All language subtitles for Freebie and the Bean (1974)-ENG

'Stinks, I'm telling you'

'it's rotten, alright?'

'It's not that bad.'

How do you know?

If it tastes good, then, uh

that's all
you need to worry about.

'Johnny's,
it's a terrible restaurant.'

Here, come on.
You do it for a while.

Come on,
you did it for 8 seconds.

I did it for 7 minutes exactly.

Say it was 11:38, it's 11:45.
That's 7 minutes.

It's a $200 watch.
That's wholesale.

Come on, it's getting
on my jacket, anyway.

Last week, it was your pants.

No, you're wrong.

Last week, last week,
it happened to be my shoes.

- Oh, Jesus!
- Jesus Christ!

There's a cat in there.

Get him out of there.

Get Out!
Out!

Here.

- Here, hold the flashlight.
- 'Huh?'

Oh, I hate this.

What's that?
It's a baby bottle.

Red Meyers doesn't have a baby.

His fag dog had puppies.

- 'Here.'
- What?

Something for you, play with it.

Oh, now, this is nice.

This is nice,
in the last 14 months

this is the nicest thing
you've ever given me.

Cuteness.
Look at this.

He ate the crotch right
out of her panties.

Huh, she must have a cute ass.

North side, 78,600.

Look at that!
Look at that!

Receipts and everything.

There's got to be more.

'Careful, careful, careful.'

- 'Everything's got salad oil--'
- 'There's more here.'

Yeah, that's it, man.
We got Red Meyers' ass.

- 'Here, wait, what?'
- 'Here's another piece.'

Here's another piece.

Come on, let's get his ass
out of bed.

Let's bust the son
of a bitch, come on!

Wait, we gotta get Motley.
We need Motley!

Motley the witness, let's go.
Come on!

Hey, Freebie!

Hi, sweetheart.

'Come on back!
I owe you one.'

Hey, Mongo, how are you?

Bean, how are you?
What's doing?

- Want a burrito?
- Yeah.

No, no, no, no,
we got some business to tend to.

Seen Motley, or what?

I haven't seen Motley
in 1 4 years.

14 years, huh?

'Hey, Mongo!
You got a hot dog bun?'

'I'm gonna need one
to make a sandwich.'

Hey, Mongo, give us a break.

Get ahold of Whitey.

I think they got
something going.

Thanks a lot.

'And I think
you all have my masters!'

'Huh, and I can teach us 1 2!'

You're a very, very bad man.

Get that, will ya, Bean?
I don't want to get dirty.

Lieutenant.

Call me lieutenant, start
learning how to salute because

a cop that puts away Red Meyers
is gonna make lieutenant.

Vice Squad.
We retire in three years.

We have five apartment buildings
and every hooker in town.

- Still going with vice squad?
- What's wrong with vice squad?

- Something wrong with that?
- Nothing's wrong!

You don't wanna live
in a nice house?

Huh, wear nice clothes?
Drive a nice car?

- Something wrong with that?
- Do whatever you wanna do.

That's what I wanna do.
I want you to have it, too.

You're my friend, I love you,
something wrong with that?

- I want you to be rich.
- I wanna be a cop.

You wanna be a shakedown artist.

And you know,
you really are stupid.

'I wanna be lieutenant!
You know, you're right.'

Because $806 a month
is not a bad life

for a spic that swam across
the Rio Grande at age of 1 0.

And you're gonna go miss me,
aren't you?

'You can't get along
without me for five minutes.'

'It's really bullshit.'

'I'm stupid to even
argue with you, I'm stupid.'

- Bothers you, doesn't it?
- Screw off, will ya?

When you're on the Vice Squad,
I'll come and visit you.

Hey, that's a lot of bullshit.

Your family's sitting
over there on a dirt floor.

- Eating chicken shit.
- I'll bring you soup.

I'll bring Crayolas
and everything!

Kiss my ass, you Mexican.

I'll have conversations
with the principals.

I'll come
and help you make policy.

All of those things.

Hey, Whitey.

Hey, Bean.

Hey, what's going on?

Getting up in the world, huh?

- Yeah.
- Whoo!

How's the hijacking
business?

Hey, uh, you guys know

I don't do that anymore.

Oh, yeah?

We heard you had
a little something going

with Motley, you know!

- Motley?
- Yeah.

No, where'd you hear that?

Oh, just fooling around.

You know where he is?

- 'Uh-uh.'
- You sure?

Hey, man,
I wouldn't shit you guys.

This is high up here.

This high, Bean?

I'm getting a little nauseous.

- What about you?
- Oh!

My legs, they go like rubber.

You got workman's comp,
Whitey?

Sure I got workman's comp.

I'm a member, remember?

Hey, le-lemme ask you something.

Would they cover you
if you like..

You know,
like one day you slipped.

And fell off or somethin'.
Are you covered for that?

Hey, I ain't gonna fall.
I'm careful.

How about if you got pushed off?

What are you do--

Huh, I'm getting crazy.

I'm getting crazy up here!

Where's Motley?

Uh, he, uh, he's out of town.

- Laundering some money.
- Oh, yeah?

'Yeah, he'll be back
on Monday, uh!'

'We play poker Monday.'

He wouldn't miss that,
I'm telling you!

He still live at the same place?

Yeah, he lives there,
I'm telling you, he didn't move.

'What's that for?'

Perfect performance.
Very subtle.

I'm going crazy!
I'm gonna push him, terrific.

You know, it worked, didn't it?
I scared the crap out of him.

- 'It was terrible.'
- 'I was imitating you.'

'Well, I was bad.
First time I did it.'

'...the first caller
that gets the correct title'

'of the song
we're about to play'

'gets not one,
but two free tickets'

'to the Super Bowl!'

Look at this shit.

Christ, if it's like
this on Friday

what's it gonna
be like on Sunday?

All this city needs

are a thousand more pimps
and boys

and rednecks going ape-shit.

Well, the mayor
wanted the Super Bowl.

'What do you read
that shit for?'

You don't have to pass no exam

if you wanna be a lieutenant,
you know that, don't you?

I'd still like to know
what's in it.

Put it down.
Come on, put it, put it down.

- Hey.
- Well, listen to me.

'Stop reading that shit.
I'm talking to you.'

'Listen to me.'

'Remember what I told you
about the apartment buildings?'

- Yeah.
- 'Forget about it.'

'Penthouse at the Hilton.'

I figured it out.

You dump the old lady
and the kids

you come live with me,
we have a ball.

It's bad enough
I gotta work with you.

Now you want me
to live with you?

Alright, you don't wanna be
a millionaire.

You know, you could
eat 48 tacos a day.

And I can still have
you steal them for me.

Okay.
Alright.

It's as you drive a Cadillac
or a Toyota.

You're still gonna
get stuck in this crap.

No, no, no, no.
See that's where you're wrong.

Millionaires, yeah,
they got special lanes.

- They go fast.
- Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah.
That's right.

They don't have to wait
for the cars.

We got that right now.

That's right.

'All cars, pursuit on Beach
Boulevard, request support.'

Hey, that's close.
Come on, let's go over there.

'Liquor truck, blue.
Suspect armed and dangerous.'

Hey, what're you, crazy?
Are you trying to get us killed?

That's a 45 mile
per-hour on ramp!

- Relax, will you?
- Slow down!

Hey, slow down, you idiot!

'Oh, man, run.
Run for your lives!'

Hey!

Well, I told you, smart ass.

But you don't listen.
You know everything!

You still think you're
a goddamn motorcycle cop!

I could've made it
in my Porsche.

- It's a Ford!
- I could have, though!

- It's not your Porsche!
- I could have made it though.

- It's a Ford!
- Lousy power steering.

This is helmet time.

- You want your helmet?
- No, leave me alone.

'Let me out!'

'Stop the car, I wanna get out.
That's too fast!'

'Jesus! I thought I left
the old lady at home!'

"'Blah, blah, blah!"'

'Careful, careful!'

'Just made the poor guy
wet on his shoes.'

That's the truck, huh?

Okay, alright, there's a lot
of guys after him.

Don't hit any policemen.

They're really hauling ass, huh?

Hey, hey, cut it out!
Jesus Christ!

We've got him, for God's sakes.

It's 20 against two.

Take him, take him.

Easy, take it easy.

Should have gone the other way?

I was going the other way,
now, all of a sudden

you're a director of traffic?

Watch the glass!
There's bottles--

How can I watch the glass?
I'm watching the truck!

Whoa!
Jesus Christ!

'Get back, it's gonna explode!'

'You're crazy.
Could have killed somebody.'

Hey, what you guys doing
out here?

Oh, we brought
the ice and soda, Frank.

'He's drunk, he's drunk.'

Jesus.

Scotch, huh?

Move! Move!

Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah?

Hey, is it my fault
they didn't bring tequila?

Put this evidence
in the car here.

Watch it, I got some evidence
here, watch it, back up!

'Come on, now back up!'

Hey, come on!
Hey, hey, hey!

My neck hurts.
Get me a doctor.

He's bought it.

Holy Jesus.

- Hey, hey, Bean.
- Huh?

This stuff comes from where we
just come from, doesn't it?

Yeah.

You can make it.
Just try.

Hey.

Up!

Anybody ever tell you
you shouldn't shoot at cops!

Huh?
Huh?

Let's take him
down to headquarters

and sweat him a little bit!

Hey, hold on.
Why don't you guys take him?

