All language subtitles for Curb Your Enthusiasm S09E02 The.Pickle Gambit

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English Download
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew Download
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese Download
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:29,194 --> 00:00:30,653 Larry, it's Leon! 2 00:00:37,486 --> 00:00:38,778 The fuck? 3 00:00:40,653 --> 00:00:43,401 What's going on, man? 4 00:00:43,402 --> 00:00:45,902 It's fucking crazy in this fucking room. 5 00:00:45,903 --> 00:00:48,735 What are these motherfucking shades, man? 6 00:00:48,736 --> 00:00:50,943 Oh, my God. 7 00:00:50,944 --> 00:00:53,109 You need sunlight, man. You turning white. 8 00:00:53,110 --> 00:00:56,693 - The fuck is going on? - What are you doing? 9 00:00:56,694 --> 00:00:58,943 What? I'm in a hotel. 10 00:00:58,944 --> 00:01:00,485 You think you're safe in a hotel? 11 00:01:00,486 --> 00:01:01,818 I think I'm safer here than in my house. 12 00:01:01,819 --> 00:01:02,943 The bottom line is this, Larry... 13 00:01:02,944 --> 00:01:04,568 you can't fucking hide here. 14 00:01:04,569 --> 00:01:06,652 These motherfuckers want you, they're gonna come and get you. 15 00:01:06,653 --> 00:01:08,652 Cut your fucking hands off, cut your feet off, 16 00:01:08,653 --> 00:01:09,860 put your feet in your back pockets, 17 00:01:09,861 --> 00:01:11,151 put your hands in your front pockets, 18 00:01:11,152 --> 00:01:12,443 and then carry your ass out of here 19 00:01:12,444 --> 00:01:13,610 like a piecem of fucking luggage. 20 00:01:13,611 --> 00:01:14,984 How are you helping? 21 00:01:14,985 --> 00:01:16,360 I'm just letting him know what happens. 22 00:01:16,361 --> 00:01:17,652 You don't need this shit. 23 00:01:17,653 --> 00:01:19,026 You go to your house. No one's coming. 24 00:01:19,027 --> 00:01:21,818 I talked to the FBI guy. He's not gonna lie. 25 00:01:21,819 --> 00:01:23,151 No one is coming. 26 00:01:23,152 --> 00:01:25,860 But I can't go back to the house. 27 00:01:25,861 --> 00:01:28,318 I gotta move or sell the house or something. 28 00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:30,610 No, no, no, no. You can't fucking sell the house. 29 00:01:30,611 --> 00:01:32,234 All of my ladies know I live there already. 30 00:01:32,235 --> 00:01:33,860 You're gonna set me back two or three years. 31 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,984 No, fucking stay there. You fucking stay. 32 00:01:35,985 --> 00:01:40,652 Get back to your life. Get back on the horse now! 33 00:01:40,653 --> 00:01:42,694 - Okay, give me two minutes. - Yeah. 34 00:01:43,985 --> 00:01:45,653 - Proud of ya. - My man. 35 00:02:10,069 --> 00:02:11,735 Ah. 36 00:02:11,736 --> 00:02:14,026 I was there first. I should've got that. 37 00:02:14,027 --> 00:02:16,860 I was too busy looking in the mirror 'cause I'm so vain. 38 00:02:16,861 --> 00:02:18,860 It's no big deal. I got it. 39 00:02:18,861 --> 00:02:20,360 Thank you, thank you. 40 00:02:20,361 --> 00:02:22,443 Well, look at you. 41 00:02:22,444 --> 00:02:24,526 Look at me. 42 00:02:24,527 --> 00:02:25,903 May I ask you a question? 43 00:02:27,069 --> 00:02:29,943 - Sure. - Why this outfit? 44 00:02:29,944 --> 00:02:32,777 It seems that women in your profession, 45 00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:34,902 they... they dress like this for some reason. 46 00:02:34,903 --> 00:02:37,777 Why not look wholesome? Why double down on the seediness? 47 00:02:37,778 --> 00:02:39,735 I think I look really good. 48 00:02:39,736 --> 00:02:41,401 - Mm. Mm. - No? 49 00:02:41,402 --> 00:02:43,401 Mm, I mean, look at dentists. 50 00:02:43,402 --> 00:02:45,652 They don't walk around with their smocks on 51 00:02:45,653 --> 00:02:47,735 when they're not in... when they're not in their office. 52 00:02:47,736 --> 00:02:49,576 This is a hooker smock is what you got on. 53 00:02:49,577 --> 00:02:50,777 I'm a hooker. 54 00:02:50,778 --> 00:02:53,068 I know, but you don't have to show everybody. 55 00:02:53,069 --> 00:02:55,610 - I don't? - No! People like a mystery. 56 00:02:55,611 --> 00:03:00,109 Imagine putting on a beautiful dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, you know? 57 00:03:00,110 --> 00:03:03,068 All right, well, first of all, I'm... I'm not able to afford 58 00:03:03,069 --> 00:03:06,193 a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, so that's not gonna happen. 59 00:03:06,194 --> 00:03:08,068 You're not able to afford it now, 60 00:03:08,069 --> 00:03:12,276 but get one dress and I guarantee you in six months, 61 00:03:12,277 --> 00:03:16,777 your closet will be packed with dresses like that. 62 00:03:16,778 --> 00:03:18,318 Really? 63 00:03:18,319 --> 00:03:20,193 Absolutely. 64 00:03:20,194 --> 00:03:22,526 Okay, so I'm gonna put the tits away. 65 00:03:22,527 --> 00:03:23,984 Yeah, put... put the tits away. 66 00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:25,234 - Animal prints gone. - Yeah. 67 00:03:25,235 --> 00:03:27,109 - No more hooker boots. - None. Zero. 68 00:03:27,110 --> 00:03:29,276 - Fishnets, out of here. - Out. 69 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:32,026 - I think I could do this. - I think business is gonna boom. 70 00:03:32,027 --> 00:03:34,026 - I really do. - Thank you so much. 71 00:03:34,027 --> 00:03:36,109 - Oh, well... - Oh. 72 00:03:36,110 --> 00:03:39,693 I... I'm so thrilled about this whole thing. Good luck! 73 00:03:39,694 --> 00:03:41,443 Good luck! You can do it! 74 00:03:41,444 --> 00:03:43,526 - Hi. - Hi. 75 00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,568 I'm checking out a lot earlier than I had anticipated. 76 00:03:46,569 --> 00:03:48,984 - Oh, we hate to see you go. - Okay, 1003. 77 00:03:48,985 --> 00:03:51,777 1003. And what is the name on 1003? 78 00:03:51,778 --> 00:03:53,611 Buck Dancer. 79 00:03:55,486 --> 00:03:58,401 Uh, okay, Mr. Dancer, let me just bring that up. 80 00:03:58,402 --> 00:03:59,902 I hope you enjoyed your stay. 81 00:03:59,903 --> 00:04:01,902 Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine. It was fine. 82 00:04:01,903 --> 00:04:03,568 Okay, well, be sure to visit our website. 83 00:04:03,569 --> 00:04:05,818 You can always give us some feedback. We love notes. 84 00:04:05,819 --> 00:04:07,485 - Don't tuck in. - The sheets? 85 00:04:07,486 --> 00:04:09,026 - Don't tuck in? - Yeah, don't... don't tuck in. 86 00:04:09,027 --> 00:04:10,860 - Too tight for you? - Who sleeps like that? 87 00:04:10,861 --> 00:04:12,485 It's suffocating. 88 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,610 - You're right. - It's absolutely suffocating. 89 00:04:14,611 --> 00:04:16,902 Don't tuck. I will take that note on advisement. 90 00:04:16,903 --> 00:04:19,276 Those cookies, those are for guests? 91 00:04:19,277 --> 00:04:21,193 Oh, absolutely, yes. We have a wonderful pastry chef. 92 00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:22,777 - Let me know if you need a box. - Thank you. 93 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:41,151 Ah, I see you went for the big ones, Mr. Dancer, right? 94 00:04:41,152 --> 00:04:43,192 Yes, yes, I got the first. 95 00:04:43,193 --> 00:04:45,193 Oh, good, good for you. They're delicious. 96 00:04:45,194 --> 00:04:46,902 Uh, just, if I may, 97 00:04:46,903 --> 00:04:50,693 we ask that people use the tongs when selecting their cookies. 98 00:04:50,694 --> 00:04:53,234 Tongs? Yes, yes, I saw the tongs there. 