Original subtitles

In the competitive world of wizardry, the way...

to the top is via dead men's pointy shoes.

Even if you have to empty them yourself.

There is simply no room for your kind of person in a modern university.

What are we going to do with you, you little scamp?

Is everything in order down there? So, this is the famous Octavo.

Famous and... dangerous.

You'll continue to be a guide, Rincewind, to this... Twoflower.

He says he's a tourist.

You'll make sure that he returns home with a good report of our homeland.

What do I have worth stealing? Well, the trunk.

It would be a tragedy should anything... untoward happen to our visitor.

We're going to run out of world! I absolutely have to see that!

I can't remember it being like this before.

One of the eight spells is missing?

Do you think it could be the home of the dragons?

Don't be ridiculous, dragons don't exist.

When the spell left the Octavo, where, exactly, did it go?

Ashoni!

To the library!

Head Librarian?

Nobody knows what it does.

To know that, you would need to be Arch Chancellor.

And how can I help you? That star's new.

The Krullians have lost a number of volunteers over...

the edge of the world trying to discover the sex

of the turtle which carries the Disc.

The whole damn sky, full of worlds!

Places no-one's ever gonna see, except us!

The result of their latest efforts proves that whatever people say,

there is such a thing as a free lunch.

Currently, Twoflower, the Discworld's first tourist is rapidly leaving

it in an attempt to escape Krull.

This attempt has been 1,000 per cent successful.

Although this means he may also be the Disc's last tourist,

he is enjoying the view.

Meanwhile, some way above Twoflower, Rincewind...

isn't enjoying the view at all.

Only Great A'Tuin, the world turtle, knows...

why it's heading towards the star.

Those on the Disc are due to find out in about...

two days and then they're really going to worry.

The Octavo, the greatest spell book of all, is so worried...

about all this, that it must take action of its own.

Oh, great, the ground is gonna break my fall.

The Colour of Magic, Episode Two The Light Fantastic

Did I just leave the world, only to land back on it again?

Yes, you did.

Why? Why, why?! We're not going anywhere. Look at that.

Is it me or is that getting bigger?

Is the turtle flying straight towards it,

I ask you?!

Well, wizards say we always miss the stars.

But has anyone seen one get this close before?!

No! Where are the wizards when we need them?!

Wizards out! Wizards out!

Wizards out! Wizards out!

One small step for a wizard, into the unseen.

One giant leap for the Unseen University.

Would the student body please acknowledge...

the 305th Arch Chancellor?

Let it be known that although limited personnel...

alterations have been made,

one or two other significant things will be changing.

For the tidier.

As none of us have received guidance as to...

the events of this morning...

and, there seems to be a degree of, quite unnecessary,

anxiety amongst the populous about the star...

I propose that we perform the Rite Of AshkEnte.

After its own space odyssey, many miles from

Ankh-Morpork, in the Vortex Plains,

the Luggage has plans of its own.

I said, our guest, whose name is legend, must tell us truly,

what is it that a man may call the greatest things in life?

The crisp horizon. The wind in your hair.

A fresh horse underneath you. Or is it the sight of your enemy, slain?

The humiliation of his tribe and the lamentation of his women?

What you say?

They said, our guest, whose name is legend,

must tell us truly. Oh, pish.

Hot water.

Good... dentistry.

And soft... lavatory paper.

Hadesire desurps decorum demonia, AshkEnte!

Rise up, oh, creature of earth and darkness!

We do charge thee to abjure from I was at a party, you know.

It is said that you can see both the past and the future.

Correct.

Then, perhaps you can tell us why is the red star getting bigger?

Because the turtle is flying towards it. Why?

For a purpose that has nothing to do with me.

Then... perhaps you can tell us what exactly happened this morning.

I understand that the Octavo was anxious not to lose the eighth spell.

Hold on.

It was dropping off the Disc, apparently.

Hold on. Are we talking about the spell...

that is inside the head of Rincewind?

That he's been carrying around all these years? Yes.

Any idea why?

All I know is that all the spells have to...

be said together at Solstice

or many worlds will be destroyed. Destroyed?

It's an ancient prophecy, written on the inner...

walls of the Great Pyramid of Tsort.

Can you tell us where Rincewind is now? The Forest of Skund.

