All language subtitles for The Grand Tour.S02E11 - Feed the World.WEB.H264-DEFLATE - mm

*THE GRAND TOUR*
Season 02 Episode 11
Title: "Feed the World"

Welcome.

Now, a couple of months ago,

we were sitting around,
wondering what we should do

for this, the last programme
in the series.

Yeah. I said we should build a car
that's also an aircraft carrier.

Yeah, I wanted to
fire a car into space.

But then we decided that
what we should actually do,

because neither of those
things were ambitious enough,

was end world hunger.

Yeah. It's a big job.

Yeah, it's not the sort of thing
that we could achieve in 20 minutes

with a couple of guests and a bit
of idle chit-chat in-between.

No. We were going to need
the whole show.

So settle back now as we take The
Grand Tour on a mini special

to the poverty-stricken
but beautiful country

of Mozambique.

This is the village of Bingo
in the west of the country.

The people here
are not starving,

but they are very poor.

Jesus here has to exist on
a diet of miserable gruel,

which is fine for silly rich
women in London and New York.

But food like this makes the average
red-blooded African man very sad.

And that's odd,
because just 200 miles away

things are very different.

This is Mozambique's
capital city, Maputo.

And the people here are
well-nourished and happy

because they live
by the ocean...

which is full of fish.

And that got us wondering.

How hard can it be...

to get the fish from here to that
village we were looking at earlier?

Yeah. Now, this isn't
a very wealthy country.

- In fact, it's a poor country.
- Desperately poor.

Desperately poor.
So they don't have

refrigerated trucks,
all that kind of stuff.

No, but we're talking about 200 miles.
That's London to Leeds, isn't it?

It's nothing
to get this there.

I'm telling you, when
we get this sorted out,

when we move these fish
to Bingo,

there'll be Nobel Prizes
in it for us.

- And I'd be Boutros Boutros-May.
- Yes.

And I'd be Ban Ki-Hammond.

- What? Oh, Ban Ki.
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go for a knighthood...
- Do it. Why not?

- Beat David Beckham to it.
- That'd go down well.

Unfortunately, having agreed
that we would end world hunger

by moving fish
across Mozambique,

we couldn't agree on how
this might be achieved.

So we ended up
with different solutions.

This is what I came up with -
a 1984 Mercedes wagon,

a car famous throughout Africa
for its rugged dependability.

However, I have modified it
extensively.

In the back, filling up all of
the back, is a Perspex tank.

What I'm going to do
is fill that with sea water

and then put the fishes
in there

and they will stay alive

as I make my way inland.

Now, you can't get fish fresher than fishes
that are still swimming around in the sea.

I have been clever.

Very clever.

Not as clever as me.

Because for the first time
in my entire life,

I've made a sensible
decision. I've gone for this.

It's a pick-up truck that
Nissan named after me.

It's called the Hardbody.

It's got tons of space in the back
for cod and bream and sticklebacks.

And it has four-wheel drive, which
I reckon is going to be essential,

because - and James hasn't
realised this -

it's the rainy season
in Mozambique,

so I reckon the roads
are gonna be... hell.

Hammond, meanwhile,
hadn't been clever at all.

What do you think of that?

- Well, I think it's a... motorcycle.
- Yes, it is.

Specifically,
it's a TVS Star HLX E5

and I've just bought this
brand new from a supermarket

for 800 quid.

Brand spankers.

Hammond,
this is not a quality item.

It's built down to a budget,
isn't it? You can feel that.

Is it a 1,000cc?

- No, 100.
- What?

- 100cc.
- How many cylinders? Four?

- One.
- One?

That one. -So how much
horsepower has it got?

- Seven. Seven.
- Seven?

But it's light, it's agile.

These things are
actually built in India

specifically to be used
in Africa.

They are!

They're built in India
specifically for use in Africa...

It's too poor to be used
in India.

I can see why the Indians
don't want it.

It's rugged, it's tough, it can
go off-road if we need to.

- It can do anything.
- But what it can't do, Hammond,

is transport
a large amount of fish.

Exactly what I was thinking.
If I wanted a pizza delivery,

this is the sort of
thing...

I've thought about this.
Let me explain my idea.

This is my genius. What they do
here is dry the fish in the wind

cos it lasts longer.

