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(man shouting in German)
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(alarm wailing, dogs barking)
3
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(men shouting in German)
4
00:00:07,612 --> 00:00:09,328
It's over here. It's over here.
5
00:00:09,364 --> 00:00:10,696
I stashed it over here.
6
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(shouting in German)
7
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I think it's over here.
8
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Oh, my God, I can't believe
I'm faster than you.
9
00:00:17,299 --> 00:00:19,165
What are you talking about?
Man, I smoked you.
10
00:00:19,167 --> 00:00:20,583
I'm wearing loafers.
11
00:00:20,635 --> 00:00:22,719
Why would you wear
loafers to kill Hitler?
12
00:00:22,754 --> 00:00:24,304
It's called a "fall look."
13
00:00:24,339 --> 00:00:25,505
- (shouting)
- DAN: Yeah, I did that, too, with my hat.
14
00:00:25,507 --> 00:00:27,757
- Dan, get in the bag!
- Yep, yep, yep, yep.
15
00:00:28,609 --> 00:00:30,515
_
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(barking)
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(explosion, electrical whining)
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(shouting)
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(alarm continues wailing in distance)
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00:00:42,687 --> 00:00:46,140
_
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00:00:46,718 --> 00:00:48,781
_
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I wanted to kill Hitler
when he was young,
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00:00:55,370 --> 00:00:58,204
before he was surrounded
by all those Nazis, but...
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Chris had a real problem
with stabbing a baby.
25
00:01:01,009 --> 00:01:04,093
(groans) I'm sorry you had
to deal with that. Ooh!
26
00:01:04,129 --> 00:01:06,262
Do you think that smashed
raccoon belongs to anyone?
27
00:01:06,297 --> 00:01:08,848
Yes. I think someone
probably claimed it.
28
00:01:08,883 --> 00:01:10,016
Anyway, my trip
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wasn't a total waste.
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I stole Hitler's spoon!
31
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(laughs) Did that stop World War II?
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No, no. But I mean, think about it.
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He comes downstairs in the morning,
34
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he wants a bowl of cereal...
it's a total disaster.
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There's no way he realizes
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he has no spoon before
he pours the milk.
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What a mild annoyance.
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It's got to be so mild. (chuckles)
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CHRIS: Hear ye, hear ye.
40
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This time travel meeting
is now called to order.
41
00:01:36,911 --> 00:01:39,212
Any ideas for our next mission?
Actually,
42
00:01:39,247 --> 00:01:41,247
I've come up with a way to stop 9/11.
43
00:01:41,249 --> 00:01:42,582
Really? I was reading an article
44
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that said that Mark Wahlberg believes
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that had he been on one of those planes,
46
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it never would have happened.
47
00:01:46,755 --> 00:01:48,221
- Okay.
- So it got me thinking.
48
00:01:48,256 --> 00:01:50,973
Why don't we go back...
49
00:01:51,009 --> 00:01:53,509
and put Mark Wahlberg
on one of those planes?
50
00:01:53,561 --> 00:01:55,928
That is a bad plan.
51
00:01:55,930 --> 00:01:58,181
Look, guys, after what
happened to Davey...
52
00:01:58,233 --> 00:01:59,766
Oh, was Davey the young British man
53
00:01:59,768 --> 00:02:01,567
you exploded in Colonial times?
54
00:02:01,603 --> 00:02:03,603
Yes, it was. And now I feel like
55
00:02:03,605 --> 00:02:05,738
I owe the universe
something huge in return.
56
00:02:05,774 --> 00:02:07,490
We aren't very good at time traveling.
57
00:02:07,525 --> 00:02:09,409
We almost ruined the
American Revolution,
58
00:02:09,444 --> 00:02:10,693
and the Hitler thing
59
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didn't work.
60
00:02:11,946 --> 00:02:13,362
Or so I... gather.
61
00:02:13,415 --> 00:02:15,364
I wasn't invited. You were invited.
62
00:02:15,417 --> 00:02:16,999
It's just you're not a real person,
63
00:02:17,035 --> 00:02:19,419
so it's hard to get, like,
information for a passport.
64
00:02:19,454 --> 00:02:20,620
Yeah. And no explanation needed.
65
00:02:20,622 --> 00:02:22,505
I... I'm not mad about it at all.
66
00:02:22,540 --> 00:02:23,956
You seem a little mad.
67
00:02:23,958 --> 00:02:26,375
Regardless, it's too much pressure
68
00:02:26,428 --> 00:02:29,595
to try and take on all the
world's problems at once.
69
00:02:29,631 --> 00:02:31,097
She's got a point, Chris.
70
00:02:31,132 --> 00:02:33,216
Guys, come on. We have a great power.
71
00:02:33,268 --> 00:02:34,884
And with great power comes...
72
00:02:37,055 --> 00:02:38,521
Great responsibility.
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Oh, Spider-Man.
74
00:02:39,808 --> 00:02:41,891
So good. He's got a point, Deb.
75
00:02:41,943 --> 00:02:43,309
We have to take it slow,
76
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or we could do more harm than good.
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(whispers): She's got a point.
78
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The world is depending on us.
79
00:02:47,949 --> 00:02:49,866
We don't have time to take it slow.
80
00:02:49,901 --> 00:02:51,150
He's got a point, Deb.
81
00:02:51,152 --> 00:02:53,536
We have a whole bag of time. Daniel?
82
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Thoughts?
83
00:02:56,825 --> 00:02:58,741
Can I use your bathroom?
84
00:03:03,298 --> 00:03:04,630
What's he doing?