Rimwards of the Ramtop Mountains. Feeling very sorry for himself.

Hello? Anybody out there?

Twoflower? Oh.

Now, may I go? Oh. Yes. I hope it's a good party.

I think it might go downhill at midnight.

Why?

That's when they'll be taking my mask off.

Hmm. Evening.

I'm looking for anything we've got on the Pyramid of Tsort.

Ooook.

Yes. Hmmm.

Oook.

Ah. Thank you.

Whoever says all the spells together, when the Disc is in danger...

Oook! Oook! Yes, yes, the star, I know.

will gain... ultimate... power... Ook. Oook.

..to save the world. Yes, and that.

Now, listen, if you were to... oook this...

to any members of the faculty, you will be disciplined.

Ook. It's not as if bananas grow on trees.

As much as it pains me to say this, Rincewind must not die.

At least,... not until we bring him back here.

And empty his head.

Rincewind!

Go away. Go away.

Rincewind! I'm not listening, I'm not listening.

Rincewind! It's me, Twoflower.

He's dead! And he's inside my head.

Why me? Why me?! Why...

Twoflower?

Isn't an amazing thing that we ended up back on the world?

I must have done something really bad to have got stuck with you.

The turtle must have caught us somehow.

Why would it do that? I don't know, do I?

Anyway, where are we? Oh. Aargh!

Alive or dead?

Well, since we need him to say the spell,

in order to save the worlds,

I suspect alive might be better. To save the worlds What does that mean?

I don't know.

But as long as one of the worlds he saves is ours,

I shall consider it a most satisfactory outcome.

It's extraordinary.

It looks like they're gonna have a ceremony.

Ancient and traditional ritual, probably dating...

back thousands of years to celebrate the, um, the, um

All that Golden Bough and Cycle of Nature stuff...

just boils down to sex and violence.

Usually both at the same time.

I think we ought to be going.

Come on, let's go!

If only I had my picture box.

Oh, there you are.

It's very loyal.

Yes, if loyalty is what you look for in a suitcase.

Come on, look, we ought to leave. Is she a druidess?

I don't think so.

Look, you're not going to like this next bit, I promise you.

I want to stay. Ceremonies like this hark back to a primitive simplicity

If you must know, they're going to sacrifice her.

What, kill her?

Well, it wouldn't be much of a sacrifice if they didn't, would it?

Couldn't they just use flowers, berries and things?

You know... Sort of symbolic?

No self respecting high priest is gonna go through all the...

business and trumpets and processions

and then shove his knives in a daffodil and a couple of plums, is he?

Get out of it. Come on.

No. Really. Honestly, please.

Um, I say there. Yes, I say,

may I have a word there, sir?

I'm sorry to intrude, I don't mean to be a bother.

I was just there and I saw what looks to be a lovely

and appraising? uprising? out here...

... what the purpose...

I just wondered if you would reconsider for a moment

the idea of sacrificing...

Tell me what that other idiot holds on with, or you ll be a dead man.

I can't bring her back, you see, with the blood and the white dress...

His name is TwoFlower and is not from these paths parts...

Good. Look like it. What I m looking for...

is the box full of treasure, with the legs.

- The Star! The Star! - Oh look, it's getting bigger.

- Have you ever done this sort of thing before?

What sort of thing?

Rushed into a temple, killed the priest, stole all the gold and rescued the girl?

- Not with too many words, no. - You're doing all this.

Let's go.

- It's alright. - Bloody well isn't...

Why do people always going spoil things?

You've just been saved from absolutely certain death.

It's not easy around here, you know. I mean, keeping yourself...

I mean... staying,

I mean, not letting myself... Not losing your qualifications!

I could have been up there with the moon goddess by now,

drinking mead out of a silver bowl.

Eight years of staying home on Saturday nights,

just straight down the drain!

Where am I now?

You're dreaming.

Can I wake up, please?

No. You have a very important task ahead of you.

Rincewind? Rincewind, are you in there?

- There's not even a flesh wound. - Rincewind? Can you hear me Rincewind?

- What's up with the girl? - She won't let us rescue her.

Doubt that.

No!

Don't just lie there you daft cow, help me up.

Are you sure you can't hear me in there Rincewind?

