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1
00:00:00,031 --> 00:00:02,515
- All right, gotta go to work.
- Oh.
2
00:00:03,025 --> 00:00:06,145
- Got any plans for today?
- Oh, many.
3
00:00:06,170 --> 00:00:08,015
I am going to look for a second stick
4
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,741
to match the main
stick I found yesterday.
5
00:00:11,519 --> 00:00:13,675
Hey, you're not so bored
6
00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:15,042
being left home alone all day
7
00:00:15,066 --> 00:00:16,599
that you're going insane, right?
8
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:18,067
No. Of course not.
9
00:00:18,136 --> 00:00:20,490
Though I guess I'd be the last to know.
10
00:00:20,515 --> 00:00:21,880
(laughs)
11
00:00:21,905 --> 00:00:24,541
(both laughing)
12
00:00:24,576 --> 00:00:25,675
(inhales)
13
00:00:25,744 --> 00:00:27,243
- Ah...
- Yeah.
14
00:00:27,312 --> 00:00:29,725
So, we need to get you
into the outside world.
15
00:00:29,750 --> 00:00:31,118
You think you're ready for that?
16
00:00:31,143 --> 00:00:33,321
Yes. I would like to take a walk to town
17
00:00:33,346 --> 00:00:34,875
and maybe get an ice cream.
18
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,352
That sounds great.
19
00:00:36,421 --> 00:00:37,516
(exhales)
20
00:00:37,541 --> 00:00:40,290
Lucille, get out your best hat.
21
00:00:40,358 --> 00:00:41,874
We're going to market!
22
00:00:41,899 --> 00:00:44,391
Uh, what? What's that, Lucille?
23
00:00:44,508 --> 00:00:47,030
Oh, no. Lucille.
24
00:00:47,098 --> 00:00:48,465
Lucille's saying that she's tired
25
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:50,661
and she wants to stay
home and take a nap.
26
00:00:50,686 --> 00:00:52,202
(laughs)
27
00:00:52,270 --> 00:00:54,637
She's a stick; she can't talk.
28
00:00:55,674 --> 00:00:57,073
Right, but...
29
00:00:57,142 --> 00:00:58,374
but you... but...
30
00:00:58,443 --> 00:01:00,443
♪ ♪
31
00:01:00,468 --> 00:01:04,068
Synced and corrected by Aaronnmb
www.addic7ed.com
32
00:01:04,683 --> 00:01:06,392
Oh, man! Is that sushi?
33
00:01:06,417 --> 00:01:07,749
Yep. (clears throat)
34
00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:09,751
Oh, I've been meaning to try that.
35
00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,276
You want some?
36
00:01:11,301 --> 00:01:13,667
Dude, that's so nice of you.
I wasn't even thinking that.
37
00:01:13,692 --> 00:01:14,837
DEBORAH: Daniel.
38
00:01:14,862 --> 00:01:17,826
I need to borrow $200,000, please.
39
00:01:17,861 --> 00:01:18,909
Okay. Why?
40
00:01:18,934 --> 00:01:20,112
The ice cream shop is for sale,
41
00:01:20,137 --> 00:01:21,706
and I'd like to buy it.
42
00:01:21,731 --> 00:01:23,265
- Deb, that's a great idea.
- (laughs)
43
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:26,145
Chris, I need to
borrow $300,000, please.
44
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,769
I don't have that kind of money.
45
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,997
What are you talking about?
Yes, you do. You're rich.
46
00:01:30,022 --> 00:01:32,413
- I'm not rich.
- Yes, you are.
47
00:01:32,438 --> 00:01:34,538
You have things on your wall
that aren't movie posters.
48
00:01:34,563 --> 00:01:36,405
You mean art? I'm not rich.
49
00:01:36,476 --> 00:01:37,909
I'm actually in a lot of debt.
50
00:01:37,978 --> 00:01:40,418
Up until a month ago, I was
definitely gonna get tenure,
51
00:01:40,443 --> 00:01:42,871
so I was spending pretty irresponsibly.
52
00:01:42,916 --> 00:01:44,082
What happened a month ago?
53
00:01:44,150 --> 00:01:45,450
I met Dan.
54
00:01:45,519 --> 00:01:47,752
You would think a history professor
55
00:01:47,777 --> 00:01:49,454
with access to a time machine
56
00:01:49,523 --> 00:01:50,787
would be a positive thing,
57
00:01:50,812 --> 00:01:53,458
but instead my career's
been totally derailed.
58
00:01:53,527 --> 00:01:56,574
Wait. You're a history professor.
59
00:01:56,599 --> 00:01:58,833
You have a time machine.
60
00:01:58,974 --> 00:02:01,766
There's no way to turn that into money?
61
00:02:01,835 --> 00:02:03,668
- Hmm.
- DAN: Hey, what's this green stuff?
62
00:02:03,693 --> 00:02:06,271
- It's guacamole.
- Oh-ho, I love guacamole!
63
00:02:06,339 --> 00:02:08,134
Guac 'n' roll, baby!
64
00:02:08,159 --> 00:02:09,565
Yeah.
65
00:02:10,518 --> 00:02:12,010
- (growling)
- Uh, Dan?
66
00:02:12,078 --> 00:02:13,945
(growling)
67
00:02:14,014 --> 00:02:16,848
CHRIS: Okay, guys, let's
time-travel to make some money.
68
00:02:16,917 --> 00:02:20,795
We are gonna bet on the
World Series of baseball.
69
00:02:21,498 --> 00:02:23,288
Like Back to the Future II.
