subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for The.Grand.Tour.S01E03.WEBRip.X264-DEFLATE[ettv]

Afrikaans

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bengali

Bosnian

Bulgarian

Catalan

Cebuano

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch Download

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek Download

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Irish

Italian

Japanese Download

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Khmer

Korean

Kurdish (Kurmanji)

Kyrgyz

Lao

Latin

Latvian

Lithuanian

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Nepali

Norwegian

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese

Punjabi

Romanian

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Sesotho

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhala

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Telugu

Thai

Turkish

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Odia (Oriya)

Kinyarwanda

Turkmen

Tatar

Uyghur

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:02,673 �� . �� . 2 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:06,534 ��. 3 00:01:06,935 --> 00:01:09,503 4 00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:16,144 �� . 5 00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:17,811 �� Grand Tour, 6 00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:20,050 �� ! 7 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,619 ��! �� . 8 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,310 �� Yorkshire, �� ... 9 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:32,526 10 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:35,128 �� . 11 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,965 - �� -- ��, ��... 12 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:41,635 �� Whitby. �� . 13 00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:48,309 �� Whitby, ��, �� .. 14 00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:51,011 ..�� fish and chips. 15 00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:53,214 �� Scraps. 16 00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:54,748 �� ; 17 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,777 �� scraps. �� scraps. 18 00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:59,453 �� . 19 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:00,988 ��, scraps. �� bits. 20 00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:03,199 �� bits. ��, scraps. 21 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,861 �� bits! Bits! 22 00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,973 �� bits; 23 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,775 - ��! - Scraps; 24 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:15,656 -��; scraps. -�� . 25 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,816 �� Yorkshire. 26 00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:22,653 �� 17� �� Yorkshire. 27 00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:24,678 �� "Yorkshire" ��. 28 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,881 �� . �� . 29 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:31,599 �� . 30 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,759 �� , ��... 31 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:36,299 �� . ��... 32 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:37,958 �� ; 33 00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,493 �� .. 34 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,299 ...�� . 35 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,665 -�� ; -��... 36 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:47,134 -��! -�� , ��. 37 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:50,348 �� . �� . 38 00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:53,879 ��, �� , ��: Last Of The Summer Wine, 39 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:57,921 ...�� ... 40 00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,513 ...�� ,... 41 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,615 ...�� . 42 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,252 - �� . - ��, ��. 43 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:05,919 �� . 44 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,498 �� ; 45 00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:08,889 �� . 46 00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,624 �� Detroit �� . 47 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,469 ��, �� . 48 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,806 �� , �� ... 49 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,098 ...�� . 50 00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:22,836 �� , ��, �� . 51 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,372 ��, ��. 52 00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:28,519 �� , 53 00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,988 ...�� James May �� . 54 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,759 ��, ��, �� .. 55 00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:38,616 -�� . -��, �� ... 56 00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:41,899 ...�� Grand Tour. 57 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,901 �� , 58 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:47,080 �� .. 59 00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,759 ...�� . 60 00:03:48,796 --> 00:03:51,319 �� Magaluf... 61 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,977 �� , �� . 62 00:03:54,036 --> 00:03:55,309 ��. 63 00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,748 �� , 64 00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,617 �� Jeremy �� .. 65 00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:03,319 ...�� Grand Tour. 66 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,546 �� ... 67 00:04:05,613 --> 00:04:07,915 �� , 68 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:11,028 �� 1,000 GT cars: 69 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,530 �� grand tourers. 70 00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:21,872 �� , �� . 71 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:29,146 �� : 72 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,038 �� Palio. 73 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:42,850 �� ! 74 00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:47,565 �� ... 75 00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,467 �� . 76 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:54,482 �� ... 77 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,179 ...�� . 78 00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,141 ...�� .. 79 00:04:58,198 --> 00:05:01,745 ...�� : 80 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,013 �� . 81 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,893 �� . 82 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,787 � James �� Rolls-Royce Dawn, 83 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:13,567 �� , �� Ghost. 84 00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:17,385 �� DB11, 85 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,096 �� ... 86 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:23,487 �� Aston Martin grand tourers. 87 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,591 �� . 88 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:29,483 �� . 89 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:30,910 ��...��.. 90 00:05:30,954 --> 00:05:34,422 �� . 91 00:05:34,402 --> 00:05:35,733 �� . 92 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:38,406 -�� ! -�� . 93 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,671 �� ! �� . 94 00:05:40,718 --> 00:05:43,431 �� . 95 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:44,755 �� . 96 00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:47,551 -�� BMW �� 7. 97 00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:48,682 -��, �� . 98 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,661 �� 7. 99 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,640 -�� . -�� . 100 00:05:52,676 --> 00:05:55,799 317,000 �� 7. 101 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,944 �� ! 102 00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:58,536 �� , 103 00:05:58,552 --> 00:06:00,538 ...�� , �� ... 104 00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,105 -...�� . 105 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,927 -�� ; -�� ! 106 00:06:03,954 --> 00:06:07,678 -�� ! -�� . 107 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:11,281 �� , �� . 108 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,783 �� ... 109 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,809 ...��,�� . 110 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,656 �� , �� , 111 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,357 ��, ��, ��... 112 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:25,089 �� ; 113 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,533 -� Hammond; -��, ��. 114 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,199 �� . 115 00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,513 �� . 116 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,172 ��, �� . 117 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:38,599 Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat. 118 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,811 707 �� , 119 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,701 �� . 120 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,026 ��... �� ... 121 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:47,279 ��' ��, ��. 122 00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:50,831 Hammond, � ��, �� muscle car. 123 00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:55,503 ��, �� . 124 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:57,871 �� ... 125 00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,970 ...�� Grand Tour �� . 126 00:06:59,973 --> 00:07:02,799 �� Cannonball Run �� 18� ��, 127 00:07:02,803 --> 00:07:05,209 ...�� ... 128 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,637 �� . 129 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:08,071 �� ; 130 00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:10,574 �� Grand Tour, 131 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,586 ...�� , 132 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,044 ...�� . 133 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,189 �� Bobby's... �� grit; 134 00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:17,748 ��... 135 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:19,719 ...�� ; 136 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,519 -�� . -�� . 137 00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:23,020 "Rodeo Lube 'N' Tune." 138 00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:25,633 "�� ." ��, ��. 139 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,735 �� , �� ... 140 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,747 ...