Many years ago we arranged for one of our numbers to hide in your head.

Who are "we" exactly?

We are the the seven spells and our task is to see that nothing dreadful happens

to the eighth, Rincewind

It is most important that you don't let the wizards take the spell from you.

All eight spells must be said at the...

right time or terrible things will happen.

And they must not be said by the wrong people.

- The wizards... - Precisely. - Am I in the Octavo?

In certain metaphysical respects, yes.

Why are you screaming?

I'm inside a bloody book, talking to voices I can't see...

and you ask me why I'm screaming?

It is very important you safeguard the spell in your head and bring it back

to us at the University in time for the Solstice, so when...

the moment is precisely right, we can be said.

Why should anyone want to say you?

It is the star. You see, the turtle is heading towards it because -

No, no, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop.

You've totally ruined my life, you do realise that, don't you?!

I could have really made it as a wizard...

if you hadn't used me as a portable spell book.

I can't remember any other spells because they're...

all too frightened to be in the same head as you.

Look at it like this then, as soon as...

the spell is said, you'll be rid of it. And us. Forever.

- When's the Solstice? - Hey.

- Two days time, I think.

- We've got to go. Right now.

Won't the Druids be celebrating the Solstice here?

Probably not.

Are you sure? 'cause I'd really like to stay here.

But Ankh-Morpork is THE place to be on Solstice.

- Oh, Rincewind, if we're not gonna be here...

Oh, to feel the cobbles under your feet

- and the old familiar smell of the cesspits.

They're at their very best this time of year.

- The place that I feel I really... - I want to take you home.

Home to the potatoes they sell at the fried fish stall,

at the junction of the Street Of Cunning Artifices and Midden Street.

Yeah, potatoes... Rincewind, this was a lovely fight,

but what I really wanna see is the Temple at Bel-Shamharoth

- Potatoes, I hear you calling. What did you say?

I want to see the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth.

Not the home of the giant terrifying spider...

from which no-one has ever returned alive?

That's the one.

Oh... Right.

Of course, the River Snarl runs right past it.

- Well, that settles it then.

On our way to the Solstice celebrations at Ankh-Morpork.

I can hear the potatoes calling.

Right.

- Shut up. - I don't like the sound of that.

What shall we do?

Um. Panic?

- That's him! - Wizards.

Panic!

- Have they come to celebrate the Solstice?

Quick, in there.

Rincewind!

They know you.

We've got you surrounded!

Come back with us to see Arch Chancellor Trymon and everything will be alright.

You have his word.

It's nice they want you back. Even by wizards' standards,

Trymon is a nasty piece of work.

Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the very easy way.

- What's the easy way?

You come out not covered in burning leaf mould.

- What is the very easy way? - We set fire to the sacrificial pyre.

With you in it.

How do you think it'll end?

If that Star is an omen, it looks like we're all going to die

We should name it now then. Might, as well.

How about... the Death Star?

Oh, don't be daft, what sort of name is that?!

The Death Star?!

Who cast a spell?

You didn't see that Trymon out there, did you?

Trymon, no, why?

Well, for a minute there, I thought we were in trouble. Oh.

A little bit earlier would have been nice.

Oh, Twoflower! Twoflower!

All wizards must die!

If the wizards can't get rid of th star, they should...

cease all magic and commit suicide in good order.

If they're going to be like that, personally, I'd let them burn.

All wizards must die!

The fact is, the star is getting bigger.

And without Rincewind's spell, there's nothing we can do about it.

I looked in the Mirror of Oversight. I used the Runes of M'haw.

May I make it clear that I tried both the Runes...

and the Mirror and the entrails of a manicreach.

Any good?

- so nobody knows where he is now? - no.

In times of crisis,

one must be wise.

And wise men do what the times demand.

Twoflower, Twoflower. Come on, wake up.

We've got to go

Alright, if that's the way you want it...

Let me rest me back. Twoflower.

Wakey-wakey. Come along, lad.

There's some liniment stuff in the saddlebag, if you wouldn't mind.

Who are you?

Cohen, is me name.

Cohen, the barbarian?

- The very same. - Oh, hang on, hang on.

Cohen is a great big chap, built like a bull.

Chest muscles like a sack full of footballs.

He's the Disc's greatest warrior! He's a legend in his own lifetime.