99 00:04:53,235 --> 00:04:55,735 I eschewed the tongs deliberately 100 00:04:55,736 --> 00:04:58,818 because the tongs are not made for picking up cookies. 101 00:04:58,819 --> 00:05:00,735 They... they crumble the cookie. 102 00:05:00,736 --> 00:05:02,526 It's not a good system, the tong. 103 00:05:02,527 --> 00:05:05,318 Uh, we just ask, you know, that you use the tongs, 104 00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:06,777 which we sort of provide there on the plate, 105 00:05:06,778 --> 00:05:08,318 you know, just for sanitary reasons. 106 00:05:08,319 --> 00:05:09,860 Here, look, I'll tell you what I'll do. 107 00:05:09,861 --> 00:05:11,860 I'll take my second cookie with the tongs... 108 00:05:11,861 --> 00:05:13,693 - Thank you. - ...all right? 109 00:05:13,694 --> 00:05:15,736 Perfect. Great. 110 00:05:17,694 --> 00:05:19,568 Seem to be making a moment of it, 111 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,234 - but I'll let you have it. - I wasn't making a moment. 112 00:05:21,235 --> 00:05:22,902 It's just it's hard to hold it. 113 00:05:22,903 --> 00:05:25,234 Let me ask you this question... 114 00:05:25,235 --> 00:05:26,568 who put you in charge of the cookies? 115 00:05:26,569 --> 00:05:27,693 Do you oversee the cookies? 116 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:29,193 I was given explicit instructions 117 00:05:29,194 --> 00:05:31,610 to look over the lobby, which is my jurisdiction. 118 00:05:31,611 --> 00:05:33,526 So, yes, I oversee the cookies. 119 00:05:33,527 --> 00:05:37,068 Okay, I... I don't think this is within your jurisdiction. 120 00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:38,777 Well, uh, Mr. Dancer, 121 00:05:38,778 --> 00:05:42,026 I have enjoyed spending so much time with you, 122 00:05:42,027 --> 00:05:44,276 and thank you for all your wonderful notes, 123 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:47,193 and, uh, we hope to see you again. 124 00:05:47,194 --> 00:05:49,568 You say the pastry chef made these? 125 00:05:49,569 --> 00:05:51,568 Oh, yes. They're wonderful. 126 00:05:51,569 --> 00:05:53,401 I got news for you, pal. 127 00:05:53,402 --> 00:05:54,984 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 128 00:05:54,985 --> 00:05:56,443 - Okay? - I... 129 00:05:56,444 --> 00:05:57,984 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie, that's it. 130 00:05:57,985 --> 00:05:59,109 Well, I will go to that pastry chef 131 00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:00,360 and I will confront him about it. 132 00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,693 Don't tell people these are 133 00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:02,943 home-made cookies by a pastry chef. 134 00:06:02,944 --> 00:06:05,151 - Okay, no, I... - Okay. 135 00:06:05,152 --> 00:06:07,193 - I wouldn't and I didn't. - This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 136 00:06:07,194 --> 00:06:08,943 I don't believe those are Pepperidge Farm cookies. 137 00:06:08,944 --> 00:06:10,109 This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie. 138 00:06:10,110 --> 00:06:11,318 All right, Mr. Dancer, well, 139 00:06:11,319 --> 00:06:13,318 I will take that into account... 140 00:06:13,319 --> 00:06:15,410 I'm a little disappointed. I could buy this in the grocery store 141 00:06:15,411 --> 00:06:17,010 on my way home, so. 142 00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:17,567 Okay. 143 00:06:17,568 --> 00:06:19,568 But anyway, you're putting out Pepperidge Farm. 144 00:06:19,569 --> 00:06:21,485 - Fine, great, okay. - Okay, great. Thank you so much. 145 00:06:21,486 --> 00:06:26,235 Linda, can we get these cookies out of the way that he touched? 146 00:06:30,194 --> 00:06:32,443 I don't want you to use these doors anymore. You got that? 147 00:06:32,444 --> 00:06:35,110 - They call this shit "overreacting." - Is the alarm working? 148 00:06:36,444 --> 00:06:38,443 You should worry about that goddamn fireplace. 149 00:06:38,444 --> 00:06:40,276 You're gonna fuck around and forget, 150 00:06:40,277 --> 00:06:43,276 and Fatwa Claus gonna come down that fucking chimney and kill your ass. 151 00:06:43,277 --> 00:06:44,902 What is this shit? What are you eating? 152 00:06:44,903 --> 00:06:46,902 - Beef sticks. - Beef stick? 153 00:06:46,903 --> 00:06:48,276 You know how bad that is for you? 154 00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:49,652 Have you ever read the ingredients? 155 00:06:49,653 --> 00:06:51,443 Have you ever tried one of these motherfuckers? 156 00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:52,984 - They're fucking delicious. - They're disgusting. 157 00:06:52,985 --> 00:06:54,485 Look, beef, of course, 158 00:06:54,486 --> 00:06:57,276 molasses, wheat, brown sugar. 159 00:06:57,277 --> 00:06:59,318 Brown fucking sugar. I love fucking brown sugar. 160 00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:02,610 You think black people prefer brown sugar over white sugar? 161 00:07:02,611 --> 00:07:05,652 Absolutely. Anything brown over fucking white. 162 00:07:05,653 --> 00:07:07,526 - Pants? - Of fucking course. 163 00:07:08,778 --> 00:07:10,860 Fuck. Okay, get the door. 164 00:07:10,861 --> 00:07:14,068 - Give me this thing. - Don't you... don't you bitch up. 165 00:07:14,069 --> 00:07:16,318 Ask who it is. Don't forget. 166 00:07:16,319 --> 00:07:18,611 I'll answer the door. 167 00:07:21,069 --> 00:07:22,984 - Funkhouser. - Oh. 168 00:07:22,985 --> 00:07:25,193 - Hi. Kenny. - What's up, Kenny? 169 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:26,693 - Hi, Leon. How you doing? - Hey, man. 170 00:07:26,694 --> 00:07:28,360 Hey, Funk-man. 171 00:07:28,361 --> 00:07:30,443 LD, come down here. 172 00:07:30,444 --> 00:07:33,026 - To what do I owe the honor? - My nephew, Kenny. 173 00:07:33,027 --> 00:07:35,026 - Kenny, hi. Larry. Hi. - Pleasure to meet you. 174 00:07:35,027 --> 00:07:37,260 The jewel of the Funkhouser family tree. 175 00:07:37,261 --> 00:07:38,360 Is that so? 176 00:07:38,361 --> 00:07:40,652 - That is so. - Huh, how about that. 177 00:07:40,653 --> 00:07:43,401 - Straight-A student, okay? - Mm. 178 00:07:43,402 --> 00:07:45,610 Member of six clubs in high school... 179 00:07:45,611 --> 00:07:46,943 runs them all. 180 00:07:46,944 --> 00:07:51,026 He was just voted high school All-American pitcher. 181 00:07:51,027 --> 00:07:52,360 - All right. - One-of-a-kind. 182 00:07:52,361 --> 00:07:54,068 - Okay. Yeah. - Now, wait a minute! 183 00:07:54,069 --> 00:07:56,526 If he nails his SATs, which he will... 184 00:07:56,527 --> 00:07:57,584 Mm-hmm. 185 00:07:57,585 --> 00:07:59,984 ...he's going to Stanford on a full scholarship. 186 00:07:59,985 --> 00:08:03,318 I don't wanna be a hater, but can't nobody do all that shit in one day. 187 00:08:03,319 --> 00:08:05,860 Well, I mean, I just work hard and... 188 00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:08,860 I'm saying you're making it feel like this motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something. 189 00:08:08,861 --> 00:08:11,693 - You ever see that movie? - Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump." 190 00:08:11,694 --> 00:08:13,318 That motherfucker lived a life. 191 00:08:13,319 --> 00:08:15,860 I mean, I'm not... I'm not running across the country. 192 00:08:15,861 --> 00:08:18,360 - You ever see a titty? - What's the matter with you? 193 00:08:18,361 --> 00:08:19,735 What kind of a question is that? 194 00:08:19,736 --> 00:08:22,526 Anyway, so, uh, thanks for stopping by. 195 00:08:22,527 --> 00:08:24,234 - Nice to meet you. - Thank you. 196 00:08:24,235 --> 00:08:27,026 We... we were just about to eat, so I'll see you, uh... 197 00:08:27,027 --> 00:08:29,401 - I'd love a sandwich. - Me, too. 198 00:08:29,402 --> 00:08:31,360 - I'm starved. - I don't wanna impose, though. 