Is that fish? -That's
fish, drying in the wind.

- It looks like cats.
- No, it's fish!

I'm gonna build a rack like
that, fit it to the back,

and then I'll dry the fish
as I go along.

It's brilliant!

That is literally the stupidest
idea I've ever heard of.

What are you gonna do, sling your fish
in your pick-up and watch them rot?

Ah! No. Actually,
I have a plan on that.

But I do need your help.

Jeremy's plan was
to break into a hotel

in the dead of night
and do a burglary.

You're not gonna...
You're gonna have to tilt it!

You're gonna have to tilt it!

Ow! Ow!

Right, back!

There!

- Why is it so heavy?
- Ssh!

There's a lot of gubbins
in it.

The next morning,
we all met up on the beach

and I set about fitting the hotel's
ice machine to my Hardbody.

Right, so I need a bucket of water above
the height of the stolen ice machine

from which the Solenoid ice machine can get
the supply that it can convert into ice.

Oh, yeah.

Generator in place.

Water tank in place.

Meanwhile, Hammond was
building his fish rack...

and May was filling his
Macquarium with sea water.

How much is your car going
to weigh when it's full?

An extra 700.

- Tons?
- No, kilograms.

- So it's at 0.7 of a ton...
- Yeah, extra.

- Extra. And he's parked it...
- On sand. Wet sand.

- Wet sand.
- But the fish aren't heavy.

Tyre. Look at the tyre.

The tide is
definitely coming in.

With the Indian Ocean
nibbling at his back end,

James's tank
was eventually full.

I need to get this going as quick as
possible. You lot out of the way!

He's not gonna do it.

Bollocks!

I need a tow! Tow!

Try!

It won't do it. It's only got
104 horsepower.

Get the truck!

Get your four-by-four,
please,

and tow me
the first 20 yards.

That's what you've got it
for! Get it in front!

He's really shouting at me.

I don't respond well
to shouting. I like calmness.

- Can you help?
- Yep.

- What's the matter?
- I want a tow!

You've got a four-by-four. Put it there.
Just tow me a bit.

I helped you nick
the ice-making machine.

Do something in return.
You're still not doing it!

I am.

This is me saving James May.

It's not ideal, but...

Jeremy, he's ready!

Keep going!

What is that noise?

That's my gearbox.

No, no! Stop!

Oh, you pillock!

Hammond,
there's a really bad noise...

I dropped him right where
the sewage is.

- OK.
- There's a terrible noise.

Coming from the bottom
of my gear lever

when it's underload,
pulling him.

- What is that?
- That clicking metallic...

- Could you hear it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dunno. Honestly don't know.

Thank you. But you were
supposed to do it gently.

- That's what I was shouting.
- My car is broken.

- Well...
- Mine's not, fortunately.

- How did that happen?
- You did it.

You might have holed his radiator.
We haven't had a look yet.

- When I said "Stop", you accelerated.
- Yeah, that did happen.

The noise of my
disintegrating gearbox

was drowning you out.

I didn't know your gearbox
was disintegrating.

- It is now.
- Radiator and fan are OK.

I knew they were. I judged it
to perfection. -Course you did.

Once we'd replaced the
water James was now wearing,

we were ready to go
and catch some fish,

using local methods that
we didn't really understand.

So far as we could tell, we
had to put James in the sea

with one end of the rope,

and then Hammond and I had to
row about,

dropping off a net
as we went.

And pull!

Arg!

Jesus Christ!

There's been an accident!

Row the boat, you idle sods!

Hold on, James, we'll be...

This is how they do it here.

No, that's the wrong way.
Gotta go the other way.

Oh, shit, I'm on
the wrong side!

Turn it. Oh hell!

As Hammond and I were struggling
to get into a rhythm...

Hang on, hang on.
The oar's come out.

And, as it turned out, the
Indian Ocean wasn't that deep...

Where has all the sea gone?

We decided to push
the boat instead.

Any minute now we're going
to start fishing.

I think this might
actually be working.

If they can just get
themselves back to here,

we've got two ends of a net,

pull it in full of fish.

Arg! Shit!

I've caught myself
in the net!

Oh, shit!

After this calamity...

- Hammond, get it!
- I can't get it!