Come on.

Let those idiots do it.

Look, let's go sweat the guy
that's sweating, alright?

'I guess that must have
been the little something'

'Whitey and Motley
got going together.'

Oh, what a dump.
This is really depressing.

What a depressing life.

Might as well get used to it.
It's where all the ex-cons live.

You're going to feel
right at home here.

Actually,
it's not so bad, you know.

The view, the view is terrific.

You can see my suite
at the Hilton over there.

By the way, this is not
an ex-con's neighborhood.

- It's a different neighborhood.
- How do you know?

This is a blue-collar
workers' neighborhood.

Where do you get
your information?

Oh, we just passed
that clothesline over there!

Didn't you see
the shirts hanging there?

I'm gonna kill you
I swear to God

one of these days,
I'm gonna kill you.

Listen, when you do

I want you to do me a favor.

Use the service elevator.

'Got that,
Lieutenant Mexican sir?'

The minute I become lieutenant
I'm gonna have

three guys watching you
24 hours a day

and you start stealing soap
from those carts that go by

I'm gonna have your ass in jail,
next to Red Meyers.

What-what soap and what carts?

They got ladies
that push those carts around.

- With soap and towels!
- I didn't know that.

- Oh, yeah?
- Well, how did you know that?

My mother used to push
one of those.

- ls that right?
- Yeah.

Hi, Whitey.

Oh!

Ouch!

I don't know nothing about it.

Alright, okay, look, all I know

was what warehouse
the scotch was in, alright?

And you and Motley
in this thing together?

Motley, no.

- Excuse me.
- Yeah.

- I don't like to interrupt.
- That's alright.

Oh, yeah, l-l wanna inform you
of your rights.

You're allowed to consult
a lawyer if you so desire.

Hey, hey, take it easy.
Take it easy.

Why?

No, don't hit him anymore.
I've got some questions--

- He makes me so mad, so angry.
- I understand.

It's just that he does,
I'm sorry!

- Take it easy.
- Lose my mind sometimes.

- Just take it easy.
- Alright!

Okay.

What did Motley have to do
with this?

Nothing.

Yeah.

You know, you keep a very,
very, very messy house.

Agh!

Hey, hey, hey, come on now.

What are you--
you're bleeding all over me.

Aah!

What are you doin' out here?

Get back in there
and cover yourself up!

'Uh..'

Well, I hate he's
not gonna say anything.

Listen, Bean, why don't you, uh

you know,
you stay with him, and I'll

I'll go play with
the girlfriend a little bit.

Maybe she knows something,
I don't know!

Hey, hey, not the girl!
Not the girl!

'It's been months, man.
Now let me go.'

I warned you
about this last time.

I promise it won't happen again.
I promise..

Lt will!
You're an animal!

- Let me deal with it.
- Damn it, Freebie!

Listen, you don't wanna
tell us anything else?

You're sure, now?

Get your partner out of there.

She can't tell him nothing.

She got nothing to say to him.

She got nothing to say to him!

What's he gonna do to her?

Oh, I don't know,
it's different every time.

What?

You sure you don't wanna
tell us about Motley?

I told you, Motley--

'Hey, Bean!'

'You got the pliers?'

- Pliers?
- 'Yeah.'

Oh, the pl--
The pliers!

Not the pliers, Freebie!

Get him out of there!

What are you doing
this big number on me for, man?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, would you
get this voyeur outta here

'because I'm really
starting to lose my desire.'

Keep stuffing your face,
you're gonna get fat as a pig!

Please, Bean,
would you get him outta here?

Cause she's gonna start
eating another apple.

What are you squeezing
Motley for, huh?

We're not interested
in Motley, we wanna know

about a friend of Motley's.

What?
Red Meyers?

Would you put your hands
behind your back?

Please, dear?

'You're wasting your time.'

Look, Red Meyers
is gonna be dead on Monday.

They got a contract
out on him.

'It's about time.
Come on, who cares?'

'Get him outta here.'

'isn't that worth something,
what I just told you, huh?'

Hey, that's not news
just floating around

on the streets, man.

'For god's sakes listen to me.
She ain't worth it!'

Who's got the contract?

Detroit.

'It's out of Detroit.'

They got Michigan Phil.

'Who's the buyer?'

- What?
- 'Who's the buyer?'

'Medic, medic!
Stretcher-bearer!'

'Let's play something nice.'

'I'll kill her!
Get him!'

'Stay in the line of fire.'

'I gotcha!'

'Look at that idiot
standing out there.'

- 'He'll get himself killed.'
- 'To our futures.'

'Not your lieutenant bars, my
soap bars right in the crapper.'

- 'Maybe we better warn him.'
- 'No, no, no, no.'

'If we warn him, he won't
be around on Monday.'

'He'll go so far underground'

'they'll need a steam shovel
to dig him out.'

'I got a better idea.'

- 'Than what?'
- 'Didn't you just, uh..'

'I mean have an idea?'

- 'I got a better one.'
- 'What?'

Alright, listen.

I think we gotta take a chance.

I mean we gotta
pick him up right now.

Yeah, but for what,
possession of an adding

machine tape
soaked in salad oil?

D.A's not gonna go for that.
We gotta have Motley.

So, we'll pick him up
for something else.

What, walking a dog
without a leash?

So, pick him up
for something else.

Indecent exposure?

What the hell
are you guys talking about?

What, are you crazy
or something, huh?

What is this,
some kind of a gag?

No, sir.
Uh, it's not.

You uh, unzipped your fly

there in the park we saw you.

I unzipped my fly?

Oh, yeah, we saw you.

I got a hernia.
I was adjusting my truss.

Oh.

You guys are really cops?

- That's right.
- Let me see your ID.

- Okay!
- Come on.

Here you are.

Rosen's precinct.

Why the hell didn't you tell me?

Christ sake!

Sure, it's a gag.

'What the hell's
the matter with me?'

Hey, uh, one of my boys
not paying off, huh?

- Nothing like that.
- Tell me who it is.

I'll bust his head.

I don't think that'd be
a very good idea, sir.

Alright, how much?

It's not a question
of money, sir.

I'm afraid you're gonna
have to come with us, sir.

You haven't given me
a good reason yet.

You know, you guys are smoking
too much of that stuff

you're taking off
of them pushers.

Where'd you get this suit?

Will you go get your jacket,
please, sir?

Alright.

But you're gonna get yelled at.

A lot.

Mildred!

- Mildred!
- 'What?'

Where the hell are you?

'What?'

Did you get the cracked crab?

Yeah, 200 pounds.

From Jorgensen's?

On ice, if you..

Will you stop worrying
about the party?

- It'll be here.
- I'm not worried about--

Who are they?

You take care of the house

I take care
of the business, right?

Hmm?

Now what the hell
are you mad at?

- Did you hear that?
- 'Mildred!'

Huh, 200 pounds of cracked crab
from Jorgensen's?

- You know what that's worth?
- What do I care?

What do you care.

Now, this isn't gonna work,
you know.

Well, we'll find a way
to make it work.

Hey, let's go, come on.

Come on.

Come on, uh,
not out the front door.

Out the back, come on.

I don't want nobody to see me

with you katzenjammer cops.

Indecent exposure..
Maybe it's a compliment.

- What are you doing?
- Just checking.

What are you, what are you,
what are you, hey!

'24 hours,
that's all I'm asking.'

24 hours, what's the big deal.

To drunk-tank Red Meyers?

So?

Look, you..

You are suckin'
for a very big bruise.

Now, that you guys have already

dug yourself in so deep

in this pit you've made

there's no way
that I can dig you out

without, uh, burying you deeper.

- You know what I mean?
- No idea.

You know
what he's talking about?

I don't know what
he's talking about.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're here.

Right away.

There's this uh, man

in the fancy office
right across the hall

who would like the pleasure
of your company.

You can't miss him.

He's wearing a black suit

and a red face.

Hey! Prick.

- Tuck your shirt in.
- Tuck my shirt in?

Screw him.
Hey, here, how's this?

- Tuck your shirt in.
- Kiss my ass.

How in the world did you guys
stay alive till now?

They should've destroyed you
when you were rookies.

How do you get up
in the morning?

Tell me..

...what was going
through your mind?

Indecent exposure?

Red Meyers?
Are you insane?

Do you know how many
phone calls I had

in the last 1 5 minutes?

I'm not talking about lawyers.

I'm talking
about the guys on our side.

You wanna hear the list?

You want me to start
with the lieutenant governor

and work down,
or do you want me to start

with the councilmen and work up?

- Sir, can I--
- No, you can say nothing!

I don't know
what to do with you guys.

'Let me see your gun
and your badge.'

- Wanna see mine, too, sir?
- No, don't, don't touch it.

I don't want you to touch
anything in my office.

Intelligence squad?

'You're not fit to guard'

the fish at the aquarium.

Sir, Can I..
Can I say one..

- Could he say something?
- May I say one thing, sir?

- Uh, we..
- Sir, we..

If we had, if,
no, if you had

with our help,
an airtight case--

Airtight case,
an indictment in a grand jury

'I mean would that,
would that would that--'

'Would that change your..'

'Would it help anything, sir?'

Would that change
things for you?

An airtight case, sir.
Airtight.

For indecent exposure?

- Not, no, sir.
- No.

I mean, this is the real thing.

I mean the numbers--

A policy, everything.
We've got it.

'We have him, sir.'

Uh, see, sir, uh, well..