199 00:08:31,361 --> 00:08:33,777 We got a lot of meats, man. All kind of shits in that fridge. 200 00:08:33,778 --> 00:08:35,026 - Let's do it. - Yeah! 201 00:08:35,027 --> 00:08:36,485 - Come on. - Oh, thank you. 202 00:08:36,486 --> 00:08:38,652 You like bologna and shit? 203 00:08:38,653 --> 00:08:40,401 - Are you fucking kidding me? - You couldn't... 204 00:08:40,402 --> 00:08:42,234 - let me tell you something. - This kid's a pitcher? 205 00:08:42,235 --> 00:08:43,443 Let's get off that. 206 00:08:43,444 --> 00:08:44,902 Looks like he can't lift a chess piece. 207 00:08:44,903 --> 00:08:46,693 Yeah, you'd have a good time hitting him. 208 00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,276 Here, try that mustard. It's dope. 209 00:08:49,277 --> 00:08:51,193 Larry has all kind of goodies in here. 210 00:08:51,194 --> 00:08:53,485 All kind of cheeses and meats. 211 00:08:53,486 --> 00:08:55,443 - What are you making? - Sandwiches, baby. 212 00:08:55,444 --> 00:08:58,610 - Who wants a pickle? - Pickles! I want pickles. 213 00:08:58,611 --> 00:09:00,263 You can't have a sandwich without pickles, right? 214 00:09:00,264 --> 00:09:00,923 No! 215 00:09:02,402 --> 00:09:04,193 - Tap it, tap it. - Yeah. 216 00:09:04,194 --> 00:09:06,360 Do you need any help? I got it, I got it. 217 00:09:06,361 --> 00:09:08,777 Everybody's gotta be the hero with a pickle jar. 218 00:09:08,778 --> 00:09:10,276 Everybody wants to open it. 219 00:09:10,277 --> 00:09:12,610 You just gotta hit it up. 220 00:09:12,611 --> 00:09:15,984 - Here, give it to the big Funk. - No, little Funk's got it, okay? 221 00:09:15,985 --> 00:09:17,902 - Come on, let me take a shot at it. - No. 222 00:09:17,903 --> 00:09:19,443 - What are you doing, Kenny? - No, I got it! 223 00:09:19,444 --> 00:09:21,443 - Kenny, give me the jar! - I got it. Ooh! Oh! 224 00:09:21,444 --> 00:09:23,276 - Shit. - What happened? 225 00:09:23,277 --> 00:09:25,318 - I think I heard it crack. - Your pitching arm? 226 00:09:25,319 --> 00:09:26,984 - Yeah, that's my pitching arm. - Oh, my God. 227 00:09:26,985 --> 00:09:29,068 We gotta go to the hospital. 228 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:31,360 - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! - Oh, shut up. 229 00:09:31,361 --> 00:09:32,568 It was an accident! 230 00:09:32,569 --> 00:09:34,568 I never should've brought him over here! 231 00:09:34,569 --> 00:09:36,984 He tried to open the pickles, so he took the jar from him, 232 00:09:36,985 --> 00:09:40,485 - and you tried to get it from him, too! - You're trying to do too much. 233 00:09:40,486 --> 00:09:42,360 Valedictorian, now you wanna be pickle boy. 234 00:09:42,361 --> 00:09:44,527 - You're doing too much! - Sorry! 235 00:09:48,527 --> 00:09:51,319 You know, I think we have a half open jar in the fridge. 236 00:09:56,277 --> 00:09:57,568 What do you know? 237 00:09:57,569 --> 00:09:58,693 What do you know? 238 00:10:01,569 --> 00:10:03,151 Oh, darling, you're cold. Here. 239 00:10:03,152 --> 00:10:04,861 - Here, put this around you. - I'm just excited. 240 00:10:09,694 --> 00:10:12,401 Well, that's what they want me to do. 241 00:10:12,402 --> 00:10:14,735 - I've got a ticket here... - What's up, Larry? 242 00:10:14,736 --> 00:10:16,902 Yeah. 243 00:10:16,903 --> 00:10:19,568 I had a horrible night last night. 244 00:10:19,569 --> 00:10:21,109 Horrible. 245 00:10:21,110 --> 00:10:23,193 I couldn't sleep, was up all night. 246 00:10:23,194 --> 00:10:26,026 I heard... I heard someone at the gate. 247 00:10:26,027 --> 00:10:31,234 I heard voices and somebody creeping around the house. 248 00:10:31,235 --> 00:10:33,193 It, like, freaked me out. 249 00:10:33,194 --> 00:10:35,526 Well, you know what? There was a lot of shit going on last night. 250 00:10:35,527 --> 00:10:37,234 I had a little lady friend come over. 251 00:10:37,235 --> 00:10:40,109 You know, her girlfriend's waiting outside in the car, 252 00:10:40,110 --> 00:10:42,943 the kid's in the back seat, jumping around and shit. 253 00:10:42,944 --> 00:10:44,693 You know? 254 00:10:44,694 --> 00:10:46,610 And then I had the pizza guy come over. He came over... 255 00:10:46,611 --> 00:10:49,610 Okay, so... so it was you. So you kept me up, essentially. 256 00:10:49,611 --> 00:10:52,193 I didn't keep you up. Just some normal shit that I do. 257 00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:55,735 I need some... I need some security in the house. 258 00:10:55,736 --> 00:10:58,943 You know, like a... I gotta hire, like, a Pinkerton guard or something. 259 00:10:58,944 --> 00:11:00,902 You don't need no Pinkerton guard. 260 00:11:00,903 --> 00:11:02,943 You know what? I'll tell you what. 261 00:11:02,944 --> 00:11:05,318 - Let me handle this shit. - You're... you're gonna hire somebody? 262 00:11:05,319 --> 00:11:07,401 - What are you gonna do? - What if I get somebody half the price 263 00:11:07,402 --> 00:11:09,401 of that Pinkerton motherfucker? 264 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,234 I'm gonna take care of all this security shit you're worried about, okay? 265 00:11:12,235 --> 00:11:15,068 I'm gonna get you... get you back to being Larry. 266 00:11:15,069 --> 00:11:18,360 Sitting around here, looking all frumpy and shit. 267 00:11:18,361 --> 00:11:20,735 Well, no, the only reason I'm wearing this bathrobe 268 00:11:20,736 --> 00:11:22,818 is because I left my pajama bottoms... 269 00:11:22,819 --> 00:11:24,276 you know, those red flannel pajamas? 270 00:11:24,277 --> 00:11:26,276 - Right. - I left them at the hotel. 271 00:11:26,277 --> 00:11:28,610 I can't leave a hotel room without leaving something behind. 272 00:11:28,611 --> 00:11:30,652 Never fails. 273 00:11:30,653 --> 00:11:33,151 - Oh. - Are you expecting somebody? 274 00:11:33,152 --> 00:11:34,652 I'm always expecting somebody. 275 00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,735 If they show the fuck up, they show the fuck up. 276 00:11:36,736 --> 00:11:39,151 Goodbye, darling. 277 00:11:39,152 --> 00:11:41,276 - Excuse me a minute. - He's all right, you know. 278 00:11:41,277 --> 00:11:43,610 - He's gonna be all right. - Hey! 279 00:11:43,611 --> 00:11:45,443 - He's alive! - Oh! 280 00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:47,193 - Hey, buddy. - How you doing? 281 00:11:47,194 --> 00:11:48,818 I'm all right. How are you doing? 282 00:11:48,819 --> 00:11:51,276 Oh, God, I'm a mess. 283 00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,443 - Yeah, so bad. - I'd be terrified. 284 00:11:53,444 --> 00:11:55,693 Yeah, and the worst part is the musical's off. 285 00:11:55,694 --> 00:11:57,526 - Oh, you're kidding me. - No. 286 00:11:57,527 --> 00:11:59,443 It was such a funny idea. 287 00:11:59,444 --> 00:12:01,443 I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. 288 00:12:01,444 --> 00:12:03,652 - Um... - Nice of you to come over, though, 289 00:12:03,653 --> 00:12:05,276 and, uh, say hi. 290 00:12:05,277 --> 00:12:07,151 - That's really sweet of you. - No. 291 00:12:07,152 --> 00:12:08,777 I really appreciate it. Thank you. 292 00:12:08,778 --> 00:12:09,902 Yeah, you're welcome. 293 00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,777 Um, actually, you know what? 294 00:12:14,152 --> 00:12:16,777 All right, I'm full of shit. 295 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:19,151 The truth is I'm here to ask... 296 00:12:19,152 --> 00:12:22,486 I'm here to ask your permission if I can date Cheryl. 