhhh, oh!!

Driver: Sparale!

Sparale!

[brrrrrrrrrpt!] archer: What the-?! Pam,

What'd he say?!

Pam: What do you think he said, dicknuts?! Pay attention

To the frickin context!

Archer: Well sorry I don't have your language-nerd skills!

Hang on... Pambit!

Pam (o.S.): Wrong x-man, dumbass!

Archer: Still though...

[brrrrrrrrrrrrpt!] driver: Non lui! Il papa!

Spar'al papa!

Swiss guard: Ohhhh...

Lana: Ohhh, shit! Pam!!

Pam: Get doowwwn!

Woodhouse/pope: Ungh! Ungh!

[brrrrrrrrrrrrpt!] lana/pam: Unghh!

Archer: Lanaaaa!

Lana: Rrrgh. I'm fine!

Pam: Yeah me too, asshole!

Archer (o.S.): Oh good.

Lana: Is the pope hit?!

Pam: Uhh... No, he's, they're both good.

Driver: Recarica! Spara di nuovo!

Archer: Really wish I hadn't focused so heavily on the

Romansh...

Archer [snoring] woman's voice: Lesson

One. Leshau untg.

Pam: Context! They're reloading!

Archer: Ohhh... That's what you mean by context?

Driver (o.S.): Spara!

Lana: What else could she possibly mean?!

Archer: Who am I, william safire?! Oh and speaking of...

In the hole!

[shump] lana: What?

Archer: Safire in the hole, lana, it's a -

[kabrooooom!] everybody: Waaaagh!

Archer: Lana look oooooouuuu - [krooom!]

[car alarms blaring] archer: Ow.

Commander: So. The good news is, my men have apprehended

Cardinal corelli, who immediately confessed to the

Plot.

Pam: Hey heyyy, that is good news!

Lana: You know how the whole "the good news is" thing works,

Right?

Commander: The bad news is - pam: Oh right.

Commander: -- The men you killed were camorra.

Pam: What're they, like the mafia?

Commander: (chuckle) the camorra is like your mafia

Like...

Lana: Seal team six is like the girl scouts.

Commander: Exactly.

Pam: So... Equally sexy?

Lana: Eww!

Pam: Oww!

Archer (o.S.): Oww!

Archer: But the real good news, ow! Dick! Is that we

Saved the pope's life.

Commander: For which we are grateful. However...

We cannot tell these two apart, so...

Archer: So I actually have an idea about that.

Lana: Is it take them both home, see which one's a better

Butler, and give the other one back to the catholic church?

Archer: Never mind.

Lana: Then why don't we leave them both here until they come

To. I'm sure woodhouse never gets a vacation.

Archer: Are you kidding? I didn't even let him go to his

Brother's funeral.

Pam: What?!

Lana: Oh my -- you asshole!

Was he crushed?!

Archer: Probably woulda been.

If I'd told him about it.

Lana: Ugh. But wait, why did corelli hire isis to prevent

The assassination?

Commander: To show the cardinals he was trying to

Prevent it, all the while assuming -

Lana: What, that we'd totally bl-ow my god he assumed we'd

Totally blow it?!

Commander: Well... Isis has a certain reputation.

Archer: Hey, whoa! Not cool, payne stewart!

Lana: Oh, my god, if malory ever hears about this -

Archer: Which she won't!

Because pam?!

Pam: What?

Archer: Promise you'll never tell mother!

Pam: Okay, I promise! Swear to god!

Malory (o.S.): What?!

Archer/lana (o.S.): Pam! Pam!

Pam (o.S.): Haaaaa!?

[theme music]

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