70
00:02:24,092 --> 00:02:25,887
- What do you mean?
- Your plan.
71
00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:27,825
It's the same plan from the second
Back to the Future movie.
72
00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:29,152
I never saw those movies.
73
00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:30,997
- What?!
- DEBORAH: They're quite good.
74
00:02:31,022 --> 00:02:33,677
Chris, you must see them. And
stealing their plan is a great idea.
75
00:02:33,702 --> 00:02:35,101
Nice work, Chris!
76
00:02:35,126 --> 00:02:37,422
Okay, except it's not stealing...
77
00:02:37,454 --> 00:02:39,230
because this is my own separate plan
78
00:02:39,255 --> 00:02:40,556
that I came up with.
79
00:02:40,581 --> 00:02:42,736
Oh, I see... so it's an original plan
80
00:02:42,761 --> 00:02:44,640
even though it's exactly the same.
81
00:02:45,394 --> 00:02:48,038
Yes. Now, the 1919 Series
82
00:02:48,063 --> 00:02:50,464
between the Chicago White
Sox and the Cincinnati Reds
83
00:02:50,489 --> 00:02:53,870
was already fixed, so we
won't be disturbing history
84
00:02:53,895 --> 00:02:55,308
by placing a bet on it.
85
00:02:55,333 --> 00:02:56,917
I get it, and I like it.
86
00:02:56,949 --> 00:02:58,282
And what's even better is,
87
00:02:58,351 --> 00:02:59,776
the people we'll be taking money from
88
00:02:59,801 --> 00:03:01,026
are bad people.
89
00:03:01,051 --> 00:03:02,897
Now I get it, and I like it.
90
00:03:02,922 --> 00:03:04,154
CHRIS: We're basically Robin Hood.
91
00:03:04,223 --> 00:03:05,816
You know, the sports
gambling world in those days
92
00:03:05,841 --> 00:03:07,691
was run by scumbag mobsters.
93
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,441
- Oh, the Mafia?
- Yeah.
94
00:03:09,466 --> 00:03:12,292
Sweet! I love the Mafia. I
know everything about them.
95
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,042
They're basically the best.
96
00:03:14,067 --> 00:03:15,566
Uh, they're violent sociopaths.
97
00:03:15,635 --> 00:03:17,001
Don't be such a wet blanket, Chris.
98
00:03:17,069 --> 00:03:19,370
They're classy and they say cool stuff.
99
00:03:19,405 --> 00:03:21,672
I've seen every Mafia TV show and movie.
100
00:03:21,707 --> 00:03:22,918
Uh, that won't be helpful.
101
00:03:22,943 --> 00:03:25,073
- I will make it helpful.
- It won't be.
102
00:03:25,098 --> 00:03:27,238
DAN: So, Chris, I've
been doing some research,
103
00:03:27,263 --> 00:03:29,575
and what you think is guacamole...
104
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,090
- is actually wasabi.
- What?!
105
00:03:32,115 --> 00:03:34,015
It's a Japanese spice mustard.
106
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,051
And you got to be careful
with that stuff, my friend.
107
00:03:36,076 --> 00:03:37,723
Yikes. Thank you for the heads-up.
108
00:03:37,748 --> 00:03:39,637
- Seriously.
- Hey...
109
00:03:40,226 --> 00:03:41,707
(quietly): check it out.
110
00:03:42,107 --> 00:03:44,457
I got this for Deb.
111
00:03:47,933 --> 00:03:50,473
- It's Chicago.
- Cool.
112
00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:52,948
Yeah. It is cool. I
don't know if you can tell,
113
00:03:52,973 --> 00:03:55,372
but I haven't always had
the best luck with women.
114
00:03:55,397 --> 00:03:57,668
You went 200 years in the
past to get a girlfriend.
115
00:03:57,693 --> 00:03:59,152
Right. You know, I
think where I went wrong
116
00:03:59,177 --> 00:04:00,635
in my previous relationships...
117
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,394
was that I wasn't romantic enough.
118
00:04:02,419 --> 00:04:04,223
And a snow globe is gonna solve that?
119
00:04:04,248 --> 00:04:06,533
It's not just a snow globe, Chris.
120
00:04:06,558 --> 00:04:07,682
Traveling through time
121
00:04:07,707 --> 00:04:09,481
on a romantic weekend to Chicago
122
00:04:09,506 --> 00:04:12,261
so I can win money and
buy that ice cream parlor
123
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:14,520
and Deb can have the job of her dreams.
124
00:04:15,661 --> 00:04:18,153
This is a symbol of
our new life together.
125
00:04:18,582 --> 00:04:19,887
That's really sweet, Dan.
126
00:04:19,912 --> 00:04:21,691
Oh, hey, I got you something, too.
127
00:04:21,716 --> 00:04:24,301
Turn it upside down,
her clothes come off.
128
00:04:24,504 --> 00:04:26,208
Wait, why would you
think I'd be into this?
129
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:27,809
Oh, well, I bought a white woman
130
00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:30,309
'cause I just didn't want to assume...
131
00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,585
Assume what?
132
00:04:32,610 --> 00:04:33,876
(takes deep breath)
133
00:04:33,901 --> 00:04:35,575
This feels like a minefield for me,
134
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,825
so... you're welcome.