297 00:12:23,778 --> 00:12:25,818 Boom. 298 00:12:27,277 --> 00:12:29,151 - Wow. - Wow? 299 00:12:29,152 --> 00:12:32,276 Yeah, you come over here under these false pretenses 300 00:12:32,277 --> 00:12:34,652 to, oh... to see how I'm doing, 301 00:12:34,653 --> 00:12:37,485 and... and you wanna date... no! 302 00:12:37,486 --> 00:12:39,109 No, I... no, no, I... 303 00:12:39,110 --> 00:12:42,318 if you're asking me can you date Cheryl, I'd say no. 304 00:12:42,319 --> 00:12:44,151 Let... let's just step back just a second. 305 00:12:44,152 --> 00:12:46,276 This is a surprise to me, too. 306 00:12:46,277 --> 00:12:49,360 We're friends. I didn't wanna sneak around behind your back. 307 00:12:49,361 --> 00:12:52,984 I need to, like... to go with my impulses, 308 00:12:52,985 --> 00:12:56,818 and my impulse is I wanna... I wanna go out with your ex-wife. 309 00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:58,777 How would you like it if I went out with Mary, huh? 310 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,318 - Would you like that? - Don't be stupid. 311 00:13:00,319 --> 00:13:01,652 What does that mean? 312 00:13:01,653 --> 00:13:03,485 It means you're... 313 00:13:03,486 --> 00:13:07,652 you wanna call my ex-wife, Mary Steenburgen... 314 00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:10,485 Larry David wants to ask Mary Steenburgen out? 315 00:13:10,486 --> 00:13:11,485 Oh. 316 00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:15,777 Oh, Larry David is not cool enough for Mary Steenburgen? 317 00:13:15,778 --> 00:13:18,818 - I... I just... - Huh? But Ted Danson is? Is that it? 318 00:13:18,819 --> 00:13:22,193 I didn't say that, but there's something in there. 319 00:13:22,194 --> 00:13:23,860 Oh, okay, all right. 320 00:13:23,861 --> 00:13:25,777 You know what? I'll call her right now. How's that? 321 00:13:25,778 --> 00:13:27,652 How's that? I'll call Mary. 322 00:13:27,653 --> 00:13:29,443 - Fine. - Okay? Okay? 323 00:13:29,444 --> 00:13:31,151 You want me to? 324 00:13:31,152 --> 00:13:32,610 - Do it. - Okay. 325 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:35,361 But then can we get back to this real subject? 326 00:13:37,194 --> 00:13:38,818 Mary! 327 00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:41,318 - I can't believe it. - Hey, it's Larry David. 328 00:13:41,319 --> 00:13:43,151 - Hi, Larry! - Hey! 329 00:13:43,152 --> 00:13:44,902 - How you doing? - Good, good. 330 00:13:44,903 --> 00:13:47,860 Hey, Mar, um, let... let me ask you something. 331 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:50,735 You know what's going on with Ted and Cheryl? 332 00:13:50,736 --> 00:13:54,610 Ted told me he was interested in seeing her 333 00:13:54,611 --> 00:13:56,610 and I told him to go for it. 334 00:13:56,611 --> 00:13:59,360 Well, um... 335 00:13:59,361 --> 00:14:01,735 I was kind of wondering... 336 00:14:03,319 --> 00:14:05,984 ...you know, if he's gonna go out with her, 337 00:14:05,985 --> 00:14:09,401 why, uh... why don't you go out with me? 338 00:14:11,361 --> 00:14:13,568 Wow, Lar. 339 00:14:13,569 --> 00:14:15,234 Oh, my gosh. 340 00:14:15,235 --> 00:14:18,109 Um, I just... 341 00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:20,068 God, I love you so much. 342 00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:24,610 I don't know if we have anything in common that way, you know? 343 00:14:24,611 --> 00:14:26,276 - Do you think? - Well, we're both people. 344 00:14:26,277 --> 00:14:28,610 We're Earthlings, we breathe, we eat, 345 00:14:28,611 --> 00:14:30,610 so we have... we have that in common. 346 00:14:30,611 --> 00:14:33,568 Yeah, we have that in common with pretty much everybody, 347 00:14:33,569 --> 00:14:36,526 but I was... I was just meaning, like, you know, 348 00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:39,984 maybe you're just not my physical type. 349 00:14:39,985 --> 00:14:42,818 Sure. Sure, I understand. 350 00:14:42,819 --> 00:14:46,234 Hope we can have lunch or go shopping 351 00:14:46,235 --> 00:14:48,276 or do something together soon. 352 00:14:48,277 --> 00:14:50,736 - Okay, okay. Okay, bye. - Bye, Lar. 353 00:14:53,653 --> 00:14:55,943 - What'd she say? - No. 354 00:14:55,944 --> 00:14:58,943 - Mm. - Not really her type. 355 00:14:58,944 --> 00:15:00,569 - Huh. - At least, physically. 356 00:15:01,944 --> 00:15:04,652 - Okay. Well, hey... - Yeah. 357 00:15:04,653 --> 00:15:07,610 - So, you gonna go ahead with this? - Yeah, yeah. 358 00:15:07,611 --> 00:15:08,634 Okay. 359 00:15:08,635 --> 00:15:11,234 You should know that she doesn't give blow jobs. 360 00:15:11,235 --> 00:15:13,401 - Just... - That's okay. 361 00:15:13,402 --> 00:15:15,109 Okay? Sex only in the dark. 362 00:15:15,110 --> 00:15:16,860 She's a little revolted by the penis. 363 00:15:16,861 --> 00:15:18,610 - Really? - She won't look at it. 364 00:15:18,611 --> 00:15:20,984 - She won't even touch it, okay? - Well, maybe that's changed. 365 00:15:20,985 --> 00:15:23,610 - It won't change, okay? - All right, good luck with the fatwa. 366 00:15:23,611 --> 00:15:25,985 Yeah, thanks. Thanks for being so concerned about it. 367 00:15:57,653 --> 00:16:00,526 - You're in trouble, Larry. - Yeah. Yeah! 368 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:01,694 I know. Tell me about it. 369 00:16:03,235 --> 00:16:04,443 - I like that. - Oh, yeah? 370 00:16:04,444 --> 00:16:06,276 Yeah, hides the Jew. 371 00:16:06,277 --> 00:16:07,902 Ah, thank you. 372 00:16:07,903 --> 00:16:09,943 Thank you. That's lovely. 373 00:16:09,944 --> 00:16:12,109 Lovely compliment. Thank you very much. 374 00:16:12,110 --> 00:16:14,068 - Very sweet. - What are you doing here, Larry? 375 00:16:14,069 --> 00:16:16,193 - Huh? - Well, you know... 376 00:16:16,194 --> 00:16:17,194 What? 377 00:16:17,195 --> 00:16:18,360 ...this has been very, very difficult for me. 378 00:16:18,361 --> 00:16:20,693 And I'm thinking, who can help me? I don't know any Muslims. 379 00:16:20,694 --> 00:16:23,943 They're not in show business. They don't hang out at the deli. 380 00:16:23,944 --> 00:16:27,068 Am I supposed to go into a mosque and then start chatting them up? 381 00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,276 Sure, maybe I can make a little more effort to seek them out, 382 00:16:29,277 --> 00:16:30,902 but they're not really coming up to me either! 383 00:16:30,903 --> 00:16:33,069 Do you need my help, Larry? 384 00:16:35,235 --> 00:16:37,068 Yes. 385 00:16:37,069 --> 00:16:37,903 Yes. 386 00:16:40,069 --> 00:16:41,735 - I know people. - You do? 387 00:16:41,736 --> 00:16:45,151 - Mm, I know people. - Imams, mufti? 388 00:16:45,152 --> 00:16:46,943 - "Moofti." - "Moofti"? 389 00:16:46,944 --> 00:16:48,902 - "Moofti." - It's "moofti." Huh. 390 00:16:48,903 --> 00:16:50,234 I always thought it was "muffti." 391 00:16:50,235 --> 00:16:54,943 Anyway, so do you know a mufti? 392 00:16:54,944 --> 00:16:57,068 - I know other people. - Who? Who do you know? 393 00:16:57,069 --> 00:16:58,361 I know the consul of Iran. 394 00:16:59,861 --> 00:17:01,569 You know the consul? 395 00:17:02,736 --> 00:17:04,443 - Is that so? - Yes. 396 00:17:04,444 --> 00:17:06,818 Look at you! You are really something! 397 00:17:06,819 --> 00:17:09,276 - Eh. - How do you know the consul? 398 00:17:09,277 --> 00:17:11,109 I have my connections. 399 00:17:11,110 --> 00:17:14,443 Are you a... are you a plotter? 