All language subtitles for the.grand.tour.s02e01.web.h264-strife[ettv]

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you.

We're back!

We are back!

Thank you very much,
everyone, and welcome.

Welcome to our
permanent new home

here in the green heart
of England-land.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!

Can I just say, it's not so
much green as inconvenient.

Why is it inconvenient?

Well, Jeremy,
tell the ladies and gentlemen

why you decided to put
our tent precisely here.

Ah, it is exactly here
because this spot

is exactly half way
between May's house
and Hammond's house.

So there is no squabbling

over who had
the longest commute.

Yes, but your house
is just over there.

I can see it, just there.

I haven't got a house.
You may remember
you blew it up.

Oh, all right,
your backup house.

Yeah, your spare house
is just there.

Let's not get bogged down
with whose house
is the nearest.

It's yours. Definitely yours.

Is that your cat?

The point is...

Oh, hang on, Jezza,
you've got a parcel.

No, I can tell there's
a man putting one of those

"I can't be arsed
to ring the doorbell" cards
through the letterbox.

The tent is located here,
yes.

But this is still very much
The Grand Tour.

The globe is still
our playground,

as you will see
from this short clip

of what's coming up
over the next 11 weeks.

Won't Get Fooled Again

OK, it's time now and...

nobody's ever said this
on a car show before,

to save the world.

Morning, shoppers.

♪ We'll be fighting
in the streets ♪

-♪ With our children
at our feet ♪
-Oh, my giddy aunt!

♪ And the morals that
they worship will be gone ♪

Holy shit.

♪ I'll tip my hat
to the new constitution ♪

-Here they come!
-♪ Take a bow
for the new revolution ♪

-♪ Pick up my guitar
and play ♪
-Oh, here we go again!

♪ Just like yesterday ♪

♪ Then I'll get on my knees
and pray ♪

Way. Get out of the way.
I'm in a race.

♪ We don't get fooled again ♪

♪ Don't get fooled again ♪

Extending fuel nozzle.

We are pumping gas!

Have we got to drive
up there?

Fire service is now
available in your area.

Charge!

I'm better than him.

Bollocks!

- You're gonna have to work
a bit harder, Jaguar!

We've been busy.
We have been very busy.

Anyway, that...
that is all to come.

This, however, is now.

And we have
an important job to do.

An important question
to answer.

Which is better? The past,
the present, or the future?

By which I mean,
which is better -

petrol power, hybrid power,
or electrical power?

Now, to do this,
we are going to use
the Lamborghini Aventador S,

which has a petrol engine
and is therefore from
the pages of ancient history.

And that will be driven by
our resident Neanderthal.

Representing the present day,
we have the Honda NSX,

which is a modern hybrid.

And that, obviously,
will be driven by somebody
crisp and contemporary.

-Me.
-Yeah!

Yeah.

And I shall be driving
something from the future.

An all-electric supercar
from Croatia.

We know
how that ends.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

And... And...

And while we're on...

And while... while we are on
the subject of me,

I decided to take charge of
where we would do this test.

I'm tired of these two
picking places that
I don't like or understand.

Which is why this week
The Grand Tour

is off to Switzerland.

Well, here it is.
The Rimac Concept One.

The world's first
electric supercar.

And listen to that.
The hills are alive with
the sound of, well, nothing.

It's amazing.

At least it was
until they turned up.

Listen to that.

Look, everything
was better in the past.

Christopher Wren
was a better architect

than those numpties you see
on Grand Designs.

Bob Seger
could belt out a better tune
than Justin Bieber.

And this Lamborghini
is better than Hammond's
lady shaver.

It just is - in every way.

No,
the present is best.

Everything in the world now
is better than it was
a minute ago.

Everything in the world now
is better than it's going
to be in another minute,

because we don't know
what that is yet.

It might be
the nuclear holocaust.

Human kind can only
live in the present,

and that's why you need
a Honda NSX. OK?

The NSX
is by far the cleverest
of the three cars here.

Because of its
dual powertrain.

It has the dependability,

the availability,
of fossil fuels.

And the magic
and helpfulness,
if you like, of electricity.

It's a hybrid and it
really is rather brilliant.

They probably think this is

some sort of Eastern European
electric milk float
in a supercar suit.

Well, they're wrong.
Very wrong.

I have four
massive electric motors here.

One for each wheel.

So I'm in
a 1,241 brake horsepower,

all-electric supercar.

The speed in this
is other-worldly,

because it's achieved
so silently.

It's funny, isn't it? I'm
shouting but I don't need to.

I could talk quietly.

Even when I'm
accelerating hard.

I know the Rimac
is very pretty.

I can see that.

And I know it's very fast.

But I also know...
it can't do this.

Oh, my God!

That is
a six-and-a-half-litre V12.

Turning petrol into noise.

Come on, Hammond, admit it.

That is one hell of a noise.

It is cannon fire.

Fire! Bang-bang-
bang-bang-bang.

It is like watching
the battle of Waterloo
from a spaceship.

I know it looks like
the three of us are just

clowning around
in some supercars

on a lovely, lovely day,
on a beautiful bit of road,

but this is important work.

It is.

It is.

And to prove it's
important work,

we decided to pull over

and start acting like
important car journalists.

You may mock the idea
of a Croatian supercar,

but Rimac is already working
with Koenigsegg and Aston
Martin on their battery tech.

It's a serious company.

So serious that they make
nearly every bit of this car
themselves.

Satnav, switch gear,
headlamps - all in-house.

Mm, apart from the leather,
if you go for that,
which is Bulgarian.

-I love Bulgarian leather.
-It's my favourite.

But, anyway, the reason
I like the Aventador most

is because it defines
the supercar.

It wasn't designed to do a
billion round Brands Hatch.

It was designed to do 9
on Knightsbridge.

It was designed
to make people go "Wow",
and it does.

If you wanna go fast,
buy a Ferrari.

-Or a Rimac.
-No, that's for shaving
your legs if you're a lady.

I love the Lamborghini as well.
The styling especially,
it's fantastic.

But you know that the sort of
time and thought that

Lamborghini put into that,
Honda put into things that

they thought were important,
like making a new type of

steel section for that pillar
so it can be smaller,
so you can see out better.