We decided that
we'd be better off

in the boat after all.

And soon we'd worked our way
back to James.

- God!
- Come on!

We're coming. Right, anchor.

Right. Dropping anchor.

What we do is, we pull it in,

and then, as the net comes
towards us...

it fills up with fish.

So is that the other end
of it?

This is my end,
the beginning end.

- Where's the other end?
- At the back of your boat.

This is the other end,
isn't it?

Hold on. No, wait.
This is the other end.

But that's also
the other end.

This is the other end!

Once we'd established
that somehow

our rope had three ends,
we began hauling in the net.

Behold the sparkling treasure
of the seas!

What we've achieved -
not only solving world hunger

but mastering fishing
in a single day.

Have you ever seen
Bono do this?

- Angelina Jolie?
- No.

Both of them well respected
for their charitable work.

I haven't seen them
in the sea hauling nets.

Or David Beckham.

Eventually our catch
was on board.

We've got eight plus one
that got out in the boat.

And, to make matters worse...

There's a big squall coming.

Yep, I can see it.
That'll be it.

Urgh! It's getting
quite hairy out here now.

We're all on board.

You can't row in this.

If we lift up the anchor,

the wind will blow us
onto the shore.

That's good.

Or we might just miss it
and end up in Madagascar.

Or Somalia.

- Yeah.
- What's Madagascar like?

- Better than Somalia.
- Yeah.

Faced with the prospect of
being kidnapped by pirates...

we bravely decided to
abandon the boat we'd borrowed

and the fish we'd caught, and
hitch a ride back to the harbour

with the film crew.

Oh, bollocks!

The next day, though,
things started to look up.

We went off fishing
this morning,

before the camera crews
were up,

and we've had a much more
successful morning, much more.

This is the result.

I caught the dorado by hand,
in fact.

That was quite a wrestling match.
I remember watching that.

I was hauling these in
at the time, all of them.

Anyway, we've got a lot of
fish that we caught ourselves,

without the crew,
early this morning.

And now it was time to load them
into our fish transportation vehicles.

That is an octopus, look.

You can see its face,

the surprise from when James
wrestled it. Look at that.

With a cheese sauce, got a
thermidor going on right there.

They will be kept succulent
and fresh

for the journey to Bingo.

Right, come on, matey.
In the big tank.

You'll like it
with your mates.

Hey, hey, hey! Look at that!

Sorry, mate. Sorry.

Sorry. Oh, he's sandy.

Oh, bollocks.

I'll rinse him off.
There you go.

He's OK.

So it goes in its mouth
and out of its anus?

No. It'll go in its mouth

and then I imagine
out of its gill.

No, it needs to go through its anus,
then it goes through its whole body.

It goes through the gill, not threaded
all the way through the fish!

If I were to dry you... -Can
somebody come and open the lid?

- No, I'm busy with him.
- Open the lid!

Oh, yeah.

- Admire.
- Now what do you do?

Hang it on here.

Eventually the loading
and the hanging were complete

and we were ready.

OK, it's time now...

Nobody's ever said this
on a car show before.

To save the world.

There you go.

Right, forward into saving
the world. This is it.

Oh, my God! Oh. Oh.

Stupid...
What the hell is...?

Oh, Lord above!

What manner of thing
is happening here?

Still, could be worse.

Oh, it's steering me,
I'm not steering it.

It is steering me! Oh!

Ladies and gentlemen, it
is with great... -

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is with great...

It is with great pride
and humility

that I accept this award
for... Urgh!

Ah, Tarmac!

That's better!

Our mercy mission would
take us through the city of Maputo

and then 200 miles north,
to the tiny village of Bingo.

The great thing about
this particular vehicle

is that it has a 3.2-litre
four-cylinder diesel engine.

That's a great deal of power,
it'll get me there quickly.

This is what Angelina and Bob
Geldof and Bono don't realise.

It's all very well singing
songs and adopting children.

What you actually need is
a big, powerful engine,

and that's what I've got
in my Hardbody.

Everybody I pass, you can see the
light dawning in their eyes.

"Why didn't we
think of that?"

Every morning in future there'll
be a fleet of fishing boats

coming in to shore here

and a fleet of these bikes

waiting to collect the fish

and transport it inland,

And it's what, 200 miles?