- My grandfather used to tell me... - yeeesss

That's right, boy. I'm a lifetime in me own legend.

You were the greatest.

Bards still sing songs about you. I never get any royalties.

That's the saga of my life.

80 years in the business and what have I got to show for it?

Back ache, piles, bad digestion and a hundred different recipes for soup.

Soup, I hate soup!

It's me teeth, you see.

No-one takes you seriously when you've got no teeth.

They say, "Sit by the fire, Granddad, and have some soup."

That's a nasty cough you've got there, mind.

Yes, yes, I know. I'm sorry.

It's just that... Come on, wake up!

He's gone.

What, dead?

- I've got to get him back to Ankh-Morpork.

Well, he's not exactly dead.

- He can't die, the Patrician will kill me.

He's just... gone.

He's gone? Where? Can't I get him back?

I don't know, but I think I know someone who might have a map.

A necromancer. What's neg romance?

No, necromance is talking to the dead.

Course, I don't believe in tarot cards. I mean, all that stuff about it being

old wisdom from the universe, ha, lot of old rubbish.

The Star.

It has nothing to do with me.

Four of elephants.

The ace of turtles.

Death.

Is he really dead?

She said it's a sort of medicine.

So if you want to see your friend in this world again,

I should drink it if I were you.

Well, if you're sure it's OK.

Can't make the beer taste any worse, can it?

Well, he did take a spell for me, so... here goes.

Well, actually, it doesn't taste too bad.

Oh, where am I going?

Don't look back. But where am I going?

Twoflower? Twoflower?

Twoflower. There you are.

What an amazing clock. Rincewind, where are we, exactly?

We're... sort of... informally dead.

Come along. Look, we haven't got tim to take pictures, let's go.

It won't take very long.

Poor light! Three bloody years in F8 if you ask me.

Do your best.

Look, what do you wanna take pictures for?

Can't you just... remember it?

Well, in years to come, when I'm sitting by the fire -

You'll be sitting by the fire permanently if we don't get out of here!

This way. Come on.

Oh, I do hope you're not going. I so seldom have company.

We... We really mustn't keep you. Get ready to run.

Oh, but... I've never been at Death's door before.

Right, now, run!

Don't look back! Don't look back! Mustn't look back!

There are worse things than being dead, you know.

Name two.

That always annoys me.

I might as well as install a revolving door.

If I've got time.

Rincewind? Hello.

Did I move at all? No.

You just looked at the fire, as if you'd seen a ghost.

Oh, you're alive.

But no thanks to yourself, Mr, "Would you like...

berries while you stick your sickle in my head?"

No hugging! I do not hug.

My head. You've been ill.

You've been... hallucinating.

Hmm. Well, if I've been hallucinating, I bet I took some great pictures.

Ah! No. No, no, no. You can't. No picture-ography.

The Horse people are very superstitious.

I'll put this in the Luggage for you.

You'd better not be going somewhere next where we need too much black.

It wasn't like that. It was a little cottage and...

You see what you see, I paint what I see and I only see what's really there, see?

Um, what happened to old Galder's chair,

the one with lion arms and the duck's feet?

- Oh, that. I had it burnt.

But it was a priceless magical artefact.

A genuine piece of...

Now, may I draw your attention to the agenda?

What does a... genda do?

It's simply a list of things that we need to discuss.

Top of which... is the matter of Rincewind.

And the Star. People are agitating, you know.

That is item number two on the agenda.

Item number one is the fact that you have failed to find him.

So what are you suggesting we do about it?

I'm not suggesting anything.

- I've sent someone to find him. - Who?

- A hero. - On whose authority? - Mine.

I need no other.

You've hired a blood-thirsty idiot who can't walk or think at the same time...

The hero, even at this moment, galloping towards the Vortex Plains,

doesn't get involved in trading insults with wizards.

Not just because they don't take it seriously,

but because this particular hero is, in fact, a heroine named Herrena.

The Horse People have decided... They hold Cohen in the highest regard.

- Cohen? The Barbarian? - I was going to mention that.

But, back in Ankh-Morpork you said... I lied.

The Horse People have decided to give you mounts...

and directions to the River Snarl,

where you can catch a ferry back to the Circle Sea.

You lied?