Ten radiators
to cool the drivetrain

and lots of other stuff that
make modern technology
simple to use.

I just don't like it.

Well, how is that relevant?
I'm talking about it
and I like it.

-So you're wrong.
-I wanted to like it,
but I don't.

-You're redundant.
-I didn't...
I really wanted to like it.

I've been ten years
looking forward to it.
I wanted to like it.

I got in it,
I didn't like it.

-But it doesn't matter
because I do.
-You are wrong.

-I'm not wrong.
-You are.

Eventually, we stopped
arguing and set off...

so we could do more arguing
on the move.

So, James,
Honda's hybrid technology

has served them very well
in Formula One the last
couple of years, hasn't it?

Has it? I wouldn't
know and I don't care.

Formula One is irrelevant.

And then there are
actual details
that are wrong with that car.

Yes, go on.

Well, the gearbox
is dim-witted,
the steering's odd,

the sun visor's too flimsy,
the satnav's from a Civic,

and the fuel gauge
isn't straight.

What do you mean, the
fuel gauge isn't straight?

You look at
the actual needle.

It's not in the centre
of the dial.

-Yes, it is.
-It isn't.

The actual centre point
of the needle

is higher up
than the middle of the dial.

No, it isn't. The problem is,
when you're driving,

your head, which is too big,
is in the wrong place.

Isn't.
It's on top of my shoulders.
- Oh, God.

If you got
a measuring tape out -

and I'm sure you will,
cos you're that sort of man.

I don't need to get
a tape measure out.

I have a very good eye
for these things
and I can tell you it is.

Welcome to Radio Old.

I think the problem is the
needle boss is slightly proud
of the centre of the dial -

because your head's in
the wrong place.

Coming up next, we moan
about the price of things

and how young policemen
are these days.

Nyeh.

There's nothing wrong
with the fuel gauge. What
a ridiculous thing to say!

It's so good
to be back doing what we do.

Driving round corners
a bit too quickly

while shouting and bickering.

Sadly,
however, things took
a turn for the worse

when we arrived
at the hotel

that Hammond had booked.

Here we go.
This is our home.

This is gonna be great.

What?

Hammond.

What is
a "wellness retreat"?

One of these.

More specifically, hang on,
it said Swiss natural detox.
What is that?

-It's handy for
where we need to be.
-Can we get a drink here?

No.

-Are you serious?
-Yes.

Do you realise that could
result in your death?

-"Could"?
-Yes.

Sorry, will.

-What are you
thinking of?
-Why?

It's convenient.
It's near many things
I want to be near.

-It's the only hotel?
-Do they do colonic here?
-Yes.

Would you like to know
what colonic feels like?

-The new electric version.
-Do they really
do colonic here?

-You might
feel better for it.
-I won't feel better for it!

You'll thank me for it
in a bit.

Would you like a glass of
water, James, and some kale?

Oh, yes, that's what I
always have for supper.

Over dinner that
night, the mood was dark.

I know people
who eat this stuff.

Do you know
what they're called?

Women.

Think how healthy you'll feel
when we get back.

-How long
are we here for?
-Four days.

Four days?

I've got a lot of things
planned.

-Yeah, but we're gonna
starve to death, Hammond.
-No, you won't.

Listen, what this is...
is tough love.

Well, not love for you two,
but it's what you need.

It's tougher hate than usual
is what I'm giving you.

I'm taking you in hand
and for both of your sakes,

turning it around,
turning over a new leaf.

I actually think James
is looking better already.

-He's got a healthy glow.
-He isn't looking better.
He's looking angrier.

You're gonna look
a lot worse in a minute,
I can guarantee that.

Look at the view.
Look at that. Look at that.

You can't eat that!

Ungrateful sod!

OK, we will pick that up
later on.

Yes. And now it's time for us

to take a stroll down
the smooth sidewalks
of Conversation Street.

That was good.

Now, I'd like to begin
Conversation Street

with the world's most
incompetent TV host,
James May,

who filmed
the entire series...

and as you saw in that sting,
the sting itself,

and in the montage, and in
Switzerland, looking...

Well, with long hair,
looking like a roadie
for Steppenwolf.

And then he turned up
this morning

looking like
a geography teacher.

James, have you ever heard of
the concept of continuity?

He had to do it,
had to make a change,

because he had
his identity stolen.

I did, actually.
That is absolutely true.

I did have
my identity stolen.

Somebody got hold of,
you know, personal details,

address and date of birth,
and they've opened, you know,

eight bank accounts
with overdrafts and loans

and all that stuff
that I'd be liable for.

What fascinates me about this
is they had a choice.

They could've been David
Beckham or Brad Pitt.

Yeah, you can look
around the world. Anybody.

I wanna be Barack Obama.
Cool, powerful.

No, wait a minute.

I want to live in Hammersmith
and have a folding bicycle

so that one day,
I can walk out of my house

and say, "Look at me. Behold,
I have become James May."

"And now I will organise
your paperclips.
Have you got a pie?"

The good thing is, James...

is we can guarantee this will
never happen to you again.

-Can you?
-Yes.

Because we have come up
with a new name for you.

Yeah. You are now...

Dingleberry Handpump.

Right.

That is your name,
your new identity.

Nobody's gonna steal that
cos nobody's gonna go into
a mobile phone shop and say,

"I'd like to set up an
account. My name is
Dingleberry Handpump."

-Yes.
-You're completely safe.

It's just that
that's now your name.

-I appreciate that.
-That's OK.

We're moving on
with an apology.

And it's for the lateness of
the arrival of this series.

The problem is that since
we were last here,

all three of us,
for one reason or another,
have been in hospital.

Uh, Handpump was in for...

I don't know why he was in.
But he was.

Hammond, well,
we'll see why later.
And then I had pneumonia.

-Um, this pneumonia
of yours.
-Yes.

It's something that people
catch from... going out
without your vest on.

-That's what I was told.
-Yes, my mum used to say,

you'd get it if you went out
with wet hair.

Yeah, that sort of thing.
And yet, you somehow managed
to catch pneumonia...

on the sun-kissed
Mediterranean isle
of Majorca.

Yes, I did. I did.

It's very odd, because he was
out there for five weeks.

