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Previously on Making History...
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Hey, so you know how we wanted
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to take our Chicago money
and buy
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00:00:04,667 --> 00:00:07,232
that ice cream parlor for Deb?
- Hi!
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00:00:07,233 --> 00:00:10,199
Who wants ice cream?
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00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:11,599
My future at this college
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00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:13,500
depends on me
getting something from them.
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00:00:14,867 --> 00:00:16,232
You just ruined my apartment!
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00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:17,734
Tenure is off the table for you.
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00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:22,566
I drank John Hancock's urine!
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Dan, you're fired
from ice cream.
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00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,033
What?
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00:00:30,510 --> 00:00:33,576
All right, so you are my first
official customers.
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I look forward to any opinions
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or suggestions.
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00:00:38,277 --> 00:00:40,676
Deborah, my honest feedback:
this friggin' rules.
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Don't change a thing.
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Every tooth is in extreme pain,
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and my gout toe is
throbbing with bliss.
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00:00:47,111 --> 00:00:48,843
Hey, where is Daniel?
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00:00:48,844 --> 00:00:52,876
Oh, he hates good-byes,
so he's crying in the freezer.
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That sounds like something
I'd like to see.
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Nope. You're done.
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You ruined every part
of my life,
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00:00:58,410 --> 00:00:59,743
so we're going back to 1775.
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00:00:59,744 --> 00:01:02,243
Mmm, mmm. Yum, yum.
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00:01:02,244 --> 00:01:04,676
A perfect end
to a perfect visit.
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Get in the bag.
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00:01:06,844 --> 00:01:09,677
2017 blows! Adams out!
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Here you go.
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This is definitely not just
tap water in a plastic jug.
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Who is this sturdy angel
who walks among us?
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Oh, that's Melanie.
She's my friend
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and a water delivery specialist.
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Well, thanks for
the water, Melanie.
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Bye. We were just leaving.
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Your hands are strong
and calloused.
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Let us be lovers.
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Or whisper, "Amour,"
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and I shall be yours
for eternity.
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Adams back in!
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We're staying. No!
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Yes!
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00:01:43,378 --> 00:01:45,177
Melanie?
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♪ Your head is like a melon ♪
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♪ Your body like a pear ♪
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♪ Your ears are
like two turnips ♪
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♪ I want to eat your hair. ♪
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My favorite Colonial love song.
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Melanie! Watch!
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I performed a feat of tumbling!
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Did you look?
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Were you looking? - Hey,
you guys are still here.
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Great somersault.
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Are these guys in a
play or something?
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Sure, that works.
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Well, you got some
weirdo friends, Deb.
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Oh, I got to go.
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My ex-stepdaughter's
stuck in a bumper car.
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00:02:26,344 --> 00:02:29,344
But, Melanie, if you
leave, I'll die!
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00:02:30,877 --> 00:02:32,409
How am I not dead?
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I must possess her!
I must, I must!
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Okay, enough.
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This isn't Colonial times.
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Melanie gets to decide
if she wants to be courted.
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00:02:46,844 --> 00:02:48,043
Okay, Deb.
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Yeah, good one, Deb.
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Hey, she's serious.
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And Melanie's not
being courted at all
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because you two are going home.
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00:02:54,178 --> 00:02:56,743
No! I request that you
yield from this woman.
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00:02:56,744 --> 00:03:00,743
And I request that you
drown yourself in a bog.
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That's a low blow.
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Preying on my
crippling fear of bogs!
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Guys!
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It's pronounced "blog."
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Don't worry, Daniel,
he won't do anything about it.
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00:03:11,844 --> 00:03:14,611
He... is a poltroon.
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The "P" word.
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The most vile epithet
you can call a man.
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What's a poltroon?
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A coward.
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How dare you utter
"poltroon" at me!
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I challenge you to... a duel!
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Okay, okay, guys...
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Shh! This is actually
interesting to me,
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let it play out.
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A duel?
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Pistols in an open field.
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I accept.
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00:03:41,510 --> 00:03:44,776
I can't wait to wear
a necklace of your teeth.
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I will defile your cadaver
with my "yoo-rine."
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I will mount your head on a pike
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and use it as a hat rack.
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Ugly hats only.
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00:03:54,178 --> 00:03:56,910
I shall bury you
in a shallow grave,
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which will allow me
to dig you up often
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and taunt your corpse!
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00:04:01,111 --> 00:04:05,077
I can't wait to introduce
my bullet to your brains.
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I will dance a full jig
on your deceased chest!