- Go ahead.
- Go ahead, no, I was..

1 4 months, sir, we've been
working. 1 4 months, and-and..

- We've got him.
- We've got him, excuse me.

Uh, we have it tied up
in a-in a pink ribbon. I mean..

- We have him, sir.
- We-we've got his ass.

- His ass is ours.
- Excuse me, sir.

- But we have it.
- His ass is ours, sir!

Wha-wha-what do you have?
Stop the speeches.

Just, just tell me
what you have.

- We have..
- We have a ledger sheet--

We have a ledger sheet
with everything, sir.

It's got everything on it.

It's got numbers.
It's got names.

It's got his initials
all over it, sir.

'And his initials on there.'

'Uh, salad oil all over.
Got it out of the garbage.'

We've been digging
in garbage for 1 4 months, sir.

And this is
what we came up with, and, uh..

It's not enough.

It's not enough.

Well, what--

- It's not enough?
- What would be enough, sir?

- I need a witness.
- 'We--'

Somebody to explain it all
to the grand jury.

- But we have a witness.
- We have one, sir.

Who?

- Ha.
- We have, uh, Mo-Mo..

- Harry.
- Harry Motley.

We have Harry Motley.

This office tried
386 cases last year

from murder one to jaywalking.

I personally got
342 convictions.

That's wonderful, sir.

'What makes you think
Motley's going to get'

'chatty in a courtroom?'

Motley's a smiler.
He's not a talker.

Uh, uh..

We have an edge, sir.

'Yes, sir, well, you see'

it's statutory rape.

- We have a girl.
- A-a-a..

- Fourteen year old girl..
- A fourteen year old girl..

- Whose parents have agreed..
- Whose parents they will..

If he even s-smirks,
they'll talk.

'He's coming back
into town on Monday.'

- Monday, he'll be back here.
- And we're gonna have him.

And once he's here, sir..

'We'll have his ass.'

Sit down.

'Both of you, sit down.'

'I-I-I would..'

I would like to ask you
just one more question

before I have you
both committed.

Why'd you arrest Red Meyers
and tip him off

when you got the whole thing
sitting in your laps?

You couldn't wait
until Monday?

No, sir, see..

There's a problem.
a small problem.

We got a little problem
in that regard, sir.

It's a small problem, sir, but..

and that is that, uh..

Red Meyers may not be
alive on Monday, sir.

There's a contract out
from Detroit professionals.

- Killers.
- Think we have a major problem.

It's a huge problem, I mean how
do you deal with a monstrous--

'We don't have a problem.'

We don't have one major problem

You-you know
why we don't have a problem?

I'm gonna tell you
why we don't have a problem.

There's no problem here.

'Red Meyers will be
alive by Monday.'

You know why Red Meyers
will be alive by Monday?

Because you boys are going
to keep him alive until Monday.

That's what this office
wants you to do

unless you like fish.

I don't mean to eat.
I mean to garden.

Sir, gar..?

- Garden.
- Of course.

Sir, if I, uh, you know
I could be bold enough to, um..

I mean, what if we do keep him
alive until Monday?

Are you trying to make
a deal with me, Freebie?

No! He's just only asking..

It was just a kind of a..

- He's just asking a question.
- That's all.

I like that.

No, he's only,
he's just asking..

Just..

'I didn't mean, uh..'

You'll have the gratitude of all

the people of this great state.

Well, that's all,
you know, that's..

That's all we could ask..

That's all we want.
That's..

Who wouldn't?

Please get out of my office.

Sir?

He wants us
to get out of his office.

Handle it, handle it.
What's the matter?

Can't you talk to people?
You can do it.

Alright.

- Hey, boss.
- What?

Those two yahoos
in the police car

are still following us.

Don't lose him.
Don't lose him.

Not gonna lose him.
It's a 600 Mercedes Limousine.

Might steal it.
I'm not gonna lose it.

Look, there's still
a tail on me.

How the hell do I know?

Somebody got
a wild hair up his ass.

So, rest of this week,
you make the deposits.

Yeah, I'm bringing
the tally sheets to my house.

Only, uh, you got one
like the blue one?

Get the blue tie
out of the window.

- Oh, don't bother.
- For you, Mr. Meyers?

Herbie, get the blue tie.

What is that cardone..

What do you make
that in a basement?

I'm lucky I have a dozen of em',
Amish, Mr. Meyers.

Amish, huh?
All right, I'll take it.

Do you believe
that moron's paying

$65 a piece for those shirts?

- Moron?
- Yeah.

- Moron?
- Yeah.

Yeah?

Ever dawn on you,
you dumb peon

that there's a reason that
people spend $65 for a shirt?

Dawned on me
some people are idiots.

- Idiots?
- Yeah.

Do you know why I'd spend
$65 for this shirt?

Why is that?

Send it to cleaners 1 00 times

comes back
with the buttons on it.

That's right, it's not like

like it was sewn on
by a bunch of gooks in Taiwan

like this piece of crap,
you're wearing.

Here look at this, $5 rag.
Look at it, look at it.

Look at this.

Look at it.
Ah, what the hell.

You get what you paid for,
how'd I expect you

to understand that,
look at this you're wearing

Thom McAn shoes
with goddamn white socks.

Come out in the street.

cause I'm gonna knock your teeth
down your throat!

Don't touch me, anymore,
what do you think

you own the goddamn world?

May I help you gentlemen?

- No!
- Yes, yes, you can.

Sorry about the noise,
Mr. Meyers.

That's okay.
They're with me.

We're, uh, we're police.
I'm a police officer.

'This..'

I'm with..

Screw it!

Uh, yeah, well..

That's a-a fire hazard up there.

Oh, that, are you a policeman

or a fireman, which?

Oh, oh, I see, fine.

Alright, forget I said it.

You got a phone in here, huh?

A phone?
No, uh, no, I don't.

Public phone's fine.
I don't have to use your phone.

Wait, wait, wait.
What're you talking about?

If it was up to me,
understand, I-I'd let it go.

I mean, uh,
this-those regulations

I mean, it's really nitpicking,
you know what I mean?

But these guys,
they're gonna come around

next week, you know?

And uh, well, when they see

that exit door
blocked back there

it is blocked, isn't it?

Got a lot of paper
in the trash cans back there.

Gee, this is lovely
stuff here, lovely.

- Oh, you like it?
- Very much.

Uh, you have no baffle
on that air conditioning vent.

I'm afraid
that doesn't look too good.

I must be really stupid.
I should've figured out

a long time ago
what's wrong with you.

What do you mean, you'd figure
out "what's wrong with me"?

You don't know you're stealing.

You think what other people do
is called stealing

but when you do it,
there's some kind of

noble motive attached to it.

Like when I was a kid
I'd steal, but I'd only do it

from thrifty cut-rate drugstores

so I thought
I was really terrific.

- Through?
- Yeah.

Okay, let me explain
something to you, alright.

When a guy goes in the store
to steal something

he goes with a gun
or he hides it

under his jacket
and he walks out, right?

Did I hide anything?

Did I hide anything?
I mean, answer me.

Did the guy say, Please take

this jacket,
I mean, is that stealing?

Why are you trying
to justify yourself to me?

I'm not, you're
justifying yourself to me.

Look, I risk my life for what?

200 and change
every goddamn week?

What for to protect
this neighborhood

and that stupid store
from some junkie

that's gonna walk in there
one night, right

and rob the entire register.

So to show his gratitude,
this guy

he gives me this $250 jacket

which happens to cost him $32.

I mean, that's immoral, right?

You'll be terrific on
the Vice Squad, you know that?

They ought to start you off
as a captain.

Yeah, you're really, uh, you're
really turning into a shrew.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah!

What the hell do you think
I did that whole number for?

- Don't know.
- To get you a nice new shirt.

That's right.
Don't smile at me.

When you turned it down

I had to take something,
I hurt the guy's feelings.

That's right.

Hey, meatball!
What are you doing?

Look at that idiot
standing out there.

We get out of the cross fire
when those guys

from Detroit show up,
they're very good.

'I know you've got a couple
of secrets up your sleeve.'

'What did you guys
say to each other in huddle?'

'Well, Bill, we don't
just talk to each other.'

'We talk to Christ,
so when that ball is snapped'

'then I'm looking downfield
at those mother'

'coming at me, and I know
Christ is on our side'

'and that's why we're going to
break their heads, kick the
holy out of them this Sunday..'

'Where the hell is he?'

I wrote a make sheet on Michigan
Phil early this morning.

'Don't make a federal case,
Freebie.'

'Lt hasn't come in yet.
1 0-4.'

'What do you mean
it hasn't come in yet?'

This guy's gonna kill somebody!

And I know what the hell
he looks like!

What'd you do,
send him a postcard?

What is there,
holiday in Detroit?

Are they celebrating
a goddamn car

that hasn't fallen
apart in 1 2,000 miles?

That's right, scream and yell,
make some more friends downtown

to help us out
when we're in the crunch.

Yeah, this is all the friend
you need right there.

The Lone Ranger.

And his faithful
companion Superspic.

Jesus Christ,
are you lucky I'm your partner.

Anybody else would have
let you get killed years ago.

- Let me get killed?
- That's it.

You'll make
somebody a lovely wife.

Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute.
Let me get killed?

What about the last year

when you walked out
of the car and you said uh..

"Excuse me, mister,
you with the, uh.."