He rang us after one,
and he said,

"I can't come home.
I've literally got
pneumonia."

-I had.
-And I looked it up.

It was 100 degrees
and bone dry.

-And yet you got pneumonia.
-I did catch pneumonia.

After a short while,
if I remember right,

-you managed to
get yourself to Ibiza.
-Yes, I did.

I don't remember
a news headline
in the papers that said,

"Jeremy Clarkson rushed
to Ibiza with pneumonia."

No, I know I wasn't rushed.
I went on a friend's boat.

"Sadly, Jeremy Clarkson
has been admitted
to a luxury yacht..."

-This pneumonia of yours
that you suffered from.
-Yes? Yes.

Was it at its worst in the
morning when you woke up?

And then did it get better
through the day, every day,

towards the evening,
every day?

It was pneumonia,
for crying out loud!

You're mocking the afflicted.

OK, Handpump, why don't you
tell the ladies and gentlemen
why you were in hospital?

No, I don't like
to make a fuss.
Let's talk about cars.

It's nothing to do
with my anus.

Let's just clear that up
in case...

-Um...
-I've got some conversation.

-What?
-Nissan has introduced

some special seats
that record your sweat.

-What?
-I've got a picture of them.

Right, they start blue.

And then they go yellow
where you've been sweating.

Why would you want seats
that do that?

-That's a very,
very good question
-It's the only question.

Yes. I looked into it.
Apparently, they say
it's because

you can tell
when you're dehydrated,

because you've
been sweating.

I know when I'm dehydrated.

It's because I feel thirsty
and I need a glass of wine.

Yeah.

-Well, be careful with that,
you'll get pneumonia again.
-That's how it starts.

That's how it starts.
I know what you mean.

Just don't applaud him.

Handpump.

That is the world's first...

Nissan have come up
with the world's first
pneumonia-sensing car seats.

That's absolutely incredible.

I know what you mean.
Our bodies are equipped with

means of telling us
that we are dehydrated
without looking at the seat.

-Exactly. Exactly.
-Like if you start
going for a pee

and just sand comes out,
it's time for some water.

If you're one of those
sort of slightly fat
jogger type people,

won't you end up with
like a yellow line

where your butt crack was?

Oh, how lovely!
How very lovely.

Do you know the worst one
I ever had with that?

I was filming
in the States, in Texas,
town called Lubbock.

And I borrowed a pickup truck
from this quite large
gentleman.

Um, who'd lent it.
We needed it for filming.

Drove it around all day,
took it back to him
in the evening.

He bent over to
pick something up,

and as he did that, he'd got
his shirt not tucked in.

As he bent over, I could see
he'd done his jeans up
under his arse.

-What?
-Well, 'cause
he wasn't a well off man.

He'd obviously bought
a pair of jeans
when he was 14

and didn't fit them any more,
so he just simply...

And I could see he hadn't
wiped his bottom.

Oh, God! Jeremy!

Who steers your eyes?
Why did you look there?

-Because...
-Look away! Look away!

It was a gigantic arse
with a brown...

-I don't want to see
a man's claggy bottom.
-I didn't either.

I especially didn't.
I'd spent all day

squirming around in the seats
of his pickup truck.

And I was wearing... I was
wearing beige trousers.

That's all right.

You could explain it
to people. It's not mine.
It's somebody else's.

Exactly. I've got
somebody else's skid marks
on my trousers.

It doesn't wash.

Now, as we know, a lot of...

particularly sporty cars
these days

have got exhaust systems
that sort of make a racket

when you put your foot down
or when you start them up.

I had an Audi RS3
the other day.

As you fired it up...

-We're only going
to the shops for some milk.
-Makes a big fuss.

Makes a huge
song and dance about it.

Actually, some Jags
do this, don't they?

-All the sporty ones do.
-Yeah, they do.

They make a tremendous racket
but you don't hear it
inside the Jag.

You can only hear it...
Basically, your neighbours
are annoyed by it but not you.

Yes, and this is exactly
what I'm on about.

Because Ford has announced
on the new Mustang,

it's got something called
"Good Neighbour Mode".

Ooh, does it come around
and water your plants
when you're on holiday?

-Tell you you forgot to
take the cat in?
-No.

-Bring your post in?
-No. It doesn't do
any of those things.

But you can program the car
to start quietly

between certain hours
of the day.

So between, say, 11pm and 8am
it starts quietly.

Ok? Because Ford's
head of noises--

The what?

No, he's American. It'll be
the Vice President of noises,
cos they always are.

He's come up with a list of
other annoying sounds.

Oh, where are you on it?
Come on, top, got to be.

Gotta be. Right at the top.
Number one.

That's actually
a good point.

What are the most annoying
noises in the world?

Oh, good conversation,
I like that.

-What are they?
-Aircraft.

-What?
-Cat fighting.

-Cat fighting.
-I like that.

Donald Trump.

-Foxes shagging.
-What?

What?

Whoa!

So, who was shagging?

-Foxes shagging.
-Foxes--

No, he's right.
That is annoying.

-Foxes make a lot of noise.
-Do you know why?

This is broadcast in America.

They don't know...
...what shagging
is.

We know what shagging is.

-Making love.
-Getting it on.

Making little foxes,
for our American viewers.

I have to be honest. Mine
is an old-fashioned one.

-Polystyrene.
Anyone share that one?
-Yeah.

Polystyrene doesn't make
a noise.

It does, it squeaks.

My children bought me
one of those record players,

to digitise vinyl.
You know the one I mean.

To transfer your records
into digital files.

I can't get it out of the box
cos it's covered
in polystyrene.

It's just sitting there.

-So your kids
bought you this?
-Yes.

-And you haven't
taken it out of the box.
-No.

You ungrateful bastard.

- Did you hear that?
It was like stereo.

I mean, that's your dad.

He wouldn't even
take it out of the box.

Your secret's out of the box
now, unlike your present
that they bought you.

That is the end
of Conversation Street.

We must now move on.

In fact, we must move back
to our film.

Tonight we are comparing
the superb

Lamborghini Aventador S,

the Honda NSX -
which is a hybrid
and has a wonky fuel gauge--

No, it doesn't.
It's not wonky.