I reckon on a bike,
a good rider could get in

two or even three fish trips
a day.

See, it's brilliant,
isn't it?

Yeah. It's a brilliant idea!

You're gonna want to do it!
It's a great business!

Yeah, you see!
This is like Lions' Den,

Dragons' Den, whatever.
The Den.

That show with Alan Sugar on.

He means Donald Trump.

Temperatures and pressures
are OK.

Tank is full of water.

Quick look at my fish.
Yes, there's one.

He's looking pretty happy.
Why wouldn't he be? He's in the sea.

He doesn't know
he's in a car.

Fish are not, you know...

They don't have
a big intellect.

Overtaking
the Leaning Bus of Pisa!

So here we are.
We've done 40 miles already.

We're on a velvet-smooth,
almost Austrian road,

heading towards Bingo.

We should be there
in a couple of hours.

Easiest thing I've ever done.
Easiest.

In fact, since things
were going so smoothly,

I decided to amuse myself.

Ready, steady and
brake-testing James May.

Git!

You're not helping with
the transport of my fish.

This is supposed to be
a group effort.

Don't be
such a petulant child.

Oh, someone's fallen over in the road.
Nothing I can do.

A few miles further on,
though,

the smooth Tarmac ran out.

And because Hammond had
rejected my anus suggestion

and used gills instead,

it caused him some problems.

Hammond, you just
lost 90% of your fish.

Oh, no, did I?

Oh, he's lost another one!

I've just run over
a fish. Should I worry?

Oh, mate, you're gonna be
running over more than one.

Hammond is losing them
at a rate of knots.

Two more just went there,
Hammond.

Oh, God!

And another one.

He's gonna have...
And another one.

No fish at all.
And another.

This fish delivery was
supposed to be targeted.

What you're doing is carpet-bombing
Mozambique with bream.

It's the principle
I'm proving.

I'm not trying
to feed them all in one go.

I'm trying to show them
how to feed themselves.

What a blithering idiot.

The inside of the
windscreen's filthy

because of... dollops of
sea water hitting it.

I'm delighted to say
it's now spitting with rain,

which of course is filling up
my water bucket.

That's the sort of recycling that
will leave Prince Charles breathless.

When I go for my knighthood, he'll
probably bring it up, I should imagine.

What gave
you the idea of recycling?

I think this is so inventive,
it really is.

- Urgh!
- Sorry.

No point drying them if you're
gonna soak them! -Sorry.

Argh!

Sorry, Hammond.
Did some of that go on you?

What's the point of me drying
fish if you then get them wet in a puddle?

It was still another
150 miles to Bingo.

But we were confident
that even on these roads,

we'd get there by nightfall.

Soon, though, the going
started to get much worse.

Not so good.

Steady, steady.

Shit!

That's a massive rut. Oh, no!

Argh!

Come on!

Hammond cannot possibly
make this.

Oh, no! Not again!

It's getting quite struggly
now for him.

But actually it was the
ruggedly dependable Mercedes

that was the first to crack.

That was going well.

What's the matter, May?

It cut out when I went
through the puddle.

Getting water on something
or in something.

I'm trying to work out
what I can do about that.

Nothing.

However, because we were
all working as a team,

we had to wait until
his engine dried out.

Right, let's go.

Sadly, though,
this wasn't a one-off.

Hang on a minute. It's killed it.
Give it a minute, it'll go.

Bugger!

What's the news?
Is your car working or not?

I've got to wait for
a minute and a half.

Why did you have to break down
there, you clodhoppy old imbecile?

There's nothing I can do. Sorry, I
have to wait for a minute and a half.

How have I put up with him
for so long?

The slow progress of
the Mercedes

was now causing me problems,

because the skies were dry and my
water bucket was nearly empty.

He keeps breaking down
in front of me and then going,

"It's a minute and a half.
You have to wait."

And it isn't a minute and a
half, it's about 15 minutes.

I must get ice. We can't afford
to wait for him bumbling around.

No, you do need more ice.
You need more water.

I know we said we'd work as a
team and we are working as a team.

- And the teamwork is, leaving him behind.
- Yeah, as a team.

With that decision made,
we set off.

