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1
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Previoulsy on Making History.
2
00:00:02,058 --> 00:00:03,700
Hey, so you know how we wanted to take
3
00:00:03,701 --> 00:00:05,835
our Chicago money and buy
that ice cream parlor for Deb?
4
00:00:05,891 --> 00:00:07,357
Hi!
5
00:00:07,393 --> 00:00:10,327
Who wants ice cream?
6
00:00:10,362 --> 00:00:11,728
My future at this college
7
00:00:11,764 --> 00:00:13,664
depends on me
getting something from them.
8
00:00:15,034 --> 00:00:16,366
You just ruined my apartment!
9
00:00:16,402 --> 00:00:17,901
Tenure is off the table for you.
10
00:00:18,904 --> 00:00:22,706
I drank John Hancock's urine!
11
00:00:22,741 --> 00:00:24,141
Dan, you're fired from ice cream.
12
00:00:24,176 --> 00:00:25,175
What?
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00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:30,319
Synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
www.addic7ed.com
14
00:00:30,349 --> 00:00:31,715
All right,
15
00:00:31,750 --> 00:00:33,383
so you are my first official customers.
16
00:00:33,419 --> 00:00:36,153
I look forward to any opinions
17
00:00:36,188 --> 00:00:38,088
or suggestions.
18
00:00:38,123 --> 00:00:40,490
Deborah, my honest feedback:
this friggin' rules.
19
00:00:40,526 --> 00:00:41,692
Don't change a thing.
20
00:00:41,727 --> 00:00:43,593
Every tooth is in extreme pain,
21
00:00:43,629 --> 00:00:46,930
and my gout toe is
throbbing with bliss.
22
00:00:46,965 --> 00:00:48,665
Hey, where is Daniel?
23
00:00:48,701 --> 00:00:52,703
Oh, he hates good-byes,
so he's crying in the freezer.
24
00:00:52,738 --> 00:00:54,838
That sounds like something
I'd like to see.
25
00:00:54,873 --> 00:00:56,873
Nope. You're done.
26
00:00:56,909 --> 00:00:58,241
You ruined every part of my life,
27
00:00:58,277 --> 00:00:59,576
so we're going back to 1775.
28
00:00:59,611 --> 00:01:02,079
Mmm, mmm. Yum, yum.
29
00:01:02,114 --> 00:01:04,514
A perfect end to a perfect visit.
30
00:01:04,550 --> 00:01:05,482
Get in the bag.
31
00:01:06,719 --> 00:01:09,519
2017 blows! Adams out!
32
00:01:13,258 --> 00:01:14,958
Here you go.
33
00:01:16,795 --> 00:01:19,896
This is definitely not just
tap water in a plastic jug.
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00:01:19,932 --> 00:01:24,034
Who is this sturdy angel
who walks among us?
35
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Oh, that's Melanie.
She's my friend
36
00:01:26,405 --> 00:01:28,038
and a water delivery specialist.
37
00:01:28,073 --> 00:01:29,706
Well, thanks for
the water, Melanie.
38
00:01:29,742 --> 00:01:31,041
Bye. We were just leaving.
39
00:01:31,076 --> 00:01:32,976
Your hands are strong and calloused.
40
00:01:33,011 --> 00:01:35,045
Let us be lovers.
41
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,146
Or whisper, "Amour,"
42
00:01:36,181 --> 00:01:37,881
and I shall be yours
43
00:01:37,916 --> 00:01:39,583
for eternity.
44
00:01:39,618 --> 00:01:40,650
Adams back in!
45
00:01:40,686 --> 00:01:42,252
- We're staying.
- No!
46
00:01:42,287 --> 00:01:43,253
Yes!
47
00:01:43,288 --> 00:01:45,055
Melanie?
48
00:01:45,090 --> 00:01:48,825
♪ Your head is like a melon ♪
(guitar strumming)
49
00:01:48,861 --> 00:01:52,162
♪ Your body like a pear ♪
50
00:01:52,197 --> 00:01:55,530
♪ Your ears are like two turnips ♪
51
00:01:55,555 --> 00:01:59,718
♪ I want to eat your hair. ♪
52
00:02:01,206 --> 00:02:03,640
My favorite Colonial love song.
53
00:02:03,675 --> 00:02:05,976
Melanie! Watch!
54
00:02:09,348 --> 00:02:10,914
I performed a feat of tumbling!
55
00:02:10,949 --> 00:02:12,349
Did you look?
56
00:02:12,384 --> 00:02:14,651
- Were you looking?
- Hey, you guys are still here.
57
00:02:14,686 --> 00:02:16,019
Great somersault.
58
00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:17,587
- Are these guys in a play or something?
- Sure,
59
00:02:17,623 --> 00:02:18,455
that works.
60
00:02:18,490 --> 00:02:20,657
Well, you got some weirdo friends, Deb,
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00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:23,326
Oh, I got to go.
62
00:02:23,362 --> 00:02:26,263
My ex-stepdaughter's
stuck in a bumper car.
63
00:02:26,298 --> 00:02:29,266
But, Melanie, if you leave, I'll die!
64
00:02:30,836 --> 00:02:32,335
How am I not dead?