I'd like to thank you very much because...

you've been most helpful and it will be very, um,...

different without you. You don't wish us to accompany you?

Oh, no, we'll be fine.

These... are... dangerous times. Yes, I know but, um,...

I'm beginning to cope very well with these near-death experiences.

I just can't believe it's Cohen The Barbarian.

Is he, perhaps, being sarcastic? No, no, he's always like that.

He's got eyes, hasn't he?

Yes, but, um, he doesn't see things as other people do.

Take this yert, for example.

It's... Well, it's dark and greasy and smells like a very ill horse.

Yes.

Hmm. Yes, but he would say that it smells like the curious and rare resins

plundered by green-eyed warriors from the edge of civilisation.

You know, so on and so on.

Well, the snake warriors are the...

I could tell him to shut up.

No, I... I like his eyes.

They can see for 50 years.

I shall accompany you...

for the reason that if anything should happen...

to you, the legend would be besmirched.

But also on the count of me chilblains. I'm coming too!

In case Cohen needs anything...

It seems brighter now. What is it?

Why does everyone look at me? I don't know what it is this item.

It's probably a comet or something. I wonder if it's a sign.

Will it be burned up?

Well, how the hell would I know?

I've never been hit by a comet before, have I?

Walk on.

Have you combed your beard? Eh?

I think she's taken a bit of a shine to you.

- If I was 20 years younger. - Yes?

I'd be 67.

Me, riding with Cohen the Barbarian.

Who could possibly attack us now?

It is indeed a hundred miles rimwards to the River Snarl, across the high plains

and down to the gloomy pine forest, that lies rather closer than is comfortable

to the Trollbone Mountains. The clue is in? isn't? the title.

Did we really have to stop? The River Snarl can't be that far away.

The ferryman doesn't work at night, so we might as well get some rest.

Besides, my feet are killing me.

You'd have quite nice feet if only you looked after them.

You don't get to meet many chiropodists in my line of work.

I've met any amount of snake priests, mad...

gods, war lords. Never any chiropodists.

I suppose it wouldn't look right, really.

Cohen against the chiropodists.

Or Cohen and the Chiropractors of Doom? Or Cohen and the mad dentists.

What's funny about that?

Nothing in particular. I don't blame you.

It's hard being a hero when you've got no teeth.

Don't matter what else you lose. You can get by with one eye even.

But show them a mouthful of gums and no-one has any respect.

- I do.

Why don't you have a new pair made for yourself?

Well, I do have trouble masticating. Huh?

I beg your pardon.

- You know, chewing. - Oh, yeah, chewing.

They're called den-chures(dentures). Time chewers?

Dentures! Lots of people wear them where I'm from.

What? And they don't just have to eat soup?

No!

That has to rank as the most pathetically...

easy ambush in swordswoman history.

- I've no idea why you're so important. - Important? To who?

The wizards. The wizards. At the Unseen University.

For some reason, they want me to take you back.

It's a short ride hubwards to the ferry at the River Snarl.

From there, we'll be at Ankh-Morpork by morning.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Do you think we could drop by the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth on the way?

Only if you want to ride a thousand miles rimwards in the wrong direction.

You mean you can't reach the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth by the River Snarl?

No, of course not.

Oh. Well, at least we'll be in Ankh-Morpork...

for the special Solstice celebrations. Oh, yes.

What special Solstice celebrations? Never heard of them.

So my... guide wasn't going to take me to Bel-Shamharoth at all, was he?

No. It was too dangerous.

Do you want half your money back? Do you want all your money back?

Look, it's not about money. We're supposed to be friends.

We shook on it.

Look, if you must know the truth, I only agreed to be your guide because

the Patrician of Ankh-Morpor said he'd do...

unspeakable things to me if... if I didn't!

So there you have it.

Thank you for being honest. Well... Well...

They don't even celebrate the Solstice in Ankh-Morpork, do they?

No. And I'm probably the worst wizard this side of the Circle Sea.

And I thought everything was going so well.

Well, you thought wrong.

You're in great danger, you've got to put the fire out!

No, you're in great danger. The fire stays.

Don't try to distract me.

No, it's... You've obviously never heard of the legend of Old Granddad.