�� Grand Tour. 141 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,982 �� "�� " 142 00:07:32,009 --> 00:07:34,041 - ��. - �� . 143 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,143 �� . 144 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,789 ��, ��, ��. 145 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,347 - ��. - ��. 146 00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,740 �� ; 147 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,241 ��. ��, ��. 148 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,534 �� . 149 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,388 �� , 150 00:07:48,435 --> 00:07:50,958 �� , 151 00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,540 �� . 152 00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:53,827 -��. -��. 153 00:07:57,110 --> 00:08:00,601 �� , ��; 154 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,771 ��! �� grand touring. 155 00:08:03,810 --> 00:08:08,659 ��, �� . 156 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:30,077 157 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:33,213 Hammond, �� . 158 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,457 �� . 159 00:08:34,582 --> 00:08:36,113 �� . 160 00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:45,192 �� Dodge Hellcat �� . 161 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:52,309 �� Milwaukee. 162 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:55,335 �� . �� . 163 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,204 �� ... 164 00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,840 ...�� . 165 00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:17,057 �� DB9, 166 00:09:17,124 --> 00:09:20,728 �� . 167 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,497 �� . 168 00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:27,300 �� Sport, Sport Plus, 169 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,102 �� . 170 00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,139 GT. 171 00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,674 Grand Touring. 172 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:40,648 ��, �� 5.2L V12 �� , 173 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:44,051 �� 600 ��. 174 00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,654 �� . 175 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,658 �� . 176 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:58,198 ��, �� ... 177 00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,101 ...�� AMG V8. 178 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:04,037 �� Aston �� Mercedes, 179 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,139 ...�� . 180 00:10:06,206 --> 00:10:08,876 �� Mercedes ��, ��. 181 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,111 �� Mercedes GPS. 182 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,948 �� ... 183 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,349 Aston Martin �� Mercedes, 184 00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:19,997 � �� -�� 185 00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,810 ...�� Victoria �� Albert. 186 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,526 � James, ��, ��. 187 00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:29,830 �� -��. 188 00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:37,170 �� , ��, �� ... 189 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,207 �� . 190 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:42,930 �� , 191 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,546 �� . 192 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:49,116 �� ... 193 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,782 �� . 194 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,032 �� . 195 00:10:56,690 --> 00:11:00,299 ��... �� . 196 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,830 �� . 197 00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,808 ��...: �� , 0-100. 198 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,734 �� . 199 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:11,438 �� , �� , �� . 200 00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,318 �� ... 201 00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:21,749 ��, �� . 202 00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:30,590 �� ... 203 00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:33,393 �� 6.2L V8 HEMI. 204 00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:37,400 �� , �� . 205 00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:41,434 �� . 206 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:45,873 �� , �� 70-�� ... 207 00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:47,814 �� 13 ��. 208 00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:53,814 �� , 209 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,083 ...�� .. 210 00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,361 �� .. 211 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:00,320 ...�� . 212 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,966 �� . 213 00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:09,499 �� ' �� , 214 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:13,343 ...�� . 215 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,180 �� 0-400 �� Porsche 911 GT3, 216 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,326 �� , ��, 60.000; 217 00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:22,876 �� 5 �� Rolls-Royces �� . 218 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,646 ��. �� . 219 00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:31,518 ��! 220 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:37,690 That is a genuinely horrible noise that Hammond's car's making, 221 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:39,827 and he just keeps doing it. 222 00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:44,898 He keeps stamping one pedal, then stamping the other one, in his binary style. 223 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:53,540 Sadly, the engine noise wasn't the only irritation. 224 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:58,545 Is this just going to be a tour of Italy's petrol stations? 225 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,281 Well, it depends how far apart they are, doesn't it, really? 226 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:03,851 Look at it this way, think of the snacking opportunities. 227 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,853 You've come to Italy for food. 228 00:13:05,886 --> 00:13:07,154 Yeah, but not crisps. 229 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,356 No, not crisps and hideous sausages from America. 230 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,992 You don't know. It'll be different in different petrol stations. 231 00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:13,693 -It won't. -It will. 232 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,628 Are there any Renaissance petrol stations we could visit? Baroque? 233 00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:18,431 No. Nor are there any Renaissance sausage rolls in there. 234 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:19,499 For God's sake. 235 00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,001 Having filled up his car, 236 00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:24,371 and himself, we were back on the road. 237 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,877 A quick situation update. 238 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,511 I'm driving through sunny It-- 239 00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:34,181 Shut up! 240 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:37,484 Bad news, James. I'm afraid there's a tunnel coming up. 241 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,186 Are you ready? Are you ready? 242 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,388 Don't do it, Hammond. Just relax. Enjoy a bit of quiet. 243 00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:46,559 Stop it! 244 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,063 You have got to love that! 245 00:13:52,099 --> 00:13:55,735 Soon, we arrived in the Renaissance city of Florence, 246 00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:59,372 a traditional stopping point on the Grand Tour of old. 247 00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:03,143 Architecture. 248 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:06,980 Opera di Firenze. This is what we're here for. 249 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:09,049 This is why we're here. 250 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,384 Best of all, though, 251 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:15,722 James and I had managed to lose Hammond. 252 00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:19,292 He's really offending you, isn't he, with his Dodge? 253 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,361 Honestly, I wouldn't say this lightly, 254 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:24,264 but I have developed a genuine, deep, 255 00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:26,967 deep, heartfelt hatred for that thing. 256 00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:31,939 I can tell. You're going to go like Inspector Dreyfus in the Pink Panther films soon. 257 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,740 You're not wrong. I've developed a twitch. 258 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:36,977 When he comes near me and I'm waiting for that stupid noise it makes, 259 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,478 my eye starts quivering. 260 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,613 It's like somebody constantly being sick on you 261 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:43,316 while you're trying to read a nice book. 262 00:14:46,019 --> 00:14:47,520 As we were on our own, 263 00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,356 Jeremy and I decided to head for 264 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,291 the renowned Uffizi Gallery... 265 00:14:52,559 --> 00:14:55,028 where we would enjoy a bit of peace and quiet 266 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,297 as we appreciated its treasures. 267 00:15:11,878 --> 00:15:14,481 Who's hungry? Cos it's doughnut time! 268 00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:15,983 Yeah! 269 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,186 You can have that one! 270 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,354 Put sprinkles on that! 271 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:24,524 Party on the hill in... wherever we are. Italy. 272 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,993 Ya-ha! 273 00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:29,729 Finally bringing some life into this place! 