400 00:17:14,444 --> 00:17:16,193 Are you one of the plotters? 401 00:17:16,194 --> 00:17:19,777 - Do you plot? - I've plotted before. 402 00:17:19,778 --> 00:17:21,943 - You've plotted? - I've plotted. 403 00:17:21,944 --> 00:17:22,819 Wow. 404 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:25,944 You're on my side, right? 405 00:17:30,110 --> 00:17:31,860 Fuck me, you godless fuck! 406 00:17:31,861 --> 00:17:33,610 You infidel fucking Jew! 407 00:17:33,611 --> 00:17:35,318 Try and keep it kosher, could you? 408 00:17:35,319 --> 00:17:37,943 You fatwa fucking bastard! 409 00:17:37,944 --> 00:17:41,276 - I'm a fatwa fuck. - Yes! Talk dirty to me, Larry. 410 00:17:41,277 --> 00:17:44,777 Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed to the Nation of Islam! 411 00:17:44,778 --> 00:17:47,068 Donald Trump! 412 00:17:47,069 --> 00:17:48,276 Steve Bannon! 413 00:17:48,277 --> 00:17:49,652 Jared Kushner! 414 00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:51,068 Mike Pence! 415 00:17:51,069 --> 00:17:52,902 Kellyanne Conway! 416 00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,485 - Mitch McConnell! - Yeah! 417 00:17:54,486 --> 00:17:57,485 Rudy Giuliani! 418 00:17:57,486 --> 00:17:59,109 Yeah, yeah! 419 00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:00,777 Rougher, Larry! Rougher! 420 00:18:00,778 --> 00:18:02,443 - Sentence me to an orgasm... - You're choking me! 421 00:18:02,444 --> 00:18:04,318 ...like you've been sentenced to death! 422 00:18:04,319 --> 00:18:06,068 Is this a fatwa! 423 00:18:06,069 --> 00:18:09,526 This is a fatwa! Fa-fa-fa-fatwa! 424 00:18:09,527 --> 00:18:11,818 Fatwa! Fatwa! 425 00:18:11,819 --> 00:18:13,652 Hey! Hey! 426 00:18:13,653 --> 00:18:15,735 No fatwa up in here! No fatwa! 427 00:18:15,736 --> 00:18:17,234 - What? - No fatwa! 428 00:18:17,235 --> 00:18:18,818 Yeah, Larry, that's Swat, your knew security. 429 00:18:18,819 --> 00:18:20,068 You can thank me later for that shit. 430 00:18:20,069 --> 00:18:21,485 Yeah, I'm not even gonna bring up 431 00:18:21,486 --> 00:18:23,276 the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses. 432 00:18:23,277 --> 00:18:24,985 Hey, Swat, break her ass in half! 433 00:18:29,653 --> 00:18:32,193 Hello, is this... is this Mr. Khashayar? 434 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,526 Yes, this is he. 435 00:18:33,527 --> 00:18:35,526 Yeah, this is, um... this is Larry David. 436 00:18:35,527 --> 00:18:38,151 I'm a friend of Shara Ghorbani. 437 00:18:38,152 --> 00:18:41,777 She said that perhaps there might be a way, 438 00:18:41,778 --> 00:18:44,276 you know, to set up a, uh... a meeting. 439 00:18:44,277 --> 00:18:47,610 It's better if you don't come here under the circumstances... 440 00:18:47,611 --> 00:18:48,609 Hey, Larry. 441 00:18:51,110 --> 00:18:53,109 Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone. 442 00:18:53,110 --> 00:18:56,026 Hey, I'm gonna give Swat the guest room. Where the towels at? 443 00:18:56,027 --> 00:18:58,526 They're down the hall in the linen closet. 444 00:18:58,527 --> 00:19:00,026 Yes, I'm sorry. 445 00:19:00,027 --> 00:19:03,026 I have two nincompoops in my house, unfortunately. 446 00:19:03,027 --> 00:19:05,860 - Anyway, so, um... - I would suggest a video conference. 447 00:19:05,861 --> 00:19:07,984 - Oh. - I can arrange for that if you like. 448 00:19:07,985 --> 00:19:09,193 Oh, you wanna set up a video call? 449 00:19:09,194 --> 00:19:11,276 Yeah, the video call would work great. 450 00:19:11,277 --> 00:19:13,401 - Yes, excellent. - Yeah. 451 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,526 Good. I will have one of my staff members contact you to arrange for it. 452 00:19:16,527 --> 00:19:17,777 - Yeah, I... - Hey, Larry! 453 00:19:17,778 --> 00:19:19,443 Wait, I'm sorry. Hold on one more sec. 454 00:19:19,444 --> 00:19:21,860 What the fuck is wrong with you? Shh, I'm on the phone! 455 00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:23,902 This goddamn towel's hard as fuck, man. 456 00:19:23,903 --> 00:19:26,026 Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone! 457 00:19:26,027 --> 00:19:27,735 I'll be there in a second. Shut up! 458 00:19:27,736 --> 00:19:28,984 These towels too rough, man. 459 00:19:28,985 --> 00:19:31,568 - I like a softer towel. - Hey, Swat? Swat? 460 00:19:31,569 --> 00:19:32,735 Shut up! 461 00:19:32,736 --> 00:19:34,276 Yeah, I'm sorry. 462 00:19:34,277 --> 00:19:36,401 No, it's the nincompoops again. 463 00:19:36,402 --> 00:19:39,068 - Nincompoops? - I'll wait to hear from your office. 464 00:19:39,069 --> 00:19:41,526 - Larry! - As I said, they will be in contact. 465 00:19:41,527 --> 00:19:44,860 Yes, all right, thank you. - Goodbye, Mr. David. 466 00:19:44,861 --> 00:19:48,610 What's so important about these fucking towels? 467 00:19:48,611 --> 00:19:50,693 Look, these towels are a little too rough, man. 468 00:19:50,694 --> 00:19:51,902 I like a soft towel, Lar. 469 00:19:51,903 --> 00:19:53,360 He wants something more velvety. 470 00:19:53,361 --> 00:19:55,443 Velvet, it doesn't even dry you, velvet. 471 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:57,360 It doesn't... it doesn't get the water off. 472 00:19:57,361 --> 00:20:00,193 A harder, coarser towel works a lot better for drying. 473 00:20:00,194 --> 00:20:02,777 If I don't use something velvety, I'ma get ashy as hell, Lar. 474 00:20:02,778 --> 00:20:04,406 You want me to go shopping for towels? 475 00:20:04,407 --> 00:20:05,276 It'd be nice. 476 00:20:05,277 --> 00:20:07,443 The man's a guest in your house. He's your fucking security. 477 00:20:07,444 --> 00:20:09,443 - He's gonna take care of you. - By the way, 478 00:20:09,444 --> 00:20:11,443 you need to familiarize yourself with that. 479 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,610 - What? What is this? - It's a list. 480 00:20:13,611 --> 00:20:16,485 - Persimmons. You eat persimmons? - Antioxidants. 481 00:20:16,486 --> 00:20:18,568 No stone fruit? 482 00:20:18,569 --> 00:20:19,943 I'm telling you, they kill me, Larry. 483 00:20:19,944 --> 00:20:21,943 I'll drop dead right on this fucking carpet. 484 00:20:21,944 --> 00:20:24,193 Even the "oals" will fuck me up. 485 00:20:24,194 --> 00:20:27,151 - Even the what? - The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up. 486 00:20:27,152 --> 00:20:29,777 If this fucking man even sees a fucking stone fruit, 487 00:20:29,778 --> 00:20:32,777 he's gonna eat the shit, so don't bring no stone fruit in the fucking house. 488 00:20:32,778 --> 00:20:34,444 So now I can't have stone fruit? 489 00:20:35,611 --> 00:20:37,110 Yeah. 490 00:20:42,985 --> 00:20:44,526 Absolutely, we will send that right up. 491 00:20:44,527 --> 00:20:45,693 All right, thank you very much. 492 00:20:45,694 --> 00:20:48,151 - Hello. - Ah, Mr. Dancer. 493 00:20:48,152 --> 00:20:52,318 I'm sorry to report that I left a pair of pajama bottoms 494 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:54,652 in my room, which was 1003. 495 00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:58,151 - So, just pajama bottoms? - Fantastic pajamas, by the way. 496 00:20:58,152 --> 00:21:00,151 - I don't doubt it. - I mean, the best feature about them 497 00:21:00,152 --> 00:21:03,318 is that the flannel's thick, so they obfuscate the penis, 498 00:21:03,319 --> 00:21:06,068 so you could walk around with other people in the house 499 00:21:06,069 --> 00:21:07,485 and you don't see any flopping, 500 00:21:07,486 --> 00:21:09,777 as opposed to the pair that I have now, 501 00:21:09,778 --> 00:21:11,401 my... my second pair. 502 00:21:11,402 --> 00:21:12,984 - Okay. - A little thinner. 