"With the money on the scene"

"the gun
and the mask on your face."

- ls that supposed to be me?
- I-I'm working on it..

"You with all the money
and-and-and the mask

"and the gun, excuse me,
I have to see..

I have to see
your license, okay?"

"Is.."
What?

Michigan plates.

Think that's him?

The way he's looking at Meyers.

Intelligence 21 .
Assistance at 435 Pine.

Suspect under surveillance.
1 0-4.

Makes a move, I'm going
to scream down on him, alright?

- Yeah.
- Cover me.

- Right.
- Here we go.

Go, go, go.

Hey, hold it right there.

Hey, hey,
what are you doing to her?

Leave her alone!

Hey, Freeb!

Take your filthy hands..

Hyah!

Freebie?

Hey, let go.
Are you crazy?

Look, give her what she wants.
She'll win anyway.

She'll get it in court.
I know!

Let me go, will you?

Let go of the pole, miss.

Bean!

Come here.

Get him in there.

Get his gun. Get it.

- Get his gun!
- He hasn't got a gun!

What do you mean
he hasn't got a gun?

I'm telling you
he hasn't got one!

Well, get his lD,
something, will you?

- Argh!
- What?

He's a Cadillac
salesman from Detroit!

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here,
asshole?

What are you doing here?

- Idiot!
- Get off him!

I was meeting her,
she's my boss' wife

but you already know that.

- You dummy!
- Oh, my God!

We were going to a motel!

We were going to a motel.

I swear to God
we won't do it again.

Tell him I won't do it again!

I swear to God,
I know it ain't right

but I won't do it again,
tell him!

Tell him I won't do it again!

- That's going to get--
- Tell him I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

Did you get a load
of those guys, huh?

Mr. Inconspicuous.

I don't see Red Meyers.
Where the hell is Red Meyers?

Meyers is right here,
right here, 3 cars up.

- Get closer.
- I'm trying.

well, that guy
in the Plymouth's in a hurry.

What the hell was that move?

Can you read the license plates?

Yeah.
D.M.V, 389-PCE.

Plymouth Fury, blue.

'Reply to D.M.V. request.'

'Plates registered
to '71 Oldsmobile sedan.'

'Sharon Moss,
61 2 North Orange Drive.'

That's no Olds.

Hot plates coming through.

Let's take him.

- Get the, uh--
- Camouflage.

That ought to do it.

Good, you look like
a Mexican umpire.

'Don't look at him, for Christ's
sakes, don't look at him.'

Shit, he made us.
I think it was the shoes, huh?

Yeah.

- Hey!
- Ah, jeez!

Hey, come back here!

Holy shit!

I don't believe you're
really doing this.

Believe it!

'Believe it!'

I'll get that bastard.

He's having lunch somewhere.

Come on, he's probably home
by now.

Oh..

Not bad, huh?

Okay, now, take it easy.
The man's gonna kill somebody.

Please, please, Bean, this is
hard enough without your help.

- Dirty bastard.
- Well, we'll get him later.

- Dirty bastard!
- Let's go get a cup of coffee.

Dirty bastard!
Dirty bastard!

- Bastard.
- No, no, no, no!

- Bastard.
- No, no, no.

- Dirty bastard.
- No, no, no, aah!

Ta-da.

Agh!

Come on!
Don't fool around!

You're gonna get us killed!

What are you, crazy?

You're crazy.

I can't stand working
with you anymore!

I want an ambulance immediately!

- You pushed him!
- I got a headache.

You pushed that bastard!

I want an ambulance.

This is intelligence car 21 .

He killed about
half a dozen people there

because you pushed him.

'Get me an ambulance
immediately.'

Got a dead goddamn mike!

Ah, screw you.

'Hey, you crazy bastard!'

'Officers! Officers--'

Think I can cut him off
at Fremont.

Stop this car and turn around.

Turn around? I'm not losing
him now! Get off my ass!

You're responsible
for six people back there.

- Laying in the street!
- Get off my goddamn back!

Now listen to me!

- I hope you're happy now.
- I'm sorry.

- What?
- Aah!

It's alright.
Um, we're, uh..

Police officers, uh..

'Can I use your phone?'

Hi, Fred.

We got in a little accident.

'Uh, could you send a tow truck,
please'

'to, uh..'

'...61 8, Elm Street?'

Hold it.

It's the, uh, third floor,
apartment 304.

Hi, babe.

What are those?

Well, um..

This here is
a chocolate layer cake

and this is a rather large
kosher pickle.

Ah, go on and read.

- Oh!
- Go on read your book.

This is very, very important.

I don't wanna cut into
your reading time, at all.

Okay.

Girl like you needs
all the knowledge.

- Please.
- Oh, I can..

I got some of your stuff
from the cleaners

but the rest of it won't be
ready till Monday.

They're really swamped.

- Goddamn Super Bowl.
- I know.

Hey, you said, uh..

You were going by my apartment.
Did you go?

Mm-hmm,
there was a whole pile of stuff

in the middle
of the floor so I took

that to the cleaners too.

- A big pile?
- Uh-huh!

Oh, that was the janitor.

Honey, It's so silly,
I don't know

why you don't just

take my spare key
and bring the rest--

'This is very good.'

Really, your food's terrific.

I was afraid that, um

it might get dried out
from being in the oven.

- It ain't dry.
- Don't say ain't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

For an English teacher,
that's like

nails on a blackboard.

So what happened today?

Same old crap, you know.

Beat up a couple hookers.

'They were easy.'

Drunk knocked over a sign
on Fremont Street.

What were you doing

standing in front
of the sign at the time?

Hmm?

'Oh.'

Uh, no, uh, Bean

when I leaned out to yell at him

he rolled up a window
and caught it in there.

Want some ice?

For red wine?

Tell me about that book.

- T.E. Lawrence.
- Yeah.

Well, it's kind of intellectual

but I think what it really is

is an adventure story.

There's this guy

who dresses up
in these wild Arab costumes

and becomes their leader.

They do all sorts
of incredible things.

They-they sabotage,
and they blow up trains.

They get into
these bloody battles

and everything goes flying,
arms, legs, heads.

It's really terrific
action stuff.

I think you'd like it.

Hmm, I saw the movie.

Oh, well,
then you know what I mean.

Yeah, I remembered it as being

about a guy who uh,
couldn't make up his mind

whether to um, ball a
dried-up water hole or a camel

'or maybe even a clean Arab boy'

and while he's deciding

he happens to kill off
half of Arabia.

A-plus.

Yeah.

You know, you don't
have to be ashamed

that you know, you went
to college and I didn't.

'You know, I mean,
I do know the difference'

between Zane Grey
and T.E. Lawrence.

Would you tell me
some Zane Grey stories?

Sure.

First I, uh, I got to meet Bean.

They're charging the house!

Whoa!

Come on, will you?

Come on!

- Oh!
- Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!
Jesus Christ!

Look what you did
to my Goddamn lip.

You do that again, bud,
you are gonna die!

- I'm gonna what?
- You're going to fucking die!

Die, you wanna fight me,
you jackoff, do you?

I was right!
I was right!

Look what you did--

What do you mean,
you were right?

What if there was a guy
behind you?

I know there's no guy behind me!

What if there was
a guy with a gun behind you?

I know there wasn't one!

Never touch my guns!
Never look at them.

You understand that?

- You through?
- Yeah.

Well, then apologize
to my Goddamn lip!

You apologize about my gun.

You apologize to this!

Apologize about my gun

I'll apologize about your lip.

I apologize to your Goddamn gun.

I apologize about your lip.

Alright.

Alright.

You know, my wife
has been acting

really weird lately.

'She's been cooking good.'

'The kids are dressed.'

They're clean.
She looks terrific.

She's been singing
around the house.

Singing around the house?

Went into the bathroom
yesterday morning.

There's a fresh tube
of shaving cream sitting there.

I'd run out the day before.
I hadn't said anything about it.

Any idea who the guy is?

- What guy?
- The guy.

I didn't say anything
about any guy.

See, I mean, I didn't mean
to, you know, jump..

You know, imply that there was
a guy, understand?

- Yeah, no, I know that.
- I just thought maybe..

I was just passing on some
general information, you know.

I-I wasn't talking
about any guy.

I was just making uh,
some hypothetical statements.

You know what I'm saying?
Well, uh, a conjecture.

Yeah.

You got any idea
who the guy could be?

I think I know who the guy is.

There's this landscape gardener

that works down the block.

- He's got these two big dogs.
- Yeah?

'Anyway, for about 4 months now'

every time I go in the backyard

there's a new plant back there.

Plus the fact that there's crap
all over the yard

and big holes with bones
in it everywhere.

'You know what I'm saying?'

What do you think we, uh..

What do you think we do?

I'm going to catch them
in the act

and I'm going to blow
their Goddamn heads off.

To me, that's, uh..

That's a little drastic,
ain't it?

Yeah, but they're crapping up
my whole lawn.

But I mean, your wife, man..

Don't have any time
to deal with that right now.

I mean I have more important
things to do.

Listen, uh, I want to go
talk to this guy?

No, just don't bug me
about it, okay?

Le-let me talk to the guy.
I'll go talk to him.

No, I can do my own talking.

I can do my own talking.
I don't need your help.

Come on, We'll take
a little break, huh?

We'll check things out.

No, I'll stay with you.

Come on,
I'll give you a ride home.

What about Red Meyers?

What, are you kidding me?