274 00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:36,236 After Hammond had fitted some new tyres... 275 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:43,176 ...James and I abandoned our visit to the Uffizi... 276 00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:46,113 and escorted him out of town. 277 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:48,381 Hammond, we could see the smoke from your tyres 278 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,218 from the other side of the city. 279 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,619 I know! I know! 280 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:55,455 Nobody in history has ever, 281 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,291 ever doughnuted an Aston Martin. 282 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:01,361 Yeah, they're not young buyers, are they? 283 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:04,064 No, they're refined and cultured. 284 00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:10,037 I envy you, Hammond, cos you get to look at my Aston Martin. 285 00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:14,041 -Yeah, but there's a big problem with it visually. -What? 286 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,842 It's brown! 287 00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:20,047 Sunburst Orange is what it is. 288 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,715 Jeremy, I shouldn't worry. We all know the expression. 289 00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,052 Brown sky at night, shepherd's delight. 290 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,755 That bloke's been done for that theft, you know? 291 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,157 They caught him brown-handed. 292 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,858 I'm starting to imagine 293 00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:37,064 what Richard Hammond would look like without a head... or skin. 294 00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:40,433 Once Hammond had finished rubbishing the Aston's colour, 295 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:43,136 he started to challenge its performance. 296 00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:49,742 Hammond is driving along behind me now like he wants to get past. 297 00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,080 Stupid boy. 298 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:57,817 What is the top speed of that car of yours? 299 00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:00,320 199 miles an hour. 300 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:05,392 Exactly. This will do 200, so back off. 301 00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,461 Well, yes, but it's 100 grand more. 302 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,630 That's a very expensive mile an hour. 303 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:15,835 Rather than get into a pointless war of words, 304 00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:18,771 I decided to put Hammond in his place 305 00:17:18,838 --> 00:17:21,174 and invited him to pull over here... 306 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,444 ...at the Mugello race track. 307 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:31,251 Why have you brought me to this not-at-all cultural place? 308 00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:35,522 Because I want to teach him a lesson about what real speed is. 309 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:37,657 But he's got over 700 horsepower. 310 00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,426 Yes, I know, but you remember Jaws: 311 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:40,860 big metal teeth, huge man? 312 00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:43,563 James Bond simply threw him through a window, 313 00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:45,732 and that's what I'm gonna do to him. 314 00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:49,169 - Do you mind if I don't take part in this? 315 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,470 I'll do it. 316 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:57,377 So, as Hammond had some new tyres fitted... 317 00:17:57,444 --> 00:18:01,581 again, I took to the track for some sighting laps. 318 00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,621 Now, let's get one thing straight from the start. 319 00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:14,694 Aston Martins are not really designed to do track work. 320 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,830 They're designed to look good, and that's it. 321 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,369 Yes, the chassis on this, the DB11, 322 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:25,071 was developed by a former Lotus engineer, 323 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,506 but they actually told him 324 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:29,842 to tune it more for comfort than handling. 325 00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:33,546 That being said, 326 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:38,718 this has an aluminium chassis and some aero trickery. 327 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:43,390 Air is sucked into holes behind the rear windows 328 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:48,195 and then shot out of a vent on the boot lid, 329 00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:50,230 giving me a sort of air rear wing. 330 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,735 Giving me grip... a lot of grip. 331 00:18:56,903 --> 00:19:00,440 And the traction control is simply astonishing. 332 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:03,876 In most cars, it's like somebody hitting you on the head with a hammer, 333 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:05,345 but in this, it's just going, 334 00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:08,648 "Erm... Hang on, hang on, hang on." There you go. 335 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,286 Bloody hellfire! This is very, very good. 336 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:20,227 Certainly it's good enough to be able to totally destroy 337 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:22,429 Hammond's idiotic Dodge. 338 00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:28,468 This does not have a magnesium roof, 339 00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:30,603 carbon-fibre prop shaft. 340 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,072 The engine isn't made from aluminium, it's made from cast iron. 341 00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:36,243 And you get the impression they'd have made it from stone if they could. 342 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:41,548 What it does have is vast reserves of power, 343 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:44,116 and even vaster reserves of character. 344 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,752 This thing is just hilarious. 345 00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:55,528 Look at him in his little brown Aston, 346 00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:58,331 being all in control, and just not having fun, is he? 347 00:19:58,398 --> 00:19:59,832 I mean, what's the point? 348 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,504 Showboating. Probably thinks I can't. 349 00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:07,640 Well, I'm sorry, Hammond, this is a 600 horsepower, 350 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,476 rear-wheel drive Aston Martin. 351 00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,280 So I turned the traction control off, 352 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,382 and all hell broke loose. 353 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,465 It will do this all day. 354 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,236 Meanwhile... 355 00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:41,508 One of the purposes of the original Grand Tour 356 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,876 wasn't just to look at things and learn about things. 357 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:46,479 It was also to enhance your capabilities. 358 00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:48,448 You would learn to do things. 359 00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:51,050 You might do... I don't know, writing sonnets, 360 00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:54,421 playing musical instruments, regional cooking, maybe. 361 00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,689 I'm having a go at watercolour painting. 362 00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,925 It's absolutely delightful. 363 00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:01,328 Apart from my reverie is occasionally interrupted 364 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:05,332 by the... disgusting bellow of Hammond's muscle car. 365 00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,970 Mr. Hammond appears to have organised a helicopter 366 00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:12,472 to record the event. 367 00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:17,577 Ha-ha, Clarkson! Get past me now! 368 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,813 Smokescreen you. 369 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,719 What a moron you are, Hammond! 370 00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:29,622 Get out of my way! 371 00:21:32,191 --> 00:21:36,062 This is not a particularly cultural thing to do... 372 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,664 but it is very good fun. 373 00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:49,776 Even though Hammond and I were having a big smoky riot, 374 00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:51,544 we'd learned nothing at all. 375 00:21:52,679 --> 00:21:54,881 So we decided to get scientific 376 00:21:54,947 --> 00:21:58,418 and do a proper timed flying lap. 377 00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,531 This matters. 378 00:22:11,598 --> 00:22:13,833 This is for Britain. This is for Europe. 379 00:22:15,201 --> 00:22:16,403 No silly business. 380 00:22:16,469 --> 00:22:18,871 Let's just get round this as fast as we can. 381 00:22:25,612 --> 00:22:27,480 With the flying lap completed, 382 00:22:27,547 --> 00:22:29,649 we met to compare times. 383 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:34,053 -Go on, then. -All right, then. Two... 384 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:35,822 -Yes. -Yes. 385 00:22:35,888 --> 00:22:38,024 18 seconds... 