Come on, little bike.
Keep going, baby. Keep going.

Mostly the progress was good.

Sorry.

That was not on purpose.

Let's find out
what lies in here for you.

Come on!

Oh, deary me.

I think you've drowned
your hog.

Hammond insisted I get out
and help.

But it was all muddy, so
I came up with a better idea.

Urgh...

It's working!

This is impressive delicacy from
Clarkson here. I'm staggered.

How gentle was that?

You were extraordinarily
gentle.

You know
that'll never work again?

It will. -It was £800
from a supermarket.

The handlebars have come off.

You're blowing water
out of your exhaust pipe.

No way!

Oh, come on!

Why did Ewan McGregor use
a BMW GS?

I don't know. They're very
expensive and...

He wasted his money.

I'm staggered!

Meanwhile, much further back,

the soggy dog
was not being so lucky.

One and a half minutes.

As the afternoon wore on,

the roads became
even worse...

Come on!

And the human terrapin was
really starting to slow me down.

Right, my bucket is now
officially dry.

I have got to get to a source
of fresh, clean water

before that ice melts.

Come on!

Holy shit,
I am now in the sea!

Hammond, we've got to get to the next town.
Can we stop messing about?

- I'm not messing about.
- You are.

I'm not messing about!
There are no words!

It's come out of gear.
Come on.

Come on, Hammond,
we're running out of ice.

Ooh, bollocks!

Oh, that's a tragic
spectacle, it really is.

This is...

I don't even like fish!

Eventually I had no choice but
to abandon my remaining colleague.

I don't even know how far
away the next town is.

But I have got to get there
before the last of the ice melts.

I've got to get some water,

and it's going dark.

Anyone can sing
Feed The World.

It's actually quite difficult, though,
as it's turning out, to do it,

especially if you have
a motorcycle or a Mercedes

that you've converted
into an aquarium.

Come on, keep going.

Keep going, German.

That's marvellous.

Bugger! Bollocks and arse!

However,
after total darkness fell...

solid teamwork meant
I was in good shape.

Right, on the upside,
I found a town,

well,
some kind of settlement,

where I've got water
and I've got ice,

so the fish are fine.

On the downside,

we've just found out I'm not
even halfway to Bingo.

It's the middle of the night
and Hammond and May are hours,

three, four hours, behind me.

So do I wait for them?

Oh, dear. Right. Calm.

Bollocks!

Amazingly, the morning
revealed that Jeremy had waited for us,

so our convoy was reunited.

But before we could set off,
I had to repair my bike

and James had to refill
his depleted water tank.

So, water is just...

- No, don't do...
- Oh, God.

I don't particularly want to see
you, just to be absolutely clear.

Why? -Well, I got here at 4am,

wet, with consumption,
smelling like a damp dog.

Tried to sleep in the car,
and what did I hear?

- No idea.
- Snoring.

Your car snoring.

That bloody generator is like
someone snoring,

but without the pauses
in the breaths.

The generator is necessary
to keep my fish fresh.

- Where's your water gone?
- On my head.

Anyway,
we've got to make more water.

This is water.
I was just about to explain

that that is normal water which we're
all familiar with. You drink it.

Sea water is salty.
We all know that as well.

- I know, I brought you some salt.
- It's not that sort of salt.

- It's salt.
- That's table salt.

Exactly. Sea salt has
extra minerals in.

That doesn't.
That's been refined.

This is sea salt.
So we have to work out...

I'll show you. Normal water.
Needle at the bottom.

We have to mix enough salt
to put the needle on there,

right at the top of
the scale.

I know that's 25 litres,
because...

Hold on. No. If you're doing
25 litres at a time...

I'm doing 25 litres to work
out how much salt to put in.

- We're going to be here all morning...
- No, we're not.

Because you have to fill your
entire tank up! -So what should I do?

Why are you so angry with me?
I've come to help.

You haven't come to help. I could
have almost done it by now.

You're just standing there
being fatuous

and bringing a thing of salt from a
seaside café from the 1950s in Morecambe.

Bugger off. Please.

- Well, get on with it.
- Go away.

Right, so, we know that's... -Don't talk.
Just get on with it.

Having refilled my tank...

That should be close enough
for my fishy friends.

