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1
00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:03,869
Malory (o.S.): No, coordinate
with rome, then get me the
2
00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:06,972
Latest intel, then tell rodney
they need travel documents
3
00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:08,340
An hour ago...
4
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,043
Then bring me the file I asked
for!
5
00:00:11,045 --> 00:00:12,811
Gillette: Why don't I shove a
broom up my ass and sweep the
6
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:13,846
Floor while I'm at it?
7
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:14,513
Malory: What was that?!
8
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:14,513
Gillette: Nothing.
9
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:17,349
Malory: Good. Saves you the
embarrassment of an incredibly
10
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,051
Homophobic remark.
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00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,386
Cheryl/carol: Aww.
12
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:20,853
Gillette: Ew!
13
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:21,387
Malory: Go!
14
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:21,820
Gillette: Ow!
15
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:22,488
Lana: Ow!
16
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:23,455
Gillette (o.S.): Sorry!
17
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,390
Lana: What's going on?
18
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:25,391
Malory: Where?
19
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,459
Lana: Uh, this new place
called here!
20
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:31,797
Malory: Nothing
lana: Wh-? Malory.
21
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:37,002
Cheryl/carol: Good luck, she
just had an electro -
22
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:42,007
Malory: -- Electromagnetic
lock installed, are you serious?
23
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:44,076
Lana: Malory
malory: Because I'm seriously
24
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:47,312
Asking, did krieger give you
robot hands?
25
00:00:47,314 --> 00:00:48,080
Krieger: Not yet!
26
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:49,481
But you just say the word.
27
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,351
Lana: The -
[zzrrrzz].
28
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,186
Lana: Out.
29
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:57,322
Malory: Can't have anything
nice...
30
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:57,890
Malory: Krieger!
31
00:00:57,892 --> 00:00:59,758
Krieger: Jazz hands!
32
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,995
Malory: Should've never taken
him to see "the wiz."
33
00:01:02,997 --> 00:01:05,864
Lana: The broadway show or the
movie?
34
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:08,367
Krieger: Jazz hands!
35
00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:09,868
Malory: Both.
36
00:01:09,870 --> 00:01:12,071
Krieger: Jazz hands!
37
00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:14,673
Lana: I -- whatever, look,
obviously there's -
38
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:17,509
Malory: Nothing! Is going on,
lana! If there were, I would
39
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,344
Tell you, but -
[dooot]
40
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:21,447
Cheryl/carol: Uh, there's a
cardinal corelli on line one
41
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,215
For you? Something about a
radical faction of the swiss
42
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:27,786
Guard assassinating the pope
tomorrow night?
43
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:31,423
Lana: You need to get that?
44
00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:39,631
[theme music]
45
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:47,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
46
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:09,661
Lana: Do you. Need to get that.
47
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,296
Malory: No, I'm sure whoever
it is -
48
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,631
[dooot]
cheryl/carol (o.S.): It's the
49
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,733
Vatican! Line one! Jesus!
50
00:02:14,735 --> 00:02:17,569
Cheryl/carol: (gasp) shit, I
hope he didn't hear that.
51
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:18,770
(gasp) or that, shit!
52
00:02:18,772 --> 00:02:20,739
Malory: Just put him through,
you idiot!
53
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,908
Cheryl/carol (o.S.): Okay,
jesus! [gasp] shit...
54
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:27,913
Malory: Uhhhhh
ah ha ha, giancarlo! Como stai?
55
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,916
Corelli: Molto meglio, cara
mia, now that I see your eyes,
56
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:33,118
Your lips, your...
57
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,155
Malory: Giancarlo! Siete senza
vergogna.
58
00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:38,924
Corelli: And you, are the only
woman who ever made me regret
59
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,959
Taking the holy orders.
60
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,829
Malory: And you are the only
man who ever made me -
61
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,531
Ron cadillac: Come oonnn!
62
00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:46,832
I'm right here, ya know!
63
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:46,832
Malory: Why?!
64
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,801
Ron cadillac: Gettin new
carpet in my office. Which,
65
00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:50,702
Speaking of...