I knew it was around here somewhere. When a troll gets older

he gets bigger and bigger. And this is a very old troll.

Everyone knows trolls keep away from fire.

But this specific troll... can't.

Can't? Can't? No, because you've lit the fire on his tongue!

Come on, you two.

- Cohen! - Get up, you silly cow.

Come on, run!

I think we're going home in an envelope.

If complete and utter chaos was likely, then being tied to you is like standing

on a hill top in a thunder storm wearing a wet copper armour

and shouting, "All gods are idiots."

Thank you. It wasn't a compliment!

Come on, let's stand up.

Well,... I'm off to see Bel-Shamharoth.

Good luck and I hope the spider eats you. So the Patrician.

I'm going home to Ankh-Morpork. Fine. Fine.

Happy now? I don't want to talk about it.

We're going to Ankh-Morpork. This isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Is it just me, or does that look rather like a very large target?

Destroy those wizards! Destroy those wizards!

The trouble is, the Arch Chancellor is just not a team player.

There is, of course, the tradition of dead men's pointy shoes.

You mean create a vacancy in the Arch Chancellor's department sort of thing?

Very well. We need a volunteer. Anyone?

Any... one?

Everyone then.

Ooook.

You're not the usual ferryman. I've been here before.

The usual man is a big fellow.

OK.

Two of you, grab him. Daft cow.

You, shut up. Let's see what's under that robe.

Kill them both. I'll deal with those old fool.

Time to get going. Come on! I say, well done! Excellent, sir.

Pulled my back.

I don't know who you are or where you're from, and...

there's nothing personal about this, you understand.

Are you OK? Oh, the back... is... is cured.

My father used to recommend hanging from a door.

We really ought to be going.

I don't suppose you'd be interested in selling the luggage?

Oh, no, I couldn't possibly do that.

I was looking for a present for Bethan, you see.

We're getting married.

That's great. We thought you ought to be the first to know.

This is cause for celebration. I'm pretty sure I have some travel

biscuits and water in my luggage.

You serious about getting married? Any objections?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, I was just thinking, you know, that's she's...

in her twenties and you... are of the elderly persuasion.

Time I settled down, you mean? No, I was thinking more of the, um,...

physically, the age difference. About... (having sex? )

Oh, I see what you mean.

The strain. I hadn't looked at it like that.

I hope I haven't upset anything. Oh, no, no, no, don't apologise.

You were right to point it out.

You know, sometimes, you just have to take risks.

Now, don't be offended,

but I think we'll go ahead with the wedding anyway...

and, er, well,... just have to hope she's strong enough.

Will we get to Ankh-Morpork by dawn? Absolutely.

Right, who wants how to learn how to row a ferry to Ankh-Morpork?

The reason that I have gathered you here today...

..is to announce that there will be a meeting.

With an agenda. With just one item on it.

An agendum.

I'm sorry?

We're assuming that this must be to do with...

the news that your hero has failed to capture Rincewind.

I don't recall you being minuted to talk!

There will be a meeting... to consult the Octavo.

With only seven spells? Are you sure that's wise,...

Arch Chancellor?

We have gone beyond... Wisdom.

Ankh-Morpork. Pearl among cities.

There's no city in the multiverse that can rival Ankh-Morpork for its smell.

Look! Come on.

Wizard, why have you let us down?

What's he doing?

This is what I've been looking for. We'll join you shortly.

What, the jewellers? It's a surprise.

You... wait here, Beth.

Excuse me. Why is everyone leaving? The Star is gonna crash into the Disc.

We're all gonna burn up and die.

The Star is life, not death. What?

What what? Your voice, it just went all crackly.

It didn't sound like you. It's the spell, it's trying to take me over.

It knows what's going to happen. Why are they painting all the stars?

They think it'll ward it off or something?

No, that's not gonna work.

I think I know what will. Come on.

The strangest thing I've ever made. But practical, I'll give you that.

What did you say they were called again?

Dentures. Made from troll's teeth.

This is Bethan, my betrothed (fiancee).

Is there anywhere round here where I can get a wedding dress?

And a steak.

What are... What are you doing? Ridding the Disc of wickedness.

That's the Necrotelecomnicon. Yes.

Wizards use it to contact the dead. How did you know that?

Oh, I just, you know, just guessed. He's got a big box on legs..