85
00:03:04,666 --> 00:03:07,250
(explosion, electrical whining)
86
00:03:07,302 --> 00:03:09,252
DAN: John Hancock and Sam Adams.
87
00:03:09,304 --> 00:03:11,420
ADAMS: Daniel! Hey,
the tavern owner said
88
00:03:11,473 --> 00:03:13,055
I'd find you guys out here.
89
00:03:13,091 --> 00:03:15,892
Come. Help us feast on
these completely charred
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00:03:15,927 --> 00:03:18,094
and nearly inedible flying beasts.
91
00:03:18,146 --> 00:03:20,346
ADAMS: The trick to catching
more than one duck at once
92
00:03:20,348 --> 00:03:22,148
is to kill them while
they're fornicating.
93
00:03:22,183 --> 00:03:23,933
We followed their quacks
94
00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:25,651
of ecstasy into the woods,
95
00:03:25,687 --> 00:03:28,271
crept up, smashed them with rocks!
96
00:03:28,323 --> 00:03:30,106
How can you tell a quack of ecstasy?
97
00:03:30,158 --> 00:03:32,492
A quack of ecstasy is two quacks.
98
00:03:32,527 --> 00:03:34,694
Two quacks heightening...
99
00:03:34,696 --> 00:03:37,864
to a final clim-quacks. (Dan chuckles)
100
00:03:37,866 --> 00:03:39,782
But there's three ducks. As far
101
00:03:39,834 --> 00:03:42,168
as we could tell, these two ducks here
102
00:03:42,203 --> 00:03:43,753
were in a relationship,
103
00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,338
and this third duck was hanging around
104
00:03:45,373 --> 00:03:47,456
watching, trying to get in on the mix.
105
00:03:47,509 --> 00:03:49,592
He was sort of molting
and fluffing himself,
106
00:03:49,627 --> 00:03:51,093
and then he laid an egg.
107
00:03:51,129 --> 00:03:52,879
Cool.
108
00:03:52,881 --> 00:03:55,214
Well, I-I need your advice on something.
109
00:03:55,216 --> 00:03:57,850
See, Deb, Chris and I are
starting a business.
110
00:03:57,886 --> 00:03:59,385
- Oh.
- We're selling,
111
00:03:59,387 --> 00:04:01,888
(sighs): um... horse manure.
112
00:04:01,890 --> 00:04:04,190
An evergreen product that
people will always need.
113
00:04:04,225 --> 00:04:05,274
Right.
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00:04:05,310 --> 00:04:07,059
So, um, Chris wants to sell
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00:04:07,061 --> 00:04:08,694
large bags of manure.
116
00:04:08,730 --> 00:04:10,313
And Deborah would rather
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00:04:10,365 --> 00:04:12,865
us sell small bags of manure.
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Little bags of poop.
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- Convenient.
- Right.
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00:04:15,737 --> 00:04:17,703
But the manure itself is mine...
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00:04:17,739 --> 00:04:18,905
HANCOCK: Your poop.
122
00:04:18,907 --> 00:04:21,374
so the decision comes down to me.
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00:04:21,409 --> 00:04:23,326
Up to you? (laughs) Yeah.
124
00:04:23,378 --> 00:04:25,294
What is so funny about that?
125
00:04:25,330 --> 00:04:27,713
No, no, it's just, you don't
have the mental fortitude
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to make such decisions. I
thought you knew that.
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00:04:30,501 --> 00:04:32,051
Okay. (grunts)
128
00:04:32,086 --> 00:04:34,003
Uh, come here.
129
00:04:34,055 --> 00:04:35,755
Come on, look at me. Get-get close here.
130
00:04:35,757 --> 00:04:37,924
Look me, look me in the eye here.
Close. Get right in there.
131
00:04:37,926 --> 00:04:38,724
Daniel!
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- Mm-hmm.
- I am now
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00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:41,344
looking...
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00:04:41,396 --> 00:04:44,313
directly... into your soul.
135
00:04:44,349 --> 00:04:45,765
Hmm?
136
00:04:47,602 --> 00:04:50,069
You have the body of a man...
137
00:04:50,104 --> 00:04:53,489
but inside, you are but a wee babe.
138
00:04:53,524 --> 00:04:55,491
Can I look away now, please?
139
00:04:55,526 --> 00:04:57,026
No!
140
00:04:57,078 --> 00:04:58,578
- Something happened!
- Okay.
141
00:04:58,613 --> 00:05:00,162
Something traumatic
142
00:05:00,198 --> 00:05:02,281
stunted your growth at a very young age.
143
00:05:02,283 --> 00:05:03,749
- Traumatic?
- And you never
144
00:05:03,785 --> 00:05:05,751
got over it. Am I right?
145
00:05:05,787 --> 00:05:07,253
Tell him if he's right.
146
00:05:07,288 --> 00:05:09,088
Big Sammy is here to help,
147
00:05:09,123 --> 00:05:10,373
but you have to take it! (blow landing)
148
00:05:10,425 --> 00:05:11,457
- Ow!
- Take the help!
149
00:05:11,459 --> 00:05:12,508
- Ow!
- Take the help!
150
00:05:12,543 --> 00:05:13,759
Okay! I... the...
151
00:05:13,795 --> 00:05:15,428
now that you're... yelling at me,
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00:05:15,463 --> 00:05:17,546
there was something that
happened to me in my childhood
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00:05:17,599 --> 00:05:19,298
- that I guess I never got over.
- (exhales)
154
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:21,300
Something traumatic? Yes,
something traumatic.