66
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:51,537
Malory: Ron?!
67
00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:53,539
Corelli: Malory, you have
married?
68
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:54,806
Malory: Ehh...
69
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:57,009
Corelli: You are a fortunate
man, signore.
70
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:58,977
Ron cadillac: Ah, blow it out
yer cassock.
71
00:02:58,979 --> 00:02:58,977
Malory: Ron!
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00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:02,548
Corelli: Malory. We don't have
much time. Your agents of isis,
73
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:03,549
They are ready?
74
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:06,451
Lana: Or they are confused
verging on angry?
75
00:03:06,453 --> 00:03:09,988
Malory: Lana, it's an
undercover mission. At the
76
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:09,988
Vatican?
77
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:14,393
Lana: What, they don't have
black nuns? Although granted
78
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:18,830
I've never seen one. But that's
not like, a rule, is it?
79
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:18,830
Corelli: Ehh...
80
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:22,201
Lana: Well since you're not
sending me, and I assume you're
81
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,869
Not sending ray...
82
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:26,004
Malory: To the vatican? You
think all those catholic
83
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:30,842
Priests wouldn't peg him -
[cough, cough] as american?
84
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,377
With that hillbilly accent?
85
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:35,247
Corelli: Malory, I must go
now. Please hurry!
86
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:38,650
Lana: So not ray, and not me,
which leaves...
87
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,086
[gregorian chant]
lana: [sigh]
88
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:44,656
Archer: In nomine patris, et
filii, et spiritus sancti, et
89
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:49,761
Cetera, et -
lana: You can't.
90
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,897
No one is gonna believe
archer is a priest.
91
00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:54,166
Archer: For your infor - I'm
in! Turn it off!
92
00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:55,067
Cheryl/carol (o.S.): Okay!
93
00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:56,868
Jesus! [gasp] shit.
94
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,004
Archer: For your information,
lana, I have totally prepared
95
00:03:59,006 --> 00:03:59,004
For this mission.
96
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,673
Lana: Well there's a firs -
archer: First thing I did was
97
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:04,576
Watch every episode of "lucy,
daughter of the devil." which
98
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:07,279
By the way, was grossly -
lana: Inadequate preparation,
99
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,581
For an undercover mission
protecting the pope from an
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00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,016
Assassination attempt!
101
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,018
Archer: I was gonna say
"underrated," but -
102
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,953
Lana: But even if you were
prepared -
103
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,288
Archer: Which I truly feel
that I am.
104
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:18,290
Lana: -- But which you're not,
who's your backup if ray's not
105
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,092
Going? Cyril?
106
00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:20,092
Archer: No...
107
00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:23,762
Malory: No, it turns out cyril -
cyril: Aaagh!
108
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,197
How bout a little warning?!
109
00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:27,766
Malory: Has a thing. About
church stuff.
110
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:27,766
Lana: Since when?
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00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,736
Cyril: Since none of your
beeswax, and -
112
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:31,303
Archer: Bwoohahaahaaa!
113
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:31,970
Cyril: Aaagh!
114
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:33,872
Lana: Well...
115
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:38,644
Cyril: And I think I need a
spanking, because I have been a
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00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:44,416
Very naughty baaaaagh!
117
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:47,085
Lana: Guess that explains
that. But it doesn't explain
118
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,254
How archer's gonna run this
mission by himself.
119
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:52,457
Malory: Well, if you were
"confused verging on angry"
120
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,425
Before...
121
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,092
Cyril (o.S.): Aaagh!
122
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:54,993
Pam (o.S.): What?!
123
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:58,430
Pam: Jesus christ... Shit. God
damn it.
124
00:04:58,432 --> 00:04:59,231
Malory: Pam!
125
00:04:59,233 --> 00:04:59,931
Pam: What.
126
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:00,599
Lana: Pam?!
127
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:01,433
Pam: What?!
128
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:02,000
Archer: Paaaam!
129
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,503
Pam: Whaaat?!
130
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:07,406
Archer: I dunno, what're we
doing?
131
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,741
Lana: Esatto! Che cosa stiamo
facendo?!