135
00:04:38,082 --> 00:04:41,087
♪ ♪
136
00:04:42,552 --> 00:04:44,085
(cat yowls)
137
00:04:45,121 --> 00:04:47,087
(motor chugging)
138
00:04:48,324 --> 00:04:50,207
(old-fashioned car horn aoogas)
139
00:04:50,994 --> 00:04:53,995
♪ ♪
140
00:04:54,030 --> 00:04:57,532
Oh! 1919 Chicago!
141
00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,512
Ah, this is incredible!
142
00:04:59,537 --> 00:05:02,538
Oh, right, the past is still
kind of the future for you.
143
00:05:02,563 --> 00:05:04,893
You can almost feel the jazz in the air.
144
00:05:04,918 --> 00:05:06,215
I'm sorry, what?
145
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:07,278
I never told you this,
146
00:05:07,303 --> 00:05:10,321
but I blow a pretty
tasty licorice stick.
147
00:05:10,346 --> 00:05:11,778
I'm sorry, what?
148
00:05:11,803 --> 00:05:13,347
Jazz clarinet, amigo.
149
00:05:13,415 --> 00:05:14,614
What?
150
00:05:14,639 --> 00:05:16,013
Okay, I've done a lot of research,
151
00:05:16,038 --> 00:05:18,221
and I've prepared cover
stories for each of us.
152
00:05:18,246 --> 00:05:20,956
I'm gonna be Ellsworth "Bumpy" Johnson,
153
00:05:20,981 --> 00:05:23,643
the notorious black mobster from Harlem.
154
00:05:23,668 --> 00:05:25,684
Bumpy Johnson? That's the
name you're going with?
155
00:05:25,709 --> 00:05:28,799
Yes. And you're gonna be
Bugsy Siegel from Murder, Inc.
156
00:05:28,824 --> 00:05:30,870
They should let us
place a pretty big bet
157
00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:32,864
based on our names and reputations.
158
00:05:32,889 --> 00:05:36,309
Deb, you will be Bugsy's
girlfriend, Virginia Hill.
159
00:05:36,334 --> 00:05:37,832
No.
160
00:05:37,864 --> 00:05:40,246
- What do you mean, no?
- I don't want to be just a girlfriend.
161
00:05:40,271 --> 00:05:42,746
- I want to be my own gangster.
- Fine.
162
00:05:42,771 --> 00:05:44,981
There was a stickup artist
by the name of Rose Durante...
163
00:05:45,006 --> 00:05:46,907
they called her the Pretty Pants Bandit.
164
00:05:46,975 --> 00:05:48,528
Okay. I like it.
165
00:05:48,553 --> 00:05:51,588
(like old-time gangster):
Nyeh. And I'm Bugsy Siegel! See?
166
00:05:51,613 --> 00:05:53,714
And I'm Rose Durante.
167
00:05:53,749 --> 00:05:55,848
Stick 'em up! See?
168
00:05:56,176 --> 00:05:58,206
Please promise me you won't
talk like that the whole trip.
169
00:05:58,231 --> 00:05:59,737
Not the whole trip. See?
170
00:05:59,762 --> 00:06:01,098
Just most of it, Jack!
171
00:06:01,123 --> 00:06:03,590
(jazz playing)
172
00:06:05,729 --> 00:06:08,770
Do these people not
recognize Bumpy Johnson?
173
00:06:08,797 --> 00:06:10,356
DAN: You know, there's still
time to change the name.
174
00:06:10,381 --> 00:06:12,465
- I like the name. I'm keeping the name.
- (bartender clears throat)
175
00:06:12,490 --> 00:06:15,424
Did I, uh, hear you say
you're Bumpy Johnson?
176
00:06:15,465 --> 00:06:17,938
Yeah. Yeah, you heard that.
177
00:06:18,006 --> 00:06:20,573
And I'm looking to lay
down a big wager, too.
178
00:06:20,598 --> 00:06:23,557
Ah. I heard you don't
leave Harlem for nothin'.
179
00:06:23,582 --> 00:06:25,645
Why didn't you just
place your bet there?
180
00:06:25,681 --> 00:06:27,514
Yeah, why didn't I do that?
181
00:06:28,145 --> 00:06:31,051
Well, uh... I'm friends...
182
00:06:31,137 --> 00:06:32,957
with, uh, Bugsy Siegel.
183
00:06:32,982 --> 00:06:35,645
Everybody knows Bugsy
don't have no friends.
184
00:06:35,670 --> 00:06:37,575
Really? (chuckles)
185
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:38,825
They say that, huh?
186
00:06:38,850 --> 00:06:40,606
I'm the Pretty Pants Bandit.
187
00:06:40,631 --> 00:06:43,207
I've literally never
heard those words before.
188
00:06:44,126 --> 00:06:45,926
Get the hell out of here.
189
00:06:47,334 --> 00:06:50,872
I guess my ice cream
dreams are melting away.
190
00:06:53,076 --> 00:06:55,009
- I know Al Capone!
- (glass shatters)
191
00:06:55,343 --> 00:06:56,876
CHRIS (whispers): Dan,
what are you doing?
192
00:06:56,901 --> 00:06:58,302
DAN: That's right.
193
00:06:58,450 --> 00:07:00,271
I work with Al Capone.
194
00:07:00,794 --> 00:07:02,777
And I'm looking to put 100 large
195
00:07:02,802 --> 00:07:05,544
on the Reds to win the World Series.
196
00:07:05,748 --> 00:07:06,997
See?
197
00:07:07,382 --> 00:07:08,607
Yeah, I see.
198
00:07:08,632 --> 00:07:11,318
I mean, throwing that name around
without being able to back it up...
199
00:07:11,387 --> 00:07:13,551
(laughs): that'd be suicide.