He looks like a wizard.

Gentlemen,...

the Light Fantastic!

We're safe, so long as we don't touch the book.

Let's see.

To appease it, the thing that is the guardian,...

..be silenced and return to the darkness.

Oh, what am I talking about, I can't do magic.

What? When I look at you, all I see is a wizard.

You're a wizard. Act like it.

Alright, stand back or I'll fill you full of magic!

All the magic's gone. The Star's taken it away.

I mean it.

Ashonti perucha

...bealzeboar!

Right, that's far enough! We're heavily armed...

What about... What Where is the Luggage?

Where's your luggage? Well, I often don't know where my luggage is,

that's what being a tourist is all about.

Right. I have a wizard and I'm not afraid to use him.

To the Great Hall, gentlemen.

He has locked it!

The Star has spots on it.

No, they're not spots, they're... they are... they're things.

Things that go round the... round the... Star.

Like the sun goes round the Disc.

They're closer because... because... They're definitely spots.

Come on.

False wizards must die! False wizards must die!

False wizards must die! False wizards must die!

False wizards must die! False wizards must die!

The lower cellars are this way.

Anything that wheezes like that can't possibly be dangerous.

Don't look back.

Is anyone out there?! Please!

Hello? Who's there?

Aargh! It's Rincewind.

Yes, that's right, it's Rincewind. Rincewind.

Did you bring the spell? Er, yes. Who's in there?

The masters of wizardry. The masters! Why are you in there?

We got locked in. What, with the Octavo?

The Octavo, in fact, is... not here.

Now, look, this is going to need a bit of magic,

so be a good fellow, run along and find a wizard, would you?

Run along and find a wizard?!

Alright, stand back. Find something to hide behind.

What for?

Oh, he means it. You see that vein bulging in his forehead?

He's serious. Will you shut up?

Did you see Trymon on the way down here? No. Why?

Because he's stolen the Octavo.

Him. I always said he'd go a long way.

He'll go a lot further if he opens that book.

Why? What will happen?

Well, one mind can't hold all the spells.

It'll break down and leave a hole.

In his head? Um, no, in the fabric of the universe.

He might think he can control it by himself but...

But he hasn't got the spell in your head.

So...

Come on!

He's done it. He's opened a path way.

Are those things demons?

Demons would be a picnic compared with what's trying to come through up there!

What do you propose to do about it? Oh, it's all over, do you see?

You can't put the spells back in the book.

You can't unsay what has been said.

You can try.

Nooooo!

Get out of my way!

Wait! Hold it, hold it. Listen... you don't understand.

- There's unimaginable horrors up there.

I've always wanted to do something like this. I mean...

- this is an adventure, isn't it? - You are definitely mad.

It's stopped.

They're blank. They're all completely blank.

Then he did it, he's read the spells.

Successfully too. I think we should go up and, um,...

Congratulate him?

When you're advanced in the craft, lad, you'll find, at times,

the important thing is success.

That's no way to treat a book. The spine's bent right back.

Give me that. A lad, am I? Huh! When I'm advanced...

in the craft, I've only been walking around for years

with one of the greatest spells in my head.

And didn't go totally insane, did I?

No, you didn't.

Where are the other wizards?

Rincewind. Join us, won't you?

The eighth spell. Give it to me.

Give... me... the spell!

No. You'll have to try and take it. And I don't think you can!

But I only have to kill you...

... and it is mine.

These statues look like wizards! They are the wizards! They are?!

They were!

There are worse things. I could clothe your body with ants.

Hey! I have the power... I have a sword, you know.

Ah! Pathetic! Pathetic? I'll show you pathetic.

Hey... Hello?

Rincewind, where's the sword? I'll get it.

I have to warn you... that I'm a real wizard now.

Then, join your fellow wizards, you turgid little worm!

I have no need of you now.

Oh, there it is.

Come! The little spell...

Unto me!

No! Run! Now what? Oh, run!

I suppose they're the spells.

- Twoflower?

Yes? Is that... Is that you, Rincewind?

Yes. And I want you to do something very important for me, Twoflower.

Yes. I'm... I'm ready. What is it you want me to do?

I want you to come over here...

and help me up, before my hand slips off this stone.

I'm glad you're alive. Yes, so am I.