132
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:11,843
Pam: Aww man, we have to learn
latin?
133
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,745
Archer: Ew yeah, that's a
dealbreaker.
134
00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:16,114
Lana: You were speaking latin
when you walked in here -
135
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:16,114
Archer: Mmmmno...
136
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:19,918
Lana: -- Whereas I was just
speaking italian, which neither
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00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:23,088
Of you speak nor even
understand, obviously, so -
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00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,157
Archer: So?! Lana, the
assassination plot is being
139
00:05:25,159 --> 00:05:27,192
Hatched by the swiss guard?
140
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:28,493
Lana: So...?
141
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:30,495
Archer: So it's an eight-hour
flight, so we get some tapes
142
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,864
And brush up on our -
lana: Swiss?
143
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:32,864
Archer: Duh?
144
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:36,001
Lana: Well, since swiss isn't
a language, maybe you should
145
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:39,504
Get some tapes on german,
french, italian and romansh.
146
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:40,706
Archer: Maybe I will.
147
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,774
Malory: Alright. Lana pack a
bag, you're -
148
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,543
Archer: No! Mother come on, we
don't need -
149
00:05:44,545 --> 00:05:46,478
Malory: Lana! Is going!
150
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:46,478
Lana: Ha!
151
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,614
Malory: And pam, if you keep
your eyes open and your big
152
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:52,617
Mouth shut, you just might
learn something from her.
153
00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:53,385
Pam: Ha!
154
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,853
Archer: Why are you going ha?!
155
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,221
Pam: I dunno, what're we doing?
156
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:58,990
Lana: I'll tell you what we
should be doing. So, who does
157
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:01,159
The pope remind you of?
158
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,194
Malory: Ha!
159
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:03,061
Archer: What.
160
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:04,029
Lana: Haaa!
161
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:07,165
Archer: Shut up! And you also
shut up.
162
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,233
Woodhouse: Yessir.
163
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:08,233
Pam: Haaa!
164
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:11,203
Archer: Why are you still
going ha?!
165
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:13,205
Pam: Pink panther's on.
166
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:15,874
Father guido sardoochbag.?
167
00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:22,247
Archer (o.S.): Oh really?
168
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:24,716
Archer: Because she didn't
specify an agent in-command,
169
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,252
Lana, so I would argue -
lana (o.S.): With a fence post.
170
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:30,255
Archer: I wouldn't argue with
a -- oof! Move, idiot!
171
00:06:30,257 --> 00:06:31,690
Pam: I'm goin as fast as I can!
172
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,658
Archer: Not you, the -
pam: The fence post?
173
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:33,658
Lana (o.S.): Ha!
174
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:36,995
Archer: It was a bollard! And
my point was -
175
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:39,664
Lana: Fine! You're agent-in-
command! Now shut up, brief
176
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:41,867
Corelli, and get the access
code to the pope's apartment!
177
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:44,836
[doot]
archer: I... Will, because I
178
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,204
Command me to.
179
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,407
Lana: And you should eat, this
could be a long night, and
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00:06:48,409 --> 00:06:50,342
You're... So teeny.
181
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:50,342
Woodhouse: Hm?
182
00:06:50,344 --> 00:06:54,279
Lana: Seriously, eat, you're
like a slow loris.
183
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,782
Woodhouse: Oh, no, bit off my
feed, I'm afraid.
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00:06:56,784 --> 00:07:00,419
Lana: Woodhouse, you need to -
oh c'mon, you need to fix?
185
00:07:00,421 --> 00:07:01,853
Woodhouse: [whimper]
lana: Well, is there some
186
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,556
Amount you can shoot up to get
right for the mission, without
187
00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:07,125
Gettin all... Trainspotty?
188
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:07,125
Woodhouse: Back in a tick!
189
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:11,363
Lana: Oh for the -- and thanks
for making me carry your bag
190
00:07:11,365 --> 00:07:12,531
Through customs!
191
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,433
Woodhouse (o.S.): No, thank
you!
192
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:15,434
Archer (o.S.): Grazie.