155
00:05:21,302 --> 00:05:23,302
Daniel, if you do not
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00:05:23,304 --> 00:05:26,188
overcome this obstacle,
I can promise you...
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00:05:26,224 --> 00:05:28,724
you will never accomplish
158
00:05:28,776 --> 00:05:30,860
anything of note,
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00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:32,979
ever! So you're saying I need
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00:05:32,981 --> 00:05:34,530
to fix my past...
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00:05:34,565 --> 00:05:37,950
before my business can have a future.
162
00:05:37,986 --> 00:05:39,535
What?
163
00:05:39,570 --> 00:05:40,870
- What? Was that...
- Yeah.
164
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:42,405
- Yeah. Right?
- Yeah.
165
00:05:42,457 --> 00:05:44,156
Yeah, sure.
166
00:05:44,158 --> 00:05:45,708
(explosion, electrical whining)
167
00:05:45,743 --> 00:05:47,159
Well, I've made a decision.
168
00:05:49,831 --> 00:05:52,381
And that is that I can't make
a decision until I get back
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00:05:52,417 --> 00:05:54,500
to the past and fix what's
wrong in my personal life.
170
00:05:55,586 --> 00:05:57,053
What does that mean? That means
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00:05:57,088 --> 00:05:58,504
get your Charlotte
Hornets starter jacket
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00:05:58,506 --> 00:06:00,339
out of storage... we're
going to the '90s.
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00:06:00,341 --> 00:06:02,642
♪ ♪
174
00:06:02,677 --> 00:06:04,844
♪ You've got to live and learn ♪
175
00:06:07,181 --> 00:06:09,348
♪ You've got to live and learn ♪
176
00:06:09,350 --> 00:06:11,651
♪ Go! Go! Go! Go! ♪
177
00:06:11,686 --> 00:06:14,103
♪ Before your bridges burn ♪
178
00:06:14,155 --> 00:06:15,655
♪ Brothers and sisters ♪
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00:06:15,690 --> 00:06:16,989
Oh, my!
180
00:06:17,025 --> 00:06:18,324
♪ You've got to live and learn ♪
181
00:06:18,359 --> 00:06:19,692
♪ Go! Go! Go! ♪
182
00:06:19,694 --> 00:06:22,028
What happened to everyone's denim?
183
00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:23,496
DAN: Oh, it's just acid-washed.
184
00:06:23,531 --> 00:06:25,081
They won't be wearing it much longer.
185
00:06:25,116 --> 00:06:26,582
CHRIS: You brought us
186
00:06:26,617 --> 00:06:27,917
to an ice cream place?
187
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Not just any ice cream place.
188
00:06:29,454 --> 00:06:31,253
This is Chadwick's,
189
00:06:31,289 --> 00:06:34,090
the place my father called me
a failure for the first time.
190
00:06:34,125 --> 00:06:36,542
Oh, Daniel, I'm sorry.
But I'm gonna prove
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00:06:36,544 --> 00:06:39,261
my dead dad wrong by finishing
the 40-scoop Belly Buster
192
00:06:39,297 --> 00:06:42,214
that I could never finish when
I had the stomach of a boy.
193
00:06:42,216 --> 00:06:45,468
No, no, no, no. We did not travel back
in time so you could eat ice cream.
194
00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,603
Chris, the Belly Buster
is my white whale,
195
00:06:47,638 --> 00:06:49,355
which is an expression I use
196
00:06:49,390 --> 00:06:51,724
all the time without really
knowing what it means.
197
00:06:51,726 --> 00:06:54,143
You're saying it right. I...
I always wanted to prove
198
00:06:54,195 --> 00:06:55,895
that I could finish the Belly Buster,
199
00:06:55,897 --> 00:06:57,947
but then Chadwick's went
out of business and...
200
00:06:57,982 --> 00:06:59,448
I never got the chance.
201
00:06:59,484 --> 00:07:01,951
This is a complete waste.
202
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:05,321
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah. I
thought you'd say that.
203
00:07:05,373 --> 00:07:08,541
Which is why I brought... this.
204
00:07:08,576 --> 00:07:10,793
Now, you feel you owe
the universe something
205
00:07:10,828 --> 00:07:12,661
after you exploded your
friend, Davey, right?
206
00:07:12,714 --> 00:07:15,331
- Okay, we all exploded him.
- Eh...
207
00:07:15,383 --> 00:07:16,716
you fired the shot.
208
00:07:16,751 --> 00:07:19,418
You lit the wick! I
think we can all agree
209
00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:21,554
that it was you that
murdered him senselessly.
210
00:07:21,589 --> 00:07:22,671
(grunts)
211
00:07:22,724 --> 00:07:24,890
Right? Well, Judi Forelli
212
00:07:24,926 --> 00:07:27,810
gets hit by a car and killed in an hour.
213
00:07:27,845 --> 00:07:30,846
Go save her life... then you
and the universe are even.
214
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:34,150
Thank you.
215
00:07:34,185 --> 00:07:35,568
I'm on it.
216
00:07:36,854 --> 00:07:37,987
(sigh)
217
00:07:38,022 --> 00:07:39,572
This is so exciting.
218
00:07:39,607 --> 00:07:41,991
- I've never tried ice cream before.
- What?!
219
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:44,193
Well, my father had some once,
220
00:07:44,245 --> 00:07:45,611
and I had hoped for a taste,
221
00:07:45,613 --> 00:07:47,947
but he fed the remainder
to the pigs instead.
222
00:07:47,949 --> 00:07:49,782
The pigs looked at me differently
223
00:07:49,784 --> 00:07:52,701
after that, as if they
knew something I didn't.