200
00:07:14,519 --> 00:07:16,770
I'll get you boys a marker.
201
00:07:16,795 --> 00:07:18,481
Daniel, that was amazing.
202
00:07:18,506 --> 00:07:19,512
Pretty smart, right?
203
00:07:19,537 --> 00:07:20,932
See, what I realized was
204
00:07:20,957 --> 00:07:22,787
we were using all the
names of New York gangsters,
205
00:07:22,812 --> 00:07:24,129
but, duh, we're in Chicago...
206
00:07:24,154 --> 00:07:25,848
we need to just use the
names of Chicago gangsters,
207
00:07:25,873 --> 00:07:26,973
so that's what I did.
208
00:07:26,998 --> 00:07:29,135
The reason I wanted to be from New York
209
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,749
and, very specifically, not Chicago,
210
00:07:30,774 --> 00:07:33,209
was so that we could
avoid the homicidal maniacs
211
00:07:33,234 --> 00:07:34,460
we are lying about.
212
00:07:34,485 --> 00:07:35,632
Don't be salty, Chris,
213
00:07:35,657 --> 00:07:38,231
just because your PhD
means nothing here,
214
00:07:38,256 --> 00:07:39,788
and I know everything about
this place and these people,
215
00:07:39,813 --> 00:07:41,773
'cause I've seen The
Untouchables once on cable.
216
00:07:41,841 --> 00:07:43,007
This is really dangerous.
217
00:07:43,076 --> 00:07:44,758
Chris, if anything bad happens,
218
00:07:44,783 --> 00:07:46,377
we have a time machine.
219
00:07:46,402 --> 00:07:48,235
We'll be like, "Bye..."
220
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:49,424
DAN: She's right.
221
00:07:49,449 --> 00:07:52,450
Until then, this is
basically Mafia fantasy camp.
222
00:07:53,593 --> 00:07:55,658
Thank you, Sweet Lou.
223
00:07:57,533 --> 00:07:58,856
Drink up.
224
00:07:58,925 --> 00:08:00,491
Oh, n-no. We didn't, um...
225
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:01,993
You're with Capone.
226
00:08:02,018 --> 00:08:03,985
You don't have to pay for anything.
227
00:08:04,510 --> 00:08:06,658
DAN: I... think we're
gonna like it here.
228
00:08:10,737 --> 00:08:12,737
(laughter)
229
00:08:21,247 --> 00:08:23,381
♪ ♪
230
00:08:29,289 --> 00:08:30,390
Hi.
231
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,733
(clarinet featured)
232
00:08:45,438 --> 00:08:49,073
(instruments other than clarinet fading)
233
00:09:00,271 --> 00:09:01,821
CHRIS: How's everybody doing?
234
00:09:02,524 --> 00:09:04,188
Watch me for the changes.
235
00:09:04,224 --> 00:09:05,910
And try to keep up, okay?
236
00:09:05,935 --> 00:09:07,335
Oh, God.
237
00:09:07,395 --> 00:09:10,547
(playing intro to "Ants Marching")
238
00:09:17,605 --> 00:09:19,868
(people exclaiming happily)
239
00:09:20,049 --> 00:09:21,982
Is this "Ants Marching"?
240
00:09:22,442 --> 00:09:24,275
I guess you wouldn't know.
241
00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:32,688
MAN: Hey, Brian. It's your cousin Troy.
242
00:09:33,386 --> 00:09:34,719
What?
243
00:09:34,787 --> 00:09:37,399
Troy! Troy!
244
00:09:37,868 --> 00:09:39,243
Nah! Troy!
245
00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:40,469
Hey, never mind! Forget it!
246
00:09:40,494 --> 00:09:42,188
I was gonna tell you
about this new sound...
247
00:09:42,235 --> 00:09:43,701
No, I'm Troy!
248
00:09:44,305 --> 00:09:45,409
(whoops)
249
00:09:45,434 --> 00:09:47,243
- (applause, cheering)
- Yeah! Huh?
250
00:09:47,268 --> 00:09:48,839
Huh? What, now?
251
00:09:48,908 --> 00:09:51,609
(cheering, whistling)
252
00:09:52,779 --> 00:09:54,922
All right.
253
00:09:54,947 --> 00:09:56,180
(song ends)
254
00:09:56,215 --> 00:09:57,715
Big slam!
255
00:09:57,784 --> 00:09:59,717
(new song begins)
256
00:09:59,786 --> 00:10:02,228
Are you serious you've never
seen Back to the Future?
257
00:10:02,253 --> 00:10:04,021
Nope. Stop asking me.
258
00:10:04,329 --> 00:10:06,314
Here's to being debt-free.
259
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,837
Do something exciting with
your toast opportunity...
260
00:10:08,862 --> 00:10:10,133
we're traveling in time.
261
00:10:10,158 --> 00:10:11,509
To winning!
262
00:10:11,534 --> 00:10:12,867
To #winning.
263
00:10:13,194 --> 00:10:14,493
To tiger blood.
264
00:10:14,518 --> 00:10:16,417
Which I guess we found
out is just AIDS blood.
265
00:10:16,442 --> 00:10:17,892
So, to winning!
266
00:10:17,931 --> 00:10:18,986
To winning.
267
00:10:19,011 --> 00:10:22,468
To winning money to
buy an ice cream parlor.
268
00:10:22,493 --> 00:10:25,463
With our bet on a crooked World Series.
269
00:10:25,488 --> 00:10:27,639
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Clink.