503 00:21:12,985 --> 00:21:15,693 You see the clear outline of the penis... very unpleasant. 504 00:21:15,694 --> 00:21:18,219 I will check in the back and I will be right with you. 505 00:21:18,220 --> 00:21:19,519 Thank you very much. 506 00:21:25,569 --> 00:21:27,193 Excuse me. 507 00:21:27,194 --> 00:21:29,026 Hi. 508 00:21:29,027 --> 00:21:31,902 Are you in charge of the... the cookies? 509 00:21:31,903 --> 00:21:33,735 Um, yeah, I guess so. 510 00:21:33,736 --> 00:21:36,193 So you oversee the whole cookie operation? 511 00:21:36,194 --> 00:21:38,526 Uh, I don't bake them, but I... 512 00:21:38,527 --> 00:21:40,652 Well, they're not baked, they're bought in a store. 513 00:21:40,653 --> 00:21:42,026 But that's neither here nor there. 514 00:21:42,027 --> 00:21:43,902 Let me just ask you about the display here. 515 00:21:43,903 --> 00:21:45,984 - Okay. - Was this whole idea yours... 516 00:21:45,985 --> 00:21:48,735 the display, the tongs, the whole thing? 517 00:21:48,736 --> 00:21:50,485 - Um... - 'Cause I have to tell you, 518 00:21:50,486 --> 00:21:52,151 the tong is not a friend of the cookie 519 00:21:52,152 --> 00:21:53,818 by any stretch of the imagination. 520 00:21:53,819 --> 00:21:56,234 Okay, you must be Mr. Dancer. 521 00:21:56,235 --> 00:21:58,360 - Yes! Yes. - Yes. 522 00:21:58,361 --> 00:21:59,735 - I am. - Okay. 523 00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,860 What I believe you should be thinking about 524 00:22:01,861 --> 00:22:03,568 is separating the cookies 525 00:22:03,569 --> 00:22:06,526 so people can use their fingers and not the tongs. 526 00:22:06,527 --> 00:22:08,360 No friend of the cookie. 527 00:22:08,361 --> 00:22:10,068 May I just demonstrate what I'm talking about? 528 00:22:10,069 --> 00:22:12,234 - No, sir, please don't. - Just watch how easy this is. 529 00:22:12,235 --> 00:22:14,568 - It's hotel policy. - You see how easy I picked that out? 530 00:22:14,569 --> 00:22:16,610 - It was so simple. - Mr. Dancer. 531 00:22:16,611 --> 00:22:19,151 I successfully was able to find your pajama bottoms, 532 00:22:19,152 --> 00:22:21,068 and I see that you are not using our tongs again. 533 00:22:21,069 --> 00:22:23,068 No, I was just merely demonstrating something... 534 00:22:23,069 --> 00:22:25,401 - I asked him to use the tongs. - I know you did, Claudia. 535 00:22:25,402 --> 00:22:26,084 Thank you very much. 536 00:22:26,085 --> 00:22:27,984 And by the way, you're not even in charge of the cookies. 537 00:22:27,985 --> 00:22:31,818 - Claudia is. - I asked you to please follow our policy, 538 00:22:31,819 --> 00:22:34,818 and you are no longer a guest here, actually, so I'm just now asking you 539 00:22:34,819 --> 00:22:37,401 - to just respect that. - Ah, what? 540 00:22:37,402 --> 00:22:38,610 What? 541 00:22:38,611 --> 00:22:40,068 Oh, my God! 542 00:22:40,069 --> 00:22:41,443 The tongs dropped on the floor, 543 00:22:41,444 --> 00:22:43,276 you put them back on the table? 544 00:22:43,277 --> 00:22:44,902 - I wiped them. - She wiped them. 545 00:22:44,903 --> 00:22:46,818 That's like eating off the floor! 546 00:22:46,819 --> 00:22:48,735 - It's the same thing! - It's not at all the same. 547 00:22:48,736 --> 00:22:51,443 It is the same thing! You might as well put the floor on the table! 548 00:22:51,444 --> 00:22:53,526 - Okay, you know what? - This is a disgrace! 549 00:22:53,527 --> 00:22:54,860 Okay, you know what is a disgrace, 550 00:22:54,861 --> 00:22:56,360 that we're having this conversation again. 551 00:22:56,361 --> 00:22:58,443 And here is what I'm gonna say to you right now... 552 00:22:58,444 --> 00:23:00,735 don't ever return to this hotel... I'm serious, or I will call the cops. 553 00:23:00,736 --> 00:23:03,276 Like I would wanna return to a hotel that's serving Pepperidge Farm cookies 554 00:23:03,277 --> 00:23:06,193 and trying to pass them off as if you have a pastry chef! 555 00:23:06,194 --> 00:23:09,943 Fine, and if you do, I will call the police, Mr. Buck Dancer. 556 00:23:09,944 --> 00:23:11,943 Kenny was a perfect kid, 557 00:23:11,944 --> 00:23:14,193 and look what's happened here! 558 00:23:14,194 --> 00:23:16,610 Look what's happened to my jewel, 559 00:23:16,611 --> 00:23:20,026 my nephew, who is an all-star pitcher. 560 00:23:20,027 --> 00:23:22,234 He's up there now in a cast! 561 00:23:22,235 --> 00:23:25,109 Why did you have to fight him for the pickle? 562 00:23:25,110 --> 00:23:27,610 Why did I have to fight him? You fought him for the pickles, too! 563 00:23:27,611 --> 00:23:29,318 I didn't fight him; I let it go! 564 00:23:29,319 --> 00:23:30,360 Oh, you let it go. 565 00:23:30,361 --> 00:23:31,902 You tried to open that pickle jar 566 00:23:31,903 --> 00:23:33,026 just like I did! 567 00:23:33,027 --> 00:23:34,777 Everybody wants to be a pickle jar hero. 568 00:23:34,778 --> 00:23:36,735 You broke his elbow, okay? 569 00:23:36,736 --> 00:23:37,943 Are you happy? 570 00:23:37,944 --> 00:23:39,568 He's just a different kid. 571 00:23:39,569 --> 00:23:41,652 His personality has changed. 572 00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:43,526 He's filled with angst. 573 00:23:43,527 --> 00:23:45,276 He's, like, ready to explode. 574 00:23:45,277 --> 00:23:46,735 And you wanna know why? 575 00:23:46,736 --> 00:23:50,984 The way he relaxes is the way all men relax. 576 00:23:50,985 --> 00:23:53,485 It's called "ejaculation." 577 00:23:53,486 --> 00:23:56,026 He can't use the right hand, okay? 578 00:23:56,027 --> 00:23:58,735 This is his ejaculator, okay? 579 00:23:58,736 --> 00:24:00,485 It's done, it's in a cast. 580 00:24:00,486 --> 00:24:03,151 - Yeah. - Mr. Kenny, some lunch! 581 00:24:03,152 --> 00:24:05,443 What the hell is this shit? Fuck! 582 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:08,485 You call this lunch? Take your banana and shove it up your ass! 583 00:24:08,486 --> 00:24:10,693 - Get out! Get the fuck out! - Señor, he's crazy! 584 00:24:10,694 --> 00:24:12,568 Leave me the fuck alone! 585 00:24:12,569 --> 00:24:14,526 I don't even know him anymore. 586 00:24:14,527 --> 00:24:16,693 - Wow. - I'm scared to death of him. 587 00:24:16,694 --> 00:24:18,735 He can't masturbate. 588 00:24:18,736 --> 00:24:20,485 He can't make it come out. 589 00:24:20,486 --> 00:24:23,151 - He can't go left? - No, he can't go to his left. 590 00:24:23,152 --> 00:24:25,068 - Can you go to your left? - Eh, nobody can. 591 00:24:25,069 --> 00:24:26,735 - No one can. - Yeah. 592 00:24:26,736 --> 00:24:29,026 It's funny, though, there's other things I can do lefty. 593 00:24:29,027 --> 00:24:31,568 I can eat lefty, I can brush my teeth lefty. 594 00:24:31,569 --> 00:24:34,026 There's a big difference. 595 00:24:34,027 --> 00:24:37,276 You need rotation, you need tempo, 596 00:24:37,277 --> 00:24:39,026 you need feel. 597 00:24:39,027 --> 00:24:40,360 I don't know what's gonna happen 598 00:24:40,361 --> 00:24:42,276 'cause he can't concentrate anymore. 599 00:24:42,277 --> 00:24:45,860 He told me today he doesn't give a shit about the SATs. 600 00:24:45,861 --> 00:24:47,984 He doesn't care about Stanford. 601 00:24:47,985 --> 00:24:50,068 He doesn't care about anything. 602 00:24:50,069 --> 00:24:52,610 - Wow. - He's lost his will. 603 00:24:52,611 --> 00:24:54,194 Hey! 604 00:24:56,985 --> 00:25:01,610 I met this woman in the... in the hotel, 605 00:25:01,611 --> 00:25:05,318 and I think... I think she could help him. 606 00:25:05,319 --> 00:25:06,568 What does she do? 607 00:25:06,569 --> 00:25:09,568 She's a... she's a prostitute. 