...and the Rimac,
which is an all-electric
Croatian supercar.

It's our comparison
between the past,
the present, and the future.

Yeah, the only trouble
with this

is that we were staying
at a health farm,

which Hammond had chosen,

sticking to a schedule
that he'd dreamt up.

Our first outing
was to a museum

in the nearby city
of Lucerne.

But that morning,
Jeremy and I

had other things
on our minds.

I'm starving already.
I think it's cos I only
had air for breakfast.

I had
a piece of dry toast.

Stop bleating
and just enjoy the view.

Look around you.

Ah.

Brilliant.

Obviously something's
gone wrong here, hasn't it?

Where's he going?

W...

It's actually shut.

It's roadworks, I think.

We'll have to back up.

So they are prepared to let
you sit here at a red light
until you starve to death.

Why don't they just tell you
it's shut? A bit un-Swiss.

Right, there is
an escape road to the side.
It's the old route, I think.

If we back up until I can see
it, then we'll go down there.

Once we'd all backed up,

we turned onto
Hammond's back road.

Which was in a gorge.

Yep, this is... Oh, yeah.

Well done, Hammond,
you blithering idiot.

Well, Hammond,
I've got to say

I'm glad Honda spent
so much time and effort

working on
the dynamics of this car

so I could enjoy this
supercar extravaganza
you've brought me on.

You have excelled yourself
in ruining my day.

Oh, good.

You've brought us
to a builder's yard, Hammond.

There are lavatories
on the left

if anybody wishes
to use them.

Why?
Why did we allow him
to bring us to Switzerland?

Why did we allow him
to put himself in charge?

There we go.

Back on the main road.

Unless, that is, you're me...

in a Lamborghini.

Oh... Argh.

Ugh!

Hammond! Hammond!

Where are you?
I'm going to kill you!

This thing is
deeply impressive.

James, I've dialled up
my regenerative braking
with the throttle,

so that I lift off
the accelerator,

I don't even have to
touch the brake to stop.

Wow. Can't stand
his resolute chirpiness

in the face of obvious
disaster of his making.

I, meanwhile,
had extricated myself

from Hammond's gorge and was
now causing traffic chaos...

Sorry.

Shit.

...by having to do
a three-point turn.

Sorry.

Sorry. I do apologise.

Having not enjoyed
our supercars all morning,

we soon arrived in Lucerne,

with our irritating
tour guide leading the way.

Hey, chaps,
they're electric trams.

If I had a long enough
aerial, could I connect to
the wires and power this?

Why don't you just
reach out and hold onto them?

You would conduct the
electricity, wouldn't you?

Hammond then said
that the best way
of getting to the museum

was by driving right through
the medieval heart
of the city.

Wasn't there a ring road
we could've used?

Oh, ring roads are boring.
And further.

I'm really getting
the best out of this car here

in this town that Hammond's
bringing us through.

Hammond,
this is a cobbled street.

I'm in a supercar
on a cobbled street.

Well, it's a road.
It's a beautiful road

through this ancient
and wonderful city.

I didn't wanna look at an
ancient and wonderful city.

I'd do that on a bicycle,
you pillock.

Then,
things got worse.

Uh, chaps, it's right here.

- You sure?
- Oh, this does look a bit...

Yeah, we'll be all right.

Oh, I don't like this.

"Come to Switzerland
and drive the new NSX,"
said Hammond.

This Lamborghini's four
inches wider than that Honda

and five inches wider
than the lady shaver.

I am never ever ever going to
get round that corner.

And sure enough...

A tiny bit of left hand
and just creep forward
so I can see.

You can't creep.
It's a single clutch gearbox.

Instead of giving this model
40 more horsepower,

I'd have given it
a "one more clutch".

No, I'd agree.
Does that fold?

It doesn't matter.
Even if it does,

the back of the car
is wider than the front.

I'm going to have to find
another...

It physically won't fit
through there.

All right, well,
we're up there.
See you in a couple of weeks.

So, while James
went off to not enjoy
his NSX some more...

Have you got any idea
what you're doing
and where you're going?

It's down here,
this pretty little alley
here.

...I spent a couple of hours

on the verge of
a massive coronary.

Jesus H.

God, give me strength.

Hammond!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Meanwhile...

Or do you have a bread roll?
I'm starving.

-I need to eat. Eat.
-Ah.

I'm so hungry. Yes.

Danke. Danke, danke, danke.

Oh.

Mm-mm. What are these?

It's bloody Ryvita.

Eventually,
while I was attempting

yet another
impossible manoeuvre,

Hammond and May arrived.

Well...

Oh, no.

That's not good. Sorry.

And then after a short drive
through suburbia,

where none of us
got past 40,

we arrived at
our destination.

It was a transport museum.

And once Hammond
had plugged his lady shaver

into one of Switzerland's
fast charging points...

...we went inside
to look at the rather
underwhelming exhibits.

So let me just see
if I've got this straight.

You made me - well, us -

drive through a gorge
and the 12th century,

so we can look at
a Renault 16?

No, no, this is
so much more than that.

There's all the things
on the racks here, and
then there's pictures here.

You look for the picture
of the thing that you
wanna look at.

Then you touch it.

And now look
what happens.

It's presented to you!

I can only
apologise for this.

I know you want to see
which of our three cars
is the fastest,

which handles the best,
which is the most economical.

Oh, my God,
it's coming towards us.

Yeah.

What we're actually
looking at instead

is a vending machine.

With some old motorcycles on.

-Oh, look, come on.
-Oh, wow, it goes
round and round.

That is just the best.

Give me strength.

That night,
over dinner, the mood
was even darker.

And the following day,
it didn't improve

because Hammond made us
go on exactly the same route

as he had the day before.

We did this yesterday.

We did this as well
yesterday.

And after Hammond
had plugged his car into

the same charging point...

we went off
to look at that day's
underwhelming attraction.

The Museum of Chess.

Boom! I win!

He doesn't even know
how to play, does he?

And then the penny dropped.

-Hammond.
-What?

What are we doing tomorrow?

Going to a pencil museum.

Is the pencil museum in
the same town as this museum?

Yes.

Do you keep
bringing us to this town

because it's the only one
within 100 miles of
our wellness centre

where there is a fast
charging point for your car?