386 00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:41,060 -18? -Yes. Why, what have you got? What are you? 387 00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:44,296 18. B-But... 388 00:22:44,431 --> 00:22:47,133 -You're not making that up? -No. Two minutes 18... 389 00:22:47,199 --> 00:22:48,435 Ooh! 390 00:22:48,501 --> 00:22:49,936 ...point 79. 391 00:22:50,002 --> 00:22:51,871 Oh, thank God for that. 392 00:22:51,938 --> 00:22:53,873 I'm... It's crushing. Three-five. 393 00:22:54,974 --> 00:22:57,009 Well, it's hardly crushing, is it? 394 00:22:57,076 --> 00:22:59,211 -No, cos that's... -I don't know why you accepted the challenge. 395 00:22:59,278 --> 00:23:03,149 It's less then half a second for your extra 100 grand. 396 00:23:04,283 --> 00:23:06,453 Well, hardly a big gloat, is it? 397 00:23:08,254 --> 00:23:12,859 It's �100,000 for half a second and 1mph top speed. 398 00:23:12,925 --> 00:23:18,197 240 years of independence and that's the best they can do. 399 00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:21,534 As Hammond cheered himself up with some doughnuts... 400 00:23:22,702 --> 00:23:24,904 ...and then another set of tyres... 401 00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:29,742 ...I went to join James. 402 00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:34,914 Oh, shit. 403 00:23:45,492 --> 00:23:46,626 Agh! 404 00:23:46,693 --> 00:23:49,496 -Did you beat him, by the way? -Yeah. 405 00:23:49,562 --> 00:23:50,997 Good man. 406 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:56,836 As the sun slipped behind the Tuscan hills, 407 00:23:56,903 --> 00:23:59,972 we spent an enjoyable hour or so painting. 408 00:24:01,307 --> 00:24:03,109 But then... 409 00:24:08,147 --> 00:24:10,382 Ooh. 410 00:24:10,517 --> 00:24:11,884 What are you doing? 411 00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:14,754 I'm defusing a bomb, Hammond. What do you think I'm doing? 412 00:24:14,821 --> 00:24:16,188 I'm baking a cake. 413 00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:18,925 -It looks like you're painting. -We are painting. 414 00:24:18,991 --> 00:24:22,394 Hammond then decided he'd like to have a go as well. 415 00:24:30,136 --> 00:24:32,539 - Right. 416 00:24:32,605 --> 00:24:34,006 That one. 417 00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:37,143 Mm-hm. Mm-hm. 418 00:24:40,547 --> 00:24:42,849 Soon, our art was finished. 419 00:24:45,652 --> 00:24:47,219 I think I've rushed mine. 420 00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:50,890 Still, could be worse. 421 00:24:52,559 --> 00:24:54,060 It was difficult, before I saw this, 422 00:24:54,126 --> 00:24:57,664 to imagine anything more hideous than the actual car. 423 00:24:57,730 --> 00:24:59,599 But you've done it, Hammond. 424 00:24:59,666 --> 00:25:04,003 It's the way that you've managed to eradicate any sense of place. 425 00:25:04,070 --> 00:25:05,572 Yeah, I know. 426 00:25:10,677 --> 00:25:13,279 Your twitch! He's twitching! 427 00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,148 Even when he looks at the picture of your car, 428 00:25:16,215 --> 00:25:18,585 he's actually twitching! 429 00:25:22,221 --> 00:25:23,590 All of the work... 430 00:25:23,656 --> 00:25:26,593 All of the work that Rolls-Royce put into that Dawn 431 00:25:26,659 --> 00:25:30,429 to make it quiet and refined and sublime, and all those things you'd expect, 432 00:25:30,496 --> 00:25:34,500 it all counts for absolutely nothing if it's anywhere near your Dodge, 433 00:25:34,601 --> 00:25:36,703 because that's all you can hear. 434 00:25:36,769 --> 00:25:38,871 Do you know something about that Hellcat? 435 00:25:38,938 --> 00:25:40,940 OK, I've done some research into it. 436 00:25:41,007 --> 00:25:43,943 The Hellcat is based on the old Chrysler 300C. 437 00:25:44,010 --> 00:25:45,377 Underneath, it's the same car. 438 00:25:45,444 --> 00:25:50,750 And the 300C, underneath, is a 1990s Mercedes E-Class. 439 00:25:50,817 --> 00:25:52,652 So what Dodge has done with that thing, 440 00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:57,123 if they put 700 horsepower in a 20-year-old taxi... 441 00:25:57,189 --> 00:25:58,190 that's what it is. 442 00:25:58,257 --> 00:26:02,795 Anyway, if you want to listen to two old men 443 00:26:02,862 --> 00:26:07,399 dribble on about music and opera whilst I have fun, 444 00:26:07,466 --> 00:26:09,501 there'll be more of that later on. 445 00:26:09,636 --> 00:26:11,971 But now it's time for us to check our mirrors 446 00:26:12,038 --> 00:26:15,708 and make a smooth left into Conversation Street. 447 00:26:23,683 --> 00:26:25,351 It is. 448 00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:27,319 Now... I have to say, 449 00:26:27,386 --> 00:26:30,657 James was very, very excited about coming to Whitby, 450 00:26:30,723 --> 00:26:34,426 because he'd heard that it's the centre of the British jet industry. 451 00:26:34,493 --> 00:26:36,428 He was very much looking forward to spending 452 00:26:36,495 --> 00:26:38,430 a couple of days looking at old drawings of Concord, 453 00:26:38,497 --> 00:26:42,468 but then he discovered that Whitby jet is actually this. 454 00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:44,837 It looks like coal. 455 00:26:44,904 --> 00:26:46,038 -It is coal. -Is it? 456 00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,707 Thing is, though, they've worked out... 457 00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:49,141 Obviouasly, you can't burn coal any more 458 00:26:49,208 --> 00:26:51,811 because Al Gore goes nuts and a polar bear falls over, 459 00:26:51,878 --> 00:26:55,948 so they polish it up and then say it's precious. 460 00:26:56,015 --> 00:26:58,985 That's interesting, this, cos I've got the blurb here 461 00:26:59,051 --> 00:27:02,922 from Whitby's oldest retailer of the stuff, and it says, 462 00:27:02,989 --> 00:27:05,725 "Unlike other gemstones, 463 00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:09,161 jet is actually fossilised wood." 464 00:27:09,228 --> 00:27:12,699 Yes, because unlike other gemstones, it's coal. 465 00:27:12,765 --> 00:27:14,533 Yeah, but... 466 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,102 -But it's... -It's coal, isn't it? 467 00:27:16,168 --> 00:27:18,905 Unlike other gemstones, Hammond, it's a lot cheaper. 468 00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:21,140 Well, yes, it would be. 469 00:27:21,207 --> 00:27:24,210 Well, seriously, you can get a jet ring, look, for 32 quid. 470 00:27:24,276 --> 00:27:26,612 You get a sack of it for ten quid. It's coal! 471 00:27:26,713 --> 00:27:27,980 Thing is, though... 472 00:27:28,047 --> 00:27:29,381 We were thinking the other day, 473 00:27:29,448 --> 00:27:32,819 you know carmakers now they use bamboo, ash, walnut 474 00:27:32,885 --> 00:27:34,987 and carbon fibre to decorate bits of a car? 475 00:27:35,054 --> 00:27:37,323 -Why don't they use jet? -Exactly. 476 00:27:37,389 --> 00:27:39,726 Anybody would like to have some jet in their car. 477 00:27:39,726 --> 00:27:42,228 Actually, we've been doing a little bit of experimenting, Hammond. 478 00:27:42,294 --> 00:27:46,733 I've made a prototype. This is a gearstick with a jet knob... 479 00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:49,401 ...on the top. It's brilliant. 480 00:27:49,468 --> 00:27:52,071 I mean, it's not polished yet, but you change gear. 481 00:27:52,138 --> 00:27:54,273 It does make your hand a bit dirty. 482 00:27:54,340 --> 00:27:56,608 But, no, that's a handy reminder. It is. 483 00:27:56,743 --> 00:27:58,745 Exactly. No, you're absolutely right 'cause you know, 484 00:27:58,745 --> 00:28:00,379 sometimes you drive an unfamiliar car, you're on the motorway 485 00:28:00,446 --> 00:28:02,782 and you think, "Oh, did I change into sixth? 486 00:28:02,849 --> 00:28:05,384 Yeah, I did." 487 00:28:05,451 --> 00:28:08,354 Here's some conversation... for Conversation Street. 488 00:28:08,420 --> 00:28:11,423 Erm... Bad news. There is a problem right now in this country. 489 00:28:11,490 --> 00:28:14,961 Not enough people are learning to drive. Seriously. 490 00:28:15,027 --> 00:28:19,999 In 2007, just over 16,000 driving tests were conducted. 491 00:28:20,066 --> 00:28:23,602 Last year, that had dropped to 4,650. 492 00:28:23,669 --> 00:28:27,774 That is a true fact. In less than ten years, 16,000 down to 4,000. 493 00:28:27,774 --> 00:28:28,941 And I know why. 494 00:28:29,008 --> 00:28:30,442 It's because kids leave school these days, 495 00:28:30,509 --> 00:28:33,079 they've no idea who Hitler was, they can't add up. 496 00:28:33,145 --> 00:28:34,781 They just know cars are bad. 497 00:28:34,814 --> 00:28:37,850 cars are bad, cars are bad, cars are bad. 498 00:28:37,917 --> 00:28:39,819 Then, when they do get out of school, after what-- 499 00:28:39,886 --> 00:28:41,220 after school's finished, 500 00:28:41,287 --> 00:28:44,290 they go around and see speed cameras, traffic jams, 501 00:28:44,356 --> 00:28:47,493 signs saying "Please don't overtake cyclists" and think, "What's the point?" 502 00:28:47,559 --> 00:28:50,262 "No point learning to drive. I might as well just use Uber." 503 00:28:50,329 --> 00:28:51,964 Exactly. If I were a carmaker, 504 00:28:52,031 --> 00:28:54,801 I would be fighting like a Kilkenny cat 505 00:28:54,834 --> 00:28:57,069 to make sure every car I made 506 00:28:57,136 --> 00:28:59,205 was as interesting and as amazing as possible. 507 00:28:59,271 --> 00:29:02,041 But instead... Renault, they give us the KADJAR. 508 00:29:02,108 --> 00:29:03,810 How many children... 509 00:29:03,810 --> 00:29:06,946 How many children will say, "If I work really hard and do my homework, 510 00:29:07,013 --> 00:29:09,515 one day, maybe, I can have a KADJAR"? 511 00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:11,918 Cos that's the car they grow up seeing. 512 00:29:11,984 --> 00:29:13,252 Worse still, Nissan Juke. 513 00:29:13,319 --> 00:29:16,155 -You really hate the Juke. -No, I hate it. 514 00:29:16,222 --> 00:29:18,057 -No, he genuinely hates... -No, I hate... 515 00:29:18,124 --> 00:29:21,894 I object to it existing. It shouldn't exist. I loathe it. 516 00:29:21,961 --> 00:29:24,330 On the motorway, you see them with their stupid, 517 00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:26,432 like, double bug eyes. 518 00:29:26,498 --> 00:29:27,733 Smug little... 519 00:29:27,834 --> 00:29:29,969 If I see one, I'm mad. I can't help myself. 520 00:29:30,036 --> 00:29:31,838 And it's cruel, and I'm sorry if you're in one. 521 00:29:31,838 --> 00:29:32,905 But I do, I see them. 522 00:29:32,972 --> 00:29:33,973 "I hate..." 523 00:29:35,842 --> 00:29:39,011 He does. I was driving along with him the other day... 524 00:29:39,078 --> 00:29:40,880 I was busy telling him a story, 525 00:29:40,947 --> 00:29:41,881 and he was looking out the window going, 526 00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:43,615 "I hate you! I hate you!" 527 00:29:43,682 --> 00:29:45,017 I hate them. 528 00:29:45,084 --> 00:29:46,853 What's the most boring car on sale in Britain today? 