193
00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:18,570
Grazie mille,
vostra... Majesty-o?
194
00:07:18,572 --> 00:07:21,807
Corelli: Your italian is, how
you say, shit?
195
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:23,942
Archer: Then you are not gonna
like my romansh.
196
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,378
Corelli: Mio dio! You think
this is funny?!
197
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:27,746
Archer: I thought that was.
198
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,781
Corelli: Assassins plan to
kill the holy father in his own
199
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:34,719
Bed, on this very night, ma tu
stai qui con la testa nel culo!
200
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:37,789
Pam: Whoa whoa, take it down a
notch, st. Louis! His head is
201
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:38,990
Not up his ass!
202
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,592
Archer: How'd you know what
he said?
203
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,827
Pam: It was an eight-hour
flight.
204
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,595
Archer: Wow, did you learn
romansh?
205
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:46,331
Pam: Who am I, cypher? The
gayest x-man?
206
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:49,134
Archer: I dunno, gambit looks
like he knows his way around a
207
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,402
Pair of -
corelli: Basta! Here is the
208
00:07:50,404 --> 00:07:53,738
Access card to the holy
father's private apartment. I
209
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:56,808
Assume you have a plan once
inside?
210
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,744
Pam: We call it the old
switcheroo.
211
00:07:59,746 --> 00:08:01,513
Archer: We absolutely do not
call it the old switcheroo.
212
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,782
Corelli: Mio dio!
213
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,784
Lesser cardinals: [gasp]
archer: I know, right? Trope
214
00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:07,486
Alert!
215
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:08,620
Corelli: Che?
216
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:13,191
Pam: Eh... Non si traduce bene.
217
00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:14,259
Lana: Feeling better?
218
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,862
Woodhouse: Sound as a pound,
my dear.
219
00:08:16,864 --> 00:08:18,663
Where the hell are we?
220
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:21,833
Lana: Uh, this new place
called Italy?
221
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,835
Woodhouse: How'd I get all the
way downtown?
222
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,303
Lana: Wh-? Not little Italy!
223
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:26,671
Italy, Italy!
224
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,007
Woodhouse: Bloody hell. What
are we doing here?
225
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,709
Lana: Thwarting an
assassination attempt on the
226
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:33,879
Pope. Using you as a decoy.
227
00:08:33,881 --> 00:08:35,881
Woodhouse: Back in a tick!
228
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:38,049
Lana: With ken and your weekend
weather. And you may need an
229
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,352
Umbrella because it's going to
be raining.
230
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,020
Dead ass popes.
231
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,689
Pam (o.S.): Aw crap, he's
already dead.
232
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,292
Archer: No he's not, he's just
old. That's how woodhouse looks
233
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,460
When he's asleep.
234
00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:49,661
Pam: I'm gonna get a mirror.
235
00:08:49,663 --> 00:08:52,063
Archer: Right until he wakes
and sees me staring at him
236
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:56,067
With night-vision goggles and
literally pisses himself. Hey,
237
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,336
Does woodhouse seem unhappy to
you, or -- what the hell're you
238
00:08:58,338 --> 00:08:58,336
Doing?!
239
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:02,040
Pam: Gonna see if his breath
fogs it up.
240
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,742
Archer: Put the stupid mirror
back, he's not -
241
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:07,979
Pam: [gasp]
archer: Dead. Nice job, oliver
242
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:08,914
Cromwell.
243
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:08,914
Pam: I killed the pope!
244
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,583
Archer: Yeah, that's why I
said oliver crom -
245
00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:15,420
Pam: Jesus christ I'm going to
hell I'm going to hell I'm
246
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:17,355
Going to hell I'm -
[thwak! Thwak! Thwak!]
247
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:18,023
Archer: Pam.
248
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,925
Pam: Yes?
249
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:23,028
Archer: Get off the pope.
250
00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:26,431
Archer: Heeey,
your holiness...
251
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:26,431
Pam: Is he dead?!
252
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,934
Archer: I dunno, shut up, I'm -
pam: Should I get another
253
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:32,037
Mirror? But like, a much much
smaller one?