He's got half the muscle
in the world in there.

'Picture Michigan Phil
walking in there?'

He's got enough hardware in
there to start World War III.

- Come on.
- No, I don't wanna go home.

'Come on!'

'Hey, you Goddamn animal.'

Remember that.
Maybe we'll get along.

Come on.

Get outta here!

Get out of here, you bastard!

Talk American, you bitch
American, you spend American.

Talk American.

You come home
for a couple of hours..

Sleeping,
that's all you do these days.

Mow the lawn yourself.

Pendejo!

Get outta here!
I'll kill you!

Desgraciado.

Yelling at the dog.

But why not?
Hit him.

Go ahead, yell at him.
He loves you.

I don't want him to love me.

Anyway, he doesn't love me,
he loves the smell

of TV dinners, lunches.

Hey, come here!
Come here!

See that?

'Get outta here!'

Where are you going?

Parents night at school?
It's 1 0:30.

Yeah, I'm late.

Twenty-seven messages.

Fourteen messages.

Thirty-two messages.

'Hello there, Acme Landscaping'

'is closed for the night.'

'When you hear the tone,
you have 1 0 seconds'

'to leave your message.'

Keep your frigging dogs
off my lawn!

You gonna be home tonight, huh?

No, I gotta go to work.

Oh, you be a good boy, huh?

'Hey, kid, see this?'

Well, look at it!

'We got a tip.'

'This guy's gonna come
in here and order some shoes.'

- Size 1 0 and a half.
- So what?

So what?
We're police officers.

Give him the shoes
and keep your mouth shut.

When he leaves, uh..

'...press that P.A. button
over there and say'

uh, uh..

"'Service on alley 6."
alright?'

Yeah, I got it.

Okay.

If you catch the guy,
do I get a reward?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Yeah, you get your picture
in the paper

so that when his friends
come to thank you

they'll know
what you look like.

Look at these pictures.
These are unbelievable.

- Will you look at this?
- Yeah!

They used to staple
these together.

They don't staple them anymore.

You know, anybody
can come in here, anybody!

And these kids,
they'll take them home

and they sprinkle on them.

Come on, we're not gonna find
Michigan Phil in here.

Let's go.

Fantastic.

You know what's fantastic?

You know,
that the Vice Squad guy

that covers this,
he must make $50 a week.

Do you believe that?
A lousy bowling alley?

'Hey Stan,
come on before they cool off...'

Can you imagine
what a newsstand is worth, huh?

I mean, it's beautiful.

- Are you listening to me?
- Yeah.

'Come on, one more game!'

'Ouch, chocolate's melting.'

God..

No, no, no.
Not those fingers.

These fingers.

Just like anything else

you have to get it
in the right hole.

You see?
Watch her, watch closely.

Are you catching on?

Bean. Bean.

Get outta here.
Playing the game.

What are you
a maniac or something?

Look who's bowling on alley 1 0.

Michigan Phil.
Go to alley 1 6.

I'll sneak up behind.
You divert his attention.

I'll blast him.

What's the matter with you?

There's a hundred
people out there.

What is this,
the gunfight at the OK Corral?

- Just give him a minute.
- For what?

To take a leak.

How do you know
he's gonna take a leak?

What do you got there,
3 uh, 3 beer bottles?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, so?

Well, maybe the girls
drank them!

What's the matter with you?

They're bubble gummers.

Blonde hair, bad teeth,
pale lips.

They're Coke drinkers!

Where do you get all this shit?

Just wait.
Between beer 3 and 4.

You'll see.
Go ahead, play your game.

I'll be back in a minute.

Hope everything
comes out alright.

What's that for?
She's on the pill.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

You be careful, this guy's
a psycho, let me tell you.

- How do you know that?
- Huh?

- How do you know?
- He's got dirty hands.

All psychos got dirty hands.

Where do you get that shit?

The carbos and the pills
made me gain weight.

Ha-ha, oh, the hell with it.

But I'm not using anything
either, now.

- 'It's bowling, you know, so..'
- Yeah, oh, yeah.

- Man, I gotta put this back.
- Here.

Want some gum, huh?

Want a piece of it?

- Got another piece?
- I don't think so.

- Here.
- Thanks.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait.

Here.

- Cold, huh?
- Huh?

Let's go.

Long day, huh?

All right, Phillip.

Come out with your hands up
and your pants down.

You okay?

- What?
- You okay?

Sure, I'm alright.

- What about you, huh?
- Yeah.

So why you got that dumb worried
spic look on your face?

I warned you 'bout that,
you say that again

you're gonna wind up
at County General with an intern

pulling my shoe
out of your head.

Let me rephrase it, okay?

Why do you got that dumb worried

wetback greaser look
on your face

for a Mexican Chicano?

I was just hoping
Motley gets back

before Detroit
sends a backup man.

- What?
- Huh?

- I didn't, uh--
- No.

Detroit's gonna send
somebody to cover

when they hear
that Phil goofed up.

- ls that right?
- 'Yeah.'

Don't know why
I didn't think of that.

'Intelligence,
2-1 . Hey, Freebie.'

'We just got word
on your boy Michigan Phil.'

'Your problems are over,
he was just dusted'

'in the crapper
of the Wilshire Bowl.'

No shit?

Let me talk to Rosen.

- 'Here's Rosen.'
- 'Hey, I just heard.'

'You guys did a good job.'

'Maybe a little messy.'

Critic on killings
all of a sudden.

So listen, could you
send a couple of guys

to cover down at the airport?

We think Detroit's going
to send a backup man.

'Spare some men? You know
what's going on in this town.'

'Four guys just got mugged
while they were trying'

'to rob a liquor store.'

'I'll do the best I can.
1 0-4.'

Where to?

Let's go back to Red Meyers'.

What for?
He's safe in bed.

Listen, let's go
to Motley's apartment

and sit on him for a while.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Where's Motley?

- Not under here. Sorry.
- What are you doing here?

Freshening up so I can get
into something comfortable.

'What are you doing here?'

We're looking
for Motley.

Oh. Well,
I was here first.

You'll just have
to wait your turn.

Uh.

Uh, listen, do me
a favor, will you?

Tell him, uh, Freebie's
looking for him.

I'll tell him, but I doubt
it will be news to him.

Everybody on the street
knows that--

Listen, dear, I have a feeling

he'd be interested in seeing us
unless he wants to go up

the river for the third time.

Why don't you
give him this?

He'll know what it is.

Why, the little cheat.

Be sure to tell him, won't you?

I'll tell him,
but don't be surprised

if he takes
the first plane to China.

He may be crazy,
but he's not stupid.

Well, he is crazy,
and he is stupid

but, uh, it's not him
we're after, see?

We just want to hear him
sing a little.

Tell Motley
he's got immunity, will you?

Red Meyers?

What do you know
about Red Meyers?

I know everything
about Red Meyers.

- I know what time he pees.
- That's charming.

Motley and I were roomies
for 3 years at Atascadero.

You've heard of pillow talk?

He used to tell me
bedtime stories

about the old days
in the big time.

And all that money..
You going to put Red away?

Uh-huh. We're gonna
put him away.

Pity. All that money.

Uh, listen, uh, Bean,
let's get out of here

before this freak starts
drinking the bath water.

Hey, Aren't you gonna give me
the third degree?

Knock me around a little bit,
a little S&M?

I'll yell and scream,
if that's what gets you off.

Let me explain something
to you, fruitcake.

If he hits you, you're not
going to be able to scream.

There'll just be
a big spot on the wall.

Here.

Bubble up.

Uh, we ought to tell him either.

I think we ought to take
that chance, you know?

You think we ought to
take that chance?

Could've sworn I just
said that, didn't I?

Huh?

Hey, isn't that your wife's
car over there?

'Where?'

Back there
i-in that motel, isn't it?

Come on, turn the car around.

Get out of here.
She's a married woman.

What would she do
in a hotel 2:30 in the morning?

Are you kidding?
Come on, turn the car around.

Who do you think
goes to motels? Single women?

Ever see that place at noontime,
in the middle of the week?

52 station wagons
in the driveway.

Single women are working.
It's married women.

- That your car?
- Yeah.

- Come on, let's go.
- Right.

No, let's get out
of here. Let's go--

Wait a minute.
I got an idea.

Look, we, uh, find out
what room they're in, right?

Then, uh,
we kick the door down

we beat the shit
out of the guy, huh?

No, I don't want
that, alright.

Alright, I'll think
of something else.

You got the keys
to that thing?

No. It's her car.
I don't have the keys.

- We hot-wire it.
- Come on.

Let's get out of here!
Get away!

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Come on. This is--

Look, we drive it
to a tow-away zone.

I call a black and white car.
We have them tow it away.

- Terrific, huh?
- No good. Come on.

Come on,
let's get out of here.

Hey, wait a minute.

Look, let's do something,
alright? Huh?

I mean if you got no balls,
let me do something.

I got balls.
You want to see? Come on.

Alright, alright.

Come on.

It's a terrific idea.

Central, central,
request traffic control

to Red Coach Motor Lodge.

1 970 Merc station wagon.
Brown and white.

Uh, license plate FSA-952.

- 'Roger, 2-1 .'
- Thank you. 1 0-4.

That's it, man.
We nailed it.

We swipe the officer's
copy from the DMV file

you got yourself
some evidence, huh?

Come on.

- What are you doing? Come on.
- Huh? Yeah.