608 00:25:13,069 --> 00:25:15,652 Okay, here's the deal. 609 00:25:15,653 --> 00:25:18,026 You're gonna go in there, you're gonna go to the right, 610 00:25:18,027 --> 00:25:20,068 - near the front desk. - Mm-hmm. 611 00:25:20,069 --> 00:25:22,010 You're gonna try and open this jar of pickles. 612 00:25:22,011 --> 00:25:22,610 Okay. 613 00:25:22,611 --> 00:25:25,902 It's gonna create a diversion, everybody's gonna come over and try and help, 614 00:25:25,903 --> 00:25:28,610 and then I'm gonna sneak in so the guy doesn't see me 615 00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:30,860 - and try and find Paula, okay? - Right, right, right. 616 00:25:30,861 --> 00:25:33,109 This is called the "pickle gambit." 617 00:25:33,110 --> 00:25:35,151 I like that, man. Hey, it's cool. 618 00:25:35,152 --> 00:25:38,109 - What's my name? - All right, that's irrelevant. 619 00:25:38,110 --> 00:25:39,526 - Okay? - What do you mean it's irrelevant? 620 00:25:39,527 --> 00:25:41,026 - Okay, you want a name? - I want a fucking name! 621 00:25:41,027 --> 00:25:43,526 Okay, uh, Chick Gandil, that's your name. 622 00:25:43,527 --> 00:25:45,902 He played first base for the 1919 White Sox, 623 00:25:45,903 --> 00:25:47,652 the team that threw the World Series. 624 00:25:47,653 --> 00:25:49,984 Wait a fucking minute. I'm not gonna be on no goddamn White Sox. 625 00:25:49,985 --> 00:25:52,443 Would you prefer somebody from the Negro leagues? 626 00:25:52,444 --> 00:25:54,610 Yeah, give me a fucking name. 627 00:25:54,611 --> 00:25:57,860 - Chappie Johnson. - That's a black man's name right there. 628 00:25:57,861 --> 00:25:59,276 That's fucking great. I love it. 629 00:25:59,277 --> 00:26:00,610 - All right. - I can do that shit. 630 00:26:00,611 --> 00:26:01,818 - Okay, get in there. - I got you. 631 00:26:01,819 --> 00:26:04,109 Okay, I'm a... I'm a diversion. 632 00:26:04,110 --> 00:26:06,069 I got you. I fucking got you, Lar, all right? 633 00:26:12,152 --> 00:26:14,526 My name is Chappie Johnson 634 00:26:14,527 --> 00:26:17,068 and I can't open this damn pickle jar. 635 00:26:17,069 --> 00:26:18,984 - Let me take a crack at that. - I can help you with that. 636 00:26:18,985 --> 00:26:20,818 I'm gonna have to put you on hold for a second. 637 00:26:20,819 --> 00:26:22,735 Give it here, Chappie. Give me a shot at it. 638 00:26:22,736 --> 00:26:23,984 Guys, I saw from over there. 639 00:26:23,985 --> 00:26:25,318 Let me just get a run at it, all right? 640 00:26:25,319 --> 00:26:26,652 I'm small, but you'd be surprised. 641 00:26:30,778 --> 00:26:33,151 Let me see that, let me see that. 642 00:26:35,194 --> 00:26:36,610 Just try it again. 643 00:26:36,611 --> 00:26:37,984 Put force into it. 644 00:26:37,985 --> 00:26:39,610 - I didn't... - I got it, I got it. 645 00:26:39,611 --> 00:26:40,777 I didn't get a good run at it. 646 00:26:40,778 --> 00:26:41,861 Come on! 647 00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:53,026 Larry, it's me. 648 00:26:53,027 --> 00:26:55,276 Oh, my God. 649 00:26:55,277 --> 00:26:58,109 Oh, my God! 650 00:26:58,110 --> 00:27:00,777 - Look at you. - Do you like it? 651 00:27:00,778 --> 00:27:03,151 I... I'm stunned! 652 00:27:03,152 --> 00:27:06,652 This is... I... my mind's exploding! 653 00:27:06,653 --> 00:27:08,443 - Oh, my gosh. - This is incredible. 654 00:27:08,444 --> 00:27:10,777 - Look at you. Look at you! - Oh, really? 655 00:27:10,778 --> 00:27:12,193 - Ugh! - You think so? 656 00:27:12,194 --> 00:27:13,777 Well, I am so happy, 657 00:27:13,778 --> 00:27:15,151 and I owe it all to you. 658 00:27:15,152 --> 00:27:17,026 - It worked. - It worked. 659 00:27:17,027 --> 00:27:19,026 It worked. My life has been changed. 660 00:27:19,027 --> 00:27:20,234 Business... never been better. 661 00:27:20,235 --> 00:27:22,610 The men... gentle, respectful. 662 00:27:22,611 --> 00:27:25,318 I did a hooker mitzvah! It's a hooker mitzvah! 663 00:27:25,319 --> 00:27:26,777 You are a visionary. 664 00:27:26,778 --> 00:27:30,068 I don't know what I can do to properly show my thanks. 665 00:27:30,069 --> 00:27:31,568 You don't have to do anything. 666 00:27:31,569 --> 00:27:33,860 The mere fact that you're happier having sex 667 00:27:33,861 --> 00:27:35,485 with a multitude of strangers, 668 00:27:35,486 --> 00:27:38,401 that's all... that's all the thanks I need. 669 00:27:38,402 --> 00:27:39,818 Aw, Larry! 670 00:27:39,819 --> 00:27:41,610 That's awesome. Thank you! 671 00:27:41,611 --> 00:27:44,610 You know what? This is unbelievable that I actually ran... 672 00:27:44,611 --> 00:27:46,735 I came here specifically looking for you. 673 00:27:46,736 --> 00:27:48,401 - Oh, you did? - Yes, I did. 674 00:27:48,402 --> 00:27:50,652 - Oh, that's amazing! - Yeah, because I actually do 675 00:27:50,653 --> 00:27:51,777 - need your services. - You do? 676 00:27:51,778 --> 00:27:53,401 - Yes. - Okay, well, fine. 677 00:27:53,402 --> 00:27:55,902 It's for... it's for my friend's nephew. 678 00:27:55,903 --> 00:27:58,193 - His name is Kenny Funkhouser. - Of course! 679 00:27:58,194 --> 00:28:00,068 Tell me when and where. I'll be there. 680 00:28:00,069 --> 00:28:02,401 - No problem. - Fanta... 681 00:28:02,402 --> 00:28:04,109 - I feel great, I feel great. - Hey, do you want a drink? 682 00:28:04,110 --> 00:28:05,943 - Just a quick drink? - Uh, no, let's get a, uh... 683 00:28:05,944 --> 00:28:08,735 let's raid the minibar like normal people. 684 00:28:12,778 --> 00:28:14,443 - I'll be right back. - Okay. 685 00:28:14,444 --> 00:28:16,151 Yes. 686 00:28:19,944 --> 00:28:21,652 Here, give it to me, give it to me! 687 00:28:21,653 --> 00:28:23,151 You can't open it! 688 00:28:23,152 --> 00:28:24,902 We need to get a butter knife. 689 00:28:24,903 --> 00:28:26,526 - Come on, let me give it another try. - No. 690 00:28:29,736 --> 00:28:31,485 We need a plier, we need a plier. 691 00:28:31,486 --> 00:28:34,652 But a hatchet will shatter the entire jar. 692 00:28:34,653 --> 00:28:36,318 - Get a plier. - She can't open it. 693 00:28:36,319 --> 00:28:38,234 - What, 'cause I'm a woman? - Yeah, exactly! 694 00:28:39,778 --> 00:28:41,276 - We need one more shot. - Give me that! 695 00:28:41,277 --> 00:28:43,151 Mr. Dancer! 696 00:28:43,152 --> 00:28:45,234 Whoa! 697 00:28:45,235 --> 00:28:46,984 - Huh? - Wow. 698 00:28:46,985 --> 00:28:48,777 - Yeah! - Wow, are you serious? 699 00:28:48,778 --> 00:28:50,485 Are you for... Claudia, get security. 700 00:28:50,486 --> 00:28:52,234 I'll keep Mr. Buck Dancer here. 701 00:28:52,235 --> 00:28:53,652 Okay? No, I gotta get... 702 00:28:53,653 --> 00:28:55,360 I don't care, I don't care. 703 00:28:55,361 --> 00:28:57,276 I'm not touching cookies, I'm not talking tongs! 704 00:28:57,277 --> 00:28:59,610 I don't care! I warned you if you came back here, this would happen. 705 00:28:59,611 --> 00:29:01,443 - Get out of my way, baldy! - Ah-ah! 706 00:29:01,444 --> 00:29:04,193 - That is it, sir. You are out of here. - Unhand me, you brute! 707 00:29:04,194 --> 00:29:05,277 I have dementia! 708 00:29:17,069 --> 00:29:18,653 What the...? 709 00:29:20,861 --> 00:29:22,984 Unbelievable! 710 00:29:22,985 --> 00:29:25,276 - As often as I can. - Really? 711 00:29:25,277 --> 00:29:26,318 - Yes... - No. 712 00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:40,360 - So, are you nervous? - A little. 713 00:29:40,361 --> 00:29:42,526 Oh, well, don't worry. I'll take care of everything. 