270
00:10:27,708 --> 00:10:29,140
DAN: Mmm.
271
00:10:30,220 --> 00:10:31,843
- Deb, I, uh...
- Mmm.
272
00:10:33,142 --> 00:10:34,779
... I got you this.
273
00:10:34,848 --> 00:10:36,247
(gasps softly)
274
00:10:36,316 --> 00:10:38,306
It's just a little memento from...
275
00:10:38,331 --> 00:10:40,275
me to you to remember the trip.
276
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:43,431
Oh, Daniel, it's wonderful.
277
00:10:43,939 --> 00:10:48,167
Daniel... no one's ever
given me something before.
278
00:10:48,902 --> 00:10:50,061
Oh...
279
00:10:50,097 --> 00:10:52,430
What did I do to deserve this?
280
00:10:52,712 --> 00:10:54,041
You're you.
281
00:10:55,761 --> 00:10:57,402
Look at the snow.
282
00:10:57,550 --> 00:10:59,058
CHRIS: Interesting fact...
283
00:10:59,091 --> 00:11:00,839
that's not snow, it's glitter.
284
00:11:00,907 --> 00:11:04,300
And they add glycerin to the
water to increase viscosity.
285
00:11:04,854 --> 00:11:06,197
Thanks.
286
00:11:06,222 --> 00:11:08,019
Thank you for keeping us all safe.
287
00:11:08,043 --> 00:11:09,464
I think we all would have freaked out
288
00:11:09,489 --> 00:11:11,621
if we thought that that
was real snow in there.
289
00:11:11,714 --> 00:11:13,980
MAN: Sorry to interrupt.
290
00:11:14,005 --> 00:11:16,298
Is it true you guys work for Al Capone?
291
00:11:16,323 --> 00:11:18,019
Less like work for Al Capone;
292
00:11:18,044 --> 00:11:19,831
more like work with Al Capone.
293
00:11:19,856 --> 00:11:22,422
Yeah, yeah, it's like
an equal partnership.
294
00:11:22,491 --> 00:11:24,624
- See, buster?
- (laughter)
295
00:11:24,649 --> 00:11:26,082
Eh, scram, you crumbug!
296
00:11:26,107 --> 00:11:27,300
Get out of here! Heh-heh.
297
00:11:27,331 --> 00:11:29,418
Uh, my apologies. I should've known.
298
00:11:29,443 --> 00:11:32,244
After all, I am Al Capone.
299
00:11:32,313 --> 00:11:33,816
(hammer cocks)
300
00:11:35,116 --> 00:11:36,964
(chatter muted)
301
00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:38,455
(chuckles nervously)
302
00:11:38,953 --> 00:11:40,285
Ugh...
303
00:11:41,695 --> 00:11:43,031
Mr. Capone, let me start by saying
304
00:11:43,056 --> 00:11:44,359
we are really, really sorry.
305
00:11:44,384 --> 00:11:45,756
I hope we didn't offend you at all.
306
00:11:45,781 --> 00:11:47,195
We'll just leave.
307
00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:49,898
- Would you like this snow globe?
- Oh, really?
308
00:11:49,923 --> 00:11:51,773
CHRIS: Interesting fact... if you
think that's regular water in there,
309
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,156
no, they pumped it full of glycerin.
310
00:11:53,181 --> 00:11:54,437
Shut up.
311
00:11:54,462 --> 00:11:55,850
You're not going anywhere,
312
00:11:55,896 --> 00:11:57,875
until somebody tells me...
313
00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:00,532
why a New York crew
I've never seen before...
314
00:12:00,601 --> 00:12:02,513
is running around my town
315
00:12:02,538 --> 00:12:04,445
using... my name.
316
00:12:04,470 --> 00:12:06,328
There is a good explanation for it.
317
00:12:07,195 --> 00:12:09,062
And that explanation is that, uh,
318
00:12:09,087 --> 00:12:11,187
we-we-we-we do know you.
319
00:12:11,633 --> 00:12:14,547
You-you don't remember us,
'cause we met ten years ago,
320
00:12:14,572 --> 00:12:16,242
and we all look different now.
321
00:12:16,267 --> 00:12:18,039
I-I got fat.
322
00:12:18,064 --> 00:12:20,297
I gained a lot of weight,
'cause I'm a stress eater,
323
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:22,422
and I've had a lot on my plate.
324
00:12:24,203 --> 00:12:26,024
You know, I'm picturing you skinny.
325
00:12:26,093 --> 00:12:28,140
Yeah. Yeah, I can see it.
326
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:30,095
That would really slim down your face.
327
00:12:30,163 --> 00:12:31,797
Yes, I have fat face features.
328
00:12:31,822 --> 00:12:33,588
- Yeah, you have fat face features.
- All right.
329
00:12:33,719 --> 00:12:34,930
- What about them?!
- Aah!
330
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,936
I... I changed my hair.
331
00:12:38,077 --> 00:12:40,703
- Hair really does make a difference.
- Yes, it does.
332
00:12:40,728 --> 00:12:43,631
It acts as, like, a
frame for the whole head.
333
00:12:43,656 --> 00:12:45,133
It does make a difference.
334
00:12:45,158 --> 00:12:46,282
- What did he change?!
- Oh.
335
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,736
He actually didn't change anything.
336
00:12:47,781 --> 00:12:49,086
He's not memorable.
337
00:12:49,111 --> 00:12:51,734
I'm memorable. I play the clarinet.
338
00:12:51,818 --> 00:12:52,846
Wow.