Our convoy continued on
its mercy mission to Bingo.

I've rigged up a really
rudimentary tarpaulin

to try and reduce
the splashing

and give the fish
a better chance.

It does smell so rank in here

and I haven't even got
the excuse of dead fish.

I think I've got crotch rot from
sitting in my own wet underpants

for 16 hours yesterday.

Is that an octopus on
the back of your bike now?

Yes.

- Where did you get that from?
- Found it in a pond.

Hammond, have you emptied out
the back of my pick-up truck

to reload your ridiculous
drying system?

No. I went fishing.

- Did you?
- It's a freshwater octopus.

Mozambique freshwater octopus.
They're quite famous but very rare.

I hate him.

Right, yesterday
we covered 100 miles.

Today... Well, we've still
got 100 miles to go

and none of it from what
I hear is on Tarmac.

For me, that was a
particularly terrifying prospect.

Oh, no. Red dust.

Oh, God, here we go.

It doesn't look like anything
much, but this soft red sand

sits on a very hard
subsurface

and it is simply impossible
to ride a bike over.

It just has no grip.

Shit!

Front end gone away from me.

There's only another
100 miles of this, Hammond.

I can't do it.

You heard it, ladies and
gentlemen. "I can't do it."

He's not bothered about
world hunger, world poverty.

Just himself.

Oh! Ooh! Argh!

After a while, though,
Hammond decided to be brave,

with hilarious consequences.

Come on, stop it.

Shit!

Oh! Here we go again.
Yep. No. Yep. Come on.

Do you know, James? It's
actually possible to get bored

with watching Hammond
fall off a motorcycle.

Bollocks!

So let's just add up the amount of times
I've fallen off my Datsun Hardbody.

Yep. None.

Because it's got four wheels.

Meanwhile, the drier roads meant
my Mercedes was working well too.

Temperature stays spot-on.

Oil pressure goes up and down
a bit, but there is some.

Clock is still right.
25 past one.

This car is running
as sweet as a nut.

Electrical fire.

Something's badly on fire on the
right-hand side of this car.

I can't
understand how in a car

made almost entirely from
water, he's on fire.

That's the weird thing.
Water with electrics causes fires.

That's why we have a different type of
fire extinguisher for electrical fires.

He's even managing to make
a car fire boring.

It's electric.
I can smell it.

Keen to do my bit
for health and safety,

I asked one of our camera team
to modify James's fish tank

so that if another fire
broke out,

there'd be plenty of water
available to put it out.

- Please don't move out.
- Oh , here we go.

No. Held it.

Several miles back, my
life was as miserable as ever.

Oh, God. It's the waiting
that kills you.

I'm just waiting for it
to let go.

This is like being told you're
gonna get the electric chair.

"We'll put you in it
and just leave you in it.

Sometime,
probably in the next hour,

or the next week,
we'll flick the switch."

Oh! Bollocks!

Sod 'em!

Fire taken care of,
I was now back on the move.

All right, fellas?

I'm sort of assuming
the fish are boys.

But some of them must be girls. Do you
get girl and boy fishies? You must do.

He needs to watch where
he's going, that boy.

Meanwhile,
up ahead in the Hardbody...

I'd run into
a spot of bother.

- What's up?
- Ice machine's broken.

How does sawing your bonnet
up mend your ice machine?

I've had a brilliant idea
and I'm glad you're here,

actually, cos you can give me a hand.

No, seriously, James.
Most of our fish are in...

The good fish are in here.

90% of our fish are in the
back of my pick-up truck

and he's just driven off.

There's Hammond.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Behold, my gen...
- Yeah, fascinating.

Well, there we are. He's just done
100 yards without falling off.

Eventually, my new fish
preservation solution

was up and running.

What I've done is I've rerouted the exhaust
through the bonnet, over the cabbie

into the load area
where the fish are,

which is now covered with
a tonneau cover.

Then I've adjusted the
fuelling on the engine,

so now it's producing thick,
lumpy black smoke

which of course is smoking
the fish.

And that's good for
the environment.

Because normally you'd have
to have a smokery, a factory,

and then you have to transport the
fish to wherever it is they're going.

But what I'm doing here is I'm
making kippers as I drive along.

Coal-rolled kippers.