254
00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:34,205
Lana (o.S.): No, you're half
heroin already!
255
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,840
[clunk]
lana: Okay, here's junkie
256
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,776
Brewster, let's...
257
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:38,843
Where's the pope?
258
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,045
Archer: Soo, here's the thing.
259
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:41,379
Pam: Promise you won't get mad?
260
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,682
Lana: I -- actually
do not promise I won't get mad,
261
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:44,883
Because here's what thing?
262
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:46,051
Archer: Um...
263
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:48,853
Lana: What, why is there a
giant mirror on the oh my god
264
00:09:48,855 --> 00:09:50,288
You crushed the pope?!
265
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:52,724
Lana: Don't just stand there
idiots, help me get it off and
266
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:53,892
Pam! Woodhouse!
267
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:54,960
Pam: Huh? Oh!
268
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:55,860
Woodhouse (o.S.): Oof!
269
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:56,962
Woodhouse (o.S.): Ow!
270
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:59,731
Pam: Ow! What the -- is
that a needle?!
271
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,866
Archer: [chuckles]
lana: Rrrrrgh!
272
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:03,234
Pope: [gasping]
lana: Oh thank god!
273
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,971
Pope: Chi siete voi, dove sono
le guardie?!
274
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,440
Lana: We're -- your holiness,
do you speak english?
275
00:10:08,442 --> 00:10:11,309
Pope: Yes, of course, but -
archer: Ha! Way to waste your
276
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,378
Time learning italian, pam!
277
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:17,382
Pam: Aw, stai zitto, testa di
cazzo. And could you...?
278
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:18,650
Woodhouse: Sorry.
279
00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:21,252
Pope: Dio mio! He look just
like me!
280
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,455
Lana: Yes, your holiness, he's
a decoy. We have reason to
281
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:25,991
Believe a faction of the swiss
guard will make an attempt on
282
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,293
Your life tonight, so -
archer: So if you don't mind
283
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,795
Hopping out of those pope-
jamas...
284
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,798
Lana: Archer? We'll hide you,
put him in your place, wait for
285
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:35,734
Them to come in -
pope: And then what?! You are
286
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:36,901
Only two!
287
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:39,604
Archer: Well three, so -
pam: Better make that two.
288
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:42,407
Think I mighta grabbed the tail
of the dragon here...
289
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,676
Woodhouse: Ooh, then you're in
for a treat!
290
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:47,345
Archer: Shut up! And with all
due respect your holiness,
291
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:48,747
It's the swiss guard...
292
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,416
I think we can
handle a few court jesters
293
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,018
With, whatever, halberds.
294
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,987
Lana: Which, you realize are
just ceremonial.
295
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,523
Archer: Obviously they're
ceremonial, they were made
296
00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:00,191
Obsolete by the arquebus.
297
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:02,994
Lana: Which is why now they
use mp-5's.
298
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:02,994
Archer: Oh.
299
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:06,031
Lana: Which is why where's the
gear bag with all of our
300
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,465
Automatic weapons?!
301
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:09,134
Archer: Well I assume in the
hotel room, but -
302
00:11:09,136 --> 00:11:10,869
Lana: God -
archer: I thought they just
303
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:10,869
Had halberds!
304
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,638
Lana: Do you at least have a
sidearm?!
305
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,273
Archer: It was ruining the
lines of my cassock.
306
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:15,273
Lana: Dammit!
307
00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:18,209
Archer: And again, I honestly
thought they just had -
308
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:21,012
[rattle rattle]
archer: -- Halberds. Although
309
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,515
Technically I think they're
called voulges.
310
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:24,983
Swiss guard (o.S.): Santo
padre! La porta, per favore!
311
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:27,819
Pam: I got him, just toss him
down!
312
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:30,188
Lana: I'm not tossing the
frickin pope!
313
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,057
Archer: Somehow this is all
your fault.
314
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:33,058
Pope: Che?
315
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:35,627
Archer: Oh for the -- this is
the pope!
316
00:11:35,629 --> 00:11:37,495
Lana: Oh, then
woodhouse (o.S.) [yelp]
317
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:37,495
Woodhouse (o.S.): Oof!