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Bullet brain. Chest dance!
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00:04:10,178 --> 00:04:13,344
Yes! A real Colonial duel.
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00:04:23,711 --> 00:04:25,010
Hey.
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You don't want to use
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the machine we have for laundry?
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00:04:28,011 --> 00:04:30,177
Oh, this gets the clothes
much more crispy.
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00:04:30,178 --> 00:04:33,210
Hmm. Crazy about all this
duel stuff, huh?
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00:04:33,211 --> 00:04:34,178
Meh.
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Anyway, I have some great news.
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I know you fired me,
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but what is the most important
aspect of any business?
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The door.
- What?
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00:04:42,510 --> 00:04:45,243
Without it,
people couldn't get inside.
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00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:47,343
Right, yeah, no,
act... okay, yeah.
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So what is the second
most important aspect
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of any business? I'll tell you.
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Publicity. Are you familiar
with that concept?
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I think so.
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Once, the grocer overcharged
for barley,
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00:04:57,777 --> 00:05:00,276
and so the villagers
burned him alive.
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00:05:00,277 --> 00:05:01,876
Yes, that would be
bad publicity.
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00:05:01,877 --> 00:05:03,210
But I managed to get
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00:05:03,211 --> 00:05:05,010
our ice cream parlor
some good publicity.
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A story in the local newspaper,
the Bedford Examiner.
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00:05:08,444 --> 00:05:10,343
I thought the newspapers
were for serious discourse
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on contemporary issues.
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00:05:11,877 --> 00:05:14,343
No way. Newspapers
are for people
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00:05:14,344 --> 00:05:17,577
who don't have cell phones,
to read while they poop.
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00:05:19,744 --> 00:05:22,243
Okay, who's ready
to test some weapons
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00:05:22,244 --> 00:05:23,943
and kill each other for love?
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00:05:23,944 --> 00:05:26,343
And we can choose
whatever we want?
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Sure. Yep.
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Hell yeah.
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What are you doing?
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If one of these guys
get hurt, that, like,
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affects history stuff, right?
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00:05:35,011 --> 00:05:36,676
Duels are mostly just posturing.
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00:05:36,677 --> 00:05:38,376
And besides, we're
their "seconds."
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00:05:38,377 --> 00:05:41,077
We can negotiate a deal
between them at any time.
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00:05:41,078 --> 00:05:43,043
Yeah. Adams asked me
to be his second,
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00:05:43,044 --> 00:05:44,576
but I had already
promised Hancock.
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00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:47,743
What? Adams told me I was
his first second choice.
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00:05:47,744 --> 00:05:50,376
Maybe he meant you were
his first second choice.
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00:05:50,377 --> 00:05:52,876
Anyway, the best professors
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are always experts
in one narrow field.
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00:05:55,344 --> 00:05:58,010
Uh-huh. Like Dr. Cobell,
his field of expertise
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00:05:58,011 --> 00:05:59,710
is Native American yarn.
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That is extremely narrow.
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00:06:01,178 --> 00:06:03,043
If I witness this duel,
I'll have knowledge
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00:06:03,044 --> 00:06:04,576
about history that
no one else has.
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They'll have to
give me my job back.
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Guys!
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These. I want this.
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00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:20,876
Take that, ye wastrel!
Torn to bits by flaming lead!
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00:06:20,877 --> 00:06:22,210
That be your fate!
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00:06:22,211 --> 00:06:25,110
I've got you point
blank, you mangy cur!
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You'll die in the gutter
like a flyblown hog.
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Do you still think
this was a good idea?
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00:06:32,277 --> 00:06:35,211
Yes. This is living history.
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We're getting a chance to see
what the actual Founding Fathers
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00:06:39,111 --> 00:06:40,743
think about
our current gun laws.
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Not getting a word.
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Gentlemen?
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00:06:46,277 --> 00:06:47,843
Are these really
the kinds of firearms
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00:06:47,844 --> 00:06:49,177
you were thinking of
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00:06:49,178 --> 00:06:50,676
when you drafted
the Second Amendment?
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00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:53,376
This is exactly
what we had in mind!
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00:06:57,244 --> 00:06:59,078
Hey, Hancock, that's your head!
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00:07:00,603 --> 00:07:02,202
Deb, I'm sorry I spilled
the chocolate sprinkles
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00:07:02,203 --> 00:07:03,502
into the rainbow sprinkles.
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00:07:03,503 --> 00:07:05,436
I-I'll just pick 'em out
with my hands.