You'd buy those.
I know I would.

Further ahead, Bono and Angelina were
discussing the distance left to cover.

By my very rough reckoning,

because my speedo and
my mileometer aren't working,

I think we've got about somewhere between
70 and 80 kilometres to go to Bingo.

Why do they have to live
so bloody far away?

Any fish left?

Yes. I have two.

But I think it's better to
arrive with two fish

than not to arrive with ten.

That's a parable.

Yes, it sounds
positively Biblical, I think.

I don't like
the look of this.

Oh, bollocks!

Geez, that's a big one.

What is this stuff?

Ooh, hello!

My colleagues.

- Is that you, Clarkson?
- Sure is.

Move your bloody car, May!

What a muppet. He's got a
four-wheel-drive pick-up truck!

What are those bits of scaffolding
coming out of your bonnet for?

I'm making kippers, or I would
be if you hadn't have blocked the way.

Did he say "making kippers"?

They look like the
handrails out of a disabled shower

from back here.
What are they?

- They're exhaust pipes.
- What?

Ice machine broke. I'm now
turning them into smoked fish.

This is a kipper factory.

Hang on. You're smoking them
in diesel smoke?

- Yes.
- Eh?

- It's just smoke.
- Why do you think that's

never been done before?

- Nobody's thought of it.
- No. Because it's vile!

Well, you eat wood smoke.
That's disgusting. A bonfire!

Do you think oak-smoked fish is
the same as diesel-smoked fish?

It's coal-rolled kippers!

It's under there smoking? -No.
I've turned the engine off.

This interesting discussion
was not helping the people of Bingo.

So we knuckled down to the business
of getting through the mud.

I'm gonna go behind the trees,
cos I'm narrow, so I can.

Oh! That's a thorn tree! No!

Oh, Christ!

Get off!

Meanwhile, May made me
give him a tow.

Right, James May,
are you ready?

Go!

Yes!

Come on, keep going,
keep going.

Hang on, I'm stuck here.
I've bottomed out.

And that's pretty much all I
did for the rest of the day.

So close!

Here we go again
to tow him out.

Listen to that CV joint.

Damn him and his stupid aquarium
which weighs 1800 tons!

That's the most stuck
it's ever been.

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Luckily Ewan McHammond was always on
hand to provide some comic relief.

A-ha! I can go up the middle!
You see!

You do realise it's entirely
possible that we won't end up

in Bingo even today?

Ah...

Half past three.

And we have done since we set off
at seven o'clock this morning...

52 miles.

That meant there was another
50 miles to go.

Fortunately, however,
there was no more mud.

Unfortunately, it was
replaced by this.

The wettest road
I'd ever seen.

Oh, my word,
this is a deep one.

Discs locked, low range.

Oh, wow!

There's water!
A lot of water has come in!

I am up to my anus now
in water.

As Jeremy waded
through the lake,

I found a narrow path
round the edge.

Aha-ha!

Look what
clever Hammond's done.

What an incredible machine
this is.

Look at this, Hammond.

Oh! Oh!

- You've got all water in it, mate.
- Yes, exactly.

It's come up above
the level of my doors.

Have you checked for fish?

Look, don't be stupid.

Given what we're doing...

With two of us safely across,

all eyes were now on the
hopeless Macquarium.

James, it is extremely deep.

Yeah, that's OK. I'll
do just a gentle bow wave

like they do
at off-road school.

Here he comes.

There you go.

Oh, shit!

Shit.

Help!

All your fish
are gonna escape!

- Oh, bollocks.
- JEREMY: Don't let the fresh water

get in your salt water.

I don't give a toss about
that. Come and get me!

I have rescued you
one million times

and I'm not towing
that damn thing any more.

You are breaking the CV
joints in my Hardbody.

Having finally got fed up
with him,

Hammond and I decided
to get radical.

So that night,
as James slept...

we modified his car
slightly.

This made James
very unpleased.

You bastards!

I hate you! Both of you!

You utter bastards!

Listen. I am prepared to tow your
bootful of water. That's important.

I'm not gonna
tow a dead engine

that's full of water, as well.
That's just a waste of fuel.

Rubbish. It wasn't dead. I could have
mended that once we'd dragged it out.