65
00:02:32,371 --> 00:02:35,472
I must possess her! I must, I must!
66
00:02:35,507 --> 00:02:36,873
Okay, enough.
67
00:02:36,909 --> 00:02:39,042
This isn't Colonial times.
68
00:02:39,077 --> 00:02:41,711
Melanie gets to decide
if she wants to be courted.
69
00:02:46,819 --> 00:02:47,984
Okay, Deb.
70
00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:49,486
Yeah, good one, Deb.
71
00:02:49,521 --> 00:02:50,487
Hey, she's serious.
72
00:02:50,522 --> 00:02:52,189
And Melanie's not being courted at all
73
00:02:52,224 --> 00:02:54,124
because you two are going home.
74
00:02:54,159 --> 00:02:56,693
No! I request that you
yield from this woman.
75
00:02:56,728 --> 00:03:00,697
And I request that you
drown yourself in a bog.
76
00:03:00,732 --> 00:03:02,065
That's a low blow.
77
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:05,001
Preying on my crippling fear of bogs!
78
00:03:05,037 --> 00:03:06,503
Guys!
79
00:03:06,538 --> 00:03:08,472
It's pronounced "blog."
80
00:03:08,507 --> 00:03:11,808
Don't worry, Daniel,
he won't do anything about it.
81
00:03:11,844 --> 00:03:14,578
He... is a poltroon.
82
00:03:16,348 --> 00:03:17,481
The "P" word.
83
00:03:17,516 --> 00:03:20,684
The most vile epithet
you can call a man.
84
00:03:20,719 --> 00:03:21,985
What's a poltroon?
85
00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:23,320
A coward.
86
00:03:23,355 --> 00:03:26,256
How dare you utter "poltroon" at me!
87
00:03:26,291 --> 00:03:28,925
I challenge you
88
00:03:28,961 --> 00:03:30,260
to...
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00:03:30,295 --> 00:03:31,862
a duel!
90
00:03:31,897 --> 00:03:33,230
Okay, okay, guys...
91
00:03:33,265 --> 00:03:35,065
Shh! This is actually
interesting to me,
92
00:03:35,100 --> 00:03:36,066
let it play out.
93
00:03:36,101 --> 00:03:37,000
A duel?
94
00:03:37,035 --> 00:03:39,269
Pistols in an open field.
95
00:03:39,304 --> 00:03:41,505
I accept.
96
00:03:41,540 --> 00:03:44,774
I can't wait to wear
a necklace of your teeth.
97
00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:48,612
I will defile your cadaver
with my "yoo-rine."
98
00:03:48,647 --> 00:03:50,714
I will mount your head on a pike
99
00:03:50,749 --> 00:03:52,516
and use it as a hat rack.
100
00:03:52,551 --> 00:03:54,184
Ugly hats only.
101
00:03:54,219 --> 00:03:56,920
I shall bury you
in a shallow grave,
102
00:03:56,955 --> 00:03:59,356
which will allow me to dig you up often
103
00:03:59,391 --> 00:04:01,124
and taunt your corpse!
104
00:04:01,159 --> 00:04:05,095
I can't wait to introduce
my bullet to your brains.
105
00:04:05,130 --> 00:04:08,565
I will dance a full jig
on your deceased chest!
106
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,200
Bullet brain. Chest dance!
107
00:04:10,235 --> 00:04:13,403
Yes! A real Colonial duel.
108
00:04:23,782 --> 00:04:25,048
Hey.
109
00:04:25,083 --> 00:04:26,249
You don't want to use
110
00:04:26,285 --> 00:04:28,051
the machine we have for laundry?
111
00:04:28,086 --> 00:04:30,220
Oh, this gets the clothes
much more crispy.
112
00:04:30,255 --> 00:04:33,256
Hmm. Crazy about all this
duel stuff, huh?
113
00:04:33,292 --> 00:04:34,224
Meh.
114
00:04:34,259 --> 00:04:35,959
Anyway, I have some great news.
115
00:04:35,994 --> 00:04:38,161
I know you fired me,
116
00:04:38,196 --> 00:04:40,497
but what is the most important
aspect of any business?
117
00:04:40,532 --> 00:04:42,566
- The door.
- What?
118
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Without it, people couldn't get inside.
119
00:04:45,337 --> 00:04:47,404
Right, yeah, no, act... okay, yeah.
120
00:04:47,439 --> 00:04:50,173
So what is the second
most important aspect
121
00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:51,741
of any business? I'll tell you.
122
00:04:51,777 --> 00:04:53,944
Publicity. Are you familiar
with that concept?
123
00:04:53,979 --> 00:04:55,512
I think so.
124
00:04:55,547 --> 00:04:57,847
Once, the grocer overcharged for barley,
125
00:04:57,883 --> 00:05:00,350
and so the villagers burned him alive.
126
00:05:00,385 --> 00:05:01,952
Yes, that would be bad publicity.
127
00:05:01,987 --> 00:05:03,286
But I managed to get
128
00:05:03,322 --> 00:05:05,088
our ice cream parlor
some good publicity.
129
00:05:05,123 --> 00:05:08,525
A story in the local newspaper,
the Bedford Examiner.
130
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,427
I thought the newspapers
were for serious discourse
131
00:05:10,462 --> 00:05:11,962
on contemporary issues.