Yes.

So that night,
after another plate of weeds,

James and I sacked Hammond
as team leader

and came up with
our own schedule.

Right, we've found
an airfield,

and now we're gonna have
a drag race,

which is
a lot more interesting
than going to a museum.

I'd have thought
he'd like museums.

I mean, he's driving one.

Track, check, traction, yes.

I've put it in launch,

which sets the rear
two engines in the first
of their two gears.

The front two engines
only have one gear.

I do not know how that works.

Why doesn't the car stretch
or overtake itself?

The simple fact of
the matter is that

because this car has
no electrical gubbins,

it is, despite appearances,
the lightest car here.

And it has 730 horsepower.

So allow me, please,
to demonstrate

that you can't beat
old-time rock and roll.

Thrust mode!

Oh, my word!

God, look at Hammond!

190, 200, 220, 200...

I can't speak fast enough!

James and I
were now racing
only to see who'd be last.

Yes, come on, come on,
come on, come on!

Goodbye, Mr May.

Jes-us!

That Rimac just s off.

Ha-ha ha-ha!

If that is the future,
I am so ready!

Oh! Oh-ho!

I've never seen
anything like that.

I've never seen anything move
as quickly as that.

Not with number plates.

Annoyed that my
dinosaur had been humiliated,

I decided to show Hammond

that it still has
enough power

to kick-start a dying star.

Yes!

This is what Lamborghinis
are all about.

Oh, yeah.

Which went well.

-Oh, my word!
-Oh!

Sit rep. The entire tyre
has been consumed

-by the heart of the monster.
-It has.

Do you know, the thing was,

the tyre pressure
warning light came on.

-What could that have meant?
-Well, it meant that,
on this,

it was specifically
telling me there was
a problem with this tyre.

-So I ignored it.
-Yes.

-Good job you're not
an airline pilot.
-Yes.

However,
we'll get it fixed...

...and then... Actually,
we ought to find a track.

And then I'll be able
to thrash you.

-Oh, mate, no.
-No?

You won't find a track
in Switzerland, will you,
cos motor racing is banned.

-What do you mean banned?
-Oh, it is.

1955 there was an accident
in France, at Le Mans.

The Swiss banned motorsport.
It's still banned today.

We can think of
something else. Something
that requires four tyres.

Oh, God, I tell you what,
though, it does mean
another night in his hotel.

You're gonna drive there
on a space saver.

No, I know something
we can do.

What?

There's plenty to occupy us
at the hotel.

-Come on.
-Well, not supper.

I may take a while
because I'll be going
on a bicycle wheel.

I still can't believe...

I still can't believe
that Switzerland

banned motor racing
because of an accident
in another country.

Yeah, it's like Britain
banning railways

because a train crashed
in India.

Yeah, exactly. Or it's like
America invading Iraq

because some
Saudi Arabians destroyed
the World Trade Center.

-Whoa.
-Did I say that out loud?

That came out.
That came out as sound.

Well, never mind,
we can edit it out.

Look, um, we'll pick
that film up later on,

but in the meantime
you may remember that
in the last series

we had a feature
called Celebrity Brain Crash.

Yes, but we're not
doing that any more

because too many people died.

Yeah, and also because
you all hated it.

Yeah, that's the main reason.

Everybody wrote to us
and said, "That's rubbish.
Stop doing it."

Anyway, it doesn't matter,

because we've come up with
another idea,

a brand-new idea
and it is brilliant.

You see, the main
reason why we like
having the tent here--

Is that you can walk home
every week.

Yes, it's just that right
down the road,

and I mean less than
a mile away,
there is an actual track.

Yes, there is, and we've got
a picture of it here.
Have a look.

It's rather fabulous because
as you can see, it's really
quite narrow, all of it,

and then bits of it aren't
finished - this stretch.

Yeah, that bit
is entirely gravel.

Yes, it is,
but it doesn't matter
because it is a circuit.

And then somebody said to us,
"Well, why don't you
get a celebrity

to drive round it every week
to see which is the fastest."

-We said no,
because that would be boring.
-Yeah.

So we have come up with
an entirely new idea.

You see, everybody's always
wanting to know

who is the fastest
weathergirl
in the world,

or who is
the world's fastest
transgender architect.

Exactly.

Let me explain
what we're gonna do.

Each week, two celebrities
from the same field

will go head to head,
on our track,
in a Jaguar F Type.

OK? It's a feature we're
calling Celebrity Face Off.

Or, for short,
Celebrity F Off--
No, that doesn't work.

Tonight we are asking
the question that everybody
wants answering.

Who is the fastest
former talent show judge?

And it's an
international competition,

between America's Got Talent
and The Voice UK.

Please welcome Ricky Wilson
and David Hasselhoff!

Thank you, man. Welcome.

-Big man's still got it.
-Welcome.

-Thank you.
-Equally, big guy.

-Have a seat.
-Whoo!

Ah.

There you go. All right.

-Hello.
-Hello and welcome.

-Thank you.
-They've made it alive.

No unconvincing deaths.

And, of course,
you're not just

former talent show judges.

You both have, obviously,
singing careers.

Albeit with
rather different approaches.

Um...

Let's have a look at
a photograph of the Hoff.

There you go, you see.

That says it all.

The mullet, the dry ice,
the Lamborghini.

-We think that's
the American way.
-Mm-hm.

Now let's have a look at
the Yorkshire way.

There he is.

The windswept...

We are making it Yorkshire
versus the United States
of America tonight.

-That's what we decided to do.
-York-shire.

-Have you been to Yorkshire?
-I've... I've... I've had
York-shire pudding.

Actually, we filmed an
episode of Hoff The Record,

which is a series,
in Yorkshire,

and we had a blast.

The people were
extremely nice.

- I couldn't understand
a word they said.

No, it's a special language,
but we're both
from Yorkshire.

Yorkshire will be watching.
Yorkshire versus America.
Well, we've won that.

Oh, don't pile on
the pressure.

Can I just ask, what did you
think of our track?

It's incredible. I mean...

Hopefully, you know,
when you film people...

like I've filmed friends
going round tracks

and they go,
"Oh, film me, film me!"

You don't wanna watch it back
cos they come round
the corner like brrrrrrrr.