It's just the ignition. I've
done it five times already!

You complete moron!

I hope you get bilharzia
of the ball sack!

Right, that's it.
He's asked for it.

Funny. Very funny.

Bloody mad.

I think you're following him
too closely.

Why don't you sod off?

Has it affected
the handling?

What was that?

Fearful that James was about to catch
cancer from my coal-rolling...

I invited him to enter
my Hardbody.

And was he grateful?
No.

The ride in this thing
is appalling.

Why is it so bad?

If an ambulance came
to rescue you,

would you complain about
the quality of the ambulance?

No.

So why are you complaining about
everything I've done for you?

Because you're rescuing me from
effective injury that you inflicted.

I'd still complain about
the man who mugged me

if he then said, "I'll help you
out, mate." I'd still complain.

Let's be brutally
honest, shall we?

Your car's been a terrible
nuisance all the way along.

Not to me.

It has to me cos I've had
to wait for it for days.

You're so noble, I won't forget
to mention you in my speech.

You're not getting
a Nobel Prize.

Why not? -Because you're ending
with three-quarters of a car.

You don't get the prize
for how much car you bring.

You get the prize
for bringing the fish.

Don't forget,
you're towing my fish,

ie, the fish
that are still edible.

- Mine are edible.
- No, they're not.

They are! -I can
assure you they're not.

It was a shame about
James's bad mood

because we were
on the verge of success.

Come on!

Sure, our plan to feed the world
had been beset on all sides

by much discomfort...

Urgh! Bollocks!

And many setbacks.

We've got eight, plus one
that got out in the boat.

I am up to my anus now
in water.

Oh, God!

There'd been
some terrible smells too.

Oh! Argh!

And several accidents.

Some of which
were quite funny.

Bollocks!

But despite everything, we were
now just a few miles from Bingo.

I think, if we're going to
be sensible,

what we should have done
is had a pick-up truck

with an aquarium in the back.

You sort of have now.

That motorcycle
has been remarkable.

800 quid from a supermarket.

I know Hammond's been
obsessing about how

he doesn't look like Ewan
McGregor in "The Long Way Down,"

but to me he does,

cos it's a motorcycle and
they're all exactly the same in my mind.

We could make a film of all of his
crashes and call it Wrong Way Up.

I'm going to tell you
one thing.

You know normally people
from TV or film or whatever

come out to Africa
to do charitable work?

They're photographed by
Hello! magazine

and then it's back to the
hotel, Châteauneuf-du-Pape,

- fly home to get the OBE.
- Right.

They don't actually do
what we've done, do they?

No, I don't think so.

I've never seen Victoria Beckham
trying to pull half a Mercedes

across Mozambique.

Bingo!

There it is!
Our quest is at an end!

Sir Jeremy and the Nobel
Award-winning James May,

and Richard Hammond,
are arriving!

Hello. Have we got good news
for you guys!

Aware that our fish
may cause a stampede,

we found a spot with enough space
to accommodate the crowds.

Are you ready?

This will get them running
over here, you watch.

Oh, look at that!

Hundreds and hundreds of
delicious fishes.

Diesel-infused kippers.

James, however, was not so happy
about the condition of his fish.

And for some reason,
he blamed me.

All that messing around and
dragging around, you killed them.

Those were all alive
this morning!

All of them are dead!

How do you know
all are?

Cos they're floating.
That's what fish do.

I've kept those alive for
three days, you muppet.

How have I killed them?
Because, they are still fresh.

Because, You did this.
You dragged it along,

bouncing it around too much,
and not thinking about the fish.

You finished them off!

This, though, was no time to get bogged
down with who'd killed James's fish,

because it was him.

So, we got on with the job
of setting up our stalls.

- Is that straight?
- No.

And eventually we were ready
for the crowds to descend.

Customer. Customer.

Nobody's interested.

So, we moved on to the next
phase of our plan.

Is the man from Hello!
Magazine getting these shots?

- He's there.
- Oh, yeah.

Look concerned. Let's see
your concerned face.

Can you make sure you get plenty
of local people in the background

so it's obvious
I'm in Africa?

Thank you.

And then with not a single fish
given away, but the pictures taken,

there was only one thing
left to do.

Chaps,
let's get the helicopter.