- What the hell was that?
- Haven't you heard?

The buses are all on strike.

- Super Bowl.
- Jesus.

They sure know how
to picket, don't they?

What do they want?
New steering wheels?

'Intelligence, 2-1 ,
regarding inquiry.'

'Location
of Dr. Harry Ziegler, D.D.S.'

'1 3, West Temple, 52nd floor.'

Tell Rosen we'll get on it.
We'll be there in five minutes.

Roger, 2-1 .

Old man Meyers
is having his teeth cleaned.

Ought to be
a nice quiet..

...day.

'Jesus Christ!
What's going on in there?'

'Are you alright?'

Goddamn little fruit.

I got a confirmed reservation
I made eight weeks ago.

'Don't tell me
I can't have a room.'

I own stock in this here
cow-plop palace!

'Excuse me. You want to take
it easy, big fella? Huh?'

Hey.

Hold it, hold it.
Hold it, hold it.

Now, look. Next move you make
is gonna be your last.

You got that?
What are you doing?

Hey, I got a gun here.
What's the matter with you?

These things ain't worth shit
unless you're going to use them.

Excuse me.

Oh, God.

Bean?

- Hey, Bean.
- 'You got him.'

- Bean!
- 'You got him.'

Give me a break.
Uh! Bean!

- I'm coming, Freebie!
- 'Alright. Please hurry.'

- I'm coming!
- Oh, God.

Argh!

- Get up!
- Give me the cuffs.

- I got him.
- Get up!

Come on, you big
piece of garbage!

May I have my mitt?

Here's a little
something for you.

- How much did he give you?
- Two dollars.

Not enough.

We can drop him off
at the 1 4th precinct

on the way
to the dentist's office.

- Took two of you to take me.
- Alright.

Snuck up from behind.
Typical chicken shit--

Just sit back and relax!

- Goddamn cities.
- Calm yourself!

- Shit. Come out in the open!
- 'Get in the back there.'

I'd have taken you.
I'd have taken you.

Turn on the radio, will you,
so I don't have to listen

'to that crap,
it's too early in the morning.'

'From last night's
brownout comes a story'

'that makes today seem
a little brighter.'

'The story of a blind man
with a seeing-eye dog'

'who led two children
stuck in an elevator'

'through the darkness to the
safety of their mother's arms.'

Heartline. Another
heartwarming story.

How come all we get
is two spades

stealing a television set
out of salons.

Jesus Christ,
are you a bigot.

All this time,
I thought it was just me.

You're a full Archie Bunker,
aren't you?

So? What else is new?
What's new at home?

Oh, yeah.
I got to tell you.

'She comes home
last night at 2:45'

in the morning,
dressed to the nines.

She looks better than I've seen
her look in 1 5 years.

Hey! Either one
of you two fags

got the guts
to stop the car

and take off
the cuffs once?

I'd love to take a pocketful
of your teeth back to Texas.

Listen, it'd be
really a lot better

if you don't talk any more.

You get my meaning?

So anyway,
where was I? Oh, yeah.

She's wearing
a black jersey dress.

Now, Goddamn it,
if you're messing around

with a guy that's got two
white dogs, you don't wear

a black jersey dress,
you know what I'm saying?

Maybe she was fooling around
with the dogs.

Huh?

I'm only kidding.
It's a bad joke.

Listen, why don't you buy
one of those, uh, vibrators?

Maybe that'll keep her
home at night.

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Those things are
for facial massage.

No, no, no.
You know, the vib--

It says on the box.

Those things
are for facial massage.

Are you stupid?
Are you a dumb Mexican?

'I mean no wonder
she fools around.'

'You gutless wonders!'

'No wonder you're cops.'

'Can't live without your guns.'

Well, I'll bet you both
squat to pee.

I'll bet you both
squat to pee.

Okay, that's it.
Stop the car.

- 'Pull over here, okay?'
- Hmm? Okay. Okay.

Come on.

Get up there.

- Give me the keys.
- Here.

'Hey, listen.
Don't be an asshole, Bean.'

'Put him back in the car.
We got a lot of things to do.'

- Give me the keys.
- I gave them to you.

Oh, yeah.

You gonna do it?

- You really gonna do it?
- Yup.

Hey, you're alright.
I love you, man.

Hey, you got a Polaroid camera
to take a picture of this with?

Now listen, I think
you're gonna let your mouth

overload your ass, he's a big
honker, this fella here.

- Okay, cowboy, let's go.
- Whoo-ee.

I never thought
I'd live to see the day.

You lived to see the day.
May not live to see the night.

'Alright! Alright!'

Nice shot, Bean!

Okay, let's go.

Come on, give me
a hand with him.

What for? You did it.
Come on, get him.

I'm hungry.
Let's get something to eat.

- Hey! hey!
- Come on.

Will he be
much longer?

It'll just be a few more
minutes now, Mr. Broder.

Well, would it be
possible if I could just..

Big baby.

- Ha-ha!
- What are you laughing about?

- I just, I just found out
why I became a cop.
- Why?

It's because when I was a kid,
I always thought

I was gonna get
arrested for something.

I had that feeling
myself.

No, that's different.

With you,
it could still happen.

Can I get something
for you, Mr. Broder?

No, thanks.
I got it.

Nurse, I have
a very important appointment.

Maybe I better change this
a-and come back

when I got more time, huh?

- It'll just be..
- Oh, hi, Sammy.

You can just hang those up
in the doctor's office.

Why don't you
try to sit down and relax

for a few more minutes?

Nurse, if I could just see
that dentist one second

I'd know whether
to wait or come back

if he has to pull it
when I got more time.

Oh, boy,
are you a big baby.

Doctor, do you suppose

you could see Mr. Broder
for just one second?

Well, put that magazine down.
Come on, talk to me. Please?

Okay. Go ahead.

Thank you. I-I'll just be--

If I lose my job, you
got to get me another one.

Hey, I'm sorry, I-I said
you were a lousy lay.

Don't get bugged at me, alright?

You did't say I was one.. When
did you say I was a lousy lay?

I must have said it sometime.
I must have.

Well, that's alright,
'cause I am a lousy lay

for a Mexican.

For a gringo,
I'm terrific.

- Stupid.
- Huh?

- Stupid!
- What?

'Red!'

What are you doing?

Are you crazy?
You're breaking things!

Hey, get the elevator!

Why did you do this
in a doctor's office?

You're not a doctor.
You're a dentist.

'Argh!'

Get back!

- Go that way!
- Go this way!

Come on!

I can't hit
nothing today.

Oh, don't feel too bad.
You hit a nurse.

Central, car 1 3, in pursuit
of white paneled truck

east on Broad Street at 53rd.

Suspect's armed
and dangerous.

Request assistance.
1 0-4.

Don't lose him!

I ain't losing him.
There he is.

Hey. Did you fill up
the gas tank this morning?

Hate to tell you this,
but you took the car.

Look, I don't want to argue,
with you but that, uh

gas tank's on "E",
that don't mean enough

you know that, moron.

Where'd he go?

Where'd he go?

Hey! Come on,
shoot, will you?

There's too many
people over there!

Watch that!

Get it
out of here.

'Stop, stop stop!'

Oh, boy.

- Watch it.
- He outweighs us.

If it's a tie, we lose.

'They're killing each other!'

Hey, t-that's
a one-way street!

Hey! You won't believe this,
but I'm from Allstate.

What are you guys doing,
you're going the wrong way

on a one-way street.

Look what you've caused!

'Help! I'm caught
in my safety belt!'

Get a wrecker.

- Excuse me.
- Hey!

What are you doing
with my bike? Hey! Hey!

Come back here!
Fella, hey, come back!

Watch out!

- Hey, you can't do that!
- Hey, get down off there!

- 'Hey, that's not a shortcut.'
- 'Look what you did to my car!'

Hey! Jesus Christ!

Easy, big fella.

Hey, sucker! You just bought
60 crates of apples!

'Watch it!'

Pardon me! Pardon me!

- Whoa!
- Oh!

Look out!
Out of the way! Out!

Ya-hoo!

Son of a bitch.

Oh.

Hey!

'Look out!
Get out of the way!'

Hey! Hey!

Jesus Christ,
what a mess here.

It's only ketchup.

I think he's still alive.

- Call an ambulance!
- What for?

Get me a large bun
and a doggy bag.

I'll take him with us.
Jesus.

What happened to Broder?
Did you get him?

No. No. I think I got a hole
in him when I wrecked my knee.

There's blood
all over the street.

- Let's go get him.
- Are you kidding me?

I'm not going somewhere
with you looking like that?

You look like the head
of the Pollock police force.

- What a pig. Jesus.
- What? Huh?

Harry, dear. What have you got
there, a little Andy Warhol?

This?

A little piece of the third car

you guys have totaled out
in the last two days.

Hmm.

Now that's not
a state record

but it's the city record.

But you know,
if it happens one more time

and you guys get lucky,
you may get your names

put on a bronze plaque
in front of

- Ford motor plant.
- No shit?

Want to ride around with us
for a few days, Harry?

Protect your interests? We got
a lot of room in the back seat.

No chance. I got tickets
for the game tomorrow.

Well, seems like some of us
are only spectators, huh?

- Yeah.
- Spectators?

Goddamn it, where the hell
do you think I got this?

Hmm. Looks, uh, looks like
a Comanche arrow to me.

Bean, what do you think?
Comanche?