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00:07:07,569 --> 00:07:10,668
Hi, uh, I'm Mona
from the Bedford Examiner.
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00:07:10,669 --> 00:07:13,435
Oh, yes, uh, please sit.
I'm Dan, um,
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this is my girlfriend, Deb.
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00:07:15,003 --> 00:07:17,668
Can I just say, the
article that you did
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about the mouse that destroyed
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the gazebo, that was just...
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00:07:21,036 --> 00:07:22,702
riveting journalism.
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00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:25,336
Thank you. That mouse
was a real dick.
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00:07:25,337 --> 00:07:27,369
I thought you might like to try
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00:07:27,370 --> 00:07:28,869
our ice cream
during the interview.
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00:07:28,870 --> 00:07:30,370
I think you'll find it adequate.
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00:07:33,103 --> 00:07:36,502
Mmm. Why so modest?
This is great ice cream.
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00:07:36,503 --> 00:07:38,568
Being prideful won't
attract customers.
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00:07:38,569 --> 00:07:39,668
But I'm free to say that
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00:07:39,669 --> 00:07:41,535
that is the best damn
ice cream in New England,
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00:07:41,536 --> 00:07:43,202
and you can quote me on that.
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00:07:43,203 --> 00:07:44,436
Go ahead.
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00:07:45,503 --> 00:07:46,503
Write it down.
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00:07:46,504 --> 00:07:47,602
I'll remember it.
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00:07:47,603 --> 00:07:49,502
So, you two
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bought this place together,
and then,
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on the first day, she fired you?
194
00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:54,402
Daniel, you mentioned that?
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00:07:54,403 --> 00:07:56,769
Well, I was drunk
when I called her, so...
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00:07:56,770 --> 00:07:58,769
No, it's a great hook
to the story, believe me.
197
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:01,435
So, how did you guys meet?
198
00:08:01,436 --> 00:08:03,836
How did we meet?
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00:08:05,203 --> 00:08:07,236
Uh... He introduced
himself to me.
200
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,735
I was traveling.
201
00:08:08,736 --> 00:08:10,602
And, uh, it was
a long time ago, but
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00:08:10,603 --> 00:08:13,735
it felt like I've known her
for 242 years.
203
00:08:13,736 --> 00:08:17,336
And yet, some people would say
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00:08:17,337 --> 00:08:19,069
it feels just like yesterday.
205
00:08:19,070 --> 00:08:21,369
- Time is weird.
- Isn't time weird?
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00:08:21,370 --> 00:08:22,668
Time is so weird. 'Cause, like,
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00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,002
even things that happened
a long time ago,
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00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:26,702
sometimes they feel like
they just happened.
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00:08:26,703 --> 00:08:28,502
Do you guys feel like
you're answering my question?
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00:08:28,503 --> 00:08:30,935
Because I feel like
you're being weird and vague.
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00:08:30,936 --> 00:08:32,435
I see that.
212
00:08:32,436 --> 00:08:34,102
I get how you could
feel that way.
213
00:08:34,103 --> 00:08:35,369
So how did you meet?
214
00:08:35,370 --> 00:08:38,069
We met in grade school.
215
00:08:38,070 --> 00:08:41,002
You just said that you met
while you were traveling.
216
00:08:41,003 --> 00:08:42,436
We met on a field trip.
217
00:08:43,669 --> 00:08:44,935
It was just the best field.
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00:08:44,936 --> 00:08:46,435
Sweeping and fertile.
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00:08:46,436 --> 00:08:47,502
Mm-hmm.
220
00:08:47,503 --> 00:08:49,169
So what school was it?
221
00:08:49,170 --> 00:08:52,035
What am I, a maniac?
222
00:08:52,036 --> 00:08:54,102
What kind of person remembers
223
00:08:54,103 --> 00:08:55,402
what grade school they went to?
224
00:08:55,403 --> 00:08:56,835
Every single person.
225
00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:59,835
I remember it,
it was Monroe Grade School.
226
00:08:59,836 --> 00:09:01,102
Okay.
227
00:09:01,103 --> 00:09:03,869
Uh, anything else
you'd like to add?
228
00:09:03,870 --> 00:09:06,069
Quakers are most welcome here,
229
00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:07,769
no matter how quiet they are.
230
00:09:07,770 --> 00:09:08,869
Mm-hmm.
231
00:09:08,870 --> 00:09:11,769
Deborah, this might
be a little forward,
232
00:09:11,770 --> 00:09:14,170
but, um,
if you ever need "help,"
233
00:09:15,403 --> 00:09:16,337
here's my card.