224
00:07:52,754 --> 00:07:54,336
Pigs are very smart.
225
00:07:54,372 --> 00:07:56,539
That's why a lot of celebrities
have them as pets.
226
00:07:56,591 --> 00:07:58,841
DAN: The Belly Buster has three stages.
227
00:07:58,876 --> 00:08:00,543
Stage one: The Gorge.
228
00:08:00,595 --> 00:08:02,595
I stuff ice cream into my fat face.
229
00:08:02,630 --> 00:08:04,430
Stage two: The Settle.
230
00:08:04,465 --> 00:08:07,633
This is where I have 35 scoops
of ice cream that need to drop
231
00:08:07,635 --> 00:08:09,685
to my butt so I can fit
more of it into my tummy.
232
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:10,720
Stage three:
233
00:08:10,772 --> 00:08:12,221
The Finish.
234
00:08:12,273 --> 00:08:14,273
This is where I'm walking a tightrope
235
00:08:14,308 --> 00:08:16,358
between glory and diarrhea.
236
00:08:16,394 --> 00:08:18,694
Let's hope for glory, Dan. We can hope.
237
00:08:18,729 --> 00:08:21,063
But you should know I
am lactose intolerant.
238
00:08:21,115 --> 00:08:23,699
(whistle and noisemaker blowing)
239
00:08:23,734 --> 00:08:26,702
(people ooh'ing and
ah'ing) DAN: 1990's fun!
240
00:08:26,737 --> 00:08:28,737
(festive music playing)
241
00:08:33,294 --> 00:08:34,877
(exhales)
242
00:08:34,912 --> 00:08:37,379
All right, Belly Buster,
243
00:08:37,415 --> 00:08:39,081
you're about to get busted.
244
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:41,717
Oh, Daniel, you brought
your lucky Hitler spoon!
245
00:08:41,752 --> 00:08:43,502
(music stops)
246
00:08:43,504 --> 00:08:45,054
Midler spoon.
247
00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:46,172
Like Bette Midler.
248
00:08:46,174 --> 00:08:47,673
Bette Midler is a family friend of mine,
249
00:08:47,675 --> 00:08:48,841
and I stole her spoon.
250
00:08:48,843 --> 00:08:50,759
No, no. Adolf Hitler.
251
00:08:52,304 --> 00:08:56,083
It's me against you, Dad.
Let The Gorge begin.
252
00:08:56,624 --> 00:08:57,957
♪ Eat the Belly Buster ♪
253
00:08:57,992 --> 00:09:00,126
♪ Eat the, eat the Belly Buster ♪
254
00:09:00,161 --> 00:09:02,078
♪ Pick up the spoon,
put it in your mouth ♪
255
00:09:02,130 --> 00:09:04,247
♪ Let it go all the way down ♪
256
00:09:04,299 --> 00:09:06,082
(cackles) ♪ Belly Buster. ♪
257
00:09:08,636 --> 00:09:10,837
CHRIS: Come on, Judi
Forelli, where are you?
258
00:09:11,910 --> 00:09:13,408
Oh, she's a teacher.
259
00:09:13,410 --> 00:09:15,443
The universe is gonna love me.
260
00:09:17,581 --> 00:09:19,998
(takes deep breath) Okay...
261
00:09:20,033 --> 00:09:22,450
In all this excitement, I
still haven't had a chance
262
00:09:22,452 --> 00:09:24,035
to try ice cream.
263
00:09:24,087 --> 00:09:26,755
I was afraid to have my
arms close to your mouth.
264
00:09:26,790 --> 00:09:28,840
If you want, you can
go up to the counter
265
00:09:28,875 --> 00:09:30,292
and get some free samples.
266
00:09:30,294 --> 00:09:33,128
They'll let me taste
iced creams for free?
267
00:09:33,130 --> 00:09:34,546
Like that man whose hat
268
00:09:34,598 --> 00:09:35,764
offered mustache rides?
269
00:09:35,799 --> 00:09:36,965
Yes. And again,
270
00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:38,683
please stop bringing that up.
271
00:09:38,719 --> 00:09:40,719
Now, go enjoy your samples.
272
00:09:40,771 --> 00:09:42,187
I'm gonna work on The Settle.
273
00:09:42,222 --> 00:09:43,688
(laughs quietly)
274
00:09:43,724 --> 00:09:45,724
(quiet chuckle): Okay.
275
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,064
(exhales, stomach burbles)
276
00:09:53,116 --> 00:09:55,116
(stomach grumbling)
277
00:09:59,740 --> 00:10:02,457
(beeping)
278
00:10:04,962 --> 00:10:05,962
(horn honking)
279
00:10:05,963 --> 00:10:06,963
- Careful, now.
- (cries out)
280
00:10:06,964 --> 00:10:08,797
(horn honks)
281
00:10:08,832 --> 00:10:11,166
(panting): Oh, my God. That
truck would have killed me.
282
00:10:11,168 --> 00:10:14,669
I know... Judi.
283
00:10:14,671 --> 00:10:17,222
How do you... how do you know my...
284
00:10:17,257 --> 00:10:20,225
(woman singing angelically)
285
00:10:20,260 --> 00:10:22,978
Are you my guardian angel?
286
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,596
- Yes.
- (gasps)
287
00:10:24,648 --> 00:10:25,897
Yes, I am.
288
00:10:25,932 --> 00:10:28,433
All black people are guardian angels.
289
00:10:29,653 --> 00:10:31,603
(whispers): Remember that.
290
00:10:31,655 --> 00:10:34,239
(whispers): Even O.J.?