132
00:05:11,997 --> 00:05:14,431
No way. Newspapers are for people
133
00:05:14,466 --> 00:05:17,667
who don't have cell phones,
to read while they poop.
134
00:05:19,871 --> 00:05:22,339
Okay, who's ready to test some weapons
135
00:05:22,374 --> 00:05:24,040
and kill each other for love?
136
00:05:24,076 --> 00:05:26,443
And we can choose whatever we want?
137
00:05:26,478 --> 00:05:27,444
- Sure.
- Yep.
138
00:05:27,479 --> 00:05:28,545
Hell yeah.
139
00:05:30,549 --> 00:05:31,681
What are you doing?
140
00:05:31,717 --> 00:05:33,350
If one of these guys
get hurt, that, like,
141
00:05:33,385 --> 00:05:35,118
affects history stuff, right?
142
00:05:35,153 --> 00:05:36,786
Duels are mostly just posturing.
143
00:05:36,822 --> 00:05:38,488
And besides, we're their "seconds."
144
00:05:38,523 --> 00:05:41,191
We can negotiate a deal
between them at any time.
145
00:05:41,226 --> 00:05:43,159
Yeah. Adams asked me to be his second,
146
00:05:43,195 --> 00:05:44,694
but I had already promised Hancock.
147
00:05:44,730 --> 00:05:47,864
What? Adams told me I was
his first second choice.
148
00:05:47,899 --> 00:05:50,500
Maybe he meant you were
his first second choice.
149
00:05:50,535 --> 00:05:53,003
Anyway, the best professors
150
00:05:53,038 --> 00:05:55,472
are always experts in one narrow field.
151
00:05:55,507 --> 00:05:58,141
Uh-huh. Like Dr. Cobell,
his field of expertise
152
00:05:58,176 --> 00:05:59,843
is Native American yarn.
153
00:05:59,878 --> 00:06:01,311
That is extremely narrow.
154
00:06:01,346 --> 00:06:03,179
If I witness this duel,
I'll have knowledge
155
00:06:03,215 --> 00:06:04,714
about history that no one else has.
156
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:06,316
They'll have to give me my job back.
157
00:06:06,351 --> 00:06:07,484
Guys!
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00:06:07,519 --> 00:06:09,819
These. I want this.
159
00:06:17,029 --> 00:06:21,031
Take that, ye wastrel!
Torn to bits by flaming lead!
160
00:06:21,066 --> 00:06:22,365
That be your fate!
161
00:06:22,401 --> 00:06:24,167
I've got you point blank,
162
00:06:24,202 --> 00:06:25,268
you mangy cur!
163
00:06:25,303 --> 00:06:26,503
You'll die in the gutter
164
00:06:26,538 --> 00:06:28,204
like a flyblown hog.
165
00:06:30,108 --> 00:06:32,442
Do you still think
this was a good idea?
166
00:06:32,477 --> 00:06:35,378
Yes. This is living history.
167
00:06:37,249 --> 00:06:39,282
We're getting a chance to see
what the actual Founding Fathers
168
00:06:39,317 --> 00:06:40,917
think about our current gun laws.
169
00:06:40,952 --> 00:06:44,054
Not getting a word.
170
00:06:44,089 --> 00:06:45,288
Gentlemen?
171
00:06:46,491 --> 00:06:48,024
Are these really the kinds of firearms
172
00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:49,359
you were thinking of
173
00:06:49,394 --> 00:06:50,860
when you drafted the Second Amendment?
174
00:06:50,896 --> 00:06:53,563
This is exactly what we had in mind!
175
00:06:57,469 --> 00:06:59,302
Hey, Hancock, that's your head!
176
00:07:00,544 --> 00:07:02,185
Deb, I'm sorry I spilled
the chocolate sprinkles
177
00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:03,406
into the rainbow sprinkles.
178
00:07:03,447 --> 00:07:05,260
I-I'll just pick 'em out with my hands.
179
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,094
Hi, uh,
180
00:07:09,233 --> 00:07:10,766
I'm Mona from the Bedford Examiner.
181
00:07:10,823 --> 00:07:13,557
Oh, yes, uh, please sit. I'm Dan, um,
182
00:07:13,656 --> 00:07:15,352
this is my girlfriend, Deb.
183
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:16,701
Can I just say,
184
00:07:16,726 --> 00:07:17,992
the article that you did
185
00:07:18,028 --> 00:07:19,527
about the mouse that destroyed
186
00:07:19,554 --> 00:07:21,353
the gazebo, that was just...
187
00:07:21,398 --> 00:07:22,707
riveting journalism.
188
00:07:22,732 --> 00:07:25,333
Thank you. That mouse was a real dick.
189
00:07:25,702 --> 00:07:27,702
I thought you might like to try
190
00:07:27,737 --> 00:07:29,203
our ice cream during the interview.
191
00:07:29,239 --> 00:07:30,738
I think you'll find it adequate.
192
00:07:33,476 --> 00:07:36,844
Mmm. Why so modest?
This is great ice cream.
193
00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,913
Being prideful won't attract customers.