234
00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:18,035
Oh,
235
00:09:18,036 --> 00:09:20,902
a little piece of paper
with your name and...
236
00:09:20,903 --> 00:09:23,402
some random numbers on it.
237
00:09:23,403 --> 00:09:25,002
I'll treasure it always.
238
00:09:25,003 --> 00:09:26,668
Okay.
239
00:09:26,669 --> 00:09:27,736
Bye!
240
00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:32,035
Adams cracked last night,
told me he's totally scared.
241
00:09:32,036 --> 00:09:34,202
This negotiation should be easy.
242
00:09:34,203 --> 00:09:36,202
Tha's dope, tha's dope.
243
00:09:36,203 --> 00:09:37,402
But they're both so prideful,
244
00:09:37,403 --> 00:09:39,069
so we have to really sell it.
245
00:09:39,070 --> 00:09:41,069
Tha's dope. Dan?
246
00:09:41,070 --> 00:09:43,702
Why are you pretending
to read the newspaper?
247
00:09:43,703 --> 00:09:45,336
Oh, no reason.
248
00:09:45,337 --> 00:09:49,336
Just because Deb and I are
going to be in the newspaper.
249
00:09:49,337 --> 00:09:50,869
Okay, I can't believe
I'm asking this,
250
00:09:50,870 --> 00:09:52,736
but why are you gonna
be in the newspaper?
251
00:09:53,770 --> 00:09:55,935
Geez, Chris, so many questions.
252
00:09:55,936 --> 00:09:58,702
It's like I'm being interviewed
for the newspaper again.
253
00:09:58,703 --> 00:10:01,202
They're doing a little
puff piece on Deb and I
254
00:10:01,203 --> 00:10:02,369
and the ice cream parlor.
255
00:10:02,370 --> 00:10:04,668
Why would you let a journalist
look into your life?
256
00:10:04,669 --> 00:10:07,102
Relax. I need the publicity.
257
00:10:07,103 --> 00:10:08,435
I need this business to work
258
00:10:08,436 --> 00:10:10,502
so that Deb stays with me
in the future.
259
00:10:10,503 --> 00:10:12,169
Plus, why does every article
need to be about Elon Musk?
260
00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:13,435
It's enough already.
261
00:10:13,436 --> 00:10:16,069
You're living with
a woman from 1775.
262
00:10:16,070 --> 00:10:17,935
She has a name.
263
00:10:17,936 --> 00:10:19,535
And that name is Deb.
264
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:21,369
We time-travel!
265
00:10:21,370 --> 00:10:22,702
It didn't come up!
266
00:10:22,703 --> 00:10:24,236
You idiot!
267
00:10:24,237 --> 00:10:26,169
We stole money from Al Capone.
268
00:10:26,170 --> 00:10:29,568
We used the Founding Fathers
to buy an ice cream parlor.
269
00:10:29,569 --> 00:10:31,002
You got to be more careful.
270
00:10:31,003 --> 00:10:32,502
You know,
you're no better than me.
271
00:10:32,503 --> 00:10:34,535
Dan, objectively,
I'm better than you.
272
00:10:34,536 --> 00:10:35,869
You're keeping
Hancock and Adams here
273
00:10:35,870 --> 00:10:37,435
for your sick,
old-timey fight club.
274
00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:39,535
If this reporter
finds out the truth,
275
00:10:39,536 --> 00:10:42,603
there is no telling
what could happen to us.
276
00:10:46,237 --> 00:10:48,435
You need to fix this.
277
00:10:49,626 --> 00:10:54,459
Chris.
I will not kill a reporter.
278
00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:57,892
What?
No, just kill the story.
279
00:10:57,893 --> 00:11:01,526
Oh!
It's Mona from the newspaper.
280
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:02,758
Hello!
281
00:11:02,759 --> 00:11:04,692
Hi, uh, you said that you guys
282
00:11:04,693 --> 00:11:07,292
- had information for my story?
- Uh, yes, actually,
283
00:11:07,293 --> 00:11:09,625
we do have new information
about the story.
284
00:11:09,626 --> 00:11:11,059
We think you should not do it.
285
00:11:10,271 --> 00:11:12,270
Yes, it was grand meeting you,
and ten percent off
286
00:11:12,271 --> 00:11:13,969
your next cone purchase.
287
00:11:13,970 --> 00:11:15,603
Okay.
288
00:11:15,604 --> 00:11:18,170
Wow.