714 00:29:42,527 --> 00:29:44,526 - You just lay back and relax. - Okay. 715 00:29:44,527 --> 00:29:46,860 I like your dress. 716 00:29:46,861 --> 00:29:49,693 Aw, thanks! I got it at Saks Fifth Avenue. 717 00:29:49,694 --> 00:29:52,026 - Oh, that... that's a nice store. - Mm-hmm. 718 00:29:52,027 --> 00:29:53,984 Take your clothes off, Kenny. 719 00:29:53,985 --> 00:29:55,526 You know, Mary, she's with this guy, 720 00:29:55,527 --> 00:29:57,735 he's bald with glasses... he looks just like me! 721 00:29:57,736 --> 00:30:00,026 She said I wasn't her type. 722 00:30:00,027 --> 00:30:02,860 Unbelievable. And now Ted... 723 00:30:02,861 --> 00:30:05,193 Ted's going out with Cheryl. 724 00:30:05,194 --> 00:30:06,385 What about that? 725 00:30:06,386 --> 00:30:09,485 Well, you haven't been married to her in a long time. 726 00:30:09,486 --> 00:30:10,735 There's nothing wrong with that! 727 00:30:10,736 --> 00:30:12,360 Would you do something like that? 728 00:30:12,361 --> 00:30:14,610 You wanna go out with Cheryl, you do it behind my back. 729 00:30:14,611 --> 00:30:16,610 - You'd never know. - That's the way to do it. 730 00:30:16,611 --> 00:30:18,653 Yeah. I called Cheryl. 731 00:30:20,027 --> 00:30:21,902 - I called her twice. - For what? 732 00:30:21,903 --> 00:30:24,068 Just to talk to her and see how she was doing, 733 00:30:24,069 --> 00:30:27,068 and shopping tips and stuff like that. 734 00:30:27,069 --> 00:30:29,234 - We had a cup of coffee. - You're kidding. 735 00:30:29,235 --> 00:30:31,902 - Two movies. - What? 736 00:30:31,903 --> 00:30:33,401 A walk in the park. 737 00:30:33,402 --> 00:30:35,652 Yeah, well, it's not a big deal. 738 00:30:35,653 --> 00:30:36,652 One dinner. 739 00:30:36,653 --> 00:30:38,026 I went behind your back! 740 00:30:38,027 --> 00:30:39,902 It's the only way to go! 741 00:30:39,903 --> 00:30:41,652 Yeah, that's true. 742 00:30:41,653 --> 00:30:45,485 Boy, Kenny sounds like he's having some fun. 743 00:30:45,486 --> 00:30:47,068 Tough to listen to, though. 744 00:30:47,069 --> 00:30:48,860 Oh, my God. 745 00:30:48,861 --> 00:30:53,569 Oh, I got a... I got a Skype thing with the Iranian consul guy. 746 00:30:54,778 --> 00:30:55,984 I'll see you later. 747 00:30:55,985 --> 00:30:57,903 I'm not staying here by myself. 748 00:31:04,778 --> 00:31:07,485 Mr. David, at last we meet face to face. 749 00:31:07,486 --> 00:31:09,526 Heh-hey! Hey, look at this! 750 00:31:09,527 --> 00:31:11,276 Modern technology, sir. 751 00:31:11,277 --> 00:31:14,193 What... what exactly does a consul do? It's a... 752 00:31:14,194 --> 00:31:16,943 Let's just say if you wanted to come to Iran one day and visit, 753 00:31:16,944 --> 00:31:18,860 you would be going through myself. 754 00:31:18,861 --> 00:31:21,276 I'm not setting foot in that place, with all due respect. 755 00:31:21,277 --> 00:31:22,903 Not gonna set foot there. 756 00:31:24,110 --> 00:31:25,736 Excuse me. 757 00:31:27,277 --> 00:31:29,652 - What is that? - A cookie. 758 00:31:29,653 --> 00:31:31,693 What are you using, tongs? 759 00:31:31,694 --> 00:31:33,777 Yes. We use tongs. 760 00:31:33,778 --> 00:31:37,276 - In fact, we invented the tong. - Okay. 761 00:31:37,277 --> 00:31:39,109 All right, Mr. Consul, 762 00:31:39,110 --> 00:31:40,984 let's, uh... let's not go crazy here. 763 00:31:40,985 --> 00:31:42,943 You invented the tong. I don't think so. 764 00:31:42,944 --> 00:31:45,568 I don't see Iran as the tong inventor. 765 00:31:45,569 --> 00:31:47,735 Mr. David, I have a very busy agenda today. 766 00:31:47,736 --> 00:31:49,485 Please let me know how I can help you. 767 00:31:49,486 --> 00:31:53,234 Well, um, you're aware of my situation, of course, 768 00:31:53,235 --> 00:31:56,693 and I was hoping beyond hope 769 00:31:56,694 --> 00:32:00,693 that somehow you could perhaps 770 00:32:00,694 --> 00:32:03,943 put in a good word for me, 771 00:32:03,944 --> 00:32:07,485 tell the ayatollah how profoundly sorry I am 772 00:32:07,486 --> 00:32:09,526 for what I did and said and... 773 00:32:09,527 --> 00:32:12,360 Mr. David, you have come to the right person 774 00:32:12,361 --> 00:32:14,943 because... I tell you this in confidence... 775 00:32:14,944 --> 00:32:17,234 I am a huge fan of your work. 776 00:32:17,235 --> 00:32:20,151 I have watched every episode of "Seinfeld." 777 00:32:22,069 --> 00:32:25,109 This is... this is really, truly remarkable. 778 00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:27,193 Is that so? What's your favorite episode? 779 00:32:28,694 --> 00:32:31,068 Isn't everybody's favorite episode the puffy shirt? 780 00:32:31,069 --> 00:32:32,526 It's unbelievable! 781 00:32:32,527 --> 00:32:34,818 I also love the one with the close talker. 782 00:32:34,819 --> 00:32:36,234 Ugh, oh, my God! 783 00:32:36,235 --> 00:32:38,735 I must tell you something, Mr. David. 784 00:32:38,736 --> 00:32:42,151 The ayatollah himself is a bit of a close talker. 785 00:32:42,152 --> 00:32:43,984 - Is that so? - Yes! 786 00:32:43,985 --> 00:32:46,610 Oh, I wouldn't wanna get too close to that guy, to tell you the truth. 787 00:32:46,611 --> 00:32:48,193 It doesn't look like he's popping Life Savers 788 00:32:48,194 --> 00:32:49,984 in his mouth all day long, you know? 789 00:32:49,985 --> 00:32:51,777 Ah, yes, well... 790 00:32:51,778 --> 00:32:53,610 - Okay. - All right. 791 00:32:53,611 --> 00:32:54,984 Okay, oh, yeah! 792 00:32:54,985 --> 00:32:56,193 Come on. Come on, honey! 793 00:32:56,194 --> 00:32:57,818 You can do it, you can do it! 794 00:32:57,819 --> 00:32:59,443 Come on, come on! 795 00:32:59,444 --> 00:33:01,943 I'm coming, Larry! 796 00:33:01,944 --> 00:33:03,818 Oh, God, you're so good! 797 00:33:03,819 --> 00:33:05,693 Larry! 798 00:33:05,694 --> 00:33:07,610 I am very confident that we can 799 00:33:07,611 --> 00:33:09,735 accomplish something here together. 800 00:33:09,736 --> 00:33:12,318 Thank you so much. I'm so appreciative and... 801 00:33:12,319 --> 00:33:14,777 Uncle Marty, Uncle Marty! 802 00:33:14,778 --> 00:33:16,401 What the... oh! 803 00:33:16,402 --> 00:33:17,568 Oh, my God! 804 00:33:17,569 --> 00:33:19,234 - Oh, no! - What is that? 805 00:33:19,235 --> 00:33:20,735 Oh, oh! No! 806 00:33:20,736 --> 00:33:23,401 No, no! Swat, Swat! Not her, not her! 807 00:33:23,402 --> 00:33:25,402 Just get rid of the Muslims! 808 00:33:26,985 --> 00:33:30,068 No... it's a game! 809 00:33:30,069 --> 00:33:33,635 That's a game! Mr. Consul! Nooooo! 810 00:34:48,486 --> 00:34:49,984 You have no compassion, 811 00:34:49,985 --> 00:34:52,902 have no caring about another human being... 812 00:34:52,903 --> 00:34:54,526 There's some partial truth to that. 813 00:34:54,527 --> 00:34:55,319 Yeah. 814 00:34:56,277 --> 00:34:58,276 T, can you get a lemon with that, please? 815 00:34:58,277 --> 00:34:58,984 T? 816 00:34:58,985 --> 00:34:59,984 It's short for Ted. 817 00:34:59,985 --> 00:35:01,652 Never gave me any little nicknames. 818 00:35:01,653 --> 00:35:02,943 You could've called me L-vid. 819 00:35:02,944 --> 00:35:04,777 - As a term of endearment? - Yeah. 820 00:35:04,778 --> 00:35:06,818 Like, "Let's spoon, L-vid"? 821 00:35:08,235 --> 00:35:09,902 Bad decision to honk at a police officer. 822 00:35:09,903 --> 00:35:11,443 Oh, what... Why? Are you above the beep? 823 00:35:11,444 --> 00:35:12,152 Absolutely. 824 00:35:12,527 --> 00:35:13,902 I'm a police officer, I protect your rights. 825 00:35:13,903 --> 00:35:15,943 - My rights to beep! - You gettin' smart with me, boy? 826 00:35:15,944 --> 00:35:17,861 I'm not getting smart. I am smart. 62785

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.