But we were going sideways
at points on this.

-What about the car? The Jag.
-Loved it.

I loved it, Jaguar.

There's a man
who understands sponsorship.

Yeah, exactly.

I would have thought
your biggest problem

was getting in it,
cos I really struggle.

-I couldn't get in the car,
Jeremy.
-Could you not?

No, I had a hard time
getting into KITT,
but you know, this was...

Actually,
we've got some footage.

Anyone wanna see footage
of the Hoff trying to get
into our Jag?

Yeah!
- Let's have
a quick look at that.

There it is.
Look. Resplendent.

And it's got
a roll cage in it.

-And this is the bit--
-Oh, my God.

The bit I like here is -
I've had to do this as well -

is when you have to lift your
own leg.

Argh! Argh!

I found it perfectly my size,
Jaguar Land Rover.

-And even like the colour.
-Yeah, yeah.

Your biggest problem,
though, as I understand it,
with cars,

is being run over by them.

Oh, yeah, cos I actually
got run over, then tried
to chase after the car.

-You never caught the guy?
-They never caught the guy.

How come they can
catch me doing 35 in a 30,
but they can't catch...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a very good point.

Um, in fact, when er...

In fact, when the police
questioned me about it,

"So, what was the car like?"
and I said it was a Metro
and it had a sunroof.

They said, "How do you know
it had a sunroof?" "Cos
I went over the sunroof."

Good observation while
you're being run over.

"And it's a Tudor Webasto
sunroof."

I'm actually surprised,
though,

you did survive
your motoring youth, Hoff.

Yeah, my first car was um...

when I was just turning 16,

was a Corvair,
which is a real small car.

Well, not by
European standards.

-We call it an enormous car.
-Yeah.

The engine was in the back
and it was described as
"unsafe at any speed".

I just realise that now.

Your first car
was a Fiat Panda.

-Yeah, if you want
an example of a small...
-Oh, my God.

-If you want an example
of a small car...
a Fiat Panda is what you...

It'd be like you trying to
get into a cupboard
under the stairs.

-It was called a what?
-A Panda.

-A Panda?
-Yeah.

They're very rare now,
like Pandas.

-Didn't you have people
steal the windscreen?
-Yeah.

They have a peculiar thing,
the Panda.

-It has a very flat--
-Completely flat.

Completely flat, and you
used to be able to pop
it out, from the outside.

So, many times
I'd get into it

and be driving down the road
and go, "Something's wrong."

Like that.

You wouldn't even get that
fast, so you'd never know.

Yeah.

It was only when you turned
the squirters on that it...

-And that happened a lot?
-Well, it happened a few times.

And then I kept buying them
out of this Italian guy

that had a garage
round the corner.

I think he was nicking 'em.

"That's my tax disc."

Now we've gotta
get onto KITT.

We all remember Knight Rider
and the Trans Am.

Thing is, I was looking the
other day, cos it's a while...

-When was it actually on?
-It was on from '82 to '86.

OK, '82 to '86. Now, it had,
in your car, you had cru...

These were all
futuristic things.

Cruise control, pollen
filters in the air con,

vocal commands,
automatic opening doors.

You get all that stuff
on a Ford Fiesta now.

- It's actually standard
on a Ford Fiesta.

It still really did
capture the imagination.

There was a Yorkshireman
who did an homage to KITT.

-Oh, no.
-Yeah.

-Got a picture of it here.
-It wasn't me.

No, look.

-A, it's a Renault.
-It's not that bad.
It's not bad.

-Formula One drivers have a--
-Exactly.

-A stick like that.
-I see nothing wrong with that.

But no, because...

You've come up with
your rules of the road,
which I quite like.

You've got one here.
Old people over a certain age

should be legally required to
place a hat
on the parcel shelf.

Now, old people... Not so
much old people in general.

I was gonna say be careful,
because if you say 65...

-Yeah, that's me.
-No, I'm just saying...

On certain journeys,
I'd like to put a hat
on the parcel shelf,

just to indicate
that I'm not racing you.

What I really like
is this business of um...

male and female cyclists
should indicate
on their Lycra bottoms

-what sex they are.
-Yeah, definitely. Yeah.

Well, I know...

I know where you're going
with that.

We've all been...
"Ooh, I say!
Oh, no, he's got a beard."

Now, I wanna get
on to your laps.

-Oh.
-And I wanna start off,
if I may,

-with you, your Hoffmeister.
-Oi.

Are you a fast driver?

You know, I um...
I'm basically an actor.

You know, I'm not
really a good driver

but I just look good
doing it.

Because we have some
footage of you attempting...

I think it was your first one
and making a bit of a mess-up
of what is the last corner...

-Right.
-And then really making
a mess-up of the finish.

Let's have a look at this.

Here he comes now, into the
last corner, goes in deep,

which is crazy,
loses it on the grass

and then there's
the finish line - and stops.

-We've never seen
that before.
-No...

They told me
the first lap didn't count.

-Yes.
-And that's why I didn't
hit the finish line.

-We can edit out that excuse.
-Ah, come on!

I love the idea of a Formula
One driver going...

Well, that's it, and that's
as far as I'm going.

-Am I? Yes.
-Anyway.

Let's have a look at
the Hoff's lap.

And we are off
on our brand-new track
in our brand-new car.

Remember,
Knight Rider drove himself.

Clipping the corner
but keeping two wheels
on the track, nice to see.

And then you go left
and onto the gravel.

This is what we call
the difficult bit.

It is actually quite tricky

as you flick it right there
and then flick it left.

Now we're into - not the
Carousel - the Gravelsel.

It's like a banked
gravel corner.

Never been seen
anywhere before.

Into the difficult bit two.

You're managing
to keep it mostly tidy,
which is quite good.

I'm looking forward to seeing
Judi Dench go down here
one day - sideways.

Ooh, deep again!

Nearly stopped, but now
picking up the speed.

And onto the main straight.

This is one helluva track,
this.

Hit it! Yeah!

That was the sound
of a man crapping himself.

And I don't think
you did actually lift,
which is brave.

Now braking.

Are we gonna get
the last corner right?

Yes. All neatly done
and there we are.

Ladies and gentlemen,
across the line!