291
00:10:34,274 --> 00:10:36,574
Yeah.
292
00:10:37,611 --> 00:10:38,994
Mmm.
293
00:10:40,364 --> 00:10:42,580
Josiah's britches!
294
00:10:42,616 --> 00:10:44,916
And what did you say this kind was?
295
00:10:44,951 --> 00:10:46,701
Chocolate.
296
00:10:46,703 --> 00:10:50,955
How did they get the chocolate
into the ice cream?
297
00:10:51,008 --> 00:10:52,624
Are you stoned?
298
00:10:52,676 --> 00:10:55,210
No. No, I have never been stoned,
299
00:10:55,212 --> 00:10:57,712
nor have I stoned another
person, innocent or criminal.
300
00:10:57,714 --> 00:10:59,848
Right. You're not from
around here, are you?
301
00:10:59,883 --> 00:11:01,099
A few towns over.
302
00:11:01,134 --> 00:11:03,685
But I'm so glad I made the trip.
303
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,354
You must smile every
day you come to work.
304
00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:08,273
You know, I used to.
305
00:11:08,308 --> 00:11:10,892
Opening this place was my dream.
306
00:11:10,894 --> 00:11:12,894
But once that dream became a reality,
307
00:11:12,896 --> 00:11:16,147
I realized it was mostly
scraping gum off stuff.
308
00:11:16,199 --> 00:11:18,316
But isn't it all worth
it when you see the joy
309
00:11:18,368 --> 00:11:20,318
in a child's face? Honestly, I'd like
310
00:11:20,370 --> 00:11:23,405
to sell this place and become a mailman.
311
00:11:23,407 --> 00:11:24,989
Now, that's a shame.
312
00:11:25,042 --> 00:11:27,575
I wish you could see what
I taste in this place.
313
00:11:30,163 --> 00:11:31,830
Hang on. You like chocolate?
314
00:11:31,882 --> 00:11:33,331
Try this.
315
00:11:33,383 --> 00:11:35,717
This is Rocky Road.
316
00:11:37,671 --> 00:11:38,920
Mmm!
317
00:11:40,223 --> 00:11:42,173
I have traveled many a rocky road,
318
00:11:42,225 --> 00:11:44,092
but none have been this delicious.
319
00:11:45,429 --> 00:11:46,928
That was humor.
320
00:11:46,930 --> 00:11:49,347
- Yeah, I figured.
- (chuckles) I'd never taste
321
00:11:49,399 --> 00:11:50,682
an actual road. (chuckles)
322
00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:52,517
Unless there was a famine.
323
00:11:52,569 --> 00:11:57,739
CHRIS: NBA Jam? Two miracles in one day.
324
00:11:57,774 --> 00:12:00,075
Boomshakalaka.
325
00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:02,110
Got next.
326
00:12:02,112 --> 00:12:04,529
No, you don't. I have
two rolls of quarters.
327
00:12:04,581 --> 00:12:06,948
- I have the next 20 games.
- Yo, that's not fair.
328
00:12:06,950 --> 00:12:08,032
"That's not fair."
329
00:12:08,085 --> 00:12:10,085
- Nice overalls, Urkel.
- Urkel?
330
00:12:11,121 --> 00:12:13,121
Urkel?!
331
00:12:13,123 --> 00:12:15,090
"Urkel? Urkel?"
332
00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:17,592
"Did I do that?"
333
00:12:17,627 --> 00:12:19,427
(soft gurgling)
334
00:12:19,463 --> 00:12:22,964
Have you proven yourself to
the ghost of your father yet?
335
00:12:22,966 --> 00:12:24,215
No.
336
00:12:24,267 --> 00:12:26,968
And The Settle is not going great.
337
00:12:26,970 --> 00:12:30,722
(groans) There is some real
'90s garbage in this place.
338
00:12:30,774 --> 00:12:34,142
I just saved a woman's life.
339
00:12:34,144 --> 00:12:35,727
Show some respect.
340
00:12:35,779 --> 00:12:37,812
Oh, my God. I know that kid.
341
00:12:37,814 --> 00:12:39,063
That's Kevin Crowley.
342
00:12:39,116 --> 00:12:39,981
DEBORAH: You know
343
00:12:39,983 --> 00:12:40,983
that young adult?
344
00:12:40,984 --> 00:12:42,867
He used to bully me in junior high.
345
00:12:42,903 --> 00:12:44,452
It got so bad that I had to pretend
I have a learning disability
346
00:12:44,488 --> 00:12:46,988
to make sure we ended up
at different high schools.
347
00:12:46,990 --> 00:12:48,573
That's really tough, man. I'm sorry.
348
00:12:48,625 --> 00:12:51,543
And the weirdest thing was
that we were actually friends.
349
00:12:51,578 --> 00:12:52,827
And then one day, out of
the blue, he showed up
350
00:12:52,829 --> 00:12:54,712
and started waling on me.
351
00:12:54,748 --> 00:12:57,415
You didn't do anything to deserve it?
352
00:12:57,467 --> 00:12:59,501
No. I-I did nothing.
353
00:12:59,503 --> 00:13:01,920
And when we were friends, I
was actually kind of cool.
354
00:13:01,972 --> 00:13:05,140
I was basically the Matt Damon
of my junior high class.
355
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:07,175
And after the bullying, I was
356
00:13:07,177 --> 00:13:10,228
pretty much just the Marv Damon.
357
00:13:10,263 --> 00:13:12,230
My local congressman who got
arrested for masturbating
358
00:13:12,265 --> 00:13:13,648
in a library.