318
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:40,832
Pam: Ow! Oh for shit's sake,
already!
319
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,634
Archer: [chuckles]
lana: Archer shut up and find
320
00:11:42,636 --> 00:11:44,002
Us some -
[krunch!]
321
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:44,002
Swiss guard: Sparale!
322
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:48,973
[brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrpt!]
lana: Oof! Transport! Are you
323
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:48,973
Shitting me?!
324
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:52,143
Archer: Well it was this or
the vespas! It's not my fault
325
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:56,014
Italy's so gay. Which, by the
way, pope, on the gay thing...
326
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:59,317
Pope: La sacra bibbia says it
is a mortal sin. But get me out
327
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:02,487
Of here alive and I will pardon
you for it, my son.
328
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,757
Archer: Wh-? No, I -
pam: Haaaa!
329
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:12,597
Cheryl/carol (o.S.): So why
are you scared of church stuff?
330
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,365
Did the unspeakable happen?
331
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:17,736
To your slender, hairless,
adolescent body?
332
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:19,237
Cyril: Wh-? No!
333
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:20,171
Cheryl/carol: Aww...
334
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:20,739
Cyril: Eww!
335
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:20,739
Cheryl/carol: Right?!
336
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:24,743
Cyril: First of all, I'm not -
I'm not scared of priests or
337
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,377
Nuns or -
cheryl/carol: Bishops?
338
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,679
Cyril: No, I just --
cheryl/carol: Bishop the
339
00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:27,679
Android from aliens?
340
00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:31,750
Cyril: No! I told ms. Archer
that because I didn't wanna go
341
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,852
On another mission with the
world's worst colleague.
342
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:35,687
Cheryl/carol: Bishop the
android from aliens?
343
00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:38,256
Cyril: Archer! You think he's
a dick here? On a mission he's
344
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:42,193
Ten times worse.
345
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:43,061
Cheryl/carol: That's impossible.
346
00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,229
Archer (o.S.) oh really?!
347
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:48,433
Pam: Yes, really! A, I was a
race car driver! And b -
348
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:48,433
Lana: Archer.
349
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,268
Archer: Your holiness, a
little help?!
350
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,903
Pam: The pope could drive
better than you!
351
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:54,038
Pope: No no, io non guido.
352
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,273
Pam: Ugh, esatto?
353
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,441
Pope: (chuckling) oh, capito...
354
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,043
Archer: Why're you taking her
side?! She's lutheran!
355
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,613
Pope: Eh, luther had some
valid complaints.
356
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:02,614
Lana: Archer! Owwwww!
357
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:04,783
Lana: Drive the ffffffffrickin
car!
358
00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:08,052
Archer: Okay, lana! What is
your problem?
359
00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:10,421
Lana: Well there's you... And
also that.
360
00:13:10,423 --> 00:13:12,457
Archer: Why aren't they on
horseback?!
361
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,626
Lana: Because why would they
be?!
362
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:18,396
Archer: Right, halberdsmen are
foot-soldiers.
363
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:21,399
Pope: Mi scusi, the bigger
question is, if they really are
364
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:23,067
The swiss guards...
365
00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:25,069
Pam: Why are they wearing
swiss guard uniforms, driving a
366
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:26,771
Swiss guard car?!
367
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:26,771
Pope: Esatto.
368
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:31,743
Lana: Holy sh -- it's a false
flag operation! To make it look
369
00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:33,244
Like the swiss guard!
370
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:36,314
Pope: Who told you I was to be
assassinated?
371
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,817
Archer: Cardinal corelli! He -
lana: He wouldn't, by any
372
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:43,621
Chance, be next in line for the
papacy, would he?
373
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:46,024
Pope: Well, there would be an
election -
374
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,759
Archer: Right, with the smudge-
pot...
375
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:50,128
Pope: -- But corelli would be
sure to win.
376
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,362
Lana: Pretty good motive.
377
00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:53,531
Pam: (laughing) yeah, you must
make a shitlo -
378
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:56,935
[brrrrrrrrpt!]
everybody: Ahhhhhhhh!!!