Well...

That looked like
you were in control.

-No, I... No.
-No, that was tidy.

The slower you look,
very often the faster
you're going.

-Yeah.
-I mean, that is a true fact.

Yeah, if you go smooth
and keep the car on balance,
but it's hard to do.

It is. I went out and had
a play on that this morning,

and just had... the tail out
the entire way round.

It's taken me 15 minutes to
get round here but I had fun
in the process. Anyway.

-Can I use that as my excuse?
-No.

We're gonna see your lap now.
OK, are we ready?

Let's bring it up. Here
he is, Ricky Wilson's lap.

Little bit further back
than you were.

Nice excuse
and we haven't even started.

Not even looking. No hands.
No hands. No hands.

- Ooh, it's deep, deep, deep.
- Getting it all together.

But it's not bad
slowing down there

cos you can
now keep the power on there,

keep the power on here,
and onto the difficult bit.

No, that's good. Gonna flick
the tail out a bit?

Yeah, that's nice.
Flick it the other way.

I found that
made you go quicker,
flicking the tail out.

Whoo-hoo! Take that!

This is good, round the
Gravelsel. Get that tail out.

There it is.
We're gonna find out later

whether that's faster
or slower than
the Hoff's approach.

Cutting the corner.
That's not going to be grass
for very much longer.

That's very good.
Very good indeed.

Also, when you come back
to the Tarmac here,

it's very, very slippery,
that bit.

For reasons
I don't understand.

Kicking dust off the tail.
Looks good, that car.

And now,
onto the straight.

Give it some. Come on, Jag.

- Did you lift here?
- Yes.

-I don't think you did.
-Ah, well, maybe not.

-I don't think you did there.
-I was having too much
of a good time.

Ooh, kick the tail out at the
last corner and there we are,
across the line.

- It looked all right.
It looked all right.

-I'm a little nervous now.
-It looked all right.

-Are you proud?
-Yeah, I am quite proud.

-Proud of that.
-Yeah.

Oh.

Have I remembered to bring
the times out with me?

-Oh, gosh.
-Yes, I have.

I think it's you.

I think it's you, cos you
looked more in control.

I was all over the shop.

Yeah, but no...
you were smooth.

- And I stopped
at the first corner.

You did virtually stop,
that is true. You did
actually come to a halt.

Mind you, you stopped
just before the finish line.

Yeah, yeah.

David Hasselhoff,
you did it...

representing the United
States of America.

Oh, God.

One minute...

24, point one.

We have no idea
whether that's fastest.

-Yeah. It could be anything.
-Literally no idea.

That could be
the fastest time

we're ever, ever
going to see round here.

-Right.
-Or it could be the slowest.

We have no idea.

-Ricky Wilson.
-Yeah, yeah.

One minute...

- ...20...
- Ooh.

...point one.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Ohh!

-I... Oh.
-Well, there we are.

Well.

So, there we are.
How do you feel about that?

I've spent years practising.

I told you I was an actor.

David Hasselhoff...
and, as it turns out,

the fastest former
talent judge in the world,
Ricky Wilson!

Thank you, gentlemen.

Right, let's get back
to Switzerland.

When we left the action,
Jeremy had torn the tyre

clean off his Lamborghini,

and we thought
that would be it, as far as
accidents are concerned.

Mm-hm, we figured that
because we are all

experienced,
professional drivers,

nothing else
could possibly go wrong.

Exactly.

So we pick up the story
at our wellness clinic,

where we were
trying to work out

how to get the best
out of three supercars

in a country where
motor racing is banned.

This was not easy,

given the activity that
Hammond had planned
for us that night.

Arghh! Jesus!

Well, we could
always go to a museum.

We need to go to
a race track, Hammond.

Well, look, actually,
as we're in Switzerland...
Clarkson?

-What?
-Can you do... Argh!

Can you do hill climbs in
Switzerland under their laws?

I don't know.
I've got a tube up my arse.

Well, seriously,
you've been here before.

You're supposedly
the motorsport expert,
you always say.

I don't know.
I've got a tube up my arse.

Yeah, but the thing
that they banned was...

because in the famous
Le Mans crash,

cars crashed into each other.

That can't happen in a hill
climb, so would they allow
stuff against the clock?

I don't know because I've
got a tube up my arse.

Come on, think, Clarkson.

I think you can do
hill climbing in Switzerland,

but I don't know for sure
because I've got a tube
up my arse.

Right. OK, that's a start.

Let's see if
we can find out... Argh!

After a bit
of digging around,

James discovered there was
a Swiss hill climb event
on that weekend...

and it was only 200 miles
from our hotel.

Which was fine...
for some of us.

At this speed, six of my 12
cylinders are shut down.

They're not using
any fuel at all,

so I could probably do
400 miles on the fuel I have.

Just check on James.

Er, James, are you able
to make the hill climb event
200 miles away?

Well, let me just have a
look. Er, yes, I am.

Well, how do you
know with that fuel gauge?

Bec...
Oh, I can't be bothered.

It's not straight, is it?
Admit it.

Happy piling
the motorway miles on your
precious cars, are we? Good.

Why is there somebody talking
to us from a van, James?

It's a lorry!

Hey, Hammond, I don't know
where you are, but there's

a really remarkable-looking
futuristic car
on the back of a truck.

Must just be a mock-up,
I suppose, otherwise it
would be being driven.

Yeah, you pile
the miles on. Enjoy yourself!

I don't see
what's wrong with this.

People don't ride
their race horses to
the Grand National, do they?

They put them on a lorry.
Every weekend,

people all over the world,
load their best toys
onto a truck,

take them somewhere
and enjoy them.

Horses, supercars, race cars,

rally cars,
race bikes, dirt bikes.

All of them.
It's what you do.

Prepare to deploy smug face
at Richard Hammond.

After leaving
the van driver far behind,

James and I arrived at
what's almost certainly

the most beautiful hill climb
event in the world.

And the cars
weren't bad either.

We were keen
to get cracking,

but, first, we had some
important business
to attend to.

Oh, brown food.

Brown drink.

-Calories.
-Mm-mm.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Mm.

I'm actually shaking,
I'm so excited.

Mm. Mm.

-What?
-Look who's here.