359
00:13:13,683 --> 00:13:15,650
To a book?
360
00:13:15,685 --> 00:13:18,436
And the weirdest thing
about the whole situation
361
00:13:18,488 --> 00:13:20,655
was that, while he was beating me up,
362
00:13:20,690 --> 00:13:22,824
there was a bunch of adults
just standing there,
363
00:13:22,859 --> 00:13:25,026
watching, doing nothing.
364
00:13:26,663 --> 00:13:27,862
(chuckling)
365
00:13:27,864 --> 00:13:30,114
Well, I'm not gonna do nothin'.
366
00:13:30,167 --> 00:13:32,283
What are you gonna do?
367
00:13:32,335 --> 00:13:35,908
- Something.
- Yeah, but what?
368
00:13:37,413 --> 00:13:39,780
(video game sound effects)
369
00:13:43,619 --> 00:13:44,835
Yeah?
370
00:13:44,870 --> 00:13:47,087
Never thought I'd see you again.
371
00:13:47,123 --> 00:13:48,589
Who are you?
372
00:13:48,624 --> 00:13:51,091
Someone you bullied 20 years ago.
373
00:13:51,127 --> 00:13:53,343
- I'm only 12.
- I came here looking
374
00:13:53,379 --> 00:13:55,262
for some dad-sized demons to conquer.
375
00:13:55,297 --> 00:13:58,682
And all of a sudden, I ran
into a little turd demon.
376
00:13:58,718 --> 00:14:01,385
(scoffs) You sure you
have the right person?
377
00:14:01,437 --> 00:14:04,188
Yeah. You may have bullied me,
378
00:14:04,223 --> 00:14:07,558
- but you're not gonna bully my friend Chris.
- Yo.
379
00:14:07,610 --> 00:14:09,977
(chuckles) "You bullied me."
380
00:14:09,979 --> 00:14:11,528
Okay, Urkel.
381
00:14:11,564 --> 00:14:12,196
Urkel?
382
00:14:12,231 --> 00:14:13,564
"Urkel? Urkel?"
383
00:14:13,616 --> 00:14:15,232
Oh!
384
00:14:15,284 --> 00:14:17,151
Oh!
385
00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:19,903
Oh!
386
00:14:21,434 --> 00:14:23,184
Oh...!
387
00:14:23,236 --> 00:14:26,103
(stomach burbling)
388
00:14:26,155 --> 00:14:27,438
(farts)
389
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,190
It settled.
390
00:14:29,242 --> 00:14:31,158
You made the ice cream settle.
391
00:14:31,194 --> 00:14:32,693
Oh, my God.
392
00:14:32,745 --> 00:14:34,695
Thank you. (exhales)
393
00:14:34,747 --> 00:14:37,698
And now it's my time
to settle something.
394
00:14:37,750 --> 00:14:39,417
The score.
395
00:14:40,286 --> 00:14:41,752
This is for Dan Chambers.
396
00:14:42,288 --> 00:14:43,621
(grunts)
397
00:14:48,378 --> 00:14:50,294
(door opens, bell
tinkles) You guys all saw
398
00:14:50,296 --> 00:14:52,463
that kid hit me first, right?!
399
00:14:52,465 --> 00:14:55,633
That's why I had to
kick him in the penis.
400
00:14:58,471 --> 00:15:00,137
(coin clinks)
401
00:15:02,975 --> 00:15:05,943
DAN: All right, dead Dad, let's
see who the failure is now.
402
00:15:05,978 --> 00:15:07,278
♪ ♪
403
00:15:09,315 --> 00:15:10,315
(gags)
404
00:15:14,787 --> 00:15:15,787
(laughs)
405
00:15:16,406 --> 00:15:17,406
(squeals happily)
406
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,543
I did it!
407
00:15:22,578 --> 00:15:24,128
That's not done.
408
00:15:24,163 --> 00:15:26,964
- What?
- That is not done.
409
00:15:26,999 --> 00:15:30,084
Cookie bowl is part of it.
410
00:15:30,136 --> 00:15:33,337
MRS. CHADWICK: Cookie
bowl is part of it.
411
00:15:36,008 --> 00:15:39,560
I can't do it. I can't do it.
412
00:15:39,595 --> 00:15:41,562
My dad was right.
413
00:15:41,597 --> 00:15:44,014
I'm a loser and a failure
414
00:15:44,016 --> 00:15:45,566
and a fat pig.
415
00:15:45,601 --> 00:15:47,318
And I'm even a failure
at being a fat pig,
416
00:15:47,353 --> 00:15:48,936
because I didn't eat all the ice cream.
417
00:15:48,988 --> 00:15:49,988
DEBORAH: No, no.
418
00:15:50,022 --> 00:15:52,189
You are not going to fail on my watch,
419
00:15:52,191 --> 00:15:53,574
you fat pig.
420
00:15:53,609 --> 00:15:55,693
I love you. Thank you for that.
You busted
421
00:15:55,695 --> 00:15:59,330
that bully, and now it's time
to bust that belly, buster.
422
00:15:59,365 --> 00:16:02,533
Thank you, guys, for believing in me.
423
00:16:02,535 --> 00:16:03,834
Here I go.
424
00:16:03,870 --> 00:16:05,369
(shouts)
425
00:16:05,371 --> 00:16:08,506
♪ ♪
426
00:16:08,541 --> 00:16:10,541
♪ Ooh, yeah, that's the flavor ♪
427
00:16:10,593 --> 00:16:12,209
♪ That's the sort of
thing I like to favor. ♪
428
00:16:14,046 --> 00:16:16,046
I did it.