194
00:07:38,949 --> 00:07:40,014
But I'm free to say that
195
00:07:40,050 --> 00:07:41,916
that is the best damn
ice cream in New England,
196
00:07:41,952 --> 00:07:43,551
and you can quote me on that.
197
00:07:43,587 --> 00:07:44,819
Go ahead.
198
00:07:45,889 --> 00:07:46,854
Write it down.
199
00:07:46,890 --> 00:07:47,956
I'll remember it.
200
00:07:47,991 --> 00:07:50,959
So, you two bought this
place together, and then,
201
00:07:50,994 --> 00:07:52,393
on the first day, she fired you?
202
00:07:52,429 --> 00:07:54,762
Daniel, you mentioned that?
203
00:07:54,798 --> 00:07:57,131
Well, I was drunk
when I called her, so...
204
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:59,133
No, it's a great hook
to the story, believe me.
205
00:07:59,169 --> 00:08:01,803
So, how did you guys meet?
206
00:08:01,838 --> 00:08:04,238
How did we meet?
207
00:08:05,398 --> 00:08:07,174
- Uh...
- He introduced himself to me.
208
00:08:07,199 --> 00:08:08,665
I was traveling.
209
00:08:08,730 --> 00:08:10,564
And, uh, it was a long time ago, but
210
00:08:11,014 --> 00:08:14,115
it felt like I've known her
for 242 years.
211
00:08:14,150 --> 00:08:15,917
And yet,
212
00:08:15,952 --> 00:08:17,719
some people would say
213
00:08:17,754 --> 00:08:19,454
it feels just like yesterday.
214
00:08:19,489 --> 00:08:21,756
Time is weird. Isn't time weird?
Time is so weird.
215
00:08:21,791 --> 00:08:23,057
'Cause, like,
216
00:08:23,093 --> 00:08:24,392
even things that happened
a long time ago,
217
00:08:24,427 --> 00:08:27,095
sometimes they feel like
they just happened.
218
00:08:27,130 --> 00:08:28,896
Do you guys feel like
you're answering my question?
219
00:08:28,932 --> 00:08:31,332
Because I feel like
you're being weird and vague.
220
00:08:31,368 --> 00:08:32,834
I see that.
221
00:08:32,869 --> 00:08:34,502
I get how you could feel that way.
222
00:08:34,537 --> 00:08:35,770
So how did you meet?
223
00:08:35,805 --> 00:08:38,473
We met in grade school.
224
00:08:38,508 --> 00:08:41,409
You just said that you met
while you were traveling.
225
00:08:41,444 --> 00:08:42,877
We met on a field trip.
226
00:08:42,977 --> 00:08:45,346
It was just the best field.
227
00:08:45,382 --> 00:08:46,848
Sweeping and fertile.
228
00:08:46,883 --> 00:08:47,915
Mm-hmm.
229
00:08:47,951 --> 00:08:49,584
So what school was it?
230
00:08:49,619 --> 00:08:52,453
What am I, a maniac?
231
00:08:52,489 --> 00:08:54,522
What kind of person remembers
232
00:08:54,557 --> 00:08:55,823
what grade school they went to?
233
00:08:55,859 --> 00:08:57,258
Every single person.
234
00:08:57,300 --> 00:09:00,268
I remember it,
it was Monroe Grade School.
235
00:09:00,296 --> 00:09:01,529
Okay.
236
00:09:01,564 --> 00:09:02,266
Uh,
237
00:09:02,352 --> 00:09:04,298
anything else you'd like to add?
238
00:09:04,334 --> 00:09:06,501
Quakers are most welcome here,
239
00:09:06,536 --> 00:09:08,202
no matter how quiet they are.
240
00:09:08,238 --> 00:09:09,303
Mm-hmm.
241
00:09:09,339 --> 00:09:10,938
Deborah,
242
00:09:10,974 --> 00:09:12,206
this might be a little forward,
243
00:09:12,242 --> 00:09:14,642
but, um, if you ever need "help,"
244
00:09:15,418 --> 00:09:16,778
here's my card.
245
00:09:16,813 --> 00:09:18,479
Oh,
246
00:09:18,515 --> 00:09:21,349
a little piece of paper
with your name and...
247
00:09:21,384 --> 00:09:23,851
some random numbers on it.
248
00:09:23,887 --> 00:09:25,453
I'll treasure it always.
249
00:09:25,488 --> 00:09:27,121
Okay.
250
00:09:27,157 --> 00:09:28,222
Bye!
251
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:32,493
Adams cracked last night,
told me he's totally scared.
252
00:09:32,529 --> 00:09:34,148
This negotiation should be easy.
253
00:09:34,345 --> 00:09:35,492
Tha's dope, tha's dope.
254
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,351
But they're both so prideful,
255
00:09:37,414 --> 00:09:39,534
so we have to really sell it.
256
00:09:39,569 --> 00:09:41,536
- Tha's dope.
- Dan?
257
00:09:41,571 --> 00:09:44,172
Why are you pretending
to read the newspaper?
258
00:09:44,207 --> 00:09:45,807
Oh, no reason.
259
00:09:45,842 --> 00:09:49,811
Just because Deb and I are
going to be in the newspaper.
260
00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:51,345
Okay, I can't believe I'm asking this,
261
00:09:51,381 --> 00:09:53,247
but why are you gonna
be in the newspaper?