- Oh! Oh, it's terrible!
- What about this one, Harry?

Look, Harry, give a look
at this one here.

Oh, that burns.

Okay, let's go find Meyers
before somebody else finds him.

What makes you think
he's still hanging around?

What do you mean,
you think he left town?

After what you did to him
at the dentist's office

laying on top of him he's gotta
figure that you're

uh, trying to save his life

or you're very much
in love with him.

Type these up,
will you, please?

I think that this is
a good chance

he's gonna hide, you know?

Uh, who do we know
who comes from Texas

that worked for Meyers?

Uh...couple of years..
Jimmy Shine.

- Jimmy Shine.
- Yes, sir.

I do a terrific Texas accent.
I mean really terrific.

Wait till you hear this.

Hold it down,
will you please?

He's trying to make
a phone call!

Uh, 2-1 ?

3-3.

- Hey!
- Hey, get out of here.

Hey, Mr. Meyers, how are you?

It's Jimmy Shine.

Yeah, we, uh, we come up here

for the ball game,
have a good time.

Thought maybe you
and your missus, you know

would like to
have some dinner, here?

'It's very nice
of you to call, Jimmy.'

'Give us a rain check
for now because, uh, the missus'

'and I are going
to Miami tomorrow.'

Miami? What the..
What the hell

you going to Miami for, sir?

'What am I going to..'

'Wait, who the hell is this?'

This is, uh..

It's Humpty Dumpty, you asshole.

I can do it better.

If he goes to Miami,
you know, that's it.

He's not gonna be around
Monday to have the warrant

served on him.

You gotta think
of a way to stop him.

I mean, if he leaves town,
this is it.

Yeah. Okay.

First thing..

Let's figure out
a way to stop him.

- Didn't I just say that?
- Huh?

Gary Muncie.
Gary Muncie, that's it.

He owes me one.
you know, for 50 bucks

I'll have him break
the old man's leg.

- Now how is that?
- ...on a broken leg.

What is that,
break his leg?

Alright, I'm reaching,
I'm reaching.

I mean, I'm desperate.
We break his jaw.

No. I don't want
to break anything on him.

We're not meat packers.
We're law-enforcement officers.

- You don't want to hurt him.
- 'Forget that.'

- We beat up his wife.
- No violence!

No violence! Lt always
gets to violence with you.

He ain't gonna take no
black-and-blue wife out of town.

Could you picture this chick
checking in to the Americana?

- Black and blue?
- Stop it, you're makin'--

The black-and-blue wife,
he ain't going nowhere.

Leave me alone.

- Now, give me the ticket.
- What ticket? Oh.

Listen, uh, want me to go in
with you, you know?

- Good guy, bad guy routine?
- No. Just give me the ticket.

Alright.

- Oh, hey, uh, listen..
- Huh?

Dear, uh, if you need me

uh, you know where I'll be
over at Red's, alright?

- Yeah, right.
- Ta-ta.

Okay.

Everybody out!

Wife-swappers back
to your own beds!

What are you
doing here, huh?

- Daddy!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!

What are you doing in the house?
Get the hell out of here!

Here's $1 0.
Go to the movies.

- Get outta here.
- We've seen it already!

Out! See it again.

Alright, get the hell
out of here!

Out, out! Everybody out!
You, too.

What the hell are you laughing
about? Get out of here!

What's going on?
Where are the kids going?

- They're going to the movies.
- Ah, that's crazy.

- What's the matter with you?
- Get in here. Sit down.

What is the matter
with you? Huh?

Okay. Let's get
right to the point.

- What point?
- Where were you last night?

I told you. I went
to the school meeting.

- The school meeting?
- Yeah. I went, yeah.

Since when do they have
the school meeting in a motel?

They have the school meeting

i-in the school auditorium
like always.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Sit down!

You sure you don't want
to change your story?

Okay,
they had the school meeting

in the zoo in the zebra's cage.

Then what were you doing
at the Red Coach

Motor Lodge last night, lady?

I was at the school meeting

in the auditorium last night.

Your car was at
the Red Coach Motor Lodge!

So what? I lent
my car to Louise.

- You lent your car to Louise?
- I lent it to Louise.

- You lent your car to Louise?
- Upstairs. Louise. Yes.

Okay. Sit right there.
Don't move.

I won't move.

Louise!

- Louise!
- 'What?'

Did Consuela lend you
her car last night?

'Let me talk to her.'

Never mind her!
I'm doing the talking here.

Did Consuela lend you
her car last night?

Louise, go ahead and
tell him the truth.

Don't lie.
Just tell the truth.

Did Consuela lend you
her car last night?

'Okay! I borrowed
the station wagon last night!'

Where did you go?

'To the Red Coach Motor Lodge.'

- Who were you with?
- None of your Goddamn business!

- Can I get up now?
- Sit right there.

'I'm not moving...Copper.'

Sergeant Bean,
intelligence 2-1 , please.

'Yeah?'

Freebie?
She's coming up with answers.

She's got answers
for everything.

I don't know
what the hell to do.

Hit her with the phone bill.

In the month of December,
there's 345 message units

to Acme Landscape Gardening.

Now, if you want
to be alive in the morning

you start coming up
with some answers.

l-l know what that is but l-l
don't want to tell you about it

because it will ruin
the surprise.

Go ahead.
Ruin the surprise.

R-Really, I want the surprise--

- Now. Ruin the surprise.
- Okay.

- I can answer this very easily.
- Go ahead.

You know all that dirt
in the backyard?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm getting
a lawn put on there

and there's gonna be
four lemon trees

lined up on this side
of the house.

We're gonna have
a chain-link fence

going all the way
around the back

with rose bushes
all along in front

so that yard won't look
like a pigpen no more.

And who's gonna pay for this?

Where's the money
gonna come from?

Did you come
into an inheritance

or been stealing
from the grocery money or what?

'That's a $1 ,000 worth
of stuff you're talking about.'

Will you let me
tell you, that's what

all these calls to Acme are.

I've been spending hours
on the phone

talking the guy into it.

He's the neighbor.

The guy with the two white dogs.

I talked him into giving us
a great bargain.

Three hundred dollars.

We're getting it at cost.

We make, you know,
payments of $1 0 a month.

- You want to see the plans?
- I don't want to see the plans.

- 'Oh, come on. See the plans.'
- I don't want to see them.

- I don't want to see the plans.
- Sure. I'll show them to you.

I don't want to see the plans!

I don't want to see
the Goddamn plans.

How many times do I have to tell
you? Sit down for Christ sake!

Okay. Alright, alright.

- Yeah.
- Again, really?

When you left
the house last night

I went into the bathroom,
and I looked in the closet

and your thing was gone.

- What thing?
- Your thing!

What thing..
I don't know--

You know what
I'm talking about.

No, I really don't.
What thing are you--

'Your thing was gone
from the closet!'

- In the bathroom.
- In the bathroom closet!

- What thing is that? Now what--
- The thing! The thing!

- What thing? Tell me what--
- The Goddamn thing!

I keep a lot of things in there.
My makeup, my lash curler--

You know what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

You know exactly
what I'm talking about!

Your thing was gone!

You have to tell me
what thing..

The bolsa de agua.

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!

Laugh your way out
of that one, baby. Ha-ha!

- My douche bag?
- Yeah.

I don't believe it.

Come on, chickadee, I'm gonna show
you where this douche bag..

The thing, is. There.
If you were home, you'd see it.

Now, two holes, three holes,
I could still use it

but four holes,
it was too late.

More went out than in.

So I had to retire it after
nine years of faithful service.

I figure maybe
if I'm lucky

you'll buy me a new
thing for Christmas, huh?

Aqui. The thing.

What now?

Watch it, eh?

Yesterday morning
you went to the market.

That's right.

And this run, right here..

...was on the left leg.

Two hours!

You were gone two hours

and when you came back
with a bottle of cream--

It was very crowded,
the store. Yeah.

Yeah. Two hours
for a bottle of cream.

- Lt was crowded, I tell you.
- I hear you.

This run was no longer
on the left leg

but had somehow magically
moved over to the right leg.

Now what happened? You fell down
and your legs got tangled up?

No. No. I, uh, went
to the ladies room.

That's all. Okay?

You don't take them all the way
off in the ladies room.

How do you know?
How would you know that?

Have you ever seen a lady
do it in the ladies room?

What, that creep, Freebie
has you peeking

in ladies rooms that women
go into the bathroom?

- Nobody takes them off.
- That's disgusting.

What is it that you and Freebie
are doing all the time anyway?

No, now I know why you haven't
touched me in two months.

You're busy with weirdness
in ladies rooms.

Don't give me that crap!

Nobody takes them
all the way off..

Okay. I grant you that.

You want to hear
why exactly I took them off?

I would love that if you told me
why you took them off already.

Alright, fine.
It's a long story.

I want to hear it.

I was looking for the bottle
of cream, you know.

So I was crouching down on a low
shelf looking for my brand

and this kid
threw up on me.

- Hmm.
- Down my shins, you know.

And the mother was very
embarrassed and apologetic

and she tried to wipe
with tissue

so finally the three of us
went to the ladies room

at which point,
I took off my pantyhose

rinsed them out
in the basin

let them dry

and then I put them
back on again

apparently backwards,
so the run moved.

What did you put
them back on for?

- Are you kidding?
- No.

You think I would run around
without panties on?

What kind of man are you?

I'm shocked that
you even asked me that.