429
00:16:16,048 --> 00:16:16,881
Yeah!
430
00:16:16,883 --> 00:16:17,798
(laughs)
431
00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:19,266
Yay!
432
00:16:19,302 --> 00:16:21,519
Screw you, Dad!
433
00:16:21,554 --> 00:16:24,138
(crying)
434
00:16:24,190 --> 00:16:25,773
DEBORAH: Oh.
435
00:16:25,808 --> 00:16:28,275
(sniffles) I did it.
436
00:16:28,311 --> 00:16:30,144
- Oh. (gags)
- Oh. Oh.
437
00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:37,067
All right, Mrs. Chadwick,
438
00:16:37,069 --> 00:16:39,987
T-shirt me. What are you doing?
439
00:16:40,039 --> 00:16:42,406
What do you mean? I finished the
Belly Buster. Don't I get a T-shirt?
440
00:16:42,408 --> 00:16:44,575
I might have one back here.
Could you check
441
00:16:44,577 --> 00:16:45,993
on it quick? I'm kind of cold.
442
00:16:46,045 --> 00:16:48,579
I'm also, like, filled
with a bunch of cold.
443
00:16:48,581 --> 00:16:49,713
I have one left.
444
00:16:49,749 --> 00:16:50,965
Oh, great. And the only person
445
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,667
here who deserves it is her.
446
00:16:53,719 --> 00:16:58,055
I... What did I do to
deserve such an honor?
447
00:16:58,090 --> 00:17:00,307
Your infantile love of ice cream
448
00:17:00,343 --> 00:17:03,727
made me realize that this is
not just a place of business.
449
00:17:03,763 --> 00:17:05,930
This is a place of joy.
450
00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:07,933
My first name is Joy.
451
00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:09,517
I love that name.
452
00:17:09,569 --> 00:17:11,685
That's wonderful. So you're not thinking
453
00:17:11,737 --> 00:17:13,020
of closing Chadwick's anymore?
454
00:17:13,072 --> 00:17:15,189
No. I'm actually thinking of hiring
455
00:17:15,241 --> 00:17:16,690
one more employee.
456
00:17:16,742 --> 00:17:19,076
Do you have any desire to work here?
457
00:17:19,111 --> 00:17:20,694
Yes! Yes, I would love to. Uh...
458
00:17:20,746 --> 00:17:22,329
I would love to. No, no, no.
459
00:17:22,365 --> 00:17:23,497
She actually can't.
460
00:17:23,533 --> 00:17:24,915
We're from out of town,
461
00:17:24,951 --> 00:17:26,951
and all of our cars are broken.
462
00:17:26,953 --> 00:17:28,586
DEBORAH: Yes. I-I...
463
00:17:28,621 --> 00:17:30,454
I can't. I forgot. I can't.
464
00:17:30,456 --> 00:17:32,289
Just to circle back again,
465
00:17:32,291 --> 00:17:33,841
I still feel like I should get something
466
00:17:33,876 --> 00:17:36,460
for finishing the Belly Buster.
You kicked
467
00:17:36,462 --> 00:17:39,630
a kid, and you have a weird Nazi spoon.
468
00:17:39,632 --> 00:17:41,632
I should call the cops on you.
469
00:17:41,634 --> 00:17:43,601
Let's get out of here, Deb.
This place is dead anyway.
470
00:17:45,471 --> 00:17:47,438
DEBORAH: He didn't mean it.
471
00:17:47,473 --> 00:17:50,307
And that was the most satisfying
tummy ache of my life.
472
00:17:50,309 --> 00:17:52,610
Thank you so much.
473
00:17:52,645 --> 00:17:55,446
Is this time machine amazing or what?
474
00:17:55,481 --> 00:17:57,281
I mean, my dad invents it.
475
00:17:57,316 --> 00:17:59,700
Then I use it to go back and
talk to Hancock and Adams,
476
00:17:59,735 --> 00:18:01,285
our nation's two best presidents.
477
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,287
They make me realize I
have issues with my dad
478
00:18:03,322 --> 00:18:04,622
that I need to fix in the past.
479
00:18:04,657 --> 00:18:06,040
While I'm there, I meet my bully.
480
00:18:06,075 --> 00:18:07,575
I get to get revenge on him.
481
00:18:07,627 --> 00:18:08,909
It's like the universe wanted everything
482
00:18:08,961 --> 00:18:10,461
to work out perfectly.
483
00:18:12,081 --> 00:18:13,914
BOY: Help! Someone!
484
00:18:13,966 --> 00:18:15,466
Mommy! Wait a minute.
485
00:18:15,501 --> 00:18:18,335
I recognize that voice.
486
00:18:18,337 --> 00:18:20,471
Stop it! Stop it!
487
00:18:20,506 --> 00:18:21,839
It's me.
488
00:18:21,841 --> 00:18:23,173
I thought we were friends, Dan.
489
00:18:23,175 --> 00:18:24,758
We are friends! Then why'd you send
490
00:18:24,810 --> 00:18:27,227
some old dude to come
attack me for no reason?
491
00:18:27,263 --> 00:18:30,731
Did I always cause my own
beating by traveling back
492
00:18:30,766 --> 00:18:33,484
in time and punching that
kid for Dan Chambers?
493
00:18:33,519 --> 00:18:35,319
- Probably not.
- You brought this
494
00:18:35,354 --> 00:18:37,404
on yourself, Daniel Chambers.
495
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:38,522
Maybe.
496
00:18:38,524 --> 00:18:39,524
(grunts)
497
00:18:40,443 --> 00:18:41,575
I have to do something.