262
00:09:53,842 --> 00:09:56,417
Geez, Chris, so many questions.
263
00:09:56,453 --> 00:09:59,187
It's like I'm being interviewed
for the newspaper again.
264
00:09:59,222 --> 00:10:01,689
They're doing a little
puff piece on Deb and I
265
00:10:01,725 --> 00:10:02,857
and the ice cream parlor.
266
00:10:02,892 --> 00:10:05,159
Why would you let a journalist
look into your life?
267
00:10:05,195 --> 00:10:07,595
Relax. I need the publicity.
268
00:10:07,630 --> 00:10:08,930
I need this business to work
269
00:10:08,965 --> 00:10:10,998
so that Deb stays with me
in the future.
270
00:10:11,034 --> 00:10:12,667
Plus, why does every article
need to be about Elon Musk?
271
00:10:12,702 --> 00:10:13,935
It's enough already.
272
00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:16,571
You're living with a woman from 1775.
273
00:10:16,606 --> 00:10:18,439
She has a name.
274
00:10:18,475 --> 00:10:20,041
And that name is Deb.
275
00:10:20,076 --> 00:10:21,876
We time-travel!
276
00:10:21,911 --> 00:10:23,211
It didn't come up!
277
00:10:23,246 --> 00:10:24,746
You idiot!
278
00:10:24,781 --> 00:10:26,681
We stole money from Al Capone.
279
00:10:26,716 --> 00:10:30,084
We used the Founding Fathers
to buy an ice cream parlor.
280
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:31,519
You got to be more careful.
281
00:10:31,554 --> 00:10:33,020
You know, you're no better than me.
282
00:10:33,056 --> 00:10:35,056
Dan, objectively, I'm better than you.
283
00:10:35,091 --> 00:10:36,390
You're keeping Hancock and Adams here
284
00:10:36,426 --> 00:10:37,959
for your sick, old-timey fight club.
285
00:10:37,994 --> 00:10:40,061
If this reporter finds out the truth,
286
00:10:40,096 --> 00:10:43,164
there is no telling
what could happen to us.
287
00:10:46,803 --> 00:10:48,970
You need to fix this.
288
00:10:49,005 --> 00:10:51,139
Chris.
289
00:10:51,174 --> 00:10:53,808
I will not kill a reporter.
290
00:10:53,843 --> 00:10:55,076
What?
291
00:10:55,111 --> 00:10:57,245
No, just kill the story.
292
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,380
Oh!
293
00:10:59,415 --> 00:11:00,882
It's Mona from the newspaper.
294
00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:02,116
Hello!
295
00:11:02,152 --> 00:11:04,051
Hi, uh, you said that you guys
296
00:11:04,087 --> 00:11:06,654
- had information for my story?
- Uh, yes, actually,
297
00:11:06,689 --> 00:11:08,990
we do have new information
about the story.
298
00:11:09,025 --> 00:11:10,424
We think you should not do it.
299
00:11:10,460 --> 00:11:12,426
Yes, it was grand meeting you,
and ten percent off
300
00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:14,128
your next cone purchase.
301
00:11:14,164 --> 00:11:15,763
Okay.
302
00:11:15,799 --> 00:11:18,332
Wow.
303
00:11:18,368 --> 00:11:20,101
You know, uh,
304
00:11:20,136 --> 00:11:21,536
I just have one more question.
305
00:11:22,939 --> 00:11:26,073
Do you happen to know these men?
306
00:11:26,109 --> 00:11:28,276
No, I...
307
00:11:28,311 --> 00:11:30,011
I've never seen these women in my life.
308
00:11:30,046 --> 00:11:31,679
Uh, no, doesn't ring a bell.
309
00:11:31,714 --> 00:11:32,947
Really?
310
00:11:32,982 --> 00:11:34,182
Because, uh...
311
00:11:34,217 --> 00:11:35,683
they bought this building.
312
00:11:35,718 --> 00:11:37,118
Cash.
313
00:11:37,153 --> 00:11:38,352
And they signed their names
314
00:11:38,388 --> 00:11:40,021
"John Hancock" and "Sam Adams."
315
00:11:44,627 --> 00:11:46,661
That's so odd
316
00:11:46,696 --> 00:11:49,864
because Sam Adams
and John Hancock are...
317
00:11:49,899 --> 00:11:52,166
they're famous men from Colonial times,
318
00:11:52,202 --> 00:11:54,035
and this is 2017,
319
00:11:54,070 --> 00:11:56,671
so that... those must be fake names.
320
00:11:56,706 --> 00:11:58,840
Obviously. But why wouldn't they want
321
00:11:58,875 --> 00:12:00,274
anyone to know their real names?
322
00:12:00,310 --> 00:12:01,609
Okay.
323
00:12:01,644 --> 00:12:04,145
Here's the deal.
324
00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:07,515
Those two fat women
are federal agents, and we
325
00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:10,384
- are in the Witness Protection Program.
- What?
326
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:12,687
- And they put us here...
- To sell ice cream.
327
00:12:12,722 --> 00:12:15,690
To sell ice cream because we
saw the mob do a lot of murders.
328
00:12:15,725 --> 00:12:16,991
Al Capone.