529 00:29:46,886 --> 00:29:48,054 That's a good question. 530 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,422 Brown Astons! 531 00:29:52,024 --> 00:29:54,626 Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! - Who said that? 532 00:29:56,362 --> 00:29:58,197 Get out. Get out. 533 00:30:04,971 --> 00:30:06,572 Security, kill him. 534 00:30:08,074 --> 00:30:10,142 "Brown Astons" my... 535 00:30:10,209 --> 00:30:12,244 I tell you what, if I were the boss of Volkswagen, 536 00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:13,812 I'd go and find the man who did... 537 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,647 What's that tall Golf called? 538 00:30:15,714 --> 00:30:17,383 Oh, the SV. 539 00:30:17,449 --> 00:30:19,886 SV, that's it. The one that's like a Golf, 540 00:30:19,952 --> 00:30:22,288 but for people who have stovepipe hats. 541 00:30:22,354 --> 00:30:25,324 And I would bludgeon him with a tyre iron. 542 00:30:25,391 --> 00:30:28,260 "Why did you do that? Nobody wants one!" 543 00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:31,964 Just to be fair, I think VW have bigger concerns at the moment. 544 00:30:32,031 --> 00:30:34,300 OK, I want to talk about the Oxford Ring Road. 545 00:30:34,366 --> 00:30:37,136 I know it's miles away from here and from anybody watching, 546 00:30:37,203 --> 00:30:40,172 but the thing is, OK, for the last two years, 547 00:30:40,239 --> 00:30:43,042 they've been working on shrinking - slightly shrinking - 548 00:30:43,109 --> 00:30:45,211 two roundabouts and putting some traffic lights up. 549 00:30:45,277 --> 00:30:48,915 Now, do you know how much the budget was for that job? 550 00:30:48,981 --> 00:30:52,051 Er... Two roundabouts, ten grand a roundabout. I'd say 20 grand overall. 551 00:30:52,118 --> 00:30:54,686 �9 million. 552 00:30:54,753 --> 00:30:57,023 -Million? Nine million? -Nine million. 553 00:30:57,089 --> 00:31:00,626 Can you imagine the builder's face when he came out of that meeting? 554 00:31:02,228 --> 00:31:04,931 "They're gonna give me nine million quid 555 00:31:04,997 --> 00:31:07,066 to shrink a couple of roundabouts!" 556 00:31:07,133 --> 00:31:08,500 Well, that's why it's taken him two years. 557 00:31:08,567 --> 00:31:11,137 He had to make it look like nine million quid's worth. 558 00:31:11,203 --> 00:31:12,471 "Really difficult." 559 00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:13,705 This is not a word of a lie. 560 00:31:13,772 --> 00:31:18,377 �9 million will buy you a 30,000-square-foot house, 561 00:31:18,444 --> 00:31:19,478 OK, like this. 562 00:31:19,545 --> 00:31:22,248 That is a nine-million-quid house to build. 563 00:31:22,314 --> 00:31:25,651 You can have that or two shaved roundabouts... for your nine million quid. 564 00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,286 No. No, actually. No. 565 00:31:27,353 --> 00:31:30,022 Because - and this, again, is not a word of a lie - 566 00:31:30,089 --> 00:31:32,124 a few months ago, builder man - 567 00:31:32,191 --> 00:31:34,093 and it must have been a bet - 568 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,963 he went back to the council and he said, 569 00:31:36,963 --> 00:31:38,230 "I need another million quid." 570 00:31:38,297 --> 00:31:39,698 And they paid? 571 00:31:39,765 --> 00:31:42,534 And they paid! They paid! 572 00:31:42,601 --> 00:31:45,337 He probably shuffled in. "I broke me spade." 573 00:31:46,538 --> 00:31:49,308 "Another million?" "Yes, of course. Happy to." 574 00:31:49,375 --> 00:31:51,477 Can I be cross for a moment with BMW? 575 00:31:51,543 --> 00:31:53,279 It'll be difficult to stop you. Yes. 576 00:31:53,345 --> 00:31:56,082 The thing was, last year they introduced this. 577 00:31:56,148 --> 00:31:57,649 They showed... They went, "Look at that." 578 00:31:57,716 --> 00:31:59,585 And everybody went, "That is fantastic!" 579 00:31:59,651 --> 00:32:03,990 It's an homage to the old CSL Batmobile from '72. 580 00:32:03,990 --> 00:32:05,657 Everyone was going, "When will you make it?" 581 00:32:05,724 --> 00:32:08,160 "We're not. It's just to show you what we could make." 582 00:32:08,227 --> 00:32:09,561 Why did they show us? 583 00:32:09,628 --> 00:32:11,097 - Just don't do that! - Yeah, exactly. 584 00:32:11,163 --> 00:32:12,631 Actually, no, it doesn't matter, 585 00:32:12,698 --> 00:32:14,233 because they've come up with something else instead. 586 00:32:14,300 --> 00:32:16,502 This look. This is actually an homage 587 00:32:16,568 --> 00:32:19,371 to the original 2002, which is the old car on the left, 588 00:32:19,438 --> 00:32:22,441 and that, I think, actually looks pretty fab. 589 00:32:22,508 --> 00:32:24,410 -It does. Are they gonna make it? -No. 590 00:32:24,476 --> 00:32:26,178 Well, why show it to us, then? 591 00:32:26,245 --> 00:32:28,014 "Look what we could make but we're not." 592 00:32:28,047 --> 00:32:30,749 It's a good job BMW don't run the emergency services, isn't it? 593 00:32:30,816 --> 00:32:34,520 "Oh, look! You have drifted a long way from shore there, haven't you? 594 00:32:34,586 --> 00:32:36,788 We could drag you back behind our speedboat." 595 00:32:36,855 --> 00:32:40,459 "Will you?" "No. No, we just wanted you to know that we could." 596 00:32:40,526 --> 00:32:42,894 What they're being is prick-teasers. 597 00:32:43,029 --> 00:32:45,031 Oh, you can't say that. 598 00:32:45,031 --> 00:32:46,498 I don't think you can say that. 599 00:32:46,565 --> 00:32:48,267 I'm not sure you can say that. 600 00:32:48,334 --> 00:32:50,036 Can you say "prick-tease"? 601 00:32:50,036 --> 00:32:51,737 - A cock-tease! - Is it allowed today? 602 00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:54,673 "Cock-tease"? That's no different. You've just changed the name! 603 00:32:54,740 --> 00:32:57,176 It's a different way of saying "prick" or "dick". 604 00:32:57,243 --> 00:32:59,545 You could have said "penis tease". It doesn't matter! 605 00:32:59,611 --> 00:33:02,048 Conversation Street's taken a really bad turn. 606 00:33:03,449 --> 00:33:06,918 The point I'm trying to make is BMW must stop doing that. 607 00:33:08,054 --> 00:33:09,621 Whatever... Whatever it was. 608 00:33:09,688 --> 00:33:12,891 Now, if we had a Grand Tour medal, 609 00:33:12,958 --> 00:33:14,493 and we don't, but if we did, 610 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:17,196 I know who the first recipient would be. 611 00:33:17,263 --> 00:33:19,365 Cos we heard this amazing story the other day. 612 00:33:19,431 --> 00:33:20,766 You know speed camera vans? 613 00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:23,169 Sit at the side of the road, blacked out windows, 614 00:33:23,235 --> 00:33:26,438 civil servant sitting inside watching YouPorn. OK? 615 00:33:26,505 --> 00:33:29,775 That's what it is. Waiting for someone to trip his camera. 616 00:33:29,841 --> 00:33:31,077 Now, someone, the other day, 617 00:33:31,143 --> 00:33:34,946 snuck up behind the speed-camera van, 618 00:33:35,081 --> 00:33:37,683 quietly undid its number plates 619 00:33:37,749 --> 00:33:39,585 put them on his own car 620 00:33:39,651 --> 00:33:42,121 and drove past at 100 miles an hour. 621 00:33:42,188 --> 00:33:44,756 I mean... literally the funniest thing ever! 622 00:33:44,823 --> 00:33:46,658 Well done, you, sir. 623 00:33:46,725 --> 00:33:48,094 Top work. 624 00:33:48,127 --> 00:33:49,861 - Absolutely... - I love that. 625 00:33:49,928 --> 00:33:51,563 That is top, top work. 626 00:33:51,630 --> 00:33:53,899 Can I talk about the Alfa Romeo Quadrifoglio? 627 00:33:53,965 --> 00:33:55,167 -No. -Why? 628 00:33:55,234 --> 00:33:56,668 Because we've got to get back to our film. 629 00:33:56,735 --> 00:33:59,171 Tonight we are on a Grand Tour of Italy. 630 00:33:59,238 --> 00:34:00,839 There's James in a Rolls-Royce, 631 00:34:00,906 --> 00:34:02,608 Jeremy in an Aston Martin, 632 00:34:02,674 --> 00:34:05,277 and me in a Dodge Hellcat with two trucks full of tyres 633 00:34:05,344 --> 00:34:07,546 so I can do doughnuts whenever I want. 634 00:34:07,613 --> 00:34:10,015 Yes, and we pick up the action on day two 635 00:34:10,116 --> 00:34:12,818 of what was becoming, thanks to him, 636 00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,121 the journey from hell. 637 00:34:21,127 --> 00:34:23,895 As the sun rose over the silent, 638 00:34:23,962 --> 00:34:26,365 misty Italian countryside... 639 00:34:26,432 --> 00:34:28,634 OK, let's get these out. 640 00:34:30,336 --> 00:34:32,938 ...and Hammond extricated his entourage 641 00:34:33,004 --> 00:34:34,606 from the hotel car park... 642 00:34:38,610 --> 00:34:41,747 ...James lowered the roof on his Rolls-Royce. 643 00:34:45,884 --> 00:34:47,052 -Morning. -Morning. 644 00:34:47,153 --> 00:34:49,155 That is the "silent ballet". 645 00:34:49,188 --> 00:34:51,823 -There's nothing silent about your lorries, Hammond. -No, not those. 646 00:34:51,890 --> 00:34:54,393 That's how Rolls-Royce themselves describe the roof 647 00:34:54,460 --> 00:34:56,061 going up and down, in this, look. 648 00:34:56,162 --> 00:34:58,230 -What, "silent ballet"? -"Silent ballet", that's what they say. 649 00:34:58,297 --> 00:35:02,501 They also talk about "the Dawn provides an erotic tingle on the skin." 650 00:35:02,568 --> 00:35:04,236 -Whoa! -This is all their words. 651 00:35:04,303 --> 00:35:07,072 -Actual Rolls-Royce...? -This is their words. Yeah, this is their bumf. 652 00:35:07,173 --> 00:35:11,677 They also say, "The car is a contemporary take on the casino lifestyle. 653 00:35:11,743 --> 00:35:15,181 It is intended to attract... people." 654 00:35:15,247 --> 00:35:17,716 -What sort of people? -People... 655 00:35:17,783 --> 00:35:19,318 People who put their seatbelts on? 656 00:35:19,385 --> 00:35:22,087 Exactly, people who put their seatbelts on and off 657 00:35:22,188 --> 00:35:25,357 and relish both freedom and sophistication. 658 00:35:25,424 --> 00:35:27,793 -"Casino lifestyle"? -Casino lifestyle. 659 00:35:27,859 --> 00:35:29,094 What? 660 00:35:29,195 --> 00:35:30,329 Can we go? 661 00:35:30,396 --> 00:35:31,797 Have you got your seatbelt on? 662 00:35:37,869 --> 00:35:39,505 We then set off 663 00:35:39,571 --> 00:35:42,674 and decided to do a bit more road testing of our cars. 664 00:35:42,741 --> 00:35:46,412 I began by talking about the Aston Martin's interior. 665 00:35:49,348 --> 00:35:51,317 On the upside, 666 00:35:51,383 --> 00:35:55,221 Aston Martin have reprogrammed the Mercedes electronics 667 00:35:55,254 --> 00:36:00,359 so the warning beeps and buzzers are now less... Germanic. 668 00:36:00,426 --> 00:36:04,263 If you don't put your seatbelt on, for example, you get a discreet cough. 669 00:36:04,330 --> 00:36:07,032 A... ...rather than a klaxon 670 00:36:07,098 --> 00:36:09,268 and somebody shouting, "Achtung!" 