289
00:11:18,171 --> 00:11:19,936
You know, uh,
290
00:11:19,937 --> 00:11:21,337
I just have one more question.
291
00:11:22,738 --> 00:11:25,903
Do you happen to know these men?
292
00:11:25,904 --> 00:11:28,103
No, I...
293
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:29,836
I've never seen
these women in my life.
294
00:11:29,837 --> 00:11:31,503
Uh, no, doesn't ring a bell.
295
00:11:31,504 --> 00:11:32,770
Really?
296
00:11:32,771 --> 00:11:35,503
Because, uh... they
bought this building.
297
00:11:35,504 --> 00:11:36,936
Cash.
298
00:11:36,937 --> 00:11:38,170
And they signed their names
299
00:11:38,171 --> 00:11:39,837
"John Hancock" and "Sam Adams."
300
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,470
That's so odd
301
00:11:46,471 --> 00:11:49,670
because Sam Adams
and John Hancock are...
302
00:11:49,671 --> 00:11:51,936
they're famous men
from Colonial times,
303
00:11:51,937 --> 00:11:53,836
and this is 2017,
304
00:11:53,837 --> 00:11:56,470
so that...
Those must be fake names.
305
00:11:56,471 --> 00:11:58,637
Obviously.
But why wouldn't they want
306
00:11:58,638 --> 00:12:00,069
anyone to know their real names?
307
00:12:00,070 --> 00:12:01,403
Okay.
308
00:12:01,404 --> 00:12:03,936
Here's the deal.
309
00:12:03,937 --> 00:12:07,303
Those two fat women
are federal agents, and we
310
00:12:07,304 --> 00:12:10,170
are in the Witness
Protection Program. What?
311
00:12:10,171 --> 00:12:12,470
And they put us here...
To sell ice cream.
312
00:12:12,471 --> 00:12:15,470
To sell ice cream because we
saw the mob do a lot of murders.
313
00:12:15,471 --> 00:12:16,770
Al Capone.
314
00:12:16,771 --> 00:12:19,436
Yes, Hal Capo... Hal Capone.
Um...
315
00:12:19,437 --> 00:12:21,670
And that's why they set us up here.
Okay.
316
00:12:21,671 --> 00:12:25,303
So you're federally
protected witnesses who...
317
00:12:25,304 --> 00:12:27,003
asked to be in the newspaper?
318
00:12:27,004 --> 00:12:28,603
It's our first week
in the program.
319
00:12:28,604 --> 00:12:30,470
Yeah, and we-we're so bad at it.
320
00:12:30,471 --> 00:12:32,503
We keep on telling
people who we are.
321
00:12:32,504 --> 00:12:34,969
But obviously, if you
were to print the story,
322
00:12:34,970 --> 00:12:37,336
our murder would be
on your hands.
323
00:12:37,337 --> 00:12:41,170
Um, so maybe just find another
thing to write about,
324
00:12:41,171 --> 00:12:43,670
like a gazebo or something.
Yeah.
325
00:12:43,671 --> 00:12:46,603
Thank you for wasting
a lot of my time.
326
00:12:46,604 --> 00:12:48,637
You're welcome. Oh, my God. You're welcome.
Oh, thank you for understanding.
327
00:12:48,638 --> 00:12:50,070
She's so nice.
328
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:54,436
My life is completely
in your hands, Chris.
329
00:12:54,437 --> 00:12:56,470
Ugh. I'm totally freaking.
330
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:58,003
No need to worry, bud,
331
00:12:58,004 --> 00:12:59,737
I'll make sure
nothing happens to you.
332
00:12:59,738 --> 00:13:02,803
I just love Melanie so much.
333
00:13:02,804 --> 00:13:04,770
You do have a wife in 1775.
334
00:13:04,771 --> 00:13:07,436
Hey, be cool, man.
Oh, there they are.
335
00:13:07,437 --> 00:13:09,503
I'm gonna pull up right next
to them like in a cop show.
336
00:13:09,504 --> 00:13:12,570
Driver side to driver side,
like McNulty in The Wire.
337
00:13:12,571 --> 00:13:15,069
Good show. Oh, here they are.
338
00:13:15,070 --> 00:13:16,670
Dan, your ice cream's running
down your arm!
339
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:18,170
You're wasting it!
340
00:13:18,171 --> 00:13:20,671
Your tongue is so rough.
341
00:13:26,471 --> 00:13:28,437
Quick, switch seats with me.
342
00:13:28,820 --> 00:13:30,019
Aah!