329
00:12:17,026 --> 00:12:19,660
Yes, Hal Capo... Hal Capone. Um...
330
00:12:19,696 --> 00:12:21,896
- And that's why they set us up here.
- Okay.
331
00:12:21,931 --> 00:12:25,533
So you're federally
protected witnesses who...
332
00:12:25,568 --> 00:12:27,235
asked to be in the newspaper?
333
00:12:27,270 --> 00:12:28,836
It's our first week in the program.
334
00:12:28,872 --> 00:12:30,705
Yeah, and we-we're so bad at it.
335
00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:32,740
We keep on telling people who we are.
336
00:12:32,775 --> 00:12:35,209
But obviously, if you
were to print the story,
337
00:12:35,245 --> 00:12:37,578
our murder would be on your hands.
338
00:12:37,614 --> 00:12:41,415
Um, so maybe just find another
thing to write about,
339
00:12:41,451 --> 00:12:43,918
- like a gazebo or something.
- Yeah.
340
00:12:43,953 --> 00:12:46,234
Thank you for wasting a lot of my time.
341
00:12:46,319 --> 00:12:47,835
- You're welcome.
- You're welcome.
342
00:12:47,859 --> 00:12:48,924
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, thank you for understanding.
343
00:12:48,925 --> 00:12:50,358
She's so nice.
344
00:12:51,694 --> 00:12:54,695
My life is completely
in your hands, Chris.
345
00:12:54,731 --> 00:12:56,731
Ugh. I'm totally freaking.
346
00:12:56,766 --> 00:12:58,199
No need to worry, bud,
347
00:12:58,234 --> 00:13:00,001
I'll make sure nothing happens to you.
348
00:13:00,036 --> 00:13:03,070
I just love Melanie so much.
349
00:13:03,106 --> 00:13:05,039
You do have a wife in 1775.
350
00:13:05,074 --> 00:13:07,708
- Hey, be cool, man.
- Oh, there they are.
351
00:13:07,744 --> 00:13:09,777
I'm gonna pull up right next
to them like in a cop show.
352
00:13:09,812 --> 00:13:12,847
Driver side to driver side,
like McNulty in The Wire.
353
00:13:12,882 --> 00:13:15,349
- Good show.
- Oh, here they are.
354
00:13:15,385 --> 00:13:16,951
Dan, your ice cream's running
down your arm!
355
00:13:16,986 --> 00:13:18,452
You're wasting it!
356
00:13:18,488 --> 00:13:20,955
Your tongue is so rough.
357
00:13:26,296 --> 00:13:27,795
Quick, switch seats with me.
358
00:13:28,448 --> 00:13:31,576
- Aah!
- Chris, this is just a tiny scratch
359
00:13:31,607 --> 00:13:34,239
that'll buff right out. Wow.
360
00:13:34,274 --> 00:13:37,142
- I really clocked you.
- This car is the one thing I have
361
00:13:37,177 --> 00:13:39,077
- that you guys didn't ruin.
- You need to relax.
362
00:13:39,113 --> 00:13:40,395
- What?
- I'll just go to the past
363
00:13:40,427 --> 00:13:41,680
and get you a new car.
364
00:13:41,715 --> 00:13:44,249
A car won't fit in the bag, you moron.
365
00:13:44,284 --> 00:13:45,984
Chris, the car is
366
00:13:46,020 --> 00:13:47,285
between you and Dan.
367
00:13:47,321 --> 00:13:49,254
Uh, perhaps we could get back to
368
00:13:49,289 --> 00:13:50,822
renegotiating the duel,
369
00:13:50,858 --> 00:13:52,657
which is why we're here
in the first place.
370
00:13:52,693 --> 00:13:54,092
Oh, right, right.
371
00:13:54,128 --> 00:13:55,594
You guys just destroyed my apartment
372
00:13:55,629 --> 00:13:58,130
and made me drink pee. God, this again?
373
00:13:58,165 --> 00:14:00,532
I clearly remember saying,
374
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:03,802
"Chris, that's pee,"
before you drank it.
375
00:14:03,837 --> 00:14:05,871
But you didn't hear him
because you were already greedily
376
00:14:05,906 --> 00:14:08,507
chugging away,
pee-soaked grin on your face.
377
00:14:08,542 --> 00:14:09,841
Did something happen to you
378
00:14:09,877 --> 00:14:11,476
that you keep bringing up that time
379
00:14:11,512 --> 00:14:12,711
you drank pee?
380
00:14:12,746 --> 00:14:15,347
You know what? I hate you all!
381
00:14:15,382 --> 00:14:16,982
The duel is on!
382
00:14:17,017 --> 00:14:18,216
Chris, don't be nasty.
383
00:14:18,252 --> 00:14:19,885
Chris, come on!
384
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:21,987
Don't be nasty, Chris.
385
00:14:23,724 --> 00:14:25,290
Oh, good.
386
00:14:25,325 --> 00:14:29,995
This hasn't gone farther
than I anticipated.
387
00:14:35,494 --> 00:14:38,331
Chris, Chris,
we got to do something.
388
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:40,180
If they shoot each
other, they could, like,
389
00:14:40,205 --> 00:14:42,100
screw up the Civil War
or something.