Freebie would ask me that,
that lowlife, but not my husband.

I'm really shocked.

Of course I put
the pantyhose back on.

You're not so dumb,
are you?

No...I'm not dumb.

I gotta be smart..

...'cause I'm married
to this smart cop.

I cannot afford
to be dumb.

Are you telling me
the truth?

No. Of course not.
It's all lies.

Okay?

You're not so dumb,
are you?

How are the puppies, Mr. Meyers?

'...and a first down
at our 45-yard line.'

'And even with five minutes left
in this first quarter'

'the stands are not
quite filled.'

'The massive crowd that's
trying to reach the stadium'

'has brought traffic to
a veritable standstill outside.'

Hey, meatball!

What are you doing,
stealing the car?

What are all them
slobs yelling at?

Ah, I don't know,
Mr. Meyers.

Ain't no score yet.

Got the ball on the 38.

Oh, yeah? Whose 38?

Uh...I-I don't know.

I promised your brother
I'd take care of you

so will you stop
playing pocket pool

keep your hands on the wheel
and drive slow!

Or is that
too much to ask?

'...a hand-off,
and, oh, what a pileup'

'right at the line
of scrimmage, no gain.'

'Second and goal
for the Texans..'

Hey, Mr. Meyers,
the dog, uh, poop yet?

'Suppose, uh, suppose
we grab the kids, see?'

'Stick them in a hotel.
We don't, we don't hurt them.'

'You sit with them.
You get them room service.'

You know what that is?
kidnapping.

I mean, at least,
I-I'm getting better.

- 'It's nonviolent.'
- 'You're a Goddamn nut case.'

You call me names while my
future's going in the toilet.

- Hey. Come on.
- Huh?

'My God,
it's so peaceful today'

'like London in the parks.'

He scored on a broad,
the dirty old bastard.

Watch yourself.

He's gonna need two guys
to help him on and off.

'...fourth and three
and looks to the sidelines'

'and here comes
the field goal unit.'

I got a good life.

A beautiful wife.

I got to fuck around
with some hustler

in the park and look
what it gets me.

Oh, now shut your mouth
and listen to me, Mr. Meyers.

All I want is $200,000 in cash,
and I want it now.

$200,000? What the hell do you
think I am, American Airlines?

What, are you
hijacking a Mercedes?

Where am I gonna get
$200,000 on a Sunday?

From your weekly
collections, Mr. Meyers.

Now please don't be silly
and play games

'cause I don't care
if I kill you or not.

Boss. We scored a field goal.
We're three to nothing.

Would you shut up and drive!

Now, in a few minutes,
you're gonna meet

a couple of your friends
in a blue Torino

and one of them is going
to hand you a suitcase

and I'll settle
for whatever's in it.

You see, I know
a lot about you.

Move it!
Move it, will you?

What's the matter
with you?

Look, lady, everything
is changed this week.

There's no meeting, there's no
blue Torino and no guys

and there's no suitcase
because this week

there's been a lot
of extra heat.

Ah, give me a break.

Now, listen, old man,
you tell your boy up there

to drive us to your office
because if there's no collection

that means the money's
already in the wall safe

waiting for the bank
to open on Monday.

- Wall safe?
- Behind the Chagall.

Relax, you'll get to the game.

'What's the game about!'

'Come on, get in the car,
will you?'

'You in the blue Chevy,
any score?'

'Hey, come on,
move it, asshole!'

An apple a day, huh?

'Hey.'

'She just smiled at me.'

What?

She just smiled at me.

- That broad over there?
- Yeah.

So what? She's a hooker.

What do you mean
she's a hooker?

- She eatin' a piece of fruit?
- Yeah.

Well, hookers are very big
on fruit. You know that?

Where do you get
all that shit?

She's sitting there.
She's in there with three kids.

So what? What do you mean,
hookers can't have kids?

Huh? Where do you think
they come from?

You think you hit a pi�ata
with a stick

and they fall out
or something?

Take me to the stadium.

Take the lady
to the stadium.

Stadium? Yeah.

What's the matter don't you
want to miss the ball game?

Oh, it's not
the ball game, darling.

I just love the crowd.

'It's intercepted!'

'A great block at the 45.
He heads to the far sideline.'

'At the 25, 20, 1 0, 5--'

'Okay, boys, this is Rosen.'

'We just picked up
Motley at the airport.'

'You got your warrant.
Go get your man.'

'Alright, here comes Sayed
in to try the extra point.'

'Harris will hold.'

'Hey, how about a ride?'

'He's a loser!'

What did you do?
What's going on here?!

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

That's why we canceled
the pickup.

- 'Don't be stupid!'
- Hey!

Open the door!
Come on!

The cops have been
following me for a week!

Okay, buster--

'My God! She's got a gun!'

No siento Nada.

Esta bien.

No Te muevas, amigo.

You don't drive good.

'There is a flag
on the play.'

I'll kill him.

Get an ambulance.

Hey!

Hey, jerk-off,
that's my wife you--

Don't bother me.

Lady in a print dress..

You had to come here
to have a fight?

- Please, lady!
- She nearly knocked me down.

- Where? Where? Where?
- She went in there.

Hey, you can't go in there.

Lady, I spend
half my life in toilets.

Probably die in one.

Lady in the print dress.
Come on out with your hands up.

'Come on in
and get me, asshole.'

'And I ain't no lady.'

Bubble bath.

Look, there's
only one door.

Sooner or later, you gotta come
through it. Make it now.

'What's the matter, honey?
You afraid of the ladies room?'

Argh!

Alright, Freebie.

Be a good boy and drop
the gun in there..

...in the basket.

Go on, 'cause I'm not even
gonna count to 1 0.

You, outside.

'Harris shaken up
on the play.'

'Freebie!'

You look terrible,
sergeant.

- Who the hell is she?
- No. A faggot.

How's, uh.. How's Bean?

He's, uh..
I don't know.

- The ambulance is coming, but--
- Where's Meyers?

I sent him up
to the press box

with a couple of guys
to guard him.

Freebie, forget it.

They got Motley
on the way in from the airport.

- He's dead.
- Who got him?

They didn't leave their names.

I could ask Red. I don't think
he's gonna tell us.

Well, what now?

You really don't understand
the law, do you, sergeant?

I told you, they got Motley.
No witness, no case.

- The warrant's canceled.
- It's canceled? Really?

Well, I'm gonna uncancel it.

Go and eat your nuts,
you Goddamn moron.

Listen, I'm going up, and I'm
getting Meyers. You hear this?

I'm gonna bring him to the
station, if there ain't a cell

door open, I'm gonna tear

the front of the fuckin'
building off.

That son of a bitch is guilty.
I know he's guilty.

And you know he's guilty.

If you can't prove
that to a Goddamn court of law

then you're a fuckin' moron that
shouldn't have the Goddamn job--

Quiet, will you?

My partner's laying
bleeding out there

and that asshole's worried
about his conviction record.

- Your ass has had it this time.
- Alright, alright! Let him go.

- Go on and pick up Meyers.
- Damn it, you know--

Let Freebie pick him up.

Okay, son. Just don't get
so excited, huh?

Yeah, pick him up.

How can you be
a mouthpiece and an asshole

at the same time?

Hey, now, hold it. What?

His heart went, man.
Couldn't stand the strain.

'...an apparent touchdown'

'but there's a flag
on the play.'

I'm sorry he's dead.

I bet you are.

I am. I'm sorry.

Yeah.

What a lot of crap.

Not for you, for me.

I was gonna pick him up.

We had him cold.

You? You had Red Meyers cold?

If you lived
another 200 years

you wouldn't be smart enough
to have Red Meyers cold

you dumb-ass jerk.

Forty years running
the numbers game

and there's no-class,
dumb, Hick cop

thinks he's smarter
than Red Meyers.

Go back to your garbage cans.

You'd still be there
looking if not for me.

Well, who do you think stuffed
that stuff in the garbage

you putz?

'Five yards
for defensive holding'

'and it's first and goal.'

Three to five.

Three to five!

You call that
three to five?

That's forever!

Mildred, I, I love you.
Please, who could know?

You promised me!

'Three to five
with time off!'

Mildred..

Mildred, I, I wish..

I wish it could have been me
instead of him!

I wish it was!

Mildred!

Who could know
about his heart?

'James Roberts for the TD!'

Everything okay, Lieutenant?

You tell her to put
the paper in the garbage?

Why?

You know, uh..

You're a son of a bitch.

I was gonna marry her.

Why is everybody mad at me?

I didn't want him
to get hurt. I promised her.

But make her understand that,
you know what I mean?

You don't know what I mean.

I don't know what I mean.

'That makes it 1 7-nothing.'

- Which one's this?
- This is the cop.

You okay?

I'm hungry.

Huh? What?

I've got to have a taco.

I've got to have a taco.

- ls this your idea of a joke?
- What?

- This is..
- What are you saying?

Is that your idea of a joke?

- What are you talking about?
- You brainless son of a bitch.

You almost got me killed
back there! You know that?

- What?
- Look at my face.

Look at my arm!
Look what you did to me.

I didn't do nothing!
I wasn't even there!

You're never there
when I need you son of a bitch!

- Don't talk to me like that!
- You're an asshole!

'I can't steer!'

Ah, watch my arm, will you?

Oh! Are you trying
to kill me?

You Mexican asshole!

- I almost lost my arm!
- Can't take a joke!