343
00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:32,752
Chris, this is just
a tiny scratch
344
00:13:32,753 --> 00:13:34,418
that'll buff right out. Wow.
345
00:13:34,419 --> 00:13:37,318
I really clocked you.
This car is the one thing I had
346
00:13:37,319 --> 00:13:39,252
- that you guys didn't ruin.
- You need to relax.
347
00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:41,852
What? I'll just go to the
past and get you a new car.
348
00:13:41,853 --> 00:13:44,418
A car won't fit in
the bag, you moron.
349
00:13:44,419 --> 00:13:47,452
Chris, the car is
between you and Dan.
350
00:13:47,453 --> 00:13:49,418
Uh, perhaps we could get back to
351
00:13:49,419 --> 00:13:50,986
renegotiating the duel,
352
00:13:50,987 --> 00:13:52,819
which is why we're here
in the first place.
353
00:13:52,820 --> 00:13:54,252
Oh, right, right.
354
00:13:54,253 --> 00:13:55,752
You guys just destroyed
my apartment
355
00:13:55,753 --> 00:13:58,285
and made me drink pee.
God, this again?
356
00:13:58,286 --> 00:14:00,685
I clearly remember saying,
357
00:14:00,686 --> 00:14:03,952
"Chris, that's pee,"
before you drank it.
358
00:14:03,953 --> 00:14:06,019
But you didn't hear him because
you were already greedily
359
00:14:06,020 --> 00:14:08,652
chugging away,
pee-soaked grin on your face.
360
00:14:08,653 --> 00:14:09,986
Did something happen to you
361
00:14:09,987 --> 00:14:11,619
that you keep bringing up
that time
362
00:14:11,620 --> 00:14:12,852
you drank pee?
363
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:15,485
You know what? I hate you all!
364
00:14:15,486 --> 00:14:17,119
The duel is on!
365
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,352
Chris, don't be nasty.
366
00:14:18,353 --> 00:14:20,019
Chris, come on!
367
00:14:20,020 --> 00:14:22,120
Don't be nasty, Chris.
368
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:25,418
Oh, good.
369
00:14:25,419 --> 00:14:30,120
This hasn't gone farther
than I anticipated.
370
00:14:35,586 --> 00:14:38,285
Chris, Chris,
we got to do something.
371
00:14:38,286 --> 00:14:39,785
If they shoot each
other, they could, like,
372
00:14:39,786 --> 00:14:42,585
screw up the Civil
War or something.
373
00:14:42,586 --> 00:14:46,285
Wha-What, come on, man,
you didn't even...
374
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,285
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
375
00:14:48,286 --> 00:14:50,019
I got rid of the reporter.
376
00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:53,285
Let's just, let's just
start fresh, clean slate.
377
00:14:53,286 --> 00:14:55,352
Hi, I'm Samuel Adams.
378
00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:56,619
Who are you guys? Where am I?
379
00:14:56,620 --> 00:14:58,252
What'd you do with my horse?
380
00:14:58,253 --> 00:14:59,685
No, you need to learn a lesson.
381
00:14:59,686 --> 00:15:02,619
So, they're fighting over me?
382
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:05,585
I'm so sorry to involve
you in such a barbaric,
383
00:15:05,586 --> 00:15:07,253
sexist ritual.
384
00:15:08,786 --> 00:15:10,318
They're old-fashioned.
It's fine.
385
00:15:10,319 --> 00:15:11,685
It's a step up for me.
386
00:15:11,686 --> 00:15:14,819
Recently, I even started
dating bald guys.
387
00:15:14,820 --> 00:15:16,152
Oh, no.
388
00:15:16,153 --> 00:15:18,520
Any last words, gentlemen?
389
00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,252
I did it all for the nookie.
390
00:15:22,253 --> 00:15:24,920
Amen.
391
00:15:28,853 --> 00:15:31,753
Back-to-back.
392
00:15:33,020 --> 00:15:40,087
One-ly, two, threebie,
thorn, flive, six.
393
00:15:43,419 --> 00:15:44,819
Daniel!
394
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,819
Daniel! Oh!
395
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:50,019
I've been shot.
396
00:15:50,020 --> 00:15:52,086
They're paintballs.
397
00:15:52,087 --> 00:15:54,419
I wasn't gonna let 'em
use real guns.
398
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,919
Just wanted to teach you all
a lesson.
399
00:15:57,920 --> 00:15:59,986
And what would that lesson be?
400
00:15:59,987 --> 00:16:02,419
That your actions
have consequences!
401
00:16:04,087 --> 00:16:05,352
Here's a cool twist.