498
00:18:41,611 --> 00:18:43,661
- (gasps)
- Whoa!
499
00:18:43,696 --> 00:18:44,862
Stop it.
500
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:49,983
Stop it.
501
00:18:50,035 --> 00:18:51,701
Ow.
502
00:18:52,153 --> 00:18:54,621
Maybe you can't interact
with yourself in the past.
503
00:18:54,656 --> 00:18:56,656
Maybe the universe
implodes or something.
504
00:18:56,825 --> 00:18:58,858
Don't do it again. I'd hate to implode.
505
00:18:58,910 --> 00:19:02,245
What am I supposed to do, just
stand here and do nothing,
506
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,081
like those adults that watched
me get beat... Oh, no.
507
00:19:05,117 --> 00:19:06,783
Help! Help!
508
00:19:06,835 --> 00:19:08,368
- Help.
- (woman singing angelically)
509
00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:10,253
Help.
510
00:19:10,288 --> 00:19:12,589
I'm sorry. I can't.
511
00:19:12,624 --> 00:19:15,375
Please, I don't deserve this.
512
00:19:15,427 --> 00:19:17,377
♪ ♪
513
00:19:17,429 --> 00:19:19,379
I know.
514
00:19:19,431 --> 00:19:20,296
(singing stops)
515
00:19:20,349 --> 00:19:21,464
Want some more?
516
00:19:21,466 --> 00:19:22,932
We should go.
517
00:19:22,968 --> 00:19:24,351
(grunting)
518
00:19:26,638 --> 00:19:28,605
You take a good beating.
519
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:29,806
Thanks.
520
00:19:29,858 --> 00:19:31,057
(distant siren wailing)
521
00:19:31,109 --> 00:19:32,776
(explosion)
522
00:19:32,811 --> 00:19:33,943
(grunts)
523
00:19:33,979 --> 00:19:35,445
- (grunts)
- Good to be back
524
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:36,613
- in the present.
- Daniel,
525
00:19:36,648 --> 00:19:39,315
if you caused your
younger you's beating,
526
00:19:39,317 --> 00:19:41,117
do you think that your future you
527
00:19:41,153 --> 00:19:43,953
caused everything that
happened in your past?
528
00:19:43,989 --> 00:19:46,656
I don't know. It's giving me a headache.
529
00:19:46,708 --> 00:19:48,658
And not a little baby one.
530
00:19:48,710 --> 00:19:51,961
- A full-blown, adult-sized bangeroo.
- Guys,
531
00:19:51,997 --> 00:19:52,997
look.
532
00:19:52,998 --> 00:19:55,498
DAN: Chadwick's.
533
00:19:55,550 --> 00:19:56,966
It's still open!
534
00:19:57,002 --> 00:19:59,836
- (bell tinkles)
- DEBORAH: And that's Mrs. Chadwick.
535
00:19:59,838 --> 00:20:01,971
Oh, maybe I can go work for her!
536
00:20:02,007 --> 00:20:04,090
CHRIS: This is amazing.
537
00:20:04,142 --> 00:20:06,142
I saved a woman's life, and,
538
00:20:06,178 --> 00:20:08,344
you, you saved a woman's business.
539
00:20:08,346 --> 00:20:10,180
And, you...
540
00:20:10,182 --> 00:20:12,682
you did an ice cream thing. But, still,
541
00:20:12,734 --> 00:20:16,486
we're the ones causing all of this.
542
00:20:16,521 --> 00:20:19,489
We're like gods.
543
00:20:19,524 --> 00:20:21,357
We're like
544
00:20:21,410 --> 00:20:22,275
gods!
545
00:20:22,327 --> 00:20:23,993
(whoops)
546
00:20:24,029 --> 00:20:26,446
Is that really you?
547
00:20:26,498 --> 00:20:27,947
Oh.
548
00:20:27,999 --> 00:20:31,785
I got a completely
different outlook on life
549
00:20:31,837 --> 00:20:33,169
after you came in. I started thinking
550
00:20:33,205 --> 00:20:35,371
you were my guardian ang...
551
00:20:35,424 --> 00:20:36,039
- (tires screech)
- DAN: Oh!
552
00:20:36,091 --> 00:20:37,540
Oh, my!
553
00:20:37,542 --> 00:20:39,542
- (alarm beeping)
- Is she okay?
554
00:20:39,544 --> 00:20:41,010
I-I didn't see her. You know,
555
00:20:41,046 --> 00:20:42,962
she just ran out into the
middle of the street!
556
00:20:43,014 --> 00:20:44,547
Please,
557
00:20:44,599 --> 00:20:46,049
- call 911!
- CHRIS: Judi Forelli?
558
00:20:46,101 --> 00:20:47,101
(gasps)
559
00:20:48,603 --> 00:20:50,353
(woman singing angelically)
560
00:20:50,388 --> 00:20:51,938
You.
561
00:20:53,108 --> 00:20:56,176
How could you let this happen?
562
00:20:56,211 --> 00:20:58,812
♪ ♪
563
00:20:58,864 --> 00:21:00,480
(singing stops)
564
00:21:00,532 --> 00:21:01,898
Wh...
565
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:05,735
♪ You've got to live and learn ♪
566
00:21:05,737 --> 00:21:08,321
♪ You've got to live and learn ♪
567
00:21:08,373 --> 00:21:10,123
♪ Go! Go! Go! ♪
568
00:21:10,158 --> 00:21:11,574
MAN: Yeah!
569
00:21:11,626 --> 00:21:13,126
(horn honking)
39159
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