339
00:12:52,871 --> 00:12:54,994
Even as he was saying that,
I was, like, tuning him out.
340
00:12:55,019 --> 00:12:56,454
- Right? Right?
- (laughing)
341
00:12:56,523 --> 00:12:57,555
- Right?
- Yeah.
342
00:12:57,624 --> 00:12:59,713
(others laughing)
343
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,127
I don't know, guys.
344
00:13:02,541 --> 00:13:05,025
This all sounds a
little hard to believe.
345
00:13:05,129 --> 00:13:07,534
But you were just
believing it seconds ago.
346
00:13:07,559 --> 00:13:08,604
Think about it.
347
00:13:08,629 --> 00:13:11,594
A crew of legit gangsters,
348
00:13:11,619 --> 00:13:13,916
who I haven't seen in a long time,
349
00:13:13,941 --> 00:13:18,250
comes to town on the very
same day my normal crew...
350
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:20,995
is all sick with scarlet fever?
351
00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:22,752
Your whole crew came down with
scarlet fever on the same day?
352
00:13:22,777 --> 00:13:24,502
You know what that means?!
353
00:13:24,527 --> 00:13:26,194
It means I don't have
354
00:13:26,219 --> 00:13:28,286
to cancel the stickup I planned!
355
00:13:28,322 --> 00:13:29,369
- Oh!
- Yay!
356
00:13:29,394 --> 00:13:30,580
- Whoo! Yay!
- Am I the luckiest...
357
00:13:30,605 --> 00:13:31,905
damn guy in the world?!
358
00:13:31,930 --> 00:13:33,058
Yeah!
359
00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:34,125
Yay!
360
00:13:34,194 --> 00:13:35,994
(yelling)
361
00:13:39,023 --> 00:13:40,989
Some wiseguys have been
running a poker game
362
00:13:41,050 --> 00:13:42,983
without giving me a piece of the action.
363
00:13:43,008 --> 00:13:44,102
Those fiends.
364
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,204
So we're gonna go in
there and take our cut...
365
00:13:46,229 --> 00:13:49,272
that'll teach them not to invite me.
366
00:13:49,297 --> 00:13:50,571
DAN: Now, Al,
367
00:13:50,596 --> 00:13:52,524
could you maybe, possibly...
368
00:13:52,549 --> 00:13:54,335
not really be mad about the money
369
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:57,071
and be upset that you didn't
get invited to the poker game?
370
00:13:57,096 --> 00:13:58,496
Yeah.
371
00:13:58,688 --> 00:14:00,638
Forgettable, you're on crowd control.
372
00:14:00,663 --> 00:14:02,718
You go in there, and
someone tries to be a hero,
373
00:14:02,743 --> 00:14:03,922
you waste 'em!
374
00:14:03,947 --> 00:14:05,161
- What?
- Fatface!
375
00:14:05,186 --> 00:14:07,461
- Fatf... uh, yes, Fatface.
- Yeah, you, Fatface! Fatface.
376
00:14:07,486 --> 00:14:09,821
When we get in there,
you take out the bodyguard
377
00:14:09,846 --> 00:14:11,102
just inside the door!
378
00:14:11,127 --> 00:14:12,454
- Take him out, like, with a gun?
- Yeah.
379
00:14:12,479 --> 00:14:13,832
Shoot him in the face!
380
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:15,039
Shoot him in the face?
381
00:14:15,064 --> 00:14:17,702
Long-hair, you are our getaway driver.
382
00:14:17,727 --> 00:14:20,517
Oh, then I will drive the car with my...
383
00:14:20,542 --> 00:14:22,141
hands and feet. I know how.
384
00:14:22,166 --> 00:14:23,875
Okay, well, the shifter
is a little tricky,
385
00:14:23,944 --> 00:14:26,511
so let me take a moment
to show you how to work it.
386
00:14:27,848 --> 00:14:29,848
(whispering): Dude, check it out.
387
00:14:29,916 --> 00:14:31,274
The time machine.
388
00:14:31,299 --> 00:14:32,450
Put that away.
389
00:14:32,519 --> 00:14:33,782
What are you...
390
00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:36,594
Smart.
391
00:14:36,619 --> 00:14:38,690
A bag to carry the money.
392
00:14:38,759 --> 00:14:40,821
I'm always running out
with it in my hands,
393
00:14:40,846 --> 00:14:43,728
dropping wads everywhere
like a big galoot!
394
00:14:43,797 --> 00:14:46,219
Oh! That is great.
395
00:14:46,244 --> 00:14:47,305
- Give me this.
- Nope.
396
00:14:47,330 --> 00:14:48,430
- Give me this.
- No.
397
00:14:48,485 --> 00:14:50,194
- It's a bag for the money!
- Right.
398
00:14:50,219 --> 00:14:52,016
You know what? I like you guys.
399
00:14:52,041 --> 00:14:53,094
I really do.
400
00:14:53,119 --> 00:14:55,157
Okay! Keep the car running!
401
00:14:55,182 --> 00:14:58,533
Let's... do it!
402
00:14:58,558 --> 00:15:00,204
Whoo-hoo! Man!
403
00:15:00,235 --> 00:15:02,035
- Oops.
- Oh, yeah!
404
00:15:02,104 --> 00:15:05,789
So, Al Capone has our time machine.
405
00:15:05,814 --> 00:15:07,593
Good job, everybody.
406
00:15:07,618 --> 00:15:09,543
He said "oops," Chris.