Oh, yeah,
it's the van driver.

Ah.

He won't have the energy
to drive up the hill.

-What?
-He won't have the energy
to drive up the hill.

Here I am, car rested,
ready and fully charged.

Breakfast. Actual food.

Brown food.

Yeah. Well, professional
racers do carb load,
don't they, before races.

-So, you're sort of...
-Like all athletes carb load.
-They don't lettuce load.

As I walked over, I saw you
two and thought, "Athletes."

Shut up, Hammond.

With breakfast
demolished, it was time
to go hill climbing.

But before we did
our timed runs,

we had to learn
the course.

Corsa. Track mode.

Traction control... off.

No, traction control on.

Practising, Jeremy,
practising.

Don't showboat.
Must beat Hammond.

It's a 1.09 mile course.

It has 11 corners.

And the most important factor
in all of this

is my ability to concentrate
and remember how it goes.

Everything good.

Creep mode off,
suspension low.

Race mode. We're good.

Ok, that's a good start.

It's a bit wobbly going up
here, but... Oh, lordy lord!

Jesus Christ,
it's tight and narrow.

No idea what I'm doing.

No, that's not as tight
as I thought.
That was a mistake.

Unleash 1200 horsepower,
bit of brakes.

It's no problem.

No looking at the drops.
Drops are irrelevant.

Balancing it
through there nicely.

This is starting
to come together now.

This is the long
right-hander, I think.

No, this is
the long right-hander.

It's bloody complicated.

Getting on it, getting on it,
getting on it.

This could go so wrong.

With the practice
session complete,

it was time to go
against the clock.

And for me,
this was a problem.

Because the rules said
that in timed runs,

I had to wear a helmet.

No.

No.

Right, well, I can
either drive like this,

with a helmet on, or...

What the hell
are we gonna do?

It was time
to break out my genius.

Lamborghini's got one of
their test drivers here.

He's about this big.

-What's your name?
-Giacomo.

-Giacomo.
-Giacomo is the Italian name.

-Yiacomo.
-Giacomo.

-Jack-mo.
-Giacomo.

Whatever. Don't worry.
You look exactly like me.

I'll tilt that camera down,
it'll make you look taller.

Be fine with a crash helmet
on. Curly hair, same as me.

-But you've gotta
sound like me.
-All right.

So..."Hammond, you idiot!"
Say that.

-Hammond, you idiot!
-Hammond, you idiot.

-You idiot.
-You idiot.

Exactly, because he
always is an idiot.

So you can always
drop that in.
It's a useful phrase.

The other one is, this is
the fastest car, pause...
in the world.

-This is fastest car...
pause...in the world.
-Say it.

This is the fastest car...
pause, in the world.

With all that sorted out,

James took his place
on the start line.

This is the big one.

...James May!

Now is the tight
right-hander,
so a dab of brakes.

I'm sorry I didn't
say anything. That was
my concentrating face.

That's the most I've
concentrated for five years.

Then it was my turn.

...Jeremy Clarkson!

Hammond, you hidiot.

This is the fastest car...
pause... in the world.

With an astonishing
time on the scoresheet,

Hammond had it all to do.

And we decided to give him
some encouragement.

-Hammond.
-Yeah.

Really, really, really big
crowds here today,
as you can see.

-Yeah.
-Because they know...

you're gonna break
the record here.

54 seconds.

Come on, you've got 1200
horsepower, you've been
practising all morning.

Actually, it is
the most powerful car
here by some margin.

Well, I can't promise to--

Well, it's the fastest car
we've ever seen!

Look at it this way,
the whole of Croatia

is watching this knowing that
you're gonna do it for them.

In 52 seconds' time,
you're going to be

whatever the equivalent of a
hero of the Soviet Union is,
but in modern-day Croatia.

-Not just Croatia.
-It goes spreading out.

It's the whole
Eastern European region.

Yeah.

You have got a lot
riding on your shoulders,
Richard Hammond.

-You...
-A lot.

-You will be on a coin.
-Thank you, guys.

-He'll be on a coin.
-Or a stamp.

Oh, I'm quite nervous.
I'm suddenly nervous.

...Ricardo Hammondo!

OK, here we go.
Give it your best shot, Rich.

Yeah. Watch this.

Crash!

Right, I have the times here.
Are you ready?

- Representing
the present day...

...the Honda NSX did it in...

1:20.4.

OK.

Representing the past,
the Lamborghini Aventador

did it in 1 minute 10.4.

Ooh!

And this is the big one.
Representing the future...

...the Rimac did it in

one minute...14.7.

Yes! I am the winner!

-Oh, I am victorious.
-No, wait! Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

-The past and me.
-You weren't even driving
the bloody car.

Well, you were driving
your car and you crashed it.

Yes, but I crashed
after the finishing line,
like a professional.

Hammond,
when was the last time

you went home after work
not in an air ambulance?

Now--

When was the last time
you took your own clothes
off at night,

rather than have a paramedic
cut them off in a field?

-Now, hang on a minute.
-You crashed
after the finishing line,

so our cameras weren't there.

We had to get that clip
from YouTube.

-That is not professional.
That is selfish. It is.
-Look...

I just don't know
how it happened.

We do. We know
exactly how it happened.

History has taught us
you can't drive
in a straight line.

And now we've seen you can't
drive round a corner either.

Do you know what's
a really remarkable thing
about that crash?

-What?
-That car continued
to catch fire

five days after it happened.

-Fi... What? Bursting into--
-Yeah. Spontaneously
bursting into flames.

The reason is the accident
damaged one of the cells
in the lithium ion battery.

That caused a short circuit,
it catches fire,

but then that damages
the next cell,

so that one catches fire,
and so it goes on.

There are 8,000 cells
in that thing.

It's like a chain reaction.
What do they call it?

Yeah, chain reaction.
It's called thermal runaways.

Bang, bang, bang, bang,
and so it goes on.

I was all right.

Thank you.

It's relevant. I'm OK.

We don't care,
and anyway it's time
to end the programme

with a conclusion to our very
thorough test, and it's this.

The future is very fast...

and extremely quiet...
but a bit burney.

And on that terrible
disappointment,
it's time to end.

Thank you so much
for watching. Goodbye.