379
00:13:56,937 --> 00:14:02,106
[skreeech]
lana: Go! What're you
380
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:03,041
Doing?!
381
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,342
Archer: I'm letting them catch
up!
382
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:04,342
Everybody: Why?!
383
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:08,646
Archer: Can I finish?! He
asked, agent-incommandingly!
384
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:11,850
Take the wheel and maintain
speed! Woodhouse, lighter!
385
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:14,185
Woodhouse: I'm only ninety
pounds wet, sir!
386
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,455
Archer: What? No you idiot,
your spoon-cooker!
387
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:17,455
Woodhouse: Oh right.
388
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:21,292
Archer: Like pulling teeth
with you people. Lana! Head
389
00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,027
Toward swiss guard hq!
390
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,896
Lana: What, while you request
freebird?!
391
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:26,865
Archer: Ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.
392
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:26,865
Ahh.
393
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:30,468
[brrrrrrrpt]
actually that was pretty good,
394
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,504
For you at least, but no, while
I do...
395
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:35,874
Shit, I had a pun about flares.
396
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,375
Lana: Fake dynamite?!
397
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,178
Pam: That's your plan?! So
hey, can I squeeze in a
398
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:40,178
Confession?
399
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:44,983
Pope: (chuckling) oho, ora
dov'� il tuo martin luther?
400
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:49,053
Pam: Fine, I'll buy a damn
indulgence! Oh wait...
401
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,722
Archer: Wait until they're
right beside us, then swerve
402
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:51,856
Into em!
403
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,491
Lana: What, so you're crushed
between the -
404
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,894
Archer: Woohoohoohoooooooooo!
405
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:58,496
Lana: Shoulda seen that comin...
406
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,064
Archer: Hey, I can see st.
Peter's from -
407
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,733
Lana: Archer look ooouuut!
408
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,935
Archer: Goddammit, quit
telling me what to do! I'm the
409
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,937
Goddamn agent-in-command!
410
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,840
Pope: Figo, he really drops
the g.D. Bombs...
411
00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:10,375
Pam: Plus he's a whoremonger.
412
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:10,375
Lana: Cough.
413
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:15,613
Pam: Oh please, who hasn't
paid for it?! Still talking
414
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:16,581
About indulgences.
415
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:17,582
Archer (o.S.): Lana now!
416
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,051
Lana: He said, last
wordsingly. Hang on!
417
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,552
Everybody: Ahhhh, oh!!
418
00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:22,387
Driver: Sparale!
419
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:23,454
Sparale!
420
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,189
[brrrrrrrrrpt!]
archer: What the-?! Pam,
421
00:15:25,191 --> 00:15:25,189
What'd he say?!
422
00:15:25,191 --> 00:15:28,927
Pam: What do you think he
said, dicknuts?! Pay attention
423
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:30,795
To the frickin context!
424
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:33,765
Archer: Well sorry I don't
have your language-nerd skills!
425
00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:36,467
Hang on... Pambit!
426
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:37,936
Pam (o.S.): Wrong x-man,
dumbass!
427
00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:37,936
Archer: Still though...
428
00:15:37,938 --> 00:15:41,706
[brrrrrrrrrrrrpt!]
driver: Non lui! Il papa!
429
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,241
Spar'al papa!
430
00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:44,542
Swiss guard: Ohhhh...
431
00:15:44,544 --> 00:15:46,210
Lana: Ohhh, shit! Pam!!
432
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:46,978
Pam: Get doowwwn!
433
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:46,978
Woodhouse/pope: Ungh! Ungh!
434
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:50,448
[brrrrrrrrrrrrpt!]
lana/pam: Unghh!
435
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,783
Archer: Lanaaaa!
436
00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,985
Lana: Rrrgh. I'm fine!
437
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:56,487
Pam: Yeah me too, asshole!
438
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:57,622
Archer (o.S.): Oh good.
439
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:58,623
Lana: Is the pope hit?!
440
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:02,327
Pam: Uhh... No, he's, they're
both good.