390
00:14:42,542 --> 00:14:46,211
Wha-What, come on, man,
you didn't even...
391
00:14:47,728 --> 00:14:49,196
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
392
00:14:49,221 --> 00:14:50,290
I got rid of the reporter.
393
00:14:50,315 --> 00:14:52,392
Let's just, let's just
start fresh, clean slate.
394
00:14:52,408 --> 00:14:54,441
Hi, I'm Samuel Adams.
395
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:55,709
Who are you guys? Where am I?
396
00:14:55,745 --> 00:14:57,713
What'd you do with my horse?
397
00:14:57,908 --> 00:14:59,645
No, you need to learn a lesson.
398
00:15:00,051 --> 00:15:01,715
So, they're fighting over me?
399
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:05,418
I'm so sorry to involve
you in such a barbaric,
400
00:15:05,642 --> 00:15:07,309
sexist ritual.
401
00:15:07,923 --> 00:15:09,423
- They're old-fashioned.
- It's fine.
402
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:10,791
It's a step up for me.
403
00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:13,927
Recently, I even started
dating bald guys.
404
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:15,735
Oh, no.
405
00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:18,418
Any last words, gentlemen?
406
00:15:20,239 --> 00:15:21,838
I did it all for the nookie.
407
00:15:21,873 --> 00:15:23,519
Amen.
408
00:15:29,941 --> 00:15:32,842
Back-to-back.
409
00:15:33,042 --> 00:15:35,309
One-ly, two,
410
00:15:35,344 --> 00:15:38,145
threebie, thorn,
411
00:15:38,173 --> 00:15:40,072
flive, six.
412
00:15:43,452 --> 00:15:44,818
Daniel!
413
00:15:44,854 --> 00:15:46,820
Daniel! Oh!
414
00:15:46,856 --> 00:15:50,024
I've been shot.
415
00:15:50,059 --> 00:15:52,092
They're paintballs.
416
00:15:52,128 --> 00:15:54,461
I wasn't gonna let 'em use real guns.
417
00:15:55,597 --> 00:15:57,564
Just wanted to teach you all a lesson.
418
00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:59,579
And what would that lesson be?
419
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:02,436
That your actions have consequences!
420
00:16:04,140 --> 00:16:05,372
Here's a cool twist.
421
00:16:05,408 --> 00:16:07,308
We secretly forgave each other.
422
00:16:07,343 --> 00:16:10,177
We only went through with all
of this to teach you a lesson.
423
00:16:10,213 --> 00:16:12,179
Love conquers all.
424
00:16:12,215 --> 00:16:14,682
- That's your lesson?
- It's subtle but it's in there.
425
00:16:14,717 --> 00:16:16,450
Your fight was
even dumber than ours.
426
00:16:16,485 --> 00:16:18,986
You guys are quibbling
over material stuff, you know?
427
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,621
It's all so meaningless.
428
00:16:20,656 --> 00:16:22,890
You thought they were real guns
and you still shot us.
429
00:16:22,925 --> 00:16:25,159
Right. Sorry.
430
00:16:25,194 --> 00:16:27,394
Colonial weapons were so inaccurate,
431
00:16:27,430 --> 00:16:29,877
you only aimed at someone if
you were trying to miss them.
432
00:16:29,902 --> 00:16:31,335
Right.
433
00:16:31,561 --> 00:16:32,894
Gun that shoots paint.
434
00:16:33,102 --> 00:16:34,635
Whew.
435
00:16:34,670 --> 00:16:37,004
Never in a
million years would I..
436
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,385
- Ooohohoh!
- By Jiminy,
437
00:16:39,410 --> 00:16:41,047
I think I'll put this down.
438
00:16:41,194 --> 00:16:42,504
I can't see.
439
00:16:42,909 --> 00:16:44,175
I can't see.
440
00:16:44,211 --> 00:16:45,610
Eh, you're not missing much.
441
00:16:45,645 --> 00:16:49,347
Just a beautiful field
on a gorgeous day.
442
00:16:49,382 --> 00:16:51,049
Look at it,
443
00:16:51,084 --> 00:16:53,698
see the face of God in that cloud.
Where?
444
00:16:56,437 --> 00:16:57,636
I'll visit you.
445
00:16:57,671 --> 00:16:59,571
Don't.
446
00:17:05,813 --> 00:17:07,913
- Hello.
- Hey.
447
00:17:07,948 --> 00:17:11,817
You sort of look like if
Axl Rose got dipped in bleach.
448
00:17:11,852 --> 00:17:13,819
You want to grab a drink or something?
449
00:17:13,854 --> 00:17:16,688
It would be my great
pleasure to accept.
450
00:17:16,723 --> 00:17:18,757
My good fellow,
451
00:17:18,792 --> 00:17:22,127
I congratulate you heartily.
452
00:17:22,162 --> 00:17:24,129
For not only have we imparted wisdom
453
00:17:24,164 --> 00:17:25,797
of these pompkin whelps,
454
00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:28,366
but you have found
455
00:17:28,402 --> 00:17:32,037
true love in the process.
456
00:17:32,072 --> 00:17:34,106
Yeah, all right, let's go.
457
00:17:34,141 --> 00:17:35,207
Don't touch me.