Yes. Could you... Could you now help me up?

That might be a little difficult.

Why? What are you holding onto? To you!

Besides me! What do you mean, besides you?

Oh... Oh, bugger. I don't know why it is, but ever since I've met you,

I've spent a lot of my time hanging on by my fingertips over certain depths.

Have you noticed that?

Oh! Oh, it's you! Oh, no, not again!

No! No!

I think I just had another near-Rincewind experience.

A little bit earlier would have been nice.

Funny place to put statues. No one can see them.

Mind you, can't say they're up to much. Very poor work.

This... This is where we say goodbye.

Out!

What's he doing now?

Isn't all this magic exciting? It's only lights.

He ain't even produced doves or billiard balls out of his sleeves.

Is that it?

New worlds!

Must get a picture of this.

I might forget.

How could you ever forget?

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

Got it! That's old Twoflower for you.

He just appreciates beauty in his own way.

I mean, if a poet sees a daffodil...

... he stares at it, and then writes a long poem.

But Twoflower would wander off and buy...

a book on botany, and then, as he reads it,

he would tread on the daffodil.

The Star! It's getting smaller.

It's like a sea of gold! Golden syrup, more like.

'That is a nice dramatic ending.' 'But life doesn't work like that,

and there are other things that have to happen.'...

'There is the Octavo, for example,

and many of the observers realised that, dropping...

towards them, is the single most magical thing on the Discworld.'

OK? Right. Come on. Oh, dear.

'Later, Twoflower did ask the Luggage what it had done with the Octavo.'

'But its expression could only be described as...'

What are they doing now? '..wooden.'

They're trying to open the Luggage.

It's a nice day. Air like wine!

Rincewind, I've decided - You know, I think I might re-enrol.

I think I could make a good go of...

this magic thing, and graduate very well.

Because they do say that if it's summa cum laude, then, the living is easy!

That's good, because - And, of course, there's plenty of...

room up top, now that the big boys are on doorstep duty.

Will they be able to turn back?

Probably not.

Will they be able to do something with Trymon?

Yes! He'll make a very nice rockery.

Go on! You go and sort this all out.

- I think I could do very well with this magic lark.

The thing is, I'm going home.

And a sharp lad, who's had some experience...

of the world, could quite easily...

- Sorry. What did you say? - I said I'm going home.

- What home?

Home, home. Back across the sea, where I live.

It occurred to me last night, all this travelling and seeing things is fine,

but there's a lot of fun to be had in having been.

You know, putting your pictures in a book, remembering things...

And the important thing about having a lot of things...

to remember is that you have to have some place

to go afterwards where you can remember them.

You haven't really been anywhere until you've got back home.

Oh, good. Well, if that's the way you see it,...

when are you going?

Today, I think. There's bound to be a ship going part of the way.

Yes, I... I expect so.

That settles it then.

He'll drop me at the Brown Islands, and I can easily

get a ship from there.

Oh, well. Great.

You found a priest, then. Yes.

And Cohen didn't even try to kill him for his valuables.

It's a great dress. Thank you. I stole it myself.

Look, this is for you two.

Oh! I know it can be expensive, setting up home for the 1st time.

Or a small kingdom, even.

I've also thought about something I can give you.

Oh! Really, no. You don't have to, er...

It's all yours. I don't need it any more,

and it won't really fit on my wardrobe.

What?

The Luggage! Don't you want it? Oh! Luggage!

Yes. But it's yours! It follows you. It won't follow me.

Luggage? This is Rincewind.

You're his now, right?

It doesn't really belong to anyone but itself, really.

Well... I guess this is it.

Yes.

Goodbye, Rincewind. When I get...

home I'll send you a postcard or something.

Oh, come here.

And, er, any time you're passing,

someone here is bound to know where I am.

... I guess that's about it, then. Yes. That's about it, right enough.

Right.

Right.

No, no, no! Don't want you. I give you to yourself.

You understand?

I said I don't want you! Go! Go away!

Alright! Come on.

So... does that mean the Star turtle's female, then?

Well, in my opinion, it's all a question of perspective.

IMS Subtitles accessibility@bskyb. com

Swedish text: Group Greenock The independent translators

English auto translation and short revision by GSTKEIN...