441
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,929
Driver: Recarica! Spara di
nuovo!
442
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,497
Archer: Really wish I hadn't
focused so heavily on the
443
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,066
Romansh...
444
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,635
Archer [snoring]
woman's voice: Lesson
445
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,504
One. Leshau untg.
446
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:16,474
Pam: Context! They're
reloading!
447
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:19,644
Archer: Ohhh... That's what
you mean by context?
448
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:20,611
Driver (o.S.): Spara!
449
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,413
Lana: What else could she
possibly mean?!
450
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:25,984
Archer: Who am I, william
safire?! Oh and speaking of...
451
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,286
In the hole!
452
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,954
[shump]
lana: What?
453
00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:32,323
Archer: Safire in the hole,
lana, it's a -
454
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:35,460
[kabrooooom!]
everybody: Waaaagh!
455
00:16:35,462 --> 00:16:38,262
Archer: Lana look oooooouuuu -
[krooom!]
456
00:16:38,264 --> 00:16:44,669
[car alarms blaring]
archer: Ow.
457
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:47,605
Commander: So. The good news
is, my men have apprehended
458
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:49,941
Cardinal corelli, who
immediately confessed to the
459
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:49,941
Plot.
460
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:53,044
Pam: Hey heyyy, that is good
news!
461
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:56,147
Lana: You know how the whole
"the good news is" thing works,
462
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:56,147
Right?
463
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,383
Commander: The bad news is -
pam: Oh right.
464
00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:01,052
Commander: -- The men you
killed were camorra.
465
00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,487
Pam: What're they, like the
mafia?
466
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,623
Commander: (chuckle) the
camorra is like your mafia
467
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:06,624
Like...
468
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,559
Lana: Seal team six is like
the girl scouts.
469
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,294
Commander: Exactly.
470
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:12,463
Pam: So... Equally sexy?
471
00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:12,830
Lana: Eww!
472
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:13,564
Pam: Oww!
473
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:14,732
Archer (o.S.): Oww!
474
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:18,503
Archer: But the real good
news, ow! Dick! Is that we
475
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,204
Saved the pope's life.
476
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,840
Commander: For which we are
grateful. However...
477
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:25,643
We cannot tell
these two apart, so...
478
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,713
Archer: So I actually have an
idea about that.
479
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,681
Lana: Is it take them both
home, see which one's a better
480
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:33,584
Butler, and give the other one
back to the catholic church?
481
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:33,584
Archer: Never mind.
482
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,821
Lana: Then why don't we leave
them both here until they come
483
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:40,158
To. I'm sure woodhouse never
gets a vacation.
484
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,427
Archer: Are you kidding? I
didn't even let him go to his
485
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:43,428
Brother's funeral.
486
00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:44,095
Pam: What?!
487
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,664
Lana: Oh my -- you asshole!
488
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,532
Was he crushed?!
489
00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:48,533
Archer: Probably woulda been.
490
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,234
If I'd told him about it.
491
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:53,671
Lana: Ugh. But wait, why did
corelli hire isis to prevent
492
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:55,206
The assassination?
493
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,708
Commander: To show the
cardinals he was trying to
494
00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,945
Prevent it, all the while
assuming -
495
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:03,915
Lana: What, that we'd totally
bl-ow my god he assumed we'd
496
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,083
Totally blow it?!
497
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:09,020
Commander: Well... Isis has a
certain reputation.
498
00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:11,589
Archer: Hey, whoa! Not cool,
payne stewart!
499
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,958
Lana: Oh, my god, if malory ever
hears about this -
500
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,226
Archer: Which she won't!
501
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,527
Because pam?!
502
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:17,428
Pam: What?
503
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,596
Archer: Promise you'll never
tell mother!
504
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:24,569
Pam: Okay, I promise! Swear to
god!
505
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:25,369
Malory (o.S.): What?!
506
00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:26,537
Archer/lana (o.S.): Pam! Pam!
507
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:29,640
Pam (o.S.): Haaaaa!?
508
00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:41,652
[theme music]
509
00:18:42,305 --> 00:18:48,817
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