402
00:16:05,353 --> 00:16:07,285
We secretly forgave each other.
403
00:16:07,286 --> 00:16:10,152
We only went through with all
of this to teach you a lesson.
404
00:16:10,153 --> 00:16:12,152
Love conquers all.
405
00:16:12,153 --> 00:16:14,652
That's your lesson?
It's subtle but it's in there.
406
00:16:14,653 --> 00:16:16,418
Your fight was even
dumber than ours.
407
00:16:16,419 --> 00:16:18,952
You guys are quibbling
over material stuff, you know?
408
00:16:18,953 --> 00:16:20,585
It's all so meaningless.
409
00:16:20,586 --> 00:16:22,852
You thought they were real guns
and you still shot us.
410
00:16:22,853 --> 00:16:25,119
Right. Sorry.
411
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,352
Colonial weapons
were so inaccurate,
412
00:16:27,353 --> 00:16:30,185
you only aimed at someone if
you were trying to miss them.
413
00:16:30,186 --> 00:16:31,652
Right.
414
00:16:31,653 --> 00:16:33,019
Gun that shoots paint.
415
00:16:33,020 --> 00:16:34,585
Whew.
416
00:16:34,586 --> 00:16:36,952
Never in a million years
would I..
417
00:16:36,953 --> 00:16:41,585
Oh! By Jiminy, I think
I'll put this down.
418
00:16:41,586 --> 00:16:42,952
I can't see.
419
00:16:42,953 --> 00:16:44,252
I can't see.
420
00:16:44,253 --> 00:16:45,685
Eh, you're not missing much.
421
00:16:45,686 --> 00:16:49,418
Just a beautiful field
on a gorgeous day.
422
00:16:49,419 --> 00:16:51,119
Look at it,
423
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:53,252
see the face of God
in that cloud.
424
00:16:53,253 --> 00:16:54,253
Where?
425
00:16:56,602 --> 00:16:57,801
I'll visit you.
426
00:16:57,802 --> 00:16:59,736
Don't.
427
00:17:05,935 --> 00:17:08,067
Hello. Hey.
428
00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:11,967
You sort of look like if
Axl Rose got dipped in bleach.
429
00:17:11,968 --> 00:17:13,967
You want to grab a drink
or something?
430
00:17:13,968 --> 00:17:16,834
It would be my great
pleasure to accept.
431
00:17:16,835 --> 00:17:18,901
My good fellow,
432
00:17:18,902 --> 00:17:22,268
I congratulate you heartily.
433
00:17:22,269 --> 00:17:24,268
For not only have
we imparted wisdom
434
00:17:24,269 --> 00:17:28,501
of these pompkin whelps,
but you have found
435
00:17:28,502 --> 00:17:32,168
true love in the process.
436
00:17:32,169 --> 00:17:34,234
Yeah, all right, let's go.
437
00:17:34,235 --> 00:17:35,302
Don't touch me.
438
00:17:39,002 --> 00:17:41,968
- Still not bathing...
- I gather?
439
00:17:46,402 --> 00:17:47,735
How was the date?
440
00:17:47,736 --> 00:17:50,134
Woe betide the Colonial man
who ventures blindly
441
00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,901
into modern sexuality.
442
00:17:51,902 --> 00:17:54,134
I'm not into weirdos or
criers, and this guy's both.
443
00:17:54,135 --> 00:17:56,635
I'm not... D-Don't speak.
444
00:17:56,636 --> 00:17:58,301
Here's his frilly shirt;
he couldn't put it back on
445
00:17:58,302 --> 00:18:00,269
'cause his hands were shaking.
446
00:18:01,169 --> 00:18:03,834
Well, thank you!
447
00:18:03,835 --> 00:18:06,501
Oh, Sam. Gather yourself.
448
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:09,569
Hold your head up high, brother.
449
00:18:10,669 --> 00:18:12,801
Do you remember
the hex of the sea hag
450
00:18:12,802 --> 00:18:14,967
that left you mute for 40 days?
451
00:18:14,968 --> 00:18:17,601
This but pales in comparison.
452
00:18:17,602 --> 00:18:20,468
We have seen
453
00:18:20,469 --> 00:18:23,168
countless horrors
together, my old friend.
454
00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:24,801
There he is.
455
00:18:24,802 --> 00:18:26,934
There's my old chum, Sam,
456
00:18:26,935 --> 00:18:28,668
back in good spirits.
457
00:18:28,669 --> 00:18:32,101
All right, guys,
back in the bag.