407
00:15:09,611 --> 00:15:12,579
(automatic gunfire, people screaming)
408
00:15:14,946 --> 00:15:16,683
- (gunfire stops)
- Well, hopefully, he's done shooting.
409
00:15:16,752 --> 00:15:18,391
- (gunfire)
- CHRIS: He isn't.
410
00:15:18,415 --> 00:15:20,649
You think he's gonna be mad
we didn't go in there with him?
411
00:15:20,674 --> 00:15:22,764
Wah-hoo!
412
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,022
(laughs loudly)
413
00:15:24,047 --> 00:15:25,704
Let's go!
414
00:15:25,729 --> 00:15:28,534
Let's move. Let's move,
move, move, move, move!
415
00:15:28,559 --> 00:15:32,164
(engine grinding)
416
00:15:32,189 --> 00:15:34,229
- (horn aooga'ing)
- Oh! I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
417
00:15:34,254 --> 00:15:35,297
- DAN: It's okay.
- Oh!
418
00:15:35,322 --> 00:15:36,719
I'm sorry.
419
00:15:37,930 --> 00:15:41,125
So, I guess you guys aren't,
like, real gangsters, huh?
420
00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:42,438
DAN: Nope.
421
00:15:42,688 --> 00:15:45,071
CAPONE: Let's go. Come on.
422
00:15:47,453 --> 00:15:50,164
Come on, boys, let's
go have a little talk.
423
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:52,073
Why don't you, uh, stay up here
424
00:15:52,098 --> 00:15:55,039
and, uh, help my dinner
lady make-a the pasta.
425
00:15:55,064 --> 00:15:56,305
Come on.
426
00:15:58,310 --> 00:16:00,172
Arms up, boys.
427
00:16:00,197 --> 00:16:01,766
I got to check for weapons.
428
00:16:01,829 --> 00:16:04,133
Come on. Turn around.
429
00:16:08,209 --> 00:16:09,475
Uh-oh.
430
00:16:10,738 --> 00:16:12,037
Oh.
431
00:16:12,477 --> 00:16:14,807
Hachi machi!
432
00:16:14,875 --> 00:16:16,375
Who's the dame?
433
00:16:16,633 --> 00:16:17,938
Boy, what I wouldn't give to see
434
00:16:17,963 --> 00:16:20,000
what's underneath
that bathing suit, huh?
435
00:16:20,025 --> 00:16:21,824
Turn her upside down.
436
00:16:25,157 --> 00:16:27,820
Hachi machi!
437
00:16:28,172 --> 00:16:29,855
And there's more where that came from.
438
00:16:29,924 --> 00:16:31,123
Really?
439
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,499
- No.
- Why would you tell him that?
440
00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:33,924
No, I don't know why I said that.
441
00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:35,225
All right, boys,
442
00:16:35,294 --> 00:16:37,390
why don't you give me one good reason
443
00:16:37,415 --> 00:16:40,450
why I don't blow both
your brains out right now.
444
00:16:40,808 --> 00:16:42,089
And before you do,
445
00:16:42,114 --> 00:16:44,839
let me give you a list of
reasons I've heard in the past
446
00:16:44,864 --> 00:16:46,558
that I would prefer not to hear again.
447
00:16:46,583 --> 00:16:47,644
- Good?
- Yes, sir.
448
00:16:47,669 --> 00:16:49,714
One... "I'm getting married."
449
00:16:49,739 --> 00:16:53,058
Did my invitation get lost in the mail?
450
00:16:53,083 --> 00:16:55,729
If I'm just now hearing
about your wedding,
451
00:16:55,754 --> 00:16:57,628
- how do you think that makes me feel?
- Bad.
452
00:16:57,653 --> 00:17:01,026
Two... "I'm going to
the follies tomorrow"!
453
00:17:01,051 --> 00:17:03,565
All right, um... are you going alone?
454
00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:06,042
Do you only have one ticket?
455
00:17:07,075 --> 00:17:08,541
Or do you in fact...
456
00:17:08,610 --> 00:17:10,707
have several tickets,
457
00:17:10,732 --> 00:17:14,066
I just didn't even get
a courtesy phone call?
458
00:17:14,354 --> 00:17:17,170
They're taking an awfully long time.
459
00:17:17,205 --> 00:17:20,740
Al kind of tells me to keep
my nose out of his business.
460
00:17:20,809 --> 00:17:22,798
He called you his "dinner lady."
461
00:17:22,823 --> 00:17:24,377
Is that a fun job?
462
00:17:24,420 --> 00:17:26,167
Uh, I'm his wife.
463
00:17:26,192 --> 00:17:28,144
That's just what he calls me.
464
00:17:28,349 --> 00:17:30,082
That's terrible.
465
00:17:30,151 --> 00:17:31,511
All the time?
466
00:17:31,536 --> 00:17:34,720
Um, ever since we were
married when I was 16.
467
00:17:34,745 --> 00:17:35,769
What?
468
00:17:35,794 --> 00:17:38,378
That hasn't changed
since I was growing up?
469
00:17:39,543 --> 00:17:41,176
When did you grow up?
470
00:17:41,776 --> 00:17:43,808
The same time that you did, of course.
471
00:17:43,833 --> 00:17:45,448
Then why would you say it like that?
472
00:17:45,473 --> 00:17:47,269
Because... I thought that...
473
00:17:47,294 --> 00:17:49,230
when I was younger that it would change,
474
00:17:49,255 --> 00:17:52,371
because I am now an
adult, and that's all.