458
00:17:38,912 --> 00:17:41,847
Still not bathing... I gather?
459
00:17:45,421 --> 00:17:46,720
How was the date?
460
00:17:47,111 --> 00:17:49,478
Woe betide the Colonial man
who ventures blindly
461
00:17:49,959 --> 00:17:51,692
into modern sexuality.
462
00:17:51,955 --> 00:17:54,155
I'm not into weirdos or
criers, and this guy's both.
463
00:17:54,191 --> 00:17:56,658
- I'm not...
- D-Don't speak.
464
00:17:56,693 --> 00:17:58,326
Here's his frilly shirt;
he couldn't put it back on
465
00:17:58,362 --> 00:18:00,328
'cause his hands were shaking.
466
00:18:01,231 --> 00:18:03,865
Well, thank you!
467
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,534
Oh, Sam. Gather yourself.
468
00:18:06,570 --> 00:18:09,638
Hold your head up high, brother.
469
00:18:10,279 --> 00:18:12,802
Do you remember the hex of the sea hag
470
00:18:12,876 --> 00:18:15,010
that left you mute for 40 days?
471
00:18:15,045 --> 00:18:17,646
This but pales in comparison.
472
00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:20,515
We have seen
473
00:18:20,550 --> 00:18:23,218
countless horrors
together, my old friend.
474
00:18:23,253 --> 00:18:24,853
There he is.
475
00:18:24,888 --> 00:18:26,988
There's my old chum, Sam,
476
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:28,723
back in good spirits.
477
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:30,225
All right, guys,
478
00:18:30,260 --> 00:18:32,160
back in the bag.
479
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,963
Let's do this. You guys
got some work to do in the past.
480
00:18:35,591 --> 00:18:36,965
Daniel,
481
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:41,703
facing death in the future
made me feel more alive
482
00:18:41,738 --> 00:18:43,672
than I ever did in the past.
483
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:46,408
And I just joined
a Planet Fitness.
484
00:18:46,443 --> 00:18:48,513
To leave now would be insane.
485
00:18:48,578 --> 00:18:50,779
And so...
486
00:18:53,593 --> 00:18:55,123
We run away!
487
00:18:55,252 --> 00:18:56,384
- No!
- Stop them!
488
00:18:57,621 --> 00:18:59,521
To the future!
489
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,389
Deb, wait!
490
00:19:01,425 --> 00:19:04,359
I was only going to get
the big one with a calf shot.
491
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:06,161
He would have fallen on the little one.
492
00:19:06,196 --> 00:19:07,562
I love you so much.
493
00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:14,943
Oh. I'm sorry, miss, no visitors.
494
00:19:14,978 --> 00:19:16,845
No. It's okay. I'm family.
495
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,413
- No, she's not.
- Chris!
496
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:19,447
Psst!
497
00:19:19,483 --> 00:19:21,583
Christopher, are you awake?
498
00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:23,518
Are you sleeping?
499
00:19:23,553 --> 00:19:24,920
Is Dan with you?
500
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,288
Oh, no, he... he was afraid
501
00:19:26,323 --> 00:19:27,289
that you'd throw something at him,
502
00:19:27,324 --> 00:19:29,124
so he sent me instead.
503
00:19:29,159 --> 00:19:30,592
Another coward move.
504
00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:32,360
No, he is only scared
505
00:19:32,396 --> 00:19:35,497
because he values
your friendship so highly.
506
00:19:35,532 --> 00:19:36,998
He ruined my life.
507
00:19:37,034 --> 00:19:38,667
We're not friends.
508
00:19:38,702 --> 00:19:39,968
We never were.
509
00:19:40,003 --> 00:19:41,436
No, you don't mean that.
510
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:43,772
I do. We were all thrown together
511
00:19:43,807 --> 00:19:45,607
by circumstance.
512
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:47,676
You guys know nothing about me.
513
00:19:47,711 --> 00:19:49,544
When's my birthday?
514
00:19:49,579 --> 00:19:52,480
September 11.
515
00:19:52,516 --> 00:19:54,482
What? No.
516
00:19:54,518 --> 00:19:55,684
Today.
517
00:19:55,719 --> 00:19:57,385
Today is my birthday.
518
00:19:57,421 --> 00:19:59,120
Happy birthday.
519
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:00,622
I think it's best that we all
520
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:01,990
just go our separate ways.
521
00:20:02,025 --> 00:20:03,291
No more time travel.
522
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,627
No more stupid questions about history.
523
00:20:05,662 --> 00:20:08,163
Let's just never see
each other ever again.
524
00:20:08,198 --> 00:20:10,031
Well, I hope,
for the sake of your vision,
525
00:20:10,067 --> 00:20:12,000
that we do see each other again.
526
00:20:12,035 --> 00:20:13,969
Good-bye, Deborah.
527
00:20:14,004 --> 00:20:16,404
Good-bye.
528
00:20:31,455 --> 00:20:33,655
Our top story, a nine-year-old girl
529
00:20:33,690 --> 00:20:36,725
enters her 80th hour
stuck in a bumper car.
530
00:20:49,973 --> 00:20:52,707
Birthday!
531
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:22,100
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www.addic7ed.com
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