458
00:18:32,102 --> 00:18:34,901
Let's do this. You guys
got some work to do in the past.
459
00:18:34,902 --> 00:18:36,901
Daniel,
460
00:18:36,902 --> 00:18:41,635
facing death in the future
made me feel more alive
461
00:18:41,636 --> 00:18:43,601
than I ever did in the past.
462
00:18:43,602 --> 00:18:46,334
And I just joined
a Planet Fitness.
463
00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:48,468
To leave now would be insane.
464
00:18:48,469 --> 00:18:50,669
And so...
465
00:18:54,035 --> 00:18:55,134
We run away!
466
00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:56,269
No! Stop them!
467
00:18:57,502 --> 00:18:59,434
To the future!
468
00:18:59,435 --> 00:19:01,301
Deb, wait!
469
00:19:01,302 --> 00:19:04,268
I was only going to get
the big one with a calf shot.
470
00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:06,067
He would have fallen
on the little one.
471
00:19:06,068 --> 00:19:07,469
I love you so much.
472
00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,268
Oh. I'm sorry, miss,
no visitors.
473
00:19:15,269 --> 00:19:17,168
No. It's okay. I'm family.
474
00:19:17,169 --> 00:19:18,735
No, she's not.
- Chris!
475
00:19:18,736 --> 00:19:19,768
Psst!
476
00:19:19,769 --> 00:19:23,834
Christopher, are you awake?
Are you sleeping?
477
00:19:23,835 --> 00:19:25,234
Is Dan with you?
478
00:19:25,235 --> 00:19:26,568
Oh, no, he... he was afraid
479
00:19:26,569 --> 00:19:27,601
that you'd throw
something at him,
480
00:19:27,602 --> 00:19:29,434
so he sent me instead.
481
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:30,901
Another coward move.
482
00:19:30,902 --> 00:19:32,668
No, he is only scared
483
00:19:32,669 --> 00:19:35,801
because he values
your friendship so highly.
484
00:19:35,802 --> 00:19:37,301
He ruined my life.
485
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:38,967
We're not friends.
486
00:19:38,968 --> 00:19:40,268
We never were.
487
00:19:40,269 --> 00:19:41,735
No, you don't mean that.
488
00:19:41,736 --> 00:19:44,067
I do. We were all
thrown together
489
00:19:44,068 --> 00:19:45,901
by circumstance.
490
00:19:45,902 --> 00:19:47,967
You guys know nothing about me.
491
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:49,834
When's my birthday?
492
00:19:49,835 --> 00:19:52,768
September 11.
493
00:19:52,769 --> 00:19:54,768
What? No.
494
00:19:54,769 --> 00:19:55,967
Today.
495
00:19:55,968 --> 00:19:57,668
Today is my birthday.
496
00:19:57,669 --> 00:19:59,401
Happy birthday.
497
00:19:59,402 --> 00:20:00,901
I think it's best that we all
498
00:20:00,902 --> 00:20:02,268
just go our separate ways.
499
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:03,568
No more time travel.
500
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:05,901
No more stupid questions
about history.
501
00:20:05,902 --> 00:20:08,434
Let's just never see
each other ever again.
502
00:20:08,435 --> 00:20:10,301
Well, I hope,
for the sake of your vision,
503
00:20:10,302 --> 00:20:12,268
that we do see each other again.
504
00:20:12,269 --> 00:20:14,234
Good-bye, Deborah.
505
00:20:14,235 --> 00:20:16,636
Good-bye.
506
00:20:22,135 --> 00:20:26,568
♪ Kum-bah-yah, my Lord ♪
507
00:20:26,569 --> 00:20:30,401
♪ Kum-bah-yah ♪
508
00:20:30,402 --> 00:20:31,668
♪ Kum-bah-yah, my Lord... ♪
509
00:20:31,669 --> 00:20:33,901
Our top story,
a nine-year-old girl
510
00:20:33,902 --> 00:20:36,968
enters her 80th hour
stuck in a bumper car.
511
00:20:39,402 --> 00:20:43,468
♪ Kum-bah-yah, my Lord ♪
512
00:20:43,469 --> 00:20:46,968
♪ Kum-bah-yah... ♪
513
00:20:50,169 --> 00:20:52,902
Birthday!
514
00:21:11,769 --> 00:21:17,235
♪ Oh, Lord, kum-bah-yah. ♪
515
00:21:21,502 --> 00:21:23,002
Yeah!
516
00:21:24,502 --> 00:21:27,469
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