475
00:17:52,407 --> 00:17:55,644
Ah. I guess that is kind of strange.
476
00:17:56,979 --> 00:17:58,377
Tell me...
477
00:17:58,542 --> 00:18:00,105
what else do we both dislike
478
00:18:00,130 --> 00:18:02,136
about our place in modern times?
479
00:18:02,161 --> 00:18:03,694
Um, well...
480
00:18:03,924 --> 00:18:06,440
I... I guess I wish I was allowed to go
481
00:18:06,465 --> 00:18:08,855
to the end of my driveway
without permission.
482
00:18:08,923 --> 00:18:12,308
And, um, sometimes I
wish I were allowed...
483
00:18:13,042 --> 00:18:14,183
You know what, I shouldn't say it.
484
00:18:14,208 --> 00:18:16,308
What? What? Say it.
485
00:18:16,784 --> 00:18:17,972
To talk in church.
486
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:20,089
- (gasps)
- Yes, I know, I'm bad, I'm bad.
487
00:18:20,114 --> 00:18:21,654
You're so bad!
488
00:18:21,679 --> 00:18:23,412
What would you say?
489
00:18:23,738 --> 00:18:25,050
"Nice hat."
490
00:18:25,075 --> 00:18:26,987
(both laughing)
491
00:18:27,012 --> 00:18:28,534
I know.
492
00:18:29,347 --> 00:18:30,710
We should stop this.
493
00:18:30,778 --> 00:18:32,292
Al wouldn't like it.
494
00:18:32,317 --> 00:18:34,551
But we were just getting
to know each other.
495
00:18:34,576 --> 00:18:36,182
You're very nice.
496
00:18:36,217 --> 00:18:38,371
But you seem like trouble, and, um,
497
00:18:38,396 --> 00:18:41,003
I need to focus when
I make-a the pasta.
498
00:18:46,496 --> 00:18:48,194
DAN: Anyway, Al,
499
00:18:48,604 --> 00:18:50,348
uh...
500
00:18:50,934 --> 00:18:53,035
"I have band practice tomorrow."
501
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:54,726
One guy said that to me.
502
00:18:55,136 --> 00:18:57,270
I... play...
503
00:18:57,338 --> 00:18:59,705
the... drums.
504
00:18:59,774 --> 00:19:02,262
Everybody knows that about me.
505
00:19:02,287 --> 00:19:06,332
I-I'm not saying I got to
be the drummer in every band,
506
00:19:06,357 --> 00:19:09,035
but how about an audition, at least?
507
00:19:10,189 --> 00:19:11,956
As a fellow musician, I have to say
508
00:19:11,981 --> 00:19:13,897
I find that to be quite rude.
509
00:19:13,922 --> 00:19:15,528
God, please don't let
the last thing I hear
510
00:19:15,553 --> 00:19:17,695
be you blabbering about your clarinet.
511
00:19:18,398 --> 00:19:19,795
Time's up, boys!
512
00:19:19,820 --> 00:19:21,187
What are your reasons?!
513
00:19:21,212 --> 00:19:23,696
Um, I-I'm, um, waiting for a package.
514
00:19:23,765 --> 00:19:26,465
And it's supposed to be delivered,
and I've missed it twice.
515
00:19:26,534 --> 00:19:28,110
Because my day's so busy.
516
00:19:28,135 --> 00:19:30,055
And-and-and if I miss it a third time,
517
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,172
I'm gonna have to go
down to the post office,
518
00:19:31,197 --> 00:19:32,694
it's gonna be a whole thing.
519
00:19:32,719 --> 00:19:35,007
Wh-what's in the package?
520
00:19:37,199 --> 00:19:39,527
- Body wash.
- Nope!
521
00:19:39,552 --> 00:19:42,558
A package was almost an
acceptable reason, but...
522
00:19:42,583 --> 00:19:43,902
But there's other things!
523
00:19:43,927 --> 00:19:45,699
There's other things in that package,
524
00:19:45,724 --> 00:19:47,901
Dan... tell him the other
things that are in the package!
525
00:19:47,926 --> 00:19:49,105
Paper towels and socks!
526
00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:50,763
Let's just get this over with. Good-bye.
527
00:19:50,788 --> 00:19:53,025
No! No! No! The World Series is fixed!
528
00:19:53,050 --> 00:19:54,979
The Chicago White Sox
are gonna throw it.
529
00:19:55,004 --> 00:19:56,856
And we're making a big
bet... we can cut you in,
530
00:19:56,881 --> 00:19:58,542
and we could all make a lot of money!
531
00:20:11,731 --> 00:20:13,064
(kiss)
532
00:20:15,444 --> 00:20:16,876
(whispers): Was that the kiss of death?
533
00:20:16,901 --> 00:20:18,440
What is that?
534
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:23,135
It's when you kiss someone
before you kill them.
535
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,096
Kiss 'em and then kill 'em?
536
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:28,588
That is sick.
537
00:20:29,364 --> 00:20:33,002
Boy, what a sick, cute
sweetie you turned out to be.
538
00:20:33,027 --> 00:20:35,194
Could we just have our bag back, please?
539
00:20:35,846 --> 00:20:37,065
Why don't we just wait and see
540
00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:40,987
how our little bet turns out
first, gentlemen, shall we?
541
00:20:42,410 --> 00:20:44,610
(closing door echoes, lock clacks)
542
00:20:45,229 --> 00:20:48,280
CHRIS: So we're stuck in 1919?
543
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:51,684
CAPONE: You know, I feel
like that all the time.
38200
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