671 00:36:10,536 --> 00:36:12,804 On the downside is everything else. 672 00:36:12,871 --> 00:36:16,508 Er... The centrepiece of this dashboard here looks like a... 673 00:36:16,575 --> 00:36:19,345 How can I put this? ...like a lady part. 674 00:36:19,411 --> 00:36:22,648 And then the door lining here, well, it's just hideous. 675 00:36:22,714 --> 00:36:27,353 It look like a footballer's... kitchen worktop. 676 00:36:27,419 --> 00:36:31,623 It's annoying, cos Aston have done such a good job with the rest of this car. 677 00:36:31,690 --> 00:36:33,259 I was staggered 678 00:36:33,325 --> 00:36:35,661 by how good it was at the track yesterday. 679 00:36:35,727 --> 00:36:39,265 And yet, they've let it all down with this ghastly interior. 680 00:36:40,866 --> 00:36:43,602 In the Hellcat, Hank J Hammondberger 681 00:36:43,669 --> 00:36:46,438 hadn't noticed the quality of the fixtures and fittings. 682 00:36:46,505 --> 00:36:50,309 He was too busy playing with the toys. 683 00:36:50,376 --> 00:36:52,778 Oh, now, look at all of this. 684 00:36:52,844 --> 00:36:55,581 Timers, gauges... 685 00:36:56,948 --> 00:36:58,484 Oh. 686 00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:01,653 In my performance mode screen, 687 00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:03,889 I can measure G-forces, braking distance, 688 00:37:03,955 --> 00:37:06,292 reactions times, quarter-mile timer, 689 00:37:06,358 --> 00:37:08,660 eighth-of-a-mile timer, lap history. 690 00:37:08,727 --> 00:37:11,297 It's brilliant! 691 00:37:11,297 --> 00:37:12,831 Irrelevant twaddle. 692 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,935 "Irrelevant twaddle." 693 00:37:17,002 --> 00:37:19,405 Oh, I've just seen my average MPG. 694 00:37:20,439 --> 00:37:21,807 What is it? 695 00:37:21,873 --> 00:37:23,575 6.6. 696 00:37:25,010 --> 00:37:27,679 Six miles to the gallon? 697 00:37:27,746 --> 00:37:30,316 I like to think of it as a healthy appetite. 698 00:37:30,382 --> 00:37:34,353 How many miles to the gallon has your Rolls-Royce been doing, James May? 699 00:37:34,420 --> 00:37:37,723 15.7 in the last 48 hours. 700 00:37:37,789 --> 00:37:41,860 Mine's been doing 21 miles to the gallon. 701 00:37:41,927 --> 00:37:45,030 That's cos it's boring and that's because it's brown! 702 00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:46,965 Oh, no. 703 00:37:47,032 --> 00:37:49,167 And, with that, the road test ended 704 00:37:49,234 --> 00:37:52,237 and another day of Hammond-based irritation began. 705 00:38:00,846 --> 00:38:02,414 It's orange! 706 00:38:03,582 --> 00:38:06,818 You join us at another petrol station. 707 00:38:06,885 --> 00:38:09,755 I don't need any, but guess who does. 708 00:38:09,821 --> 00:38:11,757 This car is excellent for ornithologists. 709 00:38:11,823 --> 00:38:14,360 It's so quiet going along here, I can listen to the birdsong. 710 00:38:17,363 --> 00:38:19,531 Hello, James. 711 00:38:19,598 --> 00:38:21,367 Oh, for God's sake. 712 00:38:21,367 --> 00:38:22,768 Party button! 713 00:38:24,903 --> 00:38:26,605 Stop doing that! 714 00:38:27,806 --> 00:38:29,107 Stop it! 715 00:38:30,876 --> 00:38:33,111 Go away! 716 00:38:33,178 --> 00:38:37,983 I genuinely am worried about the sanity of Chief Inspector Dreyfus. 717 00:38:40,919 --> 00:38:43,188 Many frustrating miles later, 718 00:38:43,254 --> 00:38:46,024 we reached the next stop on our Grand Tour: 719 00:38:46,091 --> 00:38:47,793 the region around Modena, 720 00:38:47,859 --> 00:38:51,897 which is home to three of the world's greatest carmakers. 721 00:38:55,233 --> 00:38:57,035 And, while Hammond sped off 722 00:38:57,102 --> 00:39:00,839 to give his cultural take on Lamborghini's history... 723 00:39:00,906 --> 00:39:04,410 Oh, my God. That is pure filth. 724 00:39:04,476 --> 00:39:05,844 ...James and I went off 725 00:39:05,911 --> 00:39:08,714 to buy a goodbye present for him. 726 00:39:08,780 --> 00:39:12,951 I think scissor doors actually make me horny. 727 00:39:13,018 --> 00:39:15,987 And when he'd finished his Brian Sewell routine... 728 00:39:17,255 --> 00:39:18,957 ...we met up to hand it over. 729 00:39:20,492 --> 00:39:22,728 We have had it done for you. 730 00:39:22,794 --> 00:39:24,329 -It's brilliant! -I know. 731 00:39:24,430 --> 00:39:25,997 It's in the style, actually, 732 00:39:26,064 --> 00:39:30,135 of an 18th-century Italian artist called Pompeo Batoni, 733 00:39:30,201 --> 00:39:31,637 who made a pretty good living 734 00:39:31,703 --> 00:39:35,941 out of painting visiting Americans on the Grand Tour 735 00:39:36,007 --> 00:39:39,445 and making them look like refined, 736 00:39:39,478 --> 00:39:41,713 cultured English gentleman. 737 00:39:41,780 --> 00:39:44,149 Yeah. Think of it as a souvenir of your trip. 738 00:39:44,215 --> 00:39:48,086 Thank you. Except a souvenir is what you get at the end of a trip. 739 00:39:48,153 --> 00:39:51,623 -Yeah, exactly. -Erm... 740 00:39:51,690 --> 00:39:54,693 While Hammond struggled to get the painting in his car 741 00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:56,828 for the long trip back to England... 742 00:39:56,895 --> 00:39:58,530 Er... 743 00:39:58,597 --> 00:40:03,802 ...James and I set off alone into the glory that is Italy. 744 00:40:07,939 --> 00:40:11,209 Oh, my word. Look at that view. 745 00:40:13,311 --> 00:40:15,947 Holy moley! 746 00:40:26,157 --> 00:40:27,659 That evening in Verona, 747 00:40:27,726 --> 00:40:30,962 we dined well at a Michelin-starred restaurant, 748 00:40:31,029 --> 00:40:34,099 and then we went to see something called Carmen, 749 00:40:34,165 --> 00:40:37,335 which wasn't at all what we were expecting. 750 00:40:51,917 --> 00:40:53,819 He hasn't gone home, has he? 751 00:41:03,862 --> 00:41:06,532 The next morning, we were up at first light 752 00:41:06,565 --> 00:41:08,600 to attempt another escape. 753 00:41:10,001 --> 00:41:12,904 James... that's his room. 754 00:41:20,445 --> 00:41:24,115 This has a quiet-start facility on it, but I don't know how it works. 755 00:41:25,350 --> 00:41:26,818 Push it. 756 00:41:27,886 --> 00:41:29,555 I could... It's really quiet. 757 00:41:29,555 --> 00:41:31,256 You start... You'll be all right. 758 00:41:33,458 --> 00:41:35,861 Don't bong! 759 00:41:37,896 --> 00:41:39,865 That's amazing, isn't it? 760 00:41:39,931 --> 00:41:43,434 That's firing 80 times a second, roughly. 761 00:41:43,569 --> 00:41:45,604 Ah, no noise. 762 00:41:45,671 --> 00:41:47,272 I can just drive out of here. 763 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:50,876 Oh, hello! Car trouble? 764 00:41:50,942 --> 00:41:53,311 - Yeah. - Typical Aston, you see! 765 00:41:53,378 --> 00:41:54,479 It's broken down. 766 00:41:54,580 --> 00:41:56,181 You haven't got long to get it going 767 00:41:56,247 --> 00:41:58,584 cos I'll be down again in a second, changed and ready to roll. 768 00:41:58,617 --> 00:41:59,685 Ya-ha! 769 00:42:05,824 --> 00:42:09,394 Whilst Hammond was upstairs, chiselling off his sweat... 770 00:42:10,662 --> 00:42:13,498 ...James and I made a run for it. 771 00:42:13,599 --> 00:42:16,602 And, in case he caught up with us on the motorway, 772 00:42:16,668 --> 00:42:18,604 we took some precautions. 773 00:42:20,606 --> 00:42:24,743 This is the work of a genius. 774 00:42:24,810 --> 00:42:27,312 We are now protected from Mr Hammond completely. 775 00:42:33,885 --> 00:42:37,789 James's head was a bit of a problem with this plan, but we've solved it. 776 00:42:41,459 --> 00:42:44,830 Don't worry if you don't recognise me, viewers. It's me. 777 00:42:44,896 --> 00:42:49,000 The question was, would Richard Hammond recognise him? 778 00:42:49,067 --> 00:42:51,670 Here comes Richard Hammond. Just look straight ahead. 779 00:42:51,737 --> 00:42:53,338 Look straight ahead. 780 00:42:53,404 --> 00:42:55,406 And the answer was... 781 00:42:55,473 --> 00:42:56,842 Not looking. 782 00:42:59,645 --> 00:43:01,412 Oh, God. He's waving at me! 783 00:43:04,549 --> 00:43:06,517 Well, he's clocked us, hasn't he? 784 00:43:06,652 --> 00:43:09,988 I think you're better off getting stone chips than looking like that. 785 00:43:10,989 --> 00:43:13,659 Mayday. Mayday. I'm disintegrating. 786 00:43:16,294 --> 00:43:18,263 Whilst James unwrapped himself 787 00:43:18,329 --> 00:43:21,466 and Richard filled up through his ruined present, 788 00:43:21,532 --> 00:43:24,469 I had another brainwave. 789 00:43:24,535 --> 00:43:27,405 I'm gonna lead him into the centre of Vicenza, yeah? 790 00:43:27,472 --> 00:43:28,940 Yes. 791 00:43:29,007 --> 00:43:31,276 I've sent out a tweet, and I put this on Facebook, 792 00:43:31,342 --> 00:43:35,380 saying that Richard Hammond will be appearing in the main square, OK? 793 00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:37,548 -Yes. -So he gets out. 794 00:43:37,683 --> 00:43:38,717 -He's mobbed. -Yes. 795 00:43:38,784 --> 00:43:41,753 -We scarper, OK? -Very good. I like it. 796 00:43:41,820 --> 00:43:43,421 -Have you done it in Italian? -Yes. 797 00:43:43,488 --> 00:43:46,391 Oh, good. Only thing is, I've made a slight mistake. 798 00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:48,493 I have said here that Richard Hammond will be - 799 00:43:48,559 --> 00:43:52,698 I wanted to say "appearing" but I've put "exhibiting himself". 800 00:43:52,698 --> 00:43:54,165 Well, it'll get a crowd. 801 00:43:59,370 --> 00:44:03,508 Back on the move, I put my plan into action. 802 00:44:03,574 --> 00:44:06,812 I thought we'd turn off the motorway here, Hammond. 803 00:44:06,878 --> 00:44:09,380 Vicenza's got a doughnuting area in it. 804 00:44:09,447 --> 00:44:11,349 Has it? 805 00:44:11,416 --> 00:44:12,918 Yeah, no old statues. 806 00:44:12,984 --> 00:44:17,088 There's Starbucks, McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts. 807 00:44:17,155 --> 00:44:19,190 I'm right, aren't I, James? 808 00:44:19,257 --> 00:44:22,593 I think they've got an American football team, haven't they, in Vicenza? 809 00:44:22,728 --> 00:44:25,964 They have, the Vicenza Red Bears. 810 00:44:26,031 --> 00:44:27,733 OK. 811 00:44:27,733 --> 00:44:29,300 We'll have a little mooch about. 812 00:44:31,369 --> 00:44:34,439 Soon, we were approaching the centre of the town. 813 00:44:35,741 --> 00:44:37,843 I just need a crowd big enough 814 00:44:37,909 --> 00:44:41,479 to keep him occupied for 20 minutes. 815 00:44:41,546 --> 00:44:44,182 I don't know how many people will have read my tweet. 816 00:44:45,483 --> 00:44:46,785 A couple of hundred. 817 00:44:48,754 --> 00:44:51,056 I was nearly right. 818 00:44:54,292 --> 00:44:55,794 Oh, my God. 819 00:45:00,766 --> 00:45:03,034 This has gone really wrong. 820 00:45:04,269 --> 00:45:09,775 -This has gone so spectacularly wrong. -Jeremy! 821 00:45:16,581 --> 00:45:18,116 Oh, my word! 822 00:45:18,183 --> 00:45:19,885 Hello. Is there an event on? 823 00:45:23,021 --> 00:45:24,823 It's Mr Hammond you're looking for. 824 00:45:27,525 --> 00:45:29,394 Mr Hammond is in the Dodge. 825 00:45:31,830 --> 00:45:33,364 Oh, this is unnerving. 826 00:45:34,900 --> 00:45:37,803 Is it always this busy here? What's going on today? 827 00:45:42,340 --> 00:45:45,811 Look at that, we're free, and Hammond is stuck. 828 00:45:48,814 --> 00:45:50,681 Yes. Yes. 829 00:45:50,816 --> 00:45:51,883 We're out. 830 00:45:51,950 --> 00:45:54,219 Hammond is doomed! 831 00:45:54,285 --> 00:45:55,486 He's doomed! 832 00:45:56,988 --> 00:45:58,857 Leaving Hammond in what he thought 833 00:45:58,924 --> 00:46:00,859 was the muscle-car capital of Italy... 834 00:46:03,494 --> 00:46:06,832 They like a rev. They do like a rev here. 835 00:46:06,898 --> 00:46:09,835 ...James and I headed out of town. 836 00:46:09,901 --> 00:46:13,004 Right, good. Venice, 23 miles away. 837 00:46:17,708 --> 00:46:19,644 I think it's fair to say 838 00:46:19,710 --> 00:46:24,449 that this entire trip has been a total disaster. 839 00:46:24,515 --> 00:46:29,720 But the Aston Martin has been the complete opposite. 840 00:46:29,855 --> 00:46:33,558 It was much, much better than I thought it was going to be on the track. 841 00:46:33,624 --> 00:46:37,863 It's staggeringly civilised and quiet on the road. 842 00:46:37,929 --> 00:46:41,466 It really is a superb grand tourer, 843 00:46:41,532 --> 00:46:44,435 and it is achingly pretty. 844 00:46:44,502 --> 00:46:48,273 Especially with this beautiful orange paintwork. 845 00:46:49,875 --> 00:46:53,544 Jeremy may have been won over by his brown Aston, 846 00:46:53,611 --> 00:46:57,015 but I was truly smitten with the Rolls-Royce. 847 00:46:58,049 --> 00:46:59,717 What is it about a Rolls-Royce? 848 00:46:59,784 --> 00:47:03,955 A lot of people would say this isn't a car-lover's car. 849 00:47:04,022 --> 00:47:06,357 It's not sporty, it's not dynamic, 850 00:47:06,424 --> 00:47:07,993 it doesn't have modes for you to set. 851 00:47:08,059 --> 00:47:09,327 You can't even change the gears. 852 00:47:09,394 --> 00:47:12,297 You can only put it in forward or reverse. 853 00:47:12,363 --> 00:47:16,634 And yet, I think this is a car for people who love cars, 854 00:47:16,701 --> 00:47:20,205 because it gives you an entirely different driving experience. 855 00:47:20,271 --> 00:47:23,208 There is no other car that's quite like a Rolls-Royce, 856 00:47:23,274 --> 00:47:26,011 no other car that cossets you in the same way. 857 00:47:26,077 --> 00:47:29,714 This is a car that is kind to you. 858 00:47:29,780 --> 00:47:33,218 I think it is actually impossible to be unhappy if you're driving this car. 859 00:47:33,284 --> 00:47:35,020 And look at what I've had to put up with: 860 00:47:35,086 --> 00:47:36,922 Richard Hammond and Richard Hammond, 861 00:47:36,922 --> 00:47:38,356 Richard Hammond, the Dodge Hellcat, 862 00:47:38,423 --> 00:47:41,927 Richard Hammond, the Dodge Hellcat, and I'm still happy. 863 00:47:44,595 --> 00:47:48,166 As we arrived in Venice, we were in good spirits. 864 00:47:50,035 --> 00:47:51,169 And, the next morning, 865 00:47:51,236 --> 00:47:53,038 we did what all our predecessors 866 00:47:53,104 --> 00:47:55,573 on the Grand Tour would have done. 867 00:47:55,640 --> 00:47:58,309 We took in the sights from the water. 868 00:48:01,746 --> 00:48:03,248 It's so nice without Hammond. 869 00:48:04,515 --> 00:48:05,984 Dinner last night... 870 00:48:06,051 --> 00:48:09,120 Nice to order food without somebody going, "Have you got any chips?" 871 00:48:09,187 --> 00:48:12,557 Yeah. "Where's the ketchup?" 872 00:48:12,623 --> 00:48:15,826 He is never, ever going to get out of that square. I mean never. 873 00:48:15,961 --> 00:48:18,997 I assume he's been crushed to death by now, or torn apart. 874 00:48:21,132 --> 00:48:22,600 Have you seen that? 875 00:48:22,667 --> 00:48:24,369 -Yeah. -What a moron. 876 00:48:24,435 --> 00:48:27,672 An inappropriate brown powerboat. 877 00:48:27,738 --> 00:48:29,074 Orange. 878 00:48:29,140 --> 00:48:31,442 Is that allowed round here? I'm surprised, actually. 879 00:48:33,011 --> 00:48:35,080 Lads! 880 00:48:35,146 --> 00:48:38,883 What a yob. I thought his Hellcat was bad. 881 00:48:38,984 --> 00:48:40,618 Hammond, no. 882 00:48:43,221 --> 00:48:45,590 That's really inappropriate, Hammond. Don't do that. 883 00:48:45,656 --> 00:48:46,824 This is very wobbly. 884 00:48:46,891 --> 00:48:49,494 Don't... Don't do that, Hammond. 885 00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:51,129 Yeah! 886 00:48:51,196 --> 00:48:53,131 Who's hungry? Who's for doughnuts? 887 00:48:53,198 --> 00:48:54,699 Hammond, stop it! 888 00:48:54,765 --> 00:48:56,567 Whoa! 889 00:48:56,634 --> 00:48:59,404 Yah! Water doughnut! 890 00:48:59,470 --> 00:49:00,671 Stop it! 891 00:49:07,812 --> 00:49:10,348 Hammond! Hammond! 892 00:49:15,620 --> 00:49:17,122 What? 893 00:49:18,756 --> 00:49:21,026 Grand Tour. We can do it again next year. 894 00:49:21,092 --> 00:49:23,228 Next year? Do it again next year? 895 00:49:25,796 --> 00:49:28,499 Not only did you knock us into 896 00:49:28,566 --> 00:49:31,602 the sewage-infested waters of Venice... 897 00:49:31,669 --> 00:49:34,772 you cut the present we gave you in half. 898 00:49:34,839 --> 00:49:36,841 No, hang on a minute. No, it was only like 899 00:49:36,907 --> 00:49:39,477 a two-piece jigsaw puzzle, and I put it back together again. 900 00:49:39,544 --> 00:49:41,946 Look, there it is. See? Perfect. 901 00:49:42,047 --> 00:49:43,181 -Hammond? -Yes. 902 00:49:43,248 --> 00:49:47,285 Art galleries do not saw artworks in half 903 00:49:47,352 --> 00:49:49,454 just to get them up the stairs, you moron. 904 00:49:49,520 --> 00:49:51,422 Anyway, listen, before we move on, 905 00:49:51,489 --> 00:49:53,458 can I just say something about that Aston Martin? 906 00:49:53,524 --> 00:49:56,261 Not to wind you two up. I genuinely mean this. 907 00:49:56,327 --> 00:49:57,495 It's an amazing car. 908 00:49:57,562 --> 00:49:59,497 I know the steering wheel is square. 909 00:49:59,564 --> 00:50:00,931 -And it was brown. -Yes. 910 00:50:01,066 --> 00:50:03,068 And I know the interior wasn't very nice, 911 00:50:03,134 --> 00:50:04,735 but, genuinely, it's affected me. 912 00:50:04,802 --> 00:50:07,972 It's been living up here ever since I got back. 913 00:50:08,039 --> 00:50:09,440 And talking of up here, 914 00:50:09,507 --> 00:50:13,544 it's now time to play Celebrity Brain Crash. 915 00:50:20,518 --> 00:50:23,421 Yes, it's time for a top celebrity 916 00:50:23,488 --> 00:50:26,991 to try their hand at our fearsome test of skill, 917 00:50:27,058 --> 00:50:29,294 co-ordination and observation. 918 00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:32,029 Now, so far, I should explain, 919 00:50:32,097 --> 00:50:35,333 no celebrity has actually made it to the tent. 920 00:50:35,400 --> 00:50:36,734 No, they've all died. 921 00:50:36,801 --> 00:50:40,271 Yes, but our fingers are crossed for this week, 922 00:50:40,338 --> 00:50:43,274 because our guest is a huge star. 923 00:50:43,341 --> 00:50:46,344 You'll have seen him in Mission Impossible, 924 00:50:46,411 --> 00:50:50,515 Star Trek, Shaun Of The Dead,Hot Fuzz, 925 00:50:50,581 --> 00:50:53,251 and he's here to talk about his new movie - 926 00:50:53,318 --> 00:50:55,320 Spielberg movie - Ready Player One . 927 00:50:55,386 --> 00:50:58,456 Ladies and gentlemen, we've got Simon Pegg! 928 00:51:02,026 --> 00:51:04,329 And there he is. 929 00:51:04,395 --> 00:51:07,365 There he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his Cornetto. 930 00:51:07,432 --> 00:51:08,899 Always a Cornetto. 931 00:51:08,966 --> 00:51:12,370 He's battled aliens, he's battled zombies, 932 00:51:12,437 --> 00:51:14,038 he should have no problem at all 933 00:51:14,139 --> 00:51:16,474 with a short stroll through this pretty little town. 934 00:51:16,541 --> 00:51:18,976 Of all his films, it's Paul that I like best. 935 00:51:19,043 --> 00:51:22,180 -I think that stands out. - Paul was the forerunner of Ted, really. 936 00:51:22,247 --> 00:51:24,149 -It was. -It was first. It came first. 937 00:51:24,215 --> 00:51:27,518 Hot Fuzz . It's Hot Fuzz for me, just because of the fight scenes. 938 00:51:27,585 --> 00:51:29,587 There he is. He's on the bridge. 939 00:51:29,654 --> 00:51:32,423 - It looks like he's being hassled by seagulls. 940 00:51:32,490 --> 00:51:34,925 They're after his Cornetto, I think. 941 00:51:34,992 --> 00:51:36,461 Yeah, they're after his... Oh! 942 00:51:38,363 --> 00:51:40,765 Oh! 943 00:51:40,831 --> 00:51:42,333 Oh, God. 944 00:51:42,400 --> 00:51:44,169 There's literally nothing we can do. 945 00:51:44,169 --> 00:51:45,570 We're gonna get a reputation. 946 00:51:47,172 --> 00:51:48,439 Does that mean he's not coming on then? 947 00:51:48,506 --> 00:51:50,408 Well, James... 948 00:51:50,475 --> 00:51:54,379 ...he fell into the harbour, and the icy North Sea waters are now filling his lungs. 949 00:51:54,445 --> 00:51:56,781 It's a no. He's not coming on. 950 00:51:56,847 --> 00:51:58,416 Oh, God... 951 00:52:00,251 --> 00:52:02,420 Well, look, I... 952 00:52:02,487 --> 00:52:05,190 -Oh. -I anticipated something like this. 953 00:52:05,256 --> 00:52:06,757 -Did you? -Yes. 954 00:52:06,824 --> 00:52:09,960 And so I prepared something else we can do to fill the time. 955 00:52:10,027 --> 00:52:16,000 It's this. You know Google have been trying to build a self-driving car? 956 00:52:16,066 --> 00:52:17,568 For seven years they've been at it. 957 00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:20,271 We've got a picture of it. It's absolutely hideous. 958 00:52:20,338 --> 00:52:22,540 I was thinking, "Well, how hard can it be?" 959 00:52:22,607 --> 00:52:24,309 - Oh, God. 960 00:52:24,375 --> 00:52:26,344 Ten days ago I thought, "I'll give it a bash," okay? 961 00:52:26,411 --> 00:52:28,045 And I've already finished it. 962 00:52:28,112 --> 00:52:29,414 -Have you? -Yes, it's here. 963 00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:30,615 -Is it? -Yes, it's here. 964 00:52:30,681 --> 00:52:32,483 Let's bring it out. It's phone-operated. 965 00:52:32,550 --> 00:52:34,552 -So, erm... Hang on. Just set.... -What? 966 00:52:34,619 --> 00:52:37,121 No, here it comes. Right, forwards. 967 00:52:37,222 --> 00:52:38,223 Forwards. 968 00:52:38,256 --> 00:52:39,657 Please try not to be distracted 969 00:52:39,724 --> 00:52:43,428 by the harrowing scenes... of... 970 00:52:43,494 --> 00:52:46,397 Left, left. Straight. 971 00:52:46,464 --> 00:52:49,734 ...the harrowing scenes of Simon's lifeless corpse 972 00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:52,102 being fished from the harbour. 973 00:52:52,237 --> 00:52:54,239 I know that's upsetting for some people. 974 00:52:54,305 --> 00:52:57,308 Right, we need to make a bit of a a hole in the crowd back here, 975 00:52:57,375 --> 00:52:59,477 cos I'm gonna bring it into the tent studio 976 00:52:59,544 --> 00:53:01,512 so you can see how brilliant I've been. 977 00:53:01,579 --> 00:53:03,348 Forwards. 978 00:53:03,414 --> 00:53:06,251 - Really? - That is brilliant! 979 00:53:06,284 --> 00:53:08,253 -It's... -Cheer, everybody. 980 00:53:09,820 --> 00:53:12,990 Left. Left. Left. 981 00:53:13,057 --> 00:53:15,260 -It's hideous! -Left. Forwards. 982 00:53:16,594 --> 00:53:20,731 -It's... So, hold on. -Stop. Stop. 983 00:53:20,798 --> 00:53:22,967 It's not brilliant. It's hideous, is what it is. 984 00:53:23,033 --> 00:53:24,302 How can you say it's hideous? 985 00:53:24,369 --> 00:53:26,771 I've copied Google's styling completely. 986 00:53:26,837 --> 00:53:30,275 Is that a septic tank? 987 00:53:30,275 --> 00:53:31,842 Yes, it is. 988 00:53:31,909 --> 00:53:35,045 Cut in half, and then I've mounted on the top 989 00:53:35,112 --> 00:53:36,414 this chaise longue, 990 00:53:36,481 --> 00:53:38,783 so the owner can recline in great comfort. 991 00:53:38,849 --> 00:53:41,619 Yeah, yeah. How does it actually work? 992 00:53:41,686 --> 00:53:42,587 Brilliantly. 993 00:53:42,653 --> 00:53:44,855 Down here, a very small little camera. 994 00:53:44,922 --> 00:53:49,294 That feeds a view of the road ahead to the system inside. 995 00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:51,496 -What system? -Well, there's a bonnet here. 996 00:53:51,562 --> 00:53:54,198 Come round, I'll show you the... the gubbins. Ready? 997 00:53:54,299 --> 00:53:56,501 There it is. 998 00:53:56,567 --> 00:53:58,703 Well, it's just a man! 999 00:53:58,769 --> 00:54:00,738 -It's just a man in there! -It isn't. 1000 00:54:01,939 --> 00:54:02,740 It is! 1001 00:54:06,311 --> 00:54:08,313 No. No. 1002 00:54:10,681 --> 00:54:13,684 It's not just a man. This is a Romanian man. 1003 00:54:15,019 --> 00:54:18,323 I am providing employment for newcomers to our country. 1004 00:54:18,356 --> 00:54:20,458 -Oh, God. -What do you mean, "Oh, God"? 1005 00:54:20,525 --> 00:54:22,493 Think about it. Google, yes? 1006 00:54:22,560 --> 00:54:26,464 Google, they use electronics to take away the work of a man. 1007 00:54:26,531 --> 00:54:29,567 This gives him a job, it gives him dignity. 1008 00:54:29,634 --> 00:54:32,136 -Dignity? -Yes, dignity. 1009 00:54:32,202 --> 00:54:33,738 It's a bit feudal, isn't it? 1010 00:54:33,804 --> 00:54:36,574 It's a bit brilliant is what it is. Let me close the bonnet. 1011 00:54:36,641 --> 00:54:38,343 I'm gonna go for my first-ever drive. 1012 00:54:38,376 --> 00:54:40,177 I'll go to t'foot of our stairs here, 1013 00:54:40,244 --> 00:54:42,146 which is a Yorkshire expression. 1014 00:54:42,212 --> 00:54:45,850 The great thing is, it's so easy to get in and out of, you know. 1015 00:54:45,916 --> 00:54:47,117 Look, there I am. 1016 00:54:48,886 --> 00:54:52,423 -Now I don't need the phone. I can use my speaking tube. -Oh, God! 1017 00:54:53,458 --> 00:54:54,692 There's a man in there! 1018 00:54:54,759 --> 00:54:57,027 What's Romanian for "backwards"? 1019 00:54:57,094 --> 00:54:58,496 ?napoi, I think. 1020 00:54:58,563 --> 00:55:01,198 ?napoi. It is, obviously. It's bilingual. 1021 00:55:01,265 --> 00:55:02,700 This is evil! 1022 00:55:02,767 --> 00:55:05,603 Google hasn't made it work, I have. 1023 00:55:05,670 --> 00:55:07,938 ?na... Backwards. I'll just stick to English. 1024 00:55:08,005 --> 00:55:09,840 Backwards. Backwards. 1025 00:55:11,275 --> 00:55:13,511 Thank you so much. 1026 00:55:13,578 --> 00:55:16,947 British engineering, ladies and gentlemen, 1027 00:55:17,014 --> 00:55:19,484 with Romanian parts. 1028 00:55:19,550 --> 00:55:22,219 What a combination that is. 1029 00:55:22,286 --> 00:55:24,021 Shit! Ah, my head! 1030 00:55:29,193 --> 00:55:30,828 Yep. Whatever. 1031 00:55:32,430 --> 00:55:36,000 -Anyway, I'm glad he's gone. -So am I. 1032 00:55:36,066 --> 00:55:39,637 No, I'm particularly glad because of what's coming up next. 1033 00:55:39,704 --> 00:55:42,673 Oh, yes! Yes. Now, right at the beginning of this series, 1034 00:55:42,740 --> 00:55:46,110 Jeremy Clarkson said, when we were at a race track in Portugal - 1035 00:55:46,176 --> 00:55:48,145 and he said it on the television - 1036 00:55:48,212 --> 00:55:50,948 that if his McLaren P1 wasn't faster 1037 00:55:51,015 --> 00:55:54,485 than Hammond's Porsche 918 or my Ferrari The Ferrari, 1038 00:55:54,552 --> 00:55:56,320 we could knock his house down. 1039 00:55:56,421 --> 00:55:57,888 Well, it wasn't, 1040 00:55:57,955 --> 00:56:01,258 so, one weekend when Jeremy was away, we... 1041 00:56:01,325 --> 00:56:02,893 Well, roll the tape. 1042 00:56:04,429 --> 00:56:05,963 This is it, 1043 00:56:06,030 --> 00:56:10,735 200 years old and built from beautiful Cotswold stone. 1044 00:56:10,801 --> 00:56:12,670 Now, I want to make it absolutely clear 1045 00:56:12,737 --> 00:56:15,873 that this is Jeremy Clarkson's actual house. 1046 00:56:15,940 --> 00:56:18,776 Yeah, it really is. I'd swear to my children's lives on that. 1047 00:56:18,843 --> 00:56:21,846 It's Jeremy's house. He bought it when he fell in love with the view. 1048 00:56:21,912 --> 00:56:23,614 It is a lovely view, actually. 1049 00:56:23,681 --> 00:56:26,684 It is. It'll be even better soon, without a house in it. 1050 00:56:29,153 --> 00:56:31,556 Our plan was to smash the place down 1051 00:56:31,622 --> 00:56:34,324 with some big demolition equipment. 1052 00:56:34,459 --> 00:56:35,760 But there was a problem. 1053 00:56:40,164 --> 00:56:43,133 In this country, you can't knock a house down 1054 00:56:43,200 --> 00:56:46,671 if the council find evidence of bats living in it. 1055 00:56:46,737 --> 00:56:48,639 Well, they did, and now we've been told 1056 00:56:48,706 --> 00:56:51,809 we've got to take the roof off, quietly and by hand, 1057 00:56:51,876 --> 00:56:55,379 to give the bats the chance to go and live elsewhere. 1058 00:56:55,480 --> 00:56:58,949 James, I can't help but notice I am doing all of the work here. 1059 00:56:59,016 --> 00:57:01,619 Yeah, you're gonna have to. I don't like it. 1060 00:57:01,686 --> 00:57:05,790 It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate. Climb it! 1061 00:57:05,856 --> 00:57:08,526 Not if you're me, it's not. How many bats are there? 1062 00:57:08,593 --> 00:57:09,594 -One. -One? 1063 00:57:09,660 --> 00:57:11,762 -Yes, a bat. -Just kill it. 1064 00:57:11,829 --> 00:57:13,498 We'll go to prison, mate. We can't. 1065 00:57:13,531 --> 00:57:15,800 Just because that little winged-mouse bastard 1066 00:57:15,866 --> 00:57:18,302 is hanging upside down in there, feeling smug with himself 1067 00:57:18,368 --> 00:57:20,705 cos I'm up this ladder, we can't knock the house down? 1068 00:57:20,771 --> 00:57:23,708 We've got to do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it. 1069 00:57:23,774 --> 00:57:26,611 Hammond, I hate... I hate heights. You know I do. 1070 00:57:26,677 --> 00:57:28,713 I hate ladders, I hate bats. 1071 00:57:30,380 --> 00:57:31,649 Many hours later, 1072 00:57:31,716 --> 00:57:35,019 and with no help at all from Spider-Man, 1073 00:57:35,085 --> 00:57:39,023 the roof was finally off and the bat was free to move. 1074 00:57:39,089 --> 00:57:40,124 But would it? 1075 00:57:40,190 --> 00:57:42,059 Why doesn't it go and live in there? 1076 00:57:42,126 --> 00:57:44,394 Because, let's be honest, that's perfect if you're a bat. 1077 00:57:44,529 --> 00:57:48,833 Yeah, well, it might, but it's got to decide to do so. 1078 00:57:48,899 --> 00:57:51,435 -Can we encourage it? -Yes, James. 1079 00:57:51,536 --> 00:57:55,806 Why don't you go and stand in that barn and squeak in a sultry and erotic manner? 1080 00:57:58,609 --> 00:58:00,911 That night, Spider-Man stood in the barn, 1081 00:58:00,978 --> 00:58:03,748 squeaking in a sultry and erotic manner... 1082 00:58:05,750 --> 00:58:08,919 ...and the bat eventually succumbed. 1083 00:58:08,986 --> 00:58:11,722 So, the next morning, we were ready to go. 1084 00:58:27,838 --> 00:58:31,141 This thing really works! This rocks! 1085 00:58:31,208 --> 00:58:32,409 Oh, my word! 1086 00:58:32,476 --> 00:58:35,880 At this rate, we'd be done and dusted in no time. 1087 00:58:35,946 --> 00:58:39,283 However, my finickity colleague had an issue. 1088 00:58:40,851 --> 00:58:42,286 -Hammond! -What? 1089 00:58:42,352 --> 00:58:43,854 -Stop! -What? 1090 00:58:43,921 --> 00:58:44,755 Stop! 1091 00:58:44,822 --> 00:58:46,323 You don't just smash it to pieces. 1092 00:58:46,390 --> 00:58:49,059 You're supposed to dismantle it and leave it in neat piles. 1093 00:58:49,126 --> 00:58:51,729 It's got to be tidied up. You can't leave it like that. 1094 00:58:51,796 --> 00:58:54,431 It's actually quicker if you do it methodically. 1095 00:58:54,498 --> 00:58:56,266 Oh, God. Only you would say that! 1096 00:58:56,333 --> 00:58:58,603 You want neat piles of bits that can be carted away. 1097 00:58:58,636 --> 00:59:01,105 You need to work on that bit and that bit to start with, 1098 00:59:01,171 --> 00:59:02,940 then the rest falls neatly into a heap. 1099 00:59:03,007 --> 00:59:05,109 How can you make even this boring? 1100 00:59:05,175 --> 00:59:07,477 It's not boring. It's the way... I've watched it done. 1101 00:59:07,612 --> 00:59:10,314 That's how you do it. You don't just smash it. I'll do it. 1102 00:59:11,682 --> 00:59:14,952 James then commandeered my machine... 1103 00:59:15,019 --> 00:59:17,922 so I got another one and carried on regardless. 1104 00:59:19,423 --> 00:59:20,725 And bang! 1105 00:59:26,263 --> 00:59:28,498 Ah! I've got it! 1106 00:59:33,470 --> 00:59:36,340 Oh, it's like winning one of those things at the fair. 1107 00:59:36,406 --> 00:59:40,077 Thanks to me, at least, progress was being made. 1108 00:59:40,144 --> 00:59:40,945 However... 1109 00:59:41,011 --> 00:59:44,148 I'm stuck on something. 1110 00:59:47,284 --> 00:59:53,123 Oh! Oh, I've broken my digger. Oh, dear. 1111 00:59:53,190 --> 00:59:56,961 With me out of action and James achieving nothing, 1112 00:59:57,027 --> 00:59:58,963 a new approach was needed. 1113 00:59:59,029 --> 01:00:01,131 But first, we had to clear the site 1114 01:00:01,198 --> 01:00:03,768 of Jeremy's most treasured possessions. 1115 01:00:05,069 --> 01:00:05,936 Shakira. 1116 01:00:07,171 --> 01:00:08,038 Shakira. 1117 01:00:09,606 --> 01:00:10,675 Shakira. 1118 01:00:14,144 --> 01:00:15,913 Oh! 1119 01:00:15,980 --> 01:00:19,283 That is a... strong image. 1120 01:00:19,349 --> 01:00:23,287 It's a tiny doll with pins in it, and your face. 1121 01:00:26,691 --> 01:00:30,027 Look, this is his photo album. It's probably really precious. 1122 01:00:31,595 --> 01:00:33,363 -Oh, it's a bit disturbing. -What? 1123 01:00:37,935 --> 01:00:40,470 -They're all of me. -Yep. 1124 01:00:40,537 --> 01:00:45,442 At this point, we decided not to clear the site of his treasured possessions 1125 01:00:45,509 --> 01:00:47,812 and moved swiftly to plan B. 1126 01:00:48,846 --> 01:00:51,148 Short ceremony, say a few words? 1127 01:00:51,215 --> 01:00:52,249 Nah. 1128 01:01:12,870 --> 01:01:14,939 - That... - That got it. 1129 01:01:25,115 --> 01:01:26,383 Done. 1130 01:01:29,219 --> 01:01:30,821 So, let's just get this straight. 1131 01:01:31,822 --> 01:01:34,091 You blew up... 1132 01:01:34,158 --> 01:01:36,326 that picture of me on the horse? 1133 01:01:36,393 --> 01:01:37,594 -Yep. -Yep. 1134 01:01:37,661 --> 01:01:39,764 Yep. 1135 01:01:39,797 --> 01:01:43,433 And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. Thanks for watching. 1136 01:01:43,500 --> 01:01:44,634 See you next week. 1137 01:01:44,